Parenthood is a 1989 comedy-drama film directed by Ron Howard with an ensemble cast that includes Steve Martin, Dianne Wiest, Mary Steenburgen, Jason Robards, Rick Moranis, Tom Hulce, Martha Plimpton, Keanu Reeves, Harley Kozak, Eileen Ryan, Joaquin Phoenix (credited as Leaf Phoenix), and Dennis Dugan.
- [to Nathan] Keep Patty away from Larry. He'll suck the intelligence right out of her.
- They call me Cowboy Gil, as in guil-ty. I saw Cowboy Dan. I didn't like the look on his face. It was like this...[smiles goofily] ... so I killed him. I blew a hole in him this big. Actually it was about this big. You know, when I think about it, that hole was about THIS BIG! And his guts were spilled out all over the floor. As I was walkin' away, I slip around on his guts. A couple of other people came by and started slippin' on his guts too. After I blow a hole in somebody and slip around on their guts... afterwards, I always like to make balloon animals. That's mighty courteous of you. Here we go! [starts twisting balloons and then when he finishes, he holds up jumbled bunch of twisted balloons] Your lower intestines.
- My whole life is have to...
- That is one messed-up little dude.
- You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car - hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father.
- Nathan, we're trying so hard to keep these kids off of drugs.
- Open this door! Goddamnit! I was just like a little respect! Not alot, just a little! Do you know why I'm having sex with machinery? Because your father went to have a party and I stayed to raise two kids, and I HAVE NO LIFE!
- (Helen is trying to talk with Garry about his sex tapes) l assume you're watching these because you're curious about sex... you know. Or filmmaking.
- No, no, no, no. I'm too young to be a grandmother. Grandmothers are old. They bake, and they sew, and they tell you stories about the Depression. I was at Woodstock, for Christ's sake! I peed in a field! I hung on to The Who's helicopter as it flew away!
- I give them six months. Three, if she cooks.
- [on parenting] It's like your Aunt Edna's ass. It goes on forever and it's just as frightening.
- Frank: Gil, you have a good memory. Uh, was it yours or Helen's or Susan's wedding I got drunk at?
- Gil: It was all three, Dad. Congratulations.
- Frank: Well, which one did I punch the band leader?
- Gil: That was mine. We have photos. I'm having them blown up for the commitment hearings.
- [Susan laughs]
- Frank: Well, you think he's funny. Well, when he was a kid, he wasn't as funny. Stayed in his room all day. Boy, you were a moody little son of a bitch.
- Gil: [sarcastically] Gee, I wonder why.
- Taylor: Mommy what was that?
- Karen: That was an electrical ear cleaner.
- Taylor: It was kinda big.
- Grandma: It sure was.
- Julie: He said that he loved me.
- Helen: Men say that. They all say that. Then they cum.
- College Student #1: Someone's gone to the roof of the bell tower with a rifle!
- Dean at College: It's Kevin Buckman! His father totally screwed him up!
- College Student #2: What's he yelling?
- Kevin, Age 21: YOU MADE ME PLAY SECOND BASE!
- Gil: (Yelling through a megaphone) Son, I'm sorry. I did all the best I could. (Kevin shoots the megaphone from his hands) Nice shot son! (to the cops trying to take him away) It's important to be supportive. Come on lets sing one of the old tunes. "When you're sliding into home and your pants are full of foam, Diarrhea - "
- [after breaking the lock on Gary's bedroom door and searching it, Helen finds some sex tapes and plays one]
- Susan: Helen? Oh, the door was unlocked...[sees the sex action on the television]
- Grandma: What channel is this?
- Helen: No Gran, this is a tape.
- Grandma: [to Susan] She needs a man now!
- Helen: Gran, this isn't mine. I don't watch this!
- Grandma: [to Susan again as they are leaving the room and speaking of the sex action on the television] One of those men reminded me of your Grandpa. God bless him!
- Grandma: You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster.
- Gil: Oh?
- Grandma: Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride!
- Gil: What a great story.
- Grandma: I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.
- When you're sliding into first and you feel a little burst diarrhea!
- When you're sliding into third and you feel a squishy turd diarrhea!
- When you're sliding into home and your pants are full of foam diarrhea!
- When you're riding in your chevy and your shorts are feeling heavy diarrhea!
- Steve Martin - Gil Buckman
- Mary Steenburgen - Karen Buckman
- Dianne Wiest - Helen Buckman
- Jason Robards - Frank Buckman
- Rick Moranis - Nathan Huffner
- Tom Hulce - Larry Buckman
- Martha Plimpton - Julie Buckman
- Keanu Reeves - Tod Higgins
- Harley Jane Kozak - Susan Buckman (as Harley Kozak)
- Dennis Dugan - Dave Brodsky
- Joaquin Phoenix - Garry Buckman-Lampkin (as Leaf Phoenix)
- Helen Shaw - Grandma