House (Season 3)

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House (2004-2012), created by David Shore, is about an irreverent, controversial, but successful doctor who trusts no one, least of all his patients.


Meaning (3.01)[edit]

[House has just run all the way from his home to the hospital]
Dr. Cuddy: Why did you...?
Dr. House: Why does a dog lick its workplace-acceptable euphemism for testicles?
Dr. Wilson: Because he can.

Dr. House: What about Stephen Hawking trying to do the 500 Butterfly?

Dr. Wilson: So if there's no diagnostic issue why are you taking the case?
Dr. House: ...Treatment can be interesting.
Dr. Wilson: Not to you.
Dr. House: I've changed.
Dr. Wilson: No you haven't.
Dr. House: [immediately] No I haven't.

Dr. House: I hope it was a suicide attempt. If he was trying to kill himself then he knows how miserable his life is, means there's still something there to kill. Means your dad's still there.

Dr. House: [leaning over the end of the patient's bed] Relax, I'm not going to burn you again. I'm going to [reveals needle] STAB YOU!

Dr. Cameron: We should give her a local.
Dr. House: That would defeat the point of me being nasty.

Dr. Chase: Had to relieve the pressure three times in the last two hours, so either we figure out what's causing blood to build up around her heart, or I follow her around with a needle for the rest of her life.

Dr. House: Would you like to get a drink?
Dr. Cameron: Are you .. are you serious or are you just trying to change the subject?
Dr. House: No I'm serious. I drink, you drink, we can do it at the same time, at the same table. Do you eat? We could do that too. Hey, if the answer's "no" that's cool, but...
Dr. Cameron: No, it's just... you're just coming off surgery and you're not yourself yet and I work for you and even though last year's... agh. You're smiling. I'm saying no and you're smiling.
Dr. House: Well don't take it personally, it's just cause you're full of crap. You have no interest in going out with me. Maybe you did when I couldn't walk, when I was a sick puppy that you could nurture back to health. Now that I'm healthy there's nothing in it for you.
Dr. Cameron: You are not healthy. Cuddy wants to see you.

Dr. Cuddy: You've been back at work 24 hours and you're already playing hide-and-seek in a woman's spine.
Dr. House: Who won the pool?

Dr. Wilson: You really don't give a crap, do you?
Dr. House: Does that make me evil?
Dr. Wilson: Yeah.

Dr. Wilson: The reason we crave meaning is because it makes us happy. The first level of happiness... [House walks away] I'm not going away.

Dr. Wilson: The fifth level of happiness involves creation, changing lives.
Dr. House: The sixth level is heroin, the seventh level is you going away.

Caren Krause: Scurvy?
Dr. Foreman: Yeah, drink.
Caren Krause: Like, like what sailors get when they don't eat right?
Dr. Foreman: Aye aye.

Arlene: I'm taking care of him for the same reason you helped us.
Dr. House: Some guy shot you and you hallucinated?

Dr. House: I don't remember you being this bitchy.
Dr. Wilson: The Vicodin dulled it. In the sober light of day, I'm a buzz-kill.

[House has just done a skateboard trick.]
Dr. House: Oh! I stuck that primo! How rad am I?!

Dr. Cameron: You're lucky he didn't die.
Dr. House: I'm lucky? He's the one who didn't die.

Dr. Cuddy: Twenty-four times a year you come storming into my office spouting that you can help someone. Only you never say those words. You say something like, "His pancreas is going to explode because his brain is on fire!"

Dr. House: Inject him with cortisol. The guy will have sex with his wife again! He'll hug his kid again! Hopefully that's the combination he was using... be a shame if I cured a pedophile.

Dr. Wilson: Just because he was right, doesn't mean he wasn't wrong.
Dr. Cuddy: I see him every day. I can't just —
Dr. Wilson: Everybody lies.

Cane and Able (3.02)[edit]

Dr. House: Is this an intervention? It's a little late, since I'm not using drugs anymore. I am, however, still hooked on phonics.
Dr. Cuddy: If you did your morning run and showered at home you'd be later than usual.
Dr. House: Thought of you in the shower.
Dr. Cuddy: How's your leg? You seem to be favouring your left side.
Dr. House: It was hanging down my right pant leg yesterday, makes all the difference in the world.

Dr. House: So, it's a UFO. Unidentified Flowing Orifice.

Dr. Chase: How could I screw up a simple bleeding-time test?
Dr. Foreman: Maybe you were abducted - lost time.

Dr. House: So you're saying Chase did screw up.
Dr. Chase: Or Foreman screwed up.
Dr. Foreman: Big hand points to minutes, maybe you got them mixed up.
Dr. House: Oh snap, Foreman is playing the dozens. You're at a huge cultural disadvantage here, Chase. Take a couple minutes to think of a witty retort.
[later]
Dr. Chase: Hey Foreman, your momma's so fat when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up.

Dr. Chase: House! Clancy's gone missing!
Dr. House: Oh, no! You take Alpha Centauri, Foreman can look on Tatooine, and Cameron can set up an intergalactic checkpoint. Let's pray he hasn't gone into hyperdrive--we'll never catch him.

Dr. House: Results came back. The lab cannot identify the metal. Said it might not even be terrestrial.
Dr. Chase: Really?
Dr. House: No, you idiot. It's titanium. Like from a surgical pin.

Richard: I want to have sex with my wife.
Dr. Cameron: Oh.
Richard: And I was hoping that maybe you could ...
Dr. Cameron: Viagra? You're here for Viagra?
Richard: A bucket full would be nice.

Dr. House: [crosses fingers] Tell me he's a mutant-human hybrid.

Dr. Cameron: Maybe he cheated.
Dr. Chase: Right, kids always cheat on their bleeding-time tests.
Dr. House: She was being metaphorical. She's trying to sound like me. [turns to Cameron] I have no idea what you meant, but [raises eyebrow] I could smell what The Rock was cooking.

Dr. House: I know I get worked up when I cut microchip tracking implants out of my neck.

Dr. House: Why don't I have high-def in my office? I'm a department head.

Dr. House: Foreman, you gotta steal this thing for me!
Dr. Foreman: :Let me ring up one of the homies.

Dr. House: I need a laser pointer.
Dr. Cameron: We don't have a laser pointer.
Dr. House: Well, why not? Who's going to take us seriously if we don't have a laser pointer?

Dr. House: Why do they bother putting age restrictions on these things when all you have to do is click "Yes, I am 18"? Even a 17 year old can figure that out.

Dr. Cuddy: What's going on with the leg?
Dr. House: First tell me what's going on with the boobs.
Dr. Cuddy: If you're feeling pain -
Dr. House: They're firmer.
Dr. Cuddy: It's called an underwire. I wanna get a PET scan of your brain.
Dr. House: I think it's hormones.
Dr. Cuddy: As long as there's no increased activity in the thalamus -
Dr. House: [out of the corner of his mouth] Looks to me like those puppies are going into the dairy business.
Dr. Cuddy: - then the pain can be good. It could be muscle regenerating. After you workout you get sore. Pain doesn't mean the ketamine failed.
Dr. House: Guess I should be saying "mazel tov". Who gets to pass out the cigars?
Dr. Cuddy: I'm not pregnant. I need to get a PET scan of your brain.
Dr. House: Is it a boy or a girl? You got a name picked out?
Dr. Cuddy: I'm not pregnant!
Dr. House: My leg doesn't hurt.
Dr. Cuddy: You're in denial.
Dr. House: No, I'm not! [scoffs] You got me.
Dr. House: [pager goes off while Cuddy is talking to him] Gotta go. [starts leaving, and stumbles after a few steps]
[Cuddy rushes over to help him]
Dr. House: [stands up] Ha.

Dr. Cameron: Is your leg hurting?
Dr. House: Is that question helping?
Dr. Cameron: You're leaning.
Dr. House: You're sitting.
Dr. Cameron: You're evading.
Dr. House: My head's hurting.

Dr. Cuddy: [about Cameron] She's not nearly as delightful as she thinks she is.

Dr. Wilson: You're just like any other patient: running away from knowledge that won't make you happy.
Dr. House: I'm as happy as a pig in poop.
Dr. Wilson: You're scared the ketamine treatment's wearing off. That it was just a torturous window to the good life.
Dr. House: What part of "poop" didn't you understand?

Todd: I thought you got it all!
Dr. Chase: Yeah, yell at me—that'll fix the kid.

Dr. House: (Talking to Cuddy's stomach as if she were pregnant) Oh, your mommy's in such trouble, she's such a liar... that's why you don't have a daddy, that's why she had to...

Stephanie: You're talking about brain surgery.
Dr. House: I'm talking about really cool brain surgery.

Clancy: So, I am kinda weird?
Dr. Chase: We're all kind of weird.

Dr. House: Can you believe what Cuddy tried to pull?
Dr. Wilson: What now?
Dr. House: She lied to me. She cured my patient with my diagnosis, then lied to me about it.
Dr. Wilson: That doesn't sound like her.
Dr. House: You're right. Does sound like you, though.
Dr. Wilson: What exactly did Cuddy tell you?
Dr. House: Nothing that your body language isn't telling me right now. So what was the plan? I'd feel so humble by missing a case that I'd re-evaluate my entire life, question the nature of truth and goodness and become Cameron?
Dr. Wilson: Something like that. More that if we'd told you the truth, that you'd solved a case based on absolutely no medical proof, you'd think you were God, and I was worried your wings would melt.
Dr. House: God doesn't limp.

Informed Consent (3.03)[edit]

[Cameron is staring at House at using his cane again]
Dr. House: What, my fly open?

Dr. Foreman: His heart rate's flat. If we don't get it past 130, we're not gonna see anything.
Dr. Chase: And if he falls and breaks a hip, we're not gonna see anything, either. Except an increase in our malpractice insurance.

Dr. House: Fresno, that's in France, right? Did you see the Parthenon?

Dr. Chase: [speaking about the patient] It's his call.
Dr. Foreman: So, what do we do? Put a plastic bag over his head and get it over with?

Dr. House: Come on, he's old, and sick, and tiny. We can do whatever we want to him.

Dr. Foreman: All of that in 24 hours?
Dr. House: Nah. Whatever you don't get done, you can finish at the autopsy.

Dr. House: [after his team has worked all night] Wow, you guys look like crap. What do you got?
Dr. Chase: Purple dye on my fingers.
Dr. House: What did the bone marrow biopsy show?
Dr. Foreman: Don't have the results.
Dr. House: What? What have you been doing all night?
Dr. Cameron: Jello shots and wild sex. What else?

Dr. House: Okay, next procedure: we sneak in, turn back the clock.

Powell: Dr. Chase said my calcium is normal.
Dr. House: We call him "Dr. Idiot".

Powell: Are you a man of your word, or not?
Dr. House: No, as a matter of fact, I'm not.

Powell: I've always wondered exactly what was on the other side.
Dr. House: Nothing.

Dr. House: Go, get to work. [turns away to look at MRI] Wait! [turns back and realizes no one has moved]

Dr. House: [to Cameron] You do know you can't actually pierce me with your stares?

Dr. Cameron: I can't do this. [She leaves]
Dr. House: Drama Queen.

Dr. House: I thought you were only supposed to put on a pound a week during your last trimester.
Dr. Cuddy: I'm not pregnant.

Dr. House: How right you are, Dr. Cuddy! We also don't pad our bills, swipe samples from the pharmacy, or fantasize about the teenage daughters of our patients, either.
Dr. Cuddy: True; better be true; and you're a pig.

Dr. House: Don't go towards the light! You'll fall and break your hip.

Dr. House: Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. [sticks his head under Powell's sheet]

Dr. House: What's the largest organ?
Dr. Chase: Skin.
Dr. House: We need to get a piece.
Dr. Foreman: Sure, we'll just wait until he leaves his room without his skin, sneak in and take a piece.

Dr. Foreman: How the hell did you pull that out of...
Dr. House: Not out of mine. I had a muse.

Dr. House: [to Cameron, after she killed Powell] I'm proud of you.

Lines in the Sand (3.04)[edit]

Dr. House: Stool sample to check for parasites, blood culture to rule out infection, and ANA for lupus.
Dr. Cameron: Because he screamed?
Dr. Chase: It could also be an environmental reaction... an allergy, dust, weed, pollen, a toxin, something he ate...
Dr. House: Check the house and run a lung ventilation scan... lungs are in the chest too, right?
Dr. Foreman: I had a date last night. She screamed. Should we spend $100,000 testing her?
Dr. House: Of course not... this isn't a veterinary hospital. ZING!

[House bursts into Cuddy's office while she's on the phone]
Dr. House: I want my old carpet back.
Dr. Cuddy: [into the phone] Uh, we're gonna have to do this later. [Glares at House] A kid in the clinic had an accident. [hangs up] Generally, when people are on the phone…
Dr. House: I want my old carpet back.
Dr. Cuddy: It was stained with blood.
Dr. House: Yeah. My blood. Which makes the carpet part of me. I want it back. I want to be buried with it.
Dr. Cuddy: You think you can get me to do anything you want, regardless of how stupid it is?
Dr. House: It's my office! It's where I work, where I think, where I save lives, allowing you to brag to rich people so they'll give you more money to spend on MRIs and low-cut tops. I want it back the way it was.
Dr. Cuddy: It's identical to the old carpet. Except without the hazardous biological waste.
Dr. House: I shall not return to my office until every patented durable micro-fiber has been restored to its rightful place.
Dr. Cuddy: [Sarcastic] Inspiring. If you won't work in your office, work in the clinic. You don't want to work in the clinic, go home, and don't get paid.
[House starts hitting his cane loudly against the floor]
Dr. House: Attica! Attica! Attica! Attica! Attica!
[Cuddy just stares at House]
Dr. House: Attica?

Dr. Chase: It's funny. You get a normal kid, the parent works. You get a special kid that costs more, you quit and turn the backyard into a therapy circuit.
Dr. Cameron: Yes, if only you were handicapped. All the good times you could have had with Dad.

Dr. House: Exactly when did New Jersey run out of horny 17 year-old boys?
Ali: About 5 weeks ago? It's been very lonely.

Dr. Cuddy: Is this your master plan? Disrupt hospital business until I replace your carpet?
Dr. House: Devious, saw it in a James Bond movie.

Dr. House: Go up his rear and get a smear. Which reminds me, I kinda feel like a bagel.

Dr. Cuddy: House, she's a stalker.
Dr. House: Right. Couldn't be that she find me interesting, attractive...it has to be she is insane...
Dr. Cuddy: She has called fifteen times! Your mother is not that interested in you.
Dr. House: Well, maybe I would be better adjusted if she was.
Dr. Cuddy: I'm notifying security.
Dr. House: Is this about the carpet? Think I'll back off if you block all my fun?
Dr. Cuddy: You better not be having fun.
Dr. House: I'm having fun. And I'm having sex.
Dr. Cuddy: She's dangerous.
Dr. House: She's not dangerous.
Dr. Cuddy: She's pretty.
Dr. House: She's pretty.
Dr. Cuddy: [sighs] Men are stupid.
Dr. House: I'm with you so far.
Dr. Cuddy: I'm notifying security. [walks away]
Dr. House: Oh give her a break, she is not dangerous, she is... insightful. [Cuddy enters a crowded conference room]
Dr. House: YOU CAN'T STOP OUR LOVE!

[House tries to sedate the flailing autistic patient]
Dr. House: Hey hey hey hey! [inhales from the oxygen mask]
Dr. Wilson: Out of Vicodin? [House gives him a look]
Patient's Mother: What're you doing?
Dr. House: [Under effects of sedative] Eating the red berries.
[House inhales and puts the mask on the child who complies and passes out]
Sarah: He trusted you.
Dr. House: No, that wasn't trust. That was self-preservation.
Dominic: No... That was huge. It was like a conversation.
Dr. House: A monkey's. (gets up and hits head) Monkey's afraid to eat the red berries until he sees another monkey eat them. Monkey see, monkey do. It's all it was. The kid's still just as messed up as when he admitted him. [stumbles away]

Dr. Cameron: Is it so wrong for them to want to have a normal child? It's normal to want to be normal.
Dr. House: Spoken like a true circle queen. See, skinny, socially-privileged white people get to draw this neat little circle. And everyone inside the circle is "normal". Anyone outside the circle should be beaten, broken and reset so that they can be brought into the circle. Failing that, they should be institutionalized. Or worse - Pitied.
Dr. Cameron: So it's wrong to feel sorry for this little boy?
Dr. House: Why would you feel sorry for someone that gets to opt out of the inane courteous formalities which are utterly meaningless, insincere and therefore degrading? This kid doesn't have to pretend to be interested in your back pain, or your excretions or your grandma's itchy place. Imagine how liberating it would be to live a life free of all the mind-numbing social niceties. I don't pity this kid - I envy him.

[Ali, House's 'stalker', has just left, but not before glancing over her shoulder at House and smiling. House turns to Cuddy]
Dr. House: After that look, I'm feeling a little frisky, looks like you're up.
Dr. Cuddy: I'm ovulating, let's go.
Dr. House: The frisky, it went away.
Dr. Cuddy: House, this isn't a game.
[Starts to walk away]
Dr. House: If I leave her alone, can I have my carpet back?
Dr. Cuddy: No.
Dr. House: If I forget about my carpet, can I have her?

Dr. House Why can't you be more like the other age-inappropriate girls who have a thing for me? Just accept me for me.

Dr. House: [in a southern accent] Come on in, brothers and sister! Welcome to the house of the Lord!
Dr. Cameron: House, come on, the chapel?
Dr. House: We have been blessed with the miracle of a new symptom. Brother, can you testify as to why this poor child's eyeball rolled back into his head?
Dr. Chase: It's consistent with jimsonweed poisoning -- ocular paralysis.
[A man sitting in the pew gets up and leaves]
Dr. Chase: [whispering] I'm sorry.
Dr. House: The wicked shall deceive ye, because they have turned from the Lord and are idiots. His ocular muscle didn't paralyze. It pirouetted.
Dr. Cameron: MS…
Dr. House: It is easier for a wise man to gain access to heaven…
Dr. Cameron: Can you stop that? Just say not MS!

Dr. Foreman: Unless you have a better idea, I'm gonna go CT his head. And then, if -- if I have to, remove his eye.
Dr. House: You remove this kid's eye, he's only gonna be half as good at not making eye contact.

Dr. Cuddy: I have sad news for you: She doesn't love you.
Dr. House: You're ugly when you're jealous.
Dr. Cuddy: She showed up at my house last night—came on to me.
Dr. House: She's even more perfect than I thought.
Dr. Cuddy: House. She's sick.
[Cuddy sits down next to House]
Dr. House: You say "sick", I say "freestylin'".
Dr. Cuddy: The girl will have sex with an invertebrate.
Dr. House: Come on. You're not that bad.
Dr. Cuddy: She has a problem. You're not doing her any favors by indulging her.
Dr. House: Why would you lie like this? Do you not have room in your heart for love?
Dr. Cuddy: You don't believe me.
Dr. House: I didn't believe the kids when they said that Susie was sleeping with Johnny. I didn't believe them then, I don't believe them now. I don't care that Susie married Johnny -- she's mine.
Dr. Cuddy: She has a mole on her right breast, just below the nipple.
Dr. House: No, she doesn't.
Dr. Cuddy: You've seen her breasts?!
Dr. House: It was a medical exam. I was listening to her heart. It went "Greg-House, Greg-House, Greg-House".
Dr. Cuddy: Fine, I'm lying. [she stands up] But she did come back. She's locked up in my office. I was hoping you could talk to her. Put an end to this. [turns and leaves]

Dr. House: Listen to me. Do you have any idea what you'd have to look forward to if you stayed with me? Nine chances out of ten, we'd both end up in jail.
Ali: You're only saying that to make me go.
Dr. House: I'm saying it 'cause it's true. Inside of us, we both know that you belong with Victor.
[Ali looks confused]
Dr. House: Is there a Victor in your class?
[Ali shakes her head]
Dr. House: If you're not with someone your age, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.
Ali: What about us?
Dr. House: We'll always have Fresno. I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of two little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. (Ali looks at House) Someday you'll understand that. (Ali starts to cry) Now now, here's looking at you.

[House bursts into operating room]
Dr. House: Hey! Don't touch his eye!
Surgeon: This is an appendectomy.
Dr. House: [taken aback but unable to admit his error] Like I said, don't touch his eye.

[Dr. Wilson enters Dr. Cuddy's office with a book on his hands]
Dr. Wilson: I'm going to read you something. "Asperger Syndrome is a mild and rare form of Autism. It's typically characterized by difficulty establishing friendships and playing with peers, trouble accepting conventional social rules and they dislike any change in setting or routine." Or broadloom. It doesn't say that last part, but you get my point.
Dr. Cuddy: House doesn't have Asperger's. The diagnosis is much simpler, he's a jerk.

Dr. House: First tongue kiss, an 8 on the happiness scale. Child being snatched back from the break of death, it's a 10. But they're clocking in a very tepid 6.5, because they know what they have to go back to.
Dominic: Hey, listen... Thanks.
Sarah: You saved his life.
Dr. House: Yeah, I know. See ya.
[Autistic patient walks by, then comes back, stands in front of House and hands him his PSP. He then makes direct-eye contact with House for several seconds. Patient's parents congratulate him.]
Dominic: That was so cool.
Dr. House: …
Dr. Wilson: [Touched by what happened] That was a 10.

Dr. Cameron: All change is bad. It's not true you know.

Fools for Love (3.05)[edit]

Dr. House: You seen her here before?
Dr. Cameron: A couple of times. I tried following her home, but she gave me the slip.

Dr. House: If he's not hitting that, why is she here?
Dr. Cameron: Because I'm hitting that, and it's totally hot.

Dr. House: So it's just a coincidence that they both got crippling stomach pains? Wow, they really are a great couple, so much in common.

Dr. House: Infectious or environmental...all we have to do is check out parasites, viruses, bacteria, fungi, prions, radiation, toxins, chemicals, or it's Internet porn related. I'll check the Internet, you guys cover the rest of the stuff.

Dr. House:There's a reason we don't let kids vote, or drink, or work in salt mines. They're idiots! Twenty year olds fall in and out of love more often than they change their oil filters. Which they should do more often.

Dr. House: Any of your shorties ever been whities?
Dr. Foreman: Not sure I understand your ghetto slang, Dr. House. How many black women have you dated, by the way?
Dr. House: I don't care about color, as long as they can help me breed a superior race.
Dr. Foreman: My exes have usually been black, so what? It's not a racial thing, it's cultural. I have more in common with them, like, I assume you only date emotionally stunted bigots.

Dr. Cuddy: Pay attention to me!
Dr. House: Sorry, that would make it harder to ignore you.

Dr. Wilson: If this is more dating advice…
Dr. House: Love to gossip, but I've got work to do. Is this sarcoidosis?
Dr. Wilson: It’s pretty nonspecific. Could be granulomas, could be plaques. What's this? Oh, oh, you stole Wendy's personnel file?!
Dr. House: In a way, aren't we all guilty of bribing the janitor of taking her file and giving it to me? Yes, I take my share of the blame, but society’s also –

Dr. Wilson: Your real fear is me having a good relationship.
Dr. House: Yes, it keeps me up at night. That and the Loch Ness Monster, global warming, evolution, other fictional concepts.

Dr. Cuddy: I'm sure the guardian will figure that out.
Dr. House: In a couple days! Will the guardian convince the disease to hold off eating her brain until we can get the legalities worked out?

Dr. Wilson: I didn't screw up! I did my job!
Dr. House: Your job is to get me the biopsy!
Dr. Wilson: No, it's to present the patient with his options.
Dr. House: Two options: biopsy or no biopsy. He chose the third: no treatment! How do you even do that!?

Dr. Chase: Cameron and Foreman are too ethical and I'm too scared of getting sued.

Dr. House: Dude. She's in a coma. Who are you trying to impress?

Michael Tritter: I don't wanna sue you.
Dr. House: Good.
Michael Tritter: I want to beat the crap out of you.
Dr. House: Less good.

Dr. Foreman: He wasn't cheating on her.
Dr. House: Yeah, love of his life. Don't you have to wait till he's dead before you make that determination?
Dr. Foreman: She's his only girl friend ever. They grew up next door, ran off together as teenagers. Sarcoidosis. We only ruled it out because we thought he has ischemic…
Dr. House: [Cuts Forman off] Why did they run off?
Dr. Cameron: What difference does…
Dr. House: [Cuts Cameron off] Kids talk about running off. How many do it? What was the reason?
Dr. Foreman: They were trying to escape his evil, pill-poping, racist dad. You would have liked him.

Que Sera Sera (3.06)[edit]

Dr. House: [to Wilson, as they enter his car after he is bailed out of jail] Does Salma Hayek live in Mexico or Spain?

Dr. House: Start treating Jabba for Pickwicken Syndrome. His 96 double Zs are probably putting pressure on his chest and suffocating him.
Dr. Foreman: His CO2 and oxygen stats are normal.
Dr. House: For you and me, what's normal for a hippopotamus? Get a detailed medical history.
Dr. Cameron: From who? He was bought in alone.
Dr. Chase: And I doubt a guy who weighs 600 pounds bothers with annual physicals.
Dr. House: Talk to the neighbors, search the house, lets see what Shamu's been up to besides eating. This conversation is over because I've officially run out of clever things to call the guy.

[A patient has pain in his arm after he has slept on top of it all night. House suggests surgery.]
John: You want to remove my arm?
Dr. House: Well, it is your left, but a guy has got to sleep.
John: Are you insane?

Dr. Cameron: [about Tritter] Who's that?
Dr. House: Apparently, Cuddy's widened her sperm donor search to include Neanderthals.
Dr. Foreman: [speaks in disbelief] Cuddy's looking for a sperm donor?
Dr. House: It was a joke. Like Cuddy would ever want a kid. Or a kid would ever want Cuddy. HELLO, that's why it's funny!

[Dr. Cameron went to patient's house]
Dr. House: What you find out?
Dr. Cameron: That you and George have the same taste in home furnishing and women.
Dr. House: Danish modern and Russian gymnasts?
Dr. Cameron: Pianos and prostitutes.

[About getting the patient on the MRI machine]
Dr. Cameron: The weight limit's obviously just an estimation, its not like it can hold 450 pounds fine and it'll instantly collapse at 451.
Dr. Chase: He's not one pound over, he's a 150 pounds over.
Dr. Cameron: I don't care, he still deserves the same standard of care as anyone else.
Dr. Foreman: And you believe the machine will stand on principle?

Dr. House: Kids these days. Got no respect for other people's property.

Dr. House: [To Dr. Wilson] It's probably her mom. I bet she's huge. She's from the Midwest. Since when do you eat beets?

Dr. Wilson: From what I hear the patient reminds her of you, not me. Call the lawyer.
Dr. House: Cameron sees a clump of dirt and she thinks of me.
Dr. Wilson: Or a lump of something else.

Dr. House: You say "no way", I say… [long pause] Yeah, no way.

Dr. Foreman: [On George, the extremely obese patient] He wants to be discharged.
Dr. House: Oh right, places to go, people to eat.

Dr. Wilson: [About George] Selectively rational, stubborn, uncooperative. Maybe you ought to check his leg.
Dr. House: [Guffaws] Did you see what he did there? The patient's like me! The patient's... three mes!

George: You must be Dr. House.
Dr. House: And you must be full of bologna. Lot of it.
George: Right! Fat joke! Always fun, the only people you can still make fun of.
Dr. House: And Christians. Oh, and black people.

Dr. House: Let's see, your stomach has deep seeded feelings of abandonment written all over it, which points toward sexual abuse, though fear of hospitals that points to a more specific traumatic event, so I'm gonna say: your mom, in a hospital with a candlestick, and by candlestick of course I mean inherited OTC deficiency.

Dr. House: Where's Chase?
Dr. Cameron: Dunno, haven't seen him since you told him to sit on his ass yesterday.
Dr. House: Interesting.

Son of Coma Guy (3.07)[edit]

Dr. Chase: Genetic tests take forever, you can't just keep testing for every inherited condition you think it might be.
Dr. House: Well not me, I'll be leaving early, but you guys can.

Dr. Cuddy: : Put down the syringe.
Dr. House: : I can outdraw you, mysterious stranger.

Dr. House: Quick! What's the kid's status? I gotta get back to our sleeper before he goes looking for the Orgasmatron.

Gabriel: [whilst holding up an iPod to show to House and Wilson] What's this? It says ipp-odd.

Gabriel: You know what? I didn't let you come along so you could suck all the fun out of my one day of life.
Dr. House: Well, you're out of luck, 'cause that's totally why I'm here.

Dr. Wilson: I'm curious..
Dr. House: [interrupting] No, you're not!

Dr. House: Only six left, by the way.
Dr. Wilson: So sign my name. You don't need a doctor, you need a pen!
Gabriel: What is up with you two?
Dr. House: Wilson lied to the bulls to keep me out of the big house.
Dr. Wilson: Are you out of your mind?
Dr. House: Well, who's he gonna tell? By tomorrow night he's gonna be a mindless stalk of celery.

Dr. Wilson: If your son does have mercury poisoning, there's a good chance he'll respond to the chelation. You might be able to have a few minutes with him before you lapse...
Gabriel: [turns around, upset] Why are you so concerned about me?
[Wilson gives up]
Dr. House: Deep inside, Wilson believes if he cares enough, he'll never have to die.

Dr. Wilson: Why steal my pad?
Dr. House: [mockingly] Oh my God! You're right! I'm an addict, thanks for opening my eyes.
Dr. Wilson: No, I mean why my pad. Foreman, Cameron, and Chase's pads are just as convenient, but their association with you is involuntary. They're employees. I associate with you through choice, and any relationship that involves choice, you have to see how far you can push before it breaks.
Dr. House: This is easy. You ask the questions, answer them, and make tasty snacks. Let's go try the casino.
Dr. Wilson: And one day our friendship will break, and that will just prove your theory that relationships are conditional, and you don't need human connection or deserve it or whatever goes on in that rat-maze of your brain.
Dr. House: [to patient] Sorry, if I had known he was going to be this annoying, I would have stolen Dr. Cameron's pad and Dr. Foreman's car. At least she appreciates my brooding melancholy.
Dr. House: [cellphone rings, he answers] House's house of whining, state your complaint!

Dr. House: [explaining why he became a doctor] When I was 14, my father was stationed in Japan. I went rock climbing with this kid from school. He fell and got injured, and I had to bring him to the hospital. We came in through the wrong entrance, and passed this guy in the hall. He was a janitor. My friend came down with an infection, and the doctors didn't know what to do. So they brought in the janitor. He was a doctor. And a Buraku - one of Japan's untouchables. His ancestors had been slaughterers, gravediggers. And this guy he knew that he wasn't accepted by the staff, didn't even try. He didn't dress well. He didn't pretend to be one of them. People around that place didn't think he had anything they wanted, except when they needed him - because he was right, which meant that nothing else mattered. And they had to listen to him.

Dr. House: Wilson, get out.
Dr. Wilson: No.
Dr. House: You've lied enough to the cops for me.
[Wilson looks hesitating]
Dr. House: ... Maybe I don't want to push this till it breaks.

Gabriel: I wouldn't get to see him, even if we got in the car right now and broke the speed limit driving back, would I?
Dr. House: No.
Gabriel: Tell him... [pauses, at a loss for words] I don't know what to tell him. I think it's my turn to ask a question, isn't it?
Dr. House: I don't think so, you just asked me that thing about the speed limit. What do you want to know?
Gabriel: If you could hear one thing from your father, what would it be?
Dr. House: It wouldn't help you.
Gabriel: Try me.
Dr. House: I'd want him to say, "You were right. You did the right thing."
Gabriel: Yeah, it doesn't help.

Dr. Wilson: I don't think my enabling is something you should be complaining about.

Whac-A-Mole (3.08)[edit]

Dr. Foreman [to House]: What are you writing?
Dr. House [while writing]: Nothing.
Dr. Chase: If you know the diagnosis, why don't you...?
Dr. House: [finishes writing and sits back upright] How are you gonna learn to swim unless I take off your floaties and throw you into shark-infested waters? [licks the envelope]
Dr. Cameron: You can't know what's wrong after a 30 second perusal of his file.
Dr. House: Apparently you can't. Now what's a game without rules? Uhh, no tagbacks, no biting, you get one test each and the clock runs until lunch. [writes something on the envelope, gets up, and goes over to the whiteboard] If I'm right, he'll still be alive. If I'm wrong, this is a very cruel game. [he uses a magnetic paperclip container to hold the envelope in place. On the envelope is written "THE GAME IS A ITCHY FOOT."]

[Dr. Wilson arrives at his lawyer's office]
Dr. Wilson's Lawyer: You're late. I charge from the time you're supposed to be here.
Dr. Wilson: Tritter towed my car. He's frozen my assets. He's on a crusade.
Dr. Wilson's Lawyer: [opens his briefcase] You're a person-of-interest in a narcotics investigation. You're linked to their suspect and his activities.
Dr. Wilson: I'm not Pablo Escobar's evil henchman cruising into Miami in a cigarette boat. I'm a physician who prescribed Vicodin to a pain patient.
Dr. Wilson's Lawyer: This police report you faxed me, says they found six hundred pills in his apartment. You prescribe those?
Dr. Wilson: He's in chronic pain. This is obviously an abuse of power.
Dr. Wilson's Lawyer: Is that a yes or a no?
Dr. Wilson: Patients build up a tolerance over the years...
Dr. Wilson's Lawyer: Perfect motive for him to forge those scrips. Still don't have an answer.
Dr. Wilson: What, are we like role-playing?
Dr. Wilson's Lawyer: [packs his briefcase] Yeah. And you suck at it. Which is really unfortunate, because you're pretending to be you. I gotta get to court.
Dr. Wilson: Michael told me you could help me get my car back.
Dr. Wilson's Lawyer: Yeah... divorce lawyers usually know the ins and outs of drug enforcement. You want your car back? You're gonna have to give the cops what they want.
Dr. Wilson: Thanks. Usually people feel helpless in these situations.
Dr. Wilson's Lawyer: Dr. House is probably going to jail. You keep on lying for him, you'll go right along with him.

Dr. Chase: House was on this page when he got that annoying "I'm-such-a-genius" look.

Dr. Cameron: We're all playing his game; might as well enjoy it.

Dr. House: [to the patient's little brother] Can I be your imaginary friend?

Dr. House: [To Dr. Foreman] Or we could just make small talk. You still seeing that nurse in peds? I just don't think she's right for you, you need someone detached, calculating, ambitious, you need yourself in a skirt.

Dr. House [to Cameron after she tries to stress out Jack]: Can't you see his heart is fine?! Stop torturing him! What kind of doctor are you?

Dr. House [to his team]: Why so sad? Still a chance that Chase got it right. [holds up the test result sheet and pretends to look at it] Ohh! That was suspenseful for about two seconds.

Dr. Wilson [to House]: The DEA just revoked my prescription privileges.
Dr. House: But who's gonna prescribe my Vicodin?
Dr. Wilson: Yes, well, that's why I'm here. This is a disaster for you.
Dr. House: Relax. Tritter's just getting desperate. He's got no real evidence, he's trying to squeeze you into ratting.
Dr. Wilson: I'm not gonna let him squeeze my patients.
Dr. House: They'll be fine. Also your cancer medicine sucks anyway.

Dr. Cameron [reading the envelope]: "Chase: Blood test for bacteria. Foreman: MRI, too stubborn to check the lungs. Cameron: nice try, no spasm."

Jack: But the princess sat, and sat, and sat, pretending not to listen, pretending to write in her journal with the flowers on it, pretending she didn't like stories about 8-year olds that saved the world.
Kama: I'm 11.
Jack: Which is why you can no longer save the world.

Dr. Cameron: You okay?
Dr. House: Hurt my shoulder playing fantasy football.

[Dr. House is talking to Dr. Chase in his office]
Dr. House: The amount of vomiting that kid did, wouldn't be enough toxins left in his system to show up in his blood. Since he vomited in the toilet here, instead of on somebody, that restaurant's our only source of essential vomit.
Dr. Chase: And you couldn't say that in front of Foreman?
Dr. House: No. I couldn't say this in front of Foreman. [pulls out his near-empty Vicodin bottle] I need a refill.
Dr. Chase: Detective Tritter knows about the scrips I wrote before.
Dr. House: Exactly. You stop now, it'll look suspicious.
Dr. Chase: Does anyone fall for that argument?
Dr. House: Write the scrip.
Dr. Chase [in a firm tone]: No.
Dr. House: One prescription isn't gonna...
Dr. Chase: We both know it's not gonna be just one. I'd rather lose my job than lose my license.

Dr. Cameron: These are gonna be my prescriptions.
Dr. Wilson: They're my patients. My prescriptions.
Dr. Cameron: My name! That Tritter will read on the scrip. He wants to make you miserable, you don't think he's gonna ask questions?

Dr. Cameron: Nice cane.
Dr. House: If I know what you mean.. [winks]

Dr. House: I think this game is rigged.

Dr. Chase You want us to starve him, so we can drive him into another seizure, maybe a heart attack, just so we can run another tox screen?
Dr. House: That'd be cruel. Just sweat it out of him.

Dr. Cameron [to House as she gives him a bottle of pills]: This'll tide you over. Takes the edge of my PMS. Do wonders for you.

Dr. House: He's teaching prepubescent kids that truth matters, God doesn't, and life sucks. I like him.

Dr. House: [to Cuddy] Okay, fine, I'll father your child, but first you got to write me a Vicodin prescription. Just so I can get through the foreplay.

Dr. Cuddy: You can't lift your arm.
Dr. House: You can't pee standing up.

Dr. House: [sighs] Our kid's immune system has a factory defect. It's genetic.
Dr. Cameron: It can't be genetic. He would've been getting infections since he was an infant.
Dr. House: Not if he grew up in a bubble.
Dr. Chase: Or if he grew up on Mars. No germs there either.

Dr. Foreman: Noble.
Dr. House: Moronic. [Foreman looks at him] It's a synonym.

Dr. House: Wanna go throw stuff on people off the balcony? [Dr. Wilson ignores him] C'mon, mail can wait.
Dr. Wilson: I'm referring my patients to other oncologists. I'm shutting down my practice.
Dr. House: Oh, good. I was afraid you'd overreact.
Dr. Wilson: [angrily] I can't just ask my patients to wait because Dr. Cameron's boss won't let her come out and play!
Dr. House: Kept you waiting for maybe an hour.
Dr. Wilson: [yells] Three hours!
Dr. House: Anybody die?
Dr. Wilson: Not this time!
Dr. House: Well, Cameron's available now. Use her all you want. [sits on the couch]
Dr. Wilson: Oh, so now's a better time for me to have my life taken away if it fits into your schedule better?
Dr. House: Oh, poor you. Think if you suffer loudly enough...
Dr. Wilson: [screams] YOU COMMITTED A CRIME!
Dr. House: What do you want me to do? Turn myself in?
Dr. Wilson: YES! YES! Do something! Go in! Show some remorse! Tell Tritter you'll get some help!
Dr. House: I don't need help.
Dr. Wilson: House, get out of here. Get out of here.
Dr. House: You're not gonna make me feel guilty about what Tritter is doing to us. [gets up to leave]
Dr. Wilson: [laughs] You already feel guilty. Your serious shoulder pain isn't coming from your cane, it's coming from your conscience, and that used to be enough. Despite all your smart-ass remarks, I knew you gave a damn. This time, you were either gonna help me through this or you weren't. And I got my answer. [House leaves and Wilson continues working]

Finding Judas (3.09)[edit]

[House has been "targeting" Dr. Cuddy with a laser pointer]
Dr. Cuddy: I'm sitting in there hoping it's a sniper because at least then the sociopath isn't my employee.
Dr. House: This baby won me second place in the clinic's weekly "Weirdest Thing Pulled Out of an Orifice" contest.
Dr. Cuddy: [Putting a little bit of space between her fingers] I am this close to putting a new lab in oncology.
Dr. House: You do not want to know what came in first.
Dr. Cuddy: House…
Dr. House: Rhymes with "fucchini."

Dr. House: But I hurt in an unreasonable way.
Dr. Cuddy: Then dip into your secret stash.
Dr. House: Tritter took it.
Dr. Cuddy: Then move on to your secret, secret stash.
Dr. House: I ran out.
Dr. Cuddy: Then move on to your secret, secret, secret stash!

Dr. Foreman: You stash your drugs in a lupus textbook?
Dr. House: It's never lupus.

Dr. Foreman: [to Dr. Chase] You might want to wait until he actually tells us his theory before you start kissing his theory's ass.
Dr. House: My theory is, vanishing gallstone. She had it, and it passed, those things travel in packs, rest of them are probably hiding out in her gallbladder. Do an ultrasound, if I'm right take out the organ so we can analyze the stones.
[Dr. Cameron, Dr. Chase and Dr. Foreman leave the room.]
Dr. Chase: I wasn't kissing his ass.
Dr. Foreman: It must've just looked that way from our angle; you on your knees... House bending over...

Dr. Cuddy: [to Tritter] My head of Oncology had to shut down. My entire staff are afraid to make a move without covering their ass.
Tritter: I think you're angry at the wrong person.
Dr. Cuddy: You think Dr. Wilson deserved to have his assets seized? His entire practice ruined?
Tritter: No.
Dr. Cuddy: So, you just don't care?
Tritter: This is how I get what I want. I put pressure... on people, and if it doesn't work on Wilson, it'll work on you.
Dr. Cuddy: You punish the innocent.
Tritter: None of you are innocent. Not one of you, not one of you has told me the truth about Dr. House.
Dr. Cuddy: The pills allow him to cope with the pain.
Tritter: No, the pills distort reality. He is an addict.
Dr. Cuddy: He's not out robbing a liquor store or...
Tritter: No, he's treating people. He needs to find a different way to cope before he kills somebody, if he hasn't done that already.
Dr. Cuddy: If you're right, he has a medical problem. It should be dealt with by doctors, not by the...!
Tritter: Well, it's not being dealt with by doctors, doctors are covering it up. The whole point of the criminal justice system is to make things right when everything else fails. With all due respect, you have failed.

Dr. House (to Alice's parents): Sorry, didn't know you wanted your kid dead. Although for a couple of G's, I can still make it happen.
Rob: Who the hell are you?
Dr. House: I am a complete stranger who apparently cares more about whether your kid dies than you do.
Edie: You're Dr. House.
Dr. House: You've seen my stage show.

Edie: You're the doctor, I'm the mother, I outrank you. Live with it.

[at the court]
Judge: I've read the file. You've got fifteen minutes.
Dr. House: It's people like this who killed Copernicus.
Judge: Galileo.
Dr. House: Either way.
Judge: And they just locked Galileo up.
Dr. House: They killed his spirit. Nobody likes a show-off. Luckily, Alice Hartman has a dad who's willing to see reason.
Judge: Reason as defined by slavishly deferring to you.
Dr. House: Their doctor.
Edie: Your Honor, I've had no opportunity to consult my attorney.
Dr. House: There's no time.
Edie: All I want is a second opinion before —
Dr. House: No time!
Judge: Your testimony is their child will die if I don't grant this motion right now.
Dr. House: Am I under oath?
Judge: Let's say yes.
Dr. House: My testimony is that this child might die if you don't grant this motion right now.
Judge: Literally no time for a second opinion.
Dr. House: Wouldn't be as good as the first opinion.
Judge: Dr. Cuddy, what do you think?
Dr. House: [Before Cuddy can answer] She's not a specialist in this area. Her opinion is worthless.
Judge: Dr. Cuddy, what do you think of Dr. House? Is he as big a jerk as I think he is?
Dr. Cuddy: Bigger. But he knows what he's talking about.

Dr. House: This is my office, I'm talking, there are people here who work for me, but not listening. Explain this to me.
Dr. Foreman: Tritter froze my account. They're checking theirs. I'm on hold with a lawyer.
Dr. House: [takes Foreman's cell phone, turns it off, and tosses it on the table] Call Wilson's lawyer. He'll tell you exactly how and why you're screwed. This kid has no history of allergies.
Dr. Foreman: [shouting] You gotta talk to Tritter. You gotta make this go away!
Dr. Chase: [sarcastically] Yeah, great plan! The man's obviously open to reason.

Dr. House: [to Dr. Cameron and Dr. Foreman] Bullies bully. They don't get a reaction, they lose interest. Now go do what I ask before I stick your heads in toilets.

[House is back at the court]
Dr. House: ... Luckily, Alice Hartman has a mom who is willing to see reason.
Judge: You were in here yesterday telling me her father's guardianship was best for her.
Dr. House: I honestly figured I'd get a different judge today.
Judge: You agree with Dr. House now.
Edie: Now my kid actually is sick.
Rob: She was sick yesterday.
Edie: Her pediatrician doesn't know what's wrong with her, says Dr. House is the best.
Rob: She loses guardianship. All of a sudden, House is a hero. It's got nothing to do with me deciding —
Judge: Hey, zip it! I've heard enough.
Dr. House: This lawyering thing is easy.
Judge: You shut up, too. Arguing over every decision is a waste of her time and mine. Since her parents can't, or won't, agree, I'm awarding temporary guardianship to a doctor who will place the health of the child above all else.
Dr. Cuddy: I don't think Dr. House is capable —
Judge: Dr. Cuddy.
Dr. Cuddy: Yes, Your Honor?
Judge: No, I was finishing my sentence. The kid's all yours.

[Cuddy is in the shower with Alice in her arms, trying to cool her down. House opens the shower door]
Dr. Cuddy: Look at her arm.
[Cuddy shows House the patient's left arm covered with a red rash]
Dr. House: I told you it was an infection.
Dr. Cuddy: We fixed the infection.
Dr. House: Well, apparently not. I asked you for broad-spectrum, you put her on the bare minimum. It's a good thing you failed to become a mom, because you suck at it!! [leaves]

Dr. House (to his staff): Okay, you guys are sulking. I don't really care why, but apparently I can't do my job without finding out.

Dr. Cameron: Tritter released our bank accounts.
Dr. House: Horrible, horrible news. Boy, I'm glad we didn't let that fester.

Dr. Chase: Can we talk?
Dr. House: Nope.
Dr. Chase: I really think —
Dr. House: [Interrupting] Either you screwed me and you want absolution, or you didn't and you want applause. Either way, I'm not interested.

[Dr. Cuddy is sitting alone on the sofa with her back to the window. Wilson knocks on the door]
Dr. Cuddy: Busy.
[Dr. Wilson walks in anyway]
Dr. Wilson: You okay?
Dr. Cuddy: Yeah, sure.
Dr. Wilson: Uh, what I meant by "are you okay?" is what the hell did House do?
Dr. Cuddy: Nothing.
Dr. Wilson: What did he say?
Dr. Cuddy: I've seen House be rude a thousand times, usually to achieve something. I have never seen him be mean just because he can.
Dr. Wilson: Seriously? What did he say?
Dr. Cuddy: Nothing. Doesn't matter.
[Wilson sits down]
Dr. Wilson: Well, I've seen House be rude to you a thousand times, but I've never seen it get to you.
Dr. Cuddy: People think House has no inner censor. But the fact is he holds himself back, because when he wants to hurt, he knows just where to poke a sharp stick. I have been trying to get pregnant, and House knew. He told me I would fail as a mother.
Dr. Wilson: And you're this upset because you think he's right?
Dr. Cuddy: I have had three separate implantations. The first two never took. The last one I lost.
Dr. Wilson: I'm sorry. You didn't fail. Those where physical events.
Dr. Cuddy: A little girl is... scared and in pain. I was awkward, terrified of doing the wrong thing.
Dr. Wilson: That's normal. That's —
Dr. Cuddy: [Crying] I didn't hug her. I didn't even reach out and hold her hand. I told her it was gonna be okay.
Dr. Wilson: She needed reassurance.
Dr. Cuddy: I told her her folks might get back together. When I see people with their kids, it's so natural. It's like they have an instruction book imprinted on their genes, maybe I just didn't get a copy. Maybe my wanting to be a mother is like a tone-deaf person wanting to sing opera or a paraplegic who wants to —
Dr. Wilson: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Well, I see what you mean about House poking in the right spot.
[Cuddy chuckles wryly]

Dr. House: RIGHT! She's SIX! She's CUTE! She CAN'T have flesh-eating bacteria! It's just WRONG! Let's cure her with sunshine and puppies! Cute kids die of terrible illnesses! Innocent doctors go to jail! It's because cowards like you won't stand up and do what's required! You can sit around and moan about who's the bigger weakling, and I'm gonna do my job.

Dr. Foreman: [shields his eyes as Chase is playing with House's laser pointer] Get that thing away from me! I don't wanna get burned.
Dr. Chase: Laser pointers don't burn you, genius.
Dr. Foreman: Skin, no. Retina, yes.
Dr. Chase: You don't trust my aim? Maybe you should cover any sensitive... [thinks for a minute, then has an epiphany. He puts down the laser pointer] He was wrong about the puppies. [runs out of the room]

Dr. Wilson: Beckett was going to call his play "Waiting for House's Approval" but decided it was too grim.
Dr. Chase: Trust me, I'm not waiting anymore.
(Dr. Chase turns to leave and Dr. Wilson sees the bruise on his face)

Dr. Wilson: [to Det. Tritter]: I'm going to need 30 pieces of silver.

Merry Little Christmas (3.10)[edit]

Det. Tritter: Merry Christmas.
Dr. House: And a Happy "Go to Hell."

Dr. House: Look, there's Jesus. Better go tell the Romans.

[walking into an examining room, where Dr. Cuddy is with two dwarves]
Dr. House: Woah, sorry. Just need her for a tiny moment... small favor.

Dr. House: (walks in with the file) Santa needs us. (sees Chase's bruise from when House struck him in the previous episode) Did you get that looked at?
Dr. Chase: (looks down) I'm fine.

Dr. Cameron: What are you gonna do?
Dr. House: I thought I'd get your theories, mock them, then embrace my own. The usual.

[Dr. House is comparing Maddy to his cane]
Maddy: I'm 4'1". That's 1.5 canes in metric.
Dr. House: You don't look a day over 4 feet. I saw in the file that her Dad was normal-sized.
Maddy: It's average-sized.
Dr. House: Compared to you I'm sure it was huge. So did he have a fetish, or did he just fall in love with your long-legged soul?
Maddy: He grew up in the circus. Said I reminded him of home. Seems like you're the one with the fetish.
Dr. House: I'm certainly curious about the logistics. Did you stand on a table?
Dr. Cameron: House!
Maddy: Pretty much he'd lay flat, and spin me.

Dr. House: She also hates Jews.
Maddy: I've dealt with worse. Being different, you get used to people's idiocy. Still beats the hell out of actually being an idiot. What?
Dr. House: Care to go for a spin?

Dr. Cuddy: House, we need to talk.
Dr. House: Not taking the deal, glad we talked.

[Dr. House is trying to pick the lock on one of Dr. Cuddy's drawers when Dr. Foreman notices and walk in.]
Dr. Foreman: Where's Cuddy?
Dr. House: In this drawer, it's a rescue mission. But I got it under control, you can leave.

Dr. Foreman: We need to stop retracing our steps and get ahead of this thing.
Dr. Wilson: House, you've tanned.

Little Girl: Can I have a french fry?
Dr. House: Get your own!
Little Girl: You took the last ones.
Dr. House: What's wrong with you?
Little Girl: I got spinal muscular atrophy.
Dr. House: At least it's not contagious...nice bear.
Little Girl: It's a dog.
Dr. Cuddy: House. It's not Still's. Steroids helped until the patient started bleeding from the ears and mouth.
Dr. House: It's a bear.
Little Girl: His name is Bill. He's a dog.
Dr. Cuddy: You win [rattles bottle], you can have Vicodin.
Dr. House: Words have set meanings for a reason. If you see an animal like Bill and you try to play fetch, Bill's going to eat you, because Bill's a bear.
Dr. Cuddy: Are you on something? You got your hands on pain meds.
Little Girl: Bill has fur, four legs, and a collar. He's a dog.
Dr. Cuddy: It's between cancer and auto-immune.
Dr. House: You see, that's what's called a faulty syllogism; just because you call Bill a dog doesn't mean that he is...[House gets an epiphany} a dog.

Dr. Wilson: Why aren't you detoxing?
Dr. House: [takes a pill] Willpower.
Dr. Wilson: Wh... what?
Dr. House: Normal's not normal, if you're not normal.
Dr. Wilson: Did you just take a pill?
Dr. House: No.

Dr. House: Can we forget my vices and get back to my virtues?

Maddy: Are you high?
Dr. House: Higher than you.

Dr. House: You want your daughter to be a freak.
Maddy: We're not freaks!
Dr. House: You want her to overcome adversity...
Maddy: Yes.
Dr. House: Then why stop at height? Poke a stick in her eye! Imagine how interesting she'll be then!

Words and Deeds (3.11)[edit]

Dr. House: If you called to see the design of my prison tats, they're still at R&D.

Dr. House: When I lead the big patient rebellion, Voldemort here is the first to go.

Neil: How about you Greg? You thought about how to fix things with people in you life?
Dr. House: No need. People in my life have no expectations of me, makes all our lives easier.

Dr. House: Whoever came up with buprenorphine to wean off Vicodin should be shot, and then stabbed in the eye.

Det. Tritter: Cuddy wouldn't get off the phone until I promised I'd come and see for myself. I gotta admit, this move I did not expect.
Dr. House: Well don't tell anyone but the photos of smiling people in the brochures, it's just marketing.
Det. Tritter: Well you're obviously making an effort. So I suppose the next step is for me to talk to the DA.
Dr. House: Which you have no intention of doing?
Det. Tritter: No.
Dr. House: So words mean nothing, actions mean nothing, what the hell is left?
[Tritter shrugs his shoulders and walks away]
Dr. House: [Yelling from across the room] You son of a bitch! [Tritter stops and turns around] What about your words, your actions? [House gets up and starts walking over to Tritter] "Gotta get House cleaned up, get him to show some humility", when it comes to actually doing something you prove that all you care about is bitch slapping a guy who refused to kiss your ass.
Det. Tritter: You ever trust an addict? You ever give one the benefit of the doubt? How many times did it work out for you?
Dr. House: Yeah yeah yeah, I get it, so you were screwed over by your wife, your mother, your partner, but you keep sending them Christmas cards while you take it out on everyone else.
Det. Tritter: No more Christmas cards, no I learned. People like you, even your actions lie.

Dr. House: I thought I told you never to call me when I'm on trial.

[House is on the phone during his trial]
Judge: Do you want to go to jail?
House: No thank you.

Dr. Cameron: House, I just heard that you apologized to Wilson.
Dr. House: Detoxing. I didn't know what I was saying.
[Cameron hugs him]
Dr. House: Excuse me, I have to go to jail.

Dr. Wilson: [Seeing House eagerly consuming his medication] That's Vicodin. He's been slipping you Vicodin.
Dr. House: No! He'd be risking his minimum wage job to do that.
Dr. Wilson: The whole time?
Dr. House: My higher power said it was okay.
Dr. Wilson: Nothing's changed?
Dr. House: Nothing's changed.
Dr. Wilson: [Walking away in disbelief and then turning back] The apology. You didn't need to do that to make this work.
Dr. House: [Smiling] Believe what you want.

One Day, One Room (3.12)[edit]

[House enters Cuddy's office]
Dr. House: How can I help you this beautiful morning?
Dr. Cuddy: You got any cases?
Dr. House: Three. I got a teenage, African-American lung transplant –
Dr. Cuddy: [interrupts] For the next few days you'll be doing nothing but clinic work.
Dr. House: I just said--
Dr. Cuddy: You're lying!
Dr. House: Then why'd you ask?
Dr. Cuddy: Because if you told the truth, I was only gonna give you one day of clinic duty.
Dr. House: That's dishonest. I refuse to participate in this —
Dr. Cuddy: [interrupts] You'll do it. You owe me. I kept you out of jail. I can put you back.
[House turns and heads toward the door]
Dr. House: Perjurer.
Dr. Cuddy: Felon.
[House leaves]

Pharmacist: I have the sedative.
Dr. Cuddy: A little late.
Dr. House: Just in time.
Dr. Cuddy: What did you give him?
Dr. House: Paralytic.
Dr. Cuddy: Why would you do that?!
Dr. House: Somebody had to stop the screaming.
Dr. Cuddy: Then he's still in pain.
Dr. House: Yeah, but quietly.

Dr. House: [after looking up the patient's nose] Beautiful!
Patient: Thank you. It's dry
Dr. House: Who cares? It's beautiful, if my lawn was half as well maintained as that, pigeons wouldn't have the nerve to poop on it.
Patient: Good grooming is important.
Dr. House: Is that a shot?
Patient: People do judge you on your appearance. When you entered, I noted your shirt hadn't been pressed and you hadn't shaved in quite some time. I extrapolated that you were a person for whom detail is not a major concern. I was worried you might apply the same standard in your work.
Dr. House: You use toe-nail clippers up there?
Patient: They're longer, so they allow me to better reach the upper hairs.
Dr. House: I am wearing a rumpled shirt, and forgot to brush my hair this week. You've got athlete's foot in your nose. I'm ready to be judged.

Dr. House: Start counting.
[The patient takes his pulse]
Dr. House: How many?
Patient: 26.
Dr. House: Okay, either you suck at math, or you're going to die in two seconds.
[A moment passes, and nothing happens]
Dr. House: You suck at math.

Dr. House: How old are you?
Patient: Thirty.
Dr. House: And you've never seen an after school special? Dawson's Creek? How do you get to thirty and not know about condoms?
Patient: Oh, God, I-I have an STD.
Dr. House: No, but you will. Every patient who comes in here for an STD test has something in common: They had SWS; "sex while stupid."

Dr. House: If we were to care about every person suffering on this planet, life would shut down.

Doctor: He swallowed a magnet. We gotta cut it out.
Dr. House: [to the kid] How old are you?
Kid: Eight.
Dr. House: And he swallowed something stuck to a fridge. Darwin says "let him die".

Dr. House: We are selfish, base animals crawling across the earth, but 'cause we've got brains, if we try really hard, we can usually aspire to something that is less than pure evil.

Dr. Wilson: She's waiting for your answer?
Dr. House: She's asleep. ... I sedated her.
Dr. Wilson: Why do you care what you say to her?
Dr. House: Because, I don't know how to answer these questions.
Dr. Wilson: It's a simple question, has your life sucked? Tell her the truth, tell her you were shot, tell her -
Dr. House: She doesn't want to hear the truth. She's looking for something. Looking to extrapolate some -
Dr. Wilson: She's looking to connect with you, and that's what's scaring the hell out of you. Tell her the truth.
Dr. House: There is no truth.
Dr. Wilson: ... Are we roleplaying? Am I you!? I don't want to be you!
Dr. House: She's not asking for test results, she's not asking what two plus two equals, she's asking for my personal life experience so she can extrapolate to all humanity. That's not truth, it's bad science.
Dr. Wilson: It's not science at all. Tell her the truth.
[Scene changes]
Dr. Cameron: Tell her your life has been good.
Dr. House: It hasn't been.
Dr. Cameron: Tell her anyway. She wants hope, she wants to know that what happened to her wasn't the norm. That things can be okay, which means things can be okay for her again.
[Scene changes]
Dr. Foreman: Tell her your life sucked.
Dr. House: It didn't.
Dr. Foreman: Tell her anyway. She wants to know she's not alone, she wants to know that she can survive this, that other people have been through this and worse and come out the other end. She wants to know she's going to heal. Act like... you've healed.
[Scene changes]
Dr. Chase: Tell her... keep her asleep.
Dr. House: Thanks. You've all been a huge help.

Dr. House: They're out there, doctors, lawyers, postal workers, some of them doing great, some of them doing lousy. Are you going to base your whole life on who you got stuck in a room with?
Eve: I'm gonna base this moment on who I am stuck in a room with! That's what life is, it's a series of rooms, and who we get stuck in those rooms with, adds up to what our lives are.

Eve: Abortion is murder.
Dr. House: True. It's a life and you should end it.
Eve: Every life is sacred.
Dr. House: Come on, talk to me don't quote me bumper stickers.
Eve: It's true.
Dr. House: It's meaningless.
Eve: It means that every life matters to God.
Dr. House: Not to me, not to you. Judging by the number of natural disasters, not to God either.
Eve: You're just being argumentative.
Dr. House: Yeah. I do do that. What about Hitler? Was his life sacred to God? Father of your child. Is his life sacred to you?
Eve: My child isn't Hitler.
Dr. House: Either every life is sacred or—
Eve: Stop it! I don't want to chat about philosophy.
Dr. House: You're not killing your rape baby because of a philosophy.
Eve: It's murder, I'm against it, you for it?
Dr. House: Not as a general rule.
Eve: Just for unborn children?
Dr. House: Yes. The problem with exceptions to rules is the line-drawing. It might make sense for us to kill the ass that did this to you. I mean, where do we draw the line? Which asses do we get to kill and which asses get to keep on being asses? The nice thing about the abortion debate is that we can quibble over trimesters but ultimately, there's a nice clean line: birth. Morally, there isn't a lot of difference. Practically, huge.
Eve: You're enjoying this conversation.
Dr. House: This is the type of conversation I do well.

Dr.House: If we talk about nothing, nothing will change.
Patient: It might.
Dr. House: How?
Patient: Time. Time changes everything.
Dr. House: That's what people say. It's not true. Doing things changes things. Not doing things leaves things exactly as they were.

Dr. House: People can do good things but their instincts are not good. Either God doesn't exist or he's unimaginably cruel.
Eve: I don't believe that.
Dr. House: What do you believe? Why do you think this happened?
Eve: I don't want to talk about it.
Dr. House: Me neither. Too bad.
Eve: You know, I don't think there was a reason.
Dr. House: So God does exist, lets you get raped, needs you to keep your rape baby for no reason.
Eve: Maybe he was challenging me.
Dr. House: He hurts you to help you. Well, I guess it's better than because he hates you.
Eve: You're trying to convince me there's no God. Why would you even say something like that?
Dr. House: Because you're throwing your life away.
Eve: I'm doing what I believe!
Dr. House: What you believe doesn't make sense.
Eve: This is not helping me.
Dr. House: Then I can't help you. If you believe in eternity, then life is irrelevant. The same way that a bug is irrelevant in comparison to the universe.
Eve: If you don't believe in eternity, then what you do here is irrelevant.
Dr. House: Your actions here are all that matters.
Eve: Then nothing matters. There's no ultimate consequences. I couldn't live like that.
Dr. House: So, you need to think that the guy who did this to you is going to be punished?
Eve: I need to know that it all means something. I need that comfort.
Dr. House: Yeah. Are you feeling comfortable? You feeling good right now? You feel warm inside?
Eve: I was raped. What's your excuse?

Dr. House: Why did you choose me?
Eve: There's something about you. It's like you're hurt too...

Needle in a Haystack (3.13)[edit]

Dr. House: The only thing I hate more than a thief is a crippled thief.

Dr. Chase [About Stevie, the patient]: Kind of. He's Romani. Apparently they feel the need to keep secrets so it's hard to know anything for sure.
Dr. House: Yeah, he's also a human being which means you shouldn't be trusting him to begin with. Stop relying on his answers and find some on your own.

Dr. Wilson: Ah yes, if it isn't Dr. Ironside.
Dr. House: Ah, if it isn't Dr. "I had no friends when I was growing up, so all I did was watch TV by myself which is why I can now make constant pop cultural references which no one understands but me."
Dr. Wilson: That's my name, don't wear it out.

Dr. Foreman: His liver's actually improving. We plug one hole and end up poking another.
Dr. House: Are we talking about the patient, or how to get a raise from Cuddy?

Dr. Cameron: We were treating him for Wagner's and everything went wrong.
Dr. House: Not everything.
Dr. Foreman: Yeah, it was a very lovely day outside. On the other hand, the treatment made him worse.

Dr. House: [sitting in a wheelchair] My will may be weak, but my backbone is strong. And pain-free, now that I've stopped using the cane. Of course it's harder to look down Cuddy's shirt, but then the vantage point on her ass has much improved. But that's just me: Always looking on the bright side. I'm the guy who said her C-cups are half-full.
Dr. Julie Whitner: They are nice, aren't they?
[House slowly starts to grin]
Dr. House: No, no, no, no, no... you're not gonna win me over that easily.

Dr. Wilson: You know, even if you manage not to get struck down by a bolt of lightning and make it a week, Cuddy's not going to give you the space. She can't.
Dr. House: A bet's a bet.
Dr. Wilson: Yes, and that rule outranks the Americans with Disabilities Act.

Insensitive (3.14)[edit]

Dr. House: Foreman. Your girlfriend wants to know if you're available for Valentine's, act surprised. What are you doing down here?
Dr. Foreman: There's a snowstorm. ER's short staffed. We're all supposed to be here. You're supposed to be here. And you're an ass. Act surprised.

Dr. House: What's your name?
Hannah: Hannah Morganthal.
Dr. House: You have CIPA, Hannah Morganthal.
Hannah: No, I don't.
Dr. House: We have to do x-rays to make sure you don't have internal injuries. Blood tests to make sure no infections. EEG for neurological anomalies. And... biopsy a spinal nerve.
Dr. Foreman: Whoa whoa whoa. Congenital insensitivity to pain is one of the rarest conditions on the planet. There's only been about... sixty documented cases —
Dr. House: Yeah, and I have... seven reasons to think that she's one of them.
Dr. Foreman: She says she's not.
Dr. House: That's reason number one. She knew what it was without us telling her. Two, she's still wet from the snow, but she's not shivering. That's odd. Unless she can't sweat or feel hot and cold.
Hannah: The ambulance was warm. I want to see my mother.
Dr. House: Three, scarring around the lips and tongue. When she was a baby, she would chew on herself without feeling it.
Hannah: I fell through a window when I was a kid.
Dr. House: Four, when you cleaned the wound, she flexed into the cleaner instead of away from it. It's hard to fake pain when you've never felt it. Takes an imaginative leap, Ms. Morganthal. That's one of them Jew names. Ashkenazis are a higher risk group.
Dr. Foreman: One the other hand, she says she doesn't have it. And she'd be dead by now if she'd never been diagnosed.
Dr. House: They killed our Lord. You gonna trust them? She wants to see her mom. If she admits having CIPA, she knows we're not letting her go anywhere without a battery of tests.
Dr. Foreman: You said you had seven reasons.
Dr. House: I pulled a number out of the air. What, five isn't enough?
Dr. Foreman: Five lame reasons aren't. [turns away] I'm taking her to see her mom as soon as —
[House suddenly hits Hannah's good leg with his cane, but Hannah doesn't move]
Dr. House: I can hit her again if six isn't enough.

Dr. House: [to Cuddy] You could have left the scarf at home and just told him you'd be wearing a look of desperation.

Hannah: I wanna see my mother!
Dr. House: Hi again. Not sure I can say this without sounding condescending, but then you'd get the false impression that I respect you, so... you're a kid. You're scared, you're stalling. Grow up.
Hannah: I'm not scared. I'm never scared.
Dr. House: See? How juvenile was that? You can't feel pain - nothing left but pleasure. Why don't you tell me how wonderful that is.
Hannah: It sucks.
Dr. House: Better than being in pain all the time. Get in the chair!
[Hannah stays on the floor, House gets a syringe]
Hannah: Every morning I have to check my eyes to make sure I didn't scratch a cornea in my sleep.
Dr. House: Oh god, stop! I'm in a pool of tears here.
Hannah: I can't cry.
Dr. House: Neither can I. Every morning I check my eyes for jaundice in case the Vicodin finally shot my liver.
Hannah: I can't run anywhere without examining all my toes for swelling.
Dr. House: I can't run.
Hannah: Boys can't hold me for too long because I can overheat.
Dr. House: Girls can't hold me for too long because I only pay for an hour.
Hannah: I need an alarm on my watch to remind me to go to the bathroom. Do you know how many humiliating experiences before I thought of that?
Dr. House: Bathroom's 50 feet from my office. Every drink of water I weigh the pros and cons.
Hannah: After everything I do, I self-check: Mouth, tongue, gums for cuts, count teeth, check temperature, fingers, toes and joints for swelling, skin for bruises...
Dr. House: I got shot.
[Hannah pauses, Cameron and Chase exchange looks]
Hannah: I sat on a stove when I was three. Wanna see the coil marks?
Dr. House: Yeah.
Hannah: Do you think I'm lying?
Dr. House: Do you think I just wanna check out your tucus, as your people would say?
[Hannah gets up and lifts her gown, House gives her an injection, she becomes unconscious]
Dr. House: Put her in the chair and run the damn test. If she moves again, give her nitrous.
[House turns to leave, but Cameron intercepts him]
Dr. Cameron: You weren't shot because of leg pain, you were shot because you're a jerk!
Dr. House: Some think the two are connected.

Dr. Foreman: Any word from House?
Dr. Cameron: No.
Dr. Foreman: Maybe Cuddy will say no.
Dr. Chase: Cuddy never says no.
Dr. Cameron: That's not true.
Dr. Chase: Nobody ever says no - we don't say no!
Dr. Foreman: You don't say no.
Dr. Chase: He'll come back, he'll browbeat us, he'll give us seven reasons and eventually we'll fold. We all will. Not just me.

Dr. Wilson: I am so tired of this. Did you know that the new nurse from Cardiology is sleeping with that weird lawyer from the Board?
Dr. House: The guy with eleven fingers?
Dr. Wilson: He has eleven fingers?
Dr. House: How do you not notice that?
Dr. Wilson: The nurse used to be a man.
Dr. House: She's not anymore?
Dr. Wilson: But we can't talk about that.
Dr. House: I thought we were.
Dr. Wilson: We were supposed to talk about that. I came here to talk about that. But on the way up, I ran into Cameron. You've got a CIPA patient.
Dr. House: Mmm. Tranny nurse is more interesting.
Dr. Wilson: Oh, it's way more interesting. But instead, I've gotta be your damn conscience. I'm tired of being your conscience. I don't enjoy being your conscience.
Dr. House: No one enjoys...
Dr. Wilson: You're studying her.
Dr. House: She's actually sick.
Dr. Wilson: Which you found out after you took her on.
Dr. House: I was curious. Since I'm not a cat, that's not dangerous.
Dr. Wilson: I don't think that metaphor was actually designed to warn cats.

[Dr. Foreman runs into Dr. House's office]
Dr. Foreman: Need you.
Dr. House: What did the nerve biopsy show?
Dr. Foreman: Never did it.
Dr. House: Well then do it.
Dr. Foreman: Can't.
Dr. House: Why?
Dr. Foreman: She's gonna jump off the lobby balcony!
Dr. House: Do you think I can catch her?
[Foreman looks shocked]

[House knocks on Cuddy's front door after she's been on a date]
Dr. Cuddy: No...
Dr. House: Need a consult.
Dr. Cuddy: I already okayed your nerve biopsy.
Dr. House: Need an endocrinologist.
Dr. Cuddy: Bennett's on call.
Dr. House: Won't pick up. His cell phone must be broken.
Dr. Cuddy: Mine's working.
Dr. House: Had to give you the file.
[He gives her the file. She looks at it]
Dr. Cuddy: I assume you're thinking thyroid storm. Have you done a hormone panel?
Dr. House: Normal. TSH was on the low side. Is that a cheery fire I hear crackling nearby?
Dr. Cuddy: No. What about CPK enzymes?
Dr. House: Elevated. 275. People light fires for themselves. But then they don't deny it. He's here.
Dr. Cuddy: CPK isn't high enough. Potassium's what you'd expect because of the bronchodilators.
Dr. House: Oh, my God! You're not wearing a bra.
Dr. Cuddy: It's not thyroid storm.
Dr. House: You just met him.
Dr. Cuddy: I like him. And I like sex. Do I need to stitch a letter on my tops?
Dr. House: No. But it might be worth taking out an ad in the local papers.
[Cuddy glances back inside the house, then takes a step outside]
Dr. Cuddy: Do you like me, House? [pause] I was on the phone with Bennett fifteen minutes ago. His cell phone's working. Your MO is to avoid me at all costs. And suddenly, you need my input on every move you make. I can only assume it's because I'm on a date.
Dr. House: When we met, I noticed-
Dr. Cuddy: [interrupts] You noticed he was a Shriner because the way he parted his hair. You noticed he was a mama's boy because of the way he blinked his left eye. I'm not interested. I'm not impressed. There are only two reasons anyone would want to screw with me tonight. Either they're an altruistic, decent person who is worried about my well being... or they want me for them self.
Dr. House: You left out the third option. Evil bastard who just wants to mess with other people's happiness.
[Cuddy smiles]
Dr. Cuddy: Good night, House.
[she closes the door]

Cuddy: [to her date after speaking to House outside her door] You heard the conversation. I'm not interested in him.
Don: I don't blame you.
Cuddy: I only said those things so that he wouldn't come back.
Don: I don't really care about my job. I do it well. I provide a service. But my goal was always to make enough money to do the things I really like. Music, travel.
Cuddy: I like those things, too!
Don: You like them but they’re not really important to you. I don't know whether it's House, your job or if you just thrive on conflict but... you should hear yourself when you're talking to him. Nothing else in the world’s going on. You’re focused, confident, compelling. Don't… don't take this the wrong way, but I'd like to go out with that woman.
Cuddy: I can get her on the phone.

Dr. Foreman: [to Cameron] People who avoid commitment are people who know what a big thing it is.

[continuation of an earlier conversation]
Dr. House: So it turns out... the weird lawyer... knew that she used to be a man.
Dr. Wilson: And he's cool with that?
Dr. House: Turns out that his previous girlfriend also used to be a man.
Dr. Wilson: Ho-ho!
Dr. House: Yeah.

[After extracting a tapeworm from a patient.]
Dr. Foreman: It's gotta be 25 feet long.
Dr. House: Dammit, world record's over 60.

Dr. Cameron: So I'm thinking we should have sex.
Dr. Chase: [confused] That makes sense.
Dr. Cameron: Despite the wisdom of pop songs there's no point in putting our lives on hold until love comes along. We're both healthy and busy people, and we work together so it's convenient.
Dr. Chase: Like microwave pizza?
Dr. Cameron: And of all the people I work with you're the one I'm least likely to fall in love with.
Dr. Chase: Like microwave pizza.
Dr. Cameron: The point here is to make things simpler, not more complicated. Some day there'll be time to get serious about someone. Meanwhile, we've already had sex once and didn't get weird about it, so…
Dr. Chase: I get it, I get it. So, what if I'm offended by your judgment?
Dr. Cameron: Then you're not the man I'm looking for.
[Cameron walks away. Chase shakes his head, then follows her, grinning]

Half Wit (3.15)[edit]

Dr. House: [to Dr. Cameron and Dr. Chase] You two shower together?
Dr. Cameron/Dr. Chase: [together] No!
Dr. House: Double negative - it's a yes.

[Patrick is a musical savant and is currently in an MRI. Dr. House is trying to get his mind to work the way it does when he plays piano so he can observe the activity in it.]
Dr. House: Patrick, I want you to pretend that your leg is a piano.
Patrick: My leg's not a piano.
Dr. House: I know, that's why I said pretend. [aside to Foreman] Kid's a moron!

Dr. House: Dude can't button his shirt. How much more damage we're really talking about?

[Dr. Cameron walks in House's office with an envelope on her hand]
Dr. House: You come for my feelings? 'Cause I left them in my other pants.
[Dr. Cameron takes the paper out of the envelope and holds it out]
Dr. Cameron: This is a letter of recommendation. I'm applying for a job at Penn.
Dr. House: Thank you for writing your own. I'm sure my thoughts are beautifully phrased.
[Dr. House signs the letter]
Dr. Cameron: Thank you for signing it. Saves me having to fake your signature.
[he gives the letter back to her and sits back in his chair as she puts the letter back in the envelope]
Dr. House: Stay away from Weiss. He cries with his patients. Holds their hands as they die, he won't like you. Your newfound nonchalance in the face of cancer.
[Dr. Cameron stops and looks at House]
Dr. Cameron: I thought you'd find it appealing.
Dr. House: Twenty seconds. Pretty good.
Dr. Cameron: For what?
Dr. House: Time it took you to go from hard-ass to human being.
[Dr. House gets up]
Dr. House: You really wanna leave?
Dr. Cameron: If you're not here, there's not much point in staying.
Dr. House: I'm not dead yet.
[Dr. Cameron steps closer to House]
Dr. House: What are you doing?
[she gets up close to him]
Dr. House: I know this must be a turn-on for you.
[Dr. Cameron kisses him. Dr. House rolls his eyes, then he kisses her back. She puts her hand in her pocket. Dr. House notices, and grabs her arm, pulling her hand from her pocket, revealing a syringe she had been concealing.]
Dr. House: Little whorish to kiss and stab.
Dr. Cameron: You kissed back.
Dr. House: I didn't want you to die without knowing the feeling. Actually, no woman should die without knowing the feeling.

[...]

Dr. House:[After Cameron, as she starts to leave] If you need a sperm sample, come back without the needle.

Dr. House: Do you like your life?
Patrick: What life?
Dr. House: Your life. Playing the piano, going on tour, scoring girls left and right.
Patrick: I don't like girls.
Dr. House: Boys. Whatever gets you off.
Patrick: [with an excited look] I like the piano!

[Dr. Chase walks in Dr. House's office]
Dr. House: Your turn?
Dr. Chase: Do you have to do that?
Dr. House: You mean cheapen everyone's attempt at a human moment by identifying the real calculations that go into it?
Dr. Chase: Yeah.
Dr. House: Yeah, I do.
Dr. Chase: I'm sorry you're dying. I'm gonna hug you. Anything to say?
Dr. House: Well, if you're considering grabbing my ass, don't start anything —
[Dr. Chase hugs Dr. House]
Dr. House: — you can't finish. [pause] Well, as long as we're just standing here, do you mind if we work? How's the kid's treatment going?
[Dr. Chase is quiet]
Dr. House: Are you crying?
Dr. Chase: No.

Dr. Cuddy: House, I'm so sorry.
Dr. House: Forgot I was dying, huh?
Dr. Cuddy: I'm here if you need me.
Dr. House: I need you.
[Dr. Cuddy smiles and hugs him, and Dr. House takes the opportunity and puts his hands on her ass]
Dr. House: One small feel for man... one giant ass for mankind.
Dr. Cuddy: Thanks. Good luck in Boston.
[Dr. Cuddy turns and heads back to her bedroom. Dr. House starts to follow her]
Dr. Cuddy: [not turning to look at House] Call the Make-a-Wish Foundation.
[he turns around and heads for the door]

Dr. Foreman: [to Dr. House] We just told you you're not going to die! You should be making out with Cameron!

Dr. House: It was an outpatient procedure. I was curious.
Dr. Wilson: Are you curious about heroin?
Dr. House: Not since last year's Christmas party...whooof!

Top Secret (3.16)[edit]

Dr. House: I can play the harmonica with my nose, make a penny come out of a child's ear - or any other orifice for that matter - and given the right circumstances can bring two women to simultaneous ecstasy.
Dr. Wilson: The right circumstances being their agreement to bill you on the same credit card.

Dr. Wilson: I'm guessing you're longing for either a renewed relationship with your dad... or a new relationship with one of the Village People.
Dr. House: He was in the Navy, not the Marines.
Dr. Wilson: I thought your dad was in the Marines.
Dr. House: The guy in the Village People.
Dr. Wilson: Actually, he's only in the Navy when they sing "In the Navy". The rest of the time, he's just in generic fatigues.
[House looks at him]
Dr. Wilson: What? You brought it up.

Dr. Cameron: Why is he here instead of the VA?
Dr. House: Because he has a rich uncle Cuddy's trying to avoid fellating who doesn't buy the VA's diagnosis of "nothing's wrong-atosis."

Dr. House: Do a full physical. Recheck his blood for HIV, hep C, malaria, schistosomiasis, and T strain A. baumannii just to make sure the VA's dotted their I's. And find out every hospital and clinic he's ever visited, every city he's ever lived in, and... whether he's ever been on TV.
Dr. Cameron: TV?
Dr. House: Problem could be neurological. Everyone knows TV rots your brain.

Dr. Chase: You were wrong about the "nothing's wrong-atosis". You can fake fatigue and joint pain but you can't fake bacterial vaginosis in your mouth.

Dr. House: See if you can get to the truth about who he's been dating. There's no way a Marine goes a year without getting some blood on his bayonet.

Dr. Cameron: Alright already, we confess. You caught us. We snuck into one of the sleep lab rooms to have sex, we shouldn't have done it while we were supposed to be working, and we're sorry. Now can we move on?
[Foreman laughs]
Dr. Foreman: House'll do Wilson before you'd do Chase.
Dr. Cameron: No, you would do House and Wilson before I do Chase. Now can we get back to work?
Dr. Chase: She did me once!
Dr. Foreman: She was stoned!

Dr. House: I need a prescription.
Dr. Wilson: I just wrote you a prescription.
Dr. House: For Vicodin. I need alfuzosin.
Dr. Wilson: No, you don't. Have you figured out where you met your Marine?
Dr. House: What? Oh, that. Haven't really thought about it. I can't pee.
Dr. Wilson: You can't remember him, can you?
Dr. House: I can't pee.
Dr. Wilson: So stop taking the Vicodin.
Dr. House: I wanna pee and not be in pain.
Dr. Wilson: Why don't you go to sleep?
Dr. House: I don't pee when I'm asleep.
Dr. Wilson: Maybe you'll dream about him again. Maybe he'll give you an address.
Dr. House: I haven't peed in three days.
Dr. Wilson: [ignoring] I read that REM sleep is the brain's way of working out problems.
Dr. House: Very useful. Did you hear what I just said?
Dr. Wilson: Yeah, you lied because you want to avoid talking about your obsession.
Dr. House: I'm not obsessing.
Dr. Wilson: Why don't you just ask him?
Dr. House: [shouts] I haven't peed in three days!
Dr. Wilson: You'd be dead.
Dr. House: I'm not counting intermittent drips.
Dr. Wilson: You'd be in agony.
Dr. House: I passed agony yesterday around four.
[House takes more Vicodin pills; Wilson sighs and writes a prescription for House]

Dr. House: ...And you [he points to Dr. Cameron] call his [the patient's] uncle back. Find out if he ever brought his nephew to any hospital parties or fundraisers.
Dr. Cameron: No. Not until you give me a reason.
Dr. House: Because... I'm your boss?
Dr. Cameron: A rational reason, or at least admit that you don't have one.
Dr. House: I've got a full bladder, and I'm not afraid to use it.
Dr. Cameron: But you are apparently afraid of discovering something you can't rationally explain--
Dr. House: [Snapping] Shut up! [Cameron looks shocked] Do what you're told! Cuddy and Wilson may not have to listen to me, but you do. [He leaves the room]
Dr. Cameron: [to Dr. Chase] What the hell was that all about?

Dr. House: [to a deaf patient in critical situation] John, John! We are going to figure out what's wrong with you. But first we need to know one thing: Have you ever appeared in any pornos?

Dr. House: [while urine is spilling onto the floor out of a bag attached to House's leg] It's a urine catheter collection bag with a rip in it, what the hell does it look like?

Dr. House: I've been thinking about you. You lied.
Dr. Cuddy: I didn't lie. I simply chose not to share completely irrelevant facts.
Dr. House: Like the fact that you lied. No wonder I couldn't place his face. You were practically swallowing it on the dance floor.
Dr. Cuddy: I was not.
Dr. House: Talk about the cool uncle. He donates the money, and the nephew gets the write-off. And, of course, by write-off, I mean he gets to put your ankles —
[Cuddy taps him on his chest]
Dr. Cuddy: [interrupting] This is exactly why I didn't mention our one date over two years ago.
Dr. House: Because of my T-shirt.
[she pulls Dr. House to the side]
Dr. Cuddy: Because you are an obnoxious ass. Because you would have spent the whole time —
Dr. House: That's very smart. 'Cause this way, I spent my whole time completely focused on the patient.
Dr. Cuddy: How did you even remember him? We were only at that party for, like, ten minutes.
Dr. House: Was this some new health plan? You service the Dean of Medicine, and you get free health care for a year?
[Dr. Cuddy smiles]
Dr. House: Why are you smiling?
Dr. Cuddy: You remembered him because he made out with me.
Dr. House: I'm good with faces. So, this plan, is it open to anyone? Is there a co-pay?
Dr. Cuddy: You're lousy with faces.
Dr. House: Don't make this about me. This is your humiliation. So how much for private room coverage?
Dr. Cuddy: Get over me.
Dr. House: Give me a break! You hired me —
Dr. Cuddy: — 'cause you're a good doctor who couldn't get himself hired at a blood bank so I got you cheap.
Dr. House: You gave me everything I asked for because one night I gave you everything y —
Dr. Cuddy: Stop staring at my ass when you think I'm not looking, showing up at restaurants where I happen to be on a date and fantasizing about me in the shower. That ship sailed long ago, House. Get over it. [turns around and walks away]
Dr. House: If you're still referring to your ass, I think "that super-tanker sailed" would be the more precise metaphor.
[Dr. Cuddy turns back at Dr. House and laughs, while he smiles conspicuously and retreats back into his office]

[Chase and Cameron are making out in the supply room as the door opens and House turns the lights on, carrying some file folders. He looks around, then walks right between them]
Dr. House: Sorry, looking for an extra-large trash can.
[he dumps the file folders in the trash bin, turns and leaves the closet, closing the door behind him]
Dr. Chase: Since when does he clean anything up?

Fetal Position (3.17)[edit]

[Dr. Foreman, Dr, Cameron, and Dr. Chase are examining a photo of House taken by Emma]
Dr. Foreman: This is definitely different.
Dr. Chase: It looks almost like...
Dr. Cameron: ...he's caring.

Dr. House: Any you guys ever been to the Galapagos?
Dr. Foreman: Was our patient there? Dengue fever, Avian pox, even West Nile.
Dr. House: No, I'm looking for a vacation spot.
Dr. Chase: That mean we get vacation?
Dr. House: How would that differ from your current status?
Dr. Cameron: You're going to do what? Relax?
Dr. House: Visiting family, my uncle's a giant turtle.

Dr. House: Mom's body is like... the intricate German metro system. All the trains run on time. When she gets pregnant, it's like... a new station opening in Düsseldorf. A bunch of rookies running things, bound to be mistakes. Kids play on the tracks and get electrocuted, and before you know it, trains are backed up all the way to Berlin and you got a bunch of angry Germans with nowhere to go. And we all know that ain't good for the Jews.
Dr. Chase: Who are the Jews in this metaphor?

Dr. Cameron: I have read the outcome of mirror syndrome is almost always unfavorable.
Dr. House: Unfavorable... is that doctor-speak for "dead baby"?

Dr. Cuddy: You want to paralyze Emma Sloan's baby?
Dr. House: Lemme guess...Cameron.
Dr. Cuddy: Cameron and Chase both had their concerns.
Dr. House: No, Cameron had concerns. Chase just agreed with her because he didn't want to lose his all-access pass to her love rug.
Dr. Cuddy: They're sleeping together?
Dr. House: If by sleeping together you mean having sex in the janitor's closet...
Dr. Cuddy: Here?
Dr. House: No, the janitor's closet at the local high school. Go Tigercats! Do you have one of those camera phones? 'Cause I got a MySpace account.
Dr. Cuddy: I will deal with them after I deal with you.
Dr. House: Oh c'mon... let's gossip some more. I'm sure she's into bondage.

[Dr. House is about to inject a fetus with a paralytic]
Dr. Cuddy: The baby won't feel a thing.
Dr. House: Fetus. I'm lowering expectations. It works here and on dates.

Dr. Cuddy: Dr. Cameron. Dating Chase... can only end in one of two ways.
Dr. Cameron: House told you?
Dr. Cuddy: You get married and live happily ever after, or somebody gets hurt and you two can't work together, and I have to fire somebody.
Dr. Cameron: I would hate to see my personal life become such a burden to you.
Dr. Cuddy: I'm telling you this for your own good.
Dr. Cameron: Well, I assume you're gonna have this same conversation with Chase for his own good.
Dr. Cuddy: Chase isn't the one that's gonna get hurt here.

Dr. Cameron: [through the hyperbaric chamber's phone] My social life is my social life.
Dr. House: Couldn't agree more. What goes on in the privacy of a janitor's closet is nobody's business except —
Dr. Cameron: She [Cuddy] told me to end it. Is that what you want?
Dr. House: I was actually hoping she'd fire one of you.

Dr. Cuddy: What are you doing?
Dr. House: Well, you're trying to be me, so I thought I'd try to be you.
Dr. Cuddy: You don't have the cleavage for it.
Dr. House: But I have a much tighter ass.

Dr. Cuddy: Did you give corticosteroids to speed the baby's lung development?
Dr. House: No, I dropped an anvil on its chest to prevent lung development! I'm trying to extinguish the human race one fetus at a time.

Dr. Cameron: Anybody gonna stop [Cuddy]?
Dr. Chase: Stopping the madness is her job.
Dr. Foreman: Somebody's gotta be Cuddy's Cuddy.

[a fetus' hand grabs Dr. House's finger and he stares at it]
Dr. Cuddy: House.
[Dr. House looks at Dr. Cuddy]
Dr. House: Sorry. I just realized I forgot to TiVo "Alien".

Airborne (3.18)[edit]

Crying girl: I want my blankie! I want my blankie! I want my blankie! I want my blankie!
Dr. House [on a wheelchair] Antique vintner's cane. It cost me $900.
Dr. Cuddy: It had a corkscrew in it.
Dr. House: Ah, that would explain the "vintner's" reference.
Dr. Cuddy: Could be used as a weapon against the pilot.
Dr. House: Only if you stuck it in a bottle of Zinfandel.
Dr. Cuddy: You'll get it back when we land.
Crying girl: I want my blankie! I want my blankie!
Dr. House: [to the mother] Give her 20 milligrams of diphenhydramine, it could save her life. 'Cause if she doesn't shut up, I'll kill her.

Dr. Cuddy: The room service thing was just spiteful.
Dr. House: I was hungry.
Dr. Cuddy: $300 for a bottle of wine.
Dr. House: I was thirsty.
Dr. Cuddy: $120 on video services.
Dr. House: I was lonely.
Dr. Cuddy: That's 500 in expenses I can't justify.
Dr. House: Don't worry. I'll take care of it.
Dr. Cuddy: Right.
[they arrive at the first class cabin of the plane, where House gives his ticket to a stewardess]
Stewardess: Welcome aboard, Mr. House, you're right here in 2A.
[House sits on his place, while the stewardess checks Cuddy's ticket]
Stewardess: Ms. Cuddy, you're in the next cabin and to the left, 9C.
Dr. Cuddy: No, I booked two first-class tickets. This must be a mistake.
Dr. House: No mistake. Just arranged for a $500 fare reduction. Expense problem solved.
[Cuddy sighs and goes to the next cabin]

Fran: I turned 58 last March, same age my mother was when she died. Next week I packed a bag, I went to JFK, looked at the big board, and took the first plane that went to a warm place. The Corocas.
Robin: Oh my god.
Dr. Wilson: Did you drink the water, eat salads, any raw foods?
Fran: Yep.
Dr. Wilson: And?
Fran: I also did Mezcal Sugars, and snorted cocaine from a homosexual man's stomach.
Dr. Wilson: Did you have sex?
Fran: No. Not with him, I had sex with El Gordo, he was a large man.

[House is simulating the conditions back at the hospital to help him make a diagnosis]
Dr. House: [pointing at boy] Can you say... [Australian accent] 'Crikey, mate'?
Kid: [Confused but playing along] Crikey, mate.
Dr. House: Perfect. No matter what I say, you agree with me, okay?
Kid: Okay...
Dr. House: Nicely done... You, disagree with everything I say.
Indian man: Sorry, not understanding.
Dr. House: That's close enough. And you, get morally outraged with everything I say.
Woman: [disgusted] That's permanent marker, you know.
Dr. House: Wow, you guys are good.

Dr. House: Nobody speak Korean on this flight?
Dr. Cuddy: I assumed you did.
Dr. House: I know how to ask if his sister is over eighteen, I don't think that's gonna help.

Dr. House: You're pregnant.
Girl: I'm what?
Dr. House: Explains the nausea, abdominal pains, fever. And why you're stuffing your 36C's into a 34B bra.
Dr. Cuddy: And her rash?
Dr. House: PUPPPs. A common pregnancy rash.
Girl: I can't be pregnant.
Dr. House: You a virgin?
Girl: No, but—
Dr. House: You're pregnant. Mazel Tov.

[Dr. House tries putting his hand down Dr. Cuddy's pants, she stops him.]
Dr. House: I need to get a better look at your rash.
Dr. Cuddy: Use your imagination.
Dr. House: Fine, shall I go with lifeguard Cuddy or mother superior Cuddy?

Dr. House: Happens often in high anxiety situation, especially to women. I know it sounds sexist, but science says you're weak and soft. What can I do?

Boy: What's extension pasturing?
Dr. House: It's when you're molested by a priest's cousin.

Dr. Cuddy: What about syphilis?
Dr. House: Well, first of all, he apparently speaks a language that no one else speaks, which makes talking up the ladies a little rough.
Dr. Cuddy: We're flying out of Singapore. If he has a credit card and a condom, he could get anything he wants!
Woman: Ew.

Dr. Cameron: Nice catch.
Dr. Chase: Thanks.
Dr. Cameron: Think even House would be impressed.
Dr. Chase: I don't know about that.
Dr. Cameron: Any idea how you want to celebrate?
[She smiles at him, however he doesn't smile back]
Dr. Cameron: What?
Dr. Chase: I want more.
Dr. Cameron: I thought you were getting a little worn out, but—
Dr. Chase: That's not what I meant.
Dr. Cameron: I know. I was just hoping you'd take the hint and pretend you never said that.
Dr. Chase: I want this to be more than it is.
Dr. Cameron: I thought we were clear.
Dr. Chase: In the beginning, but you can't tell me you—
Dr. Cameron: [Interrupting] Yes, I can. And I don't. It was... fun. That's it. And now it's over.

Act Your Age (3.19)[edit]

Dr. Cuddy (about the patient): Restrictive pericarditis.
Dr. House: Boring.
Dr. Cuddy: She's in kindergarten.
Dr. House: Less boring, or grandma's been held back a few years.

Dr. Chase: Well, House is going to call us all idiots anyway. Might as well be a well-rested idiot.
[Scene cuts to House and his staff in their office]
Dr. House: You guys are idiots.

Dr. House (to Dr. Chase): Nice work.
Dr. Cameron: He went home!
Dr. House: Work smart, not hard.

Dr. House: Do you want the tickets or not?
Dr. Wilson: Why don't you want to go with me?
Dr. House: It's a play. Dudes only go to plays if they're dragged by women they're hoping to see naked.
Dr. Wilson: So why are you giving them to me?
Dr. House: Maybe there's someone you want to see naked.

Dr. Cameron (when she and Dr. Chase are told to search the house): You're intentionally punishing us.
Dr. House: By making you do your job? Does seem kind of cruel, doesn't it?

Dr. House: Never is just 'reven' spelled backwards.

Dr. House: [to a patient with shy bladder syndrome] I'm going to ask you for some blood.
Eddie: Why?!
Dr. House: To see if your answer will be "I can't bleed in public."

Dr. House: Panty hamster get a spin on its wheel?

Dr. House: You're trying to have sex with Cuddy.
Dr. Wilson: [eating] ...Fries?
Dr. House: You took her to a play; you only take women to plays because...
Dr. Wilson: No, you only take women to plays for that reason. That's your theory.
Dr. House: Okay, then why did you take her to a play?
Dr. Wilson: She's a friend.
Dr. House: A friend with a squish-mitten.
Dr. Wilson: It is possible to have a friend of the opposite sex without...
Dr. House: Blasphemer! She's not a friend of the opposite sex, she's a different species; she's an administrator, she's gonna eat your head after she's done.
Dr. Wilson: Yes, I slept with her.
Dr. House: [Mouth open in disbelief] Seriously?
Dr. Wilson: No.
Dr. House: [Trying to catch Wilson lying] Yes you did.
Dr. Wilson: [Quietly] Yes, I did.
Dr. House: Seriously?
Dr. Wilson: No. You've got a problem, House.

Dr. Cuddy: [after Wilson received flowers with a card seemingly signed by Dr. Cuddy] What's up with Wilson?
Dr. House: He's just a little freaked.
Dr. Cuddy: Why?
Dr. House: I sent him flowers.

Dr. Cameron: If menstruating is a sign of brain cancer then I should be on chemo right now.
Dr. House: That's ridiculous. You're way too skinny to be menstruating.

Dr. House: [to a little girl in a daycare] Do you have hair on your special place?

Dr. House: Guy gets a little something-something. Couple of kids have to die. Circle of life.
Dr. Cuddy: So many people ... so much energy and drama just trying to find someone who's almost never the right person, anyway. It just shouldn't be so hard.
[Slight pause]
Dr. House: I got tickets to a play.

House Training (3.20)[edit]

Dr. Wilson: [Talking about his ex-wife] Market's doing badly; she's moving into a condo.
Dr. House: She wants...
Dr. Wilson: She wants me to take Hector.
Dr. House: Poolboy?
Dr. Wilson: Dog.

Dr. Wilson: [to Dr. House] I'm not getting sucked into the vortex of your insanity again.

Dr. House: What's life without the ability to make stupid decisions?

Dr. House: There's a lot of porn piling up on the Internet. It doesn't download itself!

Dr. House: James Wilson is never the safe choice.
Dr. Cuddy: Going to a gallery, we're not getting married!
Dr. House: Sure you say that now. He always marries them in the end!

Dr. House: [to Wilson's ex] Did you just compare Wilson to a tampon?

Dr. House: Who's the better James Bond, Sean Connery or Daniel Craig? [patient is unable to respond] You see that's not even a decision.

Dr. House: First, "Hector does go rug" is a lame anagram. You want a better one for "Gregory House"? "Huge ego, sorry."

Dr. Chase: [to Dr. Foreman after the mistake] We are all wrong, you know. Even House was wrong.
Dr. Foreman: I know.

Dr. House: Guilt is irrelevant.

Family (3.21)[edit]

Dr. House: Once we know what the infection is, we'll know exactly how to treat it. As long as he isn't dead yet, we're cool.

Dr. House: Any more questions while your son's life slips away?

Dr. Wilson: I treat patients for months, maybe years, not weeks like you.
Dr. House: I'm taller.

Dr. Cuddy: Do you have anything to add to this debate?
Dr. House: Wilson's right, Foreman's wrong, your shirt is way too revealing for the office.

Claudia: What about the Marrow Registry, maybe they'll find another match.
Dr. House: (Sarcastically) Maybe they'll ride it here on a unicorn.

Dr. House: What is the point in being able to control people if you won't actually do it? It's like training a dog, then letting him go on your rug, which, by the way--
Dr. Wilson: Once Foreman got his mitts on them, there was no way--
Dr. House: You didn't explain chances of probabilities, you lied to them! And told them Foreman's a moron, which isn't even much of a lie right now.
Dr. Wilson: You gotta talk to him.
Dr. House: I got no problem with what Foreman did...
Dr. Wilson: He undercut us, and may have cost that kid his life--!
Dr. House: Foreman did what he thought was right, you, on the other hand, sucked out! When the decision really mattered you didn't have the guts to tell him what to do! If that kid dies, it's because Foreman was wrong and because you're a coward! [He leaves Wilson standing in the corridor, shocked.]

Dr. House: Oh, goodness! I left my door open! My poor dog must've run away and been hit by a car, or truck... or train... an anvil...
[House looks, Hector's still there.]
Dr. House: (sarcastically) Thank god...you're still here... (yelling) He's still here!
[House looks around and notices something missing.]
Dr. House: Where's my stereo?

Dr. Wilson: Why don't you buy your cane at a medical supply store like a normal cripple?
Dr. House: Fewer bitchin' choices.

Cane salesman: This is one of our top sellers. [shows House a new cane with a silver skull on top]
Dr. House: It's a little too "Marilyn Manson in the retirement home."

[Cane salesman shows House another cane]
Dr. House: Cool.
Cane Salesman: Genuine bull penis stretched over a metal rod.
Dr. House:…Penis canes are murder.

[House slams down new cane, a gloss black model with red and yellow flames painted on the bottom.]
Dr. Cameron: Flames?
Dr. House: Makes it look like I'm going fast.

Dr. House: [To Nick and Matty's parents] You have only one decision to make. You can leave here with one dead son, or two.

Dr. House: Pride and shame only apply to people we have a vested interest in, not employees.

Dr. Foreman: You'll save more people than I will. But I'll settle for killing less. Consider this my two weeks notice.

Resignation (3.22)[edit]

Dr. House: Good morning! This is funny: People don't...
Dr. Cameron: I'm not done reading. Go away.
[a few seconds later]
Dr. House: Good morning!
Dr. Chase: Not yet!

[Dr. Foreman just signed his resignation]
Dr. Cuddy: Good luck.
Dr. Foreman: Thank you.
Dr. House: That's it? You're not gonna tell him that we're family and families don't abandon each other?
Dr. Cuddy: (to Dr. House) Do you want me to?
Dr. House: No.
Dr. Cuddy: (to Dr. Foreman) Would it make any difference?
Dr. Foreman: No.
Dr. Cuddy: Good luck, Dr. Foreman.

Dr. House: Personally, I can't believe I've had the same three employees for three years.

Dr. Chase: (to Dr. Foreman) Why won't you want to tell me?
Dr. Foreman: I don't like you. Never have, never will. You want me to share some more?
Dr. Chase: Even if you do hate me, if you found another job you'd tell me, if House did something to drive you out of here you'd tell me. The fact that you won't tell me means that whatever the real reason is, you're ashamed of it.

Dr. Chase: Why's Foreman quitting?
Dr. House: He wants to breed llamas.
[Dr. House turns and leaves]
Dr. Chase: Interesting.
[Dr. House turns around]
Dr. Chase: You're ashamed of the reason, too.

Dr. House: Foreman resigned.
Dr. Wilson: I'm sorry.
Dr. House: It's okay, no biggie.
Dr. Wilson: Right. He give a reason?
Dr. House: He said he didn't want to end up like me. I had a brilliant retort, can't remember what it was at the moment.
Dr. Wilson: You don't want to end up like you.

Dr. Wilson: You tried bargaining with him? Give him a raise?
Dr. House: How much do you think it would cost to make him wanna be like me?

Dr. Chase: Labs indicated minute traces of blood.
Dr. House: Can't ignore the blood because it's a minority. Can you, Foreman?

Dr. House: [Entering an exam room] You're cheating on Honey.
Steve: What?...No! I'm not.
Dr. House: Oh, yes, you are.
Honey: It's okay. I get it.
Dr. House: I was gonna say "relax", but oddly enough you seem pretty relaxed already.
Honey: You're accomplished. You're funny. You can have whatever you want. Women are gonna...
Dr. House: He's not cheating with another woman. He's cheating with another food group.
Honey: What?
Dr. House: His floaters float, because they are full of fat. Probably had a big cheeseburger for lunch.
Honey: You're eating flesh?
Steve: It's just a hamburger. Not all the time...
Honey: You're disgusting.
Steve: Soy tastes like cardboard. Unsalted cardboard.
Dr. House: I'm accomplished. I'm funny. Can I have whatever I want?

Dr. House: My patient's about to have a heart attack, it's going to be massive.
Dr. Cuddy: Oh well, that's too bad because I just got tickets for a stroke on the third floor.

Dr. Wilson: How did you walk with the cane and two coffees?
Dr. House: Why are you suspicious?
Dr. Wilson: Because it's either that, or accept the fact that you've done something nice, and then I have to deal with the horsemen, and the rain of fire, and the end of days.
Dr. House: You think I spat in yours?
Dr. Wilson: Or worse?
Dr. House: I stacked them.

Dr. Wilson: [on speed] I'm late for a breast thing. You know he wants you, you know he's good, you know he can make you good... I don't know what I'm saying! I don't... you know what I'm saying, and you know I'm right. I gotta go.
Dr. Foreman: ...

Dr. Wilson: [to a patient, after he realizes that House has dosed him with amphetamines] Excuse me, I have to go kill someone.

Dr. Wilson: You dosed me!
Dr. House: Yes, I did, but only because you didn't trust me - your best friend!
Dr. Wilson: You could have killed me!
Dr. House: Amphetamines aren't going to kill you.
Dr. Wilson: You don't know my medical history! I could have... I could... You could've given me a heart attack!
Dr. House: A heart attack isn't going to kill you, you were in a hospital!
[Dr. Wilson yawns]
Dr. House: Aha! You yawned!
Dr. Wilson: Aha! You tried to kill me!
Dr. House: I put you on uppers and you still yawned. Means it's a symptom of being a big fat liar. Yawning is a side effect of some antidepressants, apparently the ones you're on.
Dr. Wilson: I'm not on antidepressants, I'm on SPEEEEED!

Dr. Wilson: [after being grilled by Dr. House because he's on antidepressants. Gestures towards him] This is why I take them.
Dr. House: They're antidepressants, not "anti-annoyanceants"!

Dr. Wilson: [Flying on speed] Give me a Vicodin so I don't stroke.
[Dr. Wilson grabs a cup of coffee.]
Dr. House: I...wouldn't drink that.
[Dr. Wilson looks at him quizzically.]
Dr. House: Leg hurt and...[Points in general direction of bathroom, then at coffee, then shrugs. Wilson sighs exasperatedly.]

[Dr. House is proud for having diagnosed a protein deficiency on a patient, arguing "It can't be tested; it can't be seen"]
Dr. Foreman: [Disgusted] You're happy about this.
Dr. Cameron: She's going to die!
Dr. House: That's not my fault, she was going to die anyway. Now, thanks to me, at least she'll know why.
Dr. Chase: I'm sure you'll see that gratitude in her eyes when you tell her.

Dr. House: You dosed me! Those coffee...
Dr. Wilson: They worked, you've been smiling, relaxed, happy!

Dr Wilson: House was happy.
Dr House: Hazy.
Dr Wilson: Happy.
Dr House: HAZY!!
Dr Wilson: Oh, right! A dying girl mistook hazy for happy because dying people see happiness everywhere!

Patient's mom: Dr. House... Can we call you? In case we have any questions.
Dr. House: No.
[Dr. House turns his back to the patient's parents and go away]

Dr. House: I'm on antidepressants because a doctor friend of mine thinks I'm miserable. I don't like them. They make me hazy. I eat meat, I like drugs, and I'm not always faithful to the women I date.
Honey: You don't seem depressed.
Dr. House: You do realize you just skipped over several deep character flaws that most women would run screaming from?
Honey: You told the truth.
Dr. House: Yeah... I don't always do that either.
Honey: Well, how miserable can you be saving lives, sleeping around and doing drugs? [Smiles]

The Jerk (3.23)[edit]

Dr. Chase: Your head still hurt?
Nate: You a moron?
Nate's Mom: Nate!
Nate: I'm clutching my head in pain and he asks if it hurts. [Turns to Dr. Chase] What are you, some kind of med student? You look like you still have themed birthday parties.

Dr. House: Kid's not a cliché. Anyone can get in a fight after losing. It takes real creativity to beat up someone you just beat.

Nate: [To Dr. Foreman] So, do people watch what they say around you?
Dr. Foreman: Because I'm black?
Nate: No, because you're gay.

Dr. House: You are one evil cunning woman. It's a massive turn on.

Dr. House: [to Dr. Cuddy] Oh, almost forgot, I need to give a 16-year-old magic mushrooms to treat a cluster headache. That cool?
Dr. Cuddy: [sarcastically] Yeah, no problem.
[Dr. House smiles and walks out. Dr. Cuddy panics and runs out after him]
Dr. Cuddy: I was being sarcastic!
Dr. House: It wouldn't look that way in the court transcript.

[Nate is high on magic mushrooms prescribed by Dr. House]
Nate: [he looks at Dr. Chase and chuckles] Hey! Hey, it's Skippy! The Bush Kangaroo!
Dr. Chase: Your head, Nate, we need to know how the pain is.
Nate: What I got here... it's the opposite of pain.

Nate: [to Dr. Cameron, while high] Oh, man, you're hot. She's makin' me horny!
Dr. Chase: Deal with it.
Nate: Hey, hey, hey, hey! You can't get me stoned then not close the deal.
Dr. Chase: Shut up!
Dr. Cameron: Take it easy; he's not in his right mind.
Nate: You'll regret saying no. Check it out.
[opens his robe to flash Dr. Cameron]
Dr. Chase: Oh, for God's sake!

Dr. Chase: And it's Tuesday.
Dr. Cameron: I know.
Dr. Chase: I like you.
Dr. Cameron: I know. See you next Tuesday.

Nate [to Dr. House, when he enters with the chess-board]: Who are you?
Dr. House: Doctor MacCaney!

Nate: Hey, Dr. X, I know you busted ass trying to save me...
Dr. Foreman: It's alright.
Nate: I wasn't going to thank you. I was going to tell ya you really suck at this.
Dr. Foreman: We're doing our best.
Nate: That's sort of my point. Your best really sucks.

Human Error (3.24)[edit]

Dr. Chase: Foreman's not going anywhere.
Dr. House: He said that to you?
Dr. Chase: He doesn't really want to leave. And you don’t really want to let him. You'll cave, just like you did with Cameron.
Dr. House: Foreman's not as easy as Cameron. (Pauses) But, of course, who is?
Dr. Cameron: I'm in the room!

House (to Dr. Chase): You're fired.
Chase: Wha... what because I yelled at you?
House: Because you've been here the longest, learned all you can, or you haven't learned anything at all... either way, it's time for a change.

[Dr. House is defending his firing of Dr. Chase]
Dr. House: Sorry, you're in the wrong room. My name on the door, my team, my decisions.
Dr. Cuddy: My building, my floor, my people!

[After Esteban has called him several times during the night]
Dr. House: Did you give an angry Cuban my home number?

[Marina has just revived after her heart stopped a day ago]
Marina: [weakly] Esteban?
Esteban: Marina.
Dr. House: Holy crap...
Marina: Is this Heaven?
Dr. House: No, it's New Jersey.
Estaban: God sent you back to me! It's a miracle!
[House looks to the heavens in a pleading manner]

Dr. Cameron: Other than a miracle it's the only other explanation for her symptoms.
Dr. House: How come God gets credit whenever something good happens?! Where was he when her heart stopped?

Dr. Cameron: Her blood pressure is rising.
Dr. House: Mine's rising too, of course I am doing battle with a deity.

Dr. House: Just one more surgery, and you'll be fine.
Marina: Thank God.
Dr. House: Don't make me slap you.

[After Cameron turns in her resignation letter to House]
Cameron: I've gotten all I can from this job.
House: What do you expect me to do? Break down and apologize? Beg Chase to come back?
Cameron: No, I expect you to do what you always do. I expect you to make a joke and go on. I expect you to be just fine. I'll miss you.

Cast[edit]

External links[edit]

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