Red vs. Blue

From Wikiquote

(Redirected from Red vs Blue)
Jump to: navigation, search

Red vs Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles, also known as RvB, is a machinima science fiction comedy series created by Rooster Teeth Productions.

[edit] Church

  • You know what? I fucking hate you.
  • I can't believe I died for this fucking war.
  • It's part of our charm, quit fucking it up!
  • Yes of course, I'm so happy I wanna fuckin' puke.
  • There is no number eleven you fucking whore!
  • [Dying words] Tucker...Tucker! I just want you to know... I always hated you... I always hated you the most, Tucker!
  • [After being infected by O'Malley] That's funny I... I don't feel that different...Meh, meh he, he, he... Uh nope nothing... Huh? That's kinda weird huh?
  • I'm like a fuckin' Jedi with this thing! Oh fuck they're both dead.
  • Wait a minute, did you just call my girlfriend a cow?
  • Caboose I swear to god, if you say anything positive I will fucking kill all three of us right now!
  • Tucker, there is a very fine line between not listening and not caring. I like to think I walk that line everyday.
  • Dibs!

[edit] Tucker

  • Bow chicka bow wow!
  • So what are they doing now?
  • You shot Church you team killing fucktard!
  • Normally I would just shoot at you guys and steal your girlfriends but today is different!
  • Hey, the box is there for a reason. I like thinking inside of it. I feel safe in there.
  • Yeah I don't know the exact military term for it but... We're pretty fucked up down here.
  • Yeah I take care of my kids bitch!
  • Oh I knew you could pick up chicks in the tank!
  • Yeah that's great now hurry up and die you fucking prick.
  • You know what else you might've picked up on: My fucking first name!
  • Women are like Voltron: the more you hook up the better it gets!
  • That's okay we'll just fuck this one!
  • How come I never get the sniper rifle?
  • You don't teach that. That's just genetic.
  • Oh, so you're saying you didn't threaten to cut off my head and give it to Church as a birthday present?

[edit] Caboose

  • You mean Blue vs. Red. Nobody says Red vs. Blue, it sounds stupid when you say it backwards.
  • My name is Michael J. Caboose and I hate BABIES!
  • Oh my god it's spreading!
  • I did not even know that the North Pole was in San Francisco. This changes everything!
  • I am Church's best friend!
  • Okay I am on the radio! This is fun... What do you want to talk about!
  • Ahh! I am dead!
  • I'm never getting married. My dad always told me "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free."
  • Rest in peace PinkyToe...*you shall be avenged*...
  • Maybe it's a key all the time and when you stick into people it unlocks their death.
  • You told me it was another arm.
  • Tucker, we are in the future. Things are very shiny here.
  • I will eat your unhappiness!
  • Time line? Time isn't made of lines. It's made of circles. That is why clocks are round!

[edit] Tex

  • Church it's gone... The AI is gone... Goodbye... Hurk! Bleah...
  • You damaged my voice filter you cockbiting fucktards.
  • Why do you guys keep giving away my postition?
  • Is this a hypothetical question or should we be talking numbers?
  • Hey punk, just know that I don't need my weapon to kill you.

[edit] Sarge

  • You guys gave me CPR for a bullet wound to the head!
  • Why those cunning blue devils! Does their treachery know no bounds?
  • I love senseless violence! I've got a boner for murder!
  • Grif doesn't know what he's talking about? Stop the fuckin' press.
  • Hiyo!
  • Sarge: Oh I feel the worst about Grif. I always made fun of him. I never even told him, he was my son... Naw, I just wanted to screw with him one last time. But now I'll never get that chance!
  • The only good blue is a dead blue.
  • Don't get your panties in a wad there barbie.
  • Put that in a memo entitled, "Shit I already know!"
  • All men are created equal except that I am slightly more equal than you because I am alive and you are dead.
  • Hey Grif, hold these bullets for me. [Shoots Grif with shotgun] In your gut!
  • Simons has captured Grif, which means we're down a man, and that man's kidnapped Grif! Does that make us even? What's one plus turd? Damnit, only Grif could screw up math!
  • Dirtbag...

[edit] Simmons

  • Shotgun!
  • Look do you wanna die in two seconds or do you wanna die a nerd with me five minutes from now...Well?
  • I told you I'm Dutch Irish.
  • Do you ever wonder why we're here?
  • Caboose, come out so I can shoot you, ya fuckstick!
  • YEAH SUCK IT BLUES, AND YOU TOO WHITES, TAKE THAT YOU CRACKERS!
  • Excellent shot and followup one liner, sir.
  • We should totally kill that fucking blue Caboose... What? I didn't mean to say that.
  • You backstabbing assmonkeys.
  • Fuck that shit, shut up and drive bitch!

[edit] Grif

  • Semper Fi bitch!
  • You know one these days, I don't know when, I'm gonna learn to shut my fucking mouth.
  • I'm telling you, it was like four shots. Like BAM! BAM! BAM! ... ... ... Bam.
  • Permission to speak freely, sir...That's really fucking gross.
  • Guess what? They already have a color for lightish-red. You know what it's called? PINK!
  • What are you, a communist?
  • That's it, I'm committing suicide.
  • Did I get your lips? Because maybe now I'll figure out how to kiss Sarge's ass.
  • What suddenly you're a pessimist?
  • So if I'm not on the team, and you're not on the team; nobody's on the goddamn team. The team sucks.
  • My clocks' actually a countdown to the next episode of Battlestar Galactica. Priorities dude.

[edit] Donut

  • It isn't pink! It's lightish red.
  • I'd hate to be the one to point this out guys, but I think we're screwed.
  • [After Simmons calls shotgun] Shotgun's lap!
  • He's been chasing the dragon. He fell off the wagon and shook hands with the devil. He's been riding the wave and tripping the technicolor dreamscape. Far out, man. Druggie loser.
  • Hey bitch! Remember me? I saved something for ya![Chucks a grenade at Tex, killing her] HELL YEAH! THREE POINTS YOU DIRTY WHORE!
  • Oh man, that's a burn! Dude, you just got burned! Burned, dude burned!
  • [Simmons and Griff are druggies] Choose life, Simmons. Choose it!
  • Oh please you're dressed blue. FYI there's kind of a theme around here. I'm red, you're blue.
  • Who wants to hold my ankles while I streach out my hammies?
  • What? Like a spider?...Get it off!!

[edit] O'Malley

  • [Possessing Tex] You have no idea what kind of trouble you guys are in.
  • [Possessing Doc]] I will devour their hearts and crap out their souls! They will all taste oblivion! Which tastes just like Red Bull... Which is disgusting.
  • [Possessing Caboose] Don't ever be alone.
  • [Possessing Caboose] Don't cock block me!
  • Oh, shut up!
  • You fool, can't you see I'm busy with an evil plot!
  • Satan's bunions!
  • [Possessing Simmons] Do it now or I'll every last one of you! And everyone here as well. Just to prove a point. Hahahaha!
  • [Possessing Simmons] Suck it, you fool!
  • [Possessing Simmons] Nothing! Why does something have to be wrong with my voice? Maybe something's wrong with your voice. Ever think about that, cocksucker?
  • [Possessing Caboose again] Muhahahaha... What? What am I doing in this idiot?
  • [Possessing Sarge] Eat lead world. Drop and give me infinity!
  • [Possessing Grif] Huh? That's odd. I have a sudden urge to conquer the universe. Which is awful mean considering I'd have to do actual work. Maybe I'll just doze off to sleep.
  • "It's quiet, too quiet..."[sniper bullet passes his head]"Now it's suddenly too loud. I preferred it when it was quiet."
  • The universe will be mine!

[edit] Washington

  • Well this has been... informative.
  • No sweat off my back. Just one less lie for me to live.
  • I'm not crazy, I'm totally and completely sane. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go blow up that dead body.
  • Well this is center that came up with all the ridiculous scenarios you've suffered through over the years. So have fun. Break some shit.
  • That was the worst throw...ever...of all time.
  • No one died!... Okay, no one besides him.
  • Being wrong isn't a democracy.
  • We've all lost people, Church. What's important is that you remember her... And what's even more important is that you don't slow me down while I'm in the middle of a mission!
  • Oh I'm sorry did something in my actions indicate that I intended to survive?
  • [upon activating the failsafe and finding out that E.M.P is pronounced "emp"] Emp! You gotta be fuckin' kidding ... [cut off by emp]

[edit] Others

Doc: Well even that sounds pretty agressive.

Doc: I lettered in track in high school. It was the least competitive sport I could

Doc: Did they put something in the water here.

Vic: ... I mean a vesectomy, dude.

Vic, Jr: Ow dude, that was my heat sink. Now where the fuck am I gonna sink my heat?

Wyoming: I'm terribly sorry but we're going to have to cut this interrogation short... I'm afraid I don't have time to torture you so I'm just going to have to kill you.

Red Zealot: I regret nothing, I lived as few men dare to dream.

Spoiler warning: Plot, ending, or solution details follow.

Contents

[edit] Season 1

[edit] Why Are We Here? (Episode 1)

Simmons: Hey.
Grif: Yeah?
Simmons: You ever wonder why we're here?
Simmons: The only reason that we set up a red base here is because they have a blue base over there. And the only reason they have a blue base over there is because we have a red base here.
Grif: Yeah, that's because we're fighting each other.
Simmons: No, no, but I mean... even if we were to pull out today, and they were to come and take our base, they would have two bases in the middle of a box canyon. Whoop-dee-fucking-doo.
Tucker: What are they doing?
Church: ...What?!
Tucker: I said, what are they doing now?
Church: God...damn! I'm getting so sick of answering that question--
Tucker: You have a fucking rifle; I can't see shit! Don't bitch at me because I'm not going to just sit up here and play with my dick all day--
Church: Okay, okay, look: They're just standing there and talking, okay? That's all they're doing--that's all they ever do-- is just stand there and talk. That's what they were doing last week, that's what they were doing when you asked me five minutes ago. So five minutes from now, when you ask me "what are they doing?", my answer's gonna be "they're still just talking, and they're still just standing there!"
Tucker: ... What are they talking about?
Church: You know what?.. I fucking hate you.

[edit] Red Gets a Delivery (Episode 2)

[Lopez drives up in a new jeep]
Simmons: Shotgun.
Grif: Shotgun... Fuck!
Sarge: May I introduce, our new Light-Reconnaissance vehicle. (Rotating around the new jeep) It has 4-inch Armor Plating; M.A.G Bumper Suspension; a mounted machine gunner position, and total seating for three. Gentlemen! This is the M12 LRV! I like to call it the 'Warthog'.
Simmons: Why 'Warthog,' Sir?
Sarge: Because 'M12 LRV' is too hard to say in conversation, son.
Grif: No, but, why 'Warthog'? I mean, it doesn't really look like a pig...
Sarge: Say that again?
Grif: I think it looks more like a Puma.
Sarge: What in Sam Hell is a 'Puma'?
Simmons: Uhh, you mean like the shoe company?
Grif: No! Like a Puma! It's a big cat, it's like a lion.
Sarge: You're making that up.
Grif: I'm telling you, it's a real animal.
Sarge: Simmons, I want you to poison Grif's next meal.
Simmons: Yes sir!
Sarge:Look, see these two tow hooks? They look like tusks, and what kind of animal has tusks?
Grif: A walrus.
Sarge: Didn't I just tell you to stop making up animals?!
Tucker: What is that thing?
Church: I dunno. It looks like... Uh... It looks like they've got some sort of car down there. We'd better get back to base and report it.
Tucker: A car?! How come they get a car?!
Church: What are you complaining about, man? We're about to get a tank, in the very next drop.
Tucker: (mutters to himself) You can't pick up chicks in a tank...

[edit] The Rookies (Episode 3)

[The Blues are admiring their new tank]
Caboose: So I say to the guy, "How you going to get the tank down to the planet?" And he goes, "I'll just put it on the ship." And I go, "If you've got a ship that can carry a tank, why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?"
Tucker: Hey kid?
Caboose: Yeah?
Tucker: You're ruining the moment. Shut up.
Simmons: We need you to go to the store and get two quarts of Elbow grease.
Grif: Yeah and, uh, pick up some headlight fluid for the Puma too.
Donut: The what?
Simmons: He means the Warthog.
Grif: You do know where the store is, right, rookie?
Donut: What? A- yeah! Yeah, of course I do. Sure. No problem.
Simmons: Well, get going then.
...
Simmons: How long do you think until he figures out there's no store?
Grif: I'd say... at least a week.

[edit] Head Noob In Charge (Episode 4)

Caboose: What's so important about the flag?
Church: Oh come on, don't they teach you guys anything at training?
Caboose: They didn't tell us anything about a flag. Why is it so important?
Church: Because it's the flag, man. You know it's.. it's the flag! Tucker, you tell him why the flag is so important.
Tucker: Well it's-it's complicated. Its blue, we're blue...
Church: It's just important, okay? Trust us.
[On the Tank]
Church: Well, enough gabbing out of us. Let's take this bad boy out for a spin. Go ahead and hop in, Tucker.
Tucker: Me? I can't drive that thing!
Church: You're telling me you're not armor certified?
Tucker: I can't- I don't even know how to use the fucking sniper rifle. Don't you know how to drive that?
Church: No! H-holy crap! Who is running this army?!

[edit] The Package Is In the Open (Episode 5)

[Through a combination of misunderstandings, Caboose let Donut take the blue flag]
Church: Let me get this straight; you gave this guy our flag...
Caboose: Is that bad?
Church: Bad? Oh no, that's not bad! Next time he comes over, why don't you just help him blow up the whole god damn base?!
Church: All right, that's it! I've had it! Rookie, you stay here. Me and Tucker, we'll head through the teleporter, we'll cut him off at the pass.
Caboose: Right!
Church: Tucker, you ready? Let's go.
Tucker: There is no way I'm going through that thing.
Church: Tucker, we don't have time for this. Why would they give us a teleporter if it doesn't work?
Tucker: I don't know! Why would they give us a tank that no one can drive?
Church: We already tested the teleporter, remember?
Tucker: We threw rocks through it!
[Church convinces Tucker to go through the teleporter at gunpoint]
Tucker: Alright. One... two...
[Tucker runs through the teleporter]
Church: ...
Caboose: Huh. He didn't come out the other side.
Church: Yeah. I've, uh... I've decided I'm not gonna use the teleporter.

[edit] Giga-Whats (Episode 6)

[As Church and Donut argue, Tucker suddenly pops out through the teleporter]
Tucker: THREE!
Church: JESUS!
Donut: HOLY SHIT! Who is this guy!?
Church: What in the hell!? Tucker? Is that you?
Tucker: How did you get up here ahead of me?
Donut: And what's with that black shit on your armor?
Tucker: Hey! Freeze, Sarge! [Tucker levels his weapon at Donut's head]
Donut: Will you stop calling me a Sergeant, I'm still just a Private!
Tucker: The Sarge is still a Private? Oh. My. God. The teleporter sent me back in time!
Donut: Is this guy a retard?
[Annoying ranchero music from the Red Team's Warthog starts playing quietly and gets louder and louder as Church continues talking]
Church: Red, shut up. Tucker, listen to me, you haven't gone back in time, okay? This is the guy that stole our flag, he's just not the Sergeant. Turns out, he's just some dumb rookie who happens to have the same color armor as him. He got in somehow-FOR GOD'S SAKE, WHAT IS THAT MUSIC!?
[Warthog flies over hill towards Church, Tucker and Donut]
Simmons: Whooo-hoooo!
Church: Holy shit!
Tucker: Son of a bitch!
Church: Run! Jesus, run!
Tucker: The jeep followed me back in time!

[edit] Check Out the Threads on That Tank (Episode 7)

[Church and Tucker are ducked behind rocks to avoid gunfire from the jeep]
Church: My God, doesn't that thing ever run out of bullets?
Tucker: You know, in hind-sight, we should have brought the tank.
Church: (Obviously annoyed) Hey, Tucker, what good is a tank gonna do us if nobody here knows how to drive it?
Tucker: Yeah, I can see how hiding behind a rock is a much better strategy.
Church: Well... yeah... but... man, I guess I gotta give that one to you.
[Caboose enters the tank's cockpit, and the engine starts]
Sheila: Hello, and thank you for activating the M8O8V main battle tank. You may call me Sheila.
Caboose: [nervously] Hello... Sheila... big tank lady...
Sheila: Would you like me to run the tutorial program?
...
[Caboose, learning how to drive the tank, has rammed it against a rock with most of the treads off the ground]
Sheila Now that you have mastered driving the M8O8V, let's move on to some of the safety features.
Caboose: No! No, wait, go back! Why are there six pedals if there are only four directions?

[edit] Don't Ph34r the Reaper (Episode 8)

[Church steps out from behind the rock he was hiding behind.]
Church: Hey, Tucker, look at this man, it's the rookie, and he brought the tank out to scare off the reds.
Tucker: What? No way.
Church: [yelling to Caboose] Hey rookie! Good job man! Why didn't you tell us you knew how to drive the tank?
Sheila: [main cannon focuses on Church] New target acquired.
Caboose: That's not a target. That's Church!
Church: Yeah that's right, it's me, Church! What's going on man?
Sheila: Target locked.
Caboose: What? No! Target unlock! Unlock! Please help me nice lady!
Sheila: Firing main cannon.
Caboose: Uh-oh...
Tucker: Uh-oh...
Church: What? Oh... son of a bi-
[Sheila fires and Church goes flying.]
Tucker: You shot Church, you team-killing fucktard!
Church: [gasping] Tucker! Tucker!
Tucker: Church! It's going to be okay, man.
Church: No, I, I-I'm not, I'm not going to make it. Tucker, there's something I need to tell you.
Tucker: [increduously] What is it?
Church: I just wanted you to know... I always hated you. I've always hated you the most.
Tucker: [angrily] Yeah, I know you did. Now hurry up and die, you prick.
Church: Okay. Herrkkk... blaahh.

[edit] After Church (Episode 9)

[Simmons and Grif run back to the base where Donut is standing next to the flag.]
Donut: Where's your car?
Simmons: General Patton here had a great strategy to leave it behind.
Grif: Hey, it would've worked if that tank hadn't shown up.
Donut: You lost the jeep? Oh man, Lopez is gonna be pissed. Where is it?
[Sheila's cannon fires, and the Warthog lands next to them on top of the red base.]
Tucker: Why do you keep firing at the jeep?
Caboose: Because it's locked on!
Tucker: Well, unlock it!
Caboose: The last time I unlocked it, I killed Church!
Tucker: Oh, right... keep shooting at the jeep, then.
[Caboose escapes as Sheila is hit by an air strike, blasting her upside down]
Caboose: Oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap running running running! Man... That was close.
Tucker: Look at your tank though.
Sheila: [in a fading voice, referencing 2001: A space Odyssey] I'm scared Dave. Will I dream? Daaiiissssyyyy... Daaaaiisyyyyyy...
Caboose: [screaming] SHEEEEIIIIIILLLLLLLAAAAAAA!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
Tucker: What? No! Sheila! Sheila! Wait, who's Sheila?
Caboose: [devastated] Sheila's the lady in the tank. She was my friend.
Tucker: Oh, dude! I knew you could pick up chicks in a tank!

[edit] A Shadow of His Former Self (Episode 10)

Vic: This is Blue Command, come in Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha.
Tucker: Hello! Command! We need help.
Vic: Roger that, Blood Gulch, what is your request?
Tucker: I don't know what the technical military term is for it, but we're pretty fucked up down here. We need men.
Vic: ...Dude, how long have you guys been down there?
Church: [disembodied, ghostly] Tucker! Tucker! [Ghost of Church appears]
Tucker: Who the hell are you?
Church: I am the ghost of Church! And I've come back with a warning!
Caboose: You're not Church! Church is blue! You're white!
Church: [normally] Rookie, shut up man! I'm a freakin' ghost! Have you ever seen a blue ghost before?
Caboose: Yeah, that's definitely him.
Church: Now I've got to start over again. [clears throat, reverts to ghostly voice] Tucker! Tucker! I've come back with a warning!
Tucker: Is it really necessary to do the voice?
Church: Alright, that's it. I swear to God, Caboose... your ass is haunted. When we're done here, I'm gonna haunt you.
[Church relates Tex's killing of his old squad via flashback]
Church: The whole thing was over before it even started. Poor Jimmy was the last one to go. Tex walked up to him, pulled Jimmy's skull right out of his head and beat him to death with it.
Tucker: Wait a second... how do you beat someone to death with their own skull? That doesn't seem physically possible.
Church: You know, that's exactly what Jimmy kept screaming.

[edit] Knock Knock. Who's there? Pain. (Episode 11)

[Tucker is standing with Tex, while Tex fires at a target off screen]

Tucker: That's basically it sir. They have five guys over there and a big jeep.
Tex: [Speaks through a voice filter] And your flag. [reloads gun]
Tucker:...Right. That too.

[Tex throws plasma grenade]

Tucker: Hey, Tex? I don't what it's been like at your other bases, but we try to not use other soldiers as target practice here.

[Caboose is standing in front of a rock full of bullet blasts]

Caboose: I'm scared...
[Tex sticks Donut with a plasma grenade]
Grif: What the fuck?
Donut: What?
Simmons: What is that thing?
Donut: What thing?
Grif: There's something on your head.
Donut: What, is it a spider? Get it off!
Simmons: No, it's not a spider. It's like a blue thing...
Donut: What, like a blue spider? Get it off!!
Grif: It's not a spider! Now calm down! It's some kind of fuzzy, pulsating thing...
Donut: That doesn't sound much better than a spider!
Simmons: Does it hurt?
Donut: No.
Simmons: Maybe we should try to take it off.
Grif: Good idea. Go for it.
Simmons: Me? By "we", I mean you, asshole.
Donut: Well, someone needs to get it off. It might be dangerous.
[The plasma grenade explodes]
Grif and Simmons: SON OF A BITCH!

[edit] Down, But Not Out (Episode 12)

Caboose: [Watching Tex through a sniper rifle] Man, he's really kicking their asses.
Tucker: How come I never get the fucking sniper rifle?
Caboose: I'm really glad Tex is on our team and not theirs.
Tucker: Sure makes things a lot easier on us.
Caboose: Yeah... I think switching Tex for Church was a good trade.
Tucker: It definitely seems like your killing Church is working out for us.

[edit] Human Peer Bonding (Episode 13)

Tucker: Let me get this straight... you're telling me that the guy that showed up here, scared the living shit out of us, shot at Caboose and beat the hell out of the reds wasn't a guy at all? That he was a chick? And on top of that, she was your ex-girlfriend?
Church: In a nutshell, yes. That's an excellent summary.
Caboose: I should have known... She didn't like me... Girls, never, like me.
Tucker: Caboose, I don't think anybody likes you.
Caboose: (Dejectedly) I like me...
Church: Will you shut up with that? She got recruited in to some kind of weird experimental program back during basic where, they infused her armor with this really aggressive A.I. I'm not really sure how it all works, but all I know is it made her meaner and tougher than hell.
...
Tucker: So, the military put this program in her head, and that program made her a killer. But underneath it all she's really just a sweet, down-home girl?
Church: Oh hell no. She's always been a rotten bitch, it's just now she's a rotten bitch with cybernetic enhancements.
Tucker: Wow. Sounds like you really won the lottery with that one. Good catch there buddy, she's a keeper.
Church: So how're you doing, Caboose? Are you following any of this whatsoever?
Caboose: I think so... That guy Tex is really a robot, and you're his boyfriend. So that makes you... a gay robot.
Church: Yeah... that's right... I'm a gay robot.

[edit] Roomier Than It Looks (Episode 14)

Tucker: (Over Church's radio, fighting with Caboose) I'm not yelling. I'm just telling you to let me finish talking to Church! No! I'll tell him you said "hi" later. No, you can't talk to him! How could you possibly talk to him on my headset?
Church: [Radio clicks] Oh my God... I can't believe I actually died for this war.
Sarge: They're definitely special-ops. I haven't seen troop movements this coordinated since my days on Sidewi- [Sarge gets possessed by Church] Wakeegeeheerager!
Grif: Sir, are you OK?
Church: Uhh... who ya talking to red? Me?
Grif: No, I'm talking to Lopez, because, you know, that's real rewarding [Lopez swipes at Grif] Hey, what'd I tell you about that?
Church: I..uh..I'm fine! That's...I'm just so mad about, these..uh..goddamn blues out here! They got me so goddamn mad, I could spit! [Church(Sarge) spits in his helmet]
Grif: Um...sir? Did you just spit inside your own helmet?
Church: Uh...yeah. I guess did.
Grif: Permission to speak freely sir?
Church: Go ahead.
Grif: That's really fucking gross.
[Church has broken Tex out of the brig]
Church: Alright, I'll make one more distraction, and then you run up to the teleporter and escape. Ready? One...two...thr- [Caboose fires the sniper rifle, killing Sarge] What the... where did my body go?! Oh... you've gotta be kidding me! [Looks around]
Caboose: Tucker did it!

[edit] How the other half live (Episode 15)

[Just before Sarge returns to the real world from the afterlife]:
Sarge: Will I remember any of this?
Church: Yes, but only if you give me two dollars!

[edit] A Slightly Crueler Cruller (Episode 16)

[Episode starts at Red Base with Donut meeting Simmons and Grif, in a new suit of armour]
Donut: Dude, this is sweet! Command was so happy that I got the Blue flag, they gave me my own color armour!
Grif: ...Uh, hey Donut?
Donut: What?
Simmons: Uh, about your armor...
Donut: What about it?
Simmons: How do I put this? Your armor is, um... It's a little, um... Grif, you wanna help me out here?
Grif: It's pink! Your armor is freakin' pink!
...
Donut: Look at it, it's not pink. It's like, uhhh, a lightish-red.
Grif: Guess what? They already have a color for lightish-red. You know what it's called? Pink!
Donut: I hate you guys...
Sarge: Command was fresh out of speech modules when I started building Lopez, but once I get this baby installed, I'll finally have someone intelligent to talk to! No offense, Simmons.
Simmons: Oh, don't worry, I know who you meant, sir.
Grif: Wait a second, Lopez is a robot?
Simmons: Of course he is! You didn't notice that he never talks?
Grif: I just thought he was a real quiet guy.
Sarge: And the fact that he sleeps standing up and drinks motor oil didn't get your attention?
Grif: W-well, I did think the motor oil was a bit odd. I just thought he was trying to impress me.

[edit] Points of origin (Episode 17)

Tex: As far as I'm concerned, I'm square with you.
Church: I saved you from a life of imprisonment. How the hell are you square with me?
Tex: Because I didn't kill you back at Sidewinder.
Church: You know, I don't really see how not killing somebody is the same thing as doing them a favor.
Tex: Well, if you don't appreciate it, I could just kill you right now.
Church: [before Caboose and Tucker can turn to him] No you can't, I'm already dead, bitch! I guess the joke's on you!
Tucker: So since you're helping us, I guess you're not so mean after all.
Tex: I wouldn't say I'm mean, I just get paid to do mean things.
Tucker: Yeah but you like it.
Tex: Well, I think it's important to enjoy what you do.
Tucker: So let's say I paid you to kill Caboose. [Caboose was told to watch "the base" in case the Reds see them, but he is watching Blue base.] You would still do it, right? Even though you're supposed to be helping us?
Tex: Is this a hypothetical discussion, or should we start talking numbers?
Tucker: Yeah, I don't wanna talk about this any more.

[edit] SPF 0 (Episode 18)

[Around Church's dead body, which was never buried]
Church: Tucker, the first chance we get, you are going to bury my body.
Tucker: Quit your bitching, nothing's going to happen to it.
Church: It's a freaking indignity! My body fought hard for this army, and it deserves to be laid to rest.
Tucker: Get over it, you're already dead. What's the worst that could happen now?
Caboose: Hey Church, Look! Birds! ...Why are they flying around in circles?
[Caboose spies Donut through the rifle scope and believes that he is a girl]
Tex: [from ground level] Uh, you guys realize that I'm a chick, right? And that I'm standin'... right here?
Tucker: Yeah Tex, but when we say a girl, we mean a girl girl.
Tex: And what the hell does that mean?
Caboose and Tucker: ...Nothing! [both quickly back up from the ledge]

[edit] Last one out, hit the lights (Episode 19)

Simmons: You ever wonder why we're here?
Grif: [Pause] No. I never, ever wonder why we're here. Semper Fi, bitch.
Caboose: [Radios Church] Come in, Private Church. Do you copy? Soldier unit Tex almost has the armor vehicle situation rectified. Okay. We require verification of your... mission...ness. [clears throat] How is your progression?
Church: [over radio while possessing Lopez] ¡Caboose! ¡Nadie aquí está escuchando mí!
Caption: Caboose! No one here is listening to me!
Church: ¡No mas puedo hablar español!
Caption: I can only speak Spanish for some reason!
Caboose: [Turns to Tucker] ...He says he wants to talk to you.
Tucker: Crap. Church is gonna be pissed, and now he's got a body to kick our ass.

[edit] Season 2

[edit] Everything old is new again (Episode 20)

Church: Look, I thought we'd established by now: I don’t like either of you, okay? So stop competing for my attention, is not gunna do you any good.
Doc: Excuse me.
Church: Okay. Yes. Hello. Who are you?
Caboose: Don’t. Ever. Be. Alone.
Tucker: He’s doing that thing again...
Caboose: See, uh, he got killed by this, uh... crazy runaway tank-
Tucker[interrupting]: Or the idiot driving it.
Caboose: Oh yeah, and then he became, uh, this really mean ghost, and took over a Mexican robot's body. Oh, and then we had to (that's right) spray-paint him (to make him blue), and now he is alive again, and he is a bionic man. Who is blue.
Doc: I'm a pacifist.
Caboose: You're a thing that babies suck on...
Tucker: No, dude, that's a pedophile.
Church: Tucker, I think he means a pacifier.
Tucker: Oh yeah, right. Man I was... totally thinking about somethin' else.
Church: That’s real classy, Tucker.
Doc: No, I’m just going to check your vitals.
Caboose: I bet I have better vitals than you.
Tucker: ...
Church: ...
Caboose: What’s a vital?

[edit] Motion to adjourn (Episode 21)

Church: Okay, Tucker, I need you to get up there, help Caboose shore up a defense, establish a suppressing fire, and hold that position until further notice.
Tucker: I didn’t even know what half of that meant.
Church: Just go over to Caboose’s rock, and fire your gun a bunch.
Tucker: That rock? Yeah, I don’t think so.
Church: We do not. Have time. To discuss this.
Tucker: Sure, no time for you to discuss it! You get to hang out here with Nancy-no-bullets just shootin the breeze! Meanwhile, I’m out there, running around, eating a machine-gun sandwich.
Church: Tucker, we’re going to give you covering fire!
Tucker: Covering fire? Unless that means you’re going to build a huge, bulletproof wall between me and them, I think you need to come up with a new plan. Preferably one that involves me keeping the same quantity of blood that I have right now.
Church: No problem. Oh, wait, wait, does the blood have to be in your body?
Church: Ok, Doc. I need you to get over to Caboose's position and help him shore up a defense.
DuFresne: My name's not Doc. It's DuFresne.
Church: Yeah, I can't pronounce that. So from now on, your name is Doc.
DuFresne: I dunno if I'm comfortable with that. I'm a medic, not a doctor.
Tucker: What's the difference?
DuFresne: Well, a doctor cures people. A medic just helps people feel more comfortable... while they die.
Tucker: Mental Note: Don't ever get shot.
Church: So it's settled, your name is now Doc.
DuFrense/Doc: Alright, but I don't think it'll stick. (scene pauses, background gets dark; the word "Doc" passes by in big letters)
Tucker: Trust us it'll stick.
Caboose: I can't believe Church shot me!
Church:[irritated, echoing scream from nearby] Oh don't even start Caboose!
Doc: You have a bullet wound in the foot. Is anything else wrong?
Caboose: Uh… Oh! I got one. Uh, well, sometimes, when I fall asleep at night, I think about my parents having sex, and I get really, really mad for some reason.
[pause]
Doc: Okay; I'm just gonna start with the foot.
Tucker: Why did the reds stop firing?
Church: I don't know they are probably out of ammo.
Sarge(From a long distance away): Hey blue team, we are giving you a chance to surrender.
Church: Surrender?

[edit] Red vs. Bleu (Episode 22)

[Tucker is coming up with an excuse on why they cannot return Lopez]
Tucker: He was all like 'Sayonara' and he just took off!
Church: That's not Spanish, you idiot. It's French!
Caboose: Rest in peace, pinky toe...you shall be avenged!
Doc: Can I ask you a question? Did they put something in the water here?
Grif: Water? We ran outta water six months ago.
Doc: No water, then what do you drink?
Grif: Uh, you know, ketchup, uh, soy sauce, gravy, the usual.
Sarge: I only drink the blood of my enemies. And occasionally a strawberry yoo-hoo. Or a sasparilla. Grenadine, straight from the can. Deeelicious. Occasionally I do enjoy a sex on the beach, or a pina colada. [singing] If you like pina coladas... and gettin caught in the rain... if you're not into yoga... Grif just has half a brain.
[Grif is forced to say this after the blues requested reds to admit that they suck]
Grif: I would just like to let everyone know that I suck...
Church: And?
Grif: And that I'm a girl...
Church: What else?
Grif: ... and I like ribbons in my hair ... and I want to kiss all the boys...
Sarge: This may be the best surrender of all time.

[edit] The joy of toggling (Episode 23)

[Sarge berates Grif for chatting with Doc]
Grif: Come on, Sarge, he doesn't even have a gun.
Simmons: Oh, well, you two will be great friends, then. He doesn't have a gun, and you didn't bring any ammo!
Grif: Hey, thanks, kiss-ass! If I wanna take guarding tips from the guy that lost our last prisoner, I'll be sure to ask you!
Donut [to Simmons]: Oh, man, that is a burn! Dude, you just got burned! Burned, dude, burned!
Simmons: Oh shut up.... Your armour's pink.

[edit] Sweet ride (Episode 24)

(The Jeep activates and runs into Doc causing him to land in the Jeep while driving away)

Donut: Hey, he's taking the Jeep!
Doc: HELP, the Jeep is kidnapping me!
Donut: Now he's taunting us. This is just embarrassing.
[The Blues activate the tagetting system on the jeep]
Jeep: Aqquire Target..Red.
Grif: Uh Sarge... you may want to start running... now.
[The rest of the team except Sarge starts running backwards towards the base]
Sarge: Ahhhhhh.......Fudgebumbs
[Sarge is pinned to the base wall by the jeep as the jeep's machine gun begins firing closer and closer to his head.]
Sarge: What a way to go. Killed by my own mechanical creations. I'm sure there's a philosophical lesson to be learned from all this.
Simmons: Something about the dangers of technology and the unwavering pride of mankind?
Sarge: No, something about hiring better help that doesn't just stand around watching you die!

[edit] Last words (Episode 25)

Sarge: Ow! My second kidney! I was saving that for a special occasion.
[Caboose sees Reds approaching behind Tucker and Church]
Caboose: Uh… Church? I think that you should know that the Reds are—
Church [interrupting]: Dammit, Caboose! In the short time I've known you, you've managed to call my girlfriend a slut, blow me up with a tank, shoot me in the head, and now paralyze me from the waist down! So I hope it's not too much for me to ask, just for once, if you'd shut your freakin' mouth!
Simmons: Hey Blues, we're here to -- what the hell are you guys doing?

[edit] Nobody likes you (Episode 26)

[As Doc approaches the Blue base, apparently part of a Red plan]
Caboose: I knew it. We're all gonna die. (points sniper rifle at Tucker's head) Starting with you.

[edit] Nine-tenths of the law (Episode 27)

[Tucker has punched Church to ensure that he was not dreaming]
Church: Tucker, when you think you're dreaming, you don't punch somebody else. You get somebody else to pinch you.
Tucker: Dude, it doesn't matter what kind of dream I'm having, I am not going to ask you to pinch me.

[edit] In stereo where available (Episode 28)

Church [after Tucker throws a grenade through the teleporter]: Cough, cough, who threw that?

[Warthog passes by]

Church: [coughing] Whoah! Wait, why am I coughing? I don't have lungs.
Simmons: Hey Sarge, hold on a sec. Did you see something weird, Sarge?
Sarge: Yes I did. Once when I was a small child, I saw a man who claimed to be my uncle do this thing with a garden hose that still haunts me to this—
Simmons: Whoa, whoa. I mean did you see something weird just now? Like 5 seconds ago.
Sarge: Oh, ... then no.
Simmons: What was all that stuff about your uncle?
Sarge: I keep telling everyone he wasn't my uncle! He wasn't!
Simmons: You wanna talk about it?

[edit] Radar love (Episode 29)

Caboose: Hurry, hurry, hurry, fix the tank! So that I can say hello to Shiela...and start killing everyone!
Tucker: You mean all the Reds?
Caboose: Of course...for starters!
Sheila: Thank you for activating the M808V Main Battle Tank.
Caboose: Sheila! You're fixed! You're fixed!
Sheila: Hello Private Caboose. It is good to see you again. Thank you for repairing me.
Tucker: He didn't fix you, a robot did it.
Caboose: Don't cock-block me!

[edit] I dream of Meanie (Episode 30)

Church: Tucker, there's a very fine line between not listening, and not caring. I like to think that I walk that line every day of my life.

[edit] Room for rent (Episode 31)

Church: Hey Tucker, is that you?
Caboose's mental image of Tucker: No. What, are you stupid? Oh wait, yes, I am me. I guess I'm stupid.

[edit] Me, myself and you (Episode 32)

Caboose's mental image of himself: I see. So you're from the outside. That's where the other is from as well.
Church: The other? Wait, you mean O'Malley? Have you seen him?
Caboose's mental image of Church: Of course he's seen him, you idiot! Do you think Mr. Caboose would miss something like that, you sleazy douchebag fuck?!
Church: Hold on a second. Who the hell are you?
Caboose's mental image of Church: My name is Church, butt-wiping ass-munch!
Church: [To Tex] This guy's kind of an asshole.
Tex: Yeah, we've met.
Caboose's mental image of Church: And I'm Caboose's best friend, so don't get any ideas about kissing up, you lip-lipping fuck-suck!
Church: Okay, there's a lot of stuff in that sentence I didn't like.
Tex: Just play along, Church. We're gonna need this guys if we're gonna find O'Malley.
Caboose's mental image of Tucker: I'm gonna go look for girls.
[Donut, retraces his steps]
Donut: Right. I know it was Tuesday, because that's the day I washed my underwear. And since I don't like to let my armor touch my bare skin, on the account of I chafe really easily, I remember thinkin', [turns towards the Warthog] "Where can I hang out with no pants on?"
Grif: [horrified] Oh God.
Grif: I can not take any more of this.
Donut: So after I clipped my toenails, I was gonna apply the ointment as recommended, but I don't know. It just smelled really funny. So, I decided to taste it, just to make sure it was safe.
Grif: That's it. I'm committing suicide. [Walks away]
Donut: Hey! I didn't finish retracing my steps yet. You don't even know what I did about the boil on my thigh.
[Tucker is riding in Sheila, trying to get her to stop]
Tucker: Oh my God. I can't believe Caboose is smart enough to drive this thing and I'm not. Sheila, how the fuck do I slow you down?
Sheila: Retard, the throttle.
Tucker: What throttle? This throttle?
Sheila: Retard, the controller.
Tucker: You mean this thing? What are you talking about? I'm so confused.
Sheila: The controller, retard.
Tucker: Hey, that's kind of insulting.
Sheila: Retard. Retard. Retard.
Tucker: Oh, come on, now you're just being mean.
Sheila: Retard. Retard. Retard. Retard. [short pause]Retard.

[edit] An audience of dumb (Episode 33)

Sarge:[commenting on Lopez's singing] Whats on the radio now? It sounds like the feral cry of a retarded mexican sasquach!
[Inside Caboose's mind, Church talks to Caboose's mental image of Church, Leonard]
Church: You're not Caboose's best friend, okay? You don't have a best friend. You know why? You don't need one! You're Church! Knowing other people just waters down the experience! Live the dream, buddy!
[confronting O'Malley]
Church: Alright, O'Malley, this is it. From now on, if anybody makes my girlfriend cranky and psychotic; it's gonna be me.
Tex: Aww, that's sweet.
Church: Shut up, Bitch.
Tex: Asshole.

[edit] Aftermath, before biology (Episode 34)

[Doc has just woken up in Blood Gulch; Vic is heard over the intercom]
Vic: Hello, dude? Come in. Doctor-Dude, are you there? Hello? Paging Doctor-Dude, to the radio, STAT. I need 20 ccs of 'what the hell's going on there', dude.
Doc: Ugh...what happened?
Vic: Hey, you tell me dude. One minute we're talking about a hole in the wall; the next thing I know, you turn into Grumps McGurt. Sounded like you needed a lozenge. Threatened to eat my children...not very cool, dude.
Doc: Jeez, did I really? I'm sorry. Something went wrong with my radio and I heard this weird beeping, honking-
Vic: Hey, no offense taken, dude. Don't got any kids anyway.
Doc: What?
Vic: 'Ol Vic's been through the snip-n'-stitch, if you know what I mean.
Doc: I don't wanna hear about that-
Vic: Winky-Blinky the One-Eyed Sergeant's firin' blanks-
Doc: That's weird-
Vic: -if ya get me. It's vayo con dios to the vas deferens.
Doc: Yeah, alright. Enough. I get you.
Vic: I mean a vasectomy, dude.
[Grif learns most of his body parts have been replaced by leftovers]
Grif: [to Sarge] Where did you get the leftovers?
Sarge: Why, from our other subject, of course!
Simmons: Subject my cyborg ass.
Grif: NO WAY.
Simmons: Yeah, I'm really happy for you.
Grif: Did I get your lips? Because then maybe I'll figure out how to kiss Sarge's ass.
[Doc is trying to explain what he's found to Vic]
Doc: I'm just a little dazed. It's a big thing. It- it's purple, it's uh, it's a big purple thing.
Vic: Use your words, dude.

[edit] What's mine is yours (Episode 35)

Grif: Donut, there's no way you can jump that high.
Donut: Yes I can. (jumps) (while jumping a second time) Yes I can.
Simmons: What the hell is he doing?
Grif: Losing a bet.
[[Grif coughs uncontrolibly]
Simmons: Grif whats wrong? Are my lungs ok? Wait a second, are you smoking inside of your helment again?
Grif: What? No. (Exhales smoke)Oops.
Simmons:Dammit, I knew this would happen. And how many snack cakes have you had today?
Grif: None.
Simmons:: ...
Grif: Okay five. ...or more. Baker's dozen at most.
Simmons:Do you even know how many there are in a baker's dozen?
Grif: By my count? Forty eight.

[edit] Nut. Doonut. (Episode 36)

[O'Malley and Doc are conversing in the cave, à la Gollum/Sméagol]
Doc: You know, I really think we should try a non-violent approach to resolve this.
O'Malley: I agree, except replace the word "non" with "extremely", and after the word "violent", include the phrase "blood explosion extraordinaire"!
O'Malley: I will rip out their guts and feast on their entrails!
Doc: But I'm a vegetarian!
O'Malley: I will devour their hearts and crap out their souls! They will all taste oblivion! Which tastes just like Red Bull... which is disgusting.

[edit] Dealer incentive (Episode 37)

[Reds negotiate with the Blues with Church possessing Donut, posing as a prisoner]:
Sarge: What's this? The Blues are giving up? I smell a trap. Or rat. Or rat in a trap. Don't accept, Simmons.
Simmons: You can't surrender, Blues! We haven't attacked you! Now go home and wait for us to attack and then you can surrender!
Grif: Wait. If we accept, that means we will have two surrenders and they will have none. That means we WIN!
Simmons: Win what?
Grif: Uh, I don't know. The war... or something, right?
Simmons: You're an idiot.
Church: [shouting to Reds from a distance] In exchange for not killing us, they, them, we, they would like to (Tucker turns to him and stares at him) release the robot guy and me. [pause] The pink guy.
Tucker: Are you becoming retarded?
Simmons: What should we do, sir?
Sarge: I'm torn, between my intense distrust of the blue team, and the need for plans stored in my favourite robotic creation. No offense, Simmons.
Simmons: None taken, sir. You removed the negative emotional center of my brain, and implanted it in Grif.
Grif: [crying] I CAN'T, I JUST CAN'T TAKE THIS, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!
Church: Yeah, I think they're going for it.

(Tucker gets shot)

Tucker: Oh, MOTHERFUCKER!!
Simmons: OKAY, NOW YOU'RE UNDER ATTACK! GO AND SURRENDER, BITCH!
Sarge: Nice thinking, Simmons.
Grif: [crying] The humanity!
Church: ALRIGHT, THEY SURRENDER!
Tucker: Fuck that. I'm pissed. Let's fight!

[edit] K.I.T. B.F.F. (Episode 38)

[Caboose and Donut in Blue base]
Caboose: I call it nap time. Which is right before food time. And then comes food-nap time! That is my favorite time of them all!
Caboose: Private Doughnut... That sounds like Private Biscuit!
Donut: Yeah, it kinda' does...
Caboose: Thhhaaattt's far enough, Lieutenant McMuffin.

[The Reds and Blues are getting ready to exchange the prisoners and robots]

Church: Prepare for Operation Circle of Confusion.
Tucker: Uh, Church? It kinda looks more like a triangle from down here.
Church: What?
Tucker: I'm just saying it doesn't look like a circle. It kinda looks more like we're forming a triangle.
Church: Okay, fine. Triangle of Confusion. Rhombus of Terror. Parabola of Mystery. WHO CARES!? Get the goddamn show on the road!
Doc: Sorry about the big explosion
O'malley: Yeah, sorry it wasn't bigger!
Tucker: Church, the purple guy, he's...
Church: I know, it's O'Malley, he must have gotten into the medic.
Tucker: No...he's an asshole.
Shiela: Help! He took Lopez!
Doughnut: Wow that guy is fast!
Doc: Thanks! I majored in track in high school; it was the least competitive sport I could find.
Grif: Track sucks.
O'Malley: YOU SUCK!
O'Malley: And now I make my escape with my metallic hostage never to be seen again! Unless I want to be seen. In which case, if I see you before you see me, look out!
[O'Malley has escaped with Lopez and the Reds and Blues find themselves forced to work together]
Grif: So now we're forced to work together. How ironic.
Simmons: No, that's not ironic. Ironic would be if we had to work together to hurt each other.
Donut: No. Ironic would be instead of that guy kidnapping Lopez, Lopez kidnapped him.
Sarge: I think it would be ironic if our guns didn't shoot bullets, but instead squirted a healing salve that cured all wounds.
Caboose: I think it would be ironic if everything was made of iron.

TWO HOURS LATER

Church: Okay. [slowly] We're all agreed that while the current situation is not totally ironic, the fact that we have to work together is odd in an unexpected way that defies our normal circumstances. Is everybody happy with that?

[edit] Season 3

[edit] Best Laid Plans (Episode 39)

Tucker: Uuuuugghhh...
Donut: Come on mister Blue guy, you gotta wake up, wake up!
Tucker: It hurts...just let me die.
Donut: You can't die! I'm bored! All these girls wanna talk about is chick stuff, and not the fun chick stuff like ribbons and unicorns.
[Camera goes to a view where Tex is talking to Sheila behind Donut]
Tex: I don't have treads, but I often find them staring at things they really shouldn't be.
[Camera goes back to Donut]
Donut: You see? Boring stuff, like oppression and a hostile work environment!
Tucker: Get Doc, I need Doc.
Donut: I can't, he got possessed by the evil guy and they escaped! He's the one who shot you, don't you remember?
Tucker: I know, I want him to shoot me again.
Donut: Now, now, now. Sounds like someone's got a case of the poor me's. If you were gonna die, you would have done it by now! Maybe you just need to realize you're gonna to have to live with intense pain.
Tucker: Get that Sarge guy. Have him make me a new body.
Donut: Ugh, we can't. We're out of parts because we overused that joke, and Sarge left with the others to go chase Doc. But don't you worry, they left a long time ago, so I'm sure they'll be back any minute. Simmons had a foolproof plan to catch 'em.
[Camera goes to Simmons in Chiron TL34]
Simmons: Hello? Hello? Is anybody here? Just great, I guess we all got separated in the teleporter.
[Simmons turns on radio]
Simmons: Sarge, this is Simmons 2.0, do you read me? Apparently your plan to chase Lopez and Doc has failed miserably. I appear to be stuck in some sort of nexus of teleporters which should take me anywhere in the universe...or it's the janitors closet. Hell, I don't fuckin' know. Sarge!? Are you there? Sarge!?
[Upon arriving in Battle Creek]
Sarge: Hello? Anyone? Do you read me? Do I read you? Anyone? Anybody? Nobody? Okay. Clicks off radio Well, I don't think the others are coming. We must have gotten separated somehow.
Caboose: My toes, are getting pruney.
Sarge: Ooookay. Why don't we