Joe Rogan Experience Podcast #211 (2012) 
- People are scared man, they're scared of the void.
I'm Gonna Be Dead Someday... (2000) 
- Just because I'm staring deep into your birth canal does not mean that I'm fucked up. It means you should have paid more attention in high school and I have a dollar. I have four quarters and you have a bad job. Don't get pissed at me because you didn't learn how to type, you no-back-up-plan-having pain in the ass.
- response to a stripper
- I am not homophobic; I am cock-conscious.
Joe Rogan: Live (2006) 
- Here's the craziest thing about life. This is the thing that nobody really considers: You know as much about what life is all about as anybody who's ever lived, ever. That's the craziest thing about us. We're all just kinda wandering through this, going, "You know what you're doing?" "Yes" "Oh, I do, too. I know what I'm doing." "Okay. Good, then." But really no one has a fucking clue.
- Some people don't believe in aliens. I do believe in aliens. But I believe they gave up on people a long time ago. Wouldn't you? I think there's a few liberal aliens out there, still hangin' in,
- "Hey, man, I think they're gonna pull it together. I think we should help them; give them more technology."
- "No! Every time we do that they blow shit up! Noooo"
- We have comic book bad guys. Osama Bin Laden is right out of a fucking comic book. Think about it: He's a billionaire genius...who hates us! He lives in a cave. He used to work for the good guys and got all their secrets, and then he switched over to the dark side. And every time they almost capture him, he mysteriously gets away, and leaves behind a threatening tape. What is this, a fuckin' Stan Lee production?
- When women go to see men strip, we never accuse you of hating men.
Shiny Happy Jihad (2007) 
- [about Fear Factor] Every now and then I'll be right in the middle of it and just go "What the fuck am I doing? There's a girl with a mouthful of animal dicks, and I'm telling her 'you can get more in there', and she's listening to me. That's my job? Oh, my guidance counselor owes me a fucking apology. That dude lacked vision."
- [It's] 2006 and pot is still controversial. That's hilarious. Pot's still illegal and no one has a jet pack. What the fuck is going on?! Isn't this Silicone Valley? Where's the jet packs, bitch?! I just wanna go up to everyone making cell phones and say, "Hey, that's small enough. Stop right there. Just keep them working." 72 inch TV? That's plenty big, dude. Just keep them working. No, you'll never get pot and you'll never get a jet pack. And you'll certainly never get the two of them at the same time. Civilization would fucking crumble. Be honest, would you work? 'Cuz I wouldn't work. Who the fuck is gonna show up for work at the mortgage company when you can smoke pot and fly?!
- I was raised Catholic. That's why I don't take religion too seriously.
- I personally think confession was just someone's idea of a sick joke. One dude came up with it, then he died, and he forgot to tell everyone he was only fuckin' around. Think about the idea of confession...You take a guy who's not allowed to masturbate, or have sex, ever, then you make him wear a costume, then he has to sit in a dark booth, and listen to fuck stories whispered through a hole in the wall!
- Guys don't know they're pussy whipped until it's too late. Until you do something that lets you know, like when you shush your friends: "Hey, man, remember that time we went to Vegas and...?" "Dude, shut the fuck up about Vegas! The fuck are you doing?! The window's open, man! She's somewhere in the city!"
- No girl wants a secretly gay boyfriend, every dude wants a secretly gay girlfriend.
Talking Monkeys in Space (2010) 
- Nature is everything, okay? We don't like to think that our society is nature, because we created it. But guess what? This is no different than a fuckin' beehive; it's just more complicated, cuz people are smarter than bees. Cities are natural, that's why they're everywhere....You know what's not natural? You...in the middle of the mountains...in the middle of the winter.
- [on Dr. Phil] Ladies, please listen to me, don't you ever take relationship advice from a guy you don't wanna fuck, okay? Because let me tell you something: if you don't wanna fuck him, chances are a lot of other girls don't wanna fuck him either; and that guy is gonna say whatever he needs to to make you happy....He says crazy shit. He told this one man that masturbating is just as bad as cheating on his wife. I fucking shit you not! If I had a gun in my hand I woulda Elvis'd that TV.
The Joe Rogan Experience (Podcast) 
- “We’re all in this, like, constant wrestling match with biology, and the reality of our environment, and the utter ridiculousness of the fucking universe. The whole thing. It’s constantly weighing on you. When I drive home, every fucking time I drive anywhere, at some point in the drive, I’ll roll down the window…and I look up, and I just want to see forever. And I just want to stick my fucking head out, and know that, that this goes on forever, right from here, forever, little perspective shot. Boom. Roll the window back up. None of it makes sense! It's all crazy! And if you’re really paying attention to the whole thing, and pretending that everything’s moving along fine and I’m in this temporary body, with no idea of what’s next, but, that’s okay, I’m gonna raise a bunch of other temporary beings, and we’re gonna fucking drive around, and spend money, which doesn’t even mean anything, because it’s based on confidence, and it’s just ones and zeroes in a databank somewhere, and hopefully no one’s manipulating it! I want to get what I earn! And you just keep going ‘til your fucking heart stops.