Hercules (1997 film)

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Hercules is a 1997 film about the adventures of Hercules, the son of Zeus in Greek mythology.

Directed by Ron Clements and John Musker. Written by Ron Clements, Barry Johnson, Don McEnery, Irene Mecchi, John Musker and Bob Shaw.
A Comedy of Olympian Proportions

Contents

[edit] Hercules

  • "Wow. What a day. First that restaurant by the bay... And then that, that play, that, that, that Oedipus thing?! Man! I thought I had problems!"
  • [to Zeus] "But, Father, I've defeated every single monster I've come up against. I-I'm... I'm the most famous person in all of Greece. I'm... [produces a Hercules action figure] I-I'm an action figure!"[action figure squeaks]
  • "A true hero. Great! Uh, exactly how do you become a true hero?"

[edit] The Narrator and the Muses

  • [First lines]
Narrator: Long ago, in the far away land of ancient Greece, there was a golden age of powerful gods and extraordinary heroes. And the greatest and strongest of all these heroes... was the mighty Hercules. But what is the measure of a true hero? Now that is where our story--
Thalia: Would you listen to him? He's making the story sound like some Greek tragedy!
Terpsichore: Lighten up, dude!
Calliope: We'll take it from here, darling.
Narrator: You go, girl.
  • [the Gospel Truth II: Hades in the Underworld]
Calliope: If there is one god who don't want to get steamed up, it's Hades.
Terpsichore: 'Cause he had an evil plan.
Thalia: [singing] He ran the underworld,
But thought the dead were dull and uncouth
He was as mean as he was ruthless
And that's the gospel truth
He had a plan to shake things up
And that's the gospel truth!
  • [the Gospel Truth III: the point where baby Hercules was kidnapped]
Melpomene: [singing] Young Herc was mortal now
But since he did not drink the last drop,
He still retained his godlike strength,
So thank his lucky star
But Zeus and Hera wept
Because their son could never come home,
They'd have to watch their precious baby
Grow up from afar
Though, Hades' horrid plan
Was hatched before Herc cut his first tooth
The boy grew stronger ev'ry day
And that's the gospel truth
  • [singing about Hercules' fame and success]
Thalia: And they slapped his face on ev'ry vase
Clio: [hits Thalia on the head] On ev'ry "vah-se!"

[edit] Megara

  • Well, you know how men are. They think 'No' means 'Yes' and 'Get lost' means 'Take me, I'm yours.'
  • "Thanks for everything, Herc. It's been a real slice."
  • [reapeated lines; while Hercules stutters for an answer] "Are you always this articulate?"
  • "I'm a big tough girl. I tie my own sandals and everything."
  • "Bye-bye, Wonderboy."

[edit] Hades

  • "How sentimental. You know, I haven't been this choked up since I got a hunk of moussaka caught in my throat! Huh?! [No one replies.] So, is this an audience or a mosaic?"
  • [Pegasus blows out Hades' "hair] "Whoa, is my hair out?"
  • "Well, well. It's a small underworld, after all, huh?"
  • "Zeusy, I'm home!"
  • "Ay, verse. Oi.
  • "Memo to me, memo to me: maim you after my meeting."
  • "He's gotta have a weakness, because everybody's got a weakness. I mean, for what? Pandora, it was the box thing. For the Trojans, hey. They bet on the wrong horse, okay?"
  • Meg, Meg Meg! My sweet, deluded little minion. Aren't we forgetting one teensy-weensy-but-ever-so-crucial-bit-of-a-tiny-detail? I OWN YOU!!
  • [Hercules has just given up his godly strength] "You may feel just a little queasy, it's kind of natural. Maybe you should sit DOWN!! [Pins one of Hercules's weights on him. Being fully mortal now, he cannot lift it.] Now you know how it feels to be just like everyone else. Isn't it just peachy?"
  • [Considering Hercules' offer to exchange him for Meg] Hm. The son of my hated rival trapped forever in a river of death. [Hercules: "Going once!"] Is there a downside to this?
  • "We dance, we kiss, we schmooze, we carry on, go home happy, what'd'ya say. Come on."

[edit] Philocetes

  • "Two words: I. Am. Retired!" [Hercules finger-counts in confusion]
  • "I trained all those would-be heroes. Odysseus, Perseus, Theseus. A lot of "yusses". And every single one of those bums let me down flatter than a discus. None of them could go the distance. (Looking at a statue of a soldier in armour) And then there was Achilles. Now there was a guy who had it all; the build, the foot-speed. He could jab! He could take a hit! He could keep on comin'! [pause] BUT THAT FORSLUGGINER HEEL OF HIS! He barely gets nicked there once (flicks the statue´s heel; it shatters into tiny fragments) and kaboom! He's history. Yeah, I had a dream. I dreamed I would train the greatest hero there ever was. So great the gods would hang a picture of him in the stars for everyone to see. And everyone would say, "That's Phil's boy." That's right... Ah, but dreams are for rookies, kid. A guy can only take so much disappointment."
  • "One town, a million troubles. The one and only Thebes. The Big Olive itself. If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere."
  • "Keep your toga on, pal."
  • "Rein it in, rookie. You can get away with mistakes like those in the minor decathalons, but this is the big leagues!"
  • "Nymphs, they can't keep their hands off me."
  • [As Hercules fights the Hydra, whose heads multiply as they are cut off] "WILL YOU FORGET THE HEAD-SLICING THING?!?!"

[edit] Hermes

  • "Fabulous party. Y'know, I haven't seen this much love in a room since Narcissus discovered himself."
  • "Uh, Hephaestus has been captured, my lord. Everyone's been captured. (Pain and Panic grab him) Ah! I've been captured! Hey, watch the glasses."

[edit] Pegasus

  • Neighhhhhh!

[edit] Other

Atropos (Third Fate): "Indoor plumbing. It's gonna be big."
Calliope: "From that day forward, our boy Hercules could do no wrong. He was so hot, steam looked cool."
Charred Thebian: "All we need now is a plague of locusts."
Boy: "Nice goin', Jerk-ules."
Boy (Pain): "Someone call IX-I-I!!!" [Note: Roman numerals for "9-1-1"]
Zeus: "I NEED MORE THUNDERBOLTS!"
Old man: "THAT'S IT! I'm movin' to Sparta!"

[edit] Dialogue

The Fates: In 18 years precisely / The planets will align ever so nicely.
Hades: Ay, verse. Oy.
The Fates: The time to act will be at hand / Unleash the Titans, your monstrous band.
Hades: Mmm-hmm. Good, good.
The Fates: Then the once-proud Zeus will finally fall / And you, Hades, will rule all!
Hades: [punches air] Yes! Hades rules!
The Fates: A word of caution to this tale...
Hades: [stops short] Excuse me?
The Fates: Should Hercules fight, you will fail.
[The Fates laugh, then disappear]
Hades: [his head goes fiery red with rage] WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?! [calms himself] Okay, fine, fine. I'm cool. I'm fine.
Panic: Hades is gonna kill us when he finds out what happened.
Pain: You mean, if he finds out!
Panic: Of course he's gonna-- If... if is good.
Boy: Sorry, Herc, but we've already got five, and we want to keep it an even number!
Hercules: Hey, five isn't an even-
[Hercules goes to stop Nessus the centaur from manhandling Meg]
Nessus: [looms over him] Step aside, two-legs.
Hercules: [awkwardly] Pardon me, my good, uh... sir, but I suggest you release that young...
Meg: Keep moving, junior.
Hercules: ...lady. But... aren't you... a damsel in distress?
Meg: [struggling in Nessus' grip] I'm a damsel... Ugh! I'm in distress. I can handle this. Have a nice day.
Hercules: Um, are you all right, Miss- (gets slapped in the face with Meg's hair)
Meg: Megara. My friends call me 'Meg' - at least they would if I had any friends. So, do you have a name along with all those rippling pectorals?
Hercules: Uh... I... uh... I...
Meg: Are you always this articulate?
Hercules: Hercules! [clears throat] My name is Hercules.
Meg: Hercules, huh? I think I prefer 'Wonder Boy'.
Meg: "Look, it wasn't my fault, it was this wonder-boy Hercules!"
[Hades freezes in shock; Pain and Panic look nervous]
Panic: "Hercules... why does that name ring a bell?"
Pain: "I don't know-- maybe we owe him money?"
Hades: "What... was that name... again?"
Meg: "Hercules. (Hades turns red with fury, Meg continues without noticing)
He comes on with this big 'innocent farmboy' routine, but I could see through that in a Peloponnesian minute."
Pain: "Wait a minute. Wasn't Hercules the name of that kid we were supposed to-?"
(They both spot Hades reaching for them)
Both: "OH, MY GODS!!"
Pain: "Run for it!"
Hades: (grabbing them) "So you 'took care of him', huh?! 'Dead as a doornail'. Weren't those your EXACT words?!"
Pain: "This might be a different Hercules!"
Panic: "Yeah, I mean Hercules is a... [Hades chokes him] very popular name nowadays!"
Pain: "Remember like a few years ago - every other boy was named Jason and the girls were all named Britney?!"
Hades: "I'm about to re-arrange the cosmos... and the one schlemiel... who can louse it up... is WALTZING AROUND IN THE WOODS!!!" [literally explodes with rage]
Hades: I can't believe this guy. I throw everything I've got at him and it doesn't even-- [he notices Pain wearing Air-Herc sandals] What... are... those?
Pain: Uh, I don't know. I though they looked kinda dashing!
Hades: I've got 24 hours to get rid of this bozo... or the entire scheme I've been setting up for 18 years... goes up in smoke...
[anger rising] and you... are wearing... HIS MERCHANDISE?!?!?!
[Hades almost explodes in front of Pain, but stops to see Panic sipping a Hercules trademark cup]
Panic: [chuckles nervously] Thirsty?
[Hades screams with rage and causes a big explosion far away and the whole stadium rumbles]
Hercules: "It seems to me that what you folks need is - a hero!"
[None of the Thebians look impressed]
Large Thebian Man: "Yeah. And who are you?"
Hercules: "I happen to be... a hero!"
Hercules: "How am I supposed to be a hero if nobody will give me a chance?"
Phil: "You'll get your chance! You just need some kind of catastrophe or disaster!"
Meg: "Help! Help, somebody!"
Hercules: (brightening) "Meg?"
Phil: "Speaking of disasters...

[After Hades is thrown into the descending spiral of souls by Hercules]

Panic: He's not gonna be happy when he gets outta there!
Pain: You mean, if he gets outta there!
Panic: If... if is good.

[edit] Cast

[edit] External links

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