Saturday Night Live

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Saturday Night Live (SNL) is a weekly late night 90-minute American comedy-variety show based in New York City which has been broadcast by NBC on Saturday nights since October 11, 1975. It is one of the longest-running network entertainment programs in American television history. Each week, the show's cast is joined by a guest host and a musical act.

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Contents

[edit] Opening

  • Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!

[edit] Season 1

[edit] George Carlin/Janis Ian & Billy Preston [1.01]

George Carlin: Thank you! Talk about a live show! It's nice to see you, welcome, and thanks for joining us- live! Um... I'm kinda glad that we're on at night, so that we're not competing with all the football and baseball. So many, man... and this is the time of year when there's both, you know? Football's kinda nice, they changed it a little bit- they moved the hash marks in. Guys found it and smoked them, anyway! But you know, football wants to be the number-one sport, the national pastime. And I think it already is, really, because football represents something we are- we are Europe Junior. When you get right down to it, we're Europe Junior. We play a Europe game. What was the Europe game? (high voice) "Let's take their land away from them! You'll be the pink, on up; we'll be blue, the red and the green!" Ground acquisition. And that's what football is, football's a ground acquisition game. You knock the crap out of eleven guys and take their land away from them. Of course, we only do it ten yards at a time. That's the way we did it with the Indians- we won it little by little. First down in Ohio, Midwest to go!
George Carlin: The term Jumbo Shrimp has always amazed me. What is a Jumbo Shrimp? I mean, it's like Military Intelligence- the words don't go together, man.
George Carlin: Did you ever dial the phone and forget who you're calling? Don't you feel dumb? You don't know whether to hang on and hope you remember the voice or not.. Then when you remember who it was, you have to call back, so you change your voice so they don't think you're a moron.
Chevy Chase: Our top story tonight: dedication ceremonies for the new Teamsters Union Headquarters building took place today in Detroit, where Union President Fitzsimmons was reported to have said that former President Jimmy Hoffa will always be a cornerstone in the organization.
Chevy Chase: (President) Ford was on the campaign trail, announcing in Detroit that he had written his own campaign slogan. The slogan: "If He's So Dumb, How Come He's President?"

[edit] Paul Simon/Art Garfunkel, Randy Newman, Phoebe Snow, Jesse Dixon Singers [1.02]

Chevy Chase: Good evening, I’m Chevy Chase, here to keep you up on what’s going down! President Ford’s regular weekly accident took place this week in Hartford, Connecticut, where Ford’s Lincoln was hit by a Buick. Alert Secret Service Agents seized the Buick and wrestled it to the ground.
Paul Simon: [to Marv Albert before his match with Connie Hawkins] I've gotta stay with my strengths, basically... singing and songwriting.

[edit] Rob Reiner/Joe Cocker [1.03]

[edit] Candice Bergen/Esther Phillips [1.04]

President Ford: My fellow Americans... ladies and gentlemen.. members of the press... and my immediate family. First, may I thank you all for being here. And I am in my immediate family. First, may I thank you all for being here. And I am in my immediate family. Thank you all for being here, and I am truly honored to be asked by you to open the "Saturday Night" show with Harvey Cosell.
Chevy Chase: Good evening, I'm Chevy Chase and you're not.

[edit] Robert Klein/ABBA, Loudon Wainwright III [1.05]

Chevy Chase: And now, as a public service to those of our viewers who have difficulty with their hearing, I will repeat the top story of the day, aided by the Headmaster of the New York School for the Hard of Hearing, Garrett Morris. Our top story tonight...
Garrett Morris: OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT!!!
Chevy Chase: President Ford flew to Paris for a summit conference, and boy, are his arms tired!
Garrett Morris: PRESIDENT FORD FLEW TO PARIS FOR A SUMMIT CONFERENCE, AND BOY, ARE HIS ARMS TIRED!!!
Chevy Chase: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Garrett Morris: GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TO-MOR-ROW!
Chevy Chase: Secretary of State Henry Kissinger has been cited for contempt of Congress! Kissinger commented, “So what? Congress has at least as much contempt for me as I do for him. Besides, Nixon lied, didn’t he? And he gets to sunbathe while I get terminal jet lag.”
Chevy Chase: A new book has been published and released, and it’s entitled, “Friends of Richard Nixon.” A short work, it is only one page longer than the work, “Famous Antarctic Television Personalities of the Eighteenth Century.” Of his former boss, President Ford said, “Well, I spent most of the week reading it, finding it challenging in its scope.”
Chevy Chase: The United States... hold it... The United Nations General Assembly passed a resolution equating Zionism with racism. Black entertainer Sammy Davis, Jr., a convert to Judaism, was quoted as saying: “What a breakthrough! Now, finally, I can hate myself!”

[edit] Lily Tomlin/Howard Shore and His All Nurse Band [1.06]

Chevy Chase: The FCC announced today that for every Ford commercial run on television, a minute of an old Ronald Reagan film must be shown. As a result of this action, a spokesman for George Wallace responded by demanding equal time by showing one minute of "Ironsides."
Chevy Chase: Later, Mr. Ford pierced his left hand with a salad fork at a luncheon celebrating Tuna Salad Day at the White House. Alert Secret Service agents seized the fork and wrestled it to the ground.
Chevy Chase: Good evening. I'm Chevy Chase, and you're not. The top story tonight: The Senate Intelligence Committee has revealed that the CIA has been involved in no less than nine assassination plots against various foreign leaders. Commented President Ford upon reading the report, quote, "Boy, I'm sure glad I'm not foreign."
Lily Tomlin: Being a New Yorker means never having to say you're sorry.

[edit] Richard Pryor/Gil-Scott Heron [1.07]

Richard Pryor: How you doin'? Thank you very much for coming here to New York. Uh, hope I'm funny. I'd like to dedicate this to, uh, show to Miles Davis, my friend. He's in the hospital, sick. But he's cool. Miles always gets women, though, 'cause he talks so cool. You know, Miles go: [scratchy whisper]' "What's happenin'?" I get women, too. I can't keep 'em but I get 'em. Women always leave me, man! I don't mind 'em leavin' but they tell you why. You know what I mean? Just leave! Don't tell me why! 'Cause there ain't nothin' you can do but stand there and look silly, right? You be ... [imitates a man standing there and looking silly: points to himself in surprise, shrugs helplessly, rolls his eyes, shakes his head in disbelief] And the madder you get, women get cool when you get mad. [as an angry man] "WELL, GO ON AND GET OUT THEN!" [as a cool, calm woman] "I'm leaving." [as the man] "I DON'T EVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" [as the woman] "Don't worry, you shan't."
Richard Pryor: Drive you to drink, jack, you know? I tried drinkin' for a while but I used to go into bars and check out the people that were drinkin' and they weren't happy. And they get beat up a lot. No -- drunks, they start out cool. Brother be cool at first and he goin': "Give me a Scotch and soda, please." Real cool. 'Bout a hour later: "WHAT?! WHAT YOU MEAN I'M DRUNK?! HUH? I wasn't drunk when I came in here! And I ain't gonna leave till I'm sober. Now, you can dig that, baby.
[During a word association exercise as part of a job interview]
Mr. Wilson: Tree.
Interviewer: Tree. Dog.
Mr. Wilson: Tree.
Interviewer: Fast.
Mr. Wilson: Slow.
Interviewer: Rain.
Mr. Wilson: Snow.
Interviewer: White.
Mr. Wilson: ...Black.
Interviewer: Bean.
Mr. Wilson: Pod.
Interviewer: Negro.
Mr. Wilson: Whitey(!).
Interviewer: Tarbaby.
Mr. Wilson: [pause] What'd you say?
Interviewer: Tarbaby.
Mr. Wilson: Okay.
Interviewer: Colored.
Mr. Wilson: Redneck.
Interviewer: Jungle bunny.
Mr. Wilson: Peckerwood!
Interviewer: Burrhead!
Mr. Wilson: Cracker!
Interviewer: Spearchucker!
Mr. Wilson: White trash!
Interviewer: Jungle Bunny!
Mr. Wilson: Honky!
Interviewer: Spade!
Mr. Wilson: ... Honky Honky!
Interviewer: Nigger!
Mr. Wilson: Dead honky!
Interviewer: Okay, Mr. Wilson, I think you're qualified for this job. How about a starting salary of $5,000?
Mr. Wilson: Your momma!
Interviewer: Uh.. $7,500 a year?
Mr. Wilson: Your grandmomma!
Interviewer: $15,000, Mr. Wilson. You'll be the highest paid janitor in America. Just, don't... don't hurt me, please...
Mr. Wilson: Okay.
Interviewer: Okay.
Mr. Wilson: You want me to start now?
Interviewer: Oh, no, no... that's alright. I'll clean all this up. Take a couple of weeks off, you look tired.
Chevy Chase: UNICEF fell under attack this week when Syria formally protested the charitable organization's new Christmas card, which says, in ten different languages, "Let's kill the Arabs and take their oil!"

[edit] Candice Bergen/The Stylistics, Martha Reeves [1.08]

[edit] Elliott Gould/Anne Murray [1.09]

Vito Corleone: The ASPCA is out to get me because of this horse thing.
Vito Corleone: Alright. The Tattaglia Family is moving in on my territory. They've taken over numbers, prostitution, and restaurant linen supply, and now they want to bring in drugs. Also, they just shot my son, Santino, fifty-six times.
Therapist: Ah! Now we are getting somewhere. What do you think about this?
Vito Corleone: Drugs, I am against.

[edit] Buck Henry/Bill Withers, Toni Basil [1.10]

Ron Nessen: Mr. President, you're signing your hand.
Gerald Ford: Come on in and sit down, Ron.
[Nessen gets up from his chair, walks out the door, shuts it, reopens it, walks back in and sits in the same chair]
Gerald Ford: Now what's this about a press conference, Ron?
Ron Nessen: You called it, Mr. President.
Gerald Ford: Called it what?
Ron Nessen: No, you called the press conference, Sir.
Gerald Ford: I see. [Looks over at Liberty] Heel, Liberty. [Looking back at Nessen] Sit down and make yourself comfortable, Ron.
Ron Nessen: I am sitting, Mr. President.
Gerald Ford: Ah! Then you must be comfortable.
Ron Nessen: Yes, Sir. Thank you.
Gerald Ford: I'm pretty comfortable myself.
Ron Nessen: That's good.
Gerald Ford: [Looks around the Oval Office] I just don't see what's so awful about this room, personally.
Ron Nessen: No, Sir, Oval. It's the Oval Office, sir.
Gerald Ford: Ah!
Ron Nessen: Not awful, Oval, round.

[edit] Season 35

[edit] Episode 2

MTV4 Skit (Lady Gaga and Madonna)

Madonna: What the hell is a discostick?
Lady Gaga: (singing) I think you know.
DJ Dynasty Handbag: I want you two to behave
Lady Gaga: Ok we'll try.
Lady Gaga: Hey guess what Madonna...I'm totally hotter than you.
Madonna: Hey guess what (hits Lady Gaga's head) I'm totally taller than you. And what kinda of a name is Lady Gaga? It sounds like baby food.
Lady Gaga: The kind that's #1 on the Billboard charts (attacks Madonna)
DJ Dynasty Handbag: I said behave beotches
Madonna: You better stop interrupting us
Lady Gaga: Yeah we're pop icons Respect (gives Madonna a high 5)

(Lady Gaga and Madonna start to fight again)

DJ Dynasty Handbag: I want you two to kiss and make up
Madonna: Ok
Lady Gaga: Excellent
Madonna: You made my ring come off
Lady Gaga: Sorry
DJ Dynasty Handbag: Kiss each other

(about to kiss then DJ Dynasty Handbag gets in between them.

[edit] External links

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