Mongrels (TV series)

Mongrels (2010) is an an adult puppet show that revolves around five anthropomorphic animals on the Isle of Dogs in London. The animals consist of: an urban fox called Nelson, an afghan hound called Destiny, a cat called Marion, a vindictive pigeon called Kali and a foul-mouthed fox called Vince.

"Characters" [1.0]

Nelson [1.1]

• (To Marion after taking catnip) I want you to eat all these bushes until you feel sick!

• I will bloody well kick myself If I don't ask this but why did the chicken cross the road?

• (After Vince catches him vacuuming and wearing a dress while Want to Break Free plays) This isn't what it looks like. Actually how does it look? With or without the shoes?

Destiny [1.2]

• Call me a prude, kind of in a hangup about lettin' strangers stick their hooters up my poop-chute.

• (To Gary) This is so cruel! Like when I was a pup and you rubbed my nose in it. Though in fairness I have rubbed your nose in it. (Cuts to Gary putting roses on his dead wife's grave) [sings] You got a dead wife, you got a dead wife.

Marion [1.3]

• [To any other character] I knew that! [Aside to himself] I did not know that!

• (Whilst high on catnip) You've got to help me, Destiny. See, there's this tree who cries, oh, how he cries. And if I can't stop him from crying, he's going to get the piggy-bird to tell me the truth. And if I hear the truth, I... will... DIE!

• Aahhh! I'm hallucinating! There is malformed Hell-baby bursting from your stomach! Jesus Christ! I want to claw my own eyes out... With my own claws! And stamp on my own eyes... With my own claws! What is that thing?!

• Margaret, my silver-haired princess, I am anything you want me to be.

• I'm a cat and I'm stuck up a tree! I'm such a cliche.

• Where am I? Crap on walls, scent of dying animals... Christ Jesus, it's a Premier Inn! I demand to speak to Lenny Henry!

• And okay i'm not your first cat, I have come to terms with this. There will allway's be a place in your heart for Mr Whiskers... The Tabby coloured cock sucker.

• (Marion is trying to enter the pub disguised as the gas man. his disguise is a wooly hat with a piece of paper taped to it. The piece of paper has the words "gas man" written on it in pen) Hello madam, I am a gas man, as you can clearly see from my official hat. I need to come in to read your meters please.

Kali [1.4]

• Let's make like a clairvoyant and rob an old lady!
• (After Marion asks Kali for Catnip) Listen Marion, there's people out there who help addicts like you. Those people are called... PIMPS!
• Kitty fiddler
• (to Nelson after getting kicked) Are you by any chance... COTTAGING FOR A STROKE?
• Ok, ok, you try telling a male crow from a female one. It's like playing "spot the Belgian" at an international incest convention!
• Death to Harry Hill and all he stands for... except TV Burp, I quite like that.

Vince [1.5]

• Morning C***s!

• You know me, I like to call a spade a c**t.

• I've been preoccupied with the whole family thing.

• (After Kali blasphemes) Did you just call God a c**t?

• Did you just call me a c**t?

• F*** a nun, Nelson, even I've been stroked.

• Who? Oh, you mean the twitchy s*****c!

• (Voice-over) My name is Vince Fox I had a accident and woke up in 19 f*****g 73. Am I mad? back in time? Or in a coma?

(Looks at crotch) Oh hello I just pissed myself... It's a coma.

• (To Nelson) Oh, Jesus! You are such a girly metrosexual wanker!

• Nelson, foxes don't have rooftop picnics, yeah? Just like we don't have christenings, or baby showers, or f*****g star signs.

• Look after my manor, or I will bum you, literally, to death.

"Songs" [2.0]

"F**k Chickens" [2.1]

Vince: Hang on, I smell chicken. And you know what I think about chickens don't you.

(Sings) They're not from this country, they spread their disease.

They look the same and all wiggle their heads when they speak.

They lay loads of eggs to get free accomodation.

F**k all the chickens, they're the scourge of the nation.

F**k chickens. F**k them back where they belong.

F**k chickens. F**k them all the way to Hong Kong.

Oh, you get loads and loads all living under one roof.

They're no good at flying, people know the truth.

Channel 4 make documentaries with them all the time.

But no one cares about the plight of the vulpine.

F**k (Obscured by the sound of a chicken sqwuaking) chickens. F**k (Obscured by the sound of a chicken sqwuaking) them back where they belong.

F**k (Obscured by the sound of a chicken sqwuaking) chickens. F**k (Obscured by the sound of a chicken sqwuaking) them all the way to Hong Kong.

(Spoken) All together now.

Vince, Foxes, and Badger (Sing): F**k (Obscured by the sound of a boat's horn) chickens. F**k (Obscured by the sound of a boat's horn) them back where they belong.

F**k (Obscured by the sound of a boat's horn) chickens. F**k (Obscured by the sound of a boat's horn) them all the way to Hong Kong.

F**k (Obscured by the sound of Nelson using an air horn) chickens.

F**k (Obscured by the sound of Nelson using an air horn) chickens.

Vince (Spoken): To actually f**ck a chicken would be wrong.

"What Kind of God?" [2.2]

• Dean (Spoken): God loves us all Kali. Even pigeons.

• Kali (Spoken): God don't exist. And I happen to that for a fact. Follow me.

(They fly up to the clouds.)

• Kali (Spoken): Tell me Dean. (Sings) What kind of God?

• Backing Singers: What kind of God?

• Kali: What kind of God?

• Backing Singers: What kind of God?

• Kali: What God allows a child of thirteen to sleep on the streets.

• Backing Singers: Out on the street.

• Kali: So that when I use a cash machine he's right there by my feet.

• Backing Singers: Right by her feet.

• Kali: It's so awkward when I have to pretend I'm skint and that.

• Backing Singers: What kind of God?

• Kali: What kind of God?

• Backing Singers: What kind of God?

• Kali: What kind of God allows that hard see-through plastic packaging on, for instance, printer cartridges and children's toys?

• Backing Singers: Amen.

• Kali: That means you have to get out the scissors but when you cut it, you end up cutting yourself on the sharp edges.

• Backing Singers: Hallelujah.

• Kali: What kind of God?

(God (played by Christopher Biggins) appears.)

• God: This kind of God.

• Kali: Oh God, it's God.

• Backing Singers: That kind of God.

• Kali: Okay man, what's with all the call centres?

• God: They provide a service.

• Kali: Even those ones based abroad?

• God: It's true, the Indian ones are abhorred.

• Kali (Spoken): I'm not being racist but it makes no sense having a rail enquiry line that isn't based locally.

• Backing Singers: What kind of God?

• Kali: What kind of God?

• Backing Singers: What kind of God?

• Kali: Junk mail in newspapers.

• God: Come on be fair.

• Kali: Motorcyclists outweaving traffic.

• God: Yes you've got a point there.

• Kali: People who bring toddlers to weddings.

• God: I shall smite them.

• Kali: Wasps.

• God: Oh why did I cre-ite them?

• Kali: People who read over your shoulder.

• God: Ex-smokers' advice.

• Kali: Overly chirpy Australian bar staff.

• Kali and God: And Katie Price.

• Backing Singers: What kind of God?

• Kali: It is not my kind of Go~d-yeah!

"What a Difference a day makes" [2.3]

• Marion: The law says today that i can't be with you.
• Lollipop: But tomorrow we can do whatever we want to do.
• Marion: I can love you.
• Lollipop: Oh yes.
• Marion: And you can love me...
• Both: Thanks to The Sexual Offences Act (2003)...
• Lollipop: One day you're a paedo...
• Marion: And you're my jailbait...
• Lollipop: Next day you're my sweetheart...
• Marion: And its suddenly legal to mate...
• Both: Oh what a difference a day makes!...
• Both: Just to way until the dawn breaks...
• Marion: Right now you can't handle the love of a man...
• Lollipop: But from tomorrow you can give it me as hard as you can...
• Both: What a difference a day makes.
• Marion: One day i'm a pervert.
• Lollipop: And i've still got my virginity.
• Both: But in less than 15 hours, its a legal technicality...
• Lollipop (Spoken): Actually i'm not a virgin...
• Both: What a difference a day makes...
• Both: Then we can legally fornicate.
• Both: I'd never believe in breaking the law today...
• Both: But tomorrow its my right to do you every which way!!
• Both: What a difference a day makes...
• Lollipop (Spoken): Lets elope together i could be your fiancé.
• Marion (Spoken): Maybe not....
• Both: What a difference a day makes...

"My Destiny" [2.5]

• Nelson: I'll always remember when I first met my 'Destiny'
• You caught my eye then you stole all the rest of me...

Destiny (spoken): You are such a geek! (Destiny is pulled away by Gary)

Nelson (spoken): It's this week's song!

(Music stops)

"Breaking up is such a faff" [2.6]

• I can't bring myself to leave her
• Breaking up would be unpleasant
• 'Cause it's almost her birthday
• And some people might say
• I only did it to avoid buying a present
• I don't want her friends to hate us
• And I've only just changed my Facebook status

• Screw it...let's just stay together!

• Breaking up is such a faff
• I can't stand awkward goodbyes
• Breaking up is such a faff
• I'll just sweat it out until she dies

• I can't bring myself to dump her
• Though she really gets on my tits
• 'Cause we've booked a trip to Pisa
• I've put it on my Visa
• If I cancel, I'll lose all my deposit
• It's easier to stay the same
• Than to file a travel insurance claim

• Screw it...let's just stay together!

• Breaking up is such a faff
• I'm too much of an emotional coward
• Breaking up is such a faff
• Besides we've just picked out a power shower

• And answer me this please:
• What about all our dvd's?
• 'Cause baby, I can't stand it if we have to fight
• over who owns that copy of The Dark Knight

• Oh, look!: 2 copies of "Dodgeball"...bonus!

• Breaking up is such a faff
• I just wish that I was dead
• Breaking up is such a faff
• If I act boring maybe she'll leave instead...

• muttering:
• Then again, you hear lots of interesting stuff about tax breaks for married people...which obviously is worth taking advantage of.
• And supposedly there's health benefits to being in a long-term relationship. Plus there's a lot to be said for regular,
• dependable sex...even if it is with someone you find physically repellent.

"Middle class is magical" [2.7]

• Nelson: Middle class is magical.

• A safe world free from strife.

• Let bad things happen to other folk.

• While you read Country Life.

• Buy an aga.

• Wear a Monsoon dress.

• Get your food from M&S.

• Own an iPhone.

• Watch Bear Grylls.

• Take anti-depressant pills.

• Middle class is magical.

• Drive a 4x4 to school.

• Keep three sorts of hummus in your fridge.

• Make over your downstairs loo.

• Learn to salsa.

• Ski in Verbier.

• Drink too much Chilean Chardonnay.

• Ignore the homeless.

• Don't mind Burkhas.

• Condescend to migrant workers.

• When all the world is middle class

• There'll be no povery or starvation.

• Because we'll all grow our own mangetout

• And Myleene Klass will the rule the nation.

• Because...

• ...Middle class is magical.

• Join us and you'll see.

• You're already halfway there

• Because you're not watching ITV.

• Yes, middle class is magical.

• What matters is what we wear.

• Let's pay someone else to do the difficult jobs

• While we work on our hair.

• Middle class is magical yeah!

"Ugly women are beautiful too" [2.8]

• Dog: So Destiny...nervous?
• Destiny: A bit nervous of the other models in case they're a bit bitchy, because I'm, like, so sensitive, I'll probably cry.
• Dog: Oh, no, we're very nice.
• Destiny: ..."We?!"
• Dog: Yes, I'll be modelling with you today.
• Destiny: Oh, wow..(!) No, good for you. Seriously. It would be nice to see some plus-size girls out there! And after all...

• [Music starts]
• Destiny: If there's one thing I know, thanks to Gok Wan's TV show
• It's that ugly women are attractive
• They're just as good as me, though lacking genetically
• With a thyroid gland that's clearly overactive

• Backing: Ugly women are beautiful too
• Destiny: They're always sweet and trusting even though they look disgusting
• Backing: Ugly women are beautiful too
• Destiny: Don't mean no disrespect when I say you look like Shrek
• Backing: Ugly women are...
• Destiny: ...Beautiful too

• Destiny: Forget exfoliation that won't hide your deformation, girl
• The only way to shoot you is with a whaling gun!
• But who cares who's the fattest, 'cos it's what's inside that matters
• And whatever the hell that is, girl, you must have bleeding tons!

• Backing: Ugly women are beautiful too
• Destiny: I'm sexy, cute, and savvy, you're why cousins shouldn't marry
• Backing: Ugly women are beautiful too
• Destiny: I look like Cheryl Cole, you're an ad for birth control

• Backing: Ugly women are...
• Destiny: ...Beautiful too
• Backing: Ugly, big, fat women
• Destiny: Just like you!
• [Music ends]

• Destiny: Don't touch me.
• [Dog runs off sobbing]

"Episode Dialogue" [3.0]

"Episode 1" [3.1]

Destiny: Most people have to fly a plane into a building before they're surrounded by this many virgins.

---

Kali: I want to join your evil scheme.

Marion: Sure, just make a cheque out to Tom Cruise, we'll send you a fact pack.

Kali: What?

Marion: Sorry, which evil scheme do you mean?

---

Nelson: I'm not a square. I break the rules!

Kali: Huh. The rules of Boggle.

Nelson: Still takes guts!

---

Trainer: Play dead.

Dogs: [in unison] Hello. I'm Richard Whiteley. [they all collapse]

"Episode 2" [3.2]

Nelson: Messing around with Catnip. You've let me down, you've let your friends down... but you know who you've let down most of all?

Marion: Myself?

Nelson: The Variety Club of Great Britain. [Cut to a scene where some excrement is seen on a minibus, with children behind a man shaking his head]

Marion: I made a crap in a sunshine coach?

Nelson: Oh yes, you very much did. There was no trip to Thorpe Park for those kiddies.

---

Nelson: You ate your own babies?

Vince: Well, you know how it is, Nelson - it's late, you can't be arsed to go to the all-night garage, you ain't got nuffing in the fridge...

Nelson: Vince, you've got Muller Rice!

Vince: Well, yeah, but no spoons.

Nelson: Wait a minute. You ate six perfectly healthy children - your own children - just because you couldn't find a spoon!

Vince: In my defence, they are both rhubarb.

"Episode 3" [3.3]

Marion: We have to break up!

Lollipop: You said I was special!

Marion: I know.

Lollipop: You said you loved me!

Marion: I do love you!

Lollipop: You touched me!

Marion: Yeah, and we can never tell anyone about that. I'm not even joking.

Lollipop: Don't you want to lick your Lollipop?

---

Nelson: They're not loveable Christopher Biggins showbiz gays after all - they're evil gays!

Marion: Oh no, the very worst kind of gay!

"Episode 4" [3.4]

[Marion wakes up, having been dumped in the petting zoo.]

Marion: Ugh. Where am I? Crap on walls... Scent of dying animal... Christ Jesus! It's a Premier Inn!

---

Animal of courage Dog: Target, an urban fox, reddish hair, about 2ft4, answers to Nelson, also the divine Ms Vulpine. Animals of courage do we know our battle plan? Bernie?

Bernie (cat): I'll get us in the gates.

Animal of courage Dog: Bobby?

Bobby (rabbit): I'll... Take... Out... The... Alaarms!

Animal of courage Dog: Vince?

Vince: I'll get the guard, right, and I'll f**k him up, right like proper beat the f**k out of him. Then right, I'll get my c**k and ram it right down his throat. See how he likes being f**ked like a spanish choir boy. *humps demonstratively while all watch*

Animal of courage Dog: Okay Slight embellishment there Vince, but I'll- I'll let it slide.

"Episode 8" [3.8]

Destiny: So I got a new job. Glamour model.

Kali: Don't tell me. Bloke in the park. Says he can make you famous.

Destiny: Maybe.

Kali: And as he spoke to you, just how furiously was he masturbating?

Destiny: Kali, if I can get this gig, it could lead to all sorts of other stuff.

Kali: Hmm, dog porn!!

Destiny: Acting...

Kali: Dog porn.

Destiny: Charity work...

Kali: Dog porn.

---

Nelson: Marion, for God's sake you're going to die!

Marion: Ah, but then I will wake up in a magical fantasy land, filled with virgins!

Nelson: You mean Games Workshop?