One Foot In The Grave

One Foot In The Grave was a BBC television situation comedy series written by David Renwick, which aired from 1990 to 2000.

Victor Meldrew

• What language are you talking in now? It appears to be Bollocks!

Victor Meldrew, from the episode The Trial.

• I asked him if, for the time being, he'd put it in the downstairs toilet for me, and you know what he's done? He's only planted it in the pan! Yes, actually in the lavatory pan, with compost and everything! I mean, how anyone can be so utterly goofy just boggles the mind... a mistake anyone could have made? Are you stark... I mean, what am I supposed to do, cock my leg against the trunk like a Yorkshire terrier?

• Absolutely bloody hideous! Makes more sense wearing a loaf of bread on top of your head! Yes... Hello. I want to speak to the manager please and quick about it... Meldrew. No he DOESN'T BUT HE BLOODY WELL WILL SHORTLY!

Victor Meldrew

• [coming in with chocolate wrappers] Seven chocolate wrappers today. Makes you wander why the bother about funerals anymore. [Imitating punters] "Grandma's dead, should we bury her? No, I can't be bothered. Just sling her over that bloke's fence. He'll clean it up."

• I don't believe it!/I do not Believe it!

• [Talking about 1992 General Election result] I couldn't believe that last election result. It's like hiring a man-eating shark as your children's swimming instructor. [imitating parent] "Yes, I know it bit my baby's head off last time, but I still think it deserves another chance."

Victor Meldrew, from the episode The Beast In The Cage.

• The first 50 miles on the go all the way- your sense of direction- bowling along. Get past 60 and everything slows down to a sudden crawl and you realize you're not going anywhere any more. All the things you thought you were going to do that never came to anything. You can't turn the clock back- it's one way traffic just gradually grinding to a halt.

Victor Meldrew, from the episode The Man Who Blew Away.

• What's the difference between Victor Meldrew and a chef who keeps dropping his pancakes?...They're both useless tossers!! Wha--, well that's incorrect, that's not the difference, that's what we have in common!

Victor Meldrew, said when he found out that someone had been tampering with the jokes in the christmas crackers.

Victor Meldrew, from the episode The Beast In The Cage.

• Huh just typical... have you read this? A man in South London was arrested the other day when a dead body was found in the boot of his car. Though interestingly this somehow was overlooked when the car went in for its MOT the day before!

• I mean we were just asking for trouble weren't we? Leaving Mrs Warboys to hold the fort when this arrived (points at massive telly) [imitating Mrs Warboys) It's a whopper isn't it Mr Meldrew.

• Well that just about takes the bloody biscuit. You know that young bloke from down the road and his girlfriend? They were only having sex on the back seat of our car. I forgot to close the sunroof properly. Carrying on bold as you like. They didn't even stop when I opened the door, stark naked the pair of them and he had the cheek to tell ME to go and PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!!! Said I was letting the whole tone of the area down.

• Hello? What? No we CAN'T bloodywell move any further forward. I couldn't give a bugger if you are. 5 yards my foot it's 4 at the most and where's that going to get you anyway? Well you can bloody well LUMP IT THEN CAN'T YOU!?. (Horn honks) And you.

• Yes I've always said that for a really super Bank Holiday treat you've got to go a long way to beat four and a half hours staring up a horse's BOTTOM!

Nick Swainey

• Remember me? Nick Swainey, Outwardbound for the Elderly. I called round that day and you told me to piss off.

Said by Mr Swainey in a jokingly fashion.

• Wakey, wakey, everyone! It's a beautiful morning! I've just been watching two frogs having sex!

Dialogues

• The following conversation surrounds the scene where Mrs. Warboys was meant to collect Victor's dry-cleaning. She instead brought back a gorilla costume.

Victor Meldrew: What's this!

Mrs Warboys: Oh, yes. She said they got almost all the beetroot out. Myself, I can hardly see a thing.

Victor Meldrew: No! This! I mean... This isn't my suit!

Mrs Warboys: Isn't it?

Victor Meldrew: Of course it... Where in the name of sanity did it come from?

Mrs Warboys: Oh, don't tell they mixed up the tickets again.

Victor Meldrew: Mixed up the... You must have seen it as a mistake when they brought it out!

Mrs Warboys: Well, I don't know what your suit looks like, do I?

Victor Meldrew: Well, it doesn't bloody well look like this! I mean where do you think I shop? King Kong at C&A!

Victor Meldrew, and Mrs Warboys, in one of their many arguments, in the episode "Descent into the Maelstrom."

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• From the episode "The Man in the Long Black Coat." This sequence concerns a conversation between Margaret and Pippa.

[Discussing Victor and Patrick's feud]

Pippa: I don't know what to do about him and Victor. I mean, it's one thing to call someone a "tosspot" to their face, but when you go to the lengths of having it iced on the front of a Thornton's easter egg, I think it's got beyond a joke. I mean, he did put a card in the post as well. No name or address on the envelope, just the word's "To that cretin in the cap." I suppose it helped him let off steam at the time.

Margaret: Yes. The irony is, we received it. About the quickest a letter's ever got to us, I think.

---

[Talking about Victor's diet]

Pippa: What sort of things does he eat?

Margaret: [disgustedly] Anything, of any sort or description. In the most hideous and disgusting of combinations. Food you wouldn't put in the same cupboard, he'd happily slice up together on his weetabix. It's like watching non-stop junk mail going through a letter box. I think he lost all sense of taste years ago.

Pippa: Stomach like a bin liner? [Margaret murmers in agreement]

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[Talking about Pippa's pregnancy]

Margaret: You must be thrilled, congratulations.

Pippa: [Sombrely] Well, I'm not sure "thrilled" is the word. Wasn't exactly planned. I know I'm supposed to be all glowing and maternal, but when you look round at the state of things, I don't think life is something I'd wish on my worst enemy. And you never know what you're bringing into the world. I mean, look at the people who started out as babies... Hitler... Dr. Crippen...

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• From the episode "The Worst Horror of All," Victor is working as a doorman at the expensive Norfolk Royale Hotel, and is being treated with contempt by a posh man with a toupee and his partner and is suffering from flea bites.

Man: Did you hear me?

Victor: I'm sorry?

Man: Are you awake this morning? I said there's a fur coat in the back.

Victor: [checking] Oh yes, so there is.

Woman: Well?

Victor: Hmmm?

Woman: Well, darling, are you sure we've come to the right hotel?

Man: The coat, please, doorman.

Victor: Oh, yes, sorry. [Takes coat from back seat of taxi]

Man: Mind what you're doing with it, man, it's not some rag from Marks and Spencer's. Have you any idea how much this cost.

Woman: [smugly] I shouldn't think so for a moment.

Man: If you're serious about wanting to work here, chum, you're going to have to revise the attitude to the job, that's a tip from me. [Victor struggles to conceal his rage] The people who come here expect to be treated with a certain... deference... and respect. Sloppiness and bad manners just won't do. Do you understand what I'm saying?

Victor: [with poorly concealed menace] Yes. Right. I do understand what you're saying, and I'm very sorry...

'Man: [contemptuously] I should think so -

Victor: [louder] Yes, I'm very sorry because I'm afraid I'm going to have to throw your toupee down the drain. [Grabs the man's toupee and drops it down the drain]

Man: [in shock] What the...! [He is unable to retrieve it in time. They stare at Victor in shock]

Victor: I'm sorry neither of you have managed to master the mechanics of a door handle. That must be very complicated for you with your limited brain power. [to the woman] Oh, and do forgive me for not getting the fur coat out. Because if you hadn't chopped its legs off, it could have climbed out on its own. [to the man] You asked me if I wanted to go on working here. Well if it means sucking up to odious bastards like you two every day, then I think I'd rather remain unemployed, thank you very much! [opens taxi door]

Man: [In shock] You crabby old cretin, I'm gonna wring your - [woman screams] What is it?

Woman: I just saw something hopping about in the fur. Oh my God, I feel sick. And there's another one! It's a flea!

Victor: Yes, they make charming pets. You find you grow so attached to them. And of course, vice versa. [To taxi driver] Home please, James, to number 19 Riverbank. [Slams taxi door shut and it drives off]

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• The following conversation surrounds the scene in the episode, The Beast In The Cage, where a yuppie proceeds to talk to two ladies in a car on the other side of Victor's in a traffic jam, yet talking through Victor's car.

A man leans forward and proceeds to talk to Victor...

Salmon: So recession on recession. I've got two salons in North London both doing serious business. The way I look at it, the economy may stop growing, but your hair doesn't, know what I'm saying? So I'm now looking for a third outlet in Pimleco. Probably opening next summer. So you just pop along, mention my name, and get a free shampoo and set on the house. Just say your friends with Mr. Salmon.

It is then noticed that Salmon is acually talking to two women in the car beside Victor's, but is doing so through Victors car window...

Lisa: Oh, I don't know.

Carol: Sounds a bit fishy to me.

Lisa: You could be anybody.

Salmon: Well you'll just have to trust me, won't you my sweet heart. I'll tell you what, you can have a full perm for half price. What did you say your name was?

Lisa: Lisa.

Salmon: Lisa. And your friend?

Carol: Carol.

Salmon: Carrol. You can have the full works. Cut, dyed and blow dried all at twenty percent discount. And I might even take you out for a drink after now I can't say fairer then that can I?

Lisa: How do you know I'm not a natural blonde?

Salmon: Well that's for you to prove otherwise isn't it.

Victor Meldrew: Oh, for God's sake! I think I may throw up!

Salmon: Sorry whats your problem matey?

Victor Meldrew: Why don't you just dangle your private parts out the window for goodness sake?!

Carol Who asked you to shove your nose in you miserable old Fart.

Victor Meldrew: I'll shove my nose in where ever I want, this is my air space when you've quite finished conducting your sex lives through the middle of it! My car's being used as a bloody contraceptive.

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• Hilarious scene performed by Angus Deyton and Geoffrey Perkins as Patrick and his brother Nigel both on the phone at the same time.

Patrick: Frankly Mr Skinthorpe, what side of bed I got out of this morning is not a matter I consider relevent. The fact is that the Open Sesame Garage door which you installed last week has just jammed for the third time, and as BMW rather short sightedly failed to include a limbo dancing option on the new 300 series, I am keen to learn how you expect me to get the car on the road.

Nigel: Yes, I'll tell you precisely what's 'chafing my hide' this morning, Mr Gorrindge. It concerns a majestic 2000 millenium globe which I foolishly ordered from your company for my brother's birthday, which I can't help noticing has arrived with two Northen Hemispheres.

Patrick:If by 'one of our top service engineers' you are referring to that child with the head-full of glue who spent three hours here yesterday wobbling around on a ladder, presumably in an attempt to get his tesicles to drop, I was not impressed Mr Skinthorpe.

Nigel: Unfortunately not, Mr Gorrindge and whilst a world with two Europes and no Australlia may have certain cultural advantages, I'm afraid it doesn't quite fall in with the theory of continental drift.

Patrick: Well I can't say with any certainty, Mr Skinthorpe, whether it was Rick or Dave. Although he very sensibly had a ring fitted through his nose like a cow, I'm afraid the name tag seemed to have fallen off. Really? Well how fine and dandy for him.

Nigel: Well it depends what you mean by "very noticeable" Mr Gorrindge. Had my brother been horribly blinded by some hideous accident then all our troubles would be over.

Patrick: Well please offer him my profound congratualtions, Mr Skinthorpe, and tell him to get his arse round here now and finish the job.

Nigel: I shall expect a proper replacement in 24 hrs or heads and hemisperes will roll.

The Beast in the Cage

[The Honda Song, to the tune of Bread Of Heaven]

There's a bloke we can't stand any longer,

Always on the bleeding moan;

Every time we mend his bloody Honda,

He's back grousing on the phone.

First we fixed his car's ignition,

Checked his breaks and clutch, and then

Overhauled his whole transmission.

He just brought it back again.

Victor Meldrew

Victor Meldrew

He can stick up his bum (up his bum)

He can bugger off to kingdom come.