Karl Pilkington

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Karl Pilkington (born September 23, 1972 in Manchester, England) is an English radio producer known for producing the Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant radio show on XFM. Best known for his part in the Ricky Gervais podcast. Two commercials for the PSP console are now airing in the UK that Pilkington has recorded voice-overs for.

Contents

[edit] Attributed

  • You won't get anything done by planning.
  • If you haven't got eyes you shouldn't have wings.
~ In connection with Karl's objections to moths - apparently they don't have eyes.
  • Look What We Can Do With Science!
~ The W.I.P name of Karl's idea for a new TV show, where human body parts/organs are removed and replaced by robotic substitutes.
  • Whether it's a potato or a nut, it's a foodage
  • What were the things in Gremlins called?
  • How would I know which one I was?
~ The reply to Stephen Merchant when asked if he had a clone for one day, what would he do with it.
  • Do it once, do it properly, get to sleep. The end result's always the same, so why drag it out?
~ On people who "go at it all night"
  • Ya seeing that far because there's nothing in the way, ya lookin' at nothin', space is nothin', what ya lookin' at? They say, What do they say? I don't know.
  • Don't be chuckin' stuff about, if you're surrounded by glass an' what have ya.
~ Karl's translation of the saying "People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones"
  • People who live in glass houses have to answer the door.
~ Karl said this while discussing the glass house metaphor based on his inaccurate interpretation of it.
  • I know I'm about 'cause I dream.
~ Karl's apparent summarizing of the phrase "I think therefore I am" "Cogito ergo sum" (Latin) - René Descartes.
  • Never go to the doctor's, unless its really bad.
~ Karl's thoughts on keeping healthy.
  • Sort of a little story told quickly.
~ Karl's definition of "Analogy"
  • You don't have to do it straight away, but just do it before it gets really bad.
~ Karl's understanding and then dismissal of the phrase"A stitch in time, saves nine" - Anonymous.
  • Don't go chuckin' that out, you might need that later.
~ Karl's translation of the saying "Waste not, want not" - Benjamin Franklin.
  • It wouldn't happen...there hasn't been one publication by a monkey.
~ Expressing his disbelief regarding Infinite Monkey theorem.
  • It's big, but there's nothing there. It's like the Millenium Dome.
~ Karl's view on why space isn't interesting.
  • There's this hairy Chinese kid.
  • It was bacteria, fish, mermaid, man, onwards and what have you.
~ Karl ponders the stages of man's evolution.
  • How can you freeze time?
  • I could eat a knob at night.
  • Were those presents the three kings brought Jesus for Christmas or his birthday?
  • And that bloke who was in the rocket, right, he was the loneliest man ever...in the world.
  • I just like odd stuff.
~ Karl gives a reason for his fascination with "freaks"
  • Even caveman had little pants on when you see footage of them.
  • I don't want to be bungled in.
  • Cheer someone up, have a laugh with them, make their day and that.
~ Karl's alternative Christmas message of 2005.
  • Elephant Man's coming in? Right, get some more buns in.
  • I scored once, and that's only because I was being chased by a bee.
~ Karl's most vivid memory of playing football at school.
  • They go from building to building, just building.
~ On builders.
  • Why is it alright to be goin' around going mental with a gun shooting all the monkeys and killin' em? 'Cause one day, we're gonna run out.
  • Before we got here, were there people whose eyes were looking in their head?
  • You never see a black ghost, do you?
  • One day, you'll be able to wake up and eat a yoghurt you can have a chat with.
  • Why didn't evolution give them genes to make them good at carpentry then, so they could build a ladder instead of growing long necks?
~ On the the evolution of the giraffe.
  • Who's it for, at the end of the day?
~ On marriage.
  • The cafe was called "Tattoos". The fella who owned it didn't have any tattoos... but we never saw his wife.
~ In Karl's Diary.
  • Yeah, but you never sort of see a thirty-five year old one.
~ On how Chinese people don't age well.
  • If you saw an old fella eating a Twix, you would think, "that's a bit weird innit?"
  • They say they've got a new Pope, he's hardly new is he?
  • Knowledge is almost annoying.
  • Knowledge is hassle.
  • It wouldn't have happened if he hadn't have been on holiday.
~ On the death of Plato, who was apparently (according to Karl) killed when he was on a beach, and a bird dropped its egg to "let the kids out" on Plato's head, the reason being that the bird thought Plato's bald head was a rock. Karl seems to have confused Plato with the Greek playwright Aeschylus, who according to legend was killed when an eagle, mistaking his bald head for a rock, dropped a turtle on him.
  • It's 2006, why are they still using the index finger?
~ Karl on digital prostate examinations.
  • I once laughed myself to sleep, because I couldn't believe my luck.
~ Karl on the joy of going to bed when he was a kid.
  • I haven't had decent sleep since I was twelve.
  • If you can't treat a cheerful tramp, what sort of tramp can you treat?
  • What I mean is, I don't know what I mean.
  • A slug is always on its own. It's a lonely insect.
  • Stay green, stay in the woods, and stay safe.
~ Karl's advice to chameleons.
  • Don't go out of your way.
~ Karl's advice on keeping female partners happy.
  • Treat the world like a head.
~ Karl on global warming.
  • Just pop it on your wrist.
~ Karl's response to Gervais when he questioned how Karl's idea (a wristwatch that counted down your life) would work.
  • I'd kick it, and I'd say, "knob'ead".
~ Karl's response to being attacked by a killer octopus.
  • It's all about a gorilla and a fox walking through the woods - how often does that happen?
~ Karl on Aesop's Fables.
  • I will not be licking a little frog's head. When it's alive or when it's dead.
~ In reaction to learning that eating or licking a poison arrow tree frog will result in death, as it has enough poison to kill 1000 men.
  • The coldness gets rid of the badness.
~ The reason Karl put an ashtray on his stomach to stop his bellyache.
  • They're sort of old cold.
~ Why Karl chose an ashtray to put on his stomach to alleviate bellyache.
  • What do you mean about eyes facin' foreward? Was there a time when they were looking inside our heads?
~ In response to Ricky talking about evolution.
  • If we didn't have planes an' that would we have wings now?
~ Wondering if humans have altered evolution.
  • Why is everyone always going back to Latin? It was ages ago.
  • A bit of guess work is pretty close to the truth most the time.
  • Jellyfish: they're 97% water, give 'em another 3% and make 'em water.
  • If you haven't bungee-jumped by the time you're 78 you're not going to.
  • It's a book full of words innit?
~ on the definition of the word dictionary.
  • The problem was I was still using me eyes even though I had 'em shut.
~ Karl on why an experiment with alternative medicine didn't work.
  • 'Cause me mam told me that there was one, that it was that big that it had rough areas on it.
~ Karl on the size of passenger ships.
  • I dont like fun
~ Karl on the 'so called' organised fun of christmas and other national holidays
  • If on the british TV show, "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner", where the person can choose six guests and invite them to a dinner party - living, dead or fictitious. Karl's guests would be:
  1. Elvis - "Just good, weren't he? And he could sing us a song"
  2. Joseph (John) Merrick (a.k.a. The Elephant Man) - "(Talk to him) when Elvis isn't on stage."
  3. Peter Kay - "I wanna be sat next to him, he's just brilliant, ain't he?"
  4. That fella who lost his arm when he was climbing a mountain. "I'd just like to have a chat with him."
  5. Ellen MacArthur (world record for the fastest solo circumnavigation of the globe) - I want to ask her parents why they sent her off in a boat, on her own."
  6. Kym Marsh of Hear'Say fame - "cause I need another woman for (Ellen) to talk to"

[edit] Karl's Diary

As read by Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant.

[edit] Excerpt 1 [Gran Canaria]

Going on holiday to Gran Canaria toady, woke up to news that Tony Banks had died. There was a piece on the news about how everyone was shocked. Got me thinking, about an invention that'd be good... a watch that counted down your life. If it says you've got three days left... go to the doctor's.

Told Suzanne about invention, she said she wouldn't buy one but she said that about the iPod.

The flight to Gran Canaria was a bit bumpy, I thought about the clock that counts down your life again and I wondered whether it would know if you were going to die in a disaster.

A fella on the plane was reading Koi Mag. It was a fishing magazine. I glanced over and noticed he was reading the "Pond Of The Month" article... don't think they could make it into a weekly magazine.

There was a really fat bloke on the plane... he was playing on a PSP. While I was waiting to go to the toilet, I looked at what game he was playing. It was darts. He's that fat and lazy... he can't play a more active game on a games console.

Me and Suzanne got off the coach along with a couple of old people. One of them was in a wheelchair. I don't think it was wise of them to come to a volcanic island with a wheelchair... everywhere's pretty rough paving and sloping. Guess I'll keep an eye on it as the weeks go on.

Day 2 in Gran Canaria... the hotel's a bit odd, I've never seen as many cross-eyed people in one location.

While I sat listening to The Kinks on m iPod, I wondered if everybody thinks in their accent. I know I do.

Had lunch inside today due to shite weather. Sat next to an old fella. Old peoples ears and noses carry on growing as they get older. Suzanne noticed his fingers were fat too. Maybe they continue to grow. Suzanne didn't laugh when I said her arse had the same problem.

Day 3... cloudy start to the day. Had pie and chips in a cafe. Had a bit of an argument with Suzanne when I said it was daft we were paying for food when we were on an all inclusive holiday. Changed my mind when I saw they sold pie though. the cafe we were in was called "Tattoos", the fella who owned it didn't have any tattoos, but we never saw his wife.

Had a drink in a bar, everyone sat and watched one of the local cat lick it's bollocks.'

Went back to the hotel and had a sleep before tea. Woke up to news about ducks being badly treated. There was a really ugly one with bent legs.

There was a fat bloke from Bolton, who is in the pool as I write this. He's got a big tattoo on his back but I can't work out what it is... he just got out of the pool and burped.

There was a big fat fella in the sea who kept his T-shirt on. If you're big and fat, is there more chance of you getting burnt because there is more of you on show? I asked Suzanne, and she said she "didn't know" in that sort of not listening kind of way. I wanted to hang around and see if the fat bloke was going to get in the kayak... but Suzanne said we had to head back.

We go home today, so we got up early to get the last bit of cloud.

[edit] Excerpt 3

went and did the podcast. We had a meeting after. I don't like meetings, as i can't keep focused on what people are talking about. I think ricky has the same problem as after 25 minutes he was trying to wrestle me. I tried to do what spiders do and stayed still as if i was dead. But ricky just stayed on top of me, not moving. A bit like when you see one of those big snakes swallowing a sheep. Ricky got bored and released me. I went home thinking why had i left me old job for this.
a homeless man asked me fo some money but i didn't feel like i should treat him as i felt that he'd probably had a better day than me.
suzanne called me to say she'd gone for a haircut and that she'd meet me in the supermarket. I went to to the supermarket but she wasn't there. I called her and she said she was near the fruit aisle. I went to the fruit aisle and she wasn't there. Turns out she was in a different supermarket on the other side of town and that if id've listened to her properly i'd've known that. I didn't want to say that i hadn't heard her properly 'cause my ears were ringing a bit from the wrestling from earlier.
25 minutes later i met up with suzanne. Her haircut wasn't that bad. Normally her haircut's are followed by an argument between us as she pays over the odds for some daft haircut that’s the latest style. I wish she'd take in a picture out of a magazine or ask for a style rather than letting the hairdresser do what she wants. I said i only tell her to do this, as she's got a square head and a close cut hair-do makes it look squarer. She said, "what do you think of this cut?" i said it looked alright as i couldn't be bothered arguing about it.
it's weird writing a diary. I don't know who thought of doing one of these first. The last time i did one was at school. They used to get you to do it so they could keep an eye on whatever you were up to. My diary used to say the same thing every night: "got home, went to the shop to get potatoes, bread, milk. Went home, watched telly, went to bed".
i think i might've gone to twiggy's dance club just so i had something different to write. As there were more problems happening on the estate they started to add saturday’s and sunday’s to the school diary to keep an eye on what we were doing at the weekend. I struggled to fill it on a sunday as the shop i got potatoes and bread from was shut on a sunday.
i had to go over to shepherds bush to meet someone. There was a badly burnt man on the tube. It's amazing how the body can continue through quite a lot of bad stuff. It got me thinking about how much you could remove in your body, one by one, without dying. If it was a competition, the cockroach would win as it can live for a week without a head.
got some post delivered to me today. It was addressed to "mr. Dilkington". I opened it and the first sentence read "dear mr. K. Dilkington, you are one of our most valuable customers". I put it in the bin.
thought i would learn some new words as steve always says i don't use enough different words. I read in the fortean times that the word "wewe" means: an ugly female ghost with drooping breasts. I think i’m right when i say there are too many words in the world. I don't think i will get round to using the word "wewe".
watched a health program. Wasn't watching it properly but heard some doctor say that we only get so many heart beats in a life time so don't do too much exercise. I told suzanne and she said that i probably hadn't heard it right. We got talking about death. Suzanne said she didn't like thinking about it. I said she might end up being a wewe. I was chuffed, as i'd managed to use my new word.
i went to the supermarket to get tonight’s tea. On the way i stopped and looked in the fishmongers at all the different fish they had in the window. There was a newspaper clipping stuck on the glass about a two headed fish that they've made in taiwan. I don't see the point in doing this as a fish with two heads ain't going to solve the worlds hunger problems as the head is the bit you throw away. Invent a fish with two bodies and i'd say, "well done".
suzanne watched one of her favourite t.v programmes. I've told her that the telly only goes on if there's something she wants to watch. If there's nothing on she has to talk to me about stuff i’ve learnt. Like descartes. Watched a program on him the other day. He is the one who said something like "i know i'm about 'cause i dream". Doesn't work for everything 'cause ants don't sleep. I don't know if i’d like that or not.

[edit] Karl's Quizshows

On his show with Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant on the London radio station 'XFM', Karl had several quizshows, the most popular and long-running being "Rockbusters" (where a band's name is turned into a "cryptic" [or "craptic", as Merchant put it] clue and has to be guessed) and "Songs of Phrase" (where Karl takes a popular phrase from the show and makes a cut-and-paste-like sound bite, using parts of different songs, which consequently have to be guessed).

Examples for Songs of Phrase

"There's this Hairy Chinese Kid." "And you never see an old man eat a Mars Bar" "Daddy's never gonna stop robbing from telephone box." "My neighbour had a horse in a house." "No more cheeky freak of the week." ("Cheeky Freak of the Week" was another feature of the radio show.) "I know you're just sixteen, but looking all of twenty-one, that's because Chinese look older." "Galileo, don't talk to me about science, please make me television."



[edit] Karl's Poems

[edit] "If moths had eyes..."

If moths had eyes
Would they be happier?
How do they know they're not dead?
Cave-men hunting for food
But not before they style the hair on their head.
What would last longer in dinosaur times?
A blind man didn't stand a chance
Not with all them rocks about
I'd rather be a blind moth.

[edit] Bubbled Wallpaper

Bubbled wallpaper
What a mess
Washer-dryer knackered
What a mess
Siamese twins separated
One leg less

[edit] Ode to a Nephron

I don't like jellyfish
They're not a fish, they're just a blob
They don't have eyes, fins or scales
Like a cod
They float about blind
Stinging people in the seas
And no-one eats jellyfish with chips and mushy peas
Get rid of 'em

[edit] Jellyfish Trifle

It would be spiteful
To put jellyfish
In a trifle

[edit] Me Belly-Ache

For god's sake, me belly-ache
The doctor said it's me kidney
He said he's got to stick a tube up me knob
I said you've gotta be kidding me
For god's sake, knob-ache

[edit] Me Ward

Me, a Chinese fella and an old bloke who looked like Mr. Burns from "The Simpsons",
Don't know what was wrong with him,
But breaking wind was the symptoms.
No one visited him or called him,
He seemed quite lost to me,
As well as wind problems,
He had a colostomy.
When I left I said "see ya" to the old man,
Turned out the other fella wasn't Chinese,
He was from Japan

[edit] About Karl Pilkington

  • I have seen him blossom from an idiot into an imbecile Ricky Gervais

[edit] External links

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