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- I'd like to name my kid a whole phrase. You know, something like "Ladies and Gentlemen". That'll be a cool name for a kid. "This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen!" Then, when he gets out of hand, I get to go, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please!"
- They charged me 15 dollars. That's how much it costs to only have 20 dollars.
Chewed Up 
- How many advantages can one person have? I'm a white man!
- I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.
- Last week I got a flu that I caught, 'cause my daughter coughed … into my mouth.
- A man will cut your arm off and throw it in a river, but he'll leave you as a human being intact. He won't fuck with who you are. Women are non-violent, but they will shit inside of your heart.
- The meal is not over when I'm full. The meal is over when I hate myself.
- I'm buying a Cinnabon … at the airport … I arrived at. You understand why that's extra disgusting, right? Because when you're at the airport you're leaving from, you can say, "Oh, I gotta eat. I need some food, because I might be trapped in the sky forever, so I should eat right now." But I've landed. The trip is over. I'm 20 minutes from my house, where I got bananas and apples and shit. And I'm sitting on my luggage just fucking eating a Cinnabon with a fork and knife.
- When girls go wild, they show their tits to people. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.
- Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, "Ugh" …"
- I finally have the body I want. It's easy, actually, you just have to want a really shitty body.
Oh My God 
- If you're older, you're smarter. I just believe that. If you're in an argument with someone older than you, you should listen to 'em ... even if they're wrong, their wrongness is rooted in more information than you have.
- Louie – Season 1, Episode 3