Raising Hope

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Raising Hope (2010–2014) is an American TV show, airing on FOX, about a 23-year-old who must raise his infant daughter, conceived by a one-night stand, with the help of his nutty family after the baby's mother (who has killed multiple boyfriends) is given a death sentence and executed when the baby is only six months old.

Season 1[edit]

Pilot [1.01][edit]

Jimmy: Listen, I have a question about this food and it might be a stupid question, but I-I feel I should ask.
Sabrina: I'm sure it's not stupid.
Jimmy: Okay. Well, um, the book I have says I should feed her vegetables and I want to do that, but the only vegetable jars I found have pictures of either black babies or Asian babies on them, and I don't know if the pictures are random, you know, or if there's a reason Asian babies instead of white ones should eat these particular string beans?
Sabrina: That is a really good question. The colors of the babies on the jars don't matter, however it's really important that you do not feed her anything with a picture of a boy on it or else she will grow a penis. And a mustache.
Jimmy: I said it might be a stupid question.
Sabrina: Yeah you did. I just... really wasn't prepared for that.

Dana: Your girlfriend's pretty clever. For her last meal she asked for a McRib and a Shamrock Shake. That should buy her a few months. Those two are almost never available at the same limited time.

Dead Tooth [1.02][edit]

Jimmy: Hey, I thought I talked to you about this. You can't smoke around the baby.
Virginia: Jimmy, smoke rises. She's not gonna be tall enough to breath it for a long time.

[Burt has just placed Maw Maw in the smoking bubble he created.]
Virginia: The hell is that?
Burt: I can't get her to quit. She burns me every time I bring it up, so I built her a bubble.
[Maw Maw smacks him from inside the bubble.]
Burt: It's loosely based off the plans of cousin Mike had when he built in the walk in bong and technically as long as she stays in here, there's no smoke in the house. So you have to quit.
Virginia: No I don't. If she gets a bubble, I want a bubble.

Dream Hoarders [1.03][edit]

Burt: [about Maw Maw] Hey, have you seen this? As long as I have this song playing, she can't lose.
Virginia: I know. It's weird how music kicks in certain things in her brain, like the other day I found out "America the Beautiful" makes her poop faster.

Virginia: [Upon discovering Hope is trapped in the greenhouse] I'm freaking out a little bit here, Burt. I'm not doing well with this. Think of something. How are we gonna fix this? Think.
Burt: You know I can't think on demand like that.
Virginia: Think!
Burt: Stop saying think! Every time you say think all I can think is the word think-
Virginia: All right, all right!
Burt: -And it fills up my whole brain. Think, think, think. It keeps changing colors and sizes, I can't get past it!

Say Cheese [1.04][edit]

Sabrina: Jimmy, are you missing a clump of hair in this photo?
Virginia: Yes, he is. He ate it.
Sabrina: Excuse me?
Jimmy: Someone stressed me out so much that I started pulling out my hair and eating it as a nervous twitch.
Sabrina: You look awful. Why didn't you just shave your head?
Virginia: Oh god no. He's a birthmark on his head that looks like a big old...
Jimmy: Florida. Shaped like Florida... Florida with balls.

Sabrina: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it. Who plays the piano?
Jimmy: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody's nerves.

Happy Halloween [1.05][edit]

Policeman: What's going on?
Maw Maw: Mommy and I are doing a trick.
Virginia: The bitch who lives here wouldn't give us any candy. You're not really going to hassle us for pulling a prank on Halloween, are ya?
Policeman: I might seeing as how the pranksters are both adults, this is my house and I'm married to the bitch.

Burt: [explaining why he scares Jimmy just so he can get hugged] I'm sorry but when you turned thirteen you barely hugged me any more and then that damn high five came along. I had to do whatever I could to feel your chest against mine.

Maw Maw:[face is covered in chocolate from eating candy] Grampa did you bring any more candy?
Jimmy:[Holding Hope as she laughs at Maw Maw] Mom!
Virginia: Oh, my god. Burt, Maw Maw got into the candy.

Family Secrets [1.06][edit]

Jimmy: Did you guys lie to me?
Burt: She did - not me, I do not practice "deceitary."
Virginia: What about "I know what I'm doing - you won't get pregnant?"
Burt: I believed it at the time.
Jimmy: What did you lie to me about mom?
Virginia: It doesn't matter - they were dumb little nothings. Like when Rexie died, he didn't really go to hunt rabbits with Stone Cold Steve Austin's dogs. And the reason you shouldn't pick your butt is not because there's an eel living in there and he might bite your finger off, it's just because you shouldn't pick your butt.

Jimmy: Can we start saying 'execute' again? I thought 'put her down' would be nicer for the baby but it's still feeling like she died at the pound.
Burt: I thought 'barbecue' her was a smart way to live it up but no one wanted to try that.
Jimmy: "Hope, your mommy's not here because the governor had her barbecued." Ah, it is close. There's pros and cons.

The Sniffles [1.07][edit]

Burt: Slow down there Jimmy. Do you even know what the hell you are doing?
Virginia: Of course he knows what he's doing Burt. It's a computer, not a condom.

Blue Dots [1.08][edit]

Jimmy: You're sure you don't want to brush your hair?
Virginia: Oh right, 'cuz if I'm going to be picking up beer bottles and old rubbers, I really want to look my best.

Burt:[at the first neighbor's doorstep] Hi. Are you looking for someone to care for your lawn? Cause I'm not one of those mow and blow guys. Cause I will weed, prune, plant. I'm dependable and trustworthy. Here's my card.
[gives the neighbor his card.]
Burt: Also I'm a sexual offender.
[the neighbor tosses his card and closes the door. At the next neighbor's house]
Burt: Good News, I'm not a Jehovah's Witness. Bad News, I'm a sex offender.
[another neighbor closes her door. At another neighbor's house, Burt is seen though the top of the front door's small door.]
Burt: Hello, I'm your neighbor, Burt Chance. I just want to let you know there's a sexual predator living in the neighborhood. It's me!
[The neighbor closes the door. The scene changes to Burt at another neighbor's house giving back her staple gun.]
Burt: About 8 years ago, I borrowed your staple gun. Oh, also I'm a sexual predator.
[The woman tries to hit Burt with a staple gun and he runs. She tackles him to the ground and put staples on his back with a staple gun.]

Meet the Grandparents [1.09][edit]

Virginia: [to Jimmy] I'm allowed to criticize you. I made you. You're my mistake.

Sabrina: Worst Thanksgiving ever. We had this cheese sauce that irritated my Dad's IBS - he spent the whole afternoon in the bathroom but forced us to include him via video chat.
Jimmy: Yeah, well my baby was stolen - twice.
Sabrina: I can't beat that - let's drink!

Burt Rocks [1.10][edit]

Burt: If I go suck on stage I've got nobody to blame but myself.
Jimmy: I get that, I do, but you also spent 20 years being known as a yard and pool guy and I think I remember you saying you wanted to be known for something more. [Burt nods] You can do this Dad, I know you can and if you don't I'll still love you but you gotta try!
[Burt moves forward to hug Jimmy, Jimmy backs away and holds up a finger to signal Burt to stop]
Jimmy: Do not kiss me on the lips!
Burt: You stop saying stuff that makes me want to!

Burt: Babies are cool... until you've done everything there's to do with them, then you get bored. That's why TV shows about babies never last more than a year.

Toy Story [1.11][edit]

Virginia: [to Kate] I am fine with an Asian Jesus, but let's be real here: that's a 3-year-old fat kid.

Maw Maw: [looking at herself in the mirror dressed as a wiseman] Who the hell moved my vagina?

Romeo and Romeo [1.12][edit]

Sabrina: [seeing Jimmy and Justin hang out] Look at you two hanging out-like two penises in a pod.

Maw Maw: [wheeling out from under Burt's truck] Well the universal ball joint's no picnic, but the transmission's been leaking around four spots. Why didn't you have me look at it earlier?
Burt: You're never lucid for this long. Had a chance last week, but by the time I got you in the coveralls, you thought you were an exterminator and spent three and a half hours under the house.
Maw Maw: Did I kill anything?
Jimmy: Two rats and a snake.
Maw Maw: Man, the things you people tell me I do. Getting old is quite a ride.

A Germ of a Story [1.13][edit]

Burt: People in glass houses should not throw stones...or sleep naked.

Burt: [about picking his nose with all of his fingers] I like to mix it up. Different ones get to different places.

What Up, Cuz? [1.14][edit]

Snip Snip [1.15][edit]

[After Maw Maw readily voted with Jimmy]
Burt: She is only allowed to vote if she's lucid.
Virginia: Maw Maw, we are currently at war with what country?
Maw Maw: Iraq and Afghanistan.
Jimmy: Is she right?
Burt: I think so, but I'm not sure.
Maw Maw: It's right, you morons. One more reason why you shouldn't have another baby. Look, we're five people living in a four person house. We need another baby like we need a gorilla throwing fireworks.

Virginia: We are responsible! We're also passionate and spontaneous.
Burt: Yeah those would be our gladiator names if we were on American Gladiator.

The Cultish Personality [1.16][edit]

Bruce: [about Mike] When you find him, beat him black and blue.
Policeman: I'd love to, but with the internet and phone cameras, the fun's over.

Burt: [to Mike] I wish your dad was here for this, but he's busy being a big throbbing tool. Let's call him up and rub the happiness in his face.

Mongooses [1.17][edit]

Natalie: You can't fight a mountain lion. All you can do is lay back and go meet Jesus.

Burt: Pygmies freak me out. The women run around topless. They look like little girls with knockers.

Cheaters [1.18][edit]

Virginia: All college guys cheat when they're in a long distance relationship. Why do you think I didn't let your dad go off to college?
Jimmy: 'Cuz he didn't graduate high school?
Virginia: For your information, there are universities that advertise on late night television that are willing to overlook that.

Burt: Noses are the unsung hero of the face, ties the whole thing together. Name one good looking person without a nose...can't do it.

Sleep Training [1.19][edit]

[Zoe walks into the studio completely naked]
Rosa: Jimmy, you look so freaked out, like a deer caught in his girlfriend's high beams.
Jimmy: I'm not freaked out. I always figured the first time I saw her naked would be with a bunch of strangers and my mom's boss.

Donovan: Hell Chinese moms don't even give the kid a pillow. Yeah, they throw a violin and a laptop in the crib and say "Learn it by morning, donkey!" I mean, that's why the Chinese are beating us at everything.

Everybody Flirts...Sometimes[1.20][edit]

Virginia: [to Gary] I'm sure somewhere out there there is a woman that wants to be lured into your apartment to find you naked. Maybe you should try Greg's List!

Burt: When it comes to being a hunter gatherer, I don't have a lot of weapons. I'm not that bright, I'm not that smart, and I don't have a lot of intelligence.

Baby Monitor [1.21][edit]

Jimmy: [after seeing Sabrina's commercial] That's not fair. You used my daughter without my permission. Would you make your own baby?
Frank: Yeah. Come on Sabrina. Let's go make our own baby!

Virginia: Burt, why are you infusiating yourself in other people's lives?
Burt: I like this guy. He reminds me of me. We both have brown hair and hate museums.

Don't Vote for This Episode[1.22][edit]

Rosa: It seems my mother thinks that your son is the Devil.
Virginia: Hah! I kinda doubt the devil would still be a virgin at eighteen.

Virginia: Did you hear that? Maw Maw's got a surprise for you Jimmy!
Jimmy: [slams his hand onto the table] You know that's not my name! If you want to address me, you must call me Drakkar Noir.
Virginia: Like the man's perfume, right?
Jimmy: It means Black Dragonship.
[momentary pause]
Burt: Your makeup looks nice today.

Season 2[edit]

Prodigy [2.01][edit]

[The Chances visit the doctor to learn more about Jimmy's talent and memory loss]
Jimmy: ...and I haven't been able to remember anything, and I haven't been able to play the piano or sing ever since.
Dr. Finklestein: That's fascinating! Because when you guys walked in here, I thought for sure you were looking for oxycontin.

Virginia: [to Jimmy after he realizes he used to know how to perform] Okay, fine... at one point in your life, you might have been a little... amazingly talented.

Sabrina Has Money [2.02][edit]

Kidnapped [2.03][edit]

Henderson, Nevada-Adjacent Baby! Henderson, Nevada-Adjacent! [2.04][edit]

Killer Hope [2.05][edit]

Jimmy's Fake Girlfriend[2.14][edit]

Jimmy: Did she sound snippy?
Frank: Hard to tell. Everyone's snippy with me, I'm Frank.

Sabrina: I hate kissing in public.

Sheer Madness[2.15][edit]

[Jimmy and Sabrina are preparing to go to sleep]
Jimmy: I'm going to grab an extra blanket, it gets pretty cold in here at night. There's a big hole in the wall. I usually stuff a sock in there, but I needed one yesterday, and...
[Turns back to see Sabrina has pulled a pair of pantyhose over her head]
Sabrina: ...We should probably talk about this.
Jimmy: Okay. Are you robbing me?

[Jimmy has covered himself in tarantulas to help Sabrina get over her arachnaphobia]
Jimmy: Hey, how's it going!
Sabrina: [shocked screaming]
Jimmy: Okay, calm down, I'm all right, I'm not in any danger.
Sabrina: [screaming incoherently]
Jimmy: I did some research, and this is a way to overcome your fear!
Sabrina: [panicked, terrified screaming]
Jimmy: Once you realize that I'm okay...
Sabrina: [continues to scream]
Jimmy: ...you'll see there's nothing to be afraid of.
Sabrina: [continues to scream]
Virginia: What in the world... [sees spiders, also begins to scream]
Jimmy: Okay, if you guys could please stop screaming, I think you're starting to freak the spiders out a little bit.

Single White Female Role Model [2.16][edit]

Spanks Butt, No Spanks [2.17][edit]

[Sabrina walks into the kitchen]
Virginia: Coffee?
Sabrina: No thanks. Do you have tea?
[Everyone begins mocking Sabrina]
Burt: [in British accent] Yes, we have tea, after we finish cleaning our chimneys!
Virginia: [in British accent] What say we make some mugs of tea and drink them with our pinkies out, and then throw another shrimp on the barbie?
[Everyone laughs at Sabrina]
Sabrina: I'm going to take this little skit to mean that you DON'T have tea.
Virginia: Oh, we have tea. It's on the shelf behind the crackers and next to the beef boullion cubes.
Burt: I forgot about those! Grab me one, they're like little meat-flavored hard candies.

Virginia: [spraying perfume on a toy in order to trap a raccoon] Jennifer Aniston by Jennifer Aniston. No man can resist this. Except Brad Pitt.
Sabrina: And John Mayer.
Virginia: And Vince Vaughn.
Sabrina: Bradley Cooper.
Virginia: And that homeless looking guy from Counting Crows.

Poking Holes in the Story [2.18][edit]

Natalie: We know how to use condoms, we put them on cucumbers in class.
Virginia: First of all, putting them on cucumbers is just setting yourself up for a disappointment.

Sabrina: Jimmy, you know I love your quirky family, but you nailing your great-grandmother is gonna be a real deal-breaker.

Season 3[edit]

Not Indecent, But Not Quite Decent Enough Proposal [3.01][edit]

Maw Maw: And I'd like to live in it alone just once before I die! So hurry up and ask that long-haired pretty boy to marry you before the Republicans get back into office and make it a sin.
Sabrina: [angrily] Maw Maw, I'm not telling you this again. I am a WOMAN.
Maw Maw: And I'm not telling YOU this again. Show me your vagina, and I'll believe you.
Sabrina: NO!
Maw Maw: Burt showed me his!
[Everyone looks at Burt quizzically]
Burt: I know that sounded like I have a vagina. Which I DON'T. ...I was peeing the other day, and... I'll explain later.

If a Ham Falls in the Woods [3.04][edit]

[During a couples compatibility game]
Reverend Bob: A meteor is heading to your house. What would your partner say was the one thing you would save? Burt?
Burt: The world.
[Virginia flips over her card: "The World"]
Reverend Bob: Jimmy?
Jimmy: I don't know. We use the toaster oven a lot.
[Sabrina flips over her card: "Hope"]
Jimmy: Oh, yeah, that's better. She's right on that one.

[In response to the question, "What did the men say is your most embarrassing secret?"]
Sabrina: I'm afraid of spiders crawling in my ears, so sometimes I sleep with a panty-ho on my head.
[Jimmy flips over his card: "Sits backwards on the toilet when she poops"]
Sabrina: I enjoy reading, and sometimes it's easy to put the book on the the back of the toil--Okay, you know what, great. Now both these things are out there and we haven't even got one question right.

The Walk for the Runs [3.08][edit]

Jimmy: I'll walk the 1k. And you guys should be ashamed of yourselves. Barney's up here courageously admitting that he has a serious condition, and you guys are acting like children.
Barney: Thank you, James. At least there's someone here that knows that ABS is nothing to joke about. We need to voice our support because silence can be deadly. The fight against ABS will get the push it deserves to finally make a big splash. Sufferers of this condition are tired of hiding like turtles in their shells. It's time for this turtle's head to poke out!
Jimmy: Barney, you're not doing yourself any favors.
Barney: Uh, Ricardo. Could you please stop pinching that loaf?
Jimmy: Oh, come on. Seriously?

[Burt has dyed his hair and eyebrows shoe-polish black]
Burt: Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo!
Virginia: What the hell is up with your hair?
Burt: Nothing. Just decided to touch it up a little, that's all.
Virginia: Well, you look like one of those birds from that Juan Valdez oil spill.
Burt: Oh, please. It's such a double-standard. How come you get to cheat to look younger? I've seen your drawer in the bathroom. It's one set of vampire fangs away from being a special effects studio.

Squeak Means Squeak [3.09][edit]

Jimmy: I think it's time we had an honest, heart-to-heart talk about something that we all feel is becoming a problem.
Sabrina: Okay yes, sometimes I eat dirt! So what, Einstein ate dirt. Einstein!
[Awkward silence]
Sabrina: This... wasn't about the dirt, was it.
[Awkward silence]
Sabrina: Is this about how I count the number of words in every sentence; 13.
[Awkward silence]
Sabrina: You know what, Burt was right. I'll just listen.

Sabrina: What if it's hereditary? What if I just don't have the parenting gene?
[Burt pushes a potted plant towards Sabrina with his foot]
Sabrina: Okay, it's called geophagy. I sense you have questions, go ahead.
Burt: Do you have to wash your hands before you eat dirt? If it falls on the ground, is there a five-second rule? Have you ever tried sand? Is Mexican dirt spicy? If you swallow an apple seed, will you poop a tree?

The Last Christmas [3.10][edit]

Mike: Are we all gonna die? That's my worst fear; to be here one day and gone the next. Like I never even existed.

Maw Maw: I've only got three things left on my bucket list, and I need to get into a fistfight.
Jimmy: Maw Maw, I'm not gonna fight you. You're a million years old and you broke your pelvis falling off the roof of that car.
Maw Maw: I'm sorry, what did you just say? I'm not fluent in wussy.
Sabrina: I'll fight you.
Maw Maw: You will?
Sabrina: Oh, yeah. I've been wanting to punch you in the face ever since you told me I looked like Ralph Macchio in drag.
Maw Maw: Let's do this.

Lord of the Ring [3.12][edit]

Sabrina: If you must know, my family has a little bit of a body hair issue. And believe me, this is nothing. I've got an aunt that looks like Borat.
Virginia: You get weirder and weirder every week.

Sabrina: All I want is a marriage like yours. One of the reasons I fell in love with Jimmy is the possibility of getting that.
Virginia: That's why you fell in love with him? Because Burt and I have never been able to figure that one out.

What Happens at Howdy's Doesn't Stay at Howdy's [3.13][edit]

[Virginia tries to secretly remove a bag from the refrigerator]
Burt: What's that?
Virginia: Uh, nothing. Just some boring girl stuff I bought for the bachelorette party.
Burt: So boring you had to hide it in the vegetable crisper?
Virginia: Okay, fine. It's a bag of penises.
Burt: [Apprehensively] Whose are they, and why do they have to be kept crisp?

Jimmy: [Finishing a Mad Lib during his bachelor party] Okay, that's the last word. So the story is: "I was 'bored' in my 'bored' hat and went to my 'boring' room, where I saw a 'bored' that was eating my giant 'this sucks'." I don't think that even makes sense.

Modern Wedding [3.14][edit]

Burt: Just keep her away from us from now on, okay? I mean, no offense, but we're kind of done with the whole "Lucy coming back from the dead" thing. It's like, every year we think she's gone, and then she comes back in some crazy way, messes up our lives again. It's getting old.

Sabrina: All right, Mom. That's it. Thank you so much for this incredible gift. We're gonna cherish it forever. I'm sure we're gonna watch it a million times. And, um, when we do, I want Jimmy to hear this last part. Jimmy, you always make it seem like you're lucky to have me as your wife, but I'm the lucky one. I'm lucky to have you and Hope and your entire family in my life, and sometimes I feel like I don't say that to you enough, but it's true. And when we watch this with our grandkids one day, I want them to know how much you mean to me. I love you.
[Blows kiss to camera and walks away; Burt jumps out from behind couch and attacks cameraman]

Yo Zappa Do (Part 1) [3.15][edit]

[Jimmy and Sabrina have dressed up in goth outfits to have sex just as the rest of the family walks back into the hotel room]
Virginia: Dress-up sex on your honeymoon? You're leaving yourself nowhere to go on a rainy Thursday in year four.
Burt: Jimmy, my instructions were "kiss, get undressed, then do it". Not "do it dressed like KISS"!

Sabrina: Hey, guys, they just started serving breakfast downstairs. You might want to get down there quick before they run out of Danish. Jimmy and I will meet you down there in 15 or 20 minutes after we get ready. ...Alone. On our honeymoon.
Jimmy: Oh, I don't know. Don't want to miss the Danish...
Sabrina: [puts up a hand to stop him] You're gonna want to stick around.

Yo Zappa Do (Part 2) [3.16][edit]

Virginia: Child stars go downhill no matter how good they act. They could star in a Spielberg movie and still end up playing the nutty mom on some sitcom.

Burt: Which one of you is from NBC?
[Executive raises hand; Burt kicks him in the groin]
Burt: That's for canceling My Name is Earl!!

Mother's Day [3.22][edit]

Sabrina: Over the last few years, you have been more of a mother to me than my mother ever was. I want you to have this.
[Hands Virginia macaroni necklace]
Virginia: I see what you're doing, and it's very sweet, but--
Sabrina: What's my favorite color? What is it?
Virginia: Orange.
Sabrina: And you know that because?
Virginia: Because, for your wedding, you and I spent two days driving to every supermarket in town buying all the orange flowers.
Sabrina: And how did I chip my tooth?
Virginia: You thought you could skateboard drunk on Cinco de Mayo. And you not only chipped your tooth, you sprained your ankle.
Sabrina: And when did I start walking again?
Virginia: Three days later on Ocho de Mayo.

Shelly: So, your mother never called, huh?
Sabrina: No.
Shelly: I'm sorry.
Sabrina: That's okay. I'm with my family.

Season 4[edit]

Thrilla In Natesvilla [4.13][edit]

[After being warned by Frank that Barney is looking for a couple to double date with him and Maxine]
Jimmy: Well, I think we should support Barney.
Sabrina: Oh, I'm not going. It's not because of Barney, it's because of my aunt Maxine. She's always criticizing everything I eat, and what I wear, and how I married a guy who's just completely beneath... [stutters and averts eyes] my... wings. Like the wind!
Jimmy: You can stop.

Cast[edit]

External links[edit]

Wikipedia
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