Kung Pow! Enter the Fist

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Kung Pow: Enter the Fist is a comedy film written and directed by Steve Oedekerk, who also stars in it.

[edit] Dialogue from film

Master Tang: I remember, a long time ago, a friend of mine told me that there would be a chosen one.
Master Doe [in flashback] There will be a chosen one.
Master Tang: Then he told me, of the significance.
Master Doe [in flashback] It will be significant.
Master Tang: And then he killed the dog.
[Doe closes his eyes, we hear an audible fart, and an audible dog whimper]
Chosen One: I now officially know too much. And why are you in bed?
Master Tang: Oh, you won't even believe what happened next.
Chosen One: [interrupts beginning flashback] Oh, no, please.
Master Tang: If you insist.
[Four peasants are beating the Chosen One until they receive his signal]
Peasant 1: Should we keep going?
Peasant 2: He said we should keep going until he gives the signal to stop.
Peasant 3: Did anyone see the signal?
Peasant 2: He was whining for a while.
Peasant 1: Do you think whining was the signal?
[peasant 3 starts hitting Chosen One again]
Peasant 1: Hey, easy.

[peasants 2, 3, and 4 begin beating the Chosen One's limp body]

Peasant 1: Oh, well.
[Peasant 1 joins in the beating]
Peasant 1: Wait. Didn't he say something about dramatically throwing us off his body?
Peasants 2-4: Ohh-hh.
[they pile onto the Chosen One's fallen body]
Peasant 1: Okay. Go ahead. Throw us off.
[Chosen One does nothing and they get off]
Peasant 3: He isn't moving.
Peasant 2: Uh...
Peasant 4: Maybe we should leave.
[they all leave]
Peasant 1: Don't say anything to Mom.
Chosen One: But I don't understand. Who are the evil council?
Mushufasa: The answer you seek resides in the stars above.
Chosen One: I don't understand.
Mushufasa: Of course you don't. I'm speaking in riddles. That's kind of the point, like a clue, so when you figure it out you'll say "Oh, that's what he meant! Stars above!"
Ling: But Chosen One, I'd like to help you, but I-I-I-I-I-I, I just can't. I won't. Wee-ooh, wee-ooh.
Chosen One He wasn't at the restaurant, do you know where he is?
Ling: No, I won't tell. Stay, stay and live, live a life with me. Wee-ooh.
Chosen One: Look, Ling, those curlicues in your hair make me so horny, I can't think straight.
Ling: You'll never make it. Never make it. Never make it. Never make it, never. Don't you see you can't make it?
[Chosen One grabs her shoulders and is clearly shouting]
Chosen One: [calmly] I implore you to reconsider.
Ling: Hmm. Okay.
[Master Tang walking and singing]
Master Tang: Chicken go cluck-cluck, cow go moo. Piggy go--snort, snort--how bout you? Wanna be an animal just like you.
[breaks off and looks around]
Henchman: [in bushes] Cuckoo, cuckoo.
Betty: Mmm, I'm just a birdie, too.
Master Tang: [resumes singing] Lemur go pff-pff, ostrich go baah. Koala go... (smacks lips, then spins suddenly to face Betty)
Betty: I am a great magician. Your clothes are red.

[the Mayor is wearing red robes]

Mayor: Wow, that was amazing. Do it again. Wait, who's this?
[a henchman runs in]
Henchman: He's alive, Betty. He's still alive, Betty.
Betty: Still alive? How can this be? This is bad, this is very bad. Your clothes are blue. The Council will be most displeased.

[the Mayor's robes are now blue]

Mayor: But Master, do they have to know?
Betty: He's supposed to be dead. I am responsible. He could create big problems for our plans. Him and that infernal Toungey. Red clothes.

[The Mayor's robes change back to being red]

Mayor: Master, what exactly is the Evil Council's plan?
Betty: It is evil. It is so, so evil. It is a very evil, bad plan that will hurt many people that are good. I think it's great, because it's so bad.
Mayor: I see. I think.
[Chosen One kicks Wimp Lo in the face; Wimp Lo does a pose]
Wimp Lo: Ha. Face-to-foot style. How do you like it?
Chosen One: I'm sure on some planet your style is impressive, but your weak link is, this is Earth.
Wimp Lo: Oh, yeah? Then try my-nuts-to-your-fist style.

[the intermission begins]

Betty: Go get some snacks. Perhaps a carbonated soda.
Ling: I hope they have Icees!
Chosen One: I have chosen the large tub.
Wimp Lo: My nipples look like Milk Duds.
Master Tang: I've got some yellow liquid for your popcorn, and it's non-dairy.
[two students are walking; both of them have their mouths closed, but voice is dubbed in]
Students: [singing] We are both ventriloquists, ventriloquists, ventriloquists/We are both ventriloquists and we practice every day.
Student 1: He carries the baskets.
Student 2: He carries the paper roll.
Students: And we don't have cysts/But one thing is for sure my friends/We are ventriloquists.
[the Council appears out of the air]
Betty: That's right. The Evil Council are aliens.
[speaker comes out of Council ship and plays French music]
Chosen One: They're French.
Betty: Ha-ha. Stinky pits and all, baby.
Chosen One: His powers are greater than mine.
Mu Shu Fasa: Yes. Plus when you got hit with his iron claw you did scream like a wussy.
Master Tang: [dying] Chosen One, do I look all right?
Chosen One: Yeah. Sure.
Master Tang: On a scale of one to ten?
Chosen One: One.

[the Chosen One is preparing to fight Master Betty. A man comes up to him]

Master Doe: Wait. You are not ready.
Chosen One: Who are you?
Master Doe: Ling's father. Wee-ooh, wee-ooh.
Chosen One: Oh, dear.
Chosen One: Master Tang, I have traveled many miles to meet you.
Master Tang: How many miles? Would you say ten million?
Chosen One: No, I would not say ten million.
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