Leverage

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Leverage (2008-present) is an American TV series created by John Rogers and Chris Downey. It follows a group of thieves who steal mainly from corrupt corporations to return money to their victims.

Contents

[edit] Season 1

[edit] The Nigerian Job [1.1]

Nate: You know that part of the conversation where I punch you in the neck nine or ten times? We're comin' up on that part pretty quick.
Eliot: I'm going to beat Dubenich so bad even the people that look like him are going to bleed.
Parker: You won't get within a hundred yards. He knows your face. He knows all our faces.
Eliot: He tried to kill us.
Parker: More importantly he didn't pay us.
Eliot: How is that more important?!
Parker: I take that personally.
Eliot: There's somethin' wrong with you.
. . .
[after the con]
Parker: What is it with women and shoes?
Sophie Devereaux: There's something wrong with you.
Eliot: That's what I said!
Victor Dubenich: Do you know anything about airplane design?
Nate: Yeah, I could give it a shot. You know, you get me a pencil and one of those little rulers.
Hardison: Going to plan B?
Nate: Technically, that would be plan G.
Hardison: How many plans do we have? Is there, like, a plan M?
Nate: Yeah. Hardison dies in plan M.
Eliot: I like plan M.
Eliot: What's in it for me?
Nate: Payback. And if it goes right, a lot of money.
Parker:And what's in it for me?
Nate: A lot of money. And if it goes right, payback.
Eliot: I like to stay big. I like dressing up like a Klingon and going to all the conventions. Q'apla!
Receptionist: Q'apla!
Eliot: Don't you tease me.
Hardison: (over the coms) That is not cool, man. We gonna have a strong talk when you get back.
[last lines; the team is interviewing two grieving parents who want revenge on the company that killed their daughter]
Nate: People like that…corporations like that, they have all the money, they have all the power, and they use it to make people like you go away. Right now, you're suffering under an enormous weight. We provide…Leverage.

[edit] The Homecoming Job [1.2]

[Sophie is at a Congressman's party, pretending to be a lobbyist for a defense contractor.]
Sophie: My company's focused on meeting Senators, but I'm thinking Congressmen.
Charles Dufort: You know the great thing about Congressmen? Fifty, a hundred grand well spent will get one elected. But once they're in, the incumbency rate is over ninety-five percent! So you can get on average eighteen, twenty years use out of one of them. In these uncertain times, buying a United States Congressman is one of the best investments a corporation can make.
Hardison: [listening in on comms] Oh, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. I'm a professional criminal and I find that disturbing.
Eliot: It'll never hold up in court.
Nate: Ah, but that's where Corporal Perry is lucky. He doesn't have lawyers. He has thieves.
Parker: You ID'd the weapon from the gunshot sound?
Eliot: It's a very distinctive sound.
[Later]:
Eliot: The tall one? The way he used a knife? Ex Marine. Probably Force Recon.
Hardison: You ID'd a guy off his knife fighting style?
Eliot: It's a very distinctive style.
[A violent turn on their latest job worries Hardison, Sophie, and Parker.]
Hardison: I didn't sign up for any of this. What I did before, nobody got hurt.
Sophie: I stole paintings for a living.
Parker: I never hurt anybody.
[Pause]
Eliot: I actually hurt people, so…
Sophie: When men are telling the truth they're not looking me in the eye. A man only ever looks a woman in the eye when he's making the effort to lie to her.
Eliot: Well, you can't argue with that.
Hardison: Noted and filed.

[edit] The Two-Horse Job [1.3]

James Sterling: Nathan Ford is a common criminal.
Nate: Common. That’s just hurtful.
[Regarding Sterling]
Parker: He's like Nate. Evil Nate!
Sterling: We're insurance men, Nate. We don't care about who's guilty or who's innocent, just who pays.
Parker: I once saw a horse kill a clown.
[Later]:
Parker: Horses are much less murderous than I originally thought.
Parker: [Crawling through an air duct] Looks like Parker's gonna have to crawl through the air duct again. God forbid anyone else would have to learn how to frickin' crawl on their stomach through a tiny space. It's not rocket science, people.
Eliot: [on comms, from the truck] Parker, you realize that we can still hear you?
[Parker sighs exasperatedly]:
Aimee: I'm just glad you found yourself a family.
Eliot: Who? Those guys?
Aimee: I'm just sad it couldn't be me.

[edit] The Miracle Job [1.4]

Eliot: I gotta be honest with you. We're gonna need a miracle to save this church.
Nate: So let's go steal ourselves a miracle.
Eliot: Hey. Sophie’s here. Man, what do I tell her?
Hardison: Anything but the truth.
Sophie: Hey.
Eliot: Hey!
Sophie: Thank you so much for coming to my play last night.
Eliot: Oh… [looks at the floor]
Parker: Last night was awesome.
Sophie: Thanks, Parker
Parker: Yeah, it was like a horror movie. [in a weird voice] "Attention must be paid!"
Sophie: Oh.
Hardison: Yeah, I mean, you're not the first person I would think of to play Willy Loman, but you-you worked it out.
Hardison: I'm gonna stand over here, so when the good lord throws down on y'all, I don't get hit by the lightning.
Hardison: Behold, I have made the statues multiply.
Nate: That looks good. Looks nice. (He touches one, and it wobbles) Polystyrene?
Hardison: Amongst other things. Just don't eat it. Or breathe near it.
Hardison: As long as I don't have to do anything immoral.
Nate: No, absolutely not. I just need you to figure out how to…fake a miracle.
[Eliot laughs]
Hardison: We all goin' to Hell.
Nate: I said bleeding tears, not bleeding ears!
Hardison: Look, look man, you’re lucky on this deadline, I didn’t give you a baking soda volcano.
[Eliot is holding onto the gun in the gang leader's pants while another member of the gang points a gun at his head]
Eliot: You see this, Hardison?
Hardison: The situation has my attention, yes.
Eliot: You see, this is why I don't like guns. They have a sufficient range of efficacy. You get in to close... [he beats up the gang member]
Gang Leader: We didn't beat up no priest. We're not monsters.
[later]
Gang Leader: You beat up a priest? [pointing gun at injured gang member] You have a long penance ahead of you. Start by answering the man's question.
Eliot: [handing Hardison a phone number] Can you do something with that?
Hardison: Seven digits. I can find you on Mars.
Hardison: [jumping up and down] How 'bout that man? You see me?
Eliot: He was injured.
Hardison: Well, someone's gotta fight the injured. Shoot that's my niche.
[last line of the episode, on why they took the job to protect St. Nicholas Church]
Sophie: Saint Nicholas? He's the patron saint of thieves.

[edit] The Bank Shot Job [1.5]

Derrick Clark: Things that sound easy hardly ever are.
Judge: The truth? The truth is what I say it is.
Derrick Clark: How can I trust you? I don't know who you are!
Sophie: I'm a thief.
Derrick Clark: Okay… I don't know what to do with that.
Parker: Sometimes bad guys are the only good guys you get.
Sheriff Bill Hastings: We're just going by the book.
Hardison: The book? The book got a good man killed. I can't… my blood pressure…
Parker: Ex-partner. I wouldn't mention the book again. Or propellers.
Eliot: Hey. What smells like crank and screams like a girl?
[kicks a meth dealer in the knee, prompting the scream]
Eliot: Heh. Right answer.

[edit] The Stork Job [1.6]

Nate: More, more, more, more! Blood, blood, blood, blood! That's what audiences want!
Irina: To see me die?
Nate: Like you wouldn't believe. [laughs insanely]
Nicolas: So where are you from?
Parker: Where am I from? Oh, where am I from!
Nate: [Through the earpiece] You're from, uh…Pittsburg, Detroit, Atlanta…
Parker: I'm from Pittsburgh, Detroit, Atlanta.
Nate: I meant, pick one!
Sophie: This, this, this is my world! You need, you need someone to, I dunno, crawl through an air duct, you call Parker. Bash a head in? Eliot. Internet porn? Hardison! You need someone to take over a movie, then…
Nate: I ask an actor. Right. Um. Sophie. About the acting…
Sophie: Oh, yeah? What? What is it?
Nate: [looks around uncomfortably] You're right. You're right. You, you know, we're gonna go with your scene.
Eliot: [about Sophie] But she can't act!
Nate: Oh, she can act. When it's an act.
Nate: You manipulated me?
Sophie: Oh come on, Nate...all relationships are about manipulation!
Hardison: Really? Guys! Seriously? Now, if you're done with your little delightful banter, I actually have some useful information.
Hardison: I know growing up was tough, I-I know that you grew up in the system and that it was, it was bad, I know it-it was worse than bad, but that doesn't mean that all foster parents are monsters. Mine wasn't.
Parker: You grew up with your grandmother.
Hardison: We called her Nana, but she was our foster mom. She, uh, she would cuss like a sailor an' old girl would tan your ass just as soon as look at you, but, but she fed us, she bathed us, she put a roof over our heads, and, oh, she would raise hell if you so much as looked at us crooked.
Parker: Yeah? Well, you were lucky. No. We put these kids in the system and odds are, they're gonna…they're gonna… [tearing up] they're gonna turn out like me.
Hardison: [gently] I like how you turned out.
Sophie: So, how'd you know Irina would go for the movie thing?
Nate: A European grifter who wants to be an actress? Lucky guess.
Nate: Where's Parker?
Eliot: [walking into the office] How the hell should I know?
Hardison: Can't reach her on the comms. She slipped the security grid at the embassy.
Sophie: Where could she be?
Hardison: This is Parker we're talking about. She could be halfway across Europe by now. Trust me, she is gone.
Parker: [popping up to the left of Nate] Who's gone? [everybody turns to her in surprise] What?

[edit] The Wedding Job [1.7]

[Nate walks in on the aftermath of a fight]
Nate: Did you just kill a guy with an appetizer?
Eliot: I dunno. Maybe.
Sophie: Whatever happened to 'a wedding is just a big con'? [Walks away]
Nate: I didn't say that was a bad thing!
Eliot: I'm not going to have to type anything, right?
[Eliot has been sent in to the local FBI offices steal data, only to find it's all on cassette tapes.]
Eliot: Hardison, how am I supposed to get out of the FBI offices with a box full of surveillance tapes, huh?
Hardison: [Over comms] Punch somebody!
Eliot: [Threateningly] Oh, I am going to punch somebody.
[Eliot is demonstrating his culinary skills to a surprised Nate]
Eliot: I’m cutting onions. De-veining shrimp. Pan searing some scallops. I got 200 people I need to feed, all right? Back off!
Nate: Okay, okay.
Eliot: [grinning] What, you think the only thing I know how to do is bust heads?
Nate: No, well, yeah.
Eliot: Look. Hold a knife like this, [holds a chef's knife normally] cuts through an onion. [switches to a backhand grip] Hold a knife like this…cuts through, like, eight yakuza in four seconds. Screams, carnage. People are like knives. Everything's in context.
Nate: Sophie, where are we at?
Sophie: Huh? I don’t know, Nate. I think you need to ask yourself that question. You called me, remember? And now we’re working together every day. I don’t know what you want. And to ask me that dressed like a Vicar. You’re a very strange man.
Nate: No, no, no. I mean, where are we at with finding the money?

[edit] The Mile High Job [1.8]

[Parker was trapped in an office, hiding from someone, and appeared in the hallway less than a minute later, completely calm.]
Parker: So what are we waiting for?
Eliot: How does she do that?
Nate: I don't even ask anymore.
[Distracting the security guards as they run away[
Nate: Oh, it's right behind us! It's right behind us!
Parker: Aaaaah! It's furry! It's big! It's chasing us! Get down. Aaah!
[They run, while the guards pull out their guns and run in circles, confused.]
[Parker is posing as a flight attendant after stealing a bag from the original woman assigned to the flight.]
Sophie: [To Nate and Eliot] How did you both know there'd be an extra uniform in the bag?
Nate: Everyone knows flight attendants are required to carry extra uniforms in case they get called to work unexpectadly.
Eliot: Or if something happens to the one they're already wearing.
Sophie: How does everyone know that?
[In unison]
Nate: Worked airport security.
Eliot: Slept with a flight attendant.
Parker: [as a flight attendant, speaking before takeoff] In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device. But let’s face it, if this thing goes down in the water, more than likely, the impact will kill you.
[People give each other uncertain looks while Eliot rubs his face]
Parker: Please take a moment to locate the nearest emergency exit. Because if this plane's on fire, you're gonna wanna get out quick. Jet fuel burns at over a thousand degrees! That's hot, folks.
[People murmur, looking even more concerned and confused]
Nate: Okay, so our wedding date would be when we met, so that makes us married for…
[In unison]
Sophie: Ten years.
Nate: Eight years.
Sophie: You don't remember when we met?
Nate: Of course I do. I was just rounding.
Sophie: By subtracting two years?
[In Nathan Ford's Office]
Hardison: Let's see what we can learn about Nathan Ford today. Online poker? Online chess? Sudoku. Crossword. Damn, somebody needs to get laid.
Nathan: Hardison, you're not in my office are you?
Hardison: Uhh...No, Naw I'm just minding my own thing.
[After the discussion]
Hardison: Okay got it.
Nathan: And Hardison.
Hardison: Yeah?
Nathan: Don't forget to turn off my computer.
Hardison: [dumbstruck] Well how in the he...
Girl: Can I have another ginger ale?
Parker: You've had two already.
Girl: Yeah, I know - It's like a placebo effect. It's not really working, but it makes you feel better anyway.
Parker: Yeah? So, when's that supposed to kick in?
Hardison: Yeah, they transferred me from the second floor:
Cheryl: Well, I don’t know what it was like in consumer integrations, but let me tell you I have been working my butt off on this account. But Steve, no, he's just sitting back, waiting for me to fail. So he can swoop in and save the day. I swear, it's like he's a rogue and I’m a mage and we're part of the same guild, but secretly, he's at work with the alliance to undermine us.
Hardison: For the horde.
Cheryl: For the horde. [fist bump] You play 'World of Warcraft?'
Hardison: You kidding? Did you get the new expansion pack? Woman, I was up all night. Now, look, I mean “Burning Crusade" was great, but this new one is mind-blowing.
Nate: Hardison… you bailed on the job because you were up all night playing a game?

[edit] The Snow Job [1.9]

Nate: Let's go steal us a mountain.
Sophie: So you can write that little check now?
Hardison: [In the bar, over the comms] Man, why can't they all be this easy?
Randy: Oh, of course not. We have to go to Miami. My dad's the one who can write the check.
Hardison: Man, why they all gotta be this hard?
[Parker is pretending to have fallen off a ski lift, but then just dangles there.]
Nate: [Over the comms] Parker? Parker? Parker, what are you doing?
Parker: Oh, yeah. [Unenthusiastically] Help. Help. Help. [To the other man in the lift] How you doing?
Nate: Okay, cheap tie, bad aftershave. Now why would the state police be interested in my business?
Nate: Can we give her [Parker] a fake tumor?
Hardison: Oh, we could inject her brain with some contrast dye and have it pool into her cranial cavity but there might be some side effects.
Parker: Like what?
Hardison: Organ failure, death, deathlike symptoms.
Parker: I vote for plan B.
...
Nate: Somebody find me a brain.
Parker: Oh yeah, he is definitely getting creepier.
[Sophie is preparing Parker for the role of a dying woman]
Sophie: Think of a really sad thing that's happened in your life like, I dunno, when your father died.
[Parker bursts out laughing]

[edit] The 12-Step Job [1.10]

Hardison: Yes, there are a lot of wires! It's a com-pu-ter!
Eliot: Have you ever noticed how all bad guys know at least one stripper?
Hardison: Yeah? Well, you know at least a hundred, what does that say about you?
Eliot: Hey. I'm a bad guy.
Hardison: Don't get mad, but…I may have spilled slushie in your car.
Eliot: That's like forty-four ounces, Hardison!
Hardison: It's not that much…
Eliot: The lid is floating in the damn floorboard, man!
Hardison: Wow. You are…
Eliot: It's running into the backseat!
Hardison: Very dramatic.
Eliot: When we get back to the office, you're cleaning this up.
Hardison: Seriously?
[Spots Jack leaving the bar]
Eliot: You're cleaning this up!
Hardison: That's our guy.
Eliot: Don't try to change the subject!
[while in rehab, a detoxing Nate hallucinates a visit from Sterling]
Sterling: You know how to get rid of me. But that would violate all twelve steps, wouldn't it?
[Hardison is stuck near a bomb that is about to explode.]
Hardison: Okay, it's a computer bomb, I know computers. It's a computer bomb, uhh… we, we gotta reboot the system!
Eliot: You want me to kick it?
Hardison: God, I'm goin' to die.
Hardison: [After a narrow escape from a bomb] I'ma go and... freshen up a bit. Maybe cry a little.
[Hardison gets a gun from gang members during a fight and shoots their car before he and Eliot run away.]
Eliot: Nice job, blowing out the engine block.
Hardison: I was aiming for his leg.
[Beat]
Eliot: Gimme the gun, Hardison!

[edit] The Juror No. 6 Job [1.11]

Hardison: [about Parker] Rappelling off a building, she's okay with. But small talk, conversation? Scares her to death. It's not her thing.
Parker: Alice made a friend!
Eliot: I'm gonna tell you this one more time. You made a friend. Not "Alice."
Parker: Oh. Cool! Do you think she'll want to go steal a painting with me?
Sophie: Start small, Parker. Try coffee.
Sophie: You know the deliveryman with the five children?
Parker: Gay?
Sophie: Bulimic. But Trevor, the frat boy... yeah. Super gay.
Parker: What about Peggy?
Sophie: Well, yes. She is disgustingly normal. But the point is, everyone has their own Alice White. You've just given yours a name.
Peggy: I'm starving.
Parker: Yeah, I could kill for a steak right now.
Peggy: I thought you were vegetarian.
Parker: I am. I meant... a bean steak. A steak... made of beans. Held together with soy glue.

[edit] The First David Job [1.12]

Sophie: We're all addicts, Nate! We're all addicted to our pasts.
Nate: I’m sorry, are we still unclear? I’m a functioning alcoholic. Trick is to not get hung up on the “alcoholic,” really celebrate the “functioning” part of the sentence.
Parker: [Excitedly] WE JUST STOLE AN EIGHT MILLION DOLLAR STATUE! On, like, our day off!
Jim Sterling: [To Nate, over Parker's comm] Let's see how many birds we have in the hand. You know this is Parker's. Alec Hardison?
Soldier: [Over Hardison's comm] Accounted for, sir. And we've got the money, too.
Sterling: Marvelous. Eliot Spencer?
Eliot: [Over the comm] Hey, Sterling. I've got some dental work with your name on it. What say we hook up so I can give it to you?
[Nate is pointing a gun at Blackpoole]
Blackpoole: Are you here to kill me, Nate?
Nate: Not tonight.
Blackpoole: Well, in that case, come in. There's shrimp. [walks away]
Nate: I do love shrimp. [tosses gun away]
[Sophie is explaining the history of Michelangelo's David]
Nate: I know all this.
Hardison: No. No, no. See, while you are well versed in dead guy art, I myself am not. My entire criminal career is based on technology built after 1981 so I am riveted. Quite so. Please continue.
[Parker and Hardison are in the van when Nate gets into the vault where the Davids are stored]
Parker: [in a high-pitched voice to the fake David] Look little guy! That's gonna be your new home!
Hardison: Can you please not play with the little naked man? Please?
[Later]
Parker: [clutching the fake David protectively] No, no! We can't let your ex-wife anywhere near our little naked man!
[Hardison leaves a video message on the monitors for Sterling and his goons when they break into the Leverage offices]
Hardison: Hey, Sterling! Get. Out. Of. My. House!
[the screens switch to a countdown timer for a bomb]
[Parker just beat one of the toughest security systems with tin foil, a cup of ice, and some gum]
Hardison: You didn't just think abuot this on the way in from the van.
Parker: Some people do crosswords.
[Parker and Hardison make out to explain to the security guards why the door was bumped open]
Hardison: Can we talk about what just happened?
Parker: Weird, huh?
Hardison: You could say that.
Parker: Nate's ex-wife coming out of nowhere.
Hardison: Yeah. No, no, that's not what I meant at all.
[later]
Eliot: [to Sophie] So, which one of you did she kiss? [raises eyebrows suggestively]

[edit] The Second David Job [1.13]

[Hardison is excited about the number of results a mark got when searching victims of a curse]
Hardison: Eliot, what does that say?
Eliot: It says 'dead'.
Hardison: That's right. Dead. D-E-D, dead.
Eliot and Nate: D-E-A-D!
Hardison: I know that… I know… I know how to spell 'dead,' dammit! I can steal a bank, I can spell 'dead'!
Sterling: [to Nate, after the con] Of course, you know your entire plan depended on me being a self-serving, utter bastard.
Nate: [smirks] Yeah, that's a stretch.
Maggie: You actually expect this to work?
Hardison: No, you're supposed to say 'Wow, that's just crazy enough to work!'
Sophie: Incredibly, chance does seem to bend itself to his bizarre mechinations.
Parker: [whispering to Maggie] That's his superpower. [sniffs Maggie's shoulder]
Nate: Grifter, hitter, hacker, thief. You were all trying to solve your version of the crime instead of just trying to solve the crime. There’s a reason we work together.
Maggie Collins: [Punching Blackpoole]Screw therapy! That felt really good.

[edit] Season 2

[edit] The Beantown Bailout Job [2.1]

[Parker walks out of Nate's kitchen dressed as a nun]
Eliot: She's dressed that way 'cause she's doing a con.
Nate: What, you thought she was dressed like a nun for no reason?
Eliot: It's Parker.
Nate: Ah. Fair enough.
Parker: So what are the chances that Eliot's crotch explodes?
Nate: Now if you'll excuse me, I am gonna go call a professional killer who tried to murder me and arrange to meet him in an isolated location.
[After the con takes a bad turn]
Parker: Oh! They're probably gonna shoot Nate in the the face!
Nate: Parker, you know I can still hear you.
Zoe: There are wolves in the world. That's what Dad says. 'Be careful, Zoe. There are wolves in the world.'
Nate: He's not wrong.

[edit] The Tap Out Job [2.2]

[Sophie posing as a producer meets with the guy they're trying to hook]
Rucker: What event are you here to produce?
[Sophie hesitates, Hardison hurriedly looks up local events, speaking in her earpiece]
Hardison: On it. Tractor pull in Grand Island…livestock show in Council Bluffs…white people doing other white people things…
[Nate, Sophie, and Eliot leave the meeting she had with their mark]
Nate: Trianna. Really.
Hardison: [through earpiece] Hey man, you're lucky I didn't give you a monster truck rally on an Indian reservation.
Eliot: Now what?
Nate: We have to hook this guy and convince him that Sophie is the real deal.
Eliot: How are we going to do that?
Nate: Let's go steal us a concert.
[after they've been found out by their mark]
Hardison: Look, you know what I can do? I can re-task a satellite. I can get a level-three NSA clearance. But I can't hack a hick.
Room Service Operator: Room service, can I help you?
Sophie: Yeah, no, I can't eat this. Everything on my plate is yellow.
Room Service Operator: It's a chicken-fried steak.
Sophie: It's what? Chicken fried steak?
Room Service Operator: Yes, ma'am.
Sophie: Let me just tell you. Meat should never be used as an adjective.
Sophie: I'm starving.
Parker: Ooh! Found these in the minibar.
Sophie: Pork rinds? How do you peel a pig?
Sophie: You don't have to do this, you know. Nate will figure something out.
Eliot: I'm losing a fight, Sophie, I'm not diving on a grenade. I'll be fine.
Sophie: I didn't mean physically.
Eliot: I think my ego can handle it.
Sophie: I just mean--what you said earlier, that fighting is about control, about knowing you're never going to be the victim.
Eliot: You think I'm upset because I gotta let this guy kick my ass? I learned a long time ago, you can't control the violence.

[edit] The Order 23 Job [2.3]

Parker: So what do we do now?
Nate: Well, I just sent Eddie to the hospital. So let's go steal us a hospital.
Parker: So let me get this straight. You're a doctor.
Nate: Yeah.
Parker: What if someone asks you to deliver a baby?
Nate: I'd say I'm not an obstetrician.
Parker: What, a what?
Nate: A baby doctor.
Parker: Well, what if there's a train accident and there's stretchers everywhere and someone points to you and says 'Hey you! Help me with this sucking chest wound!'
Nate: I'd stick my hand in the chest and hope for the best.
Parker: Oh, you are so not operating on me.
[as Parker and Nathan watch on a computer monitor, the team's mark develops a spontaneous nosebleed]
Parker: Did you just give a guy a nosebleed with the power of your mind?
Parker: Is it just me, or has Nate gotten even more sadistic since he stopped drinking?
Sophie: Is it just me, [grins] or does that make him even more attractive?

[edit] The Fairy Godparents Job [2.4]

Nate: Let's go steal us a school.
Nate: There are three general exceptions for house arrest: personal safety, death of a relative, and family events.
Eliot: Personal safety. We could burn the apartment down.
Parker: [excitedly] Ooh! Ooh!
Hardison: Looks like an ordinary cell phone, right? It's not, man. It's a metal detector. See, it uses pulse-induction technology that sends out a current that generates a magnetic field, and then…are you even listening?
Eliot: Yeah.
Hardison: Well, what'd I say?
Eliot: You were explaining how you're still a virgin.
Widmark Fowler: I just want someone to like me. Does that get easier when you're a grown-up?
Sophie: [long pause] No, I don't think so.
Widmark: You're nice. But weird.

[edit] The Three Days of the Hunter Job [2.5]

[Sophie has taken the lead on the job, and is explaining it to the team with her usual flair]
Sophie: …and then to protect themselves, they issue an apology to Mr. Pennington, and then they throw Monica Hunter into the jaws of the very media machine that she bent to her own malicious will.
Parker: Wow. I gotta say, Sophie's briefings are much more dramatic.
Eliot: And poetic.
Sophie: She has to have corroboration from her own sources, she has to craft the narrative. Monica Hunter has to be the author of her own personal nightmare!
[Nate looks at her in disbelief, then turns to Eliot]
Nate: Do I sound that creepy when I…
Eliot: Hell. Yes.
[Hardison is being held at an army base after their mark goes a little too far]
Hardison: [over comms] Get me out of here!
Sophie: Working on it!
Parker: On it! [gets ready to leave]
Sophie: No, no, no, no! You cannot go. You're dead. Monica Hunter sees you and the whole con is blown.
Parker: Right.
Hardison: Damn the con! I am a black man caught on an army base with a video camera! I am going to jail forever!
Hardison: [caught on army base] I don't know that white woman. I met her at a bar, she said we was going back to her place. I thought it was a gated community.

[edit] The Top Hat Job [2.6]

Eliot: [over comms] Hardison, we got a problem.
Hardison: What kind of problem?
Eliot: They're MRI-ing my pizza and their stance says ex-CIA.
Hardison: You can tell somebody worked for the CIA just from how they stand?
Eliot: It's a very distinctive stance!
[during the pre-con briefing]
Hardison: This is the vice president of the frozen foods division, Erik Casten. Erik with a K, Casten with a C.
Nate: And how is that relevant?
Parker: Oh. Eric with a C? Nice and friendly. Erik with a K? Evil.
Sophie: I didn't know that.
[Hardison shows off his hacking skills using a cell phone]
Parker: You picked his pockets without stealing anything. Cool.
Hardison: It's what I do. A man, a phone, no limits.
Eliot: A man, a phone, no action. Come on, man, you left that out there like a hanging curve ball!
[last lines: after the job, Eliot and Sophie talk about Nate]
Eliot: He's fine. We practically had to beg him to come back, all right? He's not drinking, he's at the top of his game. I gotta be honest with you, I can't even believe we pulled this one off.
Sophie: Well, that's the problem. He keeps winning. Every time he wins, he believes a little bit more that he can control…life.
Eliot: It's what gets him through the day.
Sophie: What happens when he loses? Last time he lost, it broke him. He breaks again, I don't think even we could pick up the pieces.

[edit] The Two Live Crew Job [2.7]

[the team is trying to deal with a bomb sent to Sophie]
Parker: Is that C4?
Sophie: Ohh, Parker! Please don't poke at the motion-sensitive bomb!
[after Sophie's "funeral"]
Sophie: Those were some nice things you said at my funeral.
Hardison: We trust Nate to make sure the plan works. We trust you to make sure we're all okay.
[Parker is staring intently at Sophie]
Sophie: Stop it.
Parker: It's like you're haunting us.
Sophie: Parker, I'm not really dead. [Parker reaches to check her pulse] I'm not dead!
[Hardison and Chaos jump out of their vans and stare each other down]
Hardison: Chaos. I heard you were in jail. Guess I was wrong.
Chaos: Hardison. I heard you sucked. Guess I was right.
[after their first face-to-face encounter with Marcus Starke's team]
Hardison: You were scared to fight a girl.
Eliot: She'd mop the floor with you, Hardison.
Hardison: I don't care.
Eliot: Seriously, she actually killed a guy once with a mop. Funny story, actually. She broke the mop and took…
Nate: We know their strengths, we know their weaknesses--
Hardison: No, no, no, I have noted a distinct lack of weaknesses!

[edit] The Ice Man Job [2.8]

Sophie: Go to Nate's storage cupboard. You're gonna find a sexy little minidress and my emergency Jimmy Choos.
Parker: Jimmy who? You have a body in Nate's closet?
Sophie: Shoes, Parker!
(Eliot is posing as store security, Hardison is posing as a British thief hired by Russians, who are watching them from outside)
Eliot: (as Hardison pretends to punch him to the floor) Next time, I get to be the thief.
Hardison: I'd like to see you do an accent.
Eliot: (irritated, as he takes another 'punch') I'd like to see you do an accent!
Kerrity: What part of "get the hell out of my office" don't you understand?
Nate: Mr. Kerrity, I'm in insurance. If you think I've never been threatened by a gun before, you're mistaken.

[edit] The Lost Heir Job [2.9]

Tara Carlisle: I checked you out, Mr. Ford. Half my sources say you're a vicious thief. The other half claim you're some kind of high-tech vigilante.
Nate: I like that. I should put that on my card.
Tara: Look, Blanchard's here at the same time you are. That's a coincidence.
Nate: No, no, we hacked into his online appointment schedule. I mean, yes, what a coincidence.
Hardison: You do NOT let Vicki Vale into the Batcave! Ever!

[edit] The Runway Job [2.10]

Nate: Let's go steal us a fashion show.
[Tara talks to Sophie via video conference]
Tara: Nate Ford is arrogant, he's condescending, he just doesn't listen.
Sophie: Nate's having trouble communicating? I'm shocked.
[laying out the first part of the con]
Nate: We need a Caprina. [walks away]
Tara: W-what does that…So he just says things and walks away?
Parker: Yeah, you're gonna have to get used to that.
Parker: These clothes are totally impractical, okay? There's no range of motion, limited concealment options, and this reflective material would set off a motion detector a mile away.
Eliot: It's a fashion show, not Thieves-R-Us!
[after Sophie convinces the others to give Tara a chance]
Eliot: She is hot.
Hardison: Very hot.
Parker: Hot.
[everybody looks at Parker]
Parker: Warm? Cold? Why are we staring?
Eliot: A-line drape with the empire waist is nice, but the neckline's a little weak if you ask...me... [Parker gives him a weird look] WHAT? Dated a lot of models. [Parker nods her head] Lot of private fashion shows, if you know what I mean.
Parker: [nods head] Yes, yes.
Eliot: But usually the dresses ended up on the ground.
Parker: Yup, I get it, you're a guy.
Eliot: That means they were naked.
Parker: [glares at him] Okay, seriously? [storms away]
Eliot: Yeah, just saying.
Eliot: [slapping hands together] Where am I supposed to find soy candles on such a short notice?
Parker: [punctuating each word with a point] Farmers. Market.

[edit] The Bottle Job [2.11]

Tara: What are we supposed to do, steal the wake?
Nate: Whoa, have some respect. Borrow the wake, to save the bar.
Parker: What kind of crook was your dad?
Hardison: Parker, you just…
Nate: He ran numbers.
Eliot: Let me get this straight. You stop stealing, you stop drinking, and you move upstairs from a thief bar?
Parker: He did. I get that. You don't get that? Why does nobody else get that?
[after Hardison fakes a weather report wearing some borrowed clothes]
Nate: Is that my jacket?
Hardison: You know what, man? You're lucky I'm not wearing your underwear. And the next time y'all call me, it better be for something easy. Like faking a moon landing.
Eliot: We're at the safe. Parker wants to take it out for dinner and drinks first.
Parker: [caressing the old safe] A Glenn-Reeder Prestige from the '20s…so many memories.

[edit] The Zanzibar Marketplace Job [2.12]

[Hardison suggests a vacation to Parker]
Hardison: Two weeks in Tokyo. We'd have a great time.
Parker: What are we stealing?
Hardison: We don't steal anything. We'd be tourists.
Parker: Not following you.
[later on]
Parker: So, I took your advice and did the whole touristy thing. Went to the museum, and it was amazing.
Hardison: You see?
Parker: Yeah. They have a Guardian T-840 Security System. I've only seen those in books. And the motion detectors--ooh, gorgeous! Six digital receptors. Six!
Hardison: What about the paintings?
Parker: What about the paintings?
[Sterling walks into McRory's Bar and comes up behind Eliot]
Nate: Eliot, I'm gonna ask you not to do anything violent.
Eliot: What…what are you talking about? I only use violence as an appropriate response.
Sterling: Hello, Nate.
[Eliot stands up, spins around, clocks Sterling with a right hook to the jaw, and starts kicking his ass around the bar; Hardison bribes the bartender not to call the police, and Parker grins]
Tara: And this is…?
Nate: James Sterling. We used to work together. Insurance.
Tara: He seems to rub Eliot the wrong way.
Nate: You think?
[at a party at the American embassy in Kiev]
Sterling: I pulled a lot of strings to get tickets for all of you.
Hardison: [over comms] All of you? Wait, no. Hardison, he's in the van, eating stale candy, while all of you get to dine on canapés and…and champagne. I love canapés.
Sterling: Terribly sorry about that. The company has to draw the line somewhere. I can assure you, it has nothing to do with our little incident last year.
Hardison: Oh, you mean the incident where I came within five feet of blowing your ass up? Yeah, I'm sure it has nothing to do with that at all.
[Maggie and Nate share what they think will be their last kiss…and then Parker drops into their elevator car]
Parker: 'Scuse me. I just need to get that bomb out of the way.
Maggie: You know, people underestimate you, Eliot.
Nate: That's kind of the point.
Nate: All we need is some proof.
Parker: It was an inside job. Average keypad hack time is one minute nine-point-three seconds, inner door access card takes at least thirty seconds for anybody but Hardison, and then the vault is an old Mark 2 Remington. In and out, average seven minutes forty seconds. But these thieves, they did it in five minutes twelve seconds. Maggie had the best access, so the real thieves only needed to get her code and badge...yeah, only way they could pull it off that fast.
Sterling: ...how long has she been sitting...
Parker: (to Maggie) It's your first time being a fugitive so I made you a bag.
Maggie: Thank you, Parker. (to Nate) It's not that I don't appreciate getting out of jail, I just can't live my life a fugitive!
Nate: But you're not a fugitive.
Parker: Passports, money, lockpicks...
Nate: You were released, not broken out.
Parker: Toothpaste, explosives. Do not mix these up.
Maggie: Thank you, Parker. But you released me to run. I'm not going anywhere until my name is cleared.
Nate: Right, right, and that's what I'm here to do! To get the egg back and clear your name!
Maggie: But you're clearing my name with thieves! No offense, Parker.
Parker: (confused) At what?
Tara: What we imagine is always so much better than the reality.
Eliot: Like love?

[edit] The Future Job [2.13]

Nate: We're going to make everyone think he's the greatest psychic there ever was, then we're going to expose him in front of the network and everyone.
Tara: And how do we do that?
Nate: We steal the future.
[while watching Tara hook their mark, who's just been zapped]
Eliot: You electrocuted him?
Nate: Yeah, I did. Helps sell the bit.
Parker: I approve.
Nate: Thanks, Parker.
Eliot: No, her agreeing with you is not a good thing. That's—
Nate: Thanks.
Hardison: "He who sells miracles will have the Devil knocking at his door."
Parker: What is that, a proverb?
Hardison: Fortune cookie. [Parker looks at him in disbelief] What? It started with "He who."
. . .
[later, after the con is finished]
Parker: He who looks for hidden money shall find it. If he is also a thief.

[edit] The Three Strikes Job [2.14]

[Nate shares his idea for the con]
Hardison: Baseball?
Nate: Yeah, we're gonna steal this ballpark. [pause] And then the team. But not necessarily in that order.
Nate: All right. Good news, bad news.
Tara: Good news?
Nate: Mayor's hooked. We're in the pitch.
Tara: Bad news?
Nate: I think we lost Eliot till the playoffs.
[last lines: after the team escapes the FBI, a familiar face appears]
Sterling: James Sterling. Interpol. Just rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?

[edit] The Maltese Falcon Job [2.15]

Parker: Don't worry. No one's ever died going through an air duct.
Tara: That's…comforting.
Parker: Worst case, you slip and fall, break your legs, lay there for days scratching on the metal. It's like a long metal coffin. With wind.
[Sterling enters the room to check on the mayor and comes out in an instant]
Sterling: Name's Bob right?
Agent Bob: Uh...yeah.
Sterling: Anything wrong here, Bob?
Agent Bob: No.
Sterling: Anybody came through this door, Bob?
Agent Bob: No.
Sterling: Which means everything is all right here...Bob?
Agent Bob: Yes.
Sterling: Then would you mind telling me...WHERE THE HELL THE MAYOR IS!?!?
[Agent Bob gives him a dumbstruck look]
[last lines of the season]
Agent Bob: Who is this guy?
Sterling: I don't know.
Nate: My name is Nate Ford…and I'm a thief.

[edit] Season 3

[edit] The Jailhouse Job [3.1]

Nate: Guys, no. I committed a crime, I got caught, and now I'm gonna serve my time.
Sophie: Nate, what kind of world would it be if everybody that committed a silly little crime went to prison, huh? Complete madness.
Eliot: He doesn't wanna do it.
Parker: Aw. But I love jumping on elevators!
Hardison: I know.
Parker: This is my special elevator rig you got me for Christmas.
Epping: You stabbed me!
Nate: Oh, come on. Just a little. It's fine.
Sophie: Worth is on the hook. But with two fifty of ours as a buy-in.
Nate: Ouch.
Sophie: Oh, did I say ours? I meant what's left of your life's savings. Yeah. We took it out of your account.

[edit] The Reunion Job [3.2]

Nate: What, are you lurking?
Eliot: Yeah. I'm a lurker. It's my thing.
Parker: For a den of evil spies, this place smells delicious. Hardison, confiscate some pastries.
Hardison: You know how I feel about mind games, Nate! Negatively! [turns to see Eliot grinning] What are you looking at, lurker?
Eliot: Nobody else thinks it's weird that you can just buy anybody's yearbook online?
Hardison: You know, it's cute, man, how you still believe in privacy.
[after Nate gives an example of a Roman Room]
Parker: Hey, Nate just gave us his passwords.
Hardison: No, I got his passwords. Wanna see his Netflix queue? He's got like every season of The Rockford Files, every season of Sex and the City, that show Psych…

[edit] The Inside Job [3.3]

Nate: Let's go steal a Parker.
Nate: All right, it's a party. But before we rescue Parker, we've gotta find out where she is.
Hardison: Nate, you do realize the entire building is looking for Parker? I mean the actual, physical building is looking for her. Look, any cameras that I piggy-back, any sensors that I access, anything I do to find Parker could lead the bad guys right to her.
Nate: All right, so what's your play?
Hardison: Wh-what's my play?? Nate, I'm hacking a security system the Pentagon calls overkill with a laptop I found in the back of my car!
Parker: [as they run away] What is sexting?
Eliot: [exasperated] I am not having this conversation with you!
Sophie: Quiet and sneaky is fine if you're thinking like a thief. Thieves find entrances, but grifters? Uh-uh. We make them.
Parker: Laser trip wires. In a ventilation shaft?!

[edit] The Scheherazade Job [3.4]

Hardison: I am the Super-Skrull. Okay? I have all y'all's skills. I hack, I grift, I thieve.
Eliot: Do you fight?
Hardison: I have a dog for that. Name's Megabite.
. . .
[later, after Nate reveals the part he needs Hardison to play in the con]
Hardison: You know what you've done? You asked me to play the violin in front of people!
Nate: Well, you said you were good.
Hardison: As a child! That was ten years ago!
Nate: Oh, c'mon, c'mon Hardison. Listen, you know, told me you could do anything. You told me you were Super-Skull!
Hardison: SKRULL! Skrull! Get it right. Super…Super…Super-Skrull. Who has the combined powers of the Fantastic Four. One of whom is not Itzhak Perlman!
[Hardison is digitally altering a photo of their mark]
Eliot: Nice. Make him—make him look drunker. And then richer.
Hardison: What you want me to do, give the man a pet tiger?
Eliot: Can you do that?

[edit] The Double Blind Job [3.5]

Fake FBI Guy: FBI, sir. That young lady's in our custody.
Hardison: Aw see, you made two mistakes, bro. First, you flashed that fake ass FBI badge at me. Second, [points at Eliot] you spilled his coffee.
[later, back at homebase]
Nate: Where's Eliot?
Hardison: Oh, he had to change his shirt. He got coffee on it. And some blood and some teeth.
Hardison: Little Jennifer Pearson's wearing you out, ain't she?
Eliot: Dude, we walked the Freedom Trail twice.
Hardison: Nice.
Eliot: No, man, the actual Freedom Trail. We took paddle boats to the public garden, shopped on Newbury Street, I went to something called the Boston Duck Tour.
Parker: So, I have to tell you something.
Hardison: Okay. [pause] Did--did you want to talk?
Parker: Yeah, okay. So, the thing is, I think that maybe I might be having feelings. Like weird, weird feelings... f-for...[pauses, looks around] pretzels.
Hardison: Pretzels. Okay. Well, they're right here. When you want them.

[edit] The Studio Job [3.6]

Hardison: Now, I rigged my laptop to record your com. Now this means I can alter your pitch from anywhere to make you sound like Darth Eliot...
Eliot: [voice like Darth Vader] I don't speak on command, Hardison.
Hardison: ...to Spencer Smurf.
Eliot: [voice like Smurf] I don't speak on command, Hardison.
Eliot: Hardison.
Hardison: Don't ever do the Smurf thing again?
Eliot: Right.
Kaylin: Have you ever been in love?
Eliot: Once.
Kaylin: How'd it end?
Eliot: I promised her I would be there for her.
Kaylin: What's wrong with that?
Eliot: 'Cause I made the same promise to the United States Government, and I found out you can't make that promise more than once.
Eliot: There's a price on my head in three different countries and I'm fairly certain a fatwa was issued!
Hardison: When you get back, we gonna have us a serious conversation about the difference between caution and paranoia.
Eliot: When you've done the things I've done, there's no such thing as paranoia.
Sophie: Sometimes you--you--you don't get a second chance to get it right.
Parker: Why not?
Sophie: Rules of life.
Nate: But that's exactly what we do. We change the rules.
Kaylin: You can come with me, you know. You're a natural-born country singer if I've ever seen one. Maybe the next Johnny and June?
Eliot: Some roads, you start going down, well, you can't turn back, and... I'm about a hundred miles down one of those right now.

[edit] The Gone Fishin' Job [3.7]

Hardison: What's that smell?
Eliot: Fresh air.
Hardison: I don't like it.
Sophie: Nate, our cover's blown. The Revolution's starting early.
[after racing to catch up to their mark]
Parker: Who knew a sedan could hit 140?
Sophie: Parker, you are never to get behind the wheel of a car again. Never.
Eliot: That's the difference between a real soldier and this Halloween outfit you have going on. You'd kill to protect your rights. A real soldier would die to protect someone else's.

[edit] The Boost Job [3.8]

Parker: We have to convince them that they need us. It will be tough, and they might shoot you a little.
Hardison: How is this car going to get Lefty's attention?
Parker: You bring a car like this to a local chop-shop, they all know a new player is in town. Besides this is Lefty's car.
Hardison: Wait! Hold up. You told her?
Eliot: I should have known. You're a menace, Parker.
Parker: What? She deserved a chance.
Hardison: Nate is going to kill you.
Eliot: I'm going to kill you.
Parker: Oh, stop whining!
Eliot: I got hit by a car!
Parker: [mocking] "I got hit by a car" ... Get over it!
Eliot: I'm gonna kill her, man. I'm gonna kill her.
Hardison: Hey! Hey! Nobody's gonna kill anybody. Seriously though, Nate is going to kill you.
Josie: Who are you people?
Parker: WE'RE THE GOOD GUYS!
Eliot: Damn it, Parker where'd you learn to drive?
Parker: Before I stole cars I was a getaway driver.
Hardison: Before, you started stealing cars when you were twelve.
Young Parker: [flashback] Get out of the way you old bat!
Parker: Get out of the way you old bat!

[edit] The Three Card Monte Job [3.9]

Sophie: They're going to kill Hardison.
Hardison: They're gonna kill who? Uh-uh no they ain't! Nate, you gotta stall!
Hardison: You better say something, I swear on my momma I will blow a hole through your bedroom and Spider-man out of the side of this building.
Hardison: [to the Russian mobsters he's just locked in a cage] Age of the geek baby, stay strong.
Eliot: [after Parker tossed a crowbar at him] You don't throw crowbars at people!
Parker: Sorry. [mimicked whining] "You don't throw crowbars at people." Could have just tasered him.
Jimmy: You're more ruthless than me, crueler than me. Maybe you are better than me. I'm proud of you son.
Nate: Enjoy your retirement.

[edit] The Underground Job [3.10]

Sophie: The Skagway Shuffle.
Nate: Yeah. That's what I was thinking.
Hardison: See, now y'all are just making stuff up.
Sophie: It's like the Fiddle Game.
Nate: Yeah, only underground.
Parker: Is Eliot going to be the fiddle again?
Nate: No.
Sophie: No.
Parker: Can I be the fiddle?
Nate: No.
Sophie: No.
Hardison: Micro detonator, surround sound, dust spray, modified oxygen meter, and...what? What? Yes, I do spend my weekends making these things. Man, w-we're coming to a mine. It's not rocket science.
Nate: [referring to Eliot's outfit] I like it. It gives him a whole Village People construction-dude thing.
Hardison: Thank you.
Hardison: What are you doing?
Parker: [laying down for a nap] Stealing souls is hard work.

[edit] The Rashomon Job [3.11]

Sophie: But when I started telling them about one of my finest jobs ever...
Eliot: But I know she's lying.
Hardison: She's a grifter. It's her job.
Parker: Wait, I'm confused. Now, she's lying about lying?
Eliot: [after letting himself into a guy's car] I'm gonna need a couple of things from you. I need your clothes, and I need your little invite to this party. This can go two ways--you can give them to me, and I can stuff you in the trunk of this car, which, by the way, looks pretty comfortable. Not a bad night. Or, you can not give them to me... and I can do exactly what you'd expect a crazy guy in your back seat to do to you. [The doctor hands over his keys] That's the right choice.
Eliot: [on the phone] Why are you sending second rate thugs to try and kill me?
Thug: Hmmmm? [looks offended]
Eliot: If I'm not honest with you, you'll never improve.
Thug: [nods, grunts in agreement.]
Sophie: It was en route. That's like stealing my mail.
Parker: What, is stealing mail a crime? Oops.
Sophie: [after Eliot, Hardison and Parker butcher her accent in their stories] I hate you all.

[edit] The King George Job [3.12]

Nate: Okay, let's go steal an auction.
Hardison: Apparently their computer system is also an antique... possibly steam powered, which would be cool.
Parker: [In the vault, looking at pieces of art] Oh, hello. The last time I saw you was at the Louvre. Well actually it was the back seat of my car...
Parker: [to the auctioneer she snuck up on] Does this rag smell like chloroform to you? [presses the rag in his face until he goes unconscious]
Nate: Let's go steal a federal witness.
Sophie: I love Claridge's. Even the air feels more expensive.
Hardison: I'm sorry, does that say goat marrow?
Nate: I'm about to revisit the topic of Sophie being overinvested.
Eliot: I got your turpentine, got your, uh, wanlerol, which I purchased from a very stunning vegan chick, so thank you for that, a bucket of soot...it's everywhere, man.
Hardison: Ah hah, thanks, E. Way to get your hands dirty.
Eliot: (picks up a rag and starts to clean his hands) Thanks.
Hardison: Hey, put that down man, that's my paper.
Eliot: It's a rag.
Hardison: Yeah, it's what printers used to make paper back in the 1700's, use a moist towelette, please and thank you.
Eliot: What's that smell?
Hardison: ...You don't wanna know how they wet the paper back in the day.
Eliot: (grabbing lots of moist towelettes) Did you--
Hardison: Do not ask me, man.
Eliot: Dammit, Hardison!
Hardison: Why you so sensitive? You touch worse.
Eliot: (storming for the door angrily) I'm goin' out for baba ganoush!
Parker: (enters with Eliot) Uh...I don't know how soon we're doing this auction scam, but are you planning on printing out the entire diary page by page?
Eliot: You better hope she's got a short and boring life, my man.
Hardison: You know what I've achieved here? Do you? I made ink from boysenberries, I've-I've tanned hide for the covers.
Eliot: (to Parker) Forgot to tell you, don't go in the jacuzzi, it's not safe.
Hardison: I made glue for the binding from animal parts I do not care to discuss...I made content for the filler pages using an algorithm from digitized colonial era novels and diaries...it's, it's Shakespeare in the house, people, Shakespeare.
Parker: Yeah, it sounds like a lot of work.
Hardison: It is. In a single day I've gone from apprentice to journeyman to master.
Parker: Okay...yeah, well, I'm gonna go...steal some stuff.
Hardison: Okay, but come back, cuz I've fused computer technology with-with this stuff.
Eliot: Alright man, well, you let us know how that goes.
Hardison: I've hacked history! I hacked history, people!
Nate: Good guess.
Sophie: It's not really a guess when it's that good, is it?
Nate: The name of this con is "The Mummy's Tiara."
Hardison: Come on, man, that can't be real.
Parker: Am I gonna have to steal a corpse again?
Sophie: (to Nate) Oh, I'm sorry. Are you the only one that's allowed to brood down here, or is it an open bar?

[edit] The Morning After Job [3.13]

Parker: [after she tasers the mark] I am really starting to enjoy this tasering thing... Is that bad?
Sophie: You watch hockey fights, alone, at night, in your room?
Eliot: Yeah. You never know if you're gonna have to fight a guy on ice.
Parker: Don't stab, don't stab, don't stab.
Eliot All right Nate, the guy in the bed with the dead hooker con is up and running.
Hardison Hey, man, it's called the Vegas wake-up call.
Eliot It's not, all right? In the Vegas wake-up call, the boyfriend shows up.
Sophie So. It's the lawyer, the prosecutor, the deal, and the dead girl in the bed. It's the Cuban sandwich.

[edit] The Ho Ho Ho Job [3.14]

Parker: Okay, bad enough it's Christmas and there's no snow on the ground, but this is Santa we're talking about, okay? We can't turn away Santa!
Nate: You know that's not really Santa, right?
Parker: Obviously. Santa lives at the North Pole.
[Hardison is in disguise with other FBI agents and they just caught Cha0s]
Cha0s: You gotta admit, it was a good plan.
Hardison: Yeah. There's one thing you didn't count on...
Cha0s: [as he's being carted off by agents] Ohh no...
Hardison: You forgot...
Cha0s: No...
Hardison: About the true meaning...
Cha0s: No, don't you say it!!
Hardison: ...of Christmas.
Cha0s: My god, that barely applies here!!
Hardison: [smiles] Ho ho ho.
Nate: The plan is... to make up the plan in the car.
[Eliot is working as a mall Santa]
Annoying Kid: I want a Rubbery Robby!
Eliot: You're gonna get a Sammy spanking, you don't get off my lap.
Eliot: You bought us gifts?
Sophie: Oh, I wouldn't say that, exactly. We, ah, obtained.

[edit] The Big Bang Job [3.15]

Nate: Let's go steal the Department of Defense.
Parker: Isn't that treason?
Nate: We'll give it back.
Parker: Does it blow up?
Hardison: Not everything blows up, Parker.
Parker: Everything blows up, silly.
Eliot: Every one of Moreau's men has innocent blood on their hands. Every one of them is worse than me. You think you know what I've done, Nate? The worst thing I ever did in my entire life, I did for Damien Moreau. And I'll never be clean of that.
Parker: What did you do?
Eliot: Don't ask me that, Parker. Because if you ask me, I'm gonna tell you. So please, don't ask me.
Sophie: We all have a past, you don't have to tell us anything you don't want to--but I think we've learned, we've got to be straight with one another.
Parker: Who taught you how to drive?
Sophie: Taxi driver in Istanbul.
Parker: [grins] I like it.
Hardison: We got to get on that freight car.
Parker: I have an idea.
Sophie: Am I gonna hate it?
Parker: No, but he is.
[Later]
Parker: You got an idea?
Hardison: Yeah.
Parker: Am I gonna hate it?
Hardison: No, but I am.
Chapman: [holding a gun on Eliot] I thought you didn't like guns.
Eliot: I don't. [quick-draws and shoots him three times] Never said I couldn't use them.
[Parker and Hardison are hanging onto a train after causing a minor explosion]
Parker: [excitedly] You know what I'm in the mood for?
Hardison: What?
Parker: Pretzels.
[She grins and hurries off, leaving Hardison looking wondering, before he also grins]
Moreau: None of that is true.
Nate: Ah, who cares? True, schmoo!
[Later]
Moreau: Who are you?
Nate: You know how it feels like you've been poked by a stick, you know, over these last six months or so? I'm that stick.

[edit] The San Lorenzo Job [3.16]

Nate: Let's go steal a country.
Nate: Now, we've been in this situation before, I've pushed you into it.
Parker: You were drunk. Suuuuper drunk.
Nate: Thanks, Parker. I remember that.
Sophie: Nate, I have to say, of all the deceitful, unprincipled, corrupt things I've done in my entire life, nothing's as bad as-
Nate: Politics?
Sophie: I can't even say it.
Nate: You know what I have? I have a 24 year old genius with a smartphone and a problem with authority. You never stood a chance.
Nate: Yeah, you have every right to be proud.
Sophie: I am. I'm proud. You know, we didn't just con someone, we built something.
Nate: Well, we did subvert democracy.
Sophie: Ugh. Eggs, omelets.

[edit] Season 4

[edit] The Long Way Down Job [4.1]

[Hardison hugs Eliot a little too long]
Eliot: Let go!
Hardison: Sorry man. I'm just so damn cold!
Eliot: I don't care!
Hardison: Set me on fire or something! Cause I'm all shivering and I think one of my nipples fell off.
Eliot: Don't tell me stuff like that!
Parker: Tell him what?
Hardison: Nothing. Hey girl. [He moves to hug her but is denied]
Nate: Parker, you can climb a mountain, right?
Parker: I climb skyscrapers. You can walk up a mountain.
Eliot: It's not the same. Are there avalanches on skyscrapers?
Parker: No. But that would be so cool.
Sophie: Just how dangerous is this gig you took without checking with us first?

Nate: Yeah, eh...

Hardison: Ridiculously dangerous. It's like a danger cupcake with murder icing.
Sophie: Nate, I'm at a party full of drunk millionaires far from home who are dizzy from lack of oxygen. It's like grifter Christmas in here.
Nate: Let's go steal a mountain.
Parker: Again.
Nate: What?
Parker: Again. We already stole one, two years ago.
Nate: We did?
Eliot: Well, technically it was a resort, not a mountain, but yeah.
Hardison: You were also very drunk on that one.
Nate: Now, let me get this straight. When I said--when I said "simple stall," you heard... "multi-national, high-finance feeding frenzy," right?

Sophie: Tomahto, tomato.
Eliot: Hey. It's a good thing it was us.

Parker: Because we'd leave him.

Eliot: Because they would've kept trying and they would've froze to death right next to him. Especially Hardison. So it was a good thing it was us. The two of us--we do things they can't... won't.

Parker: Does that make us bad?
Eliot: It makes us... us. Now, you can take that as a gift... or you can take it as a curse. And that's up to you.
Sophie: I'm running out of cons here.
Karen: What happens then?

Nate: Well, eventually you run into something that your anger can't beat.

Karen: Like a mountain?

Nate: You realize that... that your luck has run out. And it's a long way down.

[edit] The 10 Li'l Grifters Job [4.2]

Nate: Okay, okay, it's not what it looks like.
Hammett: Looks like Morris Beck's been murdered. You're left holding the bag for it.
Nate: Maybe it is what it looks like.
Parker: I've never been to a costume party.
Sophie: Now that is just heartbreaking.
Hardison: Wait, wait, what the hell's going on down there? Nate killed somebody.
Eliot: No, Nate didn't kill somebody. You didn't, did you?
Nate: Of course not.
Parker: You'd tell us, though, wouldn't you?
Nate: Yes, Parker, I'd tell you if I'd murdered the mark.
Parker: Umm.
Hardison: Damn blackout, prehistoric wiring, Nate killing people. I did not sign up for this.
Parker: Nate didn't kill anyone. He said.
Sophie: All right, it's your bar. Think. It's what you do.
Nate: Yeah, thanks, yeah.
Sophie: But while you're thinking, think about this. Are you climbing into that bottle because of what you think we see when we look at you, or because of what you see in the mirror?

[edit] The 15 Minutes Job [4.3]

Eliot: Stop--stop with the Star Trek stuff again!

Hardison: "Wars"! Damn it, it's Star Wars! And--and that CGI Yoda they used in the prequels, it was an insult to the puppet. You know--you know what, man? It's not even worth discussing.

Eliot: You're the only one discussing.

Parker: I kinda like CGI Yoda.

Hardison: Eek!
[Afterwards]:
Hardison: Parker, I'm not going to be able to unhear that CGI Yoda thing. Cut me deep, woman, that cut me deep.
Nate: I mean, what we're really asking here is how would I destroy myself.

Parker: Yeah, and you can't say "booze."
Hardison: Rockwell's brilliant, he's ruthless. Stone-cold solid. It's a shame we got to take the man down. I'd almost consider making him a part of the team.

Nate: Yeah, uh, Rockwell has his boot on my friend's throat, Hardison.

Hardison: I said, "almost."
Parker: [on grifting the mark] I think I'm getting better at this.

Hardison: I'm cloning Rockwell's cell phone right now. Good work, girl.

Parker: I didn't even stab him!

Hardison: Yeah--we--you--we are so proud of you. Uh, no stabbing Wednesdays. New tradition.
Eliot: Really? The slow clap?

Hardison: Yeah, yeah, man. I got 'em all the time in high school. You didn't get one of those in high school?
Sophie: You know, for a while you were an honest man. Then for a while you were a thief.

Nate: Well maybe I'm both.

Sophie: You can't be both. I'm just not sure at this point which one I want to win.

[edit] The Van Gogh Job [4.4]

Nate: No, not--not a toy.
Eliot: What? He's tellin' me to learn technical stuff all the time!
Nate: Well, that'll never happen.
Eliot: Where are you at?
Hardison: I'm in a damn storage closet. Smells like mothballs and old people.
Parker Take care of yourself Mr. Lawson.
Charlie: That's one thing I've always done. There's one thing I want to tell you. [He glances from Parker to Hardison then back] Don't waste time.

[edit] The Hot Potato Job [4.5]

Hardison: [after stealing an ID] And what? Say something now!
Eliot: One good lift in three years. Awesome!
Nate: Burn room?
Hardison: It's usually a vault within a vault. The walls are lined with thermite. All he has to do is press a button and flame on. All his dirty secrets burn away.
Parker: Everything burns? I want one.
Parker: So the diamond is in the potato?
Hardison: There is no diamond. Verd Agra. Super tuber. Haven't you been listening?
Parker: Not really.

[edit] The Carnival Job [4.6]

Hardison: [Instructing Eliot with chemicals] Now mix and run like hell.
Eliot: [sets off a minor explosion with thick smoke] Dammit Hardison! A little warning next time!
Hardison: What you think "run like hell" meant?
Eliot: I thought we were supposed to hate the guys that we take down.

Nate: Not a requirement--a perk... usually.
Hardison: But it's not--it's not what you think, at all. It's an ASCD, an Automated Safe Cracking Device.

Parker: I'm a safe-cracking device. [Stomps out]
Nate: [walking into the frame and looking at Hardison] I told you not to name it Parker.

[edit] The Grave Danger Job [4.7]

Nate: Darlene Wickett and her sons are embezzling money from the dying and grieving. It's the oldest grift in the book.

Sophie: And the cruelest. Even I never ran that one - it's tacky.
Parker: Okay, she's a horrible human being, but she's got solid taste in home security.
Parker: [Hardison is currently buried and struggling] Sophie he's freaking out. He needs you.
Sophie: Parker listen to me, you have spent a disproportionate amount of your life in air vents. You more than anyone know how control your breathing. He doesn't need me. He needs you.
Hardison: Put me in a coffin. Here it comes to you. Got something for you. Boom. Evidence. Get it, get it, get it, get it.

Nate: Is that really necessary?

Hardison: The man put me in a coffin, Nate. A damn coffin.

Nate: That's true.

[edit] The Boiler Room Job [4.8]

Eliot: Where's--are we waiting on Parker?

Hardison: Oh, man she's at that damned chocolate festival. It's like sending a crack addict to a cocaine convention. Girl texted me about an hour ago, misspelled every damned word. Look, "yu gedde yesh dis stuf." Probably got chocolate all over the buttons.

Parker: [over the comms] Hi, Hardison!

Hardison: Um... hello?

Parker: Nate won't tell me what the name of the job is.

Nate: Parker, not now. Please?
Parker: Yeah, but what are we stealing? Is it "let's go steal a mountain" or a potato or a funeral or a panda or...
Hardison: I told y'all not to let her go to that festival unsupervised.

[edit] The Cross My Heart Job [4.9]

(The team has just returned from a con)
Sophie: Well, that trip was a complete disaster.
Hardison: It was a complete trainwreck.
Eliot: No, it was a shipwreck, and you want to know how I know that? Because I was in the wreck!
Hardison: Man, I don't know why you're complaining. At least you don't have to fix the earbuds...do you know how long it takes to get the salt water out?
Eliot: Listen, don't tell me about the earbuds. I had to fight three ex-Brazilian combat divers with spearguns, underwater! Can't believe this.
Hardison: Don't want to hear it.
Sophie: Ow! Don't touch me, I'm sunburnt everywhere. I hate playing the French heiress on the topless beach.
Parker: Oh, I don't know what you're complaining about. I didn't even get to see the emerald.
Hardison: Are you for real?
Eliot: Oh my god, for the last time, it's not an emerald. All right? It's an island. It's "The Emerald of the Caribbean."

[The team is discussing what to do after someone steals a donor heart being transported by their new client]

Parker: Can't we just get another heart?
Eliot: [looking annoyed] From who?
Eliot: You carry high heels in your purse?
Sophie: I always travel with heels.
Eliot: Don't suppose you travel with handcuffs?
Sophie: No, not on this trip.
Nate: I know what you're gonna say.
Sophie: I think you should have a drink.
Nate: Okay, I didn't know what you were gonna say.
Nate: [on how they're going to steal an airline employee badge] We're gonna break Sophie's ankle.
[Later]:
Parker: [asking how to get another badge] How're we gonna do that? Break Eliot's wrist?
Eliot: [glares at her]
[Later]:
Sophie: [discussing the final step-getting into the airline tower] Well, we're going to have to lure them out...
Parker: Oh! Are we going to have to set Nate on fire?
Eliot: [looking annoyed] Settle down!
Hardison: What, like you've never seen a man travel with a desktop before!
Hardison: Look, man, this is like stone knives and bearskins, okay? Nobody's asking Eliot to fight a guy with a Nerf sword.
Eliot: Damascus, 2002.
Hardison: Like you've been to Damascus.
Nate: I know what you're going to say.
Sophie: I think you should have a drink.
Nate: Okay, I didn't know what you were going to say.
Sophie: Hey, you all right with this one?
Nate: What?
Sophie: Well, you said it yourself--a kid's life is at stake. You don't think that might get too personal?
Nate: Does it matter?
Chesney: Well, Mr. Ford, it seems you've killed me after all.
Nate: Oh, I didn't kill you. God killed you. I just... made sure it took.

[edit] The Queen's Gambit Job [4.10]

Nate: [over comms] Eliot, try not to kill Sterling, we may need him later.
Eliot: [looks indignant] I can't promise that!
Sterling: [glances at Eliot] What was that?
Sterling: Trust me.
Eliot: [chuckles]
Sophie: So, the salt was plan B?
Nate: No, no, that's plan M.
Hardison: Don't I die in plan M?
Nate: Yeah, usually.
Hardison: What you mean, usually? How many plans do I die in?
Nate: Plans C, F, and M through Q.
Hardison: Hold up, see, that's a little close to home, man. You need to switch that up. How many plans does Eliot die in?
Nate: None. And [pointing to Parker] none. And [pointing to Sophie]...nnehh. Now there is a plan where he [Eliot] comes out of it with a scar from the temple through the eye all the way down to his mouth-
Parker: Ooh! You'd look so cool with a scar!
Sophie: Wait, wait, wait, go back, hold on, let's-let's rewind--you skipped past me! You skipped past me.
Nate: Well, I have one, there is a plan, but it's evolving.
Sophie: Okay, that's creepy. Don't you think that's creepy? He's planning my death.

[edit] The Experimental Job [4.11]

Nate: [to Hardison] Can we skip the "Behold my genius" part?
Eliot: What do you want to know? Names? Dates? Locations? What food was on their breath? What color their eyes were? Want to know the last words they spoke? Want to know which ones deserved it? Or better yet, the ones that didn’t? Want to know which ones begged? Want to know why I know these things?…Because I can’t forget. So there’s nothing you can do, no punishment you can hand out that I live with every day. So to answer your question, no, I never counted. I don’t need to.
Parker: Should I tell him it's the age of the geek?
Hardison: He'll figure it out eventually.
Parker: So, remember last night when you were playing with your pretend friends?
Hardison: They're not pretend, they're just not in the same room as me.
Parker: They're an elf, a dwarf, and a thing with a tail. I'm pretty sure they're pretend.
Elliot: Now, I got four minutes to prove your theory wrong.
CIA Man: What theory?!
Elliot: That torture doesn't work.

[edit] The Office Job [4.12]

Sophie: Oh, it is on.
Gunther: Would you describe yourself as having any kind of life outside of work?
Nate: Uh, excuse me?
Gunther: Do you have any outside interests? Do you do ever do anything but than this?
Nate: Of course I do. I... Why does this even matter? This is so...
Gunther: Well, your coworker suggested I ask.
Nate: She did. You know what you should ask her?
Sophie: [spluttering] I'm--could--could you repeat--
Nate: "Career," heh.
Sophie: No, I wouldn't say that my acting career fizzled, I just...I just put it on hold to pursue other things.
Gunther: But he implied it might have something to do with ageism.
Nate: Functioning alcoholic! Functioning! She always leaves that part out. And speaking of leaving...
Sophie: No, I didn't abandon them to get about, I just...I faked my own death and went on a voyage of self-discovery.
Nate: [laughs] God complex...What does that even mean?
Sophie: Shrew? Shrew?! Shrew?!
Nate: Now that, that right there, that's a lie. I love foreplay.
Hardison: [after repeatedly denying he stole Eliot's sandwich] Huhuh...huhuh! I ate the damn sammich! I ate the damn sammich fo'sho! Boy can cook. He can throw down. If he weren't gonna beat my ass, I'd go thank him!

[edit] The Girls Night Out Job [4.13]

[Sophie and Tara developing a plan to switch briefcases in the middle of a crowded party.]

Tara: You start a fire in the kitchen, I grab the briefcase, we use the crowd for cover.
Sophie: I was thinking of something a little less...trample-y?

[edit] The Boys Night Out Job [4.14]

[edit] The Lonely Hearts Job [4.15]

(Parker has just received a Venus Flytrap)

Parker: It eats flies. A plant that actually does something.

[edit] The Gold Job [4.16]

[edit] The Radio Job [4.17]

Sophie: (to Nate) This is a new low, even for you. We both know you're cold, you're distant, you're emotionally unavailable, but you're always punctual.
Hardison: Hello and welcome to the Island of Misfit Inventions.

[edit] The Last Dam Job [4.18]

Cha0s: Wow, you are, like, super old. Maybe later you can tell us about that time you punched Hitler in the face! Parker, still yummy.
Archie Leach: [shoves the end of his cane under Cha0s' chin] I own two canes. One has a taser capable of releasing ten thousand volts; the other extends a six inch stiletto blade.
Cha0s: Which one is <gulps> is this?
Archie Leach: I can't seem to remember. I am super old.
Eliot: (over coms) Quinn, you better be ready.
[cut to Quinn and Cha0s in another building]
Cha0s: I bet you were born ready. Come on, you know you want to say it.
Quinn: How does Eliot do this every day?
Eliot: You know a lot of things, Nate, but you don't know how this is gonna change you.
Nate:: You handled it.
Eliot: You have no idea who I was before all this started. That guy--kid--he had God in his heart, a flag on his shoulder. Clean hands. I haven't seen him in the mirror in over ten years. And believe me, I get up every morning looking for him. So you can trust me when I tell you that if you pull that trigger, two men die: the guy you kill, and the guy you used to be.

[Later, Eliot is holding a gun on Victor Dubenich.]

Sophie: Eliot, what are you doing?
Eliot: I was thinking I could save my friend some trouble.
Victor Dubenich: You didn't kill the man who let your son die.
Nate: [lowers the gun] My son would be ashamed of me if I turned into a killer.
Victor Dubenich: Yes...right.
Nate: [lifts the gun again] My father, on the other hand, would buy me an ice cream.

[edit] Repeated Lines

Eliot Spencer: "Dammit, Hardison!"

Eliot Spencer: "It's a very distinctive..."

Nathan Ford: "Let's go steal a..."

Alec Hardison: Age of the geek, baby!

[edit] Cast

Timothy Hutton - Nathan Ford
Gina Bellman - Sophie Devereaux
Christian Kane - Eliot Spencer
Beth Riesgraf - Parker
Aldis Hodge - Alec Hardison


[edit] External links

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