Larry the Cable Guy

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Daniel Lawrence Whitney (born February 17, 1963), better known by the stage name Larry the Cable Guy, is an American stand-up comedian and actor. He is one of the co-stars of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, a comedy troupe which also includes Bill Engvall, Jeff Foxworthy, and Ron White, with whom he has starred on Blue Collar TV.

Larry the Cable Guy has released five comedy albums, of which three have been certified gold by the RIAA for shipments of 500,000 copies. In addition, he has starred in three Blue Collar Comedy Tour-related movies, as well as in the films Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Delta Farce, and Witless Protection. He also performed the voice of Mater in the Disney/Pixar film Cars.

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[edit] Git-R-Done (album)

  • [In reference to Playstation Football] Here's an idea, why don't they make a button that says frickin' "pass"!
  • Then there's a feller who got hit by a train! How the - how the heck do y'get hit by a train! I mean it's not like it'll jump up and attack ya at the last minute or nothin'! There's, like, a railroad there to give ya, y'know, a heads up sign! I tell ya, if you ever gonna get hit by a train, do this: [steps to side] TA-DA! There ya go! Attaboy!
  • This lady's suing everybody in the whole friggin' county! She's like, she's like, "My husband got his leg bit by a shark and no one jumped in and saved him!" No shit, lady! It's a friggin' shark! Get off your fat ass and save him! That's jus' like asking a retard to go out and beat up Jackie Chan! Well, the waterhead's gonna get his ass kicked! I tell ya, put that shark out in the parking lot of Walmart, I'll kick the shit outa him! I'll beat him silly all day long!
  • Oh like you never did that before! Every man - every man has done this! Just tuck your weiner between your legs, run around your house, lookit at yourself in the mirror, and say, "Oh, hey there, I'm Roseanne!" You know like on the Rosie O'Fatass show,
  • That was scarier than Richard Simmons chasin' after you with a box of rubbers!
  • Boy I tell you what, if I were a girl, I'd never shave! I'd look like I'm smuggling around Chewbacca in my underbritches!

[edit] Git-R-Done (book)

  • (intro) Well, here we go. This is the first book I've written since 1975, when I was in the 7th grade and wrote Boogers Are Good Eatin'. (p. 1)
  • I used to date a girl named Alice. I met her at Hooters. She didn't have big boobs, but she could turn her head in a circle just like an owl. (p. 2)
  • A great-great grandpa (there might be another great in there, I'm not sure) offered a gun and horse to anyone that would join the Confederacy in '64. Who cares if it was 1964. Give the guy a break. He had Alzheimer's and thought he was Jefferson Davis. (p. 5)
  • Actually, you can make pretty good cash on stage without being a comedian or a stripper. My brother once won a talent contest by fartin' the song "Dixie" through an oil funnel. He not only took home 500 bucks, he got to meet Regis after the show. Who says dreams don't come true? (p. 11)
  • I went to the Talladega 500 with a girl I had just met. She was very sweet with childlike qualities. No titties! (p. 113)
  • I got so pissed I took a little poll to see if anyone was sick of gettin' taxed as much as I am. I called 100 people one night and here's the results: everyone I pollled said, "You dumb ass, it's three o'clock in the morning!" (p. 131)
  • Have you noticed lately how video games are getting way more sexually explicit and violent? I really gotta buy me one of them games! (p. 197)
  • [M]y buddy Ron (Tater Salad) White talks about drinking my dip cup accidentally to swallow some aspirin. I was there when it happened and laughed my ass off. Was he amused? Of coursre not, but since it wasn't me drinkin' week-old Skoal spit it was downright comical! (p. 230)

[edit] Morning Constitutions (2007 album)

  • Out in San Fransisco, this is what they've got, a gay Mafia. If you're in a gay Mafia and get whacked, is that good or bad? [gay tone] "Say hello to my little friend!"
  • I dated this retarded woman once but we broke up, we couldn't agree on anything. I'd say "tomato", she'd say "bowling shoes!"
  • Did you know that when a baby poops its diaper, you're not supposed to hit him with a rolled up newspaper?
  • A friend of mine went fishing and caught a rainbow trout, but he threw it back 'cause he said he didn't want a gay fish.
  • [about Fruit of the Loom] What does fruit have to do with underwear? Except I guess when you pull your underwear down you go, "Oh, I should've eaten more fruit."
  • My mom went to that same doctor and got a butt lift. It's a little too lifted, I think, alright. Now every time she farts only dogs can hear it.
  • I had a buddy of mine call up the other day, all upset 'cause he slept with his third cousin. And I'm like, "Man, if it upsets you that much, quit countin' them!"
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