The Simpsons/Season 4

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The Simpsons Season 4

Kamp Krusty[edit]

Homer: Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.
Announcer: Seventeen.
Homer: D'oh!
Announcer: Thirty-two.
Homer: D'oh!
Announcer: Five.
Homer: D'oh!
Announcer: Eight.
Homer: Whoo-hoo!
Announcer: Forty-seven.
Homer: D'oh!

Lisa: You're serving us gruel?
Dolph: Not quite. [pulls out a large drum of gruel with Krusty's face on the front] This is Krusty-Brand Imitation Gruel. Nine out of ten orphans can't tell the difference.

Bart: Krusty, this place was awful. They fed us gruel, they had us make wallets for export, and one of the campers was eaten by a bear.
Krusty the Clown: [despairingly] OH MY GOD!
Bart: No, wait. Actually, the bear just ate his hat.
Krusty the Clown: Was it a nice hat?
Bart: Oh yeah.
Krusty the Clown: [despairingly] OH MY GOD!

A Streetcar Named Marge[edit]

Llewelyn Sinclair: Hello! I am Llewelyn Sinclair! I have directed three plays in my career, and I have had three heart attacks! That's how much I care, I am planning for a fourth.
Marge: [aside] Hmm, maybe I should have taken a nice calligraphy class.
Chief Wiggum: Oh, forget it, that Mr. Takahashi's a lunatic.
Sinclair: Quiet!
Wiggum: Sorry.

Llewelyn Sinclair: I'm not an easy man to work for. While directing Hats Off to Chanukkah, I reduced more than one cast member to tears. Did I expect too much from fourth-graders? The review "Play enjoyed by all"... [holds up an elementary school newspaper with said headline] speaks for itself.

Homer the Heretic[edit]

[God appears in Homer's dream, ripping the roof off his house.]
Homer: God ...?
God: [points finger at Homer] Thou hast forsaken my church!
Homer: Well, kind of, but –
God: But what?
Homer: I'm not a bad guy. I work hard and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to hell?
God: Hmm, you have a good point there. Sometimes, even I would rather be watching football. Does St. Louis still have a team?
Homer: No, they moved to Phoenix.
God: Oh, yeah.
Homer: You know what I really hate about church? Those boring sermons.
God: I couldn't agree more, that Reverend Lovejoy really displeases me. I think I'll give him a canker sore.
Homer: Give him one for me.
God: I will.
Homer: So I figure I should just try to live right and worship you in my own way.
God: Homer, it's a deal. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to appear in a tortilla in Mexico.

[After Homer's friends save him from his burning house.]
Homer: The Lord is vengeful! [falls to his knees] O Spiteful One! Show me who to smite, and they shall be smoten!
Ned: Homer, God didn't set your house on fire.
Reverend Lovejoy: No, but He was working in the hearts of your friends and neighbors when they came to your aid, be they [points to Ned] Christian, [Krusty] Jew, or [Apu] ... miscellaneous.
Apu: Hindu! There are 700 million of us.
Reverend Lovejoy: Aw, that's super.
Homer: I was rude to every one of you. And you saved my life when you could've just left me to fry like the proverbial pancake that I am.
Marge: Aw, Homer! I'm so glad to hear you say that.

Lisa the Beauty Queen[edit]

Lisa: [despondent] I'm an ugmo!
Homer: Now, that's not true! You're as cute as a bug's ear.
Lisa: Fathers have to say that stuff. [Grampa walks by]
Homer: Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear?
Grampa: No, you're homely as a mule's butt! [walks off]
Homer: There, see?

Kent Brockman: But it does seem the father of the deposed beauty queen, Homer Simpson, filled out the pageant application incorrectly. In the area under "Do not write in this space," he wrote "Okay."
[Homer and Lisa watch at home.]
Homer: If it wasn't for me, you'd still be queen. You must hate me.
Lisa: Dad, do you remember why you entered me in that pageant?
Homer: I dunno. Was I drunk?
Lisa: Possibly. But the point is, you wanted me to feel better about myself. And I do.
Homer: Really?
Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: Will you remember this the next time I wreck your life?
Lisa: It's a deal.

Treehouse of Horror III[edit]

Homer: Do you sell toys?
Shopkeeper: We sell forbidden objects from places men dare to tread. We also sell frozen yogurt which I call frogurt.
Homer: Well, I need something for my son's birthday.
Shopkeeper: Ah, perhaps this will please the gentleman. [picks a Krusty the Clown doll] Take this object, but beware it carries a terrible curse.
Homer: [worried] Ooooh, that's bad.
Shopkeeper: But it comes with a free frogurt.
Homer: [relieved] That's good.
Shopkeeper: The frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: [worried] That's bad.
Shopkeeper: But you get your choice of topping.
Homer: [relieved] That's good.
Shopkeeper: The toppings contain potassium benzoate.
Homer: [stares]
Shopkeeper: That's bad.
Homer: Can I go now?

Homer: [after seeing Barney Gumble gnawing on an arm] Barney! Not you too!
Barney: I'm not a zombie. But hey, when in Rome... [sees George Washington's zombie] Wow! George Washington!
Homer: Take that, Washington! [Shoots him, then sees Einstein's zombie, and shoots it too.] Eat lead, Einstein! [Sees Shakespeare's zombie] Show's over, Shakesphere! [hits him with the stomach with the edge of his gun]
Shakesphere: Is this the end of zombie Shakespeare? [dies]

Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie[edit]

Marge: Now, be good for Grampa while we're at the parent-teacher meeting. We'll bring back dinner.
Lisa: What are we gonna have?
Homer: Well that depends on what your teachers say. If both of you have been good, pizza. If you've been bad, um... let's see, poison.
Lisa: What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad?
Bart: Poison pizza.
Homer: Oh no, I'm not making two stops.

Homer: Someday you'll thank me for this, son.
Bart: Not bloody likely.
Homer: No, it's true. When I was a boy, I wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed and hit my head on the coffee table. The doctor thought I might have brain damage.
Bart: Dad, what's the point of this story?
Homer: I like stories.
Bart: Look, can I please go to the movie?
Homer: I know my punishment may seem a little harsh, but I can't go back on it. You're welcome to watch anything you want on TV.
Bart: TV sucks.
Homer: I know you're upset right now, so I'll pretend you didn't say that.

Marge Gets a Job[edit]

Mr. Burns: Marge, I'm giving you a raise and a new office, right next to mine. [laughs]
Smithers: But sir, that's my office.
Mr. Burns: Don't worry Smithers, I'm putting you where the action is.
[In the men's restroom, Smithers is cleaning the urinals with a toothbrush.]
Smithers: Springtime fresh, winter white. What could be better?
[Homer bursts in and unzips his fly.]
Homer: Aw man, I really gotta...
Smithers: Nooooo!

Marge: So do you think I have a case?
Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, you're in luck. Your sexual harassment suit is just the thing I need to rebuild my shattered practice. [he produces a bottle from his desk] Care to join me in a belt of Scotch?
Marge: It's 9:30 in the morning.
Lionel Hutz: Yeah, but I haven't slept in days. [he takes a generous swig] Last chance... [Homer and Marge don't respond. Hutz drains the bottle] Oh, yeah....

New Kid on the Block[edit]

[Bart and Lisa are fighting while Homer is on the phone with a babysitter.]
Homer: [to Bart and Lisa] Shut up, you little monsters!! [to the phone] I was wondering if you'd like to babysit my little angels.
[On the other end of the line.]
Woman: I'm sorry, this isn't Abby. This is her sister. I look after her now.
[Abby rocks in her chair and mumbles quietly to herself.]
Abby: No, Bart... put it down... put it down, Bart... Bart, put it down.

Homer: You see, son, a woman is a lot like... err... a refrigerator. They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds... they... make ice... uhhh... oh! Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! [drains his beer] But you can't stop at one, you wanna drink another woman! [runs to the fridge]
[Many beers later...]
Homer: [drunkenly] So, I sez, "Yeah? If you want that money, come and find it, 'cause I don't know where it is, ya baloney. You make me wanna retch." [passes out and snores.]

Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, in your own words, please tell us what happened after you and your husband were ejected from the restaurant.
Marge: We pretty much went straight home.
Lionel Hutz: Remember, Mrs. Simpson, you're still under oath.
Marge: We drove around until 3:00 in the morning looking for another open all-you-can-eat seafood restaurant.
Lionel Hutz: And when you couldn't find any?
Marge: [crying] We went fishing!

Mr. Plow[edit]

Homer: [angry] Mr. West, you said there was a a job for me.
Adam West: There was. When I called you, [camera zooms in dramatically] 45 minutes ago.
Barney: So long, Superman, your secret identity is safe with me.

Kent Brockman: Hardest hit by the blizzard is Springfield's forbidding Widow's Peak. Our own Arnie Pye is on the scene.
Arnie Pye: [live remote, in a helicopter] Everything's snowed in, all I can see is white!
Kent Brockman: [impatiently] Arnie, please. The ski conditions.
Arnie Pye: [now upside-down] Mayday, mayday! I think I'm flying into a mountain! Tell my wife I love-- [picture fuzzes out]
Kent Brockman: [chuckles] That's great, Arnie.

Lisa's First Word[edit]

Homer: Dad, I don't need advice! I need $15,000 to buy a home.
Abe: Oh. Well, all I have is this house, that I built with my own two hands!
Homer: You didn't build this house, you won it on a crooked '50s game show.
Abe: I ratted on everybody and got off scot free! [he and Homer laugh and slap fists] Alright son, I'll sell this dump and write you a check.
Homer: [heartfelt] Dad, first you gave me life. Now you've given me a home for my family. I'd be honoured if you came to live with us.
Abe: Thank you. [father and son hug]
[Back in the present day]
Bart: So how long before you shipped Grampa off to the old folks' home?
Homer: About three weeks. [all the family laugh]

[Krusty has just announced Krusty Burger's Olympic sweepstakes]
Krusty: Put a sock in it, preppy! How much are these free burgers gonna cost me?
Company Agent: Not to worry, Mr. K, we've rigged the cards; they're all in events that Communists never lose.
Krusty: [satisfied] I like, I like!
Aide: This just came in over the wires, Big K! [hands him a paper sheet]
Krusty: [reading] "Soviet boycott, U.S. unopposed in most events". How does this affect our giveaway?
Company Agent: Let's see. [punches numbers into a calculator] You personally stand to lose 44 million dollars.
[Krusty sobs]

Marge: Homer, I think the baby is coming.
Homer: Wow. A baby and a free burger. Could this be the best day of my life?
TV Announcer: Next up, an hour-long episode of "Mama's Family."
Homer: Yes!

Ned: Supper time, boys!
Todd: Oh boy: liver!
Rod: Iron helps us play.

TV Announcer: Welcome back to this, the final day of the 23rd Olympiad, brought to you by Krusty Burger.
Krusty: [furious] You people are pigs!! [sobs] I personally am gonna spit in every 50th burger!
Homer: [surrounded by piles of free Krusty Burgers] I like those odds.

Homer's Triple Bypass[edit]

Bart: Nothing you say can upset us. We're the MTV generation.
Lisa: We feel neither highs or lows.
Homer: Really? What's it like?
Lisa: [shrugs] Meh.

Krusty: Hey hey! [goofy laugh]
[Homer grunts in pain; clutching his chest.]
Krusty: Hey, what's the matter? Oh, right. My grotesque appearence!
Homer: Krusty, why are you here?
Krusty: Eh, it's part of my public service for my "Glug-glug, vroom-vroom, thump-thump."
Homer: Well, I could use a laugh.
Krusty: Well, there's nothing funny about what you're about to go through. I know! [Takes off his shirt, revealing a pacemaker scar.] I'm in the zipper club myself! [Lights a cigarette.]
Homer: You seem pretty healthy.
Krusty: Yeah? Well I got news for ya: this ain't makeup!

Marge vs. the Monorail[edit]

Mr Burns: [poorly disguised with a fake mustache] Hello, my name is Mr. Snrub, and I come from some place far away. [to himself] Yes, that'll do. Anyway, I say we invest that money back in the Nuclear Plant.
Smithers: I like the way Snrub thinks.

Lyle Lanley: I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook, and by gum, it put them on the map. Well sir, there's nothing on Earth like a genuine, bonafide, electrified six-car monorail. What'd I say?
Ned Flanders: Monorail!
Lyle: What's it called?
Patty and Selma: Monorail.
Lyle: That's right, monorail! (the crowd starts chanting "monorail" as the song begins)
Ms. Hoover: I hear those things are awfully loud.
Lyle: It glides as softly as a cloud.
Apu: Is there a chance the track could bend?
Lyle: Not on your life, my Hindu friend.
Barney: What about us brain-dead slobs?
Lyle: You'll be given cushy jobs.
Abe Simpson: Were you sent here by the Devil?
Lyle: No, good sir, I'm on the level.
Chief Wiggum: The ring came off my pudding can.
Lyle: Take my pen knife, my good man. I swear it's Springfield's only choice. Throw up your hands and raise your voice!
Everybody: Monoraaaaaaail! (Lyle: What's it called?) Monoraaaaaaail!! (Lyle: Once again!) Monoraaaaaaail!!!
Marge: But Main Street's still all cracked and broken.
Bart: Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken.
Everybody: Monoraaaaaaail! Monoraaaaaaail!! Monoraaaaaaail!!! MONORAIL!
Homer: Mono... (realizes the song is over) D'oh!

Homer: I call the big one Bitey.

[Marge, suspicious of Lyle Lanley, decides to take a long drive to investigate. During her drive, she recalls some things said earlier during the town meeting.]
[Marge arrives in North Haverbrook. She sees a sign that says "Welcome to North Haverbrook, Where the Monorail is King!" Marge sees decrepit houses, old rusted cars and tumbleweeds. Marge hardly sees any people save for a crazy old lady in a rocking chair on her front porch, laughing evilly.]
[Marge then goes to the town center to investigate the monorail, and is shocked to see a crumbling track and a wrecked monorail.]
Woman: Go away! There ain't no monorail and there never was! [Woman slams her window shut, which reads "Monorail Café". A strange looking man approaches Marge, which startles her.]
Sebastian Cobb: Excuse me miss, you asked about the monorail?
Marge: Who are you?
Cobb: My name is Sebastian Cobb. Lanley hired me to build his monorail. He cut corners everywhere: bad wiring, faulty brakes, and the celebrity on the maiden voyage was Gallagher.

Marge: How fast are they going?
Homer: Eeeeeyaaaaaaai!! [yelling as monorail whizzes by platform]
Cobb: [looking at watch] Well, judging by your husband's cowardly scream, 180 miles an hour.

Marge: Homer! There's someone here who says he can help you.
Homer: Batman?!
Marge: No, he's a scientist.
Homer: Batman's a scientist!
Marge: It's not Batman!

Selma's Choice[edit]

Marge: The funeral is in Littleneck Falls. We'll have to go to Duff Gardens another time.
Lisa: We understand.
Bart: No use complaining about something you can't change.
Homer: But I wanna go to Duff Gardens. Right now!
Marge: Homer, quit pouting.
Homer: I'm not pouting. I'm mourning. Stupid dead woman.

[Two security guards come in, escorting Lisa, pale, edgy, and clad in only a towel.]
Security Guard: We found this one swimming naked in the Fermentarium.
Lisa: I am the Lizard Queen!
[A man in a lab coat hands Selma a couple of pills.]
Man: Give her this... [a couple more pills] and this... [a whole pocketful of pills] and then these.
Selma: Mmmm... thank you, doctor.
Man: Oh, I'm not a doctor.

Brother from the Same Planet[edit]

Pepi: Your son Bart sounds very bad.
Homer: Oh, he is.
[Fantasy sequence: Homer and Bart sit at the breakfast table.]
Homer: Son, I just want to say that I love you very much.
Bart: [picks up his grapefruit and hits Homer's face with it] Shut up!
[Back in reality.]
Homer: Mmmm.... grapefruit.

Kent Brockman: This just in, a fist-fight is in process in downtown Springfield. Initial reports indicate, and these are very preliminary, that one of the fighters is a giant lizard. [shot of Godzilla appears in the background.] Do we have a source on this? Uh-huh, a bunch of drunken frat boys. All right, we could use some names. "I.P Freely"-- [realizes] Uh... grrr!

I Love Lisa[edit]

[Lisa opens a package from Ralph.]
Lisa: A Malibu Stacy convertible! [she finds a note from Ralph] "Look in the tunk." He must mean "trunk". [opens trunk] Two tickets to the Krusty Anniversary Show! Oh, he must want me to go with him.
Bart: That's not fair! I'm ten times the Krusty fan you are. I even have the Krusty Home Pregnancy test!
Lisa: I'm not sure if I should go. I don't even like him.
Bart: You're right, Lis. You shouldn't go. It wouldn't be honest. I'll go disguised as you.
Lisa: But what if he wants to hold hands?
Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa: What if he wants to kiss?
Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa: What if he wants to--
Bart: You don't want to know how far I'll go.

[Chief Wiggum pulls Homer over.]
Homer: Is there a problem, officer?
Chief Wiggum: Yep. Got a tail-light out.
Homer: Where?
Chief Wiggum: [smashes a tail-light] Right there.
Homer: [angrily] You know, one day, honest citizens are gonna stand up to you crooked cops!
Chief Wiggum: [alarmed] They are? Oh no! Have they set a date?

Duffless[edit]

[At the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.]
Otto: My name is Ot-to. I love to get blot-to.
Hans Moleman: My name is Hans. Drinking has ruined my life. I'm 31 years old.
Homer: My name is Homer and I'm just here because the court made me come.
Reverend Lovejoy: Homer, with our help you'll never touch a beer again.
[Homer screams and jumps through the window.]

[Watching Ralph's "alcohol fueled car" science fair display.]
Homer: Hmm, alcohol fueled car....
[Within a daydream, Homer is fueling an alcohol fueled car at a gas station.]
Homer: One for you, [pumps fuel into car] one for me. [pumps fuel into his mouth] One for you, [pumps fuel into car] one for me. [pumps fuel into his mouth]

Last Exit to Springfield[edit]

Factory Worker: You can't treat the working man this way. One day, we'll form a union and get the fair and equitable treatment we deserve. Then we'll go too far, and get corrupt and shiftless, and the Japanese will eat us alive!
Mr. Burns' Grandfather: The Japanese? Those sandal-wearing goldfish-tenders? Bosh! Flimshaw!
Mr. Burns: [to Smithers, in the present] If only we'd listened to that boy, instead of walling him up in the abandoned coke oven. Well, I'm going to avenge my grandfather. We'll take on that greedy union and get back our... dental plan.

[Mr. Burns is taking Homer on a tour of his mansion.]
Mr. Burns: This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon, they will have written the greatest novel known to man. [reading] "It was the best of times, it was the 'blurst' of times"? You stupid monkey! [strikes the monkey, which screeches] Oh, shut up.

Grampa: We can't bust heads like we used to. But we have our ways. One trick is to tell stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for m'shoe. So I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt. Which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Gimme five bees for a quarter, you'd say. Now where was I... oh yeah. The important thing was that I had an onion tied to my belt, which was the style at the time. You couldn't get white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones..

So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show[edit]

[Homer begins to open the can of beer Bart had shaken up with a paint mixer.]
Bart: April F- [an explosion of beer blasts out of the windows and chimney of the Simpsons' house and takes the shape of a mushroom cloud]
[Lou and Chief Wiggum stop the police car.]
Lou: That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place.
Chief Wiggum: Forget it. That's two blocks away.
Lou: Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney.
Chief Wiggum: [gets out of the car]I am proceeding on foot. Call in a Code 8.
Lou: [into radio] We need pretzels. Repeat, pretzels.

Bart: Dad, it's all my fault. I shook up that can of beer. It was just an April Fools joke.
[Life support machine starts to change from showing Homer's life signs to outlines of Bart. His mouth begins to form a growl, his fingers twitch and his eyes slowly open in anger.]
Homer: Why, you little--!! [grabs Bart and proceeds to strangle him]

The Front[edit]

Bobby: First, the award for the alumnus who gained the most weight. Homer Simpson!
Homer Simpson: Oh, my God!
Bobby: How'd you do it, Homer?
Homer Simpson: I discovered a meal between breakfast and brunch.
Bobby: And now the award from most improved odor. Homer Simpson!
Homer Simpson: Yes!
Bobby: And First Whose new travel a least distance to be here. Well, kiss my grits, Homer Simpson!
Homer Simpson: What can I say? It hasn't been easy staying in my rut.
Principal Dondelinger: Ahem. Class of 74' I was just Uh... Leafing for your permanent records... that I discovered something a champion.

Lisa: That's as bad as the tasteless "Itchy & Sambo" cartoons of the late '30s. The writers should be ashamed of themselves.
Bart: Cartoons have writers?
Lisa: Eh, sort of.
Bart: Oh yeah? Well you and I could write a better cartoon than that.
Lisa: Write a cartoon ourselves? Bart, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Bart: Probably not. [in his mind, Bart is thinking about holding Santa Claus at gunpoint] Lie in the snow and count to 60. [Barts leaps into the sleigh and cracks the reins] Hiyah! [laughs evilly as he flies into the distance] Merry Christmas, suckers!

Whacking Day[edit]

[Bart and the bullies make their way to Utility Basement B looking for mountain bikes.]
Nelson: Hey, what gives? Where are the mountain bikes?
Principal Skinner: [appears] Sorry about the ruse, gentlemen. You're being swept under the rug for the superintendent's visit. Enjoy. [closes the door and locks them in]
Jimbo: How are we going to get out of here?
Nelson: And when are we going to get our mountain bikes?
Principal Skinner: [outside of the room] Would the world judge me harshly if I threw away the key?
Groundskeeper Willie: Nay, but the PTA would tear you a new arse.
Principal Skinner: Wise counsel, William, but the potty talk adds nothing.

[Springfield residents track down the snakes to the Simpson place, but Lisa wants a stop to the killing.]
Lisa: Now wait a minute! How could you do this to snakes after all they've done for you?
Grandpa: I'm an old man. I hate everything but Matlock. Ooh, it's on now.
Lisa: Mrs. Glick, who killed all the rats in your basement?
Mrs. Glick: Snake did.
Bart: And you love snakes, don't you Mr. White?
Barry White: I love the sexy slither of a lady snake. Oh baby.

Marge in Chains[edit]

Lionel Hutz: Now don't you worry, Mrs. Simpson, I-- Uh-oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder.
Marge: Is that bad?
Lionel Hutz: Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog.
Marge: You did?
Lionel Hutz: Well, replace the word "kinda" with the word "repeatedly", and the word "dog" with "son."

Lionel Hutz: Your Honor, my client claims that she simply forgot she was carrying this bottle of... delicious bourbon... brownest of the brown liquors... so tempting... [puts the bottle to his ear] What's that? You want me to drink you? But I'm in the middle of a trial. Excuse me. [Hutz rushes out of courtroom to call his best friend] Hello, David? I'm really tempted!
Crosby: Just take it one day at a time, and know that I love you.
Hutz: I love you too, man.

Krusty Gets Kancelled[edit]

Krusty: Every time you watch my show, I'll send you $40! [holds up check to audience]
Man: [quick voice-over] Checks will not be honored.

Gabbo: Now it's time for another one of Gabbo's Crank Calls! Oh I love these!
Bart: I can't believe it, he stole this bit from Krusty!
Lisa: Yeah, well, Krusty stole it from Steve Allen.
Grampa: Well everything's stolen nowadays. Why the fax machine is nothing but a waffle iron with a phone attached.