Kitchen Nightmares

Kitchen Nightmares is a reality TV series on FOX where Chef Gordon Ramsay visits failing restaurants across America and tries to help them turn around. It aired its first episode on September 19th, 2007

Season 1

Dillon's [1.02]

Gordon: (finds a half tomato) Where's that from? That's been sliced. That's gone out. Where's that-- Hey madam, where's that tomato gone?

(the other half is being served on a dish in the dining room.)

Gordon: (digging through the slugs in the tomato.) Look! It's (bleep) rotten, you (bleep) idiot! IT'S ROTTEEEEEEEEN!! Has a customer just been served a slice of tomato?!!

Server: No, no, no.

Gordon: So where is it?!!

Andrew: (interview) Oh my god.

(A customer starts eating the other half of the tomato.)

Martin: (interview) Things are looking pretty glum.

---

Gordon: No one is getting served from this (bleep) restaurant tonight! Let's make that clear! Yes or no? Anyone against that?

Andrew: No.

Gordon: No, good.

Martin: (interview) That didn't go down too good. He was extremely angry and extremely pissed off.

Gordon: We are not...ever...again serving any of this food. I don't give a (bleep) what anyone says. Can you go and tell them that the kitchen is closed? Right now! Out there and tell them the truth! Tell them now!

Andrew: (interview) Gordon was so outraged. So angry. I've never seen anything like it.

Gordon: (who can be heard in the dining room) FROM GREEN BURGERS, TO (bleep) FURRY CUCUMBERS, TO (bleep) RANCID POTATOES!!!

The Mixing Bowl [1.03]

[The New York Dragons were not on the reservation list thanks to Mike]

Lisa: (interview) The Dragons were supposed to be on that list and Mike just forgot!

Lisa: How is that missed? How is that overlooked?

Mike: Someone-- the dragons just...

Lisa: Mike, that's what I'm saying.

Mike: I'm not sure what transpired.

Lisa: (interview) It was so upsetting. The was no Dragons on there!

Gordon: My god. For me, it's the most important table. That's embarrasing.

Lisa: You're overlooking extremely important things!

Mike: I was not told about the Dragons. I found out...

Lisa: Well, why do you keep saying that?

Mike: (losing it) Because I wasn't!! I wasn't told!!

Lisa: Excuse me, do not talk to me like that!

Mike: I was told at 7:00 this morning. THAT IT!!! Seriously, I'm pissed off!! DRAGONS ON THE PAPER!!! I'm pissed off!! Not my fault!! Dragons over here, I put them on at 7:00. COULD WE PLEASE MOVE ON?!!! THAT'S IT!!! NOT MY FAULT!!!

Seascape [1.04]

Gordon: (after tasting the crab cakes) They've got it wrong on the menu. It's not a crab cake. It's a crap cake. Because if I eat anymore, I'll be busy crapping for the next hundred and five years.

---

Gordon: Twice baked potato. Thank (bleep) I missed that one twice.

---

Gordon: (finding frozen ravoli that he had for lunch) Bingo. These were my fresh lobster ravoli. Fresh? My (bleep) ass. I've eaten this (bleep)!

---

Gordon: I've never done that before, close down a restaurant, but that was a (bleep) embarassment. Seascape open? (slams closed sign over open one on sandwich board) Close the (bleep) place.

Sebastian's [1.06]

Gordon: (on the over-elaborate menu) You can't push an inherently-faulty concept. That's like shining a turd...absolutely futile.

Lela's [1.08]

[Gordon brings Buzzard (Daniel) back to Lela's after Buzzard stole leftover wine and food.]

Gordon: [shows Lela the stolen food] This is Buzzard's little picnic. Nice little sandwich there, ham, cheese, mustard. Oh, nice big salad. And main course, we're going to tackle some New Zealand lamb.

Buzzard: I know where that came from.

Gordon: Stop laughing. Here we are with a restaurant that's financially (bleep) screwed and you're just helping yourself to wine and a four course dinner.

Lex: (interview) He takes little things every now and then, but I haven't seen him do something like that in a while.

Buzzard: Now, listen. I'm not gonna stand there and argue with you. You can have that! Okay? (Walks out)

Gordon: This lady owns it. Buzzard? Unbelievable.

Lela: (interview) We were thinking that he was doing that but I hadn't caught him in the act and today, well there it is.

---

[Buzzard comes to work next morning]

Lela: (interview) I hate to have to fire anybody, but then you get to the point where if I can't get them to change what they're doing or whatever, then I have to get rid of him.

Gordon: Can I see your eyes? Take your glasses off. (Buzzard takes off his shades) Buzzard, anything that belongs inside this restaurant belongs to Lela. Yeah? End of story. Nothing gets taken off this premiscise.

Tabitha: (interview) If it was up to me, I'd fire Buzzard's ass.

Gordon: I get lots of people stealing from me and I just have one discipline, anyone who steals from me is out. End of story. Because, the message you send, They all see you do it, they all do it. Anyway, Lela, you're the one who's got to make the decision, it's your restaurant.

Lela: Yeah, so you know, I'm sorry but this is going to be it. All right? This is it.

Tabitha: (interview) Buzzard ain't gonna be back here. He ain't gonna be buzzing around here and he's truly a buzzard.

The Secret Garden [1.10]

Gordon: (taking off his jacket.) (Bleep) hell.

Narrator: With the restaurant on the verge of success, Chef Michel is insisting on reverting back to his old ways and Gordon has reached his breaking point.

Michel: Thank you very much.

Gordon: Cut the (bleep). You don't care anymore. Just get straight to the (bleep) answer.

Michel: I'm not cutting no (bleep). I'm just telling it like it is.

Gordon: Get straight to the (bleep) answer.

Michel: Alright? Your menu's not better than mine, you know?

Gordon: You're a donkey.

Michel: My food has been voted best Chef in Ventura county.

Gordon: WHAT?!!!

Michel: Yeah, listen.

Gordon: Hold On, Hold On. Let me finish!! Let me finish!! You put your (bleep) hands up here and listen to me. YOU RUN A (bleep)HOLE OF A KITCHEN!!! (Bleep) YOURSELF!!!

Michel: NO! NO! NO!

Gordon: (furious) (bleep) OFF!!! Who the (bleep) are you to turn around and tell me when you work like a PIG?!!! YOU FRENCH PIG!!!

Michel: Pig?

Gordon: YOU (bleep) PIG!!!! You're a lazy pig! You're so full of (bleep)! Open your eyes! Take a look around.

Michel: Big mouth! You're not happy?

Gordon: I'M (bleep) HAPPY!

Michel: Go on! You can get out!

Gordon: (flips Michel off) (Bleep) YOURSELF!!

Michel: You can get out! It's my (bleep) kitchen!!!

Gordon: Is It? Well if it's your (bleep) KITCHEN THEN CLEAN IT YOU LAZY (bleep)!!!!!

Michel: (flabbergasted) No.

Season 2

Black Pearl [2.05]

Gordon: A restaurant run by three passionate owners? No chance. Brian, he works two days a week. David, well I don't trust him one little inch. And as for Greg, well he's pissed off at both of them. Basically in a nutshell, Sleepy, Dopey and Grumpy. Who am I? Snow (bleep) White?

Hannah & Mason's [2.07]

Gordon: What a beautiful, quaint little town. I can't think of a better way to spend Valentine's Day than at Hannah &... (sees that the sign is missing the N from "Mason's") Maso's? I guess they couldn't afford the "N." That's not a good start.

---

[Gordon goes down to the walk in fridge]

Gordon: I cannot believe that this is how you guys are running a restaurant!

Chris: (interview) Through my head, I was thinking "We're going to be screwed!"

Gordon: That's what in there?

Chris: That's the walk in freezer.

Gordon: That's the walk in freezer? Look at the mess in here! What's this here?

Brian: Bacon.

Gordon: Bacon. Yeah obviously bacon smart ass! That's from lunch? Yeah, five years ago! You leave a spatula in there like that? I'm sorry. No. I cannot believe what you guys are doing here.

Chris: There was so much going on. My head was spinning. My head was about to explode. I thought to myself, this is a disaster.

Gordon: What's that in there?

Brian: (Bleep) that didn't get put away?

Gordon: (finds cooked chicken sitting next to raw chicken.) Oh my god.

Chris: I don't know what the (bleep)...

Gordon: Oh (bleep) off! Oh my god! Oh no!

Chris: This is not good.

Gordon: RAW CHICKEN!

Brian: That should never happen.

Gordon: Oh my god! CHRIS, THERE'S (bleep) CHICKEN AGAINST RAW CHICKEN!!

Chris: It's (bleep)...

Gordon: HEY PANINI HEAD, LISTEN TO ME,

Chris: Yes?

Gordon: YOU'RE GOING TO KILL SOMEONE! I'VE EATEN HERE!! Partners? Partners in crime! You should be ashamed.

Brian: We are ashamed.

Gordon: You've just contanmanated the town!

---

Gordon: This is not a romantic eat-out. This is a Valentine (bleep) massacre!

Sabatiello's [2.09]

[Dover sole stuffed with imitation crab meat is being sent back to the kitchen]

Sammy: What's the matter with this?

Waiter: She said it's not fresh, she said it's no good.

Gordon: It's (bleep) watery.

Sammy: Let me have a taste. How bad is it? (tastes it) It's not bad though! It's not bad! It's not bad! (Gordon tastes it and spits it out.) Ohhhh no! Come on! He spits it out. It's not bad.

Gordon: You're (bleep) delusional. It's mushy. It's watery. It's fake.

Sammy: It's not the right crab meat. You're right.

Gordon: And it's (bleep) disgusting. You're jumping up and down like a big (bleep) baboon and "Ho, ho! It's good!" Whoo!

---

Gordon: Watching this restaurant perform is embarrassing. Fake (bleep) crab meat inside of sole? It's pretty obvious, it's become the appendix of restaurants in Stamford. You just want to get rid of it and get it out.

---

Narrator: With food now coming back, it's a perfect opportunity for Gordon to witness Sammy's customer service skills.

Sammy: How did you want your meat cooked? Did you want it rare?

Lady: I wanted it medium rare.

Sammy: So can we make you another one? Will you wait or you don't want it all?

Lady: I'll wait, but the thing is I don't want you to stick it back in a microwave.

Sammy: No, we're going to throw that out and make you a new one. Nobody's talking about microwave. You're the one who's talking about microwave.

Lady: It came out of a microwave, otherwise it wouldn't be exsuding heat.

Sammy: Do you work for a microwave company? You know so much about microwave. Unbelieveable. Unbelieveable. Get the (bleep) out of here. Tell her to take a hike.

Customers: That is rude. Wow. To speak to a customer like that, that's disgusting.

[Later when the lamb is recooked and brought back to the lady, the restaurant breaks out in applause]

Sammy: No wait, we're not done yet. I wanna see you cut into it. How is it? Is it still too rare?

Lady: You know what? I'm done. No more chances.

Sammy: Unbelieveable. (interview) Oh my god. I just wanted to pick her up and throw her out. There's a right way and a wrong way of handling something like that and she was totally wrong.

Fiesta Sunrise [2.10]

[Gordon finds a tray of ground beef with dried up fat covering it.]

Gordon: What is that?!!

Vic: Ground beef.

Gordon: Ground beef?!! Half of it's (bleep) fat you idiot! It's fatter than you!

---

Gordon: The fridge is full of (bleep)! It's, it's DISGUSTING! I wasn't here on Saturday, but what were they expecting? (Bleep) ten thousand customers for lunch? Patti, I'm (bleep) disgusted. Yolanda, that's a joke.

Yolanda: I understand. (interview) I don't want people to get sick and I don't want them to spread the word that the food is bad here.

Gordon: (to Vic) You're overstaffed. Underworked. (bleep) food! I wouldn't trust you running a bath, let alone a (bleep) restaurant! You must be out of your tiny mind!

Vic: I care for the restaurant.

[Gordon grabs a huge bucket full of stale refried beans]

Gordon: I wanna take that out there. I dare you, take it out there. Go on, give it to them! Yeah, there you go.

Vic: Excuse me?

Gordon: Look at me! Why won't you take it out there?

Vic: That's embarrassing.

Gordon: Yeah, it is embarrassing. WHY ARE YOU SERVING IT?! YOU DON'T (bleep) CARE!

Vic: Why?

Gordon: Why?! Because you're serving that and trying to charge people money for that. That's why you don't care.

Vic: I care for-

Gordon: YOU DON'T CARE (bleep)! No (bleep) way!

[Gordon picks up the bucket of beans, carries it through to the dining room, and places it on a table in front of the shocked diners]

Gordon: (Bleep)! Ladies and gentlemen! I'm so sorry but we're stopping service. Everything you've had to eat, drink so far is all on the house. Sir, that thing you have in your hand, put it down! Because if you just seen where it came from like I have, you wouldn't be eating it. Very sorry. Close up. (to Vic) No bill anywhere!

Vic: (interview) I was like "What the hell are you doing?" You can't do that to my customers.

Gordon: By the way, there's your refried beans on the way out. Have a look at them.

---

Gordon: You can't run a (bleep) restaurant like that!

Vic: You think I'm mad? I'm (bleep) embarrassed now.

Gordon: You should be (bleep) embarrassed. I'm not putting one foot in that place 'til that place is (bleep) cleaned. Yes?

Vic: You're right.

Gordon: Now you start getting those guys cleaning, yes?

Vic: Definitely.

Gordon: Put some (bleep) pride! Do you understand the word pride?!

Vic: Yes.

Gordon: It's not possible for someone to have his head so far up his (bleep). (bleep) me.

Season 3

Casa Roma [3.07]

Gordon: This is incredible. Right through those doors has to be for me one of the worst restaurants I've ever seen in my entire cooking career. The chef doesn't give a (bleep), the owner's completely clueless and not any form of communication between the kitchen and the restaurant and the management. It's a (bleep) shandles.

---

[8:58 PM, two hours into dinner service]

Gordon: What are we waiting on Ashley?

Ashley: I'm still waiting on chicken pancotta with penne marinara, an individual kids pepperoni pizza, half order spaghetti with meat sauce, eggplant parmesean with angel hair meat, chicken pancotta angel hair marinara, three chicken parms and a veal parmesean ...for just one table. (interview) I really felt like crying because it was that embarrassing for me.

Gordon: Erick, can I have your undivided attention?

Erick: Sure.

Gordon: Nothing's happening. We served one table of four, one table of two. For the last three tickets, half an order's gone out, the other half is still on the board. You haven't got a clue what's going on. You're (Drew) running around crazy. What chance have we got serving 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, tables? You asked for one more crack at lunch time. "Let me go big boy! Let me go! I want to do it again!" We're spinning around and serving (bleep)! Do me a favor, close the (bleep) restaurant! I can't stand any longer and watch that embarrassment. I need the door (bleep) closed! Forget it! Good night!

---

Gordon: I can't even start with a chef that can't even know how to cook something basic. Why are you pulling a chef that is that incompentent? Darling, he's not in the slightest bit of interest of (bleep) making it work, he doesn't give a (bleep) about his cooking, doesn't give a (bleep) you and he's here for one thing and one thing only, money. And the only restaurant that (bleep) guy will ever get a job is in a restaurant that doesn't have any customers. If you've got any chance of surviving here, get rid of him. What are you scared of? Talk to me.

Nylah: Where am I going to find another chef?

Gordon: Drew. What's wrong with Drew?

Nylah: Drew, I think can carry it on.

Gordon: So get rid of him!

Nylah: Okay.

Gordon: Unbelieveable.

Erick: Babe, I'm sorry.

Nylah: No, no, just wait a minute. Jeremy come here.

Erick: I feel real bad.

Nylah: The whole thing is, this isn't the first time you've let us down. I just can't do it. I know but I just can't do it. You guys get your paycheck every week. Jeremy and I never take a dime out of here.

Erick: We understand that.

Nylah: I know but I mean, the whole thing is not going to work because you...

Erick: Okay so what do you want to do?

Nylah: We're going to part ways.

Erick: Okay that's no problem. Dammit! I (bleep) on that deal.

Nylah: (interview) He couldn't pull off lunch, couldn't pull off dinner and so we just had to let him go. You know I can't do this.

Season 4

PJ's Steakhouse [4.03]

[Gordon orders crab cakes]

Gordon: Somebody spit on my food? What is that?

Server: It's coulis mango sauce.

Gordon: Oh, coulis mango. Thank you. [she leaves] Looks like something out of a modern art museum. Splat! Okay... [takes a bite] Wow. That's (bleep) disgusting. It's rancid. Plastic bits of crap running through the crab cakes.

---

Gordon: PJ's Steakhouse? "Pathetic Joke"! That's what it stands for!

DownCity [4.07]

[Gordon has found rotting food in the refrigerator]

Gordon: You haven't got a head chef?

Abby: Jimmy is my head chef.

Gordon: So we have a head chef. Before, you weren't ready to confirm he was a head chef. All of a sudden, we discover this mess down here. Now, he's appointed.

Abby: Rico, why don't we just sell the place and just get out of the business?

Gordon: Why don't we what?!

Abby: I was talking to Rico. It has nothing to do with you.

Gordon: Has nothing to do with me?

Abby: No.

Gordon: Excuse me? What do you think I'm doing? I'm trying--

Abby: You're being a (bleep, bleep)! This wasn't like this. I don't run a kitchen like this!

Gordon: Hold on a minute. You're calling me a (bleep, bleep)?

Abby: I am!

Gordon: You stuck up precious little bitch! Let me tell you something!

Abby: Oh boy. Here we go.

Gordon: Listen to me!

Abby: I'm not going to listen to you.

Gordon: You're in denial!

Abby: I'm not in denial!

Gordon: Yes you are! You can't even (bleep) accept it!

Abby: (Bleep) you!

Gordon: And you walk out again!

Abby: I am! (Flips off Gordon) (Bleep) you! (walks upstairs)

Gordon: There you go. Flip the bird? (to Rico) That's your attitude and that's your partner? I'm really sorry but this wasn't like this before I got here? She's deluded, that woman.

Abby: You are insane!

Gordon: Blame me all you want! Easy excuses that you're insane!

Abby: I'm insane? You're insane!

Gordon: You can't even handle the (bleep) truth!

Abby: That refrigerator was not like that before you got here.

Gordon: You're in denial. Flip out again!

Abby: I would never allow my refrigerator to go like that.

Gordon: And those BONES?! The moldy lamb bones?!

Abby: I don't even talk to my staff like this! Why don't you get the (bleep) out of my restaurant?!

Gordon: You want me to go? I will go.

Abby: I would love you to go! Get the (bleep) out of my restaurant please!

Gordon: YOU ARE SO IN DENIAL, YOU NEED THERAPY!!

Abby: You're a disgrace to this industry! (Bleep) you and get out of my restaurant! Are you still here?

Gordon: (to the cameraman) Not now guys, please, please.

Abby: (Bleep) him!

Capri [4.12]

Narrator: It's an hour into dinner service.

Gordon: (finding a bag of defrosted chicken) Oh my god almighty!

Narrator: And Chef Ramsay has just discovered a lethal mistake, spoiled chicken at Capri.

Gordon: You'll (bleep) kill somebody!

Jim: What am I supposed to say?

Gordon: Take it off the (bleep) menu! (Jim steps out of the kitchen and walks into the dining room.)

Jeff: Jim! Jim!

Jim: Out of the way! (announcing) Ladies and gentlemen! Due to circu-- circumstance, we have no chicken tonight. (Gordon groans) My apology to everyone here. If you just want to have what you're eating now and leave, I understand fully and I apologize.

Gordon: Hey, there may have been a more subtle way of doing that.

Jim: Get out of my way, (Bleep)! We cancelled all our chicken orders. We got screwed!

Gordon: Will you stop acting like a baby?

Jim: Oh, grow it out of your (bleep)!

Gordon: Excuse me?!

Jim: You heard it!

Gordon: Hey, you need a little diaper changing? That time of night?

Jim: I'll give you something!

Gordon: A little poo-poo? Cack your pants?

Jim: (interview) He's the baby. He's the one that's whining over everything. I don't need to hear this crap.

Gordon: Jim, why do you have to behave like this?

Jim: I'm not going to get yelled at!

Gordon: You're acting around like a big baby. I'm just asking you to grow up a little bit! Show a little respect for what you're trying to cook.

Jim: (Bleep) off!

Gordon: Oh my god! You big wet noodle! Do you want a blanket and a bottle?

Jim: Do you need one? Upside the head?

Jeff: Jim, stop it please.

Gordon: Oh my god. What a spoiled brat!

Jim: (Bleep) you!

Jeff: Jim, shut up please! You're not helping the cause. (Jim's pan catches fire.)

Gordon: Oh my god! Now he's setting himself on fire.

Jim: I hope so.

Gordon: (To Darian) Are they always acting this childish?

Darian: Oh yeah. They don't get their way, they cry or throw a temper tantrum.

Gordon: Oh my god. To walk into the dining room like that and scream.

Darian: That's what I said. A temper tantrum. (interview) There's a part of me that's very satisfied to see the boys finally get what they deserve. A lesson in humility.

---

Jeff: By the way, we have HOMEMADE MEATBALLS!

Oceana [4.14]

[Gordon's blackened duck has been brought back to the kitchen]

Moe: Oh, my God. [groans] It's tough?

Rami: Look how tough the duck is!

Moe: You said it's tough?

Rami: It is tough, man! Cut it! And look- I'm 500 pounds, and look... [tries to cut it]

Damon: It is not tough.

Rami: The meat is tough!

Moe: I'm hungry and I'm gonna (bleep) eat 'em up myself.

Moe: [interview] That's my favorite dish on the menu. And that duck is not going nowhere. This is gonna stay quackin' on my menu.

Moe: I don't give a (bleep) if he doesn't like it. [takes a bite] Man, this duck is so (bleep) good, man.

---

[No one is giving Gordon a straight answer about when the duck was cooked]

Gordon: HOLY (bleep)!

Moe: I know when the (bleep) duck was cooked! I know!

Gordon: WELL, THANK (bleep) FOR THAT!!! SOLVE THE MYSTERY!

Moe: We cook the duck off the premises. And we usually cook it about once a month.

Gordon: You cook the duck off the premises?

Moe: Yes, in our commissary kitchen.

Gordon: And it stays in the fridge for a month?!

Damon: Freezer.

Gordon: OH, (bleep)!

---

Gordon: (finding tons of pasta in the fridge) I'm trying to help you understand a method to your madness.

Damon: Hey (bleep)! I'm not the one who just said it was done yesterday. I asked my prepper.

Gordon: You can call me a (bleep) all you want. So get (bleep) angry with me.

Damon: You're standing here hearing me ask the person who knows and I gave you his answer.

Gordon: Right, who's the (bleep) chef around here?

Damon: I am.

Gordon: Right. Bags of jumbalaya, in the fridge. Warm. Have you any idea what happens to bags of jumbalaya in the fridge when it's still warm in the center?

Chef: Grows the bacteria?

Gordon: Grows the bacteria. (finds bins of crabs) And how many crabs are you selling chef over the next (bleep) three months? Loss for words...Really?! Another box of crabcakes. When were these made? No date you see chef!

Moe: (interview) There was nothing but dollar signs going through my mind. Soft shell crabs, jumbalaya, crawfish thrown straight down the garbage. Chef Damon just took the money right out of our pockets.

Gordon: (finds a dirty tray) I don't what you think you should be taking out of containers and sort of cleaning out your fridge from time to time. One more (bleep) question to you, who's the (bleep) now chef?

Damon: I am.

Gordon: I didn't come in here to humiliate you, but how DARE YOU serve me food from this disgusting fridge and stand there and call me a (bleep) chef! Excuse me, chef.

---

[Gordon walks to where the grill is smoking]

Gordon: Who told you to put oil under there?

Chef: Damon.

Gordon: The chef? So you spray the grill with oil? (cough, cough) (bleep, bleep)!

---

Moe: I NEED THIS (bleep) PLACE SCRUBBED DOWN, TOP TO BOTTOM! I WANT THE TVs WIPED! I WANT THE PIANO WIPED! I WANT THIS PLACE CLEAN! WHAT PART DON'T YOU (bleep) UNDERSTAND?! [throws down a chair] WE JUST SHUT DOWN THE (bleep) RESTAURANT!!! TONIGHT!!! NOBODY SEEMS TO GET THAT (bleep)!!! CLEAN THIS (bleep) MESS!!!

---

Gordon: I'm going to do some work in the kitchen. Do you have any recipes...on pen and paper?

Moe: (points to his head) Right here.

Gordon: What?!

Moe: Right here.

Gordon: So why aren't they on pen and paper? Why haven't we got a database?

Moe: I like to keep my recipes secrets. If I put them on a piece of paper, I don't want anyone to steal them.

Gordon: (Bleep) hell. Oh (bleep). So you're worried that somebody gets the recipe and copies it.

Moe: Anybody changes my recipe, I'm going to kill them. It's my recipe.

Gordon: Rami, help me out here. Is this for real?

Rami: This is what we do everyday chef. [Gordon laughs]

Moe: You think it's funny but believe what I tell you.

Gordon: I don't think it's funny, You're just a little bit deluded.

Moe: Well you know what? The recipes are in my head.

Gordon: (incredulously) Are you stupid?!

Moe: I am not stupid.

Rami: Moe, you are stupid. (interview) The kitchen absolutely don't know what the (bleep) to cook because the recipe is in Moe's head! It's crazy.

Moe: Don't call me stupid in my (bleep) restaurant! You understand that you need to learn to talk to people?! This is New Orleans! You understand?!

Gordon: Wow...

Moe: This is New Orleans! Don't (bleep) come down here talking to us like that!

Gordon: Calm down...

Moe: I have NEVER been chewed up like you chewed me up! (in interview) We got nothing but swamp around here! Anybody who talk like that get chopped up and fed to the (bleep) alligators!

Gordon: I'm not here to blow smoke up your (bleep) ass, let me tell you that. I'm here to fix this restaurant. But you are one obstacle, aren't you?

Moe: No, I'm an easy-going guy...I listen, I work hard....

Gordon: But you're a..."busy idiot."

Moe::....I don't think he gets it that he needs to watch his language.

Rami: But you're not getting that he's here to help us.

Moe: But I'm not calling him an idiot, he's calling me an idiot.

Gordon: "Busy" idiot.

Moe: Busy idiot.

Gordon: You're working hard in the wrong places.

Moe: I mean, I feel like flipping the (bleep) table right now.

Rami: Did you hear what he said? He just explained it, you're working hard in the wrong places.

Moe: Busy idiot! Is he kidding me?! (in interview) I will stand up, beat the (bleep) out of him, and show him who the (bleep) idiot is!

Gordon: What is it you want? A fight?

Moe: (long pause) My problem is, I wanna make this restaurant successful.

Gordon: So do I. I'm here to help. I don't want to see you running around killing yourself like a busy idiot. I've just gone over the fact that we haven't got any recipes on paper, and all in your head. You're worrying about writing them down for some other chef copying them and making their restaurants more successful than yours. I'm in the real world. That's where I am. You're treating me like one of your (bleep) staff. Well, let me tell you, Moe, I'm not a member of your staff. Flip the table, punch me, do the (bleep) what you wanna do. But don't (bleep) with me.

Season 5

Park's Edge [5.12]

[During prep for relaunch night]

Jorge: Okay, so you do the frying station.

Matt: I will not cook a chicken wing.

Jorge: What's that?

Matt: I do not feel comfortable frying a chicken wing unless she wants to put on a pair of orange shorts and serve it.

Jorge: They're here to train us. Are you going to turn around and give them a hard time? Check yourself before you check them out, okay? Not gonna happen again. (interview) He has this huge ego about frying chicken. It's really irrelevant. He're here to do what I tell him to do, not what he wants to do.

[Jorge and Richard bring Matt outside to talk with Gordon]

Gordon: What's going on?

Matt: You put a bunch of (bleep) chicken wings on the menu and somebody ought to (bleep) put on some orange shorts out there and serve it.

Gordon: Okay, so how about a little bit of respect and showing these two guys?

Matt: Well how about (bleep) respect a fine dining restaurant and not (bleep) put chicken wings on the menu?

Gordon: A fine dining restaurant?

Jorge: Are you (bleep) listening to us?

Gordon: Who the (bleep) do you think you are?

Matt: Who do you think I am? A guy who knows when a menu sucks!

Gordon: How dare you get jumped up and tell the owners that the menu's (bleep) because you think you know better? Well, why aren't you doing better? Why haven't you got a restaurant? How about having the intelligence to calm down and to start again?

Jorge: Is that possible? Yes or no?

Matt: It's possible.

Richard: Will you do it? Yes or no?

Matt: Yes.

Richard: Thank you.

Charlie's [5.14]

Gordon: (to Tatiana about bad meatballs) What's your complaint about the meatballs?

Tatiana: He said it was toasted on one side, not toasted on the other.

Gordon: Right, why don't you tell your (bleep) chef?!

Casimiro: Okay, you cook it!

Gordon: Now's he's getting upset with me because I called him out. When a guy can't make a meatball or even season one, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. And then when I watch a chef that cooks and sticks food up there and holds it, and we're not talking homemade food, we're talking bought in store made bought. My god, it hurts.

Casimiro: Okay, you cook it!

Gordon: And look at that for a stinking attitude! Look at that! A disgusting attitude! Ask him to put his house in the (bleep) mix. If his house was on the line, he wouldn't be cooking like a (bleep) idiot! (Casimiro laughs) Now he thinks it's funny!

Tatiana: What the (bleep) are we gonna do?

Gordon: You think it's funny? Yeah? It's a joke!