Mongrels (TV series)

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Mongrels, formerly known under the working titles of We Are Mongrels and The Un-Natural World, is a British puppet-based situation comedy series first broadcast on BBC Three between 22 June and 10 August 2010, with a making-of documentary entitled "Mongrels Uncovered" broadcast on 11 August 2010. A second series of Mongrels began airing on 7 November 2011, but was cut short by the series final cancellation on 18 January 2012, by order of Zai Bennett.

"Characters" [1.0][edit]

Nelson [1.1][edit]

  • (To Marion after taking catnip) I want you to eat all these bushes until you feel sick!
  • I will bloody well kick myself if I don't ask this but why did the chicken cross the road?
  • (After Vince catches him vacuuming and wearing a dress while I Want to Break Free plays) This isn't what it looks like. Actually how does it look? With or without the shoes?

Destiny [1.2][edit]

  • Call me a prude, kind of in a hangup about lettin' strangers stick their hooters up my poop-chute.
  • (To Gary) This is so cruel! Like when I was a pup and you rubbed my nose in it. Though in fairness I have rubbed your nose in it. (Cuts to Gary putting roses on his dead wife's grave) [sings] You got a dead wife, you got a dead wife.

Marion [1.3][edit]

  • [To any other character] I knew that! [Aside to himself] I did not know that!
  • (Whilst high on catnip) You've got to help me, Destiny. See, there's this tree who cries, oh, how he cries. And if I can't stop him from crying, he's going to get the piggy-bird to tell me the truth. And if I hear the truth, I... will... DIE!
  • Argghhh! I'm hallucinating! There is malformed Hell-baby bursting from your stomach! Jesus Christ! I want to claw my own eyes out... With my own claws! And stamp on my own eyes... With my own claws! What is that thing?!
  • Margaret, my silver-haired princess, I am anything you want me to be.
  • I'm a cat and I'm stuck up a tree! I'm such a cliché.
  • Where am I? Crap on walls, scent of dying animals... Christ Jesus, it's a Premier Inn! I demand to speak to Lenny Henry!
  • And okay I'm not your first cat; I have come to terms with this. There will alway's be a place in your heart for Mr. Whiskers... The Tabby coloured cock sucker.
  • (Marion is trying to enter the pub disguised as the gas man. His disguise is a wooly hat with a piece of paper taped to it. The piece of paper has the words "gas man" written on it in pen.) Hello madam, I am a gas man, as you can clearly see from my official hat. I need to come in to read your meters please.

Kali [1.4][edit]

  • Let's make like a clairvoyant and rob an old lady!
  • (After Marion asks Kali for Catnip) Listen Marion, there's people out there who help addicts like you. Those people are called... PIMPS!
  • Kitty fiddler.
  • (to Nelson after getting kicked) Are you by any chance... COTTAGING FOR A STROKE?!
  • Ok, ok, you try telling a male crow from a female one. It's like playing "spot the Belgian" at an international incest convention!
  • Death to Harry Hill and all he stands for... except TV Burp, I quite like that.

Vince [1.5][edit]

  • Morning C***s!
  • You know me, I like to call a spade a c**t.
  • I've been preoccupied with the whole family thing.
  • (After Kali blasphemes) Did you just call God a c**t?
  • Did you just call me a c**t?
  • F*** a nun, Nelson, even I've been stroked.
  • Who? Oh, you mean the twitchy s*****c!
  • (Voice-over) My name is Vince Fox I had an accident and woke up in 19 f*****g 73. Am I mad? Back in time? Or in a coma?

(Looks at crotch) Oh hello I just pissed myself... It's a coma.

  • (To Nelson) Oh, Jesus! You are such a girly metrosexual wanker!
  • Nelson, foxes don't have rooftop picnics, yeah? Just like we don't have christenings, or baby showers, or f*****g star signs.
  • Look after my manor, or I will bum you, literally, to death.

"Songs" [2.0][edit]

"Pilot" [2.1][edit]

"Where My Balls At (He Wants His Balls Back)" [2.1.1][edit]

  • Marion: Hey.. Yeah!


  • Reach down to touch you, can't believe there's nothing there,
  • Wanna run my fingers through your short and curly hair,
  • It's just those little things, those moments I can't face,
  • Bending down to lick you, just to find a bald pink space.
  • Those times we spent together, man they was intense,
  • Remember when I tried to jump over that barbed wire fence?
  • What about my sex life? What will I tell my bitches?
  • That Chico cut my knackers off and left me fifteen stiches...
  • I'm in pain, gone insane since they cut you babies up...
  • Kali: Or maybe it's just the anestetic wearing off...


  • Backing Singers: He want's his balls back...
  • Marion: That's what I'm saying.
  • Backing Singers: He want's his balls back...
  • Marion: Back here and swaying.
  • Backing Singers: He want's his balls back...
  • Marion: I really need them.
  • Backing Singers: Back in his sac...
  • Marion: Has anybody seen them?


  • Used to be, just us three, now I've lost my desire,
  • Now you're gone, I'm alone, but I can sing to octaves... higher...


  • Backing Singers: He want's his balls back...
  • Marion: Do you get me?
  • Backing Singers: He want's his balls back...
  • Marion: Why'd you vet me...?
  • Backing Singers: He want's his balls back...
  • Marion: Just wanna scrath you.
  • Backing Singers: Back in his sac...
  • Marion: I wish they'd re-attatch you...


  • Oh... yeah...


"Series 1" [2.2][edit]

"F**k Chickens" [2.2.1][edit]

  • Vince: Hang on, I smell chicken. And you know what I think about chickens don't you.
  • (Sings) They're not from this country, they spread their disease.
  • They look the same and all wiggle their heads when they speak.
  • They lay loads of eggs to get free accommodation..
  • F**k all the chickens, they're the scourge of the nation.


  • F**k chickens. F**k them back where they belong.
  • F**k chickens. F**k them all the way to Hong Kong.


  • Oh, you get loads and loads all living under one roof.
  • They're no good at flying, people know the truth.
  • Channel 4 make documentaries with them all the time.
  • But no one cares about the plight of the vulpine.


  • F**k (Obscured by the sound of a chicken squawking)chickens. F**k (Obscured by the sound of a chicken squawking)them back where they belong.
  • F**k (Obscured by the sound of a chicken squawking)chickens. F**k (Obscured by the sound of a chicken squawking)them all the way to Hong Kong.


  • (Spoken) All together now.
  • Vince, Foxes, and Badger (Sing): F**k (Obscured by the sound of a boat's horn) chickens. F**k (Obscured by the sound of a boat's horn) them back where they belong.
  • F**k (Obscured by the sound of a boat's horn) chickens. F**k (Obscured by the sound of a boat's horn) them all the way to Hong Kong.
  • F**k (Obscured by the sound of Nelson using an air horn) chickens.
  • F**k (Obscured by the sound of Nelson using an air horn) chickens.
  • Vince (Spoken): To actually f**k a chicken would be wrong.

"What Kind of God?" [2.2.2][edit]

  • Dean (Spoken): God loves us all Kali. Even pigeons.
  • Kali (Spoken): God don't exist. And I happen to that for a fact. Follow me.


(They fly up to the clouds.)


  • Kali (Spoken): Tell me Dean. (Sings) What kind of God?
  • Backing Singers: What kind of God?
  • Kali: What kind of God?
  • Backing Singers: What kind of God?
  • Kali: What God allows a child of thirteen to sleep on the streets.
  • Backing Singers: Out on the street.
  • Kali: So that when I use a cash machine he's right there by my feet.
  • Backing Singers: Right by her feet.
  • Kali: It's so awkward when I have to pretend I'm skint and that.
  • Backing Singers: What kind of God?
  • Kali: What kind of God?
  • Backing Singers: What kind of God?
  • Kali: What kind of God allows that hard see-through plastic packaging on, for instance, printer cartridges and children's toys?
  • Backing Singers: Amen.
  • Kali: That means you have to get out the scissors but when you cut it, you end up cutting yourself on the sharp edges.
  • Backing Singers: Hallelujah.
  • Kali: What kind of God?


(God (played by Christopher Biggins) appears.)


  • God: This kind of God.
  • Kali: Oh God, it's God.
  • Backing Singers: That kind of God.
  • God: They provide a service.
  • Kali: Even those ones based abroad?
  • God: It's true, the Indian ones are abhorred.
  • Kali (Spoken): I'm not being racist but it makes no sense having a rail enquiry line that isn't based locally.
  • Backing Singers: What kind of God?
  • Kali: What kind of God?
  • Backing Singers: What kind of God?
  • Kali: Junk mail in newspapers.
  • God: Come on be fair.
  • Kali: Motorcyclists outweaving traffic.
  • God: Yes you've got a point there.
  • Kali: People who bring toddlers to weddings.
  • God: I shall smite them.
  • Kali: Wasps.
  • God: Oh why did I cre-ate them?
  • Kali: People who read over your shoulder.
  • God: Ex-smokers' advice.
  • Kali: Overly chirpy Australian bar staff.
  • Backing Singers: What kind of God?
  • Kali: It is not my kind of God...yeah!

"What a Difference a day makes" [2.2.3][edit]

  • Marion: The law says today that I can't be with you.
  • Lollipop: But tomorrow we can do whatever we want to do.
  • Marion: I can love you.
  • Lollipop: Oh yes.
  • Marion: And you can love me...
  • Both: Thanks to 'the Sexual Offences Act' (2003)...
  • Lollipop: One day you're a paedo...
  • Marion: And you're my jailbait...
  • Lollipop: Next day you're my sweetheart...
  • Marion: And its suddenly legal to mate...
  • Both: Oh what a difference a day makes!...
  • Both: Just to wait until the dawn breaks...
  • Marion: Right now you can't handle the love of a man...
  • Lollipop: But from tomorrow you can give it me as hard as you can...
  • Both: What a difference a day makes.
  • Marion: One day I'm a pervert.
  • Lollipop: And I've still got my virginity.
  • Both: But in less than 15 hours, it's a legal technicality...
  • Lollipop (Spoken): Actually, I'm not a virgin...
  • Both: What a difference a day makes...
  • Both: Then we can legally fornicate.
  • Both: I'd never believe in breaking the law today...
  • Both: But tomorrow it's my right to do you every which way!!
  • Both: What a difference a day makes...
  • Lollipop (Spoken): Let's elope together. I could be your fiancé.
  • Marion (Spoken): Maybe not....
  • Both: What a difference a day makes...

"Everybody loves a Lesbian" [2.2.4][edit]

  • Cassandra (Lesbian crow) If your uncomfortable with coming out, then listen to what I says-bian,
  • Whatever anyone thinks of gays, everyone loves a lesbian!
  • Everybody loves a lesbian, honey,
  • Norton’s passé, Ellen’s funny,
  • Let those Baptists think what they like,
  • There’s nothing, no nothing, quite like a dyke.
  • It’s so wrong when you see boys kissing,
  • But girl on girl, see what you’re missing,
  • Lindsay Lohan never stopped traffic,
  • ‘Til she rode Sam Ronson and came out Sapphic,
  • Everyone loves a lesbian, baby,
  • You’ll shout “yes!” during sex and not “maybe!”
  • Camp is cliché, Lezzers have class,
  • You’ll never find us cottaging for George Michael’s ass.
  • So what if our haircuts make us all look the same?
  • At least we don’t give the Catholic Church a bad name,
  • No gay looks great in a girly frock,
  • All ladies look lovely in a strap-on cock…
  • [“Guitar solo.”]
  • Cassandra (Spoken) One more time!
  • (Everyone- except Kali.) Everybody loves a lesbian, baby,
  • A muff-driving, rough-driving, car-fixing lady,
  • Come on out, join us in heaven,
  • We’ll soon be eating brunch off Pam St. Clement!
  • Woo-hoo!

"My Destiny" [2.2.5][edit]

  • Nelson: I'll always remember when I first met my 'Destiny'
  • You caught my eye then you stole all the rest of me...
  • Destiny (spoken): You are such a geek!

(Destiny is pulled away by Gary)

  • Nelson (spoken): It's this week's song!

(Music stops)

"Breaking up is such a faff" [2.2.6][edit]

  • I can't bring myself to leave her
  • Breaking up would be unpleasant
  • 'Cause it's almost her birthday
  • And some people might say
  • I only did it to avoid buying a present
  • I don't want her friends to hate us
  • And I've only just changed my Facebook status
  • Screw it...let's just stay together!
  • Breaking up is such a faff
  • I can't stand awkward goodbyes
  • Breaking up is such a faff
  • I'll just sweat it out until she dies
  • I can't bring myself to dump her
  • Though she really gets on my tits
  • 'Cause we've booked a trip to Pisa
  • I've put it on my Visa
  • If I cancel, I'll lose all my deposit
  • It's easier to stay the same
  • Than to file a travel insurance claim
  • Screw it...let's just stay together!
  • Breaking up is such a faff
  • I'm too much of an emotional coward
  • Breaking up is such a faff
  • Besides we've just picked out a power shower
  • And answer me this please:
  • What about all our DVD's?
  • 'Cause baby, I can't stand it if we have to fight,
  • Over who owns that copy of The Dark Knight
  • Oh, look: 2 copies of "Dodgeball"...bonus!
  • Breaking up is such a faff
  • I just wish that I was dead
  • Breaking up is such a faff
  • If I act boring maybe she'll leave instead...


  • Muttering:
  • Then again, you hear lots of interesting stuff about tax breaks for married people...which obviously is worth taking advantage of.
  • And supposedly there's health benefits to being in a long-term relationship. Plus there's a lot to be said for regular, dependable sex...even if it is with someone you find physically repellent.

"Middle class is magical" [2.2.7][edit]

  • Nelson: Middle class is magical.
  • A safe world free from strife.
  • Let bad things happen to other folk.


  • Buy an aga.
  • Get your food from M&S.
  • Take anti-depressant pills.


  • Middle class is magical.
  • Drive a 4x4 to school.
  • Keep three sorts of hummus in your fridge.
  • Make over your downstairs loo.


  • Learn to salsa.
  • Drink too much Chilean Chardonnay.
  • Ignore the homeless.
  • Don't mind Burkhas.
  • Condescend to migrant workers.


  • When all the world is middle class
  • There'll be no povetry or starvation.


  • Because...


  • ...Middle class is magical.
  • Join us and you'll see.
  • You're already halfway there
  • Because you're not watching ITV.


  • Yes, middle class is magical.
  • What matters is what we wear.
  • Let's pay someone else to do the difficult jobs
  • While we work on our hair.


  • Middle class is magical yeah!

"Ugly women are beautiful too" [2.2.8][edit]

  • Dog: So Destiny...nervous?
  • Destiny: A bit nervous of the other models in case they're a bit bitchy, because I'm, like, so sensitive, I'll probably cry.
  • Dog: Oh, no, we're very nice.
  • Destiny: ..."We?!"
  • Dog: Yes, I'll be modelling with you today.
  • Destiny: Oh, wow...(!) No, good for you. Seriously. It would be nice to see some plus-size girls out there! And after all...


  • [Music starts]
  • Destiny: If there's one thing I know, thanks to Gok Wan's TV show
  • It's that ugly women are attractive
  • They're just as good as me, though lacking genetically
  • With a thyroid gland that's clearly overactive


  • Backing: Ugly women are beautiful too
  • Destiny: They're always sweet and trusting even though they look disgusting
  • Backing: Ugly women are beautiful too
  • Destiny: Don't mean no disrespect when I say you look like Shrek
  • Backing: Ugly women are...
  • Destiny: ...Beautiful too


  • Destiny: Forget exfoliation that won't hide your deformation, girl
  • The only way to shoot you is with a whaling gun!
  • But who cares who's the fattest, 'cos it's what's inside that matters
  • And whatever the hell that is, girl, you must have bleeding tons!


  • Backing: Ugly women are beautiful too
  • Destiny: I'm sexy, cute, and savvy, you're why cousins shouldn't marry
  • Backing: Ugly women are beautiful too
  • Destiny: I look like Cheryl Cole, you're an ad for birth control


  • Backing: Ugly women are...
  • Destiny: ...Beautiful too
  • Backing: Ugly, big, fat women
  • Destiny: Just like you!
  • [Music ends]


  • Destiny: Don't touch me.
  • [Dog runs off sobbing]


"Series 2" [2.3][edit]

"Just A Little Tap On The Nose"[2.3.1][edit]

  • Destiny: Listen to my pearls of wisdom, girls,
  • If you want to get a man and keep him.
  • When he doesn’t show compliance,
  • Just apply a bit of violence,
  • If he’s bad then he gets a beating.


  • There’s no point complaining,
  • It’s just doggy training.
  • He’s got to learn discipline,
  • Or I’ll put the boot in!


  • If he’s going “Yap, yap, yap!”
  • Just give him a little tap.
  • Can’t bite back like that,
  • And not expect a little tap,
  • Just a little tap on the nose.
  • Backing Dogs: Just a little tap! Just a little tap!


  • Destiny: When I raise my hand,
  • It’s because it’s all they understand,
  • Men like a bit of tough loving.
  • RSPCA don’t care,
  • If he falls down the stairs,
  • Long as nobody witnessed the shoving.


  • It’s not my fault,
  • He’s got to be taught.
  • And it’s not assault,
  • If you don’t get caught!


  • If he’s barking like that,
  • Just give him a little tap.
  • Can’t act like a twat,
  • And not expect a little tap,
  • Just a little tap on the nose.
  • Backing Dogs: Just a little tap! Just a little tap!


  • Destiny: There’s every excuse,
  • For domestic abuse.
  • Just always choose,
  • Where you hide the bruise!


  • If he’s giving it all that,
  • Just give him a little tap.
  • Grab you’re baseball bat,
  • And he’ll expect a little tap,
  • Just a little tap on the nose…
  • Backing Dogs: Just a little tap! Just a little tap!
  • Just a little tap on the nose!


"Immigration Nation"[2.3.2][edit]

  • Nelson: This is the immigration nation,
  • We actively encourage mass migration,
  • Tear up your application form,
  • Let the border crossing swarm,
  • And here’s how to dodge the legislation…


  • Apply online for a student Visa,
  • Or get smuggled in, whichever’s easier,
  • Then you find a small bedsit,
  • And… benefits, benefits, benefits.
  • If you’re fearing prosecution,
  • Just claim homeland persecution,
  • Everybody’s doing it,
  • Take the law and screwing it,
  • Come and join the immigration…
  • Nation…


  • Now it’s time for you to bring,
  • You’re bedridden family in,
  • Get them all a fixed address,
  • An address, an address, an address,
  • Soon as you are legal alien,
  • You are better than Australians!
  • They do it by the rules,
  • What a bunch of tools,


  • Come and join the immigration…
  • Nation…

[Nelson scats.]


  • Nelson: So let’s keep that culture vibrant,
  • With hoards of economic migrants,
  • We’ll sweep the streets and cut inflation,
  • ‘Cause we won’t do jobs below our station,
  • Did you’re social worker mention,
  • You’re entitled to a pension?
  • Please exploit the welfare state,
  • Now it’s our turn to migrate!


  • The BNP makes it political,
  • The Daily Mail are hypocritical,
  • Watch them, when they get the chance,
  • They’ll retire to the south of France!


  • So let’s all claim an occupation,
  • Let’s all toy with deportation,
  • Ooh, is that a new PlayStation?
  • We’re off to a sunny location!


  • Come and join the immigration…
  • Nation…
  • Yeah!


"Die Evil Zombies!"[2.3.3][edit]

  • Zombie Dog: Oh, why am I here,
  • In this pub garden?
  • One sniff of her,
  • And I've lost control...
  • I'm not the bad guy,
  • I am the victim,
  • Intoxicated,
  • By her pheromones...


  • Why does she make me,
  • Act like a zombie?!
  • I don't even like her,
  • And I never have!
  • Oh, what a cliché,
  • Besieging a building,
  • And all for some sex with,
  • A pedigree chav!


  • Tim, Nobby, Vince and Marion: Die evil zombies!
  • Zombie Dog: But I'm not a zombie, I'm quite clearly alive...
  • Tim, Nobby, Vince and Marion: Die evil zombies!
  • Zombie Dog: I'm just aromantic with a monster sex drive!
  • Who just wants your love but wants to survive...!


  • Zombie Dog: Now they've killed Derek,
  • He was my best friend,
  • They used his own arm,
  • To beat him to death!
  • A father of two,
  • And a charity worker,
  • He said ger loved you,
  • With his dying breath!


  • Tim, Nobby, Vince and Marion: Die evil zombies!
  • Zombie dog: You say that I'm evil, you're the one hitting me!
  • Tim, Nobby, Vince and Marion: Die evil zombies!
  • Zombie dog: Take my hand, feel my pulse, and I'm sure you'll agree!
  • There's a place in your heart for a camp amputee...!


  • Trio of zombie animals: Come on, everybody, let's do the zombie!
  • Adopt a vacant look and lift up your paws!
  • Zombie dog: Now you're reinforcing the stereotype,
  • This dancing idea is fundementally flawed!


  • Tim, Nobby, Vince and Marion: Die evil zombies!
  • Zombie dog: In hindsight, our relationship was doomed from the start.
  • Tim, Nobby, Vince and Marion: Die evil zombies!
  • Zombie dog: I don't want your brains, I just want your heart! But love has quite literally torn me apart!

"Vince is a massive c***"[2.3.4][edit]

  • Vince (spoken): I, Vincent Fox, ...am a c**t.
  • [Music starts.]


  • Vince: From Millwall to the Albert Dock, there's one thing plain to see,
  • In this entire borough there's no bastard bad as me.
  • I guess it ain't a huge surprise that I have got no friends,
  • Nelson: Well it was you that had your stag do ethnically cleansed.


  • Vince: When I was a little cub my grandma said to me...
  • Vince's grandmother (in a flashback): Please, son, put the gun down, you can have all my money!
  • Vince: Silly cow, she kept her savings underneath the bed,
  • So I nicked her f**king pension book and shot her in the head!


  • Cat: He robbed me!
  • Beagle Dog: Knifed me!
  • Bulldog: Shot me!
  • Chihuahua: He poured acid down my front!
  • Rottweiler: He managed to castrate me even though the knife was blunt!
  • Chimpanzee: He took me to Oxford and abused me with a punt!
  • All: I think that we all agree he is a massive-
  • Nelson [interrupting]: Um diddle, um diddle um diddle ai! Um diddle, um diddle um diddle um...
  • Um diddle, um diddle um diddle ai! Um diddle, um diddle um diddle um!


  • Vince: You've got to give me credit, though, for keeping our streets clean,
  • I'm on the Atkins Diet so I'm eating tramps and queers!
  • Nelson: Why don't you join the BNP? I think you'd fit in fine.
  • Vince: You must be f**king joking- I know where to draw the line!


  • Cat: He robbed me!
  • Beagle Dog: Knifed me!
  • Bulldog: Shot me!
  • Chihuahua: He poured acid down my front!
  • Rottweiler: He managed to castrate me even though the knife was blunt!
  • Chimpanzee: He took me to Oxford and abused me with a punt!
  • All: I think that we all agree he is a massive-
  • Nelson [interrupting]: Um diddle, um diddle um diddle ai! Um diddle, um diddle um diddle um...


  • Vince [to Penny]: Remember when we first met on that night out in the park...
  • Penny: You were so romantic, I just felt an instant spark...
  • Vince: If I'm being honest, that spark was a taser gun,
  • I knocked you unconscious and then I had my bit of fun!


  • Cat: He robbed me!
  • Beagle Dog: Knifed me!
  • Bulldog: Shot me!
  • Chihuahua: He poured acid down my front!
  • Rottweiler: He managed to castrate me even though the knife was blunt!
  • Chimpanzee: He took me to Oxford and abused me with a punt!
  • All: I think that we all agree he is a massive-
  • Woooaaaaaaaah...............!


  • All: He robbed me! Knifed me! Shot me! He poured acid down my front!
  • He managed to castrate me even though the knife was blunt!
  • Nelson: He anally invaded me as a publicity stunt!
  • All: I think that we all agree he….is….a….mass-....ive
  • C***********....**********T!!


  • Vince: I'm a c**t

"I'm Gonna Murder Justin Bieber"[2.3.5][edit]

  • Robert (speaking) : Okay, I’ve got a little musical number that might just fit the bill.
  • [Music starts.]
  • Robert: What was wrong with the good old days?
  • Why does everything have to change?
  • I much preferred the way things were before…
  • When Britain really had got talent,
  • And Justin frigging Bieber hadn’t,
  • Brought his insipid music to our shore…


  • Could you even name one of his songs?
  • The self-important little diva…
  • Gonna take a pick-axe to his pretty face,
  • I’m gonna murder Justin Bieber…


  • It’s easy to sing in perfect time,
  • When all you ever do is mime,
  • Thanks for destroying music, Simon Cowell…
  • Every pop star looks like each other,
  • Is that Zack Efron or a Jonas Brother?
  • Either way they should be disembowelled…


  • I’m gonna kidnap all the kids from Glee,
  • And shatter all their femurs,
  • But before he releases one more song,
  • I’m gonna murder Justin Bieber…


  • So I’m sticking with my record stylus,
  • ‘Cos you can’t buy vinyl Mily Cyrus,
  • That bitch deserves a flesh eating virus…
  • Yeah…!


  • I’m gonna butcher Joe McElderry,
  • With a blunt meat cleaver…
  • And they’ll auto-tune his final scream,
  • When I murder Justin Bieber…


  • I’m gonna murder Justin Bieber…


"Smoking Makes You Look 'Cool'"[2.3.6][edit]

  • Marion (spoken): Ah, my boy- so much you have to learn.
  • [Music starts.]
  • Marion (singing): Uh-huh, uh-huh, yes...
  • Since I wasn't around when you were a kitten,
  • Here's a father's advice, make sure you listen.
  • You have to go to university,
  • Take media studies, it's a useful degree,
  • Sniff loads of glue, the feeling's incredible,
  • And never wear condoms, they make sex terrible,


  • Backing Singers: Forget what they tell you at school,
  • Marion: Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, yes...
  • Backing Singers: Smoking makes you look cool.
  • Marion: Uh-huh, uh-huh, light up...


  • Marion: Keep your pin number simple, like 1-2-3-4,
  • I have mine tatooed on my paw,
  • If a Nigerian Prince ever e-mails,
  • Send him your bank account details,
  • Instead of a job, play internet poker,
  • But never forget, you gots to be smoker.


  • Backing Singers: Forget what they tell you at school,
  • Marion: Uh-huh, uh-huh, light up...
  • Backing Singers: Smoking makes you look cool.
  • Marion: Uh-huh, uh-huh, light up...


  • Always accept lifts from strangers,
  • Hitchhiking’s free with very few dangers!


  • (Marion): Send stuff to newspapers while you’re hammered,
  • They published my cartoon of Prophet Muhammad.
  • (Backing Singers): Forget what they tell you at school…
  • (Marion): Join new religion when you are pissed…
  • (Backing Singers): Smoking makes you look cool.
  • (Marion): This is why I am Scientologist.
  • (Backing Singers): Forget what they tell you at school…
  • (Marion): Sell a kidney if you are broke…
  • (Backing Singers): Forget what they tell you at school…
  • (Marion): But never sell a lung, boy, 'cause you got to smoke.


"Estate Agent's Song"[2.3.7][edit]

  • Nelson: Estate agents say millwall is the jewel of the east end,
  • Canary Wharf’s up-and-coming neighbour.
  • The house price indices have all gone up and bucked the trend,
  • And the amenities are improving every day.


  • Besides, no-one’s been stabbed here since Friday,
  • There’s not been a murder all day!
  • No-one’s been stabbed here since Friday,
  • We’ve not been on Crimewatch since May!
  • Mary (Red squirrel): Yay!


  • Nelson: There’s a charming artist’s quarter just behind those burnt-out cars,
  • A Banksy everywhere you lay your eyes…
  • Mary: Is that a dead tramp lying there?
  • Nelson: Of course not, this is art,
  • Should be nominated for the Turner Prise...


  • No-one’s been stabbed here since Friday,
  • No-one’s been strangled or maimed!
  • No-one’s been stabbed here since Friday,
  • And you’ll just love our needle exchange!
  • Mary: Key change!


  • Nelson: You probably won’t get shot; drive-by shootings are rare…
  • Mary: But isn’t that a drive-by shooting over there?
  • Nelson: Did I mention we’re often on the secret millionaire…?
  • Yeah…!


  • No-one’s been stabbed here since Friday,
  • Arson is on the decline!
  • No-one’s been stabbed here since Friday,
  • And gang-related deaths are so rare…
  • It’s a crime.
  • It’s a crime…
  • Mary: Where do I sign?


"Shit house party"[2.3.8][edit]

  • Nelson: Tonight’s the night I’m going to let my hair down.
  • Backing singers: Oh!
  • Marion: - Tonight’s the night I’m going to get my groove on.
  • Backing singers: Yeah!
  • Nelson: Tonight’s the night I’ll spray my French cologne on.
  • Kali: But know we really need to get a move on…


  • Everybody: We’re going to a shit house party...
  • Kali: We’ll pretend that it’s great when we’re in it,
  • But really we’ll hate every minute
  • Everybody: We’re going to a shit house party...
  • Nelson: We might be glad we came along,
  • After four white lightnings and a Jager bomb.
  • Yeah!


  • Kali: I’ll queue for seven hours for the toilet,
  • ‘Cause someone’s having unprotected… sex in the bath!
  • Marion: The girls will find out if they got their boobs out,
  • When they’re tagged in the facebook… photograph!


  • Everybody: We’re going to a shit house party...
  • Kali: We’d obviously rather not go,
  • But we said that we’d be there so…
  • Everybody: We’re going to a shit house party...
  • Marion: I’ll grope your baby sister,
  • In a game of naked twister!


  • Everybody: We’re going to a shit house party-
  • Yeah!

"Episode Dialogue" [3.0][edit]

"Pilot" [3.1][edit]

"Series 1" [3.2][edit]

"Episode 1"[edit]

Destiny: Most people have to fly a plane into a building before they're surrounded by this many virgins.

Kali: I want to join your evil scheme.
Marion: Sure, just make a cheque out to Tom Cruise, we'll send you a fact pack.
Kali: What?
Marion: Sorry, which evil scheme do you mean?

Nelson: I'm not a square. I break the rules!
Kali: Huh. The rules of Boggle.
Nelson: Still takes guts!

Trainer: Play dead.
Dogs: [in unison] Hello. I'm Richard Whiteley. [They all collapse]

"Episode 2"[edit]

Nelson: Messing around with Catnip. You've let me down, you've let your friends down... but you know who you've let down most of all?
Marion: Myself?
Nelson: The Variety Club of Great Britain. [Cut to a scene where some excrement is seen on a minibus, with children behind a man shaking his head]
Marion: I made a crap in a sunshine coach?
Nelson: Oh yes, you very much did. There was no trip to Thorpe Park for those kiddies.

Nelson: You ate your own babies?
Vince: Well, you know how it is, Nelson - it's late, you can't be arsed to go to the all-night garage, you ain't got nothing in the fridge...
Nelson: Vince, you've got Muller Rice!
Vince: Well, yeah, but no spoons.
Nelson: Wait a minute. You ate six perfectly healthy children - your own children - just because you couldn't find a spoon!
Vince: In my defence, they are both rhubarb.

"Episode 3"[edit]

Marion: We have to break up!
Lollipop: You said I was special!
Marion: I know.
Lollipop: You said you loved me!
Marion: I do love you!
Lollipop: You touched me!
Marion: Yeah, and we can never tell anyone about that. I'm not even joking.
Lollipop: Don't you want to lick your Lollipop?

Nelson: They're not loveable Christopher Biggins showbiz gays after all - they're evil gays!
Marion: Oh no, the very worst kind of gay!

"Episode 4"[edit]

Animal of courage Dog: Target, an urban fox, reddish hair, about 2ft4, answers to Nelson, also the divine Ms Vulpine. Animals of courage do we know our battle plan? Bernie?
Bernie (cat): I'll get us in the gates.
Animal of courage Dog: Bobby?
Bobby (rabbit): I'll... Take... Out... The... Alarms!
Animal of courage Dog: Vince?
Vince: I'll get the guard, right, and I'll f**k him up, right like proper beat the f**k out of him. Then right, I'll get my c**k and ram it right down his throat. See how he likes being f**ked like a Spanish choir boy. [Humps demonstratively while all watch]
Animal of courage Dog: Okay Slight embellishment there Vince, but I'll- I'll let it slide.

"Episode 5"[edit]

"Episode 6"[edit]

"Episode 7"[edit]

Kali: You're an ironic folk hero, like that retarded kid who made that stupid Star Wars video.
Nelson: Ooh ooh, you mean.... Hayden Christensen?

"Episode 8"[edit]

Destiny: So I got a new job. Glamour model.
Kali: Don't tell me. Bloke in the park. Says he can make you famous.
Destiny: Maybe.
Kali: And as he spoke to you, just how furiously was he masturbating?
Destiny: Kali, if I can get this gig, it could lead to all sorts of other stuff.
Kali: Hmm, dog porn!!
Destiny: Acting...
Kali: Dog porn.
Destiny: Charity work...
Kali: Dog porn.

Nelson: Marion, for God's sake you're going to die!
Marion: Ah, but then I will wake up in a magical fantasy land, filled with virgins!
Nelson: You mean Games Workshop?

"Series 2" [3.3][edit]

"Episode 1"[edit]

"Episode 2"[edit]

"Episode 3"[edit]

"Episode 4"[edit]

"Episode 5"[edit]

"Episode 6"[edit]

"Episode 7"[edit]

"Episode 8"[edit]