Judging Amy (1999–2005) was an American television series, airing on CBS, about a single mother who has left a high profile legal firm in New York behind to become a Family Court judge in Hartford, Connecticut.
- Amy: Yes, you nailed it. He's a cross-dressing serial killer.
- Maxine: I know more about her ovaries than I do my own.
- Vincent: This is what we call 'middle class angst.
- Lauren: [about her book report] I was gonna do The Secret Garden, but I'm doing Everybody Poops instead.
- Amy: How about... 'Everybody Poops in the Secret Garden'?
- Lauren: Why are they talking about us like we're not here?
- Amy: It's a family tradition, sweetie.
- Bruce: Do you have a problem with me not being a woman?
- Amy: Not if you don't.
- Vincent: She's asleep.
- Amy: She doesn't want me to tuck her in?
- Vincent: No. No, she's not interested. She says that she loves you, but that she's not in love with you. No, that was another conversation.
- Lauren: That's ridiculous! Cars just don't start moving.
- Vincent: Please, Judge, give me a chance. I don't want to go to jail.
- Lauren: Well, what are you going to do for me?
- Vincent: I don't think Judge Barbie's supposed to say that.
- Amy: Ok, bedtime!
- Amy: What? I don't look judicial?
- Maxine: No! You look like a deranged minister!
- Vincent: No, no, no. It's a very bad idea to drink alone.
- Amy: Well, it's either that or matricide.
- Vincent: Then go ahead. I'll wait.
- Vincent: You sure can clear a room.
- Maxine: It hasn't worked on you yet.
- Maxine: Lauren, your opinions are not as fascinating as you think they are.
- Lauren: What's anorexia?
- Maxine: A disease women get from reading magazines.
Trial By Jury
- Maxine: Peter, go over there and deal with that sales girl. Something about her scares me. I think it's her teeth.
- Amy: I happen to remember something Professor Larkin said about you. He said you had a brilliant mind for theatrics, and you would do well in the courtroom, until you met a judge who was smarter than you. Well, guess what just happened.
- Amy: I have to check my compassion at the door.
- Greta: Says who?
- Amy: I've got to think about the law, not the people.
- Greta: Well, what do you think the law is for? When you uphold the law, you uphold the good of the people. Not just the people in your courtroom. All of them. Nobody loses.
- Amy: Where's Vincent?
- Maxine: He said something about a freelance writing job.
- Lauren: It's the lady from the hardware store, he met her looking for screws.
Last Tango in Hartford
An Impartial Bias
Near Death Experience
- Maxine: No, if I sit still, I'll think terrible things. Like, how hard is it to hire a hitman? And, do they take credit cards?
The Persistence of Tectonics
- Maxine: And this is a very nice gay man, Justin, whom we just met. And this is my son, Vincent, who isn't gay. He's a writer.
- Maxine: I was just down in the basement...Hooking a rug.
- Maxine: After 40 years of cooking Thanksgiving dinner, even the word 'Thanksgiving' makes me mad.
- Vincent: Something smells good.
- Amy: That would be Socrates' breath.
- Amy: You could be a little more sympathetic.
- Bruce: I don't do sympathetic.
- Amy: Of course not.
- Maxine: You know what I read the other day? That Denver, Colorado is moving closer to San Francisco, California by an inch every ten years.
- Amy: Is this relevant?
- Maxine: An inch every ten years. That's the way the Rocky Mountains were formed, and that's the way the world changes. Not by stamping your foot to get your way. Not even by the bang of a gavel. It's by the choices that we make, you know, all the time. You do what you think is right, every time. Slowly, the world starts to change. That's how we leave our imprint on life -- an inch every ten years.
- Amy: Where do you come up with this stuff?
- Maxine: I don't know; just pops into my head. It's a curse, really.
- Maxine: Please, don't let me break your concentration by living here.
- Donna: Some people believe that before we’re born, when we’re still in spirit form, we make a deal with the universe... choose the families we’re born into. We have different reasons, based on the lessons we need to learn. I’m not sure what I was thinking when I chose mine. But, it’s obvious why Judge Gray chose hers. I’m just really glad I could be a part of it. God bless us... every one.
- Maxine: Amen
Spoil the Child
Zero to Sixty
- Maxine: [about a naked baby picture] My father took that one. If I lose a few teeth and start drooling, I'll be right back there again.
- Amy: Wearing a few more clothes, I hope.
- Maxine: I find it very self-aware that the parties object to being referred to as 'parents.'
- Maxine: My best solution isn't repeatable in court, Your Honor.
Shaken, Not Stirred
- Amy: It's my brother's book! My baby brother. Vincent Gray.
- Vincent: She's out on a day pass.
The Wee Hours
Drawing the Line
- Amy: Here's a new idea. Why don't you tell her how you feel?
- Vincent: What, and let down my whole gender?
- Amy: Do you love her?
- Vincent: I don't know. What? I'm standing here with a mocha latte talking to my sister about love. My sperm count is plummeting!
- Amy: You love her!
- Vincent: Shut up! I gotta run.
- Maxine: If I end up in a dumpster, it's your fault.
- Vincent: Are we going to be one of those couples that solves every dispute by having wild monkey sex?
- Lisa: God, I hope so.
- Maxine: And why is it so hard for you to believe that I'm attractive to men?
- Peter: Uh...you're my mother?
- Maxine: And I got that way by being attractive to men.
The God Thing
- Greta: Life is full of endless opportunities to make a fool of yourself.
- Amy: Well, if somebody's keeping score, then I should be heading into the bonus round right about now.
- Kimberley: This is obviously a case of professional jealousy.
- Maxine: [smiling]...the lawyer wishes she could be a wire-bender?
- Amy: My friend, Greta, found God.
- Bruce: I didn't know He was missing.
Gray vs. Gray
- Maxine: The truth is, we're all going to die. The blessing is, we don't know when. And that's what allows us to go on.
Not With a Whimper
Blast From the Past
- Amy: [to Vincent in the hospital] Wouldn't it be great if it could be mom's fault?
You're Not the Boss of Me
- Terry Ventrella: Are you sorry about slamming my Johnny in that door?
- Maxine: Nope. Keep your damn Johnny out of my gas tank.
The Burden of Perspective
Amy: Yeah, one of those "Our family can beat up your family" shots.
- CD Announcer: You are giving your baby the gift of non-violent birth.
- Maxine: I never said I broke up with Jared.
- Amy: Are you saying you didn't?
- Maxine: What I'm saying is whether I did or not is none of your business!
- Amy: Mom, I hate her. But Lauren thinks the sun shines right out of her butt.
- Gillian: I love you, Amy.
- Amy: I love you, too.
- Gillian: But, I mean, you are way too skinny for someone with such a nice rack.
- Rob: Sometimes people gotta obliterate everything in their path just to get themselves back on track.
- Amy: That's exactly how it feels.
- Rob: And sometimes innocent people get incinerated because they happen to be too close to the blow.
- Amy: Can tuna actually freeze?
- Bruce: Apparently so.
- [Knocking on door]
- Vincent: Hey. Am I interrupting?
- Bruce: Just having some tuna Slurpees...
The Claw is Our Master
8 1/2 Narrow
- Amy: Ms.Winston, I am ruling, and you are... shutting up.
The Beginning, the End, and the Murky Middle
One For the Road
The Treachery of Compromise
Everybody Falls Down
- Maxine: Oh, Fran. I lack delicacy.
- Fran: No kidding.
- Vincent: What's wrong with Katie?
- Amy: Nothing, if you like perky, nubile teenagers.
- Vincent: I think I'm gonna let that one pass.
Romeo and Juliet Must Die--Well, Maybe Just Juliet
- Vincent: When a person kills another person, it leaves a mark.
- Donna: Yeah, especially when he uses an axe the way Oscar did.
- Maxine: No, Gillian, I can't think of a reason not to have lunch. Maybe Amy will join us. No, she's been up for hours, doing yoga and writing her autobiography.
Between the Wanting and the Getting
- [Lauren finds Jared and Maxine alone, ready to kiss]
- Lauren: Are you kissing my Grandma?
- Jared: I was about to, yes.
- Lauren: OK.
- [Carole enters to see Donna and Lauren playing Barbies and Vincent working on his book]
- Carole: So, uh, what are we all doing?
- Lauren: Donna and I are playing 'Parole Board Babes' and Uncle Vincent is cutting his novel to shreds.
Hold on Tight
- Maxine: It's not the letting go that hurts, it's the holding on.
- Sean: You are a very scary lady.
- Maxine: Thank you.
The Last Word
- Sean: This is because you're in charge over at Sanctuary House.
- Maxine: Sanctuary House is a collaboration.
- Sean: Nothing with you is a collaboration.
- Sean: Everyone's dismissed. Except Maxine.
- Maxine: Am I being kept after social work?
- Bruce: Tell you what. You have a complete psychotic breakdown. I'll cover for you. I'll put on a robe and a wig... Come on. I'll walk you to your car. [she doesn't answer] Amy, I'll walk you to your car. Judge Gray?
- Amy: No. It's okay.
- Bruce: No, it's not. I'll walk you to your car.
- Amy: Yeah, I was there when it happened.
- Stu: I know. You told me to blow it up my butt.
- Amy: I was hoping you wouldn't remember that part.
- Maxine: Kimberly, do the civilized world a favor and keep your opinions to yourself.
- Maxine: Sean, one day you're going to have children. And I'm going to enjoy that so much.
Off the Grid
Darkness For Light
- Amy: One day, I'm going to find a man who thinks I'm the meaning of life.
- Maxine: Amy, don't be trippy. The best you can hope for is a man who doesn't think about the meaning of life when he's with you.
- Donna: [jumps out of her seat] Ha! Just so you know, Judge Gray was a big shot corporate lawyer on Wall Street before we got her. [Amy and Bruce look at her and she sits]
- Maxine: [to Sean] Yes, I am sacrificing the good of the many for the good of the one. I am willing to burn in hellfire for all damnation for that, therefore you don't scare me.
- Bruce: Do you smell chlorine?
- Amy: I went for a swim. For fitness.
- Bruce: That would explain it.
The Right Thing To Do
- Jared: Maxine, I forget. Why are we breaking up?
- Maxine: Because it's the right thing to do.
- Jared: I hate the right thing to do.
- Maxine: So do I. It's a pain in the ass.
- Vincent: Please marry me.
- Carol: I'm wearing paper.
- Vincent: Okay?
- Carol: I didn't want to be wearing paper when I got engaged.
- Vincent: I could ask you again tonight when you're wearing clothes.
- Maxine: You can't democratize a personal conviction. That's what this is. I'm taking a stand. And I'm more than willing to stand alone.
- [Donna opens shower curtain]
- Vincent: Donna! I'm in the shower!
- Donna: No kidding.
- Vincent: Naked!
- [Donna hands him a towel]
- Maxine: Is this what they call a high-class problem?
- Amy: I guess so.
- Maxine: Funny. Feels just like a regular one.
- Amy: Why does this feel like it's a marriage?
- Bruce: Because it is.
- Amy: Without the obvious perks. [Bruce looks confused] You don't fix things around the house.
The Unbearable Lightness of Being Family
- Amy: Life wants to be a mess. Don't ask me why.
- Amy: So, it's not like flirting.
- Bruce: No, it's not like flirting.
- Amy: Because priests don't flirt.
- Bruce: Not if they like their jobs.
- Amy: So, we're talking nada? No heavy petting, light petting...?
- Bruce: Do I look like I want to be having this conversation?
- Amy: You think you're cute, don't you?
- Bruce: I am cute. Here. We're on the set up committee. So, set up.
- Prosecutor: If I had a 6-year-old sucking on some part of my anatomy and called it a bonding experience, I'd be arrested.
- Prosecutor: I think Your Honor would agree that this is a little too happy of a meal.
- Amy: Who's that?
- Bruce: A friend. Where's your hair?
- Amy: Where's yours?
- Bruce: I have three rules. I don't lend money, I don't touch lettuce, I don't set people up.
- Amy: You don't touch lettuce?
- Bruce: It's cold, it's wet, it squeaks. I don't have to explain myself.
- Amy: What's his deal?
- Bruce: His 'deal' is his business. And I told you -
- Amy: I know. You don't touch lettuce.
- Amy: Tell me I never said the words 'sippy cup' while on the verge of tears.
- Maxine: No, but you were an averagely nervous young mother, so try to understand what she's going through.
- Amy: Why are you picking on me?
- Maxine: Vincent's gone. I have to pick on somebody.
Rights of Passage
- Maxine: Kyle!
- Kyle: Thank God you aren't insane.
- Maxine: Why?
- Kyle: Because I spent most of my childhood trying to make you that way.
Surprised by Gravity
- Kyle: I used to sleepwalk through life, ignorant of the importance beef tallow plays in the flavoring of french fries. Now, I have been enlightened, and the french fry holds no secrets from me.
- Amy: Hey, Kyle. That's not a Jaguar.
- Kyle: No, it's not. But it has aspirations.
- Maxine: [to Amy about her garnishing the meatloaf] Amy, any more parsley and it'll look like a putting green.
- Kyle: Well, Aunt Max lit the oven for me, but I sliced the sausage of the pre-mixed dough.
Beating the Bounds
- Amy: [about the woman who wanted Amy to perform her divorce ceremony] She chose me because you have a great rear end.
- Bruce: Yes. I do.
- Lauren: What's an orgasm?
- Amy: Oh, honey, I'm not sure if I remember anymore. I might have to look it up in a book.
- Lauren: (to Amy as Kyle walks by) How do you cheat with sex?
- Kyle: Alcohol, music, and Viagra.
- Maxine: (to Kyle) You have accomplished the "self-distructive, I don't-give-a-damn" look.
Crime and Puzzlement
- Amy: I've seen you rant. You can't unring that bell.
- Bruce: Would you like a list of things I've seen you do?
- Bruce: When they get to Andrew Lloyd Webber, I quit.
Who Shot Dick?
- Richard (to Maxine): I made my own way in this world.
- Maxine: The hell you did. Daddy sent you to medical school. By the time it was my turn, there was nothing left.
- Richard: You went to college.
- Maxine: I worked three jobs. I didn't pay off those loans till 1967. You were his hope, I was his after-thought. My God Richard. I don't want to go over this again.
- Richard: None of this is justification for keeping me from my son.
- Maxine: Edward was dead at 55.
- Richard (about Kyle): He's my son, Maxine!
- Maxine: He's an adult. No one forced his hand. You're making things worse.
- Peter: I've been reading Robin Hood to Ned.
- Kyle: Steal from the rich and give to the poor? You're the quasi-communist, Peter.
- Maxine: I have a good memory.
- Richard: Your blessing and your curse.
- Maxine: It's always been a fine line.
- Richard: (regarding Kyle) Teaching him the fine art of holding a grudge are we?
- Maxine: No, the lost art of learning from the past, you know the whole doomed to repeat it thing?
- Andrea: (to Bruce) I guess it is true that it takes a village or at least an English nanny to raise a child.
- Kyle: Maxine, pack up your troubles. Donna's potatoes are here.
The Cook of the Money Pot
- Maxine: Amy, you seem to be alright after walking in on your father and me.
- Amy: That never happened.
- Maxine: Then perhaps denial will work as well for Lauren as it has for you.
The Extinction of the Dinosaurs
Can They Do That With Vegetables?
- Maxine: She looks up to you, you know.
- Eric: Big deal. She's 4 feet tall.
- Lauren: Eric's going to teach me how to spam dunk!
- Eric: Slam dunk. Basketball, not lunch.
- Peter: And you're way hotter than Charlayne, too.
- Amy: Way hotter.
- Charlayne: Eric. Now would this be the junkie or the street hustler?
- [When Amy tells Maxine to quit smoking]
- Maxime: You want to open this door Amy?
- Amy: Yeah.
- Maxime: You exist on 9 cups of coffee a day. You eat powdered sugar for breakfast. You drink like a European. And you have sex with people you don't care about.
Woman in Cacti With a Curled Up Rat
- Kyle: How do you intend to convince him?
- Maxine: I'm going to flirt with him. Oh, come on. You can't tell me you've never tried it.
- Kyle: How do you think I passed organic chemistry?
Not Stumbling, But Dancing
The Justice League of America
Men Aren't Monsters
- Maxine: In the desperate hope that you two have some kind of secret language you can't speak in front of women, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to get a cup of coffee.
The Bottle Show
- Donna: How was the movie?
- Kyle: It was good...Not bad...It sucked.
- Donna: Your little friend enjoyed it?
- Kyle: She fell asleep.
- Donna: Probably malnutrition.
- Maxine: Men look in the mirror as much as we do, but they always think they look great.
- Lauren: I hate all of my clothes
- Maxine: She spent yesterday with Chanelle.
- Maxine: Great. We're just a couple of hookers short of Atlantic City.
- Maxine: I know this bulletin board is everyone's idea of a good time, but some of us actually use it for work. So you can consider this the end of the largest dead cockroach of the week contest. Would you kindly flush the contestants?
- Kimberly: Do you have like no sense of humor?
- Maxine: That's correct. I'm a human fun-sucking vacuum.
- Sean: Busy?
- Maxine: Very.
- Sean: Good, walk with me, talk with me, I've been thinking.
- Maxine: Gee, I already don't like it.
- Sean: I think it's about time we made a few headlines of our own. Flashy headlines.
- Maxine: A regular diet of infanticide and sexual abuse is too low key for your taste?
- Maxine: I am in the middle of being alone so you can help me by leaving.
- Sean: Are you mad at me?
- Maxine: Not yet.
- Lauren: Grandma, look. Your boyfriend's in the paper.
- Maxine: Lauren, women my age don't have boyfriends. We have suitors and my ex-suitor is in China doing whatever the Mandarin term is for gallavanting.
- Amy: She's right. Here he is.
- Maxine (reads): "International business man Jared Duff spends a light moment with hostess and chairwoman Abigail von Facelift Nosejob." Recycle that. (thrusts newspaper back to Amy)
- Amy: I'll shred it first.
- Maxine: You'd better.
- Maxine: I want to thank you, Sean. Your heart was in the right place.
- Sean: The same thing can be said about my ass.
- Donna: A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, Mahatmas Gandhi or Dr. Phil?
- Amy (to Maxine): You were out late last night. Where'd you go?
- Maxine: An opium den.
- Maxine: Because I have a hate-hate relationship with my computer. Robert, I am not asking, I am telling. Surely you know the difference by now.
Boston Terriers From France
- Amy: [to Maxine] How can I sleep when you're having the loudest nervous breakdown in history?
- Maxine: (to Amy) You want to know what your trouble is? It's always the same thing. It's why you got married when you knew it was a mistake, and it's why you slept with Lauren's karate teacher and God knows who else. You are afraid to be alone. You are. You get married 5 minutes after you graduated law school, and when you divorced Michael, you moved in here 5 minutes after that. And all of this hovering and scolding and policing and signing me up to walk with the New Age Hypochondriacs from Hell, is just another version of you being afraid to be alone. You're stuck to me like pine sap because you're afraid your Mommy's gonna die. You worry about my stress levels when the truth is half the stress in my life comes from you!
- Amy: I think I should move out.
- Maxine: I do too.
- Amy (to Maxine about the Wise Women Walkers): Just try it!
- Maxine: I'd rather snort prune juice up my nose.
- Amy: Well, you can do both.
- Lauren: Are you and Grandma fighting?
- Amy: No.
- Maxine: Yes!
- Lauren: She didn't like The Wise Women Walkers, did she?
- Kyle (after a girl collapses): She's burning up! Call 911!
- Giselle: Are you officially giving me permission to use the phone?
- Kyle: Call 911 NOW!
- Maxine (to Kyle): Are you aware that your library book is 4 months overdue?
- Kyle: That girl stole it. The one who died.
- Maxine: I am sorry.
- Kyle: How do you do it? How do you keep banging your head against the wall every single day without your skull caving in?
- Maxine: Well I certainly have my share of headaches, but the wall has a few lumps as well.
- Kyle: I work my ass off to get to these kids, to bring them in, let them know that it's going to be ok and then they're gone. They run away or they're dead. Well guess what? I'm done. I wil work at Teen Harbor but I am through with the chasing. If they want help they will come in, fill out the forms and they will ask. I'm through going after them, it's not worth it. No wonder I'm smoking so much.
- Maxine: Well, I'm sure you know best. However at this moment you do not know best because if you did, you would shut up! And you would quit using feeling sorry for yourself as an excuse to smoke, and you would know that if you want absolute victories, then you should go back into medicine. We do what we can. We patch them up, send them out there and hope for the best. And we very seldom get it, but we keep going because what the hell else are we going to do?!?
- Maxine (to Sean): When my daughter called you, did you tell her that nobody likes a snitch?
- Sean: Look, I've never pulled rank on you. Mostly because you'd ignore me and I'd back down, but that's just what I'm doing: pulling rank and not backing down. Either you go home right now, or I will fire you. (Maxine laughs) I will.
Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition
- Barry: Why are you cutting so many tethers in your life?
- Amy: Because I feel tethered.
- Maxine: Evidently melodrama has not skipped a generation as I had hoped.
- Amy: You were taking apart her room? Couldn't you have waited until the corpse had cooled?
- Maxine: See? Genetic melodrama.
- Maxine: I need to move this mattress.
- Peter: You said it was an emergency!
- Maxine: Okay, I really need to move this mattress?
- Bruce: [trying to get Amy moving to the courtroom] Momentum requires velocity. Basic physics.
- Amy: If I told you I had two tickets to Spain, what would you say?
- Bruce: When do we leave?
- Peter: I swear to God, if you do this to yourself, I'll have you committed.
- Maxine: They don't do that anymore.
- Peter: Mother, I'm in insurance. I have powers you can't even begin to comprehend. Try me.
- Vincent: It's a little weird. I move away, you just come in and occupy my space?
- Kyle: I know.
- Vincent: A man likes to feel like he's irreplaceable, and bang, he's replaced.
- Kyle: I know.
- Vincent: My old room, my old roommate, my seat at Thursday night dinners. My place in the family.
- Kyle: I know.
- Vincent: You haven't replaced me.
- Kyle: I know!
Come Back Soon
Lost in the System
- Amy: Is this a bad idea?
- Bruce: Very bad.
- Jared (to Maxine): Tell your family I was someone selling vacuum cleaners or God.
Every Stranger's Face I See
The Frozen Zone
- Amy: Your mom died because bad men stole airplanes and flew them into buildings. It's not your mom's fault, it's not your dad's fault, and it's certainly not your fault. If we blame the wrong people, then we help the bad guys, and they've done enough already.
Cause For Alarm
Roses and Truth
- Kyle: You're pregnant.
- Gillian: But... but I don't... get pregnant.
- Kyle: Well, apparently, you do.
- Charles: Can't handle the pressure, Gray?
- Peter: I invented pressure, Duff.
- Charles: That doesn't make any sense.
- Maxine (to Amy): You serve two masters, I don't.
- Amy: You think I should pick one master?
- Maxine: Well of course you're going to have to pick one. My suggestion is you choose the one that puts the sexual predator behind bars.
A Pretty Good Day
- Amy: Any conviction of a misdemeanor and a sentence of less than a year and the INS cannot touch your son.
- Lawyer: So, your honor is admitting that collateral consequences had an effect on your ruling.
- Amy: Yes, my honor is admitting to that.
Boys to Men
- Charles: Am I being threatened by a superior court judge?
- Amy: No, by a daughter who loves her mother, which is way worse. Ask anybody.
- Maxine: They say the first fight you have is the one you'll have for the rest of your lives.
- Jared: That's why I'm marrying Maxine. . .because she's so easy.
- Jared: [holding up a bottle of wine to Maxine and Amy] Shall I decant this or is that just snooty?
- Maxine: Well, a little bit of snoot never hurt anybody.
- Maxine: My father used to say everything will be fine in the end, if it's not fine, then it's not the end.
- [Maxine and Amy have just been arguing about Maxine's decision to move up her wedding date]
- Maxine: I don't think you're facing the real issue here, which is how are we going to survive Gillian's pregnancy?
People of the Lie
Lost and Found
Ye Olde Freedom Inn
- Gillian: Chaos must be tamed, that's my theory.
- Donna: [While discussing Zola's comment about already seeing someone in response to Bruce's offer of a date] Please, her? What kind of guy would throw himself on that buzzsaw?
The Best Interests of the Child
- Lauren: No one asked me what I thought was best.
- Amy: Well no, I guess we didn't.
- Lauren: I like things the way they are, that's what I think is best.
- Maxine: For a job that doesn't pay anything, it certainly has cost me a lot.
- Maxine: [about Sally's current boyfriend] Isn't he gay?
- Sally: Not any more!
- Sean: So... you two know each other?
- Maxine: That's very..observant of you, Sean.
- State's Attorney: Does the "no sarcasm" rule apply only to me?
- Amy: No, and the "no preening and posturing rule" applies to everyone.
- Maxine: Kimberly, keep your bony fingers out of my files or I'll kick your sneaky, conniving ass from here till next September and back again.
- Maxine: You must have a good plastic surgeon, because that nose looks almost real.
- Sally: I should give you the number. [both laugh]
Sixteen Going on Seventeen
- Kyle: I'm a scientist and you're an actuary so this is going to sound very weird for me to say, but sometimes there are more important things than numbers.
- Amy: Isn't suffering part of the pilgrimage experience?
- Stu: Here's something I learned. 'Pilgrimage' is actually just a fancy name for 'crappy vacation'.
- Stu: What? You're gonna to tell me you never went swimming with a judge?
- Sean: [About Eric's birthday] Come on, last year when we took you bowling for your birthday that was awesome. This sucks monkey butt.
- Stu: I'm always amazed at how much you forensic guys can tell by a couple of scratches. You're like those Indian trackers in old westerns that could tell the color of a guy's hair by the way his horse walked through water.
- Judge Nancy Paul: Do you buy suits for all of your charges or just the ones accused of murder?
- Maxine: Are those my only options?
- Judge Nancy Paul: Pretty much.
Looking For Quarters
- Lauren: Mom, you're being ridiculous. This is Peewee hockey. And besides, Grandma played field hockey in school. What's the difference?
- Amy: The difference is that you fall on the field and get a grass stain, you fall on the ice and your head splits open...like a melon!
- Maxine: They do wear helmets.
- Amy: Hey Mom, this is between me and Lauren.
Just Say Oops
- Maxine: AMY!
- Amy: WHAT?
- Maxine: Come out here and let me see it. My wedding, I get to see the bridesmaid's dresses.
- [Amy steps into room, with a scowl on her face]
- Maxine: [laughing] Did you leave your curds and whey in the dressing room?
- Amy: I don't care what Gillian says, I'm not wearing this dress.
- Heather: It's not my fault you decided to throw a juvenile Animal Farm party.
- Kyle: Animal House. You're trying to say Animal House, Animal Farm is a book about socialist barn animals, that would be a very different kind of party.
- Jack: I was hoping you could tell me what the hell is going on?
- Maxine: Well the stock market is shot, but I hear the new Harry Potter book will have fourteen thousand pages.
- Maxine: I've ordered grilled cheese sandwhiches and milkshakes for everyone. The lactose-intolerant can just skip it.
- Lauren (reading her haiku): Jared Duff was tall. He smelled like rain in the yard. He laughed at my jokes.
Picture of Perfect
- Joanne: Now that we're talking about it, what's your position on it?
- Amy: What's my position on the world? I - I'm for it. Go world!
- Donna: Psst! Wanna have lunch?
- Amy: I can't. I have a lunch date.
- Donna: It's not in your calendar. Who're you having lunch with?
- Amy: Stu's mother.
- Donna: Huh?
- Amy: Stu's mother. I'm having lunch with Stu's mother! Are you getting this in the back row? I'm having lunch with Stu's mother! Next case!
- Nurse: Chainsaw accident in room 4. Wife's in the waiting room. She told me to give you these.
- Kyle: Are those fingers?
- Nurse: She thinks she got them all.
- Lily: You miss your little buddy, don't you? Sorry, that came out snottier than I intended it.
Marry, Marry Quite Contrary
Shock and Awe
Ex Parte of Five
- Maxine: [Crying] Sean, if I have a "feeling," it won't be a little one.
- Sean: That's okay, too.
Tricks of the Trade
The Wrong Man
Into the Fire
- Stu: There's a rich history behind this kilt.
- Bruce: Easy there, tiger, don't go showing what's behind the kilt there.
The Long Goodbye
- Maxine: Here's how the world works, Amy. You can leave a man at the altar, or you can have him like you. You can't have both.
- Amy: My life is kind of weird right now.
- Maxine: Yes Amy I've noticed.
- Amy: I'm not just talking about the non-wedding.
Sex and the Single Mother
- Sean: Maxine, there's a reason why they call it 'moonlighting' instead of 'middle-of-the-day lighting.'
- Alan Foster: So, how long have you been with DCF?
- Maxine:157 years... give or take.
- Heather: I want to apologize for being such a passive aggressive bitch the other day.
- Kyle: Actually, you were pretty active aggressive.
- Peter: You brought a date to Walt's christening?
- Gillian: No, ah...
- Peter: What's the matter with you?
- Maggie: [To Nicole] You helped me so much.
- Amy: How has Nicole helped you?
- Maggie: She understands. I've got control now.
- Maxine: I always thought the Methodists were more...uh...understated.
- Minister: We have our moments.
- Maxine: He's my therapist Sean, you wanted me to go to therapy, I'm going. Are you happy now? Would you like to shout it to the world? [shouting] MAXINE GRAY IS IN THERAPY!
- Sean: And not a moment too soon.
- Lauren: How come every time our family goes to church something embarrassing happens?
Dancing in the Dark
Sins of the Father
- Flower Guy: Are you Maxine Gray? These are for Maxine Gray.
- Maxine: I'm Maxine Gray, but there must be some mistake. You see my fiancée used to send me flowers all the time, but he died and I haven't been nice to anyone since then.
- Flower Guy: Well, there must be a card somewhere.
- Maxine:[reads card] I can't accept these, take them back.
- Flower Guy: What's your probelem lady? This is the nicest arrangement in the truck.
- Maxine: These flowers come from a man that I barely know. We spent one night together.
- Flower Guy: You must have made some impression [sees look on Maxine's face] Um. I'll say you weren't home.
- Lauren: Victor and I don’t like the fact that you and his dad are dating.
- Amy: We aren't dating. Going to dinner is not a date. It’s just not.
- Maxine: Amy, I'll be back later.
- Amy: Where are you going mom?
- Maxine: Out to dinner with a friend.
- Amy: Are you going on a date?
- Maxine: No not a date, just dinner with a male companion
- Amy: Dinner with a male companion is a date.
- Maxine: It's not if I say it's not.
- Amy: [to Lauren] It's not the same thing.
- Lauren: [to David] Why did you pick my mom? She dumps people. You know; you were at the wedding.
Werewolves of Hartford
- Ignacio: You know the pimp?
- Maxine: Yes, he's one of my foster pimps. Uh parents.
The Song That Never Ends
- [After Maxine shouts]
- Amy: Mom, are you okay?
- Maxine: [trying not to laugh] Of course, but I am 65 years old, and my boyfriend's mother hates me.
- Prosecutor Harcourt: The only thing that could heal the wound was to steal underwear.
- Maxine: [To Lauren, as the cupcakes burn and the smoke alarm sounds] Cupcakes cause cancer!
The Quick and the Dead
- Gillian: [After their night of speed dating] Peter's looking pretty good right now.
- Donna: Oscar's looking pretty good right now.
- [Both turn and look at Amy]
- Amy: David McClaren's still an ass.
- Kyle: When I die of boredom, you're going to be short a doctor.
- Lauren: God, Mom! You ditched him already? You must have set a new record!
- Kyle: What?
- Todd: I didn't say anything.
- Kyle: And yet, I heard you.
- Amy: [After seeing Father Ted, now known as Teresa, in a skirt and makeup] Thought you'd be shorter...and a guy.
- Maxine: [about Sean's new tie] I think it would very, very good on Jimmy Smits.
- Sean: A bowl of soup would look good on Jimmy Smits.
My Little Runaway
- Amy: [To Lauren, about a trip to the skate park] If you break your arm, I swear to God I'm going to break the other one...[looks at Victor]...then I'm going to come looking for you.
- Victor: Fair enough.
- Amy: [shouting] Lauren...Lauren Cassidy where are you? If you are someplace with your pajamas on talking to Victor I will not be happy!
- Kyle: [Discussing Victor's condition with David and Amy] My best educated guess? I'd say 70/30.
- Amy: That he'll make it.
- Kyle: No.
- Maxine: [about attending Ignacio's mother's birthday party] Let's be honest, the last time she saw me, she called me a prostitute.
- Ignacio: Oh, you understood that?
- Maxine: Si, senor.
- Ignacio: He's telling an 89-year-old woman to go with God?
Sex, Lies and Expedia.com'
- Kyle: [As Maxine cries and Peter, Amy, and Lauren hug her, ignoring Kyle] Okay, next time I have a life-altering epiphany, I'm sharing it with another family.
- Gillian: Are you saying it's over?
- Peter: If I am, Gillian, you have no one to blame but yourself.
- Vincent: Before I ask what's going on out front, I have a more important question. Are Peter and I too old for bunk beds?
- Maxine: [To Ignacio, after finding out he is still married] I've come to a decision. I will be going to China, and you can go to Hell!
- Donna: [Opens envelope, reads letter, and cries] I passed.
- [Amy screams, jumps up from her chair, grabs Donna and hugs her]
- Donna: I'm a lawyer.
- Amy: [To Hector, who just found out his parents are divorcing] Hector, I want you to know something. I want you to hear something. I'm not going to put you away, I'm not going to throw you away. You're not a ghost. I see you...I see you...I see you.
- [Donna is practicing a closing statement in Amy's old, under-construction courtroom, when Amy walks in]
- Amy: You'd rather come in here and pretend to be a lawyer than actually be one?
- Donna: I...I was just fooling around.
- Lauren: [Toasting Kyle at his final dinner with the family] To Cousin Kyle, who taught me to burn CDs and download stuff off the Internet!
- Graciela Reyes: [to Amy] How 'bout I plead hungry and go to lunch?
- Amy: What do you see when you see yourself getting old?
- David: How old?
- Amy: My mom old...
- David: Well there's basketball, mysteries, classics...and you, I see you.
- Amy: Thursday night. Pick a movie. Popcorn and parking on me.
- Maxine: I don't want to go to the movies Thursday.
- Amy: Rent is in town.
- Maxine: I've seen Rent. I pay rent. I'm sick of rent.
- Amy: Bookstore?
- Maxine: Amy?
- Amy: All right! I have a date on Thursday. David's coming over and I'm cooking.
- Maxine: You don't cook.
- Amy: Just because I don't, doesn't mean I can't.
- Maxine: Means you shouldn't.
- Vincent: I'll take 'Amy's Greatest Fear' for 100. What is....You're nothing without the drama?
- Amy: You can't possibly know that!
- Vincent: I'm a closet excitement junkie myself.
- Amy: You think it runs in the family?
- Vincent: Like liberalism and a fear of clowns.
- Amy: [to Lauren] I'm a girl too!
Order and Chaos
- Peter: [about Ned] We're raising a genius!
- Jillian: An adopted genius, nature is a big part of it.
- Peter: So is nurture.
- Bruce: Excuse me, I didn't mean to interrupt, but Ted, the Marshall, just said that your mother was arrested.
- Amy: What!?
- Bruce: Yeah! He thought we knew. I guess it happened this morning.
- Amy: [to Vincent] Jimi Hendrix called and he wants his shirt back.
- [Vincent leaves the room]
- Vincent: [Coming back into the room] Well at least my shirt...
- Amy: It's not a comeback if you have to come back and say it!
Catching It Early
- Maxine: If I told you I was Cheryl Tiegs, would you put me through?
- Dr. Jacobs: Let's see what we have here [begins breast exam]
- Amy: [giggles nervously] Sorry.
- Dr Jacobs: Do you know that you have a rather large mass in your breast?
- Amy: Yup.
- Maxine: [while hallucinating about her mother, sings]
Did you ever go a fishing on a sun-shiny day?
Sit on the bank, till the bank gives way.
With your hands in your pockets,
And your pockets in your pants.
Sit on the bank and do a hoochie-coochie dance.
- Maxine: [When Vincent comes in to see how she's doing] Vincent, I already have a pain in my chest, I don't need a larger one in my ass, too.
The Long Run
- Peter: Gillian...I want to look at you, I want to hold your hand, I want to talk, and then I want to christen the kitchen.
- Gillian: Laundry room.
- Peter: What?
- Gillian: Two words...spin cycle.
You Don't Know Me
- Amy: You know when I turn my chair, you know when I wear pants. It's starting to make the hair on the back of my neck stand up. It's creepy.
- Bruce: What's creepy is that you have hair on the back of your neck.
- Lauren: By the time it's in school I'll be away in college!
Dream a Little Dream
- Amy: [to Jerry] You are a moron of epic proportions.
Hard To Get
- Amy: [to herself in the mirror, wearing Graciela's jacket and cap] You betta step off before I hafta open up a can o' whoop ass.
The Paper War
- Sean: If this social worker thing doesn't work out, maybe I can work as a carpenter like, uh, what's-his-name.
- Maxine: Jesus?
- Sean: I was thinking Harrison Ford, but...
- Rob: [discussing Amy's solution to the "paper war"] How rad, sticking it to the man!
- Bruce: She IS the man.
- Rob: Well, then who are we sticking it to?
- Bruce: My point exactly.
- Amy: [to the State Attorney] You can have your transfer, but you can shove your apology!
The New Normal
Sorry I Missed You
- Diesel: I call this piece bars.
- Another Prisoner: [laughs] Where'd you come up with that one, Dawg?
- Vincent: I was actually going to skip that excercise and slap a bunch of name tags on you, but I thought slapping you might be bad for me.
Revolutions Per Minute
Too Little, Too Late
- Maxine: I've bought cheesecake!
- Lauren: Did you buy non-dairy?
- Maxine: Oh, honey, Grandma doesn't do non-dairy.
My Name is Amy Gray...
- Gillian: You are the best mother of the world and Amy knows this. She has learned everything from you. And I'm proud to be in your family.
- Maxine: Everyone else's mother's always look good.
- Amy: You came!
- Bruce: You called.
- Interior Decorator: Usually I'm so perceptive of people. Come on… what's changed?
- Maxine: Two weeks ago my fiancée died of a heart attack 48 hours before we were to be wed. Also, I've cut my hair.
- Board Member: We're a little concerned that your director is a drug addict.
- Maxine: No, my director is a former drug addict. I myself am a former high school student, and everyone here used to poop in their pants. What's your point?
- Maxine: "Never wear fire for a hat"… I haven't any idea what it means. I read it in a bathroom stall once and it stuck with me.
- Maxine: By the way, I'm getting married a week from Saturday. I expect you to be there.
- Sean Potter: A week from Saturday? Maxine, why are you getting married a week from Saturday?
- Maxine: So I can have sex, Sean. Why else would anyone get married?
- Amy: The only way we do better is by figuring out what we did wrong.
- [Amy has been in bed with the flu for several days.]
- Maxine: Amy? I brought you some chicken soup. How do you feel?
- Amy: Horrible. I've been seeing things. It's like being on acid.
- [Amy notices the look on Maxine's face.]
- Amy: Not that I ever did acid. Uh, you know, I heard about it. Some of my friends told me. Listen, I think I need to go back to bed.
- Amy Brenneman — Amy Gray
- Dan Futterman — Vincent Gray
- Tyne Daly — Maxine Gray
- Kevin Rahm — Kyle McCarty
- Richard T. Jones — Bruce Van Exel
- Marcus Giamatti — Peter Gray
- Jessica Tuck — Gillian Gray
- Karle Warren — Lauren Cassidy
- Jillian Armenante — Donna Kozlowski
- Timothy Omundson — Sean Potter