Lord of War

Lord of War is a 2005 film written and directed by Andrew Niccol and starring Nicolas Cage. It follows the life of a fictitious illegal arms smuggler through true war events.

Yuri Orlov

• There are over 550 million firearms in worldwide circulation. That's one firearm for every twelve people on the planet. The only question is: How do we arm the other 11?

• The first and most important rule of gun-running is, never get shot with your own merchandise.

• The second rule of gun-running is always ensure you have a foolproof way of getting paid, preferably in advance, preferably to an offshore account.

• Third rule of gun-running is never pick up a gun and join the customers.

• They say, "Evil prevails when good men fail to act." What they ought to say is, "Evil prevails."

• Of all the weapons in the vast Soviet arsenal nothing was more profitable than Avtomat Kalashnikova model of 1947, more commonly known as the AK-47, or Kalashnikov. It's the worlds most popular assault rifle, a weapon all fighters love. An elegantly simple nine pound amalgamation of forged steel and plywood, it doesn't break, jam, or overheat. It will fire whether it's covered in mud or filled with sand. It's so easy to use even a child could use it, and they do. The Soviets put the gun on a coin, Mozambique put it on their flag. Since the end of the Cold War, the Kalashnikov has become the Russian people's greatest export. After that comes vodka, caviar, and suicidal novelists. One thing is for sure; no one was lining up to buy their cars.

• Where there's a will, there's a weapon.

• I sell to leftists, I sell to rightists. I'd sell to pacifists, but they're not the most regular customers.

• That's the problem with dream girls. They have a habit of becoming real.

• Funny how you always resort to your native tongue in times of anger. And in times of ecstasy.

• The first time you sell a gun is a lot like the first time you have sex. You have absolutely no idea what you're doing, but it is exciting, and, one way or another it's over way too fast.

• Some of the most successful relationships are based on lies and deceit. Since that's where they usually end up anyway, it's a logical place to start.

• I had a flair for languages. But I soon discovered that what talks best is dollars, dinars, drachmas, rubles, rupees and pounds fucking sterling.

• Say what you like about warlords and dictators; they tend to have a highly developed sense of order, and they always pay their bills on time.

• There's no problem with living a double life. It's the triple and quadruple lives that get you in the end.

• I don't put a gun to anybody's head and make them shoot. I admit, the shooting war is better for business, but I prefer people to fire my guns and miss, just as long as they keep firing.

• Interpol Agent Jack Valentine couldn't be bought. At least, not with money. For Jack, glory was the prize.

• Selling guns is like selling vacuum cleaners; you make calls, pound the pavement, take orders. I was an equal-opportunity merchant of death; I supplied to every army but the Salvation Army. I sold Israeli-made Uzis to Muslims...I delivered Communist-made bullets to fascists...I even shipped cargo to Afghanistan while they were fighting my fellow Soviets. I never sold to Osama bin Laden—not on any moral grounds; back then, he was always bouncing cheques.

• Every faction in Africa calls themselves by these noble names Liberation-this, Patriotic-that, Democratic Republic of something-or-other. I guess they can't own up to what they usually are -- Federation of Worse Oppressors Than the Last Bunch of Oppressors. Often, the most barbaric atrocities occur when both combatants proclaim themselves freedom fighters.

• Let me tell you what's gonna happen. This way you can prepare yourself. Okay. Soon there's gonna be a knock on that door and you will be called outside. In the hall there will be a man who outranks you. First, he'll compliment you on the fine job you've done, that you're making the world a safer place, that you're to receive a commendation and a promotion. And then he's going to tell you that I am to be released. You're going to protest. You'll probably threaten to resign. But in the end I will be released. The reason I'll be released is the same reason you think I'll be convicted. I do rub shoulders with some of the most vile, sadistic men calling themselves leaders today. But some of those men are the enemies of your enemies. And while the biggest arms dealer in the world is your boss, the President of the United States, who ships more merchandise in a day than I do in a year... sometimes it's embarrassing to have his fingerprints on the guns. Sometimes he needs a freelancer like me to supply forces he can't be seen supplying. So... you call me evil. But unfortunately for you, I'm a necessary evil.

• [while being left alone with the air plane] Or maybe he was hoping that the locals would tear me apart. But they were too busy with the plane. It's like parking your car in certain neighbourhoods in the Bronx; you just don't do it. [locals disassemble the plane through the night] The way I look at it, it's the way of Africa, maybe life. Everything that comes from the Earth eventually return, even a 40-ton Antonov-12 cargo plane.

• You can't force someone to fall in love with you but, you can definitely improve your odds.

• There are two types of tragedies in life. One is not getting what you want, the other is getting it. (quote from Oscar Wilde)

• Even when I was up against an overzealous agent, I had a number of methods for discouraging a search. I routinely mislabeled my shipments "farm machinery." And I have yet to meet the lowly-paid customs official who will open a container marked "radioactive waste" to verify its contents. But my personal favorite is the unique combination of week-old potatoes and tropical heat.

• Without operations like mine it would be impossible for certain countries to conduct a respectable war. I was able to navigate around those inconvenient little arms embargoes. There are three basic types of arms deal: white, being legal, black, being illegal, and my personal favorite color, "gray." Sometimes I made the deal so convoluted, it was hard for me to work out if they were on the level.

• Thank God there are still legal ways to exploit developing countries. The only problem with an honest buck is they're so hard to make - the margins are too low, too many people are doing it.

• You know who's going to inherit the earth? Arms dealers. Because everyone else is too busy killing each other. That's the secret to survival. Never go to war, especially with yourself.

Agent Valentine

• [to Yuri Orlov] You get rich by giving the poorest people on the planet the means to continue killing each other. Do you know why I do what I do? I mean, there are more prestigous assignments. Keeping track of nuclear arsenals. You'd think that more critical to world security. But it's not. No. Nine out of ten war victims today are killed with assault rifles and small arms. Like yours. Those nuclear missiles, they sit in their silos. Your AK-47, that is the real weapon of mass destruction.

• [softly] I'd tell you to go to hell, but I think you're already there.

• Since you're so concerned with the law, you must know that I am legally permitted to hold you for 24 hours without charging you. You might ask why I would do that, and I can assure you its not because I enjoy you company. Because I don't. No. The reason why I will delay you for every second of the permissible 24 hours is I'm delaying your deadly trade and the deaths of your victims. I don't think of it as taking a day away from you but giving a day to them. Some innocent man, woman or child is going to have an extra day on this Earth because you're not free.

Simeon Weisz

• [To Yuri] You think I just sell guns, don't you? I don't; I take sides. [Yuri reminds him that in the Iran-Iraq War Weisz sold to both sides] Did you ever consider that I wanted both sides to lose? Bullets change governments far surer than votes. You're in the wrong place, my young friend; this is no place for amateurs.

• [Referring to the state of the world following the fall of the USSR] This current state of affairs can't last long. There will have to be order.

• The problem with gun runners going to war, is that there is no shortage of ammunition.

• No, I am not here to supply Mr. Baptiste. I am here, to supply his enemies. I fear it's a sale I shall never complete.

• [Last line] Remember Yuri, take sides.

Other

• Monrovian Hotel Clerk: [watching OJ Simpson's trial] My God, man, he nearly cut her head off! When I get to America, I will not live in Brentwood.

• African Girl: Mr. White Man, will my arm grow back?

• Russian General [Surveying line of tanks] Tell you what- you buy six, you get one free.

• Dimitry Orlov: [After Weisz leaves] He was hoping to beat your offer- I tell him to go have intercourse with himself!

• African Prostitute: [seducing Orlov, talking about AIDS] Why worry about something that will kill you in 10 years, when there are so many things that will kill you today?
• Ava Fontaine: I feel like all I've done my whole life is be pretty. I mean, all I've done is be born! I'm a failed actress, a failed artist... I'm not much good as a mother. Come to think of it, I'm not even that pretty anymore. I have failed at everything, Yuri... but I won't fail as a human being.

• Arms Fair Salesman: Sir! Sir, may I interest you in the shoulder fired S-37 surface-to-air missle? It's the old Chinese model. Not so effective against modern military aircraft but deadly if used against a commerical airliner.

Dialogue

• Yuri Orlov: Beware of the Dog? You don't have a dog. Are you trying to scare people?
  Vitaly Orlov: No, it's to scare me. Remind me to be aware of the dog in me. The dog that wants to fuck everything that moves, wants to fight and kill weaker dogs. I guess it's to remind me to be more human.
  Yuri Orlov: Isn't being a dog part of being human? What if that's the best part of you, the dog part? What if you're really just a two-legged dog?
  Vitaly Orlov: You need to see somebody.

• Andre Baptiste Sr.: Welcome to Democracy!
  Yuri Orlov: Democracy? What have you been drinking Andy?
  Andre Baptiste Sr.: Heh, you have not seen the news. You know, they accuse me of rigging elections. But after this - [holds up a newspaper with the headline "U.S. Supreme Court Reverses Recount Ruling"] - with your Florida and your Supreme Court of Kangaroos, now, the U.S. will shut up forever! [laughs]

• Yuri: But in the Iran-Iraq War, you sold guns to both sides.
  Simeon Weisz: Did you ever consider that I wanted both sides to lose?

• Yuri [after Baptiste told him that he had been referred to as a "Lord of War"] : It's not Lord of War, it's "Warlord".
  Baptiste: Thank you, but I prefer it my way.

• Baptiste Jr.: Can you bring me the gun of Rambo?
  Yuri: Part One, Two, or Three?
  Baptiste Jr.: I've only seen Part One.
  Yuri: The M-60. Would you like the armor piercing rounds?
  Baptiste Jr.: Please.

• Prostitute (seducing Yuri): How can we make you happy?
  Yuri: By leaving.

• Yuri: How many Kalashnikovs do you have?
  Uncle Dimitri: Forty thousand.
  Yuri: Is that a four? Doesn't look like a four to me. Looks more like a one.
  Uncle Dimitri: No, it's a four.
  Yuri: It's whatever we say it is, because no one else will know the difference. Ten thousand Kalashnikovs for a battalion... your stocks are badly depleted, Dimitri. You should order more from the factory.
  Uncle Dimitri: Someone will work it out. What happens then?
  Yuri Orlov: We'll cut them in.

• Anatoly Orlov: I'm not a fool, Yuri. I don't think you're going there just to sell Pepsi-Cola. But is this how you want to be remembered?
  Yuri Orlov: I don't want to be remembered at all. If I'm being remembered it means I'm dead.

• Yuri Orlov: Enjoy it.
  Jack Valentine: What?
  Yuri Orlov: This. Tell me I'm everything you despise. That I'm the personification of evil. That I'm what- responsible for the breakdown of the fabric of society and world order. I'm a one-man genocide. Say everything you want to say to me now. Because you don't have long.

• Customs Officer: We're with the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.
  Yuri Orlov: [morosely] Let me guess... this isn't about the alcohol or tobacco.

External links

• Official site
• Lord of War quotes at the Internet Movie Database