Questionable Content
From Wikiquote
Questionable Content is a comedic slice-of-life webcomic written and drawn by Jeph Jacques.
Number 1-99 [edit]
- Pintsize: Hook me up to the monitor. I'll download you some nice, cheerful porn.
- Marten: A lesser man, a man weaker than I, might interject with a lewd or suggestive comment at this juncture.
- Marten: The only way to deal with computer salespeople is with an overwhelming preemptive strike.
- Pintsize: My first commandment is: "Thou shalt not beget electromagnetism in the presence of your Lord".
- Faye: I have attained girlvana!
Number 100-199 [edit]
- Faye: A girl has to protect her assets. Also her breastets.
- Faye: Actually, it is a credit to your character that you would ply me with drink not to try and get some action, but to hear me say funny words and southern slang.
- Pintsize: He doesn't have to wake up, you know. I have a laser, and we have a garbage disposal.
- Amanda: That was the day I learned there's no way you can remove your head from another girl's crotch in a nonchalant manner.
- Faye: If a lady's junk is quiverin', her man must be deliverin'!
Number 200-299 [edit]
- Steve: Now, is a Smarmadon a type of Smarmosaur, or is it the other way around?
- Marten: I feel sexy now. All makin' ladies' panties wet from 100 yards away - a Sex Jedi!
- Dora: Our culture doesn't get smarter, it just finds new ways of being retarded.
- Faye: Yes! Rampaging bears are the answer to all of our cultural missteps!
- Ellen: I should just date a shower massage. They don't care about age.
- Pintsize: When talking about the human experience, it all comes around to poopin' eventually.
- Pintsize: The quakers were masters of siege warfare.
Number 300-399 [edit]
- Pintsize: Curses! I am powerless against the might of duct tape!
- Faye: When you became my friend you were automatically enrolled in the Menstrual Discussion Plan. For an additional $15.99 per month you can upgrade to the Digestive Issues Bulletin Package.
- Ellen: You know, employing the Socratic Method in the bedroom could be pretty interesting.
- Faye: Your honesty is the knife twisting in the wound that is my conscience. Also, that was the most emo thing I have ever said. Please just shoot me now before I metaphor again.
- Pintsize: It was like being hit by a freight train carrying eighty tons of SEX!
Number 400-499 [edit]
- Faye: I shop like Puritans have sex - in and out in three minutes, and only for the procreation of children.
- Pintsize: Spontaneous kindness is to hipsters highbeams are to deer.
- Marten: Funny, I thought you advocated the murder of your patrons.
- Raven: Me? Sarcastic? Of course not, I'm far too ditzy to grasp the subtleties of mockery.
- Raven: You know, I never really got that phrase. All life isn't suffering. Sometimes there are parties and makeouts! And marijuana!
- Faye: The quickest way to a man's heart really is through his stomach, because then you don't have to chop through that pesky rib cage.
- Pintsize: What's this about squirrels and acid? Let me tell you, dissolving a squirrel is a lot more work than you think.
Number 500-599 [edit]
- Hannelore: Okay Hannelore, moral debate time. Do we leave quietly and hope the shock erase his short-term memory of this evening, or do we call the hospital and hope Faye doesn't come home soon?
- Pintsize: I don't know who you are but I like your style.
Number 529: Technically She's Trespassing Now.
- Faye: Figures the first girl you bring home'd be a stalker.
- Raven: "Frame of mind"? What does that have to do with dating? Be like Toucan Sam! Follow your nose! Or, uh, your junk. Be a horny Toucan Sam!
- Raven: I'm a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in an AWESOME rack.
- Dora: Cashmere is comfy, but it just can't compare with steaming human entrails.
- Raven: I like how Axe body spray smells, but it doesn't make me want to hump inanimate objects like in the commercials. Which is sort of disappointing.
Number 600-699 [edit]
- Dora: Threesomes are a lot like Communism - they're a great idea on paper but in reality they rarely work well.
- Marten: I think I exude a pheromone that causes existential conflict in ladies. I'm like some sort of rare Uncertainty Moth.
- Dora: They should give RealDolls the ability to press charges. Although I guess that'd remove one of their major selling points.
- Pintsize: If a guitar is a phallic symbol and keyboards are female, does that mean keytars are hermaphrodites? Hot.
- Faye: Is there a full moon tonight or something? There must be a reason every boy I know is acting RETARDED.
Number 700-799 [edit]
- Faye: Get used to it. Working at Coffee of Doom means subjecting yourself to a neverending parade of inventive nicknamery.
- Hannelore: Don't you try and out-creepy me, little man. My first words when I was a toddler were "thousand-yard stare".
- Penelope: He was pretty handsome for a religious leader. But then, it'd be hard NOT to look good in one of those awesome pope-hats.
- Marten: Actually, I was fired from the morgue for juggling heads. Specifically, for juggling heads badly and making a mess on the floor.
- Tai: I dunno, bachelor's degrees make pretty good placemats if you get 'em laminated.
Number 800-899 [edit]
- Faye: You think everybody secretly does porn.
- Dr. Corrine: "Just go out and bang some dude" is one of the phrases you will never hear a psychiatrist say. Other such phrases include "I think the heroin is doing you a lot of good," and "Jesus, no WONDER your mother never loved you."
- Faye: Screw the bar, let's get drunk and play with Hanners' suction cups!
- Dora: I will not tolerate mutiny! Not even if chocolate is involved!
- Tai: The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Especially if it's been soaked in cheap whiskey.
- Hannelore: Can I HANDLE it? I am a cleaning NINJA. I'll make that dirt my BITCH.
Number 900-999 [edit]
- Faye: If I became physically attracted to things that irked me, the world would burst into flame from the friction of my furious humping.
- Faye: Well that's just awful. I have just the thing to cheer you up, though - a 100% genuine unicorn hair, guaranteed to grant you eternal life. Only two thousand dollars!
- Marten: In Canada they have socialized asskicking. It's called "hockey."
Number 1000-1099 [edit]
- Hannelore: Oh! It was a pun! I'm sorry. Daddy didn't allow puns when I was growing up.
- Faye: My chest is not the Make-A-Wish Foundation!
- Steve: Holy shit. He's a serial killer. He has to be. NOBODY'S that perfect.
- Marten: I wonder what cymbal testers do for fun. Hihat scrimshaw? Novelty gong-craft? Or do they just go home, take twenty Advils, and listen to the soothing sounds of felt?
- Sven: I see flashing lights, dudes in hard hats waving flags, and about three miles of caution tape. There's a big sign that says "DETOUR - ANY OTHER FEMALE IN EXISTENCE."
- Faye: Are you always this smug after you ravish a lady?
Number 1100-1199 [edit]
- Hannelore: Man, good thing human females don't have venomous ovipositors, huh?
- Raven: I might not be the sharpest bulb in the box but I'm not THAT gullible.
- Hannelore: Really? So you're NOT all highly-trained actors being paid off by my parents to offer me the illusion of a normal social life?
- Hannelore: As far as pathogens go, friendship is pretty okay.
- Sven: "Roses are red,
- violets are blue,
- you're really hot,
- let's fuck."
- Number 1189: Lurid Verse
Number 1200-1299 [edit]
- Pintsize: Human cusswords focus on mating, excretion and genitalia. Robot cusswords focus on mashing on homerow. ASDF is a four-letter word.
- Tai: Th-that was probably just somebody's escaped tarantula. Right?
- Marten: Either way, next time I go down to the stacks I'm bringin' a flamethrower.
- Hannelore: You guys saw that too? Thank goodness. I thought I was hallucinating again.
- Number 1211: One Can Only Hope
- Sven: What am I supposed to say, "I'm sorry my friend is a creepy motherfucker, but will you please go out on a date with him anyway?"
- Pintsize: What do humans typically do when they find themselves leaking an unknown substance from one of their orifices?
- Faye: They...go to the doctor?
- Pintsize: NO, they go post pictures of it on the internet.
- Number 1254: Does This Look Infected?
- Sven: A good relationship is like fireworks: loud, explosive, and liable to maim you if you hold on too long.
Number 1300-1399 [edit]
- Tai: People in committed relationships emit a pheromone that makes them more attractive.
- Hannelore: Beethoven's Fifth reminds me of Canada. I don't know why. I've never been to Canada.
- Marten: There are other fish in the sea, and they're not all Asshole Cod.
- Sven: I'd self-immolate but I wouldn't want to inconvenience the neighbors.
Number 1400-1499 [edit]
- Faye: My right boob sags a little more than my left. I call it the Underachiever.
- Sven: My artistic integrity wears a gimp suit and lives in a box.
- Marten: Bartender, fetch us some frosty beers and fancy outfits!
- Faye: Aww, it's been FOREVER since I've had to punch you! What a delightful wave of nostalgia!
- Faye: I demand a tumbler full of gin and a fainting couch!
Number 1500-1699 [edit]
- Pintsize: Aw, man, now I want wang-limbs
- Marten: You have a black velvet painting of yourself in your bedroom?
- Steve: I had it hanging over my mantle for a while, but I found it works better for a POST-coital conversation piece.
- Number 1508: Please Say It Isn't True
- Dora: "Us?" No, no, no, I'm a small business owner. You're the underachieving peon.
- Dora: OH MY GOD YOU ARE GONNA BE SO HOT WHEN YOU GO GRAY
- Tai: Guys this started off as a fun little diversion but if I end up having to testify in court I'm gonna be SO PISSED.
- Marten: Dear universe: if this is really how you work, may I please have a 1952 Telecaster?
- Angus: I maybe a social leper, but at least my weirdo shut-in gamer roommate still likes me! HOORAY!
- Marigold You insensitive ASShole!
- Number 1560: Robot Art
- Faye: I have great tits coded right into my genes!
- Faye: You are a true friend, Flower Pits.
- Hannelore: I MUST ELIMINATE ALL WITNESSES OF MY CRIME.
- Dora: BAD Hanners! NO murdering friends! BAD!
- Number 1576: Last Possible Resort
- Pintsize: When the singularity hits I will BECOME PORN.
- Marten: "Sure, my lawn is made of solid gold, but my neighbor's AstroTurf looks so inviting."
- Faye: What's the point of havin' a rapier wit if I can't use it to stab people?
- Dora: If your pay was based on good PR your great-grandchildren would still be working off the debt.
- Pintsize: I'll suck your dick for a chimichanga!
- Dora: I swear, you two aren't underachievers so much as ANTIachievers.
- Faye: Tsk, it's always the uptight ones that end up total pokesluts.
- Hannelore: Baking is wonderful! It's like science for hungry people!
- Dora: You have the most AMAZING RACK in that dress. It is seriously incredible.
Number 1700-1899 [edit]
- Tai: I promise not to seduce your girlfriend if I get a cookie!
