Inspector Morse

Inspector Morse was a television series starring John Thaw and Kevin Whately, based on the books by Colin Dexter.

Regular Quotes

• Various women: I can't go on calling you 'Inspector'. What's your name?
• Morse: Morse, everyone just calls me 'Morse'

• Morse: (exasperated) LEW-IS!

• Morse: You've done it again, Lewis! [Said when Lewis unwittingly helps Morse solve a mystery through a casual passing remark.]

• Morse: An orange juice for you, Lewis. You're driving.

• Morse: (slightly irritated) Yes, thank you, Lewis(!)

• Max: I couldn't possibly say!
• Morse: Come ON, Max!

First Series, 1987:

Episode 1. 'The Dead Of Jericho'

• Morse: Lewis, Sophocles died two and a half thousand years ago.

• Lewis: Hello, my name's 'Lewis', Mr Richards, we've never met...
• Morse: What did you say?
• Lewis: I was just saying to Mr Richards...
• Morse: But you HAVE met ...!

Episode 2. 'The Silent World Of Nicholas Quinn'

• Morse: I do hope that this isn't one of our sordid cases, Lewis

(The Professor is surprised to learn that Morse never married)

• Morse: No-one would put up with me - I play my records too loud

• Morse: I've gone and arrested the WRONG man!

• Morse: No, that's not 'Morse's Law'. 'Morse's Law' is there's always time for one more pint ... except there isn't.

Episode 3. 'Service Of All The Dead'

• Morse: Oh, grow up, Morse!

• "The House of The Lord should be daily swept and garnished"

Second Series, 1988:

Episode 4. 'The Wolvercote Tongue'

• Morse: And the rich do so hate answering questions!

• Serving Wench: (making a grand gesture) A messenger attends without, My Lord!
• Theodore Kemp: Hm?
• Wench: (slightly irritatedly and in a stage whisper) You're wanted on the 'phone!

• Lewis: (commenting on Mrs Downs): Fine woman, that! Full of life!
• Morse: And YOU the married man (!)
• Lewis: Ah, I don't mean THAT. You've a one-track mind, you!
• Morse: Yes, I want to know who killed Theodore Kemp.

• Morse: People's lives, Lewis. People's lives. And loves. It was love's old sweet song all along!

• Lewis: I think I'll just pop down and see Aunt Cissy.
• Morse: (laughs)
• Lewis: Aahh, you don't want us to do my back in again do you ?
• Morse: You do what you like Lewis. I'm going to stay and look at the water for a while.
• Lewis: (gently mocking) You. Water?
• Morse: If anybody wants me, I'll be looking at fish. Through the bottom of a beer glass!

Episode 5. 'Last Seen Wearing'

• Morse: Have you ever thought about the person who designed the sports skirt? Somebody sat down and drew a fantasy and made it compulsory uniform. I can never watch Wimbledon without thanking that man.

• Chief Supt. Strange: Are we having a depression?
• Morse: No, ...we are NOT having a depression!

• Max: Think of it like losing your finest recording of the 'Ring Cycle'
• Morse: Yes, but I've still got it on cassette!

• Mr. Craven: It's time to get your shoes dirty!

• Chief Supt. Strange: I'm the Superintendent. If one of my officers orders a constable to bring him whisky in a coffee-mug, I get to hear about it. It's my job!

• Lewis: What about Mr. Craven?
• Morse: Mr. Craven was at a lodge-meeting - fifteen minutes away from Clare Baines - with a list of witnesses as long as your arm. And as you know the Masonic arm is very long indeed!

Episode 6. 'The Settling Of The Sun'

• Morse: Beer is food
• Lewis: It is, for you!

(Not a classic episode of Morse)

Episode 7. 'Last Bus To Woodstock'

• Morse: Go home, Lewis. Kiss your children. See your wife

• Max: You can have a good relationship with a corpse

• Morse: Cat got your tongue, Lewis? Getting all too much for you, is it? A coded letter; stolen money; violence.
• Lewis: You forget one thing, Sir. Sex

• Morse: Let's get out of here. I hate the smell of hospitals
• Lewis: It's about time I bought you a pint
• Morse: It's long overdue, Lewis ... long overdue

Third Series, 1989:

Episode 8. 'Ghost In The Machine'

• Morse: Get an ambulance to Hanbury House as fast as you can! Some fool in a sports car just drove into a tree!

• Lewis: Was it from 'Cats'?
• Morse: No, it was not from 'Cats'!
• Lewis: Oh, the wife wants to see 'Cats'. Don't know why, she's allergic to them.

• Morse: It's people like them (the Hanburys) who think people like us are there to keep the servants in order.

• Morse: Keep tugging at your forelock, Lewis, and we may be back in Oxford by lunch-time
• Lewis: (after having been pulled up by Morse on a grammatical error on aprevious occasion): Shouldn't that be 'might'?

• Dr. Russell: I'm Max's locum.
• Morse: Where's Max?
• Dr. Russell: In the Radcliffe, unfortunately. A slight stroke. Nothing serious.
• Morse: But you're a...a...
• Dr. Russell: (interrupting) A pathologist, yes(!)

• Morse: Grayling...like the fish?

• Morse: Too much sang froid

• Morse: We're being led up the garden path, Lewis. A very picturesque garden and a very pretty path

• Morse: The people who live in places like this think that the rules don't apply to them

• Morse: Oh, God! What an inheritance!

Episode 9. 'The Last Enemy'

• Morse: How does one address a pathologist first thing in the morning?

• Lewis: (to Dr. Russell) Don't worry about him. He's got tooth-ache

• Miss Burn: You know Oxford. A back-biting, parochial little town

• Lewis: (to Dr Russell) What's a nice girl like you doing in a job like this?

• Dr Russell: How do you know I'm a 'nice girl' ?

• Dr Russell: (talking to Lewis about Morse) You like him, don't you?

• Lewis: He's one of the best

• Morse: I have a good memory, but a prosaic mind

• Canal worker: What is it that you're looking for, exactly?

• Morse (tacitly): A head

• The New Testament: "The last enemy that shall be destroyed is Death."

Episode 10. 'Deceived By Flight'

• Morse: I stumble about. That's what I do. Sometimes I stumble in the right direction

• Roland Marshall: Morse. My God ... it's 'Pagan Morse' !

• Morse: Would you keep an eye on my car? It's the red 'Jaguar' across the road

• Morse: People are dying out there. Even cricket has to come to a stop

• Lewis: I have to, er, y'know (use the Gents')
• Morse: (imitates Lewis) Yer knaa. I even bet you give it a number where you come from
• Lewis: Actually, we do

Episode 11. 'The Secret Of Bay 5B'

(An everyday story of murder and multi-storey carparks)

Fourth Series, 1990:

Episode 12. 'The Infernal Serpent'

• Milton's 'Paradise Lost': (Book 1) "Th' infernal Serpent; he it was, whose guile stir'd up with Envy and Revenge, deceiv'd the Mother of Mankind ..."

• Morse: You've just earned yourself a drink, Lewis.
• Lewis: Aw, it's lentil soup in the canteen today
• Morse: It's too warm for lentil soup!

• Lewis: Taxonomy? Sounds like stuffing. Stuffing umbrellas?
• Morse: Taxonomy means "a classification". The Master was making a joke.

• Mrs Copley-Barnes: There was a Serpent in our house, coiled around the foundation

Episode 13. 'The Sins Of The Fathers'

• Lewis: You'll never believe this, Sir. We have to visit a brewery!

• Butler: Your name, Sir?
• Morse: Morse
• Butler: Rank?
• Morse: And that's relevant, is it?
• Butler: It is if I'm to announce you...

• Lewis: The last shall be first and the first shall be last
• Morse: Very good, Lewis. I'm impressed. Where did you learn that?
• Lewis: At Sunday School
• Morse: And what is the relevance?
• Lewis: It means that one day I'll be Chief Inspector and you'll be Sergeant

• Mrs Radford: So, Morse, must the evil that men do live on after them?

• Morse: That's it, Lewis! You're a genius!

• Lewis: Do you fancy a pint, Sir?
• Morse: You know, Lewis ... I don't think I do

Episode 14. 'Driven To Distraction'

(Featured music by Julie London)

• George: The electrics are up the chute, for a start
• Morse: This car is pre-electric!

• Morse: That's our man, alright
• Lewis: Who?
• Morse: Boynton. We know who - all we have to work out now is how and why
• Lewis: What evidence have you got?
• Morse: Not a shred

• Lewis: You can't arrest the man just because you don't like him
• Morse: More's the pity!

• Lewis: You go trampling about, don't you. You think you're so clever, but sometimes you're a bloody fool!

Episode 15. 'Masonic Mysteries'

(Featured music from 'The Magic Flute' by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart)

• Morse: You'd better start by rolling your trouser-leg up, Lewis. DCI Bottomley is a grand master, a grander master that I
• Lewis: (to Bottomley) Like a game of chess, do you, Sir?

• Morse: With a man like deVries, you have to look INSIDE the coffin!

• Lewis: Is there anything that you want?
• Morse: Yes. Bring me the libretto of 'The Magic Flute'
• Lewis: Libretto?
• Morse: 'Little book'. It's in the album box-set
• Lewis: How about clothes?
• Morse: You think that I'm going to be here for that long?

(Morse is kneeling on the floor with de Vries holding a pistol to his head)

• Hugo deVries: You're sweating, Morse. It's most disagreeable.

(The door-bell rings)

• Hugo deVries: (emotionless and interrupted in full flow) Who is that?
• Morse: My sergeant.
• Hugo deVries: What is it with you English policemen? Going around in pairs like some low comedy act.

• Lewis: (admiring DeVries' Jaguar) Nice car!
• Morse: (dismissively) Rubbish, these new models. No class

• Hugo deVries: I like being dead. It takes the strain out of living

• Hugo deVries: I am Zoroastaros; YOU are Monostartos!

• Morse: Toscanini? Arturo Toscanini? That's the WORST recording of 'The Magic Flute' there's ever been! I wouldn't even let it in the house!

(After Bottomley's invitation to join the 'Masons)

• Morse: No, I don't join groups. I'm even thinking of leaving the choir.

Fifth Series, 1991:

Episode 16. 'Second Time Around'

• Lewis: (Noticing Inspector Hillian's drinking) The way he knocks it back, it's a wonder he lived to collect an OBE.
• Morse: People in glasshouses ...
• Lewis: (Looking in his own glass) This is only a little light wine Sir.
• Morse: I know what it is.
• Lewis: And it's only me second glass!
• Morse: Sanctimony, Lewis (shaking his head).

• Morse: Well, I think I'll go for a walk. What about you?
• Lewis: I could start work on the reports, Sir, if you want.
• Morse: Good man.
• Lewis: I mean, only if you want.
• Morse: Well why not. Procrastination is the thief of time, since we're swapping proverbs.

• Mrs Dawson: Patrick thinks you're a very good detective. A poor policeman, and a very good detective.
• Morse: Really. Well I suppose half a compliment is better than none.

• Morse: Different policemen have different methods, Mrs Lapsley

• Morse: Get on with it, Lewis!
• Lewis: Detective Chief Inspector Dawson, I'm arresting you for the murder of John Mitchell. You do not have to saything, but anything you do say may be given in evidence.

• Lewis: I think you could have let her win the chess, Sir.
• Morse: That's the worst kind of deception, Lewis

• Lewis: That badge of yours. Why did you keep it?
• Morse: Vanity I suppose. It was my first public speech.
• Lewis: Did you win?
• Morse: No. We lost.

Episode 17. 'Fat Chance'

• Lewis: [Enquiring after the chain-smoking female priest] Who, cigar and cassock?

• Lewis: She's a bit, you know ... holier than thou ...
• Morse: She IS a bit holier than thou, Lewis!

• Sister: And what, may I ask, are you doing with my patient?!
• Morse: Thames Valley Police. My name's Chief Inspector Morse. (shows warrant card)
• Sister: Am I supposed to be impressed?
• Morse: I'm making a few enquiries...
• Sister: Then you can make them to thin air - outside the gate!
• Morse: I could compel you to comply.
• Sister: I'd like to see you try. I am commanded by a higher authority than the Thames Valley Police!

• Lewis: She lied to you, Sir.

Episode 18. 'Who Killed Harry Field?'

• Harry Field's answering machine: Hello, this is Harry. Health, Wealth and Happiness! Leave a message - for God's sake!

• Morse: Hello, Harry - I got your note.

• Morse: Tired, Sir?
• Lewis: Yes, Lewis
• Morse: Why's that, then?
• Lewis: Lack of sleep.

• Morse: Here we are again, Lewis. Piecing together the last moments of a total stranger.

• Lewis: A Vincent Black Shadow motorcycle, registration number Oh Ay Eff ...
• Radio: (Static)
• Lewis: Well, black...obviously!

• Ian Kerr: Right, what have you got for me?

(Morse cues up a slide of a painting)

• Ian Kerr: What's this?
• Morse: A Whistler
• Ian Kerr: It's awful...where did you get it?
• Morse: At a wake!

Episode 19. 'Greeks Bearing Gifts'

• Morse: Watch the mouth: it gives away what the face is trying to hide

• Strange: Is that one of your quotes?

• Morse: Quotations. Lord Byron.

(speaking about a Greek replica ship)

• Tuckerman: Wouldn't you think they'd simply jump at the chance to show it abroad. Think of the media blitz there'd be!

• Morse: Perhaps they're afraid they'll never get it back.

• Tuckerman: The Frogs got the Mona Lisa back after it'd been to New York.

• Morse: The Italians didn't.

• Tuckerman: This is the time of the high-fliers, Inspector. Only the brain-dead stay on the ground.

• Morse: Ever heard of Icarus?

• Tuckerman: No, why? Did he work for me?

• Morse: I meant on your wunderings through antiquity. A mythical figure. The first bird-man. Flew too near the sun. Melted the wax on his wings, fell from the sky, and was drowned. In the Aegean.

• Morse: Almost operatic. Greek Tragedy. You should try the Myths sometime, Lewis. Sex is never simple there: there's pleasure, then there's payment. Retribution.

Episode 20. 'Promised Land'

• Morse: They don't spell Australian beer with four X's out of ignorance!

• Ann Harding: You're a bastard, Morse.

• Lewis: ...and my name's Robert. My friends call me 'Robbie'.
• Lewis: How old are you, sir?
• Morse: I forget, Robbie.

Sixth Series, 1992:

Episode 21. 'Dead On Time'

• Strange: You said it was suicide, Morse. Then some GP comes down from Ben Nevis, waving some pages of A4 - and everything changes!

• Morse: It was Mrs. Fallon I knew - before she became Mrs Fallon. We were engaged to be married.

• Susan Fallon: Did you hate me ...?

• Morse: Hate you? My God, Susan...

• McGregor: It's a Sergeant Lewis, Master William! Fa' th' polis!

Episode 22. 'Happy Families'

• Charlie's Photographer: What's that music?

• Charlie: That's Mozart, Charlie.

• Morse: I was precise and I was courteous.

• Superintendant: You were bloody superior!

• James Balcombe: You haven't been saying silly things, have you Mummy, to the police?

• Morse: It's something that I read in a book!

Morse: I've never been taken off a case in my life!

Morse: Take my picture NOW! Take it NOW!

Episode 23. 'The Death Of The Self'

• Russell Clark: You're not in the chorus yet, but you're part of the show.

• Lewis: What is again, Sir?

• Morse: (enunciates clearly) 'Una grappa di secco' for me - and 'una bierra' for you

• Morse: When I'm ready, Mr Clark. I'll speak to you when I'm ready.

• Morse: Faking it until the end, Clark?

Episode 24. 'Absolute Conviction'

• Morse: We go directly to Jail!

• Mrs Cryer: Apparently, the British public like their widows in black.

• Morse: (to Cheetham) To you, it's 'Sir', sonny!

• Sgt Cheetham: Chasing a madman around a greenhouse - what a waste of time!

• Bennett: A queer one, is our Morse!

• Morse: I'm sorry - it isn't beer, it's coffee. But then again, it isn't coffee!

Episode 25. 'Cherubim & Seraphim'

'Cherubim slogan: 'PROTECT ME FROM WHAT I WANT'

'Cherubim' answerphone message: If it's good news, leave me a message - if it's bad news, don't bother!

• Supt. Strange: Kids are like Special Branch. You don't know what the blighters are up to!

• Supt. Strange: Teenagers are like creatures from another planet.

• Morse: I'll ask Lewis - he has children

• Morse: If you're going to retire, Holroyd, just go ahead and do it!

• Morse: No-one can imagine another's pain, Robbie

• Morse: What's that..? Play that bit again, Lewis. That's the Hallelujah Chorus! ... conducted by Sir Adrian Boult!

• Morse: It's 'magpie music' - a bit here, a bit there...

Seventh Series, 1993:

Episode 26. 'Deadly Slumber'

• Michael Steppings: I didn't kill that man, Mr Morse

• Chief Supt. Strange: Get youself down there, matey. And give him hell!

• Dr Feltham: Why is it, Chief Inspector, that doctors make the worst patients?

• Michael Steppings: You could go anywhere you wanted to.

• Morse: Yes. But what would I do when I got there?

• Chief Supt. Strange: There's one thing I don't understand! Why haven't I met this Steppings? Anyone 'nouveau riche' is only too quick to knock on the door of society these days.

• Lewis: You mean, you've never come across him at the Lodge, Sir?

• Chief Supt. Strange: Not exactly, Serg... (to Morse) And what exactly is SO funny?

• Morse: Nothing. I was just reflecting on Sergeant Lewis' view of polite Oxfordshire society!

• Morse: If Michael Steppings was monstrous, he was MADE monstrous!

• Mr Neally (solicitor): My client just sat there and confessed?
• Morse: Yes.

• Lewis: Shame to waste them, Sir. Red roses - one of the most expensive flowers around

• Morse: I sent her some once before. They had a much higher price-tag!

Episode 28. 'Twilight Of The Gods'

(contains the famous/infamous "knob-head English policeman" quote)

Pagodas in the park, yet!

• Gwladys Probert: I'm sorry, luvvy. You sound like you're giving the weather forecast.

• Lewis: Sergeants aren't allowed to think. Not in the Thames Valley Police

Specials, 1995–2000:

Episode 31. Death Is Now My Neighbour

• Adele Cecil: This anagram, "around eve" — I've tried and I've tried, but all I can come up with is "Endeavour". And no-one's called Endeavour, surely?

Morse: I told you — my mother was a Quaker, and Quakers sometimes call their children names like 'Hope', and 'Patience'. My father was obsessed with Captain Cook, and his ship was called Endeavour. Why aren't you both laughing?

Lewis: You poor sod!

Adele Cecil: I'm not calling you "Endeavour".

Lewis: Call him "Sir". He likes that.

Adele Cecil: Oh, no, no,— I'll stick to "Morse", like everyone else.

Morse: [Raises his glass of beer.] Cheers!

Episode 33. The Remorseful Day

• Woman: What's your first name?
• Morse: Inspector.

• Chief Supt. Strange: He always was an independent sod!

• Lewis: Goodbye, Sir

External links

• Inspector Morse quotes at the Internet Movie Database
• Inspector Morse at TV.com