Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares

Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares is a reality TV program presented by Chef Gordon Ramsay where he visits failing restaurants across the UK. It aired in the UK from April 27 2004 to January 30 2009

Series Two

D-Place [2.02]

Gordon: D-Place is in D-Shit.

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[Gordon checks the potatoes which Phillip claims that they are roasted]

Gordon: Listen, let me have a quick word with you. This man (Israel) is paying your salary. His business is about to close. You understand how critical the situation is? So pay the man fucking respect and tell the truth. You have deep fried the potatoes!

Phillip: These haven't been deep fried.

Gordon: They are wrinkled, dehydrated and they've been in the deep fat fryer.

Phillip: That's not dehydrated.

Gordon: You're talking to a chef and for as long as I got a hole in my butt big boy, those fucking potatoes have been in the deep fat fryer. Don't fucking lie!

Phillip: I know what I did!

Gordon: You knew the oven's not hot enough to roast a potato! You can't even cook a FUCKING burger in there! They've been in the fryer! Tell the fucking truth!

Phillip: It went in the oven.

Gordon: Tell him the fucking truth. (voiceover) He's so adamant. I'm starting to doubt my own judgement.

Series Three

Clubway 41 [2.03]

Gordon: Have you cooked mussels before?

Dave: No.

Gordon: You're pulling my plonker now, aren't you? You've never cooked a mussel?

Dave: Alright, we can shout now or you can fucking out, I don't mind.

Gordon: What you mean I can out?

Dave: Hey?

Gordon: What did we do for the last...

Dave: Yeah, okay, fine. You're right. Sorry.

Gordon: What did we do for the last two hours?

Dave: Fine, so what do we want in here?

Gordon: I'm just amazed you haven't cooked a mussel.

Dave: I haven't! Don't take the piss out of me for it, though.

Gordon: Who's taking the piss?

Dave: You are!

Gordon: I don't think you can actually cook!

Dave: If you'd have fucking talked to me...

Gordon: If you can't cook a fucking mussel...

Dave: If you had fucking talked to me...

Gordon: Yes!

Dave: Y'err! Urgh!

Gordon: Go on!

Dave: Hey?

Gordon: Go on!

Dave: Urgh!

Gordon: Finish it, then.

Dave: Finish what?

Gordon: What are you about to say?

Dave: What am I about to say?

Gordon: Cook a mussel.

Dave: No! I haven't cooked one.

Gordon: Right. Okay. So shall I show you how to cook a mussel?

Dave: Oh, at last. Thank you. Yes, please.

Gordon: Are you going to tone your voice down, or are you going to shout like some dick?

Dave: I'll shout like some dick, and then I'll calm down.

Gordon: Right. Well, why don't you fuck off to the bookshop, read how to cook a mussel and come back and see me, and I'll run your fucking restaurant.

Dave: Thank you!

Gordon: Plonker.

Dave: Twat.

Gordon: Fucking hell, what's all that about? Jesus Christ! Well, at least, he broke the ice now, we know where we stand. (mocks Dave) Yeah?

Series Five

The Granary [5.08]

Nigel: We've never had a night like this before!

Gordon: Why are you shouting?

Nigel: Why have you done this to us?!

Gordon: Why have I what?!

Nigel: Why did you do this to us? We've never had a night like this! Never, since we've open.

Gordon: Don't be so ridiculous, will you? Shit food, fucking red mullet frozen from Thailand, the fact that we're not performing, the service is all over the place, the customers are fucking complaining.

Nigel: 90 people without giving us any notice.

Gordon: There's still 50 that haven't even been fucking served. So what are you blaming me for this?

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Gordon: You're a weak man.

Nigel: Oh, fuck off, Gordon! I'm not a weak man.

Gordon: Why don't you open your eyes, get your head out of your arse and try to look at your business objectively? (Outside) They clearly can't cook the existing menu, they're struggling. There's nearly 60 customers still on the board. They've barely cooked 25-30 main courses. And, all of a sudden, I'm to blame because they're busy and they're not handling it.

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Gordon: When was the last time you've trained a waitress?

Nigel: I got to look after my customers. This is nonsense. Right? I've told him what happens. I told him what fucking happens.

Gordon: Talk to me!

Nigel: Why? Because you don't listen! I'm in denial! I do this all the time. This is how I run my fucking restaurant! It's not true!

Gordon: That's why you're in this shit, you fucking fat idiot!

Nigel: Don't call me fat, you are a twat! Do you know that?

Gordon: You stupid jerk of an idiot!

Nigel: You stupid fucking silly little arse!

Series Six

The Runaway Girl [6.02]

Gordon: I've never seen such a fucked up service in all my fucking life.

[Justin brings back a couple of steaks]

Justin: This was asked for well done and they're sending it back.

Gordon: Well let me just tell you something, (slices the steak) in terms of well done, look, we braised it. What is it?

Justin: It's well done.

Gordon: That is well done so (slams the steak down) STOP BRINGING ME SHIT!!!

Justin: What about this Gordon?

Gordon: That is well done!

Justin: What about this?

Gordon: It's well done! We've braised it!

Justin: That is pink though.

Gordon: That's gristle you fucking idiot! What is that?

Richie: Gristle.

Gordon: Look, look it's white inside!

Justin: Thanks for telling.

Gordon: Oh my god! What a fucking Muppet!