In all my days in the penal system — and that ain't no small number of days, is it, boys? [guards shake their heads] Mickey and Mallory Knox are without a doubt the most twisted depraved pair of shitfucks it has ever been my displeasure to lay my god damn eyes on. I tell you these two motherfuckers are a walking reminder of just how fucked up this system really is.
Once upon a time, a woman was picking up firewood. She came upon a poisonous snake frozen in the snow. She took the snake home and nursed it back to health. One day the snake bit her on the cheek. As she lay dying, she asked the snake, "Why have you done this to me?" And the snake answered, "Look, bitch, you knew I was a snake."
Mallory: I see angels, Mickey. They're comin' down for us from heaven. And I see you ridin' a big red horse, and you're driving them horses, whippin' 'em, and the're spitting and frothing all 'long the mouth, and the're coming right at us. And I see the future, and there's no death, 'cause you and I, we're angels...
Mickey: I love you, Mal.
Mallory: I know you do baby, and I've loved you since the day we met.
Boy 1: Mickey and Mallory are the best thing to happen to mass murder since Manson.
Boy 2: Yeah! But... they're way cooler!
Reporter: Do you have anything to say to your fans?
Mickey: You ain't seen nothing yet.
Wayne Gale: We are talking about nothing less than television history. The first sit-down interview with the most charismatic serial killer ever. This is Wallace and Noriega. This is Elton John confessing his bisexuality to Rolling Stone. This is the fucking Nixon-Frost interviews. Time's running out, mate. What's the answer?
Mickey: I say go for it.
Mickey: But I came to the direction I need a gun. So, the next day I started off early for work, and I'm gonna stop by a gun shop and pick up a little home protection. I walked into the place and had never seen so many guns in all my life. So, I'm looking around, then this really nice sales guy comes up to me. His name was Warren. I'll never forget his name. He was really nice. Anyway, Warren showed me all these different models of guns. Magnums, automatics, pistols, Walters. And I ask to see a shotgun. He brings me a Mossberg pump action shotgun. As soon as I held that baby in my hands, I knew what I was gonna do. It felt so good. It felt like it was a part of me. They had a mirror in the store. I looked at myself holding it, and looked so fucking good, I immediately bought it. Bought a bunch of boxes of ammo. Turned my car around, drove to Mallory's house, we took care of Mallory's parents, packed up the car, and we were off. Everybody thought I'd gone crazy. The cops, my mom, everybody. But you see, they all missed the point of the story. I wasn't crazy. But when I was holding the shotgun, it all became clear. I realized for the first time my one true calling in life.
Wayne Gale: What's that?
Mickey: Shit, man ... I'm a natural born killer.
Wayne Gale: So tell me. How can you look at an ordinary person, an innocent guy with kids, and then shoot him to death? I mean, how can you bring yourself to do that?
Mickey: Innocent? Who-who's innocent, Wayne? Are you innocent?
Wayne Gale: I'm innocent? Yes, I am. Of murder? Definitely.
Mickey: It's just murder. All God's creatures do it. You look in the forests and you see species killing other species, our species killing all species including the forests, and we just call it industry, not murder. But I know a lot of people who deserve to die.
Wayne Gale: Why do they deserve to die?
Mickey: I believe they got something in their past, some sin, some awful secret thing. A lot of people walking around out there already dead. They just need to be put out of their misery. That's where I come in. Fate's messenger.
Wayne Gale: You just said an instant of purity was preferable to a lifetime of lies. I don't understand. What's so pure about forty-eight dead bodies?
Mickey: You'll never understand. Me and you, Wayne, we're not even the same species. I used to be you … then I evolved. From where you're standing, you're a man. From where I'm standing, you're an ape. I'm here … I'm right here … and you … you're somewhere else, man. You say, why? I say, why bother?
Dwight McClusky: Yes! What is it, Natapundi?
Dwight McClusky: I DON'T CARE WHAT YOUR FUCKING NAME IS!
Napalatoni: Mickey and Mallory Knox are loose, Scagnetti's dead, and they're live on national TV!
Dwight McClusky: LIVE ON NATIONAL TV? JESUS HAROLD CHRIST ON A FUCKING RUBBER CRUTCH, IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?
Son: What the hell is that?
Father: A bitch out of hell, son. Take a run at her kiddo!
Dwight McClusky: Just how far do you think you're gonna get?
Mickey: Right out the front door!
Dwight McClusky: THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN!
Mickey: It IS happenin'.
Dwight McClusky: I will personally hunt you down, blow the head off your fucking whore wife, AND PLANT YOUR SICK ASS IN THE GROUND ALL BY MYSELF!
Mickey: Another day, perhaps, but not today!
[Mickey and Mallory are about to kill Wayne Gale]
Wayne Gale: [pleading] I thought a bond developed between us!
Mickey: No. Not really. You're scum, Wayne; you did it for ratings. You don't give a shit about us or anybody else except yourself; that's why nobody gives a shit about you. That's why "helicopters" were not "deployed".
Wayne Gale: Wait! Don't Mickey and Mallory always leave one person alive to tell the tale?