Law & Order: Criminal Intent

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Law & Order: Criminal Intent (2001- 2011) is a criminal drama television series, part of the popular Law & Order franchise created by Dick Wolf. The show focuses on the Major Case Squad, an elite group of detectives specializing in cases of political sensitivity or public attention.

Contents

Opening[edit]

Narrator: In New York City's war on crime, the worst criminal offenders are pursued by the detectives of the Major Case Squad. These are their stories.

Season 1[edit]

One [1.1][edit]

[A brutal jewelry store robbery puts Goren and Eames on the trail of a ruthless murderer.]

Deakins: Goren, I realize how unstimulating police procedure can be to a right-brained guy like you, and I say this with all the respect due a Detective First Grade -- touch all the bases.

Goren: Does it bother you that the same people who just jacked $300 million are maxing out a stolen credit card?
Eames: Once a thief. You said yourself, they're impulsive.
Goren: Okay, if it doesn't bother you.

Eames: How'd he get into prison without leaving his prints in the system?
Deakins: How'd my luggage get to Amarillo last Christmas?

[Goren and Eames are reviewing a security camera's records of a woman in a jewelry store]
Goren: You notice anything unusual?
Eames: Not really.
Goren: It's just that she's putting lipstick on her eyeball. She's taking a picture of the safe.

[Goren continues watching the tape, saying nothing.]
Eames: Am I missing something?
Goren: I just like to watch.

Eames: Don't equivocate. He's a bad guy.
Goren: Bad guys do what good guys dream.

Carver: Funny thing about the law. Right hand performs the crime, left hand pays for it....
Defense Attorney: Um...how can my client help himself here?
Carver: Names and addresses and I take the death penalty off the table.

Eames: She got her hands on this [diamonds], why she didn't run--
Goren: It wasn't about that, it was about him.
Eames: Men come and go, but diamonds--
Goren: Diamonds don't keep you warm at night.

Goren: It could be a prison tattoo.
Eames: How could he get to prison without leaving his prints in the system?
Deakins: How'd my luggage end up in Amarillo last Christmas?

Goren: She won't run, Ms. Lewin.
Nora Lewin: [to Carver] Do you trust his judgment?
Carver: On this, yes, yes I do.
Lewin: Should I trust yours?

Defense Attorney: Life without parole? That’s pretty steep. He’s got no record of violence.
Carver: He does now. And the offer is not going to hold. We found him and we’ll find the others with or without his help. [leans back, juggling his hands] Life. Death. You choose.

Gia DeLuca: We're both dead anyway. You killed us.
Eames: Think again, Gia. You've got a long and healthy life ahead of you.
Goren: I lied. Sorry.

Art [1.2][edit]

[An apparent dual murder/suicide of an art expert and an assessor turns out to be more than meets the eye when investigations lead to high-quality forgeries of Nazi-seized art.]

Eames: Popular opinion has this pegged as a murder/suicide.
Goren: I never trust opinion polls.

Deakins: All my favorite theories shot to hell in 60 seconds.

[Eames and Goren stand in a museum looking at a Monet.]
Eames: It's beautiful.
Goren: Impressionists are too pretty.
Eames: Right. You probably like those sweaty naked people in the next room.
Goren: Lucian Freud? As a matter of fact, I do.
Eames: You can't put that stuff in your home. You can't live with it.
Goren: I'm not interested in living with it. I'm interested in thinking about it.

Langer: There's nothing in life I enjoy quite so much as being threatened by a beautiful woman.

Langer: Tax fraud. How mundane.
Goren: But smart. I like smart.

Goren: Hey. This is nice. (Walks in.)
Eames: He can't help himself. Can I come in?

Moon: You don't know. You don't know what it's like.
Goren: What, to work so hard?
Moon: Yes.
Goren: And still be a nobody.
Moon: Yes.
Goren: Welcome to the human race.

Goren: Did you know there's an original Salvador Dali hanging at Rikers Island? He donated it in the 60s.
Langer: That's fascinating.
Eames: You're going to get to see it firsthand.

Goren: Right! It's a Monet. It's all in the lighting.

Langer: Americans have no idea what art is anymore.

Smothered [1.3][edit]

[A murdered crack whore leads detectives to the scion of a wealthy and influential family.]

[Goren tweezers a small object off the heel of a dead woman found in a hotel.]
Eames: What is that?
Goren: Fish scale.
Eames: Great, she was attacked by a shark.
Goren: [Seriously] Sharks don't have scales.
[Eames sighs.]

Goren: His "arrangement with his wife" is that he gets to be a bad boy once a month, but then he has to tell her what he did.
Deakins: Oh those wacky Belgians.

Eames: She also tasted positive for lithium.
Goren: Might have been for depression.
Deakins: What's so depressing about being a crack whore?

[Goren and Eames are on a stakeout. They glance at a passing man.]
Eames: No, too short. Surveillance is my strong suit.

[Watching homeless people sneak in and out of steam tunnels.]
Goren: You ever think what it's like living down there?
Eames: With what one bedrooms are going for, I've considered it.

Deakins: All those in favor of he's our guy, raise your hand.
[Goren and Eames look at each other.]
Deakins: Oh, that's good.

[Eames prepares to kick a motel door in.]
Eames: Housekeeping. Ready or not--

Goren: You're under arrest for the murder of Lois Romney.
Jameson: What, you're serious?
Eames: You don't see us wearing clown shoes, do you?

Mrs. Van Acker: You people are all over the map.
Eames: We're pretty good at reading maps, Mrs. Van Acker.

Carver: So you see, Mr. Jameson. The only fingers in the pie are yours.

Jameson: That vindictive, stupid bitch.
Carver: We are all ears.

Goren: "Returned due to insufficient postage." Somebody must have missed the last rate hike.

Goren: My mother didn't like my girlfriends either, even if she pretended to, but she didn't kill any of them.

The Faithful [1.4][edit]

[Goren and Eames investigate the death of a sexton in a respected church, only to lose their primary suspect when he, too, is murdered.]

[Deakins and Eames watch Goren shouting and cheering bravo to a homeless man in the Interrogation room.]
Deakins: Great. The Goren Show's back in town.

[After Goren interviews a manic, schizophrenic homeless man.]
Eames: You were good talking with Howard.
Goren: Mmm. Lots of practice.

Deakins: Step into him.

Eames: You know us. We're the NYPD. We lie all the time. And we're good at it.

Eames: After 18 years in foster care, Kevin turns up an uncle.
Goren: Touching, isn't it?

Deakins: What about you? Any dazzling insights you'd like to share?
Goren: Uh...no.

Eames: You thinking of converting? Because I think Father Capanna would love to baptize you.
Goren: Too late, you're speaking to a lapsed alter boy.
Eames: I should've known. Disregard for authority, fascination with bad behavior....

Lawyer: This is pure harassment.
Eames: You have no idea how many times a day we hear that.

Forensic Accountant: Next to Immaculate Conception, how the Church handles its money is one of the great mysteries of the faith.

Eames: [To Goren] Listen to you. What did you think you were doing here? A catch-and-release program?

Carver: Detective, if you try and run one by me like that again, I will have your badge.

Jones [1.5][edit]

[The Major Case Squad chases after a ladies' man who has reeled out of control and is killing off his demanding girlfriends.]

Eames: I didn't take this job to get noticed.

[After finding another petite corpse]
Eames: Big day for little women.

Goren: You know, I have a theory about why certain men are attracted to petite women. You Wanna Hear it.
Talbott: Not particularly.
Goren: Petite women are a snug fit for small men.
Talbott: That's so ridiculous.
Goren: No. I think I'm onto something here. Small men can feel like they have a titan missile in their pocket.

Goren: You're a small guy. What size shoe do you wear?
[Goren thumps his feet onto the table.]
Goren: I wear a 13. you look like a 9 or ... you know, like an 8?
Talbott: I'm an ... oh, God, I don't even want to talk to you about this. Don't drag me into this.
'[Talbott fends Goren off. Goren laughs with delight.]
Goren: You got small hands, too!

The Extra Man [1.6][edit]


[Looking at a victim's international driver's license picture]
Eames: The maid said he was good looking. This makes him look like all three of the Three Stooges.

[On hearing that a customer who ordered a suit has been killed.]
Tailor: This is a disaster. The pattern's been made, the cloth's been cut.

Eames: [Going through victim's rolodex] Here's George W.'s address in Texas.
Goren: [Going through victim's papers] Really? I have a letter from Donald Trump thanking Dupont for his "timely advice." And he misspells the word "investment."
Eames: You'd think Trump's secretary would use spell-check.

[Upon finding forgeries of character references in the victim's assistant's apartment]
Goren: Why would an heir to the Dupont fortune need phony character references?
Eames: Low self-esteem?

Deakins: If a guy was picking my wallet and my bed, I'd want him whacked, too.

[Eames and Goren review the record of a con.]
Eames: Conviction for assault, assault, assault--
Goren: A collector.

Carver: Charge them for a murder they didn't commit of a person who isn't dead? I can't begin to count the number of violations that would entail.
Deakins: Mr. Carver. This man Dupont, or whatever his name is, has had us chasing our tails for a couple of weeks now. I don't know about you, but I do not like being made a fool of.
[Carver looks like he's wavering. Goren looks encouraging.]
Goren: Payback is the healthy human response here.

Goren: 10 to one he'll call me back. He has something to prove to me one.
Carver: 10 to one?
Eames: I've taken him on before, Mr. Carver. I'm down 18 bucks.

Carver: Don't tell me you feel sorry for this guy.
Goren: Someone to teach you how to ride a bike, two people that think you're special, makes a difference.
Carver: Some people get by on a lot less.
Goren: They shouldn't have to.

Poison [1.7][edit]

[An anonymous phone call reporting murders at a hospital lead detectives in search of an angel of death, and cause them to accidentally discover a case of OTC drug tampering.]
Eames: For once, I was really hoping you were wrong.

Eames: Here it comes, Necedrol headache number 14.

Eames: The FDA analyzed the cyanide. it's all from the same batch, but they're still trying to get a line on where it came from.
Goren: I put out the word to my own sources.
Deakins: What sources?
Goren: Watchdog groups who keep track of shipments of dangerous chemicals.
Eames: Tree-huggers.

Goren: What about the great American pastime?
Eames: Which one? Dieting or cheating on your taxes?
Goren: Suing.

Eames: No traces of cyanide in the apartment.
Goren: Something here stinks.
Eames: Too bad it's not almonds.

[Goren and Eames talk to one of Goren's sources about cyanide shipments.]
Tree-hugger: Didn't Bobby tell you? We got alternative methods of gathering information.
Eames: You hack into the companies' computers?
Tree-hugger: Well, if you're going to make it sound illegal--

Lawyer: You think this old lady with one and a half lungs ran around the hospital like a tooth fairy from hell?

[Deakins passes by and watches Goren staring at a piece of paper.]
Deakins: You going to share with the rest of the class?

Goren: Get an indict against the mother.
Carver: For what?
Goren: Murder.
Carver: With what?
Goren: With whatever. C'mon. Don't you have the grand jury eating out of your hand?
[Goren gestures wildly at the wall.]
Goren: I bet you could indict that clock.

Carver: The evidence passed muster with the grand jury.
Lawyer: Oh, right. Was my client indicted before or after the ham sandwich?

The Pardoner's Tale [1.8][edit]

[A reporter who has a history of uncovering police corruption is gunned down in the street and the case leads to the buying and selling of pardons.]

Goren: I got to see a buddy about a '71 Malibu. Want to come?
Eames: Sure. I love meeting your buddies.

[Goren and Eames go to question a buddy of Goren's, an auto-mechanic.]
Lewis: I still can't get used to seeing you in a suit.

[Lewis works on an engine while he talks to Goren. Eames stoops to look under the hood while he talks.]
Eames: 351 four-barrel. Who are you trying to outrun?
Lewis: Whoa. I think I'm in love.

Greg: I should've shot you when I had the chance.
Goren: I've heard that.

[To a witness.]
Goren: Boo! --Made you look.

Assistant:Here, let me highlight for you--
Goren: That's okay. The search warrant doesn't stipulate highlighting.

Eames: Last December, Wieger and Nawrocki both made calls to the Development Office of Pelham University.
Deakins: Development? Isn't that the Ivy League word for hitting people up for money?

Eames: There they go, down the rabbit hole.

The Good Doctor [1.9][edit]

[With no body and no evidence, Goren and Eames try to put together a case against a plastic surgeon who might have killed his wife.]
Goren: But from Saturday afternoon, not a peep from her.
Deakins: Maybe she had laryngitis.

Goren: Your Honor, if we search his car and his apartment, and it turns out his wife is alive, where's the harm?
Judge Van Vliet: It's the fourth amendment, detective. Not the 3 and 2/3rds amendment.

Goren: You know us. We're like dumb dogs. We catch a scent and we follow it.

Deakins: So let's check our status here. No corpus delicti, no evidence of foul play, no evidence Dr. Kelmer is guilty of anything except being a son of a bitch. I miss anything?

Witness: We work together. Any relationship we have is strictly business.
Goren: We got these photos from a private investigator. This thing you're doing to the doctor with your tongue. What business is that, strictly?

Dr. Kelmer: You stupid idiots.
Eames: Sticks and stones.

Carver: "Trust me." Hell of a closing argument.

Carver: I make my living putting trust in juries. Now is not the time to stop.
Goren: I'll take them any way they come.

Enemy Within [1.10][edit]

The Third Horseman [1.11][edit]

[Goren and Eames hunt a possible serial sniper who is targeting abortion doctors.]


[Goren picks up a piece of lint from the floor and asks for a plastic bag.]
Eames: Suspicious dust balls?

[On the subject of abortion.]
Eames: What do you really think?
Goren: I'll tell you what I think when I get pregnant.

[To Goren]
Eames: Promise me a margarita when this is all over.

Lawyer: He's invoking his right to be silent.
Eames: Well, he doesn't have the right to be deaf, so he's going to have to listen to what we have to say.

Deakins: This guy has a death wish and he's going to take someone down with him.
Eames: We can always hope he gets the order mixed up and shoots himself first.

Crazy [1.12][edit]

[A prominent doctor is killed during his son's bar mitzvah, and all signs point to a distinguished psychologist who is on retainer with the DA's office.]

Eames: A divorce judge. The gift that keeps on giving.

Doctor: These are very bad people.
Doctor's companion: Yeah, they're very bad people. They're New York City police detectives.

Eames: I love everything about this job but that. Buddy-boy system.

Carver: Your client's not insane. He's in love. Maybe it's hard to tell the two apart, but the law can.

The Insider [1.13][edit]

[The father of a celebrity is killed, and the detectives uncover an FBI sting operation targeting the mob.]

Goren: The club is connected, Captain.
Deakins: The magic gut speaks.

Goren: Since when does a 20-year old debutante use the word "dagger?"
Deakins: Maybe she read it in a fashion magazine.

Carver: You heard him. The man wants compelling evidence.
Eames: Right. And I want a foot massage from Derek Jeter.

Goren: She was weak, and you used her. And that really pisses me off.

Eames: It's lonely at the bottom.

Homo Homini Lupis [1.14][edit]

Semi-Professional [1.15][edit]

[An amateur hit man kills the mistress of a judge up for nomination to appellate court, and detectives are try to understand why.]

[Carver watches Goren peer closely at a dead body.]
Carver: Is his investigative style so ... sociable?
Eames: Yeah, sure.

[Goren goes through a law article written by the victim.]
Goren: "Fair Speech and the Fair Use Doctrine: The First Amendment and Encryption Software."
Eames: Stop it. You're making me hot.

Carver: First you call him a plagiarist, then you call him a murderer, now you change your mind. This is no way to treat a justice of the New York Court.

Eames: History of violence. Sounds like a distinguishing feature of the semi-professional hit-man. [To Goren] I only look like I'm not paying attention to you.

Goren: He's paranoid! Pathological!
Carver: Is that police code for "hot-blooded?"
Goren: Well, don't put words in my mouth, or some kind of attitude!
Carver: If he's involved, why on earth would he sign a search warrant for Mr. Cox?
Goren: Because he knew we wouldn't find anything!
Carver: That's paranoid.

Carver: You want to arrest [Judge] Blakemore?
Goren: Arrest would be an understatement.

Phantom [1.16][edit]

[A paroled bank robber is killed two days after he gets out of Sing Sing, and the trail puts Goren and Eames on the trail of a nonexistent man.]
Goren: One thing this line of work teaches us is that guys will do anything for love.
Eames: Or money.

Eames: The only money I got from my family was the 50 bucks my dad gave me for my prom dress.
Goren: Is that the same year you were selling apples outside city hall?
Eames: It was matchsticks, and it was snowing.

[Watching as a suspect approaches the conference room.]
Eames: Ready?
Goren: Yeah. Let's play.

Charlotte: I want to know how you got my pager number.
Eames: It's just one of those things we get to do when we're investigating a murder.

[After Charlotte makes a statement.]
Goren: I believe you.
[Charlotte looks at Eames. Eames shrugs apologetically.]
Eames: I come from a family of cops.

[Charlotte realizes that Goren and Eames tricked her into telling them about her boyfriend.]
Charlotte: You played me. Good cop, bad cop.
[Goren and Eames glance at each other. Charlotte prepares to leave.]
Charlotte: I shoulda remembered. All cops are bad cops.

Eames: [To Goren] My witnesses did better than yours.

Seizure [1.17][edit]

[A woman is murdered with the same MO of a serial murderer awaiting trial. Goren and Eames must race against time to find the killer.]


Eames: Serial killer groupies. And I thought I was pathetic with my ABBA fan club card.

[Goren goes through a suspect's family photo album while Eames rummages in the suspect's closet.]
Goren: What did I tell you about the negligent dad?
Eames: I don't know. I forgot to write it down.

Goren: She wasn't driven to kill out of rage, she chose to kill out of love.
Carver: Love?
Goren: It's a many-splendoured thing.

Yesterday [1.18][edit]

[A dumped body dead for 20 years proves to be the corpse of an unsolved disappearance Captain Deakins worked on as a detective.]


Maledictus [1.19][edit]

[The decapitated head of the daughter of a Russian mafia boss is sent to her publisher's office, but what starts out looking like a mob hit turns into something very different.]

Goren: Strick is a straight guy who can only get excited wearing women's clothing. That usually goes hand-in-hand with masochism.
[Deakins eyes Goren. Eames looks at him.]
Eames: I learn something new every day.

[In regards to two prostitutes from Canada.]
Eames: The girls say Strick paid them five grand each. And here I thought hockey players and maple syrup were Canada's biggest exports.

Badge [1.20][edit]

[Detectives Goren and Eames investigate the involvement of city cops in the death of an auditor.]


[After hearing a witness's explanation of why his alleged poverty]
Eames: Gee. I need a hanky.

[Speaking to Goren about a suspect]
Eames: Terry Randall's a woman. Funny how that detail escaped your powers of observation.

[Discussing a leak of information from inside of One PP, Eames brings up the Chief of Detectives' office.]
Goren: I can vouch for his assistant.
Eames: Denise? You dog.

Goren: Just an innocent question.
Randall: There's nothing innocent about that baby face.

Randall: If something's important, you find a way. We're frugal.
Goren: My partner's a miser. I'm frugal.

Faith [1.21][edit]

[The murder of a Pulitzer prize-winning journalist lead detectives to a chronically ill girl that nobody has ever seen.]


Detective: Lucy Hotpants there, thinks the guy died of spontaneous combustion.
Goren: Right after he was spontaneously hit in the head.

Eames: "To Erica, for giving me a reason to go on."
Sales clerk: So romantic, don't you think?
Eames: You don't want to know what I think.

[After Goren asks an apparent 14-year old Lou Gehrig's patient on the phone about the disease's impact on her menstrual cycle]
Deakins: If I hadn't heard it with my own ears--

Carver: Cantler -- the geneticist with the bestseller?
Goren: Two bestsellers and four wives. Apparently the professor likes the ladies--
[Goren looks pointedly at Eames, who grins.]
Goren: --and vice-a versa.
Eames: You know us. We like men who play with the building blocks of life.

Barb: What's wrong with you that makes you want to destroy someone good like Erica?
[Goren chuckles.]
Goren: I'm just a natural born skeptic.

Tuxedo Hill [1.22][edit]

[The murder of a plumber leads to a corporate malfeasance plot and a conspiracy to hide an accounting scam.]


Eames: That would make it two coincidences.
Goren: One more and it's a conspiracy.

CFO: The Tuxedo Hill Group is a special purpose partnership capitalized by third-party equity to hedge certain Mattawin assets.
[Goren and Eames look at each other.]
Eames: We have no idea what you just said.

[Goren picks up a witness's lap dog.]
Goren: That's a cute dog.
[Goren shows it to Eames.]
Goren: Isn't it cute? What's his name?
Karyn: Ebit.
Goren: Ebit. Is that because he's such a itty-bitty little doggy?

Eames: Diamonds and dogs. All the best friends a girl needs.

[Crowley resists arrest and strike a deal.]
Crowley: No! No, look! You're going to need me!
Goren: And what can you offer to make up for the misery you prepared to wreak on thousands of people who trusted you? What fanatics do to us with guns and bombs, you tried to do with an accounting trick.! Don't you think for a minute that you deserve anything better than they do.

Season 2[edit]

Dead [2.1][edit]

[The ritualistic murder of a mortuary worker leads Goren and Eames to a gruesome body dump and an organized hit man who has planned ahead.]

[Goren squeezes the sores on a corpse and produces pus. Eames winces.]
Eames: You must have been so much fun in biology class.
[Goren rolls the pus between his fingers and sniffs it.]
Goren: Actually my biology teacher, Mr. Dixon, didn't think I was much fun at all.
[Eames nods and fails to look surprised.]

[On the subject of drugs]
Teen: I don't know about that, man.
Eames: You don't know about fry sticks, clickums, wet daddies?
[Teen looks impressed.]
Teen: Damn.

[Deakins watches a pothead witness leave the conference room.]
Deakins: So that's what a brain looks like on embalming fluid.

Goren: I need to use my most important investigative tool. My library card.

[Two suspects discussing the dead mortician.]
Russell: Harry, he got killed over the weekend. Right in the funeral home.
Harry: God has a very peculiar sense of humor.

Eames: The fake boils, the crucifixion pose, it was all just to throw us off.
Goren: It's impressive.
Deakins: It's demented.
Goren: It worked.

Goren: Pacemakers have to be removed before cremation. Otherwise the lithium batteries explode. Gives off a toxic fume and could damage the cremation chamber.
Deakins: Yeah, I heard silicon implants had to be removed. My buddy Martinelli in the 3-7 married a stripper.

Carver: Did the autopsy on Mr. Ferguson prove he'd been frozen, then thawed?
Deakins: The autopsy proved when it comes to medical science, you're better off asking The Magic 8-ball.

Bright Boy [2.2][edit]

[A social worker and a deputy mayor are killed, bringing the Major Case squad in to investigate a school for young geniuses.]

[Goren uses tweezers to pick a piece of lint off the dead driver's suit.]
Goren: Looks like Webster had a passenger, sat close to him. Wore a purple cashmere sweater.
Eames: Tight-fitting size 2 with a plunging neckline.
[Goren inspects the lint with interest.]
Goren: Mm. That I can't tell from this.
Eames: I can tell from the bull he was feeding his wife.

[Deakins watches Goren and Eames enter the observation room after questioning a witness.]
Deakins: I smell square one up ahead.

[Goren pauses to look into a classroom where small children are working on a complicated math problem on the chalkboard.]
Dr. Leonard: Please. You're going to disturb the children.
Goren: Are they working on that problem on the board?
Dr. Leonard: Yes. This is a special math tutorial.
Goren: Really? These little kids are gonna solve that?
Dr. Leonard: These are profoundly gifted children.
Eames: You'll have to forgive my partner, Dr. Leonard. He's feeling very humble right now.

[Regarding a test that tests social adjustment.]
Eames: I remember this. We had to take it the last year of high school.
Goren: So did we.
Eames: How did you do?
Goren: I had to go to my counselor's office and have a talk with the school shrink.
[Eames chuckles.]
Goren: How about you?
Eames: Me? I was so well adjusted, they elected me prom queen.

Anti-Thesis [2.3][edit]

[When a university professor is killed, the detectives encounter a convoluted plot masterminded by an Australian woman who isn't who she seems. Marks the first appearance of Nicole Wallace.]

Dr. Fellowes: You know why the battles in academia are so vicious. It's because the stakes are so low.

Wallace: Everyone knows academics are all talk and no action.

[Teaching a university class.]
Wallace: In American literature, the descent into madness is usually preceded by obsession. A consuming obsession. Example, anyone?
[The class is unresponsive.]
Wallace: Alright, I'll get you started. Moby Dick. What characterizes Ahab's obsession?
[Goren raises his hand in the back of the room.]
Wallace: Yes. In the back.
[Wallace realizes that it is Goren.]
Goren: The dogged, unrelenting pursuit of evil.
Wallace: Interesting. Evil. I always fancied it was man's unrelenting pursuit of his own potency.

Goren: Sometimes a whale is just a whale.

[Discussing a grad student's poor quality thesis.]
Wallace: It wouldn't butter your parsnips.

[Discussing Nicole Wallace.]
Goren: This woman is very, very good.

[In the interrogation room, Wallace shows Goren a pad of paper on which she's written a date and a social security number.]
Goren: That's my social security number and my birthdate.
Wallace: Yes. Remarkable. The fountain of information that can spring from those little numbers. Home address. Next of kin. Mother's maiden name. Mother's address. Tell me, Robert, how often do you get up to the Carmel Ridge Center?

[To Nicole Wallace about the exchange of information.]
Goren: No. You want to play, then it has to be tit for tat.

Wallace: I did meet Nicole before I left for England. She told me things.
Goren: Where is she now?
Wallace: I don't know. Carried away by dingoes? It happens a lot in Australia.

Wallace: My turn. How old were you when you first realized your mommy wasn't like all the other mommies?
[Goren slams out of his chair and stands. He walks around the table and sits down next to Wallace. He loosens his collar.]
Goren: Seven.
Wallace: Were you ashamed?
Goren: And frightened. My turn. How old were you when your father first molested you? [Wallace grows quiet] It's the only explanation for your intense hatred of men. It's why you use sex - it's an exercise in self-hatred.

[To Nicole Wallace]
Goren: When I met you, you wanted me to know who you truly were; how smart, how funny, how charming you were. You wanted me to know you, Nicole Wallace, a sparkling, little girl who survived horrible abuse with her wits intact.

[Goren and Eames arrive too late to arrest Wallace and find she has already abandoned her apartment.]
Eames: What did you think, she'd have scones and a glass of sherry for us?

Best Defense [2.4][edit]

[Attempts on an ADA friend of Carver's result in a shooting done in self-defense, and all evidence points to the ADA's wife as the attempted murderer.]


Goren: You're really good at keeping secrets. Me, I just run off at the mouth.

Martinez: Gary Burke is dead.
Eames: How do you know that?
Martinez: PNN. Prison News Network.
Goren: That's the same place we get our news from.

Goren: That's a nice, uh, what you're wearing. I mean, where'd you get that from? From Peru? What do they call that? A serap-- s ... serape. No it's a s... s... s--
Martinez: ...Sweater.

Deakins: The guy's a prosecutor. He knows losing a case is part of the game.
Eames: There's losing, and then there's losing to your wife.
Goren: And then there's getting your balls handed to you on a platter.

Chinoiserie [2.5][edit]

[The murder of a Chinese woman in Chinatown put detectives on the trail of a soldier from the Tiananmen square massacre, and the illegal smuggling of Chinese antiques.]


[Goren calls Eames over to inspect the contents of an oven found in a warehouse.]
Eames: Aha. Illegal baking.

[Goren explains the calligraphy found on scraps of paper to an increasingly bewildered Deakins.]
Goren: This type of calligraphy, the elongated character, the sharp brush strokes, is in the Imperial style of early Qing dynasty, 18th century. It evolved from the thin gold calligraphy developed by the Emperor Huizong.
Eames: He got that off his box of Wheaties this morning.

Eames: You look familiar.
Weems: My last gig. I was the plump and happy raisin in a snack food commercial. Am I in trouble?
Eames: You tell us. You checked into a hotel under an assumed name, forged papers were delivered to your room, an associate of yours is suspected of murdering a woman.
Goren: You don't look so plump and happy now, George.

Goren: It never occurred to you that something illegal was afoot?
Weems: I'm an actor. I'm constantly broke. It was a couple of nights at the St. Francis. It sounded like fun.
Goren: Fantastic.

Goren: This has to be some kind of situation you have on your hands.
Gaston: Why do you say that?
Goren: Well, you've loosened your tie, you got a drink on your desk, you got three phone lines blinking, and you're chewing the inside of your cheeks like some kind of frantic chipmunk.
[Goren pauses briefly and Gaston gets increasingly nervous.]
Goren: Are you under a lot of stress?

Goren: We are discreet with innocent victims. If they behave like innocent victims.

Eames: Why do you have these forged documents?
Lucille Mobray: I thought it would be fun to have them.
Eames: Well, we think it would be fun for these guys to take you down to our interrogation room.

Malignant [2.6][edit]

[The hijacking of a drug delivery van accidentally leads detectives to a case of cancer drug tampering.]


[Goren climbs on top of a pharmacy counter.]
Pharmacist: Excuse me, but...
Eames: Don't worry. he does this all the time.

Rodgers: Of those, I identified 14 cancer patients who statistically should be alive if they received the right dosage of chemotherapy. 9 families gave me permission to exhume the bodies.
Goren: Only 9. You must have some bedside manner.
Rodgers: There's a reason I work with dead people.

Mills: I can't help noticing, Detective, the way you pull together all these different elements. Good stuff.
[Goren chuckles and looks at Eames.]
Goren: It's good stuff.

Mills: Detective, shame is a very underrated emotion. in the big city, it's very easy to go unnoticed by others, so your conscience becomes your only witness. And for most of us, that's not enough.

Eames: I can't imagine what he went through, waiting for her to die.
Goren: That must've been the worst hour of his life.
Eames: Hour? He said two days.
Goren: Well, I'm pretty sure I heard him say an hour.
Eames: Maybe I need a prescription for my hearing.

Tomorrow [2.7][edit]

[The brutal murder of a rich man's children and their friend is a mystery until detectives start to focus on the strange fantasy life of the family's nanny.]

Deakins: The evil stepmother had the kids whacked. By who? The big bad wolf?

[When Goren and Eames try to get Carver to get a juvenile file unsealed based on the fact they found peas lined up in a row next to the body and one of the nannies lines corn kernels up in a row.]:
Carver: All you have is peas and corn kernels. You're a few lima beans short of succotash, Detectives.
Goren: [Goren looks puzzled.] Uh, Succotash?
Carver: Your evidence is anecdotal. I line up my shoes at night.
Eames: Why am I not surprised?

Goren: Who's the worst pro bono lawyer you know?
Carver: The worst? That's easy. Stan Shatenstein.
Goren: Um, You know, hypothetically, how would we get Stan Shatenstein assigned to two defendents. What would we do?
Carver: What would you do? Hypothetically?

[From the deleted scenes]
Carver: Your professional opinion is the best evidence we have so far.
Skoda: That wasn't an opinion. That was me playing air guitar.

Suite Sorrow [2.12][edit]

Goren: Botox works by paralyzing the--the nerves around the facial muscles, doesn't it?
Eames: Does it look like I'd know?

Probability [2.14][edit]

[to Goren, re: Wally Stevens]
Eames: I didn't know you had an older, geekier brother.

Monster [2.15][edit]

Eames: Marston is sitting pretty high in the saddle.
Goren: Let's put a burr under that saddle.

Cuba Libre [2.16][edit]

Milton Winters: It's these cops! They're trying to kill me! They're after me!
Goren: For once you're right -- we are after you. Milton Winters, you're under arrest!

Goren: He shoots wild....probably one handed cocked to one side.
Eames: [sarcastically] Like in the gangsta flicks.

A Person of Interest [2.23][edit]

Nicole Wallace: Hello Bobby. I would call you Detective Goren, but given your press coverage lately, you'd probably want a low profile. Keep your hands on deck. We don't want you playing with your pistol under the table.

[Goren tries to test Nicole Wallace for anthrax as part of a ruse to arrest her]
Goren: Give me your hand.
Nicole Wallace: If you just wanted to hold my hand, Bobby, you didn't have to go through such measures. Is it everything you imagined?
Goren: Don't flatter yourself. I see in you what your other conquests don't.
Nicole Wallace: Ah, yes, the famous Goren vision. A little short-sighted these days, with one glaring blind spot.
Goren: We all have our off days.

Nicole Wallace: Don't think for a second that this is the end of us, Bobby.

Season 3[edit]

During Season 3, the character of Eames took a brief hiatus to serve as a surrogate mother for her sister's baby. During her absence from active duty, Lynn Bishop was brought in to partner with Goren. Those episodes are marked with "G/B."

Undaunted Mettle [3.1][edit]

[A murdered architecture student leads Goren and Eames to a high-profile architect who is competing to design the new buildings in place of the Twin Towers.]


[Going through the wallet of the victim.]
Eames: Library card. Man after your own heart.

[After telling the Captain that she will be a surrogate mother for her sister.]
Eames: He said when the time comes, he'll hook you up with a temporary partner.
Goren: Oh, no. I didn't even think of that. Well, what did you say?
Eames: I pity the fool.

Laurette: Whether you like it or not, my work has entered your subconscious.
Eames: Mm. And I thought it was last night's potstickers.

Eames: Well, if he wanted to get inside Laurette's head, he needed more blondes in his life.

Goren: Well, buildings may crumble, but infamy's forever.

Gemini [3.2][edit]


Eames: This is nice. Charles Darwin as a serial killer.

Goren: Our shooter didn't write that letter.
Eames: Great, another nut in the mix.

[When the detectives suspect a copycat murder was performed by an imprisoned man's brother to apparently exonerate him.]
Goren: The twisted tango of brotherly love.

[When Carver confronts executives about concealing the existence of a second murderer.]
Executive: The effect to our company would have been devastating. We had to think of our employees.
Carver: Yes, I'm sure they were foremost in your thoughts.

[Trying to convince Carver to cut a deal with a paranoid schizophrenic.]
Goren: [To Carver] Y-- You know, I find paranoid schizophrenics make excellent witnesses.

[When Spencer's brother tells the police that Spencer knew where the murder weapon was.]
Spencer: None of this is true. You said so himself. He's crazy.
Goren: Yeah, he may be crazy, but you're evil.

[Both brothers are led away by police. Eames looks after them.]
Eames: The tango just goes on.

The Gift [3.3][edit]


Eames: Maybe one day we'll get lucky and robbery will be the motive.

Goren: Of all places to ditch a car, Long Island City would not be my first choice.

Eames: It's amazing what one copper mine can do for a family.

But Not Forgotten [3.4][edit]

[Goren starts opening a container of cheese that belonged to the victim.]
Eames: And I thought that dog was ripe.
Goren: Yeah, it's very, uh-- uh, assertive.
Eames: Yeah.
Goren: Sheep's milk. It's, uh, "rochetta."
Eames: You can tell that just from the smell?
Goren: Label.

[Eames watches Goren fondling the head of a drowned and battered murdered suspect. She grimaces.]
Eames: You keep doing that, I'm going to drop this kid right here.

[When an ex-detective is arrested for murder.]
Deakins: So much for passing out brains with those gold shields.

Pravda [3.5] [G/B][edit]


[The crime scene detective explains the scene, then looks at Goren and Bishop.]
Detective: You two don't take notes?
Goren: Uh, we haven't worked that out yet.

Detective: You might want to make a note? That's probably the murder weapon.

Bishop: $220 at a shot, sometimes $440, sometimes twice a night.
Eames: Are these late night withdrawals?
[Bishop nods.]
Eames: Cash machines at strip bars charge you a 10% premium. A $200 lap dance will cost you $220.
[Goren grins proudly.]
Goren: You see what you miss not working Vice?

[As Goren and Bishop walk away from a luncheon table, after Goren causes a scene with a potential suspect.]
Bishop: So you know, I did not enjoy that.
Goren: No? Eames would have.

Bishop: If you were showing me how to turn a friendly witness into a hostile one, you succeeded.

[Carver kicks Goren out of his conference room after Goren torpedoes the case against a suspect.]
Carver: Are you working for the defense now?

Stray [3.6] [G/B][edit]


[Goren sits down at the computer and starts scrolling down. Bishop clears her throat.]
Goren: If I'm not scrolling fast enough for you, be my guest.
Bishop: I'm sorry, I don't--
Goren: No, really, I don't mind. Eames likes to drive, so she drives. You want to scroll, scroll.

Goren: You sure you don't want to take the car?
Bishop: No, it's only two blocks over.
Goren: Your feet hurt. I notice, your toes are curling in your shoes.

Bishop: After a week of killings, nothing like soft lights and a warm bath.

A Murderer Among Us [3.7] [G/B][edit]


[Speaking of the NYPD.]
Brody: You make the truth sound like a lie.

Goren: The cuts are on the backs of her hands. If she was defending herself--
Bishop: You mean if she was defending herself like a girl. What if she was defending herself like a boxer.
Rodgers: Score one for the new kid.

Bishop: If it's okay, I'd like to come with you.
Eames: Sure. You can carry me up the stairs.

Sound Bodies [3.8] [G/B][edit]

[A case of random poisoning in a small, island-locked community leads detectives to a subculture of sex games among the teenagers, and a string of bizarre deaths.]


[Upon hearing that packets of artificial sweetener were poisoned.]
Deakins: The killer was targeting people on diets?

[Eames and Bishop are talking. Goren is listening to a 911 tape, and suddenly slaps the table. Both women look at him. He is oblivious.]
Eames: Want me to stick a dart in him?

[On learning that three 17-year old victims had the same strain of gonorrhea.]
Goren: So they got it from the same girl.
Rodgers: Unless toilet seats and doorknobs are making a comeback.

Goren: You just wait with your little fishing rod, and you just hook whatever damaged goods comes out of the pit.

[Conway bitch-slaps Goren. He grabs Conway's hands.]
Goren: Ouch!

Happy Family [3.9] [G/B][edit]

[When a rich man is found brutally murdered, the detectives investigate the murky relationships in his divorce-wracked family.]


Mrs. Connors: I called him at his job. His partner said he was on his way. And then he arrived. It's no mystery.
Goren: Well, the mystery is that, uh, the reception in the recital hall, it cleared up. Because a moment ago, you said it was like a tomb.
Mrs. Connors: My sons'll be home for lunch soon. It would be so nice if you weren't here.

Forensics Tech: Shirt's chambray, size large.
Eames: Well, that fits Eddie Malloy.
Deakins: Fits me, too.
Eames: Yeah, but you're not dating a widow with $40 million.

Malloy: I don't mess with collectibles. Check my rap sheet. Strictly TVs and toasters.
Bishop: But you knew about the Connors' stamp collection.
Malloy: I know they keep money in banks, but I don't break in and steal it.
Bishop: Well, that's admirable.

Goren: She pooched your alibi.

Dr. Friedman: I don't know anything about her condition.
Goren: Lucky for us, Dr. Friedman, you're a terrible liar.

Goren: Solomon threatened to split the child. Maybe this time we should let the child decide.

Carver: From a Romanian orphanage to an American divorce. I hope New York State will prove a better guardian for these children.
Goren: Well, from your lips to God's ear.

F.P.S [3.10] [G/B][edit]

[While Eames goes into labor, Bishop and Goren investigate the mysterious death of a girl gamer.]


Goren: Her laptop is missing. Is it in there?
Bishop: [Going through drawers in the victim's bedroom] Only two things in here with batteries. None of them's a computer.

Goren: [Looking around a suspect's computer collection] What're you running here, Raymond? A group home for computers?

Bishop: A computer geek who can clone himself. Scary thought.

Deakins: When we catch this guy, he's going to owe me a bottle of aspirin.

MCS Computer Tech: Gotchya, monkey brain.

[After Goren has lashed out a suspect who he thought was behind on his child support payments and is proved wrong.]
Goren: [To Bishop] Croydon. McVee is another Croydon.
Bishop: Who's-- Who's Croydon?
Goren: He ran out on his wife. Hitchens used him to get at me. And the pattern. One, one, two-- it's Wally Stevens.
Bishop: I don't know what you're talking about.
Goren: He was an actuary. He had a pattern of five. Five-- five notes. Five ... pins. [Pauses.] Eames would have known.

Goren: [To Bishop] It's about yearning. He misses his partner.

Carver: He killed her to drive his partner back into his arms? That's almost juvenile.
Goren: It's primitive. Panic is a primitive emotion. That's how he felt without his partner.

Jack: [To Neil] I told you, I didn't even know her name. She was just a gamer.
Goren: [To Neil] Just a gamer? Your partner let a gamer get between you two. If my partner was putting me through that -- abandoning me, leaving me vulnerable, impotent, for a nobody -- That's unforgivable.

[Goren's cell phone rings. He opens it and looks at the message. He looks relieved.]
Goren: Seven pounds, eight ounces.
Carver: [smiling] Excellent.
Bishop: It's great. You-- You should call her. I'll handle the booking.

Mad Hops [3.11] [G/B][edit]

[A dead P.I. leads detectives to a complicated scheme of high school sports recruitment, and brings back memories of his own youth to Goren.]


Detective: [Describing the dead victim.] He had no ID, no cell phone, no watch. Punks used the whole buffalo.

Goren: [Regarding the dead P.I.] He taught social sciences at I.S. 44, 15 years ago.
Bishop: In the Bronx. Should have been enough excitement for two lifetimes.

[Goren and Bishop speak to some street basketball players.]
Guy in wheelchair: Marv, check out her dibs. [To Bishop] What do you got on, P. Diddy drapes? What you all, fashion police? [All laugh.]
Goren: Obviously, they don't know we're the hoops police, 'cause-- [to Marv] --we ought to lock you up for wearin' those kicks. Where'd you find those? on a telephone line?
Players: Wooo! [All laugh. The players throw the ball to Goren.]

Deakins: You played ball in school?
Goren: J.V. Power forward. Gave it up.

Coach: You played?
Goren: Yeah. High school.
Coach: In the city? Maybe I saw you play.
Goren: No. I didn't stick with it.
Coach: Ah. Maybe with the right encouragement.

Student: I didn't actually see him selling weed. But everybody knows he was doin' it.
Goren: Well, then it must be true.

Coach: [To Bishop] Does he always beat around the bush?
Goren: I can be direct. You're divorced. You got no kids. And basketball is pretty much it for you, Coach. You haven't won a championship in the last seven years. You might be hungry for a big win to cap your career. Hungry enough to go into business with Curtis Romney?
Coach: I can be direct, too. I see a problem with authority figures. You defy them. You disrespect them. But the truth is, you're intimidated by them. It's the mark of a boy with an indifferent father. His absence took the joy out of playing basketball.

Deakins: Convenience store. A gun's practically standard equipment.

[In the Coach's apartment, Goren and Bishop look over some of the Coach's play strategies.]
Goren: Picket-fence play. Four players in a row, fifth dribbles behind. It's old school.
Bishop: Everything about Powell's old school. I think he stopped buying jackets when Wilt Chamberlain retired.

Goren: [Picks up a plant in a pot on the Coach's counter.] Cranberry seedling. With my dad, it was avocado pits in a glass of water.
[He looks over the kitchen sink counter and spots the television across the room.]
Goren: TV. He stood over the sink and he ate while he watched TV.
Bishop: Something you do?
Goren: No. No, I found the same arrangement when I cleaned out my dad's apartment.

Goren: I know this guy. He's a lonely man with a shot at happiness. He's gonna fight for it.

Goren: [To Coach] Look, you shouldn't lose everything because you tried to help this kid. You know, when my father died, he had just enough money to, uh, cover his own funeral. That shouldn't happen to you.

Goren: You know how to pick 'em, Coach.
Coach: Now, you go ahead, Goren. You get it all out, all that defiance.
Goren: You see that? His understanding of what makes a young man tick -- it's like a gift.

Coach: You really beat the old man good, didn't you?
Goren: Well, that's how I beat all my men on the court, Coach-- head fake.
Coach: The way you talk about the game, it's just as well you stopped playing. You got no love for it.
[Uniforms take the Coach away in cuffs.]
Bishop: Well, he's hardly one to talk.
Goren: No, he's right. I stopped loving the game, when I saw it-- it wasn't getting me what I wanted.

Unrequited [3.12][edit]

[An anonymous tip leads Eames and Goren to an old murder, and the precarious juggle of the merry widow's extracurricular activities.]

Lawyer: I would have thought the police knew better than to put stock in an anonymous letter. I assume that since you didn't bother to inform Mrs. Whitney of the exhumation, that this letter also names her as a suspect.
Eames: Like you said, we know better than to put stock in anonymous letters.

Mrs. Whitney: You're interrupting a very important evening.
Goren: We could come back tomorrow....
Mrs. Whitney: That would be so much better.
Goren: Yeah. But since we're here--

Bradley: What the hell are you imagining? I'm interested in her acting. I signed her own as a student four weeks ago.
Goren: [Copying a mime taking place in the other room] Do you have a lot of students in their 60s?
Bradley: No.
Goren: Fifties, forties--
Eames: I'm guessing 25 is the cutoff for actresses. Twenty-six if they're pretty.

Eames: Money's just been flying out of her pocket. Dance lessons, voice coaches--
Goren: She's servicing a long-suppressed ambition.
Deakins: To star in the uptown Y's production of Mame?

Goren: [Describing a person they've just met] And the facial tic-- it's, uh, disarming. The more anxious he gets, the worse it gets. If it's like most simple motor tics, it developed in early childhood.
Deakins: [To Eames] See what you missed?
[Eames sighs]

[Reviewing the photocopy of a donation Eames made during a recent First Responders benefit]
Eames: Here's the check for the First Responders benefit, front and back.
Deakins: [Reading over her shoulder] Five hundred bucks. Who's Terry?
Eames: My date.
[Deakins and Goren look at her.]
Eames: Well, what was I supposed to do while I was pregnant? Sit home and knit?

[Upon discovering that a donation paid to benefit one group was used to pay for party favors for a wildlife benefit several months prior]
Eames: So Harvey's having to rob Peter to pay the pandas.

[Goren is prevented for the third time from trying to enter Mrs. Gruenwald's apartment.]
Goren: You are tough, Mrs. Gruenwald, 'cause normally Detective Eames and I, we'd be in the living room by now.

Carver: [Coming from a bail hearing] Now I know what a cattle auction feels like.

[At a rehearsal for Mrs. Whitney's one-woman show.]
Mrs. Whitney: Larry, I think I should be nearer to the edge of the stage. I want to fix them with my eyes. I want to frighten them.
Bradley: Take my word for it, Marion. If they're here tonight, they'll be frightened.

Mrs. Whitney: [As she is being arrested] You can't do this to me. This can't be happening to me.
Eames: Sorry. Looks like you forgot your ruby slippers.

Goren: I think Harvey will like jail. Well, it's where all the famous people are these days.

Pas de Deux [3.13][edit]

[An apparent case of robbery by innocent bystander sends Goren and Eames in pursuit of a murderer who wires his victims up with bombs in order to rob banks.]


[Goren and Eames find a black briefcase in a garbage can after looking over a victim who was killed by a bomb.]
Eames: [Turns away] I'm going to get the bomb guys.
Goren: [Reaches in to grab a tag off the briefcase.] There's an ID tag on the briefcase.
[Eames attempts to stop him, then closes her eyes and puts her head in her hand.]
Goren: [Reading] It's B&C Copier Systems. Ernie Dominguez. [He turns it to show Eames.]
Eames: It's so nice to be back.

[Going through the victim's closet.]
Eames: Three ties-- clip-ons.
Goren: In case they get caught in the rollers of the copier. He's careful.
Eames: He should've worn a clip-on bomb.

Mis-Labeled [3.14][edit]

Goren: Doctor, tell me something. When you decide to dump this stuff, what do you do, flip a coin? Heads Asia, tails Africa?

Goren: You cut a human being in half, Brian. How good does that make you?

Shrink-Wrapped [3.15][edit]

[After the death of a musician who is found brutally murdered in his recording studio, Detectives Goren and Eames must deal with bizarre family of shrinks.]

Eames: Transferance Be-bop?
Goren: Those are psychotherapeutic terms; he was seeing a shrink.
Eames: Been better off seeing a lyricist.

Carver: This family makes me want to go home and kiss my wife.

The Saint [3.16][edit]

[A complicated scheme of forgery, fraud, and defamation is discovered targeting a long-dead saint when a woman is killed by a booby-trapped gift.]
Elizabeth Bennett: [to her son] You are nothing but a common criminal!
Goren: There's nothing common about your son. Or his crime.

Eames: She worshipped a saint and raised a sinner.
Goren: The sinner raised himself.

Conscience [3.17][edit]

Goren: Either he's a psychic for Greenpeace or he's a liar.

Goren: Once a murderer, always a murderer.

Ill-Bred [3.18][edit]

Eames: When I was a kid, I used to dream about living on a horse farm.
Goren: That's a nice dream... for a horse.

Fico De Capo [3.19][edit]

Goren: He felt anger, he just knew better than to show it. Instead he-he went blank, like he was flipping through an emotional Rolodex, searching for the socially appropriate response. But anger...that is his only true emotional response.

Consumed [3.21][edit]

Eames: Nothing says rage-aholic like a punch in the wall. His neighbors must love him.

Goren: They say that this should be served at room temperature, but it's best served cold: Revenge.

Eames: So that's what fifteen million bucks looks like.
Goren: So that's what vengeance gets you? A mouthful of ashes?

Season 4[edit]

Semi-Detached [4.1][edit]

Goren: Last time, he left a suicide note?
Garnett: He made a tape. He had it with him in the car. Ray loves the sound of his own voice.

Carlson: Don't you care about me at all? I know you do, I saw it.
Goren: I didn't mean for you to see it.

The Posthumous Collection [4.2][edit]

Eames: As murders go, it's pretty flashy.
Goren: Could be the point.

Want [4.3][edit]

[Goren and Eames investigate a serial killer who kills to create a perfect, submissive partner]

[Goren doesn't think Tagman should get the death penalty for brutalizing two women]
Eames: Of all the people to go to bat for...
Goren: I know it's not the popular choice.
Eames: I'll say!

Eames: Tagman volunteered for an experiment on the criminal mind.
Carver: They should do tests on how one man can shed so many crocodile tears.

Eames: [after learning that Tagman has been murdered in prison] Well, at least now we all have what we want.

Great Barrier [4.4][edit]

[Goren's nemesis, Nicole Wallace, resurfaces as the brains behind a diamond theft ring]

Nicole Wallace: [reading a plaque on the station wall] "The Greatest Detectives in the World". You have to wonder about people who need such positive reinforcement.

Nicole Wallace: I came here for a truce, Bobby.
Goren: A truce?
Nicole Wallace: Notwithstanding your "unrelenting pursuit of evil".
Goren: Evil, Nicole, is also unrelenting in its pursuits.

Nicole Wallace: [to Eames] We can't all be blessed with eggs ripe and ready for hire. Tell me, detective, did your sister at least let you keep the sonogram to cuddle up with at night?
Eames: [angry but controlled] I see my nephew at least three times a week. Being pregnant was a great experience. Consider yourself robbed.

[Wallace has jumped to her apparent death, but her body is never found]
Goren: How long do you think it would have taken for Nicole to collect a quart of her own blood?
Eames: If the blood was a set-up, why wouldn't Ella say something about it when she saw it all over the room?
Goren: Maybe she was in on it. Maybe we never turned her.
Eames: And she had to learn the hard way.
Goren: It's just a thought.

Eosphoros [4.5][edit]

Carver: Congratulations, you've managed to unite atheists and Christians in common cause against police harassment.
Eames: We do what we can.
Carver: What you seem to be doing is playing musical suspects.

Goren: Well, she didn't believe in heaven and hell, so how would she know the devil was massaging her neck?

In the Dark [4.6][edit]

[A head donated to medical science has a bullet in it, and the trail of investigation leads Goren and Eames to the steam tunnels under the city and a scam involving homeless men being murdered for money.]

[Harassing an employee at a body donation department of a university to try and get information. Goren starts poking into morgue coolers and opening up containers.]
Goren: Look at that. It's a heart, from a--
[He looks at the label on the container.]
Goren: --Mr. Hoss. It hardly looks used.

Employee: I should talk to an attorney.
Eames: Better make it a good one, with experience in murder cases. That lady's head had a bullet in it.
[Employee gapes. Goren looks at him.]
Goren: Cat got your tongue?
[He points down at one of the containers containing body parts.]
Goren: 'cuz there's an extra one in here.

Body snatcher: Better I take them than leave them for Donald.
Goren: Who's Donald?
Body snatcher: A demon, of course.

[Rodgers wheels in a cart containing disassembled body parts.]
Rodgers: Metcalf still had his hands and feet. His head was up in San Francisco. The rest of him is at a research lab in Maui. Some people have all the luck.

[Deakins watches Goren toying with a piece of leather, angling it up to the light.]
Deakins: Beaming signals to the mother ship?

[Deakins walks into an office and sees a line of files of victims Goren and Eames have found.]
Deakins: So this is it. The rest of the iceberg.

Goren: They're an interesting couple.
Eames: The killer and Mrs. Magoo.

Goren: Dinnertime. I wonder what alibi they're serving.

Eames: The dark ages. Sometimes I think we're still living in them.

Magnificat [4.7][edit]

Eames: [about Whitlock] I don't know about you, but that guy's starting to stick in my craw.

Goren: I see why you're not angry at her. Because she's a reflection of everything that you've done to her.
Whitlock: I did nothing but help her.
Goren: No, you terrorized her! You got kicked around at work, you came home, and you crushed her.
Whitlock: I never laid a hand on her!
Goren: You didn't have to!

Silver Lining [4.8][edit]

Eames: He's making fun of us.
Goren: Well, I would too if I were this good.

Wesley Kenderson: This is the last time we meet like this detective.
Goren: I hope so.
Mrs. Kenderson: Hope is for suckers, Detective.

Inert Dwarf [4.9][edit]

Eames: [about Manotti] For being such a genius, he's not much of a liar.

Goren: My mother always said, "Be happy you're not a genius - it makes for a lonely life."

The View From Up Here [4.10][edit]

Eames: It's a big comedown to go from God's avenger to prized patsy.

Gone [4.11][edit]

Carly: I didn't kill her.
Goren: We don't care. You're who we've got.

Goren: See, that's what happens when you keep people from doing what they do best. It makes them insane.

Collective [4.12][edit]

Goren: Is that when the light bulb went on? Saw what your life really was? Life of a loser. You know, pretending to be little vampires, hanging out in your vampire crypt, discussing your vampire books, having sad vampire sex in a plywood vampire box.

Eames: Poor Arnie, his robots had more heart than the woman of his dreams.

Stress Position [4.13][edit]

Logan: Funny how bad apples always find each other.
Goren: Maybe it's their barrels that make the apples bad.

[Logan comes close to punching a suspect, but restrains himself]
Logan: That guy would have been worth another 10 years on Staten Island.

Sex Club [4.14][edit]

Deakins: Tough to tell your kid you neglected them because you were too busy romancing the seventh fleet.

Carver: Since I have no intention of asking Mr. Radcliff any questions about that document, I see no basis to turn it over to him.
Judge Aguilar: That is the lamest argument I've heard in a month; if it's evidence he has a right examine it!

Death Roe [4.15][edit]

Eames: Gluttony. Now I know why it made the short list of deadly sins.

Goren: Half an hour. The chef that I talked to said that's what he'd need to dress a human, and then another hour to grind the meat and bones.

Ex Stasis [4.16][edit]

Deakins: I'm gettin' tired of sentences that start with "maybe".

Eames: He's not saying much of anything anymore. Somebody performed brain surgery on him with a .357 Magnum.

Shibboleth [4.17][edit]

[Durbin has just given evidence that his father is a serial killer]
McNare: Your own father. How could you?
Durbin: How could you, Dad?
McNare: "Dad"? You're no son of mine.
Eames: [to Goren] That's the nicest thing he could have said to him.

The Good Child [4.18][edit]

Lipton: I don't even know who she is.
Goren: I-I think that you do, 'cause when I mentioned her name your pulse went up, but when I said that she was missing, you didn't skip a beat. So I don't think it's news to you.
Lipton: My, my. A human polygraph.

Eames: The plot sickens.

No Exit [4.20][edit]

Smythe: Four counts of manslaughter. That's what I get for overestimating the intelligence of a grand jury.
Eames: Just be grateful the D.A. let you off with a plea bargain.
Smythe: I don't consider shutting down my website a bargain. All right, Joanie and Chachi, right? This is the last chat I have for them.
Eames: Thank you. You can go do your little dance in Hell now.

The Unblinking Eye [4.21][edit]

Eames: Nothing like watching a crocodile cry.

Eames: She could confess, but where's the fun in that?

My Good Name [4.22][edit]

Eames: We can't figure out how he got from your precinct, the three-five, to the two-nine, over here.
Mathis: Maybe the Easter wino helped him across the street.

Adair: You're not related to Johnny Eames, from the 9-1?
Eames: My father.
Adair: Carrying on the tradition. I like that.

Season 5[edit]

[During Season 5, the show began alternating episodes between the Goren/Eames team and the Logan/Barek ones due to Vincent D'Onofrio's health. Goren/Eames episodes are marked G/E; Logan/Barek episodes are marked L/B.]

Grow [5.01][edit]

[Goren's nemesis, Nicole Wallace, is suspected in another murder while trying to start a family]

Logan: [about Wallace]: 18 murders. Wow. Beauty, brains and a complete psycho....my dream girl.

Gwen: Daddy doesn`t love me, does he?
Wallace: Sometimes daddies can love too much...you wouldn`t want that...

Goren: Did you think that you`ve finally met the one, a man who senses his own limitations, who understood the weakness of others and he had a daughter, a daughter who loved you...
Wallace: She does love me...
Goren: Here you are, with a child killer as a boyfriend because this is the kind of people that you attract, because you will never have a normal life, a normal life is not for you, Nicole. One day Gwen will do something, or maybe she`ll do nothing, and you`ll snap...
Wallace: No...no...that won`t happen..
Goren: You`re not safe to be around, Nicole...too much damage has been done
Wallace: No, with her I`ll be healed ...it will be all right...
Goren: No...if you want to save yourself you have to face up to who you are...
Wallace: That`s it...that`s all you have for me? Confess...go to prison?

Wallace: You of all people, Bobby - mistrusting a librarian.

Diamond Dogs [5.2] [L/B][edit]

[A series of bloody jewelry store robberies teams new Major Case Squad member Mike Logan with his new partner, Carolyn Barek.]

[Logan turns away from harrying another detective to find Barek staring at him.]
Logan: What?
Barek: Relax. You got the job.

[Logan and Barek watch a security tape. Barek mumbles to herself.]
Logan: You know, you might want to get a cell phone. That way people won't think you're talking to yourself.
Barek: Been working alone too long.

Barek: [To wife] Was something else stolen that didn't make the report?
Logan: [To husband] Alright, look, pal, this busted look on your face, I've been there. So either she can tell us, or you can save us a step.

Barek: Cherry tomato? They're from my garden.
Logan: What else you grow?
Barek: Cabbage.
Logan: Polish food. I love pierogis. Are your mother's any good?
Barek: Nah. Wasn't her thing. So what did Mrs. Logan make her boy?
Logan: Rum punch. [He smiles to himself. Barek looks inquiring.] Private joke.

Barek: That's one of the johns that Logan picked out.
Deakins: [About Logan] He's one of those cops. Always looking for the crook in the room.

Logan: You see that guy next to partner? [While Deakins and Barek watch outside the interview room] That's my boss, and if I don't come through for him, he gonna boot my ass back to Staten Island.

[Barek and Deakins watch Logan interviewing a witness through a glass window. They do not have access to audio.]
Barek: He's got an interesting interview style. Very affable. Cuddly cop. Not what I expected.
[Inside the interview room]
Logan: [To witness] And I'll owe you. I'm good for it. Ask anybody. Mike Logan. How about it? [Witness nods.] Now I'm going to pound my fist on the table. Okay?
[Logan slams his hand on the table and stands up abruptly, looking angry. Outside the room, Barek looks at Deakins.]
Barek: Now that's the Logan I expected.

Logan: So just in case I need an interpreter, how many languages do you speak?
Barek: Spanish, Yiddish, Italian, Polish, some Creole, some Russian, some Cantonese from working in Chinatown. You?
Logan: I can say "Stop, police" and "What's your sign?" in fifteen different languages.

Logan: Have smack, will travel.

Barek: Abusive ex-husbands, boyfriends. It's what she's had to put up with in order to support her habit.
Logan: Lemme get out my violin.
Barek: I was taught in catechism even the worst sinner deserves our compassion.
Logan: Yeah? Yours, maybe. I'll save mine.

[Logan and Barek confront the fence inside the pool hall]
Barek: Hi, we're getting engaged. I'm looking for a diamond solitare.
Fence: I'm not in the jewelry business.
Barek: Are you sure?
Fence: I'm sure.
Logan: What the loop for, so you can find your jeans when you take a leak?
[Logan swings the pool cue on the jeweler's loop on the fence's neck]
Logan: You fencing rocks for Johnny Feist?
Fence: I don't know no Johnny Feist.
Logan: You know, I had a partner -- oh, what a great stick man he was -- here's something he had way too much decency to teach me.
[Logan snaps a pool cue in half with his foot.]
Fence: What're you gonna do with that?
[Logan grabs the fence by the jeweler's loop around his neck and shoves the broken pool cue under his jaw. He drives the fence around the pool hall while Barek follows, looking alarmed.]
Logan: I'm a rage-a-holic cop who took a swing at a city councilman. Everybody thinks that I'm a ticking bomb. Maybe today's the day I blow, I don't know. It's up to you.
Fence: You're sick, man. Don't hurt me.
Logan: Hurt you? Hurt you? How much you pay Johnny for those rocks? You profit from the people he kills. You encourage him to kill more. I have absolutely zero compassion for you. You know, Rudy's not the mayor anymore, but that doesn't mean we can't have some fun.

In the Wee Small Hours (Part 1) [5.6] [L/B] & [G/E][edit]

[When a high school girl from Iowa goes missing, the Major Case squad's investigation leads them to a powerful judge and his family.]


Barek: What kind of mother sends her kid on a trip without a change of pants?
Logan: Besides mine?

Deakins: [Turns off a TV news show.] Smell the rotting meat in the air? That's the vultures gathering.

Eames: The girls don't remember anything about the place except that it's down a flight of stairs and it has a red bar.
Barek: Oh. Ah ... The Shock and Awe club. It's on Harrison between Greenwich and Hudson.
[The other detectives stare at her.]
Barek: There's this DJ there that I know.
[She leaves. Logan grins at Goren and Eames.]

[Goren questions a waitress at a club, showing her sketches of two teenagers.]
Waitress: I don't remember them. Are they your grandkids or something?

Father of witness: She engaged in reckless and inappropriate behavior.
Eames: I think we know what that means.

[After Goren and Logan begin exchanging tidbits about the Rat Pack and its history in New York City landmarks]
Eames: [To Barek] Let's put them out of our misery.

[Goren and Logan head off to a club to look for their suspect. Baren and Eames watch them go.]
Eames: There they go. Ocean's Two.

Logan: Well. I guess we go to the show part of show and tell.

Carver: Ladies and gentlemen, brace yourselves. We are flying into the eye of the hurricane.

[When a member of the press attempts to get into the Peterson's house to interview her about her missing daughter.]
Mrs. Peterson: I know how it is with you people. If she's white put her in the spotlight. If she's black, put her in the back. I'll take your interest now any way it comes, but do not mistake my desperation for gratitude.

In the Wee Small Hours (Part 2) [5.7] [L/B] & [G/E][edit]


Goren: He resisted the cavity search.
Deakins: I don't blame him.

[Discussing the discovery that the victim had a second sexual partner]
Eames: There was a second shooter.

[Upon learning that a suspect's father hired a hooker for his son's 16th birthday]
Logan: Geez, all I got for my birthday was a transistor radio.

Branch: It's not enough doing good. You have to be seen doing good.

[Eames watches Goren peel back a blotter and touch all the stains underneath.]
Goren: I'm just checking which ones are fresh.
Eames: They must love you in the produce section.

[Logan and Barek are called back to One Police Plaza for an emergency meeting with Captain Deakins and the attorney for the City of New York.]
Attorney: The suit alleges civil rights violations including the use of excessive force, going back to 1993.
Logan: This is crap. These were all investigated and dismissed by the review board.
Attorney: All except the last one. Greg Sanchez. He alleges you threatened him with a pool cue and tried to drag him to a bathroom.
Logan: Oh, yeah. Him. The fence. I never actually threatened him.
Attorney: Mr. Sanchez named Detective Barek as a witness.
Barek: Nobody talked to me about it. If they had I would've said I saw a smart detective use the power of suggestion to get life-saving information from a known criminal.

Logan: Hey, thanks for saying that.
Barek: Don't thank me. That's what I saw.
Logan: Well, hey. Thanks for seeing what you saw.

Barek: [About the FBI] Those people couldn't stop an asthma attack.

Carver: For a man who admitted having sex with a 16-year-old murder victim, arrogance is not the best defense.

Attorney: Do you recognize it, Detective Eames?
Eames: Yes. It's a letter I wrote to my superior officer five years ago.
Attorney: Please summarize the contents.
Eames: It's a request for a new partner, but I withdrew my request.
Attorney: Please read the highlighted passage.
Eames: "Detective Goren's erratic and antisocial behavior, his volatile and bizarre interrogation techniques, lead me to have seroius doubts about his judgment and his mental stability--" I want to explain.
Attorney: Thank you. No more questions.
Carver: Redirect, your honor. Detective Eames, please explain why you withdrew your request.
Eames: I was used to working with more conventional detectives. Detective Goren's style is definitely unique and an acquired taste. Over time I came to see that his approach was based on a deep understanding of human behavior. I came to appreciate him as an ethical person, and an effective police officer.
Carver: Thank you. No further questions.

[Outside the courtroom.]
Eames: I'm sorry, Bobby. I should have told you.
Goren: I am an acquired taste. I'm lucky you withdrew your letter.

Sean: I don't know where I heard it. Maybe I read it. On the internet.
Logan: No, we googled and doodled it. It's not anywhere.

Carver: Justice is a jagged road.

[Outside the courtroom seeing Judge Harold Garrett escaping the press.]
Eames: Guess the Garretts will be sharing orange jumpsuits for Christmas.

Dollhouse [5.10] [L/B][edit]

[A dead car salesman leads Logan and Barek to a woman who is using her son to blackmail multiple men into paying child support.]

[About Logan]
Barek: Boys love their toys.

Simmons: It's an honor to meet you. An honor to work on Major Case.
Deakins: At ease, soldier.

Slither [5.11] [G/E][edit]

[Goren and Eames investigate Bernard Fremont, a murderous con artist who "mentored" Goren's nemesis, Nicole Wallace]
Eames: Have you heard from her lately?
Fremont: Nicole is a fugitive, thanks to you two. And, no, she'd never put me in that kind of danger. She's very protective.
Goren: Well, you'd be very proud of your star pupil.
Fremont: I can't take the credit. She's a natural.
Goren: Well, she's very adept at poisons. Is that something that you taught her?
Fremont: I'll take a pass on that.

Deakins: What are we talking about, some kind of Manson family?
Eames: If the Manson family shopped on Madison Avenue.

Watch [5.12] [L/B][edit]

[When a body falls from the wheel well of a passing plane, Logan and Barek are put on the trail of an unlikely serial killer.]
Barek: How do you know all that aeronautical lore? Date a stewardess?
Logan: My old man. Took me to the beach on the weekends to watch the planes take off and land. He used to fly what they called Corsairs off the aircraft carrier Antietam during the Korean War. So. Of course I wanted to be a fighter pilot.
Barek: Hah. I can see that.

Barek: None of them were sexually assaulted, just like our Jane Doe.
Deakins: This perp gets stranger.

Logan: It's rainin' hookers.

[Discussing the possible ID of a Jane Doe.]
Barek: Could be a hooker with no arrests.
Deakins: Yep. And there's a heaven where we'll all be reunited with our childhood dogs.

Deakins: If coincidence were evidence--

Barek: [Speaking to a suspect] You know what occurs to me? That nothing gets you hot. You're just one of those guys that burn cold. You know, like you didn't do well with girls so you just gave up on sex. Like this drawing, of Junie? It's like a kid did it. It lacks anatomy. Is that what you're like, Dwayne? [glances at his crotch.] You lack anatomy, Dwayne?

[Discussing a suspect.]
Barek: He stays here?
Mrs. Geddens: Yes. Until his last night. Then he sleeps on his boat in the harbor. He says to get back his sea legs.
Logan: Yeah. After a weekend I need to get my cop legs back.

Barek: Art could've run but he came back to help his cousin.
Deakins: Yeah, it'd be touching. If they weren't serial killers.

Barek: If Art's dad had known what his bullying would lead to, he might have thought twice about it.
Logan: You ever wonder why I don't have kids? Now you know.

Wasichu [5.14] [L/B][edit]

[The murder of a Secret Service agent in her home focuses the detectives' attention on her lobbyist husband.]

Deakins: I just got a call from the Chief of D's about my detectives giving the run-around to the Secret Service. Didn't I give you my speech about catching more flies with honey because I know your partner's heard it.
Logan: Gee, uh....

Barek: I think we've been made.
Logan: Yes, but as what?

Barek: We're not far from the Pekonic Indian reservation.
Logan: Talk about feeling like a stranger in your own country.
Barek: Them or us?
[Logan grins.]

Barek: That's just what they need. An addiction-driven economy.
Logan: Hey, it's better than no economy at all.

Drama Giocoso [5.16] [L/B][edit]

[When an opera orchestra violinist shows up dead in a ventilation shaft, detectives concentrate on the conductor.]

[When Rodgers starts singing Opera]
Logan: Geez, I never thought I'd envy the dead.

[Regarding a K-9 unit going through the locker rooms to sniff for drugs]
Opera Manager: You're going to let that run wild in my opera house?
Logan: Don't worry. Dexter's housebroken.

Logan: Guy's already got a reputation. Lawsuit might have cost him big time.
Deakins: So he killed her. Guy's seen too many operas.

Logan: This backstage, it should be onstage. They'd sell more tickets.

Reinhardt: If I'd known I would be grilled by some Visigoth
Logan: A what?
Barek: It's a barbarian tribe that invaded Rome.
Logan: Oh.
Barek: I remember that from the one history class I didn't cut.
Reinhardt: I'm sure you were a very charming street urchin.

Reinhardt: You think I need inducements to get what I want? On any night I can point my baton at any woman in the audience and she's mine.
Logan: Well, whatever little stick that you pointed at her, we think you swatted it down with the threat of a lawsuit.

Logan: Waterproof to cover a wound? Maybe it's not for nothing he's wearing a turtleneck.
Barek: We need to find someone who's seen him without his shirt on. Unless you want to take a schwitz with him.
Logan: They don't pay me enough.

[Reinhardt is shirtless, being inspected by Rodgers while Barek and Logan watch.]
Reinhardt: I'm warning you, doctor, if you faint, I'm not responsible.
Rodgers: I'll try to control myself. By the way, your production of Aida five years ago? One of the best nights of my life.
[Rodgers looks at Logan.]
Rodgers: Lenny Briscoe took me.

Lawyer: Enough with the Vulcan mind meld.

The Healer [5.18] [L/B][edit]

[Detectives investigate claims of voodoo when two sisters are found wrapped in plastic cocoons and asphyxiated.]


Robbie: How do you know those girls? Are they pros?
Jack: No. Thanks to Dr. Dre and Fat Joe, chicks dig fat guys.

Logan: These girls have boyfriends?
Detective: Super says no. They were nice, quiet girls.
Logan: Well, they are now.

Barek: Her area of research is death?
Professor: It's how people use magical thinking to deal with the uncertainties of death.
Barek: Magical thinking. So you can control events with your thoughts.
Professor: Or with ritualistic behavior.
Logan: Like crossing yourself when you pass a hearse.
[Barek flips through a notebook.]
Barek: She's got that one here along with getting your throat blessed so you don't choke on a fish bone.
Logan: That doesn't work?

Barek: There is ash on their forehead.
Rodgers: Frankincense. And almond oil on their lips.
Barek: Some kind of Last Rites?
Rodgers: A killer worried about their afterlife?
Logan: He should've worried about his own.

[Logan sits down next to an old woman in a clinic.]
Logan: Hi.
Grace: Hi.
Logan: I just thought you should know you've got seeds falling out of your pocket.
Grace: Oh!
Logan: Don't worry. I won't tell anyone. What you got in there?
[Grace shows him what's inside the brown paper bag on her lap.]
Logan: A parakeet!
Grace: I saw him at the pet shop on the way here. And there was something so familiar about him.
Logan: Familiar?
[Grace peers into the bag.]
Grace: I think it's my late husband.
[Logan stares at her.]
Grace: Oh, it's a young bird and doesn't know how to talk yet, so I don't know for sure.

Logan: She keeps taking money out every week until December. And the same thing happens. She stops paying, she gets sicker.
Barek: Here again, in February, when she starts paying again, she gets better.
Deakins: Someone's playing her health like a yo-yo to get money out of her.
Logan: Must be a trick you learn in nursing school.

[Logan and Barek sit in a car, watching crowds file up and down a residential staircase.]
Logan: Lot of foot traffic. What do you think, a bake sale?

Deakins: Put the bloodhounds on her.

Logan: Barek. What's with you and the voodoo stuff?
Barek: I respect it. Same as any religion. They have a supreme God, and spirits that they can negotiate with. It's like my mother praying to the Virgin Mary for a girl, or my father praying to Saint Joseph for a job.
Logan: I didn't say I believe in that either.
Barek: Yeah, but still, my mother had me, and my father put three kids through school.
Logan: But voodoo?
Barek: If white people believed in voodoo, it wouldn't have the stigma it has.

Rodgers: You alright, detective?
Logan: Hm? Yeah. I got a rash.
Rodgers: You mind if I look?
Logan: Go ahead.
[Logan's arm is covered with welts.]
Rodgers: It might be impetigo.
[She checks his forehead.]
Rodgers: You feel feverish. You want, I could examine you.
Logan: Yeah, well, maybe when I'm dead.

[Barek watches Logan scratch his arm.]
Logan: God....
Barek: You seen a doctor yet?
Logan: Yeah, those jokers at the HMO. They tossed a coin, heads it was Lyme disease, tails it was shingles.
Barek: It started right after we saw Lydia. She warned you.
Logan: Ooooh. A spell. Listen. What I don't believe, won't hurt me.

Barek: Professor, you sound like you're afraid of her. You lost about 20 pounds since these pictures. Were you sick?
Lydia's ex-husband: I caught some bug, traveling in India.
Barek: Was that around the time that Lydia left? What'd she do to you?
Lydia's ex-husband: Who knows. Look, they ran tests ... all I know is that I had a rash, I started sleeping 20 hours a day, I couldn't wake up. That's when Lydia left.
[Logan looks up.]
Barek: A rash. That's how it started
Ex: Yes
Barek: Red blotches, maybe a fever.
Ex: Yes. Why?
[Barek and Logan exchange glances.]

Logan: It's a fluke.
Barek: Mike, you need to see a specialist. I know just the person you need to see.
[Cut to next scene, home of voodoo priestess.]

[Mama Louise hands Logan a small vial for treatment.]
Logan: That's not ground-up toadstools, is it?
Mama Louise: Is calamine lotion.

Mama Louise: She has no power of her own. Just tricks. She has to use his belief in her to control him.
Logan: So much for voodoo magic.
Mama Louise: Is like any other religion, detective. The magic is in the believers' faith.

Carver: Pufferfish. Curiouser and curiouser.

Barek: I'm sorry, the warrant's good for any non-traditional medicines or supplements.
Teddy: No, I need them.
Robbie: Look, just leave him alone. He's an old man.
[Robbie reaches for the bag of herbs Barek is holding.]
Logan: Hey! Hey! You making a move on my partner?
Barek: I think he did.
Robbie: [Bewildered] No, No, I just--
[Logan throws him against the counter and cuffs him.]
Logan: You definitely need to be arrested, my friend.

[As both suspects are settled in the interrogation room]
Logan: So here we are, the sorcerer and her apprentice.

Logan: C'mon. Here's a little police magic. Shazam, you're under arrest.

Lydia: You think the last time was bad, detective? You just wait.
Logan: Well. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you go to jail.
[He waves good-bye to Lydia.]

Barek: Faith trumps science. Once again.
Logan: Nothing a little calamine lotion can't fix.

To the Bone [5.20] [L/B][edit]

[An investigation into a grisly series of home invasion/murders turns tragic when Logan is forced to shoot an undercover cop.]


Deakins: You were cleared, Mike. Anybody gives you any crap, they can talk to me.

Logan: What, you goin'?
Barek: Yeah. Sleep. Remember?
Logan: You live all the way in Brooklyn. My place is right down the street. I'll take the couch.
[Logan grins. Barek looks at him.]
Barek: I don't believe you got a couch that big.
Logan: Yeah. Maybe not. Forget it.
Barek: Go home, Mike. On account you're not in your right head.

Olivet: It's called Post-Traumatic Stress, Mike.
Logan: I'm so relieved it has a name.

Logan: It would've been better if he'd shot me.

Olivet: What about your colleagues?
Logan: Oh. Well. They're all very supportive.
Olivet: What do you want them to do. Take a swing at you? Is that why you tried to provoke your partner?
Logan: I killed a cop.
Olivet: Mike. You have to accept that it's possible to do all the right things and still get a bad result.
Logan: How? How do you accept that?

Season 6[edit]

[During Season 6, the Logan/Barek team was changed to a Logan/Wheeler one when Annabella Sciorra (playing Carolyn Barek) was replaced with Julianne Nicholson playing Megan Wheeler. Episodes continued to alternate between teams. Goren/Eames episodes are marked G/E; Logan/Wheeler episodes are marked L/W.]

Tru Love [6.2] [L/W][edit]

[Logan teams up with his new partner, Megan Wheeler, to investigate the death of a womanizing man who was a surgeon to the NYPD.]

[Driving in the car on the way to the crime scene.]
Logan: Listen, we got to split the driving, 'cause cabbies make me homicidal.
Wheeler: Good.
[Long silence.]
Logan: Don't feel we got to make conversation just because we're partners, either.
Wheeler: Ditto.

Wheeler: So you're kind of over the whole excitement over a new partner thing?
Logan: [Deadpan] This is me. Excited.

Det. Privera: [Greets Logan] Logan. What, you're covering a road kill? You piss off your new Captain already?
Logan: Working on it. Privera, this is Wheeler. My new, uh, driver.

[Inspecting a motorcycle rider impaled on an iron fence]
Logan: Wow. Looks like his donorcycle skidded out at the wrong time, wrong place, huh?

Wheeler: Death by lubricant. Think there's a message in that?

Ross: How you two making out?
Logan: We're fine. Never had a partner with freckles before.
Ross: 3 years undercover vice, drugs, white collar. No one ever made her.
Logan: I can believe that. She get carded at bars?
Ross: I'll tell you the same thing I told her. Don't jump to conclusions about your new partner. And hey, if it doesn't work out, I can always get you Barek back.
[Logan grimaces.]

[Wheeler discovers a spy camera hidden in the belly of a Buddha statue.]
Logan: Found yourself a Buddhacam.

[Talking to the 16 year old son of the dead victim.]
Logan: As long as you're here, maybe you can help us out. We're looking for some of your dad's ... we're looking for, ah... Wheeler?
Wheeler: Do you know where you dad kept his homemade porn tapes?

[Logan is reviewing homemade porn while other male detectives are gathered at the door.]
Ross: So your partner drew the short stick.
Wheeler: He's scanned over ten hours of that stuff. Something tells me it loses its charm after the s--
Ross: Wheeler, it never loses its charm.

Kent: You know what Mr. Carver's nickname for Major Case was? Major Hunch.

Logan: He thinks he's in love. Can't say as I blame him.
Ross: Let me guess. You don't have kids. I have two boys, 14 and 10. If a teacher ever laid a hand on either one of them, I don't care if that teacher's male or female, I'd break 'em in two.
Logan: Sure, as a parent you would, but how about when you were 16?

Logan: O Canada, where the age of consent is 14.
Wheeler: And you know this because...?
Logan: I'm kind of a Canada buff.

Siren Call [6.3] [G/E][edit]


Ross: A man marries a model, he's not looking for a soul mate.

Maltese Cross [6.4] [L/W][edit]

Charlie: Screw you.
Logan: I don't know about you, but I don't go that way.
[Charlie punches Logan and a brawl commences.]

[In the hospital, afterwards]
Logan: Hand me my pants, will you?
Wheeler: Logan, I'm really sorry that--
Logan: Wheeler, two things that I don't need right now. Another fight, or an apology.

[Large conference room at One Police Plaza. The camera pans over two file folders, one with Logan's picture pinned to it, one with Wheeler's picture. Logan's file is very very thick. Wheeler's is almost empty. Wheeler is pacing restlessly. Logan is relaxed.]
Logan: Never go on before the commissioner? It's kind of like a departmental hearing, with a few more ribbons.
[Wheeler exhales and pokes at the table. Logan looks at her.]
Logan: Wheeler. Don't tell me you've never had a departmental hearing.
[Wheeler smiles weakly at Logan. The door opens.]

[Logan looks up and finds a suspect perched in a tree.]
Logan: Don't make me climb that tree.

Wheeler: If he was seeing someone, the nearest donut theory says she lived near the firehouse.
Logan: The what?
Wheeler: Men are lazy. Even if there's a good meal across town, they'll usually just reach for the nearest donut.

Ross: "Gay rage." Old-school police term. We don't use it and I don't want to hear it from either of you, but back in the day, that's what everyone called it. "The strength of a man with the hysteria of a woman."
[Logan grins. Ross almost does. Wheeler looks at them.]
Ross: Apologies.

Wheeler: [Reads off the computer] Murdered '94, case cleared two years ago.
Logan: They get a verdict?
Wheeler: No, it's an exceptional clearance. Convict pled out, died last year.
[Ross and Logan look at each other. Wheeler looks between them.]
Wheeler: What?

Ross: Logan, why don't you be his ... old-school buddy.
Logan: Oh yeah, I'm all over this.
Ross: And Wheeler, play young.

Masquerade [6.6] [G/E][edit]

Country Crossover [6.7] [L/W][edit]

Logan: Looks like they took stuff off the wall just to smash it. 'Give me all your money or I'll bust up your Grammy.'
Wheeler: You'd think they'd take the $4000 microphone.
[Logan looks at her.]
Wheeler: I dated a recording engineer.
Logan: At least he wasn't a drummer.

Logan: Oh, look. Cocaine. In a recording studio. I'm shocked. Shocked.

Logan: You telling me someone killed him with two punches?
Rodgers: Exsanguination.
Logan: I love it when you talk Latin, Rodgers.

Wheeler: You're a glass half empty kind of guy, aren't you?
Logan: Depends what's in it, Wheeler.

Flaherty: Logan. How come I never see you with the same partner twice?
Logan: Flaherty and I go way back. To one of the first murders in one of his many bars. Been so many, he probably can't keep track.
Flaherty: We're unlucky.
Logan: Kennedys are unlucky.
Flaherty: He tell you about the cop he shot?

[Discussing a bouncer named Goro.]
Wheeler: He didn't make an explicit threat we can hold him on.
Logan: You heard him, Wheeler. 'Curtis's death shall be avenged.' You don't call that a threat?
Ross: Could be, or could be the plot of one of the Mortal Kombat video games he got his name from.

Ross: Detective, what do you want me to do? Have the DA hold him on suspicion of being a large, scary black man?

Wheeler: You think all white guys who chew tobacco are buddies?
Logan: In Chelsea? Yeah.

[Discussing a victim whose illness contributed to his death, and whether his mistress knew his weakness.]
Kent: What did the ME say?
Wheeler: Any blow to the spleen would do it.
Kant: He was that sick? And she didn't know about it?
Logan: She knew it. Curtis told her. Guys use whatever they have to get over. They have a tragic story, a sickness -- even if they have a dead cat, they'll work it into their rap.
Wheeler: Heartwarming.
[Logan shrugs.]

The War at Home [6.8] [G/E][edit]

[Major Case is brought in when the daughter of the first deputy commissioner of the NYPD goes missing, while the Thanksgiving holiday and a family crisis plays havoc with the detectives.]


Ross: [Giving a toast at a family dinner] I know some of you have two Thanksgiving dinners today, so I want to thank everyone for being here. My children, the mother of my children... [Glances sourly at ex-wife's boyfriend] ...Todd.

[Mrs. Goren is being wheeled on a gurney down a hospital hallway while Goren attempts to talk about the case on his cell.]
Mrs. Goren: Bobby, Bobby, Bobby. I don't trust these people.
Goren: No, no, look. You've got the head radiation technician coming in to-- she'll give you the test you need--
Mrs. Goren: [interrupting] Oh, please. Head technician? Do you really think they're going to bring in the head person? On, on, on Thanksgiving Day? No. No no. They'd never. They'll get some lackey they can push around.

Goren: So. Ashton. The women soldiers in Iraq. Treated as equals?
Ashton: Truth is, sir, in Iraq the guys put the female soldiers into two categories. Sluts if they slept around, and bitches if they didn't.
Goren: Amanda. Which category did you put her in?
Ashton: I say this with respect, sir. Amanda was a bitch.

Deputy Commissioner: [To Ross, regarding Goren] This is your top man?

Carlo: Back home in our civvies? I wouldn't tolerate an affair. But when Amanda's in uniform, she's a soldier first.
Eames: And soldiers have sex with each other.
Carlo: It has nothing to do with the real world.

Eames: Elaine said Carlo was old world, but he's ahead of my time.
Ross: He gets the culture Amanda's part of. Would she leave a guy like that at the altar?
Eames: My husband Joe, he was a cop. He gave me a taser gun once for our anniversary. Sometimes you want to be more than your job.
Ross: I take it Joe is an ex.
Eames: He died. Eight years ago.
Ross: Sorry.

Commissioner: What do you know about my daughter? What about what kind of father I am?
Goren: As little as you know about who I am.

[After Goren has a public tantrum in the squad room.]
Eames: What the hell was that, Bobby? You want to throw it all away? Just-- I know--
Goren: Back off.
[Goren steps into the elevator and leaves.]

[Goren trails Eames out of the Captain's office.]
Goren: It's hard to get a confession if he's capable of guilt. Maybe we should tell him he has nothing to feel guilty about?
Eames: [coldly] You do that. [She leaves him standing by his desk.]

Ross: [As Goren leaves the interview room] Good job, detectives. You can give me your paperwork--
Goren: [leaving] You can save it, alright? I'm leaving. You want to fire me, fire me. [He tosses his notebook on his desk on the way out the door.] I don't care.

Weeping Willow [6.10] [L/W][edit]

Ross: It's cyber-Rashomon. Reggie says Holden shot Todd, Holden says Reggie did it and Willow doesn't even believe anyone's dead.

Logan: Please don't tell anyone about this for now.
Professor: Don't worry. He doesn't deserve the publicity.

Albatross [6.13] [G/E][edit]

[A sniper shoots a judge during a historical reenactment of the Hamilton/Burr duel in front of Captain Ross, leading Goren and Eames to investigate one of her personal heroes.]

Mr. Pagolis: It's history, right? Can't fake it.

Eames: Woman politician taking the fall for her corrupt husband. You never see it going the other way.

Goren: Like my mother would say, if she stays in it, she's getting something out of it.

Mrs. Pagolis: He told us you were stalking him.
Goren: We're detectives. We don't stalk.

Journalist: NYPD, wake up. If this man isn't guilty, then Macy's doesn't sell pantyhose.

[Goren goes through the reading material of a man they've just found dead.]
Goren: He likes mysteries.
Eames: Now he gets to be in one.

Mr. Pagolis: If I'm the perp, I want the perp walk.

Mr. Pagolis: Killing is not my thing.
Eames: What is your thing, Mr. Pagolis?
Mr. Pagolis: French food, Nordic women, German cars...

[At a bar, talking about their partnership.]
Goren: Are we good?
Eames: I hope so.

Brother's Keeper [6.15] [G/E][edit]

[Goren and Eames investigate the death of a televangelist's wife. Meanwhile, Goren's long-lost brother reappears.]

[In Mrs. Goren's hospital room, watching the news broadcast of the televangelist's wife's death.]
Mrs. Goren: You know, he wants a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. Sure like to see what goes on in that bedroom. Why're you defending him?
Goren: I'm not defending him.
Mrs. Goren: They're charlatans, these people. He's supposed to be a believer. In which case he's supposed to believe that God had a reason for her death, right? So why's he crying?

Mrs. Goren: [To Goren] If your brother were here, I wouldn't have gone through all of this. He would've taken care of me.

Eames: I checked her PDA. Found his cell number. When you call it, Diego directs you to a web site because, as he says, "seeing is believing."
[She clicks on a web site. Goren and Ross peer over her shoulder at a web site featuring half-naked photos of a man.]
Ross: You're kidding. "Rent this hunk. Diego. By the hour or by the night. Muscular, tanned, relentless--"
Goren: [watching Ross with interest] We can all read, Captain.

Lawyer: Mr. Diego's web site is purely in the realm of personal fantasy. No services are exchanged for--
Goren: My partner was in vice for five years.
Eames: Chelsea for two of those years. You're not my first rent boy, Diego.

Diego: But he likes crystal meth, especially booty bumps.
Eames: Booty bumps.
Diego: That's when y--
Eames: [hastily] I know what they are.

Eames: I miss Vice. People doing stuff for money-- guys like this, I get them.

Reverend: [glances away from pouring water] The guest list? [His glass overflows.]
Goren: Reverend, your cup runneth over.

[Confronting the Reverend with a photograph of his secret gay lover, and after the Reverend has denied knowledge of him.]
Reverend: Did you say his name?
Goren: Diego. We have other photos.
Reverend: You know, there is a Diego that's a professional massage therapist, but, uh, it's so dark in those rooms that I can't--
Goren: [impatiently] Do you have a massage therapist? Is he your massage therapist?
Reverend: I ... can't say for sure. I'm, uh, really sorry, detective, that I can't be more helpful, but, uh--
Eames: Actually, it's always helpful when we know someone is lying to us. There seem to be phone calls from your cell to his.
Reverend: [looking at picture again] Actually, this-- you know what? This is Diego. Yeah. Hah. Funny. Uh, the back pain I get is so crippling that I can't even think. I just lay there and I close my eyes--
Goren: [looking bored] --and wait for that booty bump....

[Eames leaves Goren and the Reverend and enters the secretary's office.]
Secretary: How is he?
Eames: He seems almost ... stricken.

Reverend: Well, of course I have enemies.
Goren: What kind of enemies?
Reverend: Demons.
Goren: Your demons. Are they inside? Or are they outside?

Frank: [gesturing to Eames, in the SUV] That woman. Is that your wife?
Goren: [shaking his head] That's-- that's my partner.
Frank: So what're you waiting for?
Goren: Not that kind of partner.

Dr. Corliss: Must be frustrating, to try to conduct an investigation within a group that's entirely invested in irrationality.
Goren: Oh, well. Homicides are often irrational as well.

[Goren and Eames search through the Reverend's bookshelves and drawers.]
Goren: [pulling books off the shelf] G.K. Chesterton. C.S. Lewis....
Eames: ...and Ripped Boys magazine. Which one of these things is not like the others?

Renewal [6.22] [L/W][edit]

[Logan and Wheeler investigate the murder of a police recruit whose decomposed body is found in the trunk of a car. Logan befriends and dates his attractive neighbor, but after she stands him up on the second date, she turns up dead, leading Logan to be distracted from the first murder.]
Ross: How well did you know her?
Logan: We took a ride in an old convertible once.

Season 7[edit]

Seeds [7.02] [L/F][edit]

[The murder of an obstetrician leaves Logan and his new partner Nola Falacci sorting out complex family dynamics, a doctor with a god complex, and so much spread around DNA that finding the real killer will be a miracle of genetics.]


Logan: I know it's your day off, but it is what it is.
Falacci: Trust me, I'll take a crime scene over playing a clown at the neighbor's kid's birthday party any day.

Ross: How're things working out with you two?
Logan: Workin'.
Ross: Falacci's not really a… people person.
Logan: Yeah. But she's a closer. Besides, I wanna take a shot at being the diplomat for once.

Falacci: Did he say that I'm not a people person?
Logan: I'd let it go.

Smile [7.03] [G/E][edit]

[Goren and Eames's investagation of the murder of a dentist and his patients leads them to a company caught in a criminal conspriacy about containmated mouthwash.]


[Seeing Leslie LeZard being carry away in handcuffs.]
Goren: You worry about what she said, that your career is tainted by me?
Eames: I used to.
Goren: And now?
Eames: It's too late.

Lonelyville [7.04] [L/F][edit]

[When a dead woman is found tied up in a motel room, Logan and Falacci follow the leads to a lonely writer.]


Danny Ross: [About the suspect.] A blackmailing con artist, and possible murderer. A new low, even for a lawyer.

Nola Falacci: The hotel clerk doesn't remember who signed the register, but she took one look at Gerry's photo and said she's positive it wasn't him.
Ross: Because of his weight or his race?
Falacci: Both. Their clientele is all, [in a breathy voice] "Anorexic models and Eurotrash named 'Serge.'"

Mike Logan: [Looking at the elaborately bound victim.] Wow. Somebody spent a lot of time tying her up before they strangled her.
Falacci: Didn't just tie her up – Kinbaku. Erotic Japanese bondage with natural jute rope.
Logan: Whatever you say, Falacci.

Courtship [7.06] [L/F][edit]

[A private investigator is at the heart of the murder of a judge's wife.]


Nola Falacci: [when she enters the room where Judge Burns sitting on his chair] Hey!!!! What's he doing in here?
Detective Campesi: The Judge wanted.....[Falacci interrupts]
Nola Falacci: [about Judge Burns] He wants you to hose down the crime scene? Get him out of here, he's a suspect! [Detective Campesi looks at Mike Logan] Don't look at my partner – he's got my back, not yours.
Mike Logan: It's all right, Campesi, go on, get him out of here. [to Falacci] Take a cigarette break, would you, Falacci? The last thing you wanna do is to piss off a Supreme Court judge.

Captain Danny Ross: (about removing the judge from the crime scene) You made the right call, detective, but this isn't Brooklyn North, this is major case. You're dealing with a higher class of criminal.
Nola Falacci: What are you saying, I should give him the run of the place?
Ross: (long pause) There's a protocol.....
Falacci: When you secure a crime scene, really?
Ross: There's also a protocol with me, detective!

Falacci: I don't need anybody telling me..... [Logan chuckles] What?
Logan: I'm just not use to being the voice of reason.

Offense [7.08] [L/F][edit]

[A rape trial goes wrong when a witness is killed, but the likely suspects – the football team members accused of the rape – turn out not so likely, and attention turns towards an attorney.]


Logan: Look, there's more to life than just one case. Higher ups have an agenda. You want 30 years in? Deal with it.
Falacci: Hey! People told me you were a hothead; guys like Hoyle you'd eat for breakfast. What happened?
Logan: (pulling newspaper clipping from his wallet to show Falacci. "Cop Pops Pol" article from Logan punching out the homophobic city councilman in 1995 from the original Law & Order) After ten years on Staten Island, you learn to pick your battles.

Logan: You don't drag a senior ADA into the station house.
Falacci: You do if he's stonewalling!
Ross: Which is what happens when people throw stones.

Falacci: (examining Traci Kwon's body at the crime scene) She still has her jewelry.
Logan: But no purse (looks up the stairs) and the apartment was ransacked. Kind of a mixed message, huh?

Senseless [7.10] [L/F][edit]

[Logan and temporary partner Nola Falacci investigate the tragic and apparently random shooting of three teenagers.]


[In the last lines, Logan remarks to Falacci about consoling the parents of the third teen, who died in hospital.]
Logan: 'I'm sorry for your loss.' I can't think how many times I've had to say that. Normally it's just... automatic. [pauses] But there are some times...

Last Rites [7.21] [L/W][edit]

Father Shea: Take care of yourself, detective, and may God watch over you.
Logan: [Chris Noth's last line on the series] That ought to keep Him busy.

Frame [7.22][edit]

Capt. Ross: Nicole Wallace. I'm told she's your white whale.

[Gage has murdered Nicole Wallace]
Gage: You should've seen her when she realized her time was up. She looked at me with those big doe eyes of hers and she said, "You tell Bobby that he's the only man I ever loved." As if a monster like that were capable of love!

Gage: Frank, Nicole, me... we're dead weight. I wanted you to have a clean slate. You're free now. Bobby... You're free...

Season 9[edit]

Love on Ice [9.08] [N/S][edit]

Nichols: Manhattan has the Empire State Building, the Bronx has Yankee Stadium, Brooklyn, the Bridge, Queens has the U.S. Open, and Staten Island has a gigantic landfill. Can't you smell it yet?

Principal Cast[edit]