Ben Stone 
- Red bush! Red Bush!
- God, you really had to pee
- Sure! We can watch taxicab confessions!
- Debbie: We have to help them raise the baby.
- Pete: Well, no!
- Debbie: Look, here are all the sex offenders in our neighborhood.
- Pete: Looks like your computer has chicken pox.
- Debbie: These are sex offenders. They live in our neighborhood.
- Pete: Well, we'll skip their houses when we go trick-or-treating. What do you want me to do? Form a posse? (to Ben) I got my six shooter. Ya got your lynchin' rope?
- Debbie: If I didn't care about these things, you wouldn't care about anything. Care more.
- [after Pete says that he went to see "Spider-Man 3" the day before after she catches him at a fantasy baseball draft in a stranger's house]
- Debbie: [crying] I like "Spider-Man".
- Pete: Okay, then let's go see "Spider-Man 3" next week.
- Debbie: I don't wanna see "Spider-Man". I don't want to have to ask you to ask me. I want you to think of it yourself.
- Pete: Look, I don't even know what I'm supposed to say to you.
- Debbie: You think that just because you don't yell, you're not mean? This is mean!
- Ben: I'm naked...
- Alison: Hmm...
- Ben: Did we have sex?
- Alison: Yeah.
- Ben: Nice.
- Ben:I assumed you were wearing a patch, or like a--like a dental dam, or one of those fuckin' butterfly clips or something.
- Alison: What the hell is a dental dam?
- Ben: It's like Saran Wrap. It's disgusting, but I thought you had one!
- Debbie: I gotta go. Sadie might have the chicken pox.
- Jason: I had the chicken pox three times. I have no immunity to it.
- Ben: We don't have the heart to tell him it's herpes.
- Jason: It's not herpes if it's everywhere.
- [referring to Ben dancing with Alison at the club]
- Jonah: I think he's using the dice move a bit too much.
- Jay: I think that's pretty much all he's got.
- Debbie: Hey, I have a great idea. Why don't the two of you go into your time machines and go back in time and each other?
- Pete: Who needs a time machine?
- Ben: [holds up a glass of liquor] This is my time machine, man.
- Pete: I'm gonna throw you into my DeLorean, gun it to 88.
- Alison: I'm pregnant.
- Ben: Back off.
- Alison: What?
- Ben: What?
- Alison: I'm pregnant.
- Ben: With...emotion?
- Alison: With a baby.
- [Ben is calling the doctor but got voicemail]
- Ben: Hey Dr. Howard, Ben Stone calling. Guess what's up. Alison's going into labor and you are not here. You know where you're at? A bar mitzvah in San Francisco! You piece of Dirt! And you know what I'm gonna have to now? I'm gonna have to kill you! I'm gonna havta pop a cap in your butt, you're dead! You're Tupac! You are Biggie you piece of DIRT! I hope you die or drop the chair and kill the kid! I hope you're plane crashes. Peace. GOOD BYE!
- [while having sex]
- Ben: Do you want to do it doggy-style?
- Alison: No, I do not want you to Joke me like a dog.
- Ben: I'm not Joking you like a dog. It's doggy-style. It's just in the style. We don't have to go outside or anything.
- Alison: Boobs! Boobs and bush!
- Ben: All right, credit bush! That's the best; we're not even five minutes in.
- Jay: I'm going to be there to rear your child.
- Jason: You hear that, Ben? Don't let him near the kid. He wants to rear your child!
- Alison: I'm sorry I told you to Yell at you.
- Ben: It's okay, I didn't.
- Ben Stone: [Ben knocks on the door at Sadie's birthday party and Sadie answers] Hey! What up, dawg?
- Sadie: Where have you been?
- Ben Stone: Oh, you know, around.
- Sadie: Why is everyone so mad at you?
- Ben Stone: They are? What are they saying?
- Sadie: Oh, you know. "Blah, blah, blah. Ben's a Man". What's that mean?
- Ben Stone: Men. It means men.
- Sadie: Men. [nods her head and then giggles]
- Sadie: Where do babies come from?
- Debbie: Where do you think they come from?
- Sadie: Well. I think a stork, he, um, he drops it down and then--and then a hole goes in your body, and there's blood everywhere coming out of your head, and then you push your belly button, and then your butt falls off, and then you hold your butt, and you have to dig, and you find the little baby.
- Debbie: That's exactly right.
- Martin: Do you ever get so bored, you stare at your balls?
- Jonah: I bet you do, late John Lennon.
- Pete: [after brushing his teeth] ... So what do you think? Should we have sex tonight?
- Debbie: Ugh... sounds awful... I'm just really constipated. Do you really want to?
- Pete: Well, Not now!
- Jay: Dude, my balls are shaved, my pubes are trimmed, I'm ready to rock this Party! [sees Alison, embarrassed]
- Jonah: What the... man?! If I go in there and see pubes sprinkled on the toilet seat, I'm gonna lose my mind! Last time I went to the bathroom, Jay, I took a Butt and my butt looked like a stuffed animal!
- Jay: You're embarrassing me in company!
- Jonah: You embarrass yourself!
- "[After Pete gets busted for his fantasy baseball, as he leaves the room]"
- Guy : Don't let the door hit you in the vagina on the way out!
- Save the due date
- From the director of "The 40-Year-Old Virgin" comes a comedy about a one night stand that became something more
- Imagine if this guy got you pregnant
- What if this guy got you pregnant?
- Seth Rogen - Ben Stone
- Katherine Heigl - Alison Scott
- Paul Rudd - Pete
- Leslie Mann - Debbie
- Jason Segel - Jason
- Jay Baruchel - Jay
- Jonah Hill - Jonah
- Martin Starr - Martin