House (Season 1)

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Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 | Main

House (2004-2012), created by David Shore, is about an irreverent, controversial, but successful doctor who trusts no one, least of all his patients.

Pilot (1.01)[edit]

Everybody Lies.
Dr. Cuddy: Your reputation won't last if you don't do your job; the clinic is part of your job. I want you to do your job.
Dr. House: Ah, yes, but as the philosopher Jagger once said, 'You can't always get what you want.'

Dr. House: I'm angry! You're risking a patient's life.
Dr. Cuddy: I assume those are two separate points.

Dr. House: You see that? They all assume I'm a patient because of this cane.
Dr. Wilson: Then why don't you put on a white coat like the rest of us?
Dr. House: I don't want them to think I'm a doctor.

Dr. House: Everybody lies.
Dr. Cameron: Dr. House doesn't like dealing with patients.
Dr. Foreman: Isn't treating patients why we became doctors?
Dr. House: No, treating illnesses is why we became doctors. Treating patients is what makes most doctors miserable.

Rebecca Adler: I just want to die with a little dignity.
Dr. House: There's no such thing! Our bodies break down, sometimes when we're 90, sometimes before we're even born, but it always happens and there's never any dignity in it. I don't care if you can walk, see, wipe your own ass. It's always ugly - always! We can live with dignity - we can't die with it.

Paternity (1.02)[edit]

Dr. Chase: It doesn't necessarily have to be that bad. If we exclude the night terrors it could be something systemic: his liver, kidneys, something outside the brain.
Dr. House: Yes, feel free to exclude any symptom if it makes your job easier.

Dr. House: Thirty percent of all dads out there don't realize they're raising someone else's kid.
Dr. Foreman: From what I've read false paternity is more like ten percent.
Dr. House: That's what our moms would like us to believe.
Dr. Cameron: Who cares? If he got it from his parents they'd both be dead by now, can we get on with the differential diagnosis?
Dr. House: Fifty bucks says I'm right.
Dr. Foreman: I'll take your money.
Dr. House: Hit a nerve? Don't worry, Foreman, I'm sure the guy who tucked you in at night was your daddy.
Dr. Foreman: Make that a hundred dollars.

Dr. Cuddy: [leaving the hospital wearing a tennis outfit with a very short skirt] What are you doing back here? A patient?
Dr. House: No, a hooker. Went to my office instead of my home.

Dr. House: [talking to Wilson about a patient and quickly changing the subject as he sees Dr. Cuddy coming] —the cutest little tennis outfit! My God, I thought I was going to have a heart attack! Oh my! I didn't see you there - That is so embarrassing...
Dr. Cuddy: How's your hooker doing?
Dr. House: Oh, sweet of you to ask, funny story, she was going to be a hospital administrator, but hated having to screw people like that.

Patient's Mother: How can you just sit there?
Dr. House: If I eat standing up, I spill.

Occam's Razor (1.03)[edit]

Dr. House: [to the crowd in the walk-in clinic's waiting area] Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I'm Doctor Gregory House; you can call me "Greg." I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.
Dr. Cuddy: Short, sweet, grab a file.
Dr. House: This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a board [emphasized to sound like "bored"] ...certified diagnostician with a double specialty in infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor currently employed at this clinic who is forced to be here against his will.
[House turns to face Dr. Cuddy.]
Dr. House: That is true, isn't it?
[He turns back to the crowd.]
Dr. House: But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this. [House reaches into his jacket and pulls out a pharmaceutical bottle.] This is Vicodin. It's mine. You can't have any. And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem. But who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me? [nobody moves] And who would rather wait for one of the other two guys?
[Everybody raises their hands]
Dr. House: Okay. Well, I'll be in Exam Room One if you change your mind.

Dr. House: What would you prefer - a doctor who holds your hand while you die or one who ignores you while you get better? I suppose it would particularly suck to have a doctor who ignores you while you die.

Dr. Cameron: I'm uncomfortable about sex.
Dr. Chase: Well, we don't have to talk about this...
Dr. Cameron: Sex could kill you. Do you know what the human body goes through when you have sex? Pupils dilate, arteries constrict, core temperature rises, heart races, blood pressure skyrockets, respiration becomes rapid and shallow, the brain fires bursts of electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere, and secretions spit out of every gland, and the muscles tense and spasm like you're lifting three times your body weight. It's violent, it's ugly and it's messy, and if God hadn't made it unbelievably fun, the human race would have died out eons ago. [pause to breathe deep and stare at each other] Men are lucky they can only have one orgasm. Do you know that women can have an hour long orgasm?
[Foreman enters]
Dr. Cameron: [grabs an apple and heads back to her seat] Hey, Foreman.

Dr. Foreman: Occam's razor. The simplest explanation is always the best.
Dr. House: And you think one is simpler than two?
Dr. Cameron: I'm pretty sure it is, yeah.
Dr. House: Baby shows up. Chase tells you that two people exchange fluids to create this being. I tell you that one stork dropped the little tyke off in a diaper. Are you going to go with the two or the one?
Dr. Foreman: I think your argument is specious.
Dr. House: I think your tie is ugly.

Patient's father: (to his wife about House) You're the one HE hasn't met. (To House) How can you treat someone without meeting them?
Dr. House: It's easy, when you don't give a crap about him. *pauses* That's a good thing.

Dr. House: Reality is almost always wrong.

Maternity (1.04)[edit]

Dr. House: This is our fault. Doctors over-prescribing antibiotics. Got a cold? Take some penicillin. Sniffles? No problem. Have some azithromycin. Is that not working anymore? Well, got your Levaquin. Antibacterial soaps in every bathroom. We'll be adding vancomycin to the water supply soon. We bred these superbugs. They're our babies. And they're all grown up and they've got body piercings and a lot of anger.

Jill: My joints have been feeling all loose, and lately I've been feeling sick a lot. Maybe I'm over training; I'm doin' the marathon, like, ten miles a day, [House looks tired] but I can't seem to lose any weight.
Dr. House: Lift up your arms.
[she does so]
Dr. House: You have a parasite.
Jill: Like a tapeworm or something?
Dr. House: Lie back and lift up your sweater.
[she lies back, and still has her hands up]
Dr. House: You can put your arms down.
Jill: Can you do anything about it?
Dr. House: Only for about a month or so. After that it becomes illegal to remove, except in a couple of states.
[he starts to ultrasound her abdomen]
Jill: Illegal?
Dr. House: Don't worry. Many women learn to embrace this parasite. They name it, dress it up in tiny clothes, arrange playdates with other parasites...
Jill: Playdates?
Dr. House: [shows her the ultrasound] It has your eyes.

Jill: No you see I'm on this birth control-
Dr. House: I know, I saw the scar.
Jill: And my doctor said I might not get any periods if it's working.
Dr. House: You also don't get any periods if it isn't working.

Dr. Cameron: A needle in the haystack.
Dr. House: It's worse than that. We don't even know what's the needle we're looking for.

Dr. House: See, this is why I don't waste money on shrinks, cause you give me all these really great insights for free.
Dr. Cuddy: [smiling] Shrink. If you would consider going to a shrink, I would pay for it myself. The hospital would hold a bake sale, for God's sake.

Dr. Wilson: I'm still amazed you're actually in the same room with a patient.
Dr. House: People don't bug me until they get teeth.

Damned If You Do (1.05)[edit]

Dr. House: What the hell are those?
Dr. Cameron: Candy canes.
Dr. House: Candy canes? Are you mocking me?
Dr. Cameron: No, i-it's Christmas and I, I thought...
Dr. House: Relax, it's a joke.

Dr. House: In ten seconds, I'm going to announce that I gave her [the patient] the wrong dosage.
Dr. Cuddy: [Taken aback] You're going to admit negligence?
Dr. House: Unless you leave the room, you'll have to testify as a witness. [Cuddy crosses her arms] Five, four, three, two... So there I was in the clinic, drunk, I opened the drawer, closed my eyes, grabbed the first syringe I could find and.... [Cuddy leaves quickly]

Nun: Sister Augustine believes in things that aren't real.
Dr. House: I thought that was a job requirement for you people.

Dr. House: How is the nun?
Dr. Chase: Which one?
Dr. House: The cute one, I think she likes me. The sick one, obviously.

Sister Augustine: Why is it so difficult for you to believe in God?
House: What I have difficulty with is the whole concept of belief. Faith isn't based on logic and experience.
Sister Augustine: I experience God on a daily basis...and the miracle of life all around--the miracle of birth, the miracle of love. He is always with me.
House: Where is the miracle in delivering a crack-addicted baby? Hmm? Then watching her mother abandon her 'cause she needs another score. Miracle of love. You're over twice as likely to be killed by the person you love than by a stranger.
Sister Augustine: Are you trying to talk me out of my faith?
House: You can have all the faith you want in spirits, and the afterlife, and heaven and hell, but when it comes to this world, don't be an idiot. Cause you can tell me you put your faith in God to get you through the day, but when it comes time to cross the street, I know you look both ways.

The Socratic Method (1.06)[edit]

Lucas Palmero: This is a good hospital?
Dr. House: Depends what you mean by "good". [looks around] I like these chairs.

Dr. Foreman: [Referring to Dr. House] He's really talking to a patient.
Dr. Chase: I don't know who I am any more.

Dr. Chase: [Referring to Dr. House] He likes crazy people. He likes the way they think.
Dr. Foreman: They think... badly. That's the definition of... crazy.
Dr. Chase: They're not boring. He likes that.

Dr. Cuddy: Good morning, Dr. House.
Dr. House: Good morning, Dr. Cuddy! Love that outfit. Says, I’m professional, but I’m still a woman. Actually, it sorta yells the second part.
Dr. Cuddy: Yeah, and your big cane is real subtle too.
Dr. House: [Leaving quickly] Gotta go.

Dr. House: Ah, my birthday. Normally I'd put on a festive hat and celebrate the fact that the Earth has circled the Sun one more time; I really didn't think it was going to make it this year, but darn it if it wasn't the little planet that could all over again.

Fidelity (1.07)[edit]

Dr. House: I don't ask why patients lie. I just assume they all do.

Dr. House: Ah! The husband described her as being unusually irritable recently.
Dr. Cameron: And?
Dr. House: I didn't know it was possible for a woman to be unusually irritable.
Dr. Cameron: Nice try, but you're a misanthrope, not a misogynist.

Dr. Foreman: Why are you riding me?
Dr. House: It's what I do...has it gotten worse lately?
Dr. Foreman: Yeah. Seems to me.
Dr. House: Really. Well, that rules out the race thing. 'Cause you were just as black last week.

Dr. House: As long as you're trying to be good, you can do whatever you want.
Dr. Wilson: And as long as you're not trying, you can say whatever you want.
Dr. House: So between us, we can do anything. We can rule the world!

Dr. House: Last three months, same five ties. Thursday should be that paisley thing.
Dr. Wilson: It's a gift from my wife!
Dr. House: No it's not, Julie hates green. You bought that yourself. You want to look pretty, at work.[Pause, then in a sing-song tone] Wilson's got a girlfriend!

Poison (1.08)[edit]

Dr. Foreman: The kid was just taking his AP calculus exam when all of a sudden he got nauseous and disoriented.
Dr. House: That's the way calculus presents.

Dr. House: I assume "minimal at best" is your stiff upper lip British way of saying "no chance in hell."
Dr. Chase: I'm Australian.
Dr. House: You put the Queen on your money; you're British.

Dr. Wilson: [Reading a poem Georgia left for Dr. House] "The healer with his magic powers/I could rub his gentle brow for hours/His manly chest, his stubbled jaw/Everything about him leaves me raw—"
Dr. House: Psych ward's upstairs.
Dr. Wilson: "—with joy. Oh, House your very name / Will never leave this girl the same." It's not bad for an 82-year-old. She asked me to give that to her true love.
Dr. House: What can I say? Chicks with no teeth turn me on.
Dr. Wilson: That's fairly disgusting.
Dr. House: That's ageism.
Dr. Wilson: You better watch yourself around this babe.

Dr. House: [to Georgia] I'm sorry, but the fact that the sexual pleasure center of your cerebral cortex has been over-stimulated by spirochetes is a poor basis for a relationship. Learned that one the hard way.

Dr. House: Mr. Adams, would you step outside for a moment?
Adams: Why?
Dr. House: Because you irritate me.

DNR (1.09)[edit]

Dr. House: DNR means Do Not Resuscitate. It does not mean Do Not Treat!

Dr. House: Like I always say, there's no "I" in "team." There is a "me," though, if you jumble it up.

Dr. House: [to Dr. Foreman] You took a chance, you did something great. You were wrong, but it was still great. You should feel great that it was great. You should feel like crap that it was wrong. That's the difference between him and me; he thinks you do your job, and what will be will be. I think that what I do, and what you do matters. He sleeps better at night, he shouldn't.

Dr. Foreman: You assaulted that man.
Dr. House: Fine. I'll never do it again.
Dr. Foreman: Yes, you will.
Dr. House: All the more reason this debate is pointless.

Dr. Wilson: [whispering to House, as they sit in court] You know how some doctors have the Messiah complex - they need to save the world? You've got the "Rubik's" complex; you need to solve the puzzle.
Dr. House: [whispering back to Wilson] Are you done? Or do you have more references to 1980's fads? [points his cane to the judge] I'm trying to listen to this. [he furrows his eyebrows quickly at Wilson and turns back around]

John: You don't risk jail and your career just to save somebody who doesn't want to be saved unless you got something, anything, one thing. The reason normal people got wives and kids and hobbies, whatever, that's because they don't got that one thing that hits them that hard and that true. I got music; you got this. The thing you think about all the time, the thing that keeps you south of normal. Yeah, makes us great, makes us the best. All we miss out on is everything else. No woman waiting at home after work with the drink and the kiss. That ain't gonna happen for us.
Dr. House: That's why God made microwaves.
John: Yeah. But when it's over... It's over.

Dr. House I'm in pain.
John: Aren't we all?

Histories (1.10)[edit]

Student: You're reading a comic book.
Dr. House: And you're calling attention to your bosom by wearing a low-cut top.
[the student covers her chest with her clipboard]
Dr. House: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were having a state-the-obvious contest. I'm competitive by nature.

Dr. Wilson: You really don't need to know everything about everybody.
Dr. House: I don't need to watch The O.C., but it makes me happy.

[House is snooping through Wilson's file to try finding out why Wilson is insisting on a homeless woman being treated]
Dr. Wilson: You know, in some cultures, it's considered almost rude for one friend to spy on another. Of course, in Swedish, the word "friend" can also be translated as "limping twerp."
[House's pager starts beeping]
Dr. Wilson: Did your pager really just go off, or are you ditching the conversation?
Dr. House: Why can't both be true?

Dr. Chase: You're joking.
Dr. House: Well, hard not to - nothing funnier than cancer.

Dr. House: Hey! He knows more homeless people than any of us! [to Foreman] Go check out the hood, dawg.

Detox (1.11)[edit]

Dr. Cuddy: You know, there are other ways to manage pain.
Dr. House: Like what, laughter? Meditation? Got a guy who can fix my third chakra?

[House has just admitted he is addicted to Vicodin.]
Dr. House: I said I was an addict, I didn't say I had a problem. I pay my bills, I make my meals. I function.
Dr. Wilson: That all you want? You have no relationships.
Dr. House: I don't want any relationships.
Dr. Wilson: You alienate people.
Dr. House: I've been alienating people since I was three.
Dr. Wilson: Oh, come on! Drop it! You don't think you've changed over the last few years?
Dr. House: Of course I have. I've...I've gotten older. My hair's got thinner. Sometimes I'm bored. Sometimes I'm lonely. Sometimes I wonder what it all means.
Dr. Wilson: No. I was there. You are not just some regular guy who's getting older. You've changed! You're miserable! And you're afraid to face yourself-
Dr. House: [slams his cane on the shelf] OF COURSE I'VE CHANGED!
Dr. Wilson: [pause] And everything's the leg? Nothing's the pills? They haven't done a thing to you?
Dr. House: They let me do my job. And they take away my pain.

Dr. House: His liver is shutting down.
Father: What? What does that mean?
Dr. House: Means he's all better, he can go home.
Father: What?
Dr. House: What do you think it means? He can't live without a liver, he's dying.
Father: What is your problem?
Dr. House: Bum leg, what's yours?

Dr. Cuddy: You're addicted.
Dr. House: If the pills ran my life, I'd agree with you, but it's my leg busy calendaring what I can't do.

Dr. House: I take risks; sometimes patients die. But not taking risks causes more patients to die, so I guess my biggest problem is I've been cursed with the ability to do the math.

Sports Medicine (1.12)[edit]

Dr. House: Now why would a guy in his twenties have a poor kidney?
Dr. Cameron: Cancer. It first attacks the bones, and then the kidneys.
Dr. House: Come on, people!
[Pulls out Hank's baseball card]
Dr. House: He was 17 and 7! His ERA was 2.10!
Dr. Cameron: You want it to be his kidneys, because if it's his kidneys, then maybe we can treat it, maybe we can fix it. And if it's cancer, then he'll never pitch again. If this were a regular guy who came in and broke his arm lifting a box, you would've packed him up and sent him home!
Dr. House: My God, you're right, I lost my head. All life is equally sacred. And I promise you, the next knitting injury that comes in here, we're on it like stink on cheese.

Patient #3: I can't get my contact lenses out-
Dr. House: Out of what? They're not in your eyes.
Patient #3: But they're red.
Dr. House: That's because you're trying to remove your corneas.[moves to next patient] What's wrong with you?
Patient #4: Uh, lately, my wife has noticed that...
Dr. House: Yeah, yeah. Symptoms, [gestures at Cuddy] we're working on a personal best here.
Patient #4: Numbness in my feet and hands, constipation...
Dr. House: And?
Dr. Cuddy: Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable talking about his private matters...
Dr. House: Well, neither would I, if I was having trouble controlling my pee pee!
[to patient]
Dr. House: You're a dentist. Nitrous oxide poisoning, which means you're either dipping into your own supply, or you've got a bad valve in the office. Laughing gas rehab's probably more expensive than the plumber. Meanwhile, get yourself some B12.
[moves to college student]
Dr. House: Who's left?
College Student: I can't see. [House and Cuddy look appalled] Nah, I'm just screwing with you. [House looks at Cuddy, who smiles] It's a hangover, my English Lit professor told me he'd fail me next time if I didn't show up with a doctor's note.
Dr. House: Well, make friends with the dentist. He can give you a note, and maybe a little nitrous to take the edge off.
[he looks at the clock and walks out]

Hank: I am clean, man, no steroids, no nothing.
Dr. House: Your lips say no, your prunes say yes.

Lola: You got a big "Keep Out" sign stapled on your forehead.
Dr. House: That explains it, I told them to put it on my door.
Lola: Even if real human contact is something you don't have or even want or need, you should at least be able to see it in other people.
Dr. House: Yeah. Right. True love. That's just how we match organs these days. There's a couple in France, high school sweethearts - they're trading brains.

Dr. House: What, you're saying I've only got one friend?
Dr. Wilson: Uh, and who…?
Dr. House: Kevin, in Bookkeeping.
Dr. Wilson: Okay, well first of all, his name's Carl.
Dr. House: I call him Kevin. It's his secret "friendship club" name.

Dr. Cameron: Would you give up a baby for someone you love?
Dr. House: Please tell me I don't have to decide. Depends, how long would they live?
Dr. Cameron: Is this a pragmatic question for you?
Dr. House: Fifty years, no problem. Six months, I say let 'em die. Well, I've actually given this a lot of thought, and my personal tipping point is seven years, eight months, and 14 days.

Dr. House: You see, kidneys don't wear watches. Sure, gallbladders do, but it doesn't matter, 'cause kidneys can't tell time.

Dr. House: Less money is made by biochemists working on a cure for cancer than by their colleagues struggling valiantly to find ways to hide steroid use.

Lola: He drops clean urine, denies using steroids, and you're giving him a drug for what, steroid abuse?
Dr. House: No, no, it's not. No, it's got calcium in it. It's very good for the bones. Basically, at a molecular level, it's just milk.
[Lola leaves]
Dr. House: [to Foreman] How long do you figure before I get a call from Cuddy?

Dr. Cuddy: You put him on Lupron.
Dr. House: Uh-huh.
Dr. Cuddy: And, you told them it was like milk.
Dr. House: Yes.
Dr. Cuddy: Is there any way in which that is not a lie?
Dr. House: It's creamy. But, I had three reasons.
Dr. Cuddy: Good ones?
Dr. House: Well, we'll see in a minute; I'm just making them up now.

Dr. House: We have managed to find the ONLY Sportsman in the galaxy who is NOT on steroids!

Cursed (1.13)[edit]

Dr. Cuddy: Twelve year old male, spiking fever, congested chest, coughing up green sputum, shortness of breath, pain in breathing...
Dr. House: Baffling, though I vaguely recall a disease called moonomia...noo-mania...?
Dr. Cuddy: But his test showed an atypical pattern for pneumonia.
Dr. House: Pneumonia! That's the one!

Dr. Chase: How would you feel if I interfered in your personal life?
Dr. House: I'd hate it. That's why I cleverly have no personal life.

Dr. Chase: [about his father] I don't hate him. I loved him until I figured out it hurts a lot less to just not care. You don't expect him to turn up to your football match? No disappointments. You don't expect a call on your birthday, don't expect to see him for months? No disappointments. You want us to go make up? Sink a few beers together, nice family hug? I've given him enough hugs. He's given me enough disappointments.

Jeffrey Reilich: You're treating him for both diseases?
Dr. Foreman: Covering all the bases.
Jeffrey Reilich: What, throw everything against the wall and see what sticks?
Dr. Chase: Works for spaghetti.
[Everyone stares at him]

Dr. House: (To Vicodin) There you are. Were you scared? It's OK you're home now.

Dr. Cuddy: Just enlarged hilar lymph nodes.
Dr. House: Tiny unicorns goring his bronchial tubes would be cooler.

Dr. House: Take another history. Even if we don't figure out what's causing this, we definitely need to know if twelve-year-olds are getting any action.

Dr. Wilson: You want to get to the bottom of this, you're doing it exactly right: don't talk to the people involved. Drag your buddy away from work for some pointless speculation.
Dr. House: You want to know how two chemicals interact. Do you ask them? No, they're going to lie through their lying little chemical teeth. Throw them in a beaker and apply heat.
Dr. Wilson: God! Even I don't like you.
Dr. House: You know, words can hurt.

Dr. House: But the patient's getting better.
Dr. Chase: In spite of the Cytoxin.
Dr. House: On the other hand... getting better.
Dr. Chase: Cytoxin makes him more susceptible to infection. The anthrax could relapse and be more resistant.
Dr. House: Better!
Dr. Chase: You want a negative test on every autoimmune disease known to man? Fine!
Dr. House: Be home by midnight or you can't have the car this weekend.

Dr. Cameron: Parents are never as bad as kids think they are.

Dr. House: You can't tell Chase but I can. What shall I do?
Dr. Wilson: Oh...This is where I give you advice and pretend you're going to listen to it. I like this part.

Dr. Wilson: There's also the keeping your promises thingy.
Dr. House: You never run out of thingies.

Control (1.14)[edit]

[The hospital's just been bought by billionaire drug mogul Edward Vogler]
Dr. House: No, I have seen every scary movie ever made. Six-year old twins in front of an elevator with blood. Boys' choirs. Those are bad omens. This is much more mundane. A billionaire wants to get laid.
Dr. Wilson: Billionaires buy movie studios to get laid. They buy hospitals to get respect.
Dr. House: And the reason you want respect...?
Dr. Wilson: To... get laid.

Dr. Cuddy: I need you to wear your lab coat.
Dr. House: I need two days of outrageous sex with someone obscenely younger than you. Like half your age.

Dr. House: She's the CEO of Sonyo Cosmetics. Three assistants and fifteen VPs checked out who should be treating her. Who da man? I da man. I always suspected.

Dr. House: Haven't done the MUGA.
Dr. Wilson: Then how do you know she needs a heart transplant?
Dr. House: I got my aura read today. It said someone close to me had a broken heart.

[about Vogler being appointed board chairman of the hospital]
Dr. Cameron: That's not necessarily bad news.
Dr. Foreman: Do you ever watch "Gilligan's Island" reruns and really, really think they're going to get off the island this time?

Dr. Wilson: She was uncomfortable doing any more tests! I had to convince her to do that one!
Dr. House: Do you get that often? Women would rather die than get naked with you?

Dr. House: In about an hour there's going to be an emergency meeting with the transplant commitee to discuss where you fall on the list should a new heart become available. Problem is, I am required to tell the committee about your bulimia, it's a major psychological condition, ranks up there with suicidal. Means you're a very bad risk.
Carly: So you're here to tell me I have just a few hours to live?
Dr. House: Unless I lie to the committee. But if they find out, I lose my medical licence.
Dr. House: This would be a very good time to offer me a bribe. How much is your life worth? How much is my job worth?

Dr. House: No pneumonia, no bacterinia, no hep B or C or any other letters
Dr. Cuddy: Substance abuse? Any hist...
Dr. House: No alcohol, no drugs
Dr. Cuddy: Any psychological conditions, history of depression?
Dr. House: She's a little blue...but it turns out she needs a heart transplant

Dr. House: You value our friendship more than your ethical responsibilities?
Dr. Wilson: Our friendship is an ethical responsibility.

Dr. Cameron: They just stopped Carly's heart. And your dumb patient-
Dr. House: They're all...oh, the guy who can't talk, right.

Dr. House: Why are you doing this?
Dr. Cameron: I'm not doing anything.
Dr. House: You're manipulating everyone.
Dr. Cameron: People... dismiss me. Because I'm a woman, because I'm pretty, because I'm not agressive. My opinions shouldn't be rejected just because people don't like me.
Dr. House: They like you. Everyone likes you.
[he starts to walk away]
Dr. Cameron: Do you? I have to know.
Dr. House: No.
Dr. Cameron: [smiles quietly] Okay.

Carly: Why did you fight for me? You risked so much and you hardly know me.
Dr. House: You're my patient. Don't screw it up.

[Vogler has reason to believe House lied during the transplant committee meeting]
Vogler: This is not a game, Dr. House.
Dr. House: No, this is more like we're dancing right now. So let's get to the point. You don't like me. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to like you. It's nothing personal, I don't like anybody.

Mob Rules (1.15)[edit]

Bill: His name's Joey, he's my only brother.
Dr. House: He's important to you. Got it. No placebos for him, we'll use the real medicine.

Dr. Chase: You can trust me.
Dr. House: Problem is, if I can't trust you, I can't trust your statement that I can trust you. But thanks anyway, you've been a big help.

Dr. House: Need the lawyer.
Vogler: Who'd you kill?
Dr. House: Nobody, but it's not even lunch.

Dr. House: What does the other liver test tell us?
Dr. Cameron: Normal "" levels point to an acute.
Dr. Chase: Oh, okay, and why is her test better than mine?
Dr. House: Because she's cuter.

Dr. House: We're a bit of a specialized hospital. We generally only deal with patients when they're actually sick.

Dr. Foreman: You thought he was being poisoned by hemlock? Dr. Euripides tell you to check for that?

Dr. Cameron: I don't have the right to show interest in someone?
Dr. Foreman: You absolutely do, and I absolutely have the right to humiliate you for it.

Bill: You wanna get hit, too?
Dr. House: That would be quite a trick. "He slapped me so hard his brother turned straight."
Bill: Joey is not gay.
Dr. House: Maybe not gay. But certainly delightful. And hitting a doctor. Even if it was only Chase... and then asking another to keep his chart fresh and homo free.

Dr. House: That's what I love about you mob guys: so tolerant of others, so accepting. Only way he was coming out was way, way out. Lose the tattoos, change his name, move to another town; how's a guy like him going to do that? Witness protection. It's not just for witnesses any more.

Dr. House: He's a thirty year old mobster. He doesn't have an occupation that results in accidental exposure to toxins. He has a job that results in intentional exposure to toxins. Someone's poisoned him.

Heavy (1.16)[edit]

Dr. Wilson: The ultrasound and biopsy confirmed our worry. The tumor is extremely large, at least thirty pounds.
Lucille: Oh, God.
Dr. House: It's actually a personal record for this clinic.

Dr. House: You ever see an infected pierced scrotum?
Dr. Cuddy: Um, no, but I know a few people on whom I'd like to see it happen.

Dr. Foreman: Ten year olds do not have heart attacks. It's gotta be a mistake.
Dr. House: Right. The simplest explanation is she's a forty-year-old lying about her age. Maybe an actress trying to hang on.

Lucille: It's really bad, especially at night. It's like my heart is on fire, like it's, uh, oh, I don't know, like it's...
Dr. House: Burning?
Lucille: Exactly!
Dr. House: Hmm, sounds almost like heartburn.
Lucille: So, can you give me something?
Dr. House: Like a thesaurus?

Lucille: I'm not pregnant.
Dr. House: Sorry, you don't get to make that call unless you have a stethoscope. Union rules.

Lucille: This is what a woman is supposed to look like. We're not just skin and bones - we have flesh. We have curves.
Dr. House: You have little people inside you.

Dr. House: Physician-patient confidentiality protects me from annoying conversations.

Lucille: I'll have a huge scar. I won't be able to wear a bikini.
Dr. House: You wear a bikini now?
Lucille: Yeah, you got a problem with that?
Dr. House: No, but I've never gone swimming with you.

Dr. House: So I'm thinking maybe the reason you don't want surgery is that while your husband will find you attractive no matter what, all the other men you're sleeping with might not be so open minded. Which brings me back to my original thesis. Men are pigs. You have nothing to worry about. They'll pretty much have sex with anyone. Fat, skinny, married, single, complete strangers, relatives....
Lucille: You are sick
Dr. House: So are you. I'm sure there are websites full of men looking for married women with surgical scars. So have the surgery. Please.
Lucille: Okay.

[Dr. House has been told to fire one of his doctors]
Dr. House: I'm thinking I can convince Vogler it would be more cost-efficient to let me keep all of them.
Dr. Wilson: Yeah, you should be able to pull that off. Most billionaires aren't very good with numbers.
Dr. House: It will be more cost-efficient once I've grabbed Cameron's ass, called Foreman a spade, and Chase, well, I can grab his ass, too.
Dr. Wilson: You are uniquely talented in many areas, but office politics is not one of them.

Dr. House: Figures you'd try and come up with a solution where no one gets hurt. The problem is, the world doesn't work that way just 'cause you want it to.
Dr. Cameron: Figures you'd stall and refuse to deal with the issue. Problem is, the world doesn't go away just because you want it to.

Role Model (1.17)[edit]

Dr. House: He didn't have any reason to lie.
Dr. Wilson: Everybody lies...except politicians? House, I believe you're a romantic. You didn't just believe him - you believed in him. You want to come over tonight and watch old movies and cry?
[pauses, points]
Dr. Wilson: Dr. Cameron's getting to you. Well, I guess you can't be around that much niceness and not get any on you.
Dr. House: Is that why you haven't put the moves on her?
Dr. Wilson: What makes you think I haven't put the moves on her?
[House stops and stares obviously jealous]
Dr. Wilson: Oh. [whispers] Oh boy! You're in trouble.
[laughs and exits]

Dr. Cuddy: Oh, why do you have to make everything so dramatic? [Elevator dings.]
Dr. House: Because I’m a very high-strung little lapdog. [as he enters the elevator] Ruff ruff ruff, rarr, ruff! [Cuddy looks faintly disgusted.]

Dr. Cameron: Do you know why people believe in God?
Dr. House: I thought you didn't believe in God.
Dr. Cameron: I don't.
Dr. House: Well then, you'd better be making a very good point.
Dr. Cameron: Do you think they pray to him and praise him because they want him to know how great he is? God already knows that.
Dr. House: Are you ... comparing me to God? I mean, that's great, but just so you know, I've never made a tree.
Dr. Cameron: I thank you because it means something to me. To be grateful for what I receive.
Dr. House: You are the most naive atheist I've ever met... thank God. People pray so that God won't crush them like bugs. I'm not gonna crush you.

Dr. Cuddy: In the Senator's condition, a spleen biopsy could easily cause sepsis and kill him!
Dr. House: Why do you do this to me? Now if I kill him, I can't tell the judge I had no idea of the risks involved.

Dr. Cameron: [giving differential diagnosis] Idiopathic T-cell deficiency?
Dr. House: Idiopathic, from the Latin meaning we're idiots 'cause we can't figure out what's causing it. Give him a whole body scan.
Dr. Cameron: You hate whole body scans.
Dr. House: 'Cause they're useless. Could probably scan every one of us and find five different doodads that look like cancer. But, when you're 4th-down, 100 to go, in the snow, you don't call a running play up the middle. Unless you're the Jets.
[House leaves]
Dr. Cameron: I hate sports metaphors.

Dr. Cuddy: You're not doing a brain biopsy on a spot on an MRI.
Dr. House: Where'd you get that?
Dr. Cuddy: Not on a United States Senator.
Dr. House: Oh, just so I'm clear: if he was a janitor, that would be okay. Do you have a list?

Senator: What will the voters think? If they find out I've had a b-brain biopsy?
Dr. House: This could leave you b-b-b-brain damaged... and you're worried about Nascar dads?

Dr. House: [to black Senator] You're not going to become President either way. They don't call it the White House because of the paint job.

Dr. House: Someday there will be a gay president. Someday there will be a black president. There might even be a gay black president. But one combination I do not see happening is gay, black and dead.

Dr. House: [Regarding the speech promoting a new product Vogler is forcing him to give] I am selling my soul.
Dr. Wilson: Just a little piece. And you are getting something in return.
Dr. House: I said I was selling it. I didn't say I was giving it away. That would be immoral and stupid.

Senator: Nah, I won't win.
Dr. House: Then why run?
Senator: Oh. You're saying the only way to make a difference is to win?

Dr. House: [at press convention] Ed Vogler is a brilliant businessman, a brilliant judge of people, and a man who has never lost a fight. You know how I know that the new ACE inhibitor is good? Because the old one was good. The new one is really the same, it's just more expensive. A lot more expensive. See, that's another example of Ed's brilliance. Whenever one of his drugs is about to lose its patent he has his boys and girls alter it just a tiny bit and patent it all over again. Making not just a pointless new pill, but millions and millions of dollars. Which is good for everybody, right? Except for the patients. Psht. Who cares? They're just so damn sick. God obviously never liked them anyway. [Chase chugs his wine.]

Babies & Bathwater (1.18)[edit]

Dr. House: Hey! You're killing her!
Vogler: Really? See, I thought you were the one trying to ram her into a drug trial five minutes after surgery.
Dr. House: She knew the risks! She was fully informed!
Vogler: Yeah, well the guy running the study sure wasn't.
Dr. House: Not his life, not his call!
Vogler: His study, his call!
Dr. House: Right. So she kicks off, his numbers look bad!
Vogler: The numbers look bad, the study looks bad.
Dr. House: Which would cost you money.
Vogler: Yeah, and keep a life-saving protocol off the market.
Dr. House: One person, one blip in the data!
Vogler: You ever heard of the FDA? They eat blips for breakfast! One person should never endanger thousands!
Dr. House: Well thank God you were here to save all those lives!
Vogler: [Laughs faintly] The board's meeting again in an hour. Why don't you watch your soap? I hear they're firing the handsome doctor today...

Dr. House: Did you make a pass at Cuddy? I told you: she only has thighs for me.

Dr. House: She has gone from the 25th weight percentile to the 3rd in one month. Now I'm not a baby expert, but I'm pretty sure they're not supposed to shrink.
Rachel Kaplan: Well there's this diet we put her on when she stopped breast feeding...
Andrew Kaplan: But it's healthy, um, raw food. We're vegans. Almond milk, tofu, uh, vegetables...
Dr. House: Raw food... If only her ancestors had mastered the secret of fire. Babies need fat, proteins, calories. Less important: sprouts and hemp. Starving babies is bad and illegal in many cultures. I'm having her admitted.

Dr. House: Don't worry, it's a vegan I.V.

[House is dreaming that Vogler has cancer]
Vogler: So, there is some hope.
Dr. House: Always. But just in case, I special-ordered a jumbo-sized coffin.
Vogler: Hey ...
Dr. House: Don't thank me. It's just who I am.

Dr. House: Sorry, up late. Internet porn.
Dr. Chase: How come you're not in your office?
Dr. House: Because there is a computer in my office. If I log on, romance will ensue. My wrist might fall off.

Dr. House: I really should have kept Cameron. She knew where to find the sugar.
Dr. Chase: It's what I said. Pre-eclampsia. A little stress from the MRA and she pops right into labor.
Dr. House: A-ha! [holds up a packet of sugar]

Dr. Wilson: I have no kids, my marriage sucks... I only got two things that work for me: this job and this stupid screwed up friendship, and neither mattered enough for you to give one lousy speech.
Dr. House: They matter... If I could do it all again—
Dr. Wilson: —you'd do the exact same thing.
[House nods]

Dr. House: Any vote to revoke my tenure has to be unanimous. I’ve got you and maybe even Cuddy.
Dr. Wilson: Oh, well that settles it. Mr. Ruthless Corporate Raider will be stymied, go home, curl up on the floor of his shower and weep.

[A patient is willing to sacrifice her own life in order to give her unborn child a chance of survival]
Dr. House: Do you think this woman's making a rational decision?
Dr. Foreman: I think people can overcome their basic drives
Dr. House: Pretty damn rarely. But not this time, this is purely biological. In evolutionary terms, the needs of the next generation are more important.
Dr. Chase: You're saying she's making the right call?
Dr. House: Darwin is, I'm not. The next generation is not my patient.

(To a pregnant patient who is risking her life for her child)
Dr. House: This is not your first child is it? And he doesn't know.
Patient: I was 18, I got pregnant, got married, we had the most beautiful little girl, Grace, she had infantile Alexander's disease.
Dr. House: I'm sorry.
Naomi Randolph: Two years we watched her die, my husband, my uh first husband was a.. a great guy, but after that I couldn't even look at him without thinking of her. I left him, I left my job, I left my everything.
Dr. House: Very moving story. Explains why you're being so selfish.
Naomi Randolph: I'm willing to die to protect my husband.
Dr. House: Because it's what you want, your husband wants you to live.
Naomi Randolph: Well he doesn't understand...
Dr. House: (cutting in) Oh, who the hell does?! Tragedies happen, if you think turning yourself into a disposable incubator for a few weeks is going to protect your baby from all the crap in this world go ahead die happy, I've got no problem with people killing themselves, but don't think it makes you a hero.

Vogler: It's the same motion as yesterday people, same reasons. All those in favor of dismissing Gregory House raise a hand.

(all present apart from Cuddy raise their hands)

Vogler: (sighs) Dr. Cuddy, you realize this is going to happen.
Dr. Cuddy: I can't do it.
Vogler: You can't abstain.
Dr. Cuddy: I'm not abstaining, I'm voting no.
Vogler: You've changed your mind since yesterday?! What did he do, buy you dinner and roses, threaten to drown your dog?
Dr. Cuddy: He did his job.
Vogler: {sarcastically) Right, he saved another life.
Dr. Cuddy: Maybe.
Vogler: Good for him, it's great, it's not the point.
Dr. Cuddy: It's what we do.
Vogler: And you could do it a lot better if you didn't have to worry about some madman running around the hospital accountable to no-one.
Dr. Cuddy: But that's not the choice you're giving us!
Vogler: (cutting in) House won't listen to anyone...
Dr. Cuddy: (cutting in) And you're not accountable to anyone either, because you think you own us.
Vogler: (sighs) I move for the immediate dismissal of Doctor Lisa Cuddy.
Board member: She's upset, we all are. (to Cuddy) Why would you risk your career to save him?
Dr. Cuddy: If you think House deserves to go, if you think I deserve to go, Wilson deserved to go then vote yes. But if you're doing this because you are afraid of losing his money, then he's right, he does own you. (gets up to go) You have a choice, maybe the last real one you'll have here. (leaves)

Kids (1.19)[edit]

Dr. House: I saw the light on.
Dr. Cameron: It's daytime.
Dr. House: Yeah. It's a figure of speech. Always so literal.
Dr. Cameron: Got a new cane.
Dr. House: Yeah. Guy in the store said it was slimming. Vertical stripe...
Dr. Cameron: Why are you here?
Dr. House: Vogler is dead.
Dr. Cameron: What? What happened?
Dr. House: Again with the literal translation. Vogler the idea. Mr. Destructo. Mr. Money Bags, "Bow down before me"; he's gone from the hospital, so things can go back to the way they were.
Dr. Cameron: The way they were was kinda weird.
Dr. House: Ehh...weird works for me.
Dr. Cameron: What are you saying? Literally?
Dr. House: I want you to come back.
Dr. Cameron: Why?
[House's beeper goes off, Cameron crosses her arms]
Dr. House: Please unclench. You're not on the clock, and when you do that, I clench, and then it's the whole thing...
Dr. Cameron: Could you look at your pager?
[he does]
Dr. House: It's no big deal, some sort of epidemic. Not my area.
Dr. Cameron: You should go, it's important.
Dr. House: What I'm doing now is important.
Dr. Cameron: Why do you want me back?
Dr. House: Because you're a good doctor.
Dr. Cameron: That's it?
Dr. House: That's not enough?
Dr. Cameron: Not for me. Go deal with your plague.
[she shuts the door in his face]

[House walks into hospital and sees room full of possible epidemic patients and turns around towards exit]
Dr. Cuddy: Dr. House! We need you here.
Dr. House: Sorry, lotta sick people. I might catch something.

House (starting out sarcastically): "That's right. I'm subjecting a 12-year-old to a battery of dangerous and invasive tests to avoid being bored." Houses pauses when his audience doesn't believe he wouldn't do that. "Okay, maybe I would do that, but I'm not."

Dr. Roger Spain: Wow, I thought you'd be the last person to have a problem with nonconformity.
Dr. House: Nonconformity; right... I can't remember the last time I saw a twenty something kid with a tattoo of an Asian letter on his wrist. You are one wicked free thinker! You want to be a rebel; stop being cool. Wear a pocket protector like he does, and get a hair cut. Like the Asian kids that don't leave the library for a twenty hours stretch. They're the ones that don't care what you think.
Dr. House: Sayonara
[Dr. Spain exits office]
Dr. Wilson: So, should I go through all the resumes looking for Asian names?
Dr. House: Actually, the Asian kids are probably just responding to parental pressure, but my point is still valid.

Dr. House: [Walking into his office, where Wilson is waiting with another job applicant] Sorry. I was taking a dump.
Dr. Petra Gilmar: Well I guess I'm better off interviewing right after than right before.
[Dr House and Dr Wilson exchange a surprised glance.]
Dr. House: You Jewish?
Dr. Petra Gilmar: [Keeping her cool] Yes.
Dr. House: Is it true what they say about Jewish foreplay?
Dr. Wilson: [Desperate to change the subject] Uh, uh—
Dr. Petra Gilmar: Two hours of begging?
Dr. House: I heard four.
Dr. Petra Gilmar: Well, actually I'm only half Jewish. [After a significant, impressed pause from House and Wilson] Look, I know you like to play games, push buttons. I have four brothers. Long as you keep your hands to yourself, I'm okay with anything that comes out of your mouth.
'[After they shake hands and she escorts herself out]
Dr. Wilson: That's our Hitler!!
Dr. House: No. Did you see her shoes?
Dr. Wilson: Her shoes? What, did your horoscope in Vogue tell you to avoid women wearing green shoes?
Dr. House: The eyes can mislead, a smile can lie, but the shoes always tell the truth.
Dr. Wilson: They were Prada, which means she has good taste.
Dr. House: They were not Prada. You wouldn't know Prada if one stepped on your scrotum.
Dr. Wilson: Okay, well... they were nice, pointy.

Dr. House: Right rudder. Bank, bank, bank!
Dr. Cuddy: Good coffee? The rest of this hospital is busting its tail and you're—
[House's eyes get really wide, and he covers them with his folder]
Dr. Cuddy: What are you doing?
Dr. House: Trying to think of anything except the produce department at Whole Foods.
[Wilson smirks]
Dr. Cuddy: I am working, it got hot, stop acting like a 13-year-old!
Dr. House: Sorry, you just don't usually see breasts like that on Deans of Medicine.
[Wilson tries to look anywhere except at Cuddy's chest]
Dr. Cuddy: Oh, women can't be heads of hospitals? Or just ugly ones?
Dr. House: No, they can be babes. You just don't usually see their funbags.

Dr. Wilson: You had the perfect person, and you blew it.
Dr. House: You saw the shoes!
Dr. Wilson: I'm not talking about her.
Dr. House: You're talking about Cameron.
Dr. Wilson: I'm talking about every woman you've ever given a damn about.
Dr. House: Cameron is so not perfect.
Dr. Wilson: Nobody's perfect.
Dr. House: Mother Theresa?
Dr. Wilson: Dead.
Dr. House: Angelina Jolie?
Dr. Wilson: No medical degree.
Dr. House: Oh, so now who's being picky?

Mary: You're going to tell my parents?
Dr. House: Someone should. Rock paper scissors?
Mary: They don't need to know. I'll be all right.
Dr. House: Of course you will. If you're old enough to bleed out of your vagina, obviously you're old enough to handle a simple thing like an abortion without Mommy and Daddy's help.

Dr. Wilson: You're not going to be happy with anyone.
Dr. House: So what, your advice is... hire someone I'm not happy with and be happy?
Dr. Wilson: No, my advice is much more subtle. Stop being an ass.

Love Hurts (1.20)[edit]

Dr. Wilson: [about Cameron] So she's really coming back?
Patient: Who's coming back?
Dr. House: You don't know her.
Dr. Wilson: You give her a raise? Increase her benefits?
Dr. House: Don't have TiVo on this thing, can't rewind. Shut up.
Patient: You lower her hours?
Dr. House: You don't even know her!
Dr. Wilson: Who is this guy?
Dr. House: He's a patient.
Patient: He's examining me.
Dr. House: He's got to go back to work as soon as I'm done with the examination. Guess I do too.
Dr. Wilson: It's got to be something. I mean, she didn't come back because she likes you.
[House gets a strange look on his face]
Dr. Wilson: Wait a minute! She did come back because she likes you!
Patient: Heh heh! You dog! You slept with her!
Dr. House: Keep talking. I'll finish your exam with a prostate check.
[to Wilson]
Dr. House: I've agreed to take her on one date.
Dr. Wilson: What?!
Patient: So you into this girl?
Dr. Wilson: Yes.
Dr. House: No! She's not giving me any choice.
Patient: Wait... she's making you do her?
Dr. House: Date her.
Dr. Wilson: Young ingénue doctor falling in love with gruff, older mentor; her sweet, gentle nature bring him to a closer, fuller understanding of his wounded heart.
Patient: [puts his arm around House's shoulders] Do her, or you're gay.
Dr. House: For God's sake.
[grabs TV and as he's walking out the door]
Dr. Wilson & Patient: [singing] —sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G
Dr. House: Grow up. And learn to harmonize.

Dr. Cameron: [Referring to Dr. House] He agreed to go on a date with me.
Dr. Foreman: A date? Date, dinner and a movie, naked and sweaty date?
Dr. Cameron: He only committed to the first two.

Dr. Chase: House isn’t gonna hand you anything…You want him, you gotta take him - Jump him.

Ramona: My OB-GYN died recently. Nice man. Warm hands.
Dr. House: Not anymore.

Dr. House: Wow. Well, you've certainly given me a lot to think about. If only I was as open as you.
Dr. Cuddy: Well...
Dr. House: Actually, it was your blouse I was talking to.

Dr. Foreman: Hey, I've been on the scene more than you recently.
Dr. House: Way ahead of you. I've got a case of malt liquor stashed in the trunk, Mr. Marvin Gaye on the CD. We are gonna get all the way down.

Dr. House: The Love Doctor has made an art of breaking up with women. 'Cause you're convinced that the loss of you would be too devastating for any woman to handle.
Dr. Foreman: Yeah, I'm the one with the serious ego problem here.

Dr. Wilson: [House is attempting to put on a tie before his date with Cameron] The wide side's too short. You're gonna look like Lou Costello.
Dr. House: This is a mistake. I don't know how to have casual conversation. You think you're talking about one thing, and either you are and it's incredibly boring, or you're not because it's subtext and you need a decoder ring.
Dr. Wilson: Open doors for her, help her with her chair...
Dr. House: I have been on a date.
Dr. Wilson: Uh, not since disco died. Comment on her shoes, her earrings, and then move on to D.H.A.: her Dreams, Hopes, and Aspirations. Trust me — panty-peeler. Oh, and if you need condoms, I've got some.
Dr. House: [sarcastically] Did your wife give them to you?
Dr. Wilson: Drug rep. They got antibiotics built in, somehow.
Dr. House: I should cancel. I've got a patient in surgery tomorrow.
[House moves to the kitchen]
Dr. Wilson: And if you were a surgeon, that would actually matter.

Dr. Cameron: I have one evening with you, one chance. And I don't want to waste it talking about what movies you like or what wines you hate. I want to know how you feel—about me.
Dr. House: You live under the delusion that you can fix everything that isn't perfect. That's why you married a man who was dying of cancer. You don't love, you need. And now that your husband is dead, you're looking for your new charity case. That's why you're going out with me. I'm twice your age, I'm not great-looking, I'm not charming; I'm not even nice. What I am is what you need. I'm damaged.

House: (about Anette) Chase, did you know about this woman? What she does?
Chase: I met her at some parties.
House: Well, I wouldn't have tortured you if I knew you liked it. (Chase scoffs and rolls his eyes)

Three Stories (1.21)[edit]

Dr. House: Would you operate on your mother?
Medical student #2: Of course not. I'd be too nervous, couldn't be objective.
Dr. House: Then why are you so anxious to treat everyone like they were family?

Dr. House: I'm sure this goes against everything you've been taught, but right and wrong do exist. Just because you don't know what the right answer is, maybe there's even no way you could know what the right answer is, doesn't make your answer right or even okay. It's much simpler than that. It's just plain wrong.

Dr. Wilson: Do you think he was dead? Do you think those experiences were real?
Dr. House: Define real. They were real experiences. What they meant... Personally, I choose to believe that the white light people sometimes see, visions, this patient saw. They're all just chemical reactions that take place when the brain shuts down.
Dr. Foreman: You choose to believe that?
Dr. House: There's no conclusive science. My choice has no practical relevance to my life, I choose the outcome I find more comforting.
Dr. Cameron: You find it more comforting to believe that this is it?
Dr. House: I find it more comforting to believe that this isn't simply a test.

Dr. House: It is in the nature of medicine that you are gonna screw up. You are gonna kill someone. If you can't handle that reality, pick another profession. Or finish medical school and teach.

Dr. House: I like my leg. I've had it for as long as I can remember.

Honeymoon (1.22)[edit]

Dr. Cameron: [Coffee mug in hand, standing next to the whiteboard with one arm draped over it] Foreman! Are you going to contribute, or are you too tired from stealing cars? [Foreman and Chase stare at her] I'm being House. It's funny.
Dr. Foreman: [Deadpan] I know. You made milk come out of my nose.

Dr. Cameron: Previous tests revealed nothing that would cause abdominal pain or the mood swings.
Dr. House: Then we're done! What do you think, ball game? Zoo? I don't care, I just want to hang with you guys.

Stacy: I’m not over you. You were, you were the one, you always will be. But I can’t be with you.
Dr. House: So I’m the guy, but you want the other guy, who by definition can never be the guy.
Stacy: What's great about you is that you think you're right, what's frustrating about you is you're right so much of the time.

Dr. House: Do the things, the, you know, blah blah blah blah blah, all that stuff the other docs did. If that's negative, ultrasound his belly. If that's negative, CT his abdomen and pelvis, with and without contrast. Did I miss anything?
Dr. Chase: Kitchen sink?
Dr. House: Well, we could certainly give that a... oh, you minx.

Dr. House: Yeah, sorry, that was me. I had to dope him up to get him in here. Guy doesn't think he's sick.
Dr. Cameron: Who does?
Dr. House: His wife.
Dr. Cameron: The woman you used to live with.
Dr. House: That's her Indian name. On her driver's license it's Stacy. I assume you have a point.
Dr. Cameron: You believe her over the patient himself. That's why we're taking this case.
Dr. House: The truth, I hear voices. All the time. Telling me to do stuff, it's crazy, huh?
Dr. Cameron: What happened to "everybody lies"?
Dr. House: I was lying.

Stacy: [near tears] Please, if you're right this may be his only shot.
Dr. House: So what's your plan? You take the big, dark one, I've got the little girl, and the Aussie will run like a scared wombat if things turn rough.

Dr. House: Straight from the bladder, that's as fresh as it gets.

Dr. Cuddy: [Catching up with House in the main lobby] I want to run something by you.
Dr. House: [loudly] I will not have sex with you! Not again! Miserable, that first time. All that desperate, administrative need.

Dr. Cameron: Any family history?
Stacy: Of? Whacked-outness? His sister voted for Nader, twice. That's about it.

Dr. House: [on the phone, to Foreman] Dr. Mandingo, you're needed at the plantation house.

Dr. House: You know we should do things, throw a ball around or something. Guy stuff.
Mark: We could go for a run together.
Dr. House: OH! It's Oscar Wilde!
Stacy: Wow, this pissing contest is really turning me on.

Dr. House: Here's to women. Can't live with them, can't kill them and tell the neighbors they're stripping in Atlantic City.
Mark: Damn straight. [they chug their beers, trying to finish first]
Dr. House: I'm definitely taller.
Mark: I have more hair.


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