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Hoodwinked!

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Hoodwinked! is a 2005 film based on the Little Red Riding Hood folktale. Structurally, it borrows from the films Rashomon and The Usual Suspects, as well as frequently intertwining various plots, a method popularized by Quentin Tarantino's cult film Pulp Fiction.

Dialogue

[edit]
[First lines]
Narrator: [voiceover] Red Riding Hood. You probably know the story. [cue the sound of a small girl screaming] But there's more to every tale than meets the eye. It's just like they always say: "You can't judge a book by its cover". If you want to know the truth, you've got to flip through the pages.
[The book flips open to a popup map. The camera zooms in, flies through the trees, and comes to rest on the front door of a cottage in a meadow]
Red: [opens the door] Granny? [hearing nothing, steps into the living room] It's me, Red. [looks around, uncertain] Is everything okay?
Wolf: [falsetto voice] Oh, oh yeah. Sure thing. Come on in.
[The camera whip-pans to show the Wolf sitting up in Granny's bed, dressed in an apron and wearing a plastic face mask]
Red: [cautiously approaches him] What? Wh-Who are you?
Wolf: I'm your grandma.
Red: Your face looks really weird, Granny.
Wolf: I've been sick, I...uh... [puts his hands over his chest]
Red: Your mouth doesn't move when you talk.
Wolf: [taps his mask] Oh, uh, plastic surgery. Grandma's had a little work done. Now come on over here. Let's have a look at you.
Red: [steps closer, warily] So...what's going on, "grandma"?
Wolf: Oh, this and that. Doing a lot of quilting. So, you got the loot?
Red: [noticing his furry hands] Whoa, what big hands you have!
Wolf: Oh! All the better to scratch my back with! [does so]
Red: And what big ears you have!
Wolf: [becoming increasingly irritated] All the better to hear your...many criticisms! Old people just have big ears, dear.
Red: [shakes her head in disbelief] And Granny...what big eyes you have!
Wolf: [losing his temper] Are we just going to sit around here and talk about how big I'm getting?! [leans in closer to Red] You came here for a reason, didn't ya? So tell ole Granny what you've got in the basket!
Red: [leans back, disgusted] Ugh! Granny! What bad breath you have!
Wolf: All right! [pulls off his mask]
Red: [screams and taking a step back] You again?! What do I have to do, get a restraining order?!
Wolf: Settle down, little girl, I'm on to you!
Red: HI-YAH! [positions her arms in a fighting stance]
Wolf: Save it, Red fu! You've been dodging me all day, but now you might as well give up. [grabs a fireplace poker]
Red: [runs into the living room where Wolf manages to corner her] Hi-yah! You crazy wolf! What have you done with Granny?!
Wolf: [grabs her arm] I've taken Granny down and you're next!
[Granny bursts out of the closet, bound and gagged]
Red: Granny!
Wolf: [shocked] But, you, that's not-
[Kirk bursts through the window, holding an axe, acting crazy, causing everyone to scream. The screen cuts to black, and the title "Hoodwinked!" appears]
[Chief Ted Grizzly meets Det. Bill Stork outside the cottage]
Chief Ted Grizzly: Bill.
Det. Bill Stork: [turns around, startled] Chief!
Chief Grizzly: All right, uh, what have we got?
Det. Stork: Ah, it's a domestic disturbance: breaking and entering, wielding an axe without a license, intent to eat...
Chief Grizzly: I get the picture. Any connection with the recipe robberies?
Det. Stork: You mean the Goodie Bandit? Could be. The house belongs to Granny Puckett.
Chief Grizzly: The cookbook lady?
Det. Stork: Yeah that's the one.
Chief Grizzly: Hmm. [opens the door]
[From left to right we see Wolf, Kirk, Granny, and Red sitting in chairs, handcuffed, around a smashed table as police radio chatter continues]
Det. Stork: Okay, Paul Bunyan here was swinging the axe, and Wolfie was trying to eat Li'l Bit.
Chief Grizzly: All right, get a muzzle on that guy.
Wolf: Hey, I can explain everything.
Chief Grizzly: Well you can explain it to the judge. [turns to Red] Shouldn't you be in school?
Red: Shouldn't I have a lawyer?
Chief Grizzly: [is distracted by something] Wha-What are you doing?
[Three pig cops Bruce, Timmy, and Tommy were standing around a wicker basket turn to him]
Pigs: Oh, uh, hey, Chief.
Chief Grizzly: Don't eat that! That's evidence!
Timmy: Right.
[Another officer puts a muzzle over Wolf's mouth]
Chief Grizzly: All right, so this looks pretty open-and-shut: Little Miss Rosycakes making covert deliveries to the goodie tycoon, Wolfie tries to eat 'em both, then crazy flannel pants with the axe here busts in swinging vigilante style. Take 'em downtown, boys!
Det. Stork: Uh, it's the woods, Chief. We don't have a downtown.
Chief Grizzly: You know what I mean! Just book 'em!
Nicky Flippers: Not so fast, Grizzly. [enters through the back door] That's the problem with you bears: always growling up the wrong tree.
Chief Grizzly: Nicky Flippers? What are you doing here? This is my case!
Flippers: Well, well! Someone hibernated on the wrong side of the cave. I saw the lights. Thought the circus was in town. [eyes the four detainees] Now of course, I see I was right.
Chief Grizzly: Well you're too late, Nicky, I've got this case all wrapped up.
Flippers: Is that right?
Chief Grizzly: Yeah.
Red: They've got this all wrong, Mr. Flippers.
Flippers: [walks over to her] Oh, I don't know. You look very dangerous to me. What's your name?
Red: Red.
Flippers: And why do they call you that?
Red: Why do they call you "Flippers"?
[Cuts to Flippers on the dance floor at a disco club in a flashy white suit. As the crowd chants "Go Flippers!" in the background, he executes a perfect back flip]
Flippers: [scratches his tie nervously] Uh, no reason.
Red: They call me "Red" because of this red hood I wear.
Flippers: What about when you're not wearing it? [beat]
Red: [quietly] I usually wear it.
Chief Grizzly: Recipes have been coming up missing all over the forest, goody shops have been going out of business for months, and the trail ends here! I got a case to close!
Flippers: Slow down, Chief. We've got four suspects, and that means four stories, and if you get people talking long enough, someone will spill the beans.
Tommy: [oinks] Beans?
Wolf: [muffled] Look, could I just make a phone call? [cries out as he gets zapped]
Red: [to Flippers] I'll tell you what happened.
[Red has been brought in to be interviewed]
Flippers: What's with the handcuffs on a little girl? Her wrists could slip right out! How 'bout a cage?
Det. Stork: [on walkie-talkie, eager] Bring in the cage!
Flippers: I was being sarcastic.
Det. Stork: [on walkie-talkie, disappointed] Sarcasm. Strike the cage...
[The guy on the other end of the radio groans]
Chief Grizzly: [sighs] Well all right. Get the cuffs off her.
[The notary sharpens his pencil and Red's handcuffs are removed]
Nicky Flippers: So, Red, why don't you explain how this all began?
Red: Well, like any other day: I was making deliveries to my granny's goodie shop.
[While Red is riding her bike, Boingo spots her]
Boingo: Hey Red! [hops into her basket] Oh, nice outfit! Always "red" with you. You must be in autumn.
Red: [smiles] Hey, Boingo. Aren't you helping the Muffin Man today?
Boingo: [glumly] No, he closed up shop. Somebody took all his recipes last night and now I'm out of a job!
Red: Oh, gee, Boingo, I'm really sorry! Are you still running the cable car?
Boingo: Yeah. Yeah, I am, but it's nothin' like making goodies all day. I'll tell you that.
Red: Would a carrot crumpet make you feel better? [hands him one]
Boingo: [brightens] Oh boy, oh boy! Thanks, Red! I can always count on you to deliver, you little rascally...devil!
Red: Yeah, well, the woods don't go 'round by themselves.
[Boingo hops away. Then Red sees a family of four beavers abandoning their boarded up roadside snack shack]
Mother Beaver: Come on, let's go.
Child Beaver: Where are we going now, mama?
Red: [narrating] With the Goodie Bandit on the loose, recipes were becoming an endangered species. I decided to call Granny. If anyone would know what to do, she would.
[Cuts to Granny talking on the phone while knitting]
Granny: I don't know what to do. I'm just a tired old lady.
Red: Your recipes are the most famous in the whole forest, Granny! What if they get swiped? It could wipe you out! Maybe I should bring you the recipe book, just for safekeeping!
Granny: A trip up the mountain is too dangerous for a little girl.
Red: I'm not so little anymore!
Granny: Please, dear, you just keep the recipes there and everything will be fine.
Red: But-
Granny: I have to go now. My program's on. Kisses. [blows air kisses and hangs up]
[Red sighs, annoyed, and hangs up]
[Red is in a treehouse, reading a magazine; a woodpecker flies up]
Woodpecker: Watchya readin', Red? [sees the magazine cover] "Far Away Places"? Are you going somewhere far away?
Red: No. The world is too dangerous for me. [throws her arms up in exasperation, in the process throwing her magazine away. It lands spread-open on a passing car]
Driver: [swerves and revs his engine] Aah! Can't see! Danger! Turn into the skid! [cuts back to Red as we hear the sound of screeching tires, followed seconds later by a loud crash. Red gives a tense look to the camera] I'm okay! I'll walk it off!
[Red relaxes]
Woodpecker: You can't go away! Who's gonna ride the goody bike?
Red: If I had wings like you, I'd fly all the way past that mountain, [waves towards a snowcapped peak in the distance] and the next one and the next one...but I can't. I'm just a kid.
Woodpecker: I'm just a woodpecker. [Red hears the sound of glass being shattered and flinches] Uh-oh. [Red shimmies down the rope and runs over to Granny's store, nearby, and finds the front window shattered. She opens the door, picks up a rock on the floor, and finds the words "YOU'RE NEXT!" written on it; fluttering down and landing next to Red's feet] "You're next!"? What does it mean, "You're next!"?
[Red hears a noise and sees the owner of the store next door tacking up a notice that reads "Out O' Business"]
Owner: Ruined... [turns and trudges away, muttering to herself]
Red: [looks back at the store safe] It means someone wants our recipes... [and with determination, she grabs the recipe book from the safe]
Woodpecker: Are they gonna get your recipes?
Red: [glares at him] Not today. [loads the book into her basket and places it under a tray]
[Cut to the present day]
Flippers: [grabbing a sandwich from the fridge] So, you deliberately took your granny's recipes from the family vault, without permission?
Red: Help yourself.
Flippers: And then, you set off on a dangerous journey up the mountain [flicks an olive off the toothpick, snatching it out of the air with his tongue] alone?
Red: Yeah. I guess I did.
Boingo: I guess running the cable car's not so bad. You know, it's a great way to see the forest without having to worry about all the big, hairy beasts down there!
Red: [unnerved] Beasts?
Boingo: [hops over towards her end of the cabin] Oh, yeah, you know, beasts- the-the wolves, and the bobcats, and the mountain lions, and the...sabre tooth tigers! Bu-but mostly wolves. Mostly wolves. Forests can be a dangerous place for a little guy like me, with my, well look at me, I'm fuzzy. Hey, you deliver up this far?
Red: Well, not usually. But I was thinking about what you told me earlier - about the Muffin Man? I need to protect Granny's recipes from that bandit's evil plan. They're gonna shut down everyone in the forest if we're not careful. [the doors fly open and she flails around, trying to keep her balance]
Boingo: No! [jumps for Red's basket]
[But Red grabs the basket as she slips and falls towards the woods below, bounces on the branches, and softly hits the ground. She gets up, finds herself in the forest, and has just seen two hungry eyes glaring at her when a squirrel named Twitchy lands and takes a photo of her. She turns and gasps to find herself face to face with the Wolf]
Wolf: Afternoon.
Red: [beat] Hello.
Wolf: So, you're the little girl in the red hood? That was quite a bit of falling you did just now.
Red: Oh, you saw that.
Wolf:: Yep, gravity's working. Those old cable cars on the...You should write a letter. [sniffs] Wow, something smells good. Are those...goodies in there?
Red: I'm not supposed to talk to strangers.
Wolf: No, you shouldn't. Good call. So what are you doing out here in the big bad forest? You taking the goodies to someone in particular?
Red: Uhhh...my granny.
Wolf: Granny? Granny Puckett, the goodie lady? My goodness, she makes some good...goodies. She's got a thing. It's like a, uh, it's like, a, uh...cookies, shortbread chocolate icing between very... [sighs] It's good. Uh, it's very good. You make deliveries to your granny often?
Red: [shakes her head] I don't think I should tell you that.
Wolf: Ah, you don't have anything else in that basket?
Red: You ask a lot of questions, mister!
Wolf:: Well, I'm a curious guy. Let me have a look.
Red: I'd rather you didn't.
[The Wolf lets out a ferocious roar. Red screams and immediately runs away]
[Wolf is floating away down the river after being tricked by Red]
Wolf: You can't hold on to those recipes forever! I'll get you and your little granny too!
[The hummingbirds return Red's cloak to her]
Chief Grizzly: [offscreen] Yep, that settles it. [cuts back to the interview] We've got our bandit.
Flippers: Ah, could be. I'd like to count my chickens after they hatch.
Timmy: [oinks] Chickens?
Red: You've gotta admit, a wolf? Stopping kids in the middle of the forest? That's pretty creepy!
Flippers: [nods] Hmm, yes, right. But we don't arrest people for being creepy.
[Tommy and Timmy exchange glances]
Tommy: [on radio] Yeah, Bruce, you know that guy we've got in the tank?
Bruce: Uh, the creepy one?
Tommy: Yeah, better let him go.
Flippers: [to Red] So you went on to Granny's?
Red: I found an old trail up the north side of the mountain.
[Red arrives in an alpine meadow. She hears music]
Red: Hello! [sees a mine shack across the meadow and runs towards it; Japeth is rocking on his horns as Red walks up the hill to the front porch] Hello. [Japeth doesn't hear her and continues yodeling] I'm looking for...Granny Puckett's house?
Japeth: [singing] Graaaaaaaanneeee Puckeeeet...
Red: Could you stop singing for one moment?
Japeth: [singing] No I can't, I wish I could, but a mountain witch done put a spell on me, 37 years agoooooooo, and now I gotta sing every thing I saaaaaaaaayyyyyy...
Red: [beat] Everything?
Japeth: [speaking] That's right.
Red: You just talked! Just now! [points a finger at Japeth]
Japeth: Oh, did I? [singing] Did I? Dididididodadidididoooo...
[Red gives an exasperated glare to the camera]
[Red calls Granny from Japeth's telephone]
Red: Granny?
Granny: Huh? What's that? Who's there?
Red: It's Red. I'm on my way to come see you-
Granny: Oh my, dearie, I-I'm not prepared! I need to...put down fresh doilies! Aah! [slips on something]
Red: Granny! Granny! What's wrong?
Granny: Gotta go, munchkin. Banzai! [hangs up]
Red: [a worried expression creeps over her face] Oh no! [hangs up and turns to Japeth, wild-eyed] Mr. Goat, my granny's in trouble! I've got to find a way around the mountain, fast!
Japeth: [singing] Well you came to the right goat! [pops off his rocking horns]
Red: Oh, good! More singing...
[During "Be Prepared", Red looks at a map of the mine tunnel network]
Red: Are these tunnels? I need one that leads to Puckett Grove! [looks at Japeth, who is swinging around on the chandelier and yodeling] Oh... [sighs and turns back to the map]
[Red's mine cart has just gone airborne; as she looks down]
Granny: Red!
Red: [looks up and, to her shock, sees Granny in the clouds above her] Granny?
Granny: Use the hood, Red! Use the hood!
[Red unfastens her cloak, which turns into a parachute as the cart plummets to Earth. As she emerges from the clouds...]
Red: What?! [looks in disbelief as Japeth flies past her, holding his banjo and wearing antlers with rotors on the ends]
Japeth: I was prepared! [flies up and away as Red looks on, bemused]
[Red jogs up to Granny's house. She opens the front door and sticks her head in]
Red: Granny? It's me, Red. Is everything okay?
Wolf: Oh! Oh yeah, sure thing.
[Cuts to the present]
Flippers: So this Wolf, he was dressed as your grandmother?
Red: Yes.
Wolf: [in flashback] I'm your grandma.
Flippers: And you bought that?
Red: No. Not really. [cuts flashback] Whoa, what big hands you have! [cut] And what big ears you have! [cut] What bad breath you have! [cut] What big eyes you have!
Wolf: [in flashback] Are we just gonna sit around here and talk about how big I'm getting?!
Flippers: Yes, yes, and then the fellow with the axe burst in?
[In the flashback, Kirk bursts through the window. The scene plays out like the beginning for a few seconds]
Red: [waves her hands in a "stop everything" gesture] No! No! Not yet! [everything on-screen except for Red freezes in time, and rewinds; Kirk flies back out the window and the window repairs itself] First, I was attacked by that crazy wolf! [Wolf corners Red in the living room with a fireplace poker; in flashback] Hi-yah! You crazy wolf! [voiceover] Then my granny jumped out of the closet. [Granny bursts out of the closet and emits a battle cry] But she was tied up.
[With an audible pop, Granny is instantly bound and gagged]
Flippers: And then the Axeman Cometh? [snickers]
Red: You got it. [Kirk bursts back through the window] Only, he was screaming.
Kirk: [weakly] Aargh?
Red: [glares at him, angrily] Like a maniac!
[Kirk starts waving his axe wildly; flashback ends]
Chief Grizzly: Wow!
Det. Stork: Hmm.
Flippers: Ah. So that was it?
Red: That wolf was going to eat us all...
Chief Grizzly: The guy's pawprints are all over the room. Book him-
Flippers: Hold the phone, fuzzy-wuzzy. Let's hear it from the Wolf's mouth.
[Red shoots a disgusted glare at the Wolf as he enters to be interviewed]
Wolf: Don't I get a drink?
Chief Grizzly: No!
Flippers: So! Mr. Wolf, may I call you Wolf?
Wolf: You can call me Sheila. I like long walks and fresh flowers.
Chief Grizzly: Quit playing around, Wolf! You're looking at 3 to 5 in an old shoe with no windows, so start singin'!
Flippers: [squints and scrutinizes the Wolf] Your face looks familiar!
Wolf: I get around the forest.
Flippers: What do you do for a living, Mr. Wolf?
Wolf: I'm a shepherd. [Stork strikes his hand with his baton] Hey!
Red: You might as well confess! I told them everything!
Wolf: Will you keep her away from me, please!
Flippers: I remember you! Three years ago on the Stiltskin case, you were snooping around for a lead on his real name.
Wolf: [nonchalantly] I was close, too. I was going to go with "Greg". Greg Stiltsken.
Chief Grizzly: Hang on! Wait a minute, Flippers, you're saying this guy's a cop?
Flippers: Worse. He's a reporter.
Red: A what?!
Wolf: And I've got the real story.
[Wolf has just finished following up a lead at a sandwich shop]
Wolf: [on his tape recorder] No deserts. Waste of time. [hears singing, and sees Red riding her bike nearby, narrating] The little delivery girl in the red hood. Always on the go. More goodies passed through her hands than anybody else in the whole forest. She seemed happy. A little too happy. [as he watches through some bushes, he sees some hummingbirds carry Red and her bike across a stream] Whoa! Creepy! [retreats behind the bushes; continues narrating] I was starting to have my suspicions. [takes out his tape recorder and presses the record button] Question: who does she move the goodies for? Where do they come from? Where are they going? And why the hood? [as he scratches his chin and ponders, Twitchy falls from the sky and lands on a tree stump next to him, causing him to jump] Ah! Twitchy, you scared me.
Twitchy: [speaking very quickly] Hey boss, I called the taped-I beeped you on your beeper. Did you get my beep?
Wolf: Twitchy, you've gotta calm down.
Twitchy: I got up early and I got the gear. I was watching the girl like you told me to, the girl in the red hood.
Wolf: Yeah, the girl in the red hood. Did you see where she went?
Twitchy: [pantomiming] She went past the porcupines and the red bird's tree and the guy with the long beard and now she's up the creek and she sings everywhere she goes! She's like lalalalalalalalalala-
Wolf: Yeah, yeah, I'm way ahead of you. We've gotta find out who she's working for. You got the camera?
Twitchy: Got the 220x and a photo-grab with auto-focus. Ooo, look at that - comes with a 500 mm lens. You want the color or black and white?
Wolf: Doesn't matter.
Twitchy: I brought a flash! [immediately takes a picture in the Wolf's face, briefly blinding him]
Wolf: Will you put that away?! It's covert. No flash!
Twitchy: [takes the flash off] Undercover, got it! Mm-hmm! Nobody sees, nobody knows! Click-click, heh heh! [grins]
Wolf: [stares at Twitchy] You ever thought about decaffeinated coffee?
Twitchy: Oh, I don't drink coffee!
[Wolf looks away, unconvinced]
[Wolf disguised himself as a sheep while visiting Woolworth, his informant]
Wolf: How's it goin', Woolworth?
Woolworth: Man, what are you doing here?! The shepherd comes by and sees me talkin' to you, I'm gonna get the crook!
Wolf: Yeah? Well, there's a bigger crook on the loose that I'm concerned about. What do you hear about the Goody Bandit?
Woolworth: What do I know from goodies? [sees Twitchy in a sheep suit] Hiya, Twitchy.
Twitchy: Baa!
Wolf: I wanna know about the little girl in the red hood.
Woolworth: Don't know a thing. Never heard of her. [Wolf slips him some money] Little Red? Processing. Yeah, yeah, it's coming back to me now. Sweet gal. Not like that Bo Peep. That brat put an invisible fence, I tasted metal fillings for a week!
Wolf: Focus! The girl in the hood. You get around the mountain. Who does she work for?
Woolworth: How should I know? I ain't that curious! [Wolf slips him some more money] It's the family business. Ain't you ever heard of Granny Puckett?
Wolf: Puckett?
Woolworth: That's her grandma.
Wolf: The Granny Puckett? You pullin' the wool over my eyes?
Woolworth: [sarcastically] Ha ha, hilarious. You come up with that yourself? That's funny.
Wolf: [gives a cold glare to Woolworth] You're looking pretty tasty.
Woolworth: Why you gotta be like that? All I know is that the old lady lives up high in the hills. Not a lot of visitors.
Wolf: Except the little girl.
Woolworth: The word in the herd is that she's been known to take the cable car up the mountain.
Wolf: Cable car?
[Wolf and Twitchy are following the cable car up the mountain from the woods below]
Wolf: Those sheep made me hungry. After this, we're grabbing a bite.
Twitchy: Sounds good, sounds good.
[Wolf pulls out a radar gun, and starts scanning his surroundings. He picks up random wildlife noises - a bleating mountain goat, some croaking frogs, and also some German yodeling. Then...]
Caterpillar 1: I don't know what to do. I mean, should I call her? Should I-
Caterpillar 2: Well she's keeping her options open. Seeing other people probably, you should do the same.
Caterpillar 1: Shh. Up there.
[The camera angle changes to show the tip of the Wolf's dish hovering over two caterpillars on a leaf]
Caterpillar 1: Do you mind?
Wolf: [embarrassed] Ooh. Sorry. [aims his radar gun back at the cable car's cabin and continues walking, eventually picking up voices]
Boingo's voice: Hey, you deliver up this far?
Red's voice: [unintelligible due to static] ...but I was thinking of...the Muffin Man...Granny's recipes...an evil plan...to shut down everyone in the forest.
Wolf: [lowers his radar] I knew it. She's working for the old lady. Twitchy?
[Twitchy climbs onto a tree branch, at which point Red falls out of the car. He starts taking pictures of her up until she crashes through his branch, hits several more branches, and lands on the ground]
Wolf: [deadpan, into tape recorder] Ouch. [as Red discovers a footprint, Twitchy swallows his camera. The extra weight causes him to fall from his branch and snap a through-the-mouth flash photo of Red; facepalms] Ugh. [steps out from his hiding place. Red gasps] Afternoon.
Red: Hello.
Wolf: So, you're the little girl in the red hood? That was quite a bit of falling you did just now. [Twitchy hides behind his boss and coughs up his camera] Yep, gravity's working...So what are you doing out here in the big bad forest? Are you taking the goodies to someone in particular?
[Twitchy disassembles the camera and starts checking individual parts for damage]
Red: Uhhh...my granny.
[Twitchy sprays a small amount of cleaning solution under his armpits]
Wolf: Ah, you don't have anything else in that basket?
Red: You ask a lot of questions, mister!
[Twitchy winds up the camera]
Wolf: Well, I'm a curious guy. Let me have a look.
Red: I'd rather you didn't.
[At that precise moment, Wolf's tail gets caught in the camera and he screams in pain, but makes a face that makes it seem like he's roaring. Red screams and she runs away]
Wolf: [looks at his tail, embarrassed] I mean, please! Come back here! [turns to Twitchy] What are you doing?!
Twitchy: Sorry! I was just winding! I was just - You had your tail-
Wolf: Come on! We're gonna lose her! Red?! Red Riding Hood?! We'll never catch her. Taxi! [a taxi cab picks him up, but leaves Twitchy behind; Wolf sees Red run past] Whoa, that was her. We passed her. Right here's fine. [the taxi drops off him; into his tape recorder] Suspect is approaching on foot, stolen recipes in basket. I'm about to catch her red-handed. [steps out from behind the tree he is using as cover when Red gets close; she gasps and freezes] Hand over the basket!
[Red raises a pepper spray can and sprays him in the eyes]
Red: Hi-yah! [starts kicking and punching him]
[Midway through, we cut back to Wolf's present day interview]
Flippers: [incredulous] So, you really took a beating, from a little girl?
Wolf: Hey.
[Cuts to Red, standing next to a photo of herself in her martial arts uniform, with the caption "Red Puckett: Forest Regional Karate Champion". Meanwhile in the flashback]
Red: HIIII-YAH!! [spin-kicks Wolf, causing him to fall on his back, then takes off]
Wolf: Come back here, you little brat! [as Twitchy runs, trying to catch up, the Wolf chases Red's cape, not noticing that it is actually being flown by hummingbirds. When he grabs it, he finds it empty, and the camera whips back to reveal him frozen in mid-air past the edge of a cliff] Okay. Not cool. [falls and screams into the freezing water below; floating away, and noticing Red standing on the cliff above him] You can't hold onto those recipes forever! I'll get you and you little granny too! [sees a fisherman on the river bank looking at him intently]
Fisherman: Hmm. That's fishy.
Wolf: What?! They're evil! I'll prove it!
[Wolf is drying off on a log when Twitchy hobbles up, panting, and collapses]
Twitchy: So can we eat?
Wolf: Sure! You hungry for failure? Maybe a side of unemployment? 'Cause that's what's for lunch.
Twitchy: Well, what do we do?
Wolf: We go right to the source. We've gotta get to Granny's before the kid does.
Boingo: [appears] Is it a surprise?
Wolf: Excuse me?
Boingo: You're going over to Granny's house to surprise Red. I mean, is it her birthday, or what is it? Is there some kind of shim dig, 'cause I'm great at parties! Watch me pull myself out of a hat! [forcefully scratches his right ear against his head]
Wolf: Yeah. Big surprise party. You know how to get there?
Boingo: Oh, yeah! Yeah! In fact, I know a shortcut.
Wolf: [to Twitchy, incredulous] You hear that? He knows a shortcut.
Boingo: You go over the woods and through the river...no, you don't wanna go through the river. You'll get all wet.
Wolf: You see, Twitchy, you get lemons, you make lemonade. [cuts to Wolf and Twitchy walking in ankle-deep water through a dark tunnel; Twitchy turns on his camera light] And then that lemonade goes bitter, and ferments, and turns to pig-swill. Never trust a bunny with directions, Twitchy.
Twitchy: Sure thing, boss! Never trust a bunny!
Wolf: Well the bright side is at least I finally dried off. [immediately falls into a small hole, soaking his hoodie and bringing the water up to his waist] Why couldn't I write movie reviews? We are in a pickle, and I blame myself. That bunny was worthless. Not to mention he wrote the directions on an Easter Egg... [holds up a brightly colored Easter Egg with illegible handwriting and a tiny map scribbled on the side] ...which is very hard to read.
Twitchy: Oh, we're gonna die in here!
Wolf: Come on, that's what they said at the Alamo!
[Wolf and Twitchy have boarded a mine cart]
Wolf: Now this is a shortcut!
[A loud rumble is heard as their cart runs along the mountainside]
Twitchy: What's that? Sounds like an avalanche!
Wolf: Well Twitchy, that's natural. It's just Old Man Mountain showing us who's boss.
[The cart enters a tunnel]
Twitchy: Hey lookie-lookie, I found this box of candles! A big box!
Wolf: Box of candles? Light 'em up! [Twitchy lights one, and holds up...a stick of dynamite with a sparking fuse] Wow that's nice and bright. What kind of candles are those?
Twitchy: [looks at the print on the side] Uh, DEE-NA-MEE-TAY. Hmm, must be Italian.
Wolf: [freaking out] AH! Lose the candle!
[Wolf wrestles with Twitchy for the stick, which falls, rolls, and ignites every single stick of dynamite stored in the back. The Wolf yelps and starts rapidly throwing sticks behind the cart as they exit the tunnel onto a trestle. The sticks hit the track and explode, and Wolf pulls the emergency brake, bringing the cart to a stop at the bottom. As they come to their senses, another cart goes off the truncated track end behind them with a loud scream]
Wolf: You hear something?
Twitchy: Hmmm?
Wolf: Huh. Come on, let's get to Granny's.
[Wolf and Twitchy arrive at Granny's cottage]
Wolf: [knocks on door] Hello! Paper boy. Publishers. Uh, candygram! [opens the door, finding it unlocked]
Twitchy: Huh, whadda we do, boss?
Wolf: [sees a cardboard cutout of Granny, and is repulsed; narrating] Lucky for me, Granny keeps a lot of her merchandise around the cottage. Disguise was the only way of catching this girl in the act of smuggling. [dons a plastic face mask and apron; falsetto voice] Sweetie pie. [outtake beeps, cut to take 2] Sugar plum! [take 3] Uh, hug your granny, little puddin' pop!
Twitchy: [bored] Oh....
Wolf: [lifts up the mask] Ooh! Boy, that's hot. Okay, change of plans, you can be Granny.
[There is a loud knock on the door]
Twitchy: She's coming!
[The Wolf throws him in a side closet, where Granny is bound and gagged]
Red: [coming from the foyer] Granny? It's me, Red. Is everything okay?
Wolf: [pulls down the mask] Oh, oh, yeah, sure thing. Come on in.
Chief Grizzly: [offscreen] Pretty thin, Wolf! [cut back to the present day] You say the old lady was already tied up! How did that happen?!
Wolf: I don't know, maybe to make herself look innocent. I just write the news, Chief! I don't make it.
Red: For a reporter, you sure have a strange way of doing your job. [rolls her eyes]
Wolf:: What can I say? I was raised by wolves.
[Cuts to a picture of the Wolf's family portrait]
Chief Grizzly: You got a way to back this up?
Twitchy: [appears] I got these pictures developed, Mr. Flippers!
Flippers: That so? Let's have a look... [examines the photos] Hmmm...these are good...Ha... [shows picture of Wolf mounted in a fish costume] Here's a nice one of you, Wolf.
Twitchy: I wanna do an expose' sometime; a gallery show. And maybe a coffee table book, 'course, I don't drink coffee. Maybe a chi tea/latte book.
Flippers: Photos don't lie, Chief.
[Grizzly growls in frustration]
Wolf: Good work, Twitchy.
Flippers: I wanna know more about this fellow with the axe. How does he fit into all this?
Det. Stork: Maybe you should AXE him yourself! [laughs uncontrollably, until Chief Grizzly stares blankly at him] Uh, I'll bring him in.
[Flippers has Kirk brought in to be interviewed; Kirk hits his head on the doorway coming into the room]
Chief Grizzly: [to Det. Stork about Kirk] This guy's a loon.
Det. Stork: Watch it, chief. My mama's half-loon.
[Chief Grizzly shoots him a "what?" look]
Flippers: [to Kirk] My, my. You're a big fellow. Shop at the Big and Tall store?
Kirk: This is a big and tall mistake! I would not hurt a butterfly!
Det. Stork: [slams Kirk's pick axe down in front of him] Then what's this?! A letter opener?!
Chief Grizzly: Yeah that's a funny accent you got there, choppy.
Kirk: I can do the Cowboy accent. [cowboy accent] "Howdy, partner!"
Flippers: Indeed you can. Say, before you ride off into the sunset, you think you could rustle us up some information?
Kirk: [trying out for a commercial] Arrrgh! Paul's Bunion Cream has the soothing formula...
Jimmy Lizard: [interrupts] Whoa, whoa, whoa, no! Hold it, hold it! [music stops] Ho, ho, stop...Look, "Argh"?
Kirk: Uh-huh...
Jimmy Lizard: What...what are ya, some kinda German pirate or somethin'?
Kirk: I just got the script, like, five minutes ago...I'm trying...
Jimmy Lizard: Okay, sure, sure, um...you're not gettin' it...
[Kirk returns to his truck and finds it vandalized]
Kirk: What the schnitzel? My schnitzel truck, it's been... [sputters] They stole everything!
[The kids he was entertaining begin to leave]
Boingo: Oh, that's too bad. [the children part to reveal Boingo, holding Red's carrot crumpet] It's not easy being in the goody business these days, huh?
Kirk: I'm getting schnitzeled left and right today! I cannot even sell the bunion cream! Now I'm gonna lose my job!
Boingo: Well chin up, mister! Maybe someday, somebody will open up a great big goody shop, and we can all work for that little guy.
[Kirk is falling through the trees]
Kirk: Sorry little birds!
[A tree with a populated bird's nest on it falls; one branch nearly hits two turtles]
Turtle: RUN! [he and his mate start inching along with strained necks]
[Kirk has just finished his story]
Flippers: So, you didn't jump through the window, you were pushed. By a tree. Because you were pretending to be a woodsman. To sell foot cream.
Kirk: I got the callback!
Flippers: And good for you. Suffice to say, our thespian friend here knows the least about anything.
Kirk: Exactly! What does that mean?
Chief Grizzly: That it all points to Granny.
[After Granny's trophies are revealed in her closet, including her Triple-G tattoo on the back of her neck]
Granny: [beginning to tell her story] It's true, I'm not like other grannies. I never did like the quilting bees and the bingo parlors. I'd rather live life to the extreme!
[Granny is on the phone with Red]
Granny: A trip up the mountain is too dangerous for a little girl.
Red: I'm not so little anymore!
Granny: Please, dear, you just keep the recipes there and everything will be fine.
Red: But-
Granny: I have to go now. My program's on. Kisses. [blows air kisses and hangs up. The camera pulls back to show Granny is holding ski poles and wearing skis] Time to shred some powder!
P-Biggie: Yo, Triple-G! What's up, baby?
2-Tone: Granny! What's happening?
Granny: What up, my homies?
[Granny meets her teammates before the Xtreme Dream ski race]
Granny: Ooh, almost forgot. I made you kids some snicker-doodles.
[Everyone starts talking at once]
2-Tone: Yo!
P-Biggie: Tight! Oh yeah, snicker-doodles, snicker-doodles! Give it up, give it up!
2-Tone: Gimme one of those!
Zorra: Yeah, snicker-doodles. Those are my favorite.
2-Tone: Snickadeedoo!
[Everyone looks at 2-Tone blankly]
[Prior to the Xtreme Dream Snowsports Competition, Granny encounters Boingo]
Granny: Well, what's your name?
Boingo: Umm...just put, "To my biggest and cutest fan, Boingo." And then, like, put some X's and O's and a little smiley face.
[The skiers are lined up at the starting line]
Vincent: Oh, yeah.
Dolph: You be careful, Granny Puckett! Old ladies get hurt on these slopes!
Granny: Bring it, honey.
[Dolph is hanging Granny from a cliff]
Granny: Who do you work for?!
Dolph: I. Can't. Tell you that!
Granny: Young man, you tell me this instant!
Dolph: All right! [sniffles] We were hired by the bandit!
Granny: Who is the bandit?!
[Dolph growls, lets go of Granny, then pushes her off the cliff; Granny screams as she disappears into the fog]
Dolph: [pulls out his walkie-talkie and calls his boss] Granny is finished. Now we go after the little red-hooded girl.
[The camera zooms down to show Granny hanging onto a branch just out of sight]
Granny: [upon overhearing the conversation] Red!
[Granny has just revealed her secret sports life to the police. Red is giving a disgusted look at her]
Granny: Honey, don't look at your granny like that.
Red: I'm sorry, I thought you were Triple G! Or are you the bandit?
[Stunned silence]
Det. Stork: Awkward! [awkwardly side slips his way out of the room]
Granny: You're being ridiculous, Red.
Red: I'm being ridiculous?! You're off living...La Vida Loca, risking your life for some dumb thrills! And I'm supposed to stay home and be your happy little delivery girl?!
[Pause]
Tommy: I have a...
Flippers: Coffee break, anyone?
Chief Grizzly: Uh, yeah.
[Everyone starts for the door]
Det. Stork: Who's got my keys?
Raccoon Jerry: You think Granny would mind if I went through her garbage?
Chief Grizzly: Excuse us.
[Everyone, except Red and Granny, files out of the room]
Granny: I thought you were happy.
Red: Open your eyes. I've never even been outside of the forest. Don't you think I'd want more than that?
Granny: Of course you do. You're a Puckett.
Red: [sighs] I don't know what that means anymore. [takes off her red hood, drops it on the floor, and leaves the room]
[Granny sadly picks it up as she watches her granddaughter leave]
[As Red sits by a waterfall, she muses about her past. In one flashback, she finds a medal in a drawer]
Red: Huh, what's this?
Granny: Oh, it says "World's Greatest Grandma."
Red: Grandma, I can read. It says "Battle of the Iron Cage Gladiators."
[Black-and-white photos of Granny in a cage match are shown]
Flippers: It would seem that all of you came together tonight by mistake. [walks past dog typing notes] Maybe you naughty neighbors butted heads so we could get to the real truth.
Wolf: The Goody Bandit?
Flippers: That's right. The Bandit's still at large. There's been a lot of finger pointing tonight, but now all fingers point to the Bandit.
Kirk: Not my finger! [quickly puts index finger in mouth and starts sucking it]
Flippers: Oh no, you were just out damaging forest property, cutting down the redwoods we all call home. [Kirk starts spluttering] Big guy like you, you could probably take whatever you want from little goody-loving creatures, couldn't you?
Kirk: But someone robbed me! Have we lost track of that?
Flippers: That's right, someone did. Maybe a snack food competitor. Right, Granny?
Granny: Now hold on a pea-picking minute! I may lead a double life full of secrets and deception, but that's no reason to be suspicious.
Kirk: Huh?
Flippers: A woman like you could have a lot to gain stealing all those recipes.
Chief Grizzly: And that's how she makes her goodies so good! Eh?
Flippers: Or she could just be another victim...of a hungry Wolf.
Wolf: Ah, the wolf did it. Talk about profiling.
Flippers: Why should we trust someone who wears disguises for a living?
Chief Grizzly: Maybe he's not a wolf at all!
Wolf: You got me. I'm a poodle. I just haven't been to the barbershop in a long time.
Chief Grizzly: Is this all just a big joke to you?
Wolf: I just followed the girl here.
Granny: You leave my granddaughter alone!
Flippers: Yes, now we get to Little Red, the girl with the basket on the run. [camera points to empty chair] Where is she anyway?
Glen: I was just...
Chief Grizzly: Ohh, the recipes are gone!
[Flippers had deduced that Boingo the Bunny appeared in all 4 stories of Red, the Wolf, Kirk, and Granny]
Flippers: I believe that Boingo might be the Goody Bandit!
Wolf: [shocked] I knew it! Never trust a bunny!
Twitchy: Never trust a bunny!
Wolf: I can't believe I'm sayin' this, but...drink up. [gives Twitchy a full coffee mug] We may want...to stand back.
Twitchy: [sips the coffee. Seconds later, the sugar rush activates and he starts shaking wildly] YEE-HOO-HOO-HOO!!! WA-HOOOOO!!! CAFFEINE!!! YEAH, BABY!!! WHOOOOOOAAAAA!!!!
Wolf: Go get 'em, boy. [plucks the mug out of the air. Twitchy ricochets off several trees like a pinball, laughing maniacally, and then speeds away over the hill, so fast that he kicks up a long trail of dust behind him] What...have I done?
Granny: Now the rest is up to us!
Kirk: [sniffs] Can I have coffee?
[Boingo and Dolph arrive at the upper terminal and get off the tram; Boingo tosses Red's cloak on the car floor]
Dolph: I don't like it. The cops are all over the place.
Boingo: Forget about the cops! We've got everything we need right here!
Dolph: What about the old lady? She's alive. She'll be back.
Boingo: You just don't get it, do you, Dolph? I'm done! I'm done dancing for the man - The Muffin Man! And Granny! They can both take a hike! I'm never gonna answer to anyone ever again! [bursts out wailing, then cackles, then cries, all in a matter of seconds, then immediately sobers up] Oh! I just love my job! [he and Dolph start walking down the loading ramp] You see how it works, Dolph? You prioritize, you set your goals, you write a mission statement. You ask yourself, "Where do I see me in 5 years?"
Red: [from behind] How about behind bars?
Boingo: [freezes, turns, and sees Red standing at the bottom of the ramp, glaring at him] Red! Oh! Hey, Red! What are you-? You've spoiled the surprise!
Red: You're the bandit!
Boingo: [pause, looks at Lesa and Vincent, then back at Red] Surprise!
Red: I'm walkin' outta here with those recipes!
Boingo: [angered] Really?
Red: Yeah. [she and Boingo begin to face off] You're a bad bunny.
Boingo: Ohh! Somebody's finally catchin' up! Did ya think I followed you around on your little deliveries because I liked you?! [he and Red start fighting] Oh, you best be fearing the ear, baby. [they continue fighting] Is that all you got? [wraps his ear around Red and tosses her to the ground] Ha! You hit like a girl! [they continue fighting] Come on! And kablam! [knocks Red down; she is about to cry] Why don't you go home and cry to your granny?! Dolph, tie up the brat. Lesa, hold the book. Vincent, get the truck. And Keith...Darn it, Keith, change your name. please, that's not scary, and I'm embarrassed to say it. Boris, try that. [Keith leaves while groaning out of anger] Keith...You know...Oh, watch out for Keith!
[After Boingo finishes his song "Top of the Woods"]
Granny: Sweet tea and cookies! We've got to do something!
Wolf: I know. The song was catchy, but the choreography was terrible.
[Twitchy runs across the road, causing Chief Grizzly to swerve before straightening up the car again]
Flippers: Who taught you how to drive?
Chief Grizzly: Almost hit a squirrel!
[Twitchy is talking too fast]
Det. Stork: What is it, boy? Truck? Trouble at the mill? Is the barn on fire? The barn's on fire! The well! Timmy's stuck in the well!
Chief Grizzly: Wait! It's like he's speaking...words of some kind.
[Twitchy facepalms in frustration]
[Red is bound and gagged and being shoved on a air tram filled with dynamite. Muffled yells are heard through Red's gag]
Boingo: Hey, you're a delivery girl, right? Then could you do me a favor? Could you take this down the mountain? 'Cause it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight! [Red struggles through her gag] I'm sorry, what? I can't quite - with the - you've got something right there across your mouth! [laughs evilly and locks the doors as Red still muffle-yells through her gag]
[Scene changes to Wolf and Kirk, who is in Dolph's outfit and wearing a ski mask]
Wolf: You're an actor, right? So this is your big part. This is the role of a lifetime. Make them believe in you. Don't act like an evil henchman; be an evil henchman. Okay, you got it and you remember what you're gonna say, right?
Kirk: Right! [inside the cave, Boingo is just securing the cabin doors with a padlock when...] Uh, Mr. Rabbit?
Boingo: [turns to Kirk] Dolph! Where have you been?! You dimwitted Eurotrash with the, what is that, a ski mask?
Kirk: Uh, I, um, ja...
Boingo: I like that! See, that's scary. Yeah that's good. [turns his focus back to Red]
Kirk: Um, b-boss...
Boingo: [exploding with impatience] What?! Say it! Spit it out! What's goin' on?!
Kirk: Um...boss, uh, Paul's Bunion Cream has the soothing formula-
Wolf: [interrupts, dressed in utility worker's clothing] Hi there! What he means to say is that I'm the building inspector.
Kirk: Ja, yes!
Wolf: I just need to tap the pipes; see if your wiring's up to par.
Boingo: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it, you're not...no, you can't touch anything in here.
Wolf: [pauses] Let's walk. [walks with Boingo while Granny sneaks herself and climbs up the wall] Let me level with you, you're an evil genius, right?
Boingo: Well, I don't know if I'd say "genius," you know. I was asked to join Mensa.
Wolf: Well, you got yourself an evil lair in a mountain cave. That's standard, but see, most masters of evil that we deal with are up to evil genius code. Are you familiar with the code?
[Granny crawls up the ceiling, and hold onto the pipes]
Boingo: You know, I'm more of a do-it-yourself kind of guy. Yeah.
Wolf: I understand. Are you thinking about puttin' in a laser?
Boingo: I don't know. I don't...Do you think I should?
Wolf: Well, it's standard equipment for a cave lair. I'm not saying you're going to zap someone with it today, but you gotta think about the future. Those things have gotta be calibrated.
[While Granny is holding onto the pipes, the drop from her hairspray drips from her nose and onto the floor near Boingo]
Boingo: [stops himself and smells] I smell Hairspray. [looks up to Granny, who realizes that she's being seen]
[Twitchy fast-talk on the microphone of tape machine, and one of the officers rewinds the message in slow-mo Nicky Flippers can understand him]
Twitchy: [recorded slow normal voice] The criminal you are looking for cannot be found at the bottom of the mountain; he resides at the top in a cave fortress where my companions are trying to detain him.
[Boingo and his henchmen are being put in the police wagon]
Boingo: No no no no no, not prison!
Twitchy: Say parchessi! [takes a picture of Boingo]
Boingo: [while being taking away to prison] NOT PRISON! NOT FOR A CUTE LITTLE BUNNY RABBIT!
Granny: I guess I must have had my eyes shut pretty tight, not to see how fast you were growing up. You were really somethin' up there.
Red: [smiles] I take after my Granny.
[They hear the horn and see Kirk's schnitzel truck with caterpillar wheels running by]
Wolf: [waving] Hey, Red!
Kirk: [holding the recovered recipes] I've got the book! [accidentally crashed down another tree with his truck]
Flippers: [to the reporters] Let's just say that if a tree falls in the forest, you'll get three stories: yours, mine, and the tree's.
[Last lines; Red, Granny, Wolf, and Twitchy are at an outdoor bar]
Wolf: So, how 'bout that new delivery system?
Red: Well, it beats riding a bike, that's for sure.
[Cuts to Japeth riding a mine cart filled with goodies]
Japeth: [singing] Oh I've got horns to hold the muffins, and I've got horns to hold the pies....
[Cuts back to the bar]
Red: Hey, did you hear about Kirk? He finally made it. [holds out an album with Kirk's image on the cover, with the title "The Happy Yodelers - The Sound of Munich"] Hey, wanna come see the show with us?
Wolf: I'm allergic to yodeling.
Granny: Now, Wolfie.
[Flippers shows up at the bar]
Red: Mr. Flippers!
Flippers: I see you all got my message. Glad you could make it.
Granny: What's going on?
Flippers: Well, I was wondering if you'd like to come and work for me? I could use some fresh talent like you.
Wolf: What kind of work are we talking about?
Flippers: You'd be undercover, on impossible missions, to far away places. [hands a business card to Red] There's a lot of stories out there that need a happy ending. I'm part of a secret organization that makes sure that happens.
Red: "Happily Ever After Agency"?
Flippers: The woods don't go 'round by themselves.
Twitchy: [talking very fast] Yeah! Alright! Okay we fight the bad guys, we ride the ski boats, climb the walls, and swing the windows secret agent style. Right! Yeah!
Flippers: So what do you think?
Granny: Bring it, honey!
Red: [smiles] I always did like happy endings. [puts on her hood]

Taglines

[edit]
  • Trouble In The Hood.
  • Armed And Dangerously Dumb.
  • A Granny Who Kicks Fanny.
  • Red Riding Hood, The Woodsman, Granny, The Wolf. Not Your Typical Crime. Not Your Usual Suspects.
  • Warriors wasted a 3-1 lead to the cavs

Cast

[edit]
[edit]
Wikipedia
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