Law & Order: Special Victims Unit

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (1999- present) is a long-running crime drama, part of the popular Law & Order franchise created by Dick Wolf. The show focuses on the Special Victims Unit, a special squad dealing with sex crimes and crimes against children.

[edit] Opening

Narrator: In the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit. These are their stories.

[edit] Season 1

[edit] Payback [1.1]

[An investigation into the sexually-motivated stabbing of a cab driver leads the detectives on a trail back through time to Bosnian war crimes.]

Stabler: Okay, so it's not a robbery, but stabbings aren't necessarily sexual. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Is there a specific reason you called us out?

Detective: Whoever did this sliced off his "cigar" and took it with him. Is that specific enough?

[Benson and Stabler look at the victim, then look at each other.]

Benson: Works for me.

Jeffries: Doesn't sound like there's much doubt on the COD.

Munch: Do you think your conclusional pole vaults are personality- or gender-driven?

[After testifying in court, during which the defendant flashed the jury and was forcibly removed]

Benson: Hey. How'd it go?

Stabler: He's in Bellevue.

Benson: Jury came back that fast?

Stabler: He waved his flag at them before they had a chance. Nobody saluted.

Benson: Question. Who'd want to cut your penis off?

Victor: Take a number.

Victor: [to Stabler] Hey. You doing anything Saturday night?

[He purses his lips and makes a kissing motion at Stabler. Stabler smiles.]

Stabler: Oh, I'd hurt you.

Cragen: Didn't two of Spicer's married johns take a bust?

Benson: Yeah, about six months ago. Vice was targeting the piers.

Cragen: I'm sure their wives must have been thrilled.

[Munch chuckles behind Cragen. Cragen turns to look at him.]

Cragen: What are you doing?

Munch: Eavesdropping.

Cragen: Good, you're up to speed. What do you say you go interrogate a husband?

Mr. Dupree: You enjoy this, do you?

Cassidy: [laughing] Yeah.

Munch: A military plane drops JFK's coffin into 9,000 feet of water three years after the assassination. You don't find that suggestive, perhaps even a tad disquieting?

Cassidy: No.

Munch: No? The Justice Department waits 33 years before they impart this tidbit on the American people, and then they say they did it because it wasn't evidence? What are you, sheep? Will you believe anything?

Cassidy: [sheep-like] Naaaah.

[Jeffries enters the break room, where Cassidy, Cragen, and Munch are eating lunch.]

Jeffries: You guys going to eat all this?

Munch: Suppose we say yes.

Jeffries: Suppose I'm just being polite.

Munch: That will be a first.

Cassidy: It's cool. John doesn't eat vegetables.

Jeffries: Yeah? The way I heard, that's not all John never gets to...eat.

[Jeffries leaves with a container of Chinese food. Cassidy sucks on his fork.]

Cassidy: Ouch.

Munch: I'm never setting foot in the city of Baltimore again, as long as I'm on this mortal sphere.

Cassidy: Why? You're rich. Did your 20, got your pension, and you're on the job here.

Munch: I earned that pension with the sweat of my mind, while surrounded by intellectual insects. Not to mention the fact that I lost a wife after less than one night of connubial bliss to someone who was not only another detective, but a member of my own squad.

Cragen: We don't get to pick the vic.

[Benson is physical ill after visiting a horribly mutilated blind victim of Serbian ethnic cleansing.]

Stabler: Remember that Tom Hanks movie where he managed the girls' team? [hands Benson a piece of gum] "There's no crying in baseball."

Stabler: So you don't think she murdered him.

Benson: [lying] No. I don't think she murdered him. She said she was in her office until around one. That was after he was killed.

Stabler: And no one else was there.

Benson: And no one else was there.

Stabler: And no one else was there. That is an anti-alibi.

Benson: Look. We know there are two killers, so. How are we going to find the other one?

Stabler: You mean the other one who also didn't do it?

Cragen: I read the autopsy report. Now do you really believe that those two ladies were walking around with five and seven-inch knives in their purses every day?

Benson: I think we did the one thing that's going to allow me to sleep tonight.

Cragen: You just used your "Get out of Jail Free" card on this case, Olivia. There's only one in the pack.

[edit] A Single Life [1.2]

[The apparent murder of a solitary single woman resonates with Benson, who finds too many similarities between herself and the dead girl.]

[The squad is looking at pictures of the victim.]

Stabler: Eight stories up, eight down.

Cassidy: Looks like she was shot out of a cannon.

Cragen: Guy on steroids?

Munch: No, the Yankees are on a road trip.

Stabler: Yeah, they're down in Baltimore, kicking a little Oriole ass.

Benson: How about plain old testosterone-driven rage?

Jeffries: Her boyfriend?

Munch: Or girl. You could toss 100 pounds without breaking a sweat.

Jeffries: Toss you, you skinny-ass geek.

Munch: See? The rage?

Munch: The whole thing's a pyramid scheme.

Cassidy: What whole thing?

Munch: Laptops. We've become a nation of laptoppers, writing orders on our laptops, more laptops- whatever happened to pens?

Munch: [reading the title of one of the victim's articles] "How to build a better orgasm" in "Cosmopolitan." Somebody might kill for this.

Neighbor: Excuse me. How long does that girl's apartment remain a crime scene?

Benson: Why?

Neighbor's husband: We're next on the list for a one-bedroom.

Benson: Queens is a suburb? Since when?

Benson: Yeah, I'm a regular monk.

Stabler: Monkette.

Lawyer: So you're an expert on sex crimes, is that correct?

Cassidy: Well, we all have something to learn.

Lawyer: I'm sure. Can you tell us the technical or "psycho-sexual" term if you will, for fondling a stranger?

Cassidy: [hesitantly] Fromage...?

[Scattered laughter in the court.]

Lawyer: I believe it's "frottage."

Cassidy: Right. "Frottage."

Stabler: This woman makes J.D. Salinger look like a Shriner.

Dr. Daniels's lawyer: He was in Ms. Quinn's apartment briefly, at lunchtime, at her request, to attend to a crisis.

Benson: Or an erection.

Dr. Daniels: That's insulting.

Stabler: Really. I thought it was the absence of one that was insulting.

Journalist: What happened to Big Fatso? Coronary?

Stabler: Nah, retired and moved to Florida.

Journalist: Ah, same diff.

[Questioning a news anchor about his relationship with the victim.]

News anchor: "Knew her." Does anybody ever really know anybody?

Stabler: Don't get philosophical with us. You're just a teleprompter jockey; we're just cops.

Munch: From the Greek, Cassidy, "Necro-", death, "-philia," love of. You try it.

Cassidy: Necrophilia.

Munch: Again.

Cassidy: Necrophilia.

Munch: Or "Egyptian Love" according to Henry Miller. Necrophilia.

Cassidy: Necrophilia.

Munch: Good man.

Benson: [reading] "There's a tiny catfish feared more than the piranha. It's called a-"

Cragen: Candiru.

Stabler: Say what?

Cragen: This is beautiful. Tell him.

Benson: "It will swim right into a man's penis and lodge itself there by erecting sharp spines-" Ow.

Stabler: [adjusts his seat] "Erecting sharp spines." There's a fish with a sense of irony.

Cassidy: Did you know necrophilia is not only with dead people?

Benson: [to Munch] Do you see what you started?

Cassidy: No, I got it off the Net. Supposedly some famous actor out in Hollywood, hires hookers to lie in an ice bath. Waits until they turn blue with the cold before diving in.

Munch: Let's move on. "Compulsive onanism."

Cassidy: "Onanism." [chuckles]

Benson: She was molested, you know that. That cold facade of hers?

Stabler: Maybe it's just living in Colorado.

Benson: She dresses more Fifth Avenue than Rocky Mountain.

Stabler: I'm...having a fashion police blackout.

[edit] ...Or Just Look Like One [1.3]

[When a young model is viciously attacked with a claw hammer and dumped outside a hospital, the SVU teams up with Briscoe and Green to investigate what happened.]

[Briscoe and Green enter the SVU squad room.]

Munch: Hey, Lennie.

Briscoe: It's like a nightmare.

Dr. Olivet: Money, power, respect; supermodels are the Greek goddesses of our time, if you want to believe Camille Paglia.

Briscoe: You are looking at the fruits of four hours of dumpster diving along 59th Street. Nine dumpsters in all.

Stabler: You trying to tell me the two of you went dumpster diving?

Green: Hell, no. We supervised a couple of uniforms. I don't do disposable diapers.

Cragen: Hey Lennie, c'mon. I haven't eaten in an hour. [to Benson and Stabler] You guys go ahead. These guys owe me lunch.

Briscoe: I don't owe him anything. I'm just gonna supervise his doughnut withdrawal.

[Discussing alleged polaroids that Parisi took of underage porn]

Parisi: I have thousands of polaroids. I'm a photographer.

Munch: Yeah. And Larry Flynt's a publisher.

Benson: So where does he hide his dirty pictures?

Stabler: You got three choices: under the bed, in the back of the closet, or amongst boring and unappealing papers.

Benson: I take it that's another guy thing?

Stabler: Yup.

Benson: Munch, do us a favor.

Munch: What?

Benson: Get Parisi to sit in this chair and then suggest to him that Deborah rolled on him.

Munch: Ah, cute. The prisoner's dilemma.

Cassidy: What's that?

Munch: See, we get each to think that the other one confessed.

Cassidy: Damn, I love this job. I'll get Parisi.

[edit] Hysteria [1.4]

[The murder of a young woman in provocative clothing leads detectives to uncover the presence of a pattern killer targeting prostitutes in New York City.]

Jeffries: That's an open and shut case, Munch. Try not to screw it up with your insane rambling. And stop looking at my ass.

Stabler: I'd never let my daughters go out dressed like that.

Benson: Yeah, right. Just wait.

Stabler: What does that mean?

Munch: Back to the dead whore.

Jeffries: Jerkwad. Have some respect for the victim.

Munch: Hey, I respect hookers. At least they earn their money up front, unlike ex-wives, who get you with that lucrative back-end deal.

Jeffries: So you're saying all women are whores?

Munch: Don't be ridiculous. I don't know all the women in the world.

Cragen: Children!

Cragen: When you were at the 3-1, did you know a cop named Sal D'Angelo?

Briscoe: The 70s are a blur.

Cragen: Tell me about it. Closest I ever came to time travel.

Briscoe: D'Angelo's a bastard. C'mon. So are you. So am I. We're all bastards.

[edit] Wanderlust [1.5]

[The murder of a travel writer brings detectives to concentrate on his landlord and her daughter.]

[After reading aloud an excerpt from a travel book written by the victim.]

Munch: His wanderlust is one adverb short of Robert James Waller.

Jeffries: "The Bridges of Madison County."

Cassidy: That was incredible.

Munch: How about incredibly banal? Short and muscular sentences displaying total absence of original thinking.

Cassidy: I was talking about the movie.

Munch: Unnerving, isn't it? That such a degrading death could overshadow such a remarkable life?

Cassidy: It's like Rockefeller dying on top of his mistress.

Munch: It's still my preferred way to go.

Stabler: Drama's a major food group for teenage girls.

Munch: It's true a good Mrs. Robinson's hard to find, but women maturing faster than men? Conspiracy. The government's been covering up the harmful side-effects of RBGH, a hormone that farmers are using to produce more milk.

Cassidy: Like McGwire taking Creatine to bulk up, right?

Munch: The farmers don't take the hormones, Cassidy. The cows do.

Jeffries: So is there anything you just...accept?

Munch: Yeah. Compliments.

Jeffries: No wonder you're so skeptical.

Cragen: Your feelings will always be a part of your police work. The more you try to deny that, the more control they'll have over you. We work with different permutations of sex all day, sometimes all night long. Don't worry when you feel something. Worry when you don't.

[edit] Sophomore Jinx [1.6]

[A rape/murder at Cragen's old school pits detectives against a secretive administration determined to protect their prize basketball team, while Munch finds himself sympathizing with an intelligent suspect.]

Stabler: What do you think we're looking for, a rock, a brick, maybe?

Uniform: Who's going to look for that?

[Stabler and Benson look at him.]

Uniform: Me?

Benson: Yes.

Benson: Blood alcohol level was .27.

Cragen: Wow. Triple the limit. There was a time I yearned for a girl who could drink like that.

[Munch and Cassidy interview Mosley, a college basketball player.]

Munch: So you and Jean studied French literature?

Mosley: Yeah, why?

Munch: Well, I mean, "Communications," "Basics of Broadcasting..." But Rimbaud?

Mosley: Sure. I know that "First Blood" speaks of the existential angst of being jerked around by forces beyond your control.

[Cassidy looks bewildered. Munch and Cassidy leave the interrogation room.]

Cassidy: ...What did he say?

Munch: What a wonderful job he thinks the police are doing.

[On being ordered to produce a semen sample.]

Basketball player: I can't do this.

Stabler: What, you have a fight with your right hand?

Stabler: I never lived in a dorm. That's what I wanted to do. I even knew where.

Benson: Where?

Stabler: Are you ready for this? Everglades University.

Benson: Everglades?

Stabler: Yeah. Playboy magazine rated universities by their sexual temperature. E.U., always at the top of the list.

Benson: Beautiful. I can see you had your priorities in order.

Stabler: Thank you.

[Reporting on a sperm count of the two suspects.]

Jeffries: Cougar and Mosley's little swimmers were shipshape.

Munch: No kidding.

Jeffries: Yeah- remember when, John?

Munch: I could say the same thing to you, babe.

Carmichael: What did they call it before we invented the terms "date rape" and "sexual harassment?"

Cragen: "Boys will be boys?"

Carmichael: I need physical evidence on the murder.

Cragen: We'll need to recanvass the crime scene.

Carmichael: Do that. Meanwhile, search his home and office.

Cragen: I think I'm falling in love with you, Abby.

Lawyer: C'mon, miss, you're badgering my client.

Benson: It's "Detective," not "miss."

Mrs. Mosley: [welcoming Cassidy and Munch into her home] Charles. It's Mutt and Jeff.

Cassidy: [to Munch] Which one's Mutt?

[edit] Uncivilized [1.7]

[The SVU team is hit hard by the molestation and murder of an 8 year old boy, and attention focuses on a registered sex offender living in the neighborhood.]

Cassidy: You ever think about having kids?

Munch: Why, when I have you?

Munch: Look, when something out of the ordinary happens, you look for what else is out of the ordinary before the out of ordinary happens.

Mark: Don't patronize (pronouncing it patron-ize) me.

Munch: Actually, it's pat-ronize.

Munch: When I was a little kid, my parents told me never to eat sweets.

Cragen: So as an adult you overcompensate?

Munch: Yeah.

Cassidy: I'm guessing your parents also said you should never get married.

Advocate: Not all sex offenders are repeat offenders.

Stabler: You show me a first time offender, I'll show you a guy who's never been caught before.

[edit] Stalked [1.8]

[An rape-homicide hits close to home when the victim is an Assistant District Attorney, and SVU rallies when the murderer fixates on Benson.]

[Munch gestures to Cassidy.]

Munch: We've only been partners a few months but the man is starting to think like me. Only slower.

Cassidy: Yeah, go ahead. Rain on my parade.

Munch: I don't just want to rain on your parade. I want to blow up all the floats.

[Munch wiggles his finger through a doughnut at a parolee who was convicted of forcible sodomy and is currently working at a doughnut bakery.]

Munch: Does this turn you on?

Parolee: What do you want?

Munch: Isn't it a little dangerous for you to be around all these helpless doughnuts?

Munch: Guys, check this out. Teddy Kennedy lands in the water at Chappaquiddick on July 18th. Neil Armstrong lands on the moon July 20th. Think about that.

Jeffries: And?

Munch: You don't find that amazing?

Jeffries: Nope.

Stabler: You're learning, Jeffries.

Benson: He's stalking her.

Cragen: Impossible. We don't have a stalking statute in New York, ergo there's no way to stalk anyone.

[Upon hearing news that one of their suspects was found dead of an overdose in a small town by the Canadian mounties.]

Munch: Poor guy.

Benson: Poor guy?

Munch: Imagine trying to score smack in a place called Moosonee. Must've been hell. Easier to cop yak turds.

Benson: I sure as hell wouldn't drive to Queens to save your ass.

Stabler: Yeah you would.

Benson: Well, that's only because you have a wife and kids.

[edit] Stocks & Bondage [1.9]

[The puzzling death of a heavily pierced and scarred investment analyst could be suicide, accident, or homicide. But the course of the investigation opens up a whole different can of worms when the victim's employer comes under scrutiny.]

Cassidy: I don't get S&M. I mean, "Hurt me, that turns me on?" Come on, what's up with that?

Munch: It starts with the tattoos. Once you get the ink, it's just a matter of time before you're begging to be tied up and spanked.

Cassidy: Yeah, tattoos are just the gateway to the sexual dark side, my friend.

[Stabler slings his arm around Cassidy's shoulders and bares his tattooed arm.]

Stabler: You guys have finally figured me out, huh?

Jeffries: Seriously. Did you get off on the tiny little pinpricks of pain?

Stabler: No, I get that from working with you.

Munch: The powers that be always protect themselves and the FBI are their hired guns-

Cassidy: [finishes for him] -fronting for the Trilateral Council, the World Bank, and the Mansons.

Cragen: Masons.

[edit] Closure [1.10]

[An episode follows an investigation into the dead case rape of a young woman named Harper, from the point the rapist leaves to the identification of the suspect six months later.]

Stabler: How long you been sleeping with Cassidy?

Benson: Uh, I'm not.

Stabler: Your stomach just dropped two floors, Olivia. The unconscious does not lie.

Benson: I'm not lying. (beat)Not much.

Benson: Is it that obvious?

Stabler: I'm your partner. For better or worse.

Cassidy: When you get married-

Benson: If I get married.

Cassidy: As long as you have this job, your marriage will be an affair.

Cragen: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I ask that you smell the defendant.

Stabler: You get to Tribeca a lot?

Lawyer: You don't have to answer that.

Stabler: What questions can your client answer?

Lawyer: Anything that's a matter of public record. I want to know what my client's being charged with.

Munch: (to Stabler)You don't have to answer that.

[edit] Bad Blood [1.11]

[The murder of a gay man on the rooftop of a building could be a hate crime that leads back to his own family, the wealthy and influential leaders of a moral coalition that believes homosexuality can be cured.]

[Munch walks into the squad room and finds his colleagues filling out forms.]

Cragen: Police union found us better health insurance.

Cassidy: This form is longer than the last book I read.

Munch: Don't you see what they're doing?

Jeffries: Yeah, they're looking out for you, Munch. Psychiatric coverage increased to 80%.

[Cassidy turns his form back in to Cragen, who looks at it.]

Cragen: Uh, there's two "R"s in "hemorrhoids."

[The rest of the squad looks at Cassidy.]

Cassidy: I'm a desk jockey. What do you want from me?

[Regarding a pending interrogation.]

Munch: More specifically, he's mad at you.

Stabler: Which is why we thought you'd have better luck with him.

Benson: Yeah, I mean you're smart and God knows you're patient.

[Munch goes in to interrogate the suspect.]

Hale: I am not a homosexual.

Munch: Okay.

Hale: Part of my job was to keep an eye on Seth. Mr. Langdon is seriously eyeing a run for a congressional seat. But the scandal of having an openly homosexual son- well, look at the damage a lesbian sister caused Newt.

Munch: Actually, she was a half-sister.

Hale: She may have been a half-sister, but unfortunately for Newt, she was all lesbian.

Munch: You don't think Newt's problems had anything to do with his ethics violations or him being a pedantic megalomaniac who espouses family values while serving his cancer-stricken wife with divorce papers while she's on her hospital deathbed? Did that ever occur to you?

[Cragen turns away from the window, where he is monitoring the interview.]

Cragen: Anybody know where Cassidy is?

[Cut to new scene. Cassidy is now interviewing the suspect.]

[edit] Russian Love Poem [1.12]

[Discussing the embarrassing death scene of the victim.]

Munch: They still didn't have to shove a banana where the sun don't shine. That's just rude.

[Discussing the victim's love life.]

Cassidy: For a 50 year old, this guy had a lot of energy.

Cragen: What's that supposed to imply?

Cassidy: Oh, nothing. I'm sure you and John have just as much.

Katya: This is America. You can't do this.

Benson: Sweetheart, let me let you in on a little secret. Cops are the same everywhere.

[edit] Disrobed [1.13]

[The murder of a judge leads SVU to a prison for pay scandal involving the purchase of sentences and paroles for criminals.]

Munch: Nice view.

Cassidy: Yeah, at night, too.

Munch: You've been here at night, too?

Cassidy: Yeah, you know. On a...a case.

Munch: Case of what?

Cassidy: Well, you know, like a...like a date. With a friend.

Munch: What friend is that?

Cassidy: Guy. Buddy of mine. Pal.

Munch: Uh huh.

Cassidy: What?

Munch: I want you to seal this crime scene tighter than an accountant's ass.

Munch: Afternoons he often spent at the library. He told his secretary he needed time alone.

Cassidy: To think deep, legal thoughts behind the wheel of his Caddy, fly open to the breeze.

Munch: "Hello and welcome to Parole Fone. If you want to pay with sex, press one. To make a donation to a phony charity, press two."

Cragen: Let her go.

Stabler: Why?

Cragen: Because her attorney said we have to.

Attorney: Alright. I'm asking.

Cragen: If I could, I would exhume the body and kick his ass.

[To an abusive husband in prison hitting on Benson.]

Stabler: Why don't you play "The Dating Game" with someone who shares your clinical diagnosis.

Cassidy: Whatever.

Munch: My generation pioneered that succinct abstraction, but to me it still means diddly.

[edit] Limitations [1.14]

Elliot Stabler: Alright, we're going to talk to some of the detectives who originally investigates.

Don Cragen: Munch, that okay with you?

John Munch: Sure, it'd be like visiting the Special Victims Unit alumni association. All the people that used to sit at these desks. Where are they now?

Jennifer Neal [about her rapist]: He's a changed man. We prayed together.

Elliot Stabler: (incredulously) You prayed with your rapist.

Jennifer Neal: Yeah. To turn him in after that would be a betrayal.

Victoria Kraft: (to Jennifer Neal about their rapist) You have the power of life and death over this piece of crap.

Jennifer Neal: I don't want that kind of power.

Victoria Kraft: But's true, isn't it? So just drop the Lamb of God rap and tell us his name.

[edit] Entitled [1.15]

John Munch: Vanity, thy name is woman.

Monique Jeffries: It's frailty, not vanity, you misogynist.

Jack McCoy: I hope to God we're right on this.

Don Cragen: I hear Logan's learning to love Staten Island.

John Munch: One minute you're getting your doorknob polished, the next you're sweet talking St. Peter.

John Munch [to Rodgers]: Will you ever have dinner with me?

Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers: Not while I can still feed myself.

Monique Jeffries: He was shot with a Black Talon?!

John Munch: Cop killers. They haven't been made since 1994.

Monique Jeffries: Yeah, because they killed too many cops.

John Munch: Nah, the real reason was, it was instantly recognizable. Bullet makers want anonymity. If you can't prove where the bullet was made, you can't sue the manufacturer. Where would we be without lawyers?

Helen Katish: (looking at a line-up) Number three.

Don Cragen: Are you sure?

Helen Katish: Yeah. It was dark, but it wasn't that dark. I'd remember him 'til the day I die. That face, those glasses…

Elliot Stabler: It's not an audition, Ms. Katish, just, are you sure?

Helen Katish: All right. How's this? And the winner is, number three!

John Munch: (yelling at Arthur Pruitt) You're enjoying this, these little guys trying to sweet-talk you into giving us a little crumb of information.

Arthur Pruitt: Oh yeah, yeah, it's the high point of my life.

John Munch: Better than shooting those people in cold blood, you little reptilian geek?!

Arthur Pruitt: Oh it's bad cop now, right?

John Munch: (screams) You bet your ass!

Monique Jeffries: John, easy.

John Munch: (in a loud tone) You did it, you piece of crap. I know it, you know it.

Monique Jeffries: Seriously, some on.

John Munch: No, I'm going to kill this guy myself.

Arthur Pruitt: (speaking to Jeffries about Munch) Call him off, call him off.

John Munch: I'm gonna Mike Tyson you, you bastard!

Arthur Pruitt: Come on. Is this legal?

Monique Jeffires: Probably not.

John Munch: (whispering in Pruitt's ear) I'm gonna kill you, I'm gonna kill you, I'm gonna kill you.

[edit] The Third Guy [1.16]

Don Cragen [to Dr. Skoda]: How could you give the defense that kind of ammunition in writing? I asked you...

Dr. Emil Skoda: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I put a little sticky on your desk by his DD5, that's all.

Elliot Stabler: Well, what was on this bombshell sticky?

Dr. Emil Skoda: "Retarded," and a question mark.

John Munch [to Alfonso]: Look at me, take a good look. In 15 years, you're gonna be as old as I am.

Olivia Benson [to Carlos]: You jerk us around, you jerk your deal off the table.

John Munch [about Jimmy Walp]: He was fired from McDonald's. That alone will win the case for him.

[edit] Misleader [1.17]

John Munch: Not the Benjamin Hadley? More powerful than Pat Robertson, able to leap a tall Democrat in a single bound, President of Midvale College, which used to be a Podunk nothing; now it's suddenly a think tank for the neo-conservative movement?

Olivia Benson: Although that's an oxymoron.

John Munch: I love you, Olivia.

Olivia Benson: I always carry at least a pair of earrings in my purse.

Elliot Stabler: Yeah, like you carry a purse.

Olivia Benson: That's 'cause you carry it for me.

Burglary Detective: Why don't you take all the burglaries in Manhattan?

Olivia Benson: We only want the one where the burglar spills his seed in the victim's u-trou.

Burglary Detective: So we didn't call you. So no one wants to call you. Ever. You know. You guys are up to your necks in perversity 24/7 and my men don't understand why it is you picked your squad.

Elliot Stabler: It's people like you that makes our squad necessary.

Burglary Detective: Yeah. Well, my people don't want whatever it is you got. You're tainted. Ten bucks says the only other cops you hang out with are Brooklyn SVU.

Elliot Stabler: You lose. Bronx SVU.

Elliot Stabler: (to the burglary detective) Don't touch me. I don't like to be touched.

Olivia Benson: Frick and Frack.

Elliot Stabler: Alfonse and Gaston.

John Munch: Slappy and Happy.

Monique Jeffries: You know how it is. You spend time with someone, eventually they will corrupt you.

John Munch: Sure. It's a major historical force that drags great people to the lowest common denominator.

Olivia Benson: With you around, we're all doomed.

[edit] Chat Room [1.18]

Keith: They're just pictures.

Elliot Stabler [screams]: THEY'RE NOT JUST PICTURES! They're underaged girls, they're scared, drugged and being photographed without their permission.

Elliot Stabler: (to Keith) Look. Someone comes to me and says they want to store illegal stuff in my garage, he's either my best friend or I'm getting something out of the deal.

Kathy Stabler: (to Elliot about Internet predators) Why can't you arrest them? You know they're out there.

Elliot Stabler: (gesturing to the computer across the room) Honey, they're in here.

Elliot Stabler [to Cragen about a victim's story]: He flashed her. He perved her in ways she's not even aware of.

Don Cragen: Okay. How about this? He entered into an improper relationship with a minor.

Elliot Stabler: You just said no real sex. According to her story.

Don Cragen: He doesn't know that. He doesn't know what she told us.

Elliot Stabler: Oh. Now, Captain. You're not suggesting we lie to the poor man, are ya?

Don Cragen: Absolutely not. Role-playing. Fantasy. Make-believe. That crap he's been peddling to us about victimless crimes.

Maureen Stabler [to Elliot]: When are you going to start trusting me?

Elliot Stabler: I trust you. Look, sometimes I bring my work home with me. Right now, I'm chasing this guy out there in ... cyberspace who goes after little girls. You know how I lock up all the doors and windows? (Maureen nods) Now they're coming in through there. This is about fear. This is not about trust.

Maureen Stabler: Stop reading my e-mail.

Elliot Stabler: Okay. I promise. And I'm sorry.

[edit] Contact [1.19]

Sal Avelino's Attorney: My client wants to be first in line.

Don Cragen: You want to be number one. What, is that your lucky number or something?

Sal Avelino: Yeah, it happens to be my lucky number.

Don Cragen: Number one it is. Good luck.

Nick Ganzner [to Olivia]: You close your eyes ... is that it ... to have sex?

Olivia Benson: I have sex with my eyes wide open.

Don Cragen [to Olivia]: Never turn your back on a reporter.

John Munch [to a transit cop]: I'd like you to sit on the 3rd rail.

[edit] Remorse [1.20]

John Munch [to P.K.]: Got a name for this guy?

P.K. : Tommy something ... Irish.

Monique Jeffries: There are, like, two million Irish in New York, P.K.

P.K. [gives a thumbs up]: Good luck.

CSU Tech [to Munch about Sarah Logan]: I don't think she suffered.

John Munch: She suffered.

CSU Tech: I mean she was killed instantly.

John Munch: I know what you mean.

John Munch [to P.K.]: Go buy yourself a blunt.

[edit] Nocturne [1.21]

Elizabeth Stabler [to Elliot]: Daddy, why does Christmas only come once a year?

Elliot Stabler: Because Santa Claus's credit cards are all maxed out.

Olivia Benson [to Elliot]: I bet I know what you're thinking.

Elliot Stabler: Bet you don't.

Olivia Benson: Even the best parents can't protect their children.

Elliot Stabler: Gutter at home. Part of it is broken. I need to fix it.

Olivia Benson: Well, you can't do everything.

Elliot Stabler: You'd feel everything for them if you could. All the pain.

Olivia Benson: Sometimes I just look at the kids and I think, "Why? Why do it at all?"

Elliot Stabler: Because you want to more than anything in the world. 'Cause you want to love them every day.

[edit] Slaves [1.22]

[Benson is interrogating a suspect]]

Randolph Morrow: Honey, I'd like a mineral water, no ice.

Benson: And I'd like your balls in a blender, but ain't life a bitch?

[Stabler is talking to a police psychiatrist after a particularly brutal case]

Psychiatrist: How long does a case like this stay with you?

Stabler: A while.

Psychiatrist: What do you do to turn it off?

Stabler: Go home, kiss my wife, hug my kids.

Psychiatrist: You see them in the victims, don't you?

Stabler: [pause] Have you ever seen an eight-year-old with no soul? I have.

Psychiatrist: And what do you do when you see that?

Stabler: I think about people who do those sorts of things.... and I think about how I could get away with killing them.

[edit] Season 2

[edit] Wrong Is Right [2.1]

Alex Cabot: Captain Cragen!

Don Cragen: Ms. Cabot?

Alex Cabot: Alex.

Don Cragen: Yeah. Right. Of course.

Alex Cabot: Let's not start off on the wrong foot. My assignment to SVU preceded the "behavior problems" under you command.

Don Cragen: Behavioral problems?

Alex Cabot: I'm trying to be polite.

Don Cragen: Tip-toeing around the road kill?

Alex Cabot: Where there's smoke...

Don Cragen: Who do you sleep with Ms. Cabot? Are you so new at this that you haven't run into somebody you wanted skip due process with? I'll apprise you ASAP, if ASAP can be tomorrow, you understand I have "behavioral problems".

Alex Cabot: You want me to secure a search warrant for the offices of a defense contractor to search classified, national security files for evidence in a sexually motivated homicide?

John Munch: Is that a problem?

Alex Cabot: [sighs, picks up the phone and dials] Judge Hermann, please. [pause] This is Alex Cabot with the D.A's office. [pause] Uncle Bill... look, I need a favor.

John Munch: Reevaluation stinks.

Monique Jeffries: Truly. Best crime stats in 30 years and they're reevaluating?

John Munch: It's how it works. We get rid of the criminals they fear, they start fearing us. Public hates tough cops 'til they need one.

Alex Cabot: (to Michael Goren) A child molester only has power as long as his secret is kept. You tell the truth, his power is gone.

Dr. Emil Skoda [to Elliot]: How long have you been on the force?

Elliot Stabler: 14 years.

Dr. Emil Skoda: In all those years, how many murders have actually made sense?

Elliot Stabler: None. But ... some I understood.

Dr. Emil Skoda: But this one ... you let get under your skin. Why?

Elliot Stabler: This one my daughter saw.

Olivia Benson [to Elliot about talking to Dr. Skoda]: Hey. How'd it go?

Elliot Stabler: I talked too much. Again.

Elliot Stabler: You're protecting your win-loss ratio.

Don Cragen: Elliot.

Alex Cabot: It's okay, Captain. Detective Stabler's judgment is clouded by the stress of the Morris Commission's review and the fact that Michael did what he fantasizes about: kill a perpetrator.

Don Cragen: It's not my fantasy and I stand with Detective Stabler on this.

Elliot Stabler [to Maureen]: What are you doing up?

Maureen Stabler: I couldn't sleep.

Elliot Stabler: What's the matter? You got nightmares?

Maureen Stabler: You have to sleep to have nightmares.

Elliot Stabler: Right. What was I thinking? You want something to drink?

Maureen Stabler: No. Dad. What that boy Michael did to that man...

Elliot Stabler: That man was supposed to take care of Michael. And instead he molested him. He abused him physically, he betrayed his trust and I think Michael...just had enough.

Maureen Stabler: So what happens now?

Elliot Stabler: He's probably gonna go to prison. All he's gotta do is tell the truth. What is it with you kids?

Maureen Stabler: It's hard to talk to adults.

Elliot Stabler: Why?

Maureen Stabler: You're always judging us. You expect us to be like you and get mad if we're not. It's just easier to talk to our friends.

Elliot Stabler: What if you don't have any friends?

Maureen Stabler: Everybody's got friends.

Don Cragen [to the Morris Commission]: This little boy's mother stuck his hands on a frying pan until his fingers burned off ... this rape victim required 12 hours of surgery to have a steel plate put into her head after her attacker pummeled her with a claw hammer ... this one didn't make it ... is there anybody on this panel who doesn't share Detective Stabler's anger for the perpetrators? This man is a good cop. As his commanding officer, I stand with him and every good cop who faces these horrors day after day and has the strength to keep his impulses in check. Now if you can look at these pictures and not understand that, the problem here isn't Elliot Stabler, is it?

(After Elliot talks with Cragen about the Morris Commission hearing about if he could keep his job)

Kathy Stabler: So?

Elliot Stabler: The Morris Commission cleared me.

[edit] Honor [2.2]

Alex Cabot: A man stands up and takes responsibility. A man isn't afraid to face the consequences of his actions.

Elliot Stabler: Wilding's back in vogue.

Olivia Benson: I hate that word: "wilding." Like it's some kind of party.

Don Cragen: It's pucker time, folks!

Don Cragen [about the victim, Nafeesa Amir]: What, it's her fault she was raped?

Olivia Benson: She brought shame and dishonor to her family. They behead women for that where she comes from.

John Munch: My first wife dishonored me. I had to pay her alimony.

Mrs. Amir: I already lost Nafeesa. I don't want to lose Jaleel too.

Olivia Benson: But Nafessa hasn't lost her honor.

[edit] Closure: Part 2 [2.3]

Harper Anderson: (about Kenneth Cleary) He is the last thing I'm afraid of. If I can get over that, I will have my life back completely.

Don Cragen [about Kenneth Cleary]: We couldn't keep him. Not our fault.

Elliot Stabler: Want to tell the victim that?

Harper Anderson [to Cleary's attorney]: You're going to burn in Hell.

Mr. Klein: I'm Jewish, Miss Anderson. There is no Hell.

[edit] Legacy [2.4]

(An abused 7-year-old girl lays comatose as the detectives investigate members of her dysfunctional family to determine the source of the abuse.)

(Munch interviews a young girl)

Munch: Hi Jennifer, I’m Detective Munch.

Jennifer: That’s a funny name, Munch.

Munch: You think that’s funny? I guess if I ever have kids I’ll have to call them "munchkins".

[edit] Baby Killer [2.5]

[edit] Noncompliance [2.6]

[edit] Asunder [2.7]

Capt. Cragan: See actually I hate that little black rodent. Now Dick Tracy, that was a club, you got this great decorder ring and a really cool watch.

IAB Detective Howard: Are you going to say something Ms. Cabot?

Alex Cabot:: Like what?

IAB Detective Santiago: Protocol. Like if you're charging the Sgt with rape? Like if you would rein in your squad. And if you could be so kind as to keep us informed to the status.

Alex Cabot: Very well. Charging Andrews prior to his making a formal statement is premature. Am I sweeping it under the rug as you would prefer? No. And I strongly advise you to discontinue obstructing this unit from doing its job or I will have be more than happy to file charges naming you and your partner as coconspirators.

IAB Detective Santiago: IAB is here strictly in a supervisory capacity.

Alex Cabot: Not anymore. You may consider yourselves officially updated.

[edit] Taken [2.8]

Benson: We just found our guy on the Miller case, can this wait?

Captain: Close the door.

Benson: What?

Captain: Sit down Olivia.

Benson: What?

Captain: Really I-I think you should sit down.

Benson: What? Just tell me whats going on.

Captain: Your mother had an accident...Im so sorry...She didnt make it.

Benson: [whisper] How?

Captain: She fell down the subway steps, on 10th and Brodway-

Benson: No, my mother never taks the subway.

Captain: The entrence out of the velet room.

Benson: She was drunk.

[edit] Pixies [2.9]

[edit] Consent [2.10]

[edit] Abuse [2.11]

[edit] Secrets [2.12]

Capt. Donald Cragen: The law isn't always about justice.

ADA Alexandra Cabot: Who let you in on our dirty little secret?

[edit] Victims [2.13]

Stabler: I had my own "Alan Cryder". Insurance salesman ran his business out of a converted garage in Queens. Well liked, would invite the neighbourhood kids up for ice cream and stories. One day, a six-year-old girl goes missing from a playground in Soho. Long story short, we find her underneath the floor boards of his office along with three other children, all in various stages of decomposition. But he's gone and I'm left with a cold case. Two years, nothing but silence and headaches. I wasn't sleeping a lot, I kept having these recurring nightmares where my own children would be underneath the floor boards that I couldn't pry up. And,one day, I'm just gassing up my car in Chelsea and there he is. And before I know it, I've got his face sandwiched between his windshield and the muzzle of my gun. And I'm yelling "freeze" and I realize that I'm yelling at myself. Because I can't stop my finger from pulling the trigger and I am praying for him to blink, I'm praying for Him to twitch, just do something to give me an excuse. And then I see a face inside of his car. It's a girl, this beautiful little six-year old girl with these big eyes. I figured she'd seen enough

[edit] Paranoia [2.14]

[edit] Countdown [2.15]

Cabot: I need you to authorize this deal.

DA: Counselor, I am a public servant, and the public at large does not want this...boil on the butt of humanity living to a ripe old age!

Cabot: Charlie, think of the mother!

DA: I am! And I'm sure that she'd want to see him to die.

Cabot: Maybe. But she probably wants to know what happened to her daughter also.

DA: And what about the mothers of all his other victims? They want him dead. The city wants him dead. Even protesters against the death penalty want to see this guy dead!

[edit] Runaway [2.16]

Alex Cabot: I'm willing to speak to you. However, you have no legal authority to compel me to answer any questions.

Internal Affairs Officer: We are well aware of that, Ms. Cabot. We're only trying to get to the truth.

Alex Cabot: Aren't we all.

Alex Cabot: If you are looking for someone to denigrate Captain Cragen or the unit, find someone else.

Don Cragen: A girl O.D.'d and died alone. Her father, a decorated cop, 30-year career, over, no pension, his family in shambles. But you know what really, really scares me? That all you people are concerned about is some lying, murdering sack of crap.

John Munch [to Fin]: Your Jew? Your Jew? What if I called you "my boy"?!

Fin Tutuola: I'll be your boy, John!

[edit] Folly [2.17]

Olivia Benson: Do people have sex in bed anymore?

Olivia Benson: The earth moved.

Elliot Stabler: And he saw stars.

Fin Tutuola: I am not staying in here with all these cancer-causing particles flying around.

John Munch: Stop worrying. As an African-American you're statistically far more likely to die of diabetes, high blood pressure, or heart disease.

Fin Tutuola: Or a bullet.

[edit] Manhunt [2.18]

John Munch: (to a serial rapist and murderer known as the Bowery Stalker) Shoplifting. Kind of an undignified end to such an ambitious operation.

John Munch: (to the Bowery stalker) You had us stumped for over a year, Daryl. Your operations manual reads like a textbook in tactics and resource management. I've offered it to the curriculum committee at the Academy. I think the next generation of cops could learn a lot from you.

Fin Tutuola: Even Aunt Mary thinks he's a hero.

John Munch: Yeah, well Aunt Mary is a few tea bags shy of a full pot.

[edit] Parasites [2.19]

Ava: In my country, the police help no one.

Alex Cabot (about a suspect with diplomatic immunity): He could run me down, leave skidmarks, and we still couldn't give him a speeding ticket.

[edit] Pique [2.20]

[Warner is conducting the autopsy on the victim with Benson and Stabler in the room.]

Warner: External examination found no traces of semen. Further testing...[pulling out an organ and placing it in a scale dish] showed spermicides usually found in condoms.

[Benson and Stabler look on in disgust]

Stabler: This is fun.

[Benson and Stabler are at a suspect's mother's home, trying to locate his current address, though they avoid telling her that her son's a suspect]

Grace Mayberry: I don't like cryptic conversation. They require a prevaricating nature, which I do not possess. So either you tell me what this is all about...or you can locate Jason using whatever means you have at your disposal.

Benson: Do you know what obstruction is, ma'am? This is a murder investigation, and we need to speak with your son. Now.

[edit] Scourge [2.21]

[edit] Season 3

[edit] Wrath [3.2]

Benson: We've gotten warrants based on less, why are you stonewalling?

Cabot: This is different and you know it. Once a judge hears the suspect's history, he's gonna bend over backwards for the guy.

Benson: I saw him, Alex. Plummer is stalking me.

Cabot: How did he know where you were when he was in the interview room being questioned?

Benson: He must've overheard.

Cabot: Okay, how many businesses are in the area near Chauncey's?

Benson: I don't know, several. Why? Where are you going with this?

Cabot: Any decent defense attorney is going to say that Mr. Plummer was in the area running errands, that it was just a coincidence.

Benson:He has killed four people and we're doing nothing.

Cabot: How many drinks did you have? Olivia, the system made a mistake before, now everything we do is under a microscope.

Benson: [pause] I wasn't drunk.

[edit] Redemption [3.6]

[Investigating a series of rapes/homicides resembling those of the 'Soho Strangler', Stabler is paired with John 'Hawk' Hawkins, who put a man away for those crimes 18 years ago. Unfortunately, it begins to look as if that man was innocent all along.]

Fin: [after meeting Hawkins for the first time] Who the hell was that?

Stabler: Wyatt Earp.

Hawkins: [about Benson] Your partner always so friendly?

Stabler: She just doesn't like you.

Hawkins: [amused] Wait 'til she gets to know me.

Stabler: [complaining about Hawkins' style] I just don't like grand-standers.

Hawkins: I thought you were going to say grandfathers. [In reference to a case that they lost at the beginning of the episode] That was a tough one to lose.

Stabler: [angrily] That jury sent him home to rape that kid all over again.

Hawkins: Did you make your case?

Stabler: I had him nailed.

Hawkins: Then you did your job.

Stabler: [snorts] That's not good enough anymore.

Hawkins: Well it has to be, 'cause that's all there is.

Stabler: I told that little girl that everything was going to be okay.

Hawkins: And I told the parents of Roger's victims that he'd rot in prison.

Stabler: Well at least you put him away for eighteen.

Hawkins: Yeah, well, at least you gave that little girl a few days' peace. We never win this war, Elliot.

Stabler [sighs} Just so tired of losing.

Stabler: Oh God bless the lawyers.

Hawkins: [reviewing old files after he has been drinking] I took eighteen years from an innocent man. There's no way I can make that right.

Stabler: So what're you going to do, quit? What are you going to tell the parents of those girls? You made them a promise, and if you're the man I think you are, you'll keep it.

[Hawk has chased the killer to the roof of a building. When Stabler catches up, the suspect is clinging to the ledge as Hawk watches, ready to let him fall.]

Stabler: Hawk? Hawk, don't do this.

Hawkins: Don't do what, partner?.'

Stabler: We both know this isn't right.

Hawkins: We both know the system sucks. This way it's just natural selection. [He steps on the suspects hand]

Stabler: Hawk, you do this, you're no better than he is.

Hawkins: He sure as hell won't kill anybody else.

Stabler: This is no way to end it. Come on.

Hawkins: He's an evil man, Elliot.

Stabler:(Quoting Hawkins from earlier) "All it takes for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing."

Hawkins:(Hawk starts stepping on the suspects hand again as the suspect screams in pain, pleading him to stop. Hawk takes his foot off and turns to Stabler) You gonna let an old drunk do all the work? Give me a hand.

(Stabler walks over and the two help the suspect onto the roof and cuff him)

[edit] Counterfeit [3.14]

[A woman's body is found near her car after she was raped. Detectives Benson and Tutuola are paired to discover what the motive was, as well as why was her car's trunk full of forged drugs.]

Fin: Alright, nice dress.

Benson: Yeah, it was a nice date. Where's Munch?

Fin: He banged in sick.

Benson: He's such a hypochondriac. How many times has he had anthrax this week?

(Munch walks in on crutches)

Fin: I can't wait to hear this.

Munch: Your sympathy is overwhelming.

Benson: What happened to you?

Munch: Skydiving, hard landing.

Stabler: He wiped out riding his friend's Harley.

Cragen: Now the only thing he'll be riding is a desk.

Benson: These cases have too much in common. Same area, same time of night...

Tutuola: Paula Grace was front page news. There's enough details for Franscesca to fake hers.

Benson: There is no way that she could have faked being that traumatised. I'm telling you Captain, this woman was raped.

Tutuola: I just don't want to send the rat squad on some witch hunt and screw some innocent cop.

Benson: Neither do I.

Tutuola: Could have been anybody in a uniform, didn't have to be a real cop.

Benson: Doesn't matter. This woman is a rape victim until we prove otherwise.

[edit] Guilt [3.18]

Alex Cabot [about Kressler]: He is as bad as his client, hoping the victim is too traumatized to testify. He's lucky I didn't knock his teeth down his throat!

Don Cragen: I'd pay real money to see that.

Alex Cabot (to Mrs. Cavanaugh): The only reason I am here is to find evidence against the man who hurt your son. I am more than willing to accept blame for what happened to Sam, but do not let Roy Barnett get away with what he did.

Elliot Stabler: Barnett's being processed, we're heading to Mulligan's to celebrate.

Fin Tutuola: You're probably not gonna want to do that.

Olivia Benson: And why's that?

Fin Tutuola: Dad's mad.

Don Cragen (to Benson and Stabler): Get your asses in my office.

Roger Kressler [to Cabot]: Are you actually arguing that you can march in like the Gestapo and search any private residence?

Alex Cabot: I am arguing; I can search any private residence that doesn't belong to your client and it will have no bearing on these proceedings.

Elliot Stabler [to Cabot]: You should have told us.

Alex Cabot: I'm sorry.

Olivia Benson: No, you're not.

Alex Cabot: I am sorry you were ever in the middle of this. But you're right, I'm not sorry about the rest.

Alex Cabot [to Donnelly]: I take full responsibility for my actions.

Liz Donnelly: Of course. You did it for the greater good, the safety of society. Bull. You did this for you.

Alex Cabot: I did this for hundreds of Barnett's future victims.

Liz Donnelly: One. One victim. Sam Cavanaugh. Did it work? Did it assuage your guilt?

Alex Cabot: No. I don't think that's gonna happen anytime soon.

Liz Donnelly: I've got news for you. It won't happen. Ever.

[edit] Justice [3.19]

[In investigating the sexual assault of a 16-year-old, it's discovered that the victim is the rebellious stepdaughter of a judge, who is an old friend of Cragen's with dark secrets.]

Donnelly: Need I remind you that I am responsible for the integrity of this entire bureau?

Cabot: A judge has used the power of the court to further his own agenda. If the light we shine on him isn't brighter than the light we shine on the public, then this bureau has no integrity.

[edit] Denial [3.21]

[When a junkie is found raped, Tutuola takes an interest in her, but he's not the only one. When they find a finger in her purse, it opens a can of worms that spans back thirteen years, to when the girl witnessed her mother beating her baby sister to death, and even further back, when her grandmother turns her daughter in for the murder of her first-born son years before. The case is emotionally closed when Tutuola does an unexpected, and very rare favour.]

Claire: What kind of a name is "Fin?"

Fin: Mine.

[Benson and Stabler enter to find Dr. Warner inspecting a dessicated finger under a magnifying glass.]

Warner: It's official. The finger's dead.

Judge: Are you proposing to try your case right here, Ms. Cabot?

Cabot: No, I'm simply using rhetoric in order to make my point.

Judge: One of your more endearing qualities.

Claire: You have no idea what it's like to have a mother who doesn't give a damn about you.

Fin: [Reading newspaper] Violin's gonna start in any minute.

Claire: [To Fin] I could hug you, but I can tell you don't like to be touched.

[edit] Season 4

[edit] Damaged [4.11]

[The SVU team cooperates with a Homicide detective when a 6 year old shooting victim tests positive for gonorrhea.]

Detective: If Missy had kept her mouth shut, could've been a perfect crime.

Cragen: Hey, you don't know there's been a trampoline in the room, you won't dust the ceiling for prints.

Cragen: Tell me this isn't as bad as it seems.

Cabot: Oh, it is.

Cragen: And Missy's immunity is etched in stone?

Cabot: We can't touch her. We're screwed.

Missy: You can't kill me. I'm already dead.

[edit] Tortured [4.16]

Cabot: Thank you. You've offered a provocative theory. What it lacks in substance, it makes up for in pretty colors.

[edit] Futility [4.22]

Erin Russ:The rape charges on my client are bogus. And how did he get hurt between his home and the station house?

Alex Cabot:I don't know, how did he?

[Looks at Detectives Tutuola and Stabler]

Odafin Tutuola:He fell.

Russ:Bull.

Cabot:The only injuries I see are Mr. Gardner's torn knuckles from punching Detective Benson in the face, so unless you want to add the assault of a police officer to the list of charges, I suggest you move on.

[edit] Season 5

[edit] Escape [5.11]

[An escaped pedophile takes Benson hostage, and sends the detectives on a search for the truth regarding his case.]

Cragen: [Introducing a federal marshal] Deputy Eckerson is requesting our assistance.

Stabler: Wow. Pigs really do fly, huh?

[Fin escorts Jeremy in cuffs down the corridor.]

Jeremy: I didn't do anything.

Fin: Sure you did. You obstructed justice, hindering prosecution, plus you're a lying piece of crap. We're not gonna charge you with that one.

[edit] Bound [5.23]

[Detectives pursues a serial killer who stalks elderly women.]

Answering machine message: Hey, Spevak. You're late again. You better pay up, Doc, or we're coming over.

Fin: Doesn't sound like Mastercard.

Huang: I looked at the autopsy photos of the first three victims. [Tosses rope to Stabler] Strangle me?

Stabler: [Grinning broadly] I'll try.

Huang: [hastily reaches for the rope] I'll hold the rope.

Judge Terhune: [opening house door to find Novak standing outside] What the hell do you want?

Novak: I'm so sorry to bother you at home, Judge Terhune, but it's urgent.

Terhune: Well, I'm in the middle of something pretty important myself.

Man's voice: [from inside the house] Joe? Are you foldin' this hand?

Terhune: --No! [To Novak] Look. C'mon. C'mon. C'mon in. C'mon.

[Novak follows Terhune into the house.]

Novak: I just need your honor's signature--

Judge Ridenour: You just hit the jackpot, dearie.

[Novak stops at the door of a room. Inside there are several judges playing poker.]

Terhune: [sitting down at the table] I'm in. I believe you all know ADA Novak.

Novak: Judge Ridenour, Judge Petrovsky, Judge Wyler, Judge Bradley. I've had this nightmare before, only I was naked.

Judge Petrovsky: How charming.

Judge Terhune: What was so important that it couldn't wait until morning?

Novak: An exhumation order.

Judge Bradley: Better sign it, Joe. Corpse might be a flight risk.

Judge Terhune: And you want me to disturb the sanctity of the dead on your say so?

Novak: I have a very convincing but long argument, that will disturb the sanctity of your poker game.

'[Terhune signs the order.]

Novak: [sighs in relief] Thank you.

Terhune: Go. Go. Go go. [Throws chips into the pot.]

[edit] Head [5.25]

[The discovery of a hidden camera in a public toilet turns into a chase for a pedophile when the voyeur's recordings show a sexual assault on a minor.]

Munch: Gives whole new meaning to "live, streaming video."

Huang: You're either looking for a urophiliac, that's a sexual attraction to urine, or a coprophilia--

Benson: Okay. Let's not go there.

Fin: [On the phone, regarding the toilet cam] To be honest with you, I have no idea how we're gonna identify the victims.

Munch: [Waiting for the voyeur suspect to answer the door] If there's any poetic justice we caught him in the bathroom.

[edit] Season 6

[edit] Birthright [6.1]

Don Cragen [to Elliot]: $3,000 worth of damage to the car?

Elliot Stabler: What can I tell you? I zigged when I should have zagged.

Elliot Stabler: King Solomon said, "Bring me a sword. Divide the living child in two. Give half to one mother, half to the other."

Casey Novak: Except I can't split the baby.

Elliot Stabler: Solomon didn't have to.

Olivia Benson: Mrs. Osborne, we're gonna have to place you under arrest.

Michelle Osborne: For what?

Olivia Benson: Conspiracy to commit kidnapping.

Michelle Osborne: Go ahead. You'll see I'm right.

Olivia Benson: Michele, this has got to stop now, okay? We know everything. Anna was on the police report from your husband's accident. She died in the car with him.

Michelle Osborne: No, they never found her remains.

Olivia Benson: Michelle, they were hit by a gasoline tanker. There was nothing left. I'm sorry. But you know what I'm telling you is the truth.

Michelle Osborne: I know my daughter is alive!

Olivia Benson: Casey, you've got to plead her out.

Casey Novak: Why would I do that?

Olivia Benson: Because what happened was a mistake.

Casey Novak: Michelle is uncontrollably driven to kidnap someone else's child.

Olivia Benson: Her little girl biologically!

Casey Novak: But not legally. I can't let Michelle off the hook just because you feel guilty you didn't believe her.

Olivia Benson: Well, then give her a break because she's also a victim. What that fertility doctor did to those two women is genetic rape. And don't tell me that that doesn't bother you on some level.

Casey Novak: Talk to the doctor, confirm what Michelle and the Bransons say and I'll consider a deal.

[edit] Debt [6.2]

Casey Novak [to Ricky Yao]: We found Jiao’s body buried under your whorehouse in Flushing.

Ricky Yao: Check the property rules, Mrs. Chan owns that place, sweet old lady.

Casey Novak: Grandma didn’t slit Jiao’s throat.

Ricky Yao: How do you know?

Customs Officer: We use to raid sweatshops every week for making phony handbags, designer jeans, even T- shirts, but since 9/11, we put all our manpower into DVDs.

Olivia Benson: Boot-leg movies pose a threat to national security?

Customs Officer: When al-Qaeda’s selling them. Interpol raided a sleeper cell found 20,000 copies of "The Lion King." Cheap to make, the profit margin’s higher then drugs and a hell of a lot less risky.

Elliot Stabler: Using Mickey Mouse to fund terrorist attacks on America. What next?

[edit] Obscene [6.3]

B.J. Cameron [to Novak]: Do you wake up every morning and think, "How can I trample on the First Amendment today?"

Casey Novak: I wake up and think, "How can I put away a rapist?"

Elliot Stabler: (reading hate-mail) "Roses are red, Violets are blue. When Jessie is dead, her corpse I will..." You get the idea. There's hundreds like this.

Casey Novak [to Donnelly]: What did I do wrong?

Liz Donnelly: What, aren't you going to even say "hi" to your boss?

Casey Novak: Hi. What did I do wrong?

B.J.'s Assistant: They yanked us off the air before the best part.

Fin Tutuola: Something heavy fell on B.J.'s head?

[edit] Scavenger [6.4]

Olivia Benson: (about the suspect) A serial killer kleptomaniac who's afraid of the dark.

Dr. George Huang: What did your mother do to you?

Humphrey Becker: Please, with you people, it's always the mothers.

Casey Novak [to Munch]: I just set a world record getting these search warrants, not to mention risking my life to interrupt Judge Terhune's poker game ... again!

John Munch: Poor baby, I've been up for 40 hours.

[edit] Outcry [6.5]

Olivia Benson: I've never met a victim who testified against their attacker and regretted it afterwards.

Elliot Stabler: You know Tandi's face was on the TV and newspaper all weekend long. How come you didn't report seeing her?

Cadet: I guess I just didn't put two and two together.

Elliot Stabler: Yeah, I could see where that would be a problem for you.

Elliot Stabler: Do you think you could recognize her again?

Cashier: Sure could. (Elliot pulls a picture out and shows it to him) That's her.

Elliot Stabler: You've been very helpful, Thank you. (walks outside where Olivia is on her phone with Fin)

Olivia Benson: Fin, it's Liv. Look, can you check with the lab for food wrapper and soda cans found at the scene? Yeah, great, thanks. (hangs up the phone)

Elliot Stabler: Don't get your hopes up.

Olivia Benson: He didn't recognize Tandi's photo?

Elliot Stabler: He recognized my daughter Kathleen.

Mike Tucker: I've know Tandi since she was 8. I watched that girl grow up. I supported her family when her father was sick. I've loved her like a daughter and to suggest that I might harm her is disgusting.

Elliot Stabler: I'm touched.

[edit] Conscience [6.6]

Elliot Stabler [to Brett Morton]: You manipulated us just like Jake did.

Brett Morton: There's one big difference. Jake would've killed again. I won't.

[edit] Charisma [6.7]

[A pregnant 12-year old puts the SVU unit on the trail of a charismatic cult leader, but when tragedy strikes some of them find there are some horrors they cannot handle.]

Huang: What do you most remember seeing after you entered the house?

Stabler: Dead bodies.

Huang: Anything specific about them?

Stabler: Bunch of dead bodies.

Huang: Then you think this is a big waste of your time.

Munch: Hell, no. I think we should all sit around all day and chat about our feelings.

Huang: Well, what do you want to talk about?

Munch: Well, it doesn't really matter. We can all talk until we're blue in the face. It's not going to change the fact that the human race is ever-evolving and will always come up with elaborate, repulsive, and depraved ways to kill each other.

Huang: And that's really the hard part for you, isn't it?

Munch: What?

Huang: That you can still be repulsed. As cynical as you try to be. You can still be sickened.

[Munch looks away.]

Olivia Benson [to Melanie]: If you want I can try to find the father of your baby. Do you know his name?

Melanie: Abraham.

Olivia Benson: And who's Abraham?

Melanie: He's my husband.

Olivia Benson: I'm afraid that... I won't be able to handle it.

Dr. George Huang: But you are. By acknowledging that it affects you. That's the way you handle something traumatic.

Olivia Benson: Well, I guess the real problem is that I'm afraid that... that it's not working. (starts to cry)

Olivia Benson [to Sarah]: Now those women out there might be brain-washed, but you're not. You know exactly what he is: a murderer and a child raper.

Sarah: That's not true.

Olivia Benson: You knew who he was and you let this happen, you let all those children die.

Sarah: It was God's will.

Olivia Benson: No, Sarah, it was your will! You could blame God and you can blame Abraham, but we all know the truth. You did this! You sat there and you watched as a man raped one of your children and then murdered the other. You might has well have killed him yourself!

Don Cragen: Olivia!

Olivia Benson: (lowers her voice) He has one of your children and he has your unborn grandchild.

Sarah: This is a test. (shakes her head) I won't be tempted.

(Olivia leaves the room in disgust)

Abraham Ophion [to Olivia]: How can you stand it? How can you invite this depravity into your mind, your body, your soul? It will kill you. Every horror, every torment afflicts your body. Like a cancer. It's devouring your, and you can't see it. Open your eyes.

Olivia Benson: You know, I just thought that you were just another con artist. Seeking out people who were starved for anything that would give them meaning in their life. They're easy marks. You talk about God, the apocalypse and they give you all their money. But you are much more pathetic than that. You actually believe your own hype. You've conned yourself.

Abraham Ophion: All these men have come to kill me. Why? Because they know! I am greater than man! I am greater than God! And they are afraid of what I can do! [A gunshot is heard and Abraham falls to the ground dead. Melanie is holding the gun and she starts sobbing; Olivia rushes over, takes the gun away, and holds her]

Olivia Benson: It's okay. It's okay. It's okay...

Melanie: That was a lie.

Olivia Benson: What was?

Melanie: He said he was greater than God, but nobody is.

[edit] Doubt [6.8]

Olivia Benson: Elliot, what happened between you and Kathy?

Elliot Stabler: Well ... the job made me kind of hard to live with.

Olivia Benson: She should try working with you.

[edit] Weak [6.9]

Olivia Benson [to Gina]: You think you got a good enough look at him to work with a sketch artist?

Gina: He was behind me most of the time. White guy, hood of his sweatshirt pulled over his head, big sunglasses, smelled like an ashtray. Guess it's not going to help you with your sketch unless it's a scratch and sniff, right?

Olivia Benson [about Miranda Cole]: As best I can tell, she was raped by terrorists.

John Munch: Visit with mom, evening of rape, what would Freud say?

Dr. Rebeca Hendrix [to Thomas Mathers]: Have you ever had a girlfriend?

Thomas Mathers: Lots of guys don't find a right girl.

Olivia Benson: That's true. I mean, being single's not easy.

Thomas Mathers: You would not look at me twice if I asked you out, you would not give me a time of day, so don't pretend you understand what I'm going through. I don't need your pity.

Elliot Stabler: You're just looking for the right girl. And one day you'll rape her and live happily ever after.

Olivia Benson [to Elliot]: And I can't believe that you are gonna take a shrink's opinion over actual facts!

Rebecca Hendrix: (looks offended) Bye.

Elliot Stabler [to Olivia]: What's your problem? She's a cop. That's all I need to know.

Olivia Benson: No, Elliot. She didn't think that being a cop was good enough, so she quit.

Elliot Stabler: Is that what this is about, some inferiority complex?

Olivia Benson: You know, I get that you are on the rebound and everything, but if you could keep it out of work that'd be great.

[edit] Haunted [6.10]

Fin Tutuola [to Sandoval]: Who's the best at undercover in your squad?

Mike Sandoval: I'm your guy.

Fin Tutuola: No offense, but my grandmother wouldn't sell an aspirin to you.

Fin Tutuola: Cold pills?

Mike Sandoval: Yep, and matchbooks.

Fin Tutuola: Thousands of them.

Mike Sandoval: You need both to cook crystal meth.

Fin Tutuola: Well, that explains the pole-cams and the booby-traps. Meth makes you paranoid.

Mike Sandoval: Beyond paranoid. I once collared a heavy tweaker who shot his dog because he was afraid he was gonna rat him out to the cops.

[edit] Contagious [6.11]

Holly Purcell (when she's getting an IV): I wish my dad was here.

Elliot Stabler: You'll see him in a while. What's your most favorite thing you like to do with your dad? I got twins your age, and we like to go to the beach together.

Holly Purcell: My dad takes me to the beach, too. We build sand castles. I don't like needles.

Elliot Stabler: Okay. Hold onto my hand. Now close your eyes and pretend that you're at the beach building sand castles with your dad. And if it hurts, you squeeze my hand really hard, okay?

Holly Purcell: What do you do when something hurts?

Elliot Stabler: I think of my kids.

John Munch (to a tip caller): We don't need a psychic. You're that good, who's gonna win the Superbowl?

[edit] Identity [6.12]

[The death of a gang member seems to be related to a sexual assault, but Benson and Stabler discover when they find the victim that things are not exactly what they seem.]

[Finding a can of paint in an allegedly 'ex'-graffiti artist's locker.]

Munch: Looks like someone's still got the aerosol monkey on his back.

[In interrogation]

Logan: I don't know how to dumb this down for you anymore. It. Wasn't. Me.

Dr. Blair: [Regarding gender reassignment surgery] Any plastic surgeon will tell you, it's easier to dig a hole than to build a pole.

Olivia Benson: Dr. Blair, do you realize that disseminating pornography to a minor is a felony?

Dr. Blair: I showed them art books.

Elliot Stabler Doc, I saw the art in your office and even I was uncomfortable at how many phalluses were on display.

Dr. Blair: That's because you're a bourgeois American, completely uptight about sex. It's what screws up your children and turns them into sex offenders.

Elliot Stabler: You lost me at bourgeois.

[edit] Quarry [6.13]

Olivia Benson [to Elliot]: Before you and Kathy had kids, did you ever wonder how they were going to turn out.

Elliot Stabler: All the time, still do

Olivia Benson: At least you know what you're passing on. Half my genes are drunk and the other half are violent and cruel.

Elliot Stabler: And look how great you turned out.... It's not all about the genes, Liv. All you can do is love your kids.

Olivia Benson: Goodnight.

[edit] Game [6.14]

[The squad is puzzled at the murder of a random woman until they discover that it is linked to a popular video game.]

[Fin and Munch interview a computer game designer.]

Designer: That sequence was an easter egg.

Fin: A what?

Munch: That's a hidden treat players can access for extra fun.

Designer: You're not as old as you look.

Designer: Stu used to work here. We had to fire him because he snuck copulating bunny rabbits into a children's game we make.

[edit] Hooked [6.15]

Elliot Stabler: How many teenage girls do you know who are too busy to have boyfriends?

Olivia Benson: When we were kids, our parents told us we were too young to date just one guy.

Elliot Stabler: Now you pray your kids only date one guy.

Elliot Stabler [about the victim, Lisa Downey]: How did this happen? Six months ago, she was just another 15-year-old girl.

Olivia Benson: Until she started hooking up with half of Queens. After that it's no big deal to have sex for designer clothes or prostitute yourself at a hotel.

Don Cragen: She winds up as Trudy Strutz, Porn Star.

Elliot Stabler: She winds up dead on a roof.

[edit] Ghost [6.16]

Alex Cabot: For years, I've convinced victims to face their attackers. Now it's time for me to step up.

Alex Cabot: I have lost my home..my job...my friends...my mother died and I couldn’t go to the funeral. Liam Connors is not going to take my conscience too.

Olivia Benson: Alex...

Elliot Stabler: You didn't have to come back.

Alex Cabot: I know. But who else was going to get you out of trouble?

[edit] Rage [6.17]

Gordon Rickett: Every cop has a weakness, you just gotta know how to exploit it. They treat you like you're an imbecile, if you're not careful, you start to believe them. It's a game for them, they get off on it. They got these huge egos, that's their biggest problem. All you gotta do is let them know who's in charge. Not them, you. They used to call FBI agents gangsters with badges, they were one step away from being the worst criminals in society. Stabler's like that, big time.

Fin Tutuola: Who's Stabler?

Gordon Rickett: Jarhead detective.

Fin Tutuola: You know him?

Gordon Rickett: I do, and he knows me too. He's been thinking about me for a long time. He tries to hang you with your own words. Catch you in a lie. You're dead when that happens.

Fin Tutuola: So what do you tell him?

Gordon Rickett: The truth will set you free.

John Munch: I was never much into sports. My high school basketball coach said I looked like a retarded gazelle with a spastic disorder. Mr. Daley. Real loving guy.

Don Cragen: So, Elliot screams at him. What was the plan after that?

Fin Tutuola: Don't know. That was the end of the plan.

Elliot Stabler: You know, after 16 years of doing this, I've learned to tell the difference between a pedophile and a man who rapes children. In their own sick way, pedophiles think they love children, that they build a relationship with them. You know how to get a pedophile to confess? Give them the opportunity. Most of them feel so guilty, they're just dying to tell you. But it's not that way with you. With you, it's not about power or control — it's about annihilation. You don't love the children — you hate them. Because they have what you never will: Hope.

Gordon Rickett: [smirks] Is that why I do it?

Elliot Stabler: That's part of it. The other part, the part I've been trying to get at all night, is the rage. You hide it very well — it's impressive, really — but I know it's there. Gordon, you're kidding yourself if you think you're controlling it. It's controlling you. Every lie you tell to cover your inadequacies… every perceived insult you think you're getting… just feeds it.

Gordon Rickett: You're lecturing me about rage? Are you kidding?

Elliot Stabler: I'm not.

Gordon Rickett: What do you know about controlling anything?

Elliot Stabler: I don't murder people.

Gordon Rickett: Give it time. You say you see something in me. Well, I see something in you, too. You think you control? You can't. You're controlled by your boss, by your job, by your wife… your kids… What would you be if all those controls went away?

Elliot Stabler: [quietly] I'd be you.

Elliot Stabler: Did you think I froze? Is that why you fired first?

Olivia Benson: [sadly] I fired first 'cause you would've killed him.

Elliot Stabler: He deserves to die.

Olivia Benson: Maybe he does, but he wanted you to kill him. He wanted you to always remember that you took his life. Not because you had to, but because you were angry.

[edit] Pure [6.18]

Elliot Stabler [to Ballentine]: What is it with this virgin compulsion? Afraid you're not gonna measure up to other men?

Sebastian Ballentine: Oh, no, no, I'm more than adequate in bed. But the expression on a girl's face her first time is ... incomparable.

Elliot Stabler: These girls weren't having sex. They were being raped.

Sebastian Ballentine: Here's my card, my name's Sebastian Ballentine.

Elliot Stabler: The Sebastian Ballentine?

Sebastian Ballentine: You've heard of me?

Elliot Stabler: No.

Suspect: I deserve an apology... in writing!

John Munch: You'll be receiving one in the mail in 6 to 8 weeks.

[edit] Intoxicated [6.19]

Elliot Stabler: Romeo and Juliet killed themselves, not their parents.

Casey Novak: Psych defense.

Elliot Stabler: P.M.D.D.? PMS made her do it.

Olivia Benson: You're not buying this.

Casey Novak: What, we can't control our emotions because we're pre-menstrual? Yeah, that's bull.

Olivia Benson: (to Cragen) Denise Eldridge is a fruit cake.

Elliot Stabler: (interrupts them) And dessert is served. (shows Denise in the squad room)

Don Cragen: Olivia, my office! (they both enter his office) Why is Denise Eldridge screaming to One PP that you talked her daughter out of a rape kit?

Olivia Benson: Carrie didn't want it.

Don Cragen: Now that's exactly what Simone Bryce told Carrie's mother. That's funny how a children's rights attorney just happened to show up at the ER.

Denise Eldridge: My daughter's been violated. Whose side are you on?

Olivia Benson: Hers. [leaves]

Olivia Benson [to Elliot]: You know I'm right.

Elliot Stabler: What, that Denise is a fruitcake? Yeah. But she's trying to protect her daughter.

Carrie Eldridge [to Olivia]: You lied to me? [to Simone Bryce] She can't do that, can she?!

Simone Bryce: They do it all the time, that's why I told you to stop.

Carrie Eldridge: (to Olivia) You lying bitch! I hate you! [gets carried out of the room by Elliot] I hate you, you lying bitch! You lying bitch! I hate you! You ruined my life, you lying bitch!

Carrie Eldridge: (crying) I loved my mom very much. But when she was drunk. she wasn't a mother.

Simone Bryce: Olivia, what are you gonna do?

Olivia Benson: I have to tell the D.A.

Simone Bryce: Hold on. You know it wasn't murder.

Olivia Benson: Why didn't you present that as evidence?

Simone Bryce: She refused to talk about it. (pauses) You remember what that was like. (Olivia nods slightly)

Olivia Benson [to Casey]: My mother was an English professor. When I was 16, I started dating one of her students. He was a senior, he was 21 years old, and he asked me to marry him. And I said yes because I wanted to get away from my mother. She found out and she told me that if I didn't stop seeing him, that she would have him kicked out of college. And I told her that I was moving out. She was halfway through a bottle of vodka and she dropped it. It shattered all over the floor. And then she picked up the jagged edge of the bottle and...and she came at me, screaming, "I'll never let anyone else have you." And so I kicked her, hard. And then I kicked her again. And she went flying across the room, into the wall. And she slid down to the floor. I'd never hurt her before. I ran out. I was so afraid ...

Casey Novak: You didn't kill your mother, Olivia.

Olivia Benson: I know what it's like to want to. That's how I know Simone Bryce. I called her back then. She was a law student and she helped me survive it.

Casey Novak: Why didn't Carrie say something?

Olivia Benson: Because then the abuse becomes real. If you keep quiet, you can pretend that it's not.

[edit] Night [6.20]

Olivia Benson: Casey, I had to go three blocks to find an open coffee shop. If you went home, I'm gonna kill you.

Olivia Benson [to Casey]: You feel like a cup of coffee?

Casey Novak: Every second of every day.

[edit] Blood [6.21]

Don Cragen (to Elliot): How many times do you think you can break the rules and get away with it?

Fin Tutuola: With men, it's just business. They take what they want: money, drugs, sex. With a woman, it's personal.

Jenny Rogers [to Elliot]: Do you have children?

Elliot Stabler: Yes.

Jenny Rogers: What would you do if one of them got into trouble? You'd help them.

Jenny Rogers: You arrested Kevin?

Olivia Benson: He'll be in a treatment program. He's getting the help he needs, and you can live your life without being afraid.

Jenny Rogers: What life? You took my son away. What have I got to live for now?

[edit] Parts [6.22]

[Upon learning that a disembodied head had traces of semen in her mouth.]

Fin: He didn't even let her gargle.

Huang: He disarticulated her after he killed her.

Munch: What's the fun in that?

[Munch and Fin head into a synagogue to find a suspect.]

Munch: Put this on.

[Munch hands Fin a yarmulke.]

Fin: I look Jewish to you?

Stabler: Cause of death?

Coroner: Heroin trip.

Fin: This girl didn't OD.

Coroner: No, I mean she tripped on the subway stairs because she was high.

Munch: Let's hope the rest of her is in there. Resting in pieces.

Body seller: Listen. It's not what you're thinking.

Stabler: Oh, you have no idea what I'm thinking.

Munch: No one should have to choose between obeying the law and watching their son die.

[edit] Goliath [5.22]

Olivia Benson [to Officer Vaill about Officer Callahan]: Are you sleeping with him?

Officer Kristen Vaill: Let me be very clear, Detective Benson. I'd be more inclined to have an affair with you.

Olivia Benson: Got it.

Fin Tutuola: Callahan's either a great guy or an unpredictable bastard, depending on who you talk to.

Olivia Benson: That's helpful.

Fin Tutuola: It's better than Munch's "evil twin" theory.

Casey Novak [holds a newspaper]: Take a look at this.

Don Cragen: Yeah, we've seen it.

Casey Novak: So has Arthur Branch, meaning I'll be a special kind of pain in your ass until this is sufficiently explained.

Elliot Stabler: What the hell's all this? (sees the columns of boxes in Casey's office.)

Casey Novak: U.S. army's version of "bury me in paper." Their response to my subpoenas.

Arthur Branch [to Novak]: Conference room, NOW!

Elliot Stabler: What's that about?

Casey Novak: Oh, probably just another of the subpoenas I sent out.

Elliot Stabler: For what?

Casey Novak: Donald Rumsfeld.

Dr. P. Trainer: Of the four drugs that work, three have to be taken daily. Quiniam is once a week. Easier to make sure soldiers take it.

Casey Novak: When they're not killing themselves.

Casey Novak [to Dr. Trainer]: Do you believe Quinium to be a safe drug?

Dr. P. Trainer: Ms. Novak, what we have not discussed is the fact that malaria is a highly deadly disease. It kills over two million people worldwide every year. Every twelve seconds a child dies from malaria.

Casey Novak [shakes her head sadly]: That's very sad, Dr. Trainer. You didn't even attempt to answer my question.

Casey Novak [to Dr. Trainer]: We had a shot at changing things, making them listen, making them stop. I don’t understand why you didn’t come to me, I could have helped you. And when the truth came out, they never could have touched you.

Dr. P. Trainer: Ms. Novak, you are very young, and that is not the way the world works.

[edit] Season 7

[edit] Alien [7.11]

[An investigation into the near-fatal beating of a 12-year old boy uncovers a suspect whose trial becomes about the rights of same-sex parents.]

Small girl: One time, this big boy, he pushed Sean. He fell down.

Fin: What was the big boy's name?

Small girl: I don't know. But he's bad. I saw him smoking.

Boy: Just because I'm a recess monitor, doesn't mean I'm a narc.

Stabler: What'd you do, Charlie?

Charlie: He made fun of me. He said the reason my girlfriend won't have sex with me is that she's afraid I'll squash her.

Cragen: You gonna bring him in?

Benson: We're waiting for the crime scene report before we take another crack at him.

[Munch approaches with a file.]

Munch: Ask and ye shall receive, unless, of course, you're Jewish.

[Cragen takes the file.]

Cragen: I'm not.

CSU: I checked out the security cameras at Marty's Deli across from the school.

Fin: What were you doing at Marty's?

CSU: They got pixie sticks.

CSU: [Displays bagged scissors] Found these in the school dumpster.

Fin: She means I found them under the tuna casserole. All she did is stand and point.

Headmistress: When Emma's mother enrolled her at St. Victor's, she told us she was a single parent. She hid the fact that Emma has another parent. A woman.

Stabler: Emma's mom is gay.

Benson: So what's the big deal? Same sex couples raise children all the time.

Headmistress: Yes, but they don't usually lie about being gay and enroll their children in conservative Catholic schools.

Headmistress: How do you teach catechism with Emma in the classroom? "Homosexuality is a sin, kids, but oh, that's okay, Emma. Your moms are good people otherwise.

Stabler: In the six months since Zoe and Kate took St. Victor's to court, the whole family's been harassed. They've even changed their phone numbers twice.

Fin: Didn't do any good. Broken windows, graffiti on the doors. Zoe's filed six reports. Nobody's ever been charged.

Munch: Since when did New York become a red state?

Fin: But Zoe wanted to make a point. Take the school to court. Win one for the cause.

Munch: Someone's got to fight the fight.

Fin: It shouldn't be an eight year old.

Stabler: She's still Emma's guardian while Kate's in the hospital.

Lawyer: De facto guardian, yes. But the state doesn't afford her the right to make decisions for Emma. She's no more her parent or guardian than a babysitter would be.

Benson: You've raised Emma ever since she was born. How can you say that you're nothing more than a babysitter?

Zoe: I should have legal rights over Emma. But I don't. So why should I claim them now when it would only hurt her?

Lawyer: Confession's out. You want to talk to Emma again, go through me.

Novak: How'd it go?

Benson: Great. I love putting 8-year olds in lockup overnight.

[edit] Infected [7.13]

[When the accused killer of a teen's mother is released due to lack of evidence, the youth exacts his own justice by killing the man.]

DJ: Man, I ain't carrying, all right? And you can search me.

Munch: (Opens a front-loading washing machine and finds dozens of packets of crystal meth) Look at what I found.

Fin: Oughtta be worth a couple of grand.

DJ: Can't pin that on me.

Fin: Yeah, but I might be able to pin a murder on you, DJ.

DJ: What?

Fin: The rape and murder of Monica Phelps.

DJ: No no no. I did not murder her.

Munch: (Studies bottles of detergent on top of the machine) So what should I use? Lemony goodness, or Mount Stream?

DJ: Thought she was working at a hot dog stand. She wouldn't be frying franks if she was dealing. Now wasn't I helpful.

Munch: Very. (turns on the laundry machine)

Non-profit worker: Ted has dedicated his life to helping people that other would consider trash. Addicts, whores, and degenerates. And he gets nothing in return. Tell that to the people who sent you. (storms off)

Benson: Well, she's got nothing to hide.

Stabler: Nooooooo, not at all.

Ted: (to underage girl in motel room) Why don't you just take off your clothes, and we'll have ourselves a good time.

Stabler: (bursts into room with a drawn gun) Can we have a good time too?

Fin: (entering) Me too. I bet we can all have a lot of fun.

Ted's lawyer: He was attempting to have sex with a minor, and you know this because you can read his mind?

Benson: We know this because he paid a minor $2,000 to have sex.

Stabler: Do you know how much you've spent on them, Ted? Have you done the math? Hm? $2 million. $2 million dollars worth of sex?

Ted: I need to say this. I've been unfaithful. Many times. But I've never paid anyone for sex. They were my girlfriends.

Stabler: Wow. You're a busy guy, huh.

Benson: So all the financial transactions that happened after the sex were completely unrelated.

Ted: I wanted to help them. I loved them.

Sophie Devere: This study equates gun violence with an infectious disease. Anyone exposed to it is infected. Now you may not agree or like this study. Gun manufacturers don't like it either. It goes against their mantra: "Guns don't kill people. People kill people." But this study points to something that is almost unspeakable in today's gun culture, and that is that the blame for violence can be directly placed on the gun. Once you see someone squeeze the trigger, it's easier to do it yourself. Nathan saw his mother shot to death in front him, and at that moment he contracted the disease. It wasn't his choice, any more than it is your choice to catch a cold after someone sneezed on you. Violence is the disease. Guns are the virus. And we have an epidemic on our hands.

Novak: Does witnessing a murder justify a murder?

Benson: It doesn't justify it. But it might explain it.

Novak: You gave the jury a reason to acquit.

Benson: I was trying to tell the truth. I'm sorry.

Sophie Devere: He's not testifying, period.

Donnelly: Let him.

Sophie Devere: And let him incriminate himself?

Donnelly: Exactly

Sophie Devere: Are you crazy?

Donnelly: [To Novak] What do you think?

Novak: A jury's been sworn in on a criminal case, a witness has testified. Do you see where this is heading?

Sophie Devere: If you screw us over on this-

Novak: Trust me.

Lawyer: Your honor, this is a setup, perpetrated by the DA's office.

Judge Malloy: Mr. Getty, I'd agree with you, except that you're the one who called Mr. Phelps to the stand. This action is dismissed. Court is adjourned.

[edit] Blast [7.14]

[When an 8-year-old girl is kidnapped on her way home from school, DNA tests on the blood found in the abductor's abandoned van reveal she has leukemia.]

Stabler: "Password protected."

Computer Tech: My 6-year old could hack this.

Stabler: No way. You're not doing this.

Warner: I can take care of myself.

Stabler: No offense, but med school doesn't exactly prepare you for something like this.

Warner: The Air Force did. They paid for medical school. I did two tours at Ramstien during Desert Storm. I know how to handle myself around men with guns.

Warner: Give me a gun.

Danny: No. Everybody stays. They're my ticket out of here.

Stabler: You don't need them. You've got me. I'm a cop. So's every guy out there. They're not going to risk my life. As long as you're with me, you're safe.

Warner: He's my patient, Elliott. I'm not leaving without him.

Stabler: You okay?

Warner: Yeah. I got to pick up my daughter from school.

[edit] Manipulated [7.15]

[After a woman's body is found, Benson and Stabler delve into her private life and finally learn that in addition to being a respected lawyer, she was also a stripper.]

Fin: Hey, Tim. I hear you got a great wiener.

Stabler: A man's DNA doesn't just pop up inside a woman without his participation.

Benson: What do PNCs do?

Munch: Profit from the fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Fin: Don't get him started on Dick Cheney again.

Munch: I miss the day when revenge just meant shooting someone.

Warner: And I miss the days when I never had to say I ran more DNA tests on that semen.

[edit] Gone [7.16]

Stabler: You like sea bass. You'll just love what we pulled out of the river.

[edit] Season 8

[edit] Cage [8.8]

[After a van plows into the river with children aboard, Beck and Stabler find themselves investigating a controversial therapy called rebirthing for out-of-control children.]

[Stabler approaches a van being hoisted out of the river.]

Stabler: John. What've we got?

Munch: Van tried to take a shortcut to Brooklyn. The river got in the way.

Fin: Van was registered to Frank Hovis of Albany. Unmarried, no kids, couple pops for assault.

[Cragen looks at a photograph of the women's shoe recovered at the scene.]

Cragen: Anything on Cinderella?

Fin: Nah. Maybe Frank's a tranny.

[Munch arrives with a tollbooth photo of the van's occupants, a balding male driver and a woman in the passenger seat.]

Munch: Cinderella's definitely a woman. Frank needs to join the Hair Club for Men.

Cragen: Dani doing okay?

Stabler: Yeah.

Cragen: See a future for her here in SVU?

Stabler: Sure.

Cragen: Don't want your old partner back.

Stabler: Since when was that up to me?

Mrs. Hovis: I haven't seen Frank in years.

Munch: We think he may have been in an accident, Mrs. Hovis.

Mrs. Hovis: Well, excuse me if I don't bust out weeping. The only time I hear about that deadbeat is when you cops come looking for him.

Munch: Mind if we check around?

Mrs. Hovis: Yes I do. I'm a respectable woman, I live alone, and I don't want the neighbors talking.

[Fin comes around the corner of the house, holding a pair of men's pants.]

Fin: They already are. Found these on your clothesline. Where'd they come from?

Mrs. Hovis: How should I know? Must've fallen out of a plane on the way into Kennedy.

Munch: I think I hear someone inside.

Fin: Don't worry, ma'am. We'll protect you.

[Munch and Fin push their way past Mrs. Hovis into the house.]

Mrs. Hovis: Hey!

[Fin pushes open the broom closet door and finds Frank in his underwear, crouching inside.]

Fin: Frank, that's pathetic.

Mrs. Hovis: [Acting astonished.] How'd he get in there?

[Stabler is stabbed in the chest with a pen.]

Beck: You gonna faint on me?

Beck: I couldn't have stayed so calm.

Stabler: Yeah you could. You know the right thing to do.

Beck: Just because you know what's right doesn't mean you do it.

Kathleen Stabler: Are you serious, dad? A kid stabbed you?

Kathy Stabler: Your father probably yelled at him.

Kathleen: Yeah, for not doing his homework.

[In the hospital, after Eden sets fire to Beck's apartment.]

Beck: Why'd you do it?

Eden: So you'd never leave me.

Beck: You could have killed us both.

Eden: Then we'd be together.

[Stabler finds Beck distraught outside Eden's hospital room.]

Stabler: Dani. This is not your fault.

Beck: I can't do this.

Stabler: Why?

Beck: I fix things. It's who I am. But I can't fix that little girl.

Stabler: That's not what we do.

Beck: But I wanted to. And I thought I could.

Beck: How do you keep doing this job?

Stabler: Because I have to.

Beck: Why? We don't make a difference.

Stabler: Dani, you can do this.

Beck:Are you asking me to stay?

[Stabler hesitates.]

Stabler: Dani, I can't. You've got to be here for yourself, not for me.

Beck: Yeah.

[Beck looks through the window at Eden.]

Beck: Bye, Elliott.

[Beck walks away.]

[edit] Scheherazade [8.10]

[Stabler agrees to hear the dying confession of a cancer patient, but first he and Benson do some digging into what possible crime Tierney's guilty of and come up with an unsolved case that goes back 47 years.]

Benson: It's never too late to help a victim.

Benson: What kind of father molests his daughter and then every year, sends her a birthday card to remind her?

Tierney: I don't know what your dad did to you, sweetie, but you need professional help.

Stabler: Eternal damnation is not a police matter.

Stabler: [To Huang] All you shrinks talk about is closure.

Huang: You can't rush Scheherazade.

[After Stabler tells Mrs. Colino that they found her husband's body, shot in 1971.]

Mrs. Colino: [To poker partners] Girls! I'm a widow!

Old woman: Congratulations. You want in this hand?

Stabler: Well, for once, Catholic guilt's a good thing.

Munch: I thought we Jews had a corner on that market.

[edit] Outsider [8.12]

[Fin teams up with a Brooklyn SVU Detective Lake when he's called on to investigate a rape at his son Ken's college.]

[After a rape victim that Ken brought in runs away.]

Ken: I blew it.

Fin: Fix it.

[Fin walks into an Edgar Allen Poe restaurant where the waiters are dressed in outlandish costumes.]

Waiter 1: We're a themed restaurant, sir.

Waiter 2: We dress up as Edgar Allen Poe characters. I'm the raven.

Waiter 1: And I'm the telltale heart!

Fin: [Flashes badge] And I'm the cop.

Lake: My gut says he's lying.

Fin: Your gut's a genius.

Lake: My gut tells me that's not our guy.

Fin: That's not your gut, that's indigestion.

Fin: Dr. Chanoor ever go after you?

Nurse: You kidding? I'd slice his nuts off with a scalpel.

[edit] Loophole [8.14]

[An anonymous tip and photographs that look like child porn leads the SVU to something utterly unexpected when Olivia goes down to a poisonous gas being experimented on tenement residents by their landlord.]

Passerby: Yo. What're you doin'?

Fin: Given' the little boy a donut.

Passerby: Why you wanna give the kid a donut?

Fin: Why you have a problem with us giving him a donut?

[Benson flashes her badge.]

Passerby: Oh. All right. Cop's best friend.

Benson: When was the most recent burglary?

Passerby: I don't know, like, the night before last. How come you guys don't know that?

Fin: We too busy eatin'.

[Discussing a speculation that a robber who broke into an apartment found kiddie porn and forwarded it anonymously to the police]

Fin: Just because a guy makes a living breaking into other people's apartment, doesn't mean he likes kiddie porn.

[When Munch arrives late to a briefing and chimes in with information.]

Fin: Oh. You're late 'cuz you were doing something useful.

[When a suspect in interrogation starts using Q-tips on his ears.]

Fin: You gotta do that in front of us?

Suspect: I got a Cerumen problem.

Fin: You gonna have a face problem if you don't stop, and what the hell is cerumen?

Munch: Earwax.

Suspect: See, he knows.

Fin: On the fifth floor you heard somebody bust into an apartment through five slabs of concrete with a cerumen problem.

Suspect: I must've been having a good ear day.

Cragen: Where did you find this Looney Tune?

Fin: Look, we don't speak your dialect of crazy, okay?

Benson: I don't need to go to the hospital Captain.

Fin: Captain HAZMAT is ready to move in.

Cragen: Take her. Restrain her if you have to.

[Regarding Munch]

Fin: Leave it to the prince of paranoia to take it up a notch.

Warner: No. This time, Munch isn't crazy.

Novak: You are thinking like a victim, 'Liv. if you were thinking like a cop, you'd realize that it's not that simple.

[Stabler wanders into the squad room late at night and finds Benson there.]

Stabler: I thought the joint would be empty.

Benson: I thought the doctors said you had to be on house arrest for two weeks.

Stabler: I can't stay away.

Benson: It's almost midnight.

Stabler: I didn't want Cragen to see me.

Benson: Yeah. I know the feeling.

Benson: It's easy to be passionate when you're one of the victims.

Stabler: What do you tell victims? Get help. The problem is you're not following your own advice right now.

Stabler: It means sometimes the only way to beat someone at a dirty fight, is to get right down into the gutter with them.

[The tech is attempting to hack into a corporate wireless network; he and Benson dodge security, looking for a signal. They enter the men's bathroom.]

Tech: I'm in.

Benson: It had to be in the men's room.

Tech: Well, I have a signal and nobody can see us.

[edit] Season 9

[edit] Alternate [9.1]

[The SVU squad deals with unexpected changes, while Benson and Stabler investigate a case of child abuse involving a woman with Multiple Personality Disorder.]

[On hearing that Cragen is being reassigned to the Chief of Detective's office due to his squad's poor performance]

Benson: That's insane.

Stabler: You want insane? Guess who they put in charge.

Munch: I had nothing to do with that. If drafted, I will not run, if elected, I will not serve.

Fin: You are lying like a pile of tissues. You took the Sergeants' exam right behind our back. What's up with that?

Munch: I took it last year on a bar bet.

Cragen: Enjoy your new office, Sgt. Munch. Don't let the power get to your head.

Lake: It was an honor serving under you, sir.

Cragen: I'm not dead yet, Detective Lake.

Munch: I knew there was something hinky about her. It was so obvious.

Fin: Did superpowers come with that promotion?

Lake: [To Fin] I'm not saying I didn't see crazies in Brooklyn, but you guys are cuckoo magnets.

[edit] Avatar [9.2]

Eric Winton: I'm about to seriously freak out five million people.

[edit] Fight [9.8]

[Investigation of a teenage girl's brutal death sends detectives into the testosterone-filled world of cage fighting.]

Fin: [Looking at an internet photo of Lake in a boxing ring.] Get outta here. That's not you.

Lake: Bet your ass it is.

Cragen: [reads] "Naptime Wins in A.C."

Fin: What, they call you Naptime because your boring stories put everybody to sleep?

Fin: Kona woulda beat yo' ass.

Lake: I would've held my own ... for a couple of rounds.

Fin: I would've liked to see that. Don't expect me to cry at your funeral.

Fin: [studying a Confederate flag on a frat house's wall.] 'sup with that flag?

Frat boy: KDA was founded by a direct descendant of Jefferson Davis. We're very proud of our heritage.

Fin: You know you lost the war.

Lake: Why would a young black kid want to pledge this fraternity?

Fin: A certain special interest group made waves.

Lake: You mean Al Sharpton picketed yo' ass.

School Administrator: Ah, Jadon. Yes, he and his brother Ezra exemplify Hudson's commitment to diversity.

Fin: That's rich white guy speak for "I'm gonna let a couple of poor ghetto kids get a taste of the high life."

[Fin locks Janelle, the suspects' hooker mother, into a holding cell.]

Janelle: The teacher said they were geniuses.

Fin: They must've gotten it from their father's side.

Janelle: Hey, Uncle Tom! What's it like in the House?

Fin: Least I ain't selling it! [To Lake] --Damn. White, black ... I'm getting it from all sides today.

Lake: Hey, man. Her pimp called me a Mexican.

Fin: Is that good or bad?

[Fin and Cragen and Lake watch Janelle and her son through the observation window.]

Cragen: All she's put him through, and he still loves her.

Fin: When you don't have anything, you take what you can get.

[Lake stares at photos of the suspects in custody. Cragen approaches Fin.]

Cragen: That's great work, guys.

Fin: Thanks, Cap'n.

Cragen: Get your 5s typed and over to Novak so she can start prepping for trial.

Lake: I don't think those boys had anything to do with Julie Donovan's murder.

Fin: [to Cragen] I swear I didn't see him smoking crack.

Hooker: Lookit you throwin' around game, papi, actin' like you know yo' thing.

Fin: Little girl, I was doin' it before you knew what to do with it.

[edit] Savant [9.4]

[Detectives attempt to solve the horrible beating of a woman, the only witness to which is her mentally impaired daughter, who has Williams Syndrome.]

Katie: I'm Katie.

Munch: I'm Sergeant Munch.

Katie: Munch. That's funny. Can I have a hug, Munch?

Munch: No you may not. I'm a stranger. You shouldn't even be talking to me.

Katie: Okay, bye.

[After interviewing a group therapy group for parents of neuro-atypical children]

Benson: How's Kathy?

Stabler: Over 40 and having a baby. I just can't stop thinking about all the bad things that could happen.

Benson: So why don't you see a doctor?

Stabler: We're Catholic. Means it's better not to know.

Woman in clinic: [To Fin and Lake] Has the doctor told you if it's a boy or a girl?

Fin: Excuse me?

Woman: It's so hard for gay couples to adopt. A surrogate's really your only option.

[Fin and Lake look at each other.]

Woman: I don't get why they think that it's better to keep kids in the system than to send them into a gay home. You seem like a nice couple to me.

[Lake grins broadly and puts his hand on Fin's thigh. Fin looks incredulous.]

Stabler: And now we can't touch him?

Cragen: The Patriot Act trumps rape and attempted murder every time.

Agent Porter: You'll force me to make a formal complaint.

Fin: Where you shove that is up to you.

Novak: What would I be up against using Katie as a witness?

Munch: Anxiety, ADD, and they have trouble taking criticism.

Fin: That sounds like you, Munch.

Nicholson: [Opens his door to find Novak, Stabler, and Fin standing outside] Get the hell away from my door. You've got people thinking I tried to kill my wife.

Stabler: We need to speak to your daughter.

Nicholson: No, you will not speak to her. Not now, not ever. You've got her anxious and upset now leave her alone. [Tries to close door]

Novak: [Blocks the door] I'm Assistant District Attorney Casey Novak. Here's how this is going to play out. Now we will end up at a hearing and the judge will side with me, because you cannot stop us from questioning the only witness to the attack.

Nicholson: I'm her father.

Novak: And your also a suspect Mr. Nicholson. It's about time you faced facts.

Novak: The Patriot Act. This convoluted piece of legislature isn't worth the paper it's written on.

Stabler: Do you care at all or is this guy just a pawn to you?

Agent Porter: You're a bastard.

Stabler: I get that a lot.

[Novak is attempting to prove that Katie can sworn-in at a trial]

Novak: Your honor I submit that this witness can be sworn.

Judge Petrovsky: So ordered. [Bangs gavel.]

Katie: [Puts her hands over her ears in pain] Don't do that!

Novak: She has very sensitive hearing.

Judge Petrovsky: I...I'm sorry.

Katie: That's okay. Can I have a hug?

Judge Petrovsky: [awkwardly] No. [Katie looks hurt]. Maybe later.

[edit] Streetwise [9.11]

[The rape and murder of a wealthy teen seems to point detectives to a gang of street kids.]

Lake: The earring was hawked by Sunshine Smith, who lives at 6789 Peekaboo Lane. That's a fairy tale, friend.

Pawn shop owner: Now that you read it back to me, it does sound a tad bit suspicious.

[Reviewing pawnshop tape]

Lake: Man, you know it's illegal for underage kids to pawn.

Pawn shop owner: Hey, guy gotta eat.

Fin: You need to go on a diet.

[As Stabler handcuffs Cole]

Cole: You're gonna break my wrists!

Stabler: I'm Irish, but I'm not that lucky.

[edit] Signature [9.12]

[Benson works with FBI profiling agent Lauren Cooper when a dead man and woman are found in central park due to an anonymous tip. The woman is though to have been killed by a serial killer called 'the woodsman'.]

Agent Cooper: I don't think we need to hear anymore.

Dr. Warner: I speak for the dead and I'm not done.

Agent Cooper:[about woman's body] At least he didn't chop her up into little pieces. At least he let her keep her head.

Benson:Are you Lavender?

Club Owner: Its La-Vonder, do I look like a damn flower to you?

Benson:[to Cooper] Are you okay?

Cooper:[crying] No. I said I wasn't used to dealing with victims.

[Benson is preparing to interrogate Cooper]

Cooper: You must get a lot of confessions in here. Can't wait to unburden the soul, confirm your deepest suspicions. They want absolution. They want to be able to sleep at night.

Benson: Can you sleep at night, Lauren?

Cooper: I sleep. Just. Fine.

Lake: [to himself] I'm gonna blow your freakin' brains out.

CSU Tech: [Overhearing] You better not be talkin' to me.

Benson: Just how close were you two?

Cooper: He was like a father to me!

Benson: Is that what they're calling it these days?

Cragen: (about Agent Cooper) She executed Mr. Moore

Chief of Detectives: You mean the serial killer.

Novak: It doesn't matter what he did, Larry Moore was murdered. That is a Class-A fellony.

Lydia Ramos: I presume you live on Planet Earth. Where're you going to find a jury pool that doesn't think the guy deserves to die?

Novak: That has no baring on the law.

Lydia Ramos: Explain that to John Q. Public. There'll be months of media spinning. Trotting out the murdered womans family members in support of a rogue FBI agent.

Novak: Agent Cooper stalked and shot a man in Central Park and you want to give her a pass?

Lydia Ramos: This office is not going to let you spend two million dollars, on a case you can't win.

Cooper: [As Lake and Benson arrive to arrest her] Proud of yourself?

Benson: I would have been proud to help you collar the bastard who murdered twenty-four women. That would have satisfied me.

Cooper: That wasn't good enough.

Benson: [Quickly takes away Cooper's gun] Why not?

Cooper: You know why. How many dead babies have you stood over? How many rape victims? You can't tell me you never wanted to put your gun under the bastard's chin who raped a two-year old.

Benson: [pause] I have too much to lose.

Cooper: I don't.

[Benson begs Cooper to make a deal and mitigate her sentence]

Benson: Take the deal, Lauren. It's a way out.

Cooper: No.

Benson: Why the hell not?

Cooper: [Pauses] Because those who fight monsters...better make damn sure they don't become them.[Pulls out gun.]

Lake: Gun!!

[Cooper shoots herself.]

[edit] Unorthodox [9.13]

[A 12-year old Jewish boy is sexually assaulted, and the search for his rapist leads Benson and Stabler into the Hassidic community.]

Stabler: You know, I was up all night with the baby. And it got me thinking.

Novak: You want me to send Jack to Family Court.

Stabler: I want to do what's right, Casey.

Novak: Sleep deprivation's making you soft, Elliot.

[edit] Cold [9.19]

[Novak has just been told she will be censured and likely disbarred]

Novak: [voice breaking] What do I do now?

Donnelly: Something else.

[edit] Season 10

[edit] Lead [10.15]

Stabler: How do you know when a lawyer is lying?

Benson: Uh, when his lips are moving?

[edit] Zebras [10.24]

Stuckey: You shouldn't have been mean to me!

Stabler: What a way to end.

[edit] Season 11

[edit] Unstable [11.1]

[In the interrogation room]

Benson: Give us an alibi. [to suspect, Mark Foster]

Mark Foster: Fine. I violated my R.O. when I went to see that bitch I was married to.

Benson:That's smart. Confess to a misdomeanor when you are guilty of a fellony, good one.

Mark Foster: She's got custody of my kids, and she's a damn crack-head. What the hell am I supposed to do?

Sonya Paxton: 93 seconds. [Executive ADA Sonya Paxton enters the room]

Stabler: Excuse me?

Sonya Paxton: Suspect asked for his lawyer, and you kept questioning him for ninety-three seconds. That's a violation of his right to counsel.

Benson: We'll leave you to your client, councilor.

Sonya Paxton: N-n-n-no. I may be wearing couture, but I don't represent scum-bags.

Stabler: So who exactly do you represent?

Sonya Paxton: The People. Sonya Paxton, your new ADA, how's it going?

[Outside interrogation room]'

Benson: Where's Alex Cabot?

Sonya Paxton: Training in Albany. When she's finished, she'll take my spot in Appeals.

Stabler: [to Sonya] Appeals? well no disrespect [pause] we do things a little differently down here in New York City.

Sonya Paxton: Oh really? I was trying homicides when you were fresh out of the academy, walking a beat, and trying not to piss yourself.

Cragen: Executive ADA Paxton got the first Capital Conviction when Potaki brought back the death penalty.

Sonya Paxton: That's right, so when I say stop playing fast and loose with defendants rights, that's what you'll do, or ah you won't be working here.

Cragen: That is the commisioners descision Sonya, not yours.

Sonya Paxton: That's where you're wrong Don. There have been far too many overturned convictions - especially in the 'he-said she-said' unit. So, Jack McCoy sent me here to 'clean the house'. Oh and 1PP thinks it's a really sweal idea, so why don't you walk me through it?

Sonya Paxton: Wait wait...I thought there were no open rape cases matching this M.O.?

Stabler: There aren't, maybe the victims didn't report it. My gut is telling me that he's done it before.

Sonya Paxton: Or maybe it's your acid reflux.

Sonya Paxton: fifty-three convictions have been overturned in the state, Don. Even one is too many.

Benson: Those men were exonerated through DNA...there's a difference.

Sonya Paxton: Falsely imprisoned for decades, I might add, because - oh yeah detectives didn't do their jobs in the first place.

Stabler: Well that isn't the case here, Ms. Paxton. Tate's guilty.

Sonya Paxton: Really? Oh. Well that's great then. You don't mind calling me after you re-interview Katie Harris, and show her a sequential photo array.

[At a crime-scene of a rape of a minor]

Nate Kendall: If Foster wasn't sitting in a cell, I'd put him right back in the box.

Sonya Paxton: Foster isn't in the tombs, anymore [pause] he made bail. [squad looks at Sonya] What? it's his right.

Nate Kendall: He violated an R.O. and Reena West ID'd him.

Sonya Paxton: Yeah well, like I told you that isn't enough evidence - Certainly not enough to argue remand without bail.

Stabler: How much?

Sonya Paxton: Judge set it at [$]50,000.

Benson: So he throws five grand at a bondsman and he's free to murder.

Sonya Paxton: You know what? blame the constitution okay? You want to be a prosecutor? go to law school. Or better yet, just do your jobs guys. Find me something I can use to put him away.

[In the interrogation room]

Attorney: What are you offering?

Sonya Paxton: How does life without parole sound?

Attorney: Over-confidence.

Sonya Paxton: Really? for second degree murder and four counts of rape, believe me if I could, I'd...I'd mix the cocktail myself.

Benson: Your sentence also comes with free cable and a gym membership. [slams a bagged knife onto the table]

Attorney: What's this?

Benson: It's the murder weopon we found in your clients van.

Sonya Paxton: Leniency depends on what he tells us about his crimes, and um, better be the truth or I'm going to take it personally.

Mark Foster: Stick a fork in me.

Sonya Paxton: [laughs] You are so lucky it's not a needle.

[edit] Sugar [11.2]

Sonya Paxton: So you just let him walk out? [Reffering to suspect]

Stabler: We had nothing to hold him on.

Sonya Paxton: Other than murdering Emily Keefe.

Benson: Shepard was alibied all day long. Meetings, dinner then home.

Tutuola: Same home his mistress stolled out of in the living cupboard.

Sonya Paxton: Yeah so bust his ass on prostitution! Do I need to hand-hold you people?

Stabler: No, but here's a news flash, Vice handles prostitution, not special victims.

Sonya Paxton: Don't pass the buck, Stabler.

Tutuola: Who says their arraingment was prostitution anyway?

Sonya Paxton: Oh come on. It's the world's oldest profession, I think we've settled on the definition. She got what's in his wallet. He got what's between her legs.

Stabler: Unless he got something more. You know since the '70s courts have ruled that as long as a woman gets paid for something in addition to sex...shopping advice, companionship...not prostitution.

Sonya Paxton: Okay, I get it. So if it’s a back ally hand-job for five bucks, she’s a hooker, right? But if it’s five G’s a month and all the shoes she can buy, she’s some kind of what? Entrepreneur?

Benson: Times have changed, Sonya, or have you not been on Craigs List lately. There's some woman who believe...[cut-off]

Sonya Paxton: I can't believe that you're arguing this, Olivia.

Benson: Why? because all woman need to have the same opinion on everything?

Sonya Paxton: When it's this obvious, yeah.

[Paxton asks suspect Vance Shepard's assistant, Lizette, a few questions in Lizettes office.]

Lizette: On Wednesday night, Vance dropped by my place, so we could share a cab to dinner. It must have been 5:30.

Sonya Paxton: And his mood?

Lizette: Fine. He asked if he could pour drink, but he's done that before.

Sonya Paxton: And at dinner he was the same old super-boss he always is?

Lizette: Pretty much.

Sonya Paxton: And just for the record, you would never lie for him, right?

Lizette: No.

Sonya Paxton: Even after he bought you that very impressive rack?

Lizette: Excuse me?

Sonya Paxton: Well, come on. A pair that nice has got to make a girl feel pretty grateful, right?

Lizette: That's none of your business. [stands up to leave]

Sonya Paxton: Sit down. Hun, everything's my business. Your boss; your boobs; your belligerent little attitude. You need to start telling me the truth or I'll throw you in lock-up, with that cute little body of yours, will get you all the attention you can handle.

Benson: Incoming.

[Vance Shepard enters Lizettes office]

Vance Shepard: What are you doing? what, harrassing my employees?

Sonya Paxton: Listen, you murdered one of yours, oh wait, I'm sorry that's right you called Emily Keefe your girlfriend.

Vance Shepard: What are you? another cop?

Sonya Paxton: You'll get to know me at your trial. Which is coming up soon by the way, because your double-D alibi here is, pretty shaky. That's why these detectives are headed to Grand Central Station, where they're going to scoop up every single security tape, and guess what? They're going to find you. On the platform. Following that poor, innocent girl onto her train. I bet they'll even find you hopping off down the line. Wiping the blood from your hands.

Vance Shepard: Get the hell out of my office.

Sonya Paxton: Hmm. See you soon, Wonder Boy.

Stabler: [to Sonya] We're leaving? I thought you were going to brake the secretery?

Sonya Paxton: Errr I rattled the boss. Mission Accomplished.

[Sonya discovers Stabler and Benson are interrogating Vance Shepard, without his attorney present.]

Sonya Paxton: [Sonya asks Cragen, outside the interview room] What's going on?

Cragen: Wonder Boy is done.

Sonya Paxton: Where's his lawyer?

Cragen: Shepard said he didn't need him. Just wanted to get it all off his chest

Sonya Paxton: Oh the hell he will. [Sonya enters the interrogation room] Mr. Shepard, stop talking.

Stabler: Do you mind?

Sonya Paxton: He's not saying another word until I can get Dwight Stanich in here.

Benson: He waved counsel twice. Now you're calling his lawyer?

Vance Shepard: W-w-w-wow I don't want a lawyer.

Sonya Paxton: Don't Talk! Your suspect is clearly distraught, which is exactly what Stanich will argue, and out goes any confession - Do I have to make it any clear for you?

[Stabler and Benson move Paxton outside of the interrogation room]

Stabler: What's your problem? first you tell us to nail him, now you want us to back-off.

Sonya Paxton: Probably 'cause I want to win this case, Stabler. The right way.

Stabler: And us ruse don't know how to do that?

Sonya Paxton: Would I be here if you did?

Stabler: You are such a sanctimonious bitch, you know that?

Cragen: Detective Stabler...

Stabler: No I'm not finished! School's in session, and you've got a lot to learn, hun.

Sonya Paxton: Oh hun, if I'm going to learn anything, I promise you it won't be from an adolocent a-hole like you.

Benson: I've seen three dozen shots of Emily boarding the train. There's not one of Vance getting on or off. I give up.

Sonya Paxton: Keep looking, he's there somewhere.

Stabler: Ah we're chasing our tales.

Benson: [Benson to Sonya, as Sonya smokes] Sonya, you do know there's no smoking in this building.

Sonya Paxton: What are you going to do? Bust me? [laughs, and puts her cigarette out] Okay, fine. Can I atleast get a good cup of coffee?

Stabler: Swells is the only blend we serve.

Sonya Paxton: Ahh that's great. [pause] Oh this guy Shepard is pissing me off.

Benson: We all know he's guilty. Put him on the stand, half the jury will know it too, right off the bat.

Sonya Paxton: No, not good enough. We need facts to nail him. Facts don’t lie. Facts can’t be fudged. Slam someone with the facts, the son of a bitch never gets back up.

[edit] Solitary [11.3]

Stabler: I don’t work for you.

Sonya Paxton: I’m not going to watch you brutalize a prisoner in custody.

Stabler: I didn’t lay a finger on him.

Sonya Paxton: Oh really? could have fooled me.

Stabler: I was transferring him to Central Booking.

Sonya Paxton: Well under the circumstances, that’s not appropriate.

Stabler: It’s my case!

Sonya Paxton: No you’re not the case detective! You’re the victim!

Stabler: [offended look]

Sonya Paxton: Oh, ah, I’m sorry. Does that word offend you? Big strong Elliot Stabler can’t be anyone’s victim, right?

Stabler: You don’t know me.

Sonya Paxton: Oh trust me. I read your file.

Stabler: You want to know something? You’ve had a hard-on for me since the day you walked into this squad.

Sonya Paxton: *laughs* No hun, not at all. I got problems with anybody who doesn’t play by the rules.

Stabler: No your rules! You act like the laws holy sripture. You don't give a damn about the law. You want control. You don't know me. You know me? I know you. I see perps like you walking here everyday of the week - they got to have control - the whole world falls apart, but inside they're scared, weak, damaged-

Sonya Paxton: [Paxton slaps Detective Stabler accross the face]

[Detective Stabler enters EADA Paxton's office, after spending two days in prison, at his own choice]

Sonya Paxton: Where the hell you been?

Stabler: The hall [pause] I want to drop the charges.

Sonya Paxton: [laughs] don't be a wuss Stabler. You took a bad trip in your own head, and now what? you feel sorry for Donovan? Well that's your problem. Mine is convicting a would-be cop killer, who thinks doing a little time gives him the right to whack the first cop who looks at him cross-eyed.

Stabler: It's not that simple.

Sonya Paxton: Actually it is. If Donovan walks it's open season on law enforcement, for any perp that did a day in the hall.

Stabler: Look, you don't have to set him a precedent, just cut him a deal.

Sonya Paxton: If I plea-bargain Donovan, he's out in 5 years, and then what? Does he run down the cop who pulls him over for speeding? I won't take that chance.

Stabler: I'll report you for assault. The DA will suspend you.

Sonya Paxton: Go ahead [pauses and then smiles] Thought so. You may of lost your balls in lock-up but, I still got mine.

[edit] Hammered [11.4]

[Detectives Stabler and Benson take a suspect on a trip, where he eventually escapes]

Sonya Paxton: G'morning detectives.

Stabler: Just when I thought my day couldn't get any worse.

Sonya Paxton: Has anyone seen my missing defendant?

Stabler: We could try finding him, unless you just want to waste our time busting my balls.

Sonya Paxton: Oh, I'd never kick a fellow when he's down. I'm sure you feel like a grade-A moron as it is. Offcourse I'm the one who has to slog through Wade Hearing because you tainted the bartenders ID, but.

Cragen: What do you need Sonya?

Sonya Paxton: On the assumption you'll retrieve Dalton Rendall for me, I'm presiding with my trial prep. I actually stopped by to watch a movie. Want to join me?

Cragen: It's looking like the sex was consential. I mean the hooked-up in a bar, they both were drinking heavily.

Sonya Paxton: Oh please. Half the rapists I put away were either drunk or high. It's called "Dutch Courage". Doesn't excuse jack.

[EADA Paxton enters the interrogation room in the middle of an interview]

Sonya Paxton: Ahh! cut the crap, Geez!

Stabler: Need something Sonya?

Sonya Paxton: Yeah, for him to admit he killed and raped Audre Hale. I got tired of watching you two [Stabler and Benson] play patty-cake, sorry.

[At a Fry-Hearing to determine whether alcoholism is a disease or not]

Sonya Paxton: Dr. Sopher, do all addicts commit murder?

Emily Sopher: No. Off course not.

Sonya Paxton: And your findings, are they generally accepted within the scientific community?

Emily Sopher: We do have our detractors.

Sonya Paxton: Do you believe, if I had an inoproble tumor, that I could just will it away?

Emily Sopher: No.

Sonya Paxton: Because a tumor is a disease not a behavior, right?

Emily Sopher: [silent]

Sonya Paxton: Alcoholics stop drinking all the time, by shear will power alone. And do you know why they can do that? 'cause alcoholism is not a disease.

[edit] Turmoil [11.8]

[Outside the Supreme Court steps]

Sonya Paxton: Alex!

Cabot: I thought you stood me up.

Sonya Paxton: Sorry, I ah [pause] couldn't make it through the door. I guess I'm not quite ready.

Cabot: Why don't you tell me what you want?

Sonya Paxton: Just to give you some much needed advice. Don't give the State Bar anymore amunition.

Cabot: I didn't blow a trial, by breathing vodka onto a judge, and I sure as hell wasn't forced to take a breathalizer in open-court.

Sonya Paxton: Actually it was Scotch, and drunk or not, I've never been accused of a brady violation.

Cabot: I take my Oath very seriously and I did not withold evidence from the defense.

Sonya Paxton: Look even if it was the cops who didn't turnover every scrap of evidence, you're still culpable. They'll yank your license.

Cabot: Stabler and Benson would not do that

Sonya Paxton: They're good cops, but their loyalty is to eachother, not to you.

Cabot: I Know you didn't get along with Stabler, but this is low, even for you.

Sonya Paxton: I don't have any axe to grind.

Cabot: No, you just want to bury it in their backs.

Sonya Paxton: Who are you going to blame when you lose your job, Alex?

Cabot: You're telling me not to trust them.

Sonya Paxton: No. I'm telling you to do your job and watch your ass.

[edit] Perverted [11.9]

Stabler: You look terrible!

Benson: Stop with the sweet talk…

Cragen: Yeah, it's all fun and games until someone loses a penis.

Stabler: [to Olivia] Let's get you into bed.

Stabler: [opens Olivia's fridge] You have absolutely no food in this house.

Benson: They have this great thing, it's called delivery.

Stabler: Planning a tropical getaway? [holds up travel brochures]

Benson: A girl can dream, can't she? Stop snooping.

[edit] P.C [11.14]

Cabot: That was quick. She didn't punch you again, did she?

Stabler: Ah, you know, some women just don't want to talk man to man.

Babs Duffy: Stabler!

Stabler: I wish she would refuse to talk to me.

Babs Duffy: Look, you pig-headed son of a bitch. You can't drag an innocent- [noticing Cabot] Hi. Babs Duffy.

Cabot: Alex Cabot. I will leave you two alone.

Babs Duffy: You don't have to.

Stabler: No, you want to say something, let's do it in the box.

Stabler: [to Olivia] I get hit, you get hit on.

[edit] Principal cast

Christopher Meloni - Detective Elliot Stabler (1999- 2011)
Mariska Hargitay - Detective Olivia Benson (1999 - present)
Richard Belzer - Detective John Munch (1999 - present)
Michelle Hurd - Detective Monique Jeffries (2000)
Ice T - Detective Odafin Tutuola (2000-present)
Adam Beach - Detective Chester Lake (2007-2008)
Dann Florek - Captain Donald Cragen (1999 - present)
Stephanie March - ADA Alexandra Cabot (2000-2003, 2009, 2011 - present)
B.D. Wong - Dr. George Huang (2002-present)
Diane Neal - ADA Casey Novak (2003-2008, 2011 - present)
Tamara Tunie - Melinda Warner (2005-present)
Michaela McManus - ADA Kim Grayleck (2008)

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit

Contents

[edit] Opening

[edit] Season 1

[edit] Payback [1.1]

[edit] A Single Life [1.2]

[edit] ...Or Just Look Like One [1.3]

[edit] Hysteria [1.4]

[edit] Wanderlust [1.5]

[edit] Sophomore Jinx [1.6]

[edit] Uncivilized [1.7]

[edit] Stalked [1.8]

[edit] Stocks & Bondage [1.9]

[edit] Closure [1.10]

[edit] Bad Blood [1.11]

[edit] Russian Love Poem [1.12]

[edit] Disrobed [1.13]

[edit] Limitations [1.14]

[edit] Entitled [1.15]

[edit] The Third Guy [1.16]

[edit] Misleader [1.17]

[edit] Chat Room [1.18]

[edit] Contact [1.19]

[edit] Remorse [1.20]

[edit] Nocturne [1.21]

[edit] Slaves [1.22]

[edit] Season 2

[edit] Wrong Is Right [2.1]

[edit] Honor [2.2]

[edit] Closure: Part 2 [2.3]

[edit] Legacy [2.4]

[edit] Baby Killer [2.5]

[edit] Noncompliance [2.6]

[edit] Asunder [2.7]

[edit] Taken [2.8]

[edit] Pixies [2.9]

[edit] Consent [2.10]

[edit] Abuse [2.11]

[edit] Secrets [2.12]

[edit] Victims [2.13]

[edit] Paranoia [2.14]

[edit] Countdown [2.15]

[edit] Runaway [2.16]

[edit] Folly [2.17]

[edit] Manhunt [2.18]

[edit] Parasites [2.19]

[edit] Pique [2.20]

[edit] Scourge [2.21]

[edit] Season 3

[edit] Wrath [3.2]

[edit] Redemption [3.6]

[edit] Counterfeit [3.14]

[edit] Guilt [3.18]

[edit] Justice [3.19]

[edit] Denial [3.21]

[edit] Season 4

[edit] Damaged [4.11]

[edit] Tortured [4.16]

[edit] Futility [4.22]

[edit] Season 5

[edit] Escape [5.11]

[edit] Bound [5.23]

[edit] Head [5.25]

[edit] Season 6

[edit] Birthright [6.1]

[edit] Debt [6.2]

[edit] Obscene [6.3]

[edit] Scavenger [6.4]

[edit] Outcry [6.5]

[edit] Conscience [6.6]

[edit] Charisma [6.7]

[edit] Doubt [6.8]

[edit] Weak [6.9]

[edit] Haunted [6.10]

[edit] Contagious [6.11]

[edit] Identity [6.12]

[edit] Quarry [6.13]

[edit] Game [6.14]

[edit] Hooked [6.15]

[edit] Ghost [6.16]