NCIS: Los Angeles

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NCIS:Los Angeles is an American police procedural television series, which premiered on CBS on September 22, 2009. The series airs in the 9:00 p.m. timeslot following NCIS which airs at 8pm on Tuesdays. On January 14, 2010 the show was renewed for a second season by CBS. The show is currently in its sixth season.

Contents

NCIS/NCIS: Los Angeles Pilot Crossover[edit]

Legend: Part 1[edit]

Vance: (Over the MTAC feed) You tell Gibbs to call me when he arrives.
Macy: You can tell him yourself.
(Gibbs enters)
Vance: Gibbs.
Gibbs: Hello, Director Vance.
Vance: I know how excited you two are about working together. I told Sec Nav I have my best people on this case. A lot of nervous people at the Pentagon. Don't make me come out there.

Nate: (referring to Gibbs) You should have slept with him way back then. Whenever then was. I was probably in Elementary School, yeah?
Macy: How do you know I didn't?
Nate: I can tell you right now...
Macy: Don't answer that!
Nate: Okay. Cool.
Macy: You scare me.
Nate: Yep.
Macy: Leave.

Callen: Is there a reason we're not meeting in a bar right now?
Gibbs: Well, yeah. It's 10 o'clock in the morning.
Callen: I don't know what's worse: getting older or getting wiser.

Macy: Why do you want to know?
Callen: Just looking out for my family
Macy: G, you don't have any family.
Callen: That's cold, Mace!
Macy: But true.
Callen: Gibbs is family... you, too.

Callen: I'll just ask Gibbs about what happened.
Macy: Yeah, let me know if you do... I want to be there to see him sit you on your ass.

McGee: (after Sam sends Abby a photo using a giant touch screen) Oh, I really gotta get one of these.
Sam: ...You got problems.

Nate: It's called a legend. It's a word coined by the Stasi, the East German Secret Police, during the Cold War. Now, their idea was to create a cover so deep it could stand up to any scrutiny: passports, documents, work papers, even family histories, and none of it true. All a... a legend.

Legend: Part 2[edit]

Macy: As I'm sure you're aware, foreign intelligence agencies are not authorized to act within US territorial borders. I would hate for your actions to cause an incident by staying here any longer, Rivkin.
Rivkin: We each have our job to do.
Macy: Yours is done. Go home.

Nate: You worked a case together?
Macy: You could say that. It was a JAG-MAN investigation. A murder. I was the lead investigator.
Nate: And Gibbs?
Macy: Gibbs was the suspect.

Eric: Every phone call, credit card transaction, internet search, all swallowed up and stored on hard drives so people can troll them for personal information.
McGee: You mean like we're doing now?
Eric: Yeah, that's okay 'cause we work for the government. Got a National Security letter to prove it!

Gibbs: Whose boat is this?
Renko: I have no idea.
Gibbs: Hey! Sand with the grain, Renko!
Renko: You've done this before?
Gibbs: [chuckles] Yeah.

Sam: You think she's involved?
Callen: They were sleeping together. She's involved, whether she knows it or not.
Sam: Yeah...

Season 1[edit]

Identity [1.1][edit]

Hetty: Expense accounts--yours are six months behind. I would have thought that, seeing you had time off for recuperation, you would have caught up on your paperwork
Callen: Please tell me you're kidding me, Hetty.
Hetty: Well, I could, but it would be a lie. No rush! Tomorrow will be fine...

Hetty: Wardrobe for your undercover work. I know you grew up in the well-meaning, but cold embrace of the welfare state, Mr. Callen, but, just because you're an orphan, doesn't mean that you have to dress like Oliver Twist.
Callen: In the three years we known each other, you've never called me "G".
Hetty: It's not a name, it's a letter.

Callen: What are we, if anyone asks?
Sam: Uhh, city inspectors?
Callen: No, no one talks to city inspectors.
Sam: Okay, you're a realtor, and I'm your client. You're showing me an apartment.
Callen: Do I look like a realtor?
Sam: Okay, I'm a realtor, and you're the guy looking for an apartment. Can we go?
Callen: Would I live in a place like this? I don't even know if I can afford a place like this.
Sam: That's why I'm showing you, to see if you'd wanna live in a place like this.
Callen: Does it have a Jacuzzi?
Sam: If it has, I'm going to drown you in it.

Callen: Where are we with friends or lovers?
Sam: There is this one stand-out guy.
Callen: Friend or lover?
Dominic: Not really the question that jumped out at me.
Callen: Informed guess?
Dominic: He's a six-foot-three, two-hundred-pound, Special Forces-paratrooper guy. Leaning towards a friend.
Sam: Good call, Dom.

Sam: I'm definitely getting you a birthday card this year.
Callen: Great. Make sure you put some money in it.
Sam: How 'bout I put some personality in it?

The Only Easy Day [1.2][edit]

Hetty: Oh, for the love of Gucci!

(Hetty finds Sam punching a punching bag)
Sam: Why does something have to be wrong? Can't a guy just get some exercise?
Hetty: Pilates is exercise. Beating the hell out of something is an aggressive expression of male frustration.

(Hetty finds Dom aggressively punching a bag)
Hetty: What is the matter with you men?
Dom: Sorry, I was just letting off a little steam.
Hetty: Like the Little Engine That Could. I know you lost a target, big deal. It happens, get over it.
Dom: So, you heard about that.
Hetty: Of course, I heard about it. I know what you ate for breakfast, sweetie.

(Callen lets Sam go in to interrogate Raspen)
Nate: This is a bad idea.
Callen: Trust me, Doc, sometimes you have to let the big dogs work it out.

Nate: Sam, I know you're angry, and you take their action personally, but--
Sam: (interrupts him) Whoa, Doc. Do me a favor, and stay out of my head!

Dom: It's hard being the new guy.
Kensi: Try being the new girl! They used to make me crawl into air vents, under houses, just because I was the smallest one. Yeah, when was the last time you had to put on a bikini for an assignment? Yeah, that's right, try hiding a gun in your thong.
Dom: Alright, I just never thought of it that way.
Kensi: Yeah, well, it's obviously not like that anymore. I mean, if you can prove you can protect yourself, and protect your team, then they'll let up. If Sam is hard on you in the office, it's just because he wants to protect you in the field. [beat] Well, of course, either that, or he genuinely doesn't like you.

Nate: What is the world coming to, when drug dealers aren't even safe in the comfort of their own fortified homes?
Hetty: Oh, your professional psychological analysis is an invaluable asset to our team, Nate.
Nate: Thanks, Hetty.
Hetty: But your stand up needs some work. Save it for open mike night.

(Eric whistles and everyone leaves, Dominic--standing with his back turned--doesn't notice)
Hetty: Personally, I don't respond to being whistled at like a sheep dog, but Eric seems to have trained the others. So, I suggest you learn the appropriate Pavlovian response. (Dominic has a questioning look on his face) Which is GO! Go, doggie, go!

Sam: SEALs work together as a team. Holgate had the tendency to act like a lone wolf, if you know what I'm talking about.
Callen: Actually, half the time I don't know what you're talking about. And the rest of the time, I just disagree.

(Dom stands with his hands raised, unaware that Sam has left.)
Hetty: What are you doing?
Dom: Training.
Hetty: To go undercover as a scarecrow?

Predator [1.3][edit]

Kensi: I'm the best first-date-girl in town. I mean, I bring my A game: funny, flirty, charismatic, tasteful.
Sam: Like me.
Callen: And the second?
Kensi: The second date: antsy, bored, distant, impatient, irritable.
Sam: Like G.

Hetty: Few men know how to deal with a smart, strong independent woman. They say they want a soul mate to share their dreams and their hopes with, but all they really want is a substitute mommy.
Nate: Okay, as a professional psychologist, I have to completely--
Hetty: (interrupts him) Nate, sit down!
Nate: Cool, I'm going to sit.

Hetty: George Hamilton once told me that what men really love is a woman that plays hard to get… or was it Frank Sinatra?
(Eric whistles)
Nate: Saved by the whistle.

(Hetty hands out papers)
Callen: Mission briefing?
Hetty: Sexual harassment guidelines. There's a seminar next week, and it is mandatory, even for you, Mr. Callen.

(The team is watching footage of a UAV attack)
Sam: How fast can we get that footage off the web?
Eric: With or without the cooperation of Sphereguide.com's legal department? (Sam looks at him) Okay, cutting through the legal tape…(types in some code and grins) I just crashed their entire server.
Hetty: (yelling from her office) Idiot hackers!!!
Eric: Uh-oh
Callen: Sam, I think we are due in the boathouse.
Sam: Walking!
(Callen and Sam walk away, passing Hetty as she walks in)
Sam: Hi, Hetty
Callen: Eric did it.
Hetty: I was just watching that viral video with the cats, and the trampoline, and the site just froze up and crashed on me! Did you have anything to do with that?

Sam: So, what are we this time, a couple of salesmen who got lost, maybe some guys looking for an old college buddy?
Callen: How about we're two armed federal agents trying to apprehend a terrorist?
Sam: Oh, yeah!

(Hetty walks up behind Callen and Sam)
Hetty: Is that blood, Mr. Hanna?
Sam: Mostly.
Hetty: Yours?
Callen: Other guy's.
Hetty: Can we bill him?
Sam: Not anymore...?

Jenson: I don't get close to people on the job. Trust me, you open that door up and you're asking for a needy, whiny slacker of a colleague.
Callen: I know exactly what you mean.
(After Jenson leaves)
Sam: I don't whine, I'm not needy, and I don't slack.
Callen: Two out of three ain't bad.

Callen: Bad news is, our only lead in this case is dead. Good news is, you're off the hook for date number two.
Kensi: Sure, hop on the Kensi-Abuse train while there's still room.

Callen: (to Sam) You know your ears wiggle when you're trying to avoid a conversation? Its kind of adorable.

Kensi:(as Razor Mantis) I will consider answering your question, once the guy to your left stops IM-ing you about my bra size.

Hetty:(referring to the hackers) These guys have spent more time with their World of Warcraft avatars than real women who aren't called "Mom".

Nate: Whoa, what happened?
Callen: Kaleem's dead.
Nate: How?
Callen: Shot.
Sam: Blown up.
Dom: You guys are thorough.

Search and Destroy [1.4][edit]

Kensi: So, Caldwell takes Amini out and sets up Flynn to take the fall. Then tortures his foster brother, Chad Ellis, to death.
Sam: (to Nate) Shrinks have a term for someone like that, Doc?
Nate: Yeah, really screwed up.

Vance: Eric.
Eric: Director.
Vance: Congratulations on the milestone.
Eric: Aw, thank you. (chuckles)
(Callen and Sam stare at Eric)
Eric: Its Facebook, he's friend number five hundred. He was kinda honored.

Callen: Hey Eric, why don't you make Hetty one of your Facebook friends?
Eric: She's friend number 251, she writes me everyday. In Greek.

(Hetty walks up to the group with a shirt.)
Hetty: What is this Mr. Callen?
Callen: Uh, that is a knit combed cotton.
Hetty: With a bloodstain.
Callen: I would never bleed on your wardrobe, it had to be a bad guy.
Hetty: Good, bad or ugly I don't care. The point is you neglected to tell me about it and now its set long enough so that it might be permanent.
Sam: Hetty, it's just a shirt.
Hetty: No, no, no, no, this is not just a shirt. This is a Saville Row one hundred percent polished Egyptian cotton hand stitched with pearl buttons. That thing you're wearing is just a shirt.
Sam: Yeah, but it's a comfy shirt.
Hetty: (to Callen) Your new color scheme is black.
Callen: I can live with black.

Eric: A few months ago he friended her. Uh, for you older guys thats the lingo for when someone asks you into their friends list.
Sam: Whats the lingo for when someone smacks you with a flip flop?

Callen: (About an origami figure Sam made.) Is that a frog?
Sam: Its a swan.
Callen: From where, Chernobyl?

(Entering a tattoo parlor)
Callen: What was your first like?
Sam: Talkin' tats, right?
Callen: Yeah, talkin' tats.
Sam: San Diego, 16, nervous as hell, didn't really know what to expect. Afterwards I just kinda felt like a man, y'know? I don't know how else to explain it.
(Sam licks his lips and smiles)
Callen: We're talking tats, right?
Sam: Yeah.

Callen: (to Nate) So, you don't have squat.
Nate: I'd say it's more of a broad spectrum of possibilities.
Sam: Yeah, that's what they call squat.

Killshot [1.5][edit]

Sam: I guess they're still working on your office.
Nate: Yup.
Sam: Know when it's going to be ready?
Nate: I don't know.
Sam: Who knows?
Nate: Hetty.
Sam: You wanna ask her?
Nate: You're armed, you ask her.
Sam: You're the psychologist.
Nate: Look, I've been trained to profile suspects and brief you guys on operations. And with three years of college, not to mention two more years to get my masters and doctorate and when it comes to Hetty ..... Clueless.

Callen: He's a bureaucrat, Sam thinks I have a deep-seated suspicion of them.
Vance: I'm a bureaucrat, Agent Callen.
Callen: I don't have a deep-seated suspicion of you, uh, Director.

(Callen, Sam and Jimmy dive for cover behind a car as an assassin fires at them.)
Sam: You want to peak your head over and take a look?
Callen: I'm good.

Hetty:And the duress word is...?
Dom: Uh, uh.
Hetty: He who hesitates... is lost, Dominic. In your line of work... dead.
Dom: Uh, "shadows."
Hetty:And with the utterance of that single word the cavalry will race to the rescue. Let's hope they don't get caught in traffic.

Dom: Oh sh…. Oh.. Uh, guys, I think I lost a button.
Sam: You lost a button?
Dom: Camera button.
Nate: Whoa, whoa, you lost Hetty's camera button?
Sam: (shaking head) Where'd you lose it?
Dom: If I knew then it wouldn't be lost.
Callen: Well, it's gotta be around here somewhere.
Sam: We've got to find that button.
Nate: How could you lose Hetty's camera button, I mean…
Sam: (pointing) Just look under there
(Callen, Sam, Nate and Dom begin looking around the scene.)
Dom: Oh, nooo, Hetty's going to kill me.

(Callen and Sam are discussing Callen's living arrangements)
Callen: I don't know, I… I think I like the boat idea better. I can just kinda sail off.
Sam: Do you know how to sail?
Callen: No.
Sam: Well that could be a problem.

Keepin' It Real [1.6][edit]

(Discussing Agent Giordano)
Callen: I don't date law enforcement.
Sam: I think you might want to make an exception this time.
Callen: Sam, you know the rule, if they've got their own handcuffs, I'm out.

(Dom and Eric looking at busty woman on surveillance video)
Dom: Whoa!
Eric: Hel-lo!
Hetty: If only your vocabularies could be augmented as much. (walks away)
Dom: Busted.

Hetty: Take her out to dinner. After the case is over.
Callen: Agent Giordano?
Hetty: Hmm and take Sam the next night, you know how he gets.

Pushback [1.7][edit]

Vance: Somebody's been watching you Agent Callen. I need to know why. Anything you might have forgotten to tell me about?
Callen: Not that would explain this.

(Nate and Kensi are whispering in Hetty's office.)
Kensi: Where does she get this stuff?
Nate: None of it is redacted, not a single word.
Kensi: What if she is the redactor?
Nate: There is a scary thought. Hetty is the cleaning house for censored government documents cleared to the public.

Sam: You got a plan?
Callen: Yeah, How about we kick in his door and ask him why he is the only one of us that didn't get shot?
Sam: I've used that one before. It's a very effective plan.

Kensi: So how does a former KGB agent end up so wealthy, so fast?
Hetty: Because he knows where the bodies are buried. (pauses) Most likely because he's the one who buried them.

Ambush [1.8][edit]

Eric: (calling down to the team) Hetty wants you upstairs. Oh and she said one point for whoever gets up here first.
(Sam, Callen and Renko all run up the stairs, once in the operations room Hetty's not there.)
Sam: (to Eric) Are you punkin' us? Because you'd better not be.

(Hetty's on the speakerphone, briefing the team when Callen puts the phone on mute.)
Callen: Anyone else thinks this is weird?
Eric: Oh, yeah, we all think it's weird
Callen: Just checkin'. (un-mutes phone)
Hetty: Heard that Mr. Callen.

Vance: (greeting Hetty) Welcome to DC, Henrietta.
Hetty: Director Vance, door-to-door service, how out of character.
Vance: Well people can change and I owe you one, big time.
Hetty: You do, especially for forcing me to leave the children in charge.
Vance: How much trouble can they get into in eight hours?

(Phone rings, Eric answers.)
Eric: This is Eric.
Hetty: It's good to hear you still know who you are.
Eric: Ah, Hetty, you having a good time in Washington?
Hetty: The last person to have a good time in Washington was General Jubal Early in 1864, he was attacking it at the time.

(Callen's fumbling for something as he is chained to a stove with Sam.)
Callen: That bobby pin. I started wearing it in the 90s. I haven't used it since then.
Sam: That's the most well trained display of standard operating procedure I've ever seen from you.

(To reach Callen inside the militia camp, Sam lets himself and Callen be captured.)
Callen: You wanna explain yourself?
Sam: Explain myself? I saved your skinny ass.
Callen: Let's see, I had a gun and a hostage before you got here. Now I'm chained to a stove with a concussion, that's a nice save.
Sam: Ten more seconds, you'd have a dozen new bullet holes in you.
Callen: Now what?
Sam: I was hoping you had some ideas.
Callen: I'm thinking I want my gun and my hostage back.

Callen: (looking at a teenage militia member) You've got to be kidding me. I'm being shot at by a Jonas Brother... And I think I'm about to meet the rest of the family.

Callen: You know that was really stupid coming in to get me.
Sam: You're calling me stupid? You wanted to "Butch Cassidy" me. You wanted to run for it.
Callen: Yeah, it wasn't my best idea.
Sam: You wanted to "Custer's last stand" me. You want to "Alamo" me.
Callen: You going to put that in your little report, with color-coded tabs?
Sam: Yeah, tabs marked "Dumb ass idea".
Callen: Nice job, Special Agent Hanna.
Sam: Aah, you said it. You feel good?
Callen: Nah, it cheapens the work.

Random on Purpose [1.9][edit]

(Callen walks in, sees the office has been re-organized, stands and stares.)
Sam: Morning, G. (Notices the office.) When did that happen?
Callen: Don't know.
Kensi: Morning, guys. (Notices the office.) Whoa, who did this?
Callen: Don't know.
Kensi: Where's our stuff?
Callen: Don't know.
Sam: Think it's safe to go in?
Callen: Don't know.

(Discussing the office remodeling.)
Kensi: Could be one of Nate's psych experiments.
Sam: I'm not one of Nate's lab rats.

(Still discussing the office remodeling.)
Nate: Organization and productivity are directly related. Cleanliness is next to…..um….efficiency.
Kensi: So, you moved our stuff?
Nate: I tried to stop her.
Callen: Hetty. She's the only one... (Callen pauses as Hetty walks up.)
Hetty: Continue, Mr. Callen, continue.
Callen: ...With the authority.
Hetty: Ah..um.. Nate, if your comment that "They might be miffed" constitutes trying to stop me, I suggest you learn more forceful techniques of self-assertion. Not that I would have listened.

Vance: I'm sending our top forensics specialist to assist you.
Sam: But there are no forensics.
Vance: Our forensic expert has a theory about this crime that's, shall we say original. Thinks McEllon is the victim of a serial killer. No other law enforcement agency in this country thinks this killer even exists. Can't say I do either.
Callen: And you're sending this person why?
Vance: I was ganged up on. (Vance signals for an end to the video conference.)
Callen: Who gangs up on the director of a federal agency?
Hetty: Oh, you'd be surprised Mr. Callen.

Abby: So, I'm sure Leon has told you I know who killed McEllon.
Eric: Wait, you call him Leon?
Abby: You don't?
Eric: Not successfully.
Abby: Give it time.

Callen: (sighing) I'm just curious, why you pressured Vance to send Abby.
Hetty: He wasn't buying her "Phantom" theory. He needed goosing.
Callen: So, you want us chasing "The Phantom"?
Hetty: Mr. Callen is that what you think?
Callen: I don't know. There's...There's been some meddling around here. And I'm a little fuzzy on the command chain.
Hetty: This case lacks forensics. As your Operations Manager, I procured for you our best scientist to help you. You, as the head agent, are free to pursue whatever theory of crime makes the most sense. There's no fuzziness, Callen. You still shoot the ducks. I just row the boat.

(Callen and Sam are following a suspect.)
Callen: Now is that a casual walk away or is that an 'I see two guys who may be law enforcement' walk away?

(Callen and Sam are discussing options of how to get into a building through the sky light.)
Callen: Miami?
Sam: No, Miami was half the height and we still got all busted up.
Callen: One of us may land soft enough and get the shot.
Sam: Yeah, if one of us is Peter Pan.

Brimstone [1.10][edit]

(Nate walks in wearing a suit and tie.)
Sam: Oh. Mr. GQ, what's up with the big boy clothes?
Callen: Huh, what, has somebody got a big date?
Nate: No.
Sam: Mommy in town for the holidays?
Nate: No, thank goodness.
Callen: Job interview?
Sam: You're leaving us?
Kensi: Uh, who, who's leaving us?
Callen: Nate's got a job interview.
Kensi: Where?
Nate: Nowhere, I don't have a job interview. I just thought I would dress up today.
Callen: Uh-huh, you backed into Hetty's Jag.
Sam: Again.
Nate: NO! And don't even kid about that.

Kensi: God, I love men in suits.
Sam: And uniforms.
Callen: And costumes.
Kensi: When did I date anybody who wore a costume?
Sam: What about the pirate guy?
Callen: Didn't he make you wear a milkmaid outfit?
Kensi: That was for a Renaissance fair and I was a wench.
Callen: So much better.

(Nate approaches Sam who is working on a bomb at his desk.)
Nate: Wow, um... Shouldn't you be working on that somewhere a little more secure?
Sam: Like where?
Nate: Uh, I don't know a room with armor-plated walls comes to mind.
Sam: Lights good in here.
Nate: I will buy you a lamp.
Sam: King said it was defused. He seemed to know what he was doing.
Nate: The million dollar question is do you know what you're doing?

Callen: (About Nate's tie) Full Windsor?
Nate: Really? Again with the tie?
Callen: I had you pegged more as a half Windsor kinda of guy.
Nate: Is that supposed to have some sort of meaning?
Callen: You're the Psychologist.

(Hetty gives Nate a new tie after he spilled something on his.)
Nate: You think I could pull off a bow tie?
Hetty: Not without a red rubber nose and those big floppy shoes.

Hetty: (to Nate) You know in my experience if you're patient, sooner or later, the people who need to talk will seek you out; often under the guise of some other intention. You just have to listen.

(Callen, Sam and Kensi return after completing their mission.)
Kensi: Looks like Hetty is still here.
Sam: She worries.
Callen: Not like she'd ever let us know.
Hetty: I had some paperwork that needed to be completed before tomorrow, Mr. Callen; some of us take our paperwork seriously.

(Hetty is sharing how she came by the bottle of scotch the team is drinking.)
Hetty: That's what Oliver Reed thought when he tried to make me his special musketeer one night. But he kept his sword in his scabbard and I kept the scotch.
Kensi: (Laughs) Looks like you also started without us Hetty!

Hetty: What did you do to your tie?
Nate: Oh, I, uh, spilled something on it.
Hetty: Ah.
Nate: Yeah. Should I get it dry cleaned?
Hetty: Well, that's an option.
Nate: Soda water?
Hetty: Well, I'd recommend donation or incineration, not in that order.
Nate: You don't like this tie, it was a gift.
Hetty: Obviously not from a loved one.

Breach [1.11][edit]

(Callen walks into Hetty's office.)
Hetty: I already sent the others upstairs.
Callen: Good morning, Hetty.
Hetty: Well that's a matter of perspective, Mr. Callen. Uh, I've been doing some accounting and I came across an anomaly in your expenses. This is a fourteen hundred dollar restaurant bill from Matsukisa.
Callen: Um-hmm, that's from the Miygomi case.
Hetty: You mean it's not a mistake? You actually spent fourteen hundred dollars on raw fish!
Callen: Not me, my alias Tony Z did.
Hetty: Ah, ah, ah and is Tony Z going to reimburse me?
Callen: Well, you'll have to ask him.
Hetty: Uh-huh
Callen: Hetty, when I go undercover as a beach bum, I eat off the Kogi truck. When I'm going after a high roller, I've got to hit it a little harder.
Hetty: Try ordering soup, player.

(The team opens a refrigerator and a body falls out.)
Sam: Well, he's clearly past his expiration date.

(Hetty has just told the team that they have to back off the case-immediately.)
Callen: We're putting together a good case here, a big one.
Sam: Hetty, Zafari's up to something, we can't stop now.
Hetty: This is coming from "on high". When I say "on high", I mean those with the political venom to end the careers of each and every one of us, including Director Vance.
Kensi: I can't believe this, all we need is a little more time.
Hetty: I know, I know. If I may slip into the vernacular, "It Sucks". But when you hear from again in an hour or so, you will shut this down.

Past Lives [1.12][edit]

(The team is discussing possible activities for their group outing)
Dom: How about Disneyland?
Kensi: I hate Disneyland.
(Sam walks in.)
Callen: Kensi hates Disneyland.
Sam: The happiest place on earth.
Kensi: I have issues with grown men in furry costumes.
(Nate walks in.)
Sam: Unless it's Thursday night?
Nate: What are we talking about?
Dom: Quality time with the team.
Callen: Apparently it's been too long since we hung out unless there's a corpse involved.

(The team is discussing possible activities for their group outing.)
Kensi: Cowboy bar on Sunset?
Callen: With the mechanical bull?
Kensi: Yeah!
Callen: No! Hetty plus mechanical bull plus tequila shots equals bar fight. Trust me I've been there.

(Discussing possible activities for the team outing)
Nate: Bowling, it's great competition, builds camaraderie and you get to wear those funny shoes.
Sam & Callen: (Unison) No bowling!
Nate: Okay, what about the cowboy bar on Sunset?
(Hetty walks in)
Hetty: Oh, that sounds like fun.
Sam: There's a mechanical bull, Hetty.
Hetty: Oh, no, never mind.

Callen: Dom? Is that a doll?
Dom: Uh-huh no, it's a one of only five hundred Alpha Centauri Imperial Class Guardians Bobble-heads in the entire world. This is not a doll.
Callen: You're playing with an alien doll? At work?

Missing [1.13][edit]

(Kensi hands Ty the camera from Dom's car.)
Kensi: Ty, could you look at this?
Ty: Aw, poor little fellow. Who'd want to shoot you?
Kensi: You talk to your computer parts?
Ty: Do you talk to your plants when you water 'em?
Kensi: Just my orchids, but they can be tricky.

LD 50 [1.14][edit]

Callen (To Hettie): Sam Sees the glass as half full. I see it as half empty; that's why we make a good team. Kensi on the other hand just drinks right out of the bottle, Nate wonders why it has to be glass, and Eric usually breaks the glass by putting his feet up on the table.

Callen: Sam doesn't play well with others and he doesn't like to share his toys.

The Bank Job [1.15][edit]

(Sam and Callen enter the office and see a box with a snake on the desk.)
Sam: Whoa, not cool.
Callen: Definitely not cool.
Sam: You want me to handle this?
Callen: Knock yourself out.
Sam: (Examines the box)It's stuffed, it's a king cobra, and its venom could kill a grown man inside fifteen minutes.
Callen: I thought those things were bigger.
Sam: Yeah, not so big until he stretches out and locks on to your butt.

Callen: You really have a GSA class six safe in your den?
Sam: Told you, I have to keep my valuables safe.
Callen: What valuables?
Sam: (laughs) I have a mint condition Patrick Ewing rookie card, a football signed by the 1986 New York Giants and the entire run of the Silver Surfer comic book series. Plus, a couple of tickets for the Lakers-Nicks tomorrow night. And they're both spoken for.
Callen: What else?
Sam: What do you mean, what else? Why does there have to be a what else?
Callen: Because that was way too easy. (Sam laughs) And because that is your 'I'm hiding something' laugh.
Sam: There is nothing else.
Callen: There is definitely something else.
Sam: (pulling up in front of a suspect's house) We're here.
Callen: That can't be it.
Sam: Conversation's over.
Callen: Is this a Navy Seals thing?
Sam: I'll show you a Navy Seals thing. (They get out of the car)
Callen: I'm waiting.
Sam: I have a Michael Jackson glove, from the Bad tour in '87. He threw it out in the front row of the Madison Square Garden show.
Callen: One of those white gloves?
Sam: He was the King of Pop, G.
Callen: Yeah. With the sequins?
Sam: The King of Pop.
Callen: Why was it just one glove and not two?
Sam: If you have to ask, you just don't get it.

(Eric is discussing the planned bank heist)
Sam: Then why pay a heist crew? Why not hire a hacker?
Eric: Because banks have unique security protocols for funds frozen by the FBI. You have to have physical access to the actual terminal to move the money.
Callen: But that's never stopped you before.
Eric: Well, most hackers don't have access to the toys that I do. I can make us all very wealthy in about two minutes. (Sam & Callen stare at him) I mean if you wanted me to. (They keep staring) Not that you would want me to, not that I would want to. I'm just saying...you know.

(The team discusses using Kensi to flirt with the bank's inside man)
Kensi: Am I the only one who wonders why there's a suspect in every case who happens to be a bachelor?
Nate: Well, seeing as how criminals tend to be male with anti-social proclivities…
Kensi: And also wonders why that always seems to be the vector that we go after first?
Hetty: The lowest hanging fruit is the easiest to pick, Agent Blye.

Chinatown [1.16][edit]

Sam: You don't have a TV, you don't read the newspaper, you clearly don't spend any time getting ready.
Callen: Maybe I was working out.
Sam: Huh, you don't work out.
Callen: I run.
Sam: Yeah, when people are shooting at us!
Callen: You know what? I slept in.
Sam: With who? You barely sleep.
Callen: There's nobody.
Sam: Come on, I think it would be great for you to be in a relationship.
Callen: Sam, how many times do we have this conversation- you're my partner not my mother.
Sam: (makes a womans voice) I just want you to be happy and find a good girl.

Sam: What are the chances this isn't a suicide?
Eric: I'd say about zero percent.
Callen: What do you know that we don't?
Eric: Mmmmm.. The words to every TV theme song?

Full Throttle [1.17][edit]

Eric: I'm a firm believer that what you drive reflects who you are.
Sam: [chuckles] Exactly.
Eric: Whatever.
Sam: [looking at Callen] The way you drive.

Nate: What Admin Division is encrypted?
Kensi: The ones used to cover something confidential.

Sam: Take Kensi.
[Everyone looks at Sam]
Sam: Yeah, you heard me. I know you're taking PCH. I'm not sitting in traffic. So, I'll find everything I can about Yeoman Rush. You two suck exhaust for the next two hours.
Callen: Suit yourself. Come on Kens. Hey, what do you say we, uh, stop for donuts?
Kensi: I love donuts.
Sam: You didn't say anything about donuts!

Allison Pritchett: Street racing's a growing problem. These kids spend more than the car's worth making them go fast. And for what?
Kensi: [looking at Allison's purse] Same reason some people spend their mortgage payment on their purse, I guess.

Callen: I was chasing a suspect!
Hetty: Ah.
Sam: [looking at the picture] No. That was - that was our day off. You were late picking me up for a King's game.
[to Callen]
Sam: No donut, no love.

Mr. Loobertz: We put the "cool" in school.
Callen: Wouldn't that be "chool"?
Mr. Loobertz: The "h" is silent.
Callen: [quietly to himself] I'm in Ell.

Sam: You gotta admire their spirit. One tragedy after another, and they just keep moving on.
Kensi: You have to otherwise, it eats you alive.

Kensi: Give me a wrench.
[Nate hands her a wrench.]
Kensi: Whoa! Easy there, cowboy! This baby's suffered enough.
Nate: Sorry, didn't know you cared so much.
Kensi: Well, what can I say? Grease is my favorite perfume.

Sam: It's just traffic school, how hard can that be?
Callen: Remember those Libyans that took us off their troller?
Sam: Really?
Callen: The Libyans don't sing.
Sam: There's singing?
Callen: And puppets.

Allison Pritchett: Tokan was James' idea. None of the guys would race a woman. You know guys and their egos.

Omar Alvarez: Hey, what about me, huh? I-I got radiation poisoning. Come - come on. I-I need medical attention.
Sam: Hey, hey, hey. I'm gonna give you two of these, okay?
[Drops two pills in Omar's mouth.]
Sam: Better?
Omar Alvarez: Hey man! Those were breath mints!
Sam: Never underestimate the importance of good oral hygiene.

Callen: We're only going to get one chance at this.
Hetty: [enters] Then let's not screw it up. Having said that, I've made some adjustments to the Challenger.
Sam: "My" Challenger?
Hetty: It may be your car, Sam. But Uncle Sam pays the gas.

Callen: [after hearing about modifications made to Sam's car.] My car?
Hetty: From what we've seen, Mr. Callen. You don't seem to need any help.
Callen: I figured.

Nick Stringer: [referring to Sam's car.] What the hell do you have in that thing, dude?
Sam: So high above your pay grade, you wouldn't recognize the view. How was your flight? Turn over. Turn over!

Hetty: I hope you guys are better liars out on the street.
Callen: Hetty, I'm offended.
Hetty: Tough. I've removed the Supercharger from the Challenger.
Sam: Why would you do that?
Hetty: Oh geeze, I wonder.

Blood Brothers [1.18][edit]

(Sam and Callen enter the office, Sam finds a Chinese spear and begins playing with it.)
Callen: Do I have to remind you of the nunchuk incident? You get hurt; you're driving yourself to the ER. That's all I'm saying.

Hetty: Go with God, Mister Callen or whoever it is who watches over you.
Callen: I have a guardian angel. She's tiny, but very tough.

Callen: You wanna be briefed on this?
Hetty: I don't know. Do I?
Callen: I can run it by Director Vance, if you prefer.
Hetty: Oh Lord, no. One of the reasons I'm here is to protect him as a designated fall guy. 'I had no previous knowledge of the operation, Mister Secretary. That mad woman went off her rocker and acted autonomously.'
Callen: You're the first line of defense?
Hetty: Yeah, you gotta get by me first.

(Eric blows a whistle from the balcony to the rest of the team)
Eric: All hands on deck
Callen: (to Hetty) You gave him a whistle?
Hetty: Oh, do I look as if I have gone daft? I'd sooner give a chain saw to a spider monkey. At least I took his Segway away. I'll speak to Mr. Beale.
Sam: Sooner than later, okay. Because the next time he toots that thing, he won't be using his lips.

Hand to Hand [1.19][edit]

(Deeks is undercover for the LAPD and Kensi for the NCIS but they don't know the real identity of the other)
Kensi: I emailed him some photos, private photos.
Deeks: You mean like the two of you watching the sunset at Santa Monica Pier or the kind where you're not wearing anything but a smile?
Kensi: Certain kind of photos like that, they end up on the Internet.
Deeks: Wow. So definitely, uh, x-rated then, huh? Nobody under 17 admitted? Well played.
(Hetty asks Deeks to be the liaison between NCIS and LAPD and hands him a file)
Deeks: Hmm...Who are you guys?...I mean…I mean...H-how did you get all this information?..I mean the only thing missing here is….. :(She hands him a pen)
Hetty: No need to date it.

Fame [1.20][edit]

(Kensi and Deeks talking through their earpieces)

Deeks: I'm gonna call you Fern, okay?
Kensi: Don't you DARE call me Fern!

(Deeks walking toward Kensi)

Deeks: Fern! Baby girl!

Found [1.21][edit]

(Eric is frustrated trying to get information from a wet computer)
Hetty: You know I despise your wardrobe, particularly those flip-flops, not to mention your surfboard leaning preciously close to my car. The sand you track into the OPS center or the millions of dollars of top-secret technology you use to play your frivolous video games.
Eric: I only left my surfboard near you car once… twice. I don't do it anymore.
Hetty: But I tolerate it all, for the most part. And, do you know why, Mr. Beale?
Eric: My playful kitten-like personality? I-I don't know why I just said that. I make jokes when I'm nervous… using humor as a defense mechanism. It's a bad habit. I don't even know why I'm still talking.
Hetty: I tolerate it because you are unequalled at what you do. I am the way I am because I demand the best. This is an elite unit whose unparalleled success rests on the superior skills of those who work here. And that's why I know if anyone can fix this, it is you.

Hunted [1.22][edit]

Callen: You okay?
Eric: I'm not comfortable with authority figures. It's why I do what I do, computers don't talk back. Well, I mean technically they can, but even then I can manipulate the voice to make it soothing, if you want. Sexy, even.
Callen: Too much information!

Callen: Agents Callen and Hanna, NCIS.
Major Medina: Major Rick Medina, Army CID out of Washington. I just got an earful from my boss, who got an earful from your boss. Meaning I'm already prone not to like you guys.
Sam: I'm not feeling a lot of love for you right now either.

Burned [1.23][edit]

Nate: What's Callen going to do now?
Hetty: What he does best. Become a ghost.
Sam: Um, so we can't find him?
Hetty: Not until he's ready to be found.

Hetty: Oh, Mr. Callen, is this your third cell phone of the day?
Callen: I'm keeping receipts.

Callen: What happened to protocol?
Hetty: It went out the proverbial damn window. I've been thinking a great deal about your situation. Nate has misgivings about your state of mind.
Callen: Well, he's going to have to get in line.
Hetty: During this crisis, he thought he should have a gun.
Callen: You didn't?
Hetty: Perish the thought.

Callen: Eric, I need you to bring our servers back online. I want you to re-activate the computer virus that Keelson introduced to our system.
Eric: Are you serious?
Callen: Very.
Eric: You're asking me to commit technological malpractice.

Callen, G [1.24][edit]

Kort: I'm rather fond of Los Angeles, (Looks at Kensi) Maybe I'll put in for a transfer.
Sam: I hope not.

Season 2[edit]

Human Traffic [2.1][edit]

Hetty: Second unrelated question, do you have plans for this weekend?
Nate: Plans?
Hetty: Plans.
Nate: Uh, are you asking me out? No, that'd be weird. No, no plans.

Eric: Gotta love that bureaucracy.
Nate: The bureaucracy we work for?
Eric: Like I said, love that bureaucracy.

Black Widow [2.2][edit]

Sam: You were a magician once.
Callen: Not magician, illusionist.
Sam: You bought a white rabbit, G.
Callen: It came with the hat.

Borderline [2.3][edit]

Callen: I'm all for going green, reducing our footprints, but if Hetty has her way we're going to be reusing our bullets.
Sam: She just wants us to recover our brass, if possible.
Callen: Reusable water bottles, no more paper towels, no more paper cups, what's next to go?
Sam: Saving the planet, G.
Callen: Don't come whining to me when she replaces our toilet paper with used post its.

Deeks: I think theres something wrong with you hot water heater
Hetty: The showers are on a timer Mister Deeks you cleary went over the recommended amount of time.
Kensi: You might want to make an exception in his case Hetty
Deeks: I'll have you know I won the hygiene award in high school
Eric: What kind of school awards you for bathing?
Deeks: I don't know, a sparkly clean one?

Deeks: How certain are you about your tracks?
Kensi: I'd bet your life on it.
Deeks: awesome...

Kensi: Ready to go for a little ride? (Deeks smirks) On the bikes, Deeks, on the bikes.
Deeks: I didn't say anything.

Callen: We did realize he'd just gotten back from....
Hetty: Oh yes. His mission.
Sam: Which was where exactly?
Hetty: The peoples republic of... none of your damn business.
Callen: Is that where he learned to shoot?
Hetty: No I gave him a few pointers.
Sam: Apparently the peoples republic of none of your damn business can be a dangerous place.

Callen: What's the safe word?
Sam: Headlock.
Callen: Really? Use headlock in a sentence.
Sam: I wasn't planning on using it.

Hetty: (To Nate as he leaves) Keep your wits sharp, your heart open and your gun loaded.

Special Delivery [2.4][edit]

Kensi: Nell's been here less than a week, and has already taken over whistle duties. Eric is not a happy camper.
Sam: Ah, he shouldn't worry. It won't be long before she's folding her tent like all the others.
Deeks: Because?
Callen: Many mysteries of Hetty. For some reason intelligence analysts just seem to rub her the wrong way.

Little Angels [2.5][edit]

Standoff [2.6][edit]

Deeks: Hence the ten-year rule.
Kensi: Mhm?
Deeks: You should always know your partner at least ten years prior to marrying them. You date me for a decade, you deserve my hand in marriage.
Kensi: That sounds so much more like a punishment than a reward.

Kensi: Dead guy Deeks
Deeks: Now you see that wasn't funny
Kensi: Not you idiot, dead guy
Deeks: Oh yeah, dead guy... well dressed dead guy.

Anonymous [2.7][edit]

Bounty [2.8][edit]

Hetty Lange: "I sense impending mayhem...and perhaps an outrageous petty cash request."
G. Callen: "One question."
Sam Hanna: "Do you trust us?"

Absolution [2.9][edit]

Guns are drawn

French Intelligence Operative: Federal agents! Don't move!
Deeks: LAPD!
French Intelligence Operative: NSA!
Kensi: NCIS!
Deeks: M O U S E!

Everyone flashes badges and then puts their guns away

French Intelligence Operative: What are you doing here?
Kensi: This is our case.
French Intelligence Operative: Sebastian Renner was a foreign national with information considered a threat to the United States of America.
Kensi: Still our case.
French Intelligence Operative: We don't have to be adversaries, after all we are on the same side. Perhaps we can work together. Have you found anything that might be....[Gets kicked in the gonads by Kensi]
Deeks: WHOA!!!!!! [Kensi then puts her knee into the guys face knocking him unconscious and Deeks fights with the guy's partner and wins by body slaming him into a table leaving the partner unconscious. ] What are you doing? You heard the guy! We're on the same side!!
Kensi: I'm pretty sure they're not NSA.
Deeks: Pretty sure? Because you teed off on him like you were kicking a field goal!
Kensi: Deeks! I've got a hunch they're foreign operatives, ok?
Deeks: A hunch! You don't kick a guy in his junk on a hunch. Geez! Sometimes I don't even know you! Who does that?

Later, in the boat shed

Sam: Where are they now?
Deeks: Had my LAPD buddies lock 'em up downtown for a few hours. You know, give 'em a taste of the real LA that's not in the star tours.
Callen: They probably have diplomatic immunity.
Deeks: That's exactly why we put them in county. I mean they're going to be lucky if they get to make a phone call by Christmas!
Sam: Hm.
Deeks: Just uh...don't let Kensi interrogate them.
Callen: Why is that?
Deeks: Well, cause the guy on the right, she kicked him right in the nom de plumes.
Sam: No!!!!!
Deeks: Guy didn't even have his weapon out!
Callen: Really?
Kensi: I...
Deeks: Uh huh. right in the cul-de-sac. Kicked him so hard it gave me a stomach ache!
Kensi: So what! It would have been better if I had pistol whipped him across the face?
Deeks, Callen and Sam : Yes!

Deliverance [2.10][edit]

Disorder [2.11][edit]

Callen: Dare I ask what we did to deserve this, Hetty?
Hetty: Rest assured, Mr. Callen, I never give gifts unless they perfectly suit the recipients.
Callen: And perfection struck four times today?
Hetty: ...Happy Holidays everyone!

Kensi: Hetty's never given us anything for Christmas before. Why this year?
Callen: Exactly.
Deeks: Because she knows I like surprises.
Sam: You guys ever feel like we're stuck babysitting some kid whose parents won't come to get him - ever.

Sam: No, no, no, no, that's a nice spice rack.
Deeks: I know.
Sam: I bought it myself. I bought it for Hetty Christmas 2008!
Callen: Scented candle? Smells like sage.
Kensi: Jasmine...I gave that to Hetty two years ago.
Callen: Same scent?
Kensi: Same candle.

Sam: I don't run around... giving gifts to just anyone. Takes a cold woman to do me like that.
Callen: And you took a lot of thought into that spice rack, and the sweater.
Sam: You still have those steak knives I gave you?
Callen: ...Yes.
Sam: Okay.

Kensi: What if we take him back to the crime scene to jog his memory?
Navy Commander Dr. Stanfill: I wouldn't recommend that. There's a strong chance that if he's re-exposed, it'll trigger a major panic episode.
Deeks: So we may *never* know what happened in the house last night?
Navy Commander Dr. Stanfill: This man has no family and no friends. The trauma he experienced while deployed has driven him into complete isolation. Frankly, forgetting what happened last night may be the best thing for him.

Kensi: (about her ex-fiance) He said life over there was like falling through the sky. Constant rush of adrenaline. Everything felt vivid and real...And coming home to me - coming home to me felt like hitting the ground. And I did - I did everything I could.
(Kensi starts sobbing)
Kensi: Oh my...I worked with a psychiatrist. I helped with his meds and I listened. I always listened - *always*. It was Christmas morning, I woke up and he was gone.
Former Navy Lieutenant Lance Talbot: Where he go?
(Kensi shakes her head)
Deeks: (from observation) She's - she's playing him. She's trying to get him to open up, right?
(Callen and Sam exchange looks)

Former Navy Lieutenant Lance Talbot: You know your ex was right. It's exactly like falling through the sky. And - and that's why what you're suggesting scares me. I already hit the ground when I came back from Afghanistan. What if it happens again?
Kensi: I will be right there to catch you.

Deeks: Were you ever tempted to go looking for him?
Kensi: Maybe I was hoping one day, he would come looking for me.

Sam: Kensi, I know what you're going through. I've been there.
Kensi: I watched Jack...slip away. Maybe I didn't try hard enough.
Sam: I don't believe that for one minute. I know what it's like to have someone I care about come back from deployment a different person.
Kensi: After all that Talbot's been through, I'm going to do everything in my power to help him!
Sam: Kensi, Talbot's not Jack.

Former Navy Lieutenant Lance Talbot: So what do we do now?
Kensi: We'll, uh, we do what most families do on Christmas Eve.
Deeks: Watch Uncle Bob get drunk and pee in a toaster?

Deeks: Turkey sandwiches for everyone?
'Kensi: Actually, tradition in my house was ice cream and beer.
Deeks: Really?
Kensi: Don't knock it til you've tried it.
Deeks: Oh, I've tried it. Although it was 7th grade and it didn't end pretty for anyone. Unless of course, you like Jackson Pollock.

Kensi: (Waking up after being knocked out) I had a dream. I was um, being visited by the Three Wise Men, and then I saw Deeks.

Deeks: Kensi. Kensi!
Kensi: I'm good to go!
Sam: I don't think you are. And it has nothing to do with the head wound.
Deeks: I'm driving.
Kensi: (tosses him the keys) Fine. Scratch my car, I'll Ben Gay your shorts.

Kensi: When he thought I was getting suspicious, he confessed to killing both of them, thinking his PTSD would cover him. I should have seen through it.
Callen: LAPD, the entire US Navy, his own psychologist didn't get it. What makes you so special?

Overwatch [2.12][edit]

Deeks: The report says it's a home invasion gone bad.  Yousef Afzal was killed by blunt force trauma to the head, he was hit, he fell, and then died.
Kensi: And then half autopsied.
Sam: And then stolen.
Callen:  That's a bad day, even for a dead guy.

Callen: So why do you steal a dead body?
Kensi: Proof of death.
Sam: Satanic ritual.
Deeks: Cannibalism.

[Kensi, Callen and Sam look at him]

Deeks: I was just thinking outside the box.
Sam: You need to get back in the box.

Archangel [2.13][edit]

Deeks: That had better be a real badge, or my partner will kick you in the FBI balls.

Lock Up [2.14][edit]

Hetty: (to Sam) There will be a time and a place for what you want. And I promise you; you'll have it.

Tin Soldiers [2.15][edit]

Sam: Besides you don't look like a cop.
Deeks: All this *gestures at his face* is so I can go under cover.
Sam: As what? Shaggy from Scooby-doo?
Kensi: He's right, you do kind of look like Shaggy!

Deeks: Well why don't we act like partners to save our partners so you and i don't have to be partners.

Empty Quiver [2.16][edit]

Sam: Need to stop this video Eric!
Eric: Video's already in the cloud, the auto run script executable is about to go live, I'm almost there....
Sam: Eric!!
Eric: Video's been disabled guys.
Hetty: What did you just do?
Eric: I used a VNC controller to piggyback the upload with a Trojan and corrupt the streaming data packets by initiating the stack buffer overflow.
Hetty: (pause) In English, Mr. Beal?
Eric: Oh...I broke the Internet.
(Nell punches Eric's shoulder)

Kensi: Oh hey, guys! What did Eric do with the video?
Sam: He shut down the Internet.
Kensi: (looking astonished) What....the WHOLE Internet?
Sam: (matter-of-fact) Yeah.
Deeks: Even Twitter? Whoa.

Personal [2.17][edit]

Deeks: The hospital asked me for my next of kin. Who should I put?
Hetty: Lang. Henrietta

Deeks: My name is deeks really?

Harm's Way [2.18][edit]

Eric: (whistles for the team) You hear the shrill, you know the drill!

Deeks: (walking into a suspect's motel room) Ya know, for a guy who lived here for 18 months, he sure doesn't have much to show for it. He's got no big screen flat plasma TV...
Kensi: (clicking on laptop) Computer's configured for Arabic.
Deeks: (opens fridge) No beer. No funky, week-old clothes in the corner. No pizza boxes. This is very un-American.
Kensi: (picks up passport) Felix Attino. Colombian.
Deeks: That explains why he's un-American, but not why he speaks Arabic.
Kensi: (picks up a second passport) This would. A Yemini passport. Look at the name.
(passport reads: Saadat Habaza)
Deeks: We just found Abdul's brother.

Sam: This isn't the way home.
Callen: Nope. Promised Hetty I'd get her a futah. Bright colors.
Sam: Better get her two.

Imposters [2.23][edit]

Hetty: Being in charge sucks, Mr. Callen. Everyone looks to you for guidance and answers - even when you have none to give.
Callen: Well, I've never known you to ever be at a loss for words.
Hetty: The true test of a commander is when he is as frightened and confused as those who look up to him. In that moment, when you can't find it in yourself, you will find it in them. That's leadership.

Season 4[edit]

Endgame [4.1][edit]

Recruit [4.2][edit]

Kensi: You didn't give me a chance to miss you, Deeks.
Deeks: Is that why you turned your cell phone off?
Kensi: I turned my cell phone off because I was at a yoga retreat, and I needed to relax.
Deeks:: Uh, wait a minute. You don't do yoga. I do yoga, and you mock me for it.
Kensi:: That's because I do it for spiritual centering. You, on the other hand, do it to pick up chicks.

Hetty: When I'm gone, I'm gone. No ceremony, no memorials, and absolutely no bringing of flowers to my grave.
Callen: Don't worry. There will be none of that.
Hetty: Good.
Callen: From what I hear, Granger is going to have you stuffed in a lifelike pose for his office.
Hetty: Don't be cheeky.

The Fifth Man [4.3][edit]

Dead Body Politic [4.4][edit]

Nell: Our friend Chaucer has led a big life. He's descended from a long line of award-winning poodles.
Kensi: Chaucer was flown to Paris twice, to breed.
Deeks: He was paid to have sex in Paris? I should have been born a dog. (Kensi stares at him) I walked into that one, didn't I?

Deeks: Hmm... think I'm gonna have to go spend some time with him, alone.
Kensi: Why? What's going on?
Deeks: Nothing. I just got a way with animals.
Kensi: Okay, when you say it like that, it sounds really creepy.

Granger: I left DC to escape politics.
Hetty: Owen, you can't escape politics. You either play or get played.

Hetty: (to Kensi) I once ruled Nicaragua for 72 hours. Don't ask.

Out of the Past [4.5][edit]

Rude Awakenings [4.6][edit]

Skin Deep [4.7][edit]

Deeks: (about his love for Donny and Marie) Is that so wrong? Does that make me a bad person?
Kensi: Not at all. Just a little bit creepy.
Deeks: Oh, good, then that doesn't change anything between us.

Collateral [4.8][edit]

Granger: So, would you do it again?
Hetty: Without hesitation, Owen. Two lives saved hundreds of others.
Granger: Well, Potter planted the bomb, but it was your finger on the detonator.
Hetty: Not everyone can do what we do. The secrets we live with, the personal sacrifices we make. I just pray the world's a better place for them. I didn't choose this life, Owen. It chose me. All you can do is keep your head down, your gun up and your conscience clear.

Nell: Somebody is out there trying to kill her.
Eric: I know, we've got to stay cool. This is Hetty, right? She's always three steps ahead of everyone. She's tactically brilliant, ridiculously courageous, experienced, resourceful. I mean, if Mata Hari and Genghis Khan had a daughter, it'd be Hetty.
Nell: Or General Patton and Joan of Arc.
Eric: Exactly. Her kung fu is strong, and her magic is powerful. Say it.
Nell: Her kung fu is strong, and her magic is powerful.
Eric: Don't underestimate Hetty. She never underestimates us.

Callen: She blew me off.
Sam: I ignore you all the time; it never bothered you before.
Callen: Something's up.
Sam: Something's always up with Hetty.

The Gold Standard [4.9][edit]

Callen: The man who can keep a secret may be wise, but he is not half as wise as the man who has no secrets to keep.
Hetty: Edgar Watson Howe. And yet it's a necessary evil in our business, I'm afraid.

Free Ride [4.10][edit]

Callen: I know that look.
Sam: You're starting to sound like my wife. You know what they say when your partner starts sounding like your wife?
Callen: Get a new wife?
Sam: I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that.

Drive [4.11][edit]

Kensi: She might feel more comfortable with a sympathetic female.
Deeks: I don't know, I'm pretty in touch with my feminine side.
Kensi: Yeah, see, that's the problem. If you did have a feminine side, you'd be touching it all the time.
Deeks: Wow. And yet, so true.

Paper Soldiers [4.12][edit]

Kensi: Well, if you must know, I've killed another house plant. That is fourteen since July.
Deeks: Wait. That's it? That's the source of your sourness?
Kensi: It was a cactus.
Callen: You killed something that thrives in Death Valley?

The Chosen One [4.13][edit]

Kill House [4.14][edit]

Nell: Can I ask you guys a question?
Callen: Go ahead.
Nell: Um, when do you stop being afraid of you know, busting into places, guns blazing?
Callen: When you trust your training.
Nell: That's easier said than done.

Deeks: Do we get a safety word?
Sam: What do you think?
Deeks: I was hoping for a yes.
Kensi: This isn't one of your bondage sessions, Deeks.
Deeks: She's kidding, but if you hear me yell noodles that means I'm in trouble.
Callen: If I hear you yell noodles, I'm gonna shoot you myself.

History [4.15][edit]

Deeks: I cannot wait to retire.
Sam: You know, you actually got to do some work before you can retire from something, Deeks.
Deeks: Just gonna sit on that beach with my dog, Monty Junior, Junior. You know, just checking out the lady birds in their bikinis.
Kensi: See, you're only young once, but you can be immature forever.

Purity [4.20][edit]

Kensi: We'll take the bikini bar.
Deeks: What? We will?
Kensi: I don't like to see him beg. And plus, he would mope all the way to Point Mugu if we didn't.
Deeks: This is fantastic news, but I don't beg.
Kensi: Oh, you beg.
Deeks: I definitely don't mope. 'Cause you're the moper. You're, like, Mopey Dick

Resurrection [4.21][edit]

Kensi: Look, I am taking a leap here with this babysitting thing. It would be really nice to have my partner there to back me up. That is, if he takes me up on it.
Deeks: You want to play house?
Callen: They want to play house, Sam. At your house, when you're not there.
Sam: Oh, yeah? I have nanny cams. Everywhere.
Deeks: That's okay, 'cause I do some of my best work on camera.
Kensi: Oh, thank you for an image I will never be able to get out of my head.

Raven & The Swans [4.22][edit]

Callen: Our boy got a briefcase.
Sam: Lap top probably inside.
Callen: What are the chances of getting that away from him long enough to access the computer?
Sam: Creating a distraction and grabbing the case 10 seconds, breaking the combination if it's locked another 20, copying the files 2 minutes.
Callen: Outsmarting the bad guys?
Sam: Priceless!

Sam: (referring to Callen and Hetty) Yeah, you two are cut from the same cloth.
Callen: Hardly. Hetty is, uh, hand-painted silk. I'm more of a--
Sam: Itchy polyester?
Callen: I was gonna say denim.
Sam: Well-worn denim.
Callen: What the hell's that supposed to mean?

Parley [4.23][edit]

Kensi: [flashing her badge] NCIS.
Monica: Excuse me?
Kensi: Too many letters? Federal agent.

G. Callen: That whole motherland thing's overrated. I mean, look at me. I come from a line of blood-feuding gypsies who keep trying to kill me. How's that justice?

Descent [4.24][edit]

(Deeks is looking at Kensi after he kissed her)
Deeks: How's that for communication?

Season 5[edit]

Ascension [5.1][edit]

Michelle: Isaak! You sent Barbies after me? I hate Barbies. I used to pull their heads off when I was a kid.
Sidorov: How did you find me?
Michelle: A Barbie told me. Right before I pulled her head off.

Impact [5.2][edit]

Deeks: You got me a Cronut?
Kensi: Um, I did, but that was a while ago, and I left it at your doorstep, so that's old, don't eat it.
Deeks: N-N-N-No, d-don't throw it away. It's the thought that counts, I'm gonna frame this thing.
Kensi: You're so weird.
Deeks: I mean, look at that. It's like America and France made slow, sweet love and then had a pastry baby.


Kensi: What happens next?
Deeks: It's a love story.

Omni [5.3][edit]

Hetty: Oh, uh, I need to inform you all that because of an executive order, Omni's shares of Norris BioTech are now the property of the U.S. And Dr. Leonard will be the acting president of the company. That's it.
Deeks: Good for him. See? I told you. He's, uh, socially awkward and annoying because he's a super genius.
Kensi: Great. What's your excuse?

Deeks: You know, the goal here was to look like a Hollywood hipster. Ensemble you got going, it's like Gap threw up some Hot Topic. Definitely not hip.
Kensi: Yeah, well, it takes a special kind of guy to wear jeans that skinny.
Deeks: They're tight. I mean, they're real tight. They're tight because I need my space. You know what I mean? Tight in all the right places.
Kensi: And yet you still found room to hide your gun.
Sam: They're like Archie and Edith.
Callen: It's more like Archie and Meathead.

Sam: I thought that party was VIPs only.
Deeks: Yeah, no... I... not-not that I'd been, but if I had been, which I'm not saying that I have, it's only because the security guards are very pro-LAPD.
Kensi: Which probably means he used his badge to get in.
Deeks: Of course I wouldn't do that. That's against, uh, LAPD regulations.

Reznikov, N [5.4][edit]

Deeks: Why'd you wait with the bodies? You could have been long gone by the time we got there.
Kolcheck: Because I wanted you to know what happened, what Callen was going to do.
Kensi: Why?
Kolcheck: Because Callen is a friend of mine and I don't want him to die today.

Unwritten Rule [5.5][edit]

Jason: (To Deeks) Are you trying to annoy me?
Kensi: He doesn't have to try, he's naturally annoying.

Nell: Uh, sorry that took so long. I was stuck behind an old man on a scooter for the past six blocks.
Callen: I'm sure he appreciated your patience.
Nell: Well, he flipped me off before I finally passed him.
Callen: He was probably just waving.
Nell: He called me a ginger bitch.
Callen: Yeah, I got nothing for that.

Deeks: Hetty, hi. Can, I, uh... ask you a question?
Hetty: No.
Deeks: No, as in, I can't ask you a question?
Hetty: No. Upstairs, there's a case.
Deeks: You're not even curious of what the question is?
Hetty: No. (walks away)
Deeks: Okay. I cherish these conversations. Feels like we're really bonding as a couple.

Big Brother [5.6][edit]

Callen: Think the neighbors had any idea they were living next to a drug cartel?
Sam: Like your neighbors have any idea who they're living next to.
Callen: Of course they do, a handsome bachelor.
Sam: A quiet man who keeps to himself? Classic description of a serial killer.

The Livelong Day [5.7][edit]

Sam: Hey, Kensi.
Kensi: Yeah.
Sam: What happens when Mercury is in retrograde?
Kensi: Deeks gets retro-annoying.
Deeks: Wow.
Kensi: Oh, come on. Problems happen all the time, and three times a year, we have to blame it on Mercury? Ridiculous.
Sam: Sounds like an urban myth.
Callen: It's more like a superstition.
Deeks: Don't do it, don't taunt Mercury.
Callen: Or what, the guy in the chariot's gonna stop pulling the sun around the Earth.

Fallout [5.8][edit]

Granger: (about the off-the-book operation) Do you have any idea what you've done?
Callen: Retrieved our technology?
Sam: Made the world a better place?
Deeks:: And looked good while doing it.

Deeks: Okay, honestly, who still uses a pay phone? I'd rather kiss the Outbreak monkey than use a pay phone.
Kensi: How are you a germaphobe? I've seen your apartment.
Deeks: Okay, I'm fine with my own germs, and you, of all people, should not be giving housekeeping notes. I've seen cleaner litter boxes.
Kensi: Oh, meow.

Recovery [5.9][edit]

Kensi: Damn it, Deeks, you asked me out on a date without actually asking me out on a date. Now, if this keeps going this way and we can't communicate, and we've been over this, you never say what you mean, a-and if this is the way it's gonna be, then I don't know how we're ever gonna--
Deeks: I don't want to be here with you right now.
Kensi: What?!
Deeks: I want to be at my place, right now... with you.

The Frozen Lake [5.10][edit]

Iron Curtain Rising [5.11][edit]

Kensi: Well, I feel like they resent me being here.
Granger: Why would they? And even if they do, so what?
Kensi: Well, some of us don't relish being disliked.
Granger: Let's focus on the mission, Miss Congeniality.

Sam: You know you have a house now. You can sleep there. That's what normal people do.
Callen: I sleep there. I do.
Sam: You're like a cat that keeps going back to its old place, even though the owners moved.
Callen: What do you want me to say? I'm a creature of habit.
Sam: Yeah, you're a creature, all right. Of bad habits.

Merry Evasion [5.12][edit]

Hetty: How are you doing?
Kensi: Fine.
Hetty: Bone china is fine. You are not bone china.
Kensi: I'm doing very well.
Hetty: Uh-huh. What's your assessment of the task force?
Kensi: They're okay.
Hetty: I think the mountain air must have limited your vocabulary.

Hetty: And you two can go interview the senator.
Deeks: The two of... You mean the two of me?
Hetty: I want you and Nell to see the senator, find out if he knows anything about these Chinese PLA threats.
Deeks: Me and... Nellosaurus?
Hetty: Yes, I move fast, Mr. Deeks. Gotta keep up.
Nell: Let's go, Shaggy.
Deeks: Well played. I'm with you, Velma.

Allegiance [5.13][edit]

War Cries [5.14][edit]

Tuhon [5.15][edit]

External links[edit]

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