Gin Tama

Gin Tama is a comedic anime series created by Hideaki Sorachi.

Episode 1: "You guys!! Do you even have a silver soul?" (Pilot)

[A group of samurai have surrounded Gintoki with their swords drawn]

Samurai: Now, fair and square.

Gintoki: Heh. Fair? [puts hand on his sword] Don’t make me laugh. [runs away]

Samurai: Bah! He’s running! He turned tail and ran! After him!

Gintoki: [while running] In this modern age, sword fighting isn’t the thing to do, you know. [climbs over the wall] Sorry, but there’s something I want to watch on TV at four.

Shinpachi: Gin-san! S-save me!

Gintoki: Oi, oi, why are you letting them chase you, idiot?

Shinpachi: I’m not letting them chase me!

Samurai: We finally cornered you!

Gintoki: What are you talking about? We LET you corner us.

Kagura: Be thankful!

Samurai: What the hell? Are you being a sore loser? Do you think we’re idiots? You led us all around town.

[The “Bad Guys” are meeting and discussing their fiendish plan]

Kariya: Yo!

Shikei/Buu: Yo!

Kariya: I can’t hear you. One more time. Yo!

Shikei/Buu: Yo!

Kariya: You’re still not loud enough. Wanna do it again?

Ronin: No, we haven’t much time.

Kariya: I see.

Kariya: How is that matter proceeding?

Buu: Yes, it’s going very well. Please take a look at this proposal. [hands him a thick stack of paper]

Kariya: [reading] “The first party, henceforth referred to as ‘the planners,’ shall hereby requisition”…I don’t know what the hell this means! Is this some kind of legal bullshit?

[While Hijikata’s back is turned, Okita aims a bazooka at him]

Okita: Goodbye, vice captain. Why don’t you suck on some mayonnaise in the afterlife? [he shoots, blowing up the whole wall]

Hijikata: [straightening up from being bent down] Oi Sougo, just what do you think you’re doing? ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?

Okita: Oh, no. It was just a joke. A joke! I’m always doing it, aren’t I?

Hijikata: You’re always trying to kill me?

[Shinpachi has come out of the kitchen]

Shinpachi: Gin-san, this isn’t looking good.

Gintoki: Yeah, I know. It’s not good to be reading Jump at my age.

Kagura: That’s true, the onigiri you roll taste terrible.

Shinpachi: I don’t mean either of those! I’m talking about this!

Gintoki: Our checkbook?

Kagura: Ha! Don’t make fun of me. You can’t eat a thing like that!

Gintoki: What are you, some tantrum throwing brat who forgot to buy his Jump? Having no money is like having a sinus infection. You just have to ignore it and not pick at it, and it’ll go away.

Gintoki: That’s….

Kagura: a sinus infection?

Shinpachi: It’s an earthquake, dummy!

Gintoki: The earth’s rowdier than a group of five high school guys living under the same roof.

Kagura: That’s just not normal is it?

Gintoki: Well, it happens in Jump.

[Someone rings the doorbell, Shinpachi opens the door]

Shinpachi: Right, right, I'm coming. We already have a newspaper...

Client: I heard this is the place that will do anything you ask.

Shinpachi: [lightning flashes in the background] BA!!

Kagura: Shinpachi, what are you doing? If you don't hurry, my show's gonna start.

Client: I heard that you were the Yorozuya.

Kagura: [lightning flashes in background] KA!!

Gintoki: Jesus, man, is he really being so forceful? If he's not backing off, just say you'll kick his ass and-

Client: This is the Yorozuya, isn't it?

Gintoki: [lightning flashes in background] NA!!

[Even more lightning flashes in the background]

Shinpachi: BA!

Kagura: KA!

Gintoki: NA!

Ayame: I see. So the money wasn’t a dowry for us, Gin-san.

Gintoki: Why would I love you? You can’t even have a lover in your profession.

Ayame: Cold as usual, I see. But I won’t give up even after such a warning.

Gintoki: Hey, what’s that natto for, anyway? If you intend to seduce me with it, you’re way off base, you know.

Ayame: Do you think that pushing me away is going to make me happy?

Gintoki: Just do something about it, Natto woman!

Ayame: [falls to the ground, spilling the natto on Gintoki’s head] That’s right. That’s what I want. It’s my passion. It’s what turns me on!

Shinpachi: What’s with this? It stinks.

Kagura: The natto smell turns her on?

[After the client asks Shinpachi, Kagura and Ayame to get him stronger]

Gintoki: Well, whatever. At any rate, raise his hit points another hundred or so.

[At the Shinsengumi headquarters]

Kondo: Oh, so this is the blueprint.

Narrator: Kondo Isao. He’s the terrifying captain of the Shinsengumi.

Kondo: By the way, Hijikata, I don’t understand a bit of it.

Hijikata: I’ve been talking for ten minutes about how it’s a blueprint for an Amanto machine, Kondo-san.

Kondo: Oh yes, that’s right. Some kind of machine, is it?

Hijikata: So there’s someone here in Edo who wants to use that device to power some evil machination.

Kondo: [gasps] But wait…[dramatic pause] What’s an evil machination?

[Katsura sees Gintoki]

Katsura: Gintoki.

Gintoki: Zura!

Katsura: It’s not Zura. It’s Katsura.

Katsura: What are you doing here?

Gintoki: Well, I suppose I’m doing something odd, like jogging or taking a walk or something like that.

Katsura: That’s fine then.

Gintoki: See you, Zura.

Katsura: It’s not Zura. It’s Katsura.

[Gintoki meets a samurai wearing a hat that covers his eyes]

Gintoki: Why are you hiding your eyes like that? Have you been up all night playing tetris?

[The client is undergoing strength training from Ayame]

Ayame: You have quite a bit of potential.

'[Shinpachi is tied up, hanging from a tree, and the rope is held by the client]

Shinpachi: What kind of training is this? What kind of potential does he have?

Ayame: He could be an S&M queen.

Shinpachi: He’s a guy, isn’t he? Anyway, there are more pressing issues at hand!

Kagura: Oh, you’re taking it pretty well. I’ll have to reward you later.

Shinpachi: Just untie me!

[After avoiding being cut by a sword, Gintoki’s kimono is cut.]

Gintoki: You ruined my best suit! My mom’s gonna have my ass!

Episode 2: "You guys!! Do you even have a silver soul?" (Pilot)

[Talking about Gintoki]

Kagura: It’s the same as always. He doesn’t pursue those who leave, and ignores those who come.

[Talking about Gintoki’s trustworthiness]

Kondo: I’ve told you before, he’s not one to trust, Otae-san. No trustworthy man has eyes that look like a dead fish’s eyes.

[Gintoki meets a client at a restaurant]

Gintoki: Want some?

Client: What’s that?

Gintoki: It’s red beans over rice. A Gintoki-don.

Client: T-that’s alright.

Gintoki: Did I really drink so much? My head’s spinning, and everything’s so blurry.

Client: No, it’s an earthquake, isn’t it?

Gintoki: I can’t hold it!

Client: I think I’m going to throw up too. [vomits right behind Gintoki]

Gintoki: Don’t do it there. Go down there a little bit.

[Kagura, Gintoki, Shinpachi and the client enter the villain’s lair]

Kagura: How are we going to sneak in?

Gintoki: We’re not going to sneak in, we’re gonna bust in. To bust in means to go in from the front, guns blazing.

Shinpachi: Gin-san!

Gintoki: Sorry, Excuse me! [kicks the gate in]

Kagura: Bunta! Are you trying to be like Bunta?!

[The party enters, and finds a banquet table]

Shinpachi: [putting his hand near a food dish] It’s still warm. There were people here a minute ago.

Gintoki: That’s true it’s nice and warm. [Camera pans to Gintoki and Kagura eating the food]

Kagura: Is this meat really meat? It’s so tender!

Shinpachi: Oi, why are you eating?

Gintoki: Well, it’s not good to waste food, is it?

Kagura: And there’ll be fewer leftovers!

[A cage comes down over the table and the party is trapped. Gintoki addresses the villains]

Gintoki: But hey, you guys, aren’t you ashamed of yourselves for laying such a stupid trap?

Kariya: Aren’t you ashamed for being caught in it?

Kagura: I’m ok with it since I can eat such great chow!

Shinpachi: Elizabeth-san! Why are you here?

Gintoki: So then Zura’s here too.

Katsura: It’s not Zura; it’s Katsura.

[Katsura gives Gintoki the blueprints]

Gintoki: Ah, no good. I’m bad with technical things.

Katsura: What do you think after reading that, Gintoki?

Gintoki: I really have no idea.

Katsura: Then I’ll tell you. They intend to destroy Edo!

Gintoki/Shinpachi: Eh??

Katsura: They’re going to enjoy Edo?

Shinpachi: Destroy it, you dummy!

Katsura: They’ll use it [a giant earthquake] to destroy Edo!

Client: Oh no!

Gintoki: That’s like what an evil organization in some anime would do.

Katsura: Hey Gintoki! Where are you going? It’ll be dangerous if you guys go alone!

Gintoki: Still, we have to go! See you, Zura!

Katsura: It’s not Zura; it’s Katsura!

Client: [riding on Sadaharu with Kagura] Um, if I may?

Gintoki: [riding on his motor scooter] What? If you’ve got something to say, say it now!

Shinpachi: [riding behind Gintoki] That’s right! Time is of the essence!

Client: Then I’ll say it. We missed our turn.

[The villains have explained that the Shinsengumi fighting them would be going against territorial law]

Hijikata: Territorial law, huh?

Kondo: Dammit! [looks at Hijikata] But…what’s territorial law?

Buu: If you really want to get into the house, then come back with the proper paperwork.

Kariya: Wahahaha!

Kondo: [to Okita] Hey, what are you doing?

Okita: [aiming for the house with his bazooka] Well, if this house no longer exists, we can go inside, right?

Hijikata: Who are you? Ikkyuu-san?

[crashing through the gate on his motor scooter]

Gintoki: Thanks for the support! Here come the real heros!

[the guy Gintoki taunted about playing tetris steps in front of Gintoki]

Guy: Wait! I’ve wanted to settle our score!

Gintoki: Don’t go thinking you’re my rival, you circus freak!

[Gintoki addresses Katoken, the client]

Gintoki: Don’t run away! You yourself have to change first, or nothing will change for you!

Client: Change?

Gintoki: You can’t just run away, especially from the things you want to forget!

[Kondo addresses the battered villains]

Kondo: Hey, if you take a step over that line, your territorial law won’t mean shit!

Katsura: [comes running up, panting] Well done, Gintoki.

Elizabeth`s sign: Buy a freakin’ car.

[Gintoki is reading Jump on the couch]

Gintoki: Ah, I wish I could have a bankai like that.

[after the credits and previews]

Ayame: [stirring natto] Oh, I forgot to come in for the second half.

Episode 3: "Nobody With Naturally Wavy Hair Can Be That Bad."

[To Gintoki]

Amanto: Who the hell are you, daring to defy the sword prohibition?

Gintoki: Blah, blah, blah, blah… quit your blabbering. Look at this. [holds up an empty glass] Thanks to you assholes, my chocolate parfait [hits one of the amanto with his bokuto] fell to the ground!

Amanto: What are you doing? Do you know who we are?

Gintoki: You know, my doctor said that I eat too many sweets, so I can only have one of those a week! [he knocks out the remaining two amanto]

Gintoki: This is no good. I need my fix, man.

Shinpachi: Hey, hey! How dare you make me your scapegoat, you bastard! My life is ruined because of you!

Gintoki: What a nice boy you are. Have you come to return my wooden sword? That’s all right. It was just a souvenir I bought on a school trip.

Shinpachi: Shut up! I ran from the police!

[Otae starts beating up Shinpachi because he isn’t working]

Shinpachi: Stop! It’s that guy’s fault that this is…Ah! Wait you!

Gintoki: [riding away on his motor scooter] Sorry, but I’m gonna watch a TV drama rerun at 4.

[To Shinpachi]

Gintoki: Was your sister raised by gorillas?

Otae: Does a child need a reason to protect something his parents loved?

[The money lender has come for Shinpachi and Otae’s Father’s debt]

Amanto: Just give me my money, and quick! I’ve got to get it quick so I can watch my TV drama!

[The money lender is about to hit Otae]

Gintoki: Leave it at that. Even though she was raised by gorillas, she’s still a woman.

Shinpachi: Damn that sister of mine! She’s always talking about our father, but what did that baldy ever do for us?! He just played Othello with us from time to time!

Gintoki: Your Dad was bald?

Shinpachi: Well, only in the sense of his personality. Hey you’re still here? [Gintoki is frosting a cake] What the hell are you doing, cooking at a time like this?!

Gintoki: Well, I can’t go long without sweets, you see.

Shinpachi: Then make something simpler!

[Shinpachi is talking about the difference between him and his father]

Shinpachi: I want to live more elegantly.

Gintoki: That’s nice, but I just can’t see you being elegant.

Gintoki: A samurai doesn’t need a reason to do what’s right. If you want to protect her, you must draw your sword.

[Gintoki and Shinpachi are riding on the motor scooter to save Otae]

Shinpachi: She’s going to launch soon. Can’t this thing go any faster?

Gintoki: Well you see, safety first. And it would hurt to fall.

Shinpachi: Is this the time for that?? My sister’s going to be in high-leg shabu-shabu hell!

Police: [in patrol car behind them] Hey you with no helmet: stop right there!

Gintoki: What are you talking about? Do I really need a helmet in this day and age?

Police: [coming up beside Gintoki] Ok, but it’ll really hurt if you fall, you see. I’m worried about you.

Gintoki: It’s all right. I’ve got a hard head.

Police: What’s that? That kind of attitude when I’m tryin’ to help you?! I’ll really hurt! A lot!

Gintoki: Shut up, I’m telling you, I have a hard head! [rams into the police car and head buts the policeman]

Police: Ah, I’ve got a nosebleed!

Otae: I’m Otae. Please do as you wish with me.

Amanto: That’s not it! You have to give us more cleavage, dammit!

Otae: [grabs the Amanto by the mouth] I’ve never had cleavage.

Amanto: Oh sorry. You couldn’t do it if you wanted, huh?

[A police car crashes into the brothel ship]

Amanto: Did the police find out about us?

Gintoki: Don’t worry; this is just a rental car!

Gintoki: I’ll take care of them, so you guys find a lifeboat and get out of here.

Shinpachi: What about you?

Gintoki: You just think about protecting your sister. I’ll protect who I want to protect.

Gintoki: Shinji, Go!

Shinpachi: It’s Shinpachi, dammit!

[moments after Gintoki tells them to flee]

Otae: You really did come back!

Gintoki: It was tough. It was tougher than I thought it would be.

Shinpachi: Please try harder…you didn’t even last a minute!

Gintoki: Idiot, even one minute would’ve been too much!

Amanto: There’s nothing you can protect. The country and these skies belong to us, the Amanto.

Gintoki: The country? The skies? You can have them. I’m busy just protecting what’s right in front of me. I don’t know what’ll happen to me in the future, but if something has fallen at my feet, then the least I can do is pick it up.

Gintoki: What’s important to that boy is important to me, and to protect it…I’ll do anything. [cracks the engine of the ship with his sword]

[the ship plummets down to the ocean]

Gintoki: What is this weightlessness? I feel sick.

Shinpachi: We’re falling aren’t we? We’re falling!

[talking to the policeman whose car Gintoki carjacked]

Gintoki: What? I helped arrest the villains who threatened to violate the purity of our fair city! That should cancel out something like borrowing a police car!

Police: What the hell do you mean? The car was smashed to pieces!

Gintoki: It was already a piece of trash when I took it.

Police: Was not!

Gintoki:Try looking at it! You actually look better now!

Police: Really what part?

[talking about Gintoki]

Shinpachi: I wonder what lies in this man’s soul. I can’t really tell at all, but…though it’s dim, I can see a light shining through. I think I’ll stay with him and look at that light a bit longer.

Episode 4: "Jump sometimes comes out on Saturday so be careful."

Otose: Hey Gintoki! Enough with the excuses! Just hurry up and pay the damned rent!

Gintoki: I fixed your VCR the other day, didn’t I? That should make us even.

Otose: No way. This is a full month’s rent we’re talking about. Not only that, the VCR broke again and didn’t record my show!

Gintoki: Don’t worry. I’m sure they’ll show it again if it gets popular.

Otose: I don’t care about that! Just give me my money, you permanent perm!

Gintoki: Shut it! Do you know the pain of having a permanent perm?!

Otose: Then just kill yourself!

Gintoki: Oh crap! Today is Jump release day! I forgot it comes out on Saturday this week! We have to go back!

Shinpachi: Who cares? We’ve already got everything we need for sukiyaki.

Ginoki: Well, this may be a good opportunity to kick the Jump habit. What am I doing, reading Jump at my age? Well, a man remains a boy until his death…

Shinpachi: Sorry, but could you keep the embarrassing proclamations to yourself?

[after hitting Kagura with his motor scooter, Gintoki looks inside a vending machine slot]

Gintoki: D-don’t worry. A-all we have to do is find a t-t-time machine.

Shinpachi: You’re the one who has to calm down!

Gintoki: It’s okay. I went to a fortune teller earlier, and she said my luck would be good on the weekend. I’m sure she’s miraculously unhurt. H-hey…[He turns Kagura over, and a pool of blood forms on the road.] [cut to Gintoki riding with Shinpachi and Kagura on the motor scooter] Ah! We have to leave this town forever! Then again, the weather girl’s pretty cute.

Kagura: Are you stupid? I won’t die from a little scooter accident. This injury is from being shot. Look, it’s already healed.

Gintoki: Do you eat Bondo for breakfast?

[Kagura is holding the scooter down, preventing Gintoki to speed away.]

Gintoki: Shinpachi, you’ve suddenly got a lot heavier.

Kagura: I’ve never seen a grown man abandon a girl being chased by the yakuza.

Gintoki: Well, I’m a boy at heart. And besides, in this country, we don’t call someone who can stop a scooter with her bare hands a girl. We call her a mountain gorilla.

Shinpachi: Who the hell are they? Pedophile yakuza?

Kagura: [misunderstanding him] file peddlers?

Kagura: But lately, my work’s been escaltatered.

Shinpachi: That’s escalated, right?

Kagura: They finally asked me to take a person’s balls.

Shinpachi: You mean soul/life, not balls, right?

Yakuza: There they are, over there!

Shinpachi: They found us too fast!

Kagura: Tsk. Useless four-eyes. I told you we should’ve taken a helicopter.

Shinpachi: Whaddya mean, a helicopter? You’re the one who said to take the main street because they wouldn’t expect it!

[Shinpachi and Kagura are on a roof, being chased by the yakuza]

Kagura: Do you finally agree we should use a helicopter?

Shinpachi: Well, we don’t have that kind of money.

Kagura: Oh, there’s one right now. Hey! Right over here! [man in helicopter starts shooting them with a machine gun]

Gintoki: Um, do you have any Jump?

Old Cashier: If you want an Akamaru Jump (red circle Jump), then yeah.

Gintoki: Akamaru Jump…

Shinpachi: Good grief, they’re persistent. How long will they chase us?

Kagura: How do you expect to help me? You can’t even get us a helicopter.

Shinpachi: That’s impossible. I couldn’t even get a remote control helicopter.

Kagura: That’s no excuse. You should’ve called us a helicopter, you useless lump.

Kagura: In the end, the idiots are just used. But I like those idiots better. I hate you though.

Shinpachi: Hey, did you just insult me without an accent?

Kagura: I don’t like men with glasses.

Shinpachi: What the hell? Your character is changing!

[Shinpachi and Kagura are stuck in a trashcan, and have been pushed onto the train tracks. Shinpachi sees a train coming]

Shinpachi: This timing’s just like some manga!

Hideaki Sorachi [drawn as a gorilla]: It’s hard to use a pen, but it’s hard to use a colored pencil too! It’s really hard to write manga. But hey, it’s hard to live. I want to be a cheese bum!

[Gintoki is reading Jump, while Kagura is shaving the yazuka’s afro]

Gintoki: Well, I didn’t really come to save you. I was looking for Jump and just happened to come to the station.

Shinpachi: So our lives aren’t worth 230 yen?

Otose: We aren’t a restaurant. We just serve drinks and healthy perversions.

Otose: What’s with this girl? She’s already eaten five bowls!

Shinpachi: Five, eh? She’s still got a long way to go.

Gintoki: We’ve got nothing left at home but salt and sugar.

Episode 5: "Make Friends Who You Can Call By Nicknames Even When You're Old Men."

Gintoki: Listen up! My huge stash of chocolate that I’ve been hoarding has recently disappeared. Whoever ate it, raise your hand. If you fess up now, I’ll only ¾ of the way kill you.

Shinpachi: 3 quarters is almost fully dead. And you should really stop this, or you’re going to get diabetes.

Kagura: Another embassy recently attacked.(Nose bleeds) Oh this place sure is scary Popi, Momi.

Gintoki: You’re the scary one, bleeding from the nose with such a contented look. Was my chocolate tasty?

Kagura: You don’t get a nosebleed from eating chocolate.

Gintoki: Don’t dodge the question! I can smell it in your blood!

Kagura: Don’t be ridiculous. I just picked a little too hard.

Gintoki: And why would a girl your age pick hard enough to get a nosebleed?! Are you a retired cop or something?!

Shinpachi: I don’t get your reasoning! Hey, calm down! (scooter crashes into Otose's shop.)

Otose: Hey, what the hell are you doing, crashing into my store?! You’d better be prepared to die!

Delivery man: I’m sorry; I didn’t get enough sleep last night.

Otose: Then I’ll let you sleep for all eternity!

Shinpachi: Kagura-chan, call for an ambulance.

Kagura: Ambulance! Ambulance!

Gintoki: He didn’t mean it literally.

Dog Amanto: What the hell are you doing here? You wanna get your asses kicked, woof?

Shinpachi: No, we were just asked to deliver something.

Gintoki: Hey Kagura, we’d better give…

Kagura: [crouching down] Come here, doggy, I’ll give you a treat!

Gintoki: What the hell are you doing?!

Gintoki: It might be dog food. Take it.

Gintoki: [being held by the arm] What the hell are you doing, Shinpachi?! Let go!

Shinpachi: [being held by the arm by the amanto] No way, I’m not going to be taken in by myself!

Gintoki: Aren’t you supposed to say something like, ‘Don’t worry about me, just go’?!

Kagura: [being held by the arm by Gintoki] Don’t worry about me, just go to hell!

Gintoki: I’m taking you with me!

Katsura: Get out of here, Gintoki.

Gintoki: Zura? Zura Kotarou?

Katsura: It’s not Zura; it’s Katsura! [punches Gintoki]

Gintoki: Hey, why are you upper cutting me after all this time?

Katsura: I’ve told you so many times to quit calling me by that nickname.

Hijikata: Hey, wake up, Okita! How could you sleep through that blast there?

Okita: You mean that we failed again to prevent a bombing? What are you doing, Hijikata-san? You should take this job more seriously.

Hijikata: Shall I put you to sleep, ingrate?

[after seeing herself in a photo as a suspect in the bombing on TV]

Kagura: I’m on TV! I gotta call my folks!

[Yamazaki is wearing a Prince of Tennis outfit for spying complete with a racket and bag, and is looking through binoculars]

Yamazaki: No doubt about it. I’ve found them.

Yuu: Mommy, is that a peeping tom?

Mom: Yuu-chan, don’t look at him.

Yuu: Should we tell the police?

Katsura: Gintoki, will you take up your sword once again to cleanse this rotting nation? Lend me the strength of the fearsome white demon once again. [flashback to when they were fighting together] Is this it? Rather than falling into enemy hands, we should kill ourselves and die as warriors.

Gintoki: Don’t be stupid. Stand up. If you have time to think of a beautiful end, then why not live beautifully until the last? Let’s do it, Zura.

Katsura: It’s not Zura; it’s Katsura!

Katsura: I’ve never understood what goes on in your head.

Gintoki: I love the thrill of a real fight. That’s why I hate this trickery you’re pulling. Our fight is over. And yet you come, time and time again, pestering me about it. What are you, my mother-in-law?

Katsura: Are you some kind of idiot? Mothers always pester their sons. You just don’t have anyone that does it with you on a daily basis.

Gintoki: Hey you, if I didn’t have naturally wavy hair like this, I’d kick your ass.

Katsura: You’re always blaming your hair for your cowardice. How pitiful.

Gintoki: You’re the pitiful one. You try to trick a guy into fighting with you.

Shinpachi: What the hell are you talking about?!

Katsura: We could drive them off the entire earth if we had your strength, Gintoki!

Gintoki: Good lord, what the hell are you on?

[being chased by the Shinsengumi]

Katsura: What’ll we do, boss?

Gintoki: Who are you calling ‘boss’?! You’re the worst of them all!

Kagura: Zura, if the boss won’t do it, leave it to me! Be they bad guys or bystanders, I’ll take them out on your orders!

Gintoki: Shut up you! What’s with that TV drama attitude?!

Hijikata: Hey, there’s no reason to run. This is your first fight in a while. Enjoy it.

Gintoki: Hey, are you really the leader here? What are you swinging at? You’re wide open.

Hijikata: Who’re you to comment on my swordplay? I’ll eat you up like the salmon you are!

Gintoki: So be it. I can fight if it comes to it.

Hijikata: Don’t give me that! [tries to hit him] You’re not bad. There aren’t many who can dodge that strike.

Gintoki: That was close. What would’ve happened if you’d hit me?

Hijikata: You idiot! I’m trying to hit you!

[Gintoki and Hijikata have locked swords]

Okita: Watch out, Hijikata. [shoots his bazooka] Are you alive, Hijikata-san?

Hijikata: You idiot, are you trying to kill me?!

Okita: Damn, missed again, huh?

Hijikata: Missed?! What the hell do you mean, ‘missed’?!

Gintoki: Katsura, just stop this. No matter how elegant you think dying is, your death won’t appease your conscience and won’t change anything.

Gintoki: Do you really intend to lose even more of your friends for something like that? I’ll pass on that. As long as I’m alive, I’ll live by my own rules. I’ll live as I see fit and protect that which I hold dear.

Kagura: Gin-chan, I was playing with this [the bomb] and pressed the switch.

Gintoki: This is a nightmare.

Katsura: It must be.

Okita: Come on out. We’ll seriously fire here. Hijikata-san, if we don’t hurry, we’re going to miss our TV drama reruns.

Hijikata: Crap. I forgot to set the VCR. We’d better hurry up here. Prepare to fire!

[Shinpachi, Kagura, and Gintoki burst out of the room]

Hijikata: What are you doing? Stop them!

Gintoki: If you’re going to stop something, stop this bomb! Don’t you have a bomb squad or something?!

[playing shiritori and hot potato with the bomb as they’re running]

Gintoki: Didn’t you say you were good with machines?

Shinpachi: N-no way! This is all your fault, Kagura-chan, so you should do something about this!

Kagura: S-someone said that naturally wavy hair could stop a bomb!

Gintoki: B-bet you could do it, Shinpachi!

Shinpachi: I-it’s too bad, but no!

Kagura: O-over and over!

Gintoki: R-ready for launch!

Shinpachi: H-hot potato!

Kagura: O-oh no! You better take it!

Gintoki: T-thanks, but you’re the bomber!

Shinpachi: R-right back at ya!

Kagura: A-adrian!

Gintoki: Hey, who the hell is Adrian?! I mean, it’s not an uncommon name, but…huh? Ah! There’re only 10 seconds left!

Hijikata: Hurry up! We’ve still got time!

Hijikata/Okita: TV drama reruns!

Okita: We just made it.

Hijikata: Ok.

[On the TV: Honobono Drama: maybe the world’s just full of bad guys. You Bastard!]

TV anchor: We interrupt this broadcast for a special report….

Hijikata/Okita: Uwaaa!!!!

[After the credits and preview]

Classmembers: Class 3-Z, Ginpachi-sensei!

Gintoki: Stand. Bow. Take your seats. Well then, open your Gintama volume 1 books. Today, I’d like to address the meaning of Gintama. Anyone know what Gintama means?

Kagura: [wearing glasses] Me! But Katsura’s hair is in the way, and I can’t see the blackboard.

Gintoki: Zura, I told you to cut your hair. Rip it out.

Katsura: Sensei, I won’t.

Gintoki: Then I’ll just cut if off.

Katsura: I’ll sue your pants off.

Gintoki: All right then, let’s continue.

Okita: Sensei? Kagura, the A student, is eating her lunch early and holding up her wiener like a trophy.

Kagura: I’m not eating early. In my country, we always ate hot dogs during class.

Gintoki: Then go home. All right then, back to work.

Hijikata: Sensei? I don’t think you’re supposed to smoke in class.

Gintoki: This isn’t a cigarette. It’s just a lollipop.

Hijikata: Lollipops don’t make any smoke.

Gintoki: No, that’s just cuz it’s so lollied. [takes out the lollipop] All right, we’ll continue tomorrow. I hope you took notes. That’s all.

Shinpachi: I’m getting out of here.

Episode 6: "Keep a promise you once made, even if you die.”

Police: Did you think you’d get off if you just kept denying it? There’s no way.

Shinpachi: Shut up, you useless piece of crap! We explained it all to you idiot, so just shut the hell up and let us outta here! We’ve gotta go somewhere!!

Kagura: Violent four-eyes.

Gintoki: Come on, quit acting like that.

Shinpachi: [outside the police office] I got us off.

Gintoki: Or rather, you threatened them until they let us go.

Kagura: Well, it’s not that unusual for someone who’s normally timid to go crazy under pressure.

Gintoki: Well whatever. I’m going to take a piss over here.

Kagura: And I’m gonna take a puke.

Shinpachi: Hey, we’re on TV here! Stop it! Come on, they’ll never leave us alone if we deface their station. I’m going home. Come right back, you stupid idiots!

Gintoki: Oh come on. We can’t have a comedic anime without the straight man. All right then, I’ll have to fill in for him…hey, are you really puking?!

Police: Did you think you could get away with a hostage?

Kagura: [without much emotion] Ooooh no! He’s got me! I’m so scared!

[Gintoki is unperturbed that he is driving a patrol car for an escaped criminal, who has Kagura in the back with him]

Gintoki: Well, that went nicely. But do you really think you can get away with this though?

Criminal: Just turn here.

Gintoki: Come on, it’s more likely that you’d win the lottery than get out of this country.

[Gintoki, followed by police cars, is driving through an “Akihabara” type city]

Gintoki: Outta the way! Outta the way!

Police: Stop dumbass! Do you really think you can get away?!

Gintoki: Are you saying that I can’t get away? That just makes me want to get away even more!

Police: The suspect is headed towards the terminal. They’ve just passed the moe-moe intersection.

Criminal: We made it!

Gintoki: Oh shit!

Criminal: A stroller!

Wolf boy: Dad!

Wolf: [pushing the stroller] We wander the depths of hell, as father and son. We’re in a hurry, so we’ll take our leave.

Gintoki: That stupid wolf. Doesn’t he know cars can’t stop right away?

Otsuu: Everyone! Well, I’d like to thank you for coming to my performanceveryone!

Crowd and Kagura: Performanceveryone!

Otsuu: So, don’t mind me. Just have fun, everyonecromancer!

Crowd: Necromancer!

Otsuu: And now, for my first number, I’d like to sing ‘Your father is a chome-chome’! So listen and enjoy, would youlterior motive?

Crowd: Ulterior motive!

[Looking at the concert fans]

Gintoki: Good lord, they’re like a cult here. It feels kinda claustrophobic, and it’s smelly…

[Commercial for Otsuu’s single]

On screen: The ban on her single’s broadcast has been lifted! Tarakado Otsuu sings on ‘Adult Situations’!

Otsuu: [voiceover] Second single, ‘You’re Father’s a Chome-Chome’, on sale now! [close up] I’ll tear your heart to little bits.

Reporter: What’s the big selling point of your new single, ‘You’re Father’s a Chome-Chome’?

Otsuu: Well, I’d like everyone to think of the hidden meaning in the term ‘chome-chome.’ It’s kind of a mature theme, so I hope everyone can keep that in mind.

Gintoki: Want some gum?

Otsuu’s father: Who’d eat that kid’s stuff?

Gintoki: The best way to live life a full life is to be a child, no matter what your age.

Kagura: And so, I’ve come to report to you.

Gintoki: Hey, what happened to your accent?

Shinpachi: Kagura-chan!

Kagura: This is the fourth time I’ve rescued you this month.

Amanto: What are you doing?

Gintoki: [imitating Otsuu’s end of sentences] That’s my line..backer!

Shinpachi: Gin-san!

Amanto: [imitating Gintoki] Get out of my way..ward soul!

Gintoki: I’m gonna have to cut you to shred..ded beef buffet!

Shinpachi [imitating Gintoki] Wait a minute! I’ll be the one to protect her today..s of our lives!

Otsuu: Well everyone, a lot has happened, but I hope you’ll listen again..ophobia!

Crowd: Gynophobia!

[After the credits]

Gintoki: [voiceover] In the age of the kabuki show, the good looking man treads a fine legal line. But there are two men who still possess the fantastic hair and tight buttocks that ladies love: the mysterious beggar, Sakata Kintoki, and the number one variety show host, Ketsuago Shinpachi. Now, with a female, Chinese mafia don as their goal, they transverse the dark, stained city. The new show, Kintama, starts next week!

Shinpachi: Hey, I’m not gonna do that kind of show!

[Preview]

Gintoki: [voiceover] In the age of the kabuki show, the good looking man treads…

Shinpachi: Come on, Gin-san, do it right!

Gintoki: Oh all right, such a pain…well then, next time: ‘An owner should look after it and take responsibility for any trouble it causes’. Just leave me alone, you ass.

Episode 7: "A pet's owner should look after it and take responsibility for any trouble it causes."

Shinpachi: [voiceover] The Land of the Samurai. It’s been a quite a while since our country has been called that. Twenty years ago, a race called the amantos…

Gintoki: [voiceover] Gosh, enough with that stupid introduction.

Kagura: [voiceover] Just stop it.

Shinpachi: But there might be people who are just coming in…

Gintoki: It’s ok. They wouldn’t get it, even with your explanation. Just let them pick it up as they go along.

Kagura: Yeah, if they want to learn it, they’ll lick it up.

Shinpachi: Why the hell would they lick it?

Otose: Hey, you brainless perm-boy, get out here and pay the goddamn rent!

Gintoki: Oh all right, I guess there’s nothing for it. Here ya go. Adios.

Otose: Hey you! What the hell? 230 yen? Aren’t you mistaking your rent for your milk money, you idiot?!

Gintoki: No! I don’t have shit for cash! You know that, you thick headed ho!

Otose: If you don’t have any money, then go scam a couple of rich old ladies, you naturally-permed swindler!

Gintoki: It’s always money, money, money, money with you! Why don’t you go swindle someone, you harlot hag?

Otose: If you wanna get your ass kicked, then just say so!

Gintoki: If you want a piece of me, I’ll take you on!

Otose: I’m serious, if you don’t pay up, I’m gonna throw your worthless ass out!

Gintoki: Shinpachi?

Shinpachi: Yes?

Gintoki: Do you have a girlfriend?

Shinpachi: What’s with this all of a sudden?

Gintoki: How would you like to date an older woman. Otose, that is.

Shinpachi: Why would I date her? Who the hell do you think I am?

Shinpachi: Rather than worrying about an alien, we should be worrying about keeping a roof over our heads.

[Gintoki kicks the door in and floors the client.]

Gintoki: Sorry, I mistook you. Let’s start over. [turns and walks into the house]

Hasegawa: Wait…[points a gun at the back of Gintoki’s head] You’re that yorozuya, aren’t you? You’re coming with us.

Gintoki: Sorry, but mommy always told me to never go with strangers.

Hasegawa: And didn’t she ever tell you to do what officers of the law ask?

[Riding in the car with Hasegawa]

Shinpachi: He’s [Hasegawa] a real big shot…

Kagura: What’s that? Big dong?

Gintoki: Yeah. He’s a huge dong.

Shinpachi: No, that’s not it exactly…but Kagura-chan, it’s not good for a girl to say that kind of thing…[whispering] What could a big shot from the Shogunate possibly want with us?

Gintoki: [loudly to Hasegawa in the front seat] So what do you want with us, my man?

[After finding out that the job is to hunt down an alien pet]

Gintoki: Come on…I swear, I’ll kick you to next week, bald patch!

Kagura: Soul patch!

Kasegawa: Fine! I’m fine with being a bald patch and a soul patch, but please!

Gintoki: If this country can fall over a lost pet, then it should fall.

Prince: Pace is like family to me!

Gintoki: Then you go look for him, stupid princeling!

Hasegawa: Shut up! He may be an idiot, but he’s still a prince!

Kagura: A strong woman would forget about past relationships and prepare herself for a new love.

Hasegawa: I didn’t get dumped, and I’m not a woman! I’m saying he’s a prince! A prince!!

Shinpachi: I see, he’s a prince because he’s an idiot.

Hasegawa: No, he’s a prince even though he’s an idiot.

Kagura: I see, He’s an idiot even though he’s a prince.

Gintoki: So he’s an idiotic prince.

Hasegawa: No, retard, he’s a prince even though he’s an idiot.

Assistant: Come on, cretins! Don’t call the idiot an idiotic prince! You’ll hurt his feelings!

Prince: You’re calling me an idiot too?

Shinpachi: Octopi in pots? Why don’t we put one of those out for a while and wait?

Gintoki: What are you, some kind of shy high schooler? Both in love and octopus hunting, you have to take the initiative!

[Looking for a pet octopus, the yorozuya find a woman who has hair like an octopus.]

Gintoki/Kagura: There she is!

Shinpachi: Close, but no cigar!

Gintoki: Well the eyes look similar, but you think we can fool him?

Kagura: It’s possible!

Shinpachi: Oh, shut up! She’s a person!

Vanessa: Hey, are you all making fun of me?

Gintoki: Not at all. From today onwards, you’re Pace [the pet’s name].

Vanessa: My name’s Vanessa.

Kagura: Fine then. Your name’s Vanessa Pace.

Gintoki: The fun’s in the journey, so let’s see it to the end, just like when a girl becomes a woman!

Gintoki: Listen up. This thing we’re chasing is as delicate as fine china. Don’t startle it!

Kagura: Yeah, it’s as delicate as a teenager’s heart. The adults don’t understand it at all…

Shinpachi: Gin-san, we searched all over just to end up in this octopus pot?

Gintoki: Octopus like to get into pots…

Kagura: You can’t usually get put into a pot until you die.

Shinpachi: That’s an urn…but hey, Gin-san, isn’t this what I suggested in the first place?

Gintoki: No, it’s way different. After all this searching, I figured we deserved a little rest.

Shinpachi: You’re just too lazy to look properly!

[In the pot]

Kagura: If this all there is to men, it’s a wonder that any woman is ever attracted to them…

Gintoki: Don’t worry, when it comes to women and octopi, they’ll eventually return to you, tails between their legs…

Kagura: Women don’t have tails.

Gintoki: Neither do octopi!

Shinpachi: What the hell are you guys on?!

[Pace gets into the pot with them]

Kagura: And who is this? Vanessa?

Gintoki: Don’t let it get away! Come on, harder! This pot isn’t like a young woman’s heart, so don’t be afraid to break it!

Kagura: If we break it, all we need is a nice man to pick up the pieces!

Gintoki: If we can’t catch it, you’ll have to go out with some rich old ladies and scam them out of their money, Shinpachi!

[They run over the octopus with the pot]

Shinpachi: Aaaaah! We squashed it!

Gintoki: [looking inside of a vending machine slot]C-c-come on, we just have to calm down and try to find a t-t-time machine.

Shinpachi: You calm down! The time machine again?!

Hasegawa: This thing’s dead! I thought I told you to bring it unharmed, not one-dimensional!

Gintoki: It’s all right. I’m sure he just wanted to see it again for closure anyway. It’s always something like that.

Kagura: It got so flattened after we squished it with a pot…what a weakling!

Hasegawa: You squashed it?!

Gintoki: It’s not dead yet. It’s undead.

Hasegawa: Who the hell wants an undead octopus?!

[After Kagura puts the squashed octopus in boiling water, it swells up monstrously]

Prince: Pace is back to his old self!

Kagura: I can eat all of that!

Gintoki: See, it is alive.

Hasegawa: We won’t be soon, though!

[Gintoki faces the monster octopus]

Gintoki: [holding up his bokuto] Oh well, there’s nothing for it. Kagura, go get some soy sauce, cuz we’re having chopped octopus tonight!

Kagura: Okay, soy sauce, right? We’re going to have a feast tonight!

Gintoki: Or would takoyaki be better? Itadakimasu!

Hasegawa: What is more important to you, one man’s life or those of an entire country?

Gintoki: I don’t want to think about it!

Gintoki: I don’t care if this country falls or not. I just want to live as long as I can by divine providence!

Hasegawa: Living by divine providence…That’s like something a little kid would say. Come to think of it, my mom always said… ‘You’re slouching. Stand up straight.’

Gintoki: [in flashback] Is it fun for you to do this?

Hasegawa: Mom, am I really doing what I should be?

Prince: Hey, listen to me! If you don’t do something about this, I’ll report it to my father…

Hasegawa: Shut the fuck up.

Gintoki: Idiot, the spirit [of a samurai] never dies, even if just a scrap of it remains on this earth.

[After the credits]

Shinpachi: Hey Gin-san, why is this manga called Gintama? I mean, you have to practically buy a special volume just to find out why it’s named this way!

Gintoki: Well see, it’s kinda formulated so high-school girls across the country can say, ‘Hey, did you see this week’s Gintama?’ So we rely on stuff like that to reach our goals. One might say that we’re systematically taking over the country, but it seems to be a horrific failure.

Shinpachi: Well I suppose that’s so, but hey, Kagura-chan, what have you been eating over there, all this time?

Kagura: [eating a dumpling as big as her] Takoyaki!

Episode 8: "The Line Between Persistence and Annoyance is Paper-thin"

[Gintoki is sleeping on the couch]

On Screen: Yo, Main character, get up, dammit! Are you gonna do this or not?! Cuz if not, we're going to start another program instead!

Hijikata: Let me introduce us...the Shinsengumi!!

Guy: Shinsengumi? What the hell do you mean, 'introduction'? Why do you have a camera crew with you?

Hijikata: What about you? Singing karaoke while plotting to overthrow the government?! Capture them all.

Narrator: [voiceover] We, as investigative reporters, will follow the Shinsengumi 24 hours a day, and bring the truth of their organization to light!

On Screen: Exposé! 24 hours in the lives of the out-of-control Shinsengumi!!

[Talking about Kondo]

Hijikata: Right about now, he's probably either talking to some government bigwigs, or practicing his swordsmanship alone...

Kondo: [talking to Otae] I'm such a pitiful wreck. There's no way any woman would go for me. I'm just no good.

Kondo: If your boyfriend...what if he were impotent?

Otae: Then I'd love him, impotence and all!

Kondo: [thinking] She's so calm. She just accepts it, like the Buddha! [out loud, to Otae] Let's do it at the altar!

Otae: He was so insistent, I got a little carried away, and gave it to him straight in the face, and he ran off.

Shinpachi: Is that so? I wanted to see what kind of a guy he was...

Kondo: [up a telephone pole] Otae-san! Otae-saaaaaaaaan! Marry Meeeeee! I won't give up after being turned down once or twice! Woman want to be loved more than they want to love!! My mom told me so!

Police: Hey! What are you doing so early in the morning? You're bothering the neighborhood! Get down here, you bastard!

Kondo: Please officer, calm down. I'm...I'm a thief, yes, but a thief...of love!

[During Shinsengumi morning sword training]

Hijikata: Come on, put some muscle into it! I'll beat the shit outta anyone who slacks off!

Shinsengumi member: That damn vice-commander...if the vice-commander were the commander, we'd be in a grave situation. [commander sounds the same as gravity/solemnity in Japanese]

Yamazaki: Come on, 10 in the morning is a little early, don't you think?

Hijikata: You maggot! Man can do anything he puts his mind to!

Yamazaki: [swinging a badminton racket] We're not putting our minds to it. We're just faking it.

Hijikata: Are you swinging that thing around again?! [kicks Yamazaki]

Okita: Speaking of Kondo-san, I haven't seen him around today either. Is he sick or something?

Hijikata: You'll be sick if you keep this up!

Shinpachi [to Otae] I'll do the cooking, so please, just do the shopping!!

Otae: Ok.

Shinpachi: Well, my sister's omelets are more like briquettes than anything else...

[Kondo is sitting in the pile of pumpkins, and holds up a sign.]

Otae: 'I love you a pile'? What the hell does that mean?

[Kondo is wearing scuba gear, and is holding a tennis racket.]

Kondo: I'm very athletic. I like tennis and scuba diving, you see...

Otae: Decide on one, you damned degenerate!

[Hijikata is directing traffic]

Hijikata: [to a car] Hey you, who gave you permission to change direction? Get back here! Don't run away from me!! [draws his sword]

Okita: Well Hijikata-san. Your reach is too short. So let me take care of this one.

Hijikata: Take care of it how?! [Okita blows a hole in the street with his bazooka]

Okita: Oh, you really did it this time.

Hijikata: What do you mean, 'I did it', you invertebrate?! [starts slashing at Okita, who dodges every strike nonchalantly]

[Otae and Shinpachi have just told Gintoki about Kondo]

Gintoki: [looking out at the audience] How long has it been since this episode started? It took you so long to get to me! I'm the main character! Isn't it ridiculous that I don't appear?!

Cook: [timing Kagura] 12 minutes, 5 seconds.

Gintoki: This is Gintama, right? Hey? What? Huh? Right? If it were just Tama it'd be a flop! If I'm not in it, why is it Gintama?

Shinpachi: Well, today's episode is called: 'Exposé! 24 hours in the lives of the out-of-control Shinsengumi!!'

Gintoki: What's up with that?! I didn't hear about this!!

Shinpachi: Don't complain, Gin-san. At this rate, the Shinsengumi may actually become the main characters.

Gintoki: Seriously?!! That's right, they didn't show the Gintama opening song today! That was a close call. [smashes his face into the camera] This is Gintama! And I'm the main character!!!

[cut to the opening song]

Gintoki: It's not a good thing that you got a marriage proposal? He was wearing a sword, so he must be some kind of police officer or something. Sounds like a smart match. You should take whomever you can get, before it's too late.

[Kagura is eating a bowl of ramen bigger than she is (almost)]

Cook: All right, 30 more seconds.

Gintoki: All right, hurry it up. We're counting on you, Kagura. We didn't bring any cash.

Gintoki: If you wanna hire me, you pay up front.

Shinpachi: Gin-san, I haven't been paid in 2 months, so if anyone's going to pay it's you.

Gintoki: Well, someone's gonna have to.

Shinpachi: [whispering] Come on, you've got to get going, or you'll be replaced [as a main character].

Gintoki: Come out, knave! Where are you, stalker? I'll rain judgment down upon you!

Gintoki: You're a half-wit, coming out when called a stalker! Does that mean you admit you're a stalker?

Kondo: That's right, I'm a stalker of justice, and love is my quarry!

Otae: [holding Gintoki's arm lovingly] He's my fiancé. I'm getting married to him in the fall.

Gintoki: Is that so?

Otae: We've already done this and that together, so give up on me.

Kondo: This, that, and the other thing??

Shinpachi: Well, they haven't done that other thing...

[Otae, Shinpachi, and Kagura are talking about Gintoki's duel with Kondo]

Kagura: Don't worry. If Gin-chan gets in trouble [cocks umbrella] I'll let him [Kondo] have it with my umbrella!

Shinpachi: Just don't kill him.

Narrator: Then the guardians of Edo, the Shinsengumi, arrived. Arrived! Arri...Now?! You're arriving now?!!

[Talking about the drunken man]

Okita: Hijikata-san, can I cut him?

Hijikata: Well, wait a bit. The cameras are rolling so wait until he turns violent.

[The drunk man vomits on Hijikata]

Hijikata: You! There's vomit on my pants! What're you gonna do about it?

Shinsengumi: Come on, everyone! Stop Hijikata-san!

Hijikata: You ingrates! Let me go! I'm gonna cut his fucking heart out and eat it while it's still bleeding!

Shinsengumi: Help us hold him down! The camera's rolling! Come on, don't shoot this! [one covers the camera]

[People have gathered to watch Kondo and Gintoki's duel]

Kagura: Snacks? Crackers, anyone?

Shinpachi: Anyone want some cola?

Gintoki: Idiot. I'm not going to run for small fry like you.

Kondo: Finally. You're late! Were you getting your hair dyed or something?

Gintoki: A hero never dyes his hair! I needed sugar!

Kondo: I never heard of a hero who needs a sugar rush to fight.

Gintoki: How nice...it's sunset. Duels should be fought in the evening.

Kondo: You've got a silver tongue, for a silver-headed perm boy.

Gintoki: You're pretty articulate yourself, for a gorilla.

Kondo: I'm not a gorilla! I may look like a gorilla, but I'm not!

Gintoki: I'm sorry, but I'm not the kind of guy who'd take a man's life just to settle a score. I'll risk mine instead.

Kondo: [to Gintoki] You're a good man. No, you're an honorable man. Kid, lend me your bokuto.

Gintoki: You're a good man too. Use that, my pride and joy, the Touya-ko.

Gintoki: [to Kondo] You're so naive. Soooo naive...to think that an enemy would give you his weapon. I fixed it earlier so that it'd break if you so much as swung it around.

Gintoki: It would be stupid for anyone to lose anything over a matter like this. This was the best way to settle it painlessly.

Kondo: [on the ground, beaten up] This is painless?

Gintoki: All right then. Let's go you guys...

Kagura: [strangling Gintoki from behind] I misjudged you! I thought you were an honorable samurai!

Shinpachi: [kicking Gintoki] Are you proud of yourself, you damn dirty cheat?!

Gintoki: Come on, I protected your sister. Don't be like..

Kagura: I'm going home. Don't ever show your face to me again!

Shinpachi: I'm taking a leave of absence!

Otae: Painless, eh? Well, it looks like Gin-san's the one in the most pain, in the end...

Gintoki: This is really the worst pain ever...

Narrator: Shinsengumi Vice-Commander Hijikata Toushirou. Even after his shift, he walks the city, protecting it alone. What could he be looking at now?

Hijikata: What's all the fuss here?

Guy: Well, I guess these guys here had a duel over a woman.

Hijikata: Dueling over a woman? How dumb. What kinda idiot..eh? Commander Kondo?

Cameraman: Commander Kondo? Him? That's the commander of the Shinsengumi, Kondo Isao-san?

Hijikata: What the heck are you looking at, dumbasses?

Narrator: And so, through the bravery of the Shinsengumi, Edo's peace is once again protected. [pause] Really??

[After the credits and preview]

Class: Third year, class Z, Ginpachi sensei!

Gintoki: All right, take out your textbooks. Today, Shimura's [Otae] recorder was stolen. The culprit may be in another class, but then it'd be hard to find, so I decided to look for it in this class. Whoever stole it, raise your hand. It's fine if it's a lie. If you admit it, I'll let you off with just playing one line of 'Give me Wings' on it.

Hijikata: Sensei! If we do that, we'll be ruined musically for the rest of our lives! Please, if you must have us play, make it be the famous fight song 'Bring it On.'

Gintoki: All right then, play the fight son 'Bring it On.'

Hasegawa: Hey, sensei, I don't get it...wait, that's not even a song.

Gintoki: All right, fine. I'll play it. Someone lend me their recorder.

Kagura: Sensei, take mine. It's broken and doesn't really play, though...[blows air into her food which looks somewhat like a recorder]

Gintoki It's your brain that's broken! Come on, I don't care whose..I just need someone's whistle. A girl's, if possible.

Student: No way! Your cigarette smell will spread.

Gintoki: I've told you, this isn't a cigarette. It's a lollipop!

Student: Lollipops don't smoke.

Gintoki: I'm telling you, it's just that it's soooooo lolilolilolied that it smokes. [pulls the lollipop out of his mouth] Come on, girls. One of you loan me your whistle. I'll lolly it up.

Girls: NO WAY!

Kondo: Cut it out, girls! Our teacher is trying his best to find out who did this! Sensei, use mine! Even if you get your spit on it, I have two!

Gintoki: [slightly menacing] Why do you have two of them...

[Otae giggles. Cut to outside the classroom]

Kondo: Wait, please. Just a minu...Ahhhh! It's so out of tuuuuune!

Shinpachi: [over Gintoki playing Kondo's recorder] Sensei, may I go to the nurse's office?

Episode 9: “You should go all out in a fight”

[Talking about Kondo and Gintoki’s duel in episode 8]

Shinsengumi member: Is it true that he challenged the other guy to a duel and lost due to an underhanded trick?

Shinsengumi member: He’s always getting dumped, but I never thought he’d lose a fight…

Hijikata: There’s no way Kondo-san lost. Who’s been spreading that ridiculous rumor?

Shinsengumi member: Captain Okita! He broadcast it over the loudspeaker.

Okita: I heard it from Hijikata-san.

Hijikata: I suppose I shouldn’t have told him…

Hijikata: Doubting your commander’s word is a crime punishable by death at my hands. Yamazaki, you’re first.

Yamazaki: But I didn’t say anything!

Hijikata: But you’re talking now, aren’t you, you sanctimonious troglodyte!

Kondo: [with a bandage on his bloated face] All right, let’s put on our ‘work hard’ helmets and protect this city!

Gintoki: Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi! You’re not here to challenge me, are you? That’s not just stupid, but arrogant too. I burp at your insolence. [burps]

Kagura: If you’re gonna do it, give it your all. Burp so hard that you may never be able to burp again! [burps]

Shinpachi: I’m not so soft as to be defeated by such a pitiful enemy. This contest isn’t about burping as much as the will to burp. [burps]

Client: Quit your burping and get on with it!

[Gintoki, Kagura, and Shinpachi are staring at each other]

Shinpachi: [voiceover] Hello everyone. I’m Shimura Shinpachi. The leaves have come in since we last met, haven’t they? By the way, there’s actually a long story behind our glaring at each other like this.

Kagura: [voiceover] All right, I’m next. Well everyone, the battle to decide the fate of the universe is finally underway! I don’t know the details, but it really comes as a surprise!

Gintoki: What the heck is this? I can hear what you’re thinking! Do you hope to get sympathy by feigning insanity?

Shinpachi: [voiceover] Leave me alone. This is a part of my plan.

Kagura: [voiceover] Feigning insanity? How rude. I’m not feigning anything!

Gintoki: [voiceover] This anime is already hard enough for kids to understand. If you keep this up, we’ll lose our time slot! So Gintoki screamed in his mind…

Shinpachi: [voiceover] Screamed? Hey, don’t copy me, Gin-san.

Gintoki: [voiceover] Cretin. Do you think such tomfoolery will affect me?

[The client is introducing himself]

Zeamon: [voiceover] That man was the 63 year old virgo carpenter and kabuki circuit star: Ishida ‘Pierre’ Ginpachi Zeamon. He requested help with his carpentry…

On screen: This picture has been beautified 275% by Ishida’s sense of beauty. Does not reflect reality.

Zeamon: but his request concealed a fearsome trap! Yes! He needed one—only one—to help with his work!

On screen: We apologize, but this picture has been beautified 384% by Ishida’s sense of beauty. Does not reflect reality.

Zeamon: But then, following the man’s advice, they reached a compromise on how to settle their dispute.

On screen: Our further apologies: this footage is--cut--40,000,00,000,0012%--cut—

On screen: Enough of this already, you goddamn geezer!

[Kagura hits Gintoki, and he’s laying on the floor, unconscious]

Shinpachi: What are you doing, Kagura-chan? This is rock, paper, scissors! You don’t hit anyone!

Kagura: The first blow decides the match!

Shinpachi: But it’s rock, paper, scissors!

Gintoki: [getting up] Fine then. If you’re willing to go at it, then so am I! [draws his bokuto]

Shinpachi: I’m telling you, it’s rock, paper, scissors!!

Gintoki: Rock, paper, scissors!

[Only Shinpachi has put out rock.]

Shinpachi: [to Kagura] You’re doing shadow puppets? What the hell is that?

Kagura: Can’t you see? It’s a crab. A crab.

Gintoki: [has finger puppets] Well, this is better than last time…Your rock can’t stand up to my family here.

Shinpachi: What family is that?!

Gintoki: [moving the dad puppet] You should just admit defeat!

Shinpachi: Goddamn it, it’s rock, paper, scissors!

Kagura: You lose, Shinpachi. Work hard now.

Shinpachi: Why do I lose?

Zeamon: All right, he wins.

Gintoki: [in English] Victory.

Shinpachi: Eeeeeh??

Kagura: See you, loser. Work hard, now.

Gintoki: That’s right, Shinpachi. The client is God. Do whatever he says…Hey, what’s going on?

Zeamon: What do you mean? The winner gets the privilege of working for me.

Gintoki: [feebly] Oh, that’s not right…

Shinsengumi member 1: Come out, you shiny-headed…that’s that’s…

Shinsengumi member 2: A hairy samurai sybarite?!

Both Shinsengumi: That’s not the one we’re looking for!

Shinsengumi member 1: Here he is! The silver headed samurai!

Shinsengumi member 2: That’s…that’s…

Shinsengumi member 1: A receding-hair samurai…

Gintoki: Come on, don’t you know that you have to treat your workers with respect?

Zeamon: Yeah, all right, I respect you. Now then, get to work.

[Talking about Gintoki]

Hijikata: I’ll take care of him before this gets any bigger.

Okita: If you do it yourself, there’ll be trouble. The government’s not supposed to assassinate people…

Hijikata: It’s not an assassination. I’m going to fight him fair and square.

Okita: But if you find a silver-headed samurai and bring him to HQ, I think the others will be satisfied. How about this guy? [picks an old guy] Come on, hold your wooden sword…

Hijikata: Hey old man, use that to knock some sense into him, would you?

Okita: Well, Hijikata-san, he might not look like much, but if you take his glasses off…see, he’s like Musashi! [famous swordsman]

Hijikata: Why does he get to look so cool?

[Raiding a house looking for the silver haired samurai]

Hijikata: Give it up!

Samurai: Did you want something?

Yamazaki: That’s…a strapped-for-cash samurai…

Zeamon: You lump, you have to put your heart and soul into every swing!

Gintoki: Sure, I’ll put my heart and soul into bashing your head in, baldy!

Zeamon: What was that, ingrate? Get off your high horse, perm boy!

Okita: Let’s go home. My show’s about to start.

Hijikata: When did they change the schedule? I thought the drama reruns started at 4…

Okita: Is that right? Well, the drama seems like it’ll end happily…

Hijikata: That’s what you think. [thinking] You’re all smiley and giggly. Your inner calm is disrupted.

Okita: Oh, really?

Hijikata: It’s thanks to him [Kondo] that we Shinsengumi can walk the streets, heads held high. We chose to follow him. Isn’t that right, Sougou?

Okita: [to a tiny dog] Now go, Sadamaru no. 3! Your target is that guy’s ass!

Hijikata: Hey, are you even listening to me?!

Gintoki: Hey, watch out, man.

Hijikata: You could’ve killed me!

Gintoki: Well, I told you to look out…

Hijikata: You practically mumbled it!

Gintoki: Keep it down. I don’t need any more tension on this job, especially from the likes of you.

Gintoki: [to Hijikata] Oh, could it be…Oogushi-kun? Oh my, you’ve really grown up. Oh, and do you still have that goldfish of yours?

[Gintoki goes back up on the roof]

Okita: He’s gone. What should we do, Oogushi-kun?

Hijikata: Who are you calling Oogushi-kun? I completely forgot about him in three short weeks…

Okita: Well, he’s a forgettable guy.

Gintoki: Good lord, I’m gonna go bald myself after working for this baldly for an entire day.

Gintoki: Hey, you’re that gorilla’s friend? [looks at the sword Hijikata has given him] But hey, what’s up with this thing? [Hijikata sends him flying over the roof] What are you doing?

Hijikata: He may be a gorilla, but to us he’s our precious commander!

Hijikata: I won’t let you beat the Shinsengumi. If one of us falls, then we have no choice but to cut the opponent to shreds! [runs at Gintoki] [cut scene]

Kagura: It’s time for my TV drama!

[Zeamon hears the fight on the other side of the roof]

Zeamon: Hey, Gin-san, if you just play around, I won’t pay you a dime!

Gintoki: [cut in the shoulder] Shut up, baldy, and call the police! The police!!

Hijikata: I am the police.

Gintoki: Well then, help me, will you?

Hijikata: I suppose I should. [thinking] He’s an odd one indeed…

[Talking about Gintoki]

Hijikata: [thinking] Could it be that he doesn’t want to hurt me, even when his very life is in peril?

[Gintoki cuts Hijikata’s sword in half]

Gintoki: That’s all then. Hey baldy, I’m going to the hospital!

Hijikata: Wait! Do you pity me?

Gintoki: Pity? If I had enough of that to give to you, then I’d put it over rice for dinner.

Gintoki: One fights to protect something, like you fought me to protect the Shinsengumi.

Hijikata: Protect? So what are you protecting?

Gintoki: My honor. See ya.

[Okita has been watching the battle between Hijikata and Gintoki]

Okita: He’s an interesting man. I’d like to cross swords with him myself.

Kondo: Don’t bother. He’d kick your ass, Sougou. He’s the kind of guy who’s fighting another battle far away, even as a sword swings at his throat. Fair or unfair, it doesn’t matter to him.

[After credits and preview]

Class: Teach us, Ginpachi sensei!

Gintoki: Um, this is a question from a Mr. Oonishi, from the second floor. ‘I noticed something strange the other day. Shinpachi-kun said that the “purge” was a movement that happened twenty years ago to drive amanto off earth. So, no matter how you cut it, Gin-san and Katsura-san have to be more than thirty years old. Is that true?’ Uh, ok now. Pay attention now, cuz this is gonna be on the test. The war of expulsion didn’t end in just a year or two, you see. When the war started twenty years ago, Gin-san was still just a hairless baby. The shogunate, afraid of the aliens, surrendered right away, but the samurai still resisted. It was around this time that Gin-san got a different kind of hair. When the amanto had infiltrated the entire government and were running roughshod over the whole nation, Gin-san finally entered the fight! Well, in a manner of speaking…So, that’s how the war of expulsion, lasting ten full years, happened. Gin-san and his friends only really participated in the very end of it. Oh, and Oonishi, go stand in the hall!

Episode 10: “When You’re Tired, Eat Something Sour”

Shinpachi: Gin-san, Gin-san, it’s an emergency!

Gintoki: What’s up, four-eyes?

Shinpachi: That stalker who was following my sister around was actually Shinsengumi Commander Kondo Isao!

Gintoki: Yeah, I heard.

Shinpachi: You did? From whom?

Gintoki: Oogushi-kun.

Shinpachi: Oogushi-kun?

Gintoki: Yep, Oogushi-kun.

[Kagura is in a shop]

Kagura: Old lady, can I have some sukonbu?

Old Lady: Take care.

Kagura: [singing] Deer shit…

Kagura: What are you doing in front of my shop, you little brats? Did someone drop some porn over there or something?

Kid: It’s the sukonbu girl!

Kid 2: Run! We’ll all start smelling like sukonbu!

Kagura: Go home and suck on your Mom’s teat.

Shinpachi: Did you buy the toilet paper?

Kagura: Here you go. [hands him one roll]

Shinpachi: Kagura-chan, don’t you usually buy a pack with a bunch of rolls in it? This won’t be enough if someone eats something disagreeable.

Kagura: Don’t complain. I’m doing you a favor. Who are you, my Mother-in-law? Once, a lonely samurai lived in the woods, and he didn’t have any toilet paper, so he…

Shinpachi: There’s no fable like that! Whom did you hear that from?

Kagura: Gin-chan told me.

Shinpachi: Don’t listen to what he says.

Gintoki: Shut up, all of you.

Kagura: I’m not going to take that from some wet behind the ears brat!

Shinpachi: What’s that? You’re younger than me, aren’t you? [holds up the toilet paper roll for emphasis]

Gintoki: [staring at Sadaharu] Shinpachi, what’s that white thing?

Shinpachi: What does it look like? Toilet paper!

Gintoki: No, I meant that huge white thing.

Shinpachi: Huge or small, there's just one of it, so cut that... [turns to finally notice Sadaharu] Waaah! Where did this thing come from?!

Kagura: Oh, I picked it up around back. Cute, isn’t it?

Gintoki: What do you mean, “picked it up”? If you’re going to get a pet, get one we can identify!

Kagura: Sadaharu.

Shinpachi: You just made that up! I can tell you just made that up!

Gintoki: He’ll be fine. A sadaharu can make it just fine.

Shinpachi: Why are you calling it Sadaharu now?!

Gintoki: You understand why, Sadaha—[gets his head bitten by Sadaharu]

Assistant: First discovered in the M-78 galaxy, this is the ultra-giraffe. [camera shows giraffes styled after tokusatsu hero Ultra Seven]

Prince: Wow, it’s so tall! [gets picked up by it]

Assistant: But it eats people. [the Prince's bodyguards point their guns at the giraffes]

Assistant: This is the Iscandar Elephant, from the Diamond Nebula.

Prince: This one’s neat, too! [gets sucked into its trunk]

Assistant: Its trunk can stretch long distances, and it eats people. [the Prince's bodyguards point their guns at the elephant]

Assistant: This is the petit penguin, first discovered in the Lilliput Star System.

Prince: [staring at the penguin suspiciously] This one’s safe, isn’t it?

Assistant: That one does not eat people. [The prince gets attacked by a bear] But the bear that lives with it does.

Prince: Tell me that beforehand! [the Prince's bodyguards point their guns at the bear]

Okita: Hijikata-san, why do we have to go looking for some animal?

Hijikata: I don’t really know, but I hear it’s an order from all the way up top.

Okita: We don’t even know what it looks like, so how are we supposed to find it?

Hijikata: Well, we have to be thorough…[is suddenly wearing a dog collar and leash] what the hell are you doing Sougou?!

Okita: Presenting you to one of the top men.

Hijikata: What kind of shit are you spouting, man?!!

Okita: End your sentences with “woof” if you would.

Hijikata: Fuck you!

Gintoki: At any rate, I suppose I’ll let Shigeho stay here until we find him a new home.

Shinpachi: It’s Sadaharu, isn’t it?

Gintoki: When a woman says something’s cute, a man just can’t trust it.

Kagura: [picks up Sadaharu] What do I have to do? If you’ll only trust him as far as I can throw him, I can throw him as far as you want!

[Kagura has thrown Sadaharu on Shinpachi and Gintoki]

Shinpachi: Move him, Kagura-chan.

Gintoki: I feel like I’m going to burst.

Kagura: So now you know how I feel…

Shinpachi: No, not that kind of feeling…

Gintoki: It hurts! It feels like the chocolate I just ate is gonna make it’s debut on the puking circuit!

Gintoki: That damn Sadaharu slobbered all over my Jump!

Kagura: He’s so cute, slobber and all!

Shinpachi: He peed all over Otsuu-chan’s debut CD!

Kagura: Sadaharu’s cuter than that Otsuu anyway!

Gintoki: I’ve come to pay the rent.

Otose: What’s all this? There’s probably a camera around here somewhere, isn’t there?

Gintoki: I thought I’d come pay this month’s rent…[camera pans to Sadaharu]

Otose: Yes, it’s certainly hot out today.

Gintoki: Please, I’m begging you! Surely this is worth a month’s rent!

Otose: I don’t need any Dog of Flanders!

Gintoki: By learning a painful truth, a girl takes the first step towards womanhood, and a geeky fanboy will become a man.

Shinpachi: Are you talking about me?! Are you calling me a geeky fanboy?! I’ll never change!

Shinpachi: Are you trying to stick me with him?

Gintoki: Well, your sister does have a stalker on her tail, right?

Shinpachi: You took care of that, Gin-san!

Gintoki: So I scratch your back, you scratch mine. This’ll work, as far as payment.

Shinpachi: Listen to me, dumbass!

Gintoki: [to Sadaharu] Don’t bite me.

Otae: We already have one useless, pubescent boy living here, so taking on another would be…

Shinpachi: What do you mean, “useless”? And this is a dog!

Shinpachi: He certainly looks cute, doesn’t he…

Gintoki: He must be a bio-weapon in the shape of a dog.

Hijikata: So here you are.

Gintoki: What do you want? Shouldn’t you be at work? Trying to find someone to play with?

Hijikata: I’d never ask you to play with me, ever!

Gintoki: I thought we settled our differences when we fought the other day.

Hijikata: Fine! Then we’ll just fight for fun this time!

Gintoki: No way. I’m not giving him to you. Don’t forget that I don’t bend to the will of the Shinsengumi.

Hijikata: Fine, then I’ll bend you to my will, you troglodyte!

Hijikata: Not good. What should we do, Sougou?

Okita: Well, Hijikata-san, if you’d just end your sentences with “woof”, then…

Hijikata: No way!

[Gintoki and Shinpachi have been hit by the Assistant driving Prince Hata around.]

Prince: What have you done?

Assistant: Calm down, prince. At any rate, [he jumps into the car's trunk] I have to find a time machine, and…

Prince: Hey, you’re the one who has to calm down! Wow, what’s this? [looking at Sadaharu]

Assistant: What is it, my prince?

Prince: Look at this!

Assistant: Did you find a time machine?

Okita: [presents the dog collar] End your sentences with “woof”, Kondo-san.

Gintoki: Thanks everyone, for supporting me all this time, but our fight will continue unto eternity!

[After the previews and credits]

Gintoki as Ginpachi Sensei: Don’t think there’s gonna be an extra bit after every show!

Episode 11: "A Dumpling You’ve Chewed and Spit out isn’t a Dumpling Anymore, You Idiot!"

Gintoki: Wow, Bankai sure is nice. Maybe I’ll try it.

Ichigo Kurosaki: Wanna have a go, Gin-san?

Gintoki: Fine. I’ll take you up on that! Uwah! Uh, that’s not right.

Ichigo: Bwah!

Gintoki: Awah!

Ichigo: Dwah! EH??

Shinpachi: [voiceover] Gin-san, Gin-san, did you see the game the other day?

Gintoki: [voiceover] Uh, yeah, I saw it.

Shinpachi: It sure was great, wasn’t it?

Gintoki: Yeah. I never thought we’d win.

Shinpachi: Win?

Gintoki: Yeah, the World Baseball Classic.

Shinpachi: No, I’m talking about the World Cup!

Gintoki: Oh, that.

Shinpachi: What do you mean, “oh that”? It’s all anyone’s talking about!

Gintoki: Never mind that. Why’re we airing an anime special when the whole world’s gaga about soccer? An hour long special at that!

Shinpachi: Don’t complain. Let’s just get started.

Gintoki: Eh? Who cares if we try to mix things up some? You know what they say, all things change…being the only competitor means being the victor! Don’t get pissed off at me! If you think you can blame me and avoid responsibility, you’re way off! The night is crawling with demons! Listen up! What we need is this! [holds up strawberry milk] Yes, calcium. If we have enough calcium, we can do anything! Trouble with tests? Fighting with your parents? Some girl you like? Odiferous nethers? If you have enough calcium, all of these can be solved!

Shinpachi: No, they won’t! No matter how much calcium you get, you’ll still have broken bones after being hit by a car!

Gintoki: I got hit too, but I’m still kicking! It’s all thanks to my daily intake of this miracle elixir.

Shinpachi: You only drink strawberry milk! Don’t act like some tough guy!

Gintoki: What’s that? I drink milk coffee too.

Kagura: [eating] It’s got about 100 calories per serving, low salt content, and all the omega fatty acids you could want. Milk’s great.

Shinpachi: That’s my food!

Gintoki: Drink the strawberry milk. Strawberry milk.

Shinpachi: Oh gross. Sickly sweet!

Gintoki: What was that?! Gintoki has breath like a field of flowers.

Shinpachi: Uwah! Shinpachi takes 99 points of damage!

Shinpachi: Come on, you’re an adult. Act the part. It’s getting more and more uncomfortable staying here.

Gintoki: Well, a man is always on a journey to find his niche in life.

Shinpachi: Don’t act like you’re some kind of philosopher!

Kagura: Pops, yo! Mom, yo! Hey, hey, ho! I'm looking for a My House and i found a manhole! Can't stand up anymore, I'm tired from my adventure...Where's my house?

Shinpachi: Don’t rap it either! What are you singing about anyway?!

Gintoki: Goodness. There’s so many wannabes these days…It’s all because of calcium deficiency.

Kagura: It looks like we’re not welcome here! It’s like that fall in middle school when Hamaru-kun, who didn’t get mad even if called pimple face or crater boy, went on a rampage when I spoke to him and threw his chair at me!

Shinpachi: Who the hell is Hamaru-kun?

Shinpachi: We can’t heal you, so if that’s it, I suggest you donate money to a local church. Well, they do it for free sometimes, but I heard from great-grandma…No, I’m sorry! When I said “money”, I meant in this game I’m playing! No! I don’t want my last words to be some lame excuse about a game!

Shinpachi: What’s with the sukonbu?

Kagura: When I hear a sad story, my treats are the refuge of my soul…

Gintoki: It isn’t money or possessions that matter in this life, it’s love!

Kagura: So this is the state of the youth of today, is it?

Shinpachi: Huh? Why are you lecturing me like I’m a spoiled brat?

Kagura: Is this inheritance worth more than a sukonbu?

Gintoki: More than a whole family pack!

Gintoki: God, you have the memory of a chicken.

Old man: But hey, Gintoki, at least pay off your tab! The last time you paid me was 219 days ago. You have to pay for your seaside dumplings from 217 days ago, your mushroom and sweet wine dumplings from 212 days ago, and…

Gintoki: What are you, a kid trying to remember the stops before his train station? You won’t get done before sunset!

Old man: Anyway, Gintoki, pay up already. The last time you paid me was 219 days ago, and…

Gintoki: Why don’t you try memorizing pi instead?

Old man: Seriously? Pi? Huh? [Gintoki and Kagura run away] Hey! Which do you think is better, names of historical politicians or a mathematical equation?

Shinpachi: [to the old man] I bought your damned Jump and Playboy…

Client: [looking at Shinpachi’s outstretched hand] Hmm, you want one of three things. 1: for me to read your palm, 2: to hold your hand, 3: payment for your services. Now, which one is it?

Shinpachi: Money, you old bag! Money!

Shinpachi: What a dumb old man. I can’t stand him. What I really can’t stand though is how Playboy’s editors are so lax! Why can’t they get things right? The pages aren’t even numbered correctly!

Gintoki: I’m sorry, but our bond was forged on the promise of remuneration.

Shinpachi: I’m going to have to take this Jump back. I still want to know what happens on the tenth page.

Client: Who was it that said the candle burns brightest before it goes out? Oh yes, it was Kana-chan.

Gintoki: Looks like we’re going full speed ahead on the hairpin investigation.

Shinpachi: What??

Gintoki: Listen up! Let’s say you drink too much strawberry milk, and have to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, but it’s cold outside your bed. You don’t want to get up, but the urge to urinate is just too strong! You make up your mind to go! You run to the bathroom, stand in front of the toilet, and let loose! You think that all your life has led to this moment! But then you realize. It isn’t the bathroom! You’re still in bed! That feeling of lukewarm wetness spreads like wildfire! But you don’t stop! You can’t stop! That’s what I’m talking about! That’s the truth of the strawberry milk! Do you get it?

Kagura: Strawberry milk!

Shinpachi: Is that right... Huh?

Nearly everyone in the hospital:STRAWBERRY MILK! STRAWBERRY MILK!

Kagura: [letting Sadaharu smell the hairpin] When you find her, you can chew this up all you like, Sadaharu!

Shinpachi: It doesn’t work like that! Chew it up? And how will he find her?

Kagura: By smell.

Shinpachi: It’s been 50 years! There’s no smell left.

Kagura: You never know. Maybe she has terrible BO or something…

Shinpachi: BO? Don’t crush a young man’s conception of the female body, Miss Sukonbu!

Gintoki: Don’t worry, Shinpachi-kun. Real babes smell good, no matter how sweaty they get. But I suppose some might smell, in spite of being hot…

Shinpachi: Crazy man.

Gintoki: Oh well, rather than the perfect woman, I think I’d rather choose someone who really loves me, or some sappy B.S…

Gintoki: [to Sadaharu] Oi! You just went home! You trying to ruin our reputation here, ya dumb dog?! What are you doing? I told you to do your business outside. We can’t keep having the rugs cleaned.

Kagura: [about Otose] There’s no way she’d give anyone anything! I once saw her shoot down a passing star cruiser!

Gintoki: Nah, no way, the only way she'd be called Ayano would be if it had Battleship at the front.

Otose: Hey, how did you know my name was Ayano?

Kagura: Oh mister ant, are you enjoying your walk?

Otose: Why are you trying to reconcile the harsh truth with simple objects? I’m not an ant, I’m an Ayano!

Shinpachi: Hey, I think you hit something back there!

Kagura: I’m sure it was nothing.

Gintoki: Compared to our endeavor, the lives of others mean little.

Shinpachi: That was a person! A person! A person!

Gintoki: No, it wasn’t.

Kagura: If anything, it was a mushroom or maybe a toadstool.

Otose: You people make me sick.

Doctor: Who are you guys?

Gintoki: It’s a promise between strawberry milk drinkers!

Episode 12: "The person that has a good first impression isn't that of good person."

Otose: Can’t you just once pay up front, or maybe even on time? Or even forget it altogether and just say, “Oh, nice day isn’t it?” You’re terrible!

Gintoki: If it’s small talk you want, then I’ll give you small talk! It’s suuuuuch a niiiice daaaaay! Ugh, I can’t. It feels like cotton in my mouth.

Otose: Why don’t you use that no-good mouth to get some money?! Or should I do it? I bet those red lips would fetch a high price in the red light district!

Gintoki: Shut up! My lips exist solely for strawberry milk and chocolate parfaits.

Otose: If you’ve got time to eat filth like that, then pay the damned rent, even if it’s just 1 yen of it!

Gintoki: My life’s more important to me than the damned rent.

[Kagura asks if she can have seconds]

Gintoki: You’re like a vacuum! Don’t you dare take another bite!

[To Otose]

Kagura: You put sand in the snacks, because the drunks won’t tell. You’re smart lady.

[To Kagura]

Gintoki: Usually, someone eating makes a munching noise, but you sound more like a vacuum…Idiot! Don’t smile like that! It’s more expensive here than anywhere else in the city!

Otose: You think you can pay for that monster when you can’t even get your own shit together?

Gintoki: I was never very flexible. Who cares if a little shit remains?

Otose: Not that kind of shit…

[To Gintoki]

Shinpachi: Not only to you lack the will to do anything, you don’t even have the determination to run from your problems!

[About Catherine]

Gintoki: Quite impressive. She doesn’t have our perverse sense of humor.

Gintoki: It may be tough now, but the worst is surely yet to come. Keep that in mind, and you’ll be fine.

Shinpachi: When my sister makes fried eggs, you see and taste things you can’t even imagine. Gin-san, did you know? There are some canned goods that smell so bad, even a cat wouldn’t go near them. They say that smelly things often taste good. Gin-san, did you know? When the Inuit catch a reindeer, they eat all the intestines and everything. I’ll bet it’s so soft and warm and delicious. And Gin-san, did you know? When a hawk catches a rat, it only eats it after taking it apart in its nest! I’ll be it’s soooo…there’s so many good things on this earth!

Gintoki: Well, it’s something like a big trash bin here. What I mean is, we’re really both like trash, you see…No, I suppose even trash is a little strong…More like, we’re snot of the same nostril…no, pots from the same mould…

Shinpachi: There’s your culprit! What the hell’s with that glazed over sugar coma?!

Gintoki: I know who did it. This is the culprit! [points to Kagura, and Kagura breaks his finger] What the hell was that for?

Kagura: People who tell unfunny jokes get their fingers broken.

Gintoki: Wrong! And I was going to show you a way to get back home free too!

Police: Well, deportation isn’t exactly free…

Gintoki: She’d be fine, even if we threw her into space.

Kagura: I’m not a cockroach!

Gintoki: Watch your tone! Apologize to the poor cockroaches! They’re the most durable beings on the planet! Apologize to the cockroaches!

Gintoki: [going down the stairs] My mouth tastes terrible! I guess you really shouldn’t drink anything sweet before going to bed…All right, I’ve finally climbed up the stairs to manhood! Wait, or did I climb down?! Eh? What am I talking about, all alone?

[Shinpachi sees Gintoki and Catherine together]

Shinpachi: S-s-s-s-orry! I didn’t mean to interrupt your pleasurable night time encounter! Please, enjoy the concealment of the darkness to its fullest!

Gintoki: Oi.

Kagura: Ignorant mortals. Tremble before my power! Uwahahahaha!

Shinpachi: Are you sleepwalking? What kind of dream are you having? A shot glass and a cat?!

Kagura: Men’s lives are so puny…

Gintoki: Oi.

Shinpachi: [to Kagura] Where did this menacing tone come from?

[3-Z, Ginpachi Sensei]

Gintoki: All right, listen up you guys. The story of sugar is that a lot of people got together, and went to the land of sugar! It was a long, long time ago.

Student: Sensei, that’s just a fairy tale!

Episode 13: "If you’re going to cosplay, do it with all your heart!"

[Katsura rings the Yorozuya doorbell.]

Katsura: Excuse me? It's me, Katsura. [silence] No one home... And it's an emergency...

[Sadaharu opens the door. He and Katsura stare at each other for a second.]

Katsura: Uh... Excuse me, is Gintoki-kun home? I, uh, brought some bread rolls, so if you'd like to--

[Sadaharu bites Katsura's head.]

Parent: I’m afraid she got mixed up in something terrible!

Gintoki: Yeah…there’s a chance…she could be mixed up in some giant…ham processing machine…

Parent: I was thinking she got caught up in some kind of trouble…

Gintoki: Trouble? Oh, like ham trouble?

[Looking for the missing girl, Kagura asks a bar owner if he’s seen her.]

Guy: Is there a name?

Kagura: Em…Hammy.

Guy: Don’t make stuff up! What kind of parents would name their kid that?

Kagura: I forgot, but no big deal…

Gintoki: I can’t be bothered doing this. Let’s just buy some ham and pass it off as her.

Shinpachi: Who’re you trying to fool?! How long do you intend to use the ham joke?!

Shinpachi: Hey! Pointless characters shouldn’t take up the whole scene!

Gintoki: By whom should I swear? I’ll swear by the weather girl…

Daraku: If there’s something in your way, kill it. Kill it and get outta here! There’s a drama on tonight that I have to watch.

Gintoki: Me too.

Daraku: I’m not typically a guy who just hates people. But there are 3 types of people I can’t stand: The first is the guy who gets in the way of work; the second is a guy who doesn’t wash his hands in the restroom; the third is a dirty looking guy with a natural perm. You fit all the categories!

Gintoki: Do you want me to tell you the three kinds of people I hate? First! Girls who fool around during preparations for a school festival! Second! Foolish boys who tag along with them, unnecessarily aroused! Third! Teachers who just go along with it, smiling serenely!

Daraku: Geez. All you’re saying is you hate school festivals. I bet you had a gloomy youth…

Gintoki: Not as bad as yours. Fooling around in a restroom at your age…still, what I like about you is that you look like a leaf that can’t dress right.

Gintoki: I’m sorry that my stupid daughter caused you problems. I’ll just take her home and scold her. [he steps out of the bathroom to see a whole group of evil looking guys] Oi, oi, is everyone happily using the restroom together? There aren’t enough stalls.

Katsura: Speaking of which, why were you there?

Gintoki: Speaking of which, who the hell were those guys?

Gintoki: 'A person’s life is like carrying a heavy burden while walking a long road.' A long time ago, a guy named Tokugawa Nobuhide said that.

Katsura: What’s with the mixed names? It’s Lord Ieyasu, Lord Ieyasu!

Gintoki: When I first heard it, I thought it sounded so lame. But I guess you can’t dismiss what old people say. It wasn’t a burden. It was something important that you held with both hands. But you didn’t realize it was there when you held it. I only realized its true weight after it slipped from my hands. I don’t know how often I thought, ‘I’ll never carry this again.’ But, all of a sudden, I’m feeling that weight again…If I really threw it all away, it’d be easier. But, regardless, I don’t feel like it. It would be too boring to keep walking without them.

Katsura: Your right hand can’t carry the entire burden. From now on, I’m your left arm.

Guy: Look, we don’t need guys like you.

Gintoki: [dressed in a space pirate outfit] How rude. We want to be pirates too! Take us with you! Right, Zura?

Katsura: It’s not Zura; it’s Captain Katsura.

Gintoki: We’re mischievous guys who’ve dreamt of becoming pirates ever since we were little. We’re looking for the secret treasure called ‘One Park’. Right, Zura?

Katsura: It’s not Zura; it’s Captain Katsura.

Guy: Whatever. Go find it yourselves.

Gintoki: Don’t say that. Look, my hand’s a hook. I can only be a pirate or a coat hanger now.

Gintoki: [pointing his bokuto at the guy] At least give us an interview.

Katsura: [pointing his sword at the guy] Look, we even have resumes.

[After saving Kagura]

Gintoki: Shit, the wound opened up. Um, excuse me, is this where the interview is being held? Good afternoon, my name is Sakata Gintoki. I want to apply for captain. My hobby is eating sweets. My skills include being able to sleep with my eyes open…

Daraku: You’re Katsura!

Katsura: Wrong! I’m Captain Katsura!

Gintoki: Listen, I don’t care what you guys do around the universe. This is my sword, and anywhere it can reach is my country! Bastards who come in and try to mess with my things…whether it be a general, whether it be space pirates, whether it be a meteorite…I’ll destroy them!

Daraku: For a guy who doesn’t wash his hands in the restroom, you’re pretty clean. [falls over dead]

Shinpachi: This is no good. I’m so dizzy, I can’t walk.

Kagura: I’ve been in the sun so long, I’m getting light headed. Piggyback!

Gintoki: What are you two brats whining about? Who do you think is the most tired?! It’s with-a-two-day-hangover, with-body-beat-up, he-did-his-best Gin-san!

Shinpachi: But I’m really dizzy you know.

Kagura: Yeah, I’m so light headed!

Gintoki: Whatever, I’m going home. [starts walking away, then stops] Cut the crap already! I’ll give you a piggyback or whatever! [Kagura and Shinpachi run to Gintoki] What the hell, you’re just bursting with energy…

Kagura: Gin-chan, I feel like eating ramen!

Shinpachi: I want sushi, too!

Gintoki: Don’t think you can eat food like that unless it’s your birthday. Geez, you guys are so heavy, dammit.

Katsura: This time, you’re holding on to them as tightly as you can.

Gintoki: This is Gintoki. Recently, I was chasing after a cat who took my fish. I was running butt naked, and everyone, even the sun, was laughing at me.

[In the omake at the end]

Katsura: Zura janai, Captain Katsura dattebayo! (Note: "Zura janai, Katsura da" means "It's not Zura, it's Katsura." The dattebayo part is a play on the end particle of the sentence, "da". Dattebayo is Naruto's catchphrase from the anime/manga Naruto.)

Episode 14: "There's a weird rule guys have that says touching a frog means coming of age."/"You should wash only your armpits, only your armpits."

Gintoki: This week, Gin-san shares in his nationalistic anime’s good fortune for the first time.

Hijikata: You bastard, you somehow manage to condescend even while asleep. Hey, wake up, asshole. Why are you napping when we’re supposed to be beefing up security?

Okita: What do you want mom? Today’s Sunday you know. Damnit, you’re really annoying.

Hijikata: It’s TUESDAY, you ass!!

Hijikata: Don’t make light of your work, asshole.

Okita: When have I been making light of my work? The only thing I’ve been making light of is you, Hijikata-san!

Hijikata: Fine, let’s take this outside, bitch!

Kondo: [hits them] What the hell are you retards doing during work? What the fuck? You think this is a goddamn fieldtrip? Get your heads out of your asses!

Frog: [hits Kondo] You’re the noisiest of them all, ribbit.

Okita: What was that? We’re putting our lives on the line doing this crappy job.

Hijikata: Weren’t you sleeping?

Okita: I don’t feel much drive since he might be the one involved with the pirates. Right, Hijikata-san?

Hijikata: I’m always driven. [leaning back, smoking]

Okita: Don’t let anyone see you like that, or they’ll all lose their drive. Look, Yamazaki’s even playing badminton. Badminton.

Hijikata: Yamazaki! What the fuck do you think you’re doing?!

Kondo: If you see anyone in trouble, be it good guy or bad guy, you should help them out. This is something all humans should do.

Kondo: Monkeys we may be, but monkeys with nerves of steel and hearts of samurai!

[About Kondo]

Hijikata: No matter what mistakes he may make, I have to protect him. If you don’t like it, you can get out. I’ll never leave him.

[Okita has put the frog the Shinsengumi have been guarding on a cross, and has started to build a fire at the frog’s feet.]

Hijikata: What the fuck are you doing?!

Okita: Don’t worry, don’t worry. He won’t die. We just have to protect him, right? This way, we can lure out the enemy and get them. It’s aggressive protection.

Okita: I think it’s only right that bad people like you and I are also in the Shinsengumi.

Hijikata: Ah, it’s so cold tonight. Do me a favor and pile it up over there, Sougou.

Okita: No problem!

Frog: [with logs in his mouth] mmmmph!!!

Kagura: Gin-chan, what’s ‘in cahoots’?

Gintoki: [snores]

Kagura: Hey, don’t fake it, you stupid natural perm!

Soyohime: What in the world is this? Sour! Even more sour than an old man’s armpits!

Kagura: That’s what’s so good about it. Even an old man’s armpits grow on you with prolonged exposure!

Soyohime: No thanks. Not in a million years.

Hijikata: It’s so hot. Why the hell is our uniform so damned thick? Just when everyone else is switching to lighter clothing…And worse, we have to search for someone in this goddamned heat. Dammit.

Okita: Since you’re feeling hot, I can make you a set of summer clothes, Hijikata-san. [tries to slash Hijikata, but Hijikata dodges] That’s so dangerous. Please don’t move around. You’ll get hurt.

Hijikata: What’s dangerous is you! What do you think you’re doing?!

Okita: What am I doing? Helping to make your uniform sleeveless.

Hijikata: Liar! I think you just wanted to lop of my entire arm!

Okita: Actually, I’m in the midst of selling the summer clothes I mentioned. [holds up a sleeveless jacket] What do you think, Hijikata-san? Do you want one…

Hijikata: Who’d want one?! No matter how I look at it, it’s just some bad joke!

Kondo: Even though she’s a princess, she’s still a little girl. I’m sure she still has problems with her dad’s body odor or his weird looks.

Hijikata: She just has problems with her dad?

Okita: Anyway, it’s going to be pretty tough to find her. How about we just throw a party here to lure her out?

Hijikata: That’d only happen in a fairy tale. You’re the only one who’d fall for that!

Kagura: Kids these days just want to stuff their faces and make sweet love. At least that’s what Gin-chan says.

Kondo: Wait a minute, Sougou! What do you think you’re doing with that cannon?!

Okita: I’m not that great at standing around doing nothing.

Kondo: Wait! What if you hit the princess?!

Okita: That wouldn’t happen. After all, I used to be a sniper.

Kondo: Wasn’t that just a goal?!

Okita: It’s better to work towards your dreams then let them wither away.

Soyohime: It's okay, Ms. Queen. I'll just go back home now.

Kagura: What? Didn't you say you wanted to be free? Well let me help you be free!

Soyohime: Sure, I want to be free, but... I'd just be causing you trouble if we kept this up...

Kagura: That ain't no trouble at all! After all, we promised each other to be friends for a day! You don't need to have a reason to help a friend out, that's what we Edo girls do! I still have so many cool things to show you!

Soyohime: ...Yes. We are friends. But...

Kagura: Huh?

Soyohime: ...That's exactly why I can't cause you any more trouble. Thank you very much, Ms. Queen. It was just for half a day, but you made me feel like an average girl. It was wonderful. [bows] Well, I'll be going.

Kagura: Wait! That's not fair! How can you break a promise just like that? I still want to play around with you! I want us to get to know each other! It's not fair!

Soyohime: Yes, I know. I'm that selfish. So please, let me be selfish just one more time. Even though it was just one day, we'll always be friends.

Shinpachi: [watching TV with Gintoki] So the princess likes to eat sukonbu, eh.

Gintoki: What are you, stupid? That's a big fat lie! She's just acting like ordinary people to make us think royals can be lovable! I bet when she gets back to the palace, she chows down on tons of sushi! Now, take a look at a real sukonbu girl. [turns towards Kagura, who is sleeping] You can see how poor she is just by looking at the way she sleeps! That's reality for you.

Gintoki: [wearing a pink apron] Afternoon…it’s Cooking Today…

Otae: Today’s menu is omu rice! It’s popular with the oldest grandmothers and the youngest children! Right, sensei?

Gintoki: I hate children. Besides, why do I have to cook for other people anyway?

Otae: [pointing a knife at Gintoki] Let’s skip the extra talking, and get with the cooking, sensei.

Otae: Let’s begin with the chicken rice. Sensei, where do we start?

Gintoki: Kagura, cut the vegetables. Slice them into small pieces.

Kagura: Got it! [slices the onion, and table, into pieces with her hands]

Shinpachi: Hey! Now what will we do?

Kagura: I definitely sliced it into small pieces.

Gintoki: You’re supposed to cut vegetables this way. Oi! [throws an onion in the air and dices it with his bokuto] Yep, that’s how it’s done.

Shinpachi: Hey! No way can people cut onions with a bokuto!

Gintoki: It’s all in the mind! The mind! Not just cutting onions—you can do anything with the mind!

Otae: Um, sensei, since the show started, you’ve just thrown in ingredients. Aren’t you going to explain what you’re doing?

Gintoki: It’s all right. Don’t worry. All these should be easy to do.

Otae: But we’re running a cooking show, after all. It’s pretty abnormal not to explain clearly what’s happening…

Gintoki: Well, when men cook, it’s always like this. If you just follow what I do, then…[sudden cut to a finished dish]

Otae: The dish is finally ready.

Shinpachi: When did you add the noodles??

Otae: It seems like the base is ready. The rice should also…[pan to Kagura eating the rice out of the rice cooker]

Shinpachi: Hey!! The dish isn’t done! You’re not supposed to eat the rice yet!

Kagura: Can I have another helping?

Shinpachi: This is such a disaster…

Gintoki: Oi, oi, What did you do? We don’t have anymore rice here now…

Otae: I thought something like this would happen, so I’ve already prepared the completed dish.

Shinpachi: It can’t be…

Gintoki: It’s not some burnt eggs, is it? [They open the box to a disembodied scream. There are charred eggs inside.] I knew it…

Kagura: Do we really have to eat this?

Episode 15: "The owner and its pet are alike."

Gintoki as Ginpachi Sensei: Well, all the good kids out there, light up your rooms... And stay in school, unless you wanna grow up to become bums like me. That's it.

[Gintoki is trying to pull Sadaharu by its leash, fruitlessly]

Gintoki: Bad dog, you can't poop there [in the middle of the street]! Your shit's bigger than kids' dreams! Dammit, that's why I didn't wanna walk you! And she [Kagura] said she'd look after you! In the end, it's the mother who's supposed to look after the dog! Hey... So I'm the mother?

Katsura: If you can't even make a single animal obey you, how are you supposed to protect your country? You dare call yourself a samurai like that?

Gintoki: Zura... What the hell's that? That's unpleasant!

Katsura: It's not unpleasant; it's Elizabeth.

Gintoki: Maybe it doesn't look bad by itself, but being next to you makes it unpleasant! I mean, it's you who's unpleasant.

Gintoki: Well yeah, I think the years have softened him [Katsura]. I wonder if he'd like to take this one [Sadaharu, that is chewing on Gintoki's head] too? We don't need anything from which we can't profit. This thing only gives us shit and pain.

Kagura: Aren't you being a bit unfair to Sadaharu? Keep crushing his skull, Sadaharu. [Sadaharu bites harder on Gintoki until he starts bleeding.]

Gintoki: Wait, wait, wait, wait! Got it, got it! Shit and pain, plus piss!

Kagura: Well, it's okay, Sadaharu. Let him go. [Sadaharu glomps Gintoki's head]

Shinpachi: It's NOT okay! You didn't add anything positive!

Otose: One week?

Gintoki: Yeah, I'll be sure to pay you within the next week, interests included.

Kagura: And I've promoted myself for that! I'll be able to eat as much sukonbu as I want!

Shinpachi: You've got such narrow goals...

[Kagura and Catherine are locked in a catfight.]

Kagura: You may steal whatever you want, but keep your hands off my things, you cat-eared two-timer!

Catherine: If you can't look after your stuff, then stop acting so tough, you brat!

Kagura: Just you try it, fox-eared dumbass! I hope a car runs you over!

Catherine: Who's gets run over by a car these days, you little bitch?!

Kagura: Say what?!

[Sadaharu is sitting on top of Gintoki and Shinpachi.]

Gintoki: [dressed in Sena Kobayakawa's uniform from Eyeshield 21] Uh, couldn't you finish this in a more delicate way?

Shinpachi: It's like we're putting our lives on the line with every blow.

Katsura: So, you decided to heed my advice and train Sadaharu?

Gintoki: Don't be stupid! Why would I change my mind just by listening to you?

Kagura: We're gonna take Sadaharu here to TV!

Katsura: TV?

Gintoki: That's why we're training! Not that it would matter to you, anyway-- WAAARGH! [Sadaharu stomps on Gintoki and Shinpachi's groins with its hind feet.]

Kagura: Yeah, great! Hit 'em where it hurts, Sadaharu!

TV Announcer: Uh, that thing chewing on your head... is it Sadaharu? Is he fine?

Gintoki: Yeah, no prob. Sadaharu's pretty smart, he knows just how much I can take.

TV Announcer: But you seem to be bleeding...

Shinpachi: Geez, can't you take this any more seriously? Keep it up, and we won't make it to the finals!

Gintoki: [bleeding, with his head bitten on by Sadaharu] Really? But the judges are staring so much at my beautiful face...

Shinpachi: Of course they are! Take a look in a mirror!

[The Yorozuya crew sees Katsura enter the stage dressed in his Space Captain outfit, accompanied by Elizabeth.]

Gintoki: What the crap does that guy think he's doing? Even being in the most wanted list, he dares to show up on TV in disguise.

Shinpachi: I think he really loves his pet.

Kagura: Not just the pet; I think he loves to play dress-up.

TV Announcer: So, Katsura-san, what do you mean with "Space Captain"?

Katsura: Well, it means that I'm a captain from space.

[Elizabeth has painted a Picasso-like portrait of Katsura.]

TV Announcer: It's such a magnificent piece of art! Looks just like it was painted by a human!

Katsura: [grabbing the announcer by the collar] Please. That comparison is an offense to Elizabeth's talent.

[at the second part of the pet competition]

TV Announcer: By the way, the winner will get 30,000 points, so give it your best!

Katsura: Hey, Mr. Announcer! Then what was the first part of the competition for?

TV Announcer: Well, that was just to make the show more entertaining...

Katsura: There's no need for that kind of thing! I demand you change the rules immediately!

Gintoki: Hey Zura, stop bothering the announcer with your demands. If you got any beef with this, then just go home.

[a close shot of Elizabeth running shows a man-like leg underneath an apparent costume.]

TV Announcer: Eh... Am I seeing things? It seems like I caught a glimpse of a geezer's leg for a while... [the camera is showing Elizabeth's feet in slowmotion. The human leg is shown again] Ah! I saw it again! Take a look!

Katsura: [holding his sword against the announcer's throat] Stop talking nonsense. Elizabeth's been working real hard for today. Don't you dare say she looks like a geezer.

[Gintoki, Katsura and Sadaharu are piled on top of Elizabeth, preventing her to reach for the bone. Gintoki is pressing his bokuto against Elizabeth's neck, Katsura has Gintoki in a chokehold, and Sadaharu is biting on Katsura's head.]

Male voice: Ahhh, I'm getting tired of this... What a pain in the ass...

[Everyone stops fighting, and reels back in panic upon realizing the voice comes from Elizabeth.]

"Elizabeth": I wanna go home. Could you guys please get off my back?

Episode 16: "When you think about it, life seems longer when you're an old man! Scary!!"

Hasegawa: You may still be young, kiddo, but remember to think about the consequences before you do anything. Life's pretty long, you know.

Kagura: I don't want no advice from a loser like you. [starts to leave] See ya, good-for-nothing old fart [maru de dame na ossan]. Or madao, to shorten it. C'mon, Sadaharu.

[Sadaharu pounces on Kagura, but she kicks him away.]

[a man in the waiting room for a job interview lights his cigarette and accidentally sets his hair on fire.]

Hasegawa: Hey, hey! You're burning, you're burning!

Guy: Yeah. The desire for responsibility is burning inside of me.

Hasegawa: That's not it! Your head is in flames!

Guy: Oh? Eh... [notices the fire] Aaaaahhh! [spins around in panic] What'll I do?! What'll I do?!

Office worker: Mr. Shoji Gindo? It's time for your interview-- [sudden deep voice] He's on fire!

Guy: [standing straight, nervously] I promise to put my burning passion in my work for this company starting now!!

Office worker: You're not employed yet!!! [splashes the man with water]

[Hasegawa has recognized an old working partner in his job interview.]

Hasegawa: Well, well, since you work for this company, I suppose I can get relieved. So, for old times' sake, wouldn't you have some nice job there? [gets stomped on the head]

Onishi: Is that for real??

Hasegawa: Wh-what? Onishi-kun!

Onishi: Damn you, Hasegawa! Am I supposed to deal with you like you used to deal with me? [flashbacks show Hasegawa beating Onishi up]

Hasegawa: No... That-those were superior orders--

Onishi: Shut the fuck up! If you wanna work here, you should take me as a role model and lose the beard, dickhead!

Hasegawa: My-my beard?!

Onishi: And while you're at it, take off those shades too!

Hasegawa: No! Leave the shades alone!

Onishi: So you want a job, but you don't wanna sacrifice yourself for it? I get it. You're really the old-timer kind [maji de dassai oyaji] - in short, a madao.

[Hasegawa gets angry and beats Onishi up.]

[Hasegawa remembers other job interviews he had later.]

Interviewer 1: Can't you do anything about that hairdo and the shades? They make you seem like an old guy with a taste for old stuff [massa ni datsuou na oji-san], in other words, a madao.

Interviewer 2: Your breath's bad and the shades are a bit... Gee, they make you seem like a depraved old fart [mattaku, darakushite ossan], or a madao, if we abbreviate.

Hasegawa: Wherever I went, it was "madao" this, "madao" that. [he then remembers being at a soba stand]

Customer: Hey, old guy? What the hell's with this horrible bean soup [mazui dashi to oage]? Or madao for short?

Hasegawa: Shut it!!! [Hasegawa knocks the man out.] What the hell's wrong with being a madao?!

Otose: Hey mister, we're closing.

Hasegawa: Aah, can't you let me drink just a bit more? I wanna find a place where I can stay away from the reality that suffocates me.

Otose: I just hope you don't puke out whatever's suffocating you, 'cause it's probably something you ate. And take off those sunglasses, or you'll catch a cold.

Hasegawa: Shaddup! I'm okay.

Otose: What are you saying? You're obviously not okay, mister [mattaku daijobu ja nai okyaku] - shortening, madao.

[Hasegawa is at the bar where Otae works.]

Otae: People with such unfriendly attitude is known around here as "men that nobody would like to date" [matomo ni dakaretakunai otoko], or more abbreviatedly, madao, sir.

Kondo: [popping up suddenly] HOLD ON!!! What's the meaning of this??? So if a man is friendly, it's a man who Otae-san would really like to date [maji de dakaetai otoko], or in short, a madao-- [gets knocked out by a tray thrown by Otae at his face].

[Katsura, dressed as a Buddhist monk, passes by a washed-out Hasegawa.]

Katsura: Mister, please wait a second.

Hasegawa: What do you want from me, monk?

Katsura: It's not monk; it's Katsura. This may be a bit sudden, but how would you like to hold up your sword and forge a new future for Japan?

Hasegawa: What the hell are you saying so early in the-- [a rocket explodes next to them.]

Katsura: We'd better run for now. [fleeing from the Shinsengumi]

Hasegawa: Wh-what's that mean, brother?

Katsura: It's not brother! It's Katsura!!!

[Hijikata and Okita are interrogating Hasegawa.]

Hasegawa: I'm telling you, I'm a former agent of the Alien Affairs Bureau! Hasegawa! Check your records and you'll see!

Hijikata: Make up some believable lies at least.

Hasegawa: It's true, damnit!

Okita: Well, I guess we'll have to strip you naked to find out.

Okita: You know, you're just an idiot who can't fool anyone [mattaku damasenai otoboke]. Abbreviating, a madao.

Hijikata: Now get stripped!

Hasegawa: [narrating] In the end, wherever I went, I was a madao.

Gintoki: You idiot! Don't blame all of your problems on your shades! It's the same as tripping in the middle of the street and blaming the pebbles!

Gintoki: Hey old man, make him [Hasegawa] something his Mama would make.

Oden stand owner: How should I know what it is?

Gintoki: When I say "something Mama would make", I meant some digestive biscuits! Ain't that obvious?

Oden stand owner: What kind of mother's that?!

Okita: [boarding Hasegawa's taxi] You see that guy in the tuxedo? The one who seems to be looking down on people? Hit him with enough force not to kill him, please.

Gintoki: I'm so bored... Can you make the ride for free?

Hasegawa: Stop joking around. I'm making a living off of this.

Gintoki: Whatever. Just take me past the horizon.

Hasegawa: What are you, my bride?

[Hasegawa starts the car.]

Gintoki: So, how's the new job?

Hasegawa: It was fine until you came around.

Gintoki: Not long before you were at the gates of death. Now you're looking way better.

Hasegawa: Stop bothering me. Nothing's changed. I've got a new job, but no purpose in life. I still can't see anything ahead of me.

Gintoki: Well, ain't that the same for everyone? If you look for it persistently, soon you'll find it.

Hasegawa: Nah, I don't think so. You and me are the only demotivated people in this anime.

[Hasegawa decides to turn back to get a doctor for a woman in labor.]

Prince Hata: You've got to be kidding me!!! First you tear off my lure, and now you want to return?! Are you serious?! I have to see a panda today, no matter what!!!

Hasegawa: C'mon now, you'd rather see a panda than helping Earthl people out? A human baby's pretty cute, you know.

Prince Hata: What do I care?!? Why should I feel anything for a bunch of malnourished, rancid monkeys?! Why should I give a damn to what happens to one or two human babies? Just who do you think I am?!!

Gintoki: [grabbing the Prince by his face] Who do you think you are? You're just an agent.

Hasegawa: You'd better stop. What do you think you're doing to the Prince, you bastard? [Gintoki glares at him.] I see, Your Highness. You'll be glad to see a panda, right? Now that I remember, there's one close by.

Prince Hata: Eh? Really? Where?

Hasegawa: Just look in a mirror in the morning!!! [punches the Prince through the rear window.]

[Kagura and Hasegawa are sitting at the park again.]

Kagura: Hey, mister. It's been a while since we've met. Why'd you come back?

Hasegawa: Oh, it's because I was fired again.

Kagura: Why were you fired again?

Hasegawa: Well... I decided to follow my principles. But I'm not upset, 'cause even though I ain't of much use, I've decided to live my life the way I want.

Kagura: What do you think you're doing, unemployed and joking around with a girl? [starts leaving.] C'mon, Sadaharu. See ya, old fart who lives the way he wants without getting anything [massugu ikitemo da inashi-na jinsei-na ossan]. Or madao, to shorten it.

Hasegawa: [smirks, as Kagura leaves.] Somehow, that still doesn't quite sound good.

Episode 17: "Father and son always share personality flaws."

Otose: I don't give a damn if you're the number one inventor in Edo. For all I've seen, all you do is scrap metal. It's time we from Kabuki-cho dealt with you. [blows smoke from her cigarette.] Alright boys, your turn now.

[Gintoki, Kagura and Shinpachi step in with a boombox and loudspeakers.]

Shinpachi: [on a microphone, with heavy feedback] Well, first of all, I'm Shinpachi Shimura from Kabuki-cho. Pleased to meet you all.

[Gintoki and Kagura turn on the boombox. Otsuu's "Your Dad is an XX" plays loudly as Shinpachi sings along, off-key, making everyone cover their ears.]

Otose: Enough! Make him shut up for God's sake! Why the hell is he so noisy?! It feels like our noses are ringing!

Gintoki: The best way to stop a bothersome guy is by outbothering him! If someone is never defeated, then he'll never understand others' pain!

Otose: It's you who don't understand it! My eardrums are about to explode!!!

Gintoki: What are you talking about?! It's Shinpachi who's suffering the most here! He's the one who has to sing and show the world how tone-deaf he is!

Hiraga: Hey, Saburo! Stop wasting time and throw them outta here!

Saburo: [holding Gintoki by the head] Understood.

Hiraga: Whaaa? Uh-uh-hey, wai--

[The robot throws Gintoki at Hiraga.]

Gintoki: One cup of tea, please.

Saburo: Understood.

Hiraga: Saburo! Why are you obeying him?! Get me outta here!

Gintoki: Hey, these things you make are actually pretty useful, old man. Can I have one of these walking trashcans? [Saburo pours hot tea on Gintoki's head.] Ouch! That hurts!!

Hiraga: [laughing] Serves you right! Saburo can only understand a few words. And he'll attack whoever insults or attacks him. [to Saburo] Well! Now that you've learned, untie me now! Make it quick, you pile of junk! [Saburo punches him.]

Hiraga: Since the Shogun appears so rarely, I've been requested by the Shogunate to make a presentation with my robots. What'll I do? If I don't have it ready in time, I'll have to commit seppuku!

Gintoki: That reminds me, we left some curry cooking at home. [he, Shinpachi and Kagura run away carrying one of Saburo's arms]

Hijikata: [briefing the Shinsengumi] If you see anyone who looks suspicious, don't hesitate in arresting him. I will assume all responsibility.

Okita: Really? Well then, if I see a samurai, I'll kill him, and you'll assume the responsibility.

Hijikata: Well, everyone, forget what I just said.

[At a shooting gallery.]

Kagura: So, you'll give me anything I can shoot at?

Hasegawa: Yeah, if you can hit it! Aim carefully...

[Kagura shoots Hasegawa's sunglasses out of his face.]

Kagura: Gimme the shades, old fart.

Hasegawa: You got it all wrong! You're supposed to aim at these things right-- [gets his watch shot.]

Okita: [brandishing another rifle.] Give me the watch. [stares at Kagura.]

Hasegawa: Heeey, wait a second! Hold on! I know I said I'd give you anything you'd hit, but not my own things! You hear?! [Kagura and Okita point at him and start shooting as Shinpachi watches.]

Kagura: Got your beard!

Okita: Got your overcoat.

Kagura: Got one of your nipples!

[Yamazaki hands Hijikata an oden box with most of it eaten.]

Hijikata: What the...

Yamazaki: I was in a hurry, so I accidentally tripped and fell on my way. I am terribly sorry. I realize my carelessness.

Hijikata: Yeah? Well I think that sauce around your mouth was even more careless.

[Yamazaki tries to run away, but Hijikata beats him up.]

Gintoki: So, this was all your doing, Takasugi.

Takasugi: My doing? Don't make me laugh. I just saw what he wanted and offered a hand. I know of his suffering. After all, the dark beast of revenge lies within me too. "Let's avenge our comrades!", "let's give the enemy a taste of our suffering!", "let's kill them!", "let's kill 'em all!"... These words keep ringing in my ears, nonstop. Can you hear them, Gintoki? ...No. I'm sure you can't. Someone like you, who left it all behind due to blissful indifference, could never understand it.

[Gintoki grabs Takasugi's blade, causing his hand to bleed.]

Gintoki: Takasugi, if you underestimate me, then you're in trouble. I, too, am breeding a beast.

Takasugi: [thinking] I... can't move...

Gintoki: Not a dark one, but a white one. And its name... is Sadaharu! [throws a punch]

Kondo: [dramatically] Oh no! My famous Kotetsu sword is broken! That cannot be!!! Toushi... My Kotetsu... Impossible!

Hijikata: Shut up! This is no time to talk about it!

Kondo: But I'm still paying its benefits... It can't be!

Saburo: [last words] O-old... man... I... li-liked you better... covered up in oil... happy... pl-playing with your... machines... li-like a kid... covered up in mud... but still... playing... happily... th-that's how I... liked... [deactivates]

Hiraga: Why... Why must it always end like this?

Gintoki: Well, I'm sure it's enough for you to live on through old age.

Katsura: Anyone can show his fangs if it is to protect something. But you, without anything to protect, are nothing but a wild beast, Takasugi.

Takasugi: Being a wild beast is okay by me. I don't need or want to protect anything. All I want is destruction. To break stuff until this beast stops moaning.

Episode 18: "Ahh! Home is where the heart is."

Shinpachi: [holding a plush doll that looks like Elizabeth.] For some strange reason, I feel like I've seen this plushie before, but where? [checks the tag, which reads "Space Monster Stefan".] Uh? If this is a lucky charm, why did they write "Space Monster" on this tag? Hey, sir...

Skull-faced street vendor: Run away!

[Otae stabs the plush doll with a naginata, nearly missing Shinpachi.]

Shinpachi: S-sister! What are you doing?! You were gonna kill your own brother?!

Otae: Oh. It's you, Shinpachi.

Shinpachi: Stefan... There's a hole in Stefan's belly!

Otae: Don't come home at a time like this. You got me confused.

Shinpachi: N-not to come home? How can you say that to your dear little brother?

Otae: [with a deep, angry tone.] Damn it. Do you realize all the trouble I've been through while you were away?

Shinpachi: Sister, your personality changed completely! What's going on?

Otae: [grabs the plushie with enough force to tear it apart.] What's going on, you ask? The more I recall it, the more furious I get!!! [rips open the plushie.]

Shinpachi: Aah! Stefan! Wasn't he supposed to be part of this episode's plot?!

Gintoki: Eh? An underwear thief?

Shinpachi: Yeah. It seems it happened while I was at the Odd Jobs, she had her underwear stolen twice.

Waitress: [while Shinpachi speaks.] Whose coffee and chocolate ice cream is this?

Gintoki: Mine.

Kagura: The veal fillets are mine!

Shinpachi: Can you do anything about it?

Gintoki: [eating his ice cream.] What are you talking about?

Shinpachi: I just told you, a panty thief!

Gintoki: Oh, panty thief?

Shinpachi: That's right! While I was living at the Odd Jobs, her underwear was stolen twice! Aren't you gonna do anything?

Gintoki: [still eating the ice cream.] Do anything about what?

Shinpachi: [exasperated] I'm telling you! The thief who's stealing underwear! Panties! [everyone in the restaurant suddenly turns their attention to Shinpachi.]

Gintoki: [nonchalantly] Oooh, a panty thief, right?

Shinpachi: Are you even listening?

Gintoki: I heard that, a long time ago, people wore no underwear beneath their clothes. Craftswomen, girls walking around the street, little girls, even princesses...

Shinpachi: Isn't it all the same? If you wanted to give examples, you should've given a broader age gap to nclude old women, adult women and young girls.

Gintoki: You dumbass! We're not talking about underwear, panties or wearing nothing! If we were talking about lingerie, we should talk only about young girls!

Kagura: Hey, only old men say "panties" these days.

Shinpachi: Eh? Are you serious?

Gintoki: You can't say "scantily clad" either.

Shinpachi: Nobody says that these days.

Gintoki: One thing you should never say is "thong". That word robs the girls from their shyness and deprives men from their joy.

Kagura: Well, I'm wearing a tie-up thong! [Gintoki and Shinpachi get startled.]

Gintoki: You liar! That's a lie!

Kagura: I'm not lying. I've been wearing the same garments for years now. But now they're so wasted, there's only the cord left.

Shinpachi: What kind of underwear is that?

Kagura: In a way, you may say it's "vintage panties".

Gintoki: They're not worth a cent. Take 'em off.

Gintoki: Regardless, our ancestors never paid no mind to underwear, nor did they wear it. In other words, one could do whatever they liked. Even the princesses were valiant like generals under their kimonos!

Shinpachi: That's actually not a bad contradiction.

Gintoki: Even when they seemed docile on the outside, they still were like a shogun on the inside. Or barbarians in-- [Otae interrupts him by punching his face.]

Otae: [deep, serious voice.] I don't want you to bother me with your "no underwear" theories. That darned thief stole my favorite "battle panties", the pervert!

Gintoki: "Battle panties"? You planned to fight somebody?

Otae: Exactly. I may need my full strength to settle the score. Never judge a book by its cover.

Gintoki: [still with Otae's fist buried on his face.] And what will that get you? Would it satisfy you to get revenge in a duel to the death just to recover something you lost? Is that acceptable, if only to recover your panties?

Otae: [with an evil smile.] It's not just the panties. I'll catch him and make him bleed.

Shinpachi: Sister...!

Gintoki: That's not something a civilized, panty-wearing girl would say. I'd say that's the kind of thing you'd expect from a naked hunter from centuries ago.

Kagura: Panty thieves are every woman's enemy! I'm willing to lend you my strength for this cause, Boss [Otae]!

Otae: [in her usual gentle tone.] Oh my, Kagura-chan. [back to the deep, vengeful tone.] Well said. Come on, let's drink to celebrate this sisterly relationship.

Kagura: [also with a deeper voice.] Okay.

Shinpachi: W-wait! You'll end up killing somebody!

Shinpachi: We're done for. They [Otae and Kagura] just assembled an axis of evil.

Gintoki: Leave 'em. Think about it. Isn't the culprit clear by now?

Shinpachi: Eh? Who could it be? [suddenly glares downward. The scene pans to show Kondo lying under the table.]

Kondo: [whispering] Uh? I've been discovered? Couldn't be... But, uh... They must've spotted me. Ah! I've been caught! What's that?! You think I'm the thief?! [tries to stand, only to bang his head against the table.] A samurai of my class would never lower himself to steal women's panties!

Gintoki: A samurai would never live his life stalking people either.

Kondo: Even if I was a stalker, I'd never be a panty thief! I'll sue you, bastards!

Shinpachi: It's you who should be sued here.

[Kondo has told Gintoki and Shinpachi about the Loincloth-Masked Thief.]

Gintoki: Oh. So that's they story behind these panties. I always thought they were a gift from Santa.

Shinpachi: Santa giving you panties? This isn't even Christmas time for God's sake!!!

Gintoki: Shut up! The Santa Claus of Kabuki-cho works all year!

Kondo: [laughing] It comes to show how unpopular you are with girls! You're pathetic!

Shinpachi: Yeah, I see. There's a proof that you, too, aren't popular with girls sticking out just like a sore thumb. [indeed, Kondo has a pair of panties halfway outside his coat. He notices and quickly covers it.]

Kondo: Agh! This... This isn't that thief's doing!

Shinpachi: Then you're even worse than the other guy...

Gintoki: [holding his panties with enough strength to almost tear them apart.] He's nothing but a pervert, but acts like a heroic thief! I cannot believe it... I just can't! [tears the panties.] How should he know I wasn't popular with the girls?!

Kondo and Shinpachi: Ah! The panties!!!

Gintoki: Here's the 35th Annual Panty Thief Capture Project! [everyone - Otae, Kagura, and many of the Shinsengumi members - celebrate.]

Shinpachi: [deadpan] "35th"? "Annual"?

Gintoki: And, along with you people, we have here the self-appointed director, Mr. Isao Kondo, to give us his opening speech. [Kondo steps up.]

Kondo: Well, the Shinsengumi is here to guard and protect the peace of the city. And what is peace? It is to make sure the people will live happily and free from disturbance! To assure the felicity of anyone under our care, we've sworn to make an even better peace! [Otae giggles, he blushes slightly.] That is why, Shinpachi-kun, protecting your sister's underwear is also in the Shinsengumi's mission!

Okita: Oh, that's just like the boss to use such an excuse. What a genius.

Kondo: Hey!!!

Shinpachi: By the way, what is the whole Shinsengumi doing here?

Okita: For revenge. Right, Hijikata-san?

[the crowd opens up, revealing Hijikata knelt on the ground behind them.]

Okita: It turns out someone's been stupid enough to send one of these pitiful panites to Hijikata-san. [shows the panties, which Hijikata promptly slashes to ribbons.]

Hijikata: He's a dead man.

Shinpachi: [thinking] H-he's really gonna kill him!

Gintoki: Listen up! This is the Surrounded-by-Girls Panty Thief Capture Plan!

[everyone applauds, except for Hijikata, who just nods approvingly, and Shinpachi.]

Shinpachi: What do you mean, "surrounded by girls"?

Otae: [holding up a pair of sparkly, fuchsia panties.] I'll use my "battle panties" as bait! They're strong and energetic, just like being punched by a cat!

Kondo: Punched by a cat... [blood spurts from his nose as he falls over.]

Gintoki: Hang on, that's too much. No man would resist that. All of them would be drawn in.

Otae: Hmm... [holds up a pair of beige panties with a teddy bear's head printed on it] How about these then? If I had to describe them, I'd call them a "crimson knockout".

Kondo: Crimson knockout... [more blood spurts from his nose and he falls down again.]

Gintoki: No, no, no. That would attract all perverts.

Shinpachi: Couldn't you think of her brother, who's seen so much of his sister's underwear that he's grown desensitized to it? Kind of like a romantic scene that causes constipation when you watch a drama with your family.

Kagura: And thus, a kid climbs the mountain towards maturity.

Shinpachi: You! Stop jumping to conclusions!

Okita: Seeing your sister's panties is no big deal. Hijikata-san once caught his dad wearing a bra.

Gintoki: I see. The impact from that incident was what made him "cross the street".

Hijikata: No it wasn't!

[suddenly, Otae interrupts them all with a horizontal naginata slash.]

Otae: [furiously] I'm staking my life for my panties! If you got enough time to talk, you got time to work too, lazy-asses!

Everyone: [frightened] Uh... yes!

Kagura: Sister, you're sooo cool!

Gintoki: Listen! Our thief is a pervert who doesn't care about any defined amount of panties, but for the kind of women who possesses them. Therefore, he'll come. And then, we'll teach him a lesson. I don't give a damn if he uses a loincloth for a mask or if he steals panties. We just can't let him keep smearing the innocence of women and make fun of the pride that we, as men, feel! Let the spirits guide your steps towards the slaughter! Let's paint the white with the red of blood!

Okita: [carrying a large bag on his back.] Well, well, I predicted something like this could happen, so I went to pick these up from the storeroom.

Shinpachi: And what are these?

Okita: How should I put it... They're something like... landmines.

Shinpachi: They're not "something like" landmines! They are landmines!

Okita: It was a bit tough to get them. Security there's a bit tight.

Hijikata: The path of evil slithers like a serpent.

Shinpachi: I couldn't agree more!

Otae: Shin-chan. It's just like you said, this is a battlefield. If you're here just to fool around, then go home.

Shinpachi: Sister... The matter is, here is my home.

Hijikata: Well said. The battlefield is your home.

Shinpachi: Ergh... No, that's not what I meant...

Hijikata: By ignoring your many flaws, your determination gets strenghtened to defeat an unknown evil. Oh, it brings me back.

Shinpachi: Eh? Many flaws?

Otae: [pushing her naginata against Shinpachi] Yeah. Even if you have to skewer your enemy completely.

Hijikata: Better yet, tear him to bits.

Otae: [against a dreamy background] Break him apart.

Hijikata: [against the same background] Dismember him and stomp him down.

Shinpachi: [cuts in between them, making the background disappear] Heeey! You're getting me scared!

Shinpachi: Maybe he's not coming today? No, not just today. Maybe never...

Gintoki: It's okay. He will come.

Shinpachi: What basis do you have to affirm that?

Kagura: There's some very precious panties out there just waiting to be snatched away! There's no way a panty thief would let this opportunity slide!

Shinpachi: But that's just too obvious. The more you look into it, it still looks like a trap!

Otae: Shin-chan... When a thief gets into scrapes to get what he wants, he can be even more daring.

Shinpachi: Why are you giving the thief a personality? What if he's a coward?

Okita: Does it matter who it is? We'll just catch someone nearby, pass him off and it's done.

Hijikata: If all of us tell the same story, no one will know it.

Shinpachi: What do you mean, "someone nearby"? And "if we tell the same story"?!

Gintoki: Oi, oi, stop screaming. If the thief listens to you, all our effort will go down the drain.

Shinpachi: Well, guess what, you may get lost, what with all this heat!

Gintoki: What the hell did you say, jackass? [grabs Shinpachi violently] You want me to help with your contact lenses?

Otae: [gets pushed back by the ruckus, then starts hitting Shinpachi on the head with the butt of her naginata] Stop this, you two!

Shinpachi: I'm supposed to be the guy wearing glasses in this anime!!!

Okita: You think they need help?

Hijikata: I can guess how this fight will end. They'll just continue until someone can go no further.

Kagura: My fist is getting furious, too!!! Someone better feed it blood!!!

[the fight soon involves them as well.]

Kondo: C'mon, stop it, stop it. We shouldn't be fighting. [sighs] I'm sure everyone's stressed due to the heat. Let's take a rest then--

Gintoki: [off-screen] Shut up, loser!

Otae: [off-screen] Shut up, deadbeat!

Kagura: [off-screen] Shut up, Hanarari-kun!

Hijikata: [off-screen] Shut up, Miso bun!

Okita: [off-screen] Shut up, gorilla.

Kondo: [crying like a girl] I'm sure it's the heat! It's all because of he heat! [normally] Well, I'll go buy some refreshments. I'm sure that'll calm you down.

Kagura: [still fighting] I want an azuki ice cream!

Gintoki: [still fighting] To me, something like coffee ice cream!

Otae: [still fighting] Bargain Dash (spoof of Häagen-Dazs) for me!

Okita: [still fighting, but calmly] Some jungle flavor will do.

Hijikata: [still fighting] A dish of veal with a pound of mayonnaise over it!

Shinpachi: [still fighting] Uh... tea!

Kondo: Okay, I'll go get your orders. Be nice!

Kondo: Damn, can't get nothing done without them...

[steps on a mine. The explosion breaks up the fight.]

Otae: [looking at Kondo, who is laying in a crater] Look, Kondo-san's been blown up.

Kagura: Seems so.

Hijikata: I wonder if it was the heat.

Gintoki: No way. He must've stepped on a landmine. What a dumbass, couldn't he remember where he buried them? [everyone starts laughing]

Shinpachi: Huh? Wait a second. [staring at the empty yard] Does anyone here remember where they are buried?

Otae: That's a problem. The paperboy will be blown up tomorrow.

Shinpachi: Now you say that!?

Loincloth-Masked Thief: While the light shines, the darkness stays in ambush! And there shall be a hairless man! Guided by the light of panties, the knight of romanticism shows his true power! [posing] The phantom thief, a man covered only by a loincloth, has arrived!

Loincloth-Masked Thief: It seems that you were waiting for me, but your traps are useless!

Shinpachi: This is the worst!!! He came at the worst possible time!!!

Loincloth-Masked Thief: You honestly thought you could fool me with such a kiddies play? You are underestimating the heroic thief, the loincloth-masked man! But since I am already here, I will be your opponent! Stay with your arms crossed while I pick up the panties for which I have been called a pervert; a stalker; a virgin!

Loincloth-Masked Thief: [emerging from wooden debris after catching the bait-panties] How naïve. Something like this [he has been blown up by a landmine] cannot defeat me. The perverts, stalkers and virgins all over the world await. Their voices give me strength. Can you hear them? The voices...

[the scene shifts, in succession, to a craftsman surrounded by garage kits of pretty girls, men at an idol meeting, others at a cosplay café, and a crowd at an idol concert]

Voiceover: Please, loincloth-masked man, give us hope! Fresh nylon, soft silk, stuffy cotton! Anything! Even if we can only get one pair of panties, we'll be able to press on for tomorrow! We will face the future with our heads held up high!

Loincloth-Masked Thief: Their laments... Can you bastards even hear them?! I cannot be beaten here! The name of the loincloth-masked man is endangered! I must return to them!

[Gintoki had tried to attack the thief, but stepped on a landmine.]

Kondo: Noooo! [the thief kicks him away.]

Loincloth-Masked Thief: [laughing] He who laughs last, laughs best!

[Otae jumps out from the bushes and charges at the thief with her naginata.]

Otae: Don't you... [stomps on Gintoki's head to jump up high.]

Loincloth-Masked Thief: What?!

Otae: ...MAKE LIGHT OF WOMEN!!! [descends, attacking the thief, who releases the panties and kneels in defeat. Otae catches the panties as they come down.] Someone who is afraid to show his face has no right to possess my panties. If you really want them, you should knock on the front door and ask straight to me. And take it seriously, too.

[the thief raises his hands towards the sky, where the Big Dipper can be seen, in a reference to Raoh's death scene in Fist of the North Star.]

Loincloth-Masked Thief: This is the first time... I let the panties slip. [falls over]

Okita: Actually, Hijikata-san... It was me who sent you those panties.

Hijikata: Say what??

Okita: It was just a prank, silly. [starts running away.]

Hijikata: [giving chase] I don't give a fuck, you twat!!! Hold on! Stop running!

[one of them steps on a landmine, setting off a chain reaction that blows up every other mine around the Shimura house, engulfing it in a fireball.]

Loincloth-Masked Thief: Here is a wonderful gift to you unpopular men watching this anime right now! Send your letters with name, address, age and the reason why you are not popular with ladies, to this address, and wait for my ans-- [Otae punches him away.]

Otae: They don't want that!!!

Episode 19: "Why is sea water so salty? Maybe because you city people use it as bathroom!!"

[before the episode proper]

Gintoki: [voice-over] Teach us...

Class: ...Ginpachi-sensei!

Gintoki: Um, this one's from someone called Kutabare ["go die"] Oonishi. 'It looks like Gin-san is always wearing the same kimono. Does he only have one set of clothes?' Okay, here's your answer. The truth is, he's got four of the same kind of kimono. When one's in the laundry, he wears another. Huh? You want to know why he has four of the same kind? Well look, it gets too boring if the protagonist keeps changing clothes. People like Lupin are always wearing the same coat, right? Anyway, in an anime, it's too tiring to keep changing clothes, so that would be a problem. Now you, Oonishi, go stand in the hall!

Off-screen woman: [to a boy who fell off his bike] Sitting there crying won't make Mama wait for you! C'mon, get up!

Gintoki: I see you're sweating a lot. Did you lose again?

Hasegawa: Uh... No! It's just that it's hot today, huh? But I see you too are sweating... Maybe it's you who's lost.

Gintoki: [hyped, points towards the sun] It's hot!!! It's way too hot today! Hey, sun! Give me a damn break, dumbass!

[the Yorozuya crew and Hasegawa are in front of the Kabuki Station]

Gintoki: Okay then guys, let's do our best!

Kagura and Shinpachi: Yaaay!

Gintoki: [rousing] We're not going just to have fun! We're going to fight! Even if the waves crash upon us, we've got to win! What's up with you? You wanna go for a picnic? We need at least 300 yen to have a snack, and right now we don't have 300 yen! You hear me?

Kagura: Captain! We can buy 400 corn cobs with that!

Hasegawa: Eh? Really? Can you really eat that much?

Shinpachi: Kagura-chan, stop screwing up math!

Otae: Shin-chan, can you not let Gin-san's expression bother me?

Gintoki: Shut up! I didn't come here to be mocked! What are you doing here, by the way?

Otae: Aren't we going to the beach?

Gintoki: Don't make me say it again, you dummy. We're on duty here!

Otae: [still in the same tone] Aren't we going to the beach?

Gintoki: [disheartened] I just told you...

Kagura: What, so we're not going by car? Gin-chan?

Gintoki: And where would we get money for that?

Kagura: Aw, but I've been up all night making this tape! [produces a cassette tape on whose label is written "My Best"]

Gintoki: Just how old are you? You're not a thirty-year-old remembering your first date!

Gintoki: Geez, after you [Otae] looked so high and mighty as if you had a great idea, all you could think about was hitch a ride?

Kagura: I know! I'll make the cars stop with a sexy wink!

Hasegawa: All right! I'll use my beautiful thighs to make them stop! [pulls up his pants]

Shinpachi: You'd better can it, Hasegawa-san. Even if any car stopped, it wouldn't stop to see that.

Otae: I guess we have no choice. [looks at the street and sees a car approaching in the distance] First of all, put your hands behind your heads.

[Shinpachi, Gintoki, Hasegawa and Sadaharu do as she says. The car keeps running]

Now shrink your bellies.

[They do so. The car continues approaching]

Lean forward to emphasize your chest, as if you were in front of a mirror.

[They do so. The car comes closer. Otae's eyes suddenly shine with a murderous spark]

Now get to work, idiots!!! [spins and kicks Shinpachi in the butt, making him fly towards the street and in the car's path. Shinpachi is hit and flies away. She then kicks Gintoki in the car's path with the same results. She proceeds to kick Hasegawa in the car's path, and he too is hit. She then kicks Sadaharu, but his body cushions the car to a halt. Otae then calmly enters the car, whose driver is shocked.]

All right.

Kagura: Using force is a good way to hitch a ride!

[after everyone causes a ruckus which makes the car on which they were riding crash]

Gintoki: Dammit, what an useless car.

Kagura: Damn right. To think it couldn't even play a cassette! Useless! Useless!

Shinpachi: I don't think that was the problem.

Otae: Good God, after all the work I had to get us a ride, you had to go and mess it all up...

Gintoki: She talks as if she had stopped that car all by herself.

[Shinpachi tries to drink water from a barrel hanging on Sadaharu's leash, but the cork is closed with barbed wire]

Shinpachi: Wh-what is this?

Kagura: Oh! I heard that non-boiled water is poison for the body.

[Shinpachi tries to claw at the cork, then despairs and stays kneeling on the ground in defeat, under a monochromatic spotlight]

Shinpachi: W-water, please...

Gintoki: Are you pretending to be a defeated boxer? 'Cause if you are, it's not funny when you do it here. Different from saying that you're feeling hot when it's hot, it's pointless to do that, you know?

Gintoki: [to the beach vendor who offered the reward on the sea monster] So you said that jokingly, while you were drunk? Look, old man, this is about my living. I'm very serious when it comes to that. A man should be responsible, even when joking. A man should keep his promises.

Beach vendor: Wait! Calm down! I'll pay! I've got the money here!

[Kagura picks up some yakisoba from the grill and eats them]

Kagura: Don't lie. If you can't fry your yakisoba properly, then you might not have enough money to pay us. Your life must be pretty messed up, uh? Say it with me: "messed up"! [eats another handful of yakisoba] Yeah, messed up!

Beach vendor: Hey! Who told you to eat my merchandise?

Hasegawa: In a deserted beach, with a monster and three "beach samurai" on it... [sits up] If we can't protect the sea, then who can? When you're feeling down, how do you do to feel better? You can say there's two kinds of things men do to feel better: [takes a smoke from his cigarette. Gintoki and Shinpachi stare, uninterested] One is looking at someone who's feeling worse to make sure he's alright. The other is looking at something much bigger to see his problems are meaningless. I belong to the second kind. [flashback] Whenever I find myself in hard times, I look at the sea to remember how meaningless I am. [another flashback, Hasegawa is pissing from a cliff over the sea as a woman looks on in embarrassment] It was also looking at the sea that I met my wife, Hatsu. Do you understand? The sea is both book and teacher to me. Everybody has a place closer to their hearts. Even if I keep changing jobs, my heart will stay here. Work is just a little something that helps me live through the days. But it's got nothing to do with money. That's what I was born for. Can you guys understand this feeling?

[no response. He turns around and sees everyone else is ignoring him.]

Shinpachi: Is that true, sister?

Otae: Yes, I talked to the city officers, and they said they will reward us if we can get rid of the alien.

Hasegawa: Hey, are you listening to--

Gintoki: Well then, let's just do that.

Hasegawa: Hey, how about my feel--

Gintoki: Okay, let's go.

Beach vendor: [crucified in the middle of the sea] Let me go! My legs are getting soaked here! I'm getting all wrinkled here! Please don't do it!

Gintoki: [bored] The bait isn't working.

Shinpachi: [bored] Maybe it's not even in this sea anymore. [yawns]

Hasegawa: Hey miss, you understand my feelings, don't you?

Otae: [unwrapping her obento] Yes, I do.

Hasegawa: Ah. Thanks, mis-- [Otae offers him the obento, containing unrecognizable piles of ashes]

Otae: If you feel like, pick one for yourself. I made these fried eggs this morning.

Hasegawa: Eh? Uh... Well...

Otae: I'm sure you can't do anything on an empty stomach.

[Hasegawa picks one up and eats it. He turns blue from the taste]

Otae: Don't you want to get the other one?

Hasegawa: Eh... Uh... No thanks, I'm full.

Kagura: [carrying a large boulder] Oh boy, can they swim.

Hasegawa: Hey girl, what are you gonna do? Where'd you get that?

Kagura: [straight-faced] Instead of watching others being happy, I'd much rather destroy them.

Hasegawa: [after he sees the sea monster coming] Hey guys, run away! It's a double punch! Two dangerous things are going your way!

Gintoki: What's he saying?

Shinpachi: "Double pants"? I wonder if he forgot to bring an extra pair of pants? (in Japanese, daburu pantsu - "double panties")

Gintoki: I can't swim fast enough!!! [Shinpachi swims past him] Oi! Hold on, Shinpachi! [grabbing on to the strap of Shinpachi's swimming goggles] How can you swim so well? that's so unlike you! Weren't you supposed to be the guy who falls for everything but traps? Huh?!

Shinpachi: Owowowowowow! My eyes are bulging out! My eyes are bulging out!!!

[Kagura tries throwing the boulder to hit the monster, but ends up hitting Gintoki and Shinpachi in the sea instead.]

Kagura: I missed.

Hasegawa: So that's how it was. Well, maybe it was its love for the sea that influenced it.

Gintoki: Men don't need to speak the same language. They can communicate on a spiritual level.

Hasegawa: Even though it looked ugly, on the inside it wasn't. It just wanted to play, I guess. I'm sure of this: every creature of the sea is good. [stands up and starts leaving] When we live close to the sea, the dirt that covers us all is washed away.

Gintoki: Dirt, eh? Somehow, this still looks pretty dirty. [cut to the newspaper Gintoki is reading. There is a story on it about the sea monster playing with kids]. Hmph. So what? [throws the newspaper away]

[after the end credits and preview]

Gintoki: Maybe I should wear a different kimono someday...

Episode 20: "Watch out for the conveyor belt."

Disembodied voice: Die... Die... Die, Hijikata, with your high legacy...

Hijikata: No way. That's really...

[the disembodied voice keeps telling Hijikata to die. He opens the door and sees it's Okita, with a candle headdress, talking from the outside, as he hides a hammer and nail behind him.]

Hijikata: What are you doing out here so late?

Okita: Uh, jogging.

Hijikata: [as he speaks, we see a portrait of Hijikata nailed to a tree.] Stop lying! If you were really jogging in that outfit, you head would be a fireball by now! A ritual! You must be in the middle of a ritual to kill me!

Okita: Oh, you really jump to conclusions. Watch yourself, or you might become a paranoid psycho.

Hijikata: It's gotta be a joke, the great Shinsengumi scared and confined to bed. It's so embarrassing, I'll hardly show my face in public again. Pitiful.

Kondo: Toushi! It was different for me! It was the mayonnaise that scared me!

Hijikata: That's even worse!

Kondo: You should not talk the spirits down, lest you'd face a string of bad luck, Toushi. For example, this house is haunted. Some ghost must have taken it over.

Hijikata: That's so stupid.

[he remembers the apparition he saw the night before]

Hijikata: Or maybe not.

[Yamazaki has brought in a trio of exorcists - really, the Yorozuya crew in disguise. Kagura is wearing shades and a Chinese hat, Gintoki has his face bandaged and wears a kasa, and Shinpachi has a fake nose and mustache and uses a headwrap]

Hijikata: Who are these guys, a circus troupe?

Kondo: No. We hired them to exorcise the building.

Hijikata: Hey, hey, you gotta be kidding me. These guys look pretty odd...

Kagura: Oh! There's something on your back, sir!

Hijikata: What? What's on my back?

[Kagura and Gintoki whisper to each other]

Gintoki: I agree. Looks like he's beyond saving.

Hijikata: Can I kill them, Commander? Can I?

Okita: What kind of spirit could it be, gorilla?

Kondo: It got him too!

Kagura: Well... Factory supervisor.

[Gintoki punches Kagura]

Gintoki: Yeah, well... It's the spirit of a factory supervisor who died when he was caught on a conveyor belt!

Kondo: Uh... But all our men said they saw a woman.

Shinpachi: He put it wrong. It's the spirit of a woman who committed suicide, and who looked like a factory supervisor who died when he was caught on a conveyor belt!

Hijikata: That's too complicated! Besides, what kind of factory supervisor haunts people?

Yamazaki: Uh, how will you do the exorcism?

Gintoki: By getting rid of you.

Yamazaki: What? Anybody could do that!

[Kagura punches him in the gut, knocking him unconscious.]

Gintoki: Yes! It's in! The spirit's in him now!

Hijikata: The way I see it, it looked more like a body blow than a spirit.

Kagura: [pretending to be the spirit by manipulating Yamazaki's unconscious body] No, you're wrong, I'm in here! Well, everyone, it was entirely my fault that the factory...

Kondo: Heyyy! Isn't that the factory supervisor?!

Kagura: [drops Yamazaki] Ehh, what was it again?

Gintoki: You dummy! It was supposed to be a woman who died on a conveyor belt!

Shinpachi: Why does it have to be a woman who died on a conveyor belt? In a conveyor belt... hmm...

Gintoki: Whatever, we'll just do any woman.

Kagura: No way! It's easy to say "any woman", but it's harder to give her life!

Gintoki: Nobody's gonna care if you're convincing or not!

Kagura: Shut up, mummy-man! Your costume isn't any convincing anyway!

Gintoki: What? It's more mysterious like this!

[they start fighting.]

Shinpachi: Hey, cut that out! We're in the middle of work here, you hear me?

[their disguises fall apart as Kondo, Okita and Hijikata watch.]

[the Yorozuya crew are tied upside down to a tree.]

Shinpachi: We didn't mean no harm. We just wanted a job. Since it's summer, we thought exorcism would be an easier way to make money, so we decided to try our luck in town. Right, Gin-san?

Gintoki: Yeah. You see, I've been able to see ghosts for a long time, so I thought that could be useful. [Okita stands and walks up to him.] Ah! There's an angry old hag standing behind you.

Okita: Really? Then it must be the old hag from the convenience store. She's been mad at me since I tried to claim those popsicle stick prizes, saying that I falsified them. What do I do?

Gintoki: Don't worry. You just need to let us down and throw a pot of water on her, and it'll be alright.

Okita: Yeah, I see. Then I'll dump this down your nose. [pours Coca-Cola into Gintoki's nostrils]

Gintoki: Owowowowowow! What's this?! Seems so familiar! Just like that time I almost drowned in the pool!

Kagura: Gin-chan, I feel like my head's going to explode. Help me.

Gintoki: Oi! This brave girl's head is going to explode! Are you really alright with that? That way, the anime's gonna end!

Okita: [turns to the camera] Coming up next, "The Shinsengumi's Bloody Records". Stay tuned, everyone.

Shinpachi: That means we're done for.

Kondo: Hey, Toushi, shouldn't we let them go? If this goes on, Sougou's probably gonna turn into a sadist.

Hijikata: What are you talking about? He's the Prince of the Sadistic Planet.

Hijikata: We could cut you up, but we have no time for that right now. Buzz off.

Gintoki: Oh? I think you don't wanna hurt us because you're afraid of ghosts, right?

Kagura: Poor fella, you want me to walk you to the bathroom?

Kondo: Are you mocking the samurai?? [to Kagura] Please, walk me to the bathroom!

Hijikata: You're actually asking them??

Kondo: Actually, I'm so afraid of going to the bathroom I was holding it in.

Hijikata: [talking about the victimized Shinsengumi soldiers] If we had a solid opponent, we'd have no problem facing him. But when it comes to things like these, we get perplexed.

Gintoki: Eh? What? So you do believe in ghosts? [holds his arm in mocking pain] Owowowowow, Mommy! Someone went and broke his head here!

Hijikata: [angry] One of these days, I'm gonna cut you to bits.

Okita: Hijikata-san, you saw her too? The woman in the red kimono?

Hijikata: I don't know, but there's something weird going on here. And that thing's definitely not human.

Gintoki and Okita: [mocking Hijikata] Owowowowow, Daddy! [only Okita] Please bring him a bandage. The bigger the better, to cover it all up!

Hijikata: Were you guys rehearsing that?

[everyone hears Kondo scream upon seeing the woman in the red kimono.]

Kagura: Gorilla, what's wrong? Did you get your skin snagged in the zipper?

Gintoki: Kagura, what's wrong?

Kagura: He got his skin snagged in the zipper.

Hijikata: Out of the way!

[he kicks the bathroom stall door open. Inside, Kondo is upside down, with his head stuck into the toilet.]

Gintoki: How did that happen?

[Kondo is hallucinating about the woman in the red kimono]

Gintoki: I know. It must be a vision of some woman he made cry.

Hijikata: Kondo-san never made a woman cry.

Gintoki: Then I see. It must've been a woman you made cry who's coming back with a revenge.

Hijikata: I don't recall having dated such an useless woman.

Shinpachi: Could it really be a ghost?

Gintoki: Huh? I refuse to believe in things without scientific basis, like ghosts. Though I do believe in the Continent of Mu.

Okita: Oh, the woman in the red kimono.

[Gintoki bursts through a hole in a closet and curls up in fright. Shinpachi and Kagura stare blankly.]

Shinpachi: What are you doing, Gin-san?

Gintoki: Uh, well... I thought I saw the portal to the Continent of Mu.

Okita: Hijikata-san, that guy is... Huh?

[Hijikata is trying to climb into a pot.]

Okita: Hijikata-san, what are you doing?

Hijikata: Nothing. Just looking for an entrance to the Mayonnaise Kingdom.

[everyone stares blankly, then leaves.]

Gintoki: Wait, wait, wait! That's wrong! He may be afraid of ghosts, but I'm not!

Hijikata: You're the one who's scared! You probably wanna run home to mommy!

Kagura: Yeah, yeah, we get it. Doesn't matter if it's in the Continent of Mu or in the Mayonnaise Kingdom, just go and look for them.

[Okita, Kagura and Shinpachi run away in fright.]

Gintoki: Seriously, they should stop fooling around.

Hijikata: Those damn brats. [together with Gintoki, as they slowly turn around.] We won't get fooled that easily...

[when they turn, they are facing the woman in the red kimono, who is upside down in the closet.]

Gintoki and Hijikata: G... good evening...

[as the woman in the red kimono pursues them.]

Hijikata: Hey, why are we running?

Gintoki: Oi, wait a second! Doesn't it seem like your back's getting heavier?

Hijikata: I don't care! I don't care anymore!

Gintoki: Just check it! I'm feeling something heavy!

Hijikata: Shut up! Why don't you go and check it?

Gintoki: You, you gotta help me look! It ain't gonna kill you!

Hijikata: Hold on! How 'bout this? I'll give a sign, and we turn at the same time!

Gintoki: You'd better look too! No treason! You'd better look! [together with Hijikata] One, two... [they skid to a stop and turn around. The woman in the red kimono is still behind them.] G... good evening...

Shinpachi: We're through. This time for sure we're through.

Okita: Great. That way, I can become Vice-Commander.

Shinpachi: How can you say that?!

[outside the mosquitoes are buzzing loudly.]

Gintoki and Hijikata: [the former emerges from inside a bush, the latter from the pond in the garden.] Cut that damned buzzing!!! [they then notice each other]

Gintoki: Are you bastard still alive?

Hijikata: You're a flexible cockroach.

[a rustle in a bush scares Gintoki into jumping in the pond where Hijikata is. A frog comes out of it as they poke their heads out of the water.]

Gintoki: Well, now that we're in the water, we should think of a counterattack.

Hijikata: Don't get cocky. I can hear the shiver in your voice. Let me handle this. A chicken like you should crawl back home and rest.

Gintoki: I think you're the coward! I'm sure you just jumped into the pond 'cause your pants were wet!

[a mosquito buzzes by as they argue.]

Hijikata: Why you... You want me to feed you to the ghosts? [the buzz's sound gets louder] I haven't settled the score with you yet! And I see you'll have to compensate me with interest!

Gintoki: Eh? Did I borrow anything from you? [Hijikata getts angrier as the buzzing gets louder] Doesn't matter, I'll give it to you. Besides, I've already bought a new game machine-- [turns to the source of the buzz, together with Hijikata] SHUT UP ALREADY!!! [they see it is the woman in the red kimono, who is flying with mosquito wings, and get scared]

[the woman in the red kimono attacks Gintoki and Hijikata from the air.]

Hijikata: H-h-h-hey! It-it-it's got wings! It's-it's flying!

Gintoki: Wh-wh-wh-wh-what's with y-y-y-you? D-d-don't tell me y-y-you're s-s-s-scared of th-th-that!

Hijikata: Do-do-do-don't be stupid! Who-who-who do you think I-I-I-I-I am, you i-i-idiot?

Gintoki: O-okay then. Th-then, you can fight her, while I'll... go do that thing... [starts to leave, but Hijikata stops him.]

Hijikata: Where are you going? What's "that thing"? You're running away?! Trying to fool me! Asshole!

Gintoki: Why'd I do that? I'll just go look for a bazooka to hit her with!

Hijikata: And where would you get a bazooka?

Gintoki: Everybody has a bazooka in their hearts!

[after defeating the woman in the red kimono.]

Hijikata: Running away from a battle is a desrespect for bushido. You'd better start again and relearn how to be a samurai. [Gintoki raises the woman in the red kimono over his head and throws her at Hijikata.] What the hell do you think you're doing, bastard?!

Gintoki: [spits] You're still a hundred years behind to give me lessons about how to be a samurai.

[after the woman in the red kimono is revealed to be a mosquito hybrid alien.]

Gintoki: Aw, geez. I don't care if it's a ghost or a mosquito, she sure caused a lot of trouble.

Hijikata: It was you who caused me trouble. I said I wouldn't pay for it, so get the hell out.

Gintoki: Hey, did you forget it was my move that finished all of this?

Hijikata: What are you talking about? It was my move before yours that clinched it. Even if you weren't around, I'd be fine.

Gintoki: Pretty tough talk coming from someone who was afraid of death. It would be quite a joke if the one they call the "Vice-Commander from Hell" was afraid of ghosts.

Hijikata: I wasn't scared, just ghost-hunting. Don't get me wrong. You, on the other hand, got scared to near death.

Gintoki: I was just pulling your leg. Actually, I have fun with that sort of thing. If I'm ever bored, how 'bout we have fun again?

[Kagura opens the door behind them.]

Kagura: Gin-chan, it's time to go... Huh? [the deck where Gintoki and Hijikata were sitting is empty now. She looks down and sees they are both hiding beneath the deck.] What are you guys doing?

Gintoki and Hijikata: Nothing. I just lost my contacts.

Episode 21: "If you're a man, start with a swordfish!"/"If you sleep with your fan on, you'll have constipations, so watch out."

[the Yorozuya crew are fishing. Shinpachi catches a weird fish.]

Shinpachi: I knew that, since the Amanato came to Earth, lots of freaky creatures appeared.

Gintoki: It's okay, put it in the bucket.

Shinpachi: What? You're gonna eat this?!

Gintoki: Of course I will. Be it anko or natto, it doesn't matter if it looks bad when it tastes good.

Shinpachi: Gin-san, wasn't that a kappa just now?

Gintoki: Hmph. No way it could be. It was just some bald old man living in a lake.

Shinpachi: It wasn't just some bald old man! Wasn't that thing green, by the way?

Gintoki: That... is a side effect of alcohol.

Shinpachi: If alcohol has that kind of stuff in it, then no one should drink sake!!!

Shinpachi: Excuse me, Ebina-san [the kappa-like alien in the lake]. If I give you my glasses, will you forgive me?

[Ebina puts some mush on Shinpachi's hand.]

Ebina: Congratulations for your apologies. Here's some cookies as your reward.

Shinpachi: I'm thankful, but... What should I do with this?

[a golf club had hit the plate on Ebina's head.]

Gintoki: The plate's broken! Even though I don't know why it's tragic!

Landplot owner: You see, that's why I told you to leave this place. This isn't your home, it's my property. As you can see, I bought this whole region.

Ebina: Shut up! I was living here even before you were in your dad's balls! Why do I have to leave? I mean, don't look over here, it's embarrassing. Put your camera away, seriously.

Shinpachi: Since that plate broke, he's gotten a bit shy... Does that plate have any meaning anyway?

[Ebina is telling his story to the Yorozuya crew.]

Ebina: It was tough... Humans feel their existence when they're surrounded by other people. If I hadn't found a place to live, I'd surely be dead by now. That's until I found her...

[Flashback: Ebina comes out of the lake and sees a pink-haired girl sitting alone by the lake.]

Ebina: She was always sitting there, doing nothing, just staring at the lake the whole time. I first stayed in hiding, but then I noticed I was just being foolish. [in the flashback] Hey you, what are you doing there? [narrating] The girl seemed a bit surprised when she saw me, but...

Girl: It's boring to stay alone at home, so I thought it would be better if I came here, even by myself. We're both like that, right?

[flashback.]

Girl: You're a lucky man, mister.

Ebina: Why?

Girl: Because you live free in that beautiful lake. I've been ill since childhood, so I could never get into the lake. I wish I could swim freely in there at least once... In that transparent world...

Ebina: You body... Can't you heal it?

Girl: It's impossible. It'll always be like this.

Ebina: Idiot. Don't lose confidence on yourself. I'll protect you until your body's fixed, then everything will be alright. So, get well soon.

Girl: I see. It's a promise, mister.

Kagura: [dressed as a kappa, she is stopping a bulldozer] I am the kappa, Saburo! Give me some cucumbers, mister!

Construction worker: What the hell is that Nojima guy doing? Hey, what's wrong? Did you hurt your balls or something?

[a noise comes from behind him. He sees Shinpachi, also in a kappa costume, holding a stick above his head.]

Shinpachi: Jiro, the kappa, appears!!!

[the worker yells in terror.]

Landplot owner: What's with all the screaming there? Did you guys hurt your balls or something?

[Gintoki, also in a kappa outfit, is holding the landplot owner in submission, grabbing his groin with one of his hands.]

Landplot owner: Wh-who the hell are...?

Gintoki: The eldest of three kappa brothers caught by Ezu in Lake Toya, Taro Kappa! Leave the property immediately, or we kappa will haunt... [squeezes the owner's crotch harder]

Landplot owner: P-p-please forgive me! What does a kappa like? Cucumbers? Tell me what you want! I don't have any hair, but I have money!

Gintoki: Something I like?... Okay. [squeezes even harder, making the owner pass out.] Sweet things and crazy people.

Gintoki: [spotting a yellow Earth fish.] Huh? So there's such a pretty fish living in this lake. [chuckles] Looks like it's having fun swimming.

Shinpachi: Gin-san, shouldn't we buy an air conditioner? It's too hot for just one fan.

Gintoki: Don't say such stupid things. Where the hell would you find one? If you have the time to think of air conditioning, why don't you go and do some mind conditioning?

Gintoki: If you think about it, South Pole may become like North Pole if you adapt your mind.

Shinpachi: Gin-san, the fact that it's the "South" Pole doesn't mean it's always summer there.

Gintoki: I know that, okay? South Pole may not be a paradise! What I mean is that they say you'll feel cold as long as you think it's cold! ...That really doesn't work.

Shinpachi: That's embarrassing. I think you're contradicting yourself to cover up your mistake. Ridiculous.

Gintoki: [taking the electric fan from Kagura] Besides, you try stepping out in a day like this! [Kagura takes it back] We'll pass out before we have a chance to buy an air conditioner! [they start fighting for the fan] We're better off staying home and slacking off!

Gintoki: Man, this is useless! It's way too hot, too hot! And why should I be the only one who has to buy a fan in this heat? Maybe I really should go and get an air conditioner. Hey old man, what do you think? Should I really buy an air conditioner?

Van passenger: Uh? Well... It's fine, ain't it?

Gintoki: No, it ain't fine!!! Where would I get the money for an air conditioner? Stop saying such needless stuff!

Gintoki: I mean, what's the point on buying a machine to refresh yourself if you have to sweat in order to buy it? Isn't it like using hidden money to dig for hidden money? Like drinking before you get a drink?

Electronics store owner: Say, don't you want one? If you switch to air conditioner, I can make it cheaper.

Gintoki: Really? Well, please. Uh... [pulls out a 1000 yen bill from his wallet.] Is this enough money?

Electronics store owner: Come and see it, everyone!

Gintoki: Uh? Sir? This is strange, you're not looking at me anymore! SIR?!

Video store attendant: What? You still use a fan? You're poor, aren't you? You have to be poor. You just gotta be poor!

Gintoki: Ahh, this sucks! Even the blue sky sucks, and it's so blue!! Why do I have to go through all of this to buy a fan? Hey old man, is it okay if I just go home? Can I just go home?

Truck passenger: Eh? Isn't it okay if you go home?

Gintoki: No, it's not okay!!! You've got no idea of the situation! You don't know jack about this, so mind your own business!!! [the man in the truck starts crying]

[in the recycling shop]

Woman: Oh? A samurai customer is a rare sight these days. Welcome.

Gintoki: Senpuki (electric fan). You got a senpuki, don't you? Gimme one!

Woman: Senpuki (war machine)... That sounds quite nostalgic. You! Where did you hear that name?

Gintoki: Just get me one, pronto.

Woman: Can't you wait? You're the first to come over here from so far. Just tell me your name.

Gintoki: What, for the receipt? Just put it to Ue-sama (something like "chief").

Woman: Ue-sama?... That's a magnificent name. [pulls out a pistol] Well, say goodbye, Ue-sama!!! [fires, hitting a vase behind Gintoki]

Gintoki: Wh-wh-wh-what-what the hell are you doing?! Manager!!! Manager, come here!!!

Episode 28: ""Even though good things don't happen consecutively, bad things do."

Matsudaira: Get up you Gorilla dumbass! If you don't stand up in 3 seconds, I'll blow your brains out!

Matsudaira: Say... one! [fires gun at Kondo]

Kondo: What happened to two and three?!

Matsudaira: I don't need those numbers. Number "one" is all a man needs to live.

Episode 32: "Life flows like a conveyor belt."

[At a factory producing Justaways, Yamazaki is told Gintoki has amnesia]

Gintoki: That is the case, so excuse me. You seem to be someone I used to know, but I don't remember. Uh, Shinsengumi's... what was it? Should I call you Shin-chan maybe?

Yamazaki: [hits Gintoki on the head] Hey! I said it was a secret operation, didn't I?! Ah, I said it! [drags Gintoki off to the side]

Gintoki: What is it, you? Bang bang banging on people's heads like that. Are you hoping to become a tambourine player? If you don't like Shin-chan, then how about Sen-chan from secret operation?

Yamazaki: Are you harassing me? Am I not telling you that it's Yamazaki?

Gintoki: Oh, I don't remember, so I will go with Tanbara.

Yamazaki: It's not that you don't remember, it's that you don't want to remember, isn't it!!

Yamazaki: Master, I'm withdrawing from here now. It looks like our commander has gone missing.

Gintoki: Jimmy, are you going to lose heart that quickly? Nobody can do that well at first. You can do anything you put your mind into!

Yamazaki: Who the heck is Jimmy?! Is it possible that you're getting that from "jimi" (plain)? Besides, I only came here as a spy!

[Yamazaki warns Gintoki that the factory boss, Mamushi, is suspected of illegally producing weapons for the Joui.]

Gintoki: The boss is an ero list? Stop making false accusations! The boss is the one who took me in, he saved me!

Yamazaki: I don't really understand what you're saying... "Ero"? "List"?

Kondo: Sakata-san. We're gonna start working again.

Yamazaki: Ah, oops. Well then, time for me to... [turns to leave]

Kondo: Sakata-san, will you take a look at my Justaway?

Yamazaki: [turns back and sees Kondo and Gintoki]

Kondo: So what do you think of it?

Gintoki: Hm... maybe you could raise this part just a little bit, Gori-san.

Yamazaki: [Gives Kondo a punch] What the hell are you saying?!

Gintoki: Gori-san!

Yamazaki: [on the phone] Hello? I have found the idiot. Yes, I'll bring him back right away.

Gintoki: Gori-san, wake up! Jimmy, what was that for? Gori-san, you know, is the same as me, he lost his memory. If you don't treat his head gently he'll lose consciousness right away! He's as delicate as a Nintendo!

Yamazaki: [crushes his phone in shock] Amnesia?! Are you serious, Commander?! Even though you're an idiot, what sort of crazy situation have you gotten yourself into?! Even though you're an idiot!

Gintoki: That's too much, Jimmy! Idiots in their idiotic way have their own idiotic worries!

Yamazaki: Enough! This is pathetic, this is a pain in the ass, you guys! Anyway, we'll go back together, Commander!

Kondo: [with tears in his eyes] Stop it! I've decided to become the number one Justaway craftsman in Edo! It doesn't matter what happens, I'll become number one, I promised the boss I would!

Yamazaki: In that case, don't worry, you're the world's number one idiot. Now come on!

Kondo: I don't wanna, I don't wanna!

[A Justaway flies into the air by accident and explodes upon landing]

Kondo: The Justaways are not at fault! The one at fault is the boss, the Justaways haven't done anything wrong!

[Gintoki throws a huge barrel onto an advancing Mamushi, and Kondo throws a Justaway onto it to detonate it]

Yamazaki: Hey! Didn't you guys say you weren't gonna fight him?! You went all out just now, didn't you!

Gintoki: Did we say something like that, Gori-san?

Kondo: It's no good, I can't remember. I have amnesia so...

Yamazaki: That's some convenient amnesia there, oi!

[A piece of flying debris from the explosion hits Hijikata on the head and he starts bleeding]

Okita: [to the crowd] It's dangerous, so please stand back. You'll end up like this person. He puts on a poker face, but it really really hurts. It's embarassing.

Hijikata: This has really turned into something, hasn't it?

Okita: Your face is really turning into something too, Hijikata-san.

Hijikata: Didn't Yamazaki already die by now?

Okita: Aren't you going to die, too?

Shinsengumi member: Vice-captain!

Hijikata: Huh?

Shinsengumi member: Some information was just reported. It seems both Yamazaki and the Commander are inside.

Hijikata: What are you saying? Oi, oi, I thought that if it was only Yamazaki inside, I could leave him, but if Kondo-san's there too, we can't do that.

Okita: Hijikata-san. I forgot my flute at the headquarters, so I'm gonna go back and get it real quick.

Hijikata: Right, be sure not to come back again. Damn, I'm sick of you guys, it's enough! I'll go alone, so wait there, you bastards.

Shinsengumi member: Hey! Look at that! Something has come out!

Shinsengumi member: What's that?!

Shinsengumi member: It's a cannon! A big ass cannon has come out!

Shinsengumi member: I-Is that the secret weapon they were working on?!

Hijikata: Sougo, I forgot the protractor at the headquarters, so I'm gonna go back and get it real quick.

Okita: Hijikata-san, it's ok. If you want a protractor, I have one right here.

Episode 86: "It is common to lose sleep from being too engrossed by counting sheep."

[At a soba restaurant, Mitsuba fills her bowl of soba with red pepper]

Kondo: Ah, wait, Mitsuba-dono! You shouldn't put so much red pepper! How many times do I have to tell you that it's bad for you?!

Mitsuba: But it tastes so much better!

Kondo: That's not the point! It's definitely bad for your health! It's completely red! Really, there's something wrong with the younger generation's sense of taste. Don't you agree, Toushi?

[Hijikata fills his bowl of soba with mayonnaise.]

Kondo: TOUSHI!! What are you doing?! What's that?! What are you eating?!

Hijikata: This is a flavor IT revolution.

Kondo: What are you saying?! What's that?! Who are you mimicking?!

Kondo: Hey, wait! Mitsuba-dono, don't eat that!

Mitsuba: I want to bring down public health insurance with what I eat!

Kondo: Eh? I don't get it! What is that anyway?!

Hijikata: Inside your mouth, it's rat-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta, wonderful.

Kondo: Now who is it?! Hiroko? Masami?! Either way, it's disgusting!

Mitsuba: [giggles]

External links

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