Misfits (TV series)
Misfits is a British comedy-drama series about a group of young offenders forced to work in a community service programme, where they attain preternatural powers after a strange electrical storm. The first series started broadcasting on 12 November 2009 on E4, and was produced by Clerkenwell Films.
- 1 Series 1
- 2 Series 2
- 3 Series 3
- 4 Series 4
- 5 Series 5
- 6 Cast
- Tony: This is it. It's your chance to do something positive. Give something back. You can help people, you can really make a difference to people's lives. That's what community service is all about. There are people out there who think you're scum. You have an opportunity to show them they're wrong.
- Nathan: Yeah, but what if they're right? [looks at Gary] No offence. [pointing at Gary] But I'm thinking some people are just born criminals.
- Gary: You're looking to get stabbed?
- Nathan: You see my point there?
- Alisha: What? I thought you had finished!
- Tony: You see my lips still moving, this means I'm still talking!
- Nathan: Yeah, but you could have been yawning or... chewing.
- Kelly: Ehm, what makes you think you’re better than us?
- Nathan: What is that accent?!
- Curtis: Is that for real?
- Kelly: What are you trying to say something, yeah?
- Nathan: It’s a- are you- that’s just a noise! Are we supposed to be able to understand her?!
- Kelly:(flicks him off) Do you understand that?
- Nathan: What about you, weird kid? Don't take this in the wrong way or anything, but you look like a pantie-sniffer.
- Simon: I'm not a pantie-sniffer. I'm not a pervert. (Nathan teases him) I tried to burn someone's house down!
- Nathan: Fuuuuuck.
- Kelly: A girl called me a slag so I just got into a fight.
- Nathan: Was this on the Jeremy Kyle Show?
- Tony: It's my car!
- Nathan: Ha, classic!
- Nathan: I'll tell you who did it, it's that Banksy prick. There is a hidden meaning. It's like that monkey police man with a banana and a Tesco's bag.
- Kelly: You know, after the storm, did any of you's start feeling dead weird?
- Nathan: Yeah, I had a strange tingling sensation in my anus.
- Nathan: A group of young people doing mindless shit all day. Face it man it's bound to happen. It always does. It's biology. 0r physics. 0ne of those. Do we have a deal? (spits on his hand)
- Curtis: No.
- Curtis: They said 'cause of my profile, they needed to send a message.
- Nathan: You let yourself down. You let the kids down. You let your parents down.
- Nathan: Ok. If you can hear our thoughts, what am I thinking? (thinks "This is bullshit")
- Kelly: Do you think it's bullshit?
- Nathan: Of course I think it's bullshit, you don't need to be a mind reader to know that.
- Kelly: Why are you on a wheelchair?
- Nathan: It was the storm. The strange tingling sensation in my anus is spread to my body, and now... I can't feel my legs.
- Nathan: I'm no doctor, but you see the way the side of his head's all caved in like that...?
- Simon: If there is no body, there is no crime.
- Nathan: I'm pretty sure this breaches the terms of my ASBO.
- Nathan: There is no going back now, man. You were just as screwed as the rest of us. You are black AND famous. You are probably more screwed!
- Nathan: Didn't you say you wanted to piss on her tits? Probably best to keep that kind of thing between you and your internet service provider.
- Nathan: What if I can't feel pain? (Kelly hits him) Ow!
- Nathan: A few days ago... I go into the toilets, Tony and Gary were in there. They are butt naked, Tony has Gary by his hair, like this, and he's just doing him, doggy style. And Tony is like, "Who's your daddy? I'm your daddy, I'm Big Daddy. Oh! Oh yeah, you like that? Oh, yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, I'm Daddy Cool!" So I'm guessing they've ran away to continue their illicit homosexual affair. I ask you, in this world of intolerance and prejudice, who are we to condemn them?
- Simon: Maybe you can fly.
- Alisha: He's not gonna be able to fly.
- Nathan: Yeah, there's always someone that can fly. Check it out.
- Kelly: Don't.
- Nathan: Ow! No, that's not it.
- Curtis: So what happens now? Is this it? Are we gonna be like this forever?
- Simon: What if we are meant to be, like, superheroes?
- Nathan: You lot, superheroes? No offence, but in what kind of fucked-up world would that be allowed to happen?
- Alisha: I did not sign up for that.
- Nathan: Superheroes! I love this guy - you prick!
- Kelly: What if there’s load of people like us all over town?
- Nathan: No, that kind of thing only happens in America. This will fade away. I’m telling you, by this time next week, it’ll be back to the same old boring shit.
- Nathan: You can think what you like, but guys, I have a superpower and I just need to find out what it is.
- Alisha: Maybe you are just super-retarded.
- Nathan: Maybe I've got a whole Spider-Man vibe going on. Maybe I can climb stuff and do spider shit.
- Curtis: Yeah, because that makes perfect sense. Why would you be able to climb stuff?
- Nathan: I don't know. How is it that you can turn back time apparently and weird kid can turn invisible. It's not like this whole situation is backed up by a wank-load of logic.
- Alisha: He is obviously some kind of pervert, or he's gay.
- Curtis: That follows.
- Alisha: Well, he was cruising for rough trade. They love that shit.
- Curtis: Oh, a little light homophobia. Go for it.
- Simon: Maybe he is a werewolf.
- Nathan: Twat.
- Simon: It's just what happen in the films. You turn into a werewolf, you kill someone and you wake up somewhere, naked... like a zoo.
- Kelly: (goes near an old man) Is he dead? I think he's dead.
- Nathan: (goes near one of the man's hears) SHE'S STEALING YOUR PENSION!
- Old Man: OOH!
- Nathan: Nah, he's fine.
- Nathan: (runs with a old woman in a wheelchair) Ok, Joan. Let’s pick up some speed, let’s get that wind flowing through your hair. Let’s get that wind flowing through your scalp, come on. (sees a young lady and leaves Joan go alone)
- Kelly: Is this a wind up? Is this you?
- Nathan: If I was trying to wind you up, I think I’d be a little more creative. “I know what film you saw last summer.”
- Nathan: Listen, I’m telling you, Mom. He was out there running around naked like a wolf boy.
- Nathan's Mom: What's a wolf boy?
- Nathan: It’s a boy, raised by wolves. You know, little hairy kid in Siberia. We watched it on the Discovery Channel.
- Nathan: If they actually knew anything, they wouldn’t be dicking around sticking notes on lockers. They would’ve gone to the police. And we’d all be banged up in prison, getting gang-raped in the showers. But this, this means that they have no evidence. No proof. Nothing.
- Nathan: (shows to Jeremy the photo he took of him naked in a car park) George Michael gets away with this shit, but he used to be in Wham. Who are you?
- Nathan: So just... take your crappy shit, and go. (breaks a radio)
- Jeremy: That's your mum's.
- Nathan: Well, I'll buy her a new one 'cause that's what sons do for their mums.
- Ruth: The worst thing about being lonely is knowing somebody knows you are lonely.
- Nathan: I shagged someone's gran!
- Ruth: I haven't got any grandchildren.
- Nathan: Well, that's ok than, because that could have been really awkward.
- Nathan: I'm not being funny, but a woman of your age.. if you don't settle out with someone before your look go, you've got no chance.
- Nathan's Mom: Thanks.
- Nathan: I can't look after you when you're eighty. You'll be phoning me every time you wanna change the TV channel? No, too painful. I've got my flat. It's better for all of us.
- Nathan: (to Jeremy) If you ever hurt her, I'll take you up at the vet and have you put down.
- Louise: Every man I meet. There's always a reason you take against them. It's like when you said Richard was sexually abusing you.
- 'Nathan: It's nothing like that. This is true.
- Nathan: So are you like a member of staff or something?
- Young Ruth: I'm a volunteer.
- Nathan: Volunteer?! I love to volunteer.
- Young Ruth: Is that why they gave you community service?
- Nathan: Could be, could be. I'd probably just be here anyway you know, helping out.
- Young Ruth: So what did you do?
- Nathan: I sexually assaulted a 90-year-old woman.
- Young Ruth: That's funny.
- Nathan: She didn't seem to think so at the time. God rest her soul.
- Nathan: He's not a werewolf. This guy is such a pussy, he has to get my mum to open jars for him. I'm pretty sure a werewolf could open a jar of peanut butter for himself.
- Alisha: You should come out with us some time.
- Curtis: I would you know but, my mum told me to stay away from girls like you.
- Alisha: Your mum has never met a girl like me.
- Nathan: Your boyfriend is some kind of psycho, rough trade, gay, rapist, werewolf!
- Ben: Ok, so, if you've got any questions, just ask.
- Nathan: If a Bear and Shark had a fight who would win?
- Ben: If you've got any relevant questions, just ask. Oh, and if it's on dry land, I bet on the bear.
- Nathan: Ski wear. Classic. Try walking ten miles to the well in these.
- Nathan: You alright?
- Kelly: What?
- Nathan: You're usually a whole lot gobbier than this.
- Kelly: No, I'm not.
- Nathan: Come on, you haven't punched me in a few hours. I'm worried about you.
- Nathan: (puts on ski goggles) Hey hey, who am I? One luhh ohh yeaahh huh huuuhh ahh... Come on! Okay, alright, alright. I’ll give you a clue. I’m an annoying cunt.
- Alisha: Yeah, we know that.
- Nathan: I'm Bono!
- Curtis: You think because you're beautiful you can treat people anyway you want?
- Alisha: Yeah, that's pretty much how it works. Haven't you figured that out yet?
- Curtis: You're so messed up. And you don't even know it.
- Nathan: Hurray! It's the starlet of justice!
- Kelly: I was only saying that the lad that she used to go out with was a dick. I was only being nice.
- Nathan: Oh, yeah, you were being lovely. Right up until you threw the chair at her.
- Simon: What's he doing? (talking about Nathan)
- Curtis: He's trying to smash the bottle with his mind... I think he's gonna shit himself.
- Nathan: I’ve got a power! I know it! I can feel it in my balls!
- Nathan: Look, we’re a bunch of young offenders and not one of us knows how to steal a car? That is pathetic.
- Nathan: I like your cap.
- Kelly: No! (runs away)
- Nathan: What...
- Simon: Did you know she was bald?
- Nathan: 'Course not, twat. Jesus.
- Alisha: She looked like an alien.
- Nathan: Ah, don't be mean. (laughs) She did, didn't she?
- Nathan: So the probation worker is driving around with the stiffs in the boot of her car. Just thought you'd want to know. Anyway, call me!
- Curtis: You don't need to use your power on me. I'm already there.
- Nathan: (to the guys) Oh, get the bodies! (throws a brick on Sally's windshield)
- Sally: What the hell are you doing?!
- Nathan: It's just pure, mindless vandalism!
- Sally: What is the matter with you? Are you mentally deficient?!
- Nathan: If I was mentally deficient, I would have missed. Check that out. Bull's-eye!
- Simon: They are gonna think the probation worker is still alive. I stole his credit card. I used it to book a flight.
- Simon: Do you wanna come for a drink?
- Nathan: Are you asking me out in a date?
- Simon: No, I meant all of us.
- Nathan: Did you? I'm not your whore!
- Curtis: Oh hey, Nathan, I need your help!
- Nathan: Do I know you? ...Are you taking a shit?
- Curtis: What?
- Nathan: There is a guy over here taking a shit!
- Manager: Excuse me, you can't just help yourself to anything you fancy. This is not a buffet, that's theft. I could have you arrested for that.
- Nathan: Really? For eating some pick'n'mix?
- Manager: You're paying for the sweets in your mouth and for that drink.
Beverley. Isn't that a women's name?
- Manager: Pay up and leave.
- Nathan: Haha, Beverley. That's brilliant. Why did your parents give you a girl's name?
- Manager: This is your final warning.
- Nathan: Maybe you were born with both sets of genitalia. You know like a chick with a dick.
- Manager: (talks to a walkie-talkie) Can I have security to the concession stand?
- Nathan: But I’m guessing your parents wanted a boy so they kept your cock and sewed up your clunge.
- Manager: You’re coming with me.
- Nathan: (talks to his walkie-talkie screaming) I’m being assaulted by a chick with a dick! Help me! They sewed up his clunge! They sewed up his clunge!
- Manager: I was like you when I was younger. I thought I knew everything. I was a right cocky little arsehole.
- Nathan: And look where it got you! You've got the big office, you've got a staple gun... you're living the dream, man!
- Manager: You think you're better than all this?
- Nathan: I know, I'm better then this. Because Bev, if I'm not, I'll probably have to kill myself.
- Manager: You haven't got a clue.
- Simon: I got your text.
- Simon's classmate: What text?
- Simon: You sent me a text telling me to meet you here.
- Simon's classmate: I was texting my mate. I meant a different Simon.
- Nathan's Dad:Don't be a wanker.
- Nathan: Thanks for the fatherly advice. It makes me feel all warm inside.
- Nathan:Beverley, I don't want him paying for it.
- Nathan's Dad: You want him to call the police, do ya?
- Nathan:Yeah, I do actually. Bev, call the police.
- Nathan's Dad: Yeah, you heard him man? C'mon, call the police.
- Nathan: Call'em. ...Are you still here? (Nathan's dad leaves) See ya dad, let's do this again sometime it's been really special.
- Manager: You and your dad seem close. Haha.
- Nathan: Oh shut up Beverley. (uses the staple gun on one of Beverley's hand)
- Kelly's boyfriend: (finds an engagement ring in a car he's stealing) Kel? Do you wanna marry me? ...What?
- Kelly: That is so fucking romantic!
- Sally: Tony. (he starts kicking a pole) Tony! Stop it, stop it. It's a car. It's insured.
- Tony: Your engagement ring was there!
- Sally: You were gonna propose to me?
- Tony: Yeah.
- Sally: Can I still say yes?
- Sam: If they had caught us with the drugs, we would have been screwed.
- Curtis: Shh, it didn't happen. Everything is gonna be alright. We got away with it. We did it.
- Curtis: What happened?
- Nathan: We were doing our, community service... our probation worker flipped out. Just... just went crazy and, and he killed them.
- Curtis: How come you survived?
- Nathan: They said I was half dead when they found me. Guess I'm just lucky.
- Nathan: Melon-fucker!
- Sally: He's got Tony's credit card.
- Cop: I'm sorry, it's not enough.
- Sally: This is your chance to talk about community service.
- Alisha: It's... bullshit.
- Sally: So do you think that you have learned anything?
- Curtis: Yeah. Don't get caught.
- Sally: Fine... how do you think you have changed?
- Nathan: I think I'm taller.
- Kelly: They graffiti and we clean it off. They graffiti and we clean it off. They graffiti and we clean it off. What is that about?
- Nathan: (sings) Raff in the jungle, innit in the jungle! Raff in the jungle, innit in the jungle! Raff...
- Sally: He's such a twat. Sorry, that was really unprofessional.
- Simon: He is a twat.
- Nathan: We have out-foxed the fox, which makes us very bloody foxy!
- Simon: I like making videos, editing them together and that.
- Simon: I think she is lonely.
- Shygirl18: Are you lonely?
- Simon: Yes.
- Shygirl18: Then go for it. Ask her out.
- Nathan: See? Babies. That's why I always use a condom. And if the girl looks dirty, I use two. Belt and braces!
- Nathan: He's... He's been been arrested. For... exposing himself... in public.
- Sam: Exposing himself? What?
- Nathan: Yeah. Flashing.
- Simon: At some Scouts.
- Nathan: Your girlfriend was here. The other one.
- Curtis: I feel so guilty! Time rewinds and it's like I've never said it. I ended it six times. She cries and I'm back where I started. It's doing my head. I just need it to be over!
- Nathan: You need to make her hate ya. Seriously... she's steaming, she's telling you got a tiny dick, you're a crap in bed, you don't feel guilty... maybe time won't rewind.
- Sam: What you just said. It's from Spider-Man. You're dumping me with a line from Spider-Man?
- Curtis: No, no, no. No!
- Sam: You immature pathetic shallow bastard!
- Simon: He stopped speaking to me when we started secondary school.
- Sally: Did he give you an hard time?
- Simon: Every morning when I woke up I felt sick just thinking about him. I told my parents and the teachers. They knew it was happening. No one did anything.
- Simon: There was a cat.
- Sally: A cat?
- Simon: Inside the house. I thought “the cat didn't bullied me at school, he hasn't done anything".
- Curtis: You know what you said about “no matter what I do, the ones I love will be the ones who pay”? Is that from Spider-Man?
- Nathan: I don't know. I was just trying to sound intelligent.
- Nathan: Him and his mum can come live with me at the Community Centre! I can get free food from the vending machines and I’ll steel booze from the kitchen. I’ll steal from other babies! I’ll go to the park and forage for nuts and berries!
- Baby': (thinking) You prick.
- Alisha: So I guess we're getting serious then.
- Kelly: Is that your tea?
- Nathan: (shows what he got from the vending machine) Starter, main course, dessert. And a nice refreshing beverage to wash it down.
- Kelly: You can't live on that shit. Why don’t you come round my house and I’ll cook you dinner?
- Simon: You shouldn't have taken my phone. Give me the phone.
- Simon: I can't let you go to the police.
- Sally: Simon, you don't owe them anything.
- Simon: They are the only friend I've got.
- Girl: (giving a speech) I went with so many boys. And girls, boys and girls at the same time. I took part in... disgusting, perverted, unnatural acts. I was drinking and taking drugs. I used bad language all the time. I called my mum... a “fat bitch”. But I'm not like that anymore. I'm a good person.
- Nathan: That... that ain't normal.
- Nathan: Try that in your driving test. That's getting you a fail. Or a pass... and probably some kind of internal injury.
- Kelly: (to Simon) What about your friends?
- Nathan: I believe that’s generally referred to as a “pedophile ring”.
- Simon: I’m not a pedophile.
- Nathan: Yeah? You’d screw your own sister for a slice of cheese.
- Simon: I don’t even like cheese.
- Nathan: That makes it even worse, you sick bastard.
- Rachel: (to Nathan who is sitting making a joint) Excuse me, you know using Marijuana can cause epilepsy and mental illness? ...I'm talking to you! What's wrong with you? You don't need to behave like this. You can be so much better.
- Nathan: (he's listening to music, stands up and sees Rachel) Nice cardigan!
- Nathan: It's a sad day for all of us when a girl like her decides it's time to pull up her knickers.
- Simon: When weird stuff happens, it's always the storm. Haven't you worked that out yet?
- Curtis: He has got a point.
- Nathan: Did you just recently grow a set of balls?
- Simon: I've always had a set of balls. You just never seen them.
- Nathan: That is about the gayest thing I've ever heard.
- Nathan: It's my wank sock.
- Kelly: Aw no! Use a tissue!
- Nathan: Well that requires planning, man. Look, you just knocked one out, right? Poom-byo! You're lying there, you're feeling cheap and deflated. There’s a pool of rapidly cooling spunk on your stomach. You’re looking round for something to mop up with. Oh, hello. What’s this? It’s a sock. Job done. Thank you.
- Kelly: Maybe that's your power!
- Nathan: I am very good at it.
- Nathan: There's never a probation worker around when you need one.
- Simon: Who's Barry?
- Nathan: You are.
- Kelly: His name is Simon.
- Nathan: Is it? I thought it was Barry.
- Nathan: What if that “virtue bitch” shows up? She is vexing them with some kind of Derren Brown voodoo mind shit. We need to gear up.
- Nathan: Oh no…
- Kelly: Why are you in my bedroom?
- Nathan: What did they do to you?
- Kelly: I think I look nice.
- Nathan: Okay, yeah, I suppose you could argue it’s a huge improvement. I get that. It’s not you.
- Kelly: That’s a good thing. I had a terrible attitude. I was so aggressive.
- Nathan: Yes, but in a good way. You’e the only person that gives me a slap. There’s no bullshit with you.
- Kelly: I was a horrible chav. I didn’t like who I was.
- Nathan: I did... I can’t believe I’m going to say this... I liked your attitude. I liked how you look, the way you scraped your hair back so that sometimes you looked a bit oriental. It worked for me. And your jewelry! You know, Argos has a bad press. Who says you can’t buy an engagement ring and a George Foreman grill at the same time? Your makeup! This is probably better actually. Look, what I’m trying to say here is that it should have been a complete car crash,but it wasn’t. It had attitude! Like you, it was you. And now you’re not… you. I have never... should have left you back there. I shouldn't have left you, I'm sorry. (kisses her on the cheek)
- Kelly: That was really inappropriate.
- Nathan: There's only one thing ladies should be inserting in themselves, and that's knowledge. (pretending to be one of the “good guys”)
- Nathan: She’s got you thinking this is how you’re supposed to be. Well, it’s not! We’re young. We’re supposed to drink too much. We’re supposed to have bad attitudes and shag each other’s brains out. We are designed to party. This is it. Yeah, so a few of us will overdose or go mental. But Charles Darwin said you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. And that’s what it’s all about - breaking eggs! And by eggs, I do mean, getting twatted on a cocktail of Class A’s. If you could just see yourselves! It breaks my heart. You’re wearing cardigans! We had it all. We fucked up bigger and better than any generation that came before us. We were so beautiful! We’re screw-ups. I’m a screw-up and I plan to be a screw-up until my late 20s, maybe even my early 30s. And I will shag my own mother before I let her… or anyone else, take that away from me!
- Rachel: Your gun's leaking. ...So you threatened me with a water pistol?
- Nathan: (Simon appears) Save me, Barry! (Nathan falls off the roof) Nooo!
- Nathan: I've got a power. I bloody knew it! Who's laughing now? ...I'm alive! Help! HELP! You buried me alive you dicks! Help! ...I'm immortal. That's just great. Thank you. Thanks a lot. Un-fucking-believable.
- Nathan: (Wakes up in coffin with all Misfits around him) AAAAAAAAH!!!!
- Curtis: The fuck!!
- Nathan: Haha you should see the looks on your faces - CLASSIC!!
- Alisha: Were you haveing a wank in there?
- Nathan: So what if I was - a man can have a shuffle in his own coffin..Not like I was expectin' visitors.
- Kelly: So if your alive how come you smell so bad??
- Nathan: I appear to have shat myself.
- Nathan: (Comes out of toilet) Awww, I'm tellin' ya, its all hot cross buns and easter eggs when Jesus gets ressurected.
Nathan: Monkey slut! Alisha: I am not having monkey slut as a password! Nathan: What are the chances of that being brought up in a sentence? Pretty low. Kelly: Alright - Monkey slut. Nathan: Bad news - the mental girl knows the password - monkey sluts been blown.
- Alisha: [Commenting on Nathan's impalement on a pipe] Does that hurt?
- Nathan: Only when I breathe - eeeeeeerrrrgh.
- Nathan: [Simon gets hit] Barry!!!!!
- Nathan: I'll just die...again.
- Nathan: (Simon lifts freezer to show Sally dead) Hmm...so sad....Oh look - Cornettos!!
- Nathan: I'm gonna run away to the circus. Get knives thrown at me - people pay loads to watch that shit. And were the cash goes the pussy follows - no offence ladies.
Mike(Nathan's Dad): Why did you hit me?
Nathan: Because I panicked, alright? Don't make a big deal out of it!
Jamie: Tell him.
Nathan: OK, look. I know it's too late for me and you, I get that! I've known you didn't give a shit ever since you left me in IKEA with that paedophile!
Mike: What paedophile?!
Nathan: My eighth birthday! IKEA? The guy with the Swedish meatballs?
Mike: I don't remember that!
Nathan: How very convenient!
Mike: It's just the thing about the guy that was seeing your mum, uh, you said was trying to, uh, sexually abuse you!
Nathan: No, no, no, I made that up! This is something else! IKEA paedophile! Jesus, MEATBALLS!
Nathan: This isn't about who was or wasn't trying to sexually abuse me, right? It's about you and Jamie. Look, so I'm pretty much a complete write off, that's fine! Whatever..
Mike : Nathan..
Nathan:.. And so he hit you with a toaster, and kidnapped you, but you know what they say? DON'T FUCK A WOUNDED BEAR!
Mike: Jamie's dead!
Nathan: (scoffs) He's standing right there!
Mike: What? He's dead, son! He was in a car. It caught fire. I just had to go and identify his body! (telephone rings)Look, this is his mother, I've gotta talk to her.
Nathan: Your dead?
Nathan: So how come I can see you?
Jamie: I guess it's 'cause your immortal?
Nathan: No, no, this isn't happening! No, no, no I can fix this! How do I fix this?
Jamie: You can't.
Nathan: I don't want you to die, mate!
Jamie: It wasn't down to you. Just, don't go all mental about it. To be honest, it's not so bad!
Nathan: So, if your dead, what am I doing here exactly?
Jamie: I wanted you to sort things out with dad.
Nathan: Look, no offense, but I think it's gonna take more than you dying to fix YEARS of resentment, missed birthdays and all that dysfunctional bullshit, but it was a lovely thought!
Jamie: Look at him!
- Ollie: It's ok. I've had some training in conflict resolution.
- Nathan: This should be entertaining.
- Nathan: Hey no, it's ok. He's fine, he's over there!
- Curtis: I don't see him.
- Nathan: Oh. Then that must be his ghost, which means he's not at all ok, on account of him being dead.
- Nathan: Oh come on, seriously? He was never going to fit in, what with all the caring about the environment and that. Better him than me.
- Simon: You're immortal.
- Nathan: ... Better him than one of you.
- Nathan: It's a cruel senseless waste. A young man taken from us in his prime, leaving us to pick up the pieces of our shattered lives, knowing that he's gone forever. So maybe we should have the rest of the week off, you know to cry, and grieve, and remember our dear friend...
- Simon: Ollie.
- Nathan: ... Ollie! Dear beautiful Ollie!
- Nathan: I think I speak for all of us when I say we're lazy, and incompetent. We're practically handicapped!
- Nikki: Errr. You just tell me I've inherited the power to teleport, from the guy whose heart was transplanted into me. And now you're just going to walk off and leave it at that?! Well fuck you very much.
- Simon: He thinks I'm Conti.
- Nathan: Why does he think that?
- Simon: Because you told him I was!
- Nathan: Did I? Sorry man.
- Simon: You want me to buy you a drink?
- Nathan: I have never paid for a drink from this machine before, and I don't intend to start now.
- Nathan: Oh Jesus, he's got a shooter, and he's gonna kill her! I told you he was dangerous! ALRIGHT EVERYBODY CALM DOWN!
- Nathan: No no, I said let's have a big wank. Communal masturbation. The old circle jerk.
- Nathan: A bunch of young offenders develop superpowers, and not one of us thinks of using them to commit crime? Shame on us!
- Nathan: We're already criminals. I'm talking about becoming successful criminals. You know, the ones who make money, and don't get caught, and have girlfriends with enormous breast implants.
- Kelly: That's what happens when blokes spend all their time playing computer games and wanking over porn on the Internet.
- Nathan: ... Oh come on, if that was me bent over wearing a lovely pair of knickers you're telling me you wouldn't treat yourself to a good eyeful?
- Jessica: Piss off you pervert!
- Nathan: Okayy, but you know you would...
- Nathan: ... You don't want to me mess with me man, I do that cage fightin' shit. I've killed a Chinese man with my bare hands! Oh yeah. You're really scared now, huh?
- Simon: Have you got any enemies?
- Nathan: No. I'm universally popular and well liked. Why would anyone want to kill me?
- Curtis: I can think of a few reasons.
- Alisha: Definitely.
- Kelly: Shitloads.
- Simon: You annoy people.
- Nathan: So why are you here? It's not like you and him are big pals.
- Alisha: What and you are? Why are you here?
- Nathan: Well maybe I like him more than I let on.
- Alisha: Yeah, well maybe I do to.
- Nathan: The little bastard gets under your skin doesn't he.
- Nathan: She's like one of those evil bitch spiders. They lure you into their web, they shag ya, then they kill ya, and then they eat their own faeces.
- Nikki: If I had your power, I'd wait until I was cumming, then I'd rewind a couple of seconds, and just hover in the moment.
- Nathan: You know what you were right man, I was jealous. I'm jealous of your neat hair and your.. the strange staring that the ladies seem to love so much. And I hope that you and err...
- Simon: Jessica.
- Nathan: ... Jessica. Lovely lovely Jessica. I hope you'll be very happy together.
- Simon: You'll find your own girlfriend.
- Nathan: Already got one mate.
- Simon: Who is she?
- Nathan: Mo... Nee... Ca. She's French.
- Nathan: Does anybody else feel like a total cunt?
- Nathan: Nice costume.
- Alisha: Errr, she looks like a slut.
- Nathan: Yeah. Cute, slutty, murdering psychopath.
- Nikki: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
- Curtis: What're you doing?
- Nikki: I don't want to get cum on my dress, it's dry clean only.
- Bruno: Do you understand now? I just wanted to be human. It was all worth it, to be with you.
- Nathan: Why's a gorilla wearing a gorilla costume?
- Kelly: I meet a guy I really like, and he's a fucking monkey.
- Nathan: Well technically he was a gorilla, but let's not go there.
- Simon: Jessica isn't a psychopathic killer, she's a virgin.
- Nathan: I knew there was something wrong with her!
- Simon: There isn't any more.
- Nathan: I'm prouda ya man! ...And I expect to hear every disgusting detail.
- Simon: Maybe this is what it feels likes to be a superhero.
- Nathan: I think it might take more than you getting laid to turn you into a superhero.
- Nathan: Captain Invincible! (Looks at Curtis) Mr Backwards!
- Curtis: Makes me sound like a fucking retard.
- Nathan: (Turns to Simon) The Invisible Cunt.
- Simon: Why do I have to be the Invisible Cunt?
- Nathan: Cause you just are man.
- Nikki: Want some pizza??
- Curtis: Nah, I'm lactose intolerant.
- Nathan: Does that mean your afraid of cows?
- Nikki: Is it true you shit yourself when you die?
- Nathan: Hey! That only happened once. I have a spare pair of pants just in case.
- Nathan: (Looks behind him) So that boys and girls is how you shoot yourself in the head. I don't reccomend you try this at home.
- [Nathan]: [to Simon] I think I liked you better when you suffered from a crippling shyness.
- [Nathan]: Well maybe I'm a multimillionare who just chooses to live in a community centre.
- [Kelly]: Twenty fuckin' grand!
- [Simon]]: You sold your powers?
- [Kelly]: Yeah mate.
- [Simon]: You shouldn't be doing this. We were given them for a reason!
- [Nikki]: And what reason's that?
- [Curtis]: I'll give you twenty thousand reasons for getting rid of 'em!
- [Simon]: It's like in Superman 2 when Superman gives up his powers so that he can be with Lois Lane.
- [Kelly]: And?
- [Simon]: General Zod took over the world!
- [Curtis]: That's totally relevant, except there ain't no General Zod, and that's twenty thousand pounds. Later.
- Nathan: I met this little fella at a party on the estate.
- Alisha: What. And you went with him?
- Nathan: Well let's just say I didn't not go with him. Hey, I was very drunk, and he had his cock and balls taped into his arse crack. So from where I was kneeling it looked like a bald little pussy.
- Luke: Jesus. I... I shot someone
- Elliot: You did what!?
- Luke: She was just a girl. I killed her!
- Elliot: Are you sorry? ... Then God forgives you.
- Luke: Seriously? Just like that?
- Elliot: Just like that. Everything bad you've ever done. All the stealing, drugs and masturbating. Don't worry about it. You're forgiven.
- Curtis: I need my power back.
- Seth: That's not going to be possible.
- Curtis: What're you talking about?
- Seth: I don't have it.
- Curtis: What d'you mean, you don't have it?
- Seth: I sold it to an old Jewish guy. He said he wanted to rewind time and kill Hitler. You've got to admire his ambition.
- Kelly: You either get him his power back, or I'm going to start kicking you in the balls.
- Nathan: Yeah, I've seen her do it. You won't enjoy it one little bit.
- Kelly: He couldn't fuck his way out of a paper bag mate.
- Nathan: Look at him. He's got the body of a small malnourished prepubescent child.
- Kelly: You can't go around pretending to be Jesus. What's God going to say?
- Marnie: You haven't even got a beard!
- Elliot: Hey! I gave my life to Him. I went without money and sex. What a joke! I preached and prayed, and no-one gave a shit. You do a few miracles, everyone thinks you're the messiah. Have you seen that lot out there? I've given their lives... meaning.
- Nathan: I'm sorry. Would you mind getting her to stop? That's very distracting.
- Curtis: One of your followers killed my girlfriend.
- Simon: You're exploiting the vulnerable.
- Kelly: You're taking money of people.
- Alisha: Intentionally assaulting girls.
- Elliot: Hey, that's the Catholic Church for you.
- Nathan: Hey, he's got a point. When I was growing up in Ireland, if the priests weren't fiddling with you, you were one of the ugly kids.
- Nathan: We may have done sod all with our powers, but at least we never abused them. We never raped or murdered anyone!
- Curtis: (Referring to Alisha) She raped me, and we killed loads of people.
- Nathan: ...Okay, but we're the good guys!
- Elliot: If the mountain won't come to Mohammed...
- Nathan: Now he's starting on the Muslims!
- Neophyte: Our Lord has sacrificed Himself, again.
- Kelly: He's not Jesus! He's just a dickhead with a few super powers.
- Neophyte: Super powers? Do you really expect me to believe that?
- Rudy One: The probation worker's looking for you.
- Tanya: And why's that?
- Rudy One: Because he seems to be under the impression that you've stolen a dog-shaped charity box, on account of him having found it in your locker. Mm! You fuck with me, I'll fuck with you right back with a cherry on top.
- Simon: [talking about a one-night stand of Rudy's] So are you going to call her?
- Rudy One: No, and I'll tell you why: When you buy a dog, right, you know that one day, the dog, it'll grow old and it'll die and oh, you're just gonna be heartbroken, you loved that dog, it was just a cheeky little scamp. Here's an idea, don't buy the fucking dog! Save everyone the bastard hassle. It's better to make her cry a little bit now, than break her heart in three years when she's in love with me and we've bought a bunch of shitty furniture together; it's just the humane thing to do, isn't it?
- Seth: [talking about Finn and Jess] They show up here the day after we get the briefcase. They're not on Community Service. It's bullshit.
- Rudy One: I'm all over it. Those poor, deluded fools are under the misguided belief that I am their probation worker. It turns out that I'm quite the actor.
- Jess: [watching Rudy open locker with a fire extinguisher] What are you doing?
- Rudy One: I... I am looking for a sandwich. That I put in one of these lockers for safekeeping. But I'll be buggered if I can remember which one it's in. I bloody hate it when I misplace a sandwich.
- Jess: Me, too. It's extremely upsetting. What kind of sandwich was it?
- Rudy One: It was cheese. It was a cheese sandwich.
- Jess: Perhaps a mouse ate it. Those furry little bastards do love a bit of cheese.
- Rudy One: They do. Bloody mice. Now you'll have to excuse me, though, 'cause I have very important probation worker business to attend to, for I am a probation worker.
- Rudy One: Hey, how about that, then? That's quite a tale, that is. Took twists and turns, didn't it? New powers [pointing at Finn]. A hint of sexual possibilities [looking at Jess]. Tears, laughter, horribly graphic violence. Oh, mate, mutilated testicles! [laughs] Yes. Something for all the family.
- Rudy One: Wait, what's wrong with me toothbrush?
- Rudy Two: You don't have a toothbrush.
- Rudy One: I am sharing with Finn.
- Rudy Two: Does he know that?
- Rudy One: Does he need to know that?
- Rudy Two: Look, you take care of your teeth and I'll take care of mine.
- Rudy One: You really are a petty, selfish little man.
- Finn: We forgot the remote control for the TV. There's no remote.
- Jess: And to a guy, that's like losing a testicle.
- Finn: It's like losing three testicles. We need to go round to Lisa's to get it. And by we, I mean you need to drive me round there.
- Jess: And there's no way you can just get up and walk over to the TV when you need to change channels?
- Finn: Is that a joke? This isn't the '70s.
- Rudy One: [laughs and points at Finn's pants] Those are a mistake, by the way.
- Finn: What are?
- Rudy One: Light-coloured trousers. And listen, that's a basic schoolboy error, that is, mate.
- Finn: What's wrong with these?
- Rudy One: [in a mocking tone] "What's wrong with these?" We're about to enter a war zone, mate. Things'll get really messy. Honestly, man, it's going to be the most insane house party you've ever been to in your shitty little life. Strangers are going to fuck strangers, heads are going to get shaved. There'll be puke, blood, sperm and piss.
- Finn: Will there be a buffet?
- Rudy One: Yes, there'll be a buffet. A buffet of drugs, alcohol and shagging. This is Richard Saunders, do you understand me? Richard "The Colonel" Saunders. He's a fucking lunatic. You know they used to call him Richard Two-Tabs? Because he used to drop two tabs of acid before he'd even got out of frigging bed in the morning. So to summarize, a Richard Saunders house party is absolutely no place for fucking chinos, man.
- Finn: Well, they aren't chinos so...
- Rudy One: They are chinos.
- Rudy One: You're sulking 'cause you've been blown out of the water by the sexy barman, aren't you?
- Fin: Well, he's not sexy.
- Rudy One: He's quite sexy.
- Fin: Okay, he's quite sexy. He's got the whole face thing going on. So what?
- Finn: What kind of rabbit?
- Rudy One: I don't know what kind of fucking rabbit. They're all the same.
- Finn: Well, actually they're not. Well, you've got the lop-eared, the American lop-eared, the French Angora...
- Rudy One: Shut up, be quiet. It is a psycho rabbit and it is wearing a suit and it's got a golf club. That's all I know.
- Finn: Right. Did it have a silky coat?
- Rudy One: Just shut up! Shut up about the rabbit.
- Rudy One: Hey, come on, drink up, we're leaving.
- Alex: Why?
- Rudy One: Because there's a giant white rabbit out there and he's wearing a suit and he's got a golf club and... he's going round killing people.
- Alex: What rabbit?
- Rudy One: What is wrong with you both? It's just a fucking rabbit.
- Jess: Alex is out of surgery. He's going to be okay.
- Rudy One: Ah! Get in mate! Well done. I tell you now, I never doubted it for a second. The handsome barman lives.
- Rudy One: [Scouts in the community center] Whoa! Scouts, dude! Yes! You're Scouts! These were the happiest, and proudest days of my life. Look at them!
- Jess: You were in the Scouts? That should never have been allowed.
- Rudy One: I swore. I swore a solemn oath to, you know obey the Scout Law, to to do me best, to do my duty to God and her lovely majestic majesty, the Queen. I lived by a code like a Samurai warrior.
- Finn: Yeah, that's you all over.
- Rudy One: And then they cast me out.
- Abbey: And why were you cast out?
- Rudy One: I don't want to talk about it. I will say this. A Scout is meant to walk an impossible line between his love of scouting and his raging hormones in the first flushes of sexual adventure. [a girl in a scout uniform walks by] There are girls! You're a girl? Oh, shit! That is an unnatural abomination. That is not how Baden Powell intended it. Take that uniform off, you look like a dick!
- Stuart: You don't have to be embarrassed. About your, um, your power.
- Finn: What about you? What's your power?
- Stuart: Me? Ah... It's, uh, complicated. I don't really like to talk about it.
- Finn: It's all right. You don't have to if you don't want to.
- Stuart: The thing is other people make certain assumptions about my [clears throat] sexuality, and...
- Finn: What, they think you're gay?
- Stuart: Yeah, yeah, I guess they do.
- Finn: And... Are you gay?
- Stuart: No- [he disappears into thin air and then appears in a closet and walks out] Now you know.
- Finn: Fuck off! You're... You're literally trapped in the closet? [laughs] How funny is that?! [Stuart gives him a look] And also very serious and quietly poignant.
- Stuart: Yeah.
- Finn: Actually, I've got a friend who can take powers.
- Stuart: How does he take powers? How does it work?
- Finn: I'll let him fill you in on the details. Oh, you're gonna love him. His name's Alex. He's on community service.
- Greg: [about old Rudy Two] Who the fuck might this be?! [to Rudy One] What's the matter? Cat got your tongue. [screeches like a cat] Aren't you going to introduce us?
- Rudy One: Shit, I don't know who he is. He's nothing to do with me.
- Jess: He's my granddad.
- Greg: [to Rudy One] Men like this fought in wars. Cheek by jowl. Belly-down, crawling through the mud, the blood and fear and for what? Boys with hair straighteners. Girls in jeggings with their flabby arses hanging out! [to old Rudy Two] It was my very real privilege to have met you, sir. [salutes him and leaves]
- Rudy One: You've cast a spell! I can't eat, I can't sleep, and I can't shit. Without that [poking Jess' nose] popping into me head.
- Jess: Well, I hate to mess up your well established routine of eating, sleeping, and shitting, so, do you want to meet up later and talk about it?
- Rudy One: Yeah.
- Jess: Okay. Well, it's a date.
- Rudy One: Girl, you're a witch. You're a beautiful freakin' witch. You know that?
- Jess: So, do you want to talk about what's going on with us?
- Rudy One: Yeah, I do. Right, now, when it comes to Finley, there is no us. Honestly, I'll just deny I even know you. "Jess? Who's Jess? Is she that Chinese fellow with a bit of a limp?"
- Jess: So, we can't just be honest about it?
- Rudy One: Of course, we can be honest. We can be honest about it. That's my middle name. Rudy Honest Jeffrey Wade. [they both laugh] You go first.
- Jess: I like you [Rudy pumps his fist], which is really weird because you can be such a total dick.
- Rudy One: Hey, whoa. Well, I refute that. That's... That is refuted.
- Jess: If you want to start seeing me, I'm not going to sneak around. We have to tell Finn.
- Rudy One: Or we could just not tell him. Bingo.
- Rudy One:[knocks her phone out of her hand into the water] Morning! Good morning, Jessica!
- Jess: What the fuck are you doing? That's my phone!
- Rudy One: Yeah, I know. I've only gone and bloody liberated you. Freed you from the tyrannies of freakin' texting. You free now? Just take off your shackles. Get rid of 'em. Throw it in there. [in sing-song] Free Nelson Mandela, Shoes too small to fit these feet. [speaking normally] He should have gone to Clarks. They do have a bit of a wider fit.
- Jess: You're paying for a new phone.
- Rudy One: What do you mean? You don't have insurance? Bloody hell. Well, some people might call that a bit irresponsible. You know what I mean? [Jess gives him a look] Not me, I think it's adorable. I call it adorable.
- Jess: I call it not having a fucking phone. [storms off]
- Rudy One: Adorable! Fuck!!!
- Rudy One: Oh, honestly, bloody hell! What a strange and unpredictable world we all bloody live in!
- Alex: So how does this girl's power work?
- Rudy One: Well, I don't know. Her mate seems to think it's something to do with computers and freakin' insert yourself into people. I don't really understand it, but she has got our little monkey man, and I for one will not let him be experimented on. Unless she's dressing him up, man, like one of them chimps in the PG Tips adverts, then colour me amused.
- Jess: What did Finn say, has he found out about us?
- Rudy One: No, he thinks I've killed a baby seal.
- Alex: Well look, guys, all of this stuff, it's gonna be something to do with the storm, isn't it?
- Rudy One: Who's this fucking guy, man? Clever and handsome, it's unbelievable.
- Rudy One: [after Rudy Two leaves] You know, this is your fucking fault, this is, eh. You're just filling his head with all these big ideas. He's going off being his own person, doing his own fucking thing. Do you know what you're doing? You're trying to spilt up the band. Me and him are the fucking Beatles, mate, and you're just that yodelling Chinese woman.
- Helen: Yoko Ono?
- Rudy One: Yeah.
- Helen: She's Japanese.
- Rudy One: Is she?
- Iwan Rheon as Simon Bellamy
- Lauren Socha as Kelly Bailey
- Nathan Stewart-Jarrett as Curtis Donovan
- Antonia Thomas as Alisha Bailey
- Robert Sheehan as Nathan Young
- Joseph Gilgun as Rudy Wade