House (Season 7)

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House (2004–2012), created by David Shore, is about an irreverent, controversial, but successful doctor who trusts no one, least of all his patients.


Now What? (7.01)[edit]

House: You were thinking about Wilson while we were having sex? That's so cool! So was I!

House: Cuddy and I are now Cuddy and I. There is an 'I' in Cuddy.

[Wilson is knocking on the door.]
Cuddy: Just let him in.
House: No! He's like a stray... he'll eat everything, shed all over the place, and crap on the floor.

House: [Answers cell phone] Hi, this is Gregory House. I can't take your call at the moment. Please leave a message. If this is Wilson, I'm fine. Not suicidal. Not on drugs. Coping very well with the loss of my last patient. So feel free to go about your day without worrying. Beeeeep.
Wilson: [both outside House's door and on cell phone] House, you can't just NOT show up to work. What's Cuddy going to say?
House: If this is still Wilson, she gave me the day off and tomorrow.
[Cuddy glares at him.]
House: Okay, maybe not tomorrow, but today. I'm fine. Now go away! ...........beeeeeeeep.

Thirteen: So you gonna ask me about this Huntington's trial? And by ask I mean give me your opinion.
Chase: No. There's one thing, though....will you have sex with me?
Thirteen: ...what?
Chase: Well, this trial mean you're leaving right away. I was playing a long game. Deadlines have been moved up.

Cuddy: I really do have to leave.
House: I know.
Cuddy: Then what's the problem?
House: This isn't going to work.
Cuddy: ....that's it? You can't just say that and shut up.
House: It's just a statement of fact, it's not a debatable proposition.
Cuddy: Right...because you can see the future.
House: No, but I can see the past and you're going to remember all the horrible things I've done and try to convince yourself that I've changed and I'm going to start doing those horrible things again because I haven't changed..then you'll realize that I'm an insane choice for someone who has a kid. And from there it's a short step to the inevitable conclusion that all of this...was a mistake. Tell me any of that isn't true.

Cuddy: The only time you're afraid is when you're happy. You just don't expect it to last.
House: 'Cause it doesn't.
Cuddy: You don't know that.
House: I've done horrible things to you. And I'll do horrible things again, to you. Because of one stupid moment with a dying girl in a pile of rubble, you think I can change. Tell me where I am wrong.
Cuddy: I don't want you to change. I know you're screwed up. I know you are always going to be screwed up. But you're the most incredible man I've ever known. You are always going to be the most incredible man I have ever known. So, unless you're breaking up with me, I am going home now.

[She kisses him goodbye and gets up to leave, to be held back by House grabbing her hand.]

House: I love you.

Selfish (7.02)[edit]

Wilson: What happened?
House: She said 'yes' and I heard 'no'. I didn't actually hear 'no', but I just was sure that was what she meant. What do I even care what she meant? She said 'yes' and that's all that matters. ....I'm screwing this up.

[After Cuddy gives House a kiss in front of Wilson to confirm House's claims to him]
Wilson: I've been more passionate with my great-aunt.
House: Mabel? Up high!
[A brief pause after House holds up his right hand. Cuddy grabs his crotch with a surprised look from Wilson.]
Cuddy: We done here?
[Wilson nods and she leaves.]
House: She didn't even ask me to cough.

Hugo: [To his sister Della, the patient] You do so many great things. I just watch. I get to watch and coach and cheer. That's not me out there. It never will be. If you take this piece of me, carry it with you, then I really can share everything you do. THIS is the great thing I can do with my life. Don't make me live without you.

Unwritten (7.03)[edit]

Foreman: So we're taking this case because you are a fan?
House: No, that would be crazy and unprofessional. You're taking this case because I said so.

Cuddy: You used a 3 million dollar piece of hospital equipment so you could read a novel?
House: Cool, right?
Cuddy: Well, as your girlfriend, I'm impressed. As your boss, you're a jackass. Don't do it again.
House: As your boyfriend, I thank you. As your employee, I resent you because I need this for my case.
Cuddy: As your boss, you just got six more clinic hours next week.

House: [Examining stuffed animals] Which of these says "I want to sleep with you" more? Penguin or beaver? Beaver. Beaver. Beaver. You're right. It's too high school.

House: I've been busy.
Cuddy: Doing what?
House: You.

Massage Therapy (7.04)[edit]

Chase: Oh, and she's not like Cameron.
House: True. Cameron had much smaller breasts. By which I mean she was smarter.

Taub: (looking at a picture of a young Chase with his mother) Awww, it's baby Chase and his mama.
House: Ignore the baby, look at the babe.

Cuddy: What are you doing?
House: I got bored with the porn on my computer. You got any girl on girl on girl on vibrating object on girl stuff?

House: So this time I'm gonna put you at ease. It's just you and old Doc House. A couple of pals chittin' the chat.
Chase: Why not just place a chair above a trap door with a shark tank underneath?
House: Wednesday is when I have my shark tank cleaned.

House [to Kelly]: Man, you're hot. I mean, seriously.

Wilson: How are things going with Cuddy?
House: Great. We've gotten to fifth base. That's two home runs, and then she gives me back a triple.

Wilson [to House about spending the night with Cuddy]: Are you sleeping over there yet?
House: Nope. She comes over, we hook up, she leaves.
Wilson: Whose idea was that?
House: Mine. But I let her think it's hers. That's the fun of a relationship. You get the sex, the dinners… video game partnership. I also get a full-night's sleep.

Foreman: I checked the pipes and the paint. It's not lead poisoning. You got anything?
Taub: Yeah… I was looking around in the corner over there. I found a question about why you have a problem with our new doctor.
Foreman: Sorry, we should all be super-polite in the DDXs, fail to correct each other, and then treat patients for diseases they don't have.
Taub: Dude, is this about Thirteen?
Foreman: [scoffs] No. Why are you calling me "dude"?
Taub: Maybe it's hard seeing House replace her when you've still got feelings.
Foreman: One, I don't have feelings for Thirteen beyond friendship. Two, it's a temporary replacement. And three, dude?
Taub: It felt right. [shrugs]

House [to Margaret when she regains consciousness]: Dorothy. Dorothy. Dorothy, dear… It's Aunt Em, darling.
Margaret: What's-what's wrong with me?
House: Well, on the one hand, you've got some mysterious heart and tummy problems. On the other, you look great for a 65-year-old. So who are you? And, no, that's not some weird Canadian pronunciation of "how."

Foreman [to Chase]: House was wrong trying to come up with a complicated reason you hired Kelly.
Chase: Thank you.
Foreman: It's actually quite simple. You think she's hot. You want to sleep with her.
Chase: Well, it was nice to see you finally taking an interest in my life. We should go bowling sometime.
Foreman: I'm just saying if you spend all your off-work time and energy getting laid, it's gonna spill into your work as well.

Chase [to House]: What are you doing?
House: Just letting you all share in the joys of my last trip to Carlsbad Caverns. Which the husband probably would have beaten up if he'd found it in the address book.

Kelly: Normal EKG. No osler nodes.
House: Right, Dr. Kelly!
Chase: Kelly's her first name.
House: What's your point, Dr. Robert?

Chase [to Foreman]: So who gives a crap if I prepped her?
Foreman: Uh, House. And that's just off the top of my head.
Chase: Why are you doing this? You trying to make me look bad so you look better… or you don't like her, or you're angry at me? What?
Foreman: We hire someone unqualified, it's just dead weight we'll all be pulling. Me especially.
Chase: You especially why?
Foreman: What do you mean why? Because I'm...
Chase: You're what? You're my boss or something?
Foreman: Something like.
Chase: So that's what it is. You're angry that House gave me the chance to hire someone because you still think you're at a different level to everyone else. That's just pathetic.
Foreman: I am at a different level.
Chase: Which is reflected in what, exactly? Your title? No. Your salary? Not really. Your responsibilities? Hardly. Your attitude? Ah. I think we finally found it.
Foreman: It doesn't change the fact that you made a bad decision because you want to get laid.
Chase: Or the fact that you're courageously picking on Kelly because you're scared to take on House. Congratulations. You're a real leader.

House: You know what, I'm back to the Cameron theory. That you hired the dumb version of Cameron so that you could fire her and get revenge.
Foreman: Give her a break.
House: Oh, you've switched sides? Let me guess, Chase represents the dumb version of Thirteen…
Foreman: I realized if we all just keep pressuring Kelly, of course she's gonna get stuff wrong. It's irresponsible of me to let that happen.
House: You are a true leader of men.

Unplanned Parenthood (7.05)[edit]

Wilson: [to Rachel] Hello. I'm the friendly moose that lives outside your bedroom.
House: She hates that moose.

House: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what? I know about the Jew, the black, and the Croc Hunter, but when did we get our Asian persuasion on?

Wilson: Cuddy will be home from work in six hours. But no big deal. I'll just scream, "Look over there," while you quickly shove a scope up her daughter's rectum.

Wilson: Hey, hey, hey! You are not going to pin this on me. Rachel needs to be monitored for 24 hours to see that the dime passes. You know, just to make sure she doesn't die.
House: You're telling me to do the right thing while climbing out the window?!

Foreman: Where are you?
House: I believe this is what your people term a poopie call.
Foreman: Uh, the word's booty.
House: Well, I don't know what you're doing, but this is a poopie call.

House: Foreman... you need to stay after school. [the remainder of the team leaves the room] I apparently need to apologize. Last week, I should not have gone over your head and allowed Chase to hire a new team member. So go hire someone who liked "The Bridges of Madison County."

Wilson [to House]: You told me you gave them your credit card...
House: And you were dumb enough to believe me. [Wilson walks into the house and sees Rachel. House picks up his jacket] Cuddy'll be back in an hour and ten minutes... I'll be back in an hour and five.
Wilson: [follows House to the door] Ohhh, no, you don't.
House: Oh, yes, I do.
Wilson: You're not gonna leave the kid?
House: Yes, I am. [begins putting on his coat] 'Cause unlike you, I don't have a conscience.
Wilson: [tries to get past House to the door] And unlike you, I'm not having sex with Cuddy, so I actually can leave.

Taub: So what do you guys think of Dr. Cheng?
Chase: Best treatment for a vascular malformation is surgery. And I think your wife thinks you shouldn't think anything of Dr. Cheng.

Taub [to Chase]: So, what was that shrug? A "Dr.-Cheng-could-work" shrug? Or a "House-is-gonna-crush-you-for-even-considering-her" shrug? [Chase shrugs again] You suck.
Chase: House is gonna hate anyone we hire, because he doesn't want to hire [gesticulates wildly] ...anyone.
Taub: So you think I should abstain? Just give the decision back to him?
Chase: Then he'll just mock you for being a wuss. You're screwed.

Wilson: [to House] If Rachel wakes up, she's gonna tell Cuddy everything.
House: She's two! Last night, she was whining about the giant moose that lives outside her window.

Wilson [when he sees Cuddy]: Medusa at 6:00!

Office Politics (7.06)[edit]

House: Martha M. Masters. I'm Dr. House. This is the rest of the team. Boring, Bimbo, and Bite-Size. Martha enjoys quadratic equations, Italian frescoes, and her turn-ons include learning to be a doctor.

House: Black guy campaigning for the opposition? Does Obama know about this?
Dr. Foreman: I tried calling him on the brother hotline. He didn't pick up.

Dr. Cuddy: What is that smell? Is it onions? Peppers? Oh, I know... it's a sausagefest.
House: Sausagefest implies multiples. Now, if you're talking about yardage, I'd have to agree.

Dr. Cuddy: You'll figure something out. The two of you have a combined IQ north of 300
House: That's also true of five morons.

House: How mad would you be if I fired Masters?
Dr. Cuddy: Very. Unless you had cause. Real cause. Cause that a human being would consider cause.
House: Never mind, then.

House: E coli is found in animals. So unless he's drinking pork cider... pork cider! I need the number of the patent office.

House [to Masters]: Say something brilliant.
Masters: Oh, I, I don't...
House: Capital of Azerbaijian?
Masters: Baku.
House: Year Beethoven died?
Masters: 1827.
House: Twentieth decimal of Eulier's Number?
Masters: Six. (giggles) It's my favorite constant.
House: She's like the Internet with breasts. Oh, no, wait--the Internet has breasts.

House [to Cuddy]: Just because my sausage has been filling your bun doesn't mean you get to decide what flavor chips I nosh on during the day.
Dr. Cuddy: Nope, I get to do that because I'm your boss.

A Pox on Our House (7.07)[edit]

Masters: Scrofula. That's what they called cervical T.B. lymphadenitis in the 1700s.
House: Scrofulicous. That's what they called "annoying" in the 1700s.

Chase [to House]: You just tried this. I'm not a better liar than Foreman.
House: Sure you are. You're descended from convicts.

Taub: The virus can't survive over 200 years.
House: You have.

Masters: Smallpox was eradicated over 30 years ago.
House: So were hush puppies. Have you checked out your local hipster coffee shop lately?

House: Why aren't you guys in my office?
Foreman: Why are you in the building? It's 8:00 in the morning.
House: Where's Chase?
Taub: He's not here because it's 8:00 in the morning.

Masters [to House]: You don't trust me.
House: Going behind your back works better when you're not facing us.

Masters: Julie doesn't have smallpox.
House: Did I just dream the part where I finally agreed it was smallpox? Well, if what I thought was reality was actually a dream, then the reverse... oh, my God, I had a threesome with Beyonce and Lady Gaga.

Masters: So I guess honesty is the best policy.
House: Why'd you say that? Seriously... to establish your viewpoint as if I didn't already know it. Or to demonstrate some weird cross-generational female solidarity with Cuddy?
Masters: Actually, I was just trying to fill the awkward silence.
House: Oh.

House: Look, I don't want to go all Godfather on you. This was business.

House: Are you a Stepford doctor?

Chase: Your Jedi mind tricks won't work here.
House: [gesture with his hand] Those are not the droids you are looking for.

House: So who do we believe: CDC or Dr. 90210?

Small Sacrifices (7.08)[edit]

House [to Cuddy]: What you got against chickens? One got choked last night, thanks to you.

Marisa: You don't believe in God?
House: I did. Then I grew my curly hairs.

Masters: My father's 19 years older than my mother, and they've been happily married for 32 years.
Foreman: I'm guessing your dad wasn't on the Forbes 400 and your mom didn't look like a swimsuit model. Sorry. That didn't come out right.

House: [to Taub] Trying to catch your wife cheating?
Taub: Oh… Why would you say that?
House: Missing mojo. Posture's slumped. Expression defeated. Didn't try to back up your theory. And Chase told me. Go. Find your mojo.

[While Chase and Masters are at their patient, Ramon's apartment; Chase is trying to pick the door lock]
Chase [to Masters]: You're okay with burglary now?
Masters: I asked his permission. The reason we don't ask permission is we're afraid the patient is going to hide something, but our patient hasn't been home, lives alone. He doesn't have any help, and he has no motive to hide anything.

Masters: I guess worry is good for the waistline.

House: Classic Neurohecatia. [to Ramon] Two days of anticholinergics, you'll be walking out of here.
Ramon: Really?
House: No. I just made that up to see your reaction. Diagnostic test. This is awesome. 33-year-old carpenter presenting with narcissism, delusions of grandeur, hallucinations.
Taub: He hasn't had hallucinations.
House: I'm not talking about him. I'm talking about "him" with a capital "o-m-g."

House [to Ramon]: How are you feeling?
Ramon [smiles and chuckles]: Terrible.
House[sarcastically]: Obviously.

House [in a fake Sean Connery-accent]: You look smashing, Miss Moneypenny.
Wilson [in a mock British accent]: Cumberbund, very foolish, Mr. Bond.

Ramon: Faith is not a disease.
House: No, of course not. On the other hand, it is communicable, and it kills a lot of people.

House: You're all correct. He has M.S, but not the friendly Mr. Rogers M.S.

Masters [to Ramon]: You're smiling. Does that mean that you're comfortable with your choice? Or that you're afraid? Because this may be your only hope.
Ramon: You can prescribe a lot of things, but hope isn't one of 'em.
House: Sticking by your convictions and damning the consequences. You two have a lot in common. You're both idiots.

Masters [to House]: If you had told me, he'd be dead by now. So why do I still want to tell the truth?
House: Either you're naïve or you have scruples. I'm not sure which is worse.
Masters: This is insane. We can't work like this.
House: I can.

House [to Cuddy]: I've been an idiot. I got this argument stuck in my head. If everybody lies, then trust is not only unfounded and pointless, it's fictional. But trust is not an argument that can be won or lost. Maybe I just have to suspend my cynicism and believe. Maybe it's time I took a leap of faith. [pause] I'm sorry. I won't lie to you again.

Larger Than Life (7.09)[edit]

Dr. Cuddy: Wilson.
House: It's uh, bowling night. He'll never forgive me if I don't. Oh, screw it. I'm coming.
Dr. Cuddy: No, no. no. I am not going to be responsible for that. You drugged the man, you go bowling with him.
House: Well, my chances of sex are considerably lower with Wilson.

Dr. Cuddy: House… I need you to come to that dinner for two hours. Keep your mouth shut, and behave like an adult. Yes, you will be in Hell, but I will feel better having you there. That is what a relationship is. We average our misery.

Arlene: I wish that you would take a second look. I'm tired all the time, and when it's cold I get this weird pain in my shoulder.
House: I have a pain in my leg. You don't hear me complaining... except for just now.
Arlene: How do doctors get this idea you're better than everyone else?
House: Probably all that pulling people back from the brink of death, it's just a guess.
Arlene: My own daughter is a doctor. She makes a hobby of dismissing my concerns.
House: She sounds smart.
Arlene: Did she tell you to say that?
House: I've never met your daughter.
Arlene: That's hard to believe, since you're currently shtupping her.

Masters [to House]: Why is your assumption of his guilt more valid than my assumption of his selflessness?
House: Because my assumption is backed up by millions of men, and Taub, who cheated on their wives.

Dr. Wilson [to House]: You have to go. Your girlfriend's birthday? It's not even a question.
House: She has one every year. How often do you break up with the love of your life? Okay, for you, it's more often than most, but still...
Dr. Wilson: I'm a big boy. I think I'll survive.

Masters: Jack has an infection that's spread to his mastoid.
House: Great. We'll confirm that in a week, when your secret cultures have sprouted.
Masters: Am I in trouble?
House: I only get mad when you waste my time. Couldn't care less about yours. But let me know when they come back negative, and I'll mock you.

Carrot or Stick (7.10)[edit]

Masters [about Driscoll]: Military history. In suspiciously good shape for his age. Makes a living bullying kids. I'm thinking… steroids?
House: Fascinating.
Masters [smiles]: Thanks. We can wean him off...
House: Steroids isn't fascinating, it's moronic. There's no other sign of hormonal imbalance. What's fascinating is that you equate discipline with bullying. Which means that your parents either disciplined you too much or too little. I'm guessing too little.

Masters [to Chase]: You're a whore.

Foreman [about Masters]: She's brilliant, but new to the real world.

Chase: My password was "password."
Masters: You're a dumb whore.

House [to Wilson] : How do you cheat on a test when there's no test?
Wilson: Sorry, not playing. [gets up, grabs his lab coat, and leaves his office with House following behind him.] Go away, House. [puts on his lab coat while walking] I am not giving you advice just so you can distort it to suit your own warped world view.
House: But it's been working so well. Cuddy wants to get Rachel into Waldenwood Preschool. The problem is, Rachel's dumber than a paste sandwich.
Wilson: And her not getting in bothers you. You care about Rachel. That was not advice.
House: Cuddy cares about her. When Rachel gets rejected, Cuddy will be upset. And as the boyfriend, I will be expected to be supportive and consoling.
Wilson: Not your strengths, I grant you. Leave it alone. It's just a play date. It'll be fine.
House: Play date being their code for way to weed out the paste sandwiches. They'll hand her puzzles and counting games, and Rachel will just sit there and eat the pieces. [gets an idea and turns & walks off]
Wilson: Oh, crap! Crap! I'm such a sucker!

[Foreman calls House on his cell phone as House is at a playground]
Foreman: House, where are you?
House: Playground. Great place to meet chicks. Their moms too.

Chase: Everywhere you looked, gingham and stuffed animals.
Taub: How did you get out of there?
Chase: I didn't… right away. Wasn't anything wrong with her physically.
Taub: One down, two members of the threesome to go. You should flip a condom to choose.

House [to Chase]: Cancel your credit card, find that girl, and marry her.

Masters [to Driscoll about Landon]: He doesn't need a drill instructor. He needs a dad.

Cuddy: Hey, Rachel, have you ever played "Feed the Monkey" before?
[Rachel takes her time answering. She looks up at House and back to Cuddy]
Rachel: No, Mama.

House [about Rachel]: She seemed so dumb, but when the pressure was on, she knew what had to be done, and she did it.

Ali: [to Chase]: Oh, currently, your password is "great big ho." Change it back to anything but "password."

Family Practice (7.11)[edit]

Arlene [to Cuddy]: If you're going to dress like an Italian hooker, at least let it be this year's Italian hooker.

[House and his team are watching television in the morgue]
Masters: [whispers] Is no one going to tell me.. [House shushes her as he watches television] Why we're in the morgue?
Chase: House is on the lam from someone. Taub's got his money on Wilson, but I'm pretty sure it's Cuddy.
Foreman: Fool's bet. There's a whole world of angry patients, creditors…

Taub [to House]: You bugged the room?
House: I absolutely, without apology, will admit that someone may have allegedly done so.

Cuddy [to House]: If something like that comes up again, just… do what you need to do.
House: And keep you out of it?
Cuddy: Yeah. I am being a coward, which is exactly why doctors shouldn't treat their own families. Congratulations. You were right, as usual.

Chase: What disease can turn Cuddy's mother into a coma patient named Stewart?

Foreman [to House]: Aren't there other ways of keeping Masters occupied?
House: Not according to my sexual harassment seminar.

Taub: Am I a horrible person? I used to win awards for volunteer work. I went to Guatemala and fixed cleft palates. Now we're sitting back letting Chase do our dirty work.
Foreman: We're doing the right thing. Stay out of it.
Taub: I don't know. I don't know about anything anymore. Then this thing with the kid, Rachel's brother...
Foreman: Stay out of that too. A: radiologists — experts, unlike you — said no bleed. B: you yourself said it's probably not. C: you've got no doctor-patient relationship. D: you'll lose your consulting job. E: your ex will kill you. F: I'm running out of alphabet here.

Cuddy: I can't believe it. What just happened?
House: You just killed her.
Cuddy: Are you blaming me? This is all because you're so arrogant, you goaded her into firing you!
House: Actually, my mistakes started a little after that, when I agreed to your brilliant scheme to keep me on the case after she'd fired me off it.
Cuddy: She would have left the hospital.
House: Only 'cause you would have let her, like you did just now.
Cuddy: You think I can control her?
House: I don't know. I've never seen you try.
Cuddy: I have been rebelling against this woman my entire life.
House: Here's what I've seen. She insults you, you complain to me. I drug her at dinner, you never let her know. We slip her medicine, happens behind her back. You never confront her… and it pisses me off.
Cuddy: Are you taking this personally?
House: She leaves, she dies. One day… maybe a week from now, maybe a year from now, you're gonna decide that the man sleeping next to you killed your mother.

Cuddy [to Arlene]: I asked you before why you were tough on me.
Arlene: I wasn't.
Cuddy: You were. And I know why. You see something in me that you didn't see in Julia and you didn't see in you — a type of ambition, a type of brains. That's why you rode me. You made me yearbook editor, summa undergrad, A.O.A. in med school. The only time I ever see light in your eyes is when you hear me talking about my job. The reason you keep coming to see me in the clinic is because you trust me. You trust my medical judgment. So here it is. If you transfer to Princeton General, you'll be treated well, and you'll die. If you stay here with House, you'll be treated badly, but you'll live. I don't care if I have to slash the tires of every ambulance in this bay, Mom. I am not letting you leave my hospital.

Rachel Taub [to Taub]: Chris… you were a crappy husband… but you are a good person.

House [to Masters]: Once again, you are unfired.
Masters: Why?
House: You sold me out even though you knew that you were gonna get thrown out of med school. That's just… kind of impressive.
Masters: I keep my job if I stand up to you. I keep it if I don't. I… don't buy it.
House: When Cuddy was protecting me before, she was protecting a doctor. She's now protecting a boyfriend. The hospital's not gonna put up with that for long. So I need you to protect me from doing something Cuddy will regret.

You Must Remember This (7.12)[edit]

Dr. Foreman: You're nothing but excuses and distractions.
Taub: Well, it's a nice match with your condescension and superiority.

House: Picture a door. Unlocked with the key of the mind. Two medical cases, both more fascinating than the last.
Masters: That actually makes no logical sense.
House: This is not a door to logical sense. Also, shut up.

House: Who's Sarah? Wilson's friend.
Dr. Cuddy: My computer crashed. Lost my database of his acquaintances.
House: Or you're both lying to me.
Dr. Cuddy: I know nothing about Wilson having a friend named Sarah. Satisfied?
House: Noooooo.

Masters: What about a tutor?
Taub: I don't need a tutor.
House: Tutor it is. Choose your poison. Chase, if you prefer pounding Aussie beers and commiserating over the suckiness of divorce. Masters, if you want nervous energy, flash cards, and obnoxious pieces of arcane trivia. Foreman, if you need to be berated by a humorless hard-ass.
Taub: Foreman.
House: Interesting. You must be more worried than you look.

Taub: I'm totally fine. I aced my first pathology boards.
Dr. Foreman: Medicine's come a long way in the last hundred years.

Dr. Foreman [to House]: Why are you giving me these?
House: Because, while they're all running all these tests, you will be submitting the insurance forms.
Dr. Foreman: There's an entire department for that.
House: Exactly. The Foreman Department. Of which you are the foreman, Foreman.

Two Stories (7.13)[edit]

House: Any questions?
Alex: (raises his arm) What's a vibrator?

Sophie: Isn't that like sexual harassment?
House: Not if you are good-looking.

(after House tells the class about the lung)

Sophie: How is it even possible?
House: That's what she said. (after noticing that the class keeps looking at him) No, seriously, she really said that.
Masters: (flashback) How is it even possible?

Cuddy: I just need some time alone.
House: Because I used your toothbrush?!
Cuddy: And you didn't take out the trash.
House: That's insane. You know that, right?
Cuddy: You do whatever you want. Always.
House: I said I was sorry! I was still half asleep. I wasn't paying attention!
Cuddy: And you're always right. And not you always think you're right. You are actually always right, because that's all that matters.
House: That doesn't even make sense. You want me to be wrong?
Cuddy: I want you to care about more than just what you want. What you think. You need me, House. You may even love me, but you don't care about me, and deserve someone who does.

Ms. Fields: Dr. House, can I ask you a question? Are you insane or just stupid?
House: Is there a third option?
Ms. Fields: Actually, I don't think there is.
House: I'm sorry. I just wasn't thinking. I mean, I was, but only about myself, which is apparently the way I am. Usually. Not always. I need to convince someone of that.
Ms. Fields: And you think you can do that by getting someone to pull strings to get her daughter into our pre-school. I spoke to Sanford Wells.
House: You can call the police. You can turn me in for lying at the accident.
Ms. Fields: I'm sure Mr. Dryden has already taken care of that.
House: Let her daughter in. She's a great kid and Dr. Cuddy is a great mom. They'll fit in perfectly here.
Ms. Fields: And how exactly does admitting her daughter prove how unselfish you are? It seems like you're still doing it to help yourself, not anyone else.
House: I don't know. I just know that I need to do something. I need her in my life. Do you know what it's like to actually need someone?
Ms. Fields: Yes. I do. But I also know what it's like to have responsibilities. Maybe it's time you grew up.

Recession Proof (7.14)[edit]


Cuddy: House! I assume you're avoiding me because of the charity gala.
House: This Friday? It's completely slipped my mind.
Cuddy: So you'll be there?
House: No, I meant it slipped my mind to tell you I'm not going.
Cuddy: What do you think it'll look like if you don't show up when I get an award?
House: Like I don't give a crap about awards, charities, what it looks like.
Cuddy: If you ever want…
House: I RSVPed two days ago. What, you think I'm a complete ass?
Cuddy: If you were already going, why did you…
House: Foreplay.

Foreman [to Taub]: Are you wearing my tie?
Taub: Oh, I saw it in your closet, and it happened to match my shirt.
Foreman: Why were you in my closet?
Taub: Looking for a tie. What's the big deal?
House: Obviously, he wants you out of the closet for some reason. I suspect marriage, but I'm liberal that way.

House: Autopsy report was negative for communicable disease. Cause of death was an overly stabby girlfriend.

House: Show of hands. Who's going to this charity thing Friday night? (Chase and Taub rise hands.)
Chase: Already got a date.
House: Cuddy is getting an award. I think we should all be there, show our support.
Foreman: I assume you're planning on screwing it up, so you want to maximize witnesses.
House: Why does everyone go to that?
Foreman: Experience?
House: Shut up! How 'bout go… or work the clinic all weekend? I hear it's genital herpes awareness month.

House [about Foreman and Taub]: What, you two can't think and poop at the same time? There's a life at stake here!

[House is auditioning a mariachi band for the charity gala and Wilson interrupts them]
Wilson: Hey!
[House whistles and the music stops]
House: Huh?
Wilson: What are you doing?
House: What's it look like I'm doing? Auditioning a band for Friday night.
Wilson: So you're trying to ruin Cuddy's moment in the spotlight.
House: Ruin? These guys recorded with Juan Gabriel. They're gonna cost me 2 grand. This is not a prank. These guys are the beginning of Cuddy's evening to remember. Which, in turn, will make my evening…
Wilson: I think, if you do this, your evening will end with you in your apartment alone… with a sock.
House: Muchachos, adelante. Tres, cuatro… [the music starts again]

Chase [about Bert]: His hearing is almost completely gone.
Masters: The new blood and CSF tests were negative for spores and fungus.
Chase: Tumor necrosis factor syndrome? Fits the conjunctivitis and painful swelling in his joints.
Masters: Except it's never been documented to cause hearing loss. Ever.
House: Oh, no, she di'int!
Chase: This isn't the classroom. In the real world, real doctors know that patients can have more than one thing wrong with them.
House: Zing.
Chase: He was taking Vicodin. Extreme abusers can experience hearing loss.
Masters: Except his drug levels never got into the ototoxic zone.
Chase: You have a better idea?
House: I do. Only in the sense that you're wasting my time with a bad idea and she's wasting my time with no idea. Maybe we should hear from silent and silenter.

Wilson [to Cuddy]: Looking forward to Friday night?
Cuddy: Yes and no. Yes, because it is a great honor, and no because… Well, you know the because.
Wilson: You think House is going to embarrass you.
Cuddy: Well, not intentionally. [glances at Wilson] Maybe intentionally.

Masters [to Chase]: Do you even like me?
Chase: Why?
Masters: I put making friends and having relationships on hold so I could concentrate on studying. I always thought there'll be plenty of time for that in the future. But… now when I do want them… I can't even get a date to this charity event. If I can't establish relationships in my personal life, how will I ever do it with a patient?
Chase: Be honest with her. But if it comes down to a choice between the brutal truth and hope: side with hope.

Foreman: We've got 15 minutes to get there if we wanna see the board freak when House's mariachi band marches in.

House: [knocks repeatedly on Cuddy's door until she opens it] We really, really need to talk.
Cuddy: You're drunk and you screwed up big time. Go home! [House walks in, Cuddy closes the door] You completely disappeared on me! You wouldn't even answer your cell phone.
House: You're going to want to sit down for this. [motions toward the sofa] Go ahead. Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit. I have made a decision. Being happy and being in love with you makes me a crappy doctor.
Cuddy: Shut up. You're too drunk to end this relationship.
House: I am drunk, and I'm also right. You have made me a worse doctor, and people are going to die because of that. [long pause] And you are totally worth it. If I had to choose between saving everyone or loving you and being happy, I choose you. I choose being happy with you. I will always choose you. [sits in the sofa, lays his head down in Cuddy's lap]

Bombshells (7.15)[edit]

House: Good thing I brought my Axe-Cane.

[In a sitcom style similar to Two and a Half Men. Applause; knock on door]

Wilson: I’ll get it!
House [off screen]: That better be her.

[Wilson opens the door. A police officer and a little girl wearing flannel with a stripe of pink in her hair are standing in the hallway. The audience oohs.]

Wilson: Rachel Cuddy, you were supposed to be home half an hour ago.
Rachel: Don’t blame me; he’s the one who wouldn’t run any red lights.

[The audience laughs. The police officer walks Rachel inside the apartment.]

Officer: The mouth on that kid makes Mel Gibson sound like Nelson Mandela. Where’d she learn that?

[House enters blowing a bubble with gum. The audience cheers wildly.]

House [to the officer]: I don’t know why you’re here, but I didn’t do it.
Wilson: What’s the problem, officer?
Officer: She was shoplifting down at the mall. Are either of you this girl’s father?
House: Nope! But since her mom died, she’s my favorite tax write-off. [walks over to the door and sees the officer out] Officer, you have my word it won’t happen again, ‘cause next time she won’t get caught.

[House slams the door shut behind the officer, then turns and high-fives Rachel. They hug. Wilson shrugs and joins in on the hug. Cuddy then wakes up from her dream, gasping and staring at the medication on her nightstand.]


House: If you don't make it, I won't sleep with anyone for at least a month.
Cuddy: [smiles] Make it two.
House: Bitch.

Cuddy: You took Vicodin. When you came to my hospital room that night, you were stoned.
House: How did you know?
Cuddy: How did I not know? How did I make myself forget for months that you're an addict?
House: It was a one time thing.
Cuddy: This is not about the pills, House. It's about what they mean.
House: I was scared because I thought my girlfriend might die.
Cuddy: No. You don't take Vicodin because you're scared. You take it so you won't feel pain. Everything you've ever done is to avoid pain; drugs, sarcasm, keeping everybody at arm's length so no one can hurt you.
House: As opposed to everyone else in the world who goes looking for pain like it's buried treasure?
Cuddy: Pain happens when you care. You can't love someone without making yourself open to their problems, their fears, and you're not willing to do that.
House: I came -- I came to be with you.
Cuddy: You weren't with me. Not really.
House: I wanted to be.
Cuddy: That's not enough.
House: I can do better.
Cuddy: I don't think you can. You'll choose yourself over everybody else over and over again because that's just who you are. [strokes House's face] I'm sorry.
House: No, no, no.
Cuddy: I thought I could do this.
House: Don't, don't. Please don't.
Cuddy: Goodbye, House.

Taub [about the video their patient made]: Copied from his flash drive. Do I go to the cops?
Chase: Yes. "Officer, I'd like to report an assault. The victim was a pile of leaves."

Masters [to Taub]: What are you gonna do?
Taub: What do you think I should do?
Masters: Pssh. Ha. So you can do the opposite? There are kids all over the country doing dumb, potentially violent things, but the percentage of them who would actually kill anybody is miniscule.
Taub: So I shouldn't do anything.
Masters: Mmmm… while the odds are low, the fallout could be… huge. Tens or even hundreds of lives.
Taub: So I should call the cops.
Masters: Of course, over-identification with the subject could skew the calculation towards being extra-protective. Or alternatively...
Taub: You suck at this.
Masters: [nearly in tears] Hate the statistics… not the statistician.

Cuddy [to House]: Did you actually wake up early and hide under the bed just to scare the crap outta me?
House: Set an alarm and everything.
Cuddy: It's like dating a ten-year-old.
House: God, I hope not.

Cuddy [to House]: Get them outta here. My urethra is not for public entertainment.
House: But it is a good-time adjacent.

House [to Cuddy]: Meet me in the cafeteria in ten. There'll be a corn dog with your name on it. I mean an actual corn dog. They fixed the deep fryer.

Taub [to the patient, Ryan]: I know what it's like to be 16.
Ryan: You also know what it's like to be depressed. You figured out my deal after only a few minutes, but I been fooling my friends and parents for months.
Taub: It's my job to notice things. Maybe talking to your parents would make things better.
Ryan: I've tried. They take it personally that I'm not happy, and then I end up having to make them feel better. They don't get me. No one does.
Taub: In med school, it seemed like everybody else could handle the pressure. I couldn't. I ended up hurting myself. Stupidest thing I've ever done.

House [to Cuddy]: You're freaking out because of one ultrasound performed by an incompetent Bonobo monkey.
Cuddy: As demonstrated by my sitting here calmly going about my business.
House: [in a shrill tone] Calling a lawyer, drafting a will! [Cuddy gives him a look.] Okay. I-I… hacked into your online schedule. Look, tests always show something. A mass in your kidney could be a complex cyst. It could be benign.
Cuddy: I'm a single mom. I need to set up a trust, appoint a guardian. It's silly that I haven't done it before now.
House: But you're doing it now because you think you're sick. The freaking out can at least wait until after the biopsy this afternoon.
Cuddy: The biopsy's not till tomorrow. It's the first opening in the schedule.
House: For the Dean of Medicine, the first opening in the schedule is… Oh, look! Now. [turns his arm as if he were showing her a watch even though he isn’t wearing one.]
Cuddy: My worry isn't any more important than anyone else's.
House: Actually, it is.
Cuddy: But I'm not sick, right?
House: [quietly] Good point. [He leaves.]

Cuddy [to Julia]: I mean, if you're okay with this. You have 3 kids of your own.
Julia: It's not even a question. Of course I'll be Rachel's guardian. And House is cool with this? I mean, you guys…
Cuddy: We've only been together a few months.
Julia: Hmm. Seems like a lot longer. Probably because you've been talking about him for ten years. And by talking, I mean ranting about wanting to smash his teeth in with a stapler for being such a jerk.
Cuddy: People change.

[When House arrives at Wilson's office]
House: What are you doing here?
Wilson: Pie-eating contest.
House: Cuddy's biopsy is in an hour. You should be keeping her company.
Wilson: Okay. You've been worried that your relationship is getting in the way of your diagnoses, you're protecting your patient. Either that or… you're an ass.
House: Three: I hate the smell of death.
Wilson: The chances of Cuddy having renal cell carcinoma...
House: I'm talking about our relationship. She needs support and comfort, both things that I famously suck at. This will inevitably lead to...
Wilson: You know what's good for that? Practice. Doing it... I don't know... once?
House: I'm not gonna act like there's a crisis before we know there is one. There's no proof there's anything wrong with her.
Wilson: There's no proof she's being stalked by Ninja squirrels either, but if she's scared of them… as her boyfriend, it's your job to figure out how to help her feel better.
House: [thinks this over and nods] You're right.

Taub: While he's doing that, can I at least search his house for drugs?
House: Have I ever said no to that question?

Chase [to Cuddy]: Do you want me to quote from First Corinthians? 'Cause I can do that.
Cuddy: As a Jew, I'm gonna have to decline that offer.
Chase: Don't know what you're missing. St. Paul was really on his game.

Foreman [to Taub]: What is it with you and this kid?
Taub: He's doggy-paddling in a sea of misery.
Foreman: How far did you have to reach back for that memory? Last night? Sometimes I hear you in the living room watching TV at 3:00 a.m.
Taub: That's when classic Doctor Who comes on the BBC.
Foreman: Yeah, if only they had some device that allowed you to record them and watch them it another time.

House: All dream symbols mean you’re stressed at work. Or castration anxiety.

Wilson [to House]: I was going to send Chase to tell you what the obvious right thing to do is here is, but then I realized that if you were too stupid to know how stupid that was, you might miss the irony.

Out of the Chute (7.16)[edit]

Cuddy: I think maybe you're looking for something that can excite you. Fill a void. And it's affecting your judgement.
House: You're right. I am. But my damaged, depressed, drug-addled judgment is still better than yours or any other doctor's in this hospital. And my team is going to do this procedure and save his life. So you can either have security arrest me and my team or you can get the hell out of my way. [He pauses and watches her face] And she caves.

Wilson [to Cuddy]: Just give him another chance. He deserves it.
Cuddy: I know. But this isn't about what he deserves. When things go wrong, I don't want to hope that I'm not alone. I want to know it. With House... every time I needed him to step up... He's just never gonna be that. It's not his fault. It's who he is. I should have known it. This is my fault.

Wilson [to House]: We are gonna talk about this, and we're gonna deal with this.
House: So I have no choice. Fine. Unless... unless... yes, I do. I do have legs. I see you didn't factor those into your brilliant plan.

Wilson [to Cuddy about House]: He needs you.
Cuddy: I love him. And I know he loves me. But I just can't.
Wilson: He needs you in his life. Even if you're not sleeping with him, he needs you. Without you...
Cuddy: You can't go backwards. I can't fix his problem. I am his problem.

House: Nothing is either as bad or as good as we think it is at the time. That's why T.O. mocks his opponents immediately after scoring. He doesn't wait till his friend shows up the next day to tell him to deal with it. 2 weeks from now, maybe a little more, maybe a little less, my life will be back to its usual level of crappiness. Till then, the only real issue is how much I'm gonna spend on hotel charges.

Masters [about House]: Cuddy dumped him?
Taub: Don't do that. Don't get sucked in.
Masters: He loves her. What? You can't feel bad for him for 5 minutes?
Taub: I can feel bad for him while still expecting him to act like an adult, show up for work, and not go on a booze, Vicodin, and hooker-filled bender.
Foreman: Which is why for now we're gonna handle the case without him.
Chase: Oh, is that the reason? I thought it was because you can't pass up any chance to seize control.
Foreman: I said "we." You want "pretty please" too?

House: Who's in charge?
Foreman: House, as long as you're not here, someone has to have the final…
House: Let me rephrase. Who's your daddy?

Taub [to House]: Let me rephrase. You have to decide if you're gonna buck up, get out of bed, and do your job, or if you're gonna wallow in self-pity.
House: Those my only 2 choices? Or can I also point out the self-pity coming from you? You're just annoyed because when your relationship ended, no one gave a crap, including you.
Taub: That is not true in so many ways.
House: And, Chase, stop screwing with Foreman. [Chase, whose hands are almost covering his mouth, grins broadly.] And, Foreman, no. Till the telephone gets uninvented, no one in that room needs more authority than I give them, and right now I give you the authority to scope his GI tract and biopsy his parotid. And you can pick up the phone.

Masters [to Taub]: You really think House isn't using Vicodin?
Taub: Does it actually worry you?
Masters: If he's self-prescribing meds, that could affect his judgment.
Taub: And does that worry you?
Masters: Are you being sarcastic?
Taub: If his rule-breaking is affecting his judgment, then you can step in and you can worry, but if he's just coming up with ideas that we haven't thought of but we should have, then our job is to shut up and do it.

Masters: House, how many prostitutes have you had?
House: As in eaten? Ever? This year?

Taub [to Masters]: It's interesting.
Masters: No, it's not. It's mundane and simple. He's obviously a very blessed specimen, so from an evolutionary point of view, he'd produce healthy offspring, so my prefrontal cortex is telling me I should have sex with him.
Taub: Oh. Is that all?
Masters: Yes. My rational brain knows he's a hillbilly and an idiot.
Taub: And yet somehow your rational brain is losing the argument, which is interesting.

[After House jumps from a balcony into a pool]
House: What do you do when you win?
Students: Party!
House: What do you do when you lose?
Students: Party harder!

Fall From Grace (7.17)[edit]

Wilson: You're trying to screw with Cuddy.
House: Yeah, it's the classic 'you dump me so I'm going to get married a week later' ruse. Cuz not only is she that stupid, but apparently I'm that stupid.

House: Kid's a junkie.
Taub: Tox screens were negative for drug use.
House: His hair wasn't. I had it tested. Because unlike Santa and the Easter Bunny, homeless, non-mentally-ill 20 somethings without drug problems don't exist.

House: Once an addict, always an addict. [House takes Vicodin]

Masters: Think House is coming in today?
Foreman: Maybe if we start offering spa treatments.
Masters: He already jumped off of a hotel balcony. Who knows what he'll do next?

Masters: Seriously, who is that?
Taub: They say he's a righteous dude.

[When House arrives in his office on a Segway with Dominika]
House: Before I forget, I want you to meet Dominika. She's about to become a permanent member of Team House.
Dominika [stands and hook her arm into House's arm possessively]: Nice to be meetings you all. [puts a wedding invitation down on the table]
Chase: Doing what exactly?
House: Me. We're getting married on Friday. (to Dominika) Mount up!
[Dominika gets on the Segway behind House and puts her arms around his waist]
Masters: I don't think that two people are supposed…
House: Living on the edge, baby doll!
[House honks the horn and he and Dominika roll out of the conference room on the Segway]

House [about his Segway]: Have you any idea how much this toy cost?
Cuddy: I don't care.
House: For some reason, my leg's been hurting a lot this week.
Cuddy: For some reason, I still don't care.

Wilson: Congratulations on your engagement.
House: I hear a strange voice.
Dominika: A very soft-looking man. Must be the Wilson.

Taub [when House's helicopter hits him in the head]: Ow! What the hell?
House: Negative reinforcement.

Dominika: In your head!
House: It's "face."
Dominika: On your face!
House: Close enough.

Masters [about the patient]: We have to help him.
House: I'd love to, but I got 4 million other crazy people ahead of him on my to-do list, along with milk.

[While House and his team are riding in a monster truck]
Foreman [to House]: Would you slow down! You're gonna get us arrested.
Taub: I wouldn't worry about it. We'll probably die first.
House: Don't make me take my shoe off!

[When House checks the patient, Danny's pulse]
Danny: Who are you?
House: Shhh!
Danny: What are you doing?
House: Test.
Danny: Who are you?
House: The important question is, who are you? Danny Jennings is dead, which means that Danny Jennings has no pulse. You, on the other hand… do. Ergo, you are not Danny Jennings. [leans his cane against the bed] Or I did the test wrong. So why don't you cut the crap and tell me your real name.
Danny: No.
House: Hiding your identity… Well, either you're a criminal or a superhero.
Danny: I'm not a criminal.
House: Awesome. What color is my underwear?

Masters [about Danny]: Did you find out his real name?
House: Cerebellar ataxia.
Masters: That's a weird name.

Wilson [about House]: He's gone too far. He's taking up six handicapped spaces with a monster truck.
Cuddy: It's only four, and he's gonna get rid of it after the wedding.
Wilson: And the chapel… He's turned the chapel into his own personal catering hall.
Cuddy: Who cares? Other than a janitor sleeping off a bender, he's the first person to use it in two weeks.
Wilson: Appeasement is never the answer in the face of naked aggression. It won't be long before his tanks are rolling down your Champs-Elysees.
Cuddy: I know what House is doing. You, on the other hand… why do you care? He isn't hurting anyone.
Wilson [walks to the chair in front of Cuddy's desk and sits down with his arms crossed over his chest]: You're the first boss he's ever had who could handle him. Before you, he was either fired or buried under a mountain of malpractice suits. He needs someone to say no. He needs someone he'll listen to, when they say no. If you really care about House, you'll stop feeling sorry for him and get out there and start kicking him where he needs kicking.

Cuddy [to House]: The chapel still has sanctity for some people.
House: You're right. I think I saw Blue the janitor passed out in one of the pews last week.
Cuddy: It's "Lou," and I would have thrown him out too.

[Near the end of the episode, Masters arrives at work the next morning to find a crowd gathered around Danny's hospital room; Masters finds Foreman standing at the nurse's station]
Masters: What's going on?
Foreman: Danny disappeared without checking out.
[FBI investigators are searching Danny’s room]
Masters: So you called the FBI? [approaches Taub and Chase, who have been watching the proceedings happening in Danny’s room]
Chase: We didn't call them, they just showed up. Danny's DNA… When we sent it to the lab for testing, it set off alarm bells all over the country.
Masters: Alarm bells for what?
Foreman: He's linked to 13 unsolved murders in 10 different states.
Chase: He's a serial killer who eats his victims.
Taub: And we saved him. [Masters has a look of devastation on her face]

The Dig (7.18)[edit]

Foreman: House says he is gonna be out for the next three days.
Chase: Sweet! If I go straight to the airport, I can make Cabo for the last call.

Foreman: Where are you?
House: On my way to the greater Schenectady chili cook-off and spud gun competition.

Chase [to Masters about the patient]: You were right. That was an interesting case. You start him on Levaquin. [walking away] I'll start looking for my good flip-flops.

[Thirteen is driving in the car with House]
Thirteen: What's this really all about, House? As convincing as I find your deep devotion to vegetable trajectory.
House: First of all, it's a tuber. And you're just jealous because your potato-related plans are more of the serving up fries variety. [Thirteen doesn’t get what he is saying.] You did time. Means your license is suspended. Which means your leave of absence is definitely indefinite. What exactly are you going back to?
Thirteen: I'd only have to serve up fries until the medical board hearing.
House: I stand corrected. You obviously have a rich, full life waiting for you. I'll slow down the car and you can roll out.
Thirteen: I don't even have a change of clothes.
House: Damn. If only I'd planned for that.

Thirteen: The interrogation thing is getting annoying.
House: Studies have shown that un-annoying interrogation is 50% less effective.

House [to Thirteen]: Junior year high school, you placed fourth in the West Virginia all-county science fair. Your project? Clean combustion.
Thirteen: Yeah. I also wore a training bra. Things have changed.
House [under his breath]: Not that much.

Foreman [to Taub]: You gonna tell me where you were last night?
Taub: I ran into a friend.
Foreman: We had 50 bucks on the Bulls. I had to eat a large pizza by myself.
Taub: You missed me.
Foreman: Not as much as I miss my $50.

House [to Thirteen]: You were writing bogus prescriptions for medical marijuana. [He doesn't get an answer from Thirteen] Please say no because you have to be an idiot to actually screw that up.
Thirteen: No. I mean, I was, but I didn't get caught.
House: I have to admit, you have one of the best game faces I've ever seen. Also one of the best game bodies.

House [to Thirteen]: Didn't know you were a Jehovah's Witness.
Thirteen: Yeah, the weak lost faith when Christ didn't return in '75, but I still believe.

Thirteen [to House] : You know, I'm actually kind of hurt that you don't know what I did. I'm not worth bribing a court official or hacking into police records?
House: Where's the fun in that?
Thirteen: You could have at least hired Cuddy's weird boyfriend.
House: Lucas?
Thirteen: Mm-hmm.
House: You don't know?
Thirteen: What, is he dead or something?
House: No. Actually, until a couple of weeks ago, I was Cuddy's weird boyfriend.

Thirteen [to House]: You're awfully quiet.
House: Sorry. That's just how I get around people who have recently killed a man.

Chase [about the patient]: You missed something at his place. His wife.

House [to his team]: Go with God. And some air freshener.

Taub [to Foreman]: You're mad.
Foreman: No. Actually, I'm impressed. Messing around on a 22-year-old hottie with your wife on my sofa. You're a full-throttle head case.
Taub: I was doing you a solid with the sofa. Rachel wanted to do it in your bed. You've got the memory foam top.
Foreman: Let's make this really simple: If I own it, I don't want you doing it on it.
Taub: You might want to get rid of your kitchen table. Look, I'm sorry.. [slightly laughing] but it was worth it.

House [to Masters]: Hey, Harriet the Spy, before you get too full of yourself, you might want to go back to bio 101. It takes two to not-tango.

Foreman: Sounded a lot like… Thirteen.
House: It's a Thirteen tribute band with their new song, "I've got a better theory than Masters."

[After House drops Thirteen off at her home]
House: Home, sweet home. [Thirteen doesn't get out of the car and looks out the window] You owe me 87 bucks for gas.

House [to Thirteen]: I'll kill you. When the time comes, if you want me to. I'll do it now if you like. [looking behind him.] I think I've got a baseball bat in the back.

Last Temptation (7.19)[edit]

Masters: She could die.
House: Pretty sure the law of the land states that everyone has the right to be an idiot. I think it's the Second Amendment.

House: Masters, there's no hurry. There's no wrong choices. At least, that's what they tell people who make crappy choices.

Dr. Cuddy: Working with House is great. And it sucks. Often simultaneously.

Masters: Isn't that House's chicken?
Dr. Wilson: Disgusting beasts. I don't know why I ever agreed to this bet.
Masters: So call it off.
Dr. Wilson: And lose $20?

Masters [to Thirteen]: Why are you lying about rehab?
Thirteen: Because the real reason I was gone is not something I want to share.
Masters: Couldn't you just say that? Should be enough for Foreman and the others.
Thirteen: How long have you worked here. House's people have personalities that range from nosy to, "pardon me while I do this cavity search."

Dr. Foreman [to Masters]: I'm glad you're gonna be sticking around after today.
Masters: Really? You want me to stay?
Dr. Foreman: It's good to add a different perspective to the department. Someone who still remembers there are rules other than House's.
Masters: If I don't play by House's rules, he won't let me in.
Dr. Foreman: Find a way around them.
Masters: I'd have to lie to him, which is still lying.
Thirteen: Lying about a lie, that's practically telling the truth.

Thirteen: Thank you, House, for respecting my privacy. What a perfect reminder that I'm back.
Dr. Foreman: I didn't even know you had a problem.
House: Loved ones are always the last to know. Loved ones and robotic, estranged ex-boyfriends.

Masters: I broke the rules because I believed I was right.
House: You were right.
Masters: Then why don't I feel good or satisfied? Instead, I just feel like throwing up.
House: And you're following me to ask how I break the rules and maintain my rosy demeanor.
Masters: I didn't do it to be happy. I just thought I would be.
House: You can't always get what you want.

Changes (7.20)[edit]

Taub: Sure, some people will screw up anything, but some won't. That kind of cash, he has a chance to turn a miserable life around.
House: Miserable stays miserable. Happy doesn't buy lottery tickets in the first place.
Thirteen: Our level of happiness is set. It's in our DNA. No cash payout's gonna change that.
House: It's like there's two of me.

Dr. Cuddy: My mom and I got into a fight, Because of our replacement hip replacement, she can barely get around her own house. I told her she has to live with me while she recovers.
House: Oh, I'm starting to get the connection. Yeah, she has a house. My name is House.
Dr. Cuddy: You're the doctor that treated her, that illegally switched her meds after she fired you, that went behind the back of her actual doctor.
House: Those beads from Thailand. If we're listing all the things that you pressured me into.

Dr. Cuddy: My mother's lawyer called. She's threatening to sue the hospital over our mistreatment of her. Says it slowed her recovery.
House: You know, I was just thinking how much I want a relationship with no sex, but where I still have to deal with your mother.

Dr. Cuddy [to House]: No clinic hours for the next quarter.
House: Yeah, three parking spots, next to each other, so I can park diagonally. And three pairs of your underwear. I'm thinking of taking up sailing.
Dr. Cuddy: Treat your patient, don't treat your patient. Come to the meeting, don't come to the meeting. I'm done playing your game.
House: You realize the game is automatically over when the loser loses, right?

Dr. Cuddy: He is being an ass. If I could join you in suing him...
House: She's like this in bed, too. Always scheming to get the lawyers out of the room.

Thirteen: I think if she said yes after 14 hours, even he'd be suspicious.
Taub: You're lucky you're hot and smart, because... well, you're just lucky you're hot and smart.

Dr. Foreman [to House]: (in a yoga position with his legs over his head) I need a hooker.
House: Not if you can make that work.

House: Down on the patient's romance because your own lifespan is shorter than dinner and a movie?
Thirteen: You're the one who said miserable stays miserable.
House: You keep saying it. Several times a day.
Thirteen: I love being back, having every theory you and I share used as proof of my own personal damage.

Thirteen: She won't let us make a move until you agree to a sit-down with the Godmother and her consigliere.
House: Bitch to King Four.
Taub: Checkmate. Patient can't use his leg. You have to concede.
House: Or I could just knock all the pieces onto the floor.

House: It'll end horribly.
Thirteen: Not for him. She may take all his money, and he may be a naive idiot but he'll always be hopeful, so he'll always be happy.
House: You lost your mother. You euthanized your brother. You got the life expectancy of a pretty good sitcom. If you can convince yourself that you'd be miserable no matter what, even without all that stuff, the maybe you don't have to hate the universe, for dumping a giant turd on you. Fatalism is your survival mechanism.
Thirteen: And you? Dumped by everyone you've ever loved. Rehab was a bust. Your leg feels like someone took a giant bite out of it. We are who we are. Lotteries are stupid.

The Fix (7.21)[edit]

Thirteen: Karma's a bitch.
Dr. Foreman: You think her seizures are the result of bad karma?
Thirteen: I think if you spend your days designing ever more effective ways to blow people up, stuff's bound to come back to you.

Dr. Wilson: If he's ignoring you, it's because he trusts you.
Dr. Foreman: No, it's not.
Dr. Wilson: No, it's not, but he does.
Dr. Foreman: Thanks. I feel all warm inside.

Taub: Underlying neurological condition exasperated by an acute UTI brought on her sexual escapades.
Thirteen: Slut? Escapade? How do we treat? A scarlet "A"?
Taub: Sorry. Acute URI brought on her by her healthy enjoyment of her womanhood.

Terry: What the hell?
House: Don't worry. It's just epinephrine.
Terry: Ep... is it dangerous?
House: In the wrong hands, very. So... yeah, sort of.

Dr. Foreman: My theory is that he's only avoiding us because he really wants to avoid you.
Dr. Cuddy: Ma nishtana.
Foreman looks blank
Dr. Cuddy: You made it through med school without ever attending a seder? It means, "Why is this night different from all other nights?"

House: Leg hurts. Would you mind getting me a coffee?
Dr. Riggin: How does coffee help your leg?
House: It will prevent me from walking to get the coffee.
Dr. Riggin: Right.

House: [referring to his patient] Apparently she's...a slutty scientist, whose milkshake brought all the nerds to the yard...

After Hours (7.22)[edit]

Dr. Wilson: You're an ass.
House: What, for trying to walk on a freshly mangled leg? Performing surgery on myself? For thinking I could solve my emotional problems with rat medicine? If you're gonna nag, at least have the decency to be specific.

Darrien [to Thirteen]: I told you I couldn't go back. I shouldn't have trusted you. I never liked you. I killed time with you 'cause I was locked in a cage. You were a distraction. Someone to talk to so I didn't have to think about... everything else.
Thirteen: You're lashing out... I get it. But in a month, you'll thank me. Or maybe you won't, I don't know. But... I know I saved your life.

House [to Cuddy]: There are no cars coming. Just go.
Rachel: The light is red, ye bloody scallywag.
Cuddy: Stop with the pirate talk.
House: If you don't want Brownbeard to end up with two wooden legs, better get your ma to move this ship, you mangy bilge rat.
Cuddy: Of course... you showed her that filthy cartoon. What kind of idiot lets a three-year-old watch that?
House: If you want to lecture me on my poor judgment, there seems to be more relevant examples.

Cuddy: Someone better be dying.

Thirteen: Great. I need you to stop at the hospital and check out a portable ultrasound machine for me.
Chase: Who's the father?

Chase [to Thirteen]: You killed your own brother?
Thirteen: Yes. It was awful and devastating, but it wasn't murder. He was sick and he wanted to die, and I promised I would help. Now please stop pacing and help me find this thing.
Chase: Have you talked to anybody about it? I mean, are you okay?
Thirteen: No, I may have an aortic arch aneurysm. Oh, wait, that's her. Either help me or leave.

Taub: I don't know why she's even considering having my kid. She barely knows me. All she knows is I'm a short, balding guy. It doesn't even make evolutionary sense.
Foreman: You want her to keep it?
Taub: No.
Foreman: 'Cause you'd make a crappy dad.
Taub: I said, "no."
Foreman: You're too selfish. That's why you cheated on your wife, why your marriage fell apart—
Taub: Dude, I said...
Foreman: I know you. The only reason you're sitting in a strip club, ignoring the strip club, is because you actually are considering it.

[When Darrien's condition grows worse]
Chase [to Darrien]: It's time to get you to the hospital.
Darrien: Oh, no. (looks at Thirteen) Remy, you promised.
Thirteen: (looking up at Chase) All we'll do at the hospital is stick her in a patient bed and give her IV clotting factor. We can do that right here.
Chase: We could also embalm her right here.
Thirteen: I'll call the drugs in. You go pick them up. If I'm right, she'll be fine. Look, I know you don't know her and you don't care about her, but I do. Please.

[Rachel is watching an adult pirate cartoon]
Cuddy: (to Rachel) What are you watching?
Rachel: TV, you bloody scallywag. [Cuddy turns off the TV] (whining) Mo-om!

[When House calls Cuddy for help, he is lying in the bathtub with his leg bleeding]
House [to Cuddy]: I tried calling everyone else. You were the last one on the list.
Cuddy: Any reason why 911 wasn't on the list?

[Cuddy is driving House to the hospital]
Rachel: What happened to your leg?
House: I was trying to make it better.
Cuddy [to Rachel]: He was being reckless. Sit back, honey. (to House) This isn't about making your leg better. It's about making your life better.
House: Here we go. Wish I had called 911.
Cuddy: Why else would you risk your life doing something so stupid?
House: Well, you know, I've had a lot of setbacks lately.
Cuddy: Don't blame our breakup for this. You're not unhappy because of me. You're just unhappy. Unhappy people do reckless things.

[Taub is waiting outside the strip club and Foreman comes out of the club]
Foreman [to Taub]: There you are. You were in the VIP room so long, I thought you were gonna pay off that girl's mortgage.
Taub: I got tossed out by Bobby the bouncer.
Foreman: You touched her?
Taub: I was looking at her mole.
Foreman: (chuckling) Genius. Let's go home.
Taub: I want to wait for the girl, make sure that mole's okay.
Foreman: Bobby the bouncer sees you standing out here like a stalker, he's gonna break open your skull.
Taub: It was asymmetrical. It might be cancerous.
Foreman: You want to get your skull cracked open. You're trying to punish yourself.
Taub: I want to fulfill my oath as a doctor.
Foreman: You think you're a screw-up because you got a girl pregnant and you deserve to suffer. You don't. You just need some sleep and you'll handle this mess. Let's get in the car.
Taub: She's probably off work soon.
Foreman: (zipping up his jacket) Give me the keys. I'll drive. [Taub ignores him] I'll get a cab. Good luck with everything. (walks away)

Chase [to Thirteen]: You were defending your friend beyond all rationality, granting her the right to die in your bedroom. Was it really all because of a promise?
Thirteen: That word means something to some people.
Chase: Not that much.

House: (to Rachel) Did you see the new Brownbeard episode?
Rachel: It was so funny.
House: No, it was so lame. Got a boat full of guy pirates and they make the girl pirate walk the plank.
Rachel: She floated.
House: That's 'cause she had big boobies. That's why he should have kept her.

[When House wakes up from surgery]
House: What are you doing here?
Wilson: You hoping for someone else?
House: Hot nurse, candy striper… Someone who doesn't speak English. Someone who doesn't speak judgmental.

Moving On (7.23)[edit]

Dr. Wilson: You're forging my name on prescriptions again.
House: No. What you just said implies that I stopped at some point.

House: (winning a bet against Foreman) Since I've seen your paycheck, I probably shouldn't. Canned beans aren't so bad... as long as they're cooked over an oil-drum fire under a bridge with the king of the hobos.

Taub: Nice, cozy home for little Ruben. It's a family name.
Ruby: It's a sandwich.
Taub: Named for my family.

House: My doctor says it's okay as long as I don't leave my hospital bed.
Taub: Which doctor was that: Seuss or Dre?

House: Hey, we were just getting to the good part.
Dr. Chase: Is there a good part? It was performance art.

House [to Cuddy]: You think I have unresolved issues and you are the unresolved issues.
Cuddy: Yes. but it's... I think more than that. It's your life, your choices.
House: I did it to fix my life. No, wait, no, I did it because I'm a deeply unhappy person. No, no, I did it to get sympathy from you. I did it to piss you off. I did it because I'm not over you, or I was over you, and I was moving on. I did it because I want to know what it's like not to be in pain. I did it because I want to feel more pain. Whatever the reason, it was a bad reason and a bad idea. That's all that matters. Good lunch.

Cuddy: If Greg House steps foot in my hospital again, comes anywhere near me, I want him thrown in jail.

Chase: I'm not gonna watch a woman get set on fire.
House: Philistine.

Chase: Arrhythmia, high hematocrit, and inconsistent RR variability.
Foreman: You forgot about the fourth symptom: being completely crazy.
Thirteen: One man's crazy is another woman's art.

Foreman: How do we know she's actually sick?
House: Her being sick is a clue.
Foreman: She would have let that guy set her on fire for the sake of her work. You think she's scared of a little arrhythmia? She probably huffed paint thinner.
Thirteen: She would have let him set her on fire because of the honesty of her work. Faking an illness doesn't fit.
House: Thirteen's right, at least her conclusion was. Everything else was laughably wrong. If the patient induced pancreatitis and a heart attack, she'd be suicidal.
Chase: Exactly. She's risking her life all the time.
House: Exactly. If she wanted to be dead, she'd be dead a long time ago. Pretending to cheat death pays better than watercolors.

Cuddy [to House]: You stood me up.
House: Sorry. Should have scheduled my patient's internal bleeding for Thursday.

House [to Afsoun]: Now you're just pissing me off.
Luca: I'm really sorry. I-I didn't know she researched you. I had no idea she...
House: If you don't know anything, then why are you talking?
Afsoun: Please don't take it out on Luca.
House: I'll take it out on whoever I think will irritate you the most.

Chase [to House about Afsoun]: You want us to waste a bed on her?
House: You took an oath… an oath to be cool. At least that was the one I mumbled under my breath while everyone else was doing the boring one.

Cuddy: House… talk to me!
House: I already did.
Cuddy: [gets in front of House, trying to stop him] No, you just parroted back what Wilson and I've been saying to you the last few days.
House: Get out of my way.
Cuddy: No. [She looks down and touches his leg.] Oh, you pulled a stitch. House, please just talk to me.
[Cuddy takes House's arms, trying to turn him to face her and House pushes Cuddy against a wall and they are staring face to face]
House: [loudly] You want to know how I feel? [two deep breaths then, quietly] I feel hurt.
[Cuddy takes House's hands from her upper arms and holds them.]
Cuddy: I know. I'm sorry. (Cuddy's final line)
House: It's not your fault. [pulls his hands free and walks off.]

[Thirteen walks into House's office and sees him with his jeans down and a white bandage around his left thigh]
House: Sorry. Just checking the stitches on my penis.

[After House has crashed his car into Cuddy's dining room]
House [to Wilson]: You're right. I feel much better.

Cast[edit]

External links[edit]

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