JAG

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JAG (1995–2005), is an American TV series about fictional events at the Navy's Judge Advocate General's Corps. JAG is an elite legal wing of officers trained as lawyers who investigate, prosecute and defend those accused of crimes in the military, including murder, treason and terrorism. Most of the stories focus on the highs and lows of Captain Harmon Rabb, Jr., a hot-shot fighter pilot-turned lawyer who brings his fly-boy mentality to the courtroom, and Lieutenant Colonel Sarah MacKenzie, a tough, by-the-book Marine who often clashes with him, in and out of the courtroom.

Contents

JAG: A New Life: The 2hr Pilot[edit]

Cpt. Boone (CAG): Chief, if I bagged a Klingon I believe you would know what flag to paint on her.
CPO Ned Bannon: Klingons are easy, sir. Now a Romulan warship, that might be a problem. They're invisible.

Cpt. Ross: You have whoever sent that message to CNIC-Med on my quarterdeck by sunset, Mr. Rubin, or you'll spend the rest of your tour sending semaphore to Eskimos.

Lt. Kate Pike: I am 27 years old, a Harvard law school graduate, and a lieutenant in the same navy as you. Don't treat me as anything less!

Lt. Kate Pike: Those wings look good on you.
Lt. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Well, you know what they say about gold wings and dress whites. They'll get you in bed anywhere.
Lt. Kate Pike: Except here.

Cpt. Boone (CAG): You don't like female pilots, do you, son?
Lt. Jack 'Ripper' Carter: No sir, I do not.
Cpt. Boone (CAG): Neither do I. Don't believe they have the stomach for battle.
Lt. Jack 'Ripper' Carter: You got that right, CAG.
Cpt. Boone (CAG): But if one of my LSOs ever intentionally waved a pilot off because she was a female, I'd keelhaul him.

Cpt. Boone (CAG): We will be flying a Tomcat that has been modified for re-con and training missions. There's a complete set of controls in your cockpit. But if you touch anything other than your personal joystick, I will eject you over the Adriatic and forget where I did it.

Lt. Kate Pike: (about the CAG) What gives him the right to decide who belongs up there and who doesn't?
Lt. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Twenty-five years and a thousand traps.

Lt. Kate Pike: You're FLYING?!?
Lt. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: You really know how to build a guy's confidence, Kate.

(After making a night trap in a damaged Tomcat with an injured pilot)
CPO Ned Bannon: He's breathing.
Lt. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: That makes one of us.

Lt. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Before this gets embarrassing for both of us, you don't have to thank me.
Cpt. Boone (CAG): Thank you for what? You're a naval aviator, I damn well expected you to get us back.

Season 1[edit]

Shadow [1.03][edit]

Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: Kate sends her regrets.
Lt. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: You know Kate?
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: Well enough for her to warn me, sir.
Lt. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: About what?
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: That's privileged information, Lieutenant.

Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: I can decipher computer codes in as little as 30 seconds, sir.
Lt. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: And as long as?
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: Three days, but that was in Chinese.

Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: I thought nuclear subs were big.
Lt. Cmdr Scott: Those are the Boomers and missile boats. We're in a tag boat; small, compact.
Lt. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: (bumps head) And deadly to anyone over 5'2"

Weapons Officer: What'd you fly, Lieutenant?
Lt. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Tomcats
Weapons Officer: From Tomcats to JAG?
Lt. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: I broke one. They wouldn't give me another one.

Dirk Grover: We're not at the rendezvous?
Lt. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: No, Mr. Grover. You do not pass 'Go', you do not collect $40 million. You go straight to jail.

Desert Son [1.04][edit]

Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: I have to plead Article 5 of the code of conduct.
Lt. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Name, rank, serial number, and date of birth?
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: It's the closest thing to an "I can't tell you how I'm how I'm gonna do it" article, sir.


Deja Vu [1.05][edit]

Lt. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: We were just talking.
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: Harm, you and I are just talking. You and she were tangoing across the dance floor half-naked, one foot in the nearest bedroom.
Lt. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: And you got all that from a "Pleasure to meet you, too, Lieutenant?" Amazing.

(Meg is getting dressed for the evening in a short red dress and heels.)
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: I'm on my way to meet Detective Axelrood.
Lt. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Using your human approach?
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: That's right.
Lt. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Meaning you're wearing a dress.
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: Don't think you know me that well, because you don't. I'll be so subtle by the time I work my way around to asking for the file he'll barely notice.
Lt. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Is it a red dress?


Pilot Error [1.06][edit]

Lt. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Sorry we're late, sir, we were misdirected.
James Reid: Is that a pilot's way of saying 'lost'?
Lt. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Pilots don't get lost, Mr. Reid, just momentarily disoriented.

Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: You sound like my dad.
Lt. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Uh-oh. I'm in trouble when you start comparing me to your father.
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: My brother?
Lt. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Even worse.

Lt. Tess McKee: Marines. You know, they're the only species on the planet that will develop a crush on you if you punch them out?

Lt. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Five traps?!?!
Lt. Moore: It's what Lieutenant Pendry did the morning of his flight.
Lt. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: That's like preparing for a football game with five boxing matches.

(after a rough carrier landing)
Lt. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Sorry, I'm a little rusty.
Lt. Tess McKee: You're not rusty, Lieutenant, you're corroded.
(Four landings later…)
Lt. Tess McKee: Thank God that's over, you're making me wish I'd joined the Air Force!


War Cries [1.07][edit]

Lt. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: If security gets any tighter, they'll be strip searching us.
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: I wouldn't get my hopes up, sir.

Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: Would you be saying this if I were a man?
Lt. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Yes. But if you were a man, you'd have some explaining to do about the way you fill out that uniform.

Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: Looked more like intimidation.
Gunnery Sgt. Granger: Well, the enemy can be pretty damed intimidating.

Lt. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: I'm a lawyer, Cortez. No one is ever glad to see me.

Ambassador Bartlett: Is this vest thick enough, Gunney?
Gunnery Sgt. Granger: Oh, it's top of the line, all-spectra Guardian vest, ma'am. It will stop a 9mm round at point-blank range.
Ambassador Bartlett: What if someone aims at my head?
Gunnery Sgt. Granger: Duck, ma'am.


Brig Break [1.08][edit]

Lt. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Our first priority is the safety of the hostage.
Major Aspinal: My first priority is to bring escaped prisoners under control. For all I know, that hostage is dead!
Lt. Kate Pike: He's right, sir!
Lt. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb & Major Aspinal: Who's right?!?!

Lt. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: You give me one good reason why two of us should be doing this?
Lt. Kate Pike: They might not shoot a woman as quickly as a man.
Lt. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Ok, you negotiate. (Hands over the white flag, turns to leave.)
Lt. Kate Pike: (stops him) I'm not that big a feminist.

Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: You're bleeding to death! (Removes his belt to use as a tourniquet)
Petty Officer Peter Quinn: Lieutenant, we barely know each other.

Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: We're looking for a 5 digit code with a 7.
Lt. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: How much time?
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: 7 minutes. Funny, huh?
Lt. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb & Lt. Kate Pike: No!

Lt. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Who was right?
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: I don't think the wrong one would want you to know that, sir.


Scimitar [1.09][edit]

Lt. Dumai: Do you respect no man?
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: Respect, yes. Fear, no.

Colonel Ahmad Al-Barzan: How can work compare to the caresses of a man you love?
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: I wasn't comparing them, Colonel. You were.
Colonel Ahmad Al-Barzan: A woman like you needs a strong hand.
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: I already have a strong hand. My own.

Lt. Dumai: You think that you are superior to me because men treat you as an equal.
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: No. And not all men treat me as an equal. I just don't accept the behavior of those who don't as correct.

Lt. Dumai: Have you ever heard of Babylon?
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: Of course. Everyone's heard of ancient Babylon. The Tower, and the Hanging Gardens….
Lt. Dumai: It is 3000 years old and we have other cities even older, and how old is America?
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: A little over 200 years.
Lt. Dumai: Your country is like a child who has learned nothing yet thinks it knows everything. Let your civilization survive its first thousand years; then perhaps we'll begin to listen.
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: Even the young have something of value to offer.
Lt. Dumai: But is it not for the old to decide if they want accept it?
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: Yes.
Lt. Dumai: Then why do you try so hard to push your ways on me?
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: Because I can't stand to see anyone denied their human right.

Harm: It’s just like Stagecoach!
David: Uh huh, with John Wayne.
Meg: John Wayne was being chased by Iraqis?
Harm: Indians.
David: Right in the middle of Monument Valley.
Meg: Bet they didn’t have a woman with them.
Harm: You’d bet wrong! They had a woman a lot like you. Claire Trevor.
David: Yep. Prostitute Duke fell for.
Meg: Are you comparing me to a prostitute?
David: Uh, no ma'am, I didn't say that!
Harm: I did! And I meant she was spunky.
Meg: 'Spunky' doesn't cut it, sir.
Harm: How about pretty?

Boot [1.10][edit]

(Editor's note: 'Boot' was originally supposed to be aired after episode 1.13, 'Defensive Action'. At the beginning of that episode, Rabb is promoted to Lieutenant Commander. This is why he is a LCDR in this episode and a LT in the next)

Cmdr. Ted Lindsey: That's what I told them. That occasionally circumstances dictate that we have to act beyond the courtroom. Then State wanted to look at your cases for the past few months, and wanted to know if staging jailbreaks in Iraq, flying missions in F-14s, and recovering stolen nuclear weapons qualified as "occasionally."
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Well, they say the Navy is not just a job, it's an adventure.

Sergeant Carrington: You must satisfy me, or you will never leave this island. And don't get any bright ideas. Because we have a swamp so deep, it will take you down quicker than your boyfriend.
Private Johnson: My man's out there, ain't no swamp gonna stop me.

Private Johnson: Next time you screw up, you and I are gonna have a little night visit.
Private Whitley: Leave her alone.
Private Johnson: You want some of me? (Silence) That's what I thought. (to Meg) You straight?
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: Uh-huh. Are you?

Sergeant Carrington: A Marine should always be alert. I will demonstrate why. (Pushes Meg into a mud pit)

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Staff Sergeant Carrington, I'd like you to meet Lieutenant JG Austin,
Sergeant Carrington: (Surprised look) Ma'am.
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: I know it wasn't personal. You were just doing your job.
Sergeant Carrington: Yes ma'am, that's because I thought Private McEntire had a future in the military. I just didn't realize how right I was. Ma'am.


Sightings [1.11][edit]

Lt. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: My four bits.
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: I never understood bits.
Lt. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: It comes from the old Spanish dollar, pieces of eight. Two bits to a quarter, four bits, fifty cents, my fifty cents which is in your pocket.
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: I bet you go Dutch on dates.

Lt. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: You expect the spaceships to be lined up along the tarmac?
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: Very funny.
Lt. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Seriously. If there was a race advanced enough to travel millions of light-years to Earth, I truly doubt we could catch them, no matter how much we wanted to.

Lt. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: I counted the beams. There are at least five of them out there.
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: Five what?
Lt. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Men. Those are targeting beams.
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: Targeting beams are red.
Lt. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Well, maybe they don't like red
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: Or can't see red.

Lt. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Cathy, did they come in a, uh…
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: You can't even say it. A spaceship.
Cathy Gold: If they did that, they wouldn't be ghosts, they'd be aliens!

Lt. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: How do I write this up, Meg?
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: By the book.
Lt. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: You really want me to enter that you first thought we were dealing with a UFO full of little green men?
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: Shut up and drive. Sir.


The Brotherhood [1.12][edit]

Lt. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: That's a little crazy even for a Marine.
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: Nothing's too crazy for Marines.

Captain Overton: That piece of crap will blow your hand off if you pop it, the barrel's full of dirt.
(Tyler goes to check it.)
Captain Overton: Oh, that's smart, look down the barrel of a loaded pistol.

Reaper: Top Gun and Snowflake have arrived.

Reaper: 'Be all that you can be.'
(Shoots Tyler's gun, it explodes in his hand.)
Captain Overton: That's the Army slogan, Lefty.

Tyler Hanson: Call me T.
Gunnery Sergeant Cane: I will call you a lot of names, boy, but it will not be 'T'.


Defensive Action [1.13][edit]

CPO Ned Bannon: (of carrier aviation) You still miss it don't you, sir?
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Only when I'm back onboard. Or see a jet. Shaving in the morning, in my dreams, eating a pizza, watching a movie…

Commander Alison Krennick: If I were you, talking hypothetically, of course, I'd be asking for a deal.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Well, I'm not, but since we're talking hypothetically, what would that deal be?
Commander Alison Krennick: CAG resigns, admits his responsibility, court-martial never happens.
Cpt. Boone (CAG): You can go to hell. Hypothetically.

Commander Alison Krennick: Does the Crusader's profile look anything like that of a MiG?
Cpt. Boone (CAG): No it does not.
Commander Alison Krennick: But that's what the pilot saw. He is in enemy airspace, and having encountered MiGs earlier in the day, his brain turned your Crusader into a MiG.
Cpt. Boone (CAG): He was an Air Force pilot.

Cpt. Boone (CAG): Gentlemen, since I am not a lawyer, I'll be brief.
Commander Alison Krennick: Good God, we're dealing with Abe Lincoln.
Cpt. Boone (CAG): I am a naval aviator. With 11000 flying hours, 908 of which were in combat. I know gunfire when I see it; I did not imagine it. The Hind was firing at my men while they hung helpless in their chutes. What I did, I would do again without hesitation even if doing so meant ending my naval career. God knows it is not a career I wish to end, that will happen soon enough. But better that than to break the sacred trust between an officer and those he commands to do what ever is in his power to protect them, not only when such action is obvious or politically correct, but even when it is sure to be unpopular and questioned. The day that I can no longer live up to that trust you will not have to ask for my resignation, gentleman, it will be tendered without hesitation.

Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: I'd love to see the faces of the three officers who voted guilty when they hear about this.
Commander Alison Krennick: No way of knowing who they are.
Cpt. Boone (CAG): Oh, I know who they are.
Commander Alison Krennick: You do?
Cpt. Boone (CAG): Hell yes, I do.
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: How would he know?
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: He's the CAG!

Smoked [1.14][edit]

Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: All they have to do is download five chips and they'll have what makes the Tomcat so lethal.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: The pilot?
Cmdr Alison Krennick: Your wings are glinting, Commander

Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: Sir, the Secretary wants to know why we're not turning back.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: He told me to land at the nearest field, it's in Cuba.
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: Harm, he'll have a heart attack!
Havana Approach: (over radio) 7-Zulu, I repeat, what is the nature of your emergency?
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Havana, 7-Zulu. We have a medical emergency, a passenger is going into cardiac arrest!

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: I wouldn't flash a yellow, I'd go straight to red around here.
Captain Carlos Fuente: I assume the commander was referring to a stoplight. And this stoplight has something to do with sexual advances?
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: Why would you think that?
Captain Carlos Fuente: A warning from a man to a woman left alone with another man usually does.
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: It's part our Navy sexual sensitivity training. It's an inoffensive way to signal a male when his speech or behavior is inappropriate.
Captain Carlos Fuente: The most powerful Navy in the world actually teaches this kindergarten approach to sex?
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: It works.
Captain Carlos Fuente: Lieutenant...
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: Sometimes.
Captain Carlos Fuente: And are Navy women permitted to signal green lights?
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: I suppose so.
Captain Carlos Fuente: And what would I have to do to get a green light, Lieutenant Austin?
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: Yellow light, Captain Fuente.

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: You said anything I asked!
Raoul: I've got a big mouth!

Assistant Secretary of State David Bair: How did you sabotage it?
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: With a Navy-issue 34-inch brass-tipped cinch.
Assistant Secretary of State David Bair: What the hell is that?
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: My belt.


Hemlock [1.15][edit]

Hemlock: I'm afraid your Lieutenant Commander is in for some rough seas.
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: He's a survivor, sir.
Hemlock: We'll see.
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: Sir?
(Hemlock shoots Meg in the head)

Admiral A.J. Chegwidden: Steal their thunder! S.O.B. comes in here and shoots one of my officers, I want him stuffed and put in my trophy room. And I want us to do it.

Cmdr. Alison Krennick: Something wrong?
Computer Hacker: (looking at Krennick's chest) Are those real or did you, uh, buy them?
Cmdr. Alison Krennick: Original equipment. Inherited from my grandmother.
Computer Hacker: My grandmother, uh, left me this place. But I like what yours, uh, left you, uh, better.
Cmdr. Alison Krennick: So do I.

Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: Hey, Harm.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Hi, Meg.
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: How was lunch?


High Ground [1.16][edit]

Gunnery Sergeant Ray Crockett: See, I know things, sir. For instance, I know you are either a cross-dressing weirdo, or you work real close with a woman. (sniffs) Perfume. Nice one. French, I'd say. Chanel.

Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: Imagine one person killing 163 men.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Yeah, well, it's real easy to imagine if you've ever fired a Tomahawk missile in combat.

Cmdr Alison Krennick: I've planned an officers' retreat at Admiral Chegwidden's beach house on Hilton Head. I expect you to attend.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: I may have to send my regrets to the admiral.
Cmdr Alison Krennick: Actually, the admiral won't be there. Just you and me.

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: For 27 years the Corps asked Crockett to put his soul in storage, and perform a duty which few men are capable of. I submit it is time to give Crockett the space his soul needs to find some peace. sir.

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Still don't remember him, do you, Gunny?
Gunnery Sergeant Ray Crockett: Commander, a Gunnery Sergeant don't tell a two-star he don't remember him.

Black Ops [1.17][edit]

Senator Grace Marion: My son was destined for more than a 6x3 plot at Arlington.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: They all were, ma'am.

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: I guess you really do have to be crazy to be a SEAL.
Lt. Alexander Kellogue: It's no crazier than ejecting from a cockpit with a rocket up your butt, sir.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Maybe not, but I only do that when I don't have a choice.

Admiral A.J. Chegwidden: My name is Admiral Chegwidden. I am the Judge Advocate General of the United States Navy. Before I leave this hangar, I will know the why and the how of Lieutenant Douglas Marion's death, or Commander Rabb, here, is gonna have your ass... and I'm gonna own your soul.

Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: No death is useless, they all serve a purpose. Even if in our grief, it eludes us.

(just before a parachute jump into the ocean)
Lt. Alexander Kellogue: By the way, Commander Rabb, can you swim?
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Now's a hell of a time to ask!

Survivors [1.18][edit]

Joyce Anderson: Arresting Matt could ruin his career.
Divorce Lawyer: Mrs. Anderson, most ex-wives would pay me double for that.

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: So far defending Striker's buddy has cost me $350 for a new suit, 12 days of leave time, and a bruised ego.


Recovery [1.19][edit]

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: The space program likes Navy pilots. We make their best astronauts.
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: Right, I think I read that somewhere in Kepler's laws of planetary motion.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Hey, all I need to say is the first American in outer space was not an Air Force jock. They put up a man who knew how to make a trap.
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: Then why was the first man in orbit a Marine?

Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: (re: Apollo 11) I bet there were a lot of future astronauts recruited that night.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Yeah, bet there were. What do you remember about it?
Lt. J.G. Meg Austin: Nothing. I was a baby.

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Seems perverted to rig an aerodynamic bird like this to fly like an anvil.

(after a frightening 'dead stick' landing of a sabotaged aircraft)
Lt. Cmdr. Mark Lowrey: You know, on a scale of one to ten, I gave you a 3.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: That high?

Major Russell: You know the guy who is responsible for your STA problems?
Lt. Cmdr. Mark Lowrey: I hope not personally.
Major Russell: Lieutenant Commander Rabb thinks he may have done something to the capture arm.
Lt. Cmdr. Mark Lowrey: Terrific.

The Prisoner [1.20][edit]

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Harm. Harmon Rabb. I'm a Lieutenant Commander in the United States navy.
(laughter)
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: What's so funny?
Voice: You tell Colonel Han, I've been here too long to play a game like this anymore.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Why are you saying that?
Voice: Because I'm Lieutenant Commander Harmon Rabb, US Navy.

Voice: Remember what I used to tell you when you were little?
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Always address adults as 'sir' or 'ma'am' and never play with matches?
Voice: And that our instincts are always right, we just learn to ignore them.

Colonel Yung-Chi: I am not Han. My name is Colonel Yung-Chi. I replaced Colonel Han ten years ago.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Ten years ago?
Colonel Yung-Chi: Yes. Who told you about Colonel Han?
(Harm turns back towards the border)
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: My father.

Ares [1.21][edit]

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Eager to get out, more like. I didn't feel safe from any last minute assignments until I was on the plane.
Lt. Kate Pike: A false sense of security.

Lt. Kate Pike: I have become an expert at turning temporary assignments into semi-permanent exile

Lieutenant Donovan: (re: Ares control system) It can practically run the whole ship.
Lt. Kate Pike: Why even keep the crew on board?
Lieutenant Donovan: We have a good union.

Lt. Cmdr Gino Campisano: I walk out of here, or he dies.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Try it. I don't like him, anyway. What's it gonna be?
(Rabb shoots Campisano)
Commander Dennis Brockman: You could have killed me!
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Would you rather he had killed you?

Flight Attendant: (over intercom) Paging passenger Rabb, Lieutenant Commander Rabb, please press your call button.
Lt. Kate Pike: I think I hear duty calling.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: No!
Flight Attendant: (over intercom) Lieutenant Commander Rabb, please press your call button so the flight attendant can locate you. You have an emergency message.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: No! (off Kate's look) (jabs call button)


Skeleton Crew [1.22][edit]

Editor's Note: JAG was canceled by NBC before the second half of this intended two-part episode could be produced. When the show was revived by CBS, this cliffhanger was ignored until the third season episode Death Watch [3.19]

Ensign Bud Roberts: We can get eggs and pancakes on the ship, I don't know why you want to pay for them at the diner.
CPO Ned Bannon: Mr. Roberts, if you have to ask that that after 6 months at sea I can't explain it to you.

Agent Brian Turque: You can't investigate the murder of your girlfriend.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: How about my sister?
Agent Brian Turque: She was your sister?
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: No, but that's a better way to describe our relationship, and I'm not leaving her murder investigation to someone who jumps to conclusions as fast as you.

Admiral A.J. Chegwidden: Nobody pulls a JAG officer off an investigation except me or God, and He hasn't asked.

Cmdr. Alison Krennick: I've always maintained that there is no such thing as a platonic relationship between a healthy man and woman, unless one of them is gay and the other is neutered.

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Diane and I never slept together.
Cmdr. Alison Krennick: What were you going to do all weekend, play gin?
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Red light, Commander.
Cmdr. Alison Krennick: My God, I think you really mean it.

Season 2[edit]

We the People [2.1][edit]

Admiral A.J. Chegwidden: Well done, Commander.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Thank you, sir.
Lt. J.G. Bud Roberts: Very well done, sir
Admiral A.J. Chegwidden: Don't over do it, Mr. Roberts, he's a naval aviator. With his wings comes an ego as big as an Admiral's.
Lt. J.G. Bud Roberts: One or two stars, sir? (silence) I was joking,sir
Admiral A.J. Chegwidden: Lieutenant J.G.s don't joke with admirals, son, it could get him transferred to a supply ship in the Aleutians. Joking is strictly an admiral's privilege.

Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: We have 33 minutes, Commander.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: How do you do that?
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: I've got great timing.

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Hey, there's a bed back here.
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: So?
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Well, it fits our cover story.

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: I keep forgetting I don't know you.
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: Deja vu again?
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Only whenever I see your face. Or hear you talk. I wouldn't know about your smile, I haven't seen one yet.
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: There's not much to smile about.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: I guess not.
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: Sounds like I have a twin out there.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Not anymore.

Colonel Matt O'Hara: Where did you find this sailor, Sarah?
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: In a rose garden, Uncle Matt.


Secrets [2.2][edit]

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Leave it to the Marines.
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: Most people do.

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: You all right, Admiral?
Admiral A.J. Chegwidden: I'm fine, Commander, but this Private's got a problem.

Capt. Gayle Osbourne: Hello, Admiral. Nice to know you're alive.
Admiral A.J. Chegwidden: You don't expect me to return that compliment, do you?

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: You have access to a lot of places for a Special Assistant to an Undersecretary of State.
Special Agent Clayton Webb: I am a Special Assistant to State. Sometimes.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: And other times?
Special Agent Clayton Webb: I do other things. Doesn't everybody in Washington?

Admiral A.J. Chegwidden: We're running out of time, here, son.
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: Three minutes if you're right about Osbourne only giving us a half hour, Admiral.
Admiral A.J. Chegwidden: How the hell do you do that, Major?
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: I don't really know, sir, but I'm never off by more than 30 seconds.


Jinx [2.3][edit]

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: What is that?
Lt. J.G. Bud Roberts: It's a cell phone, sir!
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: I know that! What's it doing up here?!

Lt. J.G. Bud Roberts: Does that mean you're not mad at me anymore, sir?
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: I was never mad at you, Bud! It's Mac that's always complaining about you!

Annie Pendry: Don't worry, I still have faith in you. You're basically good material.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Basically?
Annie Pendry: Well, I mean, if you were perfect, don't you think you would have fallen in love by now?
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: I'm working on it. (reaches out to stroke her hair)

Annie Pendry: Is that why you come here? Because you think we need you?
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: At first, yeah. But, somewhere along the way I stopped coming just to check in on you.
Annie Pendry: Harm, I don't want to start something for the wrong reasons. You just do more damage than good when you leave.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Then maybe I shouldn't leave.
Annie Pendry: No, you have to.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Why?
Annie Pendry: Because I want you to stay!
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Well, now I know I'm confused.

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Hell, Lieutenant, looks like your luck's changing.
Lt. Pete 'Pistol' Ayers: I thought you didn't believe in luck, sir.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Only the good kind. Well, Lieutenant, I'd fly with you anytime. You're untouchable.


Heroes [2.4][edit]

Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: Objection. Your honor, the prosecution has just gone from speculation to fantasy.

Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: If you have some evidence I should know about...
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: You'll eventually get it, and then you can plea bargain.
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: In your dreams, Commander.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Oh, you don't want to be in my dreams, Major.
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: Red light, Commander.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Red light? There was nothing sexual in what I said, and if you think there was, then maybe, I should give you the red light.

Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: Commander, you gave it your best and came up short. When you grasp for straws like that letter, maybe its time to punch out.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Punching out is the last thing a pilot ever wants to do. People think you get in trouble, pull the magic handle, and float safely to the ground? Every time you punch out you end up an inch shorter.
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: No problem, Commander, you've got a few inches to spare.

Chief Herradin: Takes a big man to admit he's wrong, Commander.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Well, I don't know about being a big man. But I was wrong.
Chief Herradin: You're damn right you were wrong. My son died for his country. You tried to take that away from me.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: He didn't die for his country, Chief. He died for you.
Chief Herradin: (chuckles) What's that supposed to mean?
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Your son was HIV positive.
Chief Herradin: What?
Harm: And he couldn't admit that to you. Or that he was a homosexual. So rather than face you, he stood up into Chief Connors' line of fire.
Chief Herradin: (disbelieving look)
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Congratulations on your son's Navy cross, Chief.
(throws his entire glass of beer in Chief Herradin's face)
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: (cont'd): You earned it.

Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: Cute does not work on me, Harm.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: I wasn't being cute. I was being funny.
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: Yeah, like the way you fired that H&K in court?
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Well, I thought it was pretty funny when you ducked under the table.
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: I'm a Marine, Harm. Marines don't duck.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: What do Marines do?
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: They take cover, but they never duck.


Crossing the Line [2.5][edit]

Lt. Elizabeth 'Skates' Hawkes: For a woman to be 'one of the guys', sometimes she has to be willing to give up somethings of herself. You know, be less of a woman. Sometimes it sucks.
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: So the question is, why should she have to be 'one of the guys'?

Lt. J.G. Bud Roberts: You look nice. Uh, I'm sorry, I did not mean that.
Ens. Harriet Sims: So you don't think I look nice?
Lt. J.G. Bud Roberts: Well, I just don't know if it was appropriate to say. I outrank you, and I may have inadvertently uttered a yellow-light remark.
Ens. Harriet Sims: You have an ulterior motive, Lieutenant?
Lt. J.G. Bud Roberts: No! I don't think I do.
Ens. Harriet Sims: Then I'll choose to believe you were sincere.

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: You grounded Lieutenant Isaacs after a substandard landing. The LSO log indicates: OSCB, EGAR, DNKH.
Capt. Thomas Boone (CAG): That's correct.
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: Can you tell me what those initials stand for, sir?
Capt. Thomas Boone (CAG): OSCB, Over Shot Came Back. EGAR, Eased Gun At Ramp.
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: What about, uh... DNKH?
Capt. Thomas Boone (CAG): Well, that's the technical one, Major. Damn Near Killed Herself.

Capt. Thomas Boone (CAG): (re: carrier aviation) You miss it?
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Sometimes. Never at night.

Ens. Harriet Sims: I want you to kiss me.
Lt. J.G. Bud Roberts: Green light?
(they kiss)
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: (watching from a distance) I just had a scary thought.
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: Their children?

Trinity [2.6][edit]

Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: I though you said this Barnes was a ghost.
Admiral A.J. Chegwidden: Well, Major, I guess that makes you two ghostbusters.

Barkeep: This clientele consists solely of self-declared degenerates.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Any IRA?
Barkeep: No. Just your regular thieving bastards. We're not political.

Lt. Linda Nivens: No, I'm coming with you.
Lorcan Barnes: I'm afraid I can't have that.
Lt. Linda Nivens: (re: Commander Rabb) You're taking him.
Lorcan Barnes: He's insurance. I don't look at you in the same way. No offense.
Lt. Linda Nivens: He's my son, too, Lorcan.
Lorcan Barnes: Aye, and he'll need a parent left to raise him. (kisses her) God be with ye, my love.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: I'll get him back, Lieutenant.
Lt. Linda Nivens: Bring them both back, sir.

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Is all of it? Necessary? The violence?
Lorcan Barnes: Only legitimate targets.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Still, there are always alternatives to killing.
Lorcan Barnes: Well, you can afford such civility, can't ye? You have your liberty. Spilt a fair share of British blood for it, too, if I recall.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: It was a different time, different place.
Lorcan Barnes: Different war. And what the hell do you think this is?


Ghosts [2.7][edit]

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: So you abducted him, coerced him into drinking alcohol, and then forced him into the trunk of a car.
Midshipman Danvers: Yes, sir.
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: At any point did you try to revive him?
Midshipman Danvers: Yes ma'am, we tried to get him on his feet and walking, but he had stopped breathing. Malcolm - Midshipman Holmes - even tried mouth-to-mouth resecitatation.
(Bud and Mac laugh)
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Can I see you outside a moment, Major? You too, Lieutenant.
(they leave the office)
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: You think this funny?
Lt. J.G. Bud Roberts: No, sir.
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: Come on, Harm, you've got to admit…
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Bill is dead, Mac! They killed him!
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: Harm, he's a goat. They gave mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to a goat!

Laura Delaney: Is it unreasonable to think that love should rank above some stoic warrior ethic?
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: He probably just wants to protect you, ma'am.
Laura Delaney: I don't want protection. I want to share things. He has no right to shut me out.
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: It's not his fault, ma'am it's what he's been trained to do. But the Admiral is smart, and smart people can be retrained.
Laura Delaney: Even the old ones?
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: (smiles) I have no opinion about that, ma'am.

P.O. Jason Tiner: (re: Osbourne) Sorry sir, he got past me. Should I call security?
Admiral A.J. Chegwidden: No. I might order them to shoot him.

Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: Yes, please.
FBI Analyst: Well, that's nice. No one around here says please or thank you.
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: Well, thank you's my favorite word.
FBI Analyst: Yes is mine.
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: That depends on the question
FBI Analyst: Dinner. At Indigo's on Wisconsin Saturday night. Yes?
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: Yes.

Admiral A.J. Chegwidden: Try out my chair, commander, my guess is it's going to be yours in a couple years. (Harm hesitates) Go ahead, Rabb, it's not gonna turn you into a growling old salt, you'd have to grow a couple stars for that.

Clayton Webb: It'll never stand up in court you know.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Doesn't have to. What would happen if "the company" heard this tape Clay?
Clayton Webb: They'd put a sweeper on him. Osbourne would disappear faster than a...than an Ethiopian chicken.

Full Engagement [2.8][edit]

Marine: Tell the lieutenant.
Seaman Angel Munoz: What?
Marine: When were you born?
Seaman Angel Munoz: August 17.
Marine: 1980. What does that make him, sir?
Lt. J.G. Bud Roberts: A Leo.
Marine: Sixteen, sir.

Seaman Angel Munoz: He's not answering. He's either not at home, in the shower, having sex, or dead. Or a combination.

Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: I can't out run them, Harm. You go.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Like that's really gonna happen.

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Come on, let's go.
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: I can't. I'm sorry. I can't.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: What do you mean you can't? You're a Marine! Come on, Mac, what happened to that gung-ho, Semper Fi, kick-ass jarhead I used to know? Don't let me down now, Mac, we've made it this far. Damn it. This is precisely why we shouldn't allow women in combat. 'Cause when it come to the clinch you know they're gonna fall apart. If you were a real Marine-
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: All right, already, shut up! You've made your point. (gets to her feet, struggles up the hill)

Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: What happened to Sarah?
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Nothing. She lives in Bellville, Pennsylvania.
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: You still love her?
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: I'm wild about her. She's my grandmother.

Washington Holiday [2.9][edit]

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Do I have a say in this, sir?
Admiral A.J. Chegwidden: Not if you're smart.

Princess Alexandra: Commander, you're a pleasant surprise.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: And how is that, your highness?
Princess Alexandra: Well, usually Minister Kepish arranges for someone much older and quite unattractive.

(after the Princess kisses Harm)
Minister Kepish: That really isn't a very good idea.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: I thought it was a damn good idea. Too bad I didn't think of it.

Ens. Harriet Sims: You can't ask me out on purpose, but you can ask her out by accident?
Lt. J.G. Bud Roberts: You were mad at me and she laughed at one of my jokes. At least, I think it was a joke.
Ens. Harriet Sims: You know what worries me, Bud? (he shakes his head) I'm starting to understand what you're saying.
Lt. J.G. Bud Roberts: Oh, Harriet, I'm really, really glad you're here in Washington. When I saw you at JAG, it was like eating Mexican food. You know, how your heart gets all tingly and you can't catch your breath because your whole body feels like its on fire?
Ens. Harriet Sims: I've been waiting for you say that. Dance?
Lt. J.G. Bud Roberts: No. (she looks disappointed) But I'd sure like to try.

Lt. J.G. Bud Roberts: And then we went to an all-night diner and ate cheeseburgers and onion rings.
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: My kind of place. And then you took her home.
Lt. J.G. Bud Roberts: Yes ma'am.
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: And?
Lt. J.G. Bud Roberts: Red light, major!

Harm: When awkwardness goes to $40 a barrel, I want the drilling rights to Bud's head.
Mac: Aw, Harm, it just takes him a little while to get warmed up.
Harm: Warmed up? Love isn't baseball, Mac.
Mac: How would you know?

The Game of Go [2.10][edit]

Special Agent Clayton Webb: Admiral Chegwidden thinks I'm a pain-in-the-ass bureaucrat who should never have involved the Marines in the first place. And he was right.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Taking the blame, Webb? How unlike you.
Special Agent Clayton Webb: If I hadn't involved the Marines, my ass would not be hanging over a very deep chasm right now, no offense, Major.
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: None taken. I hang asses frequently in my profession.

Ambassador Witherspoon: I flew with the CAG. I understand you earned that Distinguished Flying Cross saving his six.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: I was saving my own six, sir, the CAG just happened to be in the same aircraft.

Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: What they say about dress whites and gold wings?
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Yeah?
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: Very overrated.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: We'll see.

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: A little late, aren't you?
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: 30, 35 seconds. Sorry about that.

Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: He's only got 46 minutes.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: How do you do that?
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: It's a Marine thing.


Force Recon [2.11][edit]

Lt. J.G. Bud Roberts: Major, the file you're looking for is…
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: I know where it is, Bud.
Lt. J.G. Bud Roberts: Yes ma'am, but its already..
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: It's 0939 and the flight doesn't leave until 1100, we have plenty of time, so relax! You're so nervous.
Lt. J.G. Bud Roberts: Yes ma'am. I'm just trying to point out to you that file you're looking for is...
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: There it is! For heaven sakes' Bud, it was right in front of you.
Lt. J.G. Bud Roberts: Yes, ma'am. How about that.

Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: You'd follow Captain Koonan to hell.
Sergeant Tesla: And back, ma'am. He'd get us back.

(After a fight with a group of Army Rangers)
Sergeant Tesla: I got to admire your restraint, Gunny. You held off decking that jerk for a good two, maybe three seconds.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Man, I don't remember it hurting this much.
Sergeant Tesla: Don't tell me you're out of practice, Gunny?
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: You know, it's getting harder and harder to find a good bar fight.

Captain Koonan: There is only one thing I want to know.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Sir?
Captain Koonan: How did the men perform?
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Outstanding, sir.
Captain Koonan: How can that be, Gunnery Sergent Post? My men ended up in the brig. Did you see any rangers in the brig, First Sergeant Creed?
First Sergeant Creed: Not one Ranger, sir.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Rangers are in sickbay, sir.
Captain Koonan: I see. How do you feel about that, First Sergeant?
First Sergeant Creed: I'm appalled by their conduct, sir.
Captain Koonan: The First Sergeant and I are appalled, Gunny.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Yes sir I thought you would be sir.

Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: It is the custom to salute an officer.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: (salutes) Yes ma'am. You are loving this new relationship.
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: Not as much as you're loving your new infantry career.

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: How do you train men for war, Mac?
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: You can't have a war if your Marines are dead before the damn thing starts.

The Guardian [2.12][edit]

CPO Paul Bauwer: Sometimes it's better just to put an old guard dog down. He's more trouble than he's worth once he's outlived his usefulness.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: You can always find some way to be useful, Chief.
CPO Paul Bauwer: And what am I supposed to do, sir? If I don't want to be a mercenary, what am I supposed to do? I can kill a man 18 different ways with my bare hands. I can break down 43 different assault rifles. I can jump out of a chopper going 30 knots 30 feet into a freezing ocean and swim all night to a submarine. But what am I supposed to do now?

(on a note pinned to Chief Bauwer's uniform)
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: "I hope I got the ribbons right."

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Bud, if you were a girl I'd kiss you.
Lt. J.G. Bud Roberts: (laughs) Red light, Commander. Does this mean I get my Game Boy back?

Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: Nardoni argued his way to a weaker position. The jury knowing only helps us.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Funny how that happens.
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: Are you saying you planned it?
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: What do you think? I think I like the big leagues.

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: How do we as a society treat the warriors we create? By locking up them for protecting their children the same way they protected us? The prosecution would say yes. I say Chief Bauwer is a hero, a guardian angel, whose love for his son kept him always there, in the shadows. He came through for his son, just like in ways we'll never know, he came through for all of us.

Code Blue [2.13][edit]

Doctor Jenna: I'd like you to stay overnight for observation.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: In the hospital?
Doctor Jenna: Well, I think it's a little early in our relationship for you to stay at my place.

Temir: I fear no man.
CPO Walter Hume: Well, I guess that makes you stupid as well as annoying. I sure as Sam Hill wouldn't like a Navy SEAL hunting me down like a mad dog.
Temir: He's a Navy SEAL?
CPO Walter Hume: Yeah. A real killer. He'll sneak up on you and snap your skinny chicken neck like that! I know, I taught that boy everything.
Temir: And you are?
CPO Walter Hume: Admiral Walter Hume, United States Navy Covert Operations!

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: He want's to know how many centimeters you're dilated.
Pregnant Woman: It feels as big as the Grand Canyon! Oh come on, I've got nothing you haven't seen before!
(Harm examines her)
Pregnant Woman: Well?
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Well, I can honestly say, I have never seen that before. She’s about 5 centimetres.
Pregnant Woman: Five?!
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Maybe six?
Pregnant Woman: Look again, buster, and don’t you come back up until I’m hearing double digits!

Zaki: We are not murderers! We are fighting for the freedom of our people.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: By killing old men and young women?
Zaki: Do you know how many old men and young women and even babies we have lost?
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Too many. It doesn't justify killing more.

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: What happened?
Doctor Jenna: A little language problem. How do you say 'stay where you are or I'll pistol whip you' in Farsi?
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: (speaks Farsi)
Doctor Jenna: It sounded just like that.

Cowboys and Cossacks [2.14][edit]

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: The navy doesn't reprimand its skippers for asserting American naval superiority. It basically comes down to who has the biggest…
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: Ship?
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Something like that, yeah.

(after meeting Mac)
Lieutenant Matovic : She's a Marine?
Commander Zoltan Petavich: God bless America.

Lt. J.G. Bud Roberts: Can we be charged with mutiny on a foreign vessel, Commander?
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: No. This would be considered an act of terrorism.

Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: How long have you been standing there?
Commander Zoltan Petavich: Long enough.
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: Long enough for what?
Commander Zoltan Petavich: Long enough for me to realize that you are unlike any woman I have ever met. Yet not quite long enough for me to fall in love with you.
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: Does that line work on Russian women?
Commander Zoltan Petavich: Not very often. But I have had limited success with it in the lower Balkans.

Captain Grinkov: Tell Captain McNamara that I will miss our games. We were never good friends, but we were the best of enemies.


Rendezvous [2.15][edit]

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Oh, my goodness. The Admiral sent Sarah MacKenzie.
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: You nervous already?
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: And why would I be nervous?
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: Well, you know, I have beaten you before.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: That doesn't count. I dropped that case.
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: Yeah, you keep dreaming, flyboy.

Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: Payday was the worst. He'd go to the NCO Club with his buddies and most of the time they'd have to drive him because he was too drunk to drive himself.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Mac, you don't have to…
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: Yes, I do. My mother would help him in, and he'd flop on the couch and yell for me to take off his shoes. He reeked of cigarette and stale beer, and sometimes something worse. Then the yelling would start. And then the slapping. And then the sobbing. His. I don't know which was worse, his hitting or his sobbing that he was sorry. She left him. And me with him.

Lt. J.G. Bud Roberts: Defending Western civilization makes people horny.

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: She did good today.
Lt. J.G. Bud Roberts: Oh, Major MacKensize? Yes sir! She was great, sensational, terrific! She really did a a good job.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: I said good, Bud, not the Second Coming.
Lt. J.G. Bud Roberts: Oh, yes sir.
(fax machine beeps)
Lt. J.G. Bud Roberts: Uh, I think that might be for me, sir! Yes! Lieutenant J.G. Roberts, that's my name!
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Yes, that's you, Bud. Are you OK, Bud?

Ens. Harriet Sims: Could I ask you a question, sir?
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Sure, fire away.
Ens. Harriet Sims: Lieutenant Roberts…Bud…um…(loudly) Why are men such jerks!?
(both look surprised)
Ens. Harriet Sims: I am so sorry sir! That just popped right out of my…I'm so! That is not like me, sir! That will not happen again, I'm so sorry! (she starts to leave)
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: It's okay, Harriet! You want to talk about it?

Season 3[edit]

Ghost Ship [3.01][edit]

Lt. Roberts: Yours is not to reason why, yours is but...to do research.

Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: Harm, Bud’s been at it nonstop for 32 hours and 24 minutes.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: How do you do that?
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: My mother’s Swiss.

Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: I wouldn't have bet anyone can confine you to a hospital bed for two days.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: I slept the first day. After that the nurse threatened to tie me down if I so much as stuck my nose out the door.
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: Ooh, kinky.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Yellow light, Major.
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: Oh, c'mon, Harm. Haven't we reached the point where we can drop the traffic signals?
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Absolutely. I ever tell you why a female Marine is like the energizer bunny?
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: On second thought, let's not.

The Court-Martial Of Sandra Gilbert [3.02][edit]

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: You willing to let all this come out at trial?
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: What, that your client is a liar and an adulterer?
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: That my client is a victim of selective prosecution. I checked the records, Mac. There were four other male officers at Camp Pendleton guilty of the same infraction as Lt. Gilbert. None of those cases went to court. One officer was transferred to another command, two received reprimands, and the fourth left the service with an honorable discharge. There's a different set of rules for Lt. Gilbert because she is a woman.
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: Well, how many of them were given a direct order to stop the affair?
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: None! That's my point. C'mon, Mac, give her a break.
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: Harm, I may want to give her a break, but that is not my job. (mimicking Harm's statement from earlier:) 'Lt. Gilbert deserves a full and fair hearing just like everyone else, no matter how the chips fall, no special pleading, and no playing the gender card.'
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: You remember everything I say?
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: Only the good stuff.

The Good of the Service [3.03][edit]

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: So, you wanna tell me about Col. Farrow?
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: He was CO of Headquarters in Okinawa. I was his admin officer. How'd you know?
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Your mouth does a funny little upturn thing when you're hiding something. So what's he like?
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: Excellent leader, honorable man. Overall, an outstanding officer.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: What else?
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: What, what else?
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Your mouth's doing that funny thing again.
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: Col. Farrow is the reason I’m a lawyer. The corps put me through law school based on his recommendation.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: That's it?
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: What are you looking for?
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Nothing. I just wanna make sure we're entering this inquiry with an open mind.
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: My mind's open. (walks into her office, closes the door, but opens it again sticking her head out) But if the politicians want a scapegoat, I'll be damned if I give them Col. Farrow.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Just as long as you have an open mind.

Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: You could've told me.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: There was no time.
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: You've been running this case without me from the get-go.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: I know you're emotionally involved.
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: When have emotions ever stopped me from doing my job?
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Well, they certainly didn't stop you today. Nice save on that sidebar.
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: Thank you.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Maybe I didn't give you benefit of the doubt.
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: No, you didn't.
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Well, I know one thing. I'd rather have you on my team than oppose me.
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: Is that an apology?
Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb: Consider it more an acknowledgment.
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: Acknowledgment accepted.

Admiral A.J. Chegwidden: First year law student mistake. Never ask a witness a question you don't know the answer to.
Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie: He knew, Sir. He knew.

Blind Side [3.04][edit]

Harm: He told me he wouldn't say anything unless I was screwing up, right? Ten minutes into the flight I haven't heard anything. I figure I'm acing it, right? Suddenly he clobbers me on the back of the helmet with his flight stick. He'd unscrewed it, put a note through it that said: "Plug in your headset."

Harm: How you feeling, Major?
Mac: Lighter. I apologize for all the flying jokes I ever made.How many G's was that? Twelve million?
Harm: Seven G's.

Harm: Ted Lanier deserves to know the truth about the death of his family. I owe him that as a human being, as a representative of my country, and as a man who hopes to one day have a wife and child of his own.

King of the Fleas [3.05][edit]

Mac: Bud, did you get the lab report on the Jelke court martial?
Bud: Yes, ma’am. It’s on your desk.
Mac: Oh, bad idea, Bud.
Bud: Why, ma’am?
Mac: Don’t put things on my desk. I’ll never find them.
Bud: Where should I put them?
Mac: Not on my desk!

Harm: There was a prisoner-of-war camp there in '70.
Willie: Now, how would you know that, commander? You'd be barely old enough to tie your shoes.
Harm: My father's MIA. I've been looking for him since I was old enough to tie my shoes.

Harm: (about his Dad) He was a strong man. Once on a fishing trip, he accidentally fell on a scaling knife. We were miles from any hospital. I watched him sew the wound up with a bass hook. He didn't wanna frighten me, so he told me shaggy dog stories while he was doing it.

Willie: You and your father must have had some relationship.
Harm: I didn't know him that long.
Willie: Well, he sure had a major influence on you.
Harm: Most parents influence their children. Your father, I take it, was a liar.
Willie: I grew up in foster homes.
Harm: Well, that would give you a reason to resent those who came from stable ones.

Harm: You didn't murder those men, Roscoe. You need to let go of it.
Willie: I'll tell you what, commander,you stop looking for your father and I'll let go of it. You see, we're the same, both obsessed in different ways. You keep searching for a place that I can never leave. It's supposed to be about starting over, beginning a new circle. Can you do that?
Harm: You have your closure, Roscoe. I need to find mine.

Vanished [3.06][edit]

Harm: (speaking to Bud while he is eating a doughnut) Doughnut
Bud: Power Nut
Harm: Excuse Me?
Bud: No, not you sir the doughnut

Bud: The earliest recorded disappearance of a United States vessel inside the Bermuda Triangle goes way back to March, 1918. The USS Cyclops vanished without a trace.
Harm: Same thing's been known to happen to superstitious lieutenants.

Harm: He may still be out there somewhere, Mac.
Mac: Commander Douglas or your father?
Harm: Commander Douglas. You think I'm obsessing about my dad since I found that list, don't you?
Mac: No. You were obsessing before you found the list. And you have every right, Harm. Learning the North Vietnamese sent him to Russia only intensified it. I just hope you realize that if we find Commander Douglas, it isn't gonna give you closure with your father.
Harm: Only finding my dad will do that.
Mac: Well, you're not alone, Harm. In one way or another, we're all searching for something.
Harm.: Oh yeah? What are you searching for?
Mac: What every woman wants. A great career, a good man, and comfortable shoes, lots and lots of them.
Harm: Is that where Dalton Lowne comes in?
Mac: Are you kidding? His shoes are way too big. I mean, have you see the size of that man's feet?
Harm: I just hope you're not gonna do something stupid, Mac.
Mac: Why, Harm, are you afraid you're gonna lose me?
Harm: I just...hate having to break in new partners, you know?
Mac: You know, for a second there, I thought we were gonna have a Hallmark moment.
Harm: You know when the Admiral first told me he was partnering me with a Marine major I had these visions of a tattooed, jarhead, challenging me to arm wrestle at lunch.
Mac: Well, I do have a tattoo, I'm a pretty good arm wrestler, and although I don't like the term, I am technically a jarhead.
Harm.: Whoa, whoa, whoa, you have a tattoo? How come I've never seen it? And where would one find this tattoo?
Mac: [back pedaling fast] I'm afraid that's classified information, my dear.
Harm.: Oh yeah? You have tattoos!

Bud: Even when they tell you something, they reserve the right to change their mind at any time. It's that woman's prerogative thing. I mean, what's up with that?
Harm: I hate that. God, I hate that.
Bud: Yeah, it's like, I asked Major MacKenzie if she was gonna be leaving JAG, you know, because I've seen the way she looks at Dalton Lowne. And she said no. But she could change her mind at the drop of a hat.
Harm: She's not going anywhere, Bud.
Bud: You know, I'm sure Lieutenant Pike and Lieutenant Austin told you the exact same thing before they transferred. I mean, let's face it, commander, you've had lousy luck with women. Partners. The female JAG officers you've been with, in the workplace, sir.

Harm: Never underestimate the integrity of a Naval aviator.

Above and Beyond [3.08][edit]

Seal Motto: The only easy day was yesterday.

Mac: Do you want this medal, Rivers?
Rivers: It's just a trinket.
Mac: You know, General Patton once said he would sell his soul for the Medal of Honor.
Rivers: General Patton wasn't a SEAL. We don't do what we do for the ribbons, ma'am. Men die for their buddies. Others die for their country. And some die for no reason at all. But no one, no one I know, ever died for a medal.

Harm: Well, I would venture a guess, lieutenant, that you have never been married.
Rivers: If the Navy wanted me to have a wife, they would have issued me one with my dog tags and my seabag.

Harm: You know, I would have... I would have thought you were a cigar man.
Rivers: I would be if they didn't taste like goat patties.
Harm: I like them. Goat patties.

Impact [3.09][edit]

Barrett: You have a reputation of being quite the pit bull when you want something.
Harm: Well, I like to think of myself...
Barrett: I like pit bulls, commander. What I don't like is a bunch of Washington pencil-necks coming into my backyard and dumping into my sandbox.

Mac: Do you know what the admiral has me doing? Freedom of Information Act request, student loan recovery, delinquent car loans. And Admiral Drake's wife wants clearance to hold a bingo game at Bethesda.
Harm: A fundraiser?
Mac: Yep. Why am I doing this? Do you have any idea why Admiral Chegwidden is so mad at me?
Harm: The same reason we all are, Mac.

Adm. Elgin: You want to cross swords with me, Chegwidden? Cause if we get into this, you might just find yourself fighting to keep the bars on your sleeve.
Adm. Chegwidden: Well, I never meet a Seal yet who didn't like a good bar fight, sir.

Harm: I may not like it, but I'm happy for you. And, hell, it's not like you're going to Afghanistan. I mean, you're taking a job in Washington, right? We'll probably be fighting each other in court again next week.
Mac: I'd like that.
Harm: That's because you're a masochist. Hey, don't start crying. If people see the Marines crying, give the Corps a bad name.
Mac: Permission to hug the commander?
Harm: Sure. Permission granted.
Mac: I'm gonna miss you, Harm.
Harm: I'm gonna miss you too, Sarah. Your ride's here. Nice car.
Mac: Yeah, but it's no Tomcat.

Harriet: Did you ever try to make love to a man wearing armour, Major?
Mac: Does football equipment count?
Harriet: That was a rhetorical question, I didn’t mean...
Mac: I’m kidding, Harriet.

People v. Rabb [3.10][edit]

Harm's lawyer: Do you think Harm is capable of murder?
Mac: Under the right circumstances, we're all capable of murder.

Bud: What do you want me to do, sir?
Harm: Go home. Forget you saw me.
Bud: No, seriously, what can I do to help?
Harm: I'm being serious, Bud. If Admiral Chegwidden found out you were here, you'd be shoveling snow in Yakutsk for three years. Go on.
Bud: (forcefully) Wait, wait. Don't do this.
Harm: What?
Bud: Well, a guy believes in you, trusts you and offers you help, and you just diss him? You can't do that.
Harm: Take it easy, Bud.
Bud: (angrily) I'm your friend. Right now you can use all the friends that you can get. So don't tell me to "Take it easy, Bud,"... sir.
Harm: Bud, it's because you're my friend that I don't want you to be involved in this.
Bud: Sir, I've already aided and abetted. I don't know how much more involved I can get.

Harm: Webb, I don't know whether to thank you or ram your teeth down your throat.

Mac: My request for resignation?
Adm. Chegwidden: Got too busy to process it.
Mac: Thank you, sir. It's good to be back.
Adm. Chegwidden: That remains to be seen, major.

Defenseless [3.11][edit]

Harm: (referring to the Ensign) I'm going to have a psychological evaluation done.
Mac: Since when does a woman have to be crazy to shoot a man?

Mac: (explaining why "women's intuition" is a valid defense) Sir, when we leave this building tonight we'll do it in very different ways. You'll get in your car and drive off.I'll walk out and pay attention to shadows and dark corners. The keys will be in my hand for quick access to my car, and in case I need them for a weapon. I don't give it a second thought because it's standard operating procedure every time I leave every building. Women's intuition isn't a joke, it's a matter of survival!
And if it weren't for her instincts, Ensign Lane would be the one who's dead.

Mac: (after the Admiral ignores her again) You know, this sucks!
Bud: Ma'am?
Mac: I feel like I'm fifteen years old again, getting grounded for stealing cars and drinking! If that's the sort of thing one might get grounded for as a teenager.

Bud: Hey, the movie’s just about to start.
Harriet: Okay.
(They settle on the bed, and Bud puts the movie on. Their faces go from happy, to shocked and squeamish.)
Harriet: That’s not Free Willy.
Bud: Yeah. It’s 10 o’clock. (Reaches for the movie guide. Hands it to Harriet without looking.) Free Willy.
Harriet: (Reading the guide.) No, Bud, that’s Free the Willy.
Bud: Huh?

Someone to Watch Over Annie [3.12][edit]

Harm: Admiral, upon further reflection, I wonder if I might talk to you about what’s going on between you and Major MacKenzie.
AJ Chegwidden: Are you out of your mind?
Harm: Apparently.

Annie: (when Harm says he's not dating anyone) Well, I always thought you and Mac would...
Harm: Mac has a boyfriend.
Annie: Oh, so you're secretly in love with her.

Annie: So, what did you two find to talk about?
Josh: The admiral was a SEAL. He knows three ways to kill someone with his bare hands.
Annie: Well, that certainly sounds useful.

Webb: Rabb, why did I have to hear about this from the Baltimore Police? Why didn't you just come to me first?
Harm: Now, how would I know you had a hand in this, Webb?
Webb: I have a hand in everything.

Harm: Do you know what scares me? You know more about computers at your age than I ever will. You know, when I was 10, all I had was a newspaper route, a model airplane and an unbroken string of the X- Men starting at issue one.
Josh: You still got those?
Harm: No, when I went to Annapolis, my mom gave them to the kid next door.
Josh: Bummer.
Harm: Yeah, total bummer. I'd kill to have them back now. Did I ever tell you about my step-dad?
Josh: I bet you really hated him.
Harm: Well, it wasn't quite that bad, you know. But I never gave him a chance.
Josh: Because he wasn't your dad, right?
Harm: Yeah. He was a businessman.
Josh: Ultimate bummer.
Harm: Yeah, I thought so. But you know what, Josh? He deserved a chance. You saw me kissing your mom, didn't you?
Josh: I guess.
Harm: Are you okay with it?
Josh: You're okay. You're a pilot.
Harm: Here's what you need to understand, Josh. No matter what happens, your mom will always love you first, best and the most.

Adm. Chegwidden: You know, major, I think your talents may be wasted in administrative law.
Mac: I wholeheartedly agree, sir.
Adm. Chegwidden: Well, shall we start fresh?
Mac: I'd like that. You know, there's something I've always wanted to do.
Adm. Chegwidden: What's that? (she kisses him on the cheek) You're not gonna do that a lot, are you, major?
Mac: No, sir.

The Imposter [3.20][edit]

Mac: Wish us luck, sir.
AJ Chegwidden: Break somebody’s legs.

The Return of Jimmy Blackhorse [3.21][edit]

(Harm walks into the kitchen, where AJ and Mac are drinking coffee.)
Harm: Hey, I gave up cigars last night. (Mac and AJ stay silent.) Any words of encouragement?
AJ Chegwidden: Don’t get fat.

Bud: Excuse me, gentlemen, ma’am.
AJ Chegwidden: What is it lieutenant?
Bud: Is this a bad time, sir?
AJ Chegwidden: What?
Bud: We were hoping that you could settle a disagreement that we’re having. As you know, we’re having a full military wedding.
Harriet: And he wants me to wear my uniform instead of my dress.
AJ Chegwidden: Good God, Roberts. Let the woman wear a dress to her own wedding.
Bud: Yes, sir. And while we’re at it, might we get your position on the bunny hop, sir?
AJ Chegwidden: No.

Wedding Bell Blues [3.23][edit]

(Mac arrives at a jail to bail out Bud and Harm.)
Mac: How does the other guy look, Lieutenant?
Bud: (Getting to his feet.) Major!
Harm: (Getting up as well.) She doesn’t look as bad as he does.
Mac: She?
Bud: It’s a long story, ma’am.
Mac: Well, it better be a good one. And what’s your excuse?
Harm: Well, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you.
Mac: Bud, you’re getting married in a few hours.
Bud: I really appreciate you coming down here, Major. I owe you one.
Mac: One? You two owe me a million. Do you have any idea what the admiral’s gonna say when he hears about this?
AJ Chegwidden: (Walking to the front of the cell.) Oh, I think he’ll understand.

Season 4[edit]

Gypsy Eyes [4.1][edit]

Mac: Anything broken?
Harm: Just my ego. Never been shot down before.

Harm: Admiral.
AJ: You okay?
Harm: Yes, sir. Webb? What are you doing here?
AJ: Getting decked. (Turns and punches Webb.)

Mac: Look at the odds, Harm. We're in the middle of Russia with Parlovsky or Falcon trying to stop us. We don't have identification papers, you don't know the language, and you have no plan other than to get us to Beloyka. Is that sound mission planning?
Harm: Chickening out on me?
Mac: You know better than that. Answer my question. What is your plan other than to take a train to Beloyka? You're being driven by emotions and those emotions are gonna get us killed.
Harm: You can quit. I can't. My father is out there somewhere and I'm gonna find him.
Mac: Or die trying.
Harm: Or die trying. But you shouldn't. You've come with me farther than anyone I know. I'll never forget that, Mac.
Mac: Well, I guess I always knew it would come down to this. And that you'd need me to come up with a dispassionate plan.

Embassy [4.2][edit]

Mac: When's the party?
Adm. Chegwidden: 1900 tonight.
Mac: Tonight? But my dress uniform's at the cleaners, sir. I don't have a dress. I haven't done my hair.
Adm. Chegwidden: Your hair's fine, Major. And Webb's taken care of the dress.
Mac: You don't even know my size.
Webb: 36-24-36, 5 foot 8, plus 130 pounds.
Mac: 120, thank you very much!

Adm. Chegwidden: Commander, do not do anything to exacerbate the situation.
Harm: Don't worry, sir, you know me.
Adm. Chegwidden: Yes I do!

Secnav: What I approved was a simple piece of intelligence gathering. But your people have an uncanny knack for being where the trouble is.
Adm. Chegwidden: I prefer to think of them as where they're most needed.

Webb: You're jumping to conclusions Admiral.
Adm. Chegwidden: I'm going to be jumping to more than that if you don't get my people out of there now!
Webb: Oh, what are you gonna do? Break my nose again?!

Harm: Webb, next time you're thinking about asking us for help, don't.

Going After Francesca [4.4][edit]

Adm. Chegwidden: (in signing out weapons) Humor me, Chief ... just every once in a while I like to blow the hell out of something.
Gunnery Chief: I know what you mean, sir. That's a hell of a lot of firepower for a lawyer, commander.
Adm. Chegwidden: Obviously you've never seen him in the courtroom.

Adm. Chegwidden: You don't have to do this.
Harm: The hell I don't, sir.
Adm. Chegwidden: Well, by my last count, we're about to violate at least seven separate provisions of the status-of-forces agreement with Italy. Hell, you'd better call me A.J.
Harm: All right, A.J. Let's do it.

The Martin Baker Fan Club [4.5][edit]

Mac: United States Navy v. Gentilli. Apparently, you and I prosecuted. Do you remember this?
Harm: I don't remember what I had for breakfast, Mac.
Bud: Pumpernickel bagel, sir.
Harm: Thanks for noticing, Bud.

Jaggle Bells [4.11][edit]

AJ: New year’s resolution, remember to kill Rabb.

Silent Service [4.16][edit]

AJ: Watertown is Los Angeles class. Are you familiar with them?
Harm: No, sir.
AJ: Be prepared to do a lot of slouching.
Harm: Understood, sir.
AJ: Good. Major, one caveat. You’ll be in tight quarters with 141 men. Prepare yourself.
Mac: Sir, might I suggest you give that warning to the crew of the Watertown?

(In their racks, Mac is below Harm’s.)
Mac: You’re squirming!
Harm: My knees are in my face, Mac! Give me a break.

Bud: You know, I’ve never been on a sub. What’s it like?
Harm: Well, you can experience it firsthand, Bud.
Bud: I can?
Harm: Yeah. When you go home tonight, throw out all your fresh fruit and vegetables, put lube oil in your humidifier, go to sleep on a shelf in your closet, and go to work before sunrise.

Shakedown [4.18][edit]

Tiner: The admiral became a sort of mentor to the lieutenant, and Lieutenant Sherkston’s sort of like the son the admiral never had.
Mac: (To Harm.) Oh, I guess that makes you the son he never wanted.
Harm: Ha. Very funny.

Harm: Dinner for a week says it’s Newman.
Mac: Buying or making?
Harm: Buying.
Mac: Then you’re on. (They shake hands.) Nothing personal, but, um, that last meat loaf you made was nasty.
Harm: Are you dogging Harm’s special meatless meat loaf?
Mac: Let’s put it this way. If you were to make the Harmon special on this ship, they’d have to unload it with the toxic waste.
Harm: Wow. That’s a little harsh, don’t you think? If you don’t like it, you could just say, “I don’t like your meat loaf, Harm.” You don’t have to be insulting. (Throws a screwed up serviette at her.)

Yeah, Baby [4.23][edit]

Chloe Madison: Harm and Mac, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

Lt. Cmdr. Rabb: You ok?
Maj. Mackenzie: Every time I think I've put the pieces of my life together, someone comes along and jumbles them back up. Humph. Everyone who has ever meant anything to me is leaving my life.
Harm: It will be okay, Mac. You'll get to see Chloe again. One day you'll have kids of your own.
Mac: Yeah, not at this rate. My biological clock is going off and I keep hitting the snooze button. Ha.
Harm: Tell you what. Five years from this moment, if neither of us is in a relationship, we’ll go halves on a kid.
Mac: You and me? Have a baby together?
Harm: Yeah. With your looks and my brains, he’ll be perfect.
Mac: And what if she has your looks and my brains?
Harm: That could work too. So what do you say? Deal?
Mac: Don’t make a promise you can’t keep.
Harm: I haven’t yet. (They shake hands.)

Season 5[edit]

Rules of Engagement [5.2][edit]

SecNav: Commander Rabb was there?
Adm. Chegwidden: Apparently he was close by. He was not involved in the action.
SecNav: Well, that'd be a first!

Harm: So how was your trip?(sees her rank) Lieutenant colonel? (salutes) Ma'am.
Mac: Well, this just happened. I was gonna tell you.
Harm: My heartiest congratulations, ma'am.
Mac: Thank you, commander. At ease. Can we get to work now? I could really use your help on this investigation. You know, the Russians are screaming bloody murder. The Pentagon doesn't know whether to go to war or dig a hole in the sand.
Harm: Well, I'm no longer with the JAG Corps, ma'am. I'm an aviator.
Mac: Oh, so you're not one of us, you're one of them.
Harm: I will, of course, obey any lawful orders that you give me, ma'am.
Mac: I will try to keep them all lawful, then.
Harm: Aye, aye, ma'am.

The Return [5.4][edit]

Brumby: If you lose, Harm, you'll always be known as the man who let the SECNAV's son go to prison.
Harm: Well, you'll be the guy who put him there, Brumby.

Mac: So, how does it feel? Being back?
Harm: Like I left yesterday, and I've been gone a hundred years.
Mac: Yeah, I know the feeling. Except, you know, when I came back, I was condemned to writing mindless motions for a month.

Front and Center [5.5][edit]

Rabb: [speaking to Mac] No man is interested in being friends with a woman who looks like you.

Contemptuous Words [5.9][edit]

Colonel: What exactly is your connection with Clark Palmer?
Harm: He's kidnapped me, sir. He's tried to kill me. He tried to trick me into shooting my former girlfriend. He's a sociopath who's made me his hobby, colonel.

Mishap [5.10][edit]

Harm: Admiral, about the complaint...
AJ: I’ll just file it here with all the others.

Capt. Ingles: You smoke, commander?
Harm: No, sir, I gave it up.
Capt. Ingles: What for? A woman?
Harm: I didn't like being addicted, captain.

Into the Breech [5.12][edit]

Mac: Do you remember what it was like, Harm? Trying to figure out who you are and where you fit in, or did that just come easy to you?
Harm: You know, sometimes I think I missed out on being a kid. Having a father that was MIA, I was always trying to be the man of the house, you know? I guess I should have been at a disco, or...
Mac: Yeah, I know what you mean. I’ve seen you dance.

Cabin Pressure [5.14][edit]

Adm. Chegwidden: Why do you keep sending me reminder memos?
Mac: Excuse me, sir?
Adm. Chegwidden: And why are they in large type?
Mac: Well, sir, you have, on occasion—
Adm. Chegwidden: -- Misplaced my reading glasses.
Mac: It's just in case, sir.
Adm. Chegwidden: You know, colonel, I've always respected your objectivity.
Mac: Thank you, sir.
Adm. Chegwidden: Am I slowing down?
Mac: Sir, as we age, our physical skills diminish.
Adm. Chegwidden: Wrong answer.
Mac: But our hearts grow stronger.
Adm. Chegwidden: New Age mumbo jumbo. Well, hell, that's what I tell myself anyway. I'm glad you agree. Thanks.
Mac: Don't mention it, sir.
Adm. Chegwidden: I won't. And incidentally, if you do, to anyone, I'll be on your 6 faster than a surface-to-air missile.
Mac: Understood, sir.

Boomerang, Part 1 [5.15][edit]

Mic Brumby: Sorry about the dirt, mate, I was in the outback. I’ll give her a wash up on the weekend.
Harm: Are we going on a safari, commander?
Mic: Down here we call it going bush. I do it on the weekends. Roobar on the front, snorkel for crossing streams. I got a radio...
Harm: To call for help when you get lost?
Mic: Care to give her a try, commander?
Harm: Yeah.
Mic: Oh, we drive on the left. Might be a bit much for you, especially after the long flight.
Harm: I slept most of the way. (He takes the keys, and opens the passenger side door.)
Mic: Wheel’s on the other side, mate.
Harm: I know that. I’m opening the door for you.
Mic: Better fasten your seatbelt, Bud. Driving on the left side takes a bit of getting used to.

Seaman: Begging your pardon, sir, but in Australia, we drive on the left hand side of the road.
Harm: Why didn’t you tell me?
(Mic rolls his eyes.)
Seaman: ID please.
(Mic shows him his ID.)
Seaman: Thank you, sir.
Mic: Thanks, leader.
(Harm drives through, still on the right.)
Mic: Left, Harm, left.

Mic: That’s my spot up ahead, between those two cars, mate. Better let me park it.
Bud: I think that would probably be a good idea, sir.
Harm: I’ll give it a try. (He proceeds to park the car perfectly. He gets out.) My stepfather had a cottage in the Bahamas, that’s where I learned to drive. (He throws to keys to Mic and walks away.)
Bud: Sir, don’t they drive on the left hand side of the road in the Bahamas?
Mic: Bloody hell.

Harm: Why didn’t somebody from his ship identify the body?
Mic: Harbour sharks had a feed on him.
Bud: There are sharks in the harbour?
Mic: It’s Australia, mate. There’s sharks in the bathtub.

The Witches of Gulfport [5.21][edit]

Mac: You’re worried or jealous?
Mic: I don’t get jealous.
Mac: Yeah, neither do I.
Mic: Oh, beauty. Then I can keep my mistress.
Mac: Can I keep mine?

Overdue and Presumed Lost [5.22][edit]

Harm: Sir, if there's any way I can aid in...
Adm. Chegwidden: As a matter of fact, there is. I've got an appointment with the Armed Services Committee about my annual budget proposal. You'll pinch hit for me. We need a 4.3 percent increase.
Harm: Admiral, I hardly distinguished myself the last time I entered into that arena, sir.
Adm. Chegwidden: Don't be modest, commander. You got the funds to repair the hole you shot in the courtroom ceiling.

"On the 100th anniversary of the United States Navy's first submarine, we dedicate this episode to the warriors, past and present, who have always run silent, run deep" -- Onscreen dedication.

Body Talk [5.24][edit]

(AJ is on the phone.)
Woman: Welcome to Arlington National Cemetery. We are open 365 days of the year. A menu of options follows. Press 1 to schedule an internment or inurnment. Press 2 for gravesite locations. Press 3... (AJ presses a button.) Press 1 to schedule an inurnment. Press 2 to schedule a ground burial. (AJ presses a button.) Interment processing. Please provide the following information. Speak slowly and clearly. What are the last four digits of your social security number?
AJ: 9852.
Woman: What is your height?
AJ: Six foot three inches.
Woman: How deep would you like your plot?
AJ: What?
Woman: When will you be expecting to need it?
AJ: Good God. (Hangs up the phone.)

Surface Warfare [5.25][edit]

Adm. Chegwidden: She wants a chance to talk to my friends. Are we friends here?
Harm: I’d like to think so, sir.
Adm. Chegwidden: I don’t think friends call each other ‘sir’.

Season 6[edit]

Flight Risk [6.4][edit]

Renee: The sooner you tell your mother, the better.
Harm: Renee, Mom’s in Europe. And look, I’m not even so sure I was gonna tell her. I mean, what am I gonna say? “Hey, Mom, Russia was great. I got to ride in a helicopter. Oh, by the way when dad was a POW there, he lived with a woman, they had a son. I met him. Real nice guy. So how was your trip?”

The Princess and the Petty Officer [6.6][edit]

(AJ’s been making coffee, and put lots of ground coffee into it. He hands a mug to Bud.)
AJ: So, how is it?
Bud: (With a grimace.) Wow. Great, sir. Really powerful.
AJ: Commander. (He hands Harm a mug.)
Harm: (Quietly.) Uh, robust.
AJ: We need a real coffee drinker.

Mic: I wrote People magazine, I called People magazine. They won’t issue a retraction.
Mac: They wouldn’t need to issue a retraction if you hadn’t talked to them in the first place.
Mic: I didn’t talk to them. I said I wouldn’t violate your privacy.
Mac: You said you wouldn’t violate your fiancée’s privacy.
Mic: Sarah, you’re wearing my ring. We’re practically living together.
(AJ, Harm and Bud walk up.)
Mac: Admiral. Commander. Lieutenant. (To Mic.) Goodbye. (Goes into her office and slams the door.)
AJ: She’s probably had enough coffee.
Mic: Yes, sir.

Baby, It's Cold Outside [6.11][edit]

Mac: Why are you being nice to me?
Harm: I’m always nice to you.

Admiral Chegwidden: In the meantime, just try to stay out of trouble.
Harm: I'll do my best, sir.
Admiral Chegwidden: That's what I'm afraid of.

Lifeline [6.22][edit]

Harm: (talking about Mic) Do you love him?
Mac: Do you love Renee?
Harm: I'm not marrying Renee
Mac: We should, we should go back in.
Harm: Hey, do you love him?
Mac: That's not a question you get to ask.

Harm: Why did you go to him so quickly?
Mac: You pushed me away. What was I supposed to do?
Harm: Wait.
Mac: For how long?
Harm: As long as it takes.

Mac: I want you to be happy for me.
Harm: I am happy for you.
Mac: Really? I'd hate to see you when you disapprove.
Harm: I don't disapprove, Mac. I'm just raising questions.
Mac: When did you become my caretaker?
Harm: You know, you save a person's life that makes you responsible for them.

Mic: If I should falter during the ceremony...
Bud: Just do what you did at your bachelor party.
Mic: What was that?
Bud: You ripped off your shirt and you started singing the Australian national anthem to the waitress.
Mic: Was it effective?
Bud: Yeah. We got a free plate of appetizers.

Season 7[edit]

Measure of Men [7.3][edit]

AJ: Tiner.
Tiner: Sir.
AJ: What do you know about teenage girls?
Tiner: They look good in shorts, sir.
AJ: Dismissed.

Dog Robber, part 1 [7.9][edit]

General: I was just writing the funeral oration for Lieutenant Li.
Boone: Well, I would consider it an honour if you would read it to us, general.
General: ‘Like an eagle he soared above the clouds, as light as a feather in the breeze, until his life was snuffed out like a candle in the wind.’ I think I will amend that last.
Harm: A little too much Elton John, huh, general?
General: Precisely.


Capital Crime [7.12][edit]

Sturgis: You’re right about Tiner’s coffee. It tastes like battery acid.
Mac: You should have tried it before he knew the pot required a filter.

Sturgis: I’m sure she’s got a good reason for being late.
Mac: Yeah, well, she’s been early every other time. It’s already 11:18.
Sturgis: How do you that, colonel?
Mac: Do what?
Sturgis: Know the precise time without looking at your watch.
Mac: Internal clock, I guess.
Sturgis: Then why wear a watch?
Mac: It usually saves me from having to answer, “How do you do that?”

(Discussing Harm and Mac)
Sturgis: There seems to be a certain tension with you two.
Mac: Some.
Sturgis: A lot.
Mac: Look y-you're missing the point, Sturgis.
Sturgis: Come on, Mac.
Mac: I've never slept with him.
Sturgis: Is that the problem?
Mac: There is no problem.
Sturgis: Then why don't you just get over it and move on?
(Mac gets up out of her chair and moves to the door and closes it)
Mac: It wouldn't work.
Sturgis: Why?
Mac: Because I'm in love with him. (a long pause) Did I say that? (Mac sighs. Another long pause while Mac moves to a chair beside Sturgis and sits down) You have to keep that to yourself.
Sturgis: Okay.
Mac: I mean it, Sturgis.
Sturgis: So do I.

Odd Man Out [7.14][edit]

Harm: Lieutenant Roberts, you know both the lieutenant colonel and myself. Which of us do you like better?
(Bud stares at him.)
Judge: I’ll take this one, commander. Lieutenant, do you have any particular relationship with one or the other of these people?
Bud: Well, the commander is the godfather to my son, sir. But on the other hand, the colonel is his godmother.
Judge: That’s even handed of you, lieutenant. But is there anything that would prejudice you against Commander Rabb or Colonel MacKenzie?
Bud: Commander Rabb did try to put my father in jail. But that is his job. And Colonel MacKenzie took me off a case where I was co-counsel. But I kind of deserved that. Also...
Judge: Lieutenant. Given your relationship with both attorneys, can you be objective?
Bud: Absolutely, sir.

Exculpatory Evidence [7.17][edit]

AJ: Since when did my office become a production of Hello Dolly.
Harm: (To Sturgis.) It’s about a matchmaker.
Sturgis: You think I live under a rock?

AJ: (To the whole JAG office.) If there’s any more interest in my personal life, I’ll have the guilty party skinned! And for the record, I like to eat alone!

First Casualty [7.19][edit]

Bud: Oversleeping. Soiled uniform. Attempted cursing? How is that even possible?
Jen: He got half the word out, sir.

Port Chicago [7.20][edit]

Mac: I need to ask you both a question. If you murder co-counsel in the courtroom, can you cop an insanity plea?
Harriet: Absolutely.
Harm: Yes.
Mac: Thought so.


Tribunal [7.21][edit]

Admiral Chegwidden: I didn't know you were on board.
Clayton Webb: I'm not.

Harm: I've prosecuted too many cases to remember, but this is the one time if the accused had got off...I'd have killed him myself.


In Country [7.23][edit]

(Harm and Mac have just survived a landmine incident)
Harm: Are you okay?
Mac: Yeah. Fine. You?
Harm: Yeah…thanks, Mac. That took guts.
Mac: You would have done the same for me.
Harm: Yeah, well the navy doesn't teach us tricks like that.
Mac: Neither does the Marine Corps. I saw it in a movie.
Harm: You saw it in a movie?
Mac: Yup. (She walks off.)
Harm: They don’t use real booby traps in movies.
Mac: Come on.
Harm: They make things up! Mac!

Harm: You know, if you want, I could call down to the front desk and ask them to send up a room divider.
Mac: I thought you’d want your own space.
Harm: How much more space do I need, Mac?
Mac: Well, fine. (She shuffles a little closer.)
Harm: You know, Mac, the temperature is gonna continue to drop, so if we don’t share body heat, we’re risking hypothermia.
Mac: You make it sound so inviting.
Harm: You want an invitation?
Mac: Yes.
Harm: Why don’t you come over here? It’s a little bit better than sleeping with scorpions.
Mac: All right.

Harriet: How about you and I forget that we’re lieutenants for five minutes? Just you and me.
Singer: And then what?
(Harriet walks into the office behind them. Singer follows. Harriet closes the blinds, and there is a loud thump. Harriet leaves the office clutching her hand.)
Tiner: Excuse me, lieutenant. Are you all right, ma’am?
Harriet: Perfect.

AJ: Lieutenant, what happened to your face?
Singer: I believe the proper response is I walked into a door.
AJ: Would you like to make a more formal response?
Singer: Yes, sir, I most definitely will respond, but not in any way that would require the admiral’s attention.
AJ: Carry on.

Enemy Below [7.24][edit]

Mac: Harm? You ever thought about how you want to go?
Harm: No. Look, this thing is fixed. Let’s pack up and get out of here, huh?
Mac: I want to die like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
Harm: Oh yeah? Well, which one am I gonna be then?
Mac: Butch, of course.
Harm: Well, that’s true he was the brains of the operation.
Mac: Yeah, but Sundance was the shooter that everyone was afraid of. That’s how I want to go in a blaze of glory against impossible odds.

Turner: With you permission Admirals, I’d like to volunteer for TAD aboard the Watertown.
Adm. Holt: Commander, as much as I respect your service as a submariner, Commander Flagler is perfectly capable.
Turner: And I don’t mean to imply that he isn’t, sir. Only that I am Alec Baldwin.
(Everyone turns to stare at him)
Holt: Excuse me?
Turner: The Hunt for Red October movie, sir. Captain Yerastov is Sean Connery and I am Alec Baldwin, sir. I need to be aboard that boat.

Officer: Stay with him chief.
Chief: Like a fly on vegemite, sir.
Sturgis: Vegemite?
Chief: Spent some time in Australia, sir. It’s this, uh, like, jam they got down there. Tastes like diesel fuel til you get used to it.

Season 8[edit]

Critical Condition [8.1][edit]

(Mac is in her quarters, packing.)
Mac: Who is it?
Harm: Harm.
Mac: Uh, just a second. (Quickly starts to get dressed.)
Harm: Come on, Mac, what are you doing? Open up.
Mac: Uh, packing.
Harm: Well open up, let me help.
Mac: I’m also dressing.
Harm: I could help with that, too.

[Bud is being airlifted out of Afghanistan after stepping on a land mine]
Sgt. Manning: Petty officer, you can't go with them!
Petty Officer Jennifer Coates: WATCH ME!

(Coates stomach growls)
Harm: When’s the last time you ate, Coates?
Coates: I’m fine, sir.
Harm: Why don’t you go down to the mess hall and grab something to eat?
Coates: Sir, really, I’m not hungry.
Harm: It’s not a suggestion, Petty Officer. It’s an order.
(She doesn’t move)
Harm: Are you not hearing me?
Coates: Yes, sir. With all due respect sir, I’m wondering why you can disobey an order over your concern for Lt. Roberts and I can’t, sir?
Mac: Why don’t we uh, eat in shifts, Coates? You go first and then you can relieve one of us. I’ll come for you if we hear anything.
Coates: Sounds like a plan ma’am.
(She leaves)
Harm: You know what ticks me off?
Mac: That she’s right?
Harm: That she ignored me and listened to you.
Mac: Marines have a command presence.
Harm: Just once I'd like for you not to have a comeback.
Mac: I don't have one for Bud dying.
Harm: You're not gonna need one.

Turner: I bet they toasted you in all three wardrooms after that stunt you pulled on Friday.
Mac: You were on a sub. How'd you know Harm flew that mission?
Turner: I heard a naval aviator got a cruise missile up his six and had to fly halfway to India to run it out of fuel. Only Superman, here, would be fool enough to pull a stunt like that.
Harm: Yeah well, I bet Alec Baldwin would have nailed that sub before it launched a missile.
Turner: Hey Harm--- we tried. That sub got a missile off just as we— Who told you about Alec Baldwin?
Harm: Lieutenant Singer told everyone at JAG you convinced the action group that you were Alec Baldwin.
Mac: Well, actually she said it was Sean Connery but Harriet knew who she meant.
Harm: Yeah. Harriet e-mailed Bud, that's how we found out about it. But I'm sure with Singer's mouth, half of DC knows by now that you think you're Alec Baldwin.
Mac: Or Sean Connery.
Turner: I will strangle that Lieutenant when we get back.


In Thin Air [8.5][edit]

Harm: Oh, I know that look. That’s not a good look. I’ve seen that look before.
Mac: Is it that obvious?
Harm: Never play strip poker.

Ready or Not [8.8][edit]

Mac: Hey. Tiner’s brew has reached yet another octane level. Want some?
Harm: I’m gonna go with the tea.
Mac: Yeah.

Friendly Fire [8.15][edit]

Commander Rabb: "That's quite a catch, that catch-22" (Lt. Col. Mackenzie is trying to have Harm removed as judge from a case)

Ice Queen [8.21][edit]

NCIS Special Agent Vivian Blackadder: Amad bin Atwa supplied money and explosives to Hasan Mohammed, who executed the attack on the Cole. They're an all-Jihad team that's been together for nine years. If bin Atwa gives up Hasan, I want in on the kill.
NCIS Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: We're not tasked with capturing Hasan Mohammed.
NCIS Special Agent Vivian Blackadder: Gibbs, my brother died on the Cole.
NCIS Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I know that.
NCIS Special Agent Vivian Blackadder: Then get me in on this!
NCIS Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You're not here to use NCIS as your personal instrument of revenge. You get your head around this murder case, or you pull your tailored suit out of mothballs and you march your butt right back to the J. Edgar Hoover building.

Dr. Donald "Ducky" Mallard: You sure you won't have dinner with me tonight, Viv?
NCIS Special Agent Vivian Blackadder: Oh, Ducky, you're disgusting!
Dr. Donald "Ducky" Mallard: The pursuit of sex is an affirmation of life, Vivian. That's why older men are so lascivious.
NCIS Special Agent Vivian Blackadder: I'm talking about your lack of respect for the dead.
Dr. Donald "Ducky" Mallard: I have the utmost respect for the dead.
NCIS Special Agent Vivian Blackadder: Well, that's obvious from the way you speak to them.
Dr. Donald "Ducky" Mallard: If you were dead, wouldn't it be nice if you were spoken to, rather than about?

Gibbs: A kid puts an arrow in a corpse. That’s a new one.
Tony: Just a variation. (Chuckles.) I remember we found this old guy, died watching TV. We found him sitting in the La-Z-Boy, stiff as a board, with a Bud in his hand.
Viv: Oh, please, not another Baltimore homicide story.
Tony: It looks like a natural death, but we gotta wait for the ME to confirm it, right? So it’s dinnertime, my partner and I are starving, so we tell the beat rookie to keep an eye on the stiff. Rookie’s never been alone with a body. Well, suddenly, the body goes out of rigor, slumps. The air trapped in the lungs is forced through the voice box and the corpse moans.
Viv: Stop it!
Tony: Rookie freaks, empties his service revolver into the body.
Gibbs: You know what I think, DiNozzo?
Tony: Don’t say it’s an urban myth man, ‘cause I was there.
Gibbs: I think you were the rookie.
Tony: That’s funny, Gibbs. Funny. Wrong, but funny.

Harm: I think we know the law, Gibbs. We’re lawyers.

Gibbs: Good job.
Tony: Thanks, Gibbs.
Gibbs: I was talking to Abby.

Meltdown [8.22][edit]


Harm: There are enough holes in this case to raise reasonable doubt.
Coleman: There is also enough evidence to tie you to the murder and a string of witnesses. Your colleagues will testify to angry words between you and Lieutenant Singer right up to the time of her death.
Harm: Well it could be worse, I guess.
Coleman: How?
Harm: I could not have an alibi
Coleman: You have an alibi?
Harm: No.

Gibbs: The kibbeh was bland, gouzi mushy and Gheimeh inedible...

Lawyers, Guns and Money [8.23][edit]

Meredith: I have three questions for you. Answer them yes or no.
AJ: Okay.
Meredith: Were you trying to propose to me at the restaurant?
AJ: Yes.
Meredith: And at your house?
AJ: Yes.
Meredith: Do you have a ring?
AJ: Yes.
Meredith: May I see it?
AJ: Yes. (Searching his pockets.) Yes.
Meredith: Say it any way you want.
AJ: Would you be interested in spending the rest of your life with a grumpy, sourpuss of an old man?
Meredith: Especially when you put it that way.

A Tangled Webb, Part 1 [8.24][edit]

PO Coates: My father was a minister...he kind of soured me on God.
Lt. Simms: Maybe you should give him another chance.
PO Coates: I'm not really interested in patching things up with my Dad.
Lt. Simms: That's not the 'Him' I was talking about.

Season 9[edit]

Shifting Sands[edit]

Commander Sturgis Turner: I consider myself a forgiving Christian, but I'm having problems with this one. (talking about Bud)
Harm: If it's any consolation, I forgive you for having a job that I still want.
Commander Sturgis Turner: (Harms' phone rings) Job offer?
Harm: CIA. Deputy director wants to see me.
Commander Sturgis Turner: What did you do?

Season 10[edit]

Automatic For The People [10.11][edit]

Commander Turner: [speaking to Lt. Cmdr. Bud Roberts] ... for a mild-mannered guy you sure do piss a lot of people off.

Fair Winds and Following Seas [10.22][edit]

General Cresswell: Old habits die hard.

Lt. Cmdr. Bud Roberts: Upon retiring, Admiral Chegwidden gave me his JAG coin. I thought this would be the perfect time to use it. This is the side with heads, this is the side with tails. The bride to be will call.
Lt. Col. Sarah Mackenzie: Tails.
Bud: I always wanted to do this at the Super Bowl. (Final line of the series)

Unidentified Episodes[edit]

Mac: Must be nice.
Sturgis: What's that?
Mac: To be above it all. 'I wouldn't do it but that doesn't mean it shouldn't be done.' Now that's cowardly.

Cast[edit]

External links[edit]

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