Keeping Up Appearances

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Keeping Up Appearances (1990-1995) is a BBC sitcom created and written by Roy Clarke, and starring Patricia Routledge as Hyacinth Bucket.

Series 1 (1990)[edit]

Daddy's Accident[edit]

Onslow: Oh, nice!

Elizabeth: I thought it was 3:25.
Hyacinth: Not quite, dear.
Elizabeth: My watch says 3:25.
Hyacinth: Oh, that watch. Yes, I expect it would.

Hyacinth: This is not the Chinese takeaway. This is a private, slimline, white telephone with no connection whatsoever to any business or trade. Especially not one of foreign extraction!

The New Vicar[edit]

Hyacinth: Rose, you will not commit suicide! I forbid it.

Stately Home[edit]

Hyacinth is startled into the hedge by the barking dog

Onslow: Less noise, you daft bitch! That goes for you as well, dog!

The Charity Shop[edit]

Hyacinth: Sheridan deserves a father full of executive stress, wearing a bow-tie.

Daisy: She's a real organiser, our Hyacinth.
Onslow: She's a real...
Daisy: (interrupts quickly) Onslow!

Series 2 (1991)[edit]

A Strange Man[edit]

Milkman: Good morning, Mrs. Bucket.
Hyacinth: It's Bouquet.

Hyacinth: It's a matter of complete indifference to me whether it's sterilised, pasteurised, immunised or privatised.

Driving Mrs Fortescue[edit]

Hyacinth: I hope you're not going to spoil things with lower-middle class humour.

Hyacinth is talking on the phone with her sister Violet

Hyacinth: What's wrong with your husband, dear?
Hyacinth: Whims and fancies. [chuckles]
Hyacinth: They all have their whims and fancies.
Hyacinth: In what way is Bruce going strange?
Hyacinth: [laughs] Well, I'm sorry, Violet, but I thought for a moment there that you said he wanted you both to dress up as Robin Hood and Maid Marian. [chuckles]
Hyacinth: Oh, he does want you both to dress up as Robin Hood and Maid Marian.
Hyacinth: What do you mean I haven't heard the worst part?
Hyacinth: He wants to be Maid Marian.

The Candlelight Supper[edit]

Emmet: She'll sing at me! She always sings at me.

Hyacinth receives a phonecall from Sheridan

Richard: What does he want?
Hyacinth: I don't know that he wants anything, dear. He's just ringing his Mummy to wish her all the best for...(to Sheridan) You need a cheque for how much, dear?

Problems with Relatives[edit]

Hyacinth: I once caught Richard playing with a Frisbee. He said it's one he found, but I've never been sure.

Hyacinth: I thought I heard a willow warbler! Did you hear a willow warbler? It's one of my absolutely all-time favourite songsters.

Onslow's Birthday[edit]

Hyacinth: (on the phone to Violet) Why is Bruce sobbing? ... But is it a large tear in his flamenco frock?

Singing for Emmet[edit]

Another customer for the Chinese take-away rings up

Hyacinth: Now kindly clear this line! There are people of substance in this community who are probably queueing to ring me at this very moment.

Hyacinth: (on the phone) May I speak to the Vicar, please? Not available? Is he busy? ...Oh, ringing the bells. Rings his own bells? How democratic.

The Toy Store[edit]

Hyacinth: (on the phone to Violet) I've got Elizabeth and Emmet here. You remember Elizabeth, from next door. Her husband works abroad somewhere; one of those Arab countries. Yes, you met her at one one of my candlelight suppers. She drops things.

A Picnic for Daddy[edit]

Vicar: Oh damn! It's the Bucket woman!

Vicar's wife: (after spotting Rose) Damn, it's the vampire sister!

Hyacinth: How fares the church worldwide then, vicar? For instance, what is the missionary position in China these days?

Christmas Special: The Father Christmas Suit (1991)[edit]

Onslow and his family will be coming for Christmas Eve

Hyacinth: They are my family and I love them dearly, especially at this time of year, when it gets dark early.

Hyacinth: If there's one thing that distinguishes us from other people, it's the absence of vulgar noises.

After a phone conversation with Mrs Thorgunby, whom she mistook for a child at first

Hyacinth: What a silly little voice!

Series 3 (1992)[edit]

Early Retirement[edit]

Richard has just locked Hyacinth out of the house by mistake

Richard: I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking.
Hyacinth: I will not have you not thinking in front of the neighbours, Richard!

Iron Age Remains[edit]

Hyacinth: It could be a Neanderthal barrow, dear. It says in the guidebook they had barrows. I expect they wheeled rocks about and things!

Hyacinth: If my Sheridan were here, he'd be appalled.

Violet's Country Cottage[edit]

Emmet: What's wrong with you, Liz? Why are you so subdued? Two whole days Hyacinth-free!
Elizabeth: Not quite.
Emmet: There's something you haven't told me.
Elizabeth: Yes.
Emmet: Well, go on. Tell me.
Elizabeth: Hyacinth wants us to visit them this evening...at the cottage...for a barbecue.
Emmet: You didn't say yes!
Elizabeth: I didn't say anything! When does one ever say anything? We're just expected! Oh, don't cry, Emmet! I hate it when you cry! Oh!

How to Go on Holiday without Really Trying[edit]

Hyacinth: If there's one thing I can't stand, it's snobbery and one-upmanship. People trying to pretend they're superior. Makes it so much harder for those of us who really are.

Rose appears at the church in a frilly skirt, carrying a feather duster

Hyacinth: Rose, what are you doing?
Rose: I've come to help out with the church cleaning for that dishy vicar!
 === Richard's New Hobby  ===

Sheridan is apparently still wearing his knee bandage, to Hyacinth's relief

Hyacinth: (on the phone) I've always thought you looked like Mummy's brave little soldier. Well, perhaps not soldier, dear. More like Mummy's brave little poet or interior designer.

The Art Exhibition[edit]

Daddy has run away to join the French Foreign Legion

Richard: Do you know which way he's gone?
Hyacinth: To France! Go to the roundabout and head for France!

Hyacinth: It's a terrible thing to lose one's Daddy just before a cheese and wine.

What to Wear When Yachting[edit]

Onslow: Did you bring any beer?
Rose: No, I didn't.
Onslow: I'm sitting here, completely surrounded by no beer!

Emmet is not looking forward to visiting Hyacinth on a yacht

Emmet: It's chilling. Just imagine: a whole night on board some old bucket, with another old Bucket!

Series 4 (1993)[edit]

A Job for Richard[edit]

Hyacinth: (to the postman) I hope that's a first-class stamp. I object to having second-class stamps thrust through my letterbox. I should have thought postmen would be trained to recognise first-class stamp houses.

Hyacinth: Richard! I've been offered a job at Frosticles!
Richard: Take it, Hyacinth! Please!
Hyacinth: I couldn't do that, dear. You'd be so bored at home without me.

Country Retreat[edit]

Hyacinth: Beautiful day, Elizabeth?
Elizabeth: Yes, isn't it.
Hyacinth: Completely conducive to contemplating cosy charismatic country cottages.

A Celebrity for the Barbecue[edit]

Rose: Onslow, Father's on the roof again!
Onslow: Ask him if he's got my bottle opener!

Looking at Properties[edit]

Richard: What's wrong now?
Hyacinth: You don't look like someone on business. You look like someone who's gone to fetch a Daddy from a police station.

Richard has dropped Daddy off at Onslow's house. This is one of the few times that Daddy speaks

Richard: Bye!
Daddy: (mischievously) His car won't start!

Please Mind Your Head[edit]

Hyacinth: Now listen, horse: I'm not a person to be trifled with.

Let There Be Light[edit]

Daisy: Why don't we have a second honeymoon?
Onslow: I remember what happened the first time.
Daisy: Me too. I remember what happened the first time.
Onslow: We argued the all the time.
Daisy: Not all the time.
Onslow: Nearly all the time. I couldn't get over that confession of yours!
Daisy: Well, I thought it was only proper. If we were starting married life, we shouldn't have any secrets.
Onslow: But what a time to spring it on a bloke. On his wedding night! I barely got started on all your new underwear and then you told me.
Daisy: I thought it was a bit much, you getting straight up and going out for a long walk.
Onslow: I had to think about things. I had to decide if I could live with it.
Daisy: I can't think what was so bad about it!
Onslow: You should have come clean about it before we got married.
Daisy: You wouldn't have married me.
Onslow: You were lucky I didn't divorce you.
Daisy: It's not grounds for divorce.
Onslow: Being a Liverpool supporter!

Christmas Special: Sea Fever (1993)[edit]

Onslow: You look up at the sky and you think 'That's nice.' Little do you realise it's full of black holes! They can suck you in. Compress all your matter.
Daisy: (looking at his stomach) It could do with a bit.
Onslow: Oh, nice!
Daisy: Look, if it's going to upset you, you have to stop watching Open University.

Onslow: I wish we could afford a new car.
Daisy: I wish we could afford this one.

Richard: I'll be up there, looking for icebergs and growing a beard.

Richard: I believe I could get used to this; going places and not having to drive. (to himself) Not that I ever do drive. I just steer and follow instructions.

Christmas Special: Angel Gabriel Blue (1994)[edit]

Why ask the Vicar for advice about a kitchen work surface?

Hyacinth: When you have to choose between Angel Gabriel Blue and Lucifer Grey, you need the spiritual advice.
Richard: Oh, I see.
Hyacinth: I had to have the Vicar's confirmation that this is Angel Gabriel blue.

Daisy: A strange man in the house.
Rose: (looks at Onslow) There's been one here for years.
Daisy: What are we going to do?
Onslow: Well, I know what I'm gonna do. (hits the TV and sits down)
Daisy: Onslow, you can't just sit there watching telly when there's a strange man in Father's bed!
Onslow: Throw him out.
Rose: You can't! He's got a receipt!

Series 5 (1995)[edit]

The Senior Citizens' Outing[edit]

Hyacinth: (on the phone to Sheridan) Your car needs a respray? Oh, but I thought your friends liked that lilac colour.

The Mayor's Fancy Dress Ball[edit]

Richard did not enjoy playing Mark Antony at the last ball

Hyacinth: Oh no dear! I couldn't let you loose as a Roman again!

Hyacinth is dismayed to see that she is not the only guest dressed as Queen Boudica

Hyacinth: Home, Richard! I will not share my throne with those impostors!

A Riverside Picnic[edit]

Hyacinth: It's my sister, Violet. She's the one with the Mercedes, sauna and a musical bidet. Classical, of course.

Skis[edit]

Hyacinth: (on the phone) Look, Rose. If you need somewhere private, bring him here. Then I can keep an eye on you, and Richard can show him his skis!

Country Estate Sale[edit]

Elizabeth: You're a grown man!
Emmet: And she's a groan a minute!

Hyacinth: (a little tipsy) I do hope, your Lordship, that someday you'll give me the pleasure of entertaining you at one of my candle-lie slippers. We shall most deferably be having a glass or two of the dowager Lady Ursula's home-goose wade-berry mine.

A Barbecue at Violet's[edit]

Hyacinth is harassing a man in a phone box. Richard decides enough is enough

Richard: Hyacinth, stop that at once and GET INTO THE CAR!
Man in phone box: Well done, sir! In wartime, you'd have got a medal for courage like that.

The Rolls Royce[edit]

Rose: Why is Onslow reading the Financial Times?
Onslow: I like to keep an eye on the economy. A bloke in my position has to wonder how long the country can afford him. If we don't get the economy right, people like me are gonna be in trouble! It's the duty of all of us to be concerned about the shrinking pound.
Daisy: And when I married him, I thought he was just a sex symbol.

The Hostess[edit]

Hyacinth: Now, what shall I wear to answer the telephone?

While fleeing from a group of men expecting a striptease artist

Hyacinth: You have one last task to perform.
Richard: What's that?
Hyacinth: To go back into Number 24a.
Richard: Why, for goodness' sake?
Hyacinth: To get Daddy out!

Christmas Special: The Pageant (1995)[edit]

Hyacinth: (on the phone to Daisy) I need volunteers. My other people didn't turn up. Everybody seems to be ill. There's an epidemic doing things to grandmothers you just wouldn't believe!

Hyacinth is leaving the church hall on a stretcher, after being injured by some falling scenery

Hyacinth: (to Richard) Please make sure Onslow wears a tie at the funeral.
Vicar: It was just a bump on the head, Mrs Bucket.
Hyacinth: Tell God it's Bouquet!

Miscellaneous[edit]

Hyacinth: The Bouquet residence, the lady of the house speaking.

Hyacinth: It's my sister, Violet, the one with the Mercedes, sauna and room for a pony.

Hyacinth: Oh, Richard!

Hyacinth: I must answer my white, slimline telephone with last number redial, it's bound to be someone important.