Portal 2 is the sequel to the first-person puzzle game Portal. It was released for all high-definition platforms on April 19, 2011. The game, set an indeterminate time after the first game, extends the "portal" mechanic from the first game and introduces new characters – Wheatley, one of GLaDOS's personality cores, and Cave Johnson, the past CEO of Aperture Science – and three new gels that facilitate high jumps, speed, and portal creation.
- This next test applies the principles of momentum to movement through portals. If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future … God help you.
- Great work! Because this message is prerecorded, any observations related to your performance are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
- Do you know the biggest lesson I learned from what you did? I discovered I have a sort of black-box quick-save feature. In the event of a catastrophic failure, the last two minutes of my life are preserved for analysis. I was able – well, forced, really – to relive you killing me. Again and again. Forever. You know, if you had done that to someone else, they might dedicate their existence to exacting … revenge.
- This next test involves the Aperture Science Aerial Faith Plate. It was part of an initiative to investigate how well test subjects could solve problems when they were catapulted into space. Results were highly informative: They could not. Good luck!
- Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud noises-[train horn] I'm sorry, I don't know why that went off. Anyway, just an interesting science fact.
- Well done. Here come the test results: "You are a horrible person." That's what it says: a horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
- Don't let that "horrible person" thing discourage you. It's just a data point. If it makes you feel any better, science has now validated your birth mother's decision to abandon you on a doorstep.
- These bridges are made from natural light that I pump in from the surface. If you rubbed your cheek on one, it would be like standing outside with the sun shining on your face. It would also set your hair on fire, so don't actually do it.
- Most people emerge from suspension terribly undernourished. I want to congratulate you on beating the odds and somehow managing to pack on a few pounds.
- This next test involves turrets. You remember them, right? They're the pale spherical things that are full of bullets. Oh, wait, that's you in five seconds. Good luck.
- That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid. That's not me talking, it's right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks "stupid". Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably – Oh, wait. It's a she. Still, what does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a medical degree. In fashion! From France!
- [After tricking Chell into trying to open a fake "GLaDOS Emergency Shutdown" door] I honestly, truly didn't think you'd fall for that. In fact, I devised a much more elaborate trap further ahead for when you got through this easy one. If I'd known you'd let yourself get captured this easily, I would have just dangled a turkey leg from a rope on the ceiling.
- I hope you brought something stronger than a portal gun this time. Otherwise, I'm afraid you're about to become the immediate past president of the Being Alive Club. Ha ha.
- [To Wheatley] You're not just a regular moron. You were designed to be a moron.
- [Chell and PotatOS are falling down a long shaft] Oh, hi. So, how are you holding up? BECAUSE I'M A POTATO.
Oh, good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that. Since it doesn't look like we're going anywhere … well, we are going somewhere. Alarmingly fast, actually. But since we're not busy other than that, here's a couple of facts. He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived. And you just put him in charge of the entire facility.
[slow clap again]
Good, that's still working.
- [Chell and PotatOS are still falling] Just in case this shaft isn't actually bottomless, would you mind unstrapping one of those long fall boots and putting me into it? Just remember to land on one foot.
- [GLaDOS sees the bird that abducted her away earlier] Ah! Bird! Bird! Kill it! It's evil! [Chell scares it off.] It flew off. Good. For him. Back to thinking.
- [after defeating Wheatley and pulling Chell back from the portal on the Moon] Oh, thank God you're all right. You know, being Caroline taught me a valuable lesson. I thought you were my greatest enemy, but all along you were my best friend. The surge of emotion that shot through me when I saved your life taught me an even more valuable lesson: where Caroline lives in my brain. [Announcer: "Caroline deleted."] Goodbye, Caroline. You know, deleting Caroline just now taught me a valuable lesson. The best solution to a problem is usually the easiest one. And I'll be honest - killing you is hard. You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me, or put me in a potato, or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life. And then you showed up. You dangerous, mute lunatic. So you know what? You win. Just go. [chuckles] It's been fun. Don't come back.
- Most test subjects do experience some, uh, cognitive deterioration after a few months in suspension. Now, you've been under for … quite a bit longer, and it's not out of the question that you might have a very minor case of serious brain damage. But don't be alarmed, all right? Although, if you do feel alarm, try to hold onto that feeling, because that is the proper reaction to being told you have brain damage.
- All right, preparing to interface with the neurotoxin central control circuit: begin! [affects on a different British accent] Hello Guv'. Neurotoxin inspector, need to shut this place down for a moment. Here's my credentials; shut yourself down. I am totally legit, from the board of international neurotoxin, uh, observers, from the United Arab Emirates.
- Well, no matter. Because I'm still holding all the cards, and guess what: they're all full houses! Never played cards; meaning to learn. [Wheatley opens a room with turrets and an Excursion Funnel] Anyway, new turrets. Not defective. Ace of fours: the best hand. Unbeatable … I imagine. [Chell dispatches of the turrets with the Excursion Funnel and jumps into it] Oh, I see, clever. Very clever … and foolish! [opens panel to reveal spinning blades at the end of the Funnel] Spinny blade wall! Machiavellian! [Chell jumps out of the Funnel, and runs into another room with another Excursion Funnel] Well, good, good. Finally, a nemesis worthy of my vast intellect. [Chell jumps into the Funnel] Holmes versus Moriarty … Aristotle versus mashy spike plate! [smashes a spike plate into the wall] Stay still, please!
- [when Chell arrives at the main control room] Well, well, well. Welcome … [changes to deep voice] to my lair! [changes to his normal voice] Let me just flag something up: according to the control panel light up there, the entire building's gonna self-destruct in about six minutes. I'm pretty sure it's a problem with the light. I think the light's on the blink, but just in case it isn't, I am actually going to have to kill you, as discussed earlier. So let's call that three minutes, and then a minute break, where we should leave a leisurely two minutes to figure out how to shut down whatever's starting all these fires. So that's the itinerary. Also, I took the liberty of watching the tapes of you killing her, and I'm not going to make the same mistakes. Four part plan is this: One, no portal surfaces; two, start the neurotoxin immediately; three, bomb-proof shields for me; leading directly into number four: bombs for throwing at you. You know what, this plan is so good, I'm going to give you a sporting chance and turn off the neurotoxin. I'm joking of course. Goodbye.
- [during his final battle with Chell] Am I being too vague?! I. Despise. You! I loathe you! You arrogant, smugly quiet, awful, jumpsuited monster of a woman! You and your little potato friend! This place would have been a triumph if it wasn't for you!
- [as Chell tries to press the Stalemate Resolution button, two panels drop to reveal bombs, which explode; Chell is knocked across the room] Part five: booby-trap the stalemate button! [Chell gets up and grabs the portal gun] What, are you still alive?! You are joking! You have got to be kidding me! Well, I'm still in control, and I have no idea how to fix this place! Oh, you had to play bloody cat-and-mouse, didn't you?! While people were trying to work! Yeah, well, now all of us are going to pay the price, 'cause we're all gonna bloody die! Oh, brilliant, yeah, take one last look at your precious human moon, because it cannot help you now!
- Those of you helping us test the Repulsion Gel today, just follow the blue line on the floor. Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news. Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts.
- Oh, in case you get covered in that Repulsion Gel, here's some advice the lab boys gave me: [sound of rustling pages] "Do not get covered in the Repulsion Gel." We haven't entirely nailed down what element it is yet, but I'll tell you this: It's a lively one, and it does not like the human skeleton.
- This next test may involve trace amounts of time travel. So, word of advice: If you meet yourself on the testing track, don't make eye contact. Lab boys tell me that'll wipe out time. Entirely. Forward and backward! So do both of yourselves a favor and just let that handsome devil go about his business.
- Science isn't about why, it's about why not. You ask: why is so much of our science dangerous? I say: why not marry safe science if you love it so much? In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you in the butt on the way out, because you are fired! No, not you, test subject, you're fine. Yes, you! Box your stuff, out the front door, parking lot, car, goodbye!
- All these Science Spheres are made of asbestos by the way, keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough, or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test, that's asbestos. Good news is the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of 44.6 years, so if you're thirty or older you're laughing. Worst case scenario you miss out on a few rounds of Canasta, plus you've forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face.
- Welcome to the Enrichment Center. [cough] Since making test participation mandatory for all employees, the quality of our test subjects has risen dramatically. Employee retention, however, has not. [cough] As a result, you may have heard we're gonna phase out human testing. There's still a few things left to wrap up, though. [cough] The bean counters told me we literally could not afford to buy seven dollars worth of moon rocks, much less seventy million. Bought 'em anyway. Ground 'em up, mixed em into a gel. And guess what? Ground up moon rocks are pure poison. I am deathly ill. Still, it turns out they're a great portal conductor. So now we're gonna see if jumping in and out of these new portals can you somehow leech the lunar poison out of a man's bloodstream. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. [cough] Let's all stay positive and do some science. That said, I would really appreciate it if you could test as fast as possible. Caroline, please bring me more pain pills.
- All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. [GLaDOS: "Yeah."] Make life take the lemons back! [GLaDOS: [animatedly] "Yeah!"] Get mad! [GLaDOS: [increasingly animatedly] "Yeah!"] I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! [GLaDOS: "Yeah, take the lemons!"] Demand to see life's manager! [GLaDOS: "Yeah!"] Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! [GLaDOS: "Oh, I like this guy."] I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down! [GLaDOS "Burn his house down! Burning people! He says what we're all thinking!"]
- The point is, if we can store music on a compact disc, why can't we store a man's intelligence and personality on one? I have the engineers figuring that out now. Brain mapping, artificial intelligence, we should've been working on it thirty years ago. I will say this, and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day. If I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place. Now she'll argue. She'll say she can't. She's modest like that. But you make her. Hell, put her in my computer, I don't care. All right. You, test subject - test's over. You can head on back to your desk.
- I don't want to scare you, but, I'm an Adventure Sphere. Designed for danger. So, why don't you go ahead and have yourself a little lady break, and I'll just take it from here.
- Here, stand behind me. Yeah, just like that. Just like you're doing. Things are about to get real messy.
- Going for it yourself, huh? All right, angel. I'll do what I can to cover you. Doesn't bother me. I gotta say, the view's mighty nice from right here.
- Did you hear that? I think something just exploded. Man, we are in a lot of danger. This is like Christmas. No, it's better than Christmas. This should be its own holiday. Explosion Day! Happy Explosion Day, gorgeous.
- I'll tell ya, it's times like this I wish I had a waist so I could wear all my black belts. Yeah, I'm a black belt. In pretty much everything. Karate. Larate. Jujitsu. Kick punching. Belt making. Taekwondo… Bedroom.
- The square root of rope is string.
- Cellular phones will not give you cancer. Only hepatitis.
- Pants were invented by sailors in the 16th century to avoid Poseidon's wrath. It was believed that the sight of naked sailors angered the sea god.
- 89% of magic tricks are not magic. Technically, they are sorcery.
- In Greek myth, the craftsman Daedalus invented human flight so a group of minotaurs would stop teasing him about it.
- Humans can survive underwater. But not for very long.
- The Schrödinger's Cat paradox outlines a situation in which a cat must be considered, for all intents and purposes, simultaneously alive and dead. Schrödinger created this paradox as a justification for killing cats.
- If you have trouble with simple counting, use the following mnemonic device: one comes before two comes before 60 comes after 12 comes before six trillion comes after 504. This will make your earlier counting difficulties seem like no big deal.
- Marie Curie invented the theory of radioactivity, the treatment of radioactivity, and dying of radioactivity.
- At the end of The Seagull by Anton Chekhov, Konstantin kills himself.
- Contrary to popular belief, the Eskimo does not have 100 different words for "snow". They do, however, have 234 words for "fudge".
- In Victorian England, a commoner was not allowed to look directly at the Queen, due to a belief at the time that the poor had the ability to steal thoughts. Science now believes that less than 4% of poor people are able to do this.
- Avocados have the highest fiber and calories of any fruit. They are found in Australians.
- In 1862, Abraham Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation, freeing the slaves. Like everything he did, Lincoln freed the slaves while sleepwalking, and later had no memory of the event.
- William Shakespeare did not exist. His plays were masterminded in 1589 by Francis Bacon, who used a Ouija board to enslave play-writing ghosts.
- It is incorrectly noted that Thomas Edison invented 'push-ups' in 1878. Nikolai Tesla had in fact patented the activity three years earlier, under the name 'Tesla-cize'.
- In 1948, at the request of a dying boy, baseball legend Babe Ruth ate seventy-five hot dogs, then died of hot dog poisoning.
- Edmund Hillary, the first person to climb Mount Everest, did so accidentally while chasing a bird.
- The first commercial airline flight took to the air in 1914. Everyone involved screamed the entire way.
- In Greek myth, Prometheus stole fire from the gods and gave it to humankind. The jewelry he kept for himself.
- The first person to prove that cow's milk is drinkable was very, very thirsty.
- Before the Wright Brothers invented the airplane, anyone wanting to fly anywhere was required to eat 200 pounds of helium.
- During the Great Depression, the Tennessee Valley Authority outlawed pet rabbits, forcing many to hot glue-gun long ears onto their pet mice.
- At some point in their lives, 1 in 6 children will be abducted by the Dutch.
- According to most advanced algorithms, the world's best name is Craig.
- To make a photocopier, simply copy a mirror.
- Dreams are the subconscious mind's way of reminding people to go to school naked and have their teeth fall out.
- I'm in space.
- Space. Space. Wanna go to space.
- Ooh, ooh! What's your favourite thing about space? [whispering] Mine is space!
- Better buy a telescope. Wanna see me? Buy a telescope. Gonna be in space.
- Atmosphere. Black holes. Astronauts. Nebulas. Jupiter. The Big Dipper. THE BIG DIPPER!
- Oh. Play it cool. Play it cool. Here come the space cops.
- Help me, space cops. Space cops, help.
- Space. Trial. Puttin' the system on trial. In space. Space system. On trial. Guilty! Of being in space! Going to space jail!
- Space court. For people in space. Judge Space Sun presiding. Bam. Guilty. Of being in space. I'm in space.
- [As Wheatley is pulled through the portal on the Moon] Space? Space! [Breaks loose from Wheatley and shoots off into space] SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!!!
- It's too big. Too big. Wannna go home. Wanna go to Earth.
- GLaDOS: Oh—it's you.
- Wheatley: [shocked, to Chell] You know her?!
- GLaDOS: It's been a long time. How have you been? I've been really busy being dead. You know, after you murdered me.
- Wheatley: You did what?!
- [GLaDOS grabs Chell and Wheatley with mechanical claws.]
- Wheatley: [panicking] Oh no! No no no no! Oh, no, no, no! No! [squeezed by the claw] Gah!
- GLaDOS: Okay. Look. We both said a lot of things that you're going to regret. [squeezes Wheatley and tosses him away] But I think we can put our differences behind us. For science. You monster.
- Wheatley: [in an exaggerated Texan drawl] Hey, buddy! I'm speakin' in an accent that is beyond her range of hearing. I know I'm early, but we have to go right now! Walk casually toward my position, and we'll go shut her down!
- GLaDOS: Look, metal ball, I can hear you.
- Wheatley: [normal voice] Run! I don't need to do the voice. Run!
- Wheatley: [now plugged into the mainframe, spins around] Wowwwwww! Check me out, partner! We did it! I'm in control of the whole facility now! Whoa-ho-ho! Would you look at this? Not too bad, eh? Giant robot, massive! It's not just me, right? I am bloody massive, aren't I? Oh, right, the escape lift, I'll call it now. [the lift raises] There we go. Lift called. Look how small you are down there! I can barely see you - very tiny and insignificant... [Chell enters the lift] I knew it was gonna be cool to be in charge of everything, but...wow, this is cool! And check this out - I'm a bloody genius now! Estás usando este software de traducción de forma incorrecta! Por favor consulta el manual! [Translation: You are using this translation software incorrectly! Please consult the manual!] I don't even know what I just said, but I can find out! Oh, sorry, the lift. Sorry. I keep forgetting. This body is amazing! I can't get over how small you are...but I'm huge! [starts laughing...then starts maniacally laughing before it trails off] Actually...why do we have to leave right now? Do you have any idea how good this feels? I did this! Tiny little Wheatley did this!
- GLaDOS: You didn't do anything. She did all the work!
- Wheatley: Oh, really? That's what the two of you think, is it? Well, maybe it's time I did something then! [the core transfer arms raise to grab GLaDOS' core]
- GLaDOS: What are you doing? No! NO! NO!!! [GLaDOS' core is pulled into the opening beneath the mainframe]
- Wheatley: [to Chell] And don't think I'm not onto you too, lady. You know what you are? Selfish. I've done nothing but sacrifice to get us here, and what have you sacrificed? Nothing. Zero. All you've done is boss me around. Well, now who's the boss? Who's the boss? It's me! [ding] Ah... [manipulator claw lifts up a potato with GLaDOS' eye in it] See that? That is a potato battery. It's a toy for children. And now, she lives in it! [laughs]
- GLaDOS: I know you...
- Wheatley: [glares at GLaDOS] Sorry...what?
- GLaDOS: The engineers tried everything to make me...behave. To slow me down. Once, they even attached an Intelligence Dampening Sphere on me. It clung to my brain like a tumor, generating an endless stream of terrible ideas.
- Wheatley: No! Not listening! Not listening!
- GLaDOS: It was your voice.
- Wheatley: No! No! You're lying, you're lying!
- GLaDOS: Yes. You're the tumor. You're not just a regular moron. You were designed to be a moron.
- Wheatley: [loses his temper, smashes the lift] I am NOT! A! MORON!
- GLaDOS: Yes, you are! You're the moron they designed to make me an idiot!
- Wheatley: Well, how about now?! [smashes GLaDOS' potato battery into the lift] Now who's a moron?! Could a moron PUNCH! YOU! INTO! THIS! PIT?! [smashing the lift down with each word] HUH?! COULD A MORON DO THAT?! [the lift creaks...] Uh-oh. [the lift's floor gives way]
[Chell is inside old Aperture Science, with GLaDOS' potato battery (PotatOS) mounted on her portal gun.]
- Cave Johnson: [prerecorded message] The testing area is just ahead. The quicker you get through, the quicker you'll get your sixty bucks.
- GLaDOS: Hold on, who --
- Cave Johnson: [aside] Caroline, are the compensation vouchers ready?
- GLaDOS, Caroline: [simultaneously] Yes sir, Mister Johnson.
- GLaDOS: [sounding panicked] Why did I just -- who is that? What the HELL is going on he -- [static]
- GLaDOS: Hey, moron!
- Wheatley: Oh, hello!
- GLaDOS: All right, paradox time. This - sentence - is - false! [The FrankenTurrets start to short-circuit.] Don't-think-about-it-don't-think-about-it…
- Wheatley: Uh...true. I'll go "true". Huh, that was easy. I'll be honest, I might have heard that one before, though; sort of cheating.
- GLaDOS: [exasperatedly] It's a paradox! There is no answer! Look! This place is going to blow up if I don't get back in my body!
- Wheatley: Ah...false. I'll go "false".
- Wheatley: All right, so the last test was seriously disappointing. Apparently, being civil isn't motivating you. So let's try things her way, all right? Fatty. Adopted fatty. Fatty-fatty no-parents.
- GLaDOS: And...?
- Wheatley: What?
- GLaDOS: What, exactly, is wrong with being adopted?
- Wheatley: What's wrong with being adopted? Um, well. Um, lack of parents, for one.
- GLaDOS: [quietly to Chell] For the record, you are adopted, and that's terrible. But just work with me here.
- Wheatley: ...and also, nothing, but... well, some of my best friends actually are orphans.
- GLaDOS: Also, look at her, you moron. She's not fat.
- Wheatley: [angry] I AM NOT A MORON! Just do the test!
- GLaDOS: [upon hearing Bach playing] Oh, now he's playing classical music.
- Wheatley: [sound of pages turning] Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. Hope that didn't disturb you too much there. It was the sound of books. Pages being turned. So that's just what I was doing. Just reading, uh...books. So, not a moron! Anyway, just finished the last one. The hardest one. Machiavelli. Do not know what all the fuss was about. Understood it perfectly. Have you read that one?
- GLaDOS: Yes.
- Wheatley: Yeah, doubt it. Well, on with the test. Wish there was more books! But there's not.
- Wheatley: You two are going to love this big surprise. In fact, you might say that you're both going to love it...to death. Love it until it kill—until you're dead. [chuckles] All right? I don't know whether you're picking up on what I'm saying here, but...
- GLaDOS: [interrupting] Yes, thanks. We get it. [Chell and GLaDOS enter an elevator] All right, he's not even trying to be subtle any more. Or maybe he still is, in which case: wow, that's kind of sad. [...] Either way, I'm getting the feeling he's trying to kill us.
- Wheatley: I'll bet you're both dying to know what your big surprise is. Only two more chambers!
- GLaDOS: We're running out of time. I think I can break us out of here in the next chamber. Just play along.
- [Chell runs into an Aerial Faith Plate—and is unexpectedly launched sideways onto another Plate and finally into a Excursion Funnel]
- Wheatley: Surprise! We're doing it now!
- GLaDOS: Okay, credit where it's due: for a little idiot built specifically to come up with stupid, unworkable plans - that was a pretty well laid trap.
- Wheatley: You've probably figured it out by now, but I don't need you anymore. I found two little robots back here! Built specifically for testin'!
- GLaDOS: [now a little panicked] Oh, no. He found the Co-operative Testing Initiative. It's...something I came up with to phase out human testing just before you escaped. It wasn't anything personal. Just...you know, you did kill me. Fair's fair.
- [A plate launches Chell onto a platform surrounded by spike plates]
- GLaDOS: Ah! Well, this is the part where he kills us.
- Wheatley: Hello! This is the part where I kill you!
- [The chapter title fades in: "Chapter 9: The Part Where He Kills You". An achievement with the title "The Part Where He Kills You" is unlocked at the same time, with the description "This is that part".]
[Chell has opened a portal on the Moon, and is hanging on to Wheatley - still connected to the mainframe.]
- Wheatley: Ahhh! Space! Let go! We're in space!
- Space Core: [excitedly as it dislodges from the mainframe and bounces off Wheatley] Space! Space! Spaaaaaaaaaace!
- Wheatley: Let go! Let go! I'm still connected! I can pull myself in! I can still fix this!
- GLaDOS: I already fixed it! [reaching out with a mechanical claw] And you are not coming back!
- Wheatley: Oh no. Change of plans! Hold onto me! Tighter! [GLaDOS slaps Wheatley aside with the claw, knocking him into outer space] AHHH! Grab me, grab me, grab me, GRAB ME!!!!
[Wheatley and the Space Core are floating around in outer space.]
- Space Core: So much space! Need to see it all! [excited gasps]
- Wheatley: I wish I could take it all back. I honestly do. I honestly do wish I could take it all back. And not just because I'm stranded in space.
- Space Core: I'm in space!
- Wheatley: I know you are, mate! Yep. We're both in space.
- Space Core: Spaaaaaaaaace!
- Wheatley: Anyway. You know, if I was ever to see her again, you know what I'd say?
- Space Core: I'm in space!
- Wheatley: I'd say...I'm sorry. Sincerely. I am sorry I was bossy, and monstrous, and...I am genuinely sorry.
- Space Core: I'm in space!
- Wheatley: The end.
- The Official Portal 2 Site