Lano and Woodley
Lano and Woodley are a successful Australian comedy duo, comprising of Colin Lane and Frank Woodley. Their television show The Adventures of Lano and Woodley aired on the ABC network in 1997 and 1999.
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The Adventures of Lano and Woodley
- Colin: You stupid little skinny man!
- Video Store Guy: What about Silence of the Lambs?
- Colin: Nah, I'm not really into nature films.
- Col: (Dressed in the Penguin Man Costume) Hey look, I'm Penguin Man!
- Frank: Hello Penguin Man. I wish my friend Col was here. He loves you.
- Frank: Come on, Col, you're making a mountain out of a...very big hill.
- Colin: She was so beautiful. She had eyes...which was good, because the last girl I liked just had skin from the eyebrows down.
- Frank: You know, the actor guy! Oh, what is his name? See, the thing is... the thing is... the thing is that when I say his name, you’ll go, 'YES! The actor guy, love him, adore him!' But I can’t think of his name. It's on the tip of my tongue. (looks at tip of his tongue) You know who I mean - he’s got the hair... the eyes... a bit of a nose... and a mouth, and it’s all held together with... like a FACE!
- Frank: You know the strangest thing about Mr. Wilson? When he comes over he never says anything.
- Colin: Yeah, that’s because he is a mute.
- Frank: Oh right. (pause) What’s a mute?
- Colin: He’s a mute - he can’t talk.
- Frank: Ohh... No, I’m still not clear on this mute business.
- Colin: For some reason he is unable to speak.
- Frank: Ohhh... No, I still don’t get it.
- Colin: He’s a mute! He’s dumb!
- Frank: Yeah, well, I’m dumb too, but at least I’m polite enough to speak to people!
- Colin: Everyone else can die, but you cannot - WHY?
- Frank: Why do they call him Scott of the Antarctic? I mean, I have a friend called Russell who went to Thailand once, but I don’t call him 'Russell of Thailand'.
- Frank: Do you believe in Harold, Col?
- Colin: Harold? Who's Harold?
- Frank: Harold. That’s God’s name, everybody knows that. It’s in that prayer: 'Our father, who art in heaven, Harold be thy name'.
- Colin: She may not have been my flesh and blood, but she was still my mum. She was there when I learnt how to walk, she was there when I learnt how to ride a bike... and when I got bullied at school by a kid who stole my lunch money and gave me a wedgie by pulling my undies up my bum, it was her who advised me to give up teaching.
- Frank: That's it, tiger, walk to me!
- Colin: Frank, the baby's a week old! Little baby Cris...to...pher can’t walk anywhere!
- Frank: Well, that’s the sort of negative parenting that I've come to expect from you.
- Colin: You put the apple on your head and I'll shoot this arrow through your head... Through the apple on your head.
- Frank: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will only cause permanent psychological damage!
- Frank: I've got beard fear!
(Col is asking Frank to cut some wood and is holding a pile in his arms.)
- Colin: I don’t think you’re pulling your weight frankly!
- Frank: My name’s not Frankly!
- Colin: What?
- Frank: You dropped the Wood!
- Colin: Where?
- Frank: You called me Frankly - my name’s Frank Woodley. Frankly, it makes me uncomfortable.
- Colin: What makes you uncomfortable?
- Frank: Frankly!
- Colin: Yes, I'm glad you're being honest with me, what’s upsetting you?
- Frank: I don’t like it when you drop the Wood!
- Colin: I didn’t drop the wood! Frankly, I don’t what you’re talking about!
- Frank: Don’t call me Frankly!
- Colin: Just cut the wood!
- Frank: I’m not cutting the Wood, it’s part of my name!
- Colin: Grab an axe and cut up pieces of timber for me!
- Frank: ...Oh okay, why didn’t you say so?
(The pair are going on holiday, and are packing) (Colin produces an oar from the cupboard)
- Colin: Ba-da!!
- Frank: Why are you taking an oar?
- Colin: In case we hire a canoe.
- Frank: Yeah, but the canoes come with oars.
- Colin: I want to use my oar.
- Frank: But why?
- Colin: My great great great granfather gave this to me. It's one of my most prized possessions.
- Frank: Yeah?
- Colin: Yeah, he gave it to me just a few years back.
- Frank: But how could your great great great grandfather have given it to you? He must have died about a hundred years ago!
- Colin: He just... ohh, sorry. He's not my grandfather's father's father's father, he's just my normal grandfather. But he's a really great, great, great grandfather. He's really great! I love him!
- Frank: I'm gonna go on a long walk and collect autumn leaves.
- Colin: You'd better make it a long walk.
- Frank: Why?
- Colin: Because its SPRING...
- Frank: Take it into your back-face!
- Frank: Do you sense their enchantment?
- Colin: I sense their bewilderment!
- Frank: YOU CAN'T, YOU CAN'T!
- Colin: Don't call me that!
- Frank: (shouted while pointing a fire extinguishrer at Colin) Take it onto your right eyeball, so it freezes and can't move about, so when you try to look around, only your left eye moves, and your right eye stays completly stationary, and you freak James out!
- Frank: You know, that's typical of you. Every single time we get into an argument, you always get so hung up on... the truth.
- Colin: Okay, so I've had a bit of a chat with myself and I think you should call me something like... king-
- Frank: Col, there's no way I'm ever going to refer to you as my king! (Col gives him a nipple cripple) Stop it, you're hurting me Your Highness!
- Colin: Okay, that's good, so I'll be Ol' King Col, you know, "Ol' King Col, what a merry old soul, what a merry old soul was he!"
- Frank: Have you heard the second verse? It goes, "Ol' King Col, what a massive arsehole."
- Frank: Mrs Pickles, me and Colin are going to Hawaii for two weeks, could you please remember to feed our cat?
- Mrs Pickles: Okay.
- Frank: Thank you Mrs Pickles.
- Mrs Pickles: Okay.
- Frank: (Climbs down steps. Stops.) Oh. Mrs Pickles?
- Mrs Pickles: Yes?
- Frank: I just remembered something fairly important about our cat.
- Mrs Pickles: Yes.
- Frank: We haven’t got a cat.
- Mrs Pickles: Okay.
- Colin: Pointers for surviving in a tropical environment. Look it says here, um, beware of the following plants…
- Frank: (Gasps.) The following plants? I’ve never heard of following plants! What do they do after they follow you? Do they grab you and devour you with their woody limbs?
- Colin: No they do not!
- Frank: Do they eat you into their timber teeth?
- Colin: No they don’t!
- Frank: Col, come over here.
- Colin: No, don’t muck around with that okay, seriously, no seriously don’t muck around with that.
- Frank: I’ve come up with a new end for the show.
- Colin: Yeah, but I, look, we can talk…
- Frank: You know how it ends?
- Colin: Yeah, but…
- Frank: It ends by me going ‘TAKE THAT!’ (Tries to spray Colin with fire extinguisher. Nothing happens.) okay, TAKE THAT ALL ONTO YA! AND YOU CAN ALL TAKE IT ON YOU! Well, that’s a bit embarrassing. Because I don’t know how to MAKE IT ALL BE TAKEN ON YA! I thought I just, must have been out of stuff. Unfortunate, isn’t it. It would have been much better if I could have made it BE ALL TAKEN ON YOU! You know. I could have made it be TAKE THAT ON YOU ON YOUR BODICE! You know. That would have been better. If I could’ve um, TAKE THAT! TAKE THAT ONTO YOUR SKIN SO YOU GET A COLD BURN WHICH I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU COULD GET UNTIL ME AND CLEM WERE MUCKING AROUND WITH THIS BEFORE THE SHOW, AND I GOT ONE! (Colin turns and walks to the side of the stage. Frank follows.)TAKE IT INTO YOUR KNEES! ALTHOUGH I MEAN THE BACK OF YOUR KNEES AND I DON’T KNOW IF THAT’S CALLED YOUR KNEES CAUSE NORMALLY WHEN PEOPLE SAY KNEES THEY THINK OF THE FRONT. BUT IN THIS PARTICULAR OCCASION I’M REFERING TO THE BACK!(Colin sculls a bottle of water.)TAKE IT ONTO YOUR PINKY SO IT FREEZES AND BECOMES A WHITEY.(Colin finishes his drink and walks back to the centre of the stage.)TAKE IT ONTO YOUR BACK FACE! TAKE IT ON TO YOUR RIGHT EYEBALL, SO IT FREEZES AND CAN’T MOVE AROUND, SO THEN WHEN YOU LOOK AROUND, ONLY YOUR LEFT EYEBALL MOVES, AND YOUR RIGHT EYEBALL STAYS COMPLETELY STATIONARY, AND YOU FREAK JAMES OUT!
- Colin:(Long pause) If all the village idiots, in all the villages, left their villages, and formed their own village - OF IDIOTS - in that village, YOU would be the village idiot. Take that into your backface.
- Frank: Actually Col, I think you should TAKE THAT! (Whacks Colin in the face with the extingusher.)
Frank has climbed a tree to look for coconuts but he didn't find any so he speculates on what they could eat
- Frank: We could eat these palm fronds. (gnaws on the palm fronds) Oh no, they taste all plasticy
- Frank: Oh, oh, you know what that tastes like?
- Colin: What?
- Frank: That tastes like the shadecloth you get from Bunnings!
- Colin: Ah-ha
- Frank: Yeah, where lowest prices are just the beginning but nutritional value isn't the ending.
- Frank: Have you seen Lord of the Rings?
- Colin: No.
- Frank: That trilogy of films, that’s the most successful trilogy of films in all history and you know why?
- Colin: Why?
- Frank: It had a happy ending. It won 11 oscars cause it had a happy ending. Cause Frodo gets the ring and he throws it into the volcano at the end he destroys it. It’s a happy ending. He gets it back. Into the volcano with that big eye. I don’t know what that was all about. And he destroys it. It’s a happy ending. He goes through all those trials and tribulations but at the end he gets it back. He throws it in. it’s a happy ending. IT TOOK HIM NINE, FUCKING, HOURS! But he gets it back, he gets it in. it’s a happy ending. It’s happy. It’s a happy ending.
(After desperately searching for food, Frank resorts to eating the sand.)
- Frank: Awwwwwwww! I hate it when there's food in my sand!