Police Academy

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Police Academy is a series of movies and television series about a screwball police squad.

Individual quotes[edit]

Carey Mahoney[edit]

  • Thank you sir. I make everybody sick. - Police Academy
  • I'm on a diet. - Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment
  • It depends. Sir? I hope this isn't going to be too personal? I heard what you said about my little butt and I don't know how to break this to you, sir, but I'm straight
  • Never fool with a fuzz ball.
  • Did anyone tell you what a great tailor you have, Sir?
  • It fits. The damned thing fits, and I thought there were no more spaces. Am I an idiot or what?
  • You have the right to remain silent. The right to a court-appointed attorney. You have the right to sing the blues. You have the right to cable TV. You have the right to sublet. You have the right to paint the walls. No loud colors. - Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment

Captain Harris[edit]

  • My name is Lieutenant Harris! In case you missed it. This is Sergeant Callahan! In case you missed it. We are the meanest instructors here. We’ve got you because you are the worst people here. You are D Squad; D for dirtbags. When I say: Hey dirtbags! that means you. You people are going to hate my guts for the rest of your lives. I am going to make you sorry that you ever came here.
  • Citizens On Patrol. What a joke. You know what C.O.P. really stands for, Proctor? - Police Academy 4: Citizens On Patrol
  • Hey! Why didn't you guys call me this weekend?
  • Move out, maggots!
  • Not funny, you idiot! - Police Academy 4: Citizens On Patrol
  • This is not a spawning pool! - Police Academy 4: Citizes On Patrol
  • I said I have to wait for the damn glue to wear off! - Police Academy 4: Citizes On Patrol
  • Not exactly a four star hotel, is it? - Police Academy: Mission To Moscow
  • Don't touch those! Don't you ever touch my balls without asking! - Police Academy 4: Citizens On Patrol
  • What in the hell are you doing!?! - Police Academy
  • It was your government that brought us here!
  • You'll never get away with this, you two-bit scum!
  • Please don't let me! I'm so young, I'm so young! Please, God! Oh, I'll help the homeless, I'll feed the poor! I'll be so good! I mean it! I really, really mean it! - Police Academy 6: City Under Siege

Eugene Tackleberry[edit]

  • Excuse me sir, this is a non-smoking area. I'm gonna' have to ask you to extinguish that cigar. - Police Academy 3: Back in Training
  • Drop that stereo before I blow your goddamn nuts off, asshole. - Police Academy
  • You want to become one with the gun. Feel the gun, caress the gun until it's a living, breathing, vibrating extension of yourself.
  • Come with me!
  • You'll put it out now mister!! - Police Academy 3: Back in Training

Mauser[edit]

  • Hey, wait a minute! My hands are stuck with my head! What the fuck? - Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment
  • Yo, sir... You must be from the south! That's "Yes, sir." You got foot patrol. - Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment
  • Mauser, sir. M as in man A-U, S as in Sam. - Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment

Moses Hightower[edit]

  • Yeah, you know, flowers and shit. - Police Academy
  • Yo, sir! - Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment
  • Yamma, yamma, yamma, yamma, yahhhhma. - Police Academy 4: Citizens On Patrol
  • FOOLS! To think they can kill the brother, of Badula!
  • If I could rip out the belly of a yak.
  • And that will bring him back?
  • NO Mon, I'm hungry!
  • We believe you guys, so we wont dispute you. But if you're lying to us, we'll come back and shoot you. Word. - Police Academy 6: City Under Siege
  • Fighting is one thing, but bad jokes is where I draw the line! - Police Academy 6: City Under Siege

Zed[edit]

  • Jean, Jean made a machine, and Joe, Joe made it go. Art, Art blew a fart and blew the whole damn thing apart.
  • I...I, use to be a real JERK! But now I'm a people guy.
  • Cadets, I'd now like to discuss something that'll be vital for you to know when you, like, out there, on the job, as a police officer. And, that's the correct way on how to eat a doughnut.
  • HE'S DEAD! He killed him! He killed Mickey!
  • DON'T MAKE ME FLARE MY NOSTRILS!
  • Has anybody got a little mousse - or maybe some hairspray!

Laverne Hooks[edit]

  • Asshole!!! - Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment
  • Oops, I've got the wrong keys. I'll be right back.
  • What about me, sir? Don't I get a car?
  • Don't move, dirt bag! - Police Academy 1-3

Larvell Jones[edit]

  • Good evening, gentlemen. I just came by to see that you were comfortable. Now, as we vampires say, "lights out, suckers!" - Police Academy 4: Citizens On Patrol
  • Where are we, man?
  • Must be the drugs

Dialogue[edit]

Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach[edit]

[On the beach, Sgt. Nick Lassard retrieves and throws a frisbee, and just happens to be standing over Capt. Harris and Lt. Proctor.]
Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Some dickhead is standing in my sun!
Sgt. Nick Lassard: Oh, Captain Harris! Hey, I didn't see you there. You know, I don't think we've been introduced. My name is Nick...
Capt. Thaddeus Harris: I don't care who you are, buttwipe. Just get out of my sun!
Sgt. Nick Lassard: Buttwipe?
Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Scram, sleazeball!
Sgt. Nick Lassard: Okay, fine.
[Nick leaves]
Sgt. Nick Lassard: Buttwipe, huh? Haven't heard that in a while...
Lt. Proctor: That was great, Sir!
Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Proctor?
Lt. Proctor: Yes, Sir?
Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Now you're in my sun.