Rat Race (film)
(Redirected from Rat Race)
- Excuse me. Thank you all for coming. I'm Donald Sinclair, I own this hotel. We don't have much time. There's a meteor the size of North Carolina heading straight for Earth. The impact is going to kill every thing and everyone on this planet. I built a bunker in the basement to this casino strong enough to withstand the blast. There's room enough for eight people. I have chosen the seven of you, plus me. When this is over, it'll be up to us to repopulate and re-civilize the planet. [Everyone looks shocked for about five seconds, before Sinclair begins laughing hysterically] I'm sorry. I couldn't resist
- I can do anything I want; I'm eccentric! [growls like a tiger]
- And, they're off!
- Theoretically, you have been racing for about 40 seconds now, and so far, Mr. Schaefer is winning, because he's nearest to the door!
- It's a race! It's a race! I hope I win!
- Hey look! A drifter! Let's kill him!
- I am getting goose pimples.
- I make a joke to help you forget how screwed you are.
- (Entering room) Am I too late? Look I won a coin, a gold coin. Uh, isn't this wonderful. Look at this room. Isn't this a beautiful room? Have you seen this room?
- (Introducing himself) I am Enrico Polinni. Now I know what you are thinking, Enrico is a girl's name. No pun intended.
- I know you, you're the referee, the bonehead!
- Oh good! A scam!!
- We should've bought a squirrel.
- It's true. You could break your neck. It's a risk I'm willing to take.
- Because, Einstein, one of us needs to be the victim and one of us needs to be the witness! What kind of witness would you make? I'm your own brother, I don't know what the hell you're saying!
- What do you mean that's it? I'm not givin' up and neither are you. And neither am I! I'll tell you something, brother. If we're not flyin' out of here, no one is flyin' out of here.
- [Looking at a map, a plane lands behind him] Where the hell is the airport?!
- Are you insane?! This is Hitler's car!
- You drink these up, then we're gonna return the Nazi-mobile. And then we'll get the van fixed and we'll go back to Vegas and see David Copperfield!
- Bev, Bev, wake... Come on. Wake up. Wake up. Bev, wake up. Wake up. Third Reich's here. Come on. Get down. You wanna have a nice life. Okay, okay. Think. Think. SS in the parking lot.
- They're always pissed, honey. They're Nazis, it's like it's their job.
- I do NOT want to work at Home Depot!
- SS in the parking lot!
- Look dad, I'm Mrs. Hitler!
- Dad, I don't have to pee, it's number two!
- I'm prairie-dogging it!
- I am not a bus driver! I do not work for the bus company! All right?! I--I needed a ride to New Mexico, so I stole this uniform! See this jacket? This is not my jacket! Remember Marty, the bus driver? Huh?! This is his shirt! I stole it! And these pants, you think I'd wear these pants?! These aren't my pants! These are Marty's pants! I stole them! I am not...a bus driver!
- (Talking about the coin he used to flip at the Super Bowl) It's really a commemorative coin.
- Squirrel Lady: I wasn't talkin' to you, was I? I was talkin' to Vera!
- [A hotel employee hands Nick Schaffer his bill.]
- Nick Schaffer: Wait - what's this $110?
- Employee: Oh, those are your in-room movies.
- Nick Schaffer: Oh, I didn't watch any movies.
- Employee: Let's see..."Afro Whores".
- Nick Schaffer: "Afro Whores"?
- Employee: It says you watched it... 11 times.
- Nick Schaffer: No, I didn't watch that.
- Employee: 2:00 "Afro Whores", 3:30 "Afro Whores", 5:00 "Afro Whores"... It says in the morning you watched "The Grinch" for ten minutes, then switched back over to "Afro Whores".
- Nick Schaffer: I swear I didn't watch it. Okay? I was at a bachelor party. There were 35 people there. You can ask any of them. You have to take that off my record.
- Hotel Clerk: This is not a record, sir.
- Nick Schaffer: It... It's a delete.
- Hotel Clerk: Okay, fine. How many times *did* you watch it?
- Nick Schaffer: None! I didn't watch it!
- Hotel Clerk: Are you sure? "Sizzling, three-way, backdoor action featuring two sexy soul sisters...”
- Nick Schaffer: [screaming] I don't need to know what it's about! I did not watch it! I didn't.
- '[hotel clerk raises her eyebrows]
- Duane Cody: Okay, see that shot glass? Walk across the lobby, slip on the glass, let gravity do the rest.
- Shane Cody: I-ight 'eak y eck!
- Duane Cody: It's true, you could break your neck, but it's a risk I'm willing to take.
- Shane Cody: Hy ont u oo it?
- Duane Cody: Because, Einstein, one of us needs to be the victim and one of us needs to be the witness! What kind of witness would you make? I'm your own brother, I don't know what the hell you're saying. How's your tongue, let me see.
[Shane opens his mouth, showing a blackened tongue with a stud in it. Duane cringes]
- Shane Cody: Ows it ook?
- Duane Cody: ...It looks good, getting better.
- Randy Pear: [Seeing Shane's infected tongue] Oh my god! You ought to sue somebody!
- Shane Cody: Ay id it y-elf!
- Rande Pear: What?
- Duane Cody: He said he did it himself. Sent away for a kit.
- Donald Sinclair: ...And, that's it...GO.
- Owen: Y-You can't just pick people for this at random!
- Donald Sinclair: I can do anything I like, I'm eccentric! [Growls] GO!
- Randy Pear: So, is this like a race? [Sinclair points to him with an "Ah-ha!" expression]
- Enrico Pollini: A race! It's a race! I hope I win!
- Duane Cody: Uh, what are the rules?
- Donald Sinclair: There's only one rule. Are you ready? Here it is: There are NO RULES, GO!...GO!!
- Merrill : So, when you say "go", you mean, just go?
- Donald Sinclair: Uh, begin, commence, start moving... theoretically you have been racing for about forty-five seconds now, and so far Mr. Schaffer is winning because he's nearest to the door.
[Nobody moves. Sinclair finally sighs in frustration and pulls out a pistol, firing it into the ceiling.]
- Vicki: So, what can I do for you, Harry?
- Harold Grisham: Okay... here's what I want. First... we both get naked.
- Vicki: So far so good.
- Harold Grisham: Except... we're both wearing sailor hats. Then we get into a jacuzzi filled with Pepto-Bismol, I clip your toenails, and you shave my buttocks.
- Kimberly Pear : Dad, I'm prairie dogging back here!
- Randy Pear : Well, what the hell does that mean?
- Jason Pear : You know, like when a prairie dog sticks his head in and out of the ground.
- Randy Pear : Oh. [pause] Oh, God, I do not wanna picture that!
- Randy Pear : You're playing Hitler's harmonica!
- Jason Pear : Well, you're driving his car.
- Randy Pear : Yeah, but I'm not touching it with my mouth! I'm not suckin' on the dashboard! I'm not getting his germs!
- 563 miles. 9 people. $2 million. 1001 problems!
- Make a Dash, for the Cash
- Breckin Meyer — Nick Schaffer
- Amy Smart — Tracy Faucet
- Cuba Gooding Jr. — Owen Templeton
- Seth Green — Duane Cody
- Vince Vieluf — Blaine Cody
- Whoopi Goldberg — Vera Baker
- Lanei Chapman — Merrill Baker
- Jillian Marie — Kimberly Pear
- Brody Smith — Jason Pear
- Jon Lovitz — Randall 'Randy' Pear
- Kathy Najimy — Beverly 'Bev' Pear
- Rowan Atkinson — Enrico Pollini
- John Cleese — Donald P. Sinclair
- Wayne Knight — Zach Mallozzi