Monty Python and the Holy Grail

From Wikiquote

Jump to: navigation, search
Padlock-silver-medium.svg

Editing of this article by unregistered or newly registered users is currently disabled. If you are prevented from editing this article, and you wish to make a change, please discuss changes on the talk page, request unprotection, log in, or create an account.

Monty Python and the Holy Grail is a 1975 film about King Arthur and his knights who embark on a low-budget search for the Grail, encountering many very silly obstacles.

Written by Monty Python, directed by Terry Gilliam and Terry Jones

Contents

Cleric

  • And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once at the number three, being the third number to be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it."

Dialogue

Guard: Where'd you get the coconuts?
Arthur: We found them.
Guard: Found them? In Mercia?! The coconut's tropical!
Arthur: What do you mean?
Guard: Well, Mercia's a temperate zone!
Arthur: The swallow may fly south with the sun, and the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land.
Guard: ... Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?
Large Man: Who's that then?
Dead Collector: I dunno. Must be a king.
Large Man: Why?
Dead Collector: He hasn't got shit all over him.
Dennis the Peasant: Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
Arthur: Be quiet!
Dennis: You can't expect to wield supreme power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
Arthur: [grabs Dennis] Shut up! Will you shut up?!
Dennis: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system!
Arthur: [shakes Dennis] Shut up!
Dennis: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help, help, I'm being repressed!
Arthur: Bloody Peasant!
Bedevere: How do you know she is a witch?
Peasant: She looks like one.
Peasant Crowd: [shouting, indistinct]
Bedevere: Bring her forward
Girl: I'm not a witch.
Bedevere: But you are dressed as one...
Girl: They dressed me up like this.
Peasant Crowd: [indistinct]
Girl: And this isn't my nose. This is a false one.
Bedevere: [Inspects "nose"]
Bedevere: Well..??
Peasant: Well, we did do the nose.
Bedevere: The nose??
Peasant: And the hat. She's a witch
Peasant Crowd: Burn her!
Bedevere: Did you dress her up like this?
Peasant Crowd:No, No, no , ...... Yes, Yes. A bit. But she's got a wart.
Bedevere: Why do you think that she is a witch?
Peasant: Well, she turned me into a newt.
[Bedevere gives him a disbelieving look]
Bedevere: A newt?
[Silence]
Peasant: Well, I got better.
Peasant Crowd: Burn her anyway!
Frenchman: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at you, so-called Ah-thoor Keeng, you and all your silly English K-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-niggits! [makes taunting gestures at them]
Sir Galahad: What a strange person.
King Arthur: Now, look here, my good man--
Frenchman: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough water! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! Now leave before I am forced to taunt you a second time!
Head Knight: The Knights Who Say Ni demand a sacrifice!
King Arthur: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods--
Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
King Arthur: Oh, ow!
Head Knight: We shall say "Ni" again to you, if you do not appease us.
King Arthur: Well, what do you want?
Head Knight: We want a shrubbery!! [jarring chord]

Taglines

  • Makes Ben Hur look like an Epic!
  • Sets The Cinema Back 900 Years!
  • And now! At Last! Another film completely different from some of the other films which aren't quite the same as this one is.

Cast

  • Graham Chapman - King Arthur/Voice of God/Middle Head/Hiccuping Guard
  • John Cleese - Second Soldier with a Keen Interest in Birds/The Black Knight/Mr. Newt/Sir Lancelot the Brave/A Quite Extraordinarily Rude Frenchman/Tim the Enchanter
  • Eric Idle - The Dead Collector/Peasant #3/Sir Robin the Not-Quite-So-Brave-as-Sir Lancelot/The Guard Who Doesn't Hiccup But Tries To Get Things Straight/Concorde/Roger the Shrubber/Brother Maynard
  • Terry Gilliam - Patsy/Green Knight/The Old Man from Scene 24/Sir Bors/Animator
  • Terry Jones - Dennis' Mother/Sir Bedevere/Left Head/Voice of Cartoon Scribe/Prince Herbert
  • Michael Palin - First Swallow-Savvy Guard/Dennis/Peasant 2/Man Playing Instrument in the Knights of the Round Table song/Random French Guard/Right Head/Sir Galahad the Pure/Narrator/King of Swamp Castle/Brother Maynard's Roommate/Leader of The Knights who say NI!/
  • Connie Booth - The "Witch"
  • Carol Cleveland - Zoot/Dingo
  • Neil Innes - First Monk/Singing Minstrel/Page Crushed by the Rabbit/Peasant #4

See also

External links

Wikipedia
Retrieved from "http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Monty_Python_and_the_Holy_Grail"