Kitchen Nightmares (uncensored)

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For the good clean version of the same series, see Kitchen Nightmares.

Kitchen Nightmares is a reality TV series on FOX where Chef Gordon Ramsay visits failing restaurants across America and tries to help them turn around. It aired its first episode on September 19, 2007.

Kitchen Nightmares and all related episodes and quotes are a copyright of A. Smith & Co. Productions, ITV Studios and Fox Broadcasting Company. The users, editors, administrators, nor founders of the Wikimedia Foundation do not claim ownership nor authorship of the contents on this page. The contents of this page are meant for reference purposes only. Neither Wikiquote nor its parent company, The Wikimedia Foundation, have any affiliation with A. Smith & Co. Productions, ITV Studios and Fox Broadcasting Company, or its parent company, News Corp, in any way, shape, or form.

Contents

Season 1[edit]

Peter's [1.01][edit]

[Showing Peter and the others the walk-in]

Gordon: When was the last time you went inside the walk-in fridge?
Peter: I had a hot flash last week.
Gordon: A hot flash?! What does that mean?
Peter: I mean, I was like, hot and I walked in here for a second.

John: Peter's like one of those guys who eats out a lot, so he assumes he knows about cooking in restaurants. He has no clue about the kitchen.

[In the middle of the lunch rush!]

Peter: Can someone get me Tina, please? I need orange juice.
Gordon: You want Tina to stop now and get you a glass of orange juice?!
Peter: Don't I have anybody that can get me orange juice?
Gordon: Peter. Look at me. Fuck yourself.

[Day four, 5:30pm, thirty minutes before relaunch.]

Narrator: With the doors about to open, Gordon gathers the staff for a quick chat.
Gordon: Right, tonight is a critical, crucial night.
[A bill collector appears on the doorstep.]
Gordon: Are you with us, or are you...
Bill collector: No, I'm just waiting for him (Peter).
Gordon: Okay, but we're really busy right now.
Narrator: Once again, Peter's has a bill collector on its doorstep.
Gordon: (to bill collector) You are interfering, that's what I'm saying. Now get out of the way. Would you mind...
Bill collector: I'm interfering? You gotta wait two minutes. I gotta talk.
Gordon: Get out of the way.
Bill collector: What?
Gordon: Why don't you get out of the way so we can go on?
Bill collector: You get out of the way. Don't worry about it, I'm talking to him.

Dillon's [1.02][edit]

(Day two, 11:55 a.m. - kitchen inspection)
Narrator: Having discovered the terrible conditions in the kitchen, Gordon now ventures down to the basement to check out what's lurking below.
Gordon: What's that smell?
(Gordon finds a rat trap.)
Gordon: What?!! (to Mohammed) What is that? Is that for rats or mice?
Mohammed: This is food for to catch a rat.
Gordon: So we have got rats here.
Mohammed: Rat is all over the place.
(Gordon moves aside a refrigeration unit, then notices droppings underneath the unit.)
Gordon: That's rat droppings. Look at them all, everywhere.
Mohammed: Rats.
Gordon: Rats. Oh my good God.
(Gordon notices some cockroaches.)
Gordon: Look at the cockroaches.
(Gordon opens a cardboard box.)
Gordon: Oh my God, look. I've got one in my fucking hair, that's cockroaches. The box is full of them.
(Gordon opens another cardboard box.)
Gordon: Look, look at them all.
(Gordon opens the refrigeration unit.)
Gordon: Oh my God, look. There they are, there in the refrigeration. Oh fuck. Oh my God. Oh no. LOOK AT THAT! Oh my God, look at it. (to Mohammed) There you go, there you go.
Mohammed: (interview) I was shocked. It's like a nightmare.

Gordon: (finds a half tomato) When's that from? That's been sliced. That's gone out. What is that --where is it-- hey madam, where's that tomato gone?
(the other half is being served on a dish in the dining room.)
Gordon: (digging through the slugs in the tomato.) Look! It's fucking rotten, you fucking idiot! IT'S ROTTEEEEEEEEN!! Has a customer just been served a slice of tomato?!!
Server: No, no, no.
Gordon: So where is it?!!
Andrew: (interview) Oh my god.
(A customer starts eating the other half of the tomato.)
Martin: (interview) Things are looking pretty glum.

Gordon: No one is getting served from this fucking restaurant tonight! Let's make that clear! Yes or no? Anyone against that?
Andrew: No.
Gordon: No, good.
Martin: (interview) That didn't go down too good. He was extremely angry and extremely pissed off.
Gordon: We are not...ever...again serving any of this food. I don't give a fuck what anyone says. Can you go and tell them that the kitchen is closed? Right now! Out there and tell them the truth! Tell them now!
Andrew: (interview) Gordon was so outraged. So angry. I've never seen anything like it.
Gordon: (who can be heard in the dining room) FROM GREEN BURGERS, TO FUCKING FURRY CUCUMBERS, TO FUCKING RANCID POTATOES!!!

The Mixing Bowl [1.03][edit]

[The New York Dragons were not on the reservation list thanks to Mike]
Lisa: (interview) The Dragons were supposed to be on that list and Mike just forgot!
Lisa: How is that missed? How is that overlooked?
Mike: Someone-- the dragons just...
Lisa: Mike, that's what I'm saying.
Mike: I'm not sure what transpired.
Lisa: (interview) It was so upsetting. The was no Dragons on there!
Gordon: My god. For me, it's the most important table. That's embarrassing.
Lisa: You're overlooking extremely important things!
Mike: I was not told about the Dragons. I found out...
Lisa: Well, why do you keep saying that?
Mike: (losing it) Because I wasn't!! I wasn't told!!
Lisa: Excuse me, do not talk to me like that!
Mike: I was told at 7:00 this morning. THAT IT!!! Seriously, I'm pissed off!! DRAGONS ON THE PAPER!!! I'm pissed off!! Not my fault!! Dragons over here, I put them on at 7:00. COULD WE PLEASE MOVE ON?!!! THAT'S IT!!! NOT MY FAULT!!!

Seascape Inn [1.04][edit]

Gordon: (after tasting the crab cakes) They've got it wrong on the menu. It's not a crab cake. It's a crap cake. Because if I eat anymore, I'll be busy crapping for the next hundred and five years.

Gordon: Twice baked potato. Thank fuck I missed that one twice.

Gordon: (finding frozen ravioli that he had for lunch) Bingo. These were my fresh lobster ravioli. Fresh? My fucking arse. I've eaten this shit!

Gordon: (finding pesto) Oh, fucking hell. So that's the pesto I had for lunch. Just look at the colors in there. Look at that, it's moldy.

Gordon: This is ten thousand times worse than I thought it would be.

Gordon: (to Peter) This is not a time - hey - to laugh and take a fucking piss out of me. I've eaten this shit. What's going on, Peter?

Gordon: (to Peter) You've got the nerves to tell me you clean the walls every fucking Tuesday? Touch it. Fuck off, will you? Touch the wall, you dirty pig. (to the others) This is disgusting. I'm closing it down. (to Peter) How many has booked?
Peter: About twenty.
Gordon: Twenty - forget it. Get the place steam-cleaned from fucking head to tail. I don't care, but we're not cooking a fucking cookie out of here.

Gordon: I've never done that before, close down a restaurant, but that was a fucking embarrassment. Seascape open? (slams closed sign over open one on sandwich board) Close the fucking place.

The Olde Stone Mill [1.05][edit]

[Gordon's chopped salad has been molded into a funnel]

Gordon: Look at that. What's that squashed into? Looks like it's been squashed into an ice cream cone. [The waiter hands him the funnel] ... Ah, right, that's his on top. Was the chef a mechanic?

Dean: I was pissed. Real pissed. I wanted to take the plate and smash it on top of the Chef's head.

Gordon: What's this crap here with calamari in a martini glass?
Tom: We're just trying to do presentation because the dishes we have suck.
Gordon: "Suck"? I can't believe you'd be so fucking polite.

Sebastian's [1.06][edit]

Sebastian: Okay, my pizzas will soon be in supermarkets.
Gordon: What?!
Sebastian: I would love to franchise this, and have a "Sebastian's" all over the world.
Gordon: Oh my god...
Sebastian: Just think how that sounds. "Sebastian's" all over the world. That makes me excited.
Gordon: You haven't got fucking one right so far! How the fuck can you think about two? I need some fresh air, the guy's gone!
(Sebastian laughs. Cut to Gordon standing in the street outside the restaurant]
Gordon: This guy is seriously off his fucking trolley!
Sebastian: (to the kitchen staff) I just won that one. I won that one.
Gordon: What on earth is going on in his fucked-up, delusional mind?
Sebastian: Whoo! I won that one!
Joy: What happened?
Sebastian: He was giving me shit. I gave it back to him, and he was like, "Uh, yeah whatever," and-
Gordon: (walks back into the restaurant) Sebastian! I just want a little word.
[Gordon goes into Sebastian's office, and Sebastian follows him]
Gordon: Listen, big boy. Right now, you've won jack fucking shit! You've got the audacity to stand there, talking to me about a franchise, when we can't even get a pizza right?
Sebastian: (interview) It took everything in me not to just, freak out. (to Gordon) I've been here two years. It may not seem like-
Gordon: What have you got to show?
Sebastian: What have I got to show? I'll tell you what I've got to show. Pride! Pride!
Gordon: You're delusional! You are so-
Sebastian: That's your opinion, sir. A lot of people feel that way about you!
Gordon: (points at the dining room) What's successful about out there?
Sebastian: I'm still here.
Gordon: That's what makes it successful? You've just answered my question. I'll see you later.

Gordon: (on the over-elaborate menu) You can't push an inherently-faulty concept. That's like shining a turd...absolutely futile.

Gordon: When I first arrived here, we got off to a shaky start. Then we kept our hedds down and we got through it together.
Sebastian: Yeah.
Gordon: And we made some really exciting changes. The menu's changed, the staff have changed.
Sebastian: Yes.
Gordon: Mate, there's one thing that hasn't changed in this establishment, and that's you Sebastian. I'm 40 years old, and I have gone a lot of restaurants, but I've never ever ever ever met someone I believe in as little as you.

Sebastian: (walks out of his restaurant) Fucking arrogant! Fuck that motherfucker! (to the production team) We're done! Get the fucking team out of here! (approaches back entrance) Chef Gordon! (breaks the door open) Chef Gordon! Where the fuck are you? Where are you?
Gordon: I'm here.
Sebastian: You come into my restaurant?
Gordon: Yes.
Sebastian: I'm just so fucking disappointed.
Gordon: Wait. Don't shout here. You're going to calm down?
Sebastian: Stop pointing your finger at me.
Gordon: Are you going to calm down?
Sebastian: Are we going to speak like men? You're going to speak to me like a man?
Gordon: You didn't listen to what I've told you.
Sebastian: You didn't listen to what I'm saying.
Gordon: Did you hear what I've just told you?
Sebastian: I'm stepping away from you, because I don't want to be too close.
Gordon: You ungrateful...
Sebastian: You have no idea!
Gordon: Nasty, vindictive...
Sebastian: You have no fucking idea!
Gordon: Joker!
Sebastian: Well, fuck you! (walks away)
Gordon: This is it? (follows Sebastian)
Sebastian: Yeah, it is it! You're very disappointing!
Gordon: I was expecting fucking shit performance tonight!
Sebastian: Are you fucking kidding me?! Your whole act is a fucking joke!
Gordon: Anything else?
Sebastian: Your whole act is a fucking joke! You're a phony!
Gordon: You shouldn't run like that.
Sebastian: Run like what?!
Gordon: Am I supposed to be scared now, Sebastian?
Sebastian: (makes a "wanker" gesture) Come on, give me a break. I'm busting my ass in there. You tell me...
Gordon: You what?!
Sebastian: Are you kidding me?!
Gordon: Let me tell you...
Sebastian: Are you kidding me?!
Gordon: Let me tell you something...
Sebastian: You're telling me nothing! I'm done!
Gordon: There you go.
Sebastian: Yes. LOSER! (walks away) And I'm telling you one last time. YOU'RE A FUCKING DICK-HEAD!

Finn McCool's [1.07][edit]

Narrator: After feeling the heat of the firemen, Brian and sous chef Francis get back to work under the watchful eye of Gordon who can't believe what he sees.
[Francis drops a chicken wing on the floor while tossing it in the sauce and he picks up and throws it in the fryer]
Gordon: Francis, Francis, Francis, Francis. Fuck me, he's deaf as a fucking bat. Francis, you took it off the floor and put it in the fryer and then back in the sauce.
Francis: Yeah, well the fryer is gonna...is gonna...take anything that comes off the floor and clean it.
Gordon: But it fell on the floor.
Francis: Correct.
Gordon: Put it back in the fryer.
Francis: Right into the fryer.
Gordon: And it cleans it.
Francis: It cleans it. It sterilizes it.
Gordon: Sterilises it?
Francis: Yeah well...
Gordon: Fuck me! Sterilised it.
[the wings are now being eaten at a table]
Buddy: What happened with that order?
Francis: I dropped a wing on the floor, picked it up and stuck it back in the fryer again.
[Buddy's eyes open wide in horror]
Brian: (interview) We tried to keep everything consistent but some things get messed up every now and then.
Buddy: What the fuck were you thinking?!
Gordon: (outside) Oh my god. I've never, ever, ever seen anything quite extraordinary as that. Serves food off the floor and serves it to the customer? Oh my god, no!

Melissa: I want to see you and Ramsay chug.
Brian: I'll smoke him, and tuck him into bed. Goodnight, chef.

Lela's [1.08][edit]

[Gordon brings Buzzard (Daniel) back to Lela's after Buzzard stole leftover wine and food.]
Gordon: [shows Lela the stolen food] This is Buzzard's little picnic. Nice little sandwich there, ham, cheese, mustard. Oh, nice big salad. And main course, we're going to tackle some New Zealand lamb.
Buzzard: I know where that came from.
Gordon: Stop laughing. Here we are with a restaurant that's financially fucking screwed and you're just helping yourself to wine and a four course dinner.
Lex: (interview) He takes little things every now and then, but I haven't seen him do something like that in a while.
Buzzard: Now, listen. I'm not going to stand there and argue with you. You can have that! Okay? (Walks out)
Gordon: This lady owns it. Buzzard? Unbelievable.
Lela: (interview) We were thinking that he was doing that but I hadn't caught him in the act and today, well there it is.

[Buzzard comes to work next morning]
Lela: (interview) I hate to have to fire anybody, but then you get to the point where if I can't get them to change what they're doing or whatever, then I have to get rid of him.
Gordon: Can I see your eyes? Take your glasses off. (Buzzard takes off his shades) Buzzard, anything that belongs inside this restaurant belongs to Lela. Yeah? End of story. Nothing gets taken off this premise.
Tabitha: (interview) If it was up to me, I'd fire Buzzard's ass.
Gordon: I get lots of people stealing from me and I just have one discipline, anyone who steals from me is out. End of story. Because, the message you send, they all see you do it, they all do it. Anyway, Lela, you're the one who's got to make the decision, it's your restaurant.
Lela: Yeah, so you know, I'm sorry but this is going to be it. All right? This is it.
Tabitha: (interview) Buzzard ain't going to be back here. He ain't going to be buzzing around here and he's truly a buzzard.

Campania's [1.09][edit]

The Secret Garden [1.10][edit]

[Day two, 8:45 a.m. - kitchen inspection]
Gordon: Jesus.
[Finds a chocolate terrine/marquis.]
Gordon: Ohh, fuck.
[Finds a rotten banana.]
Gordon: My goodness me. Mould everywhere.
[Sees mold.]
Gordon: Mould everywhere.
[Finds some broccoli.]
Gordon: The food's been in this fridge for so long, even the fridge is starting to get mouldy.
[Finds some mold.]
Gordon: Look, just here. It's like mould caked on. This place hasn't been cleaned for years. Look, it's real mould.
[Finds a bottle that has become moldy.]
Gordon: It's been in that long, even the bottle's mouldy. This place is a health hazard. Mould is festering, so potentially dangerous in terms of poisoning someone. This place can't stay open. The place is disgusting.
[Finds some potatoes that have been infested with maggots.]
Gordon: Maggots. Infested with maggots. Oh, God!
[Gordon began vomiting, so he got out to puke at a different place.]

Devon: (interview) It was brilliant for him to be humbled. Michel was of an opinion that "Hey, if I want to serve dog shit on a plate and the customer doesn't like it, too bad."

Gordon: God, this guy (Michel) is fucking unbelieveable. You know, that's one thing being that bad, that's solvable, but being in complete denial throughout is extraordinary. I've never met such a fucking hard-arse stubborn motherfucker in all my life.

[Day three, 8:27 a.m. - closed for business]
Narrator: Day three. Gordon is determined to get through to this stubborn chef with help from a little shock therapy.
[Signs read "Closed for business", "Foreclosed by bank", "Closed", and "Do not enter".]
Gordon: Okay, a new day, and I'm determined that is guy is going to finally start listening to what I'm trying to say. So this morning, I've shut the place down, I've bought it up and I'll make him understand that if doesn't start changing and listening to what I'm trying to say, that's the end result.
[Refering to the "Closed for business" sign.]
Gordon: And that's the end result that no restaurant wants to see.

Gordon: (taking off his jacket.) Fucking hell.
Narrator: With the restaurant on the verge of success, Chef Michel is insisting on reverting back to his old ways and Gordon has ran out of patience.
Michel: Thank you very much.
Gordon: Cut the bullshit. You don't care anymore. Just get straight to the fucking answer.
Michel: I'm not cutting no bullshit. I'm just telling it like it is.
Gordon: Get straight to the fucking answer.
Michel: Alright? Your menu's not better than mine, you know?
Gordon: You're a donkey.
Michel: My food has been voted best Chef in Ventura county.
Gordon: WHAT?!!!
Michel: Yeah, listen.
Gordon: Hold on, hold on. Let me finish!! Let me finish!! You put your fucking hands up here and listen to me. YOU RUN A SHIT-HOLE OF A KITCHEN!!! FUCK YOURSELF!!!
Michel: NO! NO! NO!
Gordon: (furious) FUCK OFF!!! Who the fuck are you to turn around and tell me when you work like a PIG?!!! YOU FRENCH PIG!!!
Michel: Pig?
Gordon: YOU FUCKING PIG!!!! You're a lazy pig! You're so full of shit! Open your eyes! Take a look around.
Michel: Big mouth! You're not happy?
Gordon: I'M FUCKING HAPPY!
Michel: Go on! You can get out!
Gordon: (flips Michel off) FUCK YOURSELF!!
Michel: You can get out! It's my fucking kitchen!!!
Gordon: Is It? Well if it's your FUCKING KITCHEN, THEN CLEAN IT, YOU LAZY CUNT!!!!!
Michel: (flabbergasted) No.

Season 2[edit]

Kitchen Nightmares Revisited: Gordon Returns [2.01][edit]

Handlebar [2.02][edit]

Gordon: When was the last time this fridge was cleaned?
Melissa: A week ago.
Gordon: Oh, come on, this hasn't been cleaned in years.
Billy: No, it has.
Gordon: No, it hasn't, I'm sorry. Twenty-one years in the business, I'll bet every fucking dollar that I have, this fucking place hasn't been cleaned in years.

Gordon: Un-fucking-believeable. So that just proves and confirms how weak this guy is. He's not running this place, this place is running him, and is in need of a fucking serious clean. That is appalling.

Giuseppi's [2.03][edit]

Gordon: Why are we serving potato skins? Do you want to come to an "authentic Italian restaurant" with potato skins?
Joe: A lot of people come here with their kids, and their kids don't want--
Gordon: Hey, I've lived in Italy. I've seen Italian families, the way they eat together. They don't serve fucking children in Italy potato skins with plastic cheese, let me assure you.

Trobiano's [2.04][edit]

Gordon: The decor matches the clientele. Drab, fuddy-duddy, and seriously old-fashioned. I feel like I've come to see my granny in a retirement home.

Pat: The Trobiano's salad is excellent. It's chopped.
Gordon: Why would you chop it?
Pat: People seem to love it.
Gordon: Is that because of their teeth?

Black Pearl [2.05][edit]

Gordon: A restaurant run by three passionate owners? No chance. Brian, he works two days a week. David, well I don't trust him one little inch. And as for Greg, well he's pissed off at both of them. Basically in a nutshell, Sleepy, Dopey and Grumpy. Who am I? Snow fucking White?

Gordon: You tell me about the passion with the Maine lobsters. Are you aware that the lobsters in your fridge are Canadian?
David: Same waters, North Atlantic waters.
Gordon: You're telling me now...a Canadian lobster, half the price of a Maine lobster, is the same taste and flavour? There's a big difference. I can't get Maine lobsters.
David: That's right, so they get them from Canada.
Gordon: I'm using Canadian lobsters.
David: That's right. That's what they do.
Gordon: But I don't advertise them as "Maine."
David: You tell me, is it a different animal?
Gordon: "Maine" is a "Canadian" lobster for you?
David: Homarus americanus. Same animal, right?
Gordon: Holy shit...
David: I'm asking you a question.
Gordon: What you're trying to dictate to me is that you're selling "Maine" lobster - they're not from Maine.
David: Well, it comes from the same vendor.
Gordon: [at a loss] Holy shit! The award-winning Maine lobster roll...is Canadian!

Gordon: [to David] You're so full of fucking shit that you'd make a great politician.

Gordon: You amaze me.
David: What?
Gordon: Because all week long, face-to-face, you fucking pretend to care.
David: Oh, fuck, Gordon. Come on.
Gordon: You don't give two shits about this place.
David: Really?
Gordon: You're not passionate about running a restaurant.
David: Really?
Gordon: You're just abusing it and using it.
David: How did I- what, what, what did I do?
Gordon: I've never met an individual that's so full of shit in all my life.
David: How have I been lying to you, Gordy? How? Tell me.
Gordon: Gordy?
David: Yeah, how? You want to disrespect me, I can disrespect you too. But tell me how I'm lying to you.
Gordon: I'm not disrespecting you. I'm telling you the truth.
David: No, you're disrespecting me because you don't know the truth.
Gordon: You're just massaging your fucking ego.
David: Gordon, bullshit.
Gordon: What do you mean, bullshit?
David: Not true.
Gordon: From the first minute you walked in this fucking door, standing there with your big long coat and your fucking sunglasses looking like proud cock, that was it. First impressions. Then you start debating lobsters because you think you're some smart-arse on the back of few fucking shit dive books.
Gordon: [flashback] Are you aware that the lobsters in your fridge are Canadian?
David: [flashback] Homarus americanus. Same animal, right?
Gordon: "Humanus americanus", my arse-us.
David: Hmm.
Gordon: With 21 restaurants under my belt, I work my fucking arse off.
David: So what? So what?
Gordon: And I never take anything for granted.
David: [sarcastically] Fascinating, Gordon.
Gordon: You treat the staff like shit. You amaze me.
David: Never. Never do that.
Gordon: Excuse me?
David: Never.
David: [flashback] Cat, it's policy here for you not to have a drink here after your shift, but you often do.
David: Never.
Gordon: You can't even be honest with yourself, let alone me. Mate, you've been exposed.
David: Exposed?
Gordon: You're a hypocrite.
David: Is that right?
Gordon: Absolutely. For you, it's about a fucking TV show. This man [points to Greg], it's about a restaurant. Fuck the TV, David. And, I mean fuck it. This is real for me. And for you, it's an image.
David: I disagree with you on almost everything you said.
Gordon: You do?
David: Yeah, I do.
Gordon: Why do you disagree?
David: Because you're wrong. The great Gordon Ramsay is wrong.
Gordon: You're a sad fucker.

J Willy's [2.06][edit]

John ("J Willy"): (interview) When Chef Gordon pulled those potato skins out, I knew he had found something that I wasn't going to like.

Gordon: We sat here wondering why this business is on its arse. It starts with the top job, it's called responsibility. (to John) No wonder you've given up.
John ("J Willy"): (interview) I've been in denial, I've lowered my standards, and it takes somebody like a Gordon Ramsay to come in and wake you up.

Rick: (interview) I wanted to crawl under the table and hide my face so that people wouldn't associate me with such "crap".

Hannah & Mason's [2.07][edit]

Gordon: What a beautiful, quaint little town. I can't think of a better way to spend Valentine's Day than at Hannah &... (sees that the sign is missing the N from "Mason's") Maso's? I guess they couldn't afford the "N." That's not a good start.

[Gordon goes down to the walk in fridge]
Gordon: I cannot believe that this is how you guys are running a restaurant!
Chris: (interview) Through my head, I was thinking "We're going to be screwed!"
Gordon: That's what in there?
Chris: That's the walk-in freezer.
Gordon: That's the walk-in freezer? Look at the mess in here! What's this here?
Brian: Bacon.
Gordon: Bacon. Yeah, obviously bacon, smart-arse! That's from lunch? Yeah, five years ago! You leave a spatula in there like that? I'm sorry. No. Fuck off. I cannot believe what you guys are doing here.
Chris: There was so much going on. My head was spinning. My head was about to explode. I thought to myself, this is a disaster.
Gordon: What's that in there?
Brian: Shit that didn't get put away?
Gordon: (finds cooked chicken sitting next to raw chicken.) Oh, my god.
Chris: I don't know what the fuck...
Gordon: Oh, fuck off! Oh, my god! Oh, no!
Chris: This is not good.
Gordon: RAW CHICKEN!
Brian: That should never happen.
Gordon: Oh my god! CHRIS, THERE'S FUCKING CHICKEN AGAINST RAW CHICKEN!!
Chris: It's fucking...
Gordon: (to Brian) HEY, PANINI-HEAD! LISTEN TO ME!
Brian: Yes?
Gordon: YOU'RE GOING TO KILL SOMEONE! I'VE EATEN HERE!! Partners? Partners in crime! You should be ashamed.
Brian: We are ashamed.
Gordon: You've just contaminated the town! (Leaves the walk-in) Hey, Nick. Nick! Stop! Right now, this is not a romantic eat-out. This is a Valentine fucking massacre! IT'S A DISGRACE! How can you do this!? I'm closing this place down. SWITCH IT OFF!!

[after Gordon shuts the kitchen down]
Gordon: What I've just discovered is totally unacceptable. Enough is enough. Chris?
Chris: Yes, sir?
Gordon: You are passionate about food. You feel deeply about it. I want to hear it.
Chris: I'm ready. I'm ready to tear it down and start over.
Gordon: You've got a big pair of bollocks facing those customers tonight. What can be said about the "partner" you are in business with? (to Brian) Where were you? How many tables did you talk to? How many customers did you apologise to?
Brian: None.
Gordon: How much support did you give the waiters, the manager?
Brian: None.
Gordon: Right. You were doing jack-shit tonight. You make me sick.

Narrator: Inspired by the fresh locally-grown apples, Chef Ramsay heads back to the restaurant to work on a special he has in mind for tonight's dinner service.
Gordon: Right. What are they called.
Brian: (unenthusiastically) Apples?
Gordon: Apples, fucking smart-arse.

Jack's Waterfront [2.08][edit]

[Gordon has just ordered a "krab" omelet...]

Gordon: Wow, look at the size of that. That's a lot of "krab". And you haven't told me about the "K" yet.
Erica the waitress: Oh, he said he wanted everybody to know that it wasn't real crab, it's artificial crab. So he spelled it with a K so there was no misconception.
Gordon: So it's fake crabmeat?
Erica: Uh-huh.
Gordon: In a seafood restaurant, on the water?

[After taking a bite of some rubbery fish and chips]

Gordon: When you take a bite of that cod, it's almost like you've got a breaded condom in your mouth.

[During a kitchen inspection]

Gordon: This is salmon that is marinated in... that looks like... [he smells it] an Italian dressing. Oh dear. [finds tuna that has been dyed pink] What's this? Seafood restaurant on the water. Tuna that's dyed pink to make it look authentic. Look at it, my God. Unbelieveable. And here we have... [he finds a rissoto] That looks like a mushroom rissoto, gray rissoto. Unbelieveable.

[Gordon shows the chefs some beef bits.]

Gordon: What is that there
AJ: I believe it's beef bits.
Gordon: Beef bits in blood.
Scott: Nasty.

Sabatiello's [2.09][edit]

[Dover sole stuffed with imitation crab meat is being sent back to the kitchen]
Sammy: What's the matter with this?
Marco: She said it's not fresh, she said it's no good.
Gordon: It's fucking watery.
Sammy: Let me have a taste. How bad is it? (tastes it) It's not bad though! It's not bad! It's not bad! (Gordon tastes it and spits it out.) Ohhhh, no! Come on! He spits it out. It's not bad.
Gordon: You're fucking delusional. It's mushy. It's watery. It's fake.
Sammy: It's not the right crab meat. You're right.
Gordon: And it's fucking disgusting. You're jumping up and down like a big fucking baboon and "Ho, ho! It's good!" Whoo!

Gordon: Watching this restaurant perform is embarrassing. Fake fucking crab meat inside of sole? It's pretty obvious, it's become the appendix of restaurants in Stamford. You just want to get rid of it and get it out.

Narrator: With food now coming back, it's a perfect opportunity for Gordon to witness Sammy's customer service skills.
Sammy: How did you want your meat cooked? Did you want it rare?
Lady: I wanted it medium rare.
Sammy: So can we make you another one? Will you wait or you don't want it all?
Lady: I'll wait, but the thing is I don't want you to stick it back in a microwave.
Sammy: No, we're going to throw that out and make you a new one. Nobody's talking about microwave. You're the one who's talking about microwave.
Lady: It came out of a microwave, otherwise it wouldn't be exuding heat.
Sammy: Do you work for a microwave company? You know so much about microwave. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Get the fuck out of here. Tell her to take a hike.
Customers: That is rude. Wow. To speak to a customer like that, that's disgusting.
[Later when the lamb is recooked and brought back to the lady, the restaurant breaks out in applause]
Sammy: No wait, we're not done yet. I want to see you cut into it. How is it? Is it still too rare?
Lady: You know what? I'm done. No more chances.
Sammy: Unbelievable. (interview) Oh my god. I just wanted to pick her up and throw her out. There's a right way and a wrong way of handling something like that and she was totally wrong.

Fiesta Sunrise [2.10][edit]

Gordon: When were these done?
Vic: Yesterday?
Gordon: Yesterday? Fuck off, Vic, please. They weren't done yesterday. Okay. You can ask him in his own language; ask him very, very quickly "When were these cooked?"
Vic: (to a cook) ¿Cuándo cocinaron de eso?
When did you (ustedes) cook that?
Cook: En viernes.
On Friday.
Vic: (to a cook) So this was from last week.
Gordon: Of course they're from last week.

[Gordon finds some fresh chives in the fridge.]
Gordon: What are these? (to Vic) Vic.
Vic: Yes, chef.
Gordon: These are fresh chives. Sell-by date, five months old.
Vic: Where'd you find that?
Gordon: I found it in the fucking fridge. Smell it.
[Vic smells the chives.]
Gordon: Vic, look, let me just show you something.
[Gordon shows Vic some fish.]
Gordon: What is that? Stop getting nervous now, talk to me. What is this?
Vic: That's the fish we're using.
Gordon: That's the fish you're using? Oh, fuck me.

Gordon: How old is this stuff?
Vic: Yesterday.
Gordon: Yesterday?!
Patti: He said Friday.
Gordon: [finds slimy chicken] Look at that! Oh, my god. (cough) When's all this from?
Patti: Friday. He took it out Friday.
Gordon: Oh, everything's Friday? Let me just show you something, look how green and slimy that is. That's from Friday? Look at that, that's from Friday? Look at my fingers, Friday? Look, look (pours the juice from the tray) there you go. That's from Friday? How do you say in Spanish "This is not healthy"?
Patti: No es saludable.
It is not healthy.
Gordon: Thank you. What is going on in here? A hungry cat would walk away from that.
Patti: (interview) I was mortified. I felt embarassed for letting this go on for so long.
Narrator: While customers in the dining room continue to eat sub-par food, Chef Ramsay's kitchen investigation intensifies.
Gordon: What is going on here?
[Gordon finds a tray of burritos.]
Gordon: What's that?!!
Vic: The burritos.
[Gordon finds a tray of chicken enchiladas.]
Gordon: What is that one?
Vic: The chicken enchiladas.
Gordon: Oh hell. Oh my God.
[Gordon finds a tray of ground beef with dried up fat covering it.]
Gordon: What's that?!!
Vic: Ground beef.
Gordon: Ground beef?!! Half of it's fucking fat, you idiot! It's fatter than you!
Patti: (interview) I felt satisfied that finally somebody called him out on his bullshit.
[Gordon finds a bucket of beans.]
Gordon: Oh shit! What's that?
Vic: The beans.
Gordon: Oh hell. It's like a cement mixer. Are you fucking stupid? Who's controlling this?
Vic: I am, chef.
Gordon: You are. You... are a walk-in disaster.
Vic: (interview) Now I'm feeling like stupid.
Gordon: Lift it up. The fridge is full of shit! It's, it's DISGUSTING! I wasn't here on Saturday, but what were they expecting? Fucking ten thousand customers for lunch? Patti, I'm fucking disgusted. Yolanda, that's a joke.
Yolanda: I understand. (interview) I don't want people to get sick and I don't want them to spread the word that the food is bad here.
Gordon: (to Vic) You're overstaffed. Under-worked. Shit food! I wouldn't trust you running a bath, let alone a fucking restaurant! You must be out of your tiny mind!
Vic: I care for the restaurant.
[Gordon grabs a huge bucket full of stale refried beans]
Gordon: I want to take that out there. I dare you, take it out there. Go on, give it to them! Yeah, there you go.
Vic: Excuse me?
Gordon: Look at me! Why won't you take it out there?
Vic: That's embarrassing.
Gordon: Yeah, it is embarrassing. WHY ARE YOU SERVING IT?! YOU DON'T FUCKING CARE!
Vic: Why?
Gordon: Why?! Because you're serving that and trying to charge people money for that. That's why you don't care.
Vic: I care for-
Gordon: YOU DON'T CARE SHIT! No fucking way!
[Gordon picks up the bucket of beans, carries it through to the dining room, and places it on a table in front of the shocked diners]
Gordon: Fuck! Ladies and gentlemen! I'm so sorry, but we're stopping service. Everything you've had to drink, eat so far is all on the house. Sir, that thing you have in your hand, put it down! Because if you just seen where it came from like I have, you wouldn't be eating it. Very sorry. Close up. (to Vic) No bill anywhere!
Vic: (interview) I was like "What the hell are you doing?" You can't do that to my customers.
Gordon: By the way, there's your refried beans on the way out. Have a look at them.

Narrator: While the family cools off, Chef Ramsay heads to the kitchen to come up with a game plan to fix the restaurant's biggest plan — the food.
[Gordon sees that the kitchen is infested with cockroaches.]
Gordon: Oh my God. What in the fuck is that? That is a fucking joke.
[Gordon calls out Vic, Patti and Yolanda.]
Gordon: I wanted us all to get involved, and doing something together, yeah? I wanted a fun element. You (Patti) make a burrito, you (Yolanda) make a burrito, you (Vic) make a burrito, and the best one goes on the menu tonight. That's what I wanted to do. I couldn't do it, because of these little fuckers here. LOOK AT THEM!
[We see that the kitchen is infested with dozens of cockroaches. The women look disgusted.]
Yolanda: Oh my god! (interview) I feel sick to my stomach. I want to throw up, because I had coffee here earlier, and I don't know if the roach went through my cup.
Patti: I didn't know about this problem either.
Gordon: Two dishwashers, two prep cooks. Who's cleaning around here? Do they seriously put food on those plates?
Patti: (interview) Vic's here seven days a week. I don't know how he didn't realize the problems in the kitchen.
Gordon: Can't you see these? I'm trying to move forward, I'm trying to get going, but every time I put my foot on the ladder, I get knocked back. Did you know this was like this?
Vic: I noticed, I noticed, but, uh...
Gordon: You knew it?
Vic: Yeah.
Gordon: We're going to have to do something! We cannot open, we need an exterminator. How can I start even attempting to think of a new menu when the place is festering with cockroaches?!
Yolanda: I didn't expect this. I don't think it could get worse, I don't even know what could make it worse at this point.
Narrator: After Chef Ramsay's dirty discovery, he immediately called in an exterminator.
Yolanda: I had no idea it was that bad.
Gordon: Bloody hell. I'm pulling my hair out now. I'm sorry, but you're running the place.
Vic: Sorry.
Yolanda: Vic, this is stupid.
Gordon: Where do I go, Vic?
Vic: Sorry.
[Gordon goes outside.]
Vic: (interview) I'm embarassed with Chef Ramsay. I don't think that I uh... we can make it a good restaurant.
Gordon: You can't run a fucking restaurant like that!
Vic: You think I'm mad? I'm fucking embarrassed now.
Gordon: You should be fucking embarrassed. I'm not putting one foot in that place until that place is fucking cleaned. Yes?
Vic: You're right.
Gordon: Now you start getting those guys cleaning, yes?
Vic: Definitely.
Gordon: Put some fucking pride! Do you understand the word pride?!
Vic: Yes.
Gordon: It's not possible for someone to have his head so far up his arsehole. Fuck me.

Gordon: I've got four chefs who can't cook fucking rice, and soot all over the food. What is going on?! Fuck me. You're supposed to put salt on the food, not fucking soot!

Santa La Brea [2.11][edit]

Gordon: What is that?
Dean: Un-duck. It's... duck. But it's un-duck. Fake duck.
Gordon: Fake duck? So you call it... what?
Dean: We call it un-duck.
Gordon: Un-duck? Right now I feel like I'm getting completely fucked. Is that popular?
Dean:Yeah, it is, actually. A lot of people ask for that, too.
Gordon: Un-duck... shit... [as he reaches in and pulls out more "meat"]
Dean: That's fake fish.
Gordon: Fake fish? [sniffs, laughs and slides a hand under his collar]
Dean: It looks like fish, it tastes like fish, and it's got seaweed on the outside.

[Gordon rolls the cutely molded, fish-shaped, food-like substance over in his hands.]

Dean: [to audience] We have everything that's "un".

[Gordon strides into the walk-in, talking to audience.]

Gordon: This is incredible. So far I've had un-duck, un-fish... un-fucking-believable. What a mess.

Cafe 36 [2.12][edit]

[The food is delivered to the customers on carts, awkwardly]

Gordon: I thought people got pushed into a mortuary on trolleys, no? Not serving food.

[Cafe 36's biggest problem is the long wait times for your meal.]

Female Customer: I feel like I'm drinking more than I'm eating.

Male Customer: I think they gotta catch the shrimp first.

Gordon: Eduardo, no wonder you've grown so old. You've aged waiting for the last main course. [Eduardo and the other servers laugh]

[It's the middle of February and Pinto, the head chef, is serving asparagus for the 'veggie of the day']

Gordon: What are these up here for? They're not even in season, asparagus, are they?
Pinto: No. Not right now, they're very expensive.
Gordon: They're very expensive, so why have you got them on?
Pinto: They're veggie of the day.
Gordon: Veggie of the day? Aren't you bothered about the cost?
Pinto: It comes from a different part of the world, Chef. We can get it.
Gordon: 'It comes from a different part of the world'? [to the sous-chef] Are you listening to this?! [to Pinto] It's the most expensive vegetable on the market. You want that?! And it's out of season! And you just put them on four dishes!

Season 3[edit]

Hot Potato Cafe [3.01][edit]

Flamango's [3.02][edit]

Bazzini [3.03][edit]

Mojito [3.04][edit]

Lido di Manhattan Beach [3.05][edit]

Le Bistro [3.06][edit]

Casa Roma [3.07][edit]

Gordon: This is incredible. Right through those doors has to be for me one of the worst restaurants I've ever seen in my entire cooking career. The chef doesn't give a fuck, the owner's completely clueless and not any form of communication between the kitchen and the restaurant and the management. It's a fucking shambles.

[8:58 PM, two hours into dinner service]
Gordon: What are we waiting on Ashley?
Ashley: I'm still waiting on chicken pancotta with penne marinara, an individual kids pepperoni pizza, half order spaghetti with meat sauce, eggplant parmesean with angel hair meat, chicken pancotta angel hair marinara, three chicken parms and a veal Parmesan ...for just one table. (interview) I really felt like crying because it was that embarrassing for me.
Gordon: Erick, can I have your undivided attention?
Erick: Sure.
Gordon: Nothing's happening. We served one table of four, one table of two. For the last three tickets, half an order's gone out, the other half is still on the board. You haven't got a clue what's going on. You're (Drew) running around crazy. What chance have we got serving 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, tables? You asked for one more crack at lunch time. "Let me go big boy! Let me go! I want to do it again!" We're spinning around and serving shit! Do me a favor, close the fucking restaurant! I can't stand any longer and watch that embarrassment. I need the door fucking closed! Forget it! Good night!

Gordon: I can't even start with a chef that can't even know how to cook something basic. Why are you pulling a chef that is that incompetent? Darling, he's not in the slightest bit of interest of fucking making it work, he doesn't give a fuck about his cooking, doesn't give a fuck about you, and he's here for one thing and one thing only: money. And the only restaurant that fucking guy will ever get a job is in a restaurant that doesn't have any customers. If you've got any chance of surviving here, get rid of him. What are you scared of? Talk to me.
Nylah: Where am I going to find another chef?
Gordon: Drew. What's wrong with Drew?
Nylah: Drew, I think can carry it on.
Gordon: So get rid of him!
Nylah: Okay.
Gordon: Unbelievable.
Erick: Babe, I'm sorry.
Nylah: No, no, just wait a minute. Jeremy come here.
Erick: I feel real bad.
Nylah: The whole thing is, this isn't the first time you've let us down. I just can't do it. I know but I just can't do it. You guys get your paycheck every week. Jeremy and I never take a dime out of here.
Erick: We understand that.
Nylah: I know but I mean, the whole thing is not going to work because you...
Erick: Okay so what do you want to do?
Nylah: We're going to part ways.
Erick: Okay that's no problem. Dammit! I fucked on that deal.
Nylah: (interview) He couldn't pull off lunch, couldn't pull off dinner and so we just had to let him go. You know I can't do this.

[8:30 AM, day two - kitchen inspection. Gordon walks into a refrigeration unit.]
Gordon: Jesus... Christ almighty, where do we start in a place like this? [looking at a roast beef] Roast beef, dating back when? [looking at meat that has been defrosting] What is that there? Just meat defrosting, again no sign of what it is. [looking at a parma ham that is moldy] Fresh parma ham, it's caked in mould. This is outrageous. [he touches the base of it, and it stuck on his hand] Look at it. It sticks in your fucking hand, it's that rancid. [looking a a rack of ribs, which made him sick] Woh, fucking hell. That's just over three months old. [he smells it] Jesus Christ almighty. Oh God. [he ran to a bin to puke]

Narrator: After witnessing one of the worst kitchen walk-ins he has ever seen, Gordon moves on to an area outside the kitchen that restaurants are judged upon - the bathroom.
Gordon: One of the best ways to check the hygiene of any restaurant is always through these bathrooms. Turn that [a blue UV light] on, and turn the lights off. Right, this can be quite scary. [he checks out one of the walls] Oh my good God. Green and yellow identifies bodily fluids. Any form of bleach or any form of cleaning will be identified through the colour blue, but the body fluids on here is extraordinary. [he checks the ceiling] Look, as high as the ceiling, oh my God. Even the ceiling's caked in it, OH MY GOD! This is shocking. [a sign reads "Wash your heads"] Wash your hands, yeah. Honestly, I've seen enough. Let's get the fuck out of here.

Gordon: (to Nylah) Nylah, the state of that fridge in there confirms whoever's running this place in terms of kitchen management has given up. They don't give a fuck about you, and they don't give a fuck about standards.

Gordon: (to Nylah) Having a dirty refrigeration unit is one thing. Having a filthy bathroom is something that fucking scares the hell out of me.
[They went to the bathroom.]
Gordon: This thing here [the blue UV light] detects body fluids. Just have a look at this.
Nylah: That's body fluids up there?
Gordon: That there has got nothing to do with any form of cleaning. Look at the fucking state of this. Green, green, green, green, green. And here's where it gets really scarry.
[The UV light is shown towards the ceiling.]
Nylah: How the hell did it get up there? (interview) It looked like somebody may have peed on the ceiling, the walls, the doors, you know. It could be a throw-up. I can't even imagine, you know. And it made me sick, I didn't even want to touch the door-knob coming out myself.

Mama Rita's [3.08][edit]

Anna Vincenzo's [3.09][edit]

Revisited: Gordon Returns 2 [3.10][edit]

Casa Roma

[Gordon turns around and sees Q, who used to work at Sebastian's]
Q: How are you doing sir?
Gordon: (to Q) Wait a second. (to Nylah) I recognise this man.
Nylah: Ah-ha.
Q: How are you doing?
Gordon: (to Q) Your first name is...
Q: Q.
Gordon: From Sebastian's.
Q: Yeah.
Gordon: Possibly one of the most difficult, arrogant, jumped-up owners I have met in my entire life.
Q: I thought you'd say that.
Gordon: What the hell are you doing here?
Q: Good question.

Fleming [3.11][edit]

Sushi Ko [3.12][edit]

Revisited: Gordon Returns 3 [3.13][edit]

Season 4[edit]

Spanish Pavilion [4.01][edit]

[Gordon is not impressed with the lobster bisque]
Gordon: It looks like the lobster was dead before they cooked it.
Joe: The lobster's from the tank.
Jerry: You want to take a look?
[Gordon goes to take a look]
Gordon [points]: Is he dead?
Jerry: No, I think they're just sleeping.
Gordon: Is it? It must be dead.
Balbina: We keep a good eye on them.
Gordon: You keep a good eye on them? Surely not. [pulls the very dead, not-sleeping lobster out of the tank] He's fucking dead. A dead lobster!

[Michael is in denial]
Michael: That lobster's fresh. Even though it died, it's... good.

Classic American [4.02][edit]

[Gordon meets Dominick, thinking he's the owner]
Gordon: You look live you've been in this business for thirty years.
Dominick: I haven't.
Gordon: Oh really?
Dominick: Six years.
Gordon: What were you doing before that?
Dominick: Laying brick.
Gordon: [after doing a double take] So it's you and who?
Dominick: Colleen and Naomi. They own the place.
Gordon: OK, brilliant.
Dominick: I'm actually going out with Colleen.
Gordon: You're going out with Colleen?
Dominick: Yeah.
Gordon: Oh, so you're going out with one of the owners?
Dominick: Yeah.
Gordon: Ex-customer?
Dominick: Yeah.
Gordon: Right.

[Gordon reads the sign by the front door]
Gordon: 'Enter as strangers, leave as friends'... Enter a stranger, start dating the owner.

PJ's Steakhouse [4.03][edit]

[Gordon orders crab cakes]
Gordon: Somebody spit on my food? What is that?
Server: It's coulis mango sauce.
Gordon: Oh, coulis mango. Thank you. [she leaves] Looks like something out of a modern art museum. Splat! Okay... [takes a bite] Wow. That's fucking disgusting. It's rancid. Plastic bits of crap running through the crab cakes.

Gordon: PJ's Steakhouse? "Pathetic Joke"! That's what it stands for!

Revisited: Gordon Returns 4 [4.04][edit]

Grasshopper Also [4.05][edit]

[Gordon tries a French onion soup.]
Gordon: Jesus. It's like somebody's dropped sliced onions into boiling dishwater. Dreadful.
Maureen: How's the French onion?
Gordon: Off to a bad start unfortunately. It's like somebody's pissed in my soup.

[Gordon looks at the shepherd's pie.]
Gordon: That gravy's made from...
Annette: Beef.
Gordon: Beef stock on a shepherd's pie.
Annette: Yes.
Gordon: A shepherd's pie is made out of...
Annette: This one is actually beef.
Gordon: Then it's a cottage pie, not a shepherd's pie, because the shepherd stands for the...
Annette: The sheep.

[Maureen tastes the shepherd's pie.]
Gordon: Bad, that's gross.
Maureen: And it's not hot either.
Gordon: That's part of the reason why I'm not coming back because it's watery.

Chief: (to Annette) He (Mitch) doesn't know what he's doing. Mitch is fucking up everything here.

[Gordon tries a fisherman's platter. One of the scallops tasted bad.]
Gordon: Fucking hell, my God.
Annette: Oh Lord.
Gordon: That's gross.
Annette: No good, Chef?
Gordon: It's soft, bland, rubbery. I didn't realize it would be this bad.

Chief: (to Maureen) Mitch can be blind and I'm not kidding you. He's fucking me over here. All you have to do is do what I told you.
Maureen: Yeah. Well, I'm not even going there, Dad.

Gordon: (to Chief) You're from Ireland.
Chief: Yes.
Gordon: What happened here today had nothing to do with Ireland. Shepherd's pie - well, fuck me, that wasn't shepherd's pie. If you went to Dublin and you serve shepherd's pie like that, they would chew you.

[Gordon finds some mozzarella sticks.]
Gordon: What is that?
Gabriel: Mozzarella sticks.
[Gordon finds some blood in the mozzarella sticks.]
Gordon: Can you see that there? Blood, blood from where?
Gabriel: From the meat.
Gordon: Blood from the meat on the mozzarella sticks.
[Gordon puts down the mozzarella sticks.]
Gordon: Come on, guys. Thank God I didn't have the fucking mozzarella sticks. Look like a blood transfusion going on down there.

[Gordon finds some meat in the refrigerator.]
Gordon: You've got raw meat here, cooked meat, salami with blood in there. Fuck, come on, please. Don't do this to yourselves, let alone the customers. Rule number one: When learning to cook, you cannot store raw meat and cooked meat on the same fucking shelf in the same fucking fridge. The whole fucking thing has got a cross-contamination.

[Gordon finds some slimy chicken tenders.]
Gordon: What's in there?
Gabriel: Tenders.
Gordon: Chicken tenders. Why is it all bubbly and slimy?
Gabriel: The chicken comes like that.
Gordon: The chicken comes like that. Look how slimy it is, look how slimy it is. Look at it. Shit!
Maureen: (interview) My God, it's ribid, it's so embarassing.
[Gordon finds a big piece of salmon.]
Gordon: What is this? How can you serve that? It's like it's been left out for days and it's been attacked by cats.

Gordon: I would never, never have put a spoon of anything in my mouth if I knew this was taking place.
Annette: (interview) It's shocking to see just the extent of cross-contamination. There's no check-up.
Gordon: (to Chief) Sorry, Chief. You may be the chief, but I swear to God, there's one thing that Grasshopper hasn't got is a LEADER.
Maureen: (interview) We should all be ashamed of ourselves. At this point in time, I'd like to shot the doors and just say, "You know what? Break it off."
Gordon: {to Mitch, Maureen and Chief) Someone's gotta help me here a little bit. I cannot help a situation who are not willing to help themselves, and you don't need me to come in here and turn your fridge upside-down. Mitch, if you're the one with the hands-on deck in this business, and you're (Maureen) supporting him, and you're (Chief) the mentoring figure, we're screwed.
Maureen: We have people coming tonight. What are we going to do?
Gordon: I can guarantee you one thing. I am NOT serving food tonight with that shit in there - no way.

[Gordon personally brings back a poorly prepared Shepherd's Pie to the kitchen.]
Gordon: What is that? Let me just tell you something, when I was busting my chops earlier making it for you, I turned my back for five minutes and you send that out.
Mitch: Chef.
Gordon: Chef? Come on, guys. On the back of 115 customers in 2 1/2 hours, results are that.
Annette: (interview) Chef Ramsay was like, "To hell with all these!" There was like no passion, no care for any of the food coming out.
Gordon: All you fuckers get paid?! WHERE'S THE WORRY ON YOUR FACES?! IF YOU WERE MY BRIGADE, I WOULD'VE FIRED YOU FUCKING SIXTEEN YEARS AGO!! YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU and FUCKING YOU!!!
Mitch: Fuck!

Davide [4.06][edit]

DownCity [4.07][edit]

[Abby lies on the chairs after receiving a harsh critique from Gordon]
Abby: So what do I do? Like, just get out of the restaurant business? Then, obviously, my thirty years in business is, like, worthless and I have no idea what the fuck I am doing? Okay! I think I'm going to open that hot dog stand down the beach.
Mini: Want some tea or something?
Abby: No!

[During a staff meeting]
Abby: I don't really care what he says.
Will: Well, I mean...
Abby: He's so completely full of shit. Like, seriously? Our meat loaf is, like, what puts us on the map! I mean, it's great!
Nick: I don't like the meat loaf.
Abby: (flabbergasted) You really don't?
Nick: Honestly, I don't.
Mini: We had it the other night together.
Abby: What? What didn't you like about it?
Mini: The food is mediocre, if it's not...
Abby: Mini-Me, seriously!? You're telling me now you don't like it!?
Mini: We eat it because we're here. This is not my restaurant choice. I wouldn't dine here in my off time.
Abby: You're saying, for what we serve here -- comfort food, meat loaf, pastas, steak, whatever -- you're saying, for those--
Mini: It's not up to par even for that.
(the rest of the staff concurs)
Abby: So now you're telling me that you don't like the menu?
(the staff nods their heads, and Abby looks disappointed)
Abby: (testimonial) I feel stabbed in the back, I guess. (back at the staff meeting) You're just hitting me with this, now?
Nick: You know what we're up against if we even opened our mouths about the menu once? Every time we open our mouths, "Fuck off!" "Fuck you!" "You don't know anything!" We're all at a point now where we're just like, "If this is what she wants, let's just serve it out! We'll take it out of the window and bring it to the table!"
Mini: (to Abby) Don't try to make a fuss out of it.
Nick: And we're going to have an opinion about now.
Abby: Oh, you're so full of shit! (walks out of the meeting)
Mini: (tries to bring Abby back) No, no, no, no, no.
Abby: This is bullshit!
Mini: Talk to us! (testimonial) Without a doubt, she's in denial.

[Gordon has found rotting food in the refrigerator]
Gordon: You haven't got a head chef?
Abby: Jimmy is my head chef.
Gordon: So we have a head chef. Before, you weren't ready to confirm he was a head chef. All of a sudden, we discover this mess down here. Now, he's appointed.
Abby: Rico, why don't we just sell the place and just get out of the business?
Gordon: Why don't we what?!
Abby: I was talking to Rico. It has nothing to do with you.
Gordon: Has nothing to do with me?
Abby: No.
Gordon: Excuse me? What do you think I'm doing? I'm trying--
Abby: You're being a fucking asshole! This wasn't like this. I don't run a kitchen like this!
Gordon: Hold on a minute. You're calling me a fucking arsehole?
Abby: I am!
Gordon: You stuck-up precious little bitch! Let me tell you something!
Abby: Oh, boy. Here we go.
Gordon: Listen to me!
Abby: I'm not going to listen to you.
Gordon: You're in denial!
Abby: I'm not in denial!
Gordon: Yes you are! You can't even fucking accept it!
Abby: Fuck you!
Gordon: And you walk out again!
Abby: I am! (Flips off Gordon) Fuck you! (walks upstairs)
Gordon: There you go. Flip the bird? That's your attitude? (to Rico) And that's your partner? I'm really sorry, but this wasn't like this before I got here? She's deluded, that woman.
Abby: You are insane!
Gordon: Blame me all you want! Easy excuses that you're insane!
Abby: I'm insane? You're insane!
Gordon: You can't even handle the fucking truth!
Abby: That refrigerator was not like that before you got here.
Gordon: You're in denial. Flip out again!
Abby: I would NEVER allow my refrigerator to go like that!
Gordon: And those BONES?! The mouldy lamb bones?!
Abby: I don't even talk to my staff like this! Why don't you get the fuck out of my restaurant?!
Gordon: You want me to go? I will go.
Abby: I would love you to go! Get the fuck out of my restaurant, please!
Gordon: YOU ARE SO IN DENIAL, YOU NEED THERAPY!!
Abby: You're a disgrace to this industry! Fuck you and get out of my restaurant! Are you still here?
Gordon: (to the cameraman) Not now, guys, please, please.
Abby: Fuck him!

Revisited: Gordon Returns 5 [4.08][edit]

Three worst inspections

Narrator: When Chef Ramsay goes to work on any of the restaurants, he always does a thorough kitchen inspection. And while some are absolutely fine, others are a disgusting mess. Here are the three worst inspections in Kitchen Nightmares history.
Number three: Fiesta Sunrise, a Mexican restaurant in West Nyack, New York.
Number two: Seascape Inn, a family restaurant in Islip, New York.
And number one: Dillon's, an Indian restaurant in New York City.

Gordon's top three fights of all time

Narrator: Kitchen Nightmares has seen its shares of arguments, but we've selected the three biggest blow-ups.
We begin with number three, which took place at Peter's in Babylon, New York, where Peter took his anger out not at Chef Ramsay, but on a bill collector.
Number two goes to Sebastian's in Burbank, California, where this owner (Sebastian) had trouble facing the truth, and he literally chased Chef Ramsay down.
And the number one spot goes to Secret Garden in Moorpark, California, where Gordon had seen enough of owner Michel's antics.

Tavolini [4.09][edit]

Kingston Cafe [4.10][edit]

La Frite [4.11][edit]

Capri [4.12][edit]

Jim: Ready to get out of the business?
Jeff: No. Don't say that. (cries)
Jim: Come on, stop crying. Fucking grow up, you fag!
Jeff: Fuck you.

Narrator: Thanks to Chef Ramsay's encouragement, Jeff jumps back into the kitchen and tries to help his brother Jim.
Jeff: Keep it up Jim. You're doing a good job.
Narrator: But unfortunately, he only makes matters worse.
Gordon: [looking at a raw chicken breast] Jim, what have you done to those?
Jim: I don't know what happened to those. I really don't.
Gordon: You defrosted them in the bag?
Jim: I think I defrosted them in the bag and I...
Gordon: Jeff.
Jeff: Yeah?
Gordon: The chicken tenders. What did you do to defrost them?
Jeff: I put it on the steam table.
Gordon: You defrosted them in the steam table from frozen?
Jeff: Yeah.
Gordon: Oh my god.
Jeff: Not what you're supposed to do?
Gordon: No! Frozen food needs to be defrosted naturally.
Jim: Right.
Gordon: Give me the bag. Where's the bag? [takes the bag from Jim] Fucking shit! [opens the bag to find slimy chicken] Oh, god almighty! We can't serve them! You'll fucking kill somebody! Jim, talk to me!
Jim: What am I supposed to say? It's a mistake.
Gordon: It's a lethal mistake! Is that what I ate lunch time?
Jim: Yeah.
Gordon: Oh, fuck me! I've been feeling a little bit crap all afternoon. What are you two doing?
Jim: I fucked up.
Gordon: "I fucked up."
Jim: Well, what do you want me to say?
Gordon: I want you to step up to the plate and be a man!
Jim: I screwed up!
Gordon: You haven't told anyone yet.
Jim: (interview) He was just being a jerk! He's an ass. I'm so tired of him just pushing and pushing!
Gordon: Grow some fucking balls and take it off the menu!
Jim: (interview) I've had enough. I'm so pissed! I can only take so much before I fight back.
Jeff: (Jim steps out of the kitchen and walks into the dining room.) Jim! Jim!
Jim: Out of the way! (announcing) Ladies and gentlemen! Due to certain circumstance, we have no chicken tonight. (Gordon groans) My apology to everyone here. If you just want to have what you're eating now and leave, I understand fully and I apologize.
Gordon: Hey, there may have been a more subtle way of doing that.
Jim: Get out of my way, asshole! We cancelled all our chicken orders. We got screwed!
Gordon: Will you stop acting like a baby?
Jim: Oh, grow it out of your asshole!
Gordon: Excuse me?!
Jim: You heard it!
Gordon: Hey, you need a little diaper changing? That time of night?
Jim: I'll give you something!
Gordon: A little poo-poo? Cacked your pants?
Jim: (interview) He's the baby. He's the one that's whining over everything. I don't need to hear this crap.
Gordon: Jim, why do you have to behave like this?
Jim: I'm not going to get yelled at!
Gordon: You're acting around like a big baby. I'm just asking you to grow up a little bit! Show a little respect for what you're trying to cook.
Jim: Fuck off!
Gordon: Oh, my god! You big wet noodle! Do you want a blanket and a bottle?
Jim: Do you need one? Upside the head?
Jeff: Jim, stop it, please.
Gordon: Oh, my god. What a spoiled brat!
Jim: Fuck you!
Jeff: Jim, shut up, please! You're not helping the cause. (Jim's pan catches fire.)
Gordon: Oh, my god! Now he's setting himself on fire.
Jim: I hope so.
Gordon: (To Darian) Are they always acting this childish?
Darian: Oh, yeah. They don't get their way, they cry or throw a temper tantrum.
Gordon: Oh my god. To walk into the dining room like that and scream.
Darian: That's what I said. A temper tantrum. (interview) There's a part of me that's very satisfied to see the boys finally get what they deserve. A lesson in humility. (back in the kitchen) Hahaha!!!

[after dinner service]
Gordon: Okay, today can be summed up in one four letter word: lazy. I can't even start to help both of you when you're not even helping yourselves. I really needed you to do something. Both of you, go through your kitchen and clean it. Not your staff. You. Both of you. Got it?
Jeff and Jim: Yeah.
Gordon: Good night. Get to work. [leaves]
Jeff: (interview) We were lazy. Now we're paying for it. We're failures.
Jeff: Yay.
Jim: [sobbing while cleaning a refrigerator grate] It's making it dirtier. Can't...do this.
Jeff: What's wrong Jim?
Jim: I can't clean anything. I'm a failure. I'm making a mess. (interview) I feel bad. We are in trouble. I really don't know if we can fix it. That's the problem.
Jim: I'm not cleaning anything up.
Jeff: Go take a break Jim.
Jim: No, I can't take a break, cause I'm too lazy as it is. I'm fine. I gotta clean this up.

Jeff: By the way, we have HOMEMADE MEATBALLS!

Zeke's [4.13][edit]

Gordon: I saw on the menu, the "Oysters--"
Candace: The Oysters Cortello.
Gordon: [gives her a meaningful look]
Candace: It's an invented dish for our restaurant. The Cortellos are Darryl and Ellen, so they made it up.
Gordon: So the owners have named an oyster after them?
Candace: Yes, they have.
Gordon: They bought the restaurant, now they want their name on the menu.
Candace: Yes.
Gordon: Sounds like someone's struggling for power!

[Sampling the 'Oysters Cortello']

Gordon: Wow. They're dreadful. Oysters named after the owner? I sure wouldn't put my name on that. I wouldn't even put my enemy's name on that.

[Darryl, the owner, has divided the entrees in small portions in order to cut costs]

Gordon: How does this work? Emil, when were these done?
Emil: Last night.
Gordon: Why are they bagged?
Emil: He portions them out to order.
Gordon: Really? (Bleep.) [Watches Darryl's side-eye] What's the idea of putting everything in bags?
Emil: Portion size.
Gordon: Portion size?
Darryl: [interview] I like to have everything in quantitative perspective. If I give too much, you get a happy customer here, you don't get a good customer. They're happy because they're getting three times what they should be getting, and I'm getting nothing. I don't make money on that.
Gordon: It's food. We're not cutting, uh, piping for the bathroom.

Oceana [4.14][edit]

[Gordon's blackened duck has been brought back to the kitchen]
Moe: Oh, my God. [groans] It's tough?
Rami: Look how tough the duck is!
Moe: You said it's tough?
Rami: It is tough, man! Cut it! And look- I'm 500 pounds, and look... [tries to cut it]
Damon: It is not tough.
Rami: The meat is tough!
Moe: I'm hungry and I'm going to fucking eat 'em up myself.
Moe: [interview] That's my favorite dish on the menu. And that duck is not going nowhere. This is going to stay quackin' on my menu.
Moe: I don't give a shit if he doesn't like it. [takes a bite] Man, this duck is so fucking good, man.

[No one is giving Gordon a straight answer about when the duck was cooked]
Gordon: HOLY SHIT!
Moe: I know when the fucking duck was cooked! I know!
Gordon: WELL, THANK FUCK FOR THAT!!! SOLVE THE MYSTERY!
Moe: We cook the duck off the premises. And we usually cook it about once a month.
Gordon: You cook the duck off the premises?
Moe: Yes, in our commissary kitchen.
Gordon: And it stays in the fridge for a month?!
Damon: Freezer.
Gordon: OH, FUCK!

Gordon: (finding tons of pasta in the fridge) I'm trying to help you understand a method to your madness.
Damon: Hey, asshole! I'm not the one who just said it was done yesterday. I asked my prepper.
Gordon: You can call me an arsehole all you want. So get fucking angry with me.
Damon: You're standing here hearing me ask the person who knows and I gave you his answer.
Gordon: Right, who's the fucking chef around here?
Damon: I am.
Gordon: Right. Bags of jambalaya, in the fridge. Warm. Have you any idea what happens to jambalaya in the fridge when it's still warm in the center?
Chef: Grows the bacteria?
Gordon: Grows the bacteria. (finds bins of crabs) And how many crabs are you selling chef over the next fucking three months? Loss for words...Really?! Another box of crab cakes. When were these made? No date you see chef!
Moe: (interview) There was nothing but dollar signs going through my mind. Soft shell crabs, jambalaya, crawfish thrown straight down the garbage. Chef Damon just took the money right out of our pockets.
Gordon: (finds a dirty tray) I don't what you think you should be taking out of containers and sort of cleaning out your fridge from time to time. One more fucking question to you, who's the arsehole now, chef?
Damon: I am.
Gordon: I didn't come in here to humiliate you, but how DARE YOU serve me food from this disgusting fridge and STAND THERE and call me an arsehole, chef! Excuse me, chef.

[Gordon walks to where the grill is smoking]
Gordon: Who told you to put oil under there?
Chef: Damon.
Gordon: The chef? So you spray the grill with oil? (cough, cough) Fucking shit!

Moe: I NEED THIS FUCKING PLACE SCRUBBED DOWN, TOP TO BOTTOM! I WANT THE TVs WIPED! I WANT THE PIANO WIPED! I WANT THIS PLACE CLEAN! WHAT PART DON'T YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND?! [throws down a chair] WE JUST SHUT DOWN THE FUCKING RESTAURANT!!! TONIGHT!!! NOBODY SEEMS TO GET THAT SHIT!!! CLEAN THIS FUCKING MESS!!!

Gordon: I'm going to do some work in the kitchen. Do you have any recipes...on pen and paper?
Moe: (points to his head) Right here.
Gordon: What?!
Moe: Right here.
Gordon: So why aren't they on pen and paper? Why haven't we got a database?
Moe: I like to keep my recipes secrets. If I put them on a piece of paper, I don't want anyone to steal them.
Gordon: Fucking hell. Oh, fuck. So you're worried that somebody gets the recipe and copies it.
Moe: Anybody changes my recipe, I'm going to kill them. It's my recipe.
Gordon: Rami, help me out here. Is this for real?
Rami: This is what we do everyday chef. [Gordon laughs]
Moe: You think it's funny but believe what I tell you.
Gordon: I don't think it's funny, You're just a little bit deluded.
Moe: Well you know what? The recipes are in my head.
Gordon: (incredulously) Are you stupid?!
Moe: I am not stupid.
Rami: Moe, you are stupid. (interview) The kitchen absolutely don't know what the fuck to cook because the recipe is in Moe's head! It's crazy.
Moe: Don't call me stupid in my fucking restaurant! You understand that you need to learn how to talk to people?! This is New Orleans! You understand?!
Gordon: Wow...
Moe: This is New Orleans! Don't fucking come down here talking to us like that!
Gordon: Calm down...
Moe: I have NEVER been chewed up like you chewed me up! (in interview) We got nothing but swamp around here! Anybody who talk like that get chopped up and fed to the fucking alligators!
Gordon: I'm not here to blow smoke up your fucking arse, let me tell you that. I'm here to fix this restaurant. But you are one obstacle, aren't you?
Moe: No, I'm an easy-going guy...I listen, I work hard....
Gordon: But you're a..."busy idiot."
Moe::....I don't think he gets it that he needs to watch his language.
Rami: But you're not getting that he's here to help us.
Moe: But I'm not calling him an idiot, he's calling me an idiot.
Gordon: "Busy" idiot.
Moe: Busy idiot.
Gordon: You're working hard in the wrong places.
Moe: I mean, I feel like flipping the fucking table right now.
Rami: Did you hear what he said? He just explained it, you're working hard in the wrong places.
Moe: Busy idiot! Is he kidding me?! (in interview) I will stand up, beat the shit out of him, and show him who the fucking idiot is!
Gordon: What is it you want? A fight?
Moe: (long pause) My problem is, I want to make this restaurant successful.
Gordon: So do I. I'm here to help. I don't want to see you running around killing yourself like a busy idiot. I've just gone over the fact that we haven't got any recipes on paper, and all in your head. You're worrying about writing them down for some other chef copying them and making their restaurants more successful than yours. I'm in the real world. That's where I am. You're treating me like one of your fucking staff. Well, let me tell you, Moe, I'm not a member of your staff. Flip the table, punch me, do the fuck what you want to do. But don't fuck with me.

Rami: Busy idiot's a compliment. He's from British. He doesn't speak English.

Moe: If I don't like the changes, I will send him back to British with a black eye.

Season 5[edit]

Blackberry's [5.01][edit]

[Gordon sees a wok where Shelly's cooking her food on]
Gordon: Am I seeing right? You've got a three-burner wok there. Is that a pizza oven?
Shelly: Yes, that is my pizza oven. And the wok. I love it, chef.
Portia: (passes between Gordon and Shelly) Sorry, chef.
Gordon: Shelly, how can you cook soul food in a wok?
Shelly: Watch me, chef! Watch me!
Mateen: (interview) Soul food is supposed to be cooked slowly. Soul food is cooked with love and soul. Not in a wok. Shelly's cooking green beans in a wok, cooking rice in a wok, cabbage in a wok. We're not a Chinese soul-food restaurant. We don't need a wok, ok?
Gordon: (to Mateen) That's a first to me. A Southern food restaurant with a Chinese wok and a pizza oven?
Mateen: Yeah, the oven that doesn't work, right there.
Gordon: Tell me what's working, apart from you.

Leone's [5.02][edit]

Mike & Nellie's [5.03][edit]

Luigi's D'Italia [5.04][edit]

Gordon: Wow, it's crazy. How does the family restaurant not run as a family?
Dominica: They don't get along.
Grace: Because he doesn't belong in this restaurant. (to Luigi) Is is true, or no?
Luigi: Yeah. We have laziness, it's like an infection. What happens is, when Tony is here, and Linda's here, they have no understanding that number one is the customer. No sitting around. No looking at the TV.
Gordon: Watching TV when customers come? Is that true?
Tony: I don't -- I don't think that's true.
Grace: Tony, he don't care about the customer. He wants to sit and play the computer.
Tony: I care about this restaurant. Now, honestly...
Grace: No. He play with the computer here, come on!
Luigi: The complaints say the people feel neglected.
Tony: But the complaints, like, "I don't want to come here when she's there!"
Gordon: Customers that don't want to come when you're working? What's that all about?
Grace: I don't know.
Gordon: I was just asking. I'm listening.
Tony: She's got people that she kisses ass, and they love her. She's got other people that gets blunt in her face, and hate her. Is it right to basically go up to the customer and say, "Fuck you! Get the fuck out of here"?
Grace: NO! I DIDN'T SAY THAT! I DIDN'T SAY, "FUCK YOU!" NOW TELL THAT IS BULLSHIT, OKAY? SAY THE TRUTH!
Tony: That's what you said.
Grace: NO! I DIDN'T SAY, "FUCK YOU!"
Linda: (to Gordon) This is what happens.
Grace: Yeah, yeah, yeah. (to Gordon) You tell, I did it right or did it wrong?
Gordon: I'm just trying to figure out what happened. I mean, I wasn't here. Did she say, "Fuck you"? Did she not say, "Fuck you"?
Tony: I thought she did.
Luigi: She said that to you.
Tony: Oh, yes, she did.
Gordon: What did you hear?
Luigi: She didn't say that. She said that to you! You forget!
Tony: No, no. She got into...
Luigi: Why are you forgetful? YOU GOT TO BE HONEST!
Tony: I'm being honest!
Luigi: You want this guy (Gordon) to help you, or not?
Tony: I'm trying to get him to help me!
Luigi: Then, you got to say what it is!
Tony: I AM!
Luigi: NO, YOU'RE NOT! YOU'RE LYING!
Tony: I'M NOT LYING! YOU GUYS ARE LYING!
Luigi: "I think she said, 'Fuck you!'" YOU THINK OR SHE DID?
Grace: OKAY! ALL RIGHT!
Tony: SHE DID SAY, "FUCK YOU!"
Luigi: WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE TO TALK?! We are losing the business...
Grace: (points at Tony) BECAUSE OF HIM!!! BECAUSE OF HIM!!!
Tony: (to Gordon) See, that's why we don't get along.

Revisited: Gordon Returns 6 [5.05][edit]

Greek at the Harbor [5.06][edit]

Burger Kitchen (Part 1) [5.07][edit]

Gordon: [reads menu] Executive chef... David Blaine?
Alan: Yes.
Gordon: What, the magician?
Alan: No, no, no, he's not the magician. He's just coincidentally the same name. He was the head pastry chef at the Peninsula Hotel.
Gordon: Now he's the executive chef of the burger restaurant?
Alan: Yes.
Gordon: David Copperfield your dessert chef?
Alan: [humorlessly] No.

David: I follow the recipes as I am told by the owners and if I try to change the recipes, I am tossed out of here.
Gordon: What?!
Alan: That's not quite true.
David: It's not true?
Gordon: Come on, guys, man up.
David: [mutters] Been drinking again.
Gordon: Drinking again?
Gen: My husband doesn't drink.
David: I don't know. I don't know. I can't get the truth out of anybody here.
Gordon: Explain this to me, Gen.
Gen: He does have a lot of control in the kitchen.
David: That's not true, chef.
Gen: What about the mushrooms? You changed the whole recipe and you added wine.
David: You didn't want salt on the mushrooms. Let's tell the truth.
Gen: Did you add wine to the mushroom recipe?
David: That's how you make sautéed mushrooms.
Gen: I just asked you a question. Did you add wine?
David: Yes, ma'am.
Gen: You didn't tell anyone that you added wine to the mushrooms.
Alan: Honey, you're missing the point. You're focusing on a mushroom.
Gen: Mushrooms are important to me. I'm from Poland.
[Gordon shakes his head in disbelief]
David: I think a lot of the problem is, instead of putting sugar in that coffee, put a little Prozac in it.
Gen: David, I just want the truth.
David: This is the truth: I would be better off as a brain surgeon than you running this restaurant.

David: That Gen is a liar, dude. She can't tell the truth.
Chef: She's crazy.
David: The whole place should be on fuck LSD, man.

Burger Kitchen (Part 2) [5.08][edit]

Michon's [5.09][edit]

El Greco [5.10][edit]

Revisited: Gordon Returns 7 [5.11][edit]

Park's Edge [5.12][edit]

[Gordon has found rotting food in the refrigerator]
Gordon: [showing moldy lemons] Look what's in the box. Who turns the produce over? Who turns the freshness?
Jorge: That's my staff.
Gordon: Really? [tosses the lemons away] Fuck me! Seriously?
Jorge: Why throw my lemons like that for? Why are you taking my product and throwing it away?
Gordon: THEY'RE MOULDY, YOU PILLOCK! Do you want to see some more? Stay there! Chicken. (smells) Fucking hell! Look at this. What's this for? [Shows dehydrated potatoes] When were those made?
Jorge: Those were made today. Those are not going to be served to the public.
Gordon: They're not going to be served to the public.
Jorge: I'm telling you that I'm not going to serve those!
Gordon: So you're saving them for what? Talk to me then.
Jorge: Those were from this morning.
Gordon: You bullshitting little fucker!
Jorge: You're the little fucker! I'm telling you, those were made today.
Gordon: Oh, right!
Jorge: If you don't believe me, that's your responsibility.
Gordon: Okay, so, you're lying through your teeth!
Jorge: I am not lying through my teeth.
Gordon: Yes you are! You can't even tell me the truth. Do you know why? Because you don't know and you're a fucking joke!
Jorge: [throws the potatoes away] You're a joke too, man!
Gordon: Are you going to walk off then?
Jorge: All you're doing is hammering it!
Gordon: Do you know what? What upsets me more than anything is that you don't realize you're playing at running a restaurant. And the minute you start looking at yourself in the mirror and stop blaming the people around you, the quicker you may get this place turned around. Got it? Good! Fucking joke!

[During prep for relaunch night]
Jorge: Okay, so you do the frying station.
Matt: I will not cook a chicken wing.
Jorge: What's that?
Matt: I do not feel comfortable frying a chicken wing unless she wants to put on a pair of orange shorts and serve it.
Jorge: They're here to train us. Are you going to turn around and give them a hard time? Check yourself before you check them out, okay? Not going to happen again. (interview) He has this huge ego about frying chicken. It's really irrelevant. He're here to do what I tell him to do, not what he wants to do.
[Jorge and Richard bring Matt outside to talk with Gordon]
Gordon: What's going on?
Matt: You put a bunch of fucking chicken wings on the menu and somebody ought to fucking put on some orange shorts out there and serve it.
Gordon: Okay, so how about a little bit of respect and showing these two guys?
Matt: Well how about fucking respect a fine dining restaurant and not fucking put chicken wings on the menu?
Gordon: A fine dining restaurant?
Jorge: Are you fucking listening to us?
Gordon: Who the fuck do you think you are?
Matt: Who do you think I am? A guy who knows when a menu sucks!
Gordon: How dare you get jumped up and tell the owners that the menu's shit because you think you know better? Well, why aren't you doing better? Why haven't you got a restaurant? How about having the intelligence to calm down and to start again?
Jorge: Is that possible? Yes or no?
Matt: It's possible.
Richard: Will you do it? Yes or no?
Matt: Yes.
Richard: Thank you.

[During dinner service for relaunch night]
Matt: This is fucking ridiculous!
Gordon: Come on, Matt. I know you hate the wings but just serve them please. Hate me, don't hate the wings.
Matt: You got your orange shorts? Orange shorts!
Gordon: Cut the shit till the end of service. Okay big boy?
Matt: Come on!
Gordon: Hey you, why do you want to fuck around and take the piss? Let me tell you something really important.
Matt: What's that?
Gordon: I have fucking forgotten more than you know. Just serve the food and shut the fuck up, smart-arse!
Jorge: Matt, what is the big deal?
Matt: I'm trying to have a good time.
Jorge: You're not having a good time, you're trying to make life tough.
Matt: I'm having a good time.
Gordon: Why is he acting like this?
Melanie: Because he's a jackass. (interview) Matt is beyond the weakest link. You're here to do a job, do it!
Matt: Pork belly's in the window.
Gordon: Matt, that's overcooked. I know you don't care but I do. And you're supposed to be working hard tonight to get this place turned around. Why are you now trying to sabotage it? Mr. bullshitter thinks he can't fucking cook a chicken wing! Can't even drop a piece of pork belly in the fryer. Look at it, dry, piece of overcooked pork belly! You're going to start sending us down.
Jorge: Matt, you're seriously going to fuck me over right now?
Matt: No.
Jorge: Why are you being a piece of shit with me?
Richard: (interview) I don't know if there's something wrong with Matt or not. I'm not a violent man by any means, but if he fucks it up for me tonight, I will literally...do something.

[after Matt sends an overcooked pork belly for the second time]
Jorge: Matt, why are you fucking up service tonight? You're making me look like shit.
Matt: Just chill out with the fucking drama.
Jorge: What did you say?
Matt: Chill out with the drama!
Jorge: Get out of here! Right now! Get the fuck out, right now! You know what? That's it. (shoves Matt) Get out of here!
Matt: Alright, fine. That's cool if you're going to be serious like that. (leaves)
Richard: Matt, see ya!

Spin A Yarn [5.13][edit]

Charlie's [5.14][edit]

Gordon: (to Tatiana about bad meatballs) What's your complaint about the meatballs?
Tatiana: He said it was toasted on one side, not toasted on the other.
Gordon: Right, why don't you tell your fucking chef?!
Casimiro: Okay, you cook it!
Gordon: Now's he's getting upset with me because I called him out. When a guy can't make a meatball or even season one, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. And then when I watch a chef that cooks and sticks food up there and holds it, and we're not talking homemade food, we're talking bought in store made bought. My god, it hurts.
Casimiro: Okay, you cook it!
Gordon: And look at that for a stinking attitude! Look at that! A disgusting attitude! Ask him to put his house in the fucking mix. If his house was on the line, he wouldn't be cooking like a fucking idiot! (Casimiro laughs) Now he thinks it's funny!
Tatiana: What the fuck are we going to do?
Gordon: You think it's funny? Yeah? It's a joke!

Cafe Hon [5.15][edit]

Gordon: [Looking for the restaurant] Restaurant with flamingo. [Stops in surprise as he sees a giant pink flamingo above the restaurant] Holy Mackerel. Look at the size of that thing. Wow. Are you serious? Look at that. Wow, wow, wow!

[After dinner service chef Greg sitting out back as Chef Ramsay comes out as well]

Gordon: Oh shit, uh what the fuck is that all about?
Greg: It's (Bleep).
Gordon: Honestly?
Greg: Yeah.
Gordon: (Shakes head) I mean is she really like that?
Greg: Yes.
Gordon: How do you concentrate like that?
Greg: You can't, I mean you really can't!
Gordon: Not only is she 86ing everything in the middle of service.
Greg: I really can't tell you.

Chiarella's [5.16][edit]

Zocalo [5.17][edit]

Season 6[edit]

La Galleria 33 (Part 1) [6.01][edit]

La Galleria 33 (Part 2) [6.02][edit]

Mama Maria's [6.03][edit]

Ms. Jean's Southern Cuisine [6.04][edit]

[Gordon has been served a pork chop so dry that he sets it upright on the plate]
Gordon: How sad is that? Honestly, come on. How...fucking...depressing...is that? It's like the map of America. [points around the pork chop] Start on the East Coast. There's California, where that little dark spot is. Come to central, Midwest. Then we have Seattle. We're here. [points] Pittsburgh. God bless America. [swats at a fly] Fuck off, fly.

Barefoot Bob's [6.05][edit]

[Showing Marc and sous chef Chris the freezer and what he found in there]
Gordon: Look. [Showing bag of pork belly that's raw]
Chris: Oh what, that is pork fat.
Gordon: Just hold that two seconds; that's next to this: [Pulls out container of chicken wings not frozen] Fucking wings, and the top is soaking wet because it's fucking full of condensation! And this! [Pulls container out] Who grabs that out there and doesn't think about changing the bowl. Who could be that dirty? Chili?
Chris: Chili.
Gordon: Fuck around the outside. LOOK AT THE MESS OF THIS PLACE! It's fucking ridiculous! SOMEONE FUCKING MAN UP! [Stares at Chris who is petrified] Young man, you are running a business! Whole wings, next to the fucking raw pork? You'll kill everybody!

Revisited #8 [6.06][edit]

Olde Hitching Post [6.07][edit]

Levanti's Italian Restaurant [6.08][edit]

Narrator: After Chef Ramsay discovered rotten chicken...
Gordon: Look at how slimy it is!
Narrator: ...and moldy sauce...
Gordon: You disgusting pigs.
Narrator: ...Dino and Gina blame the shut down of the restaurant on...
Dino: (to the customers) Chef Ramsay has shut us down.
Gordon: Dino, you're telling them that I'm shutting it down.
Narrator: And now, Chef Ramsay is determined to give a more accurate description.
Gordon: (walks out to the dining room) Ladies and gentlemen, may I just have your attention for 30 seconds? First of all, my apologies, but I'm not going to BS anybody. I am not shutting this restaurant down, I am stopping the owners from serving this disgusting mess! From chicken that's already slimed, off, gone, to basil that was never fresh, to a tomato sauce that's actually caked in mould. I am not going to sit here and blame party for that.
Dino: Oh my god. I'm embarrassed.
Gordon: And whilst I'm totally appreciative of you for leaving your homes and coming tonight for dinner, I've got too much respect for you and too much respect for the industry. I am not going to be part of this any longer. My sincere apologies. (walks to the door and bumps into it, not realizing it's a pull door) Fucking door!

Sam's Mediterranean Kabob Room [6.09][edit]

[after Gordon returns his gyro]

Jamal: You guys didn't cook the gyro right. Rubbery as it was.
Emad: Shut the fuck up! You're stupid!

[as Gordon was served overcooked lamb shank, the Najjar brothers were arguing within the diners' earshot]

Jamal: You guys can't do your job right!
Emad: Why don't you shut the fuck up!?
Sam: Hey!
Emad: What!?
Sam: I don't want to hear any shouting in the kitchen!
Emad: Why don't you tell him to shut up?
Sam: Yeah. You too.

[back at the dining room]

Gordon: It looks anaemic, the colour's dreadful, and it tastes just like bland, boiled lamb.

[at the kitchen, the brothers are still arguing]

Jamal: You shouldn't be giving out garbage food. Are you serious?
Samer: You take over!
Emad: Why don't you take over!?
Jamal: I should!
Emad: Then do it!
Jamal: If you don't want it, then get out!
Emad: Do it!
Jamal: If you don't want it, then get out!
Emad: You're stupid!

[at the dining room, the customers can hear arguing]

Gordon: (to Leina) Do me a favour, send that back to fucking New Zealand.
Leina: Okay.
Gordon: (overhearing Jamal, Emad, and Samer arguing) What's going on there?
Leina: They've been arguing, because he's (Jamal) telling him (Emad) that he doesn't know how to cook.

[the brothers are still arguing as Ramsay speaks]

Emad: Idiot, dude. Just go back to the front.
Jamal: Horrible. Horrible.
Emad: Who cares about his opinion?
Leina: He says that the lamb, it just tasted like it was boiled in water. And he said, "Send this back to New Zealand."
Sam: (testimonial) He tried it and he said, "There is no flavor in it!" But I believed myself I make the best lamb shank here in California. (back at the kitchen) I don't really know what to do. (waves a pan at Emad as if wanting to hit him with it)
Jamal: What were you doing again? Oh, yeah. Cook your food wrong.
Wesam: Nobody's talking to you! Stay back there!

Leina: Chef Ramsay wants to see everybody, outside.

(the Najjar brothers goes out of the kitchen to the dining room)

Gordon: Before I start talking about the dishes, what was the fighting going on there?
Wesam: He just like to come back and argue pretty much about nothing.
Jamal: Actually, when we get a complaint, I tell them what's going on, and they can't take criticism.
Samer: No, that's not it.
Jamal: Let me talk!
Samer: You're making it seem that you're better than everything!
Jamal: (to Samer) So why are you still talking when I'm talking!? (to Gordon) If I come back there and let them know, "Hey, this is dry", "Hey, the hummus is messed up"--
Wesam: No, we really accept that. But the fact that you come over there and, "Hey, you guys can't cook. You guys are shit"--
Jamal: I didn't say that!

(the brothers continuing to argue)

Leina: Okay, okay!
Sam: That's what I have everyday.
Gordon: Can I start talking about my lunch? The "combo plate": eggplants, out of the can; hummus, bland; falafel, bland. Sam, you recommended lamb shank, but the bones were disintegrating. When the bones start disintegrating, that's three hours over-cooked.
Sam: I don't know what to tell you.
Gordon: Have you given up?
Sam: Not yet.
Gordon: Top sirloin: it was miles away from medium rare.
Jamal: Umm! (condescendingly points lips at Emad)
Emad: What are you "umm"-ing about? Shut up!
Jamal: Okay, no, no.
Emad: I have nothing to do about --
Leina: Okay, okay.
Gordon: What's wrong?
Emad: He's (points at Jamal) making a scene like it's all my fault. He said, "Umm, umm" (mimics Jamal's condescension) like I'm doing something wrong.
Jamal: Yeah, who's been messing up all day before you walked in? So you know who's here, can't you just, like, step up?
Emad: You should have stepped up!
Jamal: I'm telling you guys what's wrong --
Randah: Okay. He (Jamal) wasn't in that position that day, so stop putting the blame on him. You guys (points at Emad, Wesam, and Samer) were cooking.
Jamal: Who cooked his (Ramsay's) food?
Wesam: You were criticizing us all day!
Randah: Even if he was criticizing, you guys cooked the food!
Jamal: You guys were giving messed-up food. That's what happened, right? Then try it! Then tell me what you think.
Gordon: I've never seen anything like this. (to Emad) Have you given up
Emad: (nods) Kind of.
Gordon: "Kind of." Do you care?
Emad: Not really.
Gordon: It shows you don't care.

Nino's Italian Restaurant [6.10][edit]

Mill Street Bistro Part 1 [6.11][edit]

[Overlaid with the chefs taking food out of the freezer and nuking it in the microwave]

Joe: We do things with passion, with integrity... the food here at the Bistro is the freshest, hands down.

[Joe's infamous "micro-carrots"]

Gordon: And these are... little carrots?
Joe: Micro-carrots.
Gordon: Micro-carrots? From...
Joe: From a local farm.
'Gordon: Do you not think you should let it grow a bit?
Joe: Well, I don't think they're there to be really eaten, they're for garnish.
Gordon: Okay.
Joe: It's a garnish. Nice to add some color.
Gordon: Oh.
Joe: But I would like to explain what we're spending on micro-carrots.
Gordon: Yeah. Can we go through this after?

[Gordon hands the carrots to Joe]

Joe: [interview] I have staff here that'll take care of that. You don't hand me raw food in MY dining room.

Mill Street Bistro Part 2 [6.12][edit]

Joe: [starts making an elk quesadilla] Do you want to see how we make this crap?
Gordon: I haven't got the appetite Joe.
Joe: I know because you wouldn't come over here and say "Don't get it that crispy." or "Don't do that with it."
Gordon: What the fuck are you on? What the fuck are you on? I won't come over here saying "Get that a bit crispy." An elk quesadilla that you want confirmation that it's a fucking good dish? When are you going to pull your head out of your arsehole?! For a man who stands there and boasts at his fucking farm and his goats and you want me to talk about this?! Seriously?! Wake up Joe! You're joking aren't you?
Joe: We're making these two these. You know what I'm saying? I know you don't like the dish.
Gordon: It's disgusting Joe!
Joe: So you wouldn't give me any input on it?
Gordon: Get rid of it!
Joe: You want me to get rid of it right fucking now?!
Gordon: I would! I would!
Joe: You're in a fuck! We don't have it!
Gordon: Oh here we go! Here we go!
Joe: We don't have it!
Gordon: Here we fucking go!
Joe: Make yourself clear.
Gordon: Stop asking such ridiculous questions! "Come over here and tell me it's crispy."! ARE YOU THAT STUPID?!!
Joe: Don't fucking serve the thing right?
Gordon: WHO'S RESTAURANT IS IT?!!
Joe: It's my fucking restaurant!
Gordon: THEN ASK!! WHO'S RESPONSIBLE?!!
Joe: I'm asking for fucking help!
Gordon: THEN WAKE UP!!!
Joe: YOU WAKE UP!!
Gordon: IDIOT!!
Joe: Fucking come in here and help me instead of running your jaw!!
Gordon: YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN BE IN THE KITCHEN! GET OUT!! GET OUT!! (to Tom) Let's finish it. Finish it. (to Joe) FUCK OFF THEN!!
Joe: Fuck off!
Gordon: (throws the quesadillas on the floor) Yeah, and take that shit with you! That's right, we're stopping an elk quesadilla! Breaking news in Mexico!
Joe: That's not what I'm asking!
Gordon: GET OUT!!! Now we got rid of the fucking problem. Unbelievable. Unfucking real.

Yanni's (6.13)[edit]

Gordon: Greasy as anything. It's a huge ball of grease. I love moussaka, but that is miles off. Moussaka? Mou-suck.

Prohibition Grille [6.14][edit]

Rishi: I thought it would be a good idea to open a restaurant.
Gordon: Were you intoxicated at the time?

Chappy's [6.15][edit]

Gordon: Looks like Chappy took a crappy in my gumbo.

Amy's Baking Company [6.16][edit]

[Gordon catches with Samy pocketing the tips]
Gordon: Wow. Ten-dollar tip?
Samy: Yeah.
Gordon: Nice. For you?
Samy: Of course, yeah. Why not?
Gordon: Don't you think the girl deserves some tips tonight?
Samy: No. They get paid hourly.
Gordon: And so, did you think that if I went and asked every customer that when they leave a tip, it goes straight to the owner and not to the server, do you think they'd be astounded? Let me ask that table there. (to the customers at the table) Sir, the tip that you left to the young lady server, the owner takes the tips.
Customers: That's horrible!
Samy: No, no, no, no!
Gordon: DON'T FUCK WITH ME!
Samy: Yeah, I will fuck with you! Who the fuck do you think you are!?
Amy: Oh, my god. Samy's going to hurt him.
Gordon: I'm fed up. I'm getting sick and tired of your bullshit.
Samy: Don't speak with me like a villain.
Gordon: Why not fucking answer my question? Then fucking answer my question.
Samy: I am the gangster, not you.
Gordon: Tell the customers they're going to get their tips.
Samy: No, they don't!
Gordon: They should be told that you're taking them, because these servers deserve them.
Samy: You want to speak with me?
Gordon: Yeah, I want to speak with you.
Samy: You want to fuck with me? I will fuck with you.
Gordon: Then, I will fuck with you.
Samy: I will fuck with you.

Gordon: I can't help people... that can't help themselves... that cannot ever take one ounce of criticism. And if you're not willing to change, I'm not going to butt heads, argue, scream, whatever you want to say. But, this is not normal. And it's not normal for a restaurant to go through that many staff. It's not normal for a kitchen that small to have 65 items on the menu. And it's not normal for the level of animosity that you built inside this restaurant and outside. You have the right to run the business the way you want to run your business. I have the right to do the right thing. And the right thing for me... is to get out of here. Good luck.
[Gordon leaves via the restaurant's front door]
Samy: This is what you wanted?
Amy: Yeah, of course this is what I want. I'm not participating in this shit, give me a break! (points to her microphone) Take this thing off me. (interview) We don't need his help! Maybe he knows that.
[the production crew is shown dismantling the camera and lighting equipment]
Crew member: It all has to come down.
Amy: (interview) Now he's gone, he walked away. He'll go on with his life, and Samy and I will go on with our life.

Gordon: Well, it's finally happened. After almost a hundred Kitchen Nightmares, I met two owners who I could not help. It wasn't because I didn't want to, it was because they are incapable of listening. And in a short period of time, they've managed to piss off the community and go through over a hundred employees in one year. Samy and Amy continued to blame everyone else, yet their biggest problem is themselves. And I know whatever changes I would've made, they were never going to stick with them and that's why I've decided to do something I've never done before. It's such a shame.
[Gordon walks to and enters his car, starts the engine, and drives off]

Season 7[edit]

Return to Amy's Baking Company [7.01][edit]

Pantaleone's [7.02][edit]

(Paulette has just placed a HUGE pizza in front of Gordon]

Paulette: Here's your sausage pizza.
Gordon: [eyes wide as saucers] Holy crap...
Paulette: Isn't that ridiculous?
Gordon: [facepalms] It's like the pizza that ate Denver.

[Remarking on a disappointing meatball hero sandwich]

Gordon: Definitely not a hero, there. There's a typo on the menu. It's not "hero", it's "zero".

[After pouring a sinister yellow liquid off his linguine with clams]

Gordon: Looks like one of the worst urine samples you could ever give.

[After Gordon conducts a taste test... and Pete's pizza does not exactly come out looking good...]

Gordon: I think, Pete, you've overestimated how good your pizza is. ... I did a little research in Denver. Here's the results in a nutshell. 75 percent preferred the pizza from the top local Italian restaurant. In second place, with 15 percent of the votes, was the store-bought frozen pizza. And in third, and last position, was yours with only 10 percent of the votes. You're actually beaten by a store-bought fucking frozen pizza. Get the message?

Pete: I love you, you old Brit.

Old Neighborhood [7.03][edit]

Gordon: How can I help two individuals who don't care about what they're doing?
Randy: We do care.
Alexa: We care tremendously.
Gordon: So, why didn't you do anything before I got here?
Randy: We did. I can't tell you how many hours we cleaned.
Gordon: You cleaned before I got here?
Randy: I threw out my clothes on Monday, I was so encased with grease.
Gordon: How long?
Randy: How many hours?
Gordon: HOW MANY DAYS?!
Randy: Five?
Gordon: Fuck! WHAT THE FUCK?!!
Alexa: We just need to stop.
Gordon: [walking out of the restaurant] What a fucking mess!

Kati Allo [7.04][edit]

[food comes from lift]
Gordon: What is that? Where is this coming from?
Chef: This is for the special.
Gordon: For the special. That's all hot. No, I know, but wait. It's all hot. Where is it coming from?
Chef: Downstairs.
Gordon: So you have a team of chefs downstairs as well?
Chef: No. Only one woman... put in the microwave.
Gordon: Only one woman?
Chef: Yes. That's all the work she do.
Gordon: [yelling down the lift] Hello? Hello? Hello? Wow. [talking to Christina] Christina, there's a lady downstairs that heats this stuff up.
Christina: Yeah, she puts these in the microwave.
Gordon: What is that?

Mangia, Mangia (Part 1) [7.05][edit]

Julie: Our spinach has never never never never NEVER looked like this!!
Kevin: This restaurant runs like the Jerry Springer Show.
Mike: The food... isn't cooked with much love. It's cooked with stress and a microwave.

Mangia, Mangia (Part 2) [7.06][edit]

Gordon:[handing Mike a dish of lasagna] Okay, now into the microwave for four minutes--

[Mike, out of habit, reaches for it. Gordon yanks it back.]

Gordon: (Bleep). Are you serious?!

[Everyone laughs.]

Gordon: You're good at taking orders, but you've got a brain. Use it.

Zayna Flaming Grill (Part 1) [7.07][edit]

Gordon: I've got a little quiz. Are you ready for this? ... How do you spell 'bistro'?
Mark: B-I-S-T-R-O.
Gordon: Uh-huh, good. Now, how do you spell 'dining'?

[Mark puzzles for a moment]

Mark: D-I-N-N-I-N-G.

[Gordon rolls his eyes] [Amel laughs]

Gordon: So, you wrote this menu?

[Mark laughs, nervously]

Zayna Flaming Grill (Part 2) [7.08][edit]

Bella Luna [7.09][edit]