Larry the Cable Guy
Daniel Lawrence Whitney (born February 17, 1963), better known by the stage name Larry the Cable Guy, is an American stand-up comedian and actor. He is one of the co-stars of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, a comedy troupe which also includes Bill Engvall, Jeff Foxworthy, and Ron White, with whom he has starred on Blue Collar TV.
Larry the Cable Guy has released five comedy albums, of which three have been certified gold by the RIAA for shipments of 500,000 copies. In addition, he has starred in three Blue Collar Comedy Tour-related movies, as well as in the films Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Delta Farce, and Witless Protection. He also performed the voice of Mater in the Disney/Pixar film Cars.
Git-R-Done (album) 
- [In reference to Playstation Football] Here's an idea! Why don't they make a button that says frickin' "pass"!
- Then there's a feller who got hit by a train! How the - how the heck do y'get hit by a train! I mean it's not like it'll jump up and attack ya at the last minute or nothin'! There's, like, a railroad there to give ya, y'know, a heads up sign! I tell ya, if you ever gonna get hit by a train, do this: [steps to side] TA-DA! There ya go! Attaboy!
- This lady's suin' everybody in the whole friggin' county! She's like-- she's like, "My husband got his leg bit by a shark and no one jumped in and saved him!" No shit, lady! It's a friggin' shark! Get off your fat ass and save him! That's jus' like asking a retard to go out and beat up Jackie Chan! Well, the waterhead's gonna get his ass kicked! I tell ya, put that shark out in the parking lot of Walmart, I'll kick the shit outa him! I'll beat him silly all day long!
- Oh like you never did that before! Every man - every man has done this! Just tuck your weiner between your legs, run around your house, lookit at yourself in the mirror, and say, "Oh, hey there, I'm Roseanne!" You know, like on the Rosie O'Fatass show.
- That was scarier than Richard Simmons chasin' after you with a box of rubbers!
- Boy I tell you what, if I were a girl, I'd never shave! I'd look like I'm smuggling around Chewbacca in my underbritches!
Git-R-Done (book) 
- (intro) Well, here we go. This is the first book I've written since 1975, when I was in the 7th grade and wrote Boogers Are Good Eatin'. (p. 1)
- I used to be a bitch. I met her at Hooters. She didn't have big boobs, but she could turn her head in a circle just like an owl. (p. 2)
- A great-great grandpa (there might be another great in there, I'm not sure) offered a gun and horse to anyone that would join the Confederacy in '64. Who cares if it was 1964. Give the guy a break. He had Alzheimer's and thought he was Jefferson Davis. (p. 5)
- Actually, you can make pretty good cash on stage without being a comedian or a stripper. My brother once won a talent contest by fartin' the song "Dixie" through an oil funnel. He not only took home 500 bucks, he got to meet Regis after the show. Who says dreams don't come true? (p. 11)
- I went to the Talladega 500 with a girl I had just met. She was very sweet with childlike qualities. No titties! (p. 113)
- I got so pissed I took a little poll to see if anyone was sick of gettin' taxed as much as I am. I called 100 people one night and here's the results: everyone I polled said, "You dumb ass, it's three o'clock in the morning!" (p. 131)
- Have you noticed lately how video games are getting way more sexually explicit and violent? I really gotta buy me one of them games! (p. 197)
- [M]y buddy Ron (Tater Salad) White talks about drinking my dip cup accidentally to swallow some aspirin. I was there when it happened and laughed my ass off. Was he amused? Of course not, but since it wasn't me drinkin' week-old Skoal spit it was downright comical! (p. 230)
Morning Constitutions (2007) 
- I didn't even know [my wife] was pregnant at first, cause I'd gotten used to her throwing up everytime we had sex...
- She was worried about the pregnancy cause she's little. She says, "When I have this baby, I want to be knocked out and unconscious." and I'm like "That's how ya were when you got pregnant!" But I did feel sorry for her, just pushing, and sweating, and screaming at the top of her lungs, and pushing... Now she knows how I feel after a couple of Hot Pockets! You ever have those Hot Pockets? She's in the bed there, (Grunting) I'm on the toilet next to her, (grunting) "I need another Epidural in here if you got one!"
- Did you know that when a baby poops its diaper, you're not supposed to hit him with a rolled up newspaper?
- Ever order breakfast at Denny's, and then you go to the bathroom and yer in there so long you gotta order lunch from the stool?
- I love to hunt, man. Went hunting once near a nuclear power plant and got myself a 34-point rabbit. We usually go there at night, cause all the critters glow in the dark!
- A friend of mine went fishing and caught a rainbow trout, but he threw it back 'cause he said he didn't want a gay fish.
- That show Biggest Loser is a dumb show. If I wanted to see fat people struggle with their weight, I'd go to my family reunion!
- [about Fruit of the Loom] What does fruit have to do with underwear? Except I guess when you pull your underwear down you go, "Oh, I should've eaten more fruit."
- My mom went to that same doctor and got a butt lift. It's a little too lifted, I think, alright. Now every time she farts only dogs can hear it.
- You can always tell when gas is really expensive, cause you'll see street gangs doing walk-bys.
- I had a buddy of mine call up the other day, all upset 'cause he slept with his third cousin. And I'm like, "Man, if it upsets you that much, quit countin' them!"
Tailgate Party (2009) 
- A buddy of mine was mad at his son the other day 'cause he got caught having sex with his teacher. I thought, "Hey, that's pretty cool!" Problem was, he was home-schooled.
- I'll tell ya the one thing you don't wanna buy at the dollar store - toilet paper. (laughs) I might as well have just used the dollar.
- Do you get so drunk you hump a cupholder?
- OJ isn't going to jail — he just changed his name to BJ.
- I was madder then a mosquito in a mannequin factory.
- Do deaf people have alarm clocks? I asked a deaf guy that one time, the sumbitch just stared at me.
- We always have a tradition at our family reunion, we always have the family tug-of-war, and this year it was my dad's side of the family against my sister-in-law. She wins every year! I swear, she runs on diesel. That's a fat bastard, right there! She went on a diet one time, Little Debbie laid off 500 employees. Last Halloween, she dressed in white, came as a blizzard.
- I like Halloween, you people like Halloween? [Audience cheers] I love it, too. My brother got in trouble last Halloween for toilet-papering people's houses. He said, "Dude, I didn't know that was illegal!" I said, "It ain't, but you are supposed to use fresh toilet paper. Pull your pants up and stop pooping in those pumpkins, too! For God's sake, you're the sheriff!"
- Did you hear about the high school football coach who got in trouble for letting his players have sex with his wife? How does that work? "Robinson! Get in there!"