Russell Peters

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Dominic Peters (born September 29, 1970) is a Canadian comedian and actor. He began performing in Toronto in 1989 and won a gemini award in 2008


Quotes[edit]

Russell Dominic Peters is a stand-up comedian who had done shows all over the world. His father is regularly mentioned in his acts and he has even uploaded various videos of him in real life situations to prove that he has not exagerrated claims about his father in his comedy - an example can be found here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yEL_IuIBLgs.

From Comedy Central: -I was at my parents' house, about a month ago. I was watching TV with my dad, right? And the gay pride parade was on that weekend (Audience member yells out "Woo".. Well whatever makes you happy). And they had a live feed ... well not like a "live feed" (pantomiming fellatio), but they were showing the parade, right? And all of a sudden these 3 gay Indian guys came on the screen .. I don't mean "came" (orgasmic expression) on the screen but they appeared, right? And these 3 gay Indian guys are like, "Hey, we are Indian and we are gay!! We represent the gay South-Asian Community!" And my dad looks at me and goes, "That is disgusting. Do you know them?" I'm like, "Why the hell would I know them?" "Because they are of the gay and you are in the entertainment business."

- I was at this casino in South Africa and I was playing Black Jack... Ok "African-American" Jack. I'm playing 21 right, and I look at the dealer and it was an African dude. I think they put this guy there just to confuse you when you're gambling. Cause I looked at his name tag and I swear to god, the guys name was spelled (exclamation mark) !-X-O-B-I-L-E. I'm like, 'How the hell do you say that?' So I'm not from there, I thought I'd take a shot .. I'm like, 'Yeah, could I get another card there... sobile.. Could I get another card there .. sobile. XObile !!!' See, cause I thought you had to start big, you know, cause the exclamation mark was at the beginning of the name, right? Like, if it was a question mark, I'd be like, 'Xobile??' But it was a exclamation so I'm like, 'XOBILE!' And he looks at me and he goes, "Please do not yell in the casino". 'I'm not yelling, man, I'm just trying to say your name.' He goes, "That is not how you say my name." 'Well, how do you say your name?' I swear to God man, the guy goes, my name is pronounced "*click* bilay." He had a click in his name !!!!!!! The guy's name was !xobile.


From Red, White and Brown:

- *to audience member* Do you know what it is, sir? Do you know what the Dance Dance Revolution is? It's not an actual revolution, so you don't have to worry about that. It's not like a bunch of Asians are going to knock on your door: 'Hey! Start dancing! It's a revolution!'

- (On DDR) The hardest fucking thing I have ever tried in my life. I was one step behind every moment. I was doing so bad the machine even said "Do you even have legs?" It just said that, right in front of the screen. At one point this came up in front of the screen (points his middle finger).

- Just for the record my Arab friends, I don't do any Arab jokes in my act. It's not that I don't think you're funny. It's just .. I don't know, I don't wanna die.

- (On Arabs) He'll look as if he's laughing .. but it's not the same laugh you're all doing. *Arabic accent* Oh, I get it. Funny joke - ha ha ha ha - I guess it's funny. *gibberish in Arabic* I guess it's funny. *to friend* "Don't, don't worry.. I will talk to him after."

- Whenever they show Arabic being spoken on TV, it's usually these crazy people in these protests in the Arab world and all of them speaking this really harsh Arabic: "Khalikokhu kha.. la la la la la FUCK AMERICA!"

- I had this whole impression in my head that Arabic was such a horrible language cuz it's always like "*Arab accent* khakhli o kha!" No wonder their people are so angry - they're vomiting on each other when they talk!

- Basically all they are showing you of the Arab world are the red necks of the Arab world.

- I bet in the Arab world all they show of America is Jerry Springer. "Look at the Americans, they're fucking stupid! He's fucking his cousin! *looks at his cousin* Not like you and me, it's different. They do it dirty. They do some other way. It's different. "

- I knew she was Nigerian because every time she looked at me, she was like "I don't know what to order." Well look at the menu!

-"Why don't you hit him?" Here's a straw - get him yourself!

- Indian people, we are proud of our cheapness. You are never gonna insult us by calling us cheap. That's the best part, you know. You walk up to an Indian guy "You guys are cheap" .. "Thank you for noticing, thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you" "That guy just called you cheap" "No, no, no. He pronounced it 'cheap.' But what he was saying was 'smart.' Very smart he was".

- I will be looking at an Armani shirt or a high end designer and flip the tag and I see made in India, I'm stuck with a real dilemma. I'm like 'Shit, do I buy this shirt or do I call my uncle? I wonder if he knows where this factory is.'

- People go like 'Jews are cheap.' *Indian accent* No, my friend, that is very incorrect, I AM cheap. Jews are thrifty. BIIIIG difference!

- Lets suppose there is a Louis Vuitton store. The Indian guy will walk past this Louis Vuitton store everyday of his life and will never step foot into it. "*Indian accent* not even on their best sale will I be going in there. No thank you". Chinese people, sale or no sale, you are going to Louis Vuitton EVERYDAY. You NEVER buy shit. Sales guy asks you 'Can I help you sir' "*Chinese accent* No, just looking". The minute the sales guy looks the other way, the Chinese guy whips out a camera *sound of camera clicking photos*. Goes home, emails the pictures to Hong Kong. "Make this bag quickly. We'll sell it to the Indians."

- That's a sale you never wanna see happening: A Chinese guy selling an Indian guy a Louis Vuitton bag. Neither of them can say Louis Vuitton properly.
Chinese vendor: Hey Mr. Indian guy, you wanna designer bag?
Indian customer: Whoosis .. whoosis guy?
Chinese vendor: It's a designer bag, his initials are L.V.
Indian customer: *'I don't know' Indian hand motion* Who's this L.V?
Chinese vendor: That's uhh designer initial .. then it has a naaame underneath.
Indian customer: Looos Vyutton .. Who's Looos Voootn? Looos Vutoooon, Loooos Vooon.
Russell: What the fuck are you saying?
Indian customer (probably Russell's dad): I'm reading designer's name: Loos Vootin.
Russell: Why don't you spell what you see?
Russell's dad: Ok, ok, ok Loos .. Looos is Looos, huh? Absolutely, loos is loos. One hundred fifty thousand percent sure .. Loos is Loos.
Russell: I didn't say, "Say it all fucked up", I said, "spell it out!"
Russell's dad: (really slow)WE-U-I-...(fast)T-T-O-N."
That's how we spell letters. We go slow for the first three letters and jog through the rest of the name. We do the same with phone numbers. "212-triple 5-(really fast)3246" And the really fucked up part is we all know the cadence!

- That's an Indian person convincing you of shit. You ever try to buy something and you go like "all right, give me the best price"? "*Indian accent* Sir, I'm telling you, final price, best price, take it and go. Take it... and go. take it and go."

- "Our cheapness changed the world. Indians are so dedicated to being so cheap for so long, that Indian people actually created the number zero. You know how much dedication that took? That means, back in the day some Indian guy was looking at the numeric system. "*indian accent* 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9.. Hmmm.. None of those are amounts I want to pay". Then his friend came along and drew a circle. "What's that?" "Nothing." "What's inside of it?" "Nothing." "What's its walue (value)?" "Nothing... *Sniff* It's beautiful (shedding a tear). We shall call it 'jeero'(zero). Take it and go."

- In India, grown ass men - GROWN ASS MEN - hold hands with other men and walk down the street as if everything's OK! And they don't just hold hands, they are holding fucking pinkies and SWINGING that shit!

- People would walk up to me on the streets. "*Indian accent* RUSSELL, RUSSELL, RUSSELLLLLLLL. Your show last night, russell your show last night. TOO good.. TOOOOO good. First Class. A1. Fantastic. The show was fantastic. The show was mind blasting"."You mean mind blowing"."No, no anything can blow your mind, it BLASTED my mind."

- "*Indian accent* Mr. Peters, I regret to inform you that the hoooootel-" "What?" "The hoooooooooooooootel." "You know there's only one "o" in hotel." "OOOOOOOOOOOkay. The hooootel is haunted."

- I get waken up in the middle of the night by a ghost and I wasn't scared anymore because the ghost had an Indian accent. Do you know how hard it is to be afraid when you get woken in the middle of the night by "*Indian accent* BOOOOOOOOOOO..."

- I bet in Trinidad a guy is taking a shower and writing a fucking song. "oh gosh, i gotta wash my ass. *in a sing song tone* i gotta wash my ass..wash my ass, right cheek, left cheek, in the crease, in the crease, in the crease"

-The media made it unsexy to be hairy.They show you dudes nowdays with no hair. It gets in your head. Now you see a guy running across a beach with no shirt on and no body hair or leg or anywhere at all and women go like "That's how a man should look like." I think that's how a fucking woman should look like.

- Have you ever felt your penis invert before? I had to sit down and pee for a month.

- Honestly, the real reason I shave it down there is to make my dick look bigger, that's why. You mow the lawn, the yard looks bigger.

- The media put that in our heads too. They made us insecure about our penises too. You watch a porno nowadays, you see these guys with these giant hogs on them, fucking Chernobyl waste nuclear reactor dicks on them. You watch that and you go "*sad tone* oh my god, im never gonna have a dick like that" You are not SUPPOSED to have a dick like that. Animals should not have dicks like that.

- I want to see the Chinese team in their huddle. You see all the other countries they say, "All right guys, we are gonna go down there, we are gonna pass the ball around, we are gonna have a good time, GO TEAM". You see the Chinese team "*Chinese accent, player smoking* Hey asshole, listen up. When you see the ball coming,then you go down the field. Chase the gweilo (foreigner) with the ball. Something's going down. BE A MAN!"

- You gotta figure being deaf cant be that bad. Its gotta have a positive side to it. Say you have a girlfriend. No, say you have my ex girlfriend. She's giving you shit, you don't know. All he sees is (animated movements) and all he thinks is "Shes so beautiful when she dances. So much passion"

- They kicked me out of my school and sent me to the retard school down the street. If you had anything wrong with you, you went to my school. You were on a wheelchair, you went to my school. You were on crutches, you went to my school.You were blind, you went to my school.You were deaf, you had behavior problems, you went to my school.My school had ramps all over the fucking place. It looked like Tony Hawk designed my school.

- Everyone in my school knew one thing. Nobody fucked with the deaf kids because deaf kids are strong as shit. They have the strength of 14 gorillas. One of my friends got into a fight with a deaf kid and the deaf kid beat 37 kinds of shit into my friend. He kept bashing him. I dont know if he couldn't hear the sound of the beating but he went berserk. I don't know if he was lip reading wrong. My friend was like, "Stop. OW!" "*deaf kid accent* Stop telling me 'Fuck off!'"

- Jewish people I don't know what you have done to the deaf community. I don't know if they had land you wanted it.

- Arabs, I don't know what the deaf sign for "Arabs" is. Probably (suicide bomber exploding). "La la la la!"

- "*Filipino accent* Then they have the good one, the Basma tai, you know the basma tai, how do you say it? Your bumbai, how do you say it? Your people have come up with the name." "You mean 'basmati'" "Yes, yes that's the one. Its very plaborpul (flavorful) and everything."

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