Malcolm in the Middle

Malcolm in the Middle is an American sitcom shown on Fox from January 9, 2000 to May 14, 2006. The series was created by Linwood Boomer and starred Frankie Muniz as the titular character Malcolm. And is filmed by Satin City Regency Television and Fox Television Studios and sometimes on television 20th Television.

[edit] Season 1

[edit] "Pilot" [1.1]

Lois: You just take your legs for granted like nothing could ever happen. But let me tell you something: that is just wishful thanking. There is meningitis. There are car accidents. I could be giving you a spanking and accidentally snap your spinal cord.

Malcolm: You want to know the best part about childhood? At some point, it stops.

Caroline: You're not in trouble, Malcolm. You're here because some of your teachers think you're... you know what? I want to play some games with you. Puzzles, stuff like that.

Malcolm: Why?

Caroline:...You are a suspicious little dickens, aren't you?

Lois: These clippers are dull already. Honestly, Hal, you're like a monkey.

Dewey: Mom said to hold hands.

Malcolm: She did not say to hold hands, Dewey. I'm not holding hands.

Dewey: Come on, hold hands, please.

Malcolm: No! You're in the 1st grade, you're too big for that!

Dewey: Mom, I don't take my legs for granted.

Lois: I know honey, you're a good boy... stop playin' with yourself.

Caroline [to Lois]: I'm here because I think there is a tremendous opportunity for Malcolm. Could you maybe put a top on?

Lois: They're just boobs. You see 'em in the mirror every morning, and I'm sure yours are a lot nicer than mine.

Caroline [to Malcolm]: Now, you can look at this picture for 60 seconds and I want you to tell me everything that's wrong with it. Okay? (holds up picture)

Malcolm: The man only has four fingers.

Caroline: Right, but this time I want you to really take your time and look at...

Malcolm: The car's shadow's going the wrong way, the steering wheel's on the wrong side, there's no brake pedal, the words in the mirror should be backwards, the man's watch wouldn't say twelve o'clock if he was looking at a sun set, and I have red paint on my ass. That's right - I have red paint all over my ass.

Lois: There's nothing wrong with being smart. There's nothing wrong with being cut from the herd, either. It makes you the one buffalo who isn't there when the Indians run the rest of them off the cliff.

Malcolm: Huh?

Stevie [to Malcolm]: Just... chill out.

Malcolm: That's easy for you to say. You've always been a freak. I used to be normal. (to camera) Wait, who just said that? (to Stevie) You're going to take that the wrong way, aren't you?!

Stevie: You... suck!

Lois: Just remember, anybody who makes fun of you is a creepy little loser who'll end up working at a carwash.

Malcolm: (to the camera) This shouldn't make me feel better, but it does.

Hal: They're sending an unmanned probe to Venus and letting a bunch of school children name it. That's gonna end badly.

Lois: Hey, Francis, how's school?

Francis: Oh, couldn't be better, Mom. My new roommate showed me how to kill mice with a hammer yesterday. So, you know, between that and the general atmosphere of simmering homo-eroticism, I think I'm really starting to turn around.

Malcolm: (to the camera) I keep trying to run, but my legs won't work. Mom's right, they are important!

Lois: Okay, okay, okay, okay. Okay, I ran out of ham. One of you has to have egg salad. And don't ditch your little brother. I don't want him getting kidnapped.

Reese: (sarcastically) Yeah, Mom, that would be terrible.

Richard: Hey, Malcolm.

Malcolm: Hey, Richard.

Richard: So, my mom was telling my dad last night about your brother? He said he was in jail?

Malcolm: He's not in jail. He's at Marlin Academy. It's like one of the best private schools in the country. (to the camera) And it's totally unfair. Everyone acts just like Francis, as this big troublemaker, and he's not.

Francis: (flashback and seen handcuffed by an officer on the front porch) Dad, I know what you're gonna say, and believe me and I totally agree with you. There is no excuse for what I did. It was idiotic, immature, totally reckless and I'm really sorry... (seen sitting on a bed with a girl in the background getting dressed) I'm just hoping against hope that you will give me another chance, which I admit... (seen in front of a car in flames) I don't deserve, but if you can just find it in your heart, I think I can earn your trust back. (the exhaust pipe starts blowing)

Malcolm: (to the camera) It's not like it was even our car.

[edit] "Red Dress" [1.2]

[Lois appears holding a charred red dress.]

Lois: Fire? Fire? Fire?

Malcolm: Mom, what?

Lois: This is the most stupid, irresponsible, dangerous thing you have ever done! Is this what you want? Will we have to identify your charred little bodies through their dental records? I want a straight answer! Who did this?

Reese: Malcolm did it!

Malcolm: Reese did it!

Reese: I didn't do it!

Malcolm: I didn't do it!

Dewey: We're going to the dentist?

Lois: In your room! [Satanic voice] NOW!

Dewey: Why does she have to ruin everything I love?!

Hal: We have a saying in the family. If it's an hour, eat without her. If it's any longer, something's wronger.

Lois: (sits with Malcolm on the dinner table while she hands him a can) Go ahead. It's a name brand. (opens the can, then Malcolm drinks it) I know you didn't do this. You're a good boy. But I want you to help me with this.(the background music changes) This is serious. One of your brothers could've burned the house down. (shows Reese, but at a different time) And for that he will be severely punished. But the one who helps me will be a happy, little boy. (shows Dewey, also at a different time) And I want that to be you. (back to Malcolm) Because you always been the best one. (back to Reese) You always been the best one. (back to Dewey) You have always been the best one.

Malcolm: Mom, honestly, I don't know.

Reese: (different time) I don't know.

Dewey: (different time) Don't know.

Stanley: [to Francis]: Did they crack?

Francis: No, Dewey faked a stomach cramp. Bought them some time.

Stanley: Good man.

Cadet 1: Man, if we had your Mom in 'Nam, there would be a McDonald's at Hanoi Square right now.

Cadet 2: Dude, there is a McDonald's at Hanoi Square.

Cadet 1: (pause) All right. (the cadets bump fists)

Francis (on the phone with Malcolm): You have to stay together. You have to stay united.

Stanley: United against who?

Francis: (to Stanley) My mom.

Stanley: Nice.

(Lois has the boys pressed against a corner)

Malcolm: You tell her!

Reese: You tell her!

Lois: Who? (Malcolm and Reese start arguing) Okay, okay. Closer to the wall. (pushes them closer)

Malcolm: Wait. Mom. Seriously, it reeks over here.

Dewey: I can't help it.

Francis: Wait, a minute. Did you hear breathing?

Malcolm: What?

Francis: (pauses): Mom? (both Malcolm and Francis realize that Lois is on the other line; all the cadets break out)

Lois: Malcolm, would you hang up the phone, please?

Francis: Hi, Mom. Happy Anniversary!

Reese: (to Malcolm): Come on, we could get out of this. You have to use that brain of yours, think. Think! (grabs Malcolm's shirt)

Malcolm: (to the camera): All I could think about is how hard he's twisting my nipples. (to Reese) OW!

Lois: [to Francis on the phone): I didn't send you up there so you could undermine my authority!

Francis: Why did you send me up here?

Lois: Well, it wasn't so you could undermine my authority!

Lois: (angrily; on the phone with Francis) I cannot talk to you right now. You make me so mad, sometimes I just wanna break your neck! (pause) Did you get the cookies I sent you?

Francis: (smiling) Yeah, they were great.

Malcolm: (to the camera) The good thing about being smart is I never have to look up any phone numbers. The bad thing is, no one else in the family ever bothers to remember anything.

Malcolm: (about Lois) Either she screwed up or we're getting better.

[edit] "Home Alone 4" [1.3]

Lois: Hi! We're just calling to check in. Let me speak with Francis.

Dewey: He's...in the bathroom.

Lois: Oh. Well, let me talk to Malcolm.

Dewey: He's...in the bathroom.

Lois: They're both in the bathroom? What are they doing in there?

Dewey: I have to go to the bathroom. [hangs up]

[After cleaning up the house]

Reese: It's never been this clean before.

Malcolm: Uh-oh. It's too clean.

Francis: You're right. She'll never buy it.

[The boys start messing up the house]

Hal: Quick, we better hit the road.

Lois: Fine. I'll shave my legs in the car.

Nurse (to the Wilkerson boys): Oh, for God's sake. You boys again? And a head injury? You boys like to keep it interesting, do you?

Malcolm (to the camera): We kinda have history here.

(scene cuts to Reese about to hammer a nail to an aerosol can, then Francis balancing a knife on his finger and throwing it into the air, Malcolm nodding off while holding a pair of scissors with the sharp points to his head while Reese approaches behind him about to pop a balloon, then we see Malcolm rotating tires from a bike when Dewey opens his mouth and tries to bite the rotating tire)

Francis: Malcolm, you could have a concussion.

Malcolm: (to the camera) Concussion? I think he's making too much of this. (to Francis) Francis, there is no way that I'm... (Reese hands him a mirror and Malcolm sees the injury) ... get the car!

Malcolm: Mom: 62,437, kids: 0.

Lois: I can't believe we're going to this wedding. What a waste of time.

Hal: Oh, come on, I promise it'll be fun.

Lois: Hal, I'm not Dewey.

Lois: It'll be nice I can go a whole weekend without yelling at someone every 20 seconds.

[Sees a car tailing them from the rear view mirror]'

Lois: Either stay back or get off the road, jackass!

Francis: Look, guys, I appreciate your sentiment. But they're not going to decide my whole future based on how I behave over one weekend without even telling me about it. It's too arbitrary. It's unreasonable.

Malcolm: It's Mom.

Francis: Okay, let's clean up.

Lois: Did you know that your family has given me a nickname?

Hal: That's nice. What is it?

Lois: Lois... Common... Denominator.

Francis: Did you guys see Circus break that cinder block with his head? That's a good lesson for you guys. It didn't break the first six times, but did he quit trying? No, sir.

Malcolm: You know how Francis gets when people tell him what to do.

[A flashback occurs with Lois and Francis]

Lois: I am warning you. If you get your nose pierced, you are going to military school and I mean it. Really. Do you hear me?

[Francis smiles and comes home hours later with his nose pierced. Lois is making dinner.]

Francis: Hey mom. What's for dinner?

[edit] "Shame" [1.4]

Malcolm: What do you mean he's only seven?!

Nurse: What's not to understand? He just turned seven. I guess you were too busy beating people to notice!

Malcolm: He CAN'T be seven. He's bigger than I am!

Nurse: He's in second grade! (cleaning up Kevin) Look at all this blood...

Malcolm: That's not blood, it's pizza sauce! Well that's blood, but...

(Caroline Miller enters the nurse's office...)

Caroline: Oh my God... OH MY GOD! What happened?

Kevin: (bawling) I want my Teletubby!

Malcolm: A doll?! You can't play with dolls if you're seven... WHY ARE YOU SEVEN?!

Caroline: You beat up a seven-year-old?

Malcolm: I didn't know!

Caroline: Malcolm, I don't blame you. I put this squarely where it belongs... (close to tears) On me!

Malcolm: (to camera) Oh, man. This is the most horrible thing I've ever done! (to Kevin) Kevin, I'm sorry!

Nurse: I think you've done quite enough.

Kevin: This is the worst birthday ever!

Malcolm: I can't stop thinking about what I did to Kevin. I feel like crap, and no one understands. Even you--you're supposed to be my friend and you don't even care.

Stevie: And yet...you keep...talking.

Dewey: I hate my brothers. I only like me!

Ed: Now we can see your house!

Lois: Well, let me tell you something, Ed. As far as I'm concerned, you and the neighbors should all just... (starts acting like a monkey)

Hal: That goes double for me. I want you all off our property, or I'll... (acts like a monkey, too, as well as Dewey and Reese)

Malcolm: How could they act like this? (scratches his armpit, then quits and realized what he just did)

[edit] "Malcolm Babysits" [1.5]

Malcolm: It's weird — I think I'm having a spasm. The muscles in my face keep pulling at my mouth. Oh! I think I'm happy!

Lois: [Entering the trailer] Ohh, this is cozy!

Malcolm: It's like a hundred and fifty degrees in here!

Reese: My butt is sweating...

Lois: It just needs to air out a little. [Reese begins to take off his pants.] The trailer!

Francis: What did my Mom send me? (opens a box) Bug-infested cookies. As usual, a mixed message.

Hal: Look at that sky, Malcolm. Just think. Somewhere out there, all those stars and planets, there might be at this very moment a space dad who just got kicked out of his space trailer, who's looking down on us. Or would it be up at us? Or maybe sideways?

Malcolm: Trust me, Dad, they're all looking down on us.

(Hal and Lois are arguing when a car pulls up; Hal is in his underwear)

Hal: (yelling) What are you looking at?! Hey, this is a private conversation buddy. Huh!! (the driver stares while Malcolm tries to hide himself) Oh, yeah, like you've never seen this before!!

Malcolm: My mistake. I'm on the next street over. (Hal and Lois continue fighting)

Dewey: Mom, can I have a story?

Lois: Once upon a time, there was a little boy that made his mom so crazy she decided to sell him to a circus.

Dewey: An evil circus?

Lois: No, a nice one with monkeys.

Dewey: Thank you.

Lois: Keep it down!

Reese: Huh?

Hal: Don't talk to your mother like that!

Lois: Go sit in the corner!

Reese: There are no corners!

Malcolm: (to the camera) They trust me. People like these trust me. I, obviously, have to say something nice to them. This is why my family sucks. I have no training in this. (to the Inkster parents) This job... me like.

Lois: Say goodbye for a few days, boys. We're moving out.

Malcolm: This is humiliating. Why can't we just stay at a nice hotel?

Lois: Because we're giving all our money to the exterminators so they can stay in nice hotels.

Hal: Besides, son, robots are evil.

Malcolm: What?!

Hal: Westworld, Terminator, the creepy maid from The Jetsons... How much scientific proof do you need?

[edit] "Sleepover" [1.6]

Malcolm: Someone stole my friend's wheelchair.

Security Guard: What's it look like?

Malcolm: It's a chair... with wheels.

Malcolm: Stevie, are you okay?

Stevie: I... can't... feel... my legs.

Malcolm: That's not funny.

Francis: Finley, what are you doing in the cupboard?

Cadet Finley: Poquito Cabeza!

Francis: Get out of there, man.

Cadet Finley: I can't. I've been marked by the Brothers of the Apocalypse. Poquito Cabeza!

Francis:(scoffs) Brothers of the Apocalypse. It's ridiculous. It's five seniors with limited imaginations.

Cadet Finley: Easy for you to say. You've got Stanley protecing you and you're not holding Poquito Cabeza.

Francis: Would you stop saying "Poquito Cabeza"?

Cadet Finley: I can't and I'm not coming out. Uh, could you turn in my math homework?

[Francis takes Finley's math homework and closes the cupboard.]

Francis: Those guys are so lame.

Cadet Stanley:[doing chin ups] Amateurs!

Francis: (erasing Finley's name and writing his own) Poor Finley. He's good at math, right?

[The senior cult comes and finds Finley hiding in the cupboard. They take him away]

Lois: (answering the phone) Hello. (hears heavy breathing) Hello? Listen, pervert, this is the third time you've called. I have just about had it with...

Stevie: Is Malcolm... there?

Lois: Oh. Hi, Stevie. Sorry.

[Francis is hanging upside down]

Stevenson: You are hanging over a bottomless pit. In five seconds, I will cut the rope. Are you scared now?

Francis: I'm really not. No.

Stevenson:[dropping the executioner's hood] Why not? This stuff is way scary.

Francis: I'm sorry, but this feels so amateurish. I mean I know you guys are trying, but I been tormented by the best. Let me tell you a little bit about the master.

[Flashbacks occurs with Lois embarrassing a child Francis by yelling at the referee for a travelling foul. Then, it switches to a teenage Francis being more embarrassed by Lois as she shows his girlfriend his baby pictures in the photo album. Finally it switches to Lois in the boys locker room at Marlin Academy.]

Lois:[Yellng at Francis after he got out of the shower in a towel] It's an 8 inch scratch on the car, Francis. Do you know how much it's gonna cost to fix? If you think you are ever, ever, borrowing my car again, you are sadly mistaken. And I saw that tattoo, Jimmy. I'm telling your mother.

Francis:[flashback ends] And that's the stuff I didn't block out.

[The cult realises the scare tactic wasn't working and decices to try something new. They replace the photo of a tormented man with a photo of Lois.]

Francis:(on the phone) Mom, Dad, hi. Look something has come up. Sorry for the way I sound, but I'm calling from inside a washing machine. Don't worry, I'll be fine as long as... Oh, hi guys. How's it going? What are you doing with those quarters? No! NO!

[edit] "Francis Escapes" [1.7]

Lois: All right, I've had it! You two are banned from Nintendo.

Reese: OK! We're already banned from Nintendo.

Malcolm: [to audience] The sad thing is, he thinks he's outsmarted her.

Dewey: So then the monster started growling at me, so I threw rocks at him, and I killed him, and then he started flying around on rocket boost, and I got to ride inside his head, and now the monster's my friend, and we went--and we went to get Slurpees.

Reese: You did not, you just lied.

Hal: Reese, if that's what Dewey said happened, then there's no reason to argue about it.

Reese: No one believes me that I beat the last level in Mortal Kombat.

Hal: Because that's just ridiculous. No one beats Sub-Zero.

Francis [to Malcolm]: Good job, dip wad. You got me in the nards.

(After finding out Francis escaped)

Malcolm: Mom, I think he's okay. (Lois looks up, Malcolm turns to the screen) Uh-oh, tactical error.

Hal: What do you mean?

Malcolm: I mean, he's always okay.

Hal: Malcolm, I know you like Francis as much as we do, so if you have any idea...

Lois: Oh, for God's sake. (to Malcolm) WHERE IS HE!!!

Malcolm: He came here to see Beebee. He's meeting her tonight. (to the screen) Oh my God, how did she do that?

Lois: (gets up) I knew it. When did you talk to him?

Malcolm: Don't look at her eyes. Don't look at her... (Lois grabs Malcolm's head to face towards her) This morning and Dewey shoved a sandwich in the VCR. (points to Dewey and he acts surprised)

Malcolm: The worst thing is, I think I'm stealing pantyliners.

[edit] "Krelboyne Picnic" [1.8]

[Eraserhead's older brother grabs Reese]

Eraserhead: Kafkaesque, isn't it?

Reese: Huh?

Eraserhead: Never mind. Kick his butt, Alphonse.

Malcolm: In the wrong hands, these chemicals could make a powerful stink bomb. [looks at his hands] These hands look wrong enough.

[Later, after the "stink bomb" goes off]

Malcolm: Okay, the difference between a stink bomb and a level-three toxic biohazard is apparently two extra drops of sulfur tetraoxide. I'm totally suing that web site.

Francis: Hey, Malcolm, how many fingers am I holding up?

Malcolm: Shut up!

Reese: Analyze what I had for lunch! (burps into Malcolm's face while everyone laughs)

Lois: What I can't understand is how you can remember all those numbers, but you still forget to brush your teeth! (everyone laughs again)

Hal: Who's up for Burger Barn? (everyone cheers while the family drives off)

Dewey: Is Malcolm a robot?

Hal: (sighs) No, son. He's just very, very, very, very, very smart.

Reese: Hey, what am I thinking right now?

Malcolm: I'm smart, I'm not a psychic.

Dewey: Can you understand what dogs are saying?

Malcolm: No.

Dewey: I can.

Malcolm: Leave the squirrel alone and get the fire extinguisher!

Reese: A small pack of Krelboynes has ventured out of hiding to bask in the afternoon sun. Their defenses down, they are an easy target for nearby predators. They sense danger, it is too late! Their hesitation is fatal! Raahhhhhh!!!! (starts running after the Krelboynes while they start fleeing)

Malcolm: (about Malcolm's class picnic) There won't be any meat. They all decided they didn't want to eat anything that has a mother.

Dewey: Cousin Nancy doesn't have a mother.

Lois: That's right. She has two daddies.

Reese: Two guys as your parents? That house has to be a dude's paradise.

[edit] "Lois vs. Evil" [1.9]

Malcolm: It's been ten days since Mom lost her job. Yesterday for dinner we had macaroni and rice. Today, it's rice and macaroni.

Lois: (pouring Dewey a glass of milk) Drink your milk.

Dewey: It's lumpy.

Lois: Then chew it!

Reese: I'm not complaining! I'm constipated!

(After Lois returns the bottle of cognac that Dewey stole)

Lois: What do you mean "fired"?! You can't fire me for this.

Mr. Pinter: Sorry. Store policy is very clear about stealing.

Lois: But he didn't steal it; he returned it. It's right there. The bottle is perfect. You can just put it right back on the shelf.

Mr. Pinter: I already marked it out of inventory. My hands are tied here.

Lois: What are you talking about? You don't even do inventory. You foist it off on me because you make so many mistakes.

Lois: (stocking some condoms) Don't touch the microphone, register, candy, price tags. (Realises something is amiss) Steam Cleaner.

(Runs and catches Malcolm and Reese messing with the steam cleaner. They're both covered in soap)

Lois: BOYS!!!

Malcolm: It's not what it looks like!

(After Hal passes gas)

Malcolm: (to his brothers) The first one who laughs gets their ass kicked!

(Hal comes home to see Reese and Malcolm kneeling with their noses against a door kneeling indicating that Lois has punished them for messing with the steam cleaner at Lucky Aide.)

Hal: Oh, hello, boys. How long are you in for?

Reese: Another hour.

Hal: Yeaow.

Mr. Pinter: (realises Lois didn't sign her name, but has just given him a suggestion) It's not a signature.

Lois: (telling off Mr.Pinter) No, it's more of a suggestion. The horse you rode in is optional.

Mr. Pinter: Now look...

Lois: No, you look. I don't deserve this. The only thing I ever did wrong was doing all the work I did to cover your butt.

Mr. Pinter: Well we obviously have different definitions of wrong!

Lois: [Scoffs] Yeah, guess we do. For instance, I think it's wrong for you to put your name on sales report that you didn't write. I think it's wrong for you to keep a bag of herbs in your bottom left drawer. I think it's wrong you slept with the district manager's wife. And you want to know something, you don't have to worry about it because I also think it's wrong to blab this kind of thing. You know you should be so glad that I'm the only one who knows this stuff about you. Anyone else here would sell you down the river in a second. God, I am so much better than you!

[Lois walks away and Pinter thinks he's safe since she's the only one who knows. However, he soon finds himself cornered when he sees smiling faces of Craig and the other co-workers from the next aisle having heard about his secret, intends to tell the district manager. Pinter runs the other way and quits.]

Hal: (on the phone) Francis where have you been? I been looking for you for days.

Francis: I'm sorry dad, I've been buried here.

Hal: Ok listen, I got kind of a bad news, good news thing. Your mom lost her job and we're pretty broke. The good news is that makes your tuition an issue. I think I can talk your mother into letting you come home.

Francis: Dad, no I can't come home! Marlin Academy has been the best thing that has happened to me! I'm in a crucial stage in my rehabilitation.

[Dewey has just revealed an expensive bottle of cognac he just stole to Hal and Lois]

Lois: A $150 bottle of cognac?! How could you take this?!

Dewey: I'm sorry.

Hal: My god would you look at this thing. Can you imagine a man who pays $150 bottle of cognac. What do you think a guy pay for a pair of socks?

Lois: Dewey, what am I going to do with you?

Reese:[kneeling with his nose on the wall] This works pretty good, mom.

Lois: [ignoring Reese and takes the bottle from Hal] Go get your jacket, we're going back to the store. You are going to return this bottle to Mr.Pinter, apologize and accept the consequences.

[edit] "Stock Car Races" [1.10]

Caroline: I just come home to three screaming cats and Bob.

Lois: Who's Bob?

Caroline: My showerhead.

Hal: All right, men. Well, I hope you all learned something today, huh?

Malcolm (to the camera): I learned my dad is capable to doing something cool. I'm not saying violence is cool, but that was cool! I always wondered where we got it from.

[Malcolm and Reese are watching cartoons; Dewey gets in front of the TV]

Reese: What are you looking at, monkey boy?

Dewey: (hits himself) Ow! Ow! Ow! Reese!

Reese: What are you doing?

Dewey: (continues hitting himself) Ow! Help! Ow! Mom, help!

Reese: Cut it out!

Dewey: Ow! Ow! It hurts! Ow!

Reese: KNOCK IT OFF, YOU LITTLE...

Lois: (from the other room) REESE!! (approaches them) What the heck are you doing? Honest to God, you can't leave him alone for 5 MINUTES WITHOUT PICKING ON HIM!!!

Reese: I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!!

Lois: NO!

Reese: HE WAS LYING!!

(Dewey takes Reese's spot while the camera goes to Malcolm)

Malcolm: (to the camera) I gave him that.

Reese: Hookers?

Malcolm: As long as it's getting me out of square dancing, I don't really care.

Reese: We laugh our asses off.

Lois: Excuse me.

Reese: Butts. We laugh our butts off.

(Hal laughs while Lois gets some liquid soap)

Lois: (puts soap in Reese's mouth) Open. Swish. Spit.

Reese: (spits) This tastes like crap.

Reese: Do we at least get to see any flaming wrecks?

Hal: Reese, it's not about that. See, it's about strategy and technique. It's about the melding of man and machine. The wrecks are just sort of a bonus.

Malcolm: This place sucks. It's hot, it stinks, nobody's t-shirts cover their stomachs, and I'm bored out of my mind.

Lois: Malcolm, what is all that stuff from your teacher? That woman sends home two or three fliers every day.

Malcolm: She says she wants the parents to be involved as possible with the children.

Lois: At school? It's the only break I get!

Dewey: Reese put a booger in my lunch bag!

Hal: Dewey, what did I tell you about snitching?

Dewey: Only snitch when asked to snitch.

Malcolm: Dewey, stay over here. You're going to be lost.

Dewey: No, I'm not.

Malcolm: Yes, you will. You always do. (to Reese) You know, I could use some help.

Reese: I'm watching him. He's right over... (finds Dewey lost)

Malcolm: (to the camera) Man, how does he do that? (to Reese) Totally your fault. He was right in your eye line. You don't pay attention to anything.

Reese: I pay attention. (sees a half-eaten hot dog) Score! (picks it up and eats the rest of it)

Malcolm: What are you doing?

Reese: (mouth full) Too slow!

Reese: I have an idea.

Malcolm: Reese, no. Whatever is it, don't.

(Officer Carl enters the room)

Officer Carl: Well, I guess you boys had some time to think about what you've done.

Malcolm: Yes, sir.

Officer Carl: Look, boys, I used to be your age and I know how temptative a place like that can be, and you don't seem to be in any major harm, so I decided to let you off... (Reese punches officer and goes running to the door)

Malcolm: You idiot!

Malcolm: It actually was pretty bitchin'. I'm totally getting one of these for Christmas.

Reese: They wouldn't make it forbidden unless there was something totally bitchin' on the other side.

[edit] "Funeral" [1.11]

Francis [on the phone]: How did she die?

Dewey: Cats ate her face.

Francis: Dewey, I think you're confused. I'm asking about Aunt Helen.

Dewey: Cats ate her face.

Francis: Look, would you just put Mom or Dad on the phone?

[Dewey puts Hal on.]

Hal: Hello?

Francis: Dad, what happened to Aunt Helen?

Hal: Cats ate her face. Well, Dewey knows more about it than I do.

Reese: Mom, I think we should go to Aunt Helen's funeral. I mean, she was a good woman. It's the least we can do.

Lois: I don't know what you're trying to pull, Reese, but I don't like it.

Reese: Am I the only one that cared about her?

Lois: Yeah, you're the good one. Enjoy your moment in the sun.

Malcolm: I think is time to move to plan B: lying.

(Scene switches to the kitchen)

Lois: What book report?

Malcolm: I just remembered. I have a big book report due tomorrow, and I haven't even started reading it. (to the camera) Standard technique. You volunteer a small crime to distract them from looking for the big one.

Lois: So what's the report on?

Malcolm: "A Tale of Two Cities."

Lois: Oh, how many words?

Malcolm: 750.

Lois: Was that on your assignment sheet?

Malcolm: No, it's an addendum.

Lois: When did you get that?

Malcolm: Thursday. I didn't bring it home. That's why I forgot to do the assignment. (to the camera) Oh, nice one.

Lois: Well, I suppose that if it's school work.

Malcolm: (to the camera) That's the mislead. Wait for the reverse.

Lois: "A Tale of Two Cities." Who's that by?

Malcolm: Charles Dickens.

Lois: Oh, I thought it was Victor Hugo.

Malcolm: No, it's Dickens.

Lois: Is that the one with Jean Valjean?

Malcolm: That's "Les Miserables."

Lois: No, no. Isn't "A Tale of Two Cities" the one with Jean Valjean, where he says: "It's a far, far, bettering thin I do..." right before he steals the loaf of bread?

Malcolm: No. Sidney Carton says that before they behead him.

Lois: I thought you hadn't read it.

Malcolm: What? No, I said I hadn't written it.

Lois: And when is it due?

Malcolm: Tomorrow, I told you.

Lois: On "Les Miserables?"

Malcolm: Yes. No. "A Tale of Two Cities."

Lois: Which you haven't read yet.

Malcolm: Right.

Lois: But you just said you did.

Malcolm: No. I-I said I didn't... and then you said... it was Thursday, and... (shouting angrily) Look, I just don't want to go to this stupid funeral!

Malcolm: (goes up to the record player, turns it off, and yells to Hal) How could you let her see me in my underwear??!!! (storms off into bathroom) Mom, this has gone too far. You have to do something. It's not supposed to be like this. we're not supposed to Injure my friends, We're not supposed to let people see me in my underpants. We're supposed to be there for each other.

Malcolm: Oh, great, Mom guilt!

Dewey: (pours some juice) Darn it, darn it, darn it. Mom, I spilled.

Lois: So, clean it up!

Lois: I have had it! From now on, no one has to do anything. We could all just do whatever we want. And I want to take a bubble bath!!

Hal: Fine!

[They both walk away]

Malcolm: So, that's a yes on the concert?!

Lois [to Malcolm]: Did you call that girl?

Malcolm: Yes, I called her. I called her and told her I couldn't go to the concert, and now she's probably going to invite someone else.

Lois: Well, Malcolm, I'm sorry that my mother's sister, the woman who took care of me every day after school, had to die and incovenience your social life.

Hal: I have to get my speech ready, anyway.

Lois: Honey, you know you don't have to talk at every funeral we go to.

Hal: I wish that were true. You see how people look to me when they ask if somebody has a few words to say?

Lois: They're not looking to you; they're looking at you.

Hal: To, at... what's the difference?

Hal [to Reese]: Hey, you're taking a backpack to the funeral.

Reese: My back gets cold.

Hal: Fair enough.

Reese: Oh, Mom, a dead suit. (pause) Cool, a dead suit!

Malcolm: Mom, I can't wear Reese's hand-me-downs. Look at this, Jell-o in the pockets, the fly's broken, and it smells like wet dog.

Lois: You should be glad he only wore it the one time.

Reese: First of all this is all circumstantial.

[Tries to get up but Hal and Lois forces him to sit down again]

Reese: I don't know how that thing got into my backpack. As for this Aunt Helen business, no one knows what I would have done at that funeral because we're not going.

Lois: Who says we're not going?

Reese: You did!

Lois: Well, you can guess again! You are going to march up to that coffin and apologize to that poor dead woman! We all are.

Hal: All right everyone, in the car as is. We'll have to drive Creatively, But we might make it to the funeral on time. Chop, chop, here we go! Egg, come on!

[Hal is speaking at Aunt Helen's funeral. Malcolm, Dewey, Egg and Lois are impressed]

Lois:(whispering to Francis on a cell phone) Yeah, Francis. Your father's giving a speech and it's actually kind of good.

Man at Funeral: Can I have my phone back?

Lois:(to the man) I'm almost done, sweetie. (back on the phone) Oh, Aunt Helen looks just lovely.

[Reese has his nose on the wall as his punishment for breaking Dewey's present. Then he turns around, thinking Lois is distracted.]

Lois:[yelling at Reese] YOU TURN RIGHT BACK AROUND, MISTER!!!!

[Everyone looks at her as a scared Reese turns around to face the wall.]

Lois:(back on the phone with Francis, whispering again) You'll never guess what Reese did.

Malcolm:[After talking to Francis on the phone, he heads outside his room] I did a terrible thing today.

[Lois perks up and the rest of the family turns their attention to him]

Malcolm: I tore this family apart and I'm really sorry for that. But it isn't half as bad as what Reese did.

[Reese looks up and tries to stop Malcolm as he grabs the backpack and takes out the broken Mighty Man toy]

Lois:[grabbing the broken toy] Oh my god. Was this Dewey's present?

Dewey: Present?

Lois: Reese, how could you? Do you know how expensive this was? Hal?

Hal:[Gets up and grabs Reese's hockey stick] I'm on it. It was a terrible thing to do to your little brother.

Malcolm: There's more, he was going to bury it with Aunt Helen.

Hal: You were going to make Aunt Helen spend eternity with a crushed Mighty Man.

Dewey: Mighty Man?

Lois: I can't believe you.

Hal: This is a whole new low, Reese.

[Reese kicks a trash can to the ground.]

Malcolm: What is your problem?

Reese: You just couldn't keep your big mouth shut until after the funeral. Now, I'm gonna have to wait until another relative dies to bury this thing. It could be weeks.

Malcolm:[Talking to Francis on the phone] Then she slipped into the trash and ran off. I swear this whole family is flling apart.

Francis:[elated] Yes. I knew this moment would come. They don't have their scapegoat around, so everything goes to hell. No one realises that I'm the one who held this family together. Without me to blame everything on, they don't know what to do with themselves.

Malcolm: A scapegoat, thanks. [hangs up and faces the audience] He's right, this family needs a scapegoat. I started this, so I should be the one to end it.

Malcolm:[last line] Well it has been a very productive day. I made Julie Houlerman hate me, Reese is gonna kill me when we get home and right now Aunt Helen is personally badmouthing me to God.

[edit] "Cheerleader" [1.12]

News Presenter: [in Dewey's imagination] Boring, boring, boring. I am incredibly boring. Do you know who's boring? Me. Boring, goring, zoring, loring, doring, noring, foring - why haven't you changed the channel yet?

Hal: Boys, this talk is very important, so I'm going to need your undivided attention.

Hal: [in Dewey's imagination] It's very important that you be bored and squirm a lot.

Malcolm [to Reese]: Are you crying?

Reese: No, I was reading.

Malcolm: You don't read.

Reese: Just shut the door, Krelboyne.

Malcolm: Oh, my God, I'm a Krelboyne with a brother who's a cheerleader. I could wet my pants in public and it would be a lateral move.

Malcolm: The only thing worse than a guy cheerleader is the guy who never takes his hand out of his butt!

Reese: Oh, you mean Chester? He's a cheerleader too! He does a lot of solo work.

Malcolm [to the camera]: I tried talking to him, I gave him advice, I tried reasoning with him, there's only one thing left to do: Sit back and laugh my ass off!

Commandant Spangler: (screaming from his office) My mother was neither a Madonna or a whore! She was a damn fine woman!

Malcolm [to Reese]: Listen to the words: good, boy, cheerleader. Quit while you still have some dignity.

Reese: Oh, and let her think I'm a quitter.

Malcolm: You can't even remember a simple six-step routine.

Reese: There's six steps?

Malcolm: Yes. It's just right-left-right-left-reverse-pose.

Reese: You remember that by just watching?

Malcolm: You guys did it like ten times!

Reese: So, you know my routine?

Malcolm: It's not that hard.

Reese: But... you know my routine.

Malcolm: Yes, I do. Look, I know where this is going...

Reese: No, you don't. You're going to help me.

Malcolm: That is where I was going.

Reese: Oh, good. Let's get started.

Malcolm: No! Don't you know how embarassing this is?

Reese: I know what's more embarrasing.

Malcolm: What?

Reese: Getting beaten to a coma by a good boy cheerleader.

Reese: I'm just not coordinated unless I'm hitting somebody.

Herbie Doll: Dewey, have you forgotten me? I thought you were friends. All the other boys and girls on your street are my friends. They all bought me. Your parents have lots of money. They're just hiding it. But I didn't want you to buy me for me. It's for your own good. I didn't want to have to tell you this, but if you don't buy me, you'll die.

(Dewey gets shocked by getting wide-eyed)

Reese: What? I took a shower. Is that such a crime?!

Lois: Reese, is this going to be a daily thing. Because we're behind...

Hal: Honey, let me handle this. (to Reese) Son, are you on drugs?

Reese: No, it's just... why doesn't everyone just leave me alone?!

Malcolm [to Malcolm]: What are you doing?

Reese: Nothing.

Malcolm: You look different.

Reese: I took a shower.

Malcolm: I knew it!

(Malcolm hears Reese crying and opens the door)

Malcolm: Ha! You're crying. (Reese looks at him and is actually crying) Oh, man, you're crying.

Reese: It is about a girl.

Malcolm (to the camera): I should have backed off.

Malcolm: (to the camera) I know I'm gonna pay for this, but... (back to Reese) Reese loves Wendy! Reese loves Wendy! [gets chased by Reese]

Malcolm: Reese, why are you dressed like that?

Reese: I figured out what she likes. I started cheering for the football team, so I joined the cheerleading squad.

Malcolm: Why didn't you join the football team, doofus?!

Reese: She's a cheerleader!

Commandant Spangler [to Francis]: I am very tired off all the things you didn't mean to do. You didn't mean to come in 4 hours after curfew. You didn't mean to replace the morning relvery with a selection from "Trip Hop Wizard," tricky! Maybe I should rename this: "Francis' 'I didn't mean to' File!"

Dewey: Mom, Dad... I'd really like a Herbie doll. I know it's expensive but I don't ask for a lot, and I've been very good lately... (he's actually rolling on the floor, crying and kicking and thrashing) I want it! I want it! I want it! I want it! I want it! I want it! I want it!

Lois: Looks like he found the sugar.

Hal: Aw, doesn't he look like a little dust mop?

Reese [to Malcolm]: Does this look anything like a "Q"?

[Malcolm is helping Reese with his cheerleading]

Reese: Stick your arms out! We have to sell this.

Malcolm: Can you move your hand a little to the left?

Reese: Spread your legs!

Malcolm: No!

Reese: I said spread your legs!

Malcolm: No!

Lois (in the kitchen seeing the boys from the backyard; to Hal): It's time for the talk, Hal.

Malcolm: I'm not spreading my legs.

Hal [to the boys]: Now, I want to tell you what happens when a boy really, really likes a girl. And Dewey, I'll make this easy for you to understand. (looks around for toys and grabs a robot and a girl doll)

Malcolm (to the camera): Oh, man! I still play with that.

Hal: You see, there's a certain thing that happens between normal healthy people. It's called chemistry.(accidentally fires toy gun from the robot) Well, that doesn't happen, except maybe the first time. But what does happen is this. (imitates robot) "I like you!" (imitates girl doll) "I like you, too!" (back to normal voice) ... and if they love each other and take their proper precautions, they'll have sex, but I've told you that already.

Dewey [smiling]: Not me.

Hal: Well, ask your brothers.

(Malcolm & Reese give disgusted looks)

Hal: (giving the sex talk to the boys) If the boy is from our family, it goes a little more like this... (using the action figures to represent a boy and girl couple) "I like you." "I HATE you!" "Now, I LOVE you!" "LEAVE ME ALONE! Your insane neediness is driving me away!" "Look at me! Look at me, I'm crazy! Pay attention to me! I'm an idiot, watch me crash and burn! Woop-woop-woop, whoo!"

(Reese is sobbing loudly in the bathroom)

Malcolm: Come on, Reese. I really have to go! (bangs on the door)

Reese: I'm the most worthless, putrid loser in the world. Everybody hates me! I hate me! (resumes sobbing)

Malcolm (walks into room and sees Reese tearing up his uniform): What are you doing?

Reese: What's the point? You heard Dad! I'm doomed!

Malcolm: You can't quit! I worked too hard for you to quit now!

Reese: I hate to inform you, brain boy. It's not about you, it's about me!

Malcolm: That's before I spent an entire day with your hand on my ass!

Malcolm [to Reese]: Do you want to end up like Francis or Uncle Pete?!

Reese: I don't care anymore! Anything is better than this!

Malcolm: Even marrying Mom?

(Reese pauses)

Reese: I... I... Wendy?

Wendy: Did you say something?

Reese: Wendy, I really like you like a boy likes a girl, normal and healthy? I'm sorry for hurting you all those times. I'm really not a bad guy. Anyways, thanks.

Wendy: I like you, too.

(Reese smiles)

(Reese & Wendy are holding hands while on the pyramid and it collapses)

Malcolm: Oh, my God!

Stevie (having a hard time breathing): Call... 9... 1...

(All the kids are in pain and Reese & Wendy are still holding hands)

[Hal is watching TV]

Talking Cookie (on TV): So be sure to try the new and improved Chip-a-Roo cookie today. (in Hal's imagination) I can make you taller. I can make you better looking. If you eat enough of me, I can make you president. Maybe even emperor of the world.

Hal: Honey, can you give me a box of these cookies?

Talking Cookie: Make it 2.

Hal: Make it two boxes.

[Francis is in Spangler's office.]

Commandant Spangler: Son, what were you thinking? Stealing 200 frogs from the Biology lab and setting them loose on the highway.

Francis: I was freeing the alleged frogs, sir. Killing live animals in the name of science is inhumane.

Commandant Spangler: No. Inhumane is sitting in the car for 2 1/2 hours when I live 8 blocks from campus

[edit] "Rollerskates" [1.13]

[Reese is seen rollerblading through the house and sitting on the couch]

Lois: Wait a minute...somebody stepped in something...oh my God...oh my God! What a mess! Reese, what did you roll in?

Reese: Aw, man! [After inspecting the wheels of his skate, he begins wiping it off on the corner of the table]

[Lois opens her mouth to scream]

[...later]

[Lois emits a pained squeak]

Hal: You have to admit, it is kind of funny. Yelling so loud you actually throw out your back?

Malcolm: I know I look like an idiot, but I'm kickin' ass!

Malcolm [to Hal]: Oh, yeah. Well.. (car slams on brake; birds fly from a tree; feedback from the speakers wake up Lois from the other room) ... you. (to the camera) You heard me!

Malcolm: (sees Hal dancing and skating) Should I be impressed or horrified?!

Lois:[Busting Reese on the intercom] What are you doing!

Reese: Nothing.

Lois: Get a glass.

[Reese tries to ignore Lois by trying to drink from the milk carton again]

Lois: Don't you dare! When I'm well, I'm going to beat you blue, mister. Get a glass!!!

Reese: All right! Okay!!!

Dewey: Can I have some milk?

Lois: Yes... but get a glass!

Dewey: Okay

Reese: I wouldn't worry about that. Mom's feeling a lot better, Dr.Reese paid her a little visit.

Malcolm: What are you talking about?

Reese: Let's just say Pills and Sandwich, not effective. Pills and Milk, effective.

Lois:[grabs Reese by the collar of his shirt] Are you happy you crippled your mother? Are you?

[edit] "The Bots and the Bees" [1.14]

Malcolm: How many sodas did you have?

Dewey: (all hyped up on soda) I dunno, I dunno, I dunno. Wanna see me write on my tongue?

Malcolm [to Craig]: Wait, we need your help. My dad's going crazy. He hasn't slept in 4 days. He's smoking, he's dancing around in his underwear. He's ripping phones out of the walls. You've got to stop him.

Craig: Don't worry, son. I'll handle this. (opens the refrigerator)

Malcolm: What are you doing?

Craig: You don't expect me to tackle something like this on an empty stomach?

Hal: (answering the phone) Hello! Oh, hi, Mr. Jackson. Well, yes, I do have a very good reason for not going in to work today. Well, how about this? I didn't come to work because somehow I felt that eight hours of joyless, mind-numbing crap just didn't seem like fun. Well, I guess we're just going to have to agree to disagree. (hangs up; rips the phone from wall)

(When Hal is covered in bees)

Hal: Call animal control.

Malcolm: You ripped the phone off the wall.

Hal: Go to the neighbors.

Malcolm: They won't let us over any more!

Hal: Do something!

Spangler: Hello!

Lois: Who are you?

Spangler: Edwin Spangler. I am Commandant of Marlin Academy.

Lois: Good for you. Where's your eye?

Spangler: Pardon?

Lois: Do your ears work? Do you have some business with my son? He needs to rest.

Spangler: Well, I stopped by to pick up your boy's homework.

Lois: Homework?! You're not giving him homework. My son nearly lost his life - something that never would have happened if you'd taken proper care of him in the first place.

Spangler: Well, I assure you, ma'am, had it not been for Francis' long history of crying wolf...

Lois: Crying wolf? You listen to me, you idiot! My child is sick. He does not need you marching in here, puffing up your little chest, and making his life more miserable than it already is. Why don't you just go play "army man" somewhere else?

Spangler: (walking away) God, she is magnificent.

(Hal is slapping Craig's stomach on top of him)

Hal: Say uncle!

Craig: No!

Hal: Just say it! We can end this right now with a little dignity if you just say it.

Craig: Never!

Hal: One simple word.

Craig: Duncle.

Hal: Uh-uh, you said duncle. Now you gotta say "uncle" in my butt.

Craig: LET ME UP!!!

(Lois and Francis are at a gay rodeo)

Lois: Are you sure you're not embarrassed to be seen with your mother?

Francis: Nah!

(The camera backs up and we see teen boys with their mothers as well)

[edit] "Smunday" [1.15]

Malcolm: Mom said you ratted on us about Dewey's bike. But she's probably just mixed up, right? Because you're our big brother and you wouldn't do something like that... Francis?

Francis: You don't know what kind of pressure I was under. I...

Malcolm: (shouts) You butt-wipe! How could you?

Reese: I'm really adopted, aren't I?

Lois: No, you're ours, and we love you.

Reese: Damn!

Dewey [to Lois]: What's your favorite color?

Lois: For the third time... green.

Malcolm [about the letter]: I did the smartest thing, I gave it to Dewey.

Dewey: And I hid it under Mom's pillow.

Malcolm: You what?!

[Scene skips to Lois looking at the letter and looking shocked]

[A sick Lois is furious after she read a letter from a college involving Francis' prank.]

Lois: I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna kill him. I Am Gonna Him!

Reese: (acts like a ghost) Woooooooo, this is all a dream.

Lois: OH SHUT UP, REESE!

Malcolm: Mom, stop it, you're sick.

Lois: I'm too mad to be sick. He has finally done it this time. Where's the brochure to the work farm in Arizona.

[She finds the brochure for the Work Farm For Boys in Arizona.]

Lois: He thinks military school is tough. Just wait.... Wait.... Wait...

[She runs in the bathroom to throw up.]

Malcolm: You know, Francis, we never actually intended to show that letter to Mom. We were just trying to scare you.

Francis: I know, you guys would never do that to me.

Malcolm: But if she did see the letter, you know it was an accident, right?

Francis: Yeah, but Richie has the letter. Please tell me Richie has the letter.

Malcolm: Richie has coupons. Mom has the letter. But like I said, it was just an accident. I swear.

Francis: So the thing you were threatening to do all day but had no intention of doing you did, but didn't mean to?

Malcolm [to Richie]: Hey, you can tear up the house if you want - with my mom here - and explain it to her, or you can quit and slink away like the monosyllabic mouth-breaters you are.

Francis: What did he say?

Richie: He said a lot of things, but the gist of it is we have to tear up the house.

Francis: Put Justin on the phone.

Justin: You the man, Francis! You the man!

Francis: Put Richie back on the phone.

Francis: What are you guys doing home?

Malcolm: Mom's sick. She thinks it's Sunday. We kind of went with it.

Reese: Wait, how did you know Dewey's bike wasn't stolen?

Malcolm: That is a good one.

Lois: Francis told me.

Malcolm: So if we give you Dewey's bike, Circus will eat a wet dog food sandwich.

Richie: Right.

Dewey: Sounds good.

Richie: Ok then.

Francis:[stops Richie from taking the bike] Wait a minute, I don't want you ripping off my little brothers. You'll only get the bike if he eats the entire can.

Richie: Done.

Francis: No I guess, I deserve it. I shouldn't ratted on you guys. Mom was just pressuring me about coming home and I folded. She said if I wanted to come home for the summer, I had to tell her about the bike.

Malcolm: I never thought I be happy about a Monday, but today's the end of two months of being grounded. Two Months.

[The brothers are in disbelief and furious with Francis]

Reese: I can't believe it, Francis ratted on us to mom.

Dewey: No, he wouldn't do that. You did it.

Reese: Shut up, he sold us out. Francis is dead to us now.

[edit] "Water Park" [1.16]

Malcolm Ever since I can remember, we've always had trouble with baby-sitters.

[flashback]

Baby-sitter A: [cooing] Hello! Goochy, goochy, goochy, goo. Goochy, goochy— [screams as her finger is bitten]

Baby-sitter B: I don't know, sweetie; what do you have behind your back? [screams, running from the house]

Baby-sitter C [a man is locked in the closet by Malcolm and Reese]: You little losers, I've had enough of this! You open this door right now! Look, I'm a little claustrophobic, okay? Just open the door! Let me out! Come on!

[back to the present]

Malcolm: I don't know. I'm starting to think it might be us.

Spangler: You're never gonna be a winner... because you do everything half-assed.

Francis: You may have spoken too soon, sir. I think you'll find I play pool with my whole ass.

Lois: Do you think we're wealthy?! Wealthy people drive fancy cars. They have fresh pasta. Do we do any of those things?! NO! Wealthy people can afford any of their vacations ruined, no big deal. They just pick up and go again. Your father and I worked so hard, so long. What IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO?! ARE YOU ABORIGINES?! Every time I turn around, I hear someone screaming and fighting. And I pray to God that's someone else's children, but it's not, it's always you! Sane children would appreciate this. Are you even thinking? No, you're always at each other like a couple of rabid monkeys. It is not enough you two do this every day, but you have to make me suffer. Well, help me....

[Comes to the realization that Reese and Malcolm are up to something.]

Lois: Don't you dare!

[Malcolm pushes Lois down the slide by the finger and she screams.]

Attendant: Arms and legs crossed at all times.

Reese: That's the bravest thing I've ever seen you do.

Malcolm: Yeah.

Reese: You're gonna die.

Malcolm: I know. So, you think Mom's going to be okay?

[Lois pulls the two of them down the slide as well]

[Malcolm, Reese, and Lois fall down the slide. Thye're heard screaming and hitting each other]

Lois: This is the last time I'm taking you boys anywhere!

[the three go out of the slide as they splash in the pool. Hal, sitting in the stands with nachos in his hand, gets soaked. Lois continues hitting Malcolm and Reese in the pool.]

Dewey: (sobbing) Why can't I go?

Lois: Dewey, we've discussed this. You have to stay home because of your ear infection.

Dewey: I never get to go.

Lois: Honey, I know it seems like a pattern. It's just this... and Disneyland... oh, and that chocolate factory tour. Maybe it's time you stop sticking dirty things in your ears.

Reese: Hey, Dewey. How's the ear?

[licks his finger and puts it in Dewey's ear]

Lois: (slaps Reese) Stop teasing him, Reese! You know, if your father doesn't find a babysitter, nobody is going anywhere and let's see who's crying then!

Lois: BOYS!!!!!!!!

Mrs. White: You're eating my buttons.

Dewey: I wasnt eating. I was saving.

Mrs. White: What are you, a hamster? What were you saving it for?

Dewey: I don't know. I like it.

Malcolm: (on the water slide) Okay, on three. One, two, threeeeeeeeeeeeee... (gets up and gives up)

Reese: Mom, doesn't Malcolm have to wear his nose plug for his sinuses?

Malcolm: (whispers to Reese) Shut up.

Lois: Oh, that's right!

Malcolm: I forgot it!

Lois: Well, you just be very careful, then.

Reese: Don't worry, here it is.

Lois: Oh, thank you, Reese!

Lois [to Hal]: You are so cute when you sneak in alcohol.

Lois [to Malcolm]: I don't want to hear it! Either take care of this yourself, or I'm gonna lock the two of you in the car for the rest of the day! I mean it!

Reese [to Malcolm]: Hey there, girly. Let me adjust your bra strap. (grabs Malcolm's nose plug and smacks him) Now, we're even.

Malcolm [to Reese]: Don't you understand what you did? You give me out to Mom, and you have declared war, you won't know when or how, but I am going to get revenge.

Reese (laughing): Your voice is funny.

Malcolm: Lifeguard! Help! My brother! He can't swim!

(A man gives Reese CPR while a lifeguard approaches him)

Lifeguard: Sir, let the people who work here do that.

(The man gets off of Reese as he gasps for air)

Malcolm: Now, we're even!

Mrs. White:[After Dewey explained about Reese beating him up for befriending Egg.] Reese is a horrid boy.

[edit] Season 2

[edit] Traffic Jam [2.1]

[Reese is arguing with the driver of an ice cream truck who refuses to sell ice cream in the middle of traffic]

Reese: This is just wrong! You can make money and please children! This is a senseless act! You are evil! Pure evil!

Ice cream truck driver: Heh! If you kids are not willing to discuss this sensibly...

[The driver shuts himself in the truck]

Reese: You son of a...

Malcolm: Look, there's nothing you can do!

Reese: Yes, there is! I can... I can...

[Screaming, Reese runs forward and head-butts the side of the truck, then staggers back in pain]

Jessica: And the Nobel Prize goes to...

Malcolm: Hey, you're talking about my brother! Good one.

[Francis attempts to eat 100 marshmallow "quacks"]

Cadets: 61! 62! 63!... [horrified] 62... 61... [enthusiastic] 62! 63! 64!

Malcolm:[first line] Ok, here's the thing about my family: we don't go on a lot of outings together. But when we do, there's a little tradition that we always end up observing.

Hal:[talking to the security guard] When you say lifetime ban, I mean who's lifetime that you're talking about.

[Lois drags Malcolm and Reese by the ear while the security guard sends Hal on his way.]

Lois: Don't you ever ask me for anything ever again. I should've just given birth to chimps, then at least I know to expect this kind of behavior.

Malcolm: Believe it or not, I actually envy Dewey. He got to stay home and play with the babysitter.

Dewey: What time is it?

Lady: It's still 4:00. You have to wait at least a minute for the time to change, dear.

Dewey: What time is it in China?

Lady: Well, sweetie, I think they're a good 20 hou...

Dewey: Do you speak Chinese?

Lady: Well, no...I bet...

Dewey: Is Chinatown in China?

Lady: Honey...if you want an answer to a question, you have to first wait...

Dewey: (plays with his feet) What does this toe do?

Lady: You know what, I think I need a pack of cigarettes...for the first time in 20 years.

Dewey [singing]: A-B-C-D. A-B-C-D. A-B-C-D.

Lady: Honey, it's A-B-C-D E.

Dewey: I know. [singing again] A-B-C-D. A-B-C-D.

Lois: Who's damn dog is this!!! I SAID, WHO'S DAMN DOG IS THIS!!! (tries to open the truck door but is locked) Trapped inside, and all the window's rolled and it's 90 DEGREES OUT HERE!!! (no one responds) Okay! Okay! It's nobody's damn dog. So, I guess nobody's gonna mind... (picks up a rock) ... if I just do this. (smashes the window and peeks in and talks to dog) Oh, don't be scared, little doggy. Oh, everything is gonna be... (dog snarls and goes after Lois; Lois' face turns to fear as she takes off)

Lois: OK, let me get this straight -- we've been waiting all afternoon for a crane, and now, the crane is here!

Construction Worker: That's right.

Lois: And the man who works the crane? He's here, too!

Construction Worker: That's right.

Lois: THEN WHY IS NOTHING HAPPENING?!

Malcolm: What's the point of being out here?

Reese: So you can find stuff like this. (picks up a dirty sock) Hehe, smells like gasoline.

Hal: Oh, flashing the brights. It's gonna be like that, huh? (slams on the brakes while the car behind him honks)

Lois: Good Lord, Hal! He could have a gun!

Hal: All right, silver Toyota, you win this round. (lets the Toyota pass him by) Haha, get there two seconds sooner!! It's just an accident waiting to happen.

(The car wrecks into a truck and everyone screams, Hal slams on his breaks)

Ice Cream Man [to Reese]: That will teach you to mess with me. I was a surgeon in my country.

Lois: MALCOLM!! REESE!!! MOVE!!!!!

Lois: Dewey. Where's the baby-sitter?

Dewey: She's ran away.

Lois: You got rid of another baby-sitter? I can't believe you boys.

Hal:[being administered a DUI test by a highway officer] Z. Y. X. W...

Francis: Ok let me tell you something. If I say I could eat a 100 Quacks, you could take that as a bonafide guarantee. And there's no need to resort to personal attacks, I would hate to raise the issue of you wearing BOXERS in the SHOWER!

[Hal has just put both feet on the brake of the van to frustrate the silver Volvo.]

Lois: Oh good lord Hal, he could have a gun. Just pull over and let him pass.

[edit] "Halloween Approximately" [2.2]

[Malcolm and Reese take turns eating expired food from the refrigerator]

Malcolm: When was the last Christmas we had eggnog?

Reese: I think before Dewey.

[The carton hisses ominously as it is opened]

Malcolm: It's all you, man.

[Reese chugs the eggnog and begins gagging loudly]

Malcolm: [aside] This is a game that has no winners.

Reese: WE OWN YOU ALL! No one is safe. We are the kings of this block. Did you hear me, world? Violence...just...got...a...little...more...RANDOM!

Francis: Guys, Halloween isn't a date on the calender.

Reese: Yeah' it is. It's the 31st.

Francis: No. Halloween is in your hearts. Every time a little kid cries in fear, that is Halloween. Every time something repulsive ends up in a mailbox, that is Halloween. As long as you carry the spirit of destruction and vandalism in your heats, every day is Halloween!

Reese: No, look! It is the 31st!

The Boys: Diaper! Diaper! Diaper! Diaper! Diaper! (they throw it and watch with excited faces, then they later change to a disgusted one)

Francis: Well, let's not do any of those again.

Malcolm: Imagine if this was to fall into the wrong hands.

Dewey: I see an old lady!!

Malcolm: RELOAD! RELOAD!

[edit] "Lois' Birthday" [2.3]

Reese: We've established that, we're just going in circles here!

Reese: This isn't fair. Mom should have never taken us to a store that sells candy. She set us up!

Boy [to Lois]: Hey, lady, are you going to hog that cage all day?

Lois: (inside a batting cage) I got news for you, kid. I'm a grown-up with a credit card and no curfew. I could stay here all week if I want.

Reese: I'm lost. (Francis punches Reese) OW!

Francis: That's how Mom feels... on the inside.

(After Francis keeps talking to another girl)

Amaani: You're wasting your time. She doesn't speak English.

Francis: Oh.

Amaani: Which is just as well, because if she understood the crap you were feeding her, she'd laugh in your face.

Francis: I have my own problems. I have to go to a kegger, party with my friends, and make out with an African goddess with this hanging over my head. Come on, Amanni.

[edit] "Dinner Out" [2.4]

Francis: Hey I promised you girls! Not quality girls.

Abe: Sorry we're late, some jackass parked in the handicapped spot.

Hal (nervous and embarrassed): Uhh... excuse me, I think I left something in the car.

Lois: It was Kitty Kenarban, she invited a dinner.

Hal: Good for you.

Lois: I am talking about everyone. It will be nice to dinner out with decent people. I wonder why people never invite us to dinner

Hal: I think I see a couple of hungry seals!

(The boys act like seals while Hal throws the spaghetti in their mouths)

Francis: (knocking on Spangler's door) Sir?

Spangler: Go away! I told you I did not want to be disturbed. My aunt and I are... catching up.

Francis: I... I thought you said it was your mother, sir.

(Long pause)

Spangler: Go away!

Hal [to Lois]: Okay, here's the plan if we want to ditch out of this thing. At the beginning, I'll say that I think I might be coming down with something...

Lois: Hal, I don't want to ditch out of this. I'm looking forward to it. The Kenarbans are nice people, and they want to be friends with us.

Hal: So, you're saying I'm on my own here?

Lois [to the boys]: Now, remember, no throwing ice, no flicking butter at the ceiling, no sticking gum under the table, and no eating gum already stuck under the table!

Spangler (referring to the damage the local girls wrought): We got off lucky, this happened in 74 and we had to bulldoze the Ampitheater.

Abe: [Kitty] won't let me have butter on my bread. Butter. I haven't eaten the stuff in ten years.

Hal: How'd this happen? I mean, we weren't always this way.

Abe: Actually, I was. Classic story: raised by a grandmother and four spinster aunts. I used to wash their hair on Saturday nights.

Hal: Poor bastard. You never had a chance.

Abe: Damn it. Enough is enough! (gobbles down miniature slabs of butter and drinks a shot)

Hal: You go, Abe!

Francis: What are we gonna do, sir?

Spangler: We are going to do what any self-respecting member of society does in a situation like this: we're going to keep it quiet.

Joe: But they're destroying the school.

Spangler: Let's hope that's all they do, cadet. I'm afraid this is like an oil fire -- we have to let it burn itself out.

Francis: Oh, yeah, I forgot. One of them started an oil fire.

Stevie [to Reese]: Crying on command got me a cable modem!

[After Stevie punches Reese]

Kitty: Stevie, what the hell do you think you're doing?! You are in so much trouble! This behavior is totally unacceptable! We are at a restaurant. What is wrong with you? (Stevie is about to speak) Don't you take that tone with me! You just wait till we get home!

Reese: He bruised the bone.

Lois: Oh, like you didn't deserve it. (to Kitty) Good for you! I knew you had it in you.

Kitty: Shut your trap!

Waiter: Excuse me, don't you mind please keeping it down?

Kitty: Would you mind going to hell?! And I absolutely did order tea! How hard is it to remember a stupid drink order, you idiot?!

Abe [drunk]: Kitty, there's going to be some changes...

Kitty: (to Abe) And you, Mr. Ho Hos in his sock drawer! Who do you think you're kidding?

Lois: Honey, you have to pace yourself.

Kitty: (to Abe) And another thing, Don Juan. There are two people in that bed!

Malcolm: Whoa, interesting dinner. Stevie beat the crap out of Reese, his dad got drunk, and his mom went totally psycho. Oh my god, we're contagious!

[edit] "Casino" [2.5]

Malcolm: What sounds more idiotic: "Let's go to the desert, kids" or "Good idea, Dad"?

Dewey: I don't like ghosts. They eat little boys.

Reese: You know what nobody's mentioned, is that this is supposed to be the greatest army in the world, and you couldn't even kill the three of us. I gotta tell ya, I'm not impressed.

Malcolm: (sees some explosive devices) Okay, I just figured this out... RUN!!

Malcolm: That's not good, cougars don't just blow up!

Reese: As near as I can figure, I did it with my mind.

Malcolm: Reese! That's insane!

Reese: I wouldn't talk to me like that if I were you.

Hal (to an army general): Well, the thing is that when we saw the fence we did not know if we were going in or out, Malcolm, do you want to explain it?

Malcolm (terrified): No, I don't.

Reese: I'm thirsty.

Malcolm: Yeah, well, we would have water if some idiot hadn't used to it write a S.O.S in the sand.

Reese: Oh, I see. You people let me carry the water and all of a sudden I'm the idiot.

Hal: Dewey, I only have one phone call, so put your mother on the phone so she can come pick us up.

(Dewey puts the phone down)

Lois: Who was that?

Dewey: Wrong number.

[edit] "Convention" [2.6]

Malcolm: [referring to Dewey] I don't believe this! Here I'm supposed to be the genius, and I'm being outsmarted by someone who can't tie his own shoes!

[Malcolm and Reese are locked out of the house at night.]

Malcolm: What are we going to do now?

Reese: [falls into a cesspool via a trap they had set up earlier] AAAAAHHHH! Oh my God! What is this stuff?

Malcolm: Well, at least the night isn't a total loss.

Malcolm: Come on, Reese. Hurry up!

Reese: Sorry, I had to put the "lemonade" in the fridge.

Patty: Hungry?

Malcolm: I don't know what I am.

Patty (to Malcolm; on the phone with Francis) Francis? Is that Francis? Tell him it's Patty Henderson from 8th grade algebra.

Malcolm (to Francis): Patty Henderson says hi!

Francis: Oh, my God! Patty Henderson is your babysitter?!?!

Patty: Let me talk to him. Hi!

Francis: Don't let her... Hi... Patty!

Reese [about Dewey]: Hehe. He's cute! I hate him for being cute!

Malcolm [to Dewey]: You were gonna make her a card?!

Dewey: No.

Reese: You like glitter, Dewey?

(next scene)

Patty (walks in): Dewey?

(Dewey is a mess again)

Malcolm: This is what he is. He's a walking disaster area.

Patty (using baby's voice): Guess who needs another bath?

(Dewey smiles as Patty sends him to the bathroom)

Reese [to Dewey]: You, sitting around with your big eyes and your dopey voice. I have to resist hugging you myself.

Patty (about Francis): He was so nice, and so cute.

Reese: Yeah, I'm a lot like him.

(Malcolm rolls his eyes)

Dewey: What is that?

Malcolm: It's the cest pool.

Dewey: We have a pool?

Malcolm: It's the sewage of the house.

(Barbara & Tom are watching Hal fight Jack while Lois tries to stop them)

Barbara: Oh, for God's sake, Tom. Do something!

Tom: I'll refill your drink.

Barbara: Okay.

Dewey: I can dance... wanna see?

Patty: Okay.

Dewey (gets up and dances): Poopy, poopy, poopy, poopy, poop-y! Poopy, poopy, poopy, poo. (repeats over and continues dancing)

Malcolm (to the camera): This is embarrassing.

Tom [to Hal]: Well that was still good on how you got him to scream like a girl.

Hal (embarrassed): No, that was actually me.

(Hal and Tom are restrained by guards and both of them are sweating up a rainstorm.)

Hal: It's too late! Something snapped! I am way past the point of no return! We're talking primal animal urges! I'm gonna let nature take its course...AND KILL HIM!

Lois [to Hal]: In 30 seconds, I'm going to instruct these men to let you go.

Hal: (all worked up) Thank you, Lois. Thank you.

Lois: And then you will have a choice. You can indulge your primal urges with him, or... you can come back to the motel...and indulge your primal urges with me.

Hal: (looks at Lois, then at Tom, then at Lois again) Don't trivialize my anger, Lois! I mean, there are some things that you just don't try to talk people out of. (calming down) I have a legitimate situation here.

Lois: (sympathetic) I know, baby. (kisses Hal)

(Hal calms down whimpering. The guards release Hal and Tom. Hal and Lois leave, arm in arm, but as Hal passes Tom, he smacks him. Tom gets feisty, but soon realizes that Hal/Lois are leaving innocently.)

[edit] "Robbery" [2.7]

Lois: Craig, that button's been disconnected for a year now.

Craig: What? Why?

Lois: Because you kept pressing the damn thing.

Craig: In an emergency, that's what it's for.

Lois: Oh, "emergencies" like when you saw a bee. Or when you saw that big fly that you thought was a bee. What about the time you thought you saw a ghost?

Craig: I'm not saying that it was or wasn't, but you can't tell me that what we saw was normal.

Hal: That's strange. Why would someone fill this thing with hundreds of hanging bowties?

Malcolm: Those aren't bowties. Those are bats!

Reese: Does anyone want my baked potato? It's kind of burnt.

Hal: Reese, we didn't have any baked potatoes.

(Reese looks down and sees a bat on his plate)

Everyone (screams): Aggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

Hal: So, Dewey, how was school today?

Dewey: Mikey Duffy pushed me down today.

Hal: Well, did you push him back?

Dewey: No, he's bigger than me.

Hal: Uh-huh... Reese?

Reese: I'm on it.

Robber (cheery): How are you?

Craig: Good.

Robber (smiles): Good. (screams) NOW TELL US THE DAMN COMBINATION!

Craig: Trust me, anything you say won't hurt me.

Robber: Yeah, how about you give us all the money and every other cash register?

Craig: Oh, my God, a gun!

Lois: Craig, don't panic. We just give them the money from every cash register and they leave.

Craig: What about the safe?

Robber: What safe?

Craig: -ty, safe-ty of the customers.

Lois: Can we hurry this along?

Robber #1: Yeah, if someone would give us the combination.

Lois: Well, I can't, but the assistant manager can.

Robber #1: Great, what's the combo?

Craig: No.

Lois & Robber #1: What?

Craig: You can't have it.

Lois: Craig, yes, they can.

Robber #2 (pushes Robber #1 aside): Watch out, I'll get it. (takes gun out) WHAT'S THE COMBO?!?!?!

(Craig passes out)

Lois [to Craig]: Do you see the big buck knife that guy has? Do you want to antagonize him? Do you really want to feel that knife cutting through your flesh... (Craig starts passing out again) Craig, stay with me here. Damn.

Hal (to Dewey): Now, this last bat is tricky, son. You see, if he lands in our hair, he'll bite, get tangled, and keep biting. But if he lands in your hair, he'll just bite once. So, I want you to go in and lure him out. Okay?

Dewey (scared): Okay.

(Dewey makes his way in and pokes the bat with the pole; through the bat's vision we see Dewey's mouth open up then the scream comes out, and as the bat flies towards him, Dewey runs out of the room; as it gets to the doorway lots of white lines literally fill its vision up within 2 seconds; back in the family's viewpoint we see Malcolm, Reese, and Hal emptying three FULL cans of silly string on it)

Everyone: YEAH!! ALL RIGHT!!

Hal: Well, I don't know about you, but I sure feel great. (The whole house is a wreck; Hal sighs) Okay, somebody go get the broom and dust pan.

Lois [to Craig]: I am going to have to destroy what ever made you say that. But believe me, its for your own good. #1: No to anything your thinking, no to the buts, no to your what if's, no, no, NO, NO!!!! #2: (she grabs Craig's arm and twists it)

Craig (cries): Owwwwwww.

Lois: Remember that pain. Whenever something else creep's in your head other than the friendly hello I give you in the morning, you remember that pain.

(Lois gets up and leaves; Craig is shocked)

Robber #1 [to Craig]: Whoa, chubs, you got busted.

(Craig rises; Robber #1 is afraid, gets back, and goes to his partner; the two look at him)

Craig: You want this?! You want this safe?! You want this stupid-stupid-stupid safe?! (he lifts it up; the robbers are shocked) Here's your stupid safe!!!!

(The robbers get out of the way and the safe hits the floor and breaks open)

Robber #1: Cool.

(Robber #2 grabs the pack of money and the two take off)

[edit] "Therapy" [2.8]

Malcolm (to the camera): Okay, so I faked it. But with the family I have, it would've been only a matter of time anyway.

Malcolm (to the camera): I need to seem cured, but to leave the door open for a relapse when I start ballet next semester.

Malcolm: The tricky part is I need to keep this up without being put on medication.

Lois (cleaning up): Underpants, in a closet. Human underpants!! I must not threaten you people enough.

Reese [to Malcolm]: You look so adorable. You know what I like about medieval week is that you can spot the Krelboynes from super far away and they jingle when you hit them.

Hal (coming out of the shower): Reese, leave your brother alone. (to Malcolm) Although you are asking for it.

Lois [to Malcolm]: Where's your jester costume?

Malcolm: In my backpack. I'll wear it at school.

Lois: Put it on. I didn't stay up all night for my health.

Malcolm: Why don't you just put a bulls-eye on my chest and get it over with?

Lois: Oh, you look fine. (The bells on Malcolm's costume jingle) And Reese will tell me if you take these off.

Malcolm (to the camera): When I was six, I dove in a pool and my trunks came off. God, I wish I was there right now!

Caroline: Oh, come on. We've studied this. There is nothing dirty about the miracle of life. And we should all be able to discuss this openly.

Dabney: Who's the father?

Stevie: Does he... work here?

Caroline: All right, you know. I told you we are not playing this game again!!

Malcolm: Dabney has three dentist appointments every week. His teeth look fine to me.

Lloyd: He's not going to the dentist. He's going to the "dentist." It's the secret code for the school therapist.

Francis: Look at this, ever heard of fabric softener? These sheets are like sleeping on straw.

Cadet Martin: Hey, it was good enough for baby Jesus.

Francis: Get out!

(Cadet Martin leaves; Francis throws away all the detergent)

Lois: And when I do, we are all gonna clean up this disaster of a closet. It's gonna be our new family project.

Hal: We've never finished our last family project.

Lois: Because it's in here under two tons of crap!

Reese [to Malcolm]: You missed a great assembly. I can't believe it. They actually gave us fruit to throw at the Krelboynes. What were they thinking?

Malcolm: Don't you ever get tired of making their lives miserable?

Reese: Nope. Beside, I want them to remember who's boss when they're living in their mansions with their supermodel wives. They're gonna know the guy cleaning their pool kicked their ass.

Malcolm: I can't do it. I'm stupid and I'm terrible. I suck at everything.... AND I'M FAT!

Malcolm (sees Reese): What are doing here?

Reese: I figured out your scam. As it turns out, crazy runs in the family.

Malcolm: Reese, you don't know what your doing. You're gonna ruin everything.

Reese: Relax. I got it covered.

Mrs. Gilbert: I'm ready to see you now, Reese.

Reese (in a gravelly voice): Reese, isn't here right now. This is Davey.

Malcolm [to Reese]: What happened? Did you get caught? Where were you?

Reese: Geez, you're always so angry. Maybe you really do need therapy.

Malcolm: What I need is for you not to ruin everything for me. Do you know how much trouble we'd be in if we get caught. With Mom, with the school, WITH MOM!!

Reese: Give me a little credit, psycho. I've been doing my own research. (takes rental videos out) See, I rented Silence of the Lambs, Seven, and the Nutty Professor.

Malcolm: Oh, God! Reese, tell me exactly what you told her.

Reese: Nope. That's confidential. Now, which do you like more? Hannibal Lector or the hockey mask.

(There's a knock on door; Lois & Mrs. Gilbert appear)

Lois: Malcolm? Reese? What do you have to say for yourselves?

Reese: Don't blame Reese? Blame Davey. (Lois grabs his finger and breaks it) Ow, ow, ow, ow!

Lois: (while cleaning out the closet) Who are the Petersons? Why do we have their photo albums? Hi, Malcolm. How was school?

Malcolm: It was normal. Yeah, I'd say normal. Very medieval. (pointing in the closet) Is that a truck tire?

Lois: What? Oh, my... Hal!

Caroline: Okay, your Holiness, would you start the gay... as in happy... Harvest Possession.

[edit] "The Bully" [2.10]

Reese: I'm sick of being a bully. It's creepy.

Lois: Well, that's not fair! What do they expect him to do, beat up a girl?

Reese: I get to beat up a girl...cool!

Malcolm: Those guys are nuts. I'm funny!... Aren't I funny?

Lloyd: To be honest, you can be a little caustic.

Stevie: The word... is arrogant.

Dabney: How about bitter, sarcastic and handsome? (Lloyd and Stevie stare at him) (points somewhere) Hey, she's cute.

Rick [to Malcolm]: Remember me? "Moby Rick"? (sarcastically) That was so hilarious.

Malcolm: I never called you Moby Rick. I called you Rickapotamus, although... (Rick punches him)

Malcolm: You're talking about joining a cult, Reese!

Reese: My name isn't Reese anymore.

Malcolm: Then what is it?

Reese: I don't remember, but it's not Reese!

Dewey: Is Reese a girl now?

Malcolm: No, Dewey, he's a woman.

Reese: Shut up.

Malcolm: Sorry, ma'am.

[edit] "Old Mrs. Old" [2.11]

Lois [to Malcolm about Mrs. Griffin]: You broke her arm?

Malcolm: She had my ball.

Lois: You broke her arm for a ball?

Malcolm: No, I already had the ball. I just pushed her away.

Lois: You pushed her and broke her arm for a ball?

Hal: Was it a special ball, son?

Lois [to Malcolm]: I talked to Mrs. Griffin. This is what's gonna happen. You are going there every day to help that poor woman until her arm heals.

Malcolm: Every day??!!

Lois: Not one word! Every day!! End of story!

Hal: Reese, an old woman's purse is a little boy's book bag... if he's European.

Mrs. Griffin: (as she is driving, she feels an itch inside her cast and let's go of the steering wheel) Ooh, damn cast itches like a Greek sailor. (Malcolm tries to turn the wheel) Stop pawing at me!

Reese [about Dewey's purse]: Dewey, you're wearing an invitation to an ass-kicking!

(As Mrs. Griffin starts complaining about other types of people)

Malcolm: (to the camera) I can't believe how horrible she is. I'm just gonna ignore her. (turns around and keeps hearing her complain more, then sees a loose blouse hanging as he looks over and sees Mrs. Griffin's robe open; Malcolm is shocked)

Reese [while throwing rocks at Dewey]: I'm trying to protect you!

Reese [to Dewey]: Dewey, I don't think you understand. Boys like me, we look at things like this. We see normal boy, Normal boy, and boy with the purse. Which one do you think we are going to hit?

Dewey: Is one of them fat?

Reese: It doesn't matter! That boy will be fat everyday. But the boy with the purse, he might not wear it again!

Malcolm: Hey, I think 45 minutes of rubbing out corns is worth at least an hour joyride.

(After being caught joyriding by Lois, all the Krelboynes leave except for Malcolm & Stevie)

Malcolm: Need some help, Stevie?

Stevie: Pop... the trunk.

Lois:[at Mrs.Griffin's Doorstep] Malcolm get your things, we're going home. I'm so sorry for all of this.

Mrs.Griffin: Sorry for what?

Lois: My son stole your car and was out joyriding in it.

Mrs.Griffin: Joyriding?! It was no joyride for me. I was passed out in the back seat.

Lois: What?!

Mrs.Griffin: I made a mistake with my medication and he drove me to the hospital.

(The Krelboynes are enjoying their joyride with Malcolm at the wheel. Soon the boys hide except for him.)

Malcolm: What? What's going on?!

(in slow motion, he sees his mother in a van passing by, both are shocked)'

Bully 1: Are you calling me a liar?

[Dewey hits the first bully with the purse. The second one is hit as well. The other two dodges it and then the four are sent running. Soon Reese is impressed when Dewey reveals the brick and tosses it on the ground.]

Reese: Nice.

Cadets: Sir!

Commandant Spangler: Cadets.

Francis: What's up, chief?

[Spangler punishes Francis by forcing him to stand outside and hold a rucksack full of rations and a sleeping bag.]

[edit] "Krelboyne Girl" [2.12]

Lloyd: Hey, check out the newbie.

Stevie: Fresh... meat.

Dabney: [to Malcolm] You no longer have to live in fear.

Malcolm: What are you talking about?

Dabney: The hazing we put you through is over.

Malcolm: What hazing?

Lloyd: Oh, come on! When we gave you the warped lunchtray. When we dulled the points on your pencils. When you sneezed and no one said "Bless you."

Dabney: I still feel bad about that.

Francis [to Malcolm]: I'm warning you, keep Mom out of your love life!

Malcolm: Mom has nothing to do with this.

Francis: Trust me, yes, she does — she will ruin it, I swear! Whatever Mom tells you, don't do it. And don't do the opposite, either! The way it's worked for me is... Actually, it's never worked for me.

Malcolm: Hi, I'm Malcolm.

Cynthia: Cynthia.

Malcolm: So, you're new here.

Cynthia: Yeah, my dad wanted to get away from Manhattan, but I think the real reason is that my mom's remarriage hit him pretty hard and he thinks that a new environment would help. The truth is nothing's been the same after my brother died in a boating accident.

(Malcolm is shocked, Cynthia pauses, then snorts)

Cynthia: Ha! Just kidding.

Malcolm: What?

Stevie (passes by them): Get... a room.

(Cynthia laughs)

Malcolm: Anyways, see you later, and I'm glad your brother's okay.

Cynthia: I don't have a brother.

Lois [to Dewey]: What are you doing?

Dewey (scrubbing): I'm killing the germs. I hate germs. Germs are scary.

Lois: Don't forget the germs in the oven.

Reese: Ooh, Malcolm. Having lunch with your girlfriend?

Malcolm: She's not my girlfriend.

Reese: I don't know. I think I see a spark. (bops Cynthia's nose) Boop!

Cynthia: Please don't do that.

Malcolm (to the camera): Yeah, that'll help.

Reese: Aw, she doesn't like to be touched. Well, maybe, I'll do this.

(Cynthia grabs Reese's arm and twists it, Reese falls on the table)

Cynthia: Now, say your body is composed entirely of snot.

Reese (sobbing in pain): My body is composed entirely of snot.

Cynthia (to Malcolm): Anything you'd like to add?

Malcolm: I'm good.

(Cynthia lets go of Reese and he walks off still in pain)

(Malcolm enters the front door panting)

Lois: What's wrong?

Malcolm: Some crazy new girl from school actually followed me home.

Lois: Really? Is she cute? Is this what this whole boxers shorts thing is all about. (approaches the door and looks through the peephole)

Malcolm: Mom, please don't.

(Lois sees Cynthia through the peephole and opens the door)

Cynthia: Hi!

Lois [to Malcolm about Cynthia]: You be nice to that girl. It's obvious she has no friends.

Cynthia: Thanks for inviting me to dinner.

Lois: Your quite welcome. I'm sure if my son wasn't a rude selfish little pig, he would have invited you himself.

(Malcolm is having lunch on a table)

Cynthia: Hey, Malcolm.

Malcolm: I want to sit alone. (Cynthia sits down next to him) Yeah, hi.

Cynthia: So, I signed us up as lab partners.

Malcolm: You know, you're always near me. Wouldn't it be okay if you branched out a little?

Cynthia: I thought it seemed so cool that we have a thing together.

Malcolm (to the camera): Thing?

Reese: Malcolm, can you ask your girlfriend to pass the potatoes? (Cynthia hands Reese a bowl of mashed potatoes) Malcolm, can you thank your girlfriend for me?

Reese: Malcolm, can you ask your girlfriend if she would like some more peas?

Dewey: We get it!

Cynthia: Looks like Lloyd and Dabney are having a pretty intense conversation. Did you know I could read lips? (imitates Lloyd) I've noticed that 80% of my Doritos are isosceles triangles. (imitates Dabney) Wow! I'm impressed. Wanna kiss? (Malcolm and Cynthia giggle, Cynthia imitates Lloyd) I was hoping you'd ask. Lemme take a bite of my sandwich first. (Lloyd takes a bite, Cynthia imitates Dabney) Waiting such sweet agony. (Malcolm & Cynthia laugh again; Cynthia imitates Lloyd) Okay, I'm ready. (imitates Dabney) Oh, no, I'm not. I just took a bite of my sandwich. (imitates Lloyd) Oh, you're such a tease.

(Malcolm & Cynthia both laugh again and look at each other and are about to kiss, but Cynthia snorts; Malcolm gets up and leaves)

Hal (phone rings): Hello.

Francis: You are the best dad, ever.

Hal: I am not. I'm a terrible dad. I never should've lied to you.

Francis: Well, the important thing is that this is all behind us and I've learned my lesson.

Hal: What's that?

Francis: That you are the best dad ever.

Hal: Francis, I don't feel much like talking right now. (hangs up while Dewey scrubs the phone)

Lloyd [to Malcolm]: Looks like you and Cynthia have some real chemistry.

Malcolm: Would you shut up!

Lloyd: No, see, it's a play on words.

Malcolm: I said shut up!

Cynthia's Dad [to Malcolm]: Why did you throw a brick through my daughter's window at 2:00 am?

Cynthia [about Lois]: Well, at least she didn't strip us naked and take pictures.

Malcolm (sigh): The night is young.

[edit] "New Neighbors" [2.13]

Malcolm: Reese, she's four years old. You're bigger and smarter... well, you're bigger than her.

Lois [to Hal]: What are you looking at?

Hal: Reese's report card, it is much better than last time.

Lois: Really?

Hal: Yeah, this time he used the exact same brand pen as the teacher to change his grade.

Lois: Look at that, he gave himself a "C" in math instead of "A+".

Hal: Yeah, it's subtle, nice attention to detail. He's really learning. Two months grounded?

Lois: 3 months, scrubbing toilets.

Reese [to Malcolm]: Relax. Everyone will think Josh is a thief. His parents will be tied up in court, and Emily will be thrown into a foster home where she'll bite her foster parents, who will leave her at the side of the road, and she can spend the rest of her life biting hillbillies on the interstate.

Malcolm: Yeah, and that kid, Josh, told everyone I was born with both sex organs and raised as a girl until I was five.

Dewey: Their gnome wants to eat me. It's evil.

Lois: They're all evil, sweetie.

[edit] "Hal Quits" [2.14]

Malcolm: (to the camera) You know, why plan my future when it's just gonna be a wall of paint crashing down on me? I'm just gonna enjoy being a kid again.

Craig: Francis, I want you to count all the malt balls. (hands Francis a clipboard and a pen as he walks off)

Francis: Should I start with the 40 in your belly?

Craig: I heard that... and I'm paying for those.

Lois: Boys, I need to speak to your father alone.

Reese: So? You have a bedroom, we're eating!

Lois [to Hal]: You quit because a 6-year-old told you your job was awful?

Malcolm: You should have seen it, Mom. He made Dad cry.

Hal: The boy was cruel... but fair.

Lois: There's got to be 500 gallons of paint up there.

Hal: There isn't... yeah, that's about right.

Hal: This is good meat loaf. New recipe?

Lois: Nope. Same as it's always been.

Hal: Ah, come on.

Lois: Oh, you know what, I ran out of tomato sauce and used ketchup instead.

Hal: Look out! Paint-a-lanche!!

Lois [to Hal]: You are gonna finish it!

Hal: (filled with rage since he can't finish the painting) Fine! You want to see me finish it! I'll finish it!!! (picks up some paint and splashes it around the board) How about some here... and there... how about there??? (suddenly pauses and looks at the painting and fixes a few things and completes it)

Reese: Awesome!

Lois: Hal, I can't believe you did it. It's beautiful.

Hal: (happily) I did it!

Craig: Any questions?

Francis: Which household product will kill me the fastest?

Craig: We're going to start you off with the cotton balls.

[edit] "The Grandparents" [2.15]

Malcolm: Mom, do you...do you like your parents?

Lois: It doesn't matter how I feel about them. It's not like I can trade them for someone else. You can't pick your parents. You're pretty much stuck with whoever you get.

Malcolm: I know.

Lois: At least I can be grateful that soon they'll be gone.

Malcolm: Back to their own home.

Lois: Yeah...that's what I meant.

Reese: If the future's gonna be half as bad as Grandpa and I suspect, the only survivors are gonna be mutants, coackroaches, and me. All living underwater.

Hal: We need a fridge. We can't store the meat on the porch forever.

Ida: What are you going to do when they come after you and throw you in the back of the truck? Are you going to read to them? Are you going to impress them with your giant know-it-all brain?

Lois: WHAT HAPPENED HERE?!!!

Victor: We can't be sure.

Reese: Grandpa gave me a grenade and it was going to go off. But Malcolm threw it in the fridge.

Lois: You brought a live grenade into my home. ARE YOU COMPLETELY INSANE?!!

Malcolm: What's going on?

Reese: Grandpa gave me a live grenade. It's really cool. You wanna hold it?!

Victor: No, no, no! It's for you, not him.

Malcolm: Oh my God! We have to call the police!

Victor: No! No police! No police, please! There's no reason to panic.

Malcolm: Yes, there is! You gave Reese a live grenade and he's a total idiot!

Reese: He's right. I am. I don't think I should have it anymore. Here!

Victor: No, this is live grenade. Do not let go of the handle, or we will die!

Reese: I don't want to die!

Victor: Don't worry, we must find the key and put the key back in, and everything would be fine.

(The key breaks; the two of them are shocked)

Victor: Because of what just happened, you want us to loan you $3,000?

Hal: Please. I know you're uncomfortable loaning to family, so let me be clear. With one phone call, I could have your asses thrown in jail for child endangerment. So, this money I'm asking for is not a loan. It's blackmail.

Ida: He's like your cousin Vaslefdt all over again.

[edit] "Traffic Ticket" [2.16]

Lois: Well, knock yourself out. My record is clean.

[Scene changes to the police officer arresting Lois.]

Lois: There is no way I have 16 unpaid parking tickets! The computer's wrong! You are not getting away with this!

Lois: I am not taking traffic school.

Hal: Honey, if you don't take traffic school, you'll get a point in your license.

Lois: I'm not getting a point in my license because I'm taking this to court. I did nothing wrong and I got three eyewitnesses to prove it. They saw exactly what happened.

[The camera comes up to Reese and flashbacks]

Lois: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...

[as Lois is saying "blah," Reese is taking gum off his shoe. The camera comes up to Malcolm and flashbacks]

Lois: Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack...

[As Lois continues quacking, Malcolm is drawing a pirate on his arm. The camera comes up to Dewey and flashbacks]

Lois: Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey...

[As Lois is saying his name, Dewey is driving the wheel as Lois is in the passenger's seat.]

Malcolm, Reese, & Dewey: You're right, mom!

Hal: I don't understand it. How can we get 16 unpaid parking tickets and not even know about it?

[The scene switches to Francis on the phone at Marlin Academy.]

Francis: Mom, just calm down.

Lois: I was in jail, Francis. Jail, all because you didn't pay your parking tickets. How could you gotten 16 parking tickets?

Francis: It's not my fault, you keep me stuck here. When I come home, I have so much living to do, I don't have time to look for legal parking.

Lois: You listen mister. Your irresponsible behavior has finally caught up to you and you are going to suffer the consequences. You are paying those parking tickets.

[After Lois tells Francis that he owes the family $747.13 for the unpaid parking tickets.]

Francis: This is totally unfair! None of this would've happened if you weren't such a reckless driver!

Lois: Excuse me??!!

Francis: When I park too close to a mailbox, I didn't endanger anyone's life.

Lois: I didn't endanger anyone. I was pulled over by a corrupt cop for a traffic violation that I didn't commit!

Francis: [sarcastically] Oh, but when I say I've been framed by the cops, you send me to military school! Ironic, isn;t it?!

Lois: That cop was out to get me!

Francis: Of course he was. Everyone's out to get you. And the neighbor's cat's the ringleader. Didn't you know that?

Lois: Ha-ha, you can laugh all you want, Francis. But until you come up with the money, you are not coming home.

Francis: Where am I supposed to get $700?! You're just using this to keep me here.

Lois: Yeah, that's right. It was the cat's idea.

Lois: Anything you break comes out of your allowance!

Reese: We don't get an allowance!

Lois: Well, now you know why!

Lois: Francis, I am not gonna let you weasel out of your responsibility. Because of you, we are done to one car until your father gets his next paycheck. Now you either come up with the money, or you don't come home.

Francis: Mom, its impossible. I'm in school. When I'm not in school, I have homework. When I'm not doing homework, I'm in detention. If I'm lucky, I have six hours free a week. At minimum wage, I wouldn't be able to make it home until Thanksgiving 2010.

Lois: You bring the yams. [hangs up]

Malcolm (sees the tape): Oh, my God! I can't believe it. Mom's... wrong.

Hal: Remember when I took that comedy traffic school? God, that was hilarious. A rabbi, a priest, and a minister come to a four-way stop...

Malcolm: Someone's got to gi...

Reese: Not it!

Malcolm: Well, then, someone can mail it to her any...

Reese: Not it!

Malcolm: Well, someone's got to be the person to...

Reese: Not it!

Malcolm: ... not give it to her!

Reese: I'm it!

Malcolm: HAHA! ... Oh

Lois: The tape is wrong. (gets up and leaves)

Malcolm: Dad?

Hal: You heard your mother. The tape... is... OH! (gets up towards Lois)

(Dewey walks up to the police car)

Lois: Dewey, it’s going to okay. Mommy is...

Dewey: Can you turn on the siren?

Cop: Sure. (turns it on)

Dewey: Yeah! [imitates siren]

Lois (to the boys after they got pulled over): No one make piggy noises, no one say they smell bacon, and no one claim that they're kidnapped.

Hal [to Craig about the security tape]: You will never mention a word of this to Lois.

Craig: But...

Hal: Uh Uh. Not one single word.

Dewey (comes up close): Got it?

Hal [to Lois]: I got to admit, it was sexy. Me having to bail you out of jail. (Lois looks at Hal) Well, it was sexy for me.

Lois: Oh, yeah, Hal. That was a real turn on.

Reese: Make a run for it, mom. We can be on the News.

[edit] "Surgery" [2.17]

Malcolm: [To audience] Nothing like two days in the hospital to make you appreciate your own home.

[Reese takes tub of popcorn from Malcolm.]

Reese: Gimme that!

Lois: Oh my God! Look at Malcolm's hospital bill! I can't imagine how much it would've cost if he'd actually gotten the surgery.

Hal: Well, there goes our summer vacation.

Dewey: So we have to pay, even though he was faking?

Malcolm: I wasn't faking! I was the one who found out they were wrong.

Reese: Well, if you're so smart, why didn't you figure it out sooner?

[Everyone stares at Malcolm]

Hal: Well, son, would you like to field that one for us?

Malcolm: [To audience] Nothing like ten seconds at home to make you appreciate the hospital!

Malcolm: Mom, my stomach hurts.

Reese: So does mine!

Malcolm: I'm not kidding, it's really sore.

Reese: Owwwww... it hurts.

Malcolm: Shut up, Reese.

Reese: I see spots! Mommy!

Lois: Alright! That's enough! I don't care what assignment you didn't do or what test you didn't study, you're still going to school.

Hal: You know, now you mentioned it...

Lois: Everybody's going!

Hal: Dewey, don't be frightened, but there's a spider next to you.

Dewey: Yeah, Dad. There's always a spider on Bacon Day.

Malcolm: Why do I have to stay in the kids' ward?

Lois: I'm sorry, honey, but you're six months too young to have an adult room.

Reese: I hear if you're really good, they'll put apple juice in your sippy cup.

Lois: Reese, give your brother a hug.

Reese: Aw, mom?

Lois: Do it!

Reese: (gives Malcolm a hug) If you tell anyone I hugged you, I'm putting you back in here.

Malcolm: Dewey, you're wearing my shirt.

Dewey: Am I?

Cadet Finley: I can't take this anymore. If I don't eat, I'm gonna pass out!

Cadet Drew: Yeah.

Cadet Finley: Who are you?

Cadet Drew: I'm your roomate.

Francis: The strike has been settled! (the cadets cheer) We got his magic hat!

Eric: What about the TV?

Francis: Huh?

Dewey [while playing a board game]: Hey, we look like the family on the box. (the family agrees) Can I be the little girl?

Hal: Not on my watch, son.

[edit] "Reese Cooks" [2.18]

Hal [to Malcolm]: Whatcha' doing there, son?

Malcolm: I have to prove Kepler's Third Law of Motion.

Hal: What's Dewey doing?

Malcolm: Coloring.

Hal: I better get in there.

Hal: Reese, do you know what empathy is?

Reese: No.

Hal: Well, empathy is putting yourself in other people's shoes so you can feel what they do. If you hurt someone, empathy makes you hurt as well.

Reese: Then why would you want empathy?

Eric: (seeing Francis' notes, which is a little sheet of paper) That's your half? (picks up a book) THIS IS MY HALF!!!!

Eric [to Francis]: YOU COPIED A PAGE FROM THE DICTIONARY!

Hal: We can hurt him… we can be parents again!

[edit] "Tutoring Reese" [2.19]

Mr. Woodward, Reese's history teacher: I just don't think you'd throw away the son who achieves for, well, Reese.

Lois: You don't think I'd sacrifice this one? Let me explain something to you. I would sell Malcolm down the river in a heartbeat to save Reese. Malcolm's gonna be fine no matter what happens. Maybe he'll have to go to junior college or start off blue collar, but he'll work his way up to management eventually. Reese is the one who needs saving.

Woodward: I don't believe you. No mother could ever be that callous to her own son.

[Francis appears in the window, pressed against the glass, while rain pours down and lightning flashes.]

Francis: Mom, please let me come home! I'm cold and I'm hungry! Please, I'll fix the roof, I'll paint the house! I'll do anything, Mom, please! Just let me live indoors, Mom! Please, I wanna be warm again! MOM, PLEASE! (sobbing)

[Lois smiles victoriously. Woodward looks rather apprehensive.]

Woodward: Maybe we can work something out.

[edit] "Bowling" [2.20]

Hal:[goes back to a photo booth near the door] Reese, get out of the photo booth.

[Reese peeks out jut in time to see the large man that he threw a bowling ball at, intending for Malcolm, waiting for him. He inserts a dollar bill in the booth]

Reese: You probably want your privacy. I'll get out of your way.

[The large man pushes him back into the photo booth. Reese is heard screaming as he is getting his ass kicked with photos to prove it.]

[Dewey fakes crying to Lois as she walks towards his room carrying a laundry basket.]'

Lois:: Not Buying It.

[edit] "Malcolm vs. Reese" [2.21]

Francis: How am I ever gonna decide which one of you to take?

Malcolm: You deliberately bought two tickets just to torment us?

Francis: No. Of course not. I bought them to see who loves me the most. Now, I know you both love me, but I bet one of you loves me a little bit more.

[Malcolm and Reese look dejected]

Francis: Come on, guys! It's Rage in the Cage. You should be happy!

Reese: We are happy!

Francis: You're not doing the happy dance.

Officer: There's no sign of forced-entry. You don't have any idea how they could have got inside?

Hal: It's a mystery.

Dewey: You left the window open.

Hal: ...Mystery solved!

Officer: What are you doing here again?

Hal: We're watching the owner's cat.

Officer: I don't see a cat.

Hal: We're not doing a very good job.

[Francis and his date are pulled over by a police officer.]

Officer 2: License and registration, please.

Francis: Officer, what did I do?

Officer 2: This car was reported stolen.

Francis: Oh, it's been reported stolen, huh?

[digs into wallet to find nothing but a small slip saying "It Gets Worse!"]

Officer 2: I'm not gonna ask you again.

Francis: Sir, I know this looks bad...

[Francis and the cop hears banging in the trunk]

Officer 2: Open the trunk!

Francis: Officer, let me explain...

Officer 2: OPEN THE TRUNK!!!!

[Francis unlocks the trunk as the officer opens it and finds Malcolm & Reese in the back tied up]

Officer 2: GET OUT OF THE CAR!!!!!!!

[edit] "Mini-Bike" [2.22]

Lois: What's the matter, Craig?

Craig: What does it say on this jar?

Lois: "Craig."

Craig: Well I'm glad someone around here can read. The jar holds fourteen pickles. I had three yesterday, two for lunch today, and one and a half for snack. And now there are six and a half pickles in this jar. Simple math indicates...

Lois: Are you counting the one in your hand?

Craig: Ok, false alarm.

Malcolm: So, according to your logic, a two-foot fall from a mini-bike is more dangerous than a six-foot fall from a galloping horse?

Lois: That was a long time ago.

Malcolm: Before... gravity?

Craig: (turns the truck on) I don't know why we have to go across town. It seems kind of silly.

Malcolm: Craig, I promise. It's the best ice cream in town.

Craig: Well, I'll be the judge of that.

[backs up the truck and runs over something, making a loud thud; he stops the truck]

Craig: What was that?!

[Dewey moves a rock out of the driveway to fool Craig into thinking that it was Reese's leg that he ran over]

Reese: (non-emotional) Ow! Ow, my leg! Ow! Ow!

[Dewey rolls eyes and hits Reese's bump. He begins sobbing and screaming]

Craig:: (quickly gets out of his truck, panicking) Oh, my God, what did I do?!

Malcolm: You ran over his leg!

Craig: Oh, no!

Lois: (runs outside) What happened? (sees Reese injured) Oh, my God, Reese!

[Reese continues sobbing loudly as Malcolm & Dewey look at each other and smile as their plan worked]

Craig: (leaving) Jellybean and I are leaving now. Once again, I'm very sorry. I can't even look you people in the eye.

[Once gone, Lois decides to call it even knowing her sons' plans got Craig out of the house.]

Francis: Sir, his shirt just came untucked when he was hugging his father. You can't yell at him for hugging his father.

[The cadet runs when Spangler turns his attention to Francis]

Hal: Francis!

Commandant Spangler: On no, I'm glad you saw this because this is exactly what I was talking about. Always underminding my authority, day in, day out. It's the same thing. Like when I made Cadet Dooley do 600 laps of the perimeter for an inside-out pillow case violation, Francis organizes a sit in. Or when I cut off the electricity in the 5th floor for contraband boom-box, he hijacks a generator for them. The boy lives to cause chaos.

Francis: He was hugging his dad!

Commandant Spangler: In front of his father he still defies me at every turn.

Hal: And everytime something like this happens, he challenges you.

Commandant Spangler: Every time.

Hal: Even though he knows he'll get in trouble.

Commandant Spangler: That doesn't seem to matter to him at all.

Hal: I understand.

Commandant Spangler:(turns to Francis) I will deal with you, later.

[edit] "Carnival" [2.23]

Reese: Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, puppies, ice cream, fat people falling over.

Malcolm: When your TV privileges are taken away, you have to do something for entertainment. This is totally a trade-up.

Lois:[after realising that Malcolm and Reese lied to them] Hal, get my bra!

[edit] "Evacuation" [2.24]

[edit] "Flashback" [2.25]

Reese: Ha ha. Stupid bug.

[Reese touches the bug zapper]

Reese: OW! OW! YOU STUPID... [Punches the bug zapper] OW!!

Francis: You're a liar, you're a liar, you're a liar!"

'[A police officer brings young Francis home and informs Lois that he had caught him taking a joyride on a steamroller]

Lois: Thanks, Officer. [turns angrily to Francis] What were you thinking?! GO TO YOUR ROOM!

Hal: I loved the way you sent the boys to their room...

Lois: Boys! Go to your room!

[edit] Season 3

[edit] "Houseboat" [3.1]

Lois:[on the phone with Francis] Absolutely not, Francis.

Francis: You're not listening, I could make $45. That more than what you or dad make.

Lois: You are going to graduate from high school.

Francis: Why spend the tuition? It's at total waste of money and we both know I'm failing.

[All is quiet for a moment.]

Francis: Ok, now we both know.

Lois:[Reading a document from the mail] Oh my god. It's Francis. He quit school. He's on his way to Alaska.

Hal: That's impossible, he just can't take himself out of school. He needs out permission.

Lois: No, he doesn't. [shows a legal document] He got himself Emancipated.

[edit] "Emancipation" [3.2]

[The Krelboynes are discussing their new teacher]

Stevie: What...a jerk!

Lloyd: Is that what we're going to turn out like? If I ever start acting like that, you have to promise to kill me!

Dabney: No! No more death pacts!

[After Francis has spent the whole episode trying to talk to Lois, she is willing to listen]

Lois: Francis, I'm listening...

Francis: This is what you get! This is what you get for the way you treated me! [Lois looks stunned] I'm going to Alaska, you're gonna be left without a son, and the horrible way you treated me is now a matter of public record!

Lois: [furious] I treated you?! We made sacrifice after sacrifice for you and you've caused us nothing but pain!

Francis: You want pain?! I got your scars, baby; three and a half years in that horrible school-!

Lois: We went without to pay for that school!

Francis: [sarcastic] Oh, maybe I should thank you?! Thank you, Mother, for making my life A LIVING HELL!

[edit] "Book Club" [3.3]

Lois:[Has just arrived home just in time by jumping over the fence to catch the boys with fireworks] BOYS!!! FIREWORKS!! FIREWORKS!!!

Reese: How did she?!

Malcolm: I don't know.

Lois: You boys are in so much trouble. I can't leave you alone for one second. I guess next time I go out, I'll have to chain you to the floor and tie you in the oven. You don't even pretend to listen. You might as well cut off your ears and throw them in the trash for as long as you use them. You are grounded for the next month!

[a police helicoper approaches Lois]

Pilot: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND AND PUT YOUR HANDS BEHIND YOUR HEAD!

[An arrested Lois continues punishing the boys as she gets on the ground.]

Lois: While you're being punished, I hope your friends are doing all sorts of fun stuff. BECAUSE YOU WON'T BE DOING ANY OF IT! YOU ARE GONNA SUFFER!

Lois:[drunk as she pours herself another glass of wine] So I come home from working a 10-hour shift and I see my boys. And they're covered in grass and and they're covered in paint. And they look at and all they could say is "Where's Dinner!!!"

[The women agree as Karen opens another's wine bottle]

Hal: You're not going anywhere. You're going to stay in your room with the door shut. Now Go!

[Malcolm, Reese and Dewey runs back into their room.]

Lois: If it weren't for me, my family would be naked, in trees and eating berries. Do they appreciate what I do for them? Nooooooo!!!

Karen: Lillian Miller's family just surprised her with a trip to Spain.

[The women are more upset]

Lois: You know ladies, I just realises something. Society isn't the thing that's making us miserable. I mean hell, we're society.

[The women cheered.]

Lois: No. No. Every single one of our problems can be traced back to that tight ass, overacheiving, marathon running, master chef: LILLIAN MILLER!

[Lois and the other drunk women walks down to Lillian's house]

Hal: I expect perfect behavior out of you boys tonight. Trust me, if you try anything, anything at all, I'll be on you like a rainbow on an oil slick.

[edit] "Malcolm's Girlfriend" [3.4]

Reese: You've just got to calm down, turn off your brain.

Malcolm: You can't just turn off your brain.

Reese: Sure you can! I do it all the time. Just watch...

Malcolm: [snorts] This is so stupid. You can't turn off your...

[Reese stands slack-jawed, staring blankly]

Malcolm: Reese? ... Reese!

[Reese wakes from his daze and holds his forehead]

Reese: Oh, man, how long was I out?

[edit] "Charity" [3.5]

Malcolm: We're not getting a saddle. This was just a mistake from the beginning.

[Malcolm explains to him in his ear about how cranky old people are]

Reese: Poor people. We want poor people

Dewey: It's God he found us.

Hal: It's not God Dewey It's just my crappy car.

Francis: Okay.

Lavernia: What did I say about backtalk?

Francis: Stop crying It's okay man.

Eric: No it isn't God you must of hate me.

Francis: Oh come on You're my friend I can't hate you.

Hal: You've been stealing money from the church.

Reese:[opening the closet door to reveal other stuff the same time Malcolm unveils what hidden under the blanket] And maybe some merchandise

[Upon realising the boys also stole an air tank.]

Hal: You stole Air?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU BOYS?! Do you ever stop and think about the consequences of anything you do. Do you realise the shame you could bring upon our entire family. Do you?!

Malcolm: Hey, I don't want to scare anyone. But this is the street mom takes home and she gets off in 10 Minutes!!!

[edit] "Health Scare" [3.6]

Reese: What's heartless is about going to a party with slutty girls?

Malcom: be cool

Hal: You went to a party, while I was here worrying!?

Dewey: can I have a napkin?

Hal: (He hands Dewey a napkin and yells at Reese) I cannot believe you!

Reese: (He lyes down) If you can't do the time, don't do the crime. See you Monday

(Malcom and Reese snuck back in the House by a secret passageway) Malcolm: I hope we get grounded next week (But when they open the door, they saw Hal upset) Lois: Hello boys Malcolm and Reese: AAH!

[edit] "Christmas" [3.7]

[Lois locks up the Christmas presents in the garage.]

Dewey: Ahh! She's stealing Christmas.

Malcolm: Mom, you can't do this.

Reese: Yeah, this'll be the last time Dewey believes in Santa.

Dewey: WHAT?!

Lois: If you boys behave until Christmas morning. There will be a Christmas morning. Otherwise these are going back to the store and Christmas will be cancelled.

[Ida opens a musical Christmas card and then slams it shut.]

Ida: You do this to torture me, to hurt me!?

Francis: You don't like Christmas music?

Ida: It sounds like a song they sang when they would ride through the villages and throw the babies into the fire!

Francis: [skeptical] They sang 'Jingle Bells'?

Ida: They sang something.

[Ida stabs Francis in the leg with her knitting needle].

Francis: Ow God! What the hell is wrong with you?!

Ida: You like pushing me. That's what happens when you push, big tough guy.

Francis: Why do't you just unhinge your jaw and finish me off?!

Ida: After Magnum P.I.

Reese: [to Lois] You wouldn't cancel Christmas! You're bluffing.

[Scene cut to reveal Reese crying over his burning stocking, proving Lois isn't bluffing.]

Dewey: We're going to get presents?

Malcolm: We're going to get presents.

Lois:[wrapping up some gifts while talking on the phone to Francis in Alaska] Just spend a couple of days with Grandma. You can leave right after Christmas.

Francis: I am not visiting that woman. She's evil and she hates me.

Lois: Francis, this is family! This is Grandma's first Christmas since your grandpa died and you live the closest. How can you be so selfish?

Francis: Well did you even invite her to your house?

Lois:[pauses for a minute] She knows she's always welcome.

Francis: Hey, maybe we'll get on a bus and surprise you.

Lois: Don't you threaten me, I am ending this discussion. You are going to Whitehorse. You're going to the drugstore to buy her a gift. And you both will have a proper Christmas.

[In one of the flashbacks, a Christmas tree is on flames and the smoke alarm goes off. Hal and Lois are seen running in front of it.]

Lois: Who did this? Who did this?!

Hal: Drop and roll, honey.

Lois: Who did This?!

Hal: For God's sake, drop and roll.

Francis: Well, look at that - 8:00 already, way past my bedtime. Where do I sleep?

Ida: You're sitting on it

Francis: Does it turn into a bed?

Ida:[sarcastically] Yes, it becomes a bed. It's a special magic sofa. It opens up for magic, lazy boy. And angels come out feed you grapes and sing to you while you sleep, and it flies around the room, granting wishes to boys who are stupid!

Francis: All right! It doesn't fold out!

Lois: I have had it!

[Dumps out the contents in the paper bag and turns off the lights to the Christmas tree. She is stuffing all the presents in the bag.]

Malcolm: Mom, what are you doing?

Lois: I am taking everything, every decoration, every present, every tree and I'm locking it in the garage. Every single Christmas, you three burn, break or destroy and I'm putting a stop to it.

[Hal is confronting Lois for cancelling Christmas]

Lois: I'm not cancelling it. I'm just taking it hostage.

Francis:[takes a look at the photo of Victor in his youth] Ugh, don't tell me that eyebrow thing is genetic.

Ida: You and him, both the same. Always had to have your own way. Nothing ever good enough. Always had to fight everything. Victor always had to be so independant. Left home when he was 11. Lived on his own, got to work on farm. Plowing the fields like a man. Worked 18 hours a day. Had to sleep with the pigs, but he never complained. He was strong. He made something of himself.

[Strugles with opening the trunk that contained the angel]

Ida: Nobody's like that anymore. Everybody's too soft.

Francis: Hey Grandma, why don't you let me help you with that.

Ida:[slaps Francis away] Your grandfather was tough. He didn't take anything from anybody. He was proud, a man of honor. He was a wonderful, wonderful man. [puts cigarette in mouth and sleeps.]

[Lois cuts the bottom part of the stocking to free Dewey's head]

Lois: I can't leave you boys alone for even one second without you trying to kill each other. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A HAPPY TIME!!!!

Malcolm: I don't know what it is, but mom freaks out about something every Christmas.

Ida: I'm not gonna pay those pirates!

Francis: Of course not.

[Gives Ida an envelope.]

Francis: Well in spirit of the season, let's begin this pathetic charade.

Ida: I never know what you're talking about. Talk like a jackass.

Ida: You'd like that, wouldn't you. You can't wait to get your hands on my things.

Francis:[Sarcastically] Oh yeah, Grandma. I have big plans for these doilies and I want those can of peaches that been in your shelves for 30 years.

Ida: Don't Touch My Peaches!

Ida:[searching for the musical Christmas Card Francis hid.] I'll cut off his hands and stick them to his katushnick.

[edit] "Poker" [3.8]

[At Francis's cabin in Alaska, a storm is blowing. Lavernia drops off a crate of supplies].

Lavernia: Weather report's right, this storm's gonna last a week. Now you ration these supplies, and make no mistake, you're the last ones we'll dig out!

Francis [incredulous]: We're supposed to survive a week on meat paste and caribou jerky!?

Lavernia: Hey, that's a week I don't get any work out of you! No use crying to me!

[edit] "Reese's Job" [3.9]

Barton: Wow, an entire colony of Cryphonectria parasitica.

Richie: Hey, get your own pizza, Dewey.

[edit] "Lois's Makeover" [3.10]

[edit] "Company Picnic (Part 1)" [3.11]

Lois: You sit.

[edit] "Company Picnic (Part 2)" [3.12]

[edit] "Reese Drives" [3.13]

[Hal and Francis are talking on the phone]

Hal: You've emancipated yourself, remember? You can't come running back to your parents for money at the first sign of trouble anymore!

Francis: I'm not running to my parents. I'm calling as one adult to another for an adult... loan.

Hal: No, no. You've made whatever mess you've made, and you take care of it.

Francis: I have been taking care of it! I already got Big Red to cut me the lumber in exchange for a pair of fur-lined boots. I got my friend Pete to make the boots, but only because I promised him a new set of teeth. And as you probably know, teeth don't come cheap! Now, that's where you come in-

[Hal hangs up]

Francis: [over pay phone] How many police cars are chasing you?

Reese: [over cell phone] I don't know; eight, maybe nine? What are we gonna do? There's no way out of this!

Francis: Hey, don't give up! Sometimes things look darkest right before the sun breaks loose-

[Five lumberjacks enter the room and stand behind Francis with their arms folded]

Francis: ...and sometimes you have to realize that the game is over, and that you've lost. The-

[Five more lumberjacks enter the room]

Francis: ...The only thing left to do is to stop running, stand up, and face the consequences like a man. And-

[Five more lumberjacks enter the room]

Francis: ...And even if the outcome is gonna be more horrible than you could possibly imagine, you can hold your head up high, show some class, and end it with dignity!

[Francis puts down the phone, swallows, and turns to face the lumberjacks]

Reese: Class...

Francis: [over the phone] FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! NOT THE STUMP ROOTER! NOOO!

[Reese hangs up]

[edit] "Cynthia's Back" [3.14]

Dabney: Don't stick up for her, Malcolm. If I wanted this kind of abuse, I'd have a conversation with my Oboe Teacher!

Reese: I know what her name is and I am not going to dignify that with a response. And her name is...

[He fails to call out Cynthia's name and touches her breasts. Enraged she punches Reese in the face and he falls to the floor]

Cynthia:[kicking Reese's ass] HOW COULD YOU BE SO CREEPY?! DON'T YOU HAVE ANY UTMOST DECENCY TOWARDS A FELLOW HUMAN BEING! I HAVE FEELINGS! I WILL BE TREATED WITH RESPECT! I WILL NOT BE OBJECTIFIED!!!! I WILL NOT BE HUMILIATED OR DEMEANED!! NOW KISS MY SHOE! KISS MY SHOE!!!

[edit] "Hal's Birthday" [3.15]

Lois: Boys, would you leave the room a minute so your father and I can talk?

Dewey: NO!

Lois: Excuse me?

Dewey: I'm not leaving. You guys just chase us out whenever you want without even asking us. I'm getting tired of it. Watching TV is the only thing to do in this house that's actually fun. So you're left with two choices: you can fight somewhere else, or get us a TV for our room.

[Later in the boys' bedroom]

Dewey: There's no reasoning with that woman!

Reese: So this is what a $24.00 hamburger looks like, I thought it was be as big as my head.

Dewey: Why don't we have a jacuzzi tub at home?

Malcolm: Because that would make us "happy."

[After the family learns Francis has gotten married]

Francis: Why can't you just be happy for us!?

Lois: We're supposed to be happy, when you repay us like this after all we've done for you!?

Francis: I'M CONFUSED! ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THE YEARS OF PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE, OR SHIPPING ME OFF TO MILITARY SCHOOL!?

Lois: Congratulations. You outlasted his paper route.

Piama: Lady, you don't want to stick your hand in my face.

Piama: Just because I'm not all classy like you....

Lois: Classy? You think I'm classy?

Piama: Don't laugh at me.

Lois: I'm sorry, it's just....this is a first.

[edit] "Hal Coaches" [3.16]

[Malcom is going through Ed's undeleted emails with Reese and Stevie and learns about his affair with half of the women in their neighborhood.]

Malcolm: Here's one from old Mrs. Swanbeck.

Stevie: Open the picture attachment.

[Malcolm opens the picture attachment and he is disgusted along with Reese and Stevie.]

[Ed has just learned about Reese reading his undeleted emails from his affair with the other women.]

Ed: Oh my god, how much do you know?

Reese: Everything. You might want to formulate your megabytes next time you get rid of your computer. Oh, and by the way, Mrs. Swanbeck, You are sick!"

Ed: "Keep your voice down."

[edit] "Dewey's Dog" [3.17]

[Craig witnesses Dewey holding Malcolm and Reese at dogpoint, and Dewey locks him in the house]

Dewey: I am sorry you had to see this.

[After remembering what Eric said, Francis found Spangler another job at the Snow Haven Retirement Home. He's seen in civilian clothing.]

Spangler: You call that a collage. It is an insult to the craft, I can see paste coming up over the top of the popsicle stick.

Inuit Woman: I'm sorry, I have arthritis.

Spangler: That's it, you have just lost pudding for the whole group. Feel free to thank Mrs. Meektijuk after I leave.

[the former Commandant Spangler leaves and the other eldery residents starts despising him the same way Francis and Eric did at Marlin Academy.]

[At the hospital, a sick Hal and Lois are on gurneys next to each other as an orderly is standing in between them, reading Hal's wedding vows.]

Orderly: You are my day, my night, the sun in my sky. You're the Duran to my Duran.

Lois:[touched, while sick] Oh Hal.

Orderly: Her name is Lois and she dances on the sand.

Hal: I don't understand, an entire roast gone, with your bare hands. The salad, the potatoes, the green beans. What do you have to say for yourself?

Dewey: I was hungry, I guess.

Hal: An entire stick of Butter?!

Reese: Now, lets tell them now.

Malcolm: Wait for it.

Hal: Wait a sec. How could you eat a candle?

Dewey:[Takes candle stick from Hal's hand and eats it.] I like candles. i think they're good.

[Lois is disgusted with him.]'

Hal: that's it, you are going to the hospital and having your stomach pumped.

{At the Hospital}

Hal: all right, Dewey. This is the end. You and your Brothers are now in the Red Zone

Dewey: but dad=

Hal: Red Zone, mister. Now tomorrow night, I am taking your mother out on an emergency date. It will be a beautiful, romantic, magical evening that we need very badly and nothing is going to derail it on penality of death.

[edit] "Poker #2" [3.18]

[edit] "Clip Show" [3.19]

Dewey: Can I have a piece of candy?

Psychiatrist: No.

[edit] "Jury Duty" [3.20]

[edit] "Cliques" [3.21]

Lois: Those dominoes are keeping Dewey from driving me crazy. And if they get knocked over, I will blame you. If a door slams shut and knocks them over, I will blame you. If there is an earthquake, I will blame you. If a condor dies in flight and crashes through our roof and knocks them over, I will blame you.

Reese: But that's not fair.

Lois: I WILL BLAME YOU!

Lloyd: Abandon all hope, ye who enter here...

Goth Leader: Is that from a Ministry album?

Lloyd: It's from Dante's Inferno. It's engraved on the Gates of Hell.

Goth Leader: Whoa! That's wayyyyy dark.

[edit] "Monkey" [3.22]

[Minutes later, cops show up as the neighbors watch Lois scale the tree trying to catch Reese]

Reese: Officer in need of assistance! Repeat, officer in need of assistance!

[edit] Season 4

[edit] "Zoo" [4.1]

Walkie-talkie: Hey, are those two kids still stuck in the tiger pit?

[Panic washes over the crowd]

Zookeeper: Uh, no, I must be picking up a transmission the zoo down the street!

Hal: Malcolm and Reese?

Lois: Malcolm and Dewey. Reese wouldn't last thirty seconds.

[Murray has invited Francis to scam Otto's money for what's it worth]

Francis: I think you're fired. (grabs a horse harness) Now I have to figure out if this is for me or the horse?!

[edit] "Humilithon" [4.2]

[edit] "Family Reunion" [4.3]

Hal: Hi Claire...... It's my sister I'm going to hang up on her.

[edit] "Stupid Girl" [4.4]

Stevie: My bad!

Stevie: What you get... for problem 17.

Malcolm: I drew a tank.

Stevie: What's wrong with you? For two days you been acting like an idiot.

Malcolm: No for two days, I've been like someone who's been happy and relaxed.

Stevie: You're... turning... into Reese.

[edit] "Forwards Backwards" [4.5]

Malcolm: Wake up.

Reese: What do you want?

Malcolm: I just want you to know you're not getting last licks.

Reese: Huh?

Malcolm: I'm sick of you always having an edge just because you're an idiot and I'm smart and I'm concerned about consequences. I can be just as vicious and shortsighted as you.

Reese: Oh, yeah, I'm really scared. Why don't you just- [registers that his arm is glued to his forehead] Gaa! What'd you do?

Malcolm: I sank to your level. And I have to say, it feels good.

[Malcolm and Reese speed towards each other head-on in go-karts]

Malcolm: [side] This is a game of chicken Reese is not gonna win! I'm too angry to blink! When he sees my face, he's gonna know he doesn't have a chance!

Reese: [singing] He's off and flying as he guns the car around the track / Slamming down the pedal like he's never coming back / Adventure's waiting just ahead!

Malcolm: [side] He'll stop! I know he'll stop! ...maybe this wasn't such a good—

[From a distance, a ball of smoke is seen rising from the track as they collide]

[A furious Hal and Lois are forced to miss Dewey's play by having to pick up an injured Reese and Malcolm from the hospital.]

Lois: I should've told the doctor to sew furs and tails on you boys because you're animals! Only animals are easier because then I can have you FIXED!

Hal: For all the good it does, you're grounded again.

[Reese and Malcolm are arguing and blaming each other for being grounded on their own birthday.]

Lois: Stop it. Malcolm, do you remember what you did for your birthday last year?

Malcolm: Nothing. I was grounded then, too.

Lois:(to Reese) And what about your birthday?

Reese: You grounded me after I smashed Malcolm's face into the cake.

Lois: And your birthday before that?

Malcolm: Pretty much this.

Reese: (to Malcolm) Wait. When did you push me off the pony?

Hal: All right, two scoops, fudge ripple. Now are we going to the comic book store?

Craig: (imitating Yoda) Patience, Luke. You are reckless.

Hal: We've gone to he beach, we've gone to the movies. I won you an animal at the church bazaar. We've gone out for coffee, lunch, Slushees, pie.

Craig: I can't negotiate unless I'm firing on all cylinders.

Hal: Just how many cylinders do you have?

Dean: This transaction does not concern you, Feldspar.

Bob: That's Craig Feldspar, he's a level 45 Dungeon Master.

Craig:(confronting Dean for attempting to sell Hal a $50 mark up of a bad comic book) What cereal box did you shake this out of, Dean?

Dean: It's the first print, totally collectible.

Craig: Oh, should we check the Overstreet? Wait, we don't have to! 1997: First and only printing. 50,000 returns all in circulation. I keep this in my bathroom, but not for reading. This isn't a comic book store, it's a novelty shop!

[Malcolm goes after Reese out of vengeance for stealing his money.]

Stevie: "They'll try you....as an adult!"

[Craig has just thrown coffee on the 'rare comic book of Spiderman]

Ricky: What are you doing?

Craig: Fear not. It was the 1993 re-print. If it had been an original, he would've thrown himself in front of it.

Ricky:[he and Bob are betrayed by Dean] Dude, you told me that was real.

[Flashback at the end Reese has a blueberry on his plate.]

Reese: Don't eat that blueberry, I'm saving it!

[Malcolm eats the blueberry.]

Malcolm:[last lime] What's the worst that could happen?

[edit] "Forbidden Girlfriend" [4.6]

Dewey: "He's my evil twin?"

Reese: "Fat chance. The guy's a saint. You're his evil twin."

Dewey: "But I don't want to be an evil twin!"

Reese: "I don't make the rules, Dewey."

Dewey: "I don't want to do this."

Reese: "If you don't do it, I'm going to tell Mom about you taking all that money. And you're going to get a 'Me' punishment."

[edit] "Malcolm Holds his Tongue" [4.7]

[After Malcolm suppresses his anger too long and ends up in hospital]

Lois: [incredulous] A peptic ulcer!? How did you manage to get a peptic ulcer!? The doctor said you had the stomach lining of a 60-year old air traffic controller! You are a teenager, for God's sake; what do you have to be stressed about!?

Malcolm: [finally loses his cool] For your information, I just spent the past 3 hours on a gurney next to a guy who was still trying to smoke out of the hole in his neck! And the jackass who put in this IV couldn't find a vein with two hands and a flashlight! My call button doesn't work! These stupid sheets are itchy! There's only one channel on the TV, and what's this about a bedpan...!

Reese: Hey, Mom! I grew an inch!

Hal: (points to the TV screen) Dewey, do you see that? That's air. That's air!

Dewey: That's it! I'm gonna read a book! I hope you're happy!

Reese (to Craig): Look who I'm talking to. You're a single, 40-year-old man with a cat. I bet you know all about the current music scene.

Alison [to Reese]: You're the one who had his license taken away!

Reese: Because my public defender wouldn't even try the insanity defense.

Reese: Craig! Craig! You just passed the concert.

Craig: Oh, no, I don't think so.

Alison: But there was a sign with an arrow and we're supposed to follow the pointy end!

Coach: How could we be losing against a team that hasn't won a game in three years?!

Malcolm (to himself): Maybe it's because you're a complete moron! You know I can shoot! Why won't you put me in?!

Lois: Malcolm! (enters from the bathroom) How many times do I have to tell you to hang your towel up after you used it?! Is that so hard? Because if it is, maybe I could take your towel away. And the next time you take a shower, you can run around the back yard until you're dry.

Malcolm: (to himself) Gee, Mom, wouldn't the front yard be more humiliating?!

Craig: This is great, isn't it? Alison's nice, but I have to say I think a date's better with just two people.

Reese: Can we stop calling this a date?

Craig: Well, whatever it is, I can't wait to see the look on my neighbor's face when I come strolling home past eleven. Eat your heart out, Mrs. Clevasol.

Reese: I think I missed my curfew.

Craig: There are no curfews on a night like tonight. (grabs a ukelele and starts singing) Here I am, the one that you love, asking for another chance. Understand the one that you love, loves you in so many ways...

Coach: Malcolm, do you think you could follow my game plan?

Malcolm (to himself; out loud): NO!!! BECAUSE YOU'RE A FREAKING IDIOT!!! I HATE YOU!!! I WANT TO KILL YOU AND DANCE ON YOUR SHALLOW GRAVE!!!! THAT'S MY GAME PLAN!!!! (nods yes)

Coach: All right, get in there.

Malcolm: Thanks. (blood comes out of his mouth and it spits on the coach's shirt)

Reese: Craig! You are ruining our date!

Craig: (slams on the brakes and looks back at Reese & Alison) Now look here! Do you know how long I have been planning this date? 34 YEARS! AND I'M NOT GONNA LET YOU LITTLE BRATS RUIN IT!!! We're gonna have dinner, a hayride, and a bonfire and it will be a night to remember that will live in our hearts FOREVER!!!

Alison: What's that on your face?

Craig: (takes his glasses off) What? (Alison pepper sprays Craig's eyes) Ahhhhhh!!!!! Reese, you said she would like me!!!!

(Alison is shocked and looks at Reese)

Reese: Yeah, let's ditch this loser.

(Alison positions to the pepper spray can on Reese too, implying that she will spray him next if he doesn't let her go her own way. Reese smiles as she leaves the car to attend the concert herself)

Reese: Okay, see you in school.

[edit] "Boys at Ranch" [4.8]

[Francis, Reese, and Malcolm are watching fireworks.]

Reese: How do we know which one is the Komodo 3000?

[Night turns to day for five seconds as the boys stare in silence.]

Malcolm: [shouting] Let's hope that was it!

Francis: [shouting] Did it say when our vision would come back?

Reese: [shouting] Box said two days.

Francis: [shouting] Totally worth it!

[Reese, Malcolm, and Dewey are preparing to go out on ATVs.]

Malcolm: All-terrain... I wonder if that really means ALL terrain.

Reese: They couldn't say it if it wasn't true.

[Later, Dewey's ATV is crashed upside down on a tree, with Dewey hanging from a branch.]

Reese: Okay, so trees aren't terrain. Now we know.

Francis: (shouting) You stay away from the horses, the vehicles, and the ATV's that means go to your rooms until further notice.

[edit] "Grandma Sues" [4.9]

Francis: Why don't we just kill the old hag?

Lois: Oh, stop it right now! And no one tells the boys about any of this.

Hal: You mean about killing her?

Lois: No, about the lawsuit.

[Lois and Hal just discovered they are pregnant.]

Hal: Are you as turned on as I am?

[edit] "If Boys Were Girls" [4.10]

Lois: Girls, don't do this. You're supposed to be easy.

Mallory: No, Mom. You're easy.

Daisy: We can fool you about anything. We're girls, we know how you think and we're not above using it.

[Daisy and Renee encourages Mallory to open up about the pen.]

Mallory: This boy dropped it in Biology Class. He chewed on it a little.

Renee: Oh, I am so sorry. I should've known that. I hate being Dumb! If I didn't grow such great hair, my head would be useless.

Reese: Why don't you just die?

Malcolm: Give me, my pen. I'm warning you.

Reese: Ooh, I'm scared. What are you going to do. What's the Baby gonna do?

[Malcolm decks Reese and watches him fall to the floor.]

Hal: [astounded] Malcolm, you can take Reese?!

Hal:[Interupting Lois's nice fantasy with her imaginary daughters] Damn IT, That's Enough!!! Now We Are Going Shopping And That Is It!!!!

[Reese, Malcolm and Dewey continues complaining as Hal drives them to the mall.]

[edit] "Long Drive" [4.11]

[Reese enters the house, talking loudly to disguise the fact he's being chased by the cops]

Lois: [resigned] I'll make coffee.

Hal: It's Hanson; make it decaff. [waves to the cops]

Dewey: Why do I have to be here? Why can't I go snowboarding with Reese?

Hal: Reese isn't snowboarding, that's just a lie mommy and daddy told you. Reese is in jail.

Dewey:[perks up] For how long?

Hal: A couple of hours.

[A tall and muscular inmate shows up in chains.]

Warden: This is Samuel. I would tell you what he's in for, but it's against the law for me to say it to minors.

Samuel: Cause in prison you got to make your own fun. When they're tossing punk kids like you and you. Whoooo, it's like Christmas for me. If you displease me, I will not hesitate to grab you by your pretty little neck. Just squeeze until your eyeballs bulge out of your head and pop them with a fork.

[Reese laughs, catching the attention of Samuel]

Samuel: You think that's funny?!

Reese I thought you were trying to be funny.

Samuel: So I got me a volunteer, huh. Well let me tell you cupcakes, of WHAT YOUR FIRST DAY OF BEING HERE GONNA BE LIKE?!

[A few minutes later Reese is seen scared.]

Samuel: And don't expect no flowers afterwards.

[edit] "Kicked Out" [4.12]

Malcolm: It's so weird at my house. Nobody ever answers the phone and my brothers are seeing who can go the longest without changing their underwear. I never thought I'd miss my mom. (pauses) I still don't, but I'm getting there.

Malcolm: What kind of father are you.

Reese: You still think Mom's coming back, after the way you screwed things up? Dewey, what do you think you're doing? I'm lighting Dad on fire!

Dewey: No way! I get to do it!

Malcolm: We'll all do it.

Colsen: No, you won't set your father on fire. I am going to tell your mother that you were going to set your father on fire.

Hal: Thank you Colsen for saving me. Boys room NOW!!!

Hal: Malcolm can take care of himself.

Craig: You're right. He's a genius ... which would make him attractive to rogue elements in our secret weapons programs. How long before some government scientist picks him up and surgically attaches him to some animal?

[edit] "Stereo Store" [4.13]

Reese: What do we need a babysitter for?

Hal: Because I want the house to be where I left it.

Dewey: I want a sundae and then some pizza, and then another pizza and another pizza sundae.

Reese: Don't step on the floor! Jessica said if I scrub the floor, she'd tell me how far Alison is willing to go with me.

Malcolm: Dewey, what are you eating?

Dewey: Carrot sticks. Jessica says we have to eat healthier. I don't know what company makes this, but I hate it.

[edit] "Hal's Friend" [4.14]

Dabney: I know you think I'm a mama's boy.

Malcolm: No, mama's boys are laughing at you... with their mothers.

Reese: (mocking Lois) Don't forget to sweep the leaves from my roof because I'm a mean old lady. Who cares if it's wet and slippery, the roof has to be clean because I'm stupid.

[edit] "Garage Sale" [4.15]

Craig:[after being pulled over. He gets on the ground] I'm cooperating. I never met this man before. I hated the constitution. I hate free speech. I'll snitch. I know nothing.

Lois:[After realising that Malcolm was telling the truth and sees Reese destroy the computer intentionally] That money isn't your's. He was going to rebuild out bedroom wall.

Reese: But you said I was in charge. That means I get the money.

Lois: No, it doesn't.

Reese: Then, why the hell do I want to be in charge.

Lois: Reese, this is helping you become a better person and building your self-esteem. Which is what you're obviously going to need if you are STUPID ENOUGH TO THROW AWAY $1300 THIS FAMILY DESPERATELY NEEDS.

[edit] "Academic Octathlon" [4.16]

Lois: Look, Reese. Some people are born book-smart. Others are born crafty and street-smart. You, I'm afraid, are neither.

Lloyd (to Herkabe): Sir, my mom said I am suppose to take a 2-hour nap on the bus or I'll get cranky.

Hal (to Dewey): Now say I love you!

Dewey: I love you.

Hal: Now say it with feeling!

Dewey: (with feeling) I love you.

Hal: Now say it without me telling you to!

Malcolm (to Herkabe): Do you want me to cheat?

Herkabe: Let's just call it "success advantaging."

[edit] "Clip Show #2" [4.17]

Lois: What makes you think I am going to die first?

Hal: Honey, you have that kind of personality. You operate at a very high level of stress.

[Flashbacks show Lois blowing up.]

[Lois puts down a box containing papers of a will she wants to write for the family.]

Hal: Why do we have to do this in the middle of the night anyway?

Lois: I will not have the boys see up writing a will. If they start thinking about a future without us, we'll totally lose control.

Hal: I'm telling you Lois, we are not equip to deal with these issues. We get into a giant, stupid fight every time we work on the will.

Lois: Hal, the last time we tried this was 10 years ago.

'Hal: And it lead to a fight. You called me thin skinned and overly sensitive.

[edit] "Reese's Party" [4.18]

Reese: Have fun in school today, suckers! I'll send ya a postcard from Whitehorse.

Malcolm: Reese, figure it out. It takes 26 hours to get to Canada and 26 hours to get back. Your backpack is full of food, and no one ever called Grandma.

Reese: [thinks] Wait a minute! I'm spending the entire weekend on this bus?

Donnie's Mom: DONNIE!

Donnie: Mom, wha... what are you doing here?

Donnie's Mom: Trying to hide how ashamed I am at your behavior and wondering where I went wrong.

Donnie: Mom, come on.

Donnie's Mom: Your father and I tried to give you the best life possible and this is how we're paid back.

Donnie: Mom, you don't own me. I make my own decisions.

Donnie's Mom: These are the decisions you make. This is the life you choose. Who's covering your shift at the Suit Outlet.

Dave:[smug] Dude, you are so busted!!!!

[Dave starts laughing shortly until his mother arrives. Francis, Reese and Malcolm are smug watching the whole thing.]

Dave's Mom: Don't you be so smug, David Alan Ferguson. Believe me, every one of your step-fathers with hear about this.

Donnie's Mom: You say good-bye to your friends and you get in the car, RIGHT NOW!!!

[Donnie and Dave leaves with their mothers]

[edit] "Future Malcolm" [4.19]

[edit] "Baby (Part 1)" [4.20]

Dewey: [on a microphone] Hello, my name is Dewey. The man with the balloon is my father, Hal.

Hal: [in a spotlight] Dewey?

Dewey: I'm the youngest of four kids, and I always get the short end of everything. I've never had a hot shower or a bed to myself. I'm the third person to wear this underwear. And yet, I've never complained.

Hal: Dewey, what is this about?

Dewey: Even when my parents decided to have another baby. And they told me they're inducing labor. And they picked a really interesting day to do it. Do you remember what day you picked, Dad?

Hal: Dewey?

Dewey: [echoing] What day did you pick, Dad?

Hal: It's Thursday! Just come down from wherever you are!

Dewey: Of all the days you could've picked, you chose this Thursday. Anything interesting about Thursday, Dad?

Hal: Will you stop this?!

Dewey: Anything at all you could think of that might be happening this Thursday?

Hal: Okay, Dewey, what is the big deal about Thursday?

Dewey: [echoing]It's my birthday.

[The listening crowd is shocked in disgust]

Hal: It is not your... [counts the days on his hand and realizes Dewey's right] Oh, God!

Dewey: Well, ladies and gentlemen, that's the story of a little boy who lost his birthday. If you have any thoughts or comments, my dad would love to hear them.

[Abe is seen at the house, in the kitchen]

Abe: So what can I do for you today?

Lois: Well you see, it has something to do with my mother.

Abe: I know mothers. She always brings that pecan pie with real whipped cream and she knows that's my one and only weakness.

Francis: Well our grandma is like that, except [darkly] she's a wrinkled sack of hate kept alive by the will to destroy.

Ida:[Just arrived at Lois' house with her bags and ciggarette in hand] Are you gonna open the door? Or should I lie down on the grass and feed the worms?

Francis: Oh great. Who opened the Gates of Hell!

Lois:[Walking and speaking in pain] Francis, you have to listen very carefully. i'm having contractions. i'm going into labor.

Francis: What?

Lois: I have to got to get to the hospital, and you have to get your grandmother out of here now!

Piama:[Ida walks by with several large suitcases] Come on Ida, let me help you.

Ida: Don't you have Rain Dance to do?

Lois: Bye Mom, great to see you, have a safe trip home! Don't forget to call us when you get [screeching] wherever! [You hear a splash, and everyone gasps]

Ida: Maybe I stay, just a few more minutes!

[edit] "Baby (Part 2)" [4.21]

Paramedic: I told you we shouldn't have stopped for coffee.

[edit] "Day Care" [4.22]

Dewey: Like Pastor Roy said, how God is so much bigger and wiser than us, and trying to see what He's thinking would be like an ant trying to see what I'm thinking.

Teacher: Yes, exactly. But we can trust in His wisdom, and have faith that He is watching over us.

Dewey: Like me with the anthill in my backyard. I spent days watching the ants, trying to figure out which ones were good, and which ones were bad, but they all just looked like ants, so I started smiting all of them.

Teacher: Well that's not...

Dewey: I was smiting them with the garden hose, and with lighter fluid, and with the lawnmower, and to be perfectly honest, I think I went a little crazy with the shovel. Those ants could have been praying to me all day, I wouldn't have heard them. There was nothing they could do about it.

Teacher: But, I don't think...

Dewey: Really, it's the same with us. There's nothing we can do about anything either, so why worry about it? Hey, this is making me feel better.

Teacher: Well, that's...good, but...

Dewey: I guess all we can do is live our lives with as much kindness and decency as possible, and try not to dwell on God standing over us with a giant shovel. Bye!

[Leaves Teacher wondering, and looking up worrying about God's "giant shovel"]

Reese: [singing to the tune of "Amazing Grace"]
Amazing race, how sweet the taste
That saved a wrench for me.
I once was in the lost and found,
Was blind, but found my keys.

[Francis and a rival member from another ranch are arrested.]

Agent: The United States Government is not to happy with the level of interest you created in this sector.

Francis: But what's the harm in pretending I'm from another planet? I mean all that stuff of UFOs about abductions and cavity probes, that's all made up, right.

Agent:[looks at his partner for a second] Yes, there are no aliens, but there are cavity probes.

[edit] Season 5

[edit] "Vegas" [5.1]

[edit] "Watching the Baby" [5.2]

[edit] "Goodbye Kitty" [5.3]

[edit] "Thanksgiving" [5.4]

(buzzer)

Reese: the Monkfish!! (searches drawer) Where are the oven mits?

Piama: Do you want me to look?

Reese: No, keep stirring. No placemats, no teatowels. I need something.

Piama: I'll get a towel from the bathroom.

Reese: No there's not enough time. It has to come out at exactly 5:38. Not 5:37, not 5:39.

Piama: Well, what are you gonna do?

Reese: There's only one thing I can do. (walks over to oven and opens it)

Piama: Reese nooooo!!!

Reese: Yes (grabs Monkfish with his bare hands and screams and pulls it out) Make me a space!!

Piama: Where?!?

Reese: Move the oven mits!!!! (Piama moves the oven mits and Reese sets the Monkfish on the table and shakes his hands.)

[edit] "Malcolm Films Reese" [5.5]

[edit] "Malcolm's Job" [5.6]

[edit] "Christmas Trees" [5.7]

Malcolm: We'll be profitable once we sell tree 67.

Reese: Cool. Why don't we just sell that tree first?

[edit] "Block Party" [5.8]

[edit] "Dirty Magazine" [5.9]

[edit] "Hot Tub" [5.10]

[edit] "Ida's Boyfriend" [5.11]

Malcolm: Who would've thought that sticking a metal spike through your tongue would hurt so much?

[edit] "Softball" [5.12]

Reese: (after kicking the fence to the junkyard and the dogs attack) Okay, it's obvious they hate shoes, write that down.

Craig: Hey, Lois, you're signing in for the softball?

Lois: I don't need to sign up, Craig. I'm coaching the team this year.

Craig: You are?

Lois: Yes, Stu was going to do it, but his wife was born again and ruined his Sundays.

Lois: You know what your problem is? You know why you can't accept my apology? Because you can't stand to be happy.

Francis: What?!?

Lois: You have an addiction to trouble. You need to have chaos in your life. You always have. I mean, look at you: you have a great job, a nice home, a wife, and you can't stand it. You have to come back here and pick a fight with your mother.

Francis: That's not true! I came back here because you've destroyed any chance any of us ever had for happiness. (to Malcolm as he walks in with spots of zit cream on his face) Tell her what a horrible mother she is) Tell her, Malcolm.

Malcolm: He's right! You insinuate yourself into every part of our lives just to make sure there's no place we're not miserable. Well, you're gonna turn me into a drooling infant like you did Francis.

Francis: Yeah! What?!?

Malcolm: I'm quitting the softball team!

Lois: You are doing no such thing, Malcolm. You had a chance to quit, but now we have a game. You made a commitment to a team, and other people are counting on you.

Malcolm: You can't force me to play.

Lois: No, but I can confiscate your paychecks.

Malcolm: You are pure evil!

Francis: How do you sleep at night? (holds up his old tricycle then leaves with Malcolm)

Dewey: There is a certain pleasure secretly controlling someone dumber than you.

[edit] "Lois's Sister" [5.13]

Reese: Hello, 24-hour party people!

Susan: I brought gifts for the other boys, too.

Reese: Yes! Sitting here looking interested finally pays off!

Susan [to Lois]: Why do you always say "always"? Don't you know how weird that sounds?

Lois: Don't change the subject! My God, this is the apple turnover all over again.

Susan: DON'T YOU DARE BRING UP THE APPLE TURNOVER!!!! Screw this, I'm not going to ruin a decade of therapy.

Lois: I'm talking to you!

Susan: I am not your puppet!

Reese: You don't understand the power of my brain, Malcolm. It's like a deep ravine that sits in total darkness. But once in a while, just for a moment, a brilliant shaft of light shines directly down into it. And that's the moment I will think of a genius plan that will get us into that Mustang.

Lois: Susan, you can't give them a car.

Malcolm: Mom, technically this is a transaction between Aunt Susan and us.

Reese: And I'm willing to hire a lawyer to enforce it. You want to go there, I'll go there.

Malcolm: This is torture. The car's just sitting there and no one can drive it.

Reese: Yeah, it's like that hot nun who comes around every year for the toy drive.

Susan: Oh, for God's sakes. All right, give me the damn kidney.

Lois: Thank you.

Susan: Don't get too excited. You know you were always the big one. We don't even know if it'll fit.

[edit] "Malcolm Dates a Family" [5.14]

Lois: Fine Mexican Food goes in the Trash.

Malcolm's Dated Dad: Do You believe in life after love?

Malcolm: No I am not Cher.

Hal: Get out of our neighborhood. we hate your guts.

Lois: We are never ever eating Luigi's Pizza again!

Hal: It's the owner of Luigi's Pizza called to apologize get your jackets.

[edit] "Reese's Apartment" [5.15]

Hal: (in an upset tone) NOOOOO... COMPLAIN... YEEELLLLLL... USSSSSSS!!!!!

Malcolm: Oh, boy. In this family, that's what we call "the closer." We now know that Reese is definitely not living here for the next few days. The only question left is who gets to take the credit.

Lois: Alright. Reese...

(The scene changes)

Hal: (in an upset tone) That... (speaks gibberish)

Malcolm: What's wrong with Dad?

Lois: Your father found out what Reese did.

Malcolm: What did he do?

Lois: Your brother...

(The scene changes)

Malcolm: Oh, my God! Did they have to evacuate?!

(Hal is speaking in angry gibberish)

Lois: (looks at Hal) Was that scramble or strangle?

Reese: What are you guys talking about?

Lois: You know what we're talking about! Last week, you...

(The scene changes)

Reese: I can name 3rd world countries where stuff like that happens all the time!

Francis: (while on the phone with Lois) Hi, I just got off the phone with your son, Reese. It's been over a week and you still haven't talked to him. Congratulations! The fraction of the family is now 2/5ths complete!

Francis: The minute a child is inconvient to you, you kick him out!

Lois: Francis, this is none of your business. You don't live here anymore!

Francis: Because you kicked me out!

Hal: If Reese is unhappy, he brought it on himself.

Francis: Really? So what's this like the 10th time he's "brought in on himself"? And, let's see, Malcolm's "brought in on himself" 6 times. So with my 28 times, that makes... 40 kickouts, 3 different kids and the only constant through all of this is you two.

Lois: Francis, that is not fair.

Francis: So when's Dewey going to "bring it on himself"? When's Jamie? Where is Jamie?

Lois: He's at the babysitter's.

Hal: Just 'til 5:00.

Francis: Who's apartment is this?

Reese: It's mine.

Francis: Reese, you can't live in a place like this!

Reese: Yeah, I can.

Malcolm: (sees Reese's apartment) Whoa! This place is awesome!

Dewey: One thing's for sure, I'd never ever leave this place.

Reese [introduces his neighbors]: Francis, this is Teddy, Lou, and George. (points to each of them) Divorced, separated, wife's doing the best friend.

George: Ex-best friend. (sobs) Excuse me. (leaves)

Dr. Lucille Armstrong [to Hal & Lois]: I've been in therapy for a long time. There's nothing that can shock me.

Lois: (thinks for a moment) Alright. Last week, Reese...

(The scene changes)

Dr. Lucille Armstrong: Oh, my God! What were the cats for?

Hal: We don't know.

[edit] "Malcolm Visits College" [5.16]

[Otto has begun a daycare for the children of guests to his ranch. Chaos is heard from within the kids' room]

Otto: We may have a problem. You remember how I wanted everything to be special for the children? So I went to the store and I got those cookies, and then I saw this old-fashioned hard lemonade. I bought three cases...

Francis: Hard lemonade? That has alcohol in it!

Otto: Yes, Francis, I said there was a problem!

[Leland, the Resident Adviser of the dormitory, confronting Lois]

Leland: I happen to be a control freak. If you get me fired, I can just find another job where I can be a control freak. Kinko's is hiring a night manager. Either way, I've already written negative evaluation emails of these kids to the Office of Admissions. All I have to do is hit 'send.'

Kid: She overloaded a wall socket, too!

[The kids abandon Lois]

Leland: And now you. Any freshman psych major can see it's obvious life didn't pan out the way you thought it would. So now, to make up for it, you have to run your kid's life.

Malcolm: [to the audience] I don't know who to root for!

Leland: Simple truth is, you're just too afraid to let go of the one thing in your life that may be a success. But hey, you don't have to take my word for it. Why don't we just ask the other mothers here and see what they think? [Looks around the hallway] Oh, that's right, there are no other mothers here! [Backs into his room] You just cost this floor their electricity privileges. [He shuts the door, and all other lights go out]

[edit] "Polly in the Middle" [5.17]

[Reese is burning ants with a magnifying glass]

Reese: [to an ant] Looking for a little picnic, huh? Looks like you've come to the wrong place!

Malcolm: There's one on your hand.

Reese: Ha ha! [aims the searing pinpoint of light from magnifying glass at his own hand] You've got a little surprise coming! Stupid ant...

[Stevie makes his first prank phone call]

Stevie [faking a British accent]: Hello?... Is your... refrigerator... [normal voice] Yeah, it's me... [hangs up]

[edit] "Dewey's Special Class" [5.18]

Malcolm: [horrified] They put you in with the Buseys?

Dewey: [sarcastically] Yeah, it's real interesting! Today, we learned about our greatest enemies: Mr Matches and Mr Talk-out-of-turn! [angrily] Oh, and I also got to see a crane lower a flight simulator into the Krelboyne class!

Malcolm: Oh, my God! Does Mom know?

Dewey: You're still alive... so, no.

Malcolm [to Dewey]: Trust me, I'm the good brother. I'm the one who cares about you.

Dewey: But you beat me up and make fun of me.

Malcolm: Only when you're being annoying. Dewey, I'm serious. How can I make you understand? The coolest person in the class... was me!

Dewey: Okay, I'll do it.

Hayley [to Hal & Craig]: You can't enter the tournament. You're going to look like idiots.

Hal: We're not done rehearsing. We'll be a lot better by then.

Kylie: No, you're going to look like idiots because it's a contest for kids.

Craig: It doesn't say that anywhere. I read the rules three times. And we're under the weight limit. You can call the manufacturer.

[edit] "Experiment" [5.19]

Malcolm: I gave him some food coloring and told him they were chemicals.

Reese: Guys! I made an incredible discovery! When you mix together blue and yellow, you get an entirely new color! [Holds up a test tube full of green liquid] I shall call it...blellow!

[edit] "Victor's Other Family" [5.20]

Malcolm: You know what else is strange.

Lois: What.

Malcolm: Have you heard a brid or a cricket or anything in the last two minutes?

Lois: No, everything has gone quiet as a graveyard.

[Lois and Malcolm turn around and gets scared to see an enraged Ida at Sylvia's doorstep]'

Ida: JUDAS!!!!!

Francis:[first line as he confronts Betsy the Cow and Thunder the Horse for sharing a stall.] Guys look, I like you both. You work hard, but you gotta realise how other people see this relationship. Dude Ranches have a lot of conservative customers so even though I personally don't have a problem with you two as a couple, this has to stop.

Mr. Deitrich: We froze Victor's pension because of the dispute with the other family, but you're absolutely right. Manitoba law says a common-law wife is entitled to her husband's pension. Even if the other family isn't willing to sign the pension, you will still prevail. But fitst you need to prove you're a common-law wife with DNA, mail in both your names, but I think you'll win.

Ida: Finally, a Canadian who isn't an idiot.

Sylvia: Ida I hope you know aside the restraining order, I have a knitting needle. All right, it's a crochet hook.

Ida: Listen to me, tough guy. I know about Victor's other pension. Victor worked for Paragon Brush from 1960 to 1964. Manitoba law states as common-law wife, I am entitled to that pension.

Sylvia: I really don't know what you're talking about.

Ida: The truth will burst out of the grave and strangle you and your whole family.

Lois:[walks towards Ida in a sotto voice] Mother, we'll discuss this later. If you don't turn around and leave, so help God, I'll rip the wig of your head and everyone will see your TICK SCARS!

[Ida and Lois faces each other momentarily.]

[edit] "Reese Joins the Army (Part 1)" [5.21]

Lois: Can he at least put some pants on?

Cop: Not until we get a good perp walk out of him.

[edit] "Reese Joins the Army (Part 2)" [5.22]

Hal: You know those nature shows where a wasp paralyzes a caterpillar, then injects it full of larvae? It stays alive for weeks, completely aware, feeling every little bite as the larvae devour it from the inside. I sat in a cubicle every day envying that caterpillar, 'cause at least he got to be on TV.

Francis:[shows Malcolm a legal document.] Malcolm, we need to talk. I know we've been avoiding this, but it's time to face facts. You should forge dad's signature declaring mom mentally incompetent. That way when dad goes to jail, you can get emancipated and I'll take custody of Dewey and Jamie.

Dewey: Strange, I always figured Mom for jail and Dad for the looney bin. Heh, life.

[edit] Season 6

[edit] "Reese Comes Home" [6.1]

[Reese is parachuting into a combat zone in Afghanistan]

Reese: I'm a lean, mean, fighting machine. I'm a lean, mean, fighting machine. I'm a robot. Robots are cool. Green Lantern fought a robot. I love Green Lantern. I love pie. Mmmmmm, pie. Wait why am I thinking about pie? I'm supposed to be thinking about something else. Does it rhyme with pie? Fly, by, cry, die, pie? Pie! No. Pie, Green Lantern, Fighting robot, fighting machine, me. I'm a lean, mean, fighting machine. I'm a lean, mean, fighting machine.

Malcolm: The Army. What do you expect from people who would give Reese a gun?

Lois: Oh that's right it's the Army's fault that your brother gets killed.

Hal: Now Lois, we can't blame Malcolm for stealing Reese's girl and causing this whole mess in the first place.

Malcolm: Huh?

Hal: Kids his age are nothing but raging hormones and hideous self-involvement. They are all immoral little creeps.

Lois: Don't defend him, Hal. Just help me make dinner.

Dewey: Great, angry meatloaf. Thanks a lot.

Malcolm: [to audience] I don't have to worry about Reese. All he has to do is lay low and not do anything stupid... Oh, God.

[edit] "Buseys Run Away" [6.2]

Hal: Wow! You guys are huge! And shiny!

Bodybuilder: Thanks mister, but we can always be huger and shinier!

Malcolm: What are you trying to do?

Reese: Mom hasn't made you do any of the crap she's made us do. Why's she being so nice to you?

Dewey: Because for the last three days, I haven't done anything wrong. You see, Mom doesn't yell and scream at us because it's the only way she knows how to talk; she does it because we do stuff that's bad. And if you don't do anything, she doesn't get mad at you. You understand? It's not her, it's us.

[pause]

Malcolm: Fine, don't tell us.

Lois: It's so sad about those kids. Someone should help them.

Hal: (Inspired) You're right, Lois. Someone is gonna help those kids. Someone's gonna help the crap out of them!

[edit] "Standee" [6.3]

[Hal walking by the large pile of garbage on his lawn]

Dewey: (muffled yelling) Dad!

Hal: Dewey?

Dewey: Daaaaaad!

Hal: Dewey? Where are you?

Dewey: I don't know! My garbage fort collapsed!

Hal: Can you breathe?

Dewey: Yes. But I don't want to!

[edit] "Pearl Harbor" [6.4]

Dewey: I'm supposed to do a 300-word report on how you're my personal hero.

Hal: Me? You think I'm your... hero?

Dewey: Dad, don't freak out. We had to pick one of our parents.

Hal: Every year that guy waits to see what Christmas decorations I put out and then finds a way to top it. I string lights, he strings better lights. I put out Frosty, he puts out an elf village. I put out Dracula, he does nothing and I look like a jackass!

[edit] "Kitty's Back" [6.5]

Abe: Even though the mashed potatoes are not supposed to come with the duck, cram them in there anyway whether the duck likes it or not.

Waiter: Ma'am?

Lois: The beef. Even though it's the carrots that are the problem, I'd like to exclude the broccoli.

Waiter: That may work as a metaphor, ma'am, but you're really screwing up your entree.

(Lois has just punished Reese for his prank against Malcolm by ruining a recording of Stevie's acceptance speech. He's seen carrying a full snake suit version of himself.)

Lois:(vaccuming the house) Reese, your punishment isn't over until that bathroom floor is soo clean you can eat off it. Which is what you'll be doing for the next three weeks. And get rid of that thing, it's disgusting.

Reese:(insulted) Disgusting?! If Malcolm made another him out of hair, you'll be throwing a parade for him right now.

[edit] "Hal's Christmas Gift" [6.6]

Dewey: Reese just came up with the most fun thing to do. Riding your bike through the graveyard. With your eyes closed. He smashed into this one gravestone, flew through the air, hit another gravestone, and landed in an open grave!

Reese: Lying in that hole was surprisingly peaceful. I no longer fear death.

Hal: You're the ones that turned your mother into a ticking time bomb. You just thank your lucky stars that she went off on an innocent bystander.

[edit] "Hal Sleepwalks" [6.7]

Malcolm: It's a good thing you weren't John Lennon's mother.

Lois: If I were John Lennon's mother, he'd still be alive.

[edit] "Lois Battles Jamie" [6.8]

Reese:Maybe we're just going about this the wrong way. We have to think outside the box. (to Dewey) If you were a diving board, what would you want someone to do with you?

Dewey: Take me ice-skating.

Reese: Don't be an idiot. That place is freezing, and it's always so crowded.

Dewey: Yeah, but they have good hot dogs.

Reese: Those hot dogs suck compared to the ones at the train station.

Dewey: Why would a diving board want to go to a train station?

Reese: How should I know? Maybe he wants to visit a relative!

Malcolm: Guys? Get back in the box.

[edit] "Malcolm's Car" [6.9]

[edit] "Billboard" [6.10]

[After Lois has noticed the boys about to deface a billboard]

Dewey: It's Mom! How'd she find us!?

Reese: I told you she's got tracking devices in our fillings! If you two geniuses had ripped them out like I did, we wouldn't be in this mess!

Lois: Reese, Malcolm, Dewey, you get down here this instant.

Reese:[bad Spanish accent] Misses, I don't know who you thinking we are. Your boys are different boys than we are being.

[the light turns on the stripper billboard; the boys back up and Lois rolls her eyes]

Reese:[afraid] Where's the back door for this thing?

Malcolm:[scared] It's a billboard!

Dewey:[terrified] We're so dead. This time she'll finish us.

[edit] "Dewey's Opera" [6.11]

Lois: Hal, get in this bed and go to sleep!

Hal:[grabbing a pillow and blanket] Oh, I'll sleep. I'll sleeep where I'm wanted.

[Goes over to the couch as Dewey continues to compose music.]

[At the Buseys classroom, Dewey is peforming his music.]

Zoe:[playiing Lois and singing] Are you coming back to bed? Or should I just order a crib for you.

Hanson:[playing Hal and singing] I'm not coming back. I don't like to be where I'm not wanted, especially if it on a big, giant bed.

[Dewey is inspired by Hal and Lois' fight in the master bedroom and writes down more music.]

Hal: A sale at Mattress King. Oh you must've laughed at me for swallowing that one. They don't even know the meaning of the word sale over there. Their everyday prices are a guaranteed rock bottom.

Lois: You are working yourself to get your own way. You always do that, Hal.

[edit] "Living Will" [6.12]

[Hal and Lois sit in front of a fireplace looking through photos]

Lois: Oh, I remember this! This is Reese's fifth birthday!

Hal: And this must be Christmas that same year.

[The viewer sees an X-ray showing a candy cane stuffed five inches into the nasal cavity, hook-first]

Lois: He grew up so fast!

Hal: Oh, he sure did. Here's Malcolm's first day at school.

[The viewer sees another X-ray of the pelvic region with a toy truck in between the hips]

Lois: Remember when we lost Dewey at the flea market?

[The viewer sees yet another X-ray of the chest region with a wristwatch embedded in the middle of it]

Hal: [holds out wrist] Still keeps great time.

Lois: Want to go through the arrest reports?

Hal: I'll pour some more wine.

[Hal continues pretending to have Hysterical Conversion Disorder as he continues using his feet and rips off sheets of toilet paper]

Lois: It's been four days, Hal. I tried to be patient, but this has gone one long enough. You have to snap out of it. Look I admit you've been resourceful and you've learned to do so many things. And the Sex has been interesting.

[She walks in as Hal is now using his feet to pour in some tooth paste on his to his tooth brush to brush his teeth. He raises his brush to do so and she walks into the master bedroom.]

Lois: But you can't go on living like this. Don't think I don't know what this is all about. You're trying to avoid making this decision. This isn't going to work and frankly this is beneath you. It's the cowards way out, Hal. You don't think I don't like a paralyzed vacation. Everyone waiting on me hand and foot. You know what? It doesn't work that way. You can't keep making up ridiculous illnesses to get out of what you don't want to do.

[sees Hal pulling out a long thread of dental floss to floss his teeth]

Lois: Oh for God's sake. Do you have any idea how insane you're acting? I'm just glad your boys aren't here to see this.

[sees Hal raise his feet to floss his teeth]'

Lois: Oh Hal, you changed Jamie's diapers with those feet.

[she leaves disgusted]

[Lois has just picked up a paralyzed Hal from the hospital after another argument between the doctor and the nurse. He's just sitting there as the boys looked]

Malcolm: What's wrong with him?

Lois: The doctors call it Hysterical Conversion Disorder. It's like a sematic, apparently he's paralyzed from the waist up.

Malcolm: The waist up?

[Lois is frustrated as Hal starts squrming around with his feet]

Reese: Dad, what is it?

[Lois taps his head to calm him down. It does the work as his right foot pets her leg]'

Dewey: I think he's thanking you.

[edit] "Tiki Lounge" [6.13]

[edit] "Ida loses a Leg" [6.14]

[Dewey tries to recover his grandmother's leg.]

Dewey: [on the phone] Hello, Pathology? Yes, this is Judy Green from Dr. Weiss' office. I'm calling about the chop-and-drop he did Thursday on the old lady... Listen, Dr. Weiss thinks he may have left his wedding ring in that leg... He was pretty hammered... Yeah, again. So anyway, we need to get that leg out of there before the lawyers come around and do their Monday-morning quarterbacking. You know what instead of the usual place, why not send it to my house. I'll give you the address.

Lois:[bringing Francis back when he tries to leave] Get back in here, we are not having this argument again.

Ida: Let him go. It's the little one who owes me his life.

Francis: See? Even she thinks so.

[Lois is stressed out once again as Francis and Ida continues fighting]

Francis: I don't care if you knew the end of the Star Trek episode, I didn't and you ruined it. You can't let anyone else be happy.

Ida: Shut up, monkey. Anyone with half a brain could see the rocks were alive.

Lois: Francis, everyone else in this family either has school or a job. So you're staying here and helping your grandmother.

Ida: I DON'T NEED HELP!!! Look at him, he's got nothing in between his legs and he manages.

Francis: If you think I'm beyond punching you, you're totally wrong.

Ida: Of course you'd hit a cripple. You couldn't get a white girl to marry you.

Ida:[grabbing a cigarette from her purse] Hah. Scare tactics those butchers tell you so you can get weak and they can send you more go-go pills.

Lois:[Facing Ida] And you. You are old, injured and need his help. All your yelling and viciousness doesn't equal physical strength. You can not bully a can of soup off the shelves. You can not scream it down. You need his help!

Francis: Yeah, you old bat. Where's your gratitude?

[edit] "Chad's Sleepover" [6.15]

[edit] "No Motorcycles" [6.16]

[edit] "Butterflies" [6.17]

Reese: [to the butterflies] This is fantastic! Look at all you guys! Wow, I've forgotten how many of you there were. Okay, that's a lot of fluttering. That's enough... Get off of me! GET THE HELL OFF OF ME! AAAAAAAH! AH! HELLLLLLP!

Dewey: Dad, the toilet seat was up and Jamie's tongue is blue again. [Jamie points to a door.] Were you out there all night?

Hal: Now just get me to the bathroom and let's see if we can save Daddy's toes.

Malcolm: This is why orphans get all the hot girls.

[edit] "Ida's Dance" [6.18]

[About Lois]

Marika: Is this the fat daughter, or the one who drinks?

Ida: This is the one with the halfwit factory between her legs!

Hal:[Confronts a deaf Malcolm and Dewey for letting a T.V. set crush him] You think your dad getting killed by a T.V. set is FUNNY!? I'll tell what's funny, being grounded for the rest of your lives!

Malcolm: After about an hour, he managed to spit a piece of glass into my lap. You've got to admire that kind of perseverance.

Hal: Your children and your children's children will grow up grounded in this house!

Malcolm: I can't understand a word he's saying, but judging by his expression, I probably shouldn's ask to borrow the car this weekend.

[edit] "Motivational Seminar" [6.19]

[edit] "Stilts" [6.20]

Uncle Sam: "Let me kiss your ass and tell you that it taste like ice cream." Timothy Stack born 1956 in Doylestown Pa. Played Uncle Sam stiltwalker (see more stiltwalkers at www.TheStiltMan.com

[edit] "Buseys Take a Hostage" [6.21]

Mr.Flerch:[Removes his duct tape from his mouth with his struggles.] It was all his idea! I was just his obediant stooge. He dangled assistant vice principal in front of me. [sobs] It came with parking.

Dewey: I wonder who would get the worst penalty, a bunch of emotionally disturbed kids who tie up people for a while. Or the trusted public servant who forced them into slavery. We could ask a judge or eeryone could keep quiet about everything.

Francis:[untying the two janitors] Is that all right with you guys.

[One of the janitors, Jorge whispers in Spanish to the other janitor, refering to Mr. Flerch and the school principal.]

Janitor: That depends. Can we get five minutes alone with these guys before you untie them?

[edit] "Mrs. Tri-County" [6.22]

[edit] Season 7

[edit] "Burning Man" [7.1]

People: [chanting] Burning man! Burning man! Burning man!

Reese: No! I won't light it! I won't light it!

[Reese throws the torch. It lands in a bucket of cleaning supplies in the RV and explodes.]

People: [chanting] Burning van! Burning van! Burning van!

[Malcolm and Reese are seen entering the house after Hal and Lois picked them up]

Lois: Hitchiking?! Hitchiking on the highway like HOBOS!

Hal: Dewey, we are civilized people. We make arbitrary boundaries that we defend to the death.

[edit] "Health Insurance" [7.2]

Hal: What's the matter with you boys? Don't you realize you could get killed?

Reese: Dad, I can't die.

Hal: What?

Reese: I'm seventeen.

Hal: And so you can't die?

Reese: I just don't see it happening.

Hal: I got news for you, Reese — seventeen-year-olds die all the time.

Reese: Come on, Dad, that's just something they tell you so you'll stay off drugs.

[After the porch roof collapses on Hal]

Malcolm: Dad, are you okay?

Hal: I can't feel anything below my left knee! Is my foot okay?

Reese: Your foot looks fine... but I think the rest of you is facing the wrong way.

[edit] "Reese vs Stevie" [7.3]

[Reese has paralyzed his lower body in ice water to make a fight even. Stevie shows up with robotic legs.]

Stevie: You're... mine!

Reese: Aah!

[edit] "Halloween" [7.4]

[edit] "Jessica Stays Over" [7.5]

Reese: Dewey, you know nothing about Asian culture. After I humiliate him, I earn respect plus half his land and his sister, if she's hot.

Jessica (to Malcolm): Listen, Monday, I need you to get your mom out of the house for a couple of hours after school. Take her to a chick flick or something. You should enjoy that.

Malcolm: What for?

Jessica: My boyfriend's coming over and I'd like to have the house to ourselves, if you know what I mean.

Malcolm: What?!

Jessica: Oh, good, you do know what I mean. I wasn't sure with that whole "chasm of loneliness" crap.

Malcolm: You can't hook up in my house! I've never hooked up in my house!

Lois: He thinks he is on his way to China, and you've just been torturing him in that box!?

Dewey: Yeah.

Lois: Can he breathe in there?

Dewey: He's still making noises.

Lois: And he's got food and water?

Dewey: Yeah.

(Long silence)

Lois: Alright..

Dewey: Ahhhh! Help, I'm being eaten!

(Dewey holds up a jar of honey)

Dewey: Is that a bee?

Hal: That is how you know it's fresh. You won't find any bees in your store-bought honey, I'll tell you that much.

Dewey: Where did this come from?

Hal: Spoils of war, Dewey. You know that beehive in the tool shed I've been battling for months? Victory is mine.

Dewey: You did it yourself? (Hal nods)

Dewey: How'd you know how to do that?

Hal: It's instinctual. You see, human beings were born with everything they need to destroy bees. Except the poison. You have to buy that.

Dewey: I feel kind of sorry for the bees, though.

Hal: It's survival of the fittest, Dewey. If they had won, they'd be spreading us on toast right now.

Reese: You can bite my American ass, Zhao Lee.

Dewey: What's up?

Reese: The school made us adopt pen pals from different countries. I get stuck with this loser from China.

Dewey: What's wrong with China?

Reese: It's not what you think, Dewey. He won't send you illegal fireworks or get your nunchucks signed by the Emperor. The guy's a total jerk. It started off with a simple request to apologize for Pearl Harbor. The guy wouldn't do it. I was so pissed.

(Mike opens the box that Reese is in and Reese crawls out of the box)

Reese: (looking up) Aha! I bet you weren't expecting this, Jao! Now you're gonna experience a good old American ass-whooping! (punches Mike in the leg)

Mike: Hey, quit it!

Reese: I don't speak Chinese, jackass! (punches him again)

Mike: Alright. (repeatedly punches Reese)

[edit] "Secret Boyfriend" [7.6]

(Opening scene in which Malcolm brings Reese a soda as they sit down to watch TV)

Malcolm: Here, I brought one for you.

Reese: Thanks. And now I'll take yours because you obviously shook mine up. (Switches cans) Wait a minute! You wanted me to do that! (Switches cans again) Of course you had to have known I was going to know that! (Switches again) Unless you didn't think I was smart enough. But I'm smarter than... You know what? I'm not smart enough to figure it out! So what? Big deal! (Goes to fridge and opens a different can which is shaken and sprays him with soda as he screams)

Malcolm: I'm not sure if I have the gift or he does.

Vicki (to Malcolm): I think it's really romantic. It's like Romeo & Juliet. Our love has to be hidden.

Malcolm: I'm not hiding it.

Vicki: I wish you would.

Lois: (about Reese) What are we going to do about him, Hal? He shows absolutely no interest in his future.

Hal: I'm sorry, honey. I thought you had given up on him too.

[edit] "Blackout" [7.7]

[The house lights go out.]

Lois: [in the shower] Hal!

Hal: I paid the bill! It's the whole neighborhood!

Hal: You're here!

Malcolm: Kind of.

Hal: You lied to me! You're not drunk at all!

Malcolm: You said that if I called and said I was drunk, I would not get in trouble!

Hal: That only applies if you're actually drunk!

[edit] "Army Buddy" [7.8]

Reese: You were right, Malcolm. She wants me bad. This is a disaster.

Malcolm: Why? You've got a girl that's crazy about you.

Reese: She's my buddy. The best friend I've ever had, but in a roll-around-on-the-floor-and-make-her-smell-my-armpit kind of way.

Malcolm: Everyone has their own kind of foreplay. The important thing now is how you feel about her.

Reese: It's hard to say. Now, when I think about her, I get all nervous in my stomach. Like my bowels could cut loose at any moment.

Malcolm: That's love, dude.

Reese: Wow. You'd think somebody would put that in a song.

Lois: The thing is absolutely nothing is on sale. They take all the stuff off the shelves, dump it in the bins and the people go nuts. I dropped my car keys in one of 'em. I had to wrestle a woman for 20 minutes to get 'em back. Then this 90-year-old man with glaucoma comes in. He wants to pay for his toiletries with a bag full of pennies. We finally settled on five dollars, six buttons, and a run-over bottle cap.

Abby (to Lois): I'm Abby Tucker, it's nice to meet you.

Lois: I'm Lois. This is Malcolm.

Abby: Oh, right, Pea Pod. (to Reese) I see what you mean.

Abby (to Reese): I've been waiting to get you alone, you miserable, scum-sucking piece of garbage.

Reese: Short stack, is that you? I don't believe it! What the hell are you doing here, you ugly grub eater?

Abby: I had a few days' leave. Thought I'd spend it with my favorite idiot.

Lois (to Abby): I'm sorry. Did you just make a pass at me?

Abby: Ma'am, forgive me.

Lois: Oh, no, no, no, it's not that I'm not flattered, but I'm the mother of, like, five children. I've been married for 100 years. Why would you think.. ?

Abby: I was wrong, ma'am. I was way out of line.

Lois: Do I give off that kind of vibe? Because I would hate to think people are walking around with me giving them false hopes. Would it help if I changed my hair?

Abby (to Lois): I have to confess, I'm a great admirer of yours, ma'am.

Lois: Me?

Abby: Yes, ma'am. Reese told me so many amazing stories about you. Is it true you once made him cut the front lawn with a pair of manicure scissors?

Lois: I can't take all the credit for that. After all, he was the one who didn't refill the ice cube tray.

[edit] "Malcolm Defends Reese" [7.9]

Malcolm: It's bad enough Reese is in the same class as me. What's worse is that Herkabe's turned him into his personal whipping-boy!

[Mr. Herkabe is horrified as Mr. Hodges, North High's principal immediately takes action and revokes his GPA standing with the janitor's help for failing gym. Malcolm is seen pleased at his downfall for humiliating Reese and intentionally trying to make him fail.]

Mr. Hodges: It is a dark day for North High, but given recent information that came to our attention regarding the previous GPA record holder and his failure to meet the Physical Education requirement I have no choice. I take no pleasure in the pain this unfortunate incident has caused, but rules are rules.

[Perks up as he returns the award to a blind, clubfooted woman named Edna Thornby.]

Mr. Hodges: So, I am directing that this plaque be returned to Edna Thornby, who though blind and crippled managed to pass gym.

Mr. Herkabe: [After realizing it was Malcolm who told Mr. Hodges, walks away] Oh, shut up. I have to call mother before she hears it from someone else.

Reese:[In gym class, enjoying his payback on Herkabe] You call that a monkey dance.

[Tosses more dodgeballs at him.]

Malcolm (to Herkabe): I'll take your sick little deal so you can keep your pathetic, meaningless plaque.

Herkabe: Thank you, Malcolm. I know that you think this compromise will taste like ashes in my mouth. But something I learned a long time ago... ashes don't taste that bad.

Herkabe: Reese, I'm just looking through my notes here and it appears that was your 20th wrong answer in a row. And you know what that means, don't you?

Class: (all but Malcolm chanting) Monkey dance! Monkey dance! Monkey dance! Monkey dance...

Reese: Monkey dance?

Herkabe: Your first right answer. Well, let's not leave your audience waiting. (Reese starts dancing like a monkey as chanting and laughing continues) Wait, Reese, stop. (turns on a radio that plays "Love Machine" by the Miracles and smiles) OK, continue. (Reese continues to Malcolm's astonishment)

Hal: Some wavy-haired blond boy was chatting up Gina at the bike racks after school.

Dewey: Don't you work?

Hal: Never mind that. The point is, you should have been there!

Dewey: It's probably Stefan. He's no threat. Hal: I saw him, Dewey. He's an Adonis!

Hal: Okay, what you need here is some sort of romantic gesture.

Dewey: What do you mean?

Hal: Just off the top of my head, you could send her a nice box of expensive chocolates.

Dewey: I'm not sure.

Hal: Too late. You already did. You just dropped off a big box on her front doorstep, rang the bell, and ran like hell. You also trampled some of her rose bushes. Congratulations, son.

Hal: (driving alongside Gina) You'll like this candy. It's really good. Come on, just hop in the car! (several minutes later, a cop arrests him under suspicion of attempted child abduction after a neighbor calls 911) Oh, come on, give me a break! Don't you remember your first love?

[edit] "Malcolm's Money" [7.10]

[edit] "Bride of Ida" [7.11]

Raduka: I will marry you.

Ida: I forbid you to do this!

Raduka: You cannot forbid me! I am American girl now. I have iPod! I wear thong! I shave! [shows a clean-shaven armpit]

Ida: Hide your shame, whore!

[After Dewey misses his flight, gets his hand shut in a door, and gets sprayed in the eye with hot sauce]

Lois: Well, the redness is going down. I think you can compete just fine.

Dewey: Why don't you just cut the act, mom? You got what you wanted.

Lois: What are you talking about?

Dewey: You don't like watching me be successful because it reminds you you never did anything with your life. And now, instead of taking joy in your kids' accomplishments, you undermine us so we won't show you up! Maybe it's unconscious, maybe you know you're doing it. But that's what's been going on this whole trip!

Lois: So what?

[edit] "College Recruiters" [7.12]

[edit] "Mono" [7.13]

[edit] "Hal Grieves" [7.14]

Hal: Honey... I lost my dad. [starts crying and hugs Lois]

Lois: There, there. [looks over Hal's shoulder and mouths "You are dead" to Malcolm]

[edit] "A.A." [7.15]

[Lois and Hal are preparing to leave, and Lois stops to address the boys]

Lois: Before I forget...

[Lois picks up a vase on a table]

Lois: This is the one thing left in this house that I care about. I don't want to spend the next two days worrying about 'How will they break it,' 'Where will they hide the pieces,' 'How will they lie about it when I come home?' So...

[Lois drops and breaks the vase as the boys look on]

Lois: There. Now I can relax.

[edit] "Lois Strikes Back" [7.16]

[edit] "Hal's Dentist" [7.17]

[edit] "Bomb Shelter" [7.18]

[edit] "Stevie in the Hospital" [7.19]

[edit] "Cattle Court" [7.20]

Malcolm: Okay, so I lied and destroyed a man so I can go to a concert. I'll get him a t-shirt.

Lois: Okay, this is the only universe this could possible exist in. I'm 90 years old. Hal is dead. I have dementia and I need someone to keep me from catching on fire. There's no money for a nurse, my sons won't do it, and I'm asleep for 22 hours a day. Then, and only then, maybe we could be together.

Craig: It's like you're reading straight out of my diary.

[edit] "Morp" [7.21]

[edit] "Graduation" [7.22]

Craig: Sorry we're late. You wouldn't believe the fight we got into over shower curtains.

Reese: Those dolphins were gay.

Craig: You think all dolphins are gay.

Reese: Well, dolphins are gay.

Craig: Dolphns could kill sharks!

Reese: Gay guys could kill sharks, and they're still gay!

Piama: Lois, I really think he's gonna do it this time! You gotta stop him! [Francis storms in and seizes a poker from the fireplace]

Francis: There you are! I drove by eighty miles of blunt objects just to get to you! I HOPE YOU RUN!

Ida: You better make that first swing count, princess!

[While Francis attempts to stab his grandma]

Lois: Hal...

Hal: Right. (Calming down Francis) Son. Don't feel bad. In some parallel universe you did it.

[Last lines in the series]

Reese: And when they found the peepholes in the bathroom, they fired Al and brought me on full-time. Grandma's right: it's good to have a patsy. So, how's it going for you, Mr. Ivy League big shot?

Malcolm: It's great. It's a whole new world. Hey, listen, I gotta get to my calc class. I'll talk to you later.

Reese: What did I miss?

Malcolm: There was this big explosion. Some fire shot out and now he's just come to.

Reese: What I was just gone for a second.

Dewey: Shhhhhhh! I wanna see this.

Lois: [walks in and sees Hal attempting to fix the TV] Oh for God's sakes, Hal. Pay the money and get a repair man.

Hal: I am not wasting good money when I am perfectly capable of...

[Hal is shocked and the boys laugh at it as Lois leaves embarrassed]

[edit] Cast

Frankie Muniz as Malcolm
Kaczmarek as Lois
Bryan Cranston as Hal
Justin Berfield as Reese
Erik Per Sullivan as Dewey
Christopher Kennedy Masterson as Francis
James Rodriguez and Lukas Rodriguez as Jamie

[edit] External links

Wikipedia has an article about:

Malcolm in the Middle

Malcolm in the Middle

Contents

[edit] Season 1

[edit] "Pilot" [1.1]

[edit] "Red Dress" [1.2]

[edit] "Home Alone 4" [1.3]

[edit] "Shame" [1.4]

[edit] "Malcolm Babysits" [1.5]

[edit] "Sleepover" [1.6]

[edit] "Francis Escapes" [1.7]

[edit] "Krelboyne Picnic" [1.8]

[edit] "Lois vs. Evil" [1.9]

[edit] "Stock Car Races" [1.10]

[edit] "Funeral" [1.11]

[edit] "Cheerleader" [1.12]

[edit] "Rollerskates" [1.13]

[edit] "The Bots and the Bees" [1.14]

[edit] "Smunday" [1.15]

[edit] "Water Park" [1.16]

[edit] Season 2

[edit] Traffic Jam [2.1]

[edit] "Halloween Approximately" [2.2]

[edit] "Lois' Birthday" [2.3]

[edit] "Dinner Out" [2.4]

[edit] "Casino" [2.5]

[edit] "Convention" [2.6]

[edit] "Robbery" [2.7]

[edit] "Therapy" [2.8]

[edit] "The Bully" [2.10]

[edit] "Old Mrs. Old" [2.11]

[edit] "Krelboyne Girl" [2.12]

[edit] "New Neighbors" [2.13]

[edit] "Hal Quits" [2.14]

[edit] "The Grandparents" [2.15]

[edit] "Traffic Ticket" [2.16]

[edit] "Surgery" [2.17]

[edit] "Reese Cooks" [2.18]

[edit] "Tutoring Reese" [2.19]

[edit] "Bowling" [2.20]

[edit] "Malcolm vs. Reese" [2.21]

[edit] "Mini-Bike" [2.22]

[edit] "Carnival" [2.23]

[edit] "Evacuation" [2.24]

[edit] "Flashback" [2.25]

[edit] Season 3

[edit] "Houseboat" [3.1]

[edit] "Emancipation" [3.2]

[edit] "Book Club" [3.3]

[edit] "Malcolm's Girlfriend" [3.4]

[edit] "Charity" [3.5]

[edit] "Health Scare" [3.6]

[edit] "Christmas" [3.7]

[edit] "Poker" [3.8]

[edit] "Reese's Job" [3.9]

[edit] "Lois's Makeover" [3.10]

[edit] "Company Picnic (Part 1)" [3.11]

[edit] "Company Picnic (Part 2)" [3.12]

[edit] "Reese Drives" [3.13]

[edit] "Cynthia's Back" [3.14]

[edit] "Hal's Birthday" [3.15]

[edit] "Hal Coaches" [3.16]

[edit] "Dewey's Dog" [3.17]

[edit] "Poker #2" [3.18]

[edit] "Clip Show" [3.19]

[edit] "Jury Duty" [3.20]

[edit] "Cliques" [3.21]

[edit] "Monkey" [3.22]

[edit] Season 4

[edit] "Zoo" [4.1]

[edit] "Humilithon" [4.2]

[edit] "Family Reunion" [4.3]

[edit] "Stupid Girl" [4.4]

[edit] "Forwards Backwards" [4.5]

[edit] "Forbidden Girlfriend" [4.6]

[edit] "Malcolm Holds his Tongue" [4.7]

[edit] "Boys at Ranch" [4.8]

[edit] "Grandma Sues" [4.9]

[edit] "If Boys Were Girls" [4.10]

[edit] "Long Drive" [4.11]

[edit] "Kicked Out" [4.12]