Jeeves and Wooster

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Jeeves and Wooster (1990-1993) was a British TV series adapted by Clive Exton from P. G. Wodehouse's Jeeves stories. It starred Hugh Laurie as the artless Bertie Wooster and Stephen Fry as his miraculously capable valet Jeeves.

Series 1[edit]

Episode 1.1: Jeeves Takes Over[edit]

[his first line]
Jeeves: I was sent by the agency, sir. I was given to understand that you required a valet.

Claude Wooster: Now, touching that lunch you very decently were going to offer to stand us...
Bertie Wooster: Can’t be done, I’m afraid. I’ve got to have lunch with our Aunt Agatha.
Eustace Wooster: Oh... not the nephew-crusher.

Aunt Agatha: Bertie.
Bertie Wooster: Aunt Agatha.
Aunt Agatha: It is young men like you who make people with the future of the race at heart despair.
Bertie Wooster: Oh. Right.

Bertie Wooster: Jeeves, I have to make one thing crystal clear.
Jeeves: Yes, sir?
Bertie Wooster: I am not one of those fellows who become absolute slaves to their valets.
Jeeves: [as if shocked] No, sir.
Bertie Wooster: Just as long as we understand each other.
Jeeves: Perfectly, sir.

Lady Glossop: Do you work, Mr. Wooster?
Bertie Wooster: What, work? As in honest toil, you mean? Hewing the wood and drawing the old wet stuff and so forth?
Lady Glossop: Quite.
Bertie Wooster: Well... I've known a few people who worked. Absolutely swear by it, some of them.

Bertie Wooster: You bally well are informed, Jeeves! Do you know everything?
Jeeves: [hesitates] I really don't know, sir.

Episode 1.2: Tuppy and the Terrier[edit]

Jeeves: Pardon me for asking, sir, but are you proposing to appear in public in those garments?
Bertie Wooster: Well, certainly, Jeeves. What -- a bit vivid, do you think?
Jeeves: Not necessarily, sir. I am told that Mr. Freddie "He's a Riot" Flowerdew often appears on the music-hall stage in comparable attire.

Bertie Wooster: I can be chilled steel, you know!

Bobbie Wickham: Mr. Blumenfield's a fearfully important Broadway producer. I've got to read Mummy's play to him after lunch. I can't read to him in a restaurant.
Bertie Wooster: Yes, but why does he want jam roly-poly and oysters?
Bobbie Wickham: Oh, he doesn't. That's for his son. Apparently Mr. Blumenfield always banks on his verdict. He says an eight-year-old child's intelligence is exactly equal to a Broadway audience's.

Bertie Wooster: [having just finished playing "Forty-Seven Ginger-Headed Sailors"] Really speaks to me, that song, you know, Jeeves.
Jeeves: I'm sorry to hear that, sir.

Bertie Wooster: Tell me, Jeeves, were you always like this, or did it come on suddenly?
Jeeves: Sir?
Bertie Wooster: The brain, the gray matter. Were you an outstandingly brilliant child?
Jeeves: My mother thought me intelligent, sir.
Bertie: Well, can't go by that. My mother thought me intelligent.

Tuppy: Guess what? I'm going to the opera tonight.
Bertie Wooster: Opera, Tuppy?
Tuppy: Cora's singing in the, um, Barber of Figaro.
Bertie Wooster: Is that the one about the pyramids?
Barmy: Sounds like it, by the name.
Tuppy: I've never been to the opera before. Would you like to come with me, Bertie?
Bertie Wooster: Ahh, well…. [They eventually see Le nozze di Figaro, a k a The Marriage of Figaro.]

Episode 1.3: The Purity of the Turf[edit]

Bertie Wooster: [about the song "Good Night, Vienna"] I mean, fancy writing a song about saying good night to a whole city. I mean, you may as well say, "Good Afternoon, Manchester" or "Fancy Bumping into You, Basingstoke."
Jeeves: Yes, sir.
Bertie Wooster: Or "I Didn't See You at the Club Last Night, Cleethorpes."

Rupert Steggles: I'm going inside. This fresh air is getting into my lungs.

Bertie Wooster: You look positively animated, Jeeves!
Jeeves: [straightening his jacket] I'm sorry, sir.

Jeeves: The boy is a flyer, sir.
Bertie Wooster: How do you know?
Jeeves: I happened to be pursuing him this morning with a view to fetching him a clip on the side of the head.
Bertie Wooster: Great Scott, Jeeves! You?
Jeeves: The lad is of an outspoken disposition, sir, and had made an opprobrious remark respecting my appearance.
Bertie Wooster: What did he say about your appearance?
Jeeves: [coldly] I do not recall, sir. But it was opprobrious.

Bertie Wooster: You know what Kipling said. The f. of the s. is much more d. than the m.

Episode 1.4: The Hunger Strike[edit]

Jeeves: [waking him up] Good morning, Mr. Wooster.
Bertie Wooster: What? What's the time?
Jeeves: Ten past nine, sir.
Bertie Wooster: Ten past nine? Is the building on fire?
Jeeves: Not that I've been informed, sir.

[about the white mess jacket]
Jeeves: I assumed it had got into your wardrobe by mistake, sir, or else that it has been placed there by your enemies.
Bertie Wooster: I'll have you know, Jeeves, that I bought this in Cannes!
Jeeves: And wore it, sir?
Bertie Wooster: Every night at the Casino. Beautiful women used to try and catch my eye!
Jeeves: Presumably they thought you were a waiter, sir.

Bertie Wooster: Aunt calling to aunt like mastodons bellowing across primeval swamps.

Bertie Wooster: Tuppy, old man!
Tuppy Glossop: It's no good saying "Tuppy, old man"!
Bertie Wooster: Well, I do say "Tuppy, old man"! One is shocked; one raises the eyebrows!

Bertie Wooster: Tut!
Aunt Dahlia: What did you say?
Bertie Wooster: I said "tut!"
Aunt Dahlia: Say it again and I'll biff you where you stand. I have enough to endure without being tutted at.
Bertie Wooster: Well, quite.
Aunt Dahlia: Any tutting that's required, I'll attend to myself.

Episode 1.5: Brinkley Manor[edit]

Bertie Wooster: Well I don't think I'm going too far, Jeeves, when I say that this just about takes the giddy biscuit!

Bertie Wooster: I was standing on Eden Rock in Antibes last month, and I girl I know slightly pointed to this fellow diving into the water and asked me if I didn't think his legs were about the silliest-looking pair of props ever issued to a human being. Well, I agreed that indeed they were, and for perhaps a couple of minutes I was extraordinarily witty and satirical about this bird's underpinnings. And guess what happened next.
Jeeves: I am agog to learn, sir.
Bertie Wooster: A cyclone is what happened next, Jeeves, emanating from this girl. She started on my own legs, saying that they weren't much to write home about, and then she moved on to dissect my manners, morals, intellect, general physique and method of eating asparagus. By the time she'd finished, the best that could be said about poor old Bertram was that so far as was known, he hadn't actually burnt down an orphanage.
Jeeves: Most illuminating story, sir.
Bertie Wooster: No, no, no, Jeeves, you haven't heard the payoff yet!
Jeeves: Oh, I'm so sorry, sir! The structure of your tale deceived me for a moment into thinking that it was over.
Bertie Wooster: No, no, the point is that she was actually engaged to this fellow with the legs. They'd had some minor disagreement the night before, but there they were the next night, dining together, their differences made up and the love-light once more in their eyes. And I expect much the same results with my cousin Angela.
Jeeves: I look forward to it with lively anticipation, sir.

Gussie Fink-Nottle: So, you've won the Scripture knowledge prize, have you, G.G. Simmons?
G.G. Simmons: Sir, yes, sir.
Gussie Fink-Nottle: Yes, you look just the sort of little tick who would.

Bertie Wooster: So! It appears that you've gone and got engaged to the Gussie.
Angela Travers: Quite right. We're in love.
Bertie Wooster: Oh, come now, Angela. Gussie's... Gussie's a splendid chap in many ways. If you've got a sick newt on your hands, Gussie's just the fellow to tell you what to do until the doctor comes. But honestly, old thing, you could fling bricks by the half-hour in England's most densely populated districts without hitting one girl willing to become Mrs. Fink-Nottle without a general anesthetic.
Angela Travers: Well, I thought it would be fun!
Bertie Wooster: Well, I'm surprised at you, young Angela. No wonder they say, "Oh, woman, woman!"
Angela Travers: Who do?
Bertie Wooster: ...Well, chaps, supposedly. But you know you're potty about Tuppy!
Angela Travers: For goodness's sake, Bertie, go away and boil your head!
Bertie Wooster: Well, now, Angela, if you'll permit me to observe...!
Angela Travers: No!
Bertie Wooster: Very well, then. I shall say no more. [gets up to leave, then pauses in the doorway] Just... tinkerty-tonk!

Jeeves: Gentlemen who are discarded by one young lady are apt to attach themselves without delay to another, sir. It is what is known as a gesture. My uncle George...
Bertie Wooster: Oh, never mind your uncle George, Jeeves.
Jeeves: No, sir.
Bertie Wooster: Save him for the long winter evenings, eh?
Jeeves: Just as you say, sir.

Series 2[edit]

Episode 2.1: Jeeves Saves the Cow Creamer[edit]

Aunt Dahlia: Your uncle Tom thinks it's the cat's nightwear.

Jeeves: Good morning, Mrs. Travers. Mr. Wooster asked me to say that he has gone to Switzerland.
Aunt Dahlia: Oh, piffle, Jeeves, get the blighter out of bed.
Jeeves: Very good, madam. (goes into Bertie's room) Mrs. Travers, sir.
Bertie Wooster: But Jeeves, I thought I told you-
Jeeves: I'm afraid she seemed disinclined to believe me, sir.

Bassett: I don't care how spiritual Harold Pinker is, Madeline. I'm Stephanie's guardian.
Madeline: You know he played cricket for Oxford?
Bassett: I don't care if he played tiddlywinks for the Sorbonne.

[a telegram comes while Bertie is in the bathtub]
Bertie Wooster: You'd better read it, Jeeves.
Jeeves: Very good, sir. [clears throat] "Come immediately. Serious rift Madeline and self. Unless you come earliest possible moment prepared lend every effort reconciliation wedding will be broken off. Reply. Gussie," sir.
Bertie Wooster: Ah, well, these are deep waters, Jeeves! There's only one thing we can say with any certainty, and that is that Gussie has made an ass of himself again.
Jeeves: There is that possibility, sir.
Bertie Wooster: Have you got your telegraph pad handy?
Jeeves: Yes, sir.
Bertie Wooster: Well, send this. "Fink-Nottle, Totleigh Towers, Totleigh-in-the-Wold, Gloucestershire. Yes that's all very well. You say come here immediately but how dickens can I? Relations between Pop Bassett and self not such as to make him welcome Bertram. Would hurl out on ear and set dogs on. What serious rift? Why serious rift? Why dickens? What have you been doing to the girl? Reply. Bertie." [squeezes rubber duck]

Bertie dictates a telegram to a post office employee
Bertie: To Aunt Dahlia. Erm ... I say -- look here, this is absolutely impossible. Er ... not to say, out of the question. Spode has already threatened yours truly. Uh ... sorry, and all that ... oh -- about the cow creamer, I mean. Anyway, there it is. Toodle-pip, your affectionate nephew, Bertie.
Post office employee: Is it a code?

Stiffy's dog attacks a policeman, who falls off his bike into a pond
Stiffy: What on earth did you do that for? You might've scared him out of his wits, hurling yourself about like that. (addressing the dog) Poor old Bartholomew!
Policeman Oates: We must caution you, Miss Stephanie!
Stiffy: (talking to dog) Did the ugly man nearly squash him flat?
Oates: I was proceeding along a public highway when the dog leaped at me in a violent manner. I was hurled from my bicycle --
Stiffy: Well you shouldn't ride a bicycle. Batholomew hates bicycles.
Oates: I ride a bicycle, miss, because if I didn't, I would have to cover my beat on foot!
Stiffy: Do you good! Get some of the fat off you.
Bertie, in the background, hits his face with his palm
Oates: I will have to summons you once more, miss, for being in possession of a savage dog whilst not under proper control.
Stiffy: Don't be an ass, Oates. You can't expect a dog to pass up a policeman on a bicycle! It isn't human nature.

Bertie: Stinker! Good heavens!
They shake hands cordially
Stinker: Bertie! Well well well!
Bertie: I always wondered what became of you!
Stinker: I was wondering only the other day what had happened to you. Good heavens!
Bertie: Well well well.
Stinker: Extraordinary thing!
Bertie: And here you are!
Stinker: Well well well!
Bertie: Absolutely amazing. Good heavens.
Stiffy: Er -- is that the end?

Stiffy Byng: Bertie, I think you're a pig!
Bertie Wooster: A pig, maybe. But a shrewd, level-headed pig. A pig who was not born yesterday and has seen a thing or two.

Bertie: One has tried, one has failed! One can do no more.
Dahlia: Don't you try that "dying duck in a thunderstorm" stuff on me, young Bertie. You will get that cow creamer.
Bertie: No -- no, you don't understand, Aunt Dahlia. I have tried! I've been threatened with a shotgun and Roderick Spode says that if I try again, he will beat me into a jelly.
Dahlia: Yes? Go on.
Bertie: What do you mean "yes go on"!? You wouldn't want your favourite nephew to be beaten into a jelly, now would you?
Dahlia: Might be an improvement.

[at the Ganymede Club for gentlemen's gentlemen]
Valet #1: Of course, you can't get proper gentlemen nowadays.
[the others murmur in agreement]
Valet #2: They're not what they were, certainly. The one I've got at the moment insists on calling me by my first name!
Valet #1: Well, one tries to be tactful, of course. But one is simply swimming against the tide. I blame their parents. How's yours now, Jeeves?
Jeeves: Oh, really quite promising. I always suspected I could make something of him, and such is proving to be the case.
Valet at the head of the table: But you want to see the book, don't you?
Jeeves: I'm not considering another gentleman. This is quite another matter.
Valet at the head of the table: The book for Mr. Jeeves, if you please.
Valet #3: Well, I must say mine is coming along very nicely, very nicely indeed. You remember I had to be quite severe with him about wearing a soft hat before Goodwood? [the others smile and shake their heads] Good as gold now, good as gold.
Jeeves: [taking the book] Ah, thank you.
Valet #1: I'm really quite concerned about this first-name business!
Valet at the head of the table: I think they pick it up from the cinema.
Valet #1: Why don't you try not answering when he calls you by the wrong name?
Valet #2: Oh, I don't think I could carry that off. One doesn't like to hurt their feelings, does one?

Spode: Why wasn't Fink-Nottle at dinner?
Bertie: Perhaps he wasn't hungry.
Spode: I'm looking for him.
Bertie: Oh. Right. Well uh ... any message if he should turn up?
Spode: Tell him I'm going to break his neck.
Bertie: Break his neck. Right. And if he should ask why?
Spode: He knows why! Because he's a butterfly who toys with women's hearts, and throws them aside like soiled gloves.
Bertie: Do butterflies do that?
Spode: Are you trying to be funny?
Bertie: No no, no.
Spode: Good.

Bertie: Spode qua menace ... if qua is the word I'm after ... is a thing of the past.

Bertie: I would like to know why the devil you keep coming into my private apartment and then taking up space which I require for other purposes.

Episode 2.2: A Plan for Gussie[edit]

Roderick Spode: [his electoral platform] At birth, every citizen, as of right, will be issued with a British bicycle and an honest British-made umbrella. Thus assured of a mobile workforce adequately protected against the elements, this great country can go forward once more to glory!
Crowd: Hurray!
Barmy: I say. That's a jolly good idea.
Roderick Spode: Nothing stands between us and our victory except defeat! Tomorrow is a new day! The future lies ahead!
Barmy: D'you know, I never thought of that.

Roderick Spode: Ah, Jeeves! You're just the sort of person we need in the movement- the working masses. (Jeeves stiffens visibly in response to this comparison)
Jeeves: (coldly) I hesitate to contradict you, Mr. Spode, but the 'working masses' and I have barely a nodding acquaintance.

Stiffy Byng: Oh ha jolly ha.
Bertie Wooster: Oh ha jolly ha to you, young Stiffy, with knobs on!
Stiffy Byng: And ha jolly ha to you with double knobs on!

Stiffy Byng: Jeeves, you really are the specific dream-rabbit.

Sir Watkyn Bassett: She'll make something of you, maybe. I'm sure there are many fine qualities underneath that... rough exterior.
Bertie Wooster: Er, well, no, actually.

Roderick Spode:Banging at Gussy's Door: Come out, you putrid little Earthworm! I'm going to tear your head from of your shoulders!

Bertie Wooster: Oh, what ho, Sir Watkyn!
Sir Watkyn Bassett: Kindly do not address me in that familiar way, Wooster. I happen to know that once again you've yielded to the awful temptation to steal a policeman's helmet!

Roderick Spode: Fink-Nottle! I'm going to ram that notebook of yours down your throat!

Episode 2.3: Pearls Mean Tears[edit]

Bertie Wooster: Have you ever seen a floral clock, Jeeves?
Jeeves: I have not had that pleasure, sir.
Bertie Wooster: No, well, don't. Have nothing whatever to do with floral clocks. If a friend says, "Just one more floral clock can't do you any harm," be firm.
Jeeves: I shall do as you recommend, sir.

Jeeves: Did you have a pleasant afternoon, sir?
Bertie Wooster: You have a cruel streak, Jeeves. I hadn't realized it before. What blighter was it that invented the bicycle?
Jeeves: The first truly rideable machine was made by a Mr. Kirkpatrick Macmillan of Dumfriesshire in Scotland in, erm, 1839, I believe, sir.
Bertie Wooster: Ugh. Too late to do anything about it now, I suppose.
Jeeves: I fear so, sir.

Aunt Agatha: [to the police officer] And stand up straight! Is that the way they teach you to stand in the police force nowadays?
Bertie Wooster: Is there anything I can do, Aunt Agatha?
Aunt Agatha: Yes, there is. You can leave. I have enough to bear without your imbecilities. [to the officer] Your chief constable should hear of this. What is your name?
Bertie Wooster: I think there's something the matter with that girl, Aunt. I mean, is she crying or something?
Aunt Agatha: Remorse! She stole my pearls! [to the officer] Do you refuse to give me your name?
Bertie Wooster: Pearls. Well, that's a coincidence. These aren't the little chaps, are they? [holding them up]
Aunt Agatha: No of course not -- [catching sight of them] Wh-where did --?
Bertie Wooster: I got them from your friends the Hemmingways.
Aunt Agatha: The Hemmingways? The Hemmingways? Well, how did they come into the possession of the Hemmingways?
Bertie Wooster: Because they jolly well stole them, that's how! That's what they do for a living! They are jewel thieves!
Aunt Agatha: No, no, no, no, no, no...
Bertie Wooster: Yes, yes, aged A! I don't want to rub it in, but you do realize that if you had succeeded in getting me to marry that girl, then I should most probably have had children who would've sneaked my watch while I was dandling them on my knee!
Aunt Agatha: Oh, Bertie, dear, you...
Bertie Wooster: Now I'm not a complaining sort of chap, as a rule, but I must say that in future, you might be just a little bit more careful how you go about egging me on to marry females! [hands her the pearls and walks out, then does a dance in the hall]

Bertie Wooster: Well, I'm going back into that sitting room now Jeeves and I'm going to put in some pretty tense thinking.
Jeeves: Very good, sir. Shall I wake you at six, sir?
Bertie Wooster: Er yes tha'.. "[turning suddenly]" NO, NO JEEVES, there will be no need, the brain will be wrestling!
Jeeves: As you say, sir "[with disbelief]".

Lady Glossop: Are you a theater lover, Mr. Wooster?
Bertie Wooster: Oh, rather!
Lady Glossop: One of my fondest memories is of Irving playing Hamlet at the Lyceum.
Bertie Wooster: Really? Who won? [guffaws]

[doorbell rings]
Bertie Wooster: Was that the doorbell, Jeeves?
Jeeves: It certainly gave that impression, sir.
Bertie Wooster: Well, who could that be at this time of night?
Jeeves: I shall endeavor to ascertain, sir.

Episode 2.4: Jeeves in the Country[edit]

Bertie Wooster: Well, let me tell you, Mr. Mengelhoffen, that the man that hath no music in himself is fit for... hang on a minute. [goes into the other room, where Jeeves is peeling potatoes] Jeeves. What was it Shakespeare said the man that hadn't music in himself was fit for?
Jeeves: Treasons, stratagems, and spoils, sir.
Bertie Wooster: [returning] Treasons, stratagems, and spoils.
Mr. Mengelhoffen: What?
Bertie Wooster: That's what he's fit for. The man that hath no music in himself.

Bertie Wooster: Jeeves, unpleasantness has reared its ugly head in the West 1 postal district.

Bertie Wooster: Well, there's only one thing for it, Jeeves: Chuffy must be shoved over the brink.
Jeeves: I don't quite follow you, sir.
Bertie Wooster: What he needs is a jolt. If he thought that there was a grave danger of some other bloke scooping her up, wouldn't that make him forget those dashed silly ideas of his as charge ahead, breathing fire through the nostrils?
Jeeves: Jealousy is undoubtedly a powerful motivating energy, sir.

Bertie Wooster: And what about the oof situation?
Chuffy Chuffnell: The what?
Bertie Wooster: The oof. The dibs. The do-re-mi. The happy cabbage. The oil of palm.
Chuffy Chuffnell: Yes, I do speak English.

Chuffy Chuffnell: She must have had a wonderful time being engaged to you. What on earth made her accept you, I wonder?
Bertie Wooster: Don't know. I once consulted a knowledgeable pal, and his theory was that the sight of me hanging around like a loony sheep awoke the maternal instinct in woman. There may be something in this.

Episode 2.5: Kidnapped![edit]

Bertie Wooster: Save the congratulations for later, Jeeves, but as the French might say, it is dans le sac.

Pauline Stoker: What had you done to those people, Bertie?
Bertie Wooster: I was once engaged to their daughter.
Pauline Stoker: Ah.

Jeeves: Foreign travel often liberates emotions best kept in check, sir, and the air of North America is notoriously stimulating in this regard, as witnessed by the regrettable behaviour of its inhabitants in 1776.
Bertie Wooster: What happened in 1776, Jeeves?
Jeeves: I prefer not to dwell on it, if it's convenient to you, sir.

Jeeves: Feminine psychology is admittedly odd, sir. The poet Pope made frequent...
Bertie Wooster: Oh, never mind about the poet Pope, Jeeves.
Jeeves: No, sir.
Bertie Wooster: There are times when one wants to hear all about the poet Pope and times when one doesn't.
Jeeves: Very true, sir.

Magistrate: These are serious charges. But I'm inclined to believe that you, Alfred Trotsky, and you, Frederick Aloisius Lenin, were led astray. You are discharged. But as for the rest of you: Boko Disraeli, Oofy Lloyd George, Barmy, Lord Tennyson, and the rest -- not only have you been guilty of a breach of the peace of considerable magnitude, I also strongly suspect that you have given false names and addresses! You are each fined the sum of five pounds.
Bertie Wooster: I say!
Magistrate: Quiet, Dr. Crippen!

Episode 2.6: Jeeves the Matchmaker[edit]

Tuppy: You know she has given me the push!
Bertie Wooster: No!
Tuppy: She has! Simply because I was man enough to speak out candidly on the subject of a ghastly hat she was chump enough to buy. Fwuh!
Bertie Wooster: What do you mean, fwuh?
Tuppy: All I said was, it made her look like a raccoon peering out from underneath a flower pot. Which it did.
Bertie Wooster: Yes, well they're not all too keen on fearless honesty, I find.
Tuppy: Well, your cousin Angela certainly isn't.
Bertie Wooster: Not about hats, anyway.

Bertie Wooster: You know that play ... oh what was its dashed name ... the one I saw last night.
Jeeves: No, sir.
Bertie Wooster: It's on at the what-cha-call-it. Anyway, the hero's a chap who is buzzing along through life, you know, quite merry and bright, apart from his gammy leg from the war. And all of a sudden, this kid turns up, and says that she's his daughter ... left over from act one. And it's absolutely the first he's ever heard of it! So obviously, there's a bit of a fuss, and they say to him what ho, and he says what ho. And ... anyway, he takes the kid, and they go off together, out into the world!
Jeeves: Very inspiring, sir.
Bertie Wooster: Yes well, I thought so, yes.

Bertie Wooster: I mean to say, Jeeves -- if a girl can't, in the course of ordinary everyday conversation, tell a chap to go and boil his head, without said chap turning to the arms of another, then where are we Jeeves?
Jeeves: Where indeed, sir.

[Jeeves is in the kitchen recovering from a momentary panic attack]
Bertie Wooster: What on earth's the matter, Jeeves? Jeeves?
Jeeves: I apologize, sir. It was unforgivable of me. I shall be better directly. It's just... Mr. Little's tie, sir. It has... little horseshoes on it, sir.
Bertie Wooster: Oh yes, yes, I noticed that.
Jeeves: It's sometimes difficult just to shrug these things off, sir.

Bertie Wooster: This may well be it, Jeeves.
Jeeves: "It," sir?
Bertie Wooster: Pitching the woo, Jeeves. Not to rule out popping the question. The lights will be low, the wine will be flowing...
Jeeves: I'm sure I wish you every good fortune, sir. I only hope the dog will not impede your endeavors.
Bertie Wooster: Patrick? Patrick will be warmly ensconced in your room, Jeeves.
Jeeves: It is, if you recall, sir, my evening off. I had promised myself a quiet evening with an improving book.
Bertie Wooster: Can't you spend an evening with an improving dog?

Bobbie Wickham: First you need a good long piece of string. You know what string is, don't you?
Bertie Wooster: Certainly, as in string.

[Bertie tries to address a girls' school as the students keep making faces at him]
Bertie Wooster: Er, right, yes! Er, well. Erm... oh, ah, yes! Now! Here's something that's often done me a bit of good, er, and it's something that not many people know. [they begin making faces again, and he pauses in confusion] Ah, yes, well, anyway. Erm -- my uncle Henry gave me the tip when I first came to London. Er, "Never forget, my boy," he said, "that -- er -- that if you stand at Romano's in the Strand, you can see the clock on the wall of the law courts down in Fleet Street." Now most people don't know this, wouldn't think it was possible, because there are a couple of hefty-looking churches in the middle of the road, and, er, you'd think they'd get in the way, but they don't! You can! And, er, it's, well, it's worth knowing. You can win a lot of money, he used to say, betting on it with fellows who... who... who haven't found it out. [laughs nervously] And, by Jove, he was absolutely right. It-it really is a... a thing to remember. Yes, many's the quid I've won...
Headmistress: [clears her throat loudly] Perhaps, Mr. Wooster, a story might be in order, some anecdote to illustrate the benefits of hard work, study, and healthy living?
Bertie Wooster: A story! Right. Erm... never can remember stories. Oh! Yes, yes, here's one I heard recently. [laughs to himself] Erm... It seems that there was this chorus girl, and she met this stockbroker. And he said to her...

Bertie Wooster: Am I wrong in thinking that all little girls are hard-bitten thugs of the worst description?
Jeeves: Your definition is sadly near the truth, sir.

Series 3[edit]

Episode 3.1: Bertie Sets Sail[edit]

Bertie Wooster: You've heard of limpets, Jeeves?
Jeeves: The gastropod mollusk of the genus Patella known for adhering tightly to rocks, sir?
Bertie Wooster: Exactly, Jeeves. Well, this blasted Pershore seems to be known for adhering tightly to Woosters. Can't get rid of the blighter. Just as I'm about to click with some toothsome filly, up pops Motty Pershore to enliven proceedings by standing at my elbow like a wet weekend at Chalfont St. Giles.

[seeing the Statue of Liberty for the first time]
Bertie Wooster: She's a fair size, Jeeves.
Jeeves: Indeed, sir.
Bertie Wooster: Puts one in mind of Honoria Glossop in that white dress she used to wear at hunt balls.
Jeeves: The similarity is a striking one, sir.
Bertie Wooster: Now, Jeeves, why do you think they built all these tall buildings?
Jeeves: Well, sir, it was partly due to the restricted size of Manhattan Island and partly because the island is solid granite and therefore capable of supporting such structures.
Bertie Wooster: So, nothing to do with having got the plans sideways, then.
Jeeves: ...No, sir.
Bertie Wooster: That's what Barmy told me.
Jeeves: You will pardon me for saying so, sir, but Mr. Fotheringay-Phipps is not noted for his architectural expertise.

Bertie Wooster: You, er, ate something last night that disagreed with you, did you?
Wilmot Pershore: No. Nothing of the kind. I drank too much. Much too much. Lots and lots too much. And what's more, I'm going to do it again! I'm going to do it every night!
Bertie Wooster: Yes, well... yes, right. You see, the thing is, Motty -- I'm sort of responsible for you, so to speak, and if you carry on like this I'm liable to end up neck-deep in the soup with your mother.
Wilmot Pershore: Well, I can't help your troubles, old thing. This is the first time in my life I've had the chance to yield to the temptations of a great city.
Bertie Wooster: Well, yes, but Motty --
Wilmot Pershore: No, old thing. All my bally life I've been cooped up in the ancestral home in Much Middlefold in Shropshire. And until you've been cooped up in Much Middlefold in Shropshire, you don't know what cooping is. This is my only chance to assemble a disreputable past, and I'm going to take it!

Bertie Wooster: Jeeves, there's a dog in there!
Jeeves: That will be Rollo, sir. Mr. Pershore informed me that he purchased the animal from a Norwegian seaman.
Bertie Wooster: He tried to bite me!
Jeeves: No doubt in time the creature will learn to distinguish your peculiar scent, sir.
Bertie Wooster: What do you mean, "my peculiar scent"? Jeeves, I do not intend to hang about in my bedroom while life slips by, in the hope that one of these days some dratted animal will decide that I smell all right!

Pauline Stoker: Bertie Wooster! Well, well, well!
Bertie Wooster: Well well well yourself, old fruit.

Episode 3.2: The Full House[edit]

Bertie Wooster: The last time anything remotely interesting happened here was in 1842 when a tree fell over. They still talk about it in the village.

Rockmeteller Todd: [waving with paper] Listen to this! Just listen to this!
Bertie Wooster: Wait a minute, wait a minute!
Rockmeteller Todd: What?
Bertie Wooster: Can't a chap hang up his hat before he is being read to?

Rockmeteller Todd: Good Lord, I'd have to dress for dinner every night! I won't do it. I can't do it! Do you realize, I don't usually get out of my pajamas till five in the afternoon, and then I just put on a sweater, like this?
Bertie Wooster: Don't listen, Jeeves.
Jeeves moans
Bertie Wooster: Jeeves?
Jeeves sits on a tree stump, suffering from weakness attack, face cupped in hands
Bertie Wooster: I'm sorry, Jeeves, you shouldn't have heard that. [pats him on the shoulder]
Jeeves: [recomposing himself] I shall be better directly, sir.

Jeeves: Good afternoon, madam.
Woman: Don't you "good afternoon" me, I'm a respectable woman.
Jeeves: I have no reason to doubt it, madam. We are calling upon Mr. Bickersteth.
Woman: Next floor up. [as they start to climb the stair] Hey, big fella. [Jeeves turns around] You're kinda cute, the way you talk.
Jeeves: Madam is too kind.
Woman: If you wanna come up and split a beer anytime...
Jeeves: Well, I shall certainly bear your generous invitation in mind if I am in the vicinity. Good afternoon, madam. [tips his hat, and they hurry up the stairs]
Bertie Wooster: You seem to have made a bit of a conquest there, Jeeves.
Jeeves: Thank you, sir.

Waitress: One burger medium, one rare, and one ham and eggs over easy. [to Jeeves] You wanna shake with that?
Jeeves: Thank you, no, I shall, er, just sit here quietly, I think.
Waitress: [to Bertie] Is he being funny?
Bertie Wooster: No, he always talks like that. She means do you want a milkshake, Jeeves.
Jeeves: Oh! No, a cup of coffee, if you please.
Waitress: You got it. [walks away]
Jeeves: [looking around] Don't think I have...

Waitress: Say. You're pretty cute, you know that?
Jeeves: Thank you. So I have been informed.

Bertie Wooster: You seem to have a fatal fascination for the women of this country.
Jeeves: Yes, it is a problem, sir.
Bertie Wooster: There's no chance of you ... switching it off, or something, I suppose?
Jeeves: I regret not, sir. I have to learn to bear it.
Bertie Wooster: As do the rest of us, Jeeves.

Jeeves: Good morning, sir.
Bertie Wooster: I have the distinct feeling that I have only been asleep for ten minutes, Jeeves. What time is it?
Jeeves: Seven o'clock, sir.
Bertie Wooster: Seven o'clock?! Did I ask to be wakened three and a half hours before breakfast?

Rockmeteller Todd: [about Jeeves] All he does is hang around the apartment saying, "Most disturbing, sir." Fat lot of good that does.

Jeeves: [to the "Boost for Birdsburg" convention] Will it go down to the good name of Birdsburg, gentlemen, if it is printed in every newspaper in the land that you, the town's representatives, were mousetrapped by a pair of suede-shoed feather merchants?

Episode 3.3: Introduction on Broadway[edit]

Bertie Wooster: I played Brutus at school once, and I was the one everybody stabbed.

Alexander Worple: It's always a pleasure to meet another jute man. I love jute. You see this model of a yellow-bellied sapsucker? Made entirely from jute.
Bertie Wooster: [whispering] Good Lord.
Alexander Worple: This entire edifice you see around you... built on jute!
Bertie Wooster: Really! Pretty useful stuff, then.

Jeeves: I am familiar with the name Bassington-Bassington, sir. There are the Shropshire Bassington-Bassingtons, the Hampshire Bassington-Bassingtons, and of course the Kent Bassington-Bassingtons.
Bertie Wooster: Ah. So the world's pretty well stocked up on Bassington-Bassingtons, then?
Jeeves: Tolerably so, sir.
Bertie Wooster: No chance of a sudden shortage, I mean, huh?
Jeeves: Presumably not, sir.

[Bertie's postcards as he travels across America with the cast of Ask Dad]
Bertie Wooster: Well, we're off on our travels, Jeeves. Blasted tricky business what they call "hunting" in these parts; they do it without horses. Managed to wing a forest ranger the other day, however. Show is a sellout everywhere. My log cabin marked with an X.... Westward, ever westward, Jeeves. We're all having a whale of a time, especially Cyril Bassington-Bassington. My sleeping-car marked with an X.... Show doing famously, Jeeves. I must say, the horses out here are rather excitable. The local lads are rather excitable too. I've had to buy a few new clothes, I'm afraid, but I'm sure you'll approve. My bunkhouse marked with an X.... This card shows a picture of the Rockies, Jeeves. They're mountains, as you can see. Dashed rocky they are, too. My rock marked with an X.... This is the life, Jeeves. Not a fish in sight and boots slowly filling with water. I did catch a couple of trout the other day. One of them looked exactly like Oofy Prosser. You don't suppose the Prossers hail from Montana, do you? My teepee marked with an X.... I've now seen Ask Dad six billion and blasted two times, Jeeves -- or is it six billion and blasted three? -- and still no blasted sign of a blasted Broadway theater. My seat in the blasted orchestra stall marked with a blasted X. P.S.: I really think I might leave the show and totter home soon.

Bertie Wooster: Blast it, Jeeves! I shall do what I like with my own upper lip.

Bertie Wooster: You know, despite the fact that we're being dragged back to dear old blighty under somewhat ignominious circumstances by an enraged aunt, I shan't be sorry to go.
Jeeves: Yes, sir, it will be good to be home.

Episode 3.4: Right Ho, Jeeves![edit]

Bertie Wooster: You see the ghastly position, Jeeves? What is going to happen when Gussie doesn't turn up at Deverill Hall? Madeline will make inquiries, and you know what women are like for digging out the truth. And nothing puts an idealistic young girl off a fellow more than the news that he's doing fourteen days in chokey.
Jeeves: A very acute observation, sir.
Bertie Wooster: There can be but one result. Gussie will get the bum's rush, and the bowed figure you will see shambling down the aisle at Madeline Bassett's side while the organ plays "The Voice That Breathed O'er Eden" will be Bertram Wilberforce Wooster.
Catsmeat Potter-Pirbright: Well I don't see why.
Bertie Wooster: [sighs] Madeline Bassett labors under the delusion that I'm madly in love with her. Well, when a girl thinks you're in love with her and comes to you and says that she's returning her betrothed to store and is prepared to sign up with you instead, what can you do except marry her? One has to be civil.
Jeeves: [clears his throat] There is one possible solution, sir.
Bertie Wooster: [to Catsmeat] You see? "There is one possible solution, sir" -- just like that. For your information, Catsmeat, Jeeves takes a size-fourteen hat, eats tons of fish and moves in mysterious ways his wonders to perform. Speak, Jeeves.

Bertie Wooster: You can't go around London asking people to pretend to be Gussie Fink-Nottle! Well, at least, you can, I suppose, but what a hell of a life.

Bertie Wooster: Jeeves, how could I ever doubt you?
Jeeves: I could not say, sir.

Bertie Wooster: What's all this about you not writing to Madeline?
Gussie Fink-Nottle: Madeline?
Bertie Wooster: Madeline! Do you know she's actually started sending telegrams about it? For all our sakes, Gussie, write to her!
Gussie Fink-Nottle: I am not at all pleased with Madeline. It was she who made me come to this ghastly place. I only consented on the understanding that she'd come too. Then, at the last moment, she coolly backed out on the flimsy p. that some school friend of hers needs her. She must be made to realize she can't do that sort of thing. So I'm not going to write to her. It's a sort of a system.
Bertie Wooster: Gussie, for the last time, will you or will you not immediately compose an eight-page letter breathing love in every syllable and post it to Madeline?
Gussie Fink-Nottle: No!

Bertie Wooster: Jeeves, I'm sunk!
Jeeves: Well, sir, if Mr. Fink-Nottle will not write to Miss Bassett, perhaps you might write to her yourself.
Bertie Wooster: But she doesn't want to hear from me, Jeeves, she wants to hear from Gussie.
Jeeves: If it were indicated to Miss Bassett that Mr. Fink-Nottle had sprained his wrist and had to dictate a letter to you, sir...
Catsmeat Potter-Pirbright: I say, what a wheeze! You were right about him, Bertie.
Jeeves: Thank you, sir. If you were to say that Mr. Fink-Nottle had given his wrist a nasty wrench while stopping a runaway horse and saving a little child from a hideous death, it might turn Mr. Fink-Nottle's taciturnity to your advantage, sir. A golden-haired child is usually best in such circumstances.

Gussie Fink-Nottle: [playing the piano and singing horribly off-key] How do you feel / When you marry your Ideal? / Ever tho goothey, goothey, goothey, goothey...

Bertie Wooster: You know, Jeeves ... If someone were to come to me and ask if I'd be willing to join a society whose aim will be the suppression of aunts -- or at least see to it that they are kept on a short chain and not permitted to roam at will, scattering desolation on all sides -- I'd reply "Wilbraham" ... if his name was Wilbraham, that is ... "Wilbraham, put me down as a foundation member".
Jeeves: I'm sure such a society would not be lacking for subscribers, sir.

Episode 3.5: Hot Off the Press[edit]

Bertie Wooster: Observe the time, Jeeves?
Jeeves: Yes indeed, sir, not yet half past three.
Bertie Wooster: Yes perhaps you think it odd that I'm back from lunch at this unfashionably early hour.
Jeeves: It did occur to me to wonder, sir, whether there had been a conflagration at the Drones Club.

Bertie Wooster: That's what the song's all about. On Barmy's recommendation, I rushed out and bought a copy. I now intend to give it a bit of a run-through on the piano.
Jeeves: Is that wise, sir, so soon after a heavy meal?
Bertie Wooster: I shall ignore that cheap gibe, Jeeves.

Bertie Wooster: Were there any messages?
Jeeves: Just one, sir. Lady Florence Craye telephoned. She will be calling on you shortly.
Bertie Wooster: [gaping] Lady -- Florence Craye? Good heavens... well. Well well well. [leaves, then comes back in] Ah, Jeeves! Still, uh, still there, are you?
Jeeves: Yes, sir.
Bertie Wooster: Jeeves, there was a book on the little table thing by the sofa.
Jeeves: Was it entitled Strength through Willpower by Lady Florence Craye, sir?
Bertie Wooster: That's the one, Jeeves.
Jeeves: I placed it by your bedside, sir. I took the liberty of glancing through the volume and thought it might make an excellent remedy for insomnia. Would you like me to get it, sir?
Bertie Wooster: No, no, no, I'll get it, Jeeves. Just thought I'd leave it casually lying about, as she gave it to me, you see. Trying to improve my mind, I dare say.
Jeeves: That seems scarcely possible, sir.

Bertie Wooster: Yes, Lord Worplesden's place.
Jeeves: Yes, sir. Lady Florence Craye's father.
Bertie Wooster: Yes. Yes absolutely. Well [coughs nervously] anyway ... we're engaged. Just thought I'd ... I'd let you know. To Lady Florence, that is, not her father.
Jeeves: Let me be the first to congratulate you, sir.
Bertie Wooster: You ... you don't disapprove, Jeeves?
Jeeves: It is hardly my place to say, sir.
Bertie Wooster: Well, I know that it is hardly your place to say, Jeeves. That doesn't normally stop you.

Bertie Wooster [singing one of his idiotic songs]:
Hot ginger and dynamite
There's nothing but that at night.
Back in Nagasaki where the fellows chew tobaccy
And the women wicky wacky woo.
Oh I knew Barmy hadn't lost his touch!
Oh Fujiyama, you get a mama
Then your troubles increase.
In some pagoda she orders soda
The earth shakes milk shakes ten cents a piece.
They kissee and huggee nice
By jingo it's worth the price.
Back in Nagasaki where the fellows chew tobaccy
And the women wicky wacky woo.
You just have to act your age
Or wind up inside a cage.
Back in Nagasaki where the fellows chew tobaccy
And the women wicky wacky woo.
Well now Jeeves! That's a bit more like it, eh?
Jeeves: Extremely ... invigorating, sir.
Bertie Wooster: Yes, Jeeves, it's just the word I would have used. Yes, it makes you want to get up and bally well have a run around the park.
Jeeves: My feelings precisely, sir.

Bertie Wooster: How's Stinker?
Stiffy Byng: Who?
Bertie Wooster: Your fiance.
Stiffy Byng: I don't have a fiance. If a girl's fiance can't stand up to a girl's uncle and demand a girl's hand in marriage, he has no right to call himself a fiance.
Bertie Wooster: I thought he had done all that?
Stiffy Byng: He did. But uncle Watty refused.
Bertie Wooster: Well that's hardly Stinker's fault ...
Stiffy Byng: He obviously didn't put enough backbone into it.

Stiffy Byng: Gussie's playing Pat in the "Pat and Mike" cross-talk act at the village concert I'm producing.
Bertie Wooster: Oh, really? And who's playing Mike in this merry mélange of fun and topicality?

[Bertie tries to steal the manuscript from Sir Watkyn's study]
Sir Watkyn Bassett: What are you doing here?
Bertie Wooster: Er ... dinner!
Sir Watkyn: Dinner? This isn't the dining room.
Bertie Wooster: Isn't it? Oh. Thought I could smell tapioca.
Sir Watkyn: The dining room's over there. You can't miss it. There are people having dinner in it.

Spode: Even the black shorts my followers wear are symbolic.
Sir Watkyn: Symbolic?
Spode: Certainly! They signify the brevity of our patience with present-day political apathy. And black is symbolic of the fact that so riddled with inefficiencies is our present-day industrial structure, that my suppliers ran out of all the other colors.

Jeeves: Will that be all, sir?
Bertie Wooster: Yes, that'll be all, Jeeves. ... Or rather no. I'll tell you what, Jeeves, you couldn't just pop down to Sir Watkyn's study for me, could you? You'll find a safe in there, just a little one ...
Jeeves: No, sir.
Bertie Wooster: Oh dash it all, Jeeves.
Jeeves: Will that be all, sir?
Bertie Wooster: You're a hard man, Jeeves.
Jeeves: But a free one, sir, and it is my ambition to remain in that state. Good night, sir.

[Bertie, in the middle of the night, finds Spode applying a sledgehammer to the safe in Sir Watkyn's study]
Spode: How dare you question my motives?!

Bertie Wooster: Like Hastings. Hastings ... Mason ... Raisin ...
Spode: I don't recall a Battle of Raisin.
Bertie Wooster: Well perhaps it was in the Grape War.

[about the script for the "Pat and Mike" sketch]
Gussie Fink-Nottle: But it's absolute balderdash, Bertie. I mean, listen to this: "Sure and begorrah, I don't know what's after being the matter with you, Michael." I mean, what's all this "what's after being" stuff mean?
Bertie Wooster: My dear old Gussie, that is how people think Irish people talk.

Sir Watkyn: What parcel was this, Wooster?
Bertie Wooster: Nothing special... usual sort of brown-paper affair, bit of string, suspicion of sealing wax, that's all.

Bertie Wooster: Jeeves!
Jeeves: Yes, sir?
Bertie Wooster: That parcel has arrived in London!
Jeeves: Yes, sir.
Bertie Wooster: Well, did you send it?
Jeeves: Yes, sir. [Bertie lets out a small scream] I acted for the best, sir.
Bertie Wooster: You do know that Lady Florence has broken off her engagement with me.
Jeeves: In my opinion, sir, and I'm sorry if this causes you any distress, you and Lady Florence are not ideally matched. Her ladyship is of a highly arbitrary and determined temperament, sir, quite opposed to your own.
Bertie Wooster: Oh, indeed, Jeeves! Well, I'm very grateful for your opinion! I must say that what I had in mind from you was abject, quivering apology! This is very sad, Jeeves, but I'm going to have to think very seriously about your future. I mean, I -- [catches sight of Florence telling off some servants downstairs]
Florence Craye: ...I trust that it not alcohol I smell on your breath. Drunkenness may be de rigeur among the servants in some houses, but I should be sorry to see it take hold here. I suggest you read these. They're a brief introduction to the beliefs and aims of the Theosophical Society. Study them well! [exits]
Bertie Wooster: ...Yes, well, I've thought seriously about your future, Jeeves, and I think it should continue very much in the vein of your immediate past. I owe you an apology, Jeeves.
Jeeves: By no means, sir.

Episode 3.6: Comrade Bingo[edit]

Bingo Little: You don't know how I could raise fifty quid somehow, do you?
Bertie Wooster: Work?
Bingo Little: [recoiling] Bertie.

[about the current object of Bingo's affection]
Bertie Wooster: I've only seen a photograph, Jeeves, and it may well be that she has a heart of gold; however, the first thing that strikes one about her is that she also has a tooth of gold.

Bertie Wooster: Aunt Dahlia! What ho, old blood relation!
Aunt Dahlia: [affectionately] Hello, Bertie, revolting young blot.

[Bertie walks in on Madeline playing the piano]
Madeline Bassett: Oh, Bertie! I need someone to turn the pages for me.
Bertie Wooster: Oh, well, I'll go and find someone, shall I?

Bertie Wooster: If you ask me, Jeeves, art is responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Jeeves: It's an interesting theory, sir. Would you care to expatiate on it?
[pause]
Bertie Wooster: As a matter of fact, no, Jeeves. The thought just occurred to me, as thoughts do.
Jeeves: Very good, sir.

Series 4[edit]

Episode 4.1: Return to New York[edit]

Bertie Wooster: I feel like something that's been rejected by the Pure Food Committee.

Jeeves: In my experience, young ladies who spell "Gwladys" with a W are seldom noted for their reliability, sir. It gives them romantic notions.

Bertie Wooster: This is a bit steep, Jeeves.
Jeeves: Approaching the perpendicular, sir.

Jeeves: I attended the performance of a cinema film recently in which the estranged parents were brought together again by the tot in question.
Bertie Wooster: Well, how?
Jeeves: If I remember rightly, sir, it said, "Dadda, doesn't 'oo love Mummy no more?"
Bertie Wooster: "Dadda, doesn't 'oo love Mummy no more?" And that did the trick, did it, Jeeves?
Jeeves: Oh, yes, indeed, sir. The picture concluded with a close-up of the happy couple in fond embrace with the child looking on with natural gratification.

Jeeves: [training the baby] No, you must say "kiss Tuppy"... I'm sorry, unless you comply with our wishes in this matter, no more toffees will be forthcoming.

Tuppy Glossop: What about the money you owe me?
Mr. Slingsby: I don't owe one goddamn red-cent! My wife looked up you Cock-a-mammie soup in a cook book!
Tuppy Glossop: It's Cock-a-Leekie, and my Nanny never wrote a cookbook.
Mr. Slingsby: She didn't have to. Its in every cookbook from here to Vladivostok!

Episode 4.2: The Once and Future Ex[edit]

Nobby Hopwood: This isn't another idea for getting Clam and Uncle Percy together?
Bertie Wooster: Absolutely! Yes, "the simplicity of genius" is a phrase you might find springing unbidden to your lips.

Stilton Cheesewright: Don't "what ho" me. I know why you're in New York. You're here for a bit of snake-in-the-grassing.
Bertie Wooster: Snake-in-the...?
Stilton Cheesewright: Grassing!

Florence Craye: Stilton Cheesewright is an uncouth Cossack!
Bertie Wooster: Isn't that one of those things clergymen wear?

Jeeves: When I was in service to Lord Worplesden, sir, Mr. Fittleworth contracted an engagement to Lady Florence.
Bertie Wooster: Boko Fittleworth did? Huh. I never knew that. This tendency of the human race to rush about getting engaged to Florence is absolutely inexplicable.

Georgie Caffyn: I fell asleep! I didn't wake up till Nobby was banging on the door. I don't know where girls get these expressions from, Bertie.
Bertie Wooster: What expressions?
Georgie Caffyn: Oh, I couldn't repeat them. Not with gentlemen present.

Episode 4.3: Bridegroom Wanted[edit]

Bertie Wooster: [playing the piano] This Irving Berlin fellow seems to have come a bit of a cropper here, Jeeves.
Jeeves: Sir?
Bertie Wooster: This new song of his. Too many words, not enough notes.
Jeeves: If you'll pardon me for saying so, sir, it seems to be a reasonably straightforward syncopated 5/4 time signature. If you were to accent the words if, where, and fashion, I think you'll find the correct rhythmic pattern would emerge.
Bertie Wooster: If, where, and fashion. Right. [playing and singing] "If you're blue and you don't know where to go to, why don't you go where fashion sits, putting on the Ritz." Well, he more or less gets away with it, Jeeves, but what about this? "Spangled gowns upon a beauty or hand-me-downs on clown and cutie, all misfits... putting on the Ritz"? Well, just as well for him he chose the Ritz, Jeeves. Imagine the trouble he'd have got into if he'd decided to write about putting on the Regency. Now, where do you suppose he'd find a rhyme for "Regency," Jeeves?
Jeeves: Ah... "with due expediency," sir?
Bertie Wooster: [trying it out on the piano] "With due expediency... putting on the Regency!" It doesn't really work, does it, Jeeves?
Jeeves: Very true, sir.

Bertie Wooster: Sorry, Bingo, out of the question. I will not go through all that again. Telling him my pen name was Rosie M. Banks and that I'd written all those frightful novels.
Bingo Little: Not for me?
Bertie Wooster: Not for you nor a dozen like you.
Bingo Little: I never thought to hear those words from Bertie Wooster!
Bertie Wooster: Yes, yes, well, you've heard them now! Paste them into your hat!

Sir Roderick Glossop: The Glossop method is based on the patient being given an excess of whatever it is he most desires -- as it may be, alcohol, or the companionship of the opposite sex, or, as in Lord Bittlesham's case, food. The patient will eventually revolt at the sheer immoderation of it and voluntarily deny himself.
Bertie Wooster: Ah, sort of get it out of his system.
Sir Roderick Glossop: Precisely.
Bertie Wooster: Is it successful?
Sir Roderick Glossop: Theoretically impeccable, Bertie, and extremely popular.
Bertie Wooster: Yes, yes, I should think it would be.

Bertie Wooster: A problem has arisen in the life of a friend of mine, Jeeves, who shall remain nameless, and I want -- or rather, he wants -- your advice.
Jeeves: Certainly, sir.
Bertie Wooster: Well, ah, I must begin by saying that this is one of those delicate problems where not only must my friend be nameless, but all the other personnel as well.
Jeeves: Would you prefer it if we were to term the protagonists A and B, sir?
Bertie Wooster: Yes, or North and South.
Jeeves: A and B is more customary, sir.
Bertie Wooster: Yes, well, you know best, Jeeves. Very well. Now then. A is male and B female. You follow me so far?
Jeeves: You have been lucidity itself, sir.

Bertie Wooster: Bingo, old can of fruit!
Bingo Little: What ho, Bertie.

Episode 4.4: The Delayed Arrival[edit]

Stilton Cheesewright: [referring to Bertie's cocktail] Now what do you suppose those things are doing to your eye?
Bertie Wooster: For your information, Cheesewright, one does not administer alcohol by the eye, or even by the ear. The mouth is the correct orifice.
Stilton Cheesewright: Not if one's meant to be in trainng for the Drones darts tournament, it isn't.
Bertie Wooster: Ah, yes, of course, you've drawn me in the sweepstake, haven't you? Well, your money is safe, Cheesewright. The Wooster form is as devastating as ever.
Stilton Cheesewright: We want a win this year, Wooster, not another dratted tie. I happened to look in on the Drones Club this evening. Freddie Widgeon was at the darts board, stunning everyone with a performance that took one's breath away.
Bertie Wooster: Tcha!
Stilton Cheesewright: Eh?
Bertie Wooster: I said "tcha!" scornfully, with ref. to F. Widgeon. I know his form backwards.
Stilton Cheesewright: He's knocked off smoking, you know!
Bertie Wooster: No!
Stilton Cheesewright: He takes a cold bath every morning!
Bertie Wooster: [shrugs] He's forgotten where the hot tap is.

[at the Mottled Oyster]
Florence Craye: This is just the sort of place I imagined Rollo coming to that night!
Bertie Wooster: Rollo?
Florence Craye: The hero of my novel. Rollo Beeminster. He's in a wild mood, reckless, desperate. He's lost the girl he loves, and he comes to this low nightclub trying to forget, but it's useless. He looks around him at the glitter and garishness and feels how hollow it all is.
Bertie Wooster: Yes. [clears throat] I saw Stilton at the Drones tonight.
Florence Craye: Oh, yes?
Bertie Wooster: Yes, he was in a wild mood. He looked about him at the Drones' smoking room and I could see he was feeling what a hollow... smoking room it was.

Aunt Dahlia: Oh, Bertie, if magazines had ears, Milady's Boudoir would be up to them in debt. I've got nasty little men in bowler hats knocking at my door.

Bertie Wooster: If that doesn't leave me without a stain on my character, well, then I don't know what it does leave me without a stain on.

Bertie Wooster: [watching Aunt Dahlia and Trotter seal the deal on Milady's Boudoir] He's kissed her on the cheek! Good Lord.... She's slapped him on the back... now she's helping him up, dusting down his suit...

Episode 4.5: Trouble at Totleigh Towers[edit]

Bertie Wooster: I like Stiffy. I'd run a mile in tight shoes for her.

Bertie Wooster: Oh, stop playing with the hat, Jeeves. I knew you wouldn't like it.
Jeeves: Oh, not at all, sir!

Madeline Bassett: I'm furious with Augustus.
Bertie Wooster: Oh, surely not!
Madeline Bassett: He was so rude about Roderick.
Bertie Wooster: Never!
Madeline Bassett: He said to Daddy that he was sick and tired of seeing Roderick clump about the place as if it belonged to him, and if Daddy had an ounce more sense than a billiard ball, he would charge him rent. He was most offensive!
Bertie Wooster: Well, he said it with a light laugh.
Madeline Bassett: No.
Bertie Wooster: Well, you might not have noticed it. Very easy to miss these light laughs.

Sir Watkyn Bassett: Perhaps you have hidden depths, Wooster, is that it?
Bertie Wooster: I don't think so. No one's ever mentioned it, anyway.

["Oh By Jingo"]
Bertie Wooster: Oh by gee by gosh by gum by Jove!
Roderick Spode: Oh by Jove, oh by Jove, oh by Jove!
Bertie Wooster: Oh By Jingo, won't you hear our love?
Madeline Bassett: Will you kindly raise your voice?
Roderick Spode, Stiffy Byng, Rev. Stinker Pinker: Louder!
Sir Watkyn Bassett: We will build for you a hut!
Major Plank, Chief Toto: Yes!
Roderick Spode: You will be our favorite nut!
Major Plank, Chief Toto: Correct!
Bertie Wooster: We'll have a lot of little oh-by-Joveses!
Jeeves: Dress them up in clogs and clotheses.
Bertie Wooster: Oh By Jingo said by gosh by gee!
Major Plank, Chief Toto: G, A, B, C, D, E, stop!
Madeline Bassett: Oh by jiminy, please don't bother me!
Roderick Spode, Major Plank, Chief Toto: Bother her, bother her!
Bertie Wooster: So they all went away, saying
All: Oh by gee by gosh by gum by Oh By Jingo, by gee, you're the only one for me!
Jeeves: Bring me lobster on a clean plate!

Episode 4.6: The Ties That Bind[edit]

Bertie Wooster: Ha! Do you ever feel like throwing open the window and shouting that the world is a wonderful place, Jeeves?
Jeeves: Erm... no, sir.
Bertie Wooster: Or dancing in the street, scattering petals on the passers-by?
Jeeves: Only infrequently, sir.

Bertie Wooster: Good Lord! Ginger Winship!
Ginger Winship: Bertie! How nice to see you!
Bertie Wooster: You down here for the wedding?
Ginger Winship: No, no. There's a by-election. I'm standing for Parliament.
Bertie Wooster: No!
Ginger Winship: I am!
Bertie Wooster: But you're an absolute idiot, Ginger!
Ginger Winship: I know!

Bertie Wooster: Something up with the bath?
Jeeves: The water appears reluctant to drain, sir.
Bertie Wooster: Oh. Pulled the plug out, have you?
Jeeves: That was amongst the first things I thought of, sir.

Madeline Bassett: [about Bertie] I think he's having a brainstorm!
Aunt Agatha: What with?

[Bertie has pretended to faint]
Madeline Bassett: We should loosen his collar.
Jeeves: I hardly think such drastic measures are called for, Miss Bassett.

External links[edit]

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