Misfits (TV series)

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Misfits is a British comedy-drama series about a group of young offenders forced to work in a community service programme, where they attain preternatural powers after a strange electrical storm. The first series started broadcasting on 12 November 2009 on E4, and was produced by Clerkenwell Films.

Series 1[edit]

Episode 1[edit]

Tony: This is it. It's your chance to do something positive. Give something back. You can help people, you can really make a difference to people's lives. That's what community service is all about. There are people out there who think you're scum. You have an opportunity to show them they're wrong.
Nathan: Yeah, but what if they're right? [looks at Gary] No offence. [pointing at Gary] But I'm thinking some people are just born criminals.
Gary: You're looking to get stabbed?
Nathan: You see my point there?

Alisha: What? I thought you had finished!
Tony: You see my lips still moving, this means I'm still talking!
Nathan: Yeah, but you could have been yawning or... chewing.

Kelly: Ehm, what makes you think you’re better than us?
Nathan: What is that accent?!
Curtis: Is that for real?
Kelly: What are you trying to say something, yeah?
Nathan: It’s a- are you- that’s just a noise! Are we supposed to be able to understand her?!
Kelly: [flicks him off] Do you understand that?

Nathan: What about you, weird kid? Don't take this in the wrong way or anything, but you look like a pantie-sniffer.
Simon: I'm not a pantie-sniffer. I'm not a pervert. [Nathan mimes masturbating and makes strange noises, teasing him] I tried to burn someone's house down!
Nathan: Verrr!

Kelly: A girl called me a slag so I just got into a fight.
Nathan: Was this on The Jeremy Kyle Show?

Kelly: What did you do?
Nathan: Me? I was done for eating some pick 'n' mix.
Kelly: Bollocks.

Tony: It's my car!
Nathan: Ha, classic!

Nathan: I'll tell you who did it, it's that Banksy prick. There is a hidden meaning. It's like that monkey police man with a banana and a Tesco's bag.

Kelly: You know, after the storm, did any of you's start feeling dead weird?
Nathan: Yeah, I had a strange tingling sensation in my anus.

Nathan: A group of young people doing mindless shit all day. Face it man it's bound to happen. It always does. It's biology. Or physics. One of those. Do we have a deal? [spits on his hand]
Curtis: No.

Curtis: They said 'cause of my profile, they needed to send a message.
Nathan: You let yourself down. You let the kids down. You let your parents down.

Alisha: Chloe's on one, because she thinks Jack is doing Lucy. Total slut fuck. So, we get in my car. I drive us to the party. We go into one of the rooms, yeah. Jack’s not doing Lucy; he’s doing Ellie. She is a proper slut. Chloe freaks. I’m driving us back into town. Chloe's all like, "Ugh. I feel sick." I'm like, "Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Don't puke in my car. Do not. Puke. In my car." That’s when the police pull us over. I’m already banned from driving, so I am like, "Fuuuck." This cop, yeah, he hands me the breathalyser, and I’m like, "Do I suck, or blow?" [starts to suck the bottle] It’s insane, I’m totally working it, yeah?

Alisha: Now, I don’t know if this cop is gay or what, but he tells me I’m four times over the limit. It’s bullshit. I didn’t even want to go to the party.

Nathan: OK. If you can hear our thoughts, what am I thinking? [thinks “This is bullshit”]
Kelly: Do you think it's bullshit?
Nathan: Of course I think it's bullshit, you don't need to be a mind reader to know that.
Kelly: Why are you on a wheelchair?
Nathan: It was the storm. The strange tingling sensation in my anus is spread to my body, and now... I can't feel my legs.

Nathan: I'm no doctor, but you see the way the side of his head's all caved in like that...?

Simon: If there is no body, there is no crime.

Nathan: I'm pretty sure this breaches the terms of my ASBO.

Nathan: There is no going back now, man. You were just as screwed as the rest of us. You are black AND famous. You are probably more screwed!

Nathan: Didn't you say you wanted to piss on her tits? Probably best to keep that kind of thing between you and your internet service provider.

Nathan: What if I can't feel pain? [Kelly hits him] Ow!

Nathan: A few days ago... I go into the toilets, Tony and Gary were in there. They are butt naked, Tony has Gary by his hair, like this, and he's just doing him, doggy style. And Tony is like, "Who's your daddy? I'm your daddy, I'm Big Daddy. Oh! Oh yeah, you like that? Oh, yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, I'm Daddy Cool!" So I'm guessing they've ran away to continue their illicit homosexual affair. I ask you, in this world of intolerance and prejudice, who are we to condemn them?

Simon: Maybe you can fly.
Alisha: He's not gonna be able to fly.
Nathan: Yeah, there's always someone that can fly. Check it out.
Kelly: Don't.
Nathan: Ow! No, that's not it.

Curtis: So what happens now? Is this it? Are we gonna be like this forever?
Simon: What if we are meant to be, like, superheroes?
Nathan: You lot, superheroes? No offence, but in what kind of fucked-up world would that be allowed to happen?
Alisha: I did not sign up for that.
Nathan: Superheroes! I love this guy - you prick!
Kelly: What if there’s load of people like us all over town?
Nathan: No, that kind of thing only happens in America. This will fade away. I’m telling you, by this time next week, it’ll be back to the same old boring shit.

Episode 2[edit]

Nathan: You can think what you like, but I have a superpower and I just need to find out what it is.
Alisha: Maybe you're just super-retarded.
Nathan: Maybe I've got a whole Spider-Man vibe going on. You know, maybe I can climb stuff and do spider shit.
Curtis: Yeah, because that makes perfect sense. Why would you be able to climb stuff?
Nathan: I don't know. How is it that you can turn back time, apparently, and weird kid can turn invisible? It's not like this whole situation is backed up by a wank-load of logic.

Alisha: He is obviously some kind of pervert, or he's gay.
Curtis: That follows.
Alisha: Well, he was cruising for rough trade. They love that shit.
Curtis: Oh, a little light homophobia. Go for it.

Simon: Maybe he's a werewolf.
Nathan: Twat.
Simon: It's what happens in the films. You turn into a werewolf, you kill someone and you wake up somewhere, naked –like a zoo.

Kelly: [goes near Stan, the old man] Is he dead? I think he's dead.
Nathan: [goes near one of the man's hears] SHE'S STEALING YOUR PENSION!
Stan: OOH!
Nathan: Nah, he's fine.

Nathan: [runs with a old woman in a wheelchair] OK, Joan. Let’s pick up some speed. Let’s get that wind flowing through your hair. Let’s get that wind flowing through your scalp, come on. [sees a young lady and leaves Joan go alone]

Kelly: Is this a wind up? Is this you?
Nathan: If I was trying to wind you up, I think I’d be a little more creative. “I know what film you saw last summer.”

Nathan: Listen, I’m telling you, Mom. He was out there running around naked like a wolf boy.
Louise: What's a wolf boy?
Nathan: It’s a boy, raised by wolves. You know, little hairy kid in Siberia. We watched it on the Discovery Channel.

Nathan: If they actually knew anything, they wouldn’t be dicking around sticking notes on lockers. They would’ve gone to the police. And we’d all be banged up in prison, getting gang-raped in the showers. But this, this means that they have no evidence. No proof. Nothing.

Nathan: [shows to Jeremy the photo he took of him naked in a car park] George Michael gets away with this shit, but he used to be in Wham. Who are you?

Nathan: So just... take your crappy shit, and go. [breaks a radio]
Jeremy: That's your mum's.
Nathan: Well, I'll buy her a new one 'cause that's what sons do for their mums.

Ruth: The worst thing about being lonely is knowing somebody knows you are lonely.

Nathan: I shagged someone's gran!
Ruth: I haven't got any grandchildren.
Nathan: Well, that's ok than, because that could have been really awkward.

Nathan: I'm not being funny, but a woman of your age.. if you don't settle out with someone before your look go, you've got no chance.
Louise: Thanks.
Nathan: I can't look after you when you're eighty. You'll be phoning me every time you wanna change the TV channel? No, too painful. I've got my flat. It's better for all of us.

Nathan: [to Jeremy] If you ever hurt her, I'll take you up at the vet and have you put down.

Louise: Every man I meet. There's always a reason you take against them. It's like when you said Richard was sexually abusing you.
Nathan: It's nothing like that. This is true.

Nathan: So are you like a member of staff or something?
Young Ruth: I'm a volunteer.
Nathan: Volunteer?! I love to volunteer.
Young Ruth: Is that why they gave you community service?
Nathan: Could be, could be. I'd probably just be here anyway you know, helping out.

Young Ruth: So what did you do?
Nathan: I sexually assaulted a 90-year-old woman.
Young Ruth: That's funny.
Nathan: She didn't seem to think so at the time. God rest her soul.

Nathan: He's not a werewolf. This guy is such a pussy, he has to get my mum to open jars for him. I'm pretty sure a werewolf could open a jar of peanut butter for himself.

Alisha: You should come out with us some time.
Curtis: I would you know but, my mum told me to stay away from girls like you.
Alisha: Your mum has never met a girl like me.

Nathan: Your boyfriend is some kind of psycho, rough trade, gay, rapist, werewolf!

Episode 3[edit]

Ben: OK, so, if you've got any questions, just ask.
Nathan: If a bear and a shark had a fight, who would win?
Ben: If you've got any relevant questions, just ask. Oh, and if it's on dry land, I'd bet on the bear.

Nathan: Ski wear. Classic. Try walking ten miles to the well in these.

Nathan: You alright?
Kelly: What?
Nathan: You're usually a whole lot gobbier than this.
Kelly: No, I'm not.
Nathan: Come on, you haven't punched me in a few hours. I'm worried about you.

Nathan: [puts on ski goggles] Hey hey, who am I? One luhh ohh yeaahh huh huuuhh ahh... Come on! Okay, alright, alright. I’ll give you a clue. I’m an annoying cunt.
Alisha: Yeah, we know that.
Nathan: I'm Bono!

Curtis: You think because you're beautiful you can treat people anyway you want?
Alisha: Yeah, that's pretty much how it works. Haven't you figured that out yet?
Curtis: You're so messed up. And you don't even know it.

Nathan: Hurray! It's the starlet of justice!
Kelly: I was only saying that the lad that she used to go out with was a dick. I was only being nice.
Nathan: Oh, yeah, you were being lovely. Right up until you threw the chair at her.

Simon: What's he doing? [talking about Nathan]
Curtis: He's trying to smash the bottle with his mind... I think he's gonna shit himself.

Nathan: I’ve got a power! I know it! I can feel it in my balls!

Nathan: Look, we’re a bunch of young offenders and not one of us knows how to steal a car? That is pathetic.

Nathan: I like your cap.
Kelly: No! [runs away]
Nathan: What...
Simon: Did you know she was bald?
Nathan: 'Course not, twat. Jesus.
Alisha: She looked like an alien.
Nathan: Ah, don't be mean. [laughs] She did, didn't she?

Nathan: So the probation worker is driving around with the stiffs in the boot of her car. Just thought you'd want to know. Anyway, call me!

Curtis: You don't need to use your power on me. I'm already there.

Nathan: [to the guys] Oh, get the bodies! [throws a brick on Sally's windshield]
Sally: What the hell are you doing?!
Nathan: It's just pure, mindless vandalism!
Sally: What is the matter with you? Are you mentally deficient?!
Nathan: If I was mentally deficient, I would have missed. Check that out. Bull's-eye!

Simon: They are gonna think the probation worker is still alive. I stole his credit card. I used it to book a flight.
Curtis: That is smart!
Kelly: You're dead good at stuff like that.
Nathan: Yeah! Nice one, weird kid.
Simon: We should all go out for drink, you know, to celebrate. It's like an ironic "fuck you" to the probation worker. We're all out having a good time - you're buried under the foundations of an environmental monitoring station.

Simon: Do you wanna come for a drink?
Nathan: Are you asking me out in a date?
Simon: No, I meant all of us.
Nathan: Did you? I'm not your whore!

Episode 4[edit]

Curtis: Oh hey, Nathan, I need your help!
Nathan: Do I know you? ...Are you taking a shit?
Curtis: What?
Nathan: There is a guy over here taking a shit!

Beverly (the manager): Excuse me, you can't just help yourself to anything you fancy. This is not a buffet, that's theft. I could have you arrested for that.
Nathan: Really? For eating some pick 'n' mix?
Beverly: You're paying for the sweets in your mouth and for that drink.

Beverley. Isn't that a women's name?

Beverly: Pay up and leave.
Nathan: Haha, Beverley. That's brilliant. Why did your parents give you a girl's name?
Beverly: This is your final warning.
Nathan: Maybe you were born with both sets of genitalia. You know like a chick with a dick.
Beverly: [talks to a walkie-talkie] Can I have security to the concession stand?
Nathan: But I’m guessing your parents wanted a boy so they kept your cock and sewed up your clunge.
Beverly: You’re coming with me.
Nathan: [talks to his walkie-talkie screaming] I’m being assaulted by a chick with a dick! Help me! They sewed up his clunge! They sewed up his clunge!

Beverly: I was like you when I was younger. I thought I knew everything. I was a right cocky little arsehole.
Nathan: And look where it got you! You've got the big office, you've got a staple gun... you're living the dream, man!
Beverly: You think you're better than all this?
Nathan: I know, I'm better then this. Because Bev, if I'm not, I'll probably have to kill myself.
Beverly: You haven't got a clue.

Simon: I got your text.
Matt: What text?
Simon: You sent me a text telling me to meet you here.
Matt: I was texting my mate. I meant a different Simon.

Mike (Nathan's Dad): Don't be a wanker.
Nathan: Thanks for the fatherly advice. It makes me feel all warm inside.

Nathan:Beverley, I don't want him paying for it.
Mike: You want him to call the police, do ya?
Nathan:Yeah, I do actually. Bev, call the police.
Mike: Yeah, you heard him man? C'mon, call the police.
Nathan: Call'em. ...Are you still here? [Mike leaves] See ya dad, let's do this again sometime it's been really special.
Manager: You and your dad seem close. Haha.
Nathan: Oh shut up Beverley. [uses the staple gun on one of Beverley's hand]

Lee (Kelly's fiancé): [finds an engagement ring in a car he's stealing] Kel? Do you wanna marry me? ...What?
Kelly: That is so fucking romantic!

Sally: Tony. [he starts kicking a pole] Tony! Stop it, stop it. It's a car. It's insured.
Tony: Your engagement ring was there!
Sally: You were gonna propose to me?
Tony: Yeah.
Sally: Can I still say yes?

Sam: If they had caught us with the drugs, we would have been screwed.
Curtis: Shh, it didn't happen. Everything is gonna be alright. We got away with it. We did it.

Curtis: What happened?
Nathan: We were doing our, community service... our probation worker flipped out. Just... just went crazy and, and he killed them.
Curtis: How come you survived?
Nathan: They said I was half dead when they found me. Guess I'm just lucky.

Episode 5[edit]

Nathan: Melon-fucker!

Sally: He's got Tony's credit card.
Pete: I'm sorry, it's not enough.

Sally: This is your chance to talk about community service.
Alisha: It's... bullshit.
Sally: So do you think that you have learned anything?
Curtis: Yeah. Don't get caught.
Sally: Fine... how do you think you have changed?
Nathan: I think I'm taller.
Kelly: They graffiti and we clean it off. They graffiti and we clean it off. They graffiti and we clean it off. What is that about?

Nathan: [sings] Raff in the jungle, innit in the jungle! Raff in the jungle, innit in the jungle! Raff...

Sally: He's such a twat. Sorry, that was really unprofessional.
Simon: He is a twat.

Simon: I like making videos, editing them together and that.

Nathan: We have out-foxed the fox, which makes us very bloody foxy!

Simon: I think she is lonely.
Shygirl18: Are you lonely?
Simon: Yes.
Shygirl18: Then go for it. Ask her out.

Nathan: See? Babies. That's why I always use a condom. And if the girl looks dirty, I use two. Belt and braces!

Nathan: He's... He's been been arrested. For... exposing himself... in public.
Sam: Exposing himself? What?
Nathan: Yeah. Flashing.
Simon: At some Scouts.

Nathan: Your girlfriend was here. The other one.

Curtis: I feel so guilty! Time rewinds and it's like I've never said it. I ended it six times. She cries and I'm back where I started. It's doing my head. I just need it to be over!
Nathan: You need to make her hate ya. Seriously... she's steaming, she's telling you got a tiny dick, you're a crap in bed, you don't feel guilty... maybe time won't rewind.

Sam: What you just said. It's from Spider-Man. You're dumping me with a line from Spider-Man?
Curtis: No, no, no. No!
Sam: You immature pathetic shallow bastard!

Simon: He stopped speaking to me when we started secondary school.
Sally: Did he give you an hard time?
Simon: Every morning when I woke up I felt sick just thinking about him. I told my parents and the teachers. They knew it was happening. No one did anything.

Simon: There was a cat.
Sally: A cat?
Simon: Inside the house. I thought “the cat didn't bullied me at school, he hasn't done anything".

Curtis: You know what you said about “no matter what I do, the ones I love will be the ones who pay”? Is that from Spider-Man?
Nathan: I don't know. I was just trying to sound intelligent.

Nathan: Him and his mum can come live with me at the Community Centre! I can get free food from the vending machines and I’ll steel booze from the kitchen. I’ll steal from other babies! I’ll go to the park and forage for nuts and berries!
Finn [the baby]: [thinking] You prick.

Alisha: So I guess we're getting serious then.

Kelly: Is that your tea?
Nathan: [shows what he got from the vending machine] Starter, main course, dessert. And a nice refreshing beverage to wash it down.
Kelly: You can't live on that shit. Why don’t you come round my house and I’ll cook you dinner?

Simon: You shouldn't have taken my phone. Give me the phone.

Simon: I can't let you go to the police.
Sally: Simon, you don't owe them anything.
Simon: They are the only friend I've got.

Episode 6[edit]

Ellie: [giving a speech] I went with so many boys. And girls, boys and girls at the same time. I took part in... disgusting, perverted, unnatural acts. I was drinking and taking drugs. I used bad language all the time. I called my mum... a “fat bitch”. But I'm not like that any more. I'm a good person.
Nathan: That... that ain't normal.

Nathan: Try that in your driving test. That's getting you a fail. Or a pass... and probably some kind of internal injury.

Kelly: [to Simon] What about your friends?
Nathan: I believe that’s generally referred to as a “paedophile ring”.
Simon: I’m not a paedophile.
Nathan: Yeah? You’d screw your own sister for a slice of cheese.
Simon: I don’t even like cheese.
Nathan: That makes it even worse, you sick bastard.

Rachel: Don't you have any shame?
Alisha: Don't you have any dress sense? Seriously, you look like my mum.
Rachel: And you look like a slut.
Alisha: [amused] Are you for real?
Rachel: You think having sex with boys will make them respect you? If you behave like a slut, they’ll treat you like a slut.
Alisha: Freak.

Rachel: [to Nathan who is sitting making a joint] Excuse me, you know using Marijuana can cause epilepsy and mental illness? ...I'm talking to you! What's wrong with you? You don't need to behave like this. You can be so much better.
Nathan: [he's listening to music, stands up and sees Rachel] Nice cardigan!

Curtis: She's saying all this weird stuff about sex and that. She says she's saving herself until she's ready to make a proper commitment.
Nathan: It's a sad day for all of us when a bird like that decides it's time to pull up her knickers.
Curtis: You realise that's my girlfriend you're talking about?
Nathan: And I feel your pain.

Simon: When weird stuff happens, it's always the storm. Haven't you worked that out yet?
Curtis: He has got a point.
Nathan: Did you just recently grow a set of balls?
Simon: I've always had a set of balls. You just never seen them.
Nathan: That is about the gayest thing I've ever heard.

Nathan: It's my wank sock.
Kelly: Aw no! Use a tissue!
Nathan: Well that requires planning, man. Look, you just knocked one out, right? Poom-byo! You're lying there, you're feeling cheap and deflated. There’s a pool of rapidly cooling spunk on your stomach. You’re looking round for something to mop up with. Oh, hello. What’s this? It’s a sock. Job done. Thank you.
Kelly: Maybe that's your power!
Nathan: I am very good at it.

Nathan: There's never a probation worker around when you need one.

Simon: Who's Barry?
Nathan: You are.
Kelly: His name is Simon.
Nathan: Is it? I thought it was Barry.

Nathan: What if that “virtue bitch” shows up? She is vexing them with some kind of Derren Brown voodoo mind shit. We need to gear up.

Nathan: Oh no…
Kelly: Why are you in my bedroom?
Nathan: What did they do to you?
Kelly: I think I look nice.
Nathan: Okay, yeah, I suppose you could argue it’s a huge improvement. I get that. It’s not you.
Kelly: That’s a good thing. I had a terrible attitude. I was so aggressive.
Nathan: Yes, but in a good way. You’re the only person that gives me a slap. There’s no bullshit with you.
Kelly: I was a horrible chav. I didn’t like who I was.
Nathan: I did... I can’t believe I’m going to say this... I liked your attitude. I liked how you look, the way you scraped your hair back so that sometimes you looked a bit oriental. It worked for me. And your jewelry! You know, Argos has a bad press. Who says you can’t buy an engagement ring and a George Foreman grill at the same time? Your makeup! This is probably better actually. Look, what I’m trying to say here is that it should have been a complete car crash, but it wasn’t. It had attitude! Like you, it was you. And now you’re not… you. I have never... should have left you back there. I shouldn't have left you, I'm sorry. [kisses her on the cheek]
Kelly: That was really inappropriate.

Nathan: There's only one thing ladies should be inserting in themselves, and that's knowledge. [pretending to be one of the “good guys”]

Nathan: She's got you thinking this is how you're supposed to be. Well, it's not! We're young. We're supposed to drink too much. We're supposed to have bad attitudes and shag each other's brains out. We are designed to party. This is it. Yeah, so a few of us will overdose or go mental. But Charles Darwin said you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. And that's what it's all about - breaking eggs! And by eggs, I do mean, getting twatted on a cocktail of Class A's. If you could just see yourselves! It breaks my heart. You're wearing cardigans! We had it all. We fucked up bigger and better than any generation that came before us. We were so beautiful! We're screw-ups. I'm a screw-up and I plan to be a screw-up until my late 20s, maybe even my early 30s. And I will shag my own mother before I let her... or anyone else, take that away from me!

Rachel: Your gun's leaking. ...So you threatened me with a water pistol?

Nathan: [Simon appears] Save me, Barry! [Nathan falls off the roof] Nooo!

Simon: Kelly. This is for you. [gives her a CD]
Kelly: What is it?
Simon: Watch it.

Nathan: I've got a power. I bloody knew it! Who's laughing now? ...I'm alive! Help! HELP! You buried me alive you dicks! Help! ...I'm immortal. That's just great. Thank you. Thanks a lot. Un-fucking-believable.

Series 2[edit]

Episode 1[edit]

Curtis: It's wind-up. Who uses a paper aeroplane?
Kelly: Well, whoever it is, they're going to get a slap.
Simon: I... I don't think you should slap them.
Curtis: To her that's saying hello. [Alisha chuckles]
Kelly: Are you trying to say something, yeah?
Curtis: No.

Nathan: [wakes up in coffin with all Misfits around him] AAAAAAAAH!!!!
Curtis: What the fuck!?
Nathan: Haha! You should see the looks on your faces. Classic!

Kelly: So if you're not dead, how come you smell so bad??
Nathan: I appear to have shat myself.

Alisha: Were you having a wank in there?
Nathan: So what if I was? A man can't enjoy a quick shuffle in his own coffin? It's not like I was expectin' visitors.

Nathan: I need to eat. Has anyone got a kebab?
Simon: D'you want some chewing gum?
Nathan: Tutti frutti?
Simon: I like it.

Kelly: [to Curtis] You hit him again, I'll kick your balls back into your stomach, mate.

Nathan: [comes out of toilet] It's all hot cross buns and Easter Eggs when Jesus gets resurrected.

Simon: We should set up a password that we can say to each other so we know it's us.
Nathan: “Monkey slut”!
Alisha: We're not having “monkey slut” as a password.
Nathan: What are the chances of that being brought up in a normal conversation? Kinda low, no?
Kelly: Just go with it. “Monkey slut”.

Nathan: Can we please stop killing our probation workers?

Simon: You expect me to tell you anything after how you've treat me? All the names you've called me?
Nathan: What names?
Simon: Weird kid. Panty sniffer. Virgin. Freak. Twat. Pervert. Paedophile. Melon fucker. ...I just want to be your friend.
Nathan: Sure, man.

Nathan: C'mon, man. Be serious. That requires an inhuman level of self-restraint that no man is capable of. The siren call of the blow-job renders all men powerless.

Alisha: [commenting on Nathan's impalement on a pipe] Does that hurt?
Nathan: Only when I breathe - eeeeeeerrrrgh.

Nathan: The bad news is, the mental girl, she knows the password. “Monkey slut” is blown.

Simon: [affected by Alisha's power] I wanna rub my cock in your hairy armpit!
Alisha: Happy now?
Nathan: Cock. Armpit. It wasn't pretty.

Nathan: [Simon gets hit] Barry!!!

Nathan: Don't worry about me. I'll just die... again.

Lucy: Do you really think they're going to be friends with someone like you?
Simon: [nods] For the first time in my life, I feel like I belong. I've never been this happy.

Lucy: You should have visited me.
Simon: I couldn't go back to the unit. I can't go back.
Lucy: It's where you belong.
Simon: I'm not that person any more. I like who I am now. Don't take that away from me.

Nathan: That stuff I said about your... hugh vagina. I didn't mean it. I'm sure it's a beauty.
Kelly: It's stuff you say all the time. It's just who you are.

Nathan: [Simon lifts freezer to show Sally dead] Hmm... So sad.... Oh, hey, man - Cornettos!!

Nathan: I'm gonna join the circus. They can throw knives at me - people pay good money to see that shit. And then I'm making serious cash. And where the cash goes, the pussy follows. No offence, ladies.

Episode 2[edit]

Nathan: I haven't got a brother. I'm a classic example of an only child.

Mike: Why did you hit me?
Nathan: Because I panicked, alright? Don't make a big deal out of it!
Jamie: Tell him.
Nathan: OK, look. I know it's too late for me and you. I get that. I've known you didn't give a shit ever since you left me in IKEA with that paedophile!
Mike: What paedophile?!
Nathan: My eighth birthday! IKEA? The guy with the Swedish meatballs?
Mike: I don't remember that!
Nathan: How very convenient.
Mike: It's just the thing about the guy that was seeing your mum, uh, you said was trying to, uh, sexually abuse you!
Nathan: No, no, no, I made that up! This is something else! IKEA paedophile! Jesus, meatballs!
Nathan: This isn't about who was or wasn't trying to sexually abuse me, right? It's about you and Jamie. Look, so I'm pretty much a complete write off. That's fine! Whatever...
Mike : Nathan...
Nathan: And so he hit you with a toaster, and kidnapped you, but you know what they say? Don't fuck a wounded bear!
Mike: Jamie's dead!
Nathan: [scoffs] He's standing right there!
Mike: What? He's dead, son! He was in a car. It caught fire. I've just had to go and identify his body. [telephone rings] Look, this is his mother. I've gotta talk to her.
Nathan: You're dead?
Jamie: Yeah.
Nathan: So how come I can see you?
Jamie: I guess it's 'cause you're immortal?
Nathan: No, no, this isn't happening! No, no, no, I can fix this! How do I fix this?
Jamie: You can't.
Nathan: I don't want you to die, mate!
Jamie: It wasn't down to you. So don't go all mental about it. To be honest, it's not so bad!
Nathan: So, if you're dead, what am I doing here, exactly?
Jamie: I wanted you to sort things out with dad.
Nathan: Look, no offence, but I think it's gonna take more than you dying to fix years of resentment, missed birthdays and all that dysfunctional bullshit, but it was a lovely thought!

Nathan: I'm gonna take a shit on his bed.
Alisha: What?!
Simon: I don't think you should do that.
Nathan: We need to send a message. Let him know he can't fuck with us.
Curtis: And how does taking a shit in his bed do that?
Nathan: They did it in The Godfather.
Simon: They put a horse's head in the bed.
Nathan: Well, have you got a horse's head?

Episode 3[edit]

Shaun: Right. Put all this shit in that skip.
Curtis: Would it kill you to dress it up a bit?
Shaun: Put all this shit in that skip, please.
Nathan: Sometimes I wonder if you take this job entirely seriously.
Shaun: I'm 100% committed to your ongoing rehabilitation. It occupies my every waking minute. [leaves]
Kelly: Er, where are you going?
Shaun: For a coffee and a Danish.
Nathan: Smug bastard.

Curtis: I know this gonna sound weird and crap, but... I feel like I know you.
Nikki: You feel like you know me! You smooth bastard. We can help yourself. [lifts her skirt up] Just pull my knickers up when you're done. I'll order a pizza.
Curtis: Are you always such a bitch?
Nikki: Are you always such a weird twat?

Nathan: [affected by Vince's power] I wanna know everything there is to know about you.
Simon: Like what?
Nathan: Anything.
Simon: I... I just bought the Battlestar Galactica DVD box set.

Alisha: I've never thank you. I wanted you to know. Thanks.
Simon: Why are you being so nice to me?
Alisha: I can be nice. Sometimes. Look, if I've ever been a bitch to you, ...I'm sorry.
Simon: I've never thought you're a bitch. Sometimes I think it's difficult for beautiful girls. People don't see past their looks.

Alisha: Were you sniffing my knickers?
Future Simon: You think I risked my life travelling through the dimensions of time so I could sniff your knickers?

Future Simon: It's gonna be alright. I should know. I'm from the future.

Curtis: I need to find Alisha. We had a big fight.
Nathan: Hey, man. Love hurts, OK. It chews you up and spits you out... [looks at Simon] like a big ball of mucus.

Simon: [to Vince] Remove the tattoos, or I open the nuts.
Curtis: He stabs me and you're offering him peanuts?
Simon: Nuts are his kryptonite... like in Superman!

Alisha: Do we become famous?
Future Simon: Do you want to be famous?
Alisha: It's got to be better than picking up litter.
Future Simon: Sometimes I think that was the best time of my life.

Future Simon: Are you jealous?
Alisha: [embarrassed] Shut up.
Future Simon: I like it that you're jealous.

Kelly: I'm not being funny, yeah, but, is this doing anything for you?
Nathan: Well, you know I'm a guy. We're really not that fussy.
Kelly: It just feels all wrong, like I'm doing it with my cousin or something.

Nathan: I just realised I haven't died this week.
Simon: It's only Thursday. There's still time.
Nathan: Now why would you say something like that? Twat!
Simon: So you don't love me any more?
Nathan: OK. So I loved you. Big deal.
Simon: I think we should talk about it.
Curtis: I so wanna hear this.
Nathan: [to Simon] If we'd have... [whistles], that would've been the best sex you've ever had. Correction. That would've been the only sex you've ever had.
Kelly: Do you ever get embarrassed of anything?
Nathan: Not really, no.

Episode 4[edit]

Curtis: Whatever happens, we can't let the new guy find out about our powers.
Kelly: What do we do if he does find out?
Simon: We kill him. [smiles] I'm joking.
Nathan: [chuckles] You're making jokes now? Excuse us. You're creeping out of your weird little shell, I get that. Good for you. But let's get one thing straight: I'm the funny guy round here.

Ollie: It's OK. I've had some training in conflict resolution.
Nathan: This should be entertaining.

Nathan: Hey no, it's OK. He's fine, he's over there!
Curtis: I don't see him.
Nathan: Oh. Then that must be his ghost, which means he's not at all OK, on account of him being dead.

Nathan: [to Ollie's ghost] Hey, fuck you!
Curtis: What was that?
Alisha: He just got shot in the face and you're insulting him?
Nathan: He made an obscene gesture. I don't care if he's dead. There's no excuse for rudeness.

Nathan: Oh come on, seriously? He was never going to fit in, what with all the caring about the environment and that. Better him than me.
Simon: You're immortal.
Nathan: ...Better him than one of you.

Nathan: It's a cruel senseless waste. [Shaun sighs] A young man taken from us in his prime, leaving us to pick up the pieces of our shattered lives, knowing that he's gone forever. [Shaun sighs] So maybe we should have the rest of the week off, you know, to cry, and grieve, and remember our dear friend... [pauses to try to remember Ollie's name]
Simon: Ollie.
Nathan: Ollie! Dear, beautiful Ollie.
[later on]
Nathan: Heartless bastard.

Nathan: I think I speak for all of us when I say we're lazy and incompetent. We're practically handicapped!

Nikki: Errr. You just tell me I've inherited the power to teleport from the guy whose heart was transplanted into me, and now you're just going to walk off and leave it at that? Well, fuck you very much!
Curtis: How do you wanna leave it?
Nikki: Very least you could do is ask me out for a drink.

Simon: He thinks I'm Conti.
Nathan: Why does he think that?
Simon: Because you told him I was!
Nathan: Did I? Sorry man.

Simon: You want me to buy you a drink?
Nathan: I have never paid for a drink from this machine before, and I don't intend to start now.

Nathan: Oh, Jesus. He's going to shoot her and he's going to kill her! I told you he was dangerous! All right, everybody, calm down! Just think! Think and keep calm.

Shaun: Because to me it sounded like you were planning on robbing a bank.
Nathan: No, no, no. I said, er, “Let's have a big wank.” Communal masturbation. The old circle jerk.

Nathan: A bunch of young offenders develop superpowers, and not one of us thinks of using them to commit crime? Shame on us!

Nathan: We're already criminals. I'm talking about becoming successful criminals. You know, the ones who make money, and don't get caught, and have girlfriends with enormous breast implants.

Kelly: Nice one. Brilliant fuckin' rescue!

Curtis: We've split up, all right?
Nathan: [to Alisha] So you're available?
Alisha: Not to you.

Nikki: You!
Nathan: Hi. Sorry about, uh, you know.
Nikki: Shitting in my bed?
Nathan: Yeah. Wrong flat.

Future Simon: It has to be like this.
Alisha: Why?
Future Simon: So we can be together.
Alisha: No, I won't let you die.
Future Simon: You have to, or I'll never be this person.

Alisha: You can't die. I love you.
Future Simon: I'll still be here.
Alisha: No, I don't love him. I love you!
Future Simon: It's you falling in love with him that makes him become me. It's all coming together.

Kelly: That's what happens when blokes spend all their time playing computer games and wanking over porn on the Internet.
Simon: ...Right.

Episode 5[edit]

Nathan: ...Oh, come on, if that was me bent over wearing a lovely pair of knickers, you're telling me you wouldn't treat yourself to a good eyeful?
Jessica: Piss off, you pervert!
Nathan: Okayy, but you know you would...

Nathan: You don't want to me mess with me, man. I do that cage fightin' shit. I've killed a Chinese man with my bare hands! Oh, yeah. Who's scared now, huh?

Alisha: What are you listening to?
Simon: Echo & the Bunnymen.
Alisha: Never heard of them. [Simon gives her the earphone] Thanks... This is really depressing.

Simon: Have you got any enemies?
Nathan: No. I'm universally popular and well-liked. Why would anyone wanna kill me?
Curtis: I can think of a few reasons.
Alisha: Definitely.
Kelly: Shitloads.
Simon: ...You annoy people.

Alisha: Why don't you go and suck yourself off?
Nathan: I wish I could. I can never reach it.

Nathan: 'Cause, if men could suck themselves off, then the female of the species would be surplus to requirements.
Kelly: This is why people kill you.

Nathan: Come on, man It all adds up. Do the maths.
Simon: There is no maths.
Nathan: Right. She was here, plus no one else was around; times, she caught me leering at her semi-naked; divided by, all the weird shit that happens to us. Equals guilty!
Simon: That means absolutely nothing.

Simon: So, you think that if a girl likes me, there must be something wrong with her?

Nathan: So, who'd have thunk [thought] it, eh? You know, you and me teaming up on something like this.
Alisha: This is about the least weird thing that's happened to me recently.

Nathan: So, why are you here? It's not like you and him are big pals.
Alisha: What, and you are? Why are you here?
Nathan: Well, maybe I like him more than I let on.
Alisha: Yeah, well, maybe I do to.
Nathan: The little bastard gets under your skin, doesn't he?

Nathan: She's like one of those evil bitch spiders. They lure you into their web, they shag ya, then they kill ya, and then they eat their own faeces.

Nikki: If I had your power, I'd wait until I was cumming, and I'd rewind a couple of seconds, and just... hover in the moment.

Nathan: You know what? You were right, man. I was jealous. I'm jealous of your, er..., neat hair and your... the strange staring that the ladies seem to love so much. And I hope that you and, er...
Simon: Jessica.
Nathan: Jessica. Lovely, lovely Jessica. I hope you'll be very happy together.
Simon: You'll find your own girlfriend.
Nathan: Already got one, mate.
Simon: Who is she?
Nathan: Mo... nique... ca. [clears throat] She's French.

Nathan: It's a fancy-dress party. It's dark. You'll all be wearing masks. It's the perfect opportunity to commit murder. And incest!

Nathan: Does anyone else feel like a total cunt?

Nathan: [referring to Jessica] Nice costume.
Alisha: Errr, she looks like a slut.
Nathan: Yeah. Cute, slutty, murdering psychopath.

Nikki: Hey, I've just been thinking about you.
Curtis: What're you doing?
Nikki: I don't want to get cum on my dress, it's dry clean only.

Bruno: Do you understand now? I just wanted to be human. It was all worth it, to be with you.

Nathan: Why's a gorilla wearing a gorilla costume?

Kelly: I meet a guy I really like, and he's a fucking monkey.
Nathan: Well technically he was a gorilla, but, you... you know, let's not go there.

Alisha: It's fine. Must be nice having a girlfriend you can actually shag.

Simon: Jessica isn't a psychopathic killer. She's a virgin.
Nathan: I knew there was something wrong with her!
Simon: There isn't any more.
Nathan: I'm proud of you, man! [chuckles] Oh! Ah. And I will expect to hear every disgusting detail.

Simon: Maybe this is what it feels likes to be a superhero.
Nathan: I think it might take more than you getting laid to turn you into a superhero.

Episode 6[edit]

Nathan: Think about it, we could have really cool superhero names. [to himself] Captain Invincible! [looks at Curtis] Mr Backwards!
Curtis: I sound retarded.
Nathan: [turns to Simon] The Invisible Cunt.
Simon: Why do I have to be the Invisible Cunt?
Nathan: 'Cause you just are, man.

Alisha: What are they going to do to us?
Simon: They'll treat us like freaks. They'll lock us up in a secret military facility and conduct experiments on us.
Nathan: Hey, no one's experimenting on me. I'm not a monkey.
Kelly: What are we gonna do?
Simon: We have to go into hiding. We assume new identities. We break off all connection with our family and friends. We wear disguises and only go out after dark.

Laura (their manager): Right. Is there anything I need to know?
Nathan: I'm getting really close to blowing my load, just hovering in the pleasure zone. And then BAM! All hell breaks lose. I tripled myself.
Laura: I'm not familiar with that term.
Nathan: You know, tripling. It's when you cum, puke and shit yourself all at the same time.
Kelly: Fuck's sake!
Nathan: Three bodily functions. Doing the triple. [Curtis sighs] You're telling me that's never happened to you?
Curtis: No!
Nathan: Anyway, I lied about my name, so she probably doesn't even remember me.
Alisha: I don't think she's ever forgetting you.
Laura: Anyone else?
Kelly: I shagged a monkey.
Nathan: Technically, it was a gorilla.

Alisha: Be nice to him [Curtis], yeah?
Nikki: I'm not promising anything, but I'll definitely try.

Alisha: [to Simon] You think you're surprised? Imagine being me! You're still you, but you're different.

Alisha: You said if you didn't come back and die, you wouldn't become the person you needed to be.
Simon: It's like in Terminator, when John Connor sends Kyle Reece back in time so that he can be his father.

Nathan: How do I look?
Curtis: Like a prick in a suit.
Nathan: [points to Curtis] That's sexual jealousy, because of my prowess as a lover.
Nikki: Is it true you shit yourself when you die?
Nathan: That only happened once. And I've got a bucket standing by, just in case.

Nikki: Do you want that [pizza]? Just lost my appetite...
Curtis: No, I'm lactose intolerant.
Nathan: Does that mean you're afraid of cows?

Nathan: [looks behind him] So that boys and girls is how you shoot yourself in the head. I don't recommend you try this at home.

Simon: I just want you to know... being here with all of you, it's been the best time of my life.

Nathan: Y'know, apart from all the killing and the dying and stuff, this community service really wasn't as bad as I thought it was gonna be.

Episode 7[edit]

Nathan: [to Simon] I think I liked you better when you suffered from a crippling shyness.

Nathan: Well maybe I'm a multimillionare who just chooses to live in a community centre.

Kelly: Twenty fuckin' grand!
Simon: You sold your powers?
Kelly: Yeah mate.
Simon: You shouldn't be doing this. We were given them for a reason!
Nikki: And what reason's that?
Curtis: I'll give you twenty thousand reasons for getting rid of 'em!
Simon: It's like in Superman II when Superman gives up his powers so that he can be with Lois Lane.
Kelly: And?
Simon: General Zod took over the world!
Curtis: That's totally relevant, except there ain't no General Zod, and that's twenty thousand pounds. Later.

Nathan: I met this little fella at a party on the estate.
Alisha: What. And you went with him?
Nathan: Well let's just say I didn't not go with him. Hey, I was very drunk, and he had his cock and balls taped into his arse crack. So from where I was kneeling it looked like a bald little pussy.

Luke: Jesus. I... I shot someone
Elliot: You did what!?
Luke: She was just a girl. I killed her!
Elliot: Are you sorry? ... Then God forgives you.
Luke: Seriously? Just like that?
Elliot: Just like that. Everything bad you've ever done. All the stealing, drugs and masturbating. Don't worry about it. You're forgiven.

Curtis: I need my power back.
Seth: That's not going to be possible.
Curtis: What're you talking about?
Seth: I don't have it.
Curtis: What d'you mean, you don't have it?
Seth: I sold it to an old Jewish guy. He said he wanted to rewind time and kill Hitler. You've got to admire his ambition.
Kelly: You either get him his power back, or I'm going to start kicking you in the balls.
Nathan: Yeah, I've seen her do it. You won't enjoy it one little bit.

Kelly: He couldn't fuck his way out of a paper bag mate.
Nathan: Look at him. He's got the body of a small malnourished prepubescent child.

Alisha: Where are you going?
Simon: I'm going to kill Jesus.
Alisha: And I'm coming with you.

Kelly: You can't go around pretending to be Jesus. What's God going to say?
Marnie: You haven't even got a beard!
Elliot: Hey! I gave my life to Him. I went without money and sex. What a joke! I preached and prayed, and no-one gave a shit. You do a few miracles, everyone thinks you're the messiah. Have you seen that lot out there? I've given their lives... meaning.
Nathan: I'm sorry. Would you mind getting her to stop? That's very distracting.
Curtis: One of your followers killed my girlfriend.
Simon: You're exploiting the vulnerable.
Kelly: You're taking money of people.
Alisha: Intentionally assaulting girls.
Elliot: Hey, that's the Catholic Church for you.
Nathan: Hey, he's got a point. When I was growing up in Ireland, if the priests weren't fiddling with you, you were one of the ugly kids.

Nathan: We may have done sod all with our powers, but at least we never abused them. We never raped or murdered anyone!
Curtis: [Referring to Alisha] She raped me, and we killed loads of people.
Nathan: ...Okay, but we're the good guys!

Elliot: If the mountain won't come to Mohammed...
Nathan: Now he's starting on the Muslims!

Neophyte: Our Lord has sacrificed Himself, again.
Kelly: He's not Jesus! He's just a dickhead with a few super powers.
Neophyte: Super powers? Do you really expect me to believe that?

Series 3[edit]

Episode 1[edit]

Rudy Two: She just totally knocked you back.
Rudy: She's playing hard to get, mate.
Rudy Two: She's out of your league. She's laughing her arse off at you. You can't go back in there. You gonna have to... Oh, climb through the window! Just go. C'mon.
Rudy: No! You'd love that, wouldn't you? Why don't I just go home and spend the rest of the night torturing myself about things I did when I was like 14?
Rudy Two: You mean the thing with the neighbor's cat?
Rudy: No! We do not talk about that! Right?
Rudy Two: Where are you going?
Rudy: Just fuck the fuck off.

Rudy: [Tanya froze time and bottled Rudy and put the bottle in Curtis' hand] You've... you've bottled me!
Curtis: What are you talking about?!
Rudy: This man just bottled me!
Curtis: I didn't do anything to you!
Rudy: [to Charlie] Me face! Am I still, am I still gorgeous?

Alisha: Why do we always have to get involved? Can't we just do normal stuff that normal people do, like... go for brunch?
Kelly: What the fuck is brunch?

Rudy: [after running from the cops with Simon and Kelly] I've got to stop smoking and doing loads of speed, me.
Kelly: [Curtis shows up] I thought they had you.
Curtis: No. I got away. I... [looks at Rudy] I did my thing.
Rudy: Ah! If that's some sort of vague reference to all this "power" bullshit, then don't worry, cause I am cool and the gang with all that. [to Simon] You're very starey.

Rudy: The probation worker's looking for you.
Tanya: And why's that?
Rudy: Because he seems to be under the impression that you've stolen a dog-shaped charity box, on account of him having found it in your locker. Mm! You fuck with me, I'll fuck with you right back with a cherry on top.

Rudy: [a cop car pulls up behind them] Don't get upset, but this isn't exactly my car.
Simon: Whose car is it?
Rudy: Nicked it off a man with a perm. A man, with a perm. What's that about?
Kelly: We can't get caught in no nicked car. We're all on probation.
Rudy: Maybe they'll let you off with a warning, love. [skip to them all in the jumpsuits looking at Rudy] Honestly, guys... I thought they'd let you off with a warning.
Shaun: [walks in clapping] That didn't take you long, did it? Congratulations.

Episode 2[edit]

Episode 3[edit]

Shaun: [seeing Rudy and Rudy Two] Who the fuck is this?
Rudy: It's my auntie. Who do you think he is?
Shaun: What, you've got a twin brother?
Rudy: Now it's getting past you, is it, today? Check out the big brains on the probation worker here.
Shaun: Why's her wearing a jumpsuit?
Rudy: Because... sometimes I do my community service, sometimes he does it. We like to mix things up.
Rudy Two: It keeps it interesting.
Shaun: This isn't a job share. Whoever does the crime, does the boring, mindless shit.
Rudy: I have a question, right? What if we we're conjoined twins, yeah, with our heads? They're all mashed together, and we go out in the town, for a few beers, some bloke sees us and he's like, "Oi! You two-headed fuck!" He flips out, goes mental and batters the guy. Who does the community service then? Because they, they are conjoined with one massive head but with two personalities.
Shaun: Well, we'll come to that bridge when we come to it.
Rudy: All right.
Shaun: I'm going to pretend like I never saw this, because I really can't be arsed. Just make sure one of you turns up. [leaves]
Curtis: [in disbelief] Oh man. That's insane.
Rudy: The old conjoined twins mind fuck works every time. Doesn't it?

Episode 4[edit]

Episode 5[edit]

Shaun: There's an anger management counselor here for you.
Rudy: For me? [gives Simon a look]
Shaun: Yeah. It's all part of your "ongoing rehabilitation." [to Simon] Did you have the last Twix?
Simon: Yes. [Shaun grabs it from him] She's waiting for you in my office. Enjoy. [leaves]
Rudy: For fuck's sake. It wasn't even me, it was him.
Simon: Who?
Rudy: Who do you think? [points to his chest] This whiny little prick in here. The other me. I was seeing this girl, right. Nice girl, Dutch-Irish. Had a webbed foot. Left foot, fine. Right foot, just a little bit creepy. Might have been the other way around. Anyway, so we have this great big row, we end up breaking up. Honestly, I weren't that bothered. Cause there's plenty more fish in the sea and all that. She couldn't wear flip-flops. Because of the web, she had no toe-groove. Anyway, so we split up. You know, she's really angry, starts running her mouth off, all gets a little bit personal. Honestly, dude, I were fine with it, mate. Not him. He starts getting himself all upset, ends up trashing her car, she rang the police. Boom.
Simon: So that's why you're on community service?
Rudy: Yes! Y-Yes. He did it, I took the rap. I'm totally innocent. Mmm. Yes. We should write a campaign song. Do some wristbands. You, you're very clever, aren't you, eh?

Rudy: This is such bullshit.
Rudy Two: [about anger management counselor] She's onto you. I think she knows.
Rudy: She doesn't know anything.
Rudy Two: She knows you're a bedwetter.
Rudy: I'm not a bedwetter! I haven't done that in years.
Rudy Two: Haven't you?
Rudy: Now, listen, that was one time. And I was drunk. Right? And everybody does that anyway, so it's different.
Rudy Two: We should go back in. She's making some good points, man.
Rudy: No, I'm not having you in here. [points to his chest] You're popping out every time she gets personal. You can wait for me outside.

Alisha: You're wanking, on your own, in a cupboard?
Curtis: We used to do it.
Alisha: Yeah, and it was weird then.
Curtis: I never heard you complaining.
Simon: [enters] What's going on? [looks at Curtis and smiles] Have you been wanking?
Curtis: Do you want to say it a bit louder? [Alisha chuckles and Simon starts to look at her]
Alisha: [to Simon] What?
Simon: Why are you here?
Alisha: What, you think I was watching him wank?
Simon: ...That's what you used to do.
Alisha: I'm not getting into this. It's too weird. [leaves]

Alisha: Kelly. That's Kelly.
Simon: It's a body-swap. They must've switched places.
Rudy: Oh, my God. This is like that film with Nicolas Cage in. Face/Off.
Simon: Face/Off wasn't a body-swap. They had surgery to look like each other.
Rudy: Oh.
Simon: This is more like Freaky Friday.
Alisha: Who gives a shit? What are we going to do about Kelly?

Episode 6[edit]

Simon: [talking about a one-night stand of Rudy's] So are you going to call her?
Rudy One: No, and I'll tell you why: When you buy a dog, right, you know that one day, the dog, it'll grow old and it'll die and oh, you're just gonna be heartbroken, you loved that dog, it was just a cheeky little scamp. Here's an idea, don't buy the fucking dog! Save everyone the bastard hassle. It's better to make her cry a little bit now, than break her heart in three years when she's in love with me and we've bought a bunch of shitty furniture together; it's just the humane thing to do, isn't it?

Episode 7[edit]

Simon: It's like a zombie film.
Rudy: Never watched one, mate. I'm more of an ET man, me. I fucking love that little cunt- [Curtis covers his mouth]

Episode 8[edit]

Rachel: Will someone please tell me why I'm here?
Alisha: Really?! You'd better not be here to fuck with us again.
Rachel: Sorry about the whole brainwashing thing. Got a bit carried away.
Rudy: Hey, don't sweat it. It's fine.
Curtis: You weren't even there!
Rudy: Yeah, I know, but you forgive and you forget, man. And I forgive you.
Rachel: For what?
Rudy: For whatever it was they were talking about.
Simon: What's it like? Being dead.
Rachel: Well, the big news is there's no God.
Rudy: Ohh, ho-ho! Thank fuck for that! I might've done one or two things that weren't exactly... Christian in the strictest sense of the word.
Rachel: Well, none of it matters anyway, so...
Rudy: Yeah, if there's no God. That's a result.

Tony: What are you doing?
Rudy: We are relaxing.
Tony: Haven't head office sent another probation worker to replace Sally?
Curtis: Yeah, they sent someone. Got stabbed to death by a coma girl who body-swapped with Kelly.
Kelly: [shrugs] Shit happens.
Curtis: The one they sent to replace him, she got attacked by a zombie cheerleader. [points to Rudy] He battered her to death with a baseball bat.
Rudy: Mmm. She had a shocker of a day.
Tony: What happened to the vending machine?
Rudy: Oh, that's a funny thing, that. I was carrying the fire extinguisher and I tripped and fell into it, repeatedly.

Series 4[edit]

Episode 1[edit]

Seth: [talking about Finn and Jess] They show up here the day after we get the briefcase. They're not on Community Service. It's bullshit.
Rudy One: I'm all over it. Those poor, deluded fools are under the misguided belief that I am their probation worker. It turns out that I'm quite the actor.

Jess: [watching Rudy open locker with a fire extinguisher] What are you doing?
Rudy One: I... I am looking for a sandwich. That I put in one of these lockers for safekeeping. But I'll be buggered if I can remember which one it's in. I bloody hate it when I misplace a sandwich.
Jess: Me, too. It's extremely upsetting. What kind of sandwich was it?
Rudy One: It was cheese. It was a cheese sandwich.
Jess: Perhaps a mouse ate it. Those furry little bastards do love a bit of cheese.
Rudy One: They do. Bloody mice. Now you'll have to excuse me, though, 'cause I have very important probation worker business to attend to, for I am a probation worker.

Rudy One: Hey, how about that, then? That's quite a tale, that is. Took twists and turns, didn't it? New powers [pointing at Finn]. A hint of sexual possibilities [looking at Jess]. Tears, laughter, horribly graphic violence. Oh, mate, mutilated testicles! [laughs] Yes. Something for all the family.

Episode 2[edit]

Rudy: So the angry, beardy man from the council, he's all like, "When are you going to pay your rent?" And I was all like, "I ain't going to pay it and what are you going to do about it?" Well, quite a bit, as it goes. Cause they've kicked me out of me flat and they've repossessed it.
Jess: So where did you sleep?
Rudy: Oh! So, I ended up wandering the street like the Littlest Hobo. I get talking to this girl, turn on the old Rudy magic, end up going back to hers. When I say hers. Have you ever shagged a homeless girl?
Curtis: No.
Rudy: It's like camping. Honestly, reminded me of being a boy scout. Looking up at the night sky, all the twinkling stars there. While she... Oh, she sat on my face. Where am I going with this? Can I stay at your for an indefinite period of time, rent-free, please?
Curtis: No. [Rudy turns to Jess}
Jess: I'm very tempted. Um... I guess my question is would we get to have regular sex?
Rudy: That could certainly be arranged. [beat] You're being... Get off, you're being sarcastic. You're very hard to read.

Episode 3[edit]

Rudy One: Wait, what's wrong with me toothbrush?
Rudy Two: You don't have a toothbrush.
Rudy One: I am sharing with Finn.
Rudy Two: Does he know that?
Rudy One: Does he need to know that?
Rudy Two: Look, you take care of your teeth and I'll take care of mine.
Rudy One: You really are a petty, selfish little man.

Finn: We forgot the remote control for the TV. There's no remote.
Jess: And to a guy, that's like losing a testicle.
Finn: It's like losing three testicles. We need to go round to Lisa's to get it. And by we, I mean you need to drive me round there.
Jess: And there's no way you can just get up and walk over to the TV when you need to change channels?
Finn: Is that a joke? This isn't the '70s.

Episode 4[edit]

Curtis: Has any of you seen Lola? The trainee probation worker?
Finn: Do we have a trainee probation worker? Nobody tells me anything. I'm outside the loop.
Rudy: Shh. Listen, if she's cute... Dude, I saw her first, so legally that is first dibs.
Curtis: You don't even know who I'm talking about.

Episode 5[edit]

Rudy: [Greg picks him out] Of, fuck!
Greg: My office. Now. [quietly] We're going to do some grief counselling. I guarantee there will be tears. [smiles] And they won't be mine.

Greg: Since Curtis's death, have you suffered from overwhelming feelings of loss and despair?
Rudy: No? [seriously after Greg gives him a look] No, I haven't.
Greg: Are you fucking sure about that?
Rudy: Yes? [clears throat] Yes.

Rudy: [about Finn's dad] Does he have a car? 'Cause I'm thinking, you know, if he's ill, should he be driving?
Finn: I don't know if he's got a car. 'Cause as I sat there and he was nearly coughing himself to death, I didn't think it was appropriate to start making an inventory of all his worldly possessions. I mean, some people might say that was a little insensitive.
Rudy: Well. What's your sister like?!
Finn: You are clearly not one of those people.

Rudy: Yes, that's brilliant. Using your dad's cancerous tumors to get into her knickers, mate!
Finn: I'm not- I wasn't using his tumors.
Rudy: Absolutely brilliant. I have rubbed myself off on you, haven't I? You've been like a tiny little bird, right? And I've been nurturing, I've just been feeding you a little pipette of breast milk, like that. And you've gone and grown up. Now you're flying away, aren't you? Off into the distance.

Episode 6[edit]

Rudy One: [laughs and points at Finn's pants] Those are a mistake, by the way.
Finn: What are?
Rudy One: Light-coloured trousers. And listen, that's a basic schoolboy error, that is, mate.
Finn: What's wrong with these?
Rudy One: [in a mocking tone] "What's wrong with these?" We're about to enter a war zone, mate. Things'll get really messy. Honestly, man, it's going to be the most insane house party you've ever been to in your shitty little life. Strangers are going to fuck strangers, heads are going to get shaved. There'll be puke, blood, sperm and piss.
Finn: Will there be a buffet?
Rudy One: Yes, there'll be a buffet. A buffet of drugs, alcohol and shagging. This is Richard Saunders, do you understand me? Richard "The Colonel" Saunders. He's a fucking lunatic. You know they used to call him Richard Two-Tabs? Because he used to drop two tabs of acid before he'd even got out of frigging bed in the morning. So to summarize, a Richard Saunders house party is absolutely no place for fucking chinos, man.
Finn: Well, they aren't chinos so...
Rudy One: They are chinos.

Rudy One: You're sulking 'cause you've been blown out of the water by the sexy barman, aren't you?
Fin: Well, he's not sexy.
Rudy One: He's quite sexy.
Fin: Okay, he's quite sexy. He's got the whole face thing going on. So what?

Finn: What kind of rabbit?
Rudy One: I don't know what kind of fucking rabbit. They're all the same.
Finn: Well, actually they're not. Well, you've got the lop-eared, the American lop-eared, the French Angora...
Rudy One: Shut up, be quiet. It is a psycho rabbit and it is wearing a suit and it's got a golf club. That's all I know.
Finn: Right. Did it have a silky coat?
Rudy One: Just shut up! Shut up about the rabbit.

Rudy One: Hey, come on, drink up, we're leaving.
Alex: Why?
Rudy One: Because there's a giant white rabbit out there and he's wearing a suit and he's got a golf club and... he's going round killing people.
Alex: What rabbit?
Rudy One: What is wrong with you both? It's just a fucking rabbit.

Episode 7[edit]

Rudy: I just... I don't understand whether I'm... whether I'm just, I'm thinking about her because, you know, I know I'm never going to see her again.
Finn: What, like, when you go to a vending machine and there's no prawn cocktail crisps? And then alls you want is a packet of prawn-
Rudy: Prawn cocktail crisps. Exactly, exactly that, man. Exactly that! [pause] Fuck, and now all I can think about is prawn cocktail crisps, knobhead. [long pause] Yeah, no, I'm still on prawn cocktail. Fuck it, I'm going to have to go and get some prawn cocktail crisps.

Episode 8[edit]

Series 5[edit]

Episode 1[edit]

Jess: Alex is out of surgery. He's going to be okay.
Rudy One: Ah! Get in mate! Well done. I tell you now, I never doubted it for a second. The handsome barman lives.

Rudy One: [Scouts in the community center] Whoa! Scouts, dude! Yes! You're Scouts! These were the happiest, and proudest days of my life. Look at them!
Jess: You were in the Scouts? That should never have been allowed.
Rudy One: I swore. I swore a solemn oath to, you know obey the Scout Law, to to do me best, to do my duty to God and her lovely majestic majesty, the Queen. I lived by a code like a Samurai warrior.
Finn: Yeah, that's you all over.
Rudy One: And then they cast me out.
Abbey: And why were you cast out?
Rudy One: I don't want to talk about it. I will say this. A Scout is meant to walk an impossible line between his love of scouting and his raging hormones in the first flushes of sexual adventure. [a girl in a scout uniform walks by] There are girls! You're a girl? Oh, shit! That is an unnatural abomination. That is not how Baden Powell intended it. Take that uniform off, you look like a dick!

Episode 2[edit]

Rudy's father: Well, you never had a girlfriend so we assumed...

Rudy one: That I was a big gay! Well, sorry to disappoint you but I've had a lot of birds. I'm disgusting, I'll do anything, I have the reputation of a total slag. Mom, I am quite the slut.

Episode 3[edit]

Episode 4[edit]

Stuart: You don't have to be embarrassed. About your, um, your power.
Finn: What about you? What's your power?
Stuart: Me? Ah... It's, uh, complicated. I don't really like to talk about it.
Finn: It's all right. You don't have to if you don't want to.
Stuart: The thing is other people make certain assumptions about my [clears throat] sexuality, and...
Finn: What, they think you're gay?
Stuart: Yeah, yeah, I guess they do.
Finn: And... Are you gay?
Stuart: No- [he disappears into thin air and then appears in a closet and walks out] Now you know.
Finn: Fuck off! You're... You're literally trapped in the closet? [laughs] How funny is that?! [Stuart gives him a look] And also very serious and quietly poignant.
Stuart: Yeah.
Finn: Actually, I've got a friend who can take powers.
Stuart: How does he take powers? How does it work?
Finn: I'll let him fill you in on the details. Oh, you're gonna love him. His name's Alex. He's on community service.

Greg: [about old Rudy Two] Who the fuck might this be?! [to Rudy One] What's the matter? Cat got your tongue. [screeches like a cat] Aren't you going to introduce us?
Rudy One: Shit, I don't know who he is. He's nothing to do with me.
Jess: He's my granddad.
Greg: [to Rudy One] Men like this fought in wars. Cheek by jowl. Belly-down, crawling through the mud, the blood and fear and for what? Boys with hair straighteners. Girls in jeggings with their flabby arses hanging out! [to old Rudy Two] It was my very real privilege to have met you, sir. [salutes him and leaves]

Episode 5[edit]

Rudy One: You've cast a spell! I can't eat, I can't sleep, and I can't shit. Without that [poking Jess' nose] popping into me head.
Jess: Well, I hate to mess up your well established routine of eating, sleeping, and shitting, so, do you want to meet up later and talk about it?
Rudy One: Yeah.
Jess: Okay. Well, it's a date.
Rudy One: Girl, you're a witch. You're a beautiful freakin' witch. You know that?

Jess: So, do you want to talk about what's going on with us?
Rudy One: Yeah, I do. Right, now, when it comes to Finley, there is no us. Honestly, I'll just deny I even know you. "Jess? Who's Jess? Is she that Chinese fellow with a bit of a limp?"
Jess: So, we can't just be honest about it?
Rudy One: Of course, we can be honest. We can be honest about it. That's my middle name. Rudy Honest Jeffrey Wade. [they both laugh] You go first.
Jess: I like you [Rudy pumps his fist], which is really weird because you can be such a total dick.
Rudy One: Hey, whoa. Well, I refute that. That's... That is refuted.
Jess: If you want to start seeing me, I'm not going to sneak around. We have to tell Finn.
Rudy One: Or we could just not tell him. Bingo.

Rudy One:[knocks her phone out of her hand into the water] Morning! Good morning, Jessica!
Jess: What the fuck are you doing? That's my phone!
Rudy One: Yeah, I know. I've only gone and bloody liberated you. Freed you from the tyrannies of freakin' texting. You free now? Just take off your shackles. Get rid of 'em. Throw it in there. [in sing-song] Free Nelson Mandela, Shoes too small to fit these feet. [speaking normally] He should have gone to Clarks. They do have a bit of a wider fit.
Jess: You're paying for a new phone.
Rudy One: What do you mean? You don't have insurance? Bloody hell. Well, some people might call that a bit irresponsible. You know what I mean? [Jess gives him a look] Not me, I think it's adorable. I call it adorable.
Jess: I call it not having a fucking phone. [storms off]
Rudy One: Adorable! Fuck!!!

Rudy One: Oh, honestly, bloody hell! What a strange and unpredictable world we all bloody live in!

Alex: So how does this girl's power work?
Rudy One: Well, I don't know. Her mate seems to think it's something to do with computers and freakin' insert yourself into people. I don't really understand it, but she has got our little monkey man, and I for one will not let him be experimented on. Unless she's dressing him up, man, like one of them chimps in the PG Tips adverts, then colour me amused.

Episode 6[edit]

Jess: What did Finn say, has he found out about us?
Rudy One: No, he thinks I've killed a baby seal.
Alex: Well look, guys, all of this stuff, it's gonna be something to do with the storm, isn't it?
Rudy One: Who's this fucking guy, man? Clever and handsome, it's unbelievable.

Episode 7[edit]

Rudy One: [after Rudy Two leaves] You know, this is your fucking fault, this is, eh. You're just filling his head with all these big ideas. He's going off being his own person, doing his own fucking thing. Do you know what you're doing? You're trying to spilt up the band. Me and him are the fucking Beatles, mate, and you're just that yodelling Chinese woman.
Helen: Yoko Ono?
Rudy One: Yeah.
Helen: She's Japanese.
Rudy One: Is she?

Episode 8[edit]

Greg: Do you know... What today is?
Abby: Tuesday?
Greg: Today... is the last day of your community service. It's all over.
Jess: Seriously?
Finn: Are you kidding?
Greg: Now you had a chance to do something positive. To give something back, to help people, to really make a difference to their lives. You've failed. Dismally. Do you want to know what the real tragedy is? This moment, right here, right now... this is as good as it gets for you.

Abby: I like the idea of being a nurse. Or a shepherd.
Alex: What qualifications do you need to be a shepherd?
Rudy: You need a crop. Well-trained border collie, and a profound love of sheep, love.
Alex: I'll tell you where I'm not gonna be in a year's time, and that is working behind a bar.
Rudy: I, for one, will be enjoying my life [pulls out a scratch card out of his pocket] as a multi-millionaire!

Rudy: [walks in wearing pajamas] Do you know, what I was doing, when you so... rudely interrupted me?
Alex: I'm guessing it wasn't showering?
Rudy: I was 19. And a half hours into a Murder She Wrote marathon.
Finn: Jess is back.
Abby: Where is she?
Alex: She's in the shitter. She said something about some bloke who's thrown her forward through time. [Rudy is sobbing]
Finn: You okay?
Rudy: [crying] I'm fine. I'm fine. So, the worm's returned, [moving his finger like a worm] with her fucking bushy tail between her legs. It's too late, guys. It's too late. Because I've forgot about her very existence. [crying again] She's back! Jessica's back. Oh, man. [collapses on the floor crying]

Alex: [Rudy still on the floor crying] Is he having a mental breakdown?
Jess: Rudy?
Rudy: Oh, Jess.
Jess: You look like shit.
Rudy: It's been a bit of a rough year. My vigorous grooming and personal hygiene regime might have... slipped, just a bit.

Rudy: I deliberately pissed myself. [to Helen] You've just been killed by my weak infantile bladder.

Finn: Here's to the future.
Jess: Oh, about the future, I've just been.
Abby: Am I a shepherd?!
Jess: Erm... You are holding a golf sale sign, for a golf sale that doesn't exist. [points at Alex] You're still working behind the bar. [looks at Finn] And you are a trainee probation worker.
Finn: Fuck off!
Rudy: Honest- Shame on you, Finley! Deep humiliating shame. [back to Jess] I'm a multimillionaire, aren't I? [she starts to speak] Got 'em! No, no, no, don't tell me. Don't tell me, I want it to be a surprise. Wink twice, for yes.
Jess: You win a quid, piss yourself and then you get electrocuted.
Rudy: Colour me disappointed.
Jess: I'm just saying, unless we want to spend the rest of our lives as these underachieving fuck-ups, then maybe we should think about actually doing something with our powers.
Abby: What you mean, like, open up a fast food restaurant?
Jess: No, I mean like becoming proper superheroes. Good ones that do good shit.
Alex: Superheroes, I'm up for that.
Rudy: I might have to make a few modifications. Just on me costume... just on account of me- I've got irritable bowel syndrome. And shitting in lycra is how I got banned from the gym.
Finn: No offence, but you lot... Superheroes? Fuck it! All right, yeah, let's do it.
Rudy: This could be the start of something huge. I can feel it in me nut sack.

Cast[edit]

  • Iwan Rheon as Simon Bellamy
  • Robert Sheehan as Nathan Young
  • Lauren Socha as Kelly Bailey
  • Nathan Stewart-Jarrett as Curtis Donovan
  • Antonia Thomas as Alisha Daniels
  • Matthew McNulty as Seth
  • Joseph Gilgun as Rudy Wade
  • Karla Crome as Jess
  • Nathan McMullen as Finn
  • Matt Stokoe as Alex
  • Natasha O'Keeffe as Abbey