Red vs. Blue: Revelation

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Red vs. Blue: Revelation (originally named Resolutions) is the eighth season of the action-comedy machinma series Red vs. Blue by Rooster Teeth Productions

Chapter 1: For those of you just joining us...[edit]

Simmons: Man, I just didn't know they'd send you.
Doc: Yeah, you said that already. Hey, is everything okay with you?
Simmons: It's not my fault Doc. I had to make the call, they made me. They needed someone with medical training.
Doc: What are you talking about?
Simmons: I didn't mean for you to get involved. I'm sorry.
Doc: Sorry about what? (Turns around) Uh oh.
Washington: He's sorry about us.

Grif: Hey man.
Tucker: What're you doing?
Grif: Well, Sarge told us to bury the bodies from our battle.
Tucker: That's a lot of graves. A lot of holes to fill. (Under his breath) Bow chicka bow wow.
Grif: But now the wind picked up and blew sand all over the damn thing.
Tucker: Well I guess they're all ready buried. Good job dude.
Grif: I like the way you think.
Sarge: Grif, whad'are ya' doin' up here! I thought I told you to bury those... bodies. How did- wait, did you help him?
Tucker: Dude, we've been fighting for 8 years. You should know I'ma lover not a talker.
Grif: yeah maby hed help me if some of the bodys were dead ladys...i just sounds way creepyer than i intended.


Caboose: It's not fair! I worshiped Church, way before it was cool to worship him.
Grif: Hey! I told you that's still not cool! That will never be cool!

Epsilon: Attention true believers! ...And other people. We are hear to pay our final, and first respects to the dearly departed.

Epsilon: Okay, in the beginning, there was darkness. And out from the darkness came a voice.

Epsilon: (Chasing after a mirage of Tex) Hey you! Hold on a second! Who are you? Hey I'm talking to you! What are you deaf?!? What are you... (The scene changes to Valhalla) What?
Tucker: Hey Church! Hey Church! What are you doing out here man?!
Epsilon: (Scene changes back) Huh? What?
Tucker: The aliens don't like it when you leave them alone. And I don't like it when the aliens don't like stuff.
Epsilon: Did you see him?
Tucker: Who?
Epsilon: The person from the darkness. No wait, that's not right.

Chapter 2: Drink Your Ovaltine[edit]

Washington: Well then good. You know what to look for. I need a complete scan of my friend here. (Referring to the Meta) But I would recommend you don't use any needles. He hates needles. And we wouldn't want to make him angry, now would we?

Sarge: Alright, let's try this. You ready antenna ball?
Epsilon: I told you not to call me that! And hurry it up. This metal rod isn't exactly in a comfortable place.

Grif: Thanks for the help.
Epsilon: Yeah, whatever. I won't be able to fly straight for a week now.
Grif: Simmons sounded good. I guess he has everything under control.
Sarge: Donut and Lopez are dead, and someone had taken Simmons prisoner.
Grif: What? Everything sounded fine to me.
Sarge: Think about it. How do you answer the radio at our base?
Grif: Thank you for calling Red Base. This is Private Grif, how may I assist you today?
Sarge: And we have drilled those since day one. Simmons answered 'hi'. That was my first clue.
Grif: So maybe he's just-
Sarge: He also said the radio was in direpair. When has Lopez ever anything go without the proper maintenance?
Grif: Never.
Sarge: And look the time .
Grif: Can't, clock's broken.
Sarge: It's seventeen thirty. And everybody knows that seventeen thirty is...
Grif: Donut's daily wine and cheese hour.
Sarge: I didn't hear any tinkling glasses. Did you?
Grif: You're right.
Sarge: He also mentioned that the weather was rainier. And as we all know, that Mount Rainier is the biggest land mass in the state of... Washington.
Grif: We do? I mean we do.
Sarge: And how many Washingtons do we know?
Grif: Did he mean, Agent Washington?
Sarge: And who's the biggest mass we know, associated with Washington?
Grif: The Meta!
Sarge: So the Meta and Washington have teamed up to kill Donut and Lopez and now they're holding Simmons and Doc prisoner.
Grif: We have to help them- wait, Doc? How do you know he's there?
Sarge: Please Grif, it's so obvious. I wouldn't want to insult your inteligence by explaining every little detail.
Grif: Oh, uh, okay.
Sarge: Come on. We're going to Valhalla. It's time for a rescue mission.
Grif: Rescue mission? How the hell are we suppose to fight Wash and the Meta?
Sarge: Don't worry I have a plan. How're the seat belts in the new Jeep.
Grif: Good I guess. (They start to drive away with Epsilon following close behind)
Epsilon: Valhalla huh?
Grif: Wait! Why?

Chapter 3: Upon further review[edit]

Washington: (Referring to Sarge) Great, this guy. Freeze, stay were you are. Turn around.
Sarge: Hey. If it isn't our good buddy Agent Washington. And just what are you doing here?
Washington: Don't play dumb with me Sarge. I think you know why I'm here. Where are the rest of your guys? Where's Epsilon?
Sarge: Someplace safe.
Washington: You can either tell me, or you can tell the Meta back at the base.
Sarge: The Meta's here?
Washington: Yes. And he really wants to repay you for all the trouble you caused him.
Sarge: I seem to recall you caused him some of that trouble too.
Washington: Situation's changed. Now drop your weapons.
Sarge: (Sarge drops his shotgun) Just so you know, I'm gonna want that back in a minute.
Washington: I said drop your weapons.
Sarge: All my weapons?
Washington: Yes!
Sarge: You sure? Maybe I can just keep the pistol. You know these things aren't quite as effective like they used to be.
Washington: Drop it, now!
Sarge: Well that's what people say. (Drops his pistol)
Washington: Good. Now march.
Sarge: Son, you can insult me. You can ambush me. You can even take away my weapons. But if you think I'm gonna set one single pinkie toe inside a Blue base, without my shotgun, you must not know who you're dealing with.
Washington: I said move.
Sarge: I said... shotgun.
Washington: Yes, I have your shotgun.
Sarge: No, I mean... shot-gun.
Washington: What, you think I'm going to give you your shotgun cause you ask?
Sarge: No! I said SHOTGUN! Shotgun, dammit!
Grif: (From behind the wall) Oh right, shotgun. That's my cue!
Washington: What? Wait. What are you up to? Do I hear a...

(Warthog smashes through the wall)

Washington: ...CAR?!

Chapter 4: Recovering One[edit]

Epsilon: (Seeing the big hole in the wall.) Whoa. Guess they came this way.

Sarge: Simmons! Stop showing off!
Simmons: This isn't on purpose!

Epsilon: I know he's a friend of your, but the guy with the shiny head is kind of an ass hole.

Grif: I have an idea. (Walks over to Epsilon) Hey you! Dip shit!
Epsilon: You talking to me?
Grif: Yeah you! This is all you're fault you stupid piece of junk! You got us into this mess!
Epsilon: Me! It was your friend we had to rescue!
Grif: Ah bull shit! Now the Meta is coming here and he's going to kill all of us starting with you!
Sarge: What are you doing?
Epsilon: I wasn't even looking for you! I was trying to find-
Sarge: Oh I get it. Shut up you over grown ordainment.
Epsilon: Oh now you want to start?!
Grif: Hey! I'm not done with you yet ball bearings!
Epsilon: That's rude.
Sarge: Your mother takes you to the exhaust port.
Epsilon: Hey! Let's leave mothers out of this!

Epsilon: Uh oh, look out. It's the big guy! And there's...
Washington: Get them Meta! Get them!
Epsilon: WASHINGTON!! (Epsilon laser goes of an closed the hole in the wall, dividing them) What?! No! Open it up! Open it up! I have to go back!
Sarge: Go back? Son are you crazy! After what we just through to get out of there?
Epsilon: No! He'll find her! Don't you understand! I can't let them... get to her... first.

Chapter 5: Fourth and Twenty[edit]

Epsilon: What... where am I?
Grif: Shhh! Dude shut up!
Epsilon: No... shut your hole. What's happening? How did I get here?
Grif: Oh shit! Um...
Epsilon: No don't you do it you (Kicks Epsilon away like a soccer ball) FUCKER!!

Grif: (Sees Epsilon landed in the mine field) Uh oh.
Sarge: Grif! What'd you stop for- oh nuts.
Simmons: What? There he is.
Caboose: Oh no. He landed in the middle of the... of the there. The over there
Simmons: So lets get him.
Grif: Yeah, tell you what Simmons. Why don't you get him?
Sarge: We'll secure the area here while you go over there.
Simmons: Okay I don't have time for this. (Walks over to Epsilon and blows up) OW! You knew didn't you.
Caboose: Yeah... kinda.

Chapter 6: Towing Package[edit]

Washington: Get him out of there. I can't talk to him like this.
Meta: (Growls, attempts to pull Doc out)
Doc: What are you- Stop it!
Meta: (Keeps pulling)
Washington: What? Well try pulling harder.
Doc: Be gentle, be GENTLE!
Meta: (Growls)
Washington: Grab lower, near the center of gravity.
Doc: You've got cold hands.
Meta: (Hisses)
Washington: Try the codpiece.
Meta: (Turns towards Washington, growls)
Washington: Oh, we're all adults here.
Meta: (Hisses)
Washington: No I don't want to try.
Doc: Don't repress your feelings.

Chapter 7: Don't Call Me Shirley[edit]

Chapter 8: Perusing The Archive[edit]

Chapter 9: Back Up Plans[edit]

Grif: Um Sarge, what's the plan here?
Sarge: Men, we have the perfect ambush scenario.
Simmons: I agree. Wait, are we the ambushers, or the ambushies? Hey, can you ambush someone that's beating through metal plating to get you?
Sarge: Okay, first we wait for the door to open... (Door breaks down from the inside)
Grif: Door's open.
Sarge: What? (They all finally see who was knocking down the door)
Tex: Okay, so who's first?

Chapter 10: This One Goes Eleven[edit]

Phillis: Alarm! Security breech, level Alpha. All personnel report to duty. This is not a drill.
Simmons: Run!!!
Grif: Oh crap! Where is she?
Simmons: I don't wanna die!
Caboose: Sheila! We have to help them!
Phillis: Help who?
Caboose: The reds! Tex is attacking them, we have to stop her!
Phillis: Stop Agent Texas? Oh no, absolutely not. We should never interfere with an ongoing battle field simulation test. Our job is to observe and document.
Caboose: But she'll kill them!
Phillis: Oh! That would be wonderful! What a successful test!
Sarge: We need to keep moving men, come on double time! Hell I'll settle for single time.
Simmons: Maybe we should just fight, I'm afraid she's going to start picking us off one by (Grabbed by Tex) one! (Thrown against a wall) Ow!
Simmons: Oh man forget this, I need a bigger weapon!
Simmons: Caboose! Help us!
Caboose: How? The computer won't let me! She's mean! This place is filled with mean ladies!
Simmons: Push some buttons, I don't know.
Caboose: Buttons!? Ahh man! I love buttons. Beep bop boop.
Simmons: Wow, that actually worked perfectly. Thanks Caboose!
Caboose: Great!... How the heck did I do that?
Tucker: Hey, Simmons! What the hell's going on in there?
Simmons: We need help! Do you know how to use that thing?
Tucker: My sword? Fuck yeah, I know how to use it. What's there to understand about swish swish stab? It's a fucking sword dude, it's not a fighter jet.
Simmons: Oh, just come help me!

Tucker: (To Tex) Hey Sweet Cheeks! Remember me? Step away from the idiot.
Simmons: Oh God, please don't let her see me.
Caboose: Great! I save Tucker! Oh wait (whispers) I saved Tucker.
Tucker: Caboose! What are you doing? You're messing up my plan with Simmons! I was suppose to distract her for him.
Simmons: You ratted me out, you son of a bitch! (after a teleporter is thrown at him) Oh shit. (after being blown up) Oh shit!!
Tucker: That was awesome (getting hit by Simmons) Ow!

Caboose: Can we use turrets on her? Or some explodey firey things?
Phillis: That would be outside the bounds of my standard safety protocols. I cannot do that.

Grif: What do we do Sarge?
Sarge: I don't know. I never hit a girl in my life!
Simmons: Yeah, I noticed. Try harder!
Simmons: (Getting kicked by Tex) What the fuckkkkkkkkkk. (Tex pins Grif to the ground with her foot and points the shotgun at him) Oh no! Grif!
Sarge: Private Grif! You should be ashamed of yourself! You've run out of ammo again. That's your responsibility.
Grif: (To Sarge) Huh. I guess this is the first time my laziness has ever saved me (being stepped on) life. Protect me cone!
Simmons: Watch it!
Grif: You watch it!
Sarge: You idiots! Lemme show you how it's done.
Grif: Nice demonstration Sarge.
Sarge: Ah, shuddup.
Simmons: Hey guys, look up there.
Tucker: What? Hey Caboose! Remember when I said not to help me? Forget that! I need you to help me! Right now!
Caboose: What holds up that crate?
Phillis: Mechanical controls are on the left side of the console.
Tucker: I can't believed that worked! (looking up) Ah fuck, that didn't work!
Phillis: I knew that would not work, Agent Tex is a bit of a badass.
Grif: We gotta get outta here!
Simmons: We'll be crushed!
Tucker: Don't worry guys, I got this! SWISH!
Grif: We were crushed...
Tucker: Ah fuck berries. Tex could you- (kicked by Tex) Alright, you know what? That's it. Come here.
Simmons: Oh thank God, I thought I was a goner. Sarge, where are you?
Sarge: What happened? I feel defeated. Yet inexplicably rejuvenated.
Tucker: Swish (misses Tex) Fuck. Swoosh. (misses again) Stab! (misses) Goddammit! Ah come on! (sword ripped out of his hand) Ah, that's bullshit. (Tossed in a teleporter)
Grif: Whoa, did you see that?
Simmons: How would I have missed that?
Tucker: (Tex about to stab Tucker but the sword turns off) What's the matter Tex? Having trouble keeping it up? Don't worry it happens to everybody, but not me, ya know.
Sarge: Simmons, that's one of the older models, isn't it?
Simmons: Yeah.
Sarge: Then it should have heat seeking! So lock on and let her rip!
Simmons: Oh. Yeah! Forgot about that!
Tucker: Bitch!!! Dammit I hate this black stuff, what the hell is it?
Grif: There she is!
Tucker: Huh?
Sarge: Get her!
Simmons: Wait guys-
Tucker: I'm not Tex, I'm a blue! And not the blue you're fighting! Leave me the fuck alone!
Grif: Retard.
Tucker: Why are you hitting me? I'm not Tex.
Simmons: Sarge! Hold on, hold on! I think that's Tucker, not Tex!
Tucker: See, I told you! Ow you fucker! Why'd you do that?
Sarge: Force of habit.
Tucker: Man you guys are- Whoa!
Grif: Hey watch it! Whoa whoa whoa. Don't fall in the- Hold still, hold still. I can see her. She's right over there, by the other - Uh oh. (Tex sticks her head up the teleporter)
Tucker: (whispers) Grif, I see her. (Tex punches Grif in the crotch and he falls into the teleporter)
Grif: What is your problem with my balls?
Tucker: Whoa, whoa... Ah, crap. Wow, right to the mount, huh? Not even going to buy me dinner? Oh, I like your style.
Sarge: Simmons! What are you waiting for?
Simmons: They look the same, which one do I shoot?
Tucker: OW! Shoot the one who's winning, dumb ass!
Simmons: Grif, watch it!
Sarge: Wow, she knocked the black right off ya.
Tucker: That's racist.
Sarge: You're all clear, Simmons. Now shoot her!
Simmons: Fire in the whole!
Tucker: (Tex dodges the missile and is leading it to the group) Are you fucking kidding me!? Run!!!!!
Griff: Oh God, not like this. Oh thank God. I thought I was... (explosion goes off) Oh, SHIT!

Grif: (Grif lands on a triangular cinder block, crushing his crotch) Why won't you just kill me?
Epsilon: Hey Tex! (Throws his storage unit body at Tex's head. And shows he has his old body back) How 'bout you pick on somebody your own size?

Chapter 11: Restraining Orders[edit]

Epsilon: (Tex repeatingly hitting Epsilon on the head with the storage unit.) *Bang* Ow *Bang* Ow *Bang* OW! Bang Stop it! *Bang* Tex, you are embarrassing me. *Bang* Ow. *Bang* Stop! *Bang* Ow! *Bang* Hey, are you guy gonna- *Bang* Ow!? Are you gonna help me or not? *Bang* *Bang* STOP IT!!
Sarge: No, buddy. It looks like you have everything under control. We'll just hang back here.
Grif: Yeah, you got some catching up to do.

Chapter 12: Snooze Button[edit]

Washington: Are you going in or not?
Doc: Oh, you mean I have a choice? Then not, I'm going to go with that one.

Washington: Weren't you trained in stress management or something? Calm him down!
Doc: That only works if the person wants to be calm. I don't think he qualifies.

Chapter 13: Battle of the Exes[edit]

Chapter 14: Reconfiguration[edit]

Tex: Yeah, and whatever I didn't learn from Caboose I picked up from the other guys. Didn't take long.
Epsilon: Yeah, we really don't seem to do much.
Tex: Maybe you should get a hobby. Like knitting.
Epsilon: We'll look into it.

Epsilon: I know who you are. You're my girlfriend!
Tex: Well, that was probably the most underwhelming thing I've ever heard.
Epsilon: Hey, lots of ladies would love to be my girlfriend.
Tex: What other women do you even KNOW?

Chapter 15: Check Your Local Listings[edit]

Simmons: Washington use to wet the bed. I'm going to go tell the other guys.

Chapter 16: Standardized Testing[edit]

Grif: I was born to take it easy. Fire it up.

Grif: (speaking really fast) Hey, Sarge! What's up, Sarge? Simmons is doing some experiments and I'm helping him, Sarge! Right now we're doing one where everyone talks really slow and the lights are super bright and I can smell clouds and man, it is so hot in here!!

Chapter 17: Tenth Percentile[edit]

Sarge: I'm not in charge anymore. I quit!

Chapter 18: Rally Cap[edit]

Sarge: Cowboy up Caboose, I'm comin' with you.
Grif: What?
Sarge: I said I'm helping him.
Grif: Who, the blue guy? Why on Earth would you ever help a Blue for no reason?
Sarge: We need some weapons. How'd your equipment test go, Simmons?
Simmons: About as well as you would expect.
Sarge: Heuh, that's too bad.
Grif: Well I'm not going, and you can't make me. You quit, remember? I don't take orders from you any more, and besides, this whole command structure thing was bullshit anyway. We all know that now.
Sarge: I'm not tellin' you ta go. I'm not even askin'.
Grif: You're not?
Sarge: Nope. I'm goin'. That's it. You wanna come, come on. But I don't expect you to. Simmons will probably tell you that statistically, some of us will probably die.
Simmons: All of us.
Sarge: All of us will probably die. But that's not what's important. Let me ask you two a question: You ever wonder why we're here?
Grif: ...
Simmons: ...
Grif: Um, it does seem to be one of life's great mysteries.
Sarge: No, I mean you! What are you doing here? You always act like you wanna quit, but hell, you could've left whenever you wanted. No-one would have stopped ya. So why are you here? And you, Simmons.
Simmons: Me?
Sarge: You say you wanna be in charge. They would have given you your own squad a dozen times over! You know it, and I know it. But you're still, here. And you, Tucker. As much as I hate to admit it, you're actually good at being a soldier.
Tucker: I am?
Sarge: I know you like to make your rude comments, and pretend like it all doesn't matter. But an entire alien race chose you to be their hero! So why are you here? And Caboose... Uh, it's good to see you.
Caboose: Thanks. I'm really enjoying the speech so far.
Sarge: Maybe you're all here because this is the only place you fit in. Maybe it's because you don't have anywhere else to go. Maybe you're all here, because deep down, you want to be here. The reason doesn't matter. What matters is that you're here! For all we know, Tex and Church are dead. That means we're the only ones that know what's happened. The only ones that can prevent them from covering it up. So the way I figure it, these Freelancer guys will use us, take us away from our families, and send us all over the dad-gum galaxy just to test if their agents are ready for the big fight! Well, guess I'm interested in showing them... exactly what a big fight is all about. Time to clean the slate! So I'm not ordering you to go. I ain't even asking. You do what you gotta do, Private Grif.

Chapter 19: Reunion[edit]

Washington: That was the second worst throw... ever... of all time.
Doc: What do you want from me? I ran track in High School.

Sarge: There they are! Land right next to them.
Grif: Right. Land?
Sarge: You do know how to land this vehicle, don't you?
Grif: Sure. That just means stop flying, right?
Sarge: Brace for impact!
Tucker: Aw shit! This is gonna suck!
Caboose: I still haven't gotten my peanuts.

Washington: Let's see how many of your friends survived that.
Epsilon: You know they're not really my friends.
Washington: That's okay, I'm pretty sure none of them survived.

Sarge: Grif! Look what you did to our ship!
Grif: Ah, fuck it. It's a rental.
Sarge: Good point. Fuck it. [Kicks the ship, which falls off the cliff it was teetering on.]

Chapter 20: n+1[edit]

Sarge: (While being choked by the Meta) Hey, Grif! I've lost my shotgun. What am I going to do without my shotgun? SHOTGUN DAMMIT!

Sarge: (Still being choked by the Meta) Hey, Meta, settle a bet would yah? Does that thing look kinda like a big cat to you?


Epsilon Narrating: I’d like to say that I found her right away, that I just walked into the Epsilon unit and there she was, waiting for me. As you can probably guess it didn’t happen that way, but I know she’s in here somewhere, and I’ll find her. We always seem to find each other, for better or for worse. I don’t know why the Director did what he did. I don’t know if he was trying to revive a memory from his past or if he was just trying to get it out of his head. But I figured out something that the Director didn’t. It took Alpha, Delta and all the rest to help piece it together for me, but, what I’ve learned is that a great love is a lot like a good memory. When it’s there, and you know it’s there, but it’s just out of your reach, it can be all that you think about. And you can focus on it and try to force it, but the more you do, the more you seem to push it away. But if you’re patient, and you hold still, well maybe, just maybe, it’ll come to you. I just need to make sure I’m somewhere that she can find me. I think this place is a little different than it was before. See out there, everything is based on the Alpha. But in here, well, I guess I'm the Alpha. And maybe this time through, things will be a little different for me as well. I guess I'll find out.
Tucker: Hey Church, come on. I think the Reds got a new vehicle. Let's check it out.
Caboose: They only gotta jeep. We gotta tank. That's way better.
Epsilon: Okay, I'll be right there.
Epsilon Narrating: And I mean, hell, if you had to live the rest of your life in a memory, you might as well make it a good one.