Osmosis Jones

From Wikiquote
Jump to: navigation, search

Osmosis Jones (2001) is a part animated, part live action film whose title character is Osmosis Jones, a white blood cell who takes on a deadly virus.

Directed by Bobby Farrelly and Peter Farrelly. Written by Marc Hyman.
He's one cell of a guy.

Osmosis Jones[edit]

  • Yo, you see this badge? You see this gun? You see this gooey white sackus membranous 'round my personhood? Well, you dealin' with a white blood cell here! I should be out in the veins, fightin' disease, not in the mouth on tartar control.
  • Osmosis Jones to dispatch. We got multiple germs - I repeat, multiple germs - comin' down the windpipe, and if these bad boys hit the blood stream, we're gonna be illin'. I'm talkin' nose-drippin', chicken soup-drinkin', rectal thermometer-stickin' illin'!
  • [The Chief asks Jones where he was in their conversation] You were just starting to say how you were giving me ...a promotion to Head of Brain Security, I believe. Yep.
  • [Thrax demands to know who the undercover Jones really is] Who am I? WHO AM I?! A "Bad Booty-Shaken Pickanosis", yeah, that's who I am.
  • [Drix shoves his gun arm into the flu shot's mouth and Osmosis gets an idea] Uh-oh, you done done it now, Chill. This guy's a psycho cop. You had your chance to spill it, but it's too late. This guy just got off the thorazine, and now he's Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs! He's going El Pollo Loco on your crazy behind!
  • I know sugar pills who cured cancer, because they believed.
  • [After Jones gets punched in the face] Why did you hit so hard?
  • [To Thrax when his claw gets stuck in Shane's false eyebrow] She ain't going down! You are!

Drixenol[edit]

  • Funny. He dosn't look fluish.
  • [first line] Special Agent Drixo-Benzo-Medapedramine. [changes tone of voice to more commercial-friendly] Drixenol! The brand that eases your coughs and sneezes!

Thrax[edit]

  • [first line] Careful, I'm contagious.
  • Think I'll turn up the heat in here!
  • Ebola? Let me tell you something about Ebola, baby. Ebola is a case of DANDRUFF compared to me!
  • Hit all the pressure valves. They're about to blow the scene.
  • You see this? This little DNA bead comes from a little girl in Riverside, California... didn't like to wash her hands. Took me three whole weeks. And this one: nice woman in Detroit, Motown. Six days flat. Then there's this old man in Philly. I killed him in 72 hours. Yeah, I'm getting better as I go along, baby, but the problem is I never set a record! Until my man Frank, that is. I'm gonna take him down in 48 hours! Get my own chapter in the medical books!
  • Well, what do we have here? An officer of Frank's finest. Somebody lay down a towel! [points his heat-glowing claw at Jones' face] This is gonna be messy...
  • [after killing two other germs] Medical books aren't written about losers!
  • [after seeing Frank's bad dreams] This cat was sick before I even got here!
  • You know what, Jones? You want this chain so bad? Big Daddy Thrax is going to let you have it! [begins choking Osmosis with the chain] Looks good on you Jones! You wear it well! It's a shame you came all this way just to die!
  • Can you feel the heat, Jones? [chuckles evilly] Too bad you won't be here to see me break my record when I take down Frank's pretty little girl...

Frank Detorre[edit]

  • Honey, the reason that monkeys eat so many fruits and vegetables is because they're not smart enough to butcher a cow. Your mother - God bless her soul - she didn't believe the old-fashioned ideas about nursing and breast-feeding and all that. Uh-uh, you were fed cheeseburgers as a baby, and look at you - you're as big as a house, you're as strong as a bull, you smell like a cow. Your cholesterol's probably a little high, but they have medicine for that now. You can get an angioplasty, get it all cleared out.
  • [sees monkeys scratching their behinds] Oh, come on, hey, hey, hey! Show some class will ya? We got mixed company down here. [scratches his own behind]
  • Is beer fluid?
  • [after almost dying, but returning to life; to Shane] Mom says "hi".

Mrs. Boyd[edit]

  • [To Frank] What a zit! I mean, what is it? What do you want?

[After laughing hysterically]: 'Oh, my God, I got the giggles.

You want me to call the cops? Or should Shane be remind of the two-hundred yard restraining order that is still in effect.

Dialogue[edit]

Osmosis Jones: Whoo, I'll not be the bad person.
Drix: You are a bad cop!
Osmosis Jones: Yo, who ya calling "bad cop"?!

Osmosis Jones: Goodbye, Drips.
Drix: That's Drix.
Osmosis Jones: Whatever.

Osmosis Jones: In the words of the immortal James Brown: GET DOWN!
Drix: James who?!

Osmosis Jones: Baby, when are you and me gonna hook up? I know this little spot right behind the eye, has the perfect view - perfect for a little rendezvous between me and you. You know what I'm sayin'? Do you know what I'm sayin'? 'Cause I been sayin' it a long time.
Leah: Jones, what in the world makes you think I would ever go out with you?
Osmosis Jones: Whatcha talkin' about? I'm a legend, girl! The chicks line up to divide with me.
Leah: Oh, really? 'Cause to me you look like the kind of cell who mostly divides with himself.
Osmosis Jones: Whoo, who cut off the heat? Somebody pay the bill! It's cold in here.

Leah: [on a recently ingested cold pill] Whoa, this is huge.
Osmosis Jones: Don't be all impressed, 'cause 99% of that is just sugar, ya know.
Leah: Yeah, and 99% of you is just stupid.
Osmosis Jones: Ooh, like I haven't heard that one before!

[Thrax confronts Scabies and his thugs in a sweat-gland spa]
Thrax: So, this is where the scum of Frank comes to fester.
Bruiser: Hey, you lost, pal? This is a private sweat-gland! Now beat it!
Thrax: I'm looking for volunteers, yo. Some nasty germs who want in on a big score.
Scabies: Yo, Red! We run the rackets around here. Take your hustle someplace else!
Thrax: Nah, this ain't about no hustle. This is about the baddest illness any of y'all have ever seen.
Scabies: Ooh! Look who thinks he is, the ebola virus, huh? [he and his thugs laugh]
Thrax: [angrily] ...Ebola? Let me tell you about ebola, baby: ebola is a case of DANDRUFF compared to me!
Scabies: All right, pal, you're outta here. Bruiser, take him to the face and bury him in a blackhead. When we're done, it'll take a Swedish facialist and six steaming washcloths to get you out!
Thrax: Hmm, sounds like a gas, baby. Bring it on.

Osmosis Jones: I bet Johnny Streptoccocus and the Melanoma family would be very interested to hear about your flu shot work.
Flu Shot: You can't jack me on that, brother! I'm in the Virus Protection Program.

Drix: My, what big zits he has. How does something like this happen?
Osmosis Jones: You wash your face with fried chicken, that's how.

Dispatcher: (over radio) Suspect is headed toward the uvula - repeat, headed toward the uvula.
Osmosis Jones: What the heck is a u-va-la?
Drix: It's that little dangly thing that hangs down in Frank's--
Osmosis Jones: (interrupting) Boxer shorts! Okay, here we go!
Drix: Not that little dangly thing! The one in his throat!
(pause)
Osmosis Jones: I knew that. I knew that.

External links[edit]

Wikipedia
Wikipedia has an article about: