Las Vegas (TV series)
Las Vegas was an American television series that aired on NBC from September 22, 2003 to February 15, 2008. The show focuses on a team of people working in the fictional Montecito Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada—dealing with issues that arise within the working environment, ranging from valet parking and restaurant management to casino security.
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- 1 Season 1
- 1.1 Pilot
- 1.2 What Happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas
- 1.3 Donny, We Hardly Knew Ye
- 1.4 Jokers and Fools
- 1.5 Groundhog Summer
- 1.6 Semper Spy
- 1.7 Pros and Cons
- 1.8 Luck Be a Lady
- 1.9 Year of the Tiger
- 1.10 Decks and Violence
- 1.11 Blood and Sand
- 1.12 Hellraisers & Heartbreakers
- 1.13 The Night the Lights Went Out in Vegas
- 1.14 Things That Go Jump in the Night
- 1.15 Die Fast, Die Furious
- 1.16 New Orleans
- 1.17 You Can't Take It with You
- 1.18 Nevada State
- 1.19 Sons and Lovers
- 1.20 The Strange Life of Bob
- 1.21 The Family Jewels
- 1.22 The Big Bang
- 1.23 Always Faithful
- 2 Season 2
- 2.1 Have You Ever Seen the Rain?
- 2.2 The Count of Montecito
- 2.3 Blood Is Thicker
- 2.4 Catch of the Day
- 2.5 Good Run of Bad Luck
- 2.6 Games People Play
- 2.7 Montecito Lancers
- 2.8 Two of a Kind
- 2.9 Degas Away with It
- 2.10 Silver Star
- 2.11 My Beautiful Launderette
- 2.12 When You Got to Go, You Got to Go
- 2.13 Sperm Whales and Spearmint Rhinos
- 2.14 The Lie Is Cast
- 2.15 Whale of a Time
- 2.16 Can You See What I See?
- 2.17 Tainted Love
- 2.18 To Protect And Serve Manicotti
- 2.19 One Nation Under Surveillance
- 2.20 Hit Me!
- 2.21 Hide and Sneak
- 2.22 Letters, Lawyers And Loose Women
- 2.23 Magic Carpet Fred
- 2.24 Centennial
- 3 Season 3
- 3.1 Viva Las Vegas
- 3.2 Fake The Money And Run
- 3.3 Double Down, Triple Threat
- 3.4 Whatever Happened To Seymour Magoon?
- 3.5 Big Ed De-cline
- 3.6 The Real McCoy
- 3.7 Everything Old Is You Again
- 3.8 Bold, Beautiful And Blue
- 3.9 Mothwoman
- 3.10 For Sail By Owner
- 3.11 Down & Dirty
- 3.12 Bait And Switch
- 3.13 The Bitch is Back
- 3.14 And Here's Mike With The Weather
- 3.15 Urban Legends
- 3.16 Coyote Ugly
- 3.17 Lyle & Substance
- 3.18 Like A Virgin
- 3.19 Cash Springs Eternal
- 3.20 All Quiet On The Montecito Front
- 3.21 Chaos Theory
- 3.22 Fidelity, Security, Delivery
- 3.23 Father Of The Bride
- 4 Season 4
- 4.1 Father Of The Bride Redux
- 4.2 Died In Plain Sight
- 4.3 The Story Of Owe
- 4.4 History Of Violins
- 4.5 Delinda's Box: Part 1
- 4.6 Delinda's Box: Part 2
- 4.7 Meatball Montecito
- 4.8 White Christmas
- 4.9 Wines And Misdemeanors
- 4.10 Fleeting Cheating Meeting
- 4.11 Wagers Of Sin
- 4.12 The Chicken Is Making My Back Hurt
- 4.13 Pharaoh Nuff
- 4.14 The Burning Bedouin
- 4.15 Bare Chested In The Park
- 4.16 Junk In The Trunk
- 4.17 Heroes
- 5 Cast
- 6 External links
- Danny McCoy: [Voiceover] Never sleep with the boss's daughter. Especially if the boss is Ed Deline, former head of CIA Counter Intelligence and the greatest security man Vegas has ever seen.
- Ed Deline: Danny, welcome to the family.
- Danny: Excuse me, what?
- Ed: If I catch you looking at another girl, take a poison pill, because I'll kill ya.
- Mike Cannon: Hey, don't forget: barbecue at my house tomorrow night. I've got some great new gadgets I've been working on.
- Danny: You're not going to rewire my car and set it on fire again, are you?
- Mike: That really hurts, Danny. You had a short, okay? That was an accident!
- Ed: Trudy and I were wondering what your intentions might be.
- Delinda Deline: My intentions, Daddy?
- Ed: Well, you know, Danny --
- Delinda: I thought I'd have as much sex with him and his cute little butt as possible, then when I get bored, dump him.
- Ed: That's cute. That's really funny.
What Happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas
- Sam Marquez: If he pinches my ass I'll deck him.
- Ed Deline: No you won't.
Donny, We Hardly Knew Ye
- Ed Deline: She dumped you.
- Danny McCoy: Like yesterday's newspaper.
- Mike Cannon: When I start dating a girl, you know what I do?
- Danny: What do you do?
- Mike: Whatever she wants. Sunrise hike in the mountains? Sounds good! Antique shopping? Let's go! I establish rapport.
- Danny: It sounds like guy code for ass kiss to me.
- Ed: Cominski. Cominski, Marie. Shoplifting, conviction. Check forgery, conviction. Mail fraud. Now you add to this misappropriation.
- Sam Marquez: Stealing from your husband.
- Ed: Who you adore. Or I can make your life miserable.
- Sam: He will.
- Ed: Very miserable.
Jokers and Fools
- Sam Marquez: Do you really think you should have your feet up on Big Ed's desk?
- Danny McCoy: Big Ed's probably at a luau right now patting down Don Ho, but don't you worry, ladies. Big Danny's here.
- Nessa Holt: Oh, my God. The boss isn't gone five minutes, he's already gone mad!
- Sam: Either this guy is the nicest multi-millionaire I've ever met, or he's completely screwing with me.
Pros and Cons
- Danny McCoy: The tint is off. The thickness is way off. Look at this thing!
- Ed Deline: I'm your father. I work in a casino. You took chips that look like they were made by a zoo animal. How do you suppose that makes me look? A: good. B: not so good.
- Delinda Deline: Well I'm sorry. You never invited me to take your daughter to work day.
- Ed: You were busy gallivanting all over Europe!
- Delinda: Well you wanted me to get an education.
- Ed: Exactly. So that you could be taken by some two bit hustler in the ladies lounge of my casino. Money well spent, I'd say.
- Mary Connell: Did you get them back?
- Sam: The front desk is going to let them freak out for a few minutes and then blame it on the computer.
- Mary: You're bad!
- Sam: I know!
Luck Be a Lady
Year of the Tiger
Decks and Violence
Blood and Sand
Hellraisers & Heartbreakers
The Night the Lights Went Out in Vegas
Things That Go Jump in the Night
Die Fast, Die Furious
You Can't Take It with You
Sons and Lovers
The Strange Life of Bob
The Family Jewels
The Big Bang
Have You Ever Seen the Rain?
The Count of Montecito
Blood Is Thicker
Catch of the Day
Good Run of Bad Luck
Games People Play
- Sam Marquez: What is wrong with these rich college kids? What, is there some kind of jackass gene that kicks in?
- Danny McCoy: Yeah, there is.
- Nessa Holt: Can I ask you a question?
- Delinda Deline: [sighs] Yes, I've done it with a girl, but only once. Okay, twice.
- Nessa Holt: No! That's too much information!
Two of a Kind
Degas Away with It
My Beautiful Launderette
When You Got to Go, You Got to Go
Sperm Whales and Spearmint Rhinos
The Lie Is Cast
Whale of a Time
Can You See What I See?
To Protect And Serve Manicotti
One Nation Under Surveillance
Hide and Sneak
- Delinda Deline: Sam. Have you seen Seth? I'm really worried about him.
- Sam Marquez: Delinda, he's an adult.
- Delinda Deline: He shows up this sweet, unspoiled country boy and now I've turned him into some sort of --
- Sam Marquez: American?
- Delinda Deline: Oh, God.
- Sam Marquez: Yeah. Listen, there's this thing. I'm not sure if you've heard of it or not. It's called personal responsibility.
- Delinda Deline: Yeah, but he's overdoing it. And it's all my fault.
- Sam Marquez: Good. Everyone overdoes it. That's why we're here.
- Delinda Deline: Yeah, but he's picking up slutty girls.
- Sam Marquez: That's excellent, actually. He wears the Boy George hats, but he's not gay.
- Delinda Deline: And he's drinking like a fish.
- Sam Marquez: Helps kill the slutty girl germs.
Letters, Lawyers And Loose Women
Magic Carpet Fred
- Mary: So you gave up on Bon Jovi, huh?
- Delinda: He's more interested in John Elway.
- Mary: You do realize he's a happily married man.
- Delinda: I know. I was just hoping he'd write a song about me. You know, like Leila, and Angie, and Michelle. Delinda.
- Mary: Do you really have a genius I.Q.?
- Delinda: [nods] Mhmm.
- Mary: That is truly frightening.
- Delinda: Well, it's not like I work with nuclear weapons or anything. Although I do like to blow things up.
Viva Las Vegas
- Delinda Deline: Do you know what it's like to have Big Ed Deline breathing down your neck every second of the day?
- Danny McCoy: Well, yeah.
- Delinda: That's right. I forgot. He did catch us in bed. It was fun. We should do it again sometime.
- Monica Mancuso: You know, Danny, I haven't seen Samantha Marquez here.
- Danny McCoy: That's because she's not here.
- Monica: She seems to have disappeared with all her clients, which I don't have to tell you means millions of dollars to the Montecito's bottom line. I need those clients here on opening night.
- Danny: Nobody has seen or heard from Sam since she left.
- Monica: Well, given your impressive background, I don't think you're going to have too much trouble tracking her down.
- Danny: Well you don't know Sam. If she doesn't want to be found, she won't be.
- Monica: What is she, all of four foot nothing? Find her!
- Danny: Even if I did find her, what if she doesn't want to come back?
- Monica: Then I'll poach her clients.
- Sam Marquez: If that bitch thinks that she is going to get away with this, she has another think coming!
- Danny: It looks like she already has.
Fake The Money And Run
- Monica Mancuso: So, Mike --
- Mike Cooper: Yes?
- Monica: What sort of impression do I make?
- Mike: Come again?
- Monica: If we were at a bar and you hadn't seen me before.
- Mike: Oh! Can I speak candidly?
- Monica: I insist you speak candidly.
- Mike: I think you are a hot piece of ass.
- Monica: Good answer.
- Monica: Come on, show some cleavage. It's a casino, not a convent.
Double Down, Triple Threat
- Sam Marquez: Tequila's like amnesia in a bottle for me.
Whatever Happened To Seymour Magoon?
- Monica Mancuso: Who is she?
- Danny McCoy: Who is who?
- Monica: Come on. You wore the same suit yesterday. You have that pathetic, puppy dog grin on your face. My guess, some woman's got you by the 'nads. My advice: cut her loose. Women cannot be trusted.
- Danny: Okay.
- Monica: Hello? I know what I'm talking about.
- Delinda Deline: I hate to say this, Sam, but you smell like a dog.
- Sam Marquez: Yeah! It's Beaumont, of Silver Springs. He's this big, goofy Great Dane. My whale's showing him at the competition.
- Delinda: How adorable!
- Sam: Yeah, he is. He reminds me of my first love, John Butler. I can't get over the resemblance.
- Delinda: Not the dog. The whale, right?
- Sam: Yeah, I have a date with him tonight. I feel like a girl. Let's sit down and talk about it!
Big Ed De-cline
- Mike: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Check it out! Punch in camera eight on that cell. You got it? Looks like 555-0178. Find out who's number that is.
- Delinda: What's going on? She diss you? You've got to learn to take no for an answer.
- Mitch: That's a pay phone.
- Mike: Okay. I've been here before, remember? All we've got to do is tap into the pay phone's records. Find out what number called it at 3:48 p.m. today.
- Mitch: That's illegal, Mike. You can't access a public phone's records. Okay. [points at screen] She stole Ed's Aston Martin.
- Delinda: Daddy's car?!
- Mike: Yes.
- Delinda: You're dead.
- Mike: I know.
- Delinda: Good luck!
The Real McCoy
- Bob Marquez: Hey, sis!
- Sam Marquez: Hey sis. Who are you, Greg Brady? Who says things like that?
- Sam Marquez: Dear, God, please make them stop.
- Mike Cannon: Yeah, your brother and your boss. Not the most holy of unions.
- Sam Marquez: Nuh-uh. What am I gonna do?
- Mike Cannon: Ignore it.
- Sam Marquez: I'm trying, but I can't. I mean, this is interfering with my job. The time I've spent showering, alone.
- Mike Cannon: Showering?
- Sam Marquez: Should I talk to him? I should talk to him! Thanks, Mike!
- Delinda Deline: Two words: Polyester.
- Ed Deline: Two words: Calm down.
- Delinda Deline: Don't tell me to calm down! You're not even listening to me!
- Ed Deline: No, I'm not. I'm trying to study for my driver's test.
- Delinda Deline: No one studies for their driver's test!
- Ed Deline: Well not everyone has a genius IQ, sweetheart.
- Delinda Deline: It does come in handy sometimes. Hey, quit changing the subject! This is a slippery slope, Daddy. I mean, first the wait-staff at Mystique wears polyester uniforms, then who knows what she'll suggest? Stripes with plaids? Denim on denim's? Skorts?!
- Ed Deline: Skorts? What's a skort?
- Delinda Deline: Where does it end, Daddy? Where??
- Bob Marquez: She touches me, Sam, to the soul and beyond.
- Sam Marquez: I'm going to slap you.
- Bob Marquez: We're soulmates, and I'm thinking she's going to be part of our family one day.
- Sam Marquez: I'm going to go throw up.
Everything Old Is You Again
Bold, Beautiful And Blue
- Delinda Deline: Did you know I was a magician's assistance once?
- Sam Marquez: Why does that not surprise me?
- Delinda Deline: The Amazing Roger. He was super cute. I actually learned a few tricks myself.
- Mike Cannon: Really? Like what?
- Delinda Deline: Once we were driving home from a show, and I put my hand on his thigh and he turned into a motel.
- Monica Mancuso: [Looking at Mary and Sam's revealing tops] I'm sorry, did we open a Hooters?
- Sam Marquez: [Motioning to Monica's chest] If we did, you're in trouble.
- Delinda Deline: So... you're my new boss.
- Danny McCoy: Yep.
- Delinda Deline: Mmm...[Delinda opens her blouse and showing her bra] So, uh, if I do this,you could fire me?
- Danny McCoy: Yes!
- Delinda Deline: [Delinda opens her blouse again] So I won't do that again.
- Danny McCoy: Would you stop that, please.
- Delinda Deline: Yes, sir, Mr. President.
- Danny McCoy: .[Delinda walks away and opens her blouse again] Stop that.
- Green Phantom: Allow me to introduce myself. I am the Green Phantom!
- Delinda Deline: Actually, you're costume is wrong.
- Green Phantom: What?
- Delinda Deline: Your mask should be less Batman and more Zorro. Your cape's too long and your boots are all wrong, and hike up your pants for God's sake! You're supposed to be a super hero!
- Delinda Deline: I guess it's just me and you, girl.
- Sam Marquez: Oy.
- Sam Marquez: Oh, great. Every casino host in town is here.
- Delinda Deline: Aw, that's so sweet. They all came to pay their respects. What a nice little club you belong to.
- Sam Marquez: They're not here to pay their respects. They're all after J.W.'s black book!
- Delinda Deline: That's not very nice.
- Sam Marquez: Casino hosts aren't very nice people.
- Delinda Deline: But Sam, you're a casino host.
- Sam Marquez: Exactly.
- Sam Marquez: I smell whales.
- Delinda Deline: I smell embalming fluid.
For Sail By Owner
- Delinda Deline: Did you hear about Monica?
- Sam Marquez: No, what?
- Delinda Deline: Flew off the roof last night, landed over at the Wynn. Crashed right into the Manolo Blahnik one day sample sale.
- Sam Marquez: You're kidding! That was yesterday?
- Delinda Deline: Check them out. [Shows Sam her black sandal pumps] Aren't they delicious?
- Sam Marquez: They're fabulous!
- Sam Marquez: I hate funerals. Pretending to mourn for someone you despised. Doesn't that bother you guys?
- Delinda Deline: Not me. I like pretending.
- Mary Connell: Now that we know Monica left it all to charity, I feel like maybe she was just misunderstood.
- Sam Marquez: Really? I feel like maybe she was just a bitch.
Down & Dirty
Bait And Switch
- Danny McCoy: Have a seat.
- Delinda Deline: Shouldn't I be handcuffed?
- Danny McCoy: No. I'm just going to ask you a few questions.
- Delinda Deline: Yes, you are the best sex ever. Have you ever done it in here?
- Danny McCoy: No. No, I haven't.
- Delinda Deline: I bet you have, and you probably invited a few people to watch. I'd try that. I bet it would be fun.
- Danny McCoy: You know, you're the second person I've run into today that thought that.
- Delinda Deline: So, you want to?
- Danny McCoy: No! I'm trying to conduct an interview here, Delinda, so just --
- Delinda Deline: Okay! I'm sorry!
- Danny McCoy: Be professional. So, did you notice anything unusual at the video shoot?
- Delinda Deline: I'm not wearing any panties.
- Delinda Deline: Just so you know, before when I asked about you being sweet on me, I wasn't suggesting anything.
- Danny McCoy: Yes you were!
- Delinda Deline: You wish I was!
- Danny McCoy: No, you were. The only thing that I wish is that we didn't have to beat around the bush. We're consenting adults, right?
- Delinda Deline: Absolutely!
- Danny McCoy: Absolutely. I mean, if we want to have sex with each other we should just say so.
- Delinda Deline: Absolutely.
The Bitch is Back
- Mike Cannon: That reverse psychology stuff, that's cheating, Sam.
- Sam Marquez: Uh-huh. If you ain't cheatin', you ain't tryin', Mike.
- Mike Cannon: Damn.
- Delinda Deline: [trips] Ouch!
- Ed Deline: Honey, are you okay?
- Delinda Deline: Ow! My shoe!
- Mary Connell: Aren't those the shoes you got at the sale where Monica...
- Delinda Deline: Yes. I'm still breaking them in, I guess.
- Ed Deline: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait. You bought those shoes where she died?
- Delinda Deline: They were on sale.
- Mary Connell: Is that the infamous Paul Logan I see at BlackJack 22?
- Sam Marquez: Yep.
- Mary Connell: He seems so --
- Sam Marquez: Stupid?
- Mary Connell: I was going to say sophisticated.
- Sam Marquez: That's not sophisticated, it's British. Don't get confused.
- Sam Marquez: You've got to hand it to Monica.
- Mary Connell: What?
- Sam Marquez: Even death can't keep that bitch from ruining my life.
And Here's Mike With The Weather
- Sam Marquez: Who's the hottest server you have working right now?
- Delinda Deline: I would have to say Steve. He has a nice, tight little ass.
- Sam Marquez: Not a guy. A female.
- Delinda Deline: Are you thinking about switching teams again?
- Sam Marquez: I want someone to listen in and these two and report back to me.
- Delinda Deline: Why, what's going on?
- Sam Marquez: Anything to do with the Montecito's gaming license or potential lack thereof effects my bottom line.
- Delinda Deline: And you don't think they'll mind if some hot girl is just hovering around them?
- Sam Marquez: Listen to what you just said.
- Delinda Deline: Was it fun being mean?
- Sam Marquez: Of course it is. Why do you think I do it all the time?
- Sam Marquez: Hey, you know what, Mary? My client over there, he's lost 250 grand.
- Delinda Deline: He's really --
- Sam Marquez: Sad. Yeah.
- Mary Connell: Aw.
- Sam Marquez: Yeah, he's sad. Listen, maybe you could just go over there and kind of be yourself.
- Delinda Deline: Be super sweet!
- Sam Marquez: Yeah, be nice to him.
- Mary Connell: Poor guy.
- Sam Marquez: Thanks, sweetie.
- Delinda Deline: Thanks, Mar. She does come in handy.
- Sam Marquez: She does come in handy sometimes.
Lyle & Substance
Like A Virgin
- Mary Connell: That's sweet.
- Sam Marquez: Yeah, sweet. He's up on us by over a million dollars. Why are you still such a hopeless romantic? You're weird.
- Mary Connell: You're weird! And another thing, Lipworth is spending a lot more than a mil on this wedding. So while your commission might be affected by the fact that he stopped playing, the Montecito will still come out way ahead, which is all I care about!
- Sam Marquez: Pretty sassy there sassafrass.
- Mary Connell: Is it too much?
- Sam Marquez: I like it.
- Mary Connell: I'm still working on it.
Cash Springs Eternal
- Mary: [runs up, frantic] Hey, hey. Have you guys seen Danny?
- Sam: No. It's not my turn to watch him.
- Delinda: [watches as Mary runs away in search of Danny] She gets weirder every day.
- Sam: Dr. Paul's love movement is a scary cult.
- Delinda: He makes more money than Kabbalah and Scientology combined.
- Sam: Cult! He's got one of my whales convinced that if I throw a flower in front of each of the doors on his floor that love will come to him.
- Delinda: [smells flower] They are beautiful.
- Sam: You're so easy.
- Delinda: You're so bitter.
- Danny McCoy: Sam, you heard of Sexiest Bachelors of Vegas calendar?
- Sam Marquez: Yeah, of course.Everyone has. Roberto, my colorist,he has it up on the wall in his salon, and all the boys make bets on who they can get to bite the pillow first.
- Mike Cannon: You're kidding?
- Sam Marquez: No, he does pretty well for himself,actually.Last year, he nailed Mr. July, Mr. December....
- Danny McCoy: So this is a- a gay calendar?
- Sam Marquez: Yeah, it's the gayest.Why?
- Mike Cannon: No reason.
- Sam Marquez: You guys posed for the calendar?
- Mike Cannon: Huh? No. You kidding?
- Sam Marquez: She got you with the puppies?
- Danny McCoy: They were so cute.
- Mike Cannon: Danny...Danny...
- Sam Marquez: What is it with boys and dogs...When does that come out?
- Mike Cannon: We don't know what you're talking about.
- Sam Marquez: Oh. You know what? I have to go.I don't have time for this.I have to go, uh, tell everybody. Heeehaaa!! [Sam laughs and runs away.]
- Danny and Mike: Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam!
- Mike Cannon: This is very, very, very bad.
- Danny McCoy: This is worse than bad.
All Quiet On The Montecito Front
- Sam: [sees Delinda smiling as she walks by] You had sex, didn't you?
- Delinda: Excuse me?
- Sam: Who did you have sex with, hooker?
- Delinda: Okay, I had sex, but with no one you know.
- Sam: Really? I know quite a few people in this town. Try me.
- Delinda: Well, he doesn't even live here. He travels a lot. He's a professional bowler.
- Sam: [disbelieving] You had sex with a bowler?
- Delinda: [nods but realizes she's had] Never. I had sex with Danny.
- Sam: Danny?
- Delinda: Yeah.
- Sam: I don't know if that's cool or not. What about Mary?
- Delinda: Look, it's nothing. Anyway, Mary and Danny are over. Ask Danny.
Fidelity, Security, Delivery
- Ed Deline: When was the last time you had a vacation?
- Sam Marquez: I don't know. Clinton was in office.
- Sam: Delinda, listen to me: no one listens to advice. They think they do, but they don't. So it doesn't matter what I say. You're going to do what you want in the end and that's okay.
- Delinda Deline: Fine. I'll go ask Mary then.
- Sam: Perfect.
- Delinda: What?
- Sam: What do you mean, what? You know! When you decided to start sleeping with Danny again, did you tell Mary?
- Delinda: Of course not!
- Sam: Why?
- Delinda: Because they've been over for more than a year!
- Sam: And?!
- Delinda: Because it might hurt her feelings!
- Sam: And did you tell Derek?
- Delinda: Of course, I tell him everything!
- Sam: Delinda, listen to me, before you marry this guy, or don't marry him, and especially before you walk around asking everybody a bunch of girly questions, you need to make sure that your ducks are in a row.
- Delinda: So you think I should tell Mary about Danny?
- Sam: Everything always comes out eventually and she needs to hear it from you before she hears it from somebody else.
- Delinda: You don't think she still loves Danny, do you?
- Sam: What?! The sun always rises in the east, you always get hungry a half hour after you eat Chinese food, and Mary Connell will always love Danny McCoy.
- Delinda: I'm going to tell Mary about you and me.
- Danny: What? Why?
- Delinda: I'm getting my ducks in a row.
- Danny: I think you should tell your ducks to keep their bills shut. Have you been talking to Sam? What is this?
- Delinda: How did you know?
- Mike Cannon: Delinda, do you see this guy I've been watching at the bar. Mr. McKeen. He and his wife are perfectly compatible.
- Delinda: And look how happy they are.
- Mike: That's not his wife!
Father Of The Bride
- Derek: Danny, you got a minute?
- Danny: Yeah, what's up?
- Derek: Well, I just found out some of my colleagues aren't going to be able to make the wedding tomorrow.
- Danny: I'm sorry to hear that.
- Derek: Yeah, well one of them was supposed to be my best man, and I would like you to step in.
- Danny: Excuse me?
- Derek: Be my best man!
- Danny: I don't know.
- Derek: You are the one who convinced me to marry Delinda, and you guys are such great friends. Come on!
- Danny: Getting married was not my idea, Derek.
- Derek: You are so modest. I guess that's why Delinda likes you. She's like 'Danny, Danny, Danny.' It's all she ever talks about.
- Sam: I can't believe we don't have dates. I mean, look at us. We're hot. I know, I know, I'm hotter than you because I'm the whole package, but still. You should be able to dig up and old ho with that whole pretty boy thing you've got going on.
- Danny: [sarcastically] Thank you.
- Sam: Good luck with that.
- Danny: Thanks for the vote of confidence!
- Delinda: [hears Danny knock] Come in.
- Danny: What's up? [sees Delinda in her wedding dress] Wow.
- Delinda: Do you like?
- Danny: Wow.
- Delinda: Stop saying wow. Say something else.
- Danny: You look beautiful.
- Delinda: Really?
- Danny: Yeah.
- Ed: [speaking of Delinda and Danny] Is something going on between you two?
- Delinda: No! No. No, Danny's just -- he's just been feeling a little left out. You know, you've been spending a lot of time with Derek.
- Ed: Well, I mean, that's because he's about to become my son in law.
- Delinda: No, I know. Just spend a little time with Danny, too. You're like a father to him.
Father Of The Bride Redux
- Sam Marquez: [to Mike about Ed] What do you mean a heart attack? Oh, that's great. He probably found out Delinda and Danny were sleeping together again.
- Mary Connell: Is that true?
- Mike Cooper: No, no!
- Sam: No, Mary, it's not true.
- Mary: Am I the only one who didn't know about Danny and Delinda?
- Sam: Well, you and Ed.
- Mike: Please don't have a heart attack, Mary.
- Jillian Deline: What's going on?
- Delinda Deline: I've been trying to tell everyone.
- Jillian: Are you in love with Danny? [watches as her daughter nods] Oh, honey.
- Delinda: Hey. [kisses him] Thanks.
- Danny McCoy: For what?
- Delinda: [smiles] For feeling the same way about me that I feel about you. [stops smiling] You do feel the same way about me, don't you?
- Danny: [laughs] Yes. [walks away to find Ed]
- Jillian: Don't screw this up, Delinda.
- Delinda: I won't.
- Delinda: You know, don't you?
- Mary: Last one to know everything.
- Delinda: I wanted to tell you, but then Derek showed up and things just got out of hand.
- Mary: Got out of hand?! Is that how you explain what's been going on?
- Delinda: Look, I'm sorry --
- Mary: Delinda, I don't want to talk about this.
- Danny: You okay?
- Delinda: Yeah. It's just been a wild last few days.
- Danny: Yeah, it has.
- Delinda: Mary's pissed at me.
- Danny: Me too.
- Delinda: Now what?
- Danny: Let's see what happens.
- Delinda: What if I screw it up again?
- Danny: I won't let that happen.
Died In Plain Sight
- Danny McCoy: Everybody knows! You saw the way they were looking at us in there.
- Delinda Deline: Who cares who knows?
- Danny: While your dad's away, I'm in charge. I'm supposed to be setting an example here.
- Delinda: The whole thing's a joke, Danny. People should just behave or we wouldn't need stupid seminars. [grabs his butt]
- Danny: Are you into the whole group sex thing, now?
- Delinda: No, not for years. It's just that guy Myles was such a dweeb, I just wanted to see him squirm a little.
- Danny: What do you think we should do about this whole employee fraternization thing?
- Delinda: Here's what we should do. [kisses him] You're my boyfriend and I don't care who knows it.
- Danny: Want to meet upstairs in fifteen minutes?
- Delinda: Make it ten.
- Danny: Okay.
- Danny: What's this? You and Shannon? You learned nothing from that seminar?
- Mike Cannon: The pot calling kettle. Who's talking?
- Danny: Mine is a preexisting condition!
- Mary Connell: Why didn't you have the decency to tell me?
- Delinda Deline: Now's not exactly the best time for us to chat.
- Mary: [to the bartender] Take a walk.
- Delinda: I thought you weren't talking to me.
- Mary: Oh, I'm not talking to you. I'm yelling at you.
- Delinda: You know what? I'm tired of walking on eggshells around you. Danny wanted to marry you. You gave him his ring back. It's over! You don't have dibs on him anymore, so get over it!
- Mary: Poor Derek. He never even saw it coming.
- Delinda: Well maybe poor Derek and poor Mary should get together and trade sob stories.
- Mary: You'd like that, wouldn't you? I swear, you are just pathological.
- Delinda: Now you're talking out of your ass.
- Sam Marquez: You think I'm mean?
- Vic Manning: It doesn't matter. I can totally handle it. In fact, I kind of dig it.
- Sam: Okay, I'm going to try and say this in the nicest way. I think you should go back to Hawaii, because if you don't, I will have Ed Deline kill you.
The Story Of Owe
- Danny McCoy: [kissing Delinda] Do you realize how great this is?
- Delinda Deline: What? The sex?
- Danny: The whole thing: sex, we like to hang out together, we make each other laugh.
- Delinda: You going to waste time talking about feelings or you want to get busy?
- Delinda: Before we start, since this is our first real date, let's pretend like we just met. That we're just getting to know each other.
- Danny: That's kind of lame.
- Delinda: No it's not! Just tell me something about you I don't already know. Something embarrassing.
- Danny: I stole a pack of gum when I was eight.
- Delinda: That's not embarrassing.
- Danny: Okay, well top it!
- Delinda: Okay. I once fell asleep in my own vomit.
- Danny: Outstanding! [they high-five]
History Of Violins
Delinda's Box: Part 1
- Mr. Chips: I have no intention of killing you.
- Ed Deline: That's funny, because I have every intention of killing you.
- Mr. Chips: I do, however, have no problem at all killing your daughter.
Delinda's Box: Part 2
- Ed Deline: Do you know how many laws you just broke?
- Danny McCoy: I don't care. All I care about is getting Delinda back.
- Ed: I'm just saying, I like the attitude. You just bought us some time. It'll force them to plan B.
- Danny: What about our plan?
- Ed: Our plan? Get my daughter back and kill them all.
- Delinda Deline: You're never going to get away.
- Mr. Chips: If that's the case, why not kill you right now?
- Delinda: Because you need me. I'm the only chip you've got left, Chips.
- Chips: I've got 50 million chips, blondie. You're just chump change to me.
- Delinda: You're going to die, you know. They shut down your airport. It's only a matter of time.
- Chips: By the time the police figure any of this out I'll be on a beach earning twenty percent. [Delinda laughs] I'm glad you think this is all funny.
- Delinda: What's funny is you actually think the police will be involved. There will be no police, no FBI. There will only be men whose sole responsibility will be to hunt you down and kill you. All of you. And they will. They always do.
- Chips: [on the phone] What did you just say to me?
- Ed: I said no. Listen to me, you scumbag. The deal was the money for my daughter. Now if you had just given her back all of this crap would be over. Now it's my show and I'm not letting you leave. [hangs up]
- Delinda: Sucks to be you.
- Delinda Deline: Hey, I need a few annoying habits of Danny's. I have a list going.
- Sam Marquez: I can't help you.
- Delinda: You don't think there's anything annoying about Danny?
- Sam: I think there are about a million things, but I don't have the four hours necessary to get into it.
- Sam: Okay, how about the fact that he's a little too chummy-chummy with your father. That's creepy.
- Delinda: You're right.
- Sam: And have you ever noticed that every time that boy walks past a mirror he's got to look in it? [turns to see Delinda fixing her hair in a reflective sign] You guys will be great.
- Delinda: Wait, what did you say after mirror?
- Sam: Men are pigs. Those two are oinkers.
- Delinda Deline: I just want our first Christmas together to be special, do you know what I mean?
- Sam Marquez: He is just pissing away his money.
- Delinda: Isn't that what we want?
- Sam: Of course it's what we want, but we want people to piss away their money correctly.
- Delinda: Oh. I didn't know there was a correct way to piss away money.
- Sam: Well there is! Now what is it you're going on about?
- Delinda: It's Danny and mine's first Christmas. I'm planning a special, candlelit romantic Christmas Eve dinner. Then a little cuddling by the fire --
- Sam: Okay, hold it. I don't want to hear about you and Danny playing hide the salami in front of the fireplace or under the Christmas tree.
- Delinda: Why does everyone think that's all we do?
- Sam: Because you two couldn't stop banging each other if your lives depended on it. [Delinda smiles] In fact, I'm surprised you two aren't permanently attached at the crotch.
- Delinda: I have no idea what to get Sam for Christmas.
- Mary Connell: How about anti-evil pills? Oh, that's right, the ones she got last year didn't do the trick.
Wines And Misdemeanors
Fleeting Cheating Meeting
Wagers Of Sin
The Chicken Is Making My Back Hurt
- Ed: I'm taking your mom to Paris for Valentines Day.
- Delinda Deline: I thought you hated France.
- Ed: The French...not France.
- Danny McCoy: Well, if he took the thing, he's obviously a thief.
- Mike Cannon: So, what do you want to do?
- Ed: I guess there's only one thing we can do. We're gonna steal it back, boys.
- (Ed, Mike and Danny talking about stealing the already stolen mummy back, Mikes having a few concerns)
- Ed: Listen, no one is going to jail, okay? All we're doing is simply reclaiming something that belongs to us, now are you in or out?
- Danny Cannon: I'm In.
- Mike Cannon: One condition, if we go to jail I get the top bunk.
- Ed: If we go to jail you pretty boys wont have to worry about it, you wont be getting much sleep. :(laughs) know what I mean?
- Lifting the mummy's coffin into the Moncetio's loading bay.
- Danny McCoy: This is pretty light?
- Mike Cannon: Well the dude hasn't eaten in the last 3000 odd years.
The Burning Bedouin
- Sam Marquez: I need a favor.
- Delinda Deline: What's up?
- Sam: I need you to be Asad Sumar's casino host for at least a day.
- Delinda: What?
- Sam: I know he bought you that expensive dress, if you say no you'll look like a money grubbing whore.
- Delinda: You know about the dress?
- Sam: Everybody knows about the dress.
- Delinda: Even Danny?
- Sam: He's actually a little smarter than he looks, isn't he?
- Delinda: I knew that would come back to bite me in the ass.
- Sam: I know. Your ass is pretty popular these days, so that's nice isn't it? Will you do this for me? Pretty please?
- Delinda: He's pissed at me.
- Sam: Well since he's pissed at you, maybe you should pass the time by, say, making some extra money and filling in for me.
- Delinda: How much extra?
- Sam: Well it would be enough to pay Asad back for that dress if you are stupid enough to do it.
- Delinda: You've got yourself a deal.
- Delinda: You like someone.
- Sam: No I don't. [pause] You just worry about Asad. I'll worry about not liking someone.
Bare Chested In The Park
Junk In The Trunk
- James Caan - Ed Deline
- Josh Duhamel - Danny McCoy
- James Lesure - Mike Cannon
- Vanessa Marcil - Samantha Jane "Sam" Marquez
- Molly Sims - Delinda Deline
- Nikki Cox - Mary Connell
- Marsha Thomason - Nessa Holt