- Max: My dad? He's... a liar.
- Teacher: A liar? Oh, I'm sure you don't mean a liar.
- Max: Well, he wears a suit and goes to court and talks to the judge.
- Teacher: Oh, I see! You mean he's a lawyer.
- [Max shrugs]
- Fletcher: I was hoping after being married to me, you'd have no more strength left.
- Audrey: Well, you have to remember that when we were married, I wasn't having sex nearly as often as you were.
- Fletcher: You scratched my car!
- Impound Guy: Where?
- Fletcher: [showing him] Right there!
- Impound Guy: Oh. That was already there.
- Fletcher: You... you liar! You know what I'm going to do about this?
- Impound Guy: What?
- Fletcher: Nothing! Because if I take it to small claims court, it will just drain eight hours out of my life and you probably won't show up, and even if I got the judgment you'd just stiff me anyway. So what I'm gonna do is piss and moan like an impotent jerk and then bend over and take it up the tailpipe!
- Impound Guy: You've been here before, haven't ya?
- Judge: One more word outta you, Mr. Reede, and I'll hold you in contempt!
- Fletcher: I hold myself in contempt! Why should you be any different?!
- Fletcher: Your honor, I object!
- Judge: Why?
- Fletcher: Because it's devastating to my case!
- Judge: Overruled.
- Fletcher: Good call!
- Fletcher: You brought your kids to your court hearing?
- Samantha: Sympathy.
- Fletcher: Well, it's working! I feel sorry for them already!
- Greta: Mr. Reede, several years ago a friend of mine had a burglar on her roof. A burglar. He fell through the kitchen skylight, landed on a cutting board, on a butcher's knife, cutting his leg. The burglar sued my friend. He sued my friend and because of guys like you, he won. My friend had to pay the burglar $6,000. Is that justice?
- Fletcher: No!... I'd have got him ten.
- Trust me.
- Would I lie to you?
- Jim Carrey - Fletcher Reede
- Maura Tierney - Audrey Reede
- Justin Cooper - Max Reede
- Jennifer Tilly - Samantha Cole
- Cary Elwes - Jerry
- Amanda Donahoe - Miranda