Life on a Stick
Life On A Stick is a short lived FOX sitcom created by Victor Fresco that premiered on March 24, 2005. Although it followed American Idol, it did not sustain high enough ratings to continue to air, and it was canceled after only 5 episodes. All 13 episodes available in syndication.
Season One 
Laz: Dude, you're staring at the fries again.
Fred: [Looking into the fryer] It must be so hot in there. Look how crowded it is.
Laz: Does Mr. Hutt's constant rage remind you of anyone? Remember, from the fifth grade?
Laz: Is it too much to ask that Yippee Hot Dogs has just one of the qualities of Ancient Rome?!
Laz: My dad and Step Mom decided that since i'm turning nineteen and they love me, they're throwing me out on the street like garbage.
Fred: Is that your Dad trying to get out of the garage?
Fred: You guys lock him in there now?
Laz: I didn't think so, but I don't always read the notes on the fridge.
Rick: I'm trying a new moisturizer we just got in. It's made my hands incredibly soft...and completly useless. I might as well have flippers.
Laz: I feel like baking cookies.
Molly: Did you want to bake them in my room?
Molly: Then why would I care?
Laz: I thought we could do it together.
Molly: Are you high?
Fred: Didn't you hear me knocking?
Laz: No, why?
Fred: Because I was knocking.
Fred: Insanely loud.
Laz: On the door?
Fred: Yes, on the door. What would I be knocking on, the lawn?
Lily: I can’t change him, but I can make him wonder where his beverages went.
Mr. Hutt: I’m going out!
Lily: How sad for all the people who are already out.
Jasper: You know I could learn a lot more from a person like you than I ever could eating this book?
Laz: I’d deep fry the organ I hold most dear to please her. Although, thankfully, I don’t see how it would.
Liking Things the Way They Aren't
Laz: Dad, Michelle, you’re home! We were just…playing Bible Charades! Who am I, here’s a hint: I’m fighting a giant!
Rick: That’s beautiful; I mean who thinks that fast?
Rick: You’re not a government Laz, you have responsibilities.
Fred: Hey Venus, do guys ever get French tips?
Venus: Depends, do you ever perform in ladies clothing?
Mr. Hutt: [After seeing Lily’s spray on tan] You look like a shoe.
Fred: Caramel woman is melting!
[Jasper introduces his girlfriend Susan]
Molly: Whoa whoa, I’m sorry….What was your function?
Laz: I’m sorry, but if you want the milk, you gotta buy the cow.
Lily: That was really sweet; I’ve always wondered what my name would sound like screamed as an evil chant.
Fred: Ooh! First Aid games! Have you guys tried the adrenaline shot? Cause I can jump 15 feet straight up with that thing.
Laz: We’ve never been able to figure out a fun game that involves uncontrollable vomiting.
Fred: I’ve been to church. Fish would make it better.
Molly: I hope you’re proud of yourself Mom, skating by on your looks and your bling. [In a mocking voice] I’m perfect, I’m beautiful, I don’t need to obey the law! Well why don’t I just get highlights and a boob job and drive 80 down the sidewalk?!
Laz: Hey, if it’s true it takes more muscles to frown than smile, then my step-sister has a very strong mouth.
[After Mr. Hutt yells at the trio.]
Laz: It’s like his whole face became a mouth!
Fred: [Singing] Once in a while…a hot dog comes along. Maybe plays miniature golf with you…
Michelle: I know you hate it when I shop for you, but there’s this new thing called a skirt, and this one will look great with your boy! There’s a boy! Hello boy!
Michelle: Rick! Molly has a boy in her room!
Rick: A whole boy? Or parts of one?
Jasper: Momentito…Used in a sentence, I wish I hadn’t just said Momentito.
Molly: I snip the plastic six-pack holders so the seagulls don’t…something bad…
Laz: I’m sick of this batter! It’s too thick, it’s too thin, pick a viscosity and go with it!!
Mr. Hutt: [singing] Weiner, wieners, wieners some are thick and some are thin. Wieners, wieners, wieners, our juices on your chin!
Laz: Mr. Hutt, if we sing that, the police will come.
The Defiant Ones
Mr. Hutt: Lock the door!
Fred: People know I’m here Mr. Hutt!
Fred: I can’t believe your wife makes you shave everything. Doesn’t it itch?
Mr. Hutt: Chicken Pox is an orgasm compared to this.
Laz: I don’t want to overstate my role, but without me, Molly would be in jail and we’d all be dead.
Herr Schmidt: So then I can assume you are troublemaker just like him? [Laz]
Molly: No, not at all.
Herr Schmidt: Well that is unfortunate for you because I am going to assume it anyway.
Laz: You got Herr Schmidt? He’s the worst. I used to answer his questions in Cling-On, the only language angrier than German.
Jasper: I was playing around with vocab words we learned yesterday, and I think I can say, My beautiful tomato goes swimming at the library.
Fred: Shave your body dolphin smooth and go have sex with your free maid!
Gangs of the Mall
Fred: Last time we went to the party store and tried to hit a piñata. We learned a valuable lesson about giving bats to four guys who can’t see…don’t!
Molly: Call me old fashioned, but I don’t want the first person to touch my breasts to be holding a knife.
Molly: Parents…Why can’t we just grow out the ground like broccoli? Nobody humiliates broccoli at the mall.
Laz: So, did you ask Alison out?
Fred: I wanted to…but she was kidnapped by referees.
Lily: Argh! This is all so high school!
Laz: Only without all the great pudding.
Fred: You know I hate pain! That’s why I gave up toaster pastries!
Jasper: Did you just tell the mashed potato lady that you loved her?
Laz: You held back a nerd stampede. You could be the bouncer at a comic book convention.
Zachary Knighton.... Laz Lackerson
Charlie Finn .... Fred
Rachelle Lefevre.... Lily Ashton
Saige Thompson.... Molly Callahan
Frankie Ryan Manriquez.... Gus Lackerson
Amy Yasbeck.... Michelle Lackerson
Matthew Glave.... Rick Lackerson
Maz Jobrani.... Mr. Hut
Ryan Belleville.... Jasper Flickman