Red vs. Blue: Recreation
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[Watching the reds plan to attack blue base]
- Church: Sigh, great, I'm sure this will all end well. [Walking to blue base] You know, I can't believe those idiots are responsible for my death. TWICE. It's embarrassing is what it is.
- Caboose: FIRE! That's bad. Bad fire! BAD FIRE GO AWAY.
- Church: If I was killed by an alien, or a monster, or some sorority blow job massacre, that I could handle. [Looking over blue base]
- Caboose: Please stop burning! Nothing else burn!
- Church: And look at this, this is my legacy? I mean what did I do with my life to deserve this.
- Caboose: I mean it! [Fire keeps spreading]
- Church: Sigh, this has all gone so wrong.
- Tex: Well, what are you going to do about it Church?
- Church: Do? What can I do Tex, I'm dead. Gone.
- Tex: Oh come on Church. They say your never COMPLETELY dead if someone still remembers you.
- Church: Yeah, but look who's left to remember me. Him?
- Caboose: [comes out running on fire] Oh God, now I'm burning. That's much worse than other things burning!
- Church: Sure feels like being dead. Like all the way dead. Like someone encased me in cement and fired me into the sun dead.
- Caboose: Why does it keep chasing me?! [falls into a lake] Ahh, that's nice.
- Church: It's just a long way back for us.
- Tex: Okay, so then we're done?
- Caboose: [Walking into the base] Okay, let's try that again. But with less fire on me this time!
- Church: No. No we're not done.
- Tex: Well then if we're not done, let's get started.
- Church: Hey, have I ever mentioned how helpful you are to me? I mean you're so full of fucking wisdom. What would I ever do without you?
- Tex: Heh, I try my best. And you have no one to blame but yourself.
Chapter 1: Don't Get Me Started 
- Sarge: Attention Blue Team! This is the Red Team! We are here to destroy you! Your long reign of being the shittiest team around is about to come to a sudden cataclysmic end! We will give you a few moments to soak in the horror of this anouncement, and then return for your reaction. Be right back!
- Sarge: [Walking down hill to where Simmons and Grif are standing] Hehe. All right, that ought to scare the bejesus out of them.
- Simmons: Actually sir, since it's just one of them over there.
- Grif: And the one is an idiot.
- Simmons: I don't really see the point in the psychological warfare.
- Sarge: You're right Simmons! It's not really accurate to refer to one person as a team. What's better? Blue person? Blue man? Bluetonian?
- Simmons: What I meant was...
- Sarge: Bluetard.
- Simmons: [Short Pause] What I meant was, I don't see the point in announcing to him that we're going to attack. Why don't we just do it?
- Sarge: There's an order to this, Simmons! We can't abandon protocol just because we have an advantage! We have to give him a chance to see the errors of his Blue ways! To lay down his arms and meet us as his fellow men at the table of peace, where we can work together towards a better world... a world that's better because we poisoned his food at that table and stabbed him in the eye with a fork and taken all his stuff.
- Simmons: ...Dibs on the computers!
- Sarge: Noted. Now watch that base. Tell me if anything changes!
- Simmons: Yes sir! And sir?
- Sarge: Yes Simmons?
- Simmons: I just wanna say, I'm glad I was here to see you on your day of victory. It's been a long time coming.
- Sarge: Yes it has, hasn't it? My skills as a leader have really taken us far. It must have been quite an honor to serve with me. ...ahhh. Okay! Glad we had this talk.
- Simmons: Are you glad I'm here too Sarge?
- Sarge: Of course I am.
- Simmons: I knew it! I just knew...
- Sarge: The squad's kill death ratio is the most important measurement when evaluating sergeants! If you had died, that would have hurt my numbers.
- Simmons: [Beginning to cry] Glad I could help. [Walking up the hill that Sarge went down]
- Sarge: It's critical to keep a little pattern in our stats! That way if we're far enough ahead, I can stab Grif in the face and still stay in the lead.
- Grif: You know, I'm standing right here.
- Sarge: Right where I want you! Within face-stabbing range. [Turns on radio for Lopez] Lopez! How are those vehicle repairs coming?
- Lopez: [Spanish] Coming? The jeep is destroyed. It can't be fixed.
- Sarge: Got an ETA?
- Lopez: [Spanish] Yes. Never.
- Sarge: As long as I get it ASAP. Cause I need it PDQ!
- Lopez: [Spanish] In that case, never minus one.
- Sarge: Lopez you're a regular RFR! 'Really Fast Robot'. Grif! Make a note in the acronym journal! Simmons status report!
- Simmons: Still just one Blue sir!
- Sarge: Lopez, status report!
- Lopez: [Spanish] You already talked to me, jackass!
- Sarge: [Running up the hill again] Hey Blue! Don't think we forgotten about yah! Still gonna kill yah any second! Count on it! [Running down the hill back to Simmons and Grif again]
- Simmons: [Walking down hill with Sarge]
- Grif: Sarge have you thought this invasion all the way through?
- Sarge: Of course I have! We beat the Blues! We win. You suck. That's the whole way through.
- Grif: Ehh, and who do we fight then?
- Sarge: We fight! With other Blues!
- Grif: But what if no more Blues come? I mean they haven't sent reinforcements yet. What if they never do?
- Simmons: Why would you want more Blues?
- Grif: Well, we have this new base and all this new equipment. Who else are we going to test it on.
- Simmons: Who cares?! The war would be over!
- Grif: Oh, great!
- Sarge: You're suggesting we don't attack them?! Grif, that's borderline traitorism!
- Simmons: I think the word you're looking for is 'treason' sir.
- Girf: Never mind Sarge, I was wrong. If the war's over and we win, well that's just great!
- Sarge: Of course it would be!
- Grif: I mean no more early runs, no more training excersises. Why would we need to do any of that stuff right? We won!
- Sarge: Riiight.
- Grif: And all this new equipment, we could just let fall into dis-repair. I mean we don't need it. We won't even need to test it, because we're winning. We're about to make it all obsolete.
- Sarge: Huuuuuh.
- Grif: And just think about this Sarge! No more boring staff meetings! Ever!
- Sarge: Uh huh. [Runs up the hill again] Hey Blue! There's going to be a slight delay in your destruction. Hang tight! [To Grif and Simmons] Maybe I should call our new Command. They'll tell us what we should do.
- Grif: [Sarcastically] Ya, the old one was so great, the new one's got to be even better!
- Sarge: [Turns on radio for Command] Command. Come in Command! This is Blood Gulch Outpost... Wait! I mean... Simmons, what's the name of this place again?
[Simmons tells him, Sarge asks Command about Blue Team, Caboose shows up and is told to go away, and also Simmons asks Caboose what he's working on and Caboose refuses to tell him]
- Sarge: Hello? Hello! Hello? They hung up on me.
- Simmons: Why?
- Sarge: They said they didn't even have record of a Blue team. Nothing on Blues at all in their computer system.
- Simmons: Oh. Ohhhh.
- Sarge: What?
- Simmons: We deleted them remember? From Command computers. We wiped them out.
- Sarge: We did?
- Simmons: Ya, don't you remember?
- Sarge: Ohhh. Right.
- [Past, Command HQ]
- Sarge: Simmons, execute the hypotenuse initiative, and delete the Blues.
- Simmons: [presses a switch] Done! The Blues now never existed. I also upgraded your pay scales while I was at it.
- Sarge: Well deserved.
- Grif: Ya! We win.
- Sarge: [Cocks shotgun and shoots Grif]
- Grif: Blargh! I am dead, but that's okay, I don't deserve to enjoy victory. My life has meant nothing.
- Sarge: What a great day! Simmons, transform into motorcycle mode.
- Simmons: [Sounding like a robot] You got it sir. [Transforming into a motorcycle] Choop choop choop choop choop! Beep! Beep!
- Sarge: Let's get out of here. [Gets on motorcycle-Simmons and drives outside] Yee-haw!!
- [Present, Outpost 17-B: Valhalla]
- Grif: That's not what happened!
- Sarge: Of course it is.
- Grif: Then how am I still alive?!
- Sarge: I ask myself that question every day. [Short pause] Moto-Simmons! Run him over.
Chapter 2: Free Refills 
- Sarge: Where's Simmons?
- Grif: Simmons? If you wanted Simmons, then why didn't you yell like a lunatic for Simmons?
- Sarge: Damn it, Grif! Your duty is to watch Simmons, so that I know where to find him. Simmons watches Donut, and Donut watches me.
- Grif: Yeah well, who watches me?
- Sarge: Nobody.
- Sarge: Where is he?
- Grif: He's downstairs working on your holographic simulatron-or whatever you call it.
- Sarge: Excellent work Private Grif!
- Grif: Wow! Thanks, sir.
- Sarge: I'd recommend you to a shinny metal!
- Grif: Okay, you're being sarcastic right now aren't you?
- Sarge: Oh absolutely! Wait was your question sarcastic?
- Grif: Who knows? Probably? Unless-wait are you being sarcastic right now by asking that?
- Sarge: Hmm. Maybe we should drop this conversation.
- Grif: Hey! Where's Donut?
- Sarge: Simmons! Where is he?
- Simmons: How would I know?
- Sarge: Watchin' Donut's one of yer duties!
- Grif: Ooh, Hoo, Hoo! Busted!
- Simmons: Eh, who cares?
Chapter 3: Visiting Hours 
- Sarge: He won't give you any info. He'll die before he reveals anything. You hear that Donut? You'll die before you talk! We all know that, keep up the good work.
- Grif: Hey, Sarge, maybe there's a ransom.
- Sarge: Good thinkin'! What do you want, Blue?
- Caboose: What do I want? Do you have any cookies?
- Sarge: Yer demands! Ya have ta give us yer demands!
- Caboose: I demand cookies!
- Sarge: You're just toyin' with us! Yer evil Blue ways have no bounds!
- Grif: Yeah!
- Caboose: Well at least I don't go around-knocking on people's non-doors-promising cookies, and then NOT GIVING THEM COOKIES!(Runs back inside)
- Caboose: (Popping out) I'm leaving!(Goes back in)
Chapter 4: Catching Up 
Chapter 5: Local Host 
Chapter 6: One New Message 
Chapter 7: Bon Voyage 
- Sarge: Hey, be careful with the new gun, it hasn't passed any real world testing yet.
- Simmons: It hasn't passed any fake world testing. It's passed zero tests.
- Sarge: Which means the enemy can't possibly know about it. We've got the initiative.
- Simmons:(Quietly) Yay. We got something. Big dummy.
- Sarge: We'll be back as soon as we help the Blue, and then we'll kill him.
- Caboose: Guys, I really appreciate this.
- Sarge: Look Grif, sand.
- Grif: Yeah, we're on a beach.
- Sarge: Donut said there was sand. That means we're on the right track
- Grif: Know what else he told us? The coordinates to where we're going.
- Sarge: Another clue!
- Grif: That's not a clue. There's no mystery. We're driving there.
- Sarge: Come on, let's get going before the trail gets cold.
- Caboose: I have to use the bathroom again
- Donut: Lopez, Simmons has been gone a long time.
- Lopez: (Spanish) I don't care.
- Donut: If Simmons blows up Blue Base, Sarge is gonna be really mad.
- Lopez: (Spanish) Yes, he is stupid like that.
- Donut: I'm worried about him.
- Lopez: (Spanish) Yes, that's because you are stupid like that.
- Donut: I think I'm gonna go over there and check on him.
- Lopez: (Spanish) Whatever.
- Sarge: YEEHAW! (crash) I told you not to take jumps bigger than my 'yeehaw's! Makes me look bad.
- Grif: Okay, this looks like it.
- Sarge: Be careful, Grif. We don't want to get spotted.
- Intercom: Halt. Do not go any further.
- Caboose: I think we’ve been spotted.
- Sarge: Watch it, Grif!
- Intercom: You are attempting to access a restricted area, and you have entered a mine field.
The Warthog ceases movement.
- Grif: A what?
- Intercom: A mine field. You idiot.
- Caboose: Your field? Who says this is your field—You can’t own a field!
- Grif: Caboose, not his field! A mine field!
- Sarge: You know, the American culture said the Earth doesn’t belong to us. We belong to it.
- Grif: Guys, he means explosives!
- Caboose, Sarge: Ohhh.
An explosion goes off.
- Sarge: Oh!
Chapter 8: Directions 
- Simmons: What the hell is all this stuff?
- Donut: Oh, there you are! Did you blow up the base yet?
- Simmons: Look at this mess, Donut! It's like he's wrecked the place!
- Donut: Oh, yeah. That's Caboose's project!
- Simmons: This is what he's been working on?
- Donut: He's trying to rebuild a body for that blue buddy of his. Uh, looks like a piece is missing though.
- Simmons: For the dead guy? (scoff) Give me a break. No wonder no one ever wins this war. We're all doing stuff like building lame robots.
(Simmons turns around to find Lopez standing behind him)
- Simmons: Oh, hey Lopez! Uh, I didn't mean you. I meant other-- robots.
- Donut: That was kind of racist.
- Simmons: Hey, that's not true. I have lots of mechanical friends!
- Intercom: J-Just give me that microphone. Do not under any circumstances move. You have entered an active minefield.
- Caboose: Does thinking count as moving? Because if it does, I think I might have mo- OP! I did it again.
- Grif: Shut up, Caboose!
- Caboose: Well, I don't want to get exploded.
- Sarge: How do we get out of here?
- Intercom: We will guide you out.
- Sarge: Great! We'll just wait for you to come out here then.
- Intercom: What? No, fuck that! Listen, we're not coming out there. Okay? Hang tight. We're gonna pull up the schematics. We'll be right back. Don't move.
- Sarge: Grif! What were you thinking, driving us straight into a mine field?
- Grif: Me?! You were in the passenger seat! That makes you the navigator!
- Sarge: What are you talking about?
- Grif: Everybody knows that! You're in charge of directions!
- Sarge: No, the shotgun seat is reserved as a position of respect... and for people who carry shotguns. (lifts shotgun) See? (makes gun cock sound) Quid pro quo. Now Grif, here's the plan: you walk in front of us, very slowly.
- Grif: No!
- Sarge: If you hear anything that sounds like a small metallic click or it feels like your legs are being blown up, just say "Found one!"
- Grif: No!
- Caboose: Uh-oh! I think I just thought about something again.
- Sarge: Both of you shut up! I need to think a way out of this mess.
- Grif: You mean the mess you navigated us into?
- Sarge: How 'bout I come over there and navigate my fist through your forehead?!
- Grif: Okay, bring it. Just stroll on over here across the minefield and beat me to death.
- Sarge: Maybe I will.
- Grif: Bring it!
- Intercom: Look, we can hear you talking. Do not move, okay? Seriously.
- Sarge: (growls)
- Caboose: It's not my fault. I'm not moving. I'm not even thinking about moving.
- Grif: Sarge, since we may not make it out of this, maybe there's a few things I should tell you. You know, since you can't reach me.
- Sarge: [warningly] Grif...
- Grif: Like the reason I never listen to you. Or never follow your orders. And why I don't think anything you say is ever important.
- Sarge: (growls angrily) GRRRRIIOOU!!!
- Grif: But I want you to understand, Sarge. It's not because I'm lazy. It's because I don't like you. Or respect you. In any way. I have no positive feelings towards you.
(Sarge cocks shotgun)
- Grif: Now I imagine it can be pretty hard to be an ineffective leader with no respect...
(Sarge shoots shotgun, nothing happens)
- Grif: ...who doesn't understand that his primary weapon has an effective range much shorter than most weapons, but I think since we're gonna die anyway, you deserve to know that.
- Intercom: All right, I'm back. Ready? We're gonna guide you out of there.
- Grif: [laughs nervously] You know I was kidding, right?
- Simmons: Hey Lopez, wait up! Hey, man. I need some explosives.
(Lopez stares in silence)
- Simmons: To blow up blue base? You know, did Sarge give you the key to the weapon locker?
- Lopez: (Spanish) Yes.
- Simmons: Okay, I need about 50 kilos of plastic explosives. Technically, five should do it, but I really want to blow the fuck out of that thing. Can you go get it for me?
- Lopez: (Spanish) I will look into that.
- Simmons: Uh, I need it right now?
- Lopez: (Spanish) Yes. I'll get right on it. Look at me go.
- Simmons: Hmm, you don't seem to be moving.
- Lopez: (Spanish) Yes.
- Simmons: This is about that robot comment, isn't it?
- Lopez: (Spanish) Maybe.
- Intercom: Okay gentlemen. Here's how we're going to do this: we'll guide the two guys in front out, and you in the jeep, just follow them.
- Grif: Okay.
- Caboose: I-I'm scared.
- Intercom: All right! Start by taking two steps forward, and then turn to your right.
- Sarge: A step ain't exactly a standard measurement, buddy!
- Intercom: Just a step.
- Sarge: Yeah, I get it! But what's a step? Like this?
(Sarge steps forward slowly and moves back)
- Sarge: ...or this?
(Sarge lunges forward. A mine explodes and Sarge jumps back.)
- Sarge: Whoa!
- Intercom: Just a step!!
- Sarge: Okay, no problem, just a step!
- Intercom: All right. Now, walk four steps to your right.
- Sarge: You mean our right?
- Intercom: Yes.
- Caboose: Um, our our right or your our right?
- Intercom: There is no my your right!
- Sarge: Wh- is left north to you? Or is it-- wh- on the compass, which way?
- Caboose: Uhh, what about--
- Intercom: Just walk to your right!
(Sarge and Caboose walk to their left.)
- Intercom: No!
- Caboose, Sarge: Sorry!
- Grif: You know what? I just can't take this anymore. Fuck it.
(Grif starts driving. Caboose and Sarge start running.)
- Intercom: Yeah, uh, fuck it! Just run.
- Sarge: Son of a-
Chapter 9: My House, From Here 
Chapter 10: Lay of the Land 
Chapter 11: Dumb Cop, Bad Cop 
Chapter 14: The Installation 
- [Outpost 17-B: Valhalla]
- Lopez: [Humming while fixing the Mongoose that Simmons broke]
- Simmons: [Running towards Lopez] Lopez!
- Lopez: No! Acabo de fijar eso. Esta es el mio!
--> :Caption: No! I just fixed this. This one is mine. Stay away!
- Simmons: He's here! He's here!
- Lopez: Quien?
--> :Caption: Who?
- Simmons: The bad guy! The guy who wants to kill us!
- Lopez: Le necesitos ser mas especifo que ese.
--> :Caption: You're going to have to be more specific than that. [Meta shot a rocket and hit the side of Red Base]
- Simmons: The Meta! He's here!
- Lopez: Que? Aqui? Pense que el le muerto.
--> :Caption: What? Here? I thought he was dead.
- Simmons: Oh geez! Look out! [He and Lopez duck a rocket that went over their heads] Son of a bitch!
- Lopez: Madre de dios!
--> :Caption: Son of a bitch!
- Simmons: Lopez! We need some big guns.
- Lopez: OK. Te que buena hacer.
--> :Caption: OK. That I can do.
- Simmons: I'll grab the rocket launcher. [Picks up rocket launcher while Lopez goes inside the base] Just grab whatever you can Lopez. I'm trained to handle this weapon. [Stands near the Mongoose that Lopez was fixing] Lopez? Anybody?
- The Meta: [Growls and runs up and stops in front of the back entrance of Red Base]
- Simmons: Alright you bastard! Prepare to get 'Simmonsized'. [Fires a rocket, which hits the Mongoose, which flies over the Meta and lands to the side of the base. Simmons and the Meta both watch it as it flies through the air] Well fuck me.
- The Meta: [Growls and loads his Brute shot and aims it at Simmons, but Lopez shoots him two times with a Missle Pod and the Meta flees, turning invisible]
- Lopez: [Walks outside the base, carrying the Missle Pod] ¿Usted dijos "Simmonsized"?
--> :Caption: Did you seriously just say "Simmonsized"?
- Simmons: Lopez!
- Lopez: Cierre la cogida. Usted rompio motocicleta.
--> :Caption: Shut the fuck up. You broke my motorcycle again.
Chapter 16: Retention Deficit 
- Simmons: Hey Lopez, turn off your ears for a second.
- Lopez: Que? No puedo hacer eso.
- Caption: What? Why would I do that?
- Simmons: Okay. Are they off?
- Lopez: Sí. Estan apagado. Ese es puedo contestarle.
- Caption: Yeah, they're off. That's why I can answer you.
- Simmons: Okay, good. (in a whisper) If there's no room, we'll just leave Lopez. He's pretty much expendable, and they won't be able to get any info out of him anyway.
- Donut: I feel bad about it though. He's been so loyal.
- Simmons: So what? He's a robot. He has to be loyal. Dogs are loyal too, but that doesn't mean you can't eat them when you're stranded in an arctic outpost and command can't get rations through because of a seasonal blizzard.
- Donut: That seems like a very specific example.
- Simmons: (quickly) I don't wanna talk about it. Hey Lopez, you can turn your ears back on now.
- Lopez: CLICK. Oh, puedo oír otra vez. Un que milagro.
- Caption: CLICK. Oh, I can hear again. What a fucking miracle.
- Epsilon Church: Uh oh.
- Caboose: What? What happened?
- Epsilon Church: Crap. Instead of turning on my long-term memory, I think I just shut off my short-term memory.
- Caboose: Oh... is that bad?
- Epsilon Church: Huh? Is what bad?
- Caboose: Your memory thing getting shut off.
- Epsilon Church: Who shut off my memory?
- Caboose: You did.
- Epsilon Church: I did what?
- Caboose: Shut off your memory.
- Epsilon Church: Why do you want me to shut off my memory?
- Caboose: No, it's already shut off.
- Epsilon Church: What is?
- Caboose: Your memory.
- Epsilon Church: Yeah, what about it?
- Tucker: Wow, well this is a drastic improvement.
Chapter 17: Trust Issues 
Donut: and I'll handle your rears!
Simmons: ok, change of plans. I'll be last, Lopez, you still go out in front.
Lopez: porsa questo.
caption: of course I'm in front.
Simmons: Donut, you be in the middle.
Donut: it'll be a Donut sandwich! Mmmm mmmm!
Simmons: dammit Donut! You could ruin anything!
Caboose: hey, Church? are you doing that?
Church: doing what? (looks at the floating box) oh cool! am i? oh look! i am! thats awesome!
Tucker: what the fuck? when did you get telekinesis?
Caboose: you have teleportesis?! can you hear what i'm thinking right now?
Church: what?! no!
Tucker: my guess would be nothing.
Caboose: oh my god! Tucker has it too!
Chapter 18: Hang Time 
Church: Hey alien dude! How'd you like me now!
Tucker: W-T-fuck! Why'd you do that? I think that's taking advantage of your deity's status, dude.
Church: Well, what good is being a god if you can't smite some people? Have some fun?
Chapter 19: Think you know someone 
- Epsilon Church: I am not a THING! My name is Leonard Church, and you will fear my laser face!!
- Donut: Oh my God! He just shot Lopez! (Washington shoots Donut)
- Simmons: Donut?
- Donut: ...Hey, Simmons? I think he shot me too... ugh. (Donut collapses)
- Simmons: Donut!! NO!! Donut! Donut are you alright? C'mon breath Donut, breath! (To Washington) Why would you do that?! What's wrong with you?!
- Chairman: Agent Washington, when you find these blue soldiers that you're talking about, what makes you think that they are just going to give you the Epsilon unit?
- Washington: Heh, for as long as I can remember, I've been lied to, taken advantage of, shot in the back, and left for dead. And now, I have a way out of all of this. What in the hell makes you think that I'm going to ask for it?!