Kappa Mikey
From Wikiquote
Kappa Mikey (2005 - ) is a parody of Japanese anime.
The series' protagonist is a teenage actor named Michael Alexander Simon ("Mikey Simon" for short) who travels to Japan to star in an anime, where he discovers his new co-stars are all basically walking anime clichés.
Season 1 [edit]
The Switch [edit]
- Yes Man: Housewarming present!
- Ozu: A window.
- [Mikey calls from his home, and his parents answer the phone]
- Ms. Simon: Hi, you've reached the Simon residence. If your message is for Ms. Simon, press 1.
- Mr. Simon: And if it's for me, Mr. Simon, press 2.
- Ms. Simon: And if you're our only child in Japan and you're calling 'cause you're all alone in a big empty room and you miss the comforting sound of another human voice, stay on the line as we read from a list of words chosen at random from the dictionary.
- Mr. Simon: "Vernacular."
- Ms. Simon: "Flibbertigibbet."
- Mr. Simon: "Mortgage."
- Ms. Simon: "Pedal."
- Mr. Simon: "Disenfranchise."
- [Mikey hangs up]
- Mikey: Guess it's just you and me tonight, Mirror.
- Mirror: Speak for yourself. I have plans.
- [The mirror closes itself up]
- [Mitsuki watches as Lily and Mikey are loudly arguing with each other outside of Ozu's apartment. Ozu comes out.]
- Ozu: [annoyed] What are you doing in front of my door?
- Yes Man: Ozu needs Ozu Time!
- Lily: [pointing at Mikey] Ozu, Mikey is like the messiest, most inconsiderate human being ever!
- Yes Man: He is a star that shines too bright!
- Mikey: *She's* the inconsiderate one. She's always nagging me like, "Mi-key, don't eat meals in the shower."
- [Lily starts getting mad]
- Mikey: "Mikey, don't feed the plants people food."
- Lily: HE'S THE WORST ROOMMATE!!
- Mikey: She's the worst roommate!
- Mitsuki: I just keep that diary as a joke!
- [Everybody stares at Mitsuki and crickets chirp; Mitsuki floats away into the elevator]
- Ozu: I understand. Very well. Mikey, you can no longer live with Lily and Mitsuki.
- [Lily laughs evilly to herself while Mitsuki starts to cry]
- Ozu: Lily and Mitsuki will have to move out!
- Mikey: Yes!
- [Lily starts growling]
- Mikey: I mean... ohh?
- Mitsuki: Wait! What about us?
- Ozu: You will live somewhere else!
- [Gong bongs]
- Ozu: Somewhere worse!
- Lily: You've GOT to be joking! There aren't even any other rooms in the building!
- Ozu: Oh, we'll figure something out.
- [Dramatic music plays]
- Guano: [spots the key on Gonard's butt; pointing at the key] Gonard! The key! It's stuck to your butt!
- Gonard: Huh?! Where?!
- [Gonard starts spinning around in circles trying to see the key and starts spinning Guano around too and Guano starts screaming]
Mikey Impossible [edit]
- Guano: You didn't destroy Ozu's bonzai tree with a samurai sword did you?
- Mikey: Uhhh... kinda.
- Mitsuki: Mikey, Ozu's gonna kill you!
- Gonard: He'll send you back to America!
- Guano: He'll cancel the show!
- Mikey: I'll never walk on the moon!
- [Mitsuki, Gonard, and Guano all give confused looks to Mikey]
- Mikey: What? It's been on my mind.
- Lily: Stupid boss awards! Stupid party! Stupid Mikey with his STUPID BONSAI TREE AND HIS STUPID DIAGRAM WITH OZU'S APARTMENT!
- [Suddenly, Lily realizes something]
- Lily: Mikey! He's trying to switch Ozu's bonsai tree! When I tell Ozu, Mikey's finished! [laughs evilly]
- Mikey: I'm sorry about the cameraman.
- Ozu: Cameraman? What cameraman?
- [The scene switches to Yoshi, who is still standing in the same spot covered in poisoned spines]
- Yoshi: Okay, keep calm.
- Robot #1: Answer my riddle to pass. What has 4 legs in the--
- [Mikey walks past anyway]
- Robot #2: What?! He didn't answer the riddle!
- Robot #1: [deep voice] Don't start, Steve!
- Guano: Everyone remember their assignments? I'll go deactivate the alarm!
- Mikey: I'll switch the broken bonsai with the new one!
- Gonard: I'll go make a sandwich in the kitchen!
- [Lily's cellphone rings]
- Lily: Lily speaking.
- Mitsuki: [deep voice] Hello, Lily. My name is Mr. Suzuki.
- Gonard: And I'm Mr. Tadoshiwaroshikopentaru... waki-san. You can call me "Mr.?"
- Mikey: Okay, there has to be a way to replace that stupid bonsai!
- Gonard: It's 500 years old!
- Guano: Listen, I know a guy who knows a guy who knows a botanist who knows a wizard who knows a magical princess who knows a...
- Mitsuki: I just ordered one on Tree Trade.
- Guano: But I... always Tree Trade!
Ship of Fools [edit]
Mikey : When i will get the game i will be like (does game stuff , and then suddenly he bumps into a fake mikey) Mikey : Sorry Bout That !
Fake Mikey : No Worries My Man !
(each mikey walks away and look to each other , and the fake mikey goes to mitsuki and lily and guano)
Mitsuki : There you are mikey !
Fake Mikey : oh ? Oh yeah Here i am ! Mikey Simon
Lily : Why are you wearing sunglasses ?
Fake Mikey : Because Your Beauty is Blinding (lily likes what he said , and mitsuki gets a bit angry)
Fake Mikey : Say , how bout some ice cream ? i know this jord next door .. if you're intrested ?
Mitsuki : You dont want the new video game ?
Fake Mikey : Video games are for kids !
- lily and mitsuki shocked*
Fake Mikey : Now who want ice creams shaped in clowns ?
Guano : I do ! *raises hand*
Fake Mikey : Not This Time Pal , And Shine your shoes Kid , You Look A Mess *Walks Away*
Guano : I .. dont even have shoes
Saving Face [edit]
- Socky: Stay socky!
- Gonard: Relax Mikey, it's just a dimple.
- Guano: Not a dimple, Gonard. A pimple.
- Gonard:.....You're a monster!!!
- Lily: Be honest, Mitsuki. Did I lose my endorsement to Socky because I'm not beautiful anymore?
- Mitsuki: That's crazy! You look great! Doesn't she, mirror?
- Mirror: Looking great, Gonard.
Lost in Transportation [edit]
- Beef: You ain't going nowhere.
- [an alarm sounds]
- Gang member: Grammar police! You aren't going anywhere.
- Beef: Man, the Grammar Police is always doggin me...
- (This is said on occasion by the Chums)
- Chums: Chums! Chum it up! Ssssssss...
- Ozu: [to Lily] Have you talked to Mitsuki? Did she find Mikey?
- Lily: Not yet, but Gonard says he has a back up plan
- Gonard: (to the children) Maybe one day, you'l all be supeheroes when you grow up. Isn't that right, Mikey?
- [A cat is dressed as Kappa Mikey and starts attacking Gonard]
The Fugi-Kid [edit]
- Prosecutor: Ozu, do you think Mikey stole the coat?
- Ozu: If Mikey says he didn't take the coat, I believe him.
- Prosecutor: But didn't Mikey destroy your precious 500 year old bansai tree, then lie about it?
- Ozu: Yes! [voice building with anger]
- Prosecutor: And did he buy a pirated video game when you told him not to?
- Ozu: Yes! [saying very angrily]
- Prosecutor: And didn't he reveal Lilymu's secrets to the press?
- Ozu: Yes! [saying with fury as he catches on fire]
- Mikey: That was a good one.
- Prosecutor:Let the records show that Ozu is surrounded by flame.
- [Yes Man douses Ozu with an extinguisher]
- Judge: Mr. Simon, In light of this terrible crime and the fact that you BROKE MY GAVEL. I sentence you to life in prison.
- Yes Man: HE'LL NEVER SURVIVE!
- (It has been proven that Mikey was framed, but the police finds him in Lilymu Towers. The gang are all in Gonard's apartment.)
- Gonard: Friends stick together. (outside to the police) Mikey's with us! If you arrest him, you have to arrest all of us!
- Detective: Fine. You're all under arrest.
- (Mikey, Lily, Mitsuki and Guana slap their foreheads in disbelief)
- Gonard: You'll have to come and get us!
- Detective: Fine. We'll come and get you.
- (Mikey, Lily, Mitsuki and Guana slap their foreheads in disbelief)
- Gonard: Take the elevator! From my experience, it's faster.
- Detective: Fine. We'll take the elevator.
- (Mikey, Lily, Mitsuki and Guana slap their foreheads in disbelief)
Mikey Likes It (Garbage) [edit]
- Gonard: (while under a fallen tower of ice) I think I broke one of my livers.
- Lily: You only have one liver.
- Gonard: How many do I need to live?
- Lily: One.
- Gonard: ...I'm in trouble.
- Mikey: (sees a pile of rotting garbage) Ew. Good luck recycling that.
- (Garbage goes through a machine and comes out as a bouquet of roses)
- Mikey: So that's where those come from.
- [Ozu pits Lily and Gonard together as Tokyo's newest celebrity couple]
- Lily: EW! I can't date Gonard, he's... (looks to see Gonard blowing his nose with the table cloth)...Gonard!
- Gonard: Yeah, I can't date Gonard! He's way out of my league!
- (Gonard walks into the Finest Restaurant in Tokyo carrying a small bouquet of roses. A lady walks up to him)
- Woman #1: (sympathetically) I am so sorry.
- (Gonard is confused)
- Woman #2: Just because she's famous, she shouldn't treat you that way.
- (Gonard's more confused. A man then comes up with tears in his eyes. He hugs Gonard tightly and cries)
- Crying man: You'll always have the memories!
- Gonard: Why is everyone confusing me with some loser who got dumped by a celebrity girlfriend?
- Lily: [hesistant] Gonard, listen. Ozu told me we need to generate even more publicity.
- Gonard: Okay, I'll do it. (puts on a blonde beehive-style wig) Anything for the show.
- [Lily and Gonard have been "split up" by Guano]
- Guano: What makes you think she would choose you over me anyway?
- Gonard:(Talking while eating spaghetti) Because I am a gentleman!
- Man: Excuse me, that's my food.
- Gonard: (Still with mouth full) AND IT IS DELICIOUS!
- Mikey: If I broke this vase, you'de want me to replace it, right? Well, think of this vase as your irreplacable memories. (drops it on the ground and breaks)
- Mitsuki: (tearing up) I made that vase when I was four.
- Mikey: And I'll replace it!
- [Ozu and Lily look on as Gonard and Guano prepare to duel each other]
- Ozu: I don't think this is a good idea.
- Lily: Relax, they do this all the time...
- (Flashbacks of Gonard and Guano's previous duels are shown, such as hitting each other with paddles while in Colonial costume, banjo play-offs in Old Western clothing, and breakdance-offs in hip-hop clothes)
- Gonard: Ready?
- Guano: (puts on a pirate hat) Ready. Enguard!
- (They start pelting each other with water balloons)
- (Mikey leaves a note on the back of Mitsuki's photo album, apologizing for all he's done
- Mikey's voice: Dear Mitsuki, I'm sorry I lost your pictures...
- (Mitsuki has a sorrowful look on her face)
- Mikey's voice: ...and I'm sorry I lied to you...
- (Mitsuki has a mean look on her face)
- Mikey's voice: ...and I'm sorry I broke your microwave...
- (Mitsuki has a look of disbelief on her face)
- Mikey's voice: ...I put tinfoil in it because I thought it would make it shoot lightening at people...
- (Mitsuki has an annoyed look on her face)
- Mikey's voice: ...I probably didn't need to tell you that last thing. Oh well, too late now.
Kappa Mikey Pilot [edit]
- Ozu: I...HATE...CARDS!
- Gonard: (shoes on his hands) Check out my laced gloves! Hey, where'd my shoes go?
- Ozu: This is for you.
- (Mikey opens the box and sees a pack of Kappa Mikey trading cards)
- Mikey: Cards?...Mikey Simon cards!
- Ozu: Let's just keep this between you and me.
- Mikey: I thought we weren't using cards
- Guano: These are not cards. They're....ACTION TIME FUN SQUARES!
- Simon: Look, kid. I'll make this short because I don't care about hurting your feelings. YOU...CANT...ACT!
- Mikey: Uh, did you see the headshots?
Easy Come, Easy Gonard [edit]
- Guano: I'm not a doll!
- Mr. Tatami: That's what all our dolls are programmed to say.
- Guano toys: I'm not a doll! I'm not a doll! I'm not a doll! (repeatedly)
Splashomon [edit]
- Mikey: It's true, I did it.
- Yes-Man: I haven't eaten in weeks!
- Mikey: Anyway, After the game I picked up Gonard. We ran into a little trouble on the way to Ozu's but it was nothing we couldn't handle.
- Mikey: (In flash back) Those Aliens have been tailing us since Montoya Blvd.
- Gonard: (In flash back) I'm on it! {Fires lazer)
- Mikey: (In flash back) Wooooo ha ha ha!
(end of flashback)
- Gonard: (Hand on heart) True Story.
Lily Meow [edit]
- Ozu: What should we do with the cat?
- Lily: Fire him!
- Mitsuki: Deport him!
- Cat Burgler: May I suggest a stir fry?
- Cat Burglar: You know the expression, 'There's only one way to skin a cat'? Actually, there's only one way, with this. (Pulls out a bizarre looking machine with a hook, knife, sickel, and another blade all spinning simultaneously)
Big Trouble in Little Tokyo [edit]
- Gonard: Rurr Rurr!
- Ozu: Very Good!
(Beast Gonard grabs Ozu)
- Ozu: Very Bad!
The Good, the Bad, and the Mikey [edit]
Mikey: W'ever
Guano: Mikey, you have to do what the script says!
Mikey: Script is just a prison, made of words.
Ozu(later):You must go back to being the old Mikey and be a good example for kids.
Mikey: W'ever.
Ozu: You have to do what I say! I'm your boss!
Mikey: Boss is just a prison, made of skin.
Ozu: That dosen't make any sense!
Mikey: Well, not to a fossil like you.
Big Brozu [edit]
Brozu (to Lily): Your daddy must be a doctor, cuz you are the sickest girl I ever saw.
Brozu (to Mikey): I thought we waz tight!
Mikey: We were tight, but I gotta do this bro. . . for my homezees, and for Ozu!
Battle of the Bands [edit]
Yes Man: There's no going back now!
Robot: I know, I know...
Reality Bites [edit]
Ozu: That was the worst thing I have ever seen!
Guano: It was just getting to the good part...?
Lily (reading the script): "I am going to fight you"? "We are fighting now"? "Thank you for fighting me in the face"?
Gonard: If that's not sophisticated enough, then call me unsophisticated (begins to pick his nose and ears simultaneously)
Gonard (going through a photo album): This is me wrestling aligators. Oh, and this is me playing ping-pong on the moon. And this is when I invented penecillan at the prom.
Mikey: These are all just you holding sandwiches.
Gonard: Jealous?
- Guano: Can I say something? I think Lily's a big fake! With her fake being nice for the camera, and her fake pancakes, and her fake eyebrows!
Lily: This whole show is fake! This isn;t even my real room! It's a set!
Guano: Lily's so full of herself! Plus, she's kind of has a mustache. Lily: This isn't the confesstion room!
La Cage Aux Mikey [edit]
Lily: Well, if you really are Mikey's parents, then you must know a lot about him.
Guano: When's Mikey's birthday?
Gonard: What's Mikey's name?
Mitsuki: (mimical gestures while an accordian plays in the background)
With Fans Like These... [edit]
- Gonard: Sorry I'm late; I had to get beat up by some nerds. Ready?
- Lily: Yeah. Remember, you're good cop, I'm bad cop.
- Gonard: Got it. So, Guano, how would you like a punch in the gut?
- Lily: [Through teeth] Gonard! Good cop!
- Gonard: I mean, how would you like a kiss...in the gut?
- [Guano looks confused.]
- Lily: [Shouting] You're gonna do our subliminal messages or else!
- Guano: [Angry] Or else what?
- Gonard: [Holding a small harp] Or else I'm gonna sing you the sweetest love song you ever heard!
- [Singing] Guano! Sweet Guano!
- [Guano looks horrified.]
- Gonard: Fuzzy little guy I love so much,
- Jewel in the chest,
- So fun to touch!
- Guano, sweet Guano...
- Guano: Uh...
- Gonard: Guano, sweet Guano! Corazón bo bo bo...
The Man Who Would be Mikey [edit]
- Man: Hey, my newspaper!
- Ozu: Hey, my Yes Man!
Uh Oh Guano [edit]
Guano: (to a cactus) Chester! Would you please be quiet?!
("Chester" says nothing)
Guano: Don't back-sass me!
The Phantom of the Soundstage [edit]
Like Ozu, Like Son [edit]
Gonard: M...O...G!
LaFemme Mitsuki [edit]
The Order of the Oni [edit]
- Guano: Ozu is world's strongest man!
A Christmas Mikey [edit]
- Mikey: Gonard! You're not evil!
- Gonard: Thanks, I've been using a new deoderant.
- Ozu: Eat the stocking... EAT IT! (shoves christmas stocking in Yes-man's mouth)
Mikey, Dr. Takashi Katashi and the Worm [edit]
- Mikey and Dr. Takashi: Aaaaaaaaaaaah!
- Dr. Takashi: You were right and I was wrong. I was wrong, wrong, wrong. Are ya happy now?
- Mikey: I knew it!
